Bring On The Wonder
by Bronzehyperion
Summary: Bella works the streets of Seattle as a prostitute. Edward is waiting to be ordained as a Catholic priest. Is there anything they have to offer each other? Or are there just sacrifices they both have to make… All human. Rated M for a reason. COMPLETE!
1. Prologue: The Face of God

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide. **

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

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**PROLOGUE: THE FACE OF GOD**

Motherfucking fuck. I was so tired of this shit. So fucking tired.

Edward was staring at me, bewildered perhaps because of the revelation. Silly boy. Had he not seen this coming?

He was disappointed for sure because he made _that_ face a lot; eyebrows creased together in a frown, eyes sparkling with something I could sure as hell not decipher but it didn't resemble something positive. His lips were pressed together firmly.

This meant he wasn't going to talk to me.

I hated the fucking silence he allowed to fill the room. It was worse than have him yell at me.

Silence was judgmental, yelling gave room for reciprocation.

Not that he ever did. Edward never yelled. He never got angry. It probably was a sin to do so.

Edward was so otherworldly in certain ways. He came into contact with people every day and yet he was so goddamn naïve about their motives. People were fucking selfish beings. How could he even believe there was goodness in any of them?

People were rotten.

_I was rotten._

And if Edward didn't delude himself so much into thinking there was good inside me, we would not be having these silent stare-offs where I was the culprit that needed redemption and he was the one who could forgive me for my sins.

He didn't even understand why I didn't give a fuck about his morals and why we didn't share any of them.

I disappointed him constantly. And I was tired of explaining myself and pointing out all the differences between us.

"Why did you do it Isabella?"

Now he speaks.

I fucking hated it when he called me Isabella. It meant business. It meant disapproval. It meant he was thinking like –almost - Father Edward and not regular "pretty laidback" Edward. The Edward I had come to know and did not hate. Pretty Laidback Edward was not supposed to be a priest, not supposed to waste his life devoted to the madness of a religion. The biased choices he'd have to make to serve a God who probably didn't give a fuck about most people. The big man up there sure as hell didn't give a damn about me.

And why would he? I'd heard the sermons on forgiveness and shit, but really…when you spend most of your time fucking the men in this town senseless and get paid for it, you probably don't deserve to be cared about or forgiven. After all, I did this willingly. And I was good at it too.

I controlled my body and my mind. There was no fucking religion to cloud my judgment. No other half to control my life and choices. My life was mine to live. Nobody could fucking tell me what to do.

I wanted to snort at my own delusion. Like I had a choice by now. I belonged on my knees, on the streets, face buried in dangling cocks and balls.

When you're a professional fucker, you definitely don't own your life and make decisions freely. I had a big mouth – in more ways than one, trust me – and I knew how to throw a fucking punch if I had to, but I was often told what to do. It was the basic concept of my profession. Shut the fuck up and drop your panties.

Or rather, shut up and fuck.

I looked at Edward, his eyes roaming over me like they sometimes did. _This _stare I had no trouble deciphering, _this_ I recognized.

I was used to men looking at me this way. Wanting a ticket into my pleasure dome. Fun zone, whatever. I never got off anyway. That was not the point of what they needed and what I could provide.

And no matter how much Edward claimed to be unaffected by women in general – and perhaps me specifically, no matter what that promise of a white collar represented, I knew better. The way he responded physically; it was nothing I hadn't seen before and I had to admit I enjoyed the idea of having that kind of effect on him.

_Nothing like a hard-on, eh Father_.

This was Edward's little battle between purity and lust. The want was obvious in his eyes and in his pants.

Right now, Edward seemed entranced by my attire, which consisted of a white tank top and black skinny jeans. No bra. My nipples strained against the soft cotton because Edward was too cheap to put the damn heat on in here. Even in the dimness of this room, I could see his eyes lingering on my chest a fraction too long.

_Got ya, Father Perv._

I smirked.

"Like what you see?" I taunted him, wiggling my girls a bit. He didn't like it when I pointed out his forbidden desires. It threw him off entirely. He never reprimanded me, he never retorted. He usually changed the subject whenever I teased him about it because he never had a comeback.

"Isabella," he said, his voice soft as a whisper but still the words caught in his throat a little, "why did you do this?"

_Sure, forget you ogle me like a sneaky pervert and get right back on topic. _

"I wanted to," I simply shrugged. It was not his fucking business who I fucked or why. My body, my job. And yes, my fucking money. I earned it. Fair and square.

"You were staring at my tits. How many Hail Mary's will that cost ya?" I teased.

If he wanted to divert us from the subject of his voyeurism and have the same old conversation on why I fucked men for a living, I was going to do the same.

"You are violating the terms of your probation," Edward pointed out calmly, ignoring my snark.

"Your point?" I asked icily.

"You want to go back to jail?" Edward pointed out quietly.

Been there, done that. Did not want to go back.

"You want to get kicked out of the seminary for inappropriate behavior?" I countered.

He didn't bite. Hell would freeze over the day he did.

Edward just stared at me, trying to silently communicate something I didn't really care about. He wasn't staring at my chest anymore and almost desperately tried to hold my gaze.

I rolled my eyes and looked away. "Is that a threat? You gonna tell on me?"

Edward sighed as he got up. He walked over to me slowly, as if he didn't want to startle me, the crazed animal – _the hell beast_ – who would make a sudden move that could lead to casualties when approached without caution.

"I promised to help you and I want to fulfill that promise," he said solemnly as he stopped in front of me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

On occasion he did this. Touch me. Always innocent, always so fatherly. But his hand was warm and felt good against my skin. I loved the electricity because it made me feel something beyond the numbness I was used to.

I looked up and met his deep jade eyes. At least some part of him was penetrating me.

_Wait, what?_

Fuck, I didn't want that. I didn't have a fetish doing the almost ordained. I didn't want to fuck Edward.

"No touching, Father. It will cost you," I smirked as I ruffled his hair. He hated it when I did that, even though his coupe looked like he had been permanently stuck in a wind tunnel. It wasn't like I could mess it up further.

"Bella," he warned sternly, but his lips curled up a bit.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I was Bella again. I was forgiven, as always. The lecture was over. Almost Father Edward Cullen was gone, my Edward was back.

_My Edward? _Fuck. No way would he ever be mine. I didn't even want that.

We'll always be two different worlds, him and me.

Heaven and hell.

Angel and demon.

Sinner and saint.

_Prostitute and priest._

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**A/N This is only the beginning. It will all be explained as we go.**

**This story has been locked in my mind for a while (if it resembles similar stories out there I would not know but I don't steal…this is my idea and will be executed/written as such) But with two other stories and some other activities, I never got around to give it a go. I will try and update as much as I can. I am used to writing long chapters, but some might be a bit shorter, partially out of convenience because it is easier to update that way, especially with 2 other stories still going. Nothing will be left unsaid though, rest assured. There will be swearing, there will be sex (definitely not the lemon-y kind at first) and yes, religion too which I'll try to research at its best accuracy. I mean to offend no one with that but believe me when I say religion is the last thing on Bella's mind. This is the prologue, which is not where the actual story starts.**

**And Bella will say fuck a lot. The goal is to get Edward to say it too ;)**

**I don't do begging for reviews. I just hope my regular readers (I think I have a few :) ) will enjoy this. Perhaps a few new readers will too.**

**If you are a BETA and enjoy BETA'ing...I could use one for this :) PM me.**

**Want to know when I update. Like random tweets? Twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

**I haven't forgotten my other stories, promise.**


	2. Saint Angela

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide. **

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**I heart my BETA Parama. Without her even the curse words would be spelled wrong.**

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**CHAPTER 1: SAINT ANGELA**

The average whore spends about 80 percent of her day on her knees.

I think. Fuck, I don't know if that's factually true. I am not Amstat. What I do know is that my knees are sore and roughed up because I spend 80 percent of _my_ workday on my knees.

It's not shocking men love to get sucked off. It might be shocking to know most of them don't mind wearing a rubber when they get sucked off. Sure, you have your pick of idiots who don't want to use protection at all. But that's their loss really, because fuck me if they don't risk a kick in the nuts for that kind of whining.

What? You think I'd take some random fucker's cock in my mouth and suck him off without protection?

_Please_. I did that once or twice way back when I was a rookie. When I thought I actually needed to put some sort of feeling into this job by giving customers every goddamn thing they wanted and not just do my job numbingly without any other purpose than to get someone off. I wasn't a damn therapist. I sold pleasure. Orgasms. Not hugs and rays of sunshine. I learned that the hard way.

Let's just say, it was not a pretty sight. Whatever the guy had been doing to his private parts, it left me with these strange sores…

I'll spare you the visual of me trying to get rid of those little bastards covering my tongue.

That was my first lesson in Prostitution 101: what NOT to do. Never give someone a blowjob without him wearing a condom. In fact, never do anything without a condom, period.

Seems easy right? Seems smart. Well fuck me if I haven't seen girls catch STDs or HIV because they got tricked into letting a customer fuck them without protection.

It even happened to the only friend I had: Angela. Saint Fucking Angela.

Now Angela Weber was the most extraordinary girl I knew in the business. Her dad was a fucking cult leader of some kind and she escaped him and his followers – including her mother and two younger brothers – when she was fifteen. Being young, alone, and in need for cash she had started to give blowjobs near Seattle's King Street Station. Soon, she wasn't just giving blowjobs and since she was hard for cash and fuckers got hard for her, she'd let them stick their cocks inside her without protection.

She'd been diagnosed with HIV at the age of eighteen. This meant she was fucked for the rest of her life, not even knowing how long that might be. Nowadays she worked mostly to pay for her meds. She was popping twenty different kinds of pills daily, in a variation of the most interesting of colors. We sometimes made a game out of it. Green was to boost her iron, red to protect her immune system, blue made sure she didn't barf up red and green, while yellow had to coat her stomach so it wouldn't explode from the effects of her daily dosage of rainbow pills.

Compared to her daily shit my life was sunshine and puppies. I didn't have to work to pay for medication. I was healthy, so I was lucky that way.

Makes you wonder why I was fucking working the streets to begin with, right?

Yeah, not telling you that fucked up story just yet.

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"Bella?"

"Yeah, Ang?"

She was sitting on my red futon, which looked like it was falling apart at the seams but damnit if I didn't love that comfortable piece of shit. Ang was fidgeting, which meant she had something on her mind.

"Spill it, Ang," I encouraged her as I handed her some water.

It was pill-popping time for her and she pulled a pill container from her bag and started to collect them. Two red, one blue. Two green and two yellow. And an aspirin because the whole bunch gave her a headache.

"You think we could stop by the community center before we take on the evening shift?"

"Sure, why?"

"They are having a fundraiser for babies with HIV. I want to drop off a check."

Saint Fucking Angela. The part of her money she didn't spend on meds, went to charities that were involved in HIV research and providing HIV meds to groups who could not afford them.

Like she could fucking afford them. She was part of the group that had to do shady things to remain in good health. Well, decent health. Any kind of health really.

"Didn't you sponsor the Seattle HIV/Aids walk like a week ago?"

"That was last month. August 10, remember?"

Fuck, was it September already? I checked the grease-stained calendar hanging on my door. It was one of those made from bamboo sticks, the kind you got for free at your local Chinese place.

_September 10. Shit .Three days. _

I tried to ignore that.

"Hmm. Could have sworn it was last week," I mumbled, distracted.

"Bella…"

"Yeah, yeah…we'll drop off your hard earned cash at the community center."

"It's for a good cause."

I simply nodded. Charity was fucked up business if you asked me. Bunch of money horny people who would not give the money to the poor souls who needed it. Far from, actually. They'd stick it in their own freshly pressed Versace suit pockets and buy big ass houses or cars.

People in need of help never received it. Well not much of it. Angela had to go to this free clinic to get regular checkups but her meds had to come from a private dispenser because she didn't have insurance to cover it. A fucking drug dealer was responsible for the state of her health. This dude – I think his name is Ben – worked at a pharmacy that provided the meds Ang needed, but he sold them to her for like triple the cost. He held her life in his hands because the day that fool decided he wasn't going to supply to her, would be the day she was fucked.

Not to mention it was a total rip off. I knew there were pharmacies that could sell them to her cheaper, but she needed insurance for that. Which she didn't have. So Ang had no choice. She claimed Ben was decent and wouldn't mess with her, but I was too skeptical to believe her. It was a dog-eat-dog world in which everyone did their best to survive.

I know what you're thinking. Don't prostitutes make a shitload of money? Enough to live comfortably and not have to rely on people who could easily screw us over?

Fuck me, I wish we did. I wish I could tell you golden tales of making shitloads a night for giving a few hand jobs, blowjobs, and a decent fuck. But no. If we're lucky we make a few hundred a night. And that's considered 'hitting the mother load'.

Half of what we made went to the rent we paid for the place we're living in. A musty old building in South Seattle. The neighborhood has fucking gangs and a butt load of people who are unemployed.

The building was small and harbored like fifteen people. I was sure ten of them were dealing or doing drugs. Speed, coke, marihuana. Some LSD and heroine too. I never touched any of that shit, because I knew the numbness would actually disappear if I started doing drugs and stimulate my brain in fucked up ways that will force me to deal with the clusterfuck reality that was my life. And I didn't want to lose the numbness. I preferred it. It was better than to actually feel stuff.

Yes, still skipping my life story for now.

Our building had a landlord. Mike Newton. He was kind of our self employed pimp too. In general he made sure we stayed in the nicer areas in town and had a few connections here and there that helped to keep us out of unnecessary trouble. Now Mike was a decent guy, he didn't fuck any of us except Jessica Stanley, because she was a cunt. And a bitch.

Me and her were a bad combo and we made sure we avoided each other as much as we could.

Other than Ang, Jessicunt, and me, there were three more of Mike's "girls" living in the building. Lauren and Russian freak twins Irina and Tanya. Those two barely spoke English but Russian chicks were popular in the area. They often hit the mother load in terms of earnings but spend most of their cash on speed. Bitches. I wasn't jealous, because I knew they fucked without protection often, but the fact that they had more money than someone like Ang who needed it…that was just unfair.

The six of us worked Pioneer Square most nights with the occasional branching out to downtown if we were up for it.

Mike also lived in the building. Then there were Garrett and Eric, some dude named Tyler who was always fucking high, and two Native American dudes named Paul and Sam. Those fuckers were drug dealers for sure. Mike didn't like their antics but didn't have the balls to kick them out.

Fucker probably valued his balls a little.

There was one family of three from China who lived on the top floor. We never saw them but man if they didn't play warped music sometimes.

Yeah, my life was full of joy. It may seem fucked up, but it isn't dull.

Like I said, we didn't make a fortune. Rent was a regular bitch because Mike sometimes "forgot" to ask Paul and Sam for their share – I swear he must have just one testicle left by now– and I was surprised he could still walk upright because he was clearly lacking a backbone. I knew Jess was blowing him so she could skip on her rent too because most of what she made went straight to Tyler for some cheap heroine and coke.

Stupid coke whore.

Most of our nights were spent at Cowgirls Inc. A strip club, but a decent one. Not too raunchy and I heard the girls get treated well and that they don't need to fuck the customers but just entertain them by taking their clothes off while dancing and maybe some dry humping on occasion.

That did seem like puppies and sunshine to me.

Anyway, Mike made a deal with the owner – Jasper something is his name – that we could hang there to try and catch a few decent fucks a night. It was better than walking the pavement and having random guys come up and demand a fucking hand job without paying.

Hanging there wasn't free though. Jasper FuckHisLastName might be a decent guy but he still demanded a fee.

Bottom-line on the money issue; if you're lucky to make a few hundred a night, you'll walk away with one hundred yourself. And that would be a lucky night.

If you're in Ang's position, you'll need that cash to make sure you don't fucking die.

If you're me, you actually get to save some of it so that someday maybe you can walk away from the fuckery that's your life.

Yeah, I have been telling myself this for the past four years.

And fuck me, I am still here.

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The community center was Angela's favorite place. I knew this because she always had an excuse to go there. Tonight it's to play Saint Angie - I swear Angelina Jolie has nothing on her – except Brad Pitt maybe - and drop off some of her hard earned money. But there were also nights she actually fucking volunteered.

I didn't know where she found the energy, but she never skipped. I also didn't fucking understand why she had picked that community center to be charitable.

The community center was affiliated with St Joseph Parish.

A fucking church.

I knew Angela felt bad about the way she earned a living and that she was hoping for some sort of redemption by helping out at the center, but I wanted nothing to do with that shit. Well as little as possible.

"Angela!"

The excited shrill greeting came from Alice Brandon. She ran the community center. Ang liked her, I found her too bubbly for my liking. The girl must have some form of ADD because no one could ever be that bouncy by nature.

"Alice, hi!"

Angela didn't wait for me to follow her inside and I decided I wouldn't because my attire wasn't fit for a decent place like that. Ang at least wore the kind of coat that concealed the 'ready to fuck' outfit consisting of a tight black top that made her boobs look awesome – well fuckable – and a skirt that can be lifted easily in case someone wanted a full on fuck tonight.

Angela was always safe. No way would she put someone else through the shit she lived with daily. She also had class. If you'd pass her on the street you would never guess her profession.

I didn't have the same class. Or enough shame. I was wearing red leather hot pants tonight – I know, quite the cliché, but they made my ass look awesome – with a black leather top that zipped up – and down – on the front. Black leather jacket, some 'fuck me' boots and I was Julia Fucking Roberts in Pretty Woman, minus a Prince Charming à la Richard Gere.

"Bells?"

"Go on, Ang. I need some air."

I watched through the window as Angela and Alice caught up, chatting for a bit while Ang handed Alice the check. Alice was always discreet about this shit but her smile betrayed how desperately delighted she was for the donation. Angela was really a saint, a fucking angel.

"Excuse me," a deep smooth voice pulled me from my reverie.

The voice belonged to a figure. A male figure, I could tell, even though most of his face was hidden in the shadows. A male figure that sounded like an angel too. Fuck, was it this location? Did the community center have an aura of attracting fucking saints now? No wonder Ang liked it here.

I realized I was standing in the way of the community center's entrance as the male figure moved from the shadows of the wall towards the door. He was holding a large box in his hands.

"Sorry," I muttered, as I stepped aside, meeting the eyes of this supposed angel.

He looked at me intently and I fucking swear this guy was perfect. He had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. Green like jade, like fresh grass in spring. Bright, honest, and enticing.

I think I was getting wet just by looking into those deep pools that were scanning me and my outfit.

This wasn't my usual area but I would definitely fuck this creature. For free even, just to get rid of the dull ache between my legs.

Fuck, I never got excited. It's not a turn on when guys beg you to fuck them or suck them or… you get the point. Plus, I never feel anything towards any of them. Not even contempt because that would make me a hypocrite.

But this man unleashed something in me. I tried to be subtle in giving him a once over; he had the most uncanny color of hair…kind of reddish, copper, and bronze with some streaks of fucking gold and his face was gorgeous, kind of pale with a strong jaw and kissable lips; red, full, and wet for me.

Fuck, I don't kiss. Forget the lips. Forget the idea of fucking him right here against the wall.

Maybe there was some alley nearby.

_Stop, you have fucking standards, even for a whore_, I chided myself.

I had noticed he was a little taller than me, lanky and not too muscled but he could certainly hold his own.

He was fucking perfect.

And then he spoke.

Which did nothing to improve the situation between my legs. Leather and wetness were a bad combo. I was going to need some talc powder if I wanted to get out of these pants later.

"Isn't that outfit a little chilly?"

_Wait, what?_

He smiled slightly as he stared at me, waiting for me to answer him.

What was I supposed to tell him? I didn't know what to say so I waited until he'd have that light bulb moment and realize this outfit was meant to draw him in.

_Please let me fuck you._

"I uh…"

I never stuttered and this guy left me speechless.

He allowed his eyes to scan over my body once more before he nodded – only to himself because he looked away from me. I could see a red blush staining his cheeks in the faint yellow lights of the street lamp.

He was embarrassed. I just didn't know if he was embarrassed for me or for the question he had asked because he now realized how ironic that had sounded.

The box he was holding in his hands was shaking a bit.

He turned to face me and gave me a sad smile before he moved towards the door.

Yep, Mr. Perfect understood perfectly now. He was embarrassed for me.

Fucker. I didn't need pity.

And it didn't seem like he was going to take me up on any kind of indecent proposal, if I asked him.

Fuck. I didn't want to be stuck with this throbbing between my legs and I certainly didn't want to take matters into my own hands. I hadn't masturbated in a long time and I didn't want to start now.

I wanted him to touch me.

"Let me get that for you," I offered, as I opened the door for him.

"Thank you," he whispered, as he walked in.

I was about to close the door for him and wait for Angela to come out – hoping my panties would dry a bit in the cool air - when he turned to look at me.

"Be careful, please," he said, with a small pleading smile on his lips before walking away.

I stood there, mouth agape, until Ang came out and dragged me along, asking me if I was alright.

Truthfully, I wasn't. I fucked men for a living and never had I wanted to fuck one for free.

My body hadn't given a signal of wanting to get fucked willingly in a long time.

_Shit._

This guy, with hair that looked like he was pulling at it a lot because it stuck out everywhere– how fucking kinky – and eyes that made me want to come in ways I had never believed possible, destroyed my numbness completely with one smile.

_Double shit._

That was the first night I wanted to fuck Edward Cullen.

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**A/N: we're only getting started. Bella doesn't know who Edward Cullen is at this point. **

**- Amstat is The American Statistical Association. **

**- THE 24th ANNUAL SEATTLE AIDS WALK & 5K RUN takes place on SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2010.**

**- There is a place called Cowgirls Inc on Pioneer Square in Seattle. Google it. **

**This story will have both Edward and Bella's POV. In the next chapter we'll get to read Edward's mind. **

**Bella's life story will be told in bits and pieces. This chapter just meant to give you a little insight into her world.**

**And yes, she curses a lot. A lot ;) And no, this won't be a story where Edward and Bella get naughty within 10 chapters, might not even be 20. Lemons aren't the primary goal in this story. **

**But that's not to say there's no sexual tension. All I can ask for is patience. If you prefer lemons and a fun fresh story, this might not be for you. **

**If you like dark, edgy stories with - hopefully- a decent dialogue and storytelling, than I suggest you stick around :)**

**Want to know when I update, follow me on the craziness that is twitter and be prepared for the most random of tweets. I love Rob and Kristen, they are adorkable: twitter(dot)com(slash)Bronzehyperion**

**Every writer loves reviews. But mostly, I hope you'll enjoy this story as it unfolds.**


	3. Vocation

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**I heart my BETA Parama. Without her Edward would not be pleased with his POV of this story. ****Her ideas make this story so much better.**

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**CHAPTER 2: VOCATION**

_The "call" by God to the individual_

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession."

I waited for Father Masen to tell me to proceed with my confession, which he did by reciting a psalm and a passage from the Bible.

"_The Lord is full of compassion and mercy, long-suffering and of great goodness. For look how high the heaven is in comparison of the earth: so great is his mercy also toward them that fear him. Look how wide also the east is from the west: so far hath he set our sins from us. Yea, like as a father pitied his own children: even so is the Lord merciful unto them that fear him._

_If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."_

I'd gone to confession at least once a month for many years – I wanted to be a good Catholic and it also served me on the path to be ordained as a priest someday – but never had I actually felt that I was confessing to something that showed a faltering in my devotion. It made me feel truly ashamed.

I didn't assume the sins I'd committed before this one were small; I always felt shame when confessing to the Lord and I believed I had to atone for anything that could put me out of God's grace.

But there was a difference between confessing to a venial – thus forgivable – sin and a deadly one.

I took a deep breath, knowing it was my cue to speak.

"I confess to you, almighty God that I have sinned, in many and various ways, in thoughts, words, and deeds. Last week I was supposed to have dinner with my mother but cancelled without having a good reason. I also ran late for class because I slept through my alarm clock and went to get coffee first instead of hurrying to make it to the second part of the class."

I took another deep breath. I'd missed dinner to work on my thesis – I was in my final year at the School of Theology and Ministry, studying for my Master of Divinity – and had overslept the next day because I had been up all night.

I knew confession wasn't about excuses or explanations. I had sinned therefore I needed forgiveness.

And while the aforementioned sins might be forgivable, I knew I needed absolution and guidance for the sin I was about to confess to.

I took one more deep breath before blurting it out.

"Yesterday I had inappropriate thoughts about a woman," I spoke, my voice shaking slightly.

It was the first time I had confessed to such an act and it made my heart ache to feel this kind of guilt. I had failed my Lord. I had failed Father Masen, who had provided me guidance since I'd been a teenager. I had failed my faith. Myself.

The words hung in the air for a while and I half-expected Father Masen to speak.

But he waited.

And so I continued to speak the final part of my confession.

"Forgive me what I have left undone and my thoughtlessness. Look with mercy on me and forgive me, for Jesus Christ's sake, all my sins. I am sorry for these and all the sins of my past life." I spoke, finishing up.

"Edward, thank you for allowing the Lord to know about these sins. Honesty is the key to move forward. As penance I'd like for you to pray Our Father twice a day. I suggest you contact your mother and make plans to meet her for dinner. You could apologize to her for cancelling before. Running late for classes is easily resolved by keeping better check of the time."

"Or setting various alarm clocks," he said with a slight tease in his voice.

I knew he was trying to lighten the mood a little before getting to the serious part. Father Masen was a fair man who also had a decent amount of humor, which he often used during confession. Not because he didn't take it seriously but because he wanted to comfort penitents without passing judgment. According to him that was not what penance was about.

"If I pass judgment on those who need the Lord's compassion and forgiveness, I am not a loyal follower and I would be spitting in God's face to listen to his followers on his behalf unwilling to remain open minded and committed to wanting to absolve them from their sins," he had told me once.

"As for your final confession," he hesitated.

"I'd like to offer you my guidance in this matter. You've been on such an untarnished path that this sudden harboring of certain inappropriate feelings is a definite concern to me."

"You have proven to be one of God's most loyal and faithful followers. It would be such a shame if this mishap would leave you permanently tainted."

"I'd prefer to analyze these feelings with you. I have faith in you, Edward. While I am concerned about these thoughts that have made their way into your mind, I do not fear for your purity just yet."

"I suggest we end your confession with the Act of Contrition"

"Thank you, Father," I spoke softly.

This part I knew by heart. I'd done it a few times before because it was the most sincere way to show true remorse for one's sins.

"_O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because I have offended you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen."_

Father Masen seemed content with that and proceeded to speak the words that were supposed to lift the burden of sin.

"I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

I made a cross as he spoke the words, mouthing an "amen" myself.

I left the confession booth and Father Masen stepped out from the other side.

"Why don't you come by tomorrow evening, after mass? I am certain you'll feel better once we have talked about this and you can see things in the right perspective again."

"Thank you," I said again.

"I suggest you to read Genesis 3:6 to prepare."

I knew this passage well.

"I will," I vowed.

"Excellent. I'll see you after mass tomorrow then. I am afraid I have to leave you now. I am meeting with the bishop," he said with a smile before walking away.

I walked to the altar and lit a candle like I always did. I said a small prayer, asking the Lord to protect my loved ones before I turned to leave.

"Edward!" a warm and friendly voice called from behind me.

I turned to find Deacon Cullen coming my way.

Cullen, yes.

Dn. Carlisle Cullen to be exact. My father.

He served as a deacon at St. Joseph Parish for over a decade, proclaiming the Lord's gospel during Friday night's mass, while Father Masen led on Sundays. He often assisted Father Masen during special rituals like Requiem Mass or the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. He was delegated to act in the name of the church during rituals like the sacrament of Holy Matrimony and baptism but usually these were administrated by Father Masen.

My father could have been ordained as a priest and he once told me that it had been his full intention to be ordained when he was young. He had studied medicine as well as theology, meaning he wasn't your average young student. He didn't go out; he spent most of his free time in the public library or in church study groups.

He was well on his way to fulfill this destiny. A compassionate and empathic man serving the Lord by spreading his word.

Then he met my mother when he found that one day his usual spot in the public library was taken. He once told me that something unfamiliar and divine had coursed through him the moment he looked into her eyes.

Up until then he had always found God to be the greatest love in his life, but from that moment – that one decision where my mother Esme had decided to sit in his regular spot - she had captured his heart completely, leaving him with the decision to refrain from being ordained and 'settling' for becoming a deacon instead so he could marry her and not live the celibate life.

He had never regretted it, but the transition from being a man on his path to be ordained to a man who chose love instead had left my father in a small crisis of faith. While he'd adored my mother, he'd believed he had let his God down.

It was then he had met with Father Masen - eighteen years older than him who had offered him guidance to sort out his faith and commitment to God.

They'd become instant friends and Father Masen had been the church's witness when my parents had administered their marital vows to one another twenty-six years ago.

My father was an excellent and well respected deacon within St. Joseph Parish. He enjoyed preaching and his sermons were always full of humor and food for thought.

Being a deacon wasn't his primary profession though. Foremost, Carlisle was a pediatrician at Seattle's Children's Hospital. It was no wonder my mother sometimes craved the company of her children for dinner. She was often alone since my father divided most of his time between the parish and the hospital.

"Edward, perhaps you can have dinner with me and your mother tomorrow night?" my father asked.

I smiled. "I think I can manage that. I am sorry I didn't make it the other day."

My father smiled. "Your mother will be pleased. Emmett and Rosalie will be there too; apparently they have some sort of big announcement to make."

"Sounds intriguing."

"Between you and me, while it is wrong to speculate, I suspect they are going to tell your mother she's becoming a grandma," he grinned.

"As long as we're both speculating, that would make you a grandpa," I teased.

"It would be wonderful. But let us not get ahead of ourselves. We'll learn tomorrow."

I nodded. "Are you celebrating mass tomorrow?"

"Yes, I am. I think you'll find tomorrow's sermon to be inspiring, I look forward to discussing it with you."

"I am not certain if Mom wants a repeat of the last debate we got into," I winked.

"It's always a pleasure to discuss the inspiration behind the Gospel with you," my father smiled. "Even if it ends up in a midnight debate where we eat an entire blueberry pie your mother made."

"She keeps asking me why I pray Our Father a little extra and say ten Hail Marys whenever her pie is gone. I tell her I don't want to be punished for gluttony," he grinned.

Her answer is always the same. "You are not overindulging in something when it is my way of showing you how much I love you. The pie is made from love and you can never overindulge in that. I am giving it to you; therefore it can't be a sin."

"Bless her, twenty-six years later and I still feel like the luckiest man in the world," he smiled softly.

My mother Esme was what one might conventionally call a saint – if for no other reason than the patience she had to deal with my father's busy schedule. Of course, she clearly wasn't truly a saint in the Lord's eyes because no such ritual had ever been performed, but there could be no doubt that she deserved it. She worked as a curator at the Seattle Art Museum part time, dividing the rest of it between volunteering at the hospital – reading to children at the cancer ward and working at the community center.

In the early years of their marriage, she had stayed at home, supporting my father by taking care of their household.

Within two years of their marriage, my brother Emmett had been born. Their first son.

Now Emmett and I were different like night and day. He was undoubtedly a good man. But not a man devoted to God completely per se.

He worked as a self employed contractor and his wife Rosalie was a teacher at an elementary school.

They had gotten married four months ago. My father had been the church's witness at the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, while Father Masen had celebrated the mass as they exchanged their vows.

It was about as religious as my brother would get, he had only done it to appease Rosalie who was a devout Catholic. She never missed mass and since Emmett had complained about it in abundance, I knew she had remained pure until their wedding night.

While my brother and I were different I never judged him on the fact that he barely went to mass or how he hadn't been to confession since he was sixteen and my parents decided it was useless to force him to go.

It had been my mother who had convinced my father it was best to leave Emmett be and let him decide how to express his faith.

I supposed in his own way he had decided to keep a connection to God, albeit a small one, by marrying a devout Catholic girl.

But other than that he didn't come to Bible discussions after mass, nor did he ever join in when father and I were discussing the topics of his sermons. He only went to mass when he wasn't working and he worked a lot; being your own boss demanded long hours, meaning he often had to work on Sundays too. I knew he didn't go to confession because of that and I couldn't be sure if Rosalie agreed with this, but I wasn't one to pry.

After all, he had vowed to love, honor, respect, and take care of Rosalie for as long as they both lived in front of God and some of his followers. As long as he kept that vow I suspected she was content and simply prayed for him as often as she could.

And the Lord was kind and forgiving, teaching me I should do the same. If Emmett found no solace or comfort in God's love, I could only hope and pray he found it somewhere else.

Perhaps Rosalie _was_ the angel he had once described her as. Maybe having her in his life was his absolution.

I never envied my brother, for envy was one of the greatest of sins. And it was genuinely heartwarming to see Rosalie and Emmett together. Their love was real.

It reminded me of the love my parents shared. And while they were both busy, they always tried to make time for each other once a week by having dinner or enjoying a quiet evening at home.

Being part of a family with so much romantic love, it may seem strange that I was so certain in my choice to remain celibate and not search for this particular kind of love myself.

And up until yesterday I would have told you the same thing I had told anyone who'd asked me over the years: my true love was my Lord. He would always be my pillar to lean on; his compassion and love were greater than anything I could ever find in a female companion.

Then I met _her._

And she had stirred something dangerous inside me. Make no mistake, it would be wrong to claim I suddenly wanted to know what it was like to experience romantic love.

But she had been the cause that spurred me to feel something I had never felt before. It was hard to describe.

It couldn't be desire, for I knew nothing about that. And while this woman looked like she could be an angel with her dark hair and ivory skin, full red lips–

_Wait what?_

_Stop that_, I chided myself.

I was on a slippery slope here. I was thankful I could speak to Father Masen soon because the more I thought of this woman and how she made me feel –

_Stop._

_Just stop._

There was nothing to feel but compassion for this woman, who obviously worked as a prostitute. I had not realized it straight away, causing me to make the redundant mistake of making a comment on her outfit.

"_Isn't that outfit a little chilly?"_

I hadn't been judging her; it was a mere statement of fact because it was cold at night, even if it was only early September. There were no signs Seattle would be getting an Indian summer this year.

The woman had only stared at me, chocolate brown eyes that looked like they'd seen the horrors of the world.

I had smiled at her, trying to show her I was gentle and kind and that I worried for a fellow human without expecting something in return. Because she had looked at me like she wanted to give me something in return. Having little experience trying to understand women, I wasn't certain what she would have to offer me.

But then, as she had stuttered to answer me and I had shamefully given her the onceover, I'd realized that she was dressed in that specific attire because it was a necessity.

And I realized she was offering me her body.

And that for a few seconds I had given her the impression I _wanted_to accept her offer.

I'd instantly felt a bit dirty. Not because of the realization this was her occupation but because I had looked at her like that, like she was an object instead of a human, even if it had been unintentional and harmless on my part.

I rolled my eyes. Of course it was not harmless. And believing it was should send me straight back to the confession booth.

I took a deep breath, trying to collect my thoughts as I walked home, having said goodbye to my father as he got paged because of some emergency at the hospital.

Father Masen would help me understand this. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't like I'd felt a physical reaction. I was still pure physically.

As I enjoyed the cool afternoon air, I remembered a lecture from Monsignor Laurent we had during my Spirituality, Ethics, and Justice course last year.

How he had spoken of the purity within a mind that desired to serve the Lord and a parish for the purpose of helping to comfort and heal the ones around him.

Purity could only be maintained if one was honest with themselves about struggling with profanity, desire, and lust.

I had yet to start the class on Christian Sexuality – it would be held next semester – so the topics had been nothing short of foreign to me but I did understand the higher meaning.

As long as I was honest with myself and told Father Masen how I had reacted upon seeing this woman, I would not lose my mental purity.

Nursing this hope in mind I made my way to my place. I lived in a small apartment not far from the parish, the interior modest, the only materialistic possession in there was a laptop and I carried a cell phone, because society demanded them these days. When I got home I decided to prepare for my meeting with Father Masen by reading the passage he had recommended.

I took my Bible and found the right passage. Genesis 3:6.

I read the words quietly, understanding why Father Masen had wanted me to read this particular passage in preparation for our meeting.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

The forbidden fruit. The desire to want something pleasing to the eye, but vacant to the soul.

And right now I did desire wisdom too, the desire to shake these feelings or have them explained to me so I could move past them.

Father Masen would guide me, I would be given penance and the balance would be restored. I would be forgiven.

It was common to come across these obstacles. They would make me stronger. They would bring me closer to the Lord.

I had known what I wanted for so long.

My calling - the Lord speaking to me, telling me to devote myself to his kindness completely - had happened when I was thirteen. An accident during a school fieldtrip. Three of my classmates died, including my then best friend Jacob Black. His lifeless eyes still blinded my vision from time to time. I'd been in bad shape as well and as we waited for help to come, I'd seen a white light.

It sounded like a cliché but I had always been convinced it had been the Lord's voice, whispering to me that day.

Telling me that it was not yet my time and that I was destined to spread the gospel of his words and love and bring solace and compassion to those around me. His voice had told me that Jacob's spirit would always be with me and that I mustn't be afraid, for the Lord had been kind enough to welcome Jacob into his arms.

Everything had faded to black after that, ironically.

The next moment I remembered I had woken up in a hospital, my parents relieved and thankful God had spared me.

Jacob's death had left unimaginable mental scars. I had lost my best friend and his family had lost their son, brother, grandson, and nephew. It was a tragedy.

And it had permanently changed me.

Before the accident I'd gone to mass, Bible study groups, and even sang in the church choir. But I'd never considered devoting my entire life to my religion.

I had been content in the way I felt about the people around me. I loved my parents and my brother. I'd also enjoyed little league and the possibility of becoming a professional baseball player. I had never lost my passion for the game completely; I still played for the church team during charity events.

But after the accident, I had made the decision to become a devout Catholic, truly considering the prospect of being ordained to serve as a clergyman. A deacon like my father. Or an actual priest like Father Masen.

By the time I had hit puberty it was difficult to reconcile the teenage hormones and the desire to devote myself to Catholicism entirely. If I had ever looked at girls my age in a sexual manner, I could not remember it now but I was certain the hormones had affected me back then.

But somehow I had managed, hearing God's voice whispering my calling to me every time I prayed for the strength to stay pure and faithful to God.

It had given me strength and since then I hadn't strayed in my faith.

And I wasn't about to give up now just because I had met a tempting hurdle in the form of a beautiful woman.

I kept telling myself that as I showered and got ready for bed.

But as I lay there between the cool sheets, trying to let sleep take me over, all I could see was her, chocolate eyes brimming over with shameful secrets and wistful regrets. A face as pure as white snow tainted by blood-red lips that could whisper unholy promises.

She haunted me like Jacob had done for so many nights.

That was the first night I dreamt of Isabella Swan.

* * *

**A/N: Like Bella, Edward doesn't know he is dreaming of Bella. Nameless face still.**

**Jacob is dead in this story. Sucks for him but well…we can't all share SM's deep affection for him and have him crush on a baby.**

_**(Ps 103: 8-13) First part of what Father Masen is reciting during confession**_

_**(1 John 1:9) Second Part of what Father Masen is reciting during confession**_

_**Act of Contrition: a Christian prayer that expresses sorrow for sins**_

**Deacons can be married; they do not have to be celibate.**

**This story will have a reasonable amount of Catholic/church terms. I try to make it as accurate as possible but seeing as I am not Catholic myself, by all means let me know if the information is not correct. I mean to offend no one, but be warned: Bella will.**

**This is a dark story, but every story has hope.**

**Twitter tells you when I've updated. It also shows you I love to ramble: twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

**Thanks for reading :)**


	4. And Many More

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This chapter is violent and refers to drug use.**

**I heart my BETA Parama. She does more than check my grammar. She's a great supporter and picks up on stuff my brain doesn't even think off :)**

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**CHAPTER 3: AND MANY MORE…**

Ever had a hangover?

I am not talking about a mild throbbing ache that's cured with a couple of Tylenols. I mean the pounding of a sledgehammer against the walls of your mind, making you want to blow your fucking brains out because no painkiller is ever going to make it better.

Yeah, I was fucking experiencing one of those motherfuckers at the moment.

So it didn't really help that someone was holding a cupcake under my nose, waving it around so that a sweet smell of pink frosting could assault my senses and push me over the edge to puke.

"What the fuck?" I grumbled as I buried my face in my pillow, trying to get away from the smell.

"Happy Birthday," the culprit said in a sing-song voice.

_September 13._ My birthday. Whooptie fricking do. It's the one day I wish I could fucking skip. Go straight to September 14 after the 12th. But no such luck. And every year I had to face an entire day being reminded of the day I was born.

What a fucking bad day that must have been. Never in my twenty plus years had there been cupcakes and celebrations to mark the occasion. Angela had tried a couple times in the few years I had known her – putting a birthday card on my nightstand was as close as she had gotten last year, the years before I had just kindly demanded her to forget the 13th marked any kind of occasion for me. A demand she had always taken seriously. Until this year, it seemed.

"Ang, it's early, go away please."

"Silly, Bella," Angela teased as she pulled the pillow away. "It's almost noon. Now rise and shine, birthday girl!"

"I am staying in bed all day," I announced as I grabbed my dark blue quilt and pulled it over my head.

I could hear Angela sigh disapprovingly, but at least she didn't try and drag the quilt away.

"Fine. I am giving you thirty minutes to get your behind out of bed."

"Nu-uh," I countered, the sound muffled through the blanket.

"I made cupcakes, Bella. It's a pretty good day out there; we should go to Martha Washington Park and have a picnic to celebrate your birthday."

A picnic? Was she fucking kidding me? The last thing I needed was being exposed to sunlight with the massive headache I had. And what could there possibly be to fucking celebrate.

"Ang," I protested weakly.

But Angela was resolute. "Bella, get out of bed and take a shower. I'll meet you downstairs in thirty minutes."

"Hey, you just said I could stay in bed for thirty more minutes," I protested.

"You just wasted almost half of that by complaining. Now, get up!" she ordered before leaving my apartment.

Angela left and I dragged myself out of bed unwillingly, only to find the room was spinning so fucking much I wanted nothing more but to crawl back in.

_Fuck._ Why did she choose today to be the perfect friend, baking me cupcakes and shit, knowing I couldn't refuse her?

Saint Angela sure knew how to be manipulative.

To be fair, her cupcakes were fucking epic. I knew because she had baked them a couple of times for the community center. The pink frosting was too girly for my liking though.

I pulled off my nightshirt and dragged myself to the small bathroom, almost tripping over a pair of shoes that were lying there.

"Fuck."

This day was already starting out swell.

I stripped out of my underwear and tossed it into the plastic bag that served as a hamper.

It was nearly full which meant I had to do laundry soon.

Double fuck.

I hated that place. Not only did the washing machines and dryers swallow quarters like an experienced hooker swallowed cum, my clothes never felt really clean after I'd washed them there either. Sometimes I would just buy some cheap soap at the grocer's and hand wash that shit.

Of course, that wasn't much better.

I turned on the faucet and prayed there would still be some hot water left.

Okay, I didn't actually pray. Figure of speech and all that shit.

_Triple Fuck._

No steam.

Great, now I was going to freeze to death before making it downstairs. I paid rent to have hot water and this was the third time this week there wasn't any left come noon.

I was going to have to talk to Mike about that.

I stepped under the cold stream of water reluctantly, knowing I didn't have much of a fucking choice if I wanted to wash away the shittiness that had been the night before.

Now, common fucking sense would be able to tell anybody that there were probably very few hookers who enjoyed their profession. I certainly never met one. Though I suspected someone as brainless as Jessica might actually be too far gone to protest. She clearly had embraced her lifestyle and went with it.

She certainly had last night, the fucking cunt.

Last night she had basically broken the hooker code.

Okay, we don't actually have a hooker code or whatever, but since we all live in the same building, there is this unspoken rule: you don't mess with each other's business. Mike had called that one because he didn't want any fights between the tenants. He's probably just too much of a chicken shit to step in when a fight would occur.

Well, the bitch had broken the unspoken rule.

Everything had been fine when Ang and I had arrived at Cowgirls. Jasper had been tending bar and he'd waved at us in greeting. It was my usual routine to go up to the bar and say hi, while Jasper would give me the skinny on which of his customers were drunk enough to pay and sober enough to stay upright as they fucked me or have me suck them.

Trust me, if they are too drunk or it takes too much time and effort to get them off; it's not a fun night. Some of them start whining or get aggressive when their cock stays limp and they can't get a release. Well, not my fucking problem if you can't stay upright.

Anyway, as I'd tried to get to the bar, Lauren had stopped me. Rambling on about how she needed a shot - I _so_ did not want to know what the fuck she meant by that this time, but I was certain she was dabbling in some weird shit again. I think I'd heard Tyler call it Chinese white whatever the fuck that was – begging me for fifty bucks because apparently I looked like a money tree.

Now, Lauren was sure as hell not smart enough to spell the word decoy let alone _be one_, but before I'd managed to brush her off, I saw that bitch Jessica ride up against a guy I'd been certain Jasper had warmed up for me. He had the right look: decent, well dressed, not too drunk. I'd locked eyes with Jasper who'd given me an apologetic shrug from afar.

Okay, that had been one round lost. I'd still made it to the bar and Jasper and I had chatted for a bit. While Cowgirls was one of his 'sleazier' joints I supposed he was a good entrepreneur. He had a few restaurants in the richer parts of the city and made good money. Plus, he wasn't too shabby looking either. Blonde curls, athletic build. I'd do him if he wasn't with that girl from the community center; Alice.

Weird combo they were, by the way. Alice, as far as I knew, had never shown up at Cowgirls. But she also didn't give him shit about it, as he had told me once.

Anyway, where was I? Right, I may have lost round one but then Jasper had pointed out some French dude named Laurent. And admittedly the fucker had looked pretty good; chocolate brown skin, dreadlocks in his hair. He was even wearing black slacks and a white shirt. According to Jazz, he had been drinking, but not too heavily and he was a good tipper, which meant he was pretty clean cut and carried some cash on him.

Basically, this one should have been in the pocket.

_Or not…_

As I had sashayed my way down to Laurent, looking extra fuckable in my black leather skirt that brought out all the right curves, matched up with a black leather bodice that made my tits look three times their size, I'd noticed Lauren with the guy that Jessica had stolen from me earlier.

And the Überbitch was slobbering all over my fuck of the night.

Fuck me sideways and then some.

Two strikes and I'd been out already.

The rest of the night I'd tried to make up for my financial losses by doling out hand jobs left and right. They were quick, easy and if you did a dozen in a couple of hours you'd make some quick cash. Tens, twenties, that kind of shit.

Of course, that'd been nothing compared to what Laurent and the other guy could have offered me.

And damn, this had never happened to me. I mean, I was a good whore. If being a whore was something to be remotely impressed by. If it was, I should be rewarded with a gold medal.

My mahogany colored hair and fair skin were at least all-natural compared to that slut Jessica who had the cheapest fucking fake tan and the worst color of mousy brown hair. Her boobs were enhanced, her ass wasn't perky and she just screamed cheap. The dictionary must have her name next to the word.

And yeah, whores may be cheap in general, but it doesn't mean you have to look it.

Unfortunately the bitch had ruined my entire night and believe me, there's nothing that makes you feel more dirty than having to suck off a guy in an alley smelling like cat pee and beer barf for a twenty.

* * *

Sitting on the grass, I let the rays of sunshine warm my face and dry my hair.

"I love this park," Angela said. "It's so peaceful here. Makes me feel…"

"Normal?'" I added.

"Yeah."

My cynical dead heart bled for Angela. I wished she could escape this fucking nonexistence. She deserved so much more. I mean, I was doomed to this life forever, undoubtedly.

But I could handle that shit. I didn't have the desire to have a normal life with a two story house and a white picket fence. Kids and dogs in the yard. Ice tea on the porch with a husband after the kids have been put to bed with a bedtime story. The perfect 'Kodak camera moment' life.

I knew Angela wanted it. It sucked she was probably never going to have it.

"You want a cupcake?" she asked me cheerfully.

"Sure. Hit me," I muttered, not wanting to let her down. My stomach was still churning and I was fucking hoping I would be able to keep the sweet sugary sucker down. It wasn't that I'd been drinking so much last night – I preferred not being drunk on the job, even if that might make things easier – but that last guy in the alley…his cock had tasted funny, even through the rubber. Maybe because of the rubber. It left me in a permanent state of nausea.

She handed me a cupcake with purple frosting.

I shot her a surprised look.

"I know you hate pink. And purple is the color of peace of mind. And spiritual fulfillment."

I think I stared at her with the most dumbfounded look on my face for at least a few minutes.

"Eat up Bella!" Angela smiled.

"Spiritual fulfillment, my ass. Very funny," I muttered, causing Angela to giggle.

"So," Angela started between small bites. "How much did you end up making last night?"

"You mean after that bitch Jessica stole two of my potential customers?"

Angela rolled her eyes. "She was rubbing her twinset in their faces and offered them some snort for a twenty. Apparently she was carrying a few grams of coke on her."

_Fuck me what?_

"She brought that shit to the club? Is she fucking insane? If Jasper finds out he is going to kick us out!"

Angela nodded. "I think she brought them to the apartment and let them have their way with her all night."

Could this get any worse?

"Why the fuck is Mike allowing all that shit? I know he isn't the brightest bulb and thinks with his dick and all, but the neighborhood is already ruined enough as it is. We don't need a bunch of fuckers stalking us because they are looking for cheap sex and something to snort.

"Plus, she is giving us a bad rep. Twenty bucks for some blow? And not even the physical kind. That's just bad business.

"And my fucking oral skills triumph that newbie's suction. I deserved those fuckers more because I am a billion times better at getting someone off without offering them drugs first."

"And yet, she took two of your clients."

"Thanks for the support, Ang," I grumbled. I started to pick at some grass straws, grabbing a hand full and blowing them away.

"You are in such a foul mood lately, what gives?"

I snorted. I wasn't a pleasant person to begin with, no Perfect Polly personality so Angela shouldn't be surprised because I always sounded pissed off.

But she had a point. Lately I hadn't been sleeping well. And no sleep for me meant I'd get annoyed more easily. And the more annoyed I got, the more pissed off I sounded.

The lack of sleep was due to the vivid dreams I'd been having for a few nights on a row now.

Dreams.

They weren't even naughty dreams. If only. I'd rather dream about him fucking me in all ways humanly possible than to have these dreams where his gorgeous mouth would whisper my name. Where I would follow him into the direction of this white light but every time I'd reach it, he'd be gone and I'd be faced with someone I didn't want to face.

_Myself._

No wonder I wasn't getting enough sleep. Not when he was occupying my every thought.

_Edward Cullen._

The godlike creature I had met outside the community center three nights before. I hadn't known his name at the time, but Angela had filled me in after she had spotted me outside when he left me standing there gaping and internally panting.

She had teased me for hours after she had pulled me away from the community center, dragging me to the metro station to take us to Pioneer.

"_You are blushing," she accused me teasingly._

"_Fuck off," I countered._

"_Edward's hot, right?" she asked me with a smile._

_Godlike Please Fuck Me Creature had a name._

_Edward. _

"_You know him?" I asked hesitantly._

"_Seen him in passing. Alice told me his name once. He says hello whenever he drops something off. I think he is Esme's son."_

Esme. Esme Cullen. I'd seen her from a distance a couple of times. She seemed like the mothering type. Wanting to fucking smother you with hugs and maternal instinct.

I hated that type.

But you couldn't hate Esme Cullen from what I understood. She was like a fucking saint.

Her husband was a doctor slash priest or whatever. She had two sons, one of whom was becoming a priest as well. Half of her family was dabbling in Holy water. How fucking creepy was that?

_Fuck…_

What if….

_Fuck…_

"Hey Ang…"

I had to know. And if he turned out to be the priest, maybe that was a good thing. It would certainly make it easier to forget about him.

I mean, I wasn't fucking obsessing over him. I never did that shit. In fact, I was pissed that he appeared in my dreams. He was ruining perfectly good nights of sleep.

"Yes, Bella?"

"That Edward dude we saw at the community center the other night..."

"You mean the Edward you seem to have a little obsession with?" she teased as my cheeks fucking betrayed my interest by spilling spots of nervous red.

Fuck my blushing. Some call it cute and coy, I call it damn inconvenient.

"I am just curious about something," I muttered as I broke off a piece of cake and put it in my mouth.

It tasted sweeter than most of the usual things going in there and at least it helped to push the nausea away.

"What do you want to know?"

"Does he work at the community center too? I mean…with his mom working there?"

Subtle Bella. Real fucking subtle.

Angela seemed to agree judging from the shit eating grin she had plastered on her face.

"Why Bella, where is all this sudden interest for the Cullen family coming from?"

"Fuck you, never mind."

Angela kept smiling smugly but stopped teasing me. "Esme Cullen works there, yes. She's a great woman. And no, Edward doesn't work at the community center. He's a student."

Oh, hell yes. If he was a student, then the other one must be the religious wannabe.

Fuck, no. This certainly didn't cure my so called 'obsession.'

"Hmm, I don't do students anyway," I mumbled, my mouth full of cake.

Angela's face lit up with mischief. "Admit it! You were thinking about him, obsessing over him!"

"No way. I am not obsessing."

I totally was.

"I was just curious."

Also true.

"The guy is good looking, you know. I mean, if we'd get to suck off guys like him, our job wouldn't be so bad."

Angela sighed. "You make it sound so cheap."

"What we do is cheap, Ang."

"Perhaps, but you make it sound degrading."

Ang and I had this discussion every once in a while. Usually when she was tired of my crude terminology and when I was tired of her pretending that selling our bodies was anything but cheap.

It wasn't like we were class acts. Well, maybe Angela was. Or rather, she tried to be.

But still. A whore is a whore.

"You can't change what we are, Ang."

* * *

"You shouldn't do this. Not tonight."

"I really should."

"Bella…"

"Ang…"

I swear we were like sisters sometimes. And truthfully, Angela was the only family I had and I would kick and cut off anyone's balls to protect her. But man, she was annoying as fuck when she tried to reason with me.

Right now, she was standing in my small kitchen – if you could call the few cabinets, the teensy countertop with sink and separate stove a kitchen – hand on hip, looking at me with great disapproval.

"It's your birthday. Please don't throw yourself into a night of hand jobs and quick fucks because you want to make up for last night."

"Why Ang, you said a dirty word."

"Bella," she scoffed. "Don't change the subject on me."

"I am not. But last night was shitty business for me and _I need to_ make up for that tonight. I have rent to pay you know," I pointed out, chagrined.

"Bella, you have some savings, I am sure you can skip out on one night."

"No Ang I can't. Besides, what the fuck am I going to do instead anyway? I want to treat this day as any other day. And any other day I go to work."

"You want me to go with you?"

I knew she was supposed to take a night off, so I really didn't want her to sacrifice that for me.

"You were going to see Alice at the community center right?"

"I could cancel that. She wasn't really expecting me anyway. She just mentioned I should stop by. They are handing out baby clothes to teenage moms tonight and they could use an extra pair of free hands to help them.

"Hey, you could come with me. Maybe Edward's there," she teased.

I grimaced at his name. If only she hadn't been a firsthand witness to the impact that guy had on me.

"No way. You know I don't do charity. I'll be fine. Now, how do I look?"

I was wearing a mini jeans skirt with black high heeled boots. Matched with a simple black t-shirt that made my cleavage look fucking spectacular. I was wearing my hair in loose waves. A little red coating on my lips, some mascara to make my eyes whisper "let me fuck you" and I was ready to have some revenge on last night's disaster.

"You look beautiful," Angela said, and she leaned in to hug me.

"Be careful, okay?"

I nodded against her shoulder.

We left my apartment, having to walk the three flights of stairs down, because Mike was too fucking cheap to have one lousy elevator fixed.

Just as we were about to hit the first floor – two floors below ours - Jessica and Mike came walking up.

Mike gave me a bright smile, while the Bitch just glared.

"Hey Bella! Happy birthday!" Mike cheered.

"Yeah, thanks," I muttered.

"You do look older," Jessica smirked.

"Fuck you bitch, you're the one with the fake boobs, fake tan…fake everything."

Angela put a hand on my arm to calm me. "Bella, we should go..."

But Jessica was relentless, smelling an opening to mess with me. And to be fair, in a way I was hoping she would.

"Well, maybe I am fake but I sure as hell make more money than you."

She was slurring her words which meant she was fucking high and wasted.

No surprise there.

"I guess you need all that money to look so fucking cheap."

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Angela and Mike sharing a look but neither did anything to stop us.

"Ah, jealous much Bella? You think you are so high and mighty but you're nothing but a cheap whore."

"As are you, bitch," I snorted.

"At least I am good at it."

"Well, you must be so proud of that."

"If you got it, flaunt it. And you clearly need some push up to be able to flaunt anything."

"Well, you only get fucked when you offer them blow."

I turned to Mike and pointed at the whore in front of me as I spoke, "Did you know she brought coke to the bar last night?"

Mike looked surprised and turned to Jessica for clarification. "You did?"

"Just a little," the cunt whined in a small child's voice. I was waiting for her to turn on the water works. That always worked well on Mike. He was so fucking gullible.

"Ah fuck, Jess. You know how Jasper feels about that shit."

"But baby…"

"Fuck. I have to call Jasper. You better hope he hasn't found out."

"Hey," I called after Mike as he backed down the stairs.

He turned and looked at me expectantly.

"She..." – I pointed at Jessica again – "brought home two of her fucks last night. I didn't know we could do that now."

Mike looked downright shocked, his face white.

"Jess?"

"Baby, you know I need the money."

Mike looked disappointed as he shook his head. "You promised," he muttered before turning to leave.

Jessica stared after him before she turned back to me. She was mad as hell.

Nothing more entertaining than a pissed off junky.

"Oops," I smiled. "Was I supposed to keep that to myself?"

Angela tugged at me again. "Bella, come on…"

"No, Ang, this is getting good."

"You fucking bitch!" Jessica spat at me.

She was just not very good at a verbal throw down…and I was fucking loving it.

"You are a sick twisted person. Just because I took a few of your clients. Snooze you lose, Swan."

"You fucking stabbed me in the back. Plus, you broke the rules, so fuck you. Mike had a right to know."

"I need the money!"

"For what? More blow? Some China white? You're a fucking loser, Stanley. And I don't care that you are, but I don't want druggie types like the fuckers you brought home last night roaming around here."

"I am a loser?" she snorted.

I just stared at her. Like I really needed to affirm the observation again.

"Sure Bella. I am a loser. Whatever you say. And yet, I am not the one whose mother is a whore."

No, this was not one of those "your mother is a whore" jokes.

If only.

I flinched at her words and my stomach fucking flipped. She did not just bring up…

_My mother._

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Oh come on. It's no secret on the streets that Renée Swan was notorious for her blow jobs and anal fucking. Didn't she do the dominatrix thing you try to copy but fail at so badly?"

I clenched my jaw as I tried to tune out her words. But it was too late. My mother's name was flashing inside my mind like a broken neon sign. I tried to ignore it and spit something back at Jessica but pretty soon the neon letters were getting jumbled up, forming more words. New words. Parts of my past I usually pushed fucking down far enough to pretend they never happened.

_Renée Swan._

_Whore._

_Heroine._

_Cop's wife arrested for prostitution._

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Make it stop.

"Bella," I heard Angela call, but her voice sounded so distant, so far away. I had to be drowning or something because all sounds were muffled and I felt like I couldn't breathe properly.

"Poor little Bella. I guess the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. I may not be much better than you, but I sure as hell don't try to be."

"Shut the fuck up," I shouted.

"Hit a sore spot, did I?" she smiled sweetly.

"How's your dad nowadays? Happy about your career choice. He must be so proud," she taunted.

And that was my breaking point.

All I saw was Jessica and her demeaning smile. Drooping a little because she was wasted as fuck but it still served its purpose. She looked smug and pleased with herself.

Her face mixed with the words in my head. Images of people I had tried to forget because I was certain they sure as hell didn't remember me.

Images swirled, dancing with words like a slide show that was about to give me a seizure. It all got too much and I tried to breathe to gain some control. I vaguely felt Angela tugging at me, trying to get my attention but it was useless.

And then it stopped.

And only one thing remained.

Like a bull drawn to a crimson flag, I saw red...

I grabbed Jessica's arm and pulled her close. I twisted her wrist and she writhed in pain. With my other hand I grabbed her hair and yanked hard, causing tears to escape from her eyes.

"I told you to shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch," I hissed.

And then I pushed her back. Right into the open staircase.

High and unbalanced as she was, she had no chance of holding onto something.

And so she fell.

Like I had fallen all my life.

She tumbled down and I could hear her bones breaking.

Like the times I'd been broken.

Over and over.

I suppose I could say it was an accident, for I had only wanted to push her the fuck away. To get her out of my face.

But my subconscious enjoyment was too big.

I could hear Angela crying and shouting for Mike and noticed Tyler and Lauren coming out of their respective apartments.

But all I could see was Jessica tumbling down from step to step until her body reached the bottom with a thud.

Her face was pale white under the fake tan and her eyes were closed.

I could not tell if she was still breathing.

I don't think I even cared.

I could hear Tyler and Lauren shout behind me, while Angela had pulled me to her, holding me close.

But none of it mattered.

I didn't feel it.

The red was gone but the afterglow of unwanted memories remained.

The bitch shouldn't have mentioned…him.

My dad.

Or her.

My mom.

I told her to shut up and she hadn't listened.

She should have known I didn't want to be reminded of…

_Them._

The cop locked the cuffs around my wrists while reading me my fucking rights like I was a retard who didn't know any of the amendments.

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense."

"Bella," Angela called as they pushed me into the back of the cop car.

I couldn't even respond to her as Asshole number one closed the door behind me. I fucking hated cops. And these two fuckers were pretentious with a capital P.

I would have put up more of a fight, but I was numb.

I sat there, slumped in the back seat, wondering how the fuck I'd gotten to this point. I mean, I knew my life was shitty and that the existence of a whore was pathetic at best and pure hell at its worst, but this was a new low.

I'd always been in control.

And tonight I had lost it.

I never lost control.

There was a reason for that. A reason why I was so 'high and mighty' as Jessica had called it. It was all about control. I needed it. Without it I wouldn't be able to make it through the day without becoming like Jessica.

The memories had to stay locked away. And I worked so fucking hard every goddamn day to make sure they did.

And tonight they had resurfaced and I had no idea if I was now on some fucking slippery slope where I wouldn't be able to push down the lid under which they had been hidden so securely and permanently.

What if I couldn't control that anymore?

I didn't want to remember.

_Ever._

I stared out the window as I saw Seattle fly by in the flashing neon-colored traffic lights.

Asshole number two suddenly turned and smirked at me. I wanted to fucking knock his teeth out.

"I noticed on your ID that it's your birthday today."

"Fuck off," I muttered low enough so he wouldn't hear.

"Happy birthday to you."

Yeah, Happy Fucking Birthday to me.

_And many more._

_

* * *

_

**A/N**

**China white is slang for a very pure form of heroin "Blow" is slang for cocaine. I googled. Don't do drugs. Even Bella doesn't. **

**As for the cupcakes: Purple is the color of good judgment. It is the color of people seeking spiritual fulfillment. It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. Little irony there, since Bella a) wouldn't know peace of mind if it slapped her in the face and used the word "fuck" and b) seeking spiritual fulfillment. I think she'd rather say something nice about Jessica instead ;)**

**The parents…Renée is a prostitute in this story. Charlie a cop. I am sure the math isn't hard, but more will be revealed as we go along. It's not THAT simple. **

**Now that the foundations or pillars of the story have been established, we're getting to an actual plot. **

**Follow me in the mad world of twitter if you enjoy rambling and want to know when I update twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

******Thanks for all your reviews. I truly appreciate it.**  



	5. First Test

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She does so much more than simply check my grammar. Without her this story would only be half as good.**

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* * *

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**CHAPTER 4: FIRST TEST**

"_In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. _

"_He had seven sons and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East._

"In these times of wealth, we often find ourselves tempted by the green monster that is money," my father spoke fiercely.

"But is that wrong? Does God judge us because we want to have everything we yearn for and have it in our reach because we can afford it?"

I smiled a little. My father knew wealth was a sensitive subject within the congregation.

Also, as a man who made plenty of money being a doctor, living in a three story house with enough surrounding land to have a large patio, a small vegetable garden, and a secluded driveway with enough room to park four cars, it may seem strange to preach on the rights and wrongs of money, but he wasn't being hypocritical.

I knew, because I grew up in that house. And we didn't have the luxuries of servants or private jets. There was no swimming pool or tennis court, and my parents had always donated large sums of money to various charities and – of course - the parish. The only thing my father enjoyed that could be considered remotely snobbish was a round of golf with Father Masen.

"In other words," my father continued. "Is it wrong for us to have material things?"

He paused deliberately, letting the words sink in for effect. Then he continued to read from 1 Job:

"_His sons used to take turns holding feasts in their homes, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. _

"_When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, 'Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.' This was Job's regular custom._

"Job had wealth but realized that despite the material things he could fall back on, his faith in God always came first; his good fortune could never make him change his mind about that for nothing made him feel richer than his faith in God.

"Which brings us back to the question: Is it wrong for us to have material things? To be longing for some sort of prosperity?

"Perhaps Job would have told you no. Perhaps he would tell you that if you put your absolute faith in God above everything, the rest is inessential," my father said.

He then continued reading, his deep voice soothing and echoing through the parish:_**"**__One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord__, and Satan also came with them. _

"_The Lord said to Satan, 'Where have you come from?' Satan answered the Lord, 'From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.'_

"_Then the Lord said to Satan, 'Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.'_

_"'Does Job fear God for nothing?' Satan replied. _

_"'Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. _

'_But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.'_

"_The Lord said to Satan, 'Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.' Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord._

"_One day when Job's sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, _

"_A messenger came to Job and said, _

_"'The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, _

"'_And the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!'_

"_While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, 'The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!'_

"_While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, 'The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!'_

"_While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, 'Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, _

"'_When suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!'_

"_At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: _

'_Naked I came from my mother's womb,  
and naked I will depart  
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;  
may the name of the Lord be praised.'_

"_In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."_

I let those words sink in. Job's faith had been tested but he had never faltered in his belief, even when he had been stripped from everything, God's love still had been enough.

_Is it enough for me?_ I thought as I covered my mouth discreetly to stifle a yawn. I pushed the thought away because it was ridiculous. Of course I would put my faith above anything else. It was the essence of who I was.

From the corner of my eye I noticed my mother looking at me, while Rosalie – who was situated between us – seemed to be breathing very deeply. I gave her a quick glance and was slightly shocked to see how pale she looked. Pale with a green glow, like she was feeling nauseous. I wanted to ask her if she was alright, but when I met my mother's eyes, she shook her head.

I tried to go back to focusing on my father's words when another yawn escaped me. I was certainly not bored but I was so very tired, the lack of sleep coming back to claim me now that I had to sit still and pay attention for a while.

Last night had been a metaphorical hell for me, with little sleep in what seemed to be an endless dream about the brown haired angel with the ivory skin and the full red lips.

The angel who had sold her soul and body to Satan.

The angel who could not be an angel. No matter how much I longed for her to be.

_Stop!_

She is just a woman. Not an angel.

_Not your angel._

"So what does this teach us? Should we feel comfortable about our own welfare, as long as we always put our faith in first place? Or is that too easy and should we not hide behind the premise of believing when our world is corrupted with greed and power."

My father smiled. "Perhaps the answer is more complex than a simple yes or no. After all, the necessity of welfare, the need to have provisions is of all times. Should God think less of us because we need to provide for our families? Or is it alright to not fear for our souls as long as we do not steal, do not corrupt others in order to gain something ourselves?

"We need to be fair. The world is changing rapidly. Modesty versus Materialism. The two can hardly be reconciled. Or can they?"

My father was an amazing speaker. I could see it in the eyes of the ones he spoke too. He preached, but never lectured. He gave hope but with a sense of realism. He knew the times were different; there were modern standards and he made sure the sermons could match those standards, while still holding true to the essence of the original purpose of the scriptures.

"I would like to invite you all to join me for a meeting to interchange opinions on the matter. Those of you who have seen the announcement on the bulletin board near the entrance know that our Bible class has been switched to Tuesday next week instead of this afternoon. Feel free to join me to discuss the topic of Modesty versus Materialism then," he encouraged.

"Now, let us all rise to join the choir in singing Psalm 139."

_O Lord, you have searched me  
and you know me._

_You know when I sit and when I rise;  
you perceive my thoughts from afar._

_You discern my going out and my lying down;  
you are familiar with all my ways._

_Before a word is on my tongue  
you know it completely, O Lord._

_You hem me in—behind and before;  
you have laid your hand upon me._

_Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,  
too lofty for me to attain._

_Where can I go from your Spirit?  
Where can I flee from your presence?_

I sang the words softly as I stood, trying to connect to the words in order to understand them fully. His Spirit was everywhere around us and I could always feel it deep inside my soul. There was no room for anything else.

There was no room for _someone_ else, because I had made the decision to follow this path a long time ago. God had called upon me and had chosen me to be his disciple.

That was who _I_ was.

Rosalie stood next to me, wobbling a bit, murmuring the words distractedly.

I noticed how my mother grabbed her arm gently to give her some stability.

There was clearly something wrong with her.

My father continued mass by reading from 1 Thessalonians 5:12-25, a passage on how Christians should behave, before he announced the end of mass by leading in prayer.

"Now, let us pray." he started.

"Lord, bless us with your kindness. Your unconditional love. Give those who need it the strength to mend their hearts and souls. May our prayers reach those in New York, who remembered the tragedy of September 11th yesterday. Let us pray for them to find the strength to deal with their loss and find peace in knowing you have taken those who lost their lives under your wing."

He finished with praying Our Father before ending the mass.

Rosalie stood and excused herself instantly. She flashed me a small smile before rushing away.

"Is she alright?" I asked my mother.

"I'll go check on her. You'll join us for dinner tonight?" my mother asked me eagerly, a maternal smile ghosting on her lips.

"Yes, I'll be there. I have a meeting with Father Masen first, but it won't take long."

At least I hoped it wouldn't. I wanted him to offer me food for thought or perhaps some kind of solution. I'd even settle for some sort of penance. I knew Father Masen would never judge me but I wasn't certain if I was ready to be confronted with my own feelings.

_Stop it! There are no feelings._

I closed my eyes for a second, to find a set of chocolate eyes staring back at me.

Okay, there were feelings, but Father Masen would help me figure them out.

My mother nodded – it took me a few seconds to realize she was responding to whatever I had told her; oh right, I was going to join my family for dinner- and gave my arm a soft squeeze before turning to follow Rosalie.

For a moment I wondered if it wasn't Emmett's place to be here to support his wife but I pushed those thoughts aside. I shouldn't judge my brother. He must have had his reasons to be elsewhere; chances were he was spending his Sunday working again.

I had other things to focus on, like my meeting with Father Masen. I'd promised to stop by right after mass, so I gave my father a small wave – he was still talking to the Smith family, who had just been blessed with a grandchild - and made my way to Father Masen's office. I found the door was open and that he was already waiting for me.

"Edward, come in," he invited me with a smile.

I walked in and shut the door behind me. I took a deep breath before turning and taking a seat across from him.

His office was modest but crowded because it was filled with shelves full of books and almanacs. He had a large desk filled with more books, papers, and pens. There was a laptop resting on one of the lounge chairs. Even priests needed to be connected to the rest of the world through technology nowadays.

"Apologies for the mess. Mrs. Cope has offered to clean, but I keep declining her. I am too afraid she'll snoop around," he chuckled.

Mrs. Cope had been a volunteer at the church for over thirty years; she cleaned the parish at least twice a week and was very active within the community as well.

She was also very nosey.

"How are your studies going?" he inquired with interest, his hands resting in front of him on his desk.

"Very well."

I sat there, fidgeting with my hands because I felt nervous.

This was a first. Father Masen had always been very good at making me feel at ease.

Of course this time was different from all the other times I'd met with him.

"I take it you are setting extra alarm clocks now to make it to your first class in time," he winked.

I looked up from my lap and flashed him a tentative smile. "Yes."

"Good."

He allowed the silence to hang between us for a bit, until he scraped his throat to catch my attention.

"I have given some thought to what you confessed to me yesterday but I am afraid there are a few things that are unclear to me.

"Would you mind telling me about these thoughts you claim you had? Elaborate on them? I told you your confession concerned me, and truthfully it does, but without a full picture those concerns might be unjustified." Father Masen said.

I took a deep breath to collect my thoughts. His concerns were definitely not going to be in vain. He would learn that as soon as he knew the whole story.

"I went to the community center two nights ago; I had to drop off some boxes of clothes for a charity hand out. Outside the center there was a woman," I explained.

"I see. And you had inappropriate thoughts about this woman?"

"She…she was dressed in a certain way…" I stammered.

"What does that mean?"

I swallowed hard. "I didn't mean to look her over, but she was dressed quite… scantily."

"It's hardly a mortal sin to look a woman over, Edward. Even if she was wearing very little in terms of attire. I have seen women enter the parish dressed like they were going to a swimming pool. It may be difficult for us to understand their motivation behind choosing a certain outfit and I am sure it's hard for men in general to understand the way women sometimes feel about clothes – but that's hardly a thing to condemn you to hell," he teased.

"I commented on it, asking her if her outfit wasn't too chilly."

"And did she respond?" Father Masen asked.

I frowned, wondering why that would be relevant.

"She looked at me as if I missed some sort of point but she didn't speak."

"I am afraid I don't understand what that means," Father Masen admitted.

I hesitated. This was what it came down to. The reason he would soon learn why I had failed him, why his belief in me was unjustified.

"She's a prostitute," I blurted out. "That's why she was wearing so little."

That earned me a surprised look.

"Hmm…"

Father Masen took a moment to process the information but then he spoke softly.

"Edward, you encountered a woman whose profession may be questionable. I understand the confusion because it raises questions, like why someone would choose this lifestyle. I also understand that by looking her over you feel like you committed a sin. But it doesn't mean you are having a crisis of faith. Is that what you think you're having?"

I desperately wanted to tell him no. I wished I could tell him no. But the truth was bitter and frightening.

"I deliberately looked her over. After I figured out that she was a prostitute. And ever since I can't seem to get her out of my mind. So yes, I think that could be defined as a crisis of faith," I nearly spat.

I took a breath to calm myself and immediately apologized. I had no right to take this out on Father Masen.

"Forgive me; I had no right to raise my voice."

"That's alright, Edward. You're upset," he sighed.

"So, what do we do with you now?"

If only I knew.

"Edward, have you ever had these thoughts before? About a woman, I mean?"

Of course not. Not since I was too young to realize what celibacy meant.

"I made my choice to follow a path that would lead me into God's arms so I could be his true follower, a long time ago. I chose to be celibate. To have provocative thoughts about a woman is shaking the foundation of everything I believe in."

Father Masen nodded. "Perhaps. But a crisis of faith is not meant to make you falter nor to make you give up.

"And calling it a crisis indicates you are giving up."

"I am not, but I have no idea how to deal with this," I admitted.

"You have read the passage I suggested to prepare for today?"

I nodded. "The forbidden fruit. The desire to want something pleasing to the eye, but vacant to the soul."

Father Masen smiled. "Indeed. But don't forget the desire for wisdom."

"It seems I need that most of all right now," I mumbled.

"Edward," Father Masen started."I have always admired your determination to find God and serve him. You mustn't worry about losing that determination.

"Don't look at this as something forbidden; look at it as a challenge. If this girl is haunting you, then perhaps she is a part of the road you are already travelling to become as close to God as you possibly can."

"But the thoughts…"

"Those thoughts are tempting, are they not?"

I hung my head in shame and nodded.

"She must be something, this woman…"

She was. And the only reason I didn't allow my mind to wander on the specifics of this "something" that she was, sat in front of me, trying to guide me through this. Having faith in me that I wasn't certain I deserved.

"But you don't know her. She is an enigma right now, something strengthening your own subconscious ideas of what she could be."

"She's a prostitute," I stated firmly.

"She is a human being. Maybe that human being is far less intriguing once you get to know her."

"What are you saying?"

"Maybe you met her for a reason."

I stared at him blankly.

"Maybe she was godsend."

* * *

I arrived at my parents' house just before dinner, after driving around for a while to mull over the words Father Masen had left me to ponder.

_Maybe she was godsend_. Admittedly I had believed he was joking with me, but he had been completely serious and even advised me to think about his words and speak with him again after next week's mass.

A blue sedan was parked outside the house, which meant Emmett and Rosalie were already here.

I walked in to find my mother standing in the hallway to greet me.

"Hello handsome," she cooed, causing me to roll my eyes a little.

"Mom..."

"Edward Anthony, you're a handsome boy. Don't argue with me," she chided me gently.

I kissed her cheek as she hugged me. "Fine, you are always right." I agreed.

"But I am not a boy anymore."

"You'll always be my boy."

I simply smiled.

"Emmett and Rosalie are here already and they are eagerly awaiting your arrival," she winked.

I smiled and followed her into the living room, where Rosalie and Emmett were chatting to my father.

"Look who's here," my mother announced.

"Hi everyone," I greeted them.

"Son, glad you are here!" my father said cheerily.

"I was just on my way back to the kitchen to check on dinner. Would you like something to drink?" my mother asked me.

"I'll come get it from the kitchen in a minute," I smiled.

"Alright, dear."

I walked over to the sofa where Rosalie and Emmett were looking through a prospectus for – from what I could tell – nurseries.

"Uhm…." I started, confused.

Emmett turned to grin at me, while Rosalie gave me a soft smile.

"We just told Mom and Dad. We're having a baby!"

I felt a grin spread on my face as I hugged Rosalie to congratulate her.

That felt natural and certainly not inappropriate. I had known Rosalie for years and while she was beautiful, she had never been a temptation to me.

"You must be thrilled, it's wonderful news."

"You're going to be an uncle!" Emmett said, slapping me on the back.

I had to grin at that. "It's such a blessing."

"I don't know bro. You as an uncle means you'll have him enrolled in Bible class first thing tomorrow."

Rosalie rolled her eyes at my brother. "We don't know if it's going to be a boy."

After a short chat about Rosalie's condition – she was due early spring - and Emmett's desire to have a son, I retreated to the kitchen to check on my mother.

I found her with tears streaming down her face as she was cutting up some onions.

"Are you crying because you're becoming a grandmother or is it the onions?" I teased

My mother rolled her eyes, but then cracked a smile. "Isn't it great?" she said excitedly.

I nodded.

I helped her by peeling some potatoes and we worked in silence for a while, until my mother broke it.

"How have you been sweetheart?"

"Busy," I said, which reminded me of what I had promised during my confession with Father Masen.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Edward."

"I am sorry I cancelled on dinner last week. I was so wrapped up in my thesis, but that's no excuse."

"I know you are very busy, don't worry about it."

"I still feel bad," I confessed.

"Would it help if I said I forgive you?" my mother teased.

She knew me well. She knew how important it was for me to be forgiven for my sins, even if she didn't use the same context when expressing her forgiveness. My mother cared less about being a devout catholic than I did – she would never lose her faith, but it was something more natural and less spiritual with her. Perhaps it was a woman's instinct she allowed herself to be led by or simply the mother-child bond that always made her forgive me regardless of what I did. For me, it was about spiritual forgiveness all the time. It was probably obsessive to an outsider who didn't believe, but for me it was essential to fulfill my destiny.

"How's the community center?"

"Doing as much as we can to help the people in the neighborhood. Tomorrow night we are having a handout of baby clothes to teenage mothers," my mother answered.

"That's very kind."

"Those poor girls, they are so young. Children raising children. Without any guidance their children will end up doing the same. We need to break that cycle."

I nodded.

"How's the Redemption program going?"

The Redemption program was a project sponsored by the parish. It was a guidance program where people who had lost their way in life could try and get back on the right track with the help of a buddy–system. Their assigned buddy would help and support them into having a better life.

"We have room for two new people. And you still have to fill your slot as a buddy," she reminded me.

I felt slightly ashamed for putting this off for so long. I'd been so busy with taking classes and my study groups plus Bible discussion groups and attending mass as much as I could, that I hadn't signed up yet.

"Put me on the list as a buddy for one of the two new ones."

"I will tell Alice."

"Any takers to fill the spots?"

"Well, Angela mentioned a friend of hers."

"Angela?"

"You know, Angela Weber, the young woman with the glasses who helps Alice out occasionally."

I remembered her. She came in occasionally and always chatted with Alice for a bit. She was always very charitable and seemed to have a kind and gentle spirit.

"Though frankly, while the girl is a dear, she could use some guidance herself."

"Why?"

"Well, please don't ever mention this in front of Angela because I wouldn't want to embarrass her, but she is a prostitute."

_Wait, what?_

Angela was a…

Prostitute.

My face must have betrayed shock because my mother put her knife down to touch my arm gently.

"Edward, she must have been through so much in life. And she is such a kind person. I wish we could help her. Maybe Alice can convince her to join the program."

I barely heard my mother as my mind was racing a mile a minute. If Angela was a prostitute then who was her friend?

"And this friend…?"

"Oh yes, Bella. Well her full name is Isabella. She doesn't come in often but occasionally she joins Angela for a bit. She always seems uncomfortable there. I understand why Angela would want her to join the program too. They are both in the same boat."

I didn't need to ask what she looked like because there was no way this was not the woman haunting my dreams at night and blinding my vision when I was awake.

"It's a shame though. She is such a beauty; mahogany wavy hair, eyes like chocolate, the type of pale skin women would die for – well metaphorically. She shouldn't be out on the streets, doing what she does."

She shouldn't. But how to change that?

And who could change that?

_Was it me?_

_

* * *

_

I left my parents' house around 10:00 PM, having enjoyed the company of my parents and feeling pure bliss in the way Rosalie and Emmett talked about their expending family.

I wasn't sad that I'd never experience becoming a father for I was destined to spread God's love and help those who needed to find redemption.

Someone like Isabella.

_Bella._

_Beautiful_.

I sighed as I closed my eyes, thinking of today's sermon and Job's test.

God had allowed Satan to test him, to prove Job's loyalty.

And he had been right, because Job's faith had never faltered.

I needed to be just as strong. Father Masen's words rang clear in my ears as Bella's face clouded my vision.

_Don't look at it as something forbidden; look at it as a challenge. _

He was right. Perhaps Isabella was not someone I needed to shy away from in hopes to forget her.

Perhaps it was the opposite.

_Maybe she was godsend._

Maybe she was my first test.

* * *

**A/N: **

**- This is an Edward and Bella story but it's not fluffy romance. Once they get to know each other properly, things might lighten up a bit on occasion but this is about so much more than them falling in love.**

**- The way I understand it ****on Sundays three Scripture readings are given; the first is from the****Old Testament****. The first reading is followed by a****Responsorial Psalm****, a complete****Psalm****or a sizeable portion of one. A****cantor****,****choir****or lector leads, and the congregation sings or recites a refrain. The second reading is from the****New Testament****, typically from one of the****Pauline epistles****.**

**- Carlisle is reciting verses from Job 1. (in italics) This is about Job's first test: the stripping of his wealth to see if his faith would be tested. For Edward, the words spark something reversed. He doesn't see the test of meeting Bella as a test to strength his faith, he sees it as a mission. ****The rest of Carlisle's sermon (not in italics) is made up.**

**- Psalm 139 in completion can be found here: **biblegateway(dot)com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&version=NIV

**- 1 THESSALONIANS 5:12 25 can be found here: **biblegateway(dot)com/passage/?search=1+thessalonians%205:12-5:25&version=NASB

_(Note: The Catholic customs and Bible references are not going to be featured so heavily in every (Edward) chapter but for now, it's a glimpse into his world._

**- The Redemption program is small because it is run by the community center and financed by the parish. These kinds of programs do exist, such as the Hookers for Jesus program: hookersforjesus(dot)com**

**- the timeline in this chapter: The sermon, talk and dinner take place two days after Edward has first seen Bella, which was 9/10. That would make this chapter 9/12. A day after 9/11 which is why Carlisle asks people to pray. Since it's not key to the story and Seattle didn't feel the impact NY did, it's only a small reference. But still, a shout out to those who lost someone or simply feel a connection.**

**- Last chapter was Bella's birthday, a day after this chapter. In the next few chapters things will start to sychronize.**

**- If you want to know when I update, brave the madness that is Twitter: twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

**I love reviews, every writer does ;) ****Have a good week! :)**


	6. Salvation

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. ****Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She does so much more than simply check my grammar. Without her this story would only be half as good. She remembers things I forget. **

* * *

**CHAPTER 5: SALVATION**

Fuck. My. Life.

And fuck yours too.

Fuck everyone.

"Isabella Swan?"

No, she's running an inner monologue to curse the fucking world, so she is currently unavailable to answer you.

"Swan?"

Fuck the hell off.

"You have a visitor."

* * *

Jail sucks balls, figuratively.

Well actually it sucks balls literally too. Especially if you want to get something done in a place like this. If you kiss the right asses and suck the right dicks, you might actually have a shot to be king in prison.

Well, queen in my case.

And no, I didn't try to fuck the arresting officer's brains out so that he would release me when they brought me in.

Please, I have some standards. And some common sense.

Besides, cops have the worst performance rate anyway. I have sucked off a few of them in my time and let me tell you, they all came within a minute.

Or maybe I am _that _good.

Sure, Bella. Why don't you boast about your talents in getting men off in a record time right now?

Great context and such a befitting place to do that, Bella.

When they'd hauled me in, I'd been thrown into one of those large police holding cells at the Seattle PD.

And I hadn't been alone.

I'd sat there with two crack whores, one suspected drug dealer who'd instantly started rubbing his cock in front of me through the fabric of his jeans – not very subtle and extremely pervy– at the sight of my outfit, and one dude who was too wasted to know where he was.

After an hour, I'd been transferred to a single cell. Spending the night because no bail had been posted yet.

No surprise there. Like anyone would pay for a whore other than when she was needed on her knees or with her legs spread open wide.

I was going to be here for a while. And then, when some mothereffing corrupted up to his eyeballs type judge would rule, he'd send my whoring ass to an actual prison.

Fuck, would my analysis of fucking and sucking to maintain some dignity – irony, I know – in prison actually be spot on?

Well, they better crown me über-Queen then, if that shit was going to happen.

After all, prison meant a roof over your head, three disgusting meals a day and a bed – if that's what you could call that piece of scrap metal shit – to sleep in. For some people that was probably a good deal.

Please, Bella…you wouldn't last more than a week before you'd cut a few bitches and get your ass transported to permanent isolation.

True. I'd rather live on the fucking streets and cut some bitches there.

One night was already far too fucking long. And trust me; a night gets a billion times longer when you have nothing but a bed with a crappy mattress and a blanket that barely keeps your ass warm.

But mostly, what made the time pass so damn slowly was the thought of _them._

Of _him._

I'd broken Jessica's bones with one push, much like she had broken a carefully built wall that was now crumbling under the memories and images I didn't want to see.

Also with one push. One fucking reminder.

Renée Swan.

My mother_._

_A whore._

Charlie Swan.

My father.

_A cop._

Their story isn't one I enjoy remembering or telling, for it doesn't have a happy ending.

And no. Not even I could fucking qualify as their happy end.

Quite the opposite, trust me.

I'd blinked against the pain as the darkness of the cell danced around me. There hadn't even been mocking shadows on the walls to give me some indication if it was night or day.

Amidst the memories I'd tried to push down, there was him.

_The angel._

Edward Cullen.

His stare was etched into my brain and every time I'd closed my eyes I'd see those jade beacons stare back at me.

Like he'd fucking care if he knew. I'd been nothing but a whore on the side of the street to him.

_Why would you want him to notice and remember you? He can't save you anyway. He's nothing but a stranger._

Shut the fuck up.

I would have fucking screamed all night if I could. But instead I'd just laid there.

Alone.

Always alone.

* * *

The guard who looked like his grey uniform was two sizes too small – hello ass crack, thanks so much for the visual- and his waist could use less Kentucky Fried Chicken - waited until I got up from the poor excuse for a bed that was shoved into the corner of the small cell.

I stretched before I followed him out, as my limbs were sore from lying down all night.

He led me into one of those large visitation rooms, except there wasn't a glass wall with those phone thingies to talk through. This was just a large room filled with people.

It made me want to go back to the crappy 6 by 8 cell.

The guard halted in front of a table with a man sitting there.

Fuck me if I knew who this man was and so I was about to turn my ass around and leave when he introduced himself.

Well, sort of.

"Ah, Miss Swan."

"Ah, fucking dude whose name I don't know…"

He flashed me a grin before he spoke. "Jasper mentioned you have quite the mouth on you."

"Jasper wouldn't fucking know, I have never sucked him off."

"And a sense of humor too," he smiled. "How delightful."

"I am James Brandon. I believe you are familiar with my sister Alice. She runs the community center. I am a criminal defense attorney."

I was slightly taken aback because this guy looked nothing like jet-black spiky haired Alice with his sandy blonde hair. Although, when looking closer, they both had those piercing blue eyes.

"Great, now that we are acquainted, shall we proceed?"

I stared at him blankly for a bit until I noticed he was gesturing for me to take a seat.

Once I did the guard moved away, but not far enough for me to make a run for it.

Right, like I'd fucking run.

I had no place to go.

"How are you?"

I snorted at the question. How was I? How the fuck_ was _I?

"Just dandy," I said icily.

"I understand these places can be uncomfortable." James offered.

I rolled my eyes at that as I let my fingers drum on the flat surface of the formica covered table.

"You have fucking experience? Got arrested much in your pre law days, _James_?"

I spat out his name like an insult.

"You're a defensive girl, aren't you?"

"You barely passed your bar exam didn't you?" I shot back.

Fuck. Why was I stuck with this dipshit of a lawyer?

"Let's leave these pleasantries behind and get started."

He didn't wait for me to protest.

"Jessica Stanley has pressed charges against you for battery because she suffered a few broken ribs and a broken ankle. Plus bruises on her body and face. She claimed you pushed her down a flight of stairs.

"A judge will decide on whether or not bail will be set during an arraignment later today. If bail is set you'll be released until there's a court hearing."

I ignored the legal speak.

"So the bitch is alive?"

James let a chuckle slip at my brusque tone. I supposed I sounded a bit…disappointed.

"You might want to refrain from verbalizing such comments aloud. They will probably harm you more than they'd do you any good"

Fuck him. This was all I had. My potty mouth.

"Look, save yourself the pep talk shit, okay. It's a little too late to get me on the straight and narrow."

"It's never too late, Isabella," James spoke softly.

"Fuck off; I don't need this counseling shit. I am a whore, dude."

James frowned at that. "That's your current profession, yes. But it is not the essence of who you are."

The essence of me was often filled up with someone's cock. Very spiritual.

"Cut the 'essence' crap, will you? Why don't we fucking talk about what I did, instead?"

He nodded in agreement.

"I nearly killed a bitch last night and admittedly, I am very disappointed she is alive."

"You two were clearly not friends. Did you push her on purpose?"

"Yes."

I just hadn't meant for her to fall down a flight of stairs. But I wasn't exactly sorry about it either.

"Was there a reason for that?"

"She was in my face; I wanted her skanky ass out of it."

"And so you pushed her down a flight of stairs?"

"I fucking pushed her. Not my problem if she can't hold enough balance to not fall down those stairs. If she wasn't so cracked and boozed up all the fucking time, she might have had the ability to stay upright."

"So you pushed her, but it wasn't deliberate?"

"Fuck, are you stupid? Of course it was deliberate."

"So you planned to push her down the stairs?"

"No."

"No? So you pushed her but you didn't mean for her to fall down the stairs?"

I shrugged. "I guess."

"Good, that means we can use the self-defense angle because you didn't mean for her to fall."

"But I don't care that she did."

James was writing stuff down and nodded. "Perhaps it's best I leave that part out when I present your case in front of a judge."

"Who's paying you?" I suddenly asked.

The thought hadn't really occurred to me until he talked about "presenting my case."

"I occasionally do pro bono work."

I was some fucking charity case now?

More importantly, whose fucking charity case was I?

"Yeah, that shit is not going to happen. How much do you charge by the hour?"

"Isabella, you don't need to worry about it. Jasper and Alice have set it up this way."

So he was fucking lying too? Way to trust your lawyer…

"How much are they paying you?"

"Like I said, it's pro bono."

"Oh shut the fuck up….they must be fucking paying you. How much?"

"It's not about money, Isabella. I am doing this because my sister requested it. She said you were a friend that got into some unfortunate trouble."

I snorted at the assumption. Alice Brandon and I weren't friends; we couldn't even be branded as acquaintances.

"She barely fucking knows me, so spare me the crocodile tears on how she cares..."

James sighed and dropped his pen. He leaned back and looked at me intently for a bit.

"Your friend Angela told Jasper about your arrest. He was with Alice and she instantly contacted me."

It made no sense. It had been a decent thing to do and I understood why Angela would contact Jasper. He was a good guy and I sort of trusted him. But why the fuck get me a lawyer? I didn't know him well enough for him to do that.

"Look, even if you get the charges reduced or dropped due to self defense, I would never be able to make bail if it's set today. I'll never be able to come up with the cash. So why bother? I'll just wait until this thing goes to court and let the judge decide then."

"It could be at least a month before your case gets a court date, Isabella. Do you prefer to be in jail that long, knowing you might be sentenced to an even longer period of time in prison?"

I just hmpf'ed at that.

"Look Isabella, I don't think you realize what a serious misdemeanor you committed. We're looking at possible time in prison here."

"How much?"

I had to ask. I had to be prepared to become Queen in prison instead of someone's bitch.

"At best you'll get a large fine and possibly some community service. Plus a few years of probation if the judge is very strict."

"And if this judge is a motherfucker who wants to see me hang?"

James grimaced at my words.

"Then you go to prison."

* * *

_Prison._

I could go to fucking prison.

One day in this holding cell and I was already losing my mind.

Fuck that bitch Jessica and her inability to keep her balance.

_Sure, Bella. It's her fault now. You may hate her coke infected guts but she doesn't deserve to die._

_Shut up, she broke a couple of fucking bones. Now she can get high on pain meds for free instead of having to fuck random drugged up idiots to score some blow._

Jail time obviously made for some interesting inner monologues.

I waited for what felt like days, when in reality it were only a few hours until "Ass Crack Kentucky Fried Chicken" guard stood in the cell doorway.

"Swan?"

Charming fucking fellow Ass Crack Kentucky Fried Chicken was.

"You're _out."_

* * *

"Here you go."

I looked at the glass of water like it was about to explode.

"Aren't you thirsty?"

It was Alice Brandon, hovering around me with glasses of water and offers to make sandwiches because 'jail food had to be very unappetizing'

No fucking kidding.

I tried to be polite when I declined for the umpteenth time. The girl was so damn bouncy, it made me nervous.

"I said I am fine. _Fuck_…"

Okay, so I only half succeeded.

I should have been surprised when I saw Jasper and Alice standing in the waiting area at the police station. But I had expected it after what James had told me.

They "cared" after all.

In reality, it'd mostly been very embarrassing for me.

Having them stand there meant some asshole judge had set bail for me and they'd paid it.

I wondered how many blowjobs that was going to cost me.

And who I had to blow for it.

"Bella, chill," Jasper ordered. "Alice is just trying to be nice."

I rolled my eyes at him, but gave Alice a polite smile.

"Thanks, but I don't need anything."

They'd brought me to the community center and now I was sitting in Alice's office, feeling like a little school girl being reprimanded for being bad.

James the lawyer slash Alice's brother had called her and Jasper to let them know a court date was set two weeks from now.

Apparently I no longer had the right to hear things first hand now that I had been arrested.

The silence was deafening and I wondered if this was fucking worse than staring at the walls of that 6 by 8 small jail cell.

It must be because Alice looked at me all expectantly while Jasper tried to be suave about me sitting here like it was completely normal.

Fucking hell, just bring it up already. Fucking bail money. Just tell me what I owe you.

"Thanks for the shirt," I mumbled at Alice.

That was a pussy copout.

She gave me a tentative smile. "I figured you could use something to cover…never mind."

Never fucking mind indeed. This was what I did, exposing my skin to bring pleasure. To make money.

Then why did I feel so naked now?

Maybe because you owe these two a buttload of cash now?

Or maybe because they were real 'normal' people and I was the odd one out here.

The one who never belonged.

_Get a goddamn grip, Bella. When did you become such a whiny bitch?_

One night in jail and I got all emo.

"It's okay. Just thanks."

She nodded.

"I need to head out for a bit, I have some errands to run. I'll see you later," she announced as she walked over to Jasper and gave him a small peck on the lips.

He wasn't having any of that and got a good hold on Alice, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

I envied what I saw. Their relationship was pure, decent. Maybe kind of boring. It shouldn't fascinate me, but it did.

Yep, definitely emo.

Jasper's past wasn't something to be cheery about. He had certainly not been a fucking saint before he met Alice. I didn't know the exact details, but his life had been shit before she had come into his life.

When they had met, she had offered him perspective; hope. Now, she was his reason for living. The essence of his existence.

Fuck that James and his 'essence' crap.

Strangely enough, Cowgirls had been Jasper's salvation. He had started that business at his lowest – again, the details were minimal but I knew Jasper's past had involved drugs and rehab – at his most defeated and the club had been a success. It was the first place he had ever owned and the only reason he still owned it was to make sure it stayed as decent as a strip club could.

He only spent a few nights a week there. The rest of the time was divided between the Italian and Thai restaurant he owned as well.

I didn't know much about his rehab days, nor did I fucking care. Jasper had turned out to be a strong man. An admirable person for overcoming his demons.

I would never be that strong.

I was always too fucking weak.

I hadn't even noticed that Alice had left – I couldn't even remember if she had told me goodbye – until Jasper scraped his throat.

"Look, Bella…"

Before he could start an awkward speech on the obvious money I owed him, I beat him to it.

"I know, Jasper, I know. I probably owe you an assload of money for bail and whatever amount of money you paid that shithead brother-in-law who pretends to be a lawyer. I swear I will pay it back. I'll try and leave Pioneer and Cowgirls for a bit and look for other places. I think maybe I could try and get something part time at one of those exclusive clubs. I hear they pay like a grand a night if you get hired."

Jasper just stared at me, shaking his head. I took that as mistrust. Surely he would know I'd never want to be in debt with him.

"Really, I'll get it back to you. If you just tell me how much I owe you, I'll get going right away and even start working tonight. Whatever I make goes straight to you. Of course I still need to pay fucking rent to that cocksucker Mike and all, but maybe if you and I cut a deal on how much you want me to pay you back every week or month – with fucking interest of course…"

I was ranting now and Jasper wasn't having any of it.

As I tried to catch my breath – and wished I had accepted that glass of water now because my throat was starting to hurt worse than when having a big cock shoved in my mouth – Jasper took advantage of my temporary silence to speak.

"I don't want your money," he said simply.

Okay…if he didn't want me to pay him back in currency then how…

Oh.

_Oh!_

_Shit, Jasper? You want me to suck you off and let you fuck me? You're a happily married man._

Or so I thought.

"Look, I respect Alice and I don't think I could pay you back by letting you…have your way..."

Jasper's eyes went wide but then he started chuckling.

"Damn, Bella. I don't want you to have sex with me either."

"I am…confused. These are the only two ways I could pay you back."

"Like I said," Jasper started explaining. "I don't want your money. I don't want you to pay me back."

My brow furrowed. If he didn't want me to pay him back the money then how were we ever going to be on equal ground again?

_For fucks sake, Bella! You're not on even ground. Even if you paid him the money back you'd still never be equals._

"Then what?"

"I want you to look at it as an investment."

_What?_

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means your money is of no use to me. A couple of grand is what I make in a few hours, Bella."

"Well, excuse me you fucking snob. I know my money may not be earned by selling people exclusive cocktails and fancy dinners, but it's still a valid way of payment," I retorted.

Jasper smirked. "And I don't want it."

"Then what do you want?"

"Like I said. I paid that money as an investment."

"In fucking what?"

"_You."_

Before I could ask him what that meant _again _he shoved something in my hands.

A brochure.

The title read **"Welcome to the Redemption Program. A way to turn things around and find your way."**

"What the fuck is this?" I spat.

"_This_," Jasper emphasized.

"Is your _salvation…"_

* * *

**A/N**

**- The penalty for aggravated battery varies in different states. In Washington it's 2-25 years in prison, a fine leading up to 100,000 dollars and possible community service. Probation can lead up to five years. BUT Bella has not been sentenced yet. Just some side information.**

**- James is Alice's brother in this story and *just* an attorney. Not an evil villain.**

**- I didn't want a long chapter on Bella in jail. She's out on bail for now. This is to get the ball rolling. Small steps.**

**Thanks for all the support and reviews. It's really wonderful to read that people are enjoying this story. **

**If you want to know when I update: twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion - Ignore the rants ;)**

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	7. Discernment

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She does so much more than simply check my grammar. I am lucky she's my BETA!**

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**CHAPTER 6: DISCERNMENT**

"Okay, you need to fill in this form and sign the other one."

"Alice?"

"Edward, it's protocol. The community center documents everything. Just because your mom volunteers here and you're a big shot in church, doesn't mean you can get out of it," she teased.

I was at the community center, signing up to be a buddy in the Redemption Program, like I had promised my mother at dinner the night before. She had called Alice, who had then called me, practically demanding me to stop by to make it official. Alice was quite relentless when it came to getting things done. An admirable quality which certainly helped her run the community center as smoothly as she did.

"I thought there was just a simple list. It's voluntary, isn't it? Why does it all have to be so official?" I wondered.

Not only did I have to fill in a form with my personal data, I also needed to sign a privacy clause. I knew it was nothing to be complaining about but I was running late for an afternoon class and traffic was usually a problem during this time of day. I wasn't looking forward to having to maneuver my bike through downtown traffic to get to the university. It was unfair for me to complain, since clearly I had caused these time management issues myself.

It seemed to be an extreme flaw of mine, though luckily it was one God forgave me for over and over. And even Father Masen had once admitted to me to have a great flaw: his mother's homemade bread. It was bad for his cholesterol because she buttered it with some sort of thick garlic relish but he still indulged himself every week when he visited her.

My own father wasn't free of flaws that involved food either; he loved anything my mother cooked and our weekly discussions were usually accompanied by a small form of gluttony that we didn't atone for nearly enough.

Alice scraped her throat, looking at me pointedly as I continued to fill in my personal information.

"The community center gets subsidies from the city council and this program leans heavily on church support. I can't just put you on a list. Everything needs to be registered.

"The privacy clause is necessary because we're dealing with delicate problems here. We can't risk getting sued by one of the participants because we're not treating their lives and their reasons for joining with discretion."

"Fine," I muttered, feeling bad for complaining about something as trivial as filling in a few forms.

"Are you alright?"

"Sure."

It wasn't a lie. I was doing fine. So why did it feel like I was not telling the truth?

I knew the answer to that.

The complete truth was that my nights were still as restless as they'd been before I had talked to Father Masen. Until an epiphany had shown me that maybe I was meant to help the brown haired, fair skinned angel.

_She has a name now_, I chided myself.

Isabella.

_Bella._

I tried to remember what my mother had said about her. It wasn't difficult because the words were etched into my mind.

_She is such a beauty; mahogany wavy hair, eyes like chocolate, the type of pale skin women would die for – well metaphorically. She shouldn't be out on the streets, doing what she does._

The first was a physical description. One that was true in the eyes of whoever that would behold her. I couldn't allow myself to notice such trivialities but it was undeniable that I did.

There was no excuse for it, but she still appeared in my vision every time I closed my eyes.

Every time I had my eyes open and allowed my thoughts to wander.

Clearly, I needed to go to confession again.

The second assessment proved to be a challenge. My mother was right. She shouldn't be out on the streets being objectified to satisfy the…sexual needs of people. Well, mostly men probably.

But how to get her out of there?

"Edward?"

Alice was waving a hand in front of my face, trying to pull me back to our conversation. I gave her a sheepish smile in apology.

"Where did you go? Reciting bible verses in your head again?"

When Alice teased me about my faith I didn't mind it. I knew she meant no harm and wasn't spiteful. She was Catholic herself, though she didn't feel as intensely about believing as I did.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"So, where were we?" Alice smiled.

"Ah yes…I heard about Rose. It's great news, right? You're going to be an uncle!" she said happily.

"Yes, it's a blessing."

"It is. Jasper and I have been trying, but no luck so far," she admitted with a longing sigh.

I almost missed her revelation because my mind was already wandering back to Bella but then the meaning behind her words managed to break through.

She and Jasper were trying to have a baby?

The concept was wonderful, but the context all wrong. Because Alice and Jasper weren't married.

"You and Jasper want to have a baby?" I asked cautiously. I didn't want to start a lecture on how wrong it was to even consider it without being married. It didn't surprise me that Alice wasn't a virgin anymore – many Catholics had lost interest in maintaining abstinence until they were married – but to live in sin and actually have a walking-talking, tangible proof of that was beyond bold.

It was basically sacrilege.

"Yes we do. I've been ready for a while and I think Jasper is finally ready too. He used to be scared because of his past, but he is in a good place now; emotionally and spiritually. I can't think of a better way to celebrate our love and commitment."

I'd heard bits and pieces about Jasper's past; how he had struggled with a drug addiction that had almost killed him until he'd literally dumped himself on the doorstep of a rehab center. It was there he had met Alice who was volunteering there at the time. She had been his miracle and while I knew we didn't share the same faith, I knew he would never argue me on that.

It was amazing how he had seemed to recover and make the best out of his life. His choices would never be mine – he owned a bar where scantily dressed women – strippers- performed and that kind of exploitation of a woman's body seemed wrong to me.

_Is it wrong when Bella does it?_

It was. No woman should be forced to share such intimate parts of herself, even if some women believed they were doing it by choice.

Still, I knew Jasper was a fair businessman, even if I didn't agree with the kind of business he ran.

"But…you're not married," I pointed out carefully.

"Jasper says he feels we are. And that someday we'll make it official. Right now, we have enough stability to bring a child into the world."

She was beaming. Like it was the most normal thing in the world to have a child out of wedlock.

"Out of wedlock…" I voiced my thoughts.

Alice frowned. "Yes, but_in_ Whitlock," she shrugged, making a wordplay on Jasper's last name.

"You're Catholic," I tried again. Surely the rules of the church had to mean something to Alice.

"And Jasper isn't, I know. No need to put extra emphasis on it.

"You know what though, Edward," she spoke fiercely. "Jasper wants to marry me and I am certain one day we will. But right now we feel comfortable with the commitment we have and we want to celebrate it by having a baby."

"You could celebrate it first by making the commitment legal," I countered argumentatively.

"We had a commitment ceremony in a desert in Morocco two years ago."

I was baffled with what I heard. Babies, commitment ceremonies? I knew Alice interpreted her faith differently and perhaps Jasper's troubled past may have made him more unconventional about traditions but it was still a surprise. I was certainly not judging, but Alice could have chosen an easier life. Be with a man as devoted to Catholicism as she was.

Though perhaps she wasn't. She had always come off as a bit of a free spirit, thinning the boundaries of our faith.

"You do realize this is against what the church stands for, right?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "If that's what you believe. I think the Lord would want me to be happy. The church is mostly about rules, Edward. How can your faith be measured by a set of said rules? I go to mass, I pray every day. I believe in Him because He has brought me many good things. Because He brought me Jasper. Because He blessed Rosalie and Emmett with a child. Because He'll hopefully do the same for me. And I am very thankful for that.

"Don't call me faithless because Jasper – who is not Catholic - loves me and would do anything to make me happy. He would probably convert to Catholicism if I asked. I would never ask him, because it doesn't matter to me that he isn't Catholic."

"I didn't call you faithless," I pointed out as I gave her the set of completely filled in forms.

"You were implying as much," Alice muttered.

I realized it would be best to drop the subject. Alice and I had our share of discussions about religion throughout the years I had known her. While we didn't see eye to eye about many aspects of the way we expressed our faith, we did respect our differences on the matter.

"Then I apologize," I said sincerely.

Alice nodded and turned to file away the paperwork I'd handed to her.

"You know, Edward," she said as she turned back to face me. "I wonder how you will fare when everyone around you has children."

"What do you mean?"

"I know your goal is to be ordained. Which is admirable."

"It's not admirable. It's a calling."

"Don't you ever think about…?"

"About what?"

"About not being ordained. Find a nice girl, settle down. Get married, have children?"

I was stunned by her question. Not because it was an unreasonable suggestion but because it affected me more than it had ever before.

I was certain of my calling. I needed to be a priest. I was meant to spread God's love and bring people closer to Him. I could offer them solace and perspective when they'd feel lost. That was what I was meant to do.

And joining the Redemption Program as a buddy was the first step towards that.

I had never thought about an alternative, let alone the alternative that was a complete antithesis to the path I was on right now.

The strangest, most uncomfortable feeling about Alice's question was that while I had never thought of the possibility before, I realized I was thinking of it now that she had brought it up.

And it intrigued me, to say the least. The only love I knew was the love for my God and of course my family. I had never even considered adding a wife and children to that. I was certain I could love them just as much, but it was not the choice I had made a long time ago.

He had called me, had asked me to be His devoted follower. His voice and sight amongst His followers. That was the greatest love of all, to let my heart be filled with His love, trust and approval.

Surely marriage and children could never measure up to that.

I didn't have time to answer Alice with the conviction I knew and stood for because her phone rang and she picked it up to answer it, completely distracted from the dilemma she thought she had presented me with.

But it wasn't a dilemma, now was it?

"Hey sweetie!" she greeted whom I assumed to be Jasper.

"Yes, I was about to head out to meet you."

"Oh, that sounds nasty. But don't say I didn't warn you when you put on that hideous yellow shirt this morning," she teased.

It was typical Alice to point out someone's fashion choices.

"I'll bring you a clean shirt. Yes. See you soon. Love you too. Bye!"

She hung up the phone and gave me a small smile.

"I have to get going. Jasper spilled marinara sauce on his shirt. Good thing it was very ugly. Now I have a decent excuse to throw it out," she grinned.

I gave her a smile as she walked past me to head out. She paused at the door and turned to look at me.

"You never answered my question. You don't ever want to walk a different path?"

I shook my head, albeit just slightly.

"Alright, if you say so. Although a head shake is not very convincing."

She never gave me a chance to respond to that, because she was gone before I could open my mouth.

I sighed.

I really needed to go to confession _again._

* * *

"So anyway, I think it's quite hard to totally give yourself to God, you know. To trust him blindly. Never have doubts. Then I realized that's what my thesis should be about."

I was listening to Seth, one of the students in my Spiritual Discernment class. We were sitting on a picnic bench in front of the coffee house where we were spending our break between classes.

I stifled a yawn as I nodded, barely catching a word he spoke, because I was too focused on not falling asleep. Clearly black coffee wasn't doing me any favors today.

It had been another rough night after I'd gotten home from the parish. Father Masen had been out, so I'd been forced to confess to Father Banner.

It had resulted in me confessing to the simplicities of being bored with filling in the forms for the Redemption Program and the inappropriateness with which I had countered Alice's decision to have a baby out of wedlock. Father Banner was pushing 80 and could be considered a 'hardliner' when it came to the principles of the Catholic Church. He was the opposite of Father Masen who always gave perspective when it came to the word of God. Father Banner had served in parishes in Rome and London for some time and while he was respected within St. Joseph it was well known that many followers preferred Father Masen to confess to or look for solace when it came to a crisis of faith.

That's why I couldn't speak to Father Banner about Bella. He would never understand. He had nearly protested when I had confessed to my discussion with Alice about having a child out of wedlock – without mentioning her, of course – not foregoing the opportunity to lecture me on the principles of the church.

Like I didn't know them by heart.

I had decided it would be best to soon arrange another meeting with Father Masen. I would email him to set something up.

Yes, he was a man of modern technology. These days it was impossible to shun material things all together. It reminded me of the discussion at Bible group I had joined after my confession, where my father had led a debate on Modesty versus Materialism. He had outlined the pros and cons and left it to our group to discuss them and voice our opinions.

I'd tried to get my point across on how one – Materialism – shouldn't outshine the other –Modesty, though my heart hadn't been in it. My father – who knew me as quite the passionate debater – had noticed this but he'd refrained from commenting or ask me if everything was alright.

"These questions are weird, man." Seth spoke, pulling me away from my reminiscent drowsiness.

"I am sorry, what?"

"Check this. Question 1: Have you had the experience of thinking you were being led by God to do something, and it turned out _not_ to be so? What were the consequences? Looking back on it, what could/should have alerted you to this?"

I frowned at the question, really trying to comprehend it. The lack of sleep didn't make it easy.

It felt like what Alice had told me the day before was coming back for me to give it a second thought.

Most of my life I had been led by God. In the outlines of my life; the essence of my upbringing. But then also in further detail, in my own growth as a person and in the development of my faith.

He had led me to be the person I was now, a loyal, faithful follower of His word. And He would guide me to become His loyal servant, His voice to guide others.

It had all been set in stone for so long. A vocation; my calling.

Nothing was going to change that and so I had to answer the question Seth posed to me with a resounded 'no.'

God would never mislead me. Not even with Bella. If she was godsend, like Father Masen had suggested, then I was going to help her.

If I'd get the chance.

"How can we even answer this question without admitting a lapse in faith?" Seth wondered.

Seth was a nice young man. One year younger than me and also the complete opposite of who I was. It was remarkable that he studied at the School of Theology and Ministry because he had no intention of having a profession related to his religion like me. Now I wasn't trying to be pretentious but he actually wanted to become an aid worker in refugee camps in Africa.

While that was a wonderful idea, it made little sense that he was studying Theology in order to do that. He'd once told me religion and people's motivation behind their faith fascinated him and that had made Theology an interesting subject for him to study.

He did have an interesting point though about the dilemma he'd read from the project sheet for his thesis. If you admitted an assumed call from God was not a call from God at all, then how did that influence your faith?

I filed that away to discuss with Father Masen as well.

It seemed there was plenty to talk about.

* * *

"Edward, dear. It's your mother. I suppose you are in class right now, but I need a favor. I'll be at the community center tonight and I forgot a box of tupperware containers that belongs to Alice. She needs them tomorrow. Would you bring them by the center? Thank you. I love you."

I shut my phone and slid it into my pocket before securing my back-pack and grabbing my bike. I had plenty of studying to do tonight, so I might as well fulfill my mother's request straight away so I could devote the rest of the evening to working on my thesis.

I still needed a subject.

Stifling another yawn I realized I also needed more sleep.

* * *

The community center was quiet when I entered. No one was managing the reception – if that's what you could call the old brown sofa and the four orange plastic chairs surrounding a coffee table filled with flyers filling the room. I noticed some other boxes filled with clothes stuffed in a corner and assumed they were from the charity giveaway the night before.

I walked through the reception to the recreation area, hoping to find my mother there. But this room was also completely empty.

Since I was on a tight schedule with my studies and it didn't seem wise to randomly start calling for my mother or anyone else, I decided to leave the box with tupperware containers in Alice's office so she would be able to find them. I also made a mental note to call my mother later to let her know I had in fact dropped by.

Walking down the hall to Alice's office I noticed the door was closed, which was only the case when she wasn't around.

I didn't want to invade her space but I knew Alice would have no problem with me entering so I could put the box away. As I approached the office I could hear muffled voices that became louder as I got closer.

Maybe she was around after all.

I didn't want to pry but it was hard not to listen.

"Fuck you. Just fuck you!"

That sounded bad. I pushed away the urge to cover my ears, feeling like a little boy who was not supposed to hear foul words.

Words coming from the mouth of a woman.

I had heard women curse before, in bigger and smaller terms, but this sounded so violent and yet so innocent at the same time. There was hollowness to the voice that rang straight through the door, a hollowness which sounded far worse than the words uttered by this person.

Whoever it was, they were clearly lost. Maybe Alice was in there with one of the frequent visitors.

I placed the box on the ground, thinking she would find it when she was done. I contemplated waiting in the hallway to make sure things wouldn't escalate but I knew that Alice – if it was indeed her in there – could handle these people better than anyone.

As I turned to leave I heard another voice. A male voice. And while my mind instantly realized Alice wasn't the one in there with someone, it was far too focused on what the voice said to find it important.

"Bella, come on..."

_Bella?_

_She_ was in there?

_My_ Bella?

I instantly chastised myself for thinking of her as _mine_. It was wrong to see anyone as a possession and there was truly nothing romantic about it. It was just that she occupied my thoughts so often these days; it was hard not to think of her as mine a little.

_My godsend._

"Go fuck yourself!"

My Godsend had a mouth on her. Maybe that's why I hadn't recognized her voice straight away. The only time we had met she had certainly not uttered those types of words.

"We just want to help you."

Who was in there with her? And who were "we?" and what did they want to do?

I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop but knowing Bella was in there made it impossible for me to move away from the door.

"Go to hell, Jasper!"

Jasper was in there? That relieved me a little though it was a surprise. I had no idea he and Bella were acquaintances. Or perhaps friends.

"James said it could benefit you if you got some help before your court date. It might lessen your possible sentence if the judge sees you are rehabilitating yourself."

Possible sentence? Court date? And who was James?

I was getting more confused and – admittedly more curious by the second. It was disrespectful to be in such need for information and listening in to a private conversation like this one went straight to my list of confessions.

But for the moment, I was too mesmerized by the helplessness in her voice, the pain in the cuss words she shouted.

Godsend. About to be hell bound.

"James the fucking wannabe lawyer has no right to fucking lecture me. I didn't hire him and I didn't ask for your help. So fuck off!"

The door slammed open and a furious Bella stormed through, bumping straight into my chest.

I had no choice but to steady her with my arms for she would have fallen back from the intensity of the contact otherwise.

_Intense_ in more ways than the obvious one because as I grabbed her arms gently a bolt of electricity coursed through me, leaving behind a strange sensation that was not so much unpleasant as it was unfamiliar.

I had only felt something as intense once before. After the accident that had killed Jacob. When I'd received my calling. Though maybe this was more intense because the afterglow of the initial contact left behind a strange warmth that spread through me.

Bella lifted her head to look who had caught her and I noticed how her chocolate brown eyes were filled with tears. Angry tears that she started to wipe away as I held her.

I was about to release her or say something to comfort her when a defiant glare formed on her face and her tear soaked hands took mine and peeled them off her arms.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed as she bounded past me.

This had to be a sign. It was like a battering ram had slammed into me with fury and a demand for help that was so obvious and so necessary; I realized that Father Masen had been right.

It suddenly made complete sense that this woman had filled my mind for days.

Sent by God, she was now my mission.

* * *

**A/N: Spiritual discernment: calling on the Holy Spirit to lead or give direction on a matter. It is how the Spirit shows the church or its people what God wants them to do and be.**

**For the record: Edward is not going to magically fall in love with Bella. At least not consciously ;)**

**Apologies for those of you who have waited, due to some health issues writing hasn't been easy.**

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	8. Desperation

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This chapter is volatile and not in a sexy way.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She does so much more than simply check my grammar. Without her this story would only be half as good.**

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**CHAPTER 7: DESPERATION**

"Faster baby, faster."

"Come on, I am so damn close."

"Fuck shit, you suck so well."

Girl in an alley. Guy with his pants down to his ankles. Girl on her knees with guy's cock in her mouth.

Guy pleased, girl bored.

Welcome to my fucked up world.

The guy named Joe or Jack or fucking Pete finished with a few grunts, peeled off the condom filled with his spunk, zipped up his pants and tucked a twenty inside my panties.

A for effort wasn't making me a millionaire.

"Next time, I want to fuck you hard," he said as he tossed the condom into a nearby trashcan before walking away.

_Yay me_. Next time he wanted to fuck me hard. Such a lucky girl I was to have some random dipshit declare he liked my blowjobs so much he actually wanted to stick his small cock inside my pussy so he could get off again. He better come with a few more twenty dollar bills for that to happen.

So romantic.

_Djeez, Bella. Since when are you looking for romance? It's your damn job._

_Since when does it bother you a guy who just gave you a measly twenty bucks for a pretty damn fantastic blowjob wants a do-over. __Well,_ _a "do me again."_

This is what I fucking do.

So why was I not feeling it tonight?

Or rather; why _did _I feel it tonight?

Why was the light bulb in my head that I usually turned off before getting to work, still shining bright, casting an unforgiving light on my body, on what I did? On my lips that sucked cock like a pro? On my pussy that has had more dicks inside than an average porn star?

Why the fuck was I unable to flip the switch tonight?

Because of him.

_Edward Cullen._

It wasn't like I was imagining the cocks in my mouth to be his cock. _If only_. That would have made all of this easier.

If I imagined what it would be like to fuck him, treat him like a client, then I wouldn't be feeling anything special towards him. He would be like any other guy I had ever come across.

But no, I wasn't that lucky.

Instead I allowed another random dude to shove his cock down my throat, demanding me to moan as if I enjoyed tasting the musty flavor of his 'love stick' as the fucker called his penis.

I would do anything to forget, even disgust myself with the taste of this guy's cock.

No condom. So I was breaking my own rule.

I was desperate.

It didn't really matter. Not tonight, not ever. It wasn't like I would ever enjoy having man flesh in my mouth anyway.

I did, however, enjoy the feel of a crispy twenty dollar bill in my pocket, thong or in between my tits. Not that this fucker seemed like he had a lot to offer besides the roughness of his movements and the curses under his breath.

"Come on, you bitch. Make me feel good. Suck harder. Cup my balls and make me cum, you cunt."

Yeah, this dude really enjoyed calling me every skank name in the book.

"Look at me, bitch."

I really didn't want to and so I was facing a dilemma, quite literally.

If I kept my eyes open, I'd see this ugly guy's face and his profanities would sound even more profound.

But if I closed my eyes, I was confronted with a pair of jade green eyes with a puppy dog stare that screamed "give me a hug" and "why are you doing this?"

I could still feel his touch on me, his hands that had only briefly touched my arms to keep me upright.

It had been friendly but the heat that burned through my jacket and tank top had been a warning.

A fiery pits of hell type warning.

It was the only rule I remembered my mother ever setting. For herself, mind you. It wasn't like she ever gave a fuck about me.

Her rule had been a simple one.

_Don't ever let a man touch you._

Touching was prohibited. In any shape or form.

I should've listened to her, even if the words hadn't been for me. It was sad I'd allowed for the apple to fall so close to the tree, it might as well still be on a branch.

She had a point though. Letting someone fuck you was easy.

But there was something different about being touched. Touched with gentle and romantic caresses. It was personal. Emotional. Fuck, perhaps even spiritual. And I didn't do any of that.

Being a prostitute meant you displayed your body, parading it around to be sold to the highest bidder over and over. There was nothing romantic or gentle about it.

"Come on, suck harder you bitch. Do I look like I am enjoying myself?"

The son of a bitch looked like he was high on coke and ready to get really rough with me if I didn't give him what he wanted.

I tried to suck harder. I even cupped his balls and massaged them in a nice cadence to get him off sooner.

But my rhythm was off and my brain was elsewhere and the creep whose cock was in my mouth was starting to notice.

"Suck, damnit, how fucking hard can it be?"

Harder than it looks, ass face.

Except he wasn't so hard anymore. In fact he was going soft.

_Damn, Bella! Suck for fuck's sake. You need the money._

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity. I had done this for a few years now and I had never let a guy go soft before he finished. In fact, while it was definitely not something to be proud of, I did give pretty damn awesome blowjobs.

As I closed my eyes the jade surrounded me again. Strong arms shielded me and for one second I felt protected. Until those same strong arms grabbed me and pushed me down hard.

"Stupid cunt!"

Slap.

My cheek was throbbing in pain before I could even comprehend what was happening.

I was so dazed I didn't see the kick coming until his shoe connected with my hip, leaving a searing pain behind.

I winced and the pain from my cheek went straight to my hip.

"Shit!" I cried out

"Yeah, you are shit indeed," the asshole commented before giving me one final kick in the gut and walked off.

It was a good thing I was already on the ground, otherwise the pain would have made me collapse.

I tried to breathe and gain some composure to let the worst of the pain subside. But it was a lost cause.

The pain rippled through me like denial, mocking me, laughing me in the face.

It made me want to gag, but I willed myself to stop from refluxing my stomach because it would hurt too fucking much.

Who the fuck was I kidding?

I wanted to scream but there was no sound.

I wanted to cry but there were no tears.

So I simply lay there. Between pissed on carton boxes and trashcans full of vomit and shit.

So perfectly befitting.

Trash meets trash.

* * *

"Bella, what happened to you?"

Yeah, the bruise on my cheek was hard to miss.

_Asshole._

"Bella?" Angela demanded.

"Some fucker slapped me. It's no big deal," I said casually as I dropped my jacket onto a chair, trying to hide the aching as I breathed in deep, keeping my balance by holding on to the chair.

I had made it home after trying to pull myself together in that alley. It had taken me a fucking while and I still had to bite my tongue to prevent me from audibly expressing my distress.

The twenty bucks I had made went straight to the cab fare and for once I didn't give a shit about losing my well earned cash because my body would only hold for so long and there was no way I'd be able to walk to the metro.

The cab ride had been quiet. The Indian cabbie had looked me over once but remained quiet. But in that one moment the look of disdain had been visible in his eyes.

Like I fucking cared.

I walked past Angela into the bathroom, where I grabbed a washcloth. I hoped she wouldn't notice that I was trying not to limp or shuffle because that would lead to questions I was not willing to answer.

I went to the kitchen and held the cloth under a stream of cold water. Leaning on the counter relieved the pressure on my hip though I had to bite my lip and breathe in and out deeply to prevent myself from wincing.

Once it was thoroughly soaked, I squeezed it to make sure it wouldn't start leaking water and then held it to my face to ease the throbbing of the bruise.

It felt pretty damn good.

"You need an ice pack for that," Angela said and she turned to walk out of my apartment only to return a minute later with a small round package with blue goo inside.

"It's a gel pack. I keep it in the freezer. Sometimes my knees hurt after… well... you know what and it relieves the pain."

I took the slippery thing from her and held it to my cheek.

"Better?"

I shrugged. "Thanks."

"You know," Angela started, "I don't want to lecture you or point out the obvious but the one rule we always maintain is 'don't get hurt'.

"You obviously did get hurt."

"Ang…don't start."

"Don't start what? Don't start telling my best friend that she is in trouble? I can't pretend everything is fine Bella. I care about you and clearly everything is not peachy."

I rolled my eyes at her speech and stalked past her, plopping down on the couch, grunting as my limbs stretched at the motion. My stomach hurt from the kick in my gut and my hip felt like it was practically dislocated. The fact I did manage to still walk probably meant it wasn't but it sure as hell felt like it.

"Damn," I muttered at the pain.

Angela gave me a look which annoyed the shit out of me. She was not one to get all smug with me, but damn it if she wasn't giving me an "I fucking told you so"- smile now.

"I am fine, okay? Just drop whatever speech you were planning to fucking give me because I am fine!"

"Really Bella? Out of the last forty-eight hours, you spent nearly twenty-four hours in a holding cell because you pushed someone down a flight of stairs. You can't just go out there and pretend nothing had changed."

I didn't want to have this fucking conversation. Normally I could handle Angela's tendency to lecture me. But the past few days had been too long. My body was hurting too much for me to tolerate it.

"I said, don't!" I grumbled.

But Angela wouldn't back down.

"You have a bruise on your cheek. And don't think I haven't noticed you're limping. So no, Bella. It doesn't seem you're fine."

I sighed and leaned back into the worn out sofa cushions, closing my eyes to collect myself.

"What happened Bella?"

_My life is fucked up,_ I thought.

I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm to prevent me from getting more pissed with Angela.

"Just a rough customer. No biggie. Let it go."

"No biggie? Well, if that's the case, why don't you strip down and let me see how rough this customer got?"

I glared at her and struggled to sit upright. I grimaced at the pain and tried to contain the aching moans that threatened to escape my lips.

"Bella?"

Angela looked worried now.

"How bad is it?"

How bad was it? How bad could anything be compared to what the girl standing in front of me dealt with daily? The pills she had to swallow. The joint pains she got as a side effect. The prospect of walking around like a human pill-box for the rest of her life because some fucker gave her HIV.

The fact she was a good person who had so much shit thrown at her and still managed to be graceful about it, meant that I had to downplay whatever I was really feeling. I wasn't an insensitive bitch, despite being in the mood to actually bitch.

"I'll be fine."

_Liar, pants on fire._

I was not fucking fine. Not physically, not emotionally.

Angela knew that as well as I did but surprisingly she didn't press it.

"Jessica is probably going to be staying in the hospital for a while. And there is a possibility she'll be moved to a rehabilitation center after because she didn't just break her ankle, she also tore one of her ankle ligaments. It'll take time before she'll be able to walk again. The doctors said she might even walk with a limp for the rest of her life."

I supposed I were to feel something towards the bitch but all I felt was that she deserved it.

"She is in a lot of pain," Angela added.

"Guess she can pop as many pain meds as she wants then. High on morphine, lucky bitch," I muttered, envying the skank for the fact she had access to morphine to numb her pain.

"Bella, that's harsh." she paused, "Even for you."

"She's a fucking addict, Ang. It's the damn truth and you know it."

"Well, for someone who pushed her down a flight of stairs, you might not want to mention that in court."

She made a face at the word court, like she suddenly remembered that I could actually end up in jail for this shit. Truthfully, I had almost forgotten about it myself, desperate as I was to have everything go back to normal.

Whatever the fuck normalwas for me.

"I am sorry I couldn't bail you out. I have some money, but..." Angela said apologetically.

"It's fine," I interrupted. "It's not your responsibility to save my ass."

"But Jasper helped you, right?"

I snorted. "Cut the crap Ang, I know you called him."

"_You know_ what he did for me. His brother in law is a lawyer. James something," I muttered.

"He visited you, right? He took your case?" Angela asked eagerly.

"He did. Can't say I believe in his competence, but I suppose he did manage to get me out on bail, so..."

"Jasper paid your bail, didn't he?"

"Yeah, and I intend to pay him back. Although the asshole doesn't want my money. He wants me to become a real charity case."

Angela frowned. "What does that mean?"

"You remember that Redemption Program shit? The community center thing where they help lost causes like teenage moms and homeless drunks. He wanted me to join it."

"Will you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Fuck no! I'd rather pay him a butt load of money."

"Bella, it might be a good thing. A way to get out. Away from this. This life is killing you, Bella…"

"I am fine." I grumbled again, really getting fucking annoyed at Angela's words.

Mainly because I knew she was right. Life was killing me, but perhaps it was too late to save me.

And I had managed to push the feeling of being lost down for so long, I did not want it to surface now.

"If that's the case, then why are you sitting here? All beat up and lost."

"Fuck it, I am not lost."

"Bella, you were in jail. You pushed someone down the stairs. I know she provoked you, but that was definitely not the way to handle her taunting."

"You make it fucking sound as if I pushed her deliberately."

"Didn't you?"

"I am not a monster."

"But she got hurt anyway."

"I pushed her away. It was just my fucking luck I pushed her down the stairs. I didn't mean for her to get hurt. I just wanted her out of my face."

"Well, you succeeded. Mike said she is lucky to be alive."

I snorted. "Please, he's as biased as they come because she made him come daily. She was never dying, so let's not get dramatic."

"You got arrested for a reason. Maybe you need to take this more seriously."

"Well now I am out, so can we drop it?"

"Can we?" Angela said, raising one eyebrow. "You still have a pending court date. That won't magically go away. Maybe if you showed your willingness to change, it might please a judge."

"If I want to please a judge, I'll simply get on my fucking knees. No need to show my best behavior. There isn't any," I said icily.

"I am gonna take a shower," I announced before getting up and limping into the bathroom, leaving Angela standing there without the chance to say another word.

By the time I had showered and dressed Angela was gone. It made me feel fucking bad because I hadn't meant to snap at her even if she had irritated the shit out of me.

I knew she only wanted to help me. Which was typical Saint Angela behavior, but still nice all the same.

I went –well limped - to her apartment and knocked a few times.

No one opened the door.

I was about to turn back when I noticed someone watching me.

It was that dip-shit Paul.

"What the fuck do you want?" I snapped as he licked his lips looking at me.

Creeper. I looked like a fucking bum and was not wearing my usual attire.

After my shower – which had soothed my aching body a bit - I'd pulled on some sweats and a t-shirt and this ass face looked at me like I was either naked or covered in black lace.

Maybe he was high.

Skip that, it was very likely he was high, the idiot always was.

"Hey Bella," he grinned.

"Fuck off," I muttered as I made it past him.

I was never in the mood to talk to him and today was no exception.

"Wait!" he called after me.

"What?" I sighed, irritated.

"Heard what you did to Jessica."

Not this. Not another person telling me what a bad girl I was. This fucker would probably even enjoy telling me that.

"Your point?"

"Kudos. Bitch had it coming."

His words surprised me a little. Until I realized he probably didn't have the brain capacity to process what had fully happened and would have congratulated Jessica too had it been the other way around. Although I did like to believe Paul liked me a bit more than the skank.

I shrugged at Paul's odd praise.

"It was an accident."

"Still. Kudos."

"Well, thanks for finding it a fucking complimentary thing that I nearly killed her."

I waited for him to say more but when he didn't I turned and did a skip and limp routine back to my door.

Where I found Mike.

And he looked fucking pissed as I reached for the knob to hold my balance.

Mike was pissed.

And high.

Bad combination for him. It made him more stupid than he usually was.

"Bella, Bella, Bella."

At least the idiot remembered my name.

"What do you want from me?"

Mike looked at me, all glassy eyed and shit. Clearly whatever he wanted wasn't going to be pleasant.

"I am very disappointed in you."

Yawn, like that was getting to me. I was a walking disappointment.

"Well, there isn't much I can do about that."

"Actually there is," Mike said cryptically.

Double yawn. I was so tired of people playing me. Jasper and his fucking redemption shit. Edward Cullen and his perfectness. Paul the druggie. Angela my HIV infested best friend.

My world was beyond fucked up.

"Cut the crap Mike, if there is something you have to say, spill it or stop wasting my time and get away from my door."

Mike grinned sardonically. "You mean _my_ door. I own this place, Bella. And I could kick you out easily."

I eyed him carefully before speaking.

"You need my rent. Kick me out, you lose that."

"I am sure I could find another tenant."

I shrugged. "You think? Well good luck with that. Hope she fucks as good as I do. You know I always deliver. Jasper might demand a fee but I know half of that cash goes straight into your pocket. At least I don't spend that shit on drugs like Jessica."

Mike frowned at her name.

"You really did a number on her. She wants you behind bars."

"It was self defense."

"I was there. Didn't look like self defense," Mike told me.

"Of course not. You'd be on my side, if I was willing to fuck your brains out."

"I still can be," Mike said with a sly smile as he traced my arm with his finger.

His touch was repulsive but it bothered me less than when Edward had touched me.

Because with Edward I actually felt something and that was a big no-no.

"I am not going to fuck you."

"I want you to fuck whoever you can get your fine hands and pussy on." he sneered. "Jessica will be out for quite some time. And I need you to cover her rent until she is back."

I snorted and rolled my eyes, thinking the ass-hat was joking.

But he wasn't.

He was dead serious.

"You…you want me to pay the cunt's rent? That's fucking priceless given the fact she never paid it herself."

"You need to take extra shifts. If you want me on _your_ side. If you want to keep _your_ apartment. It's _your _choice Bella," he grinned before he walked away.

My choice.

Silly Mike. Nothing I ever did was a choice.

It was a necessity.

Which meant that if I didn't want to lose my apartment and end up on the streets like a random crack whore I'd have to work for my money and get back into Mike's good graces.

Well sort of. If I wanted a judge to spring me on self defense, I needed Mike in my corner.

I could do this without pretending to change my life with a religiously inspired outreach program that would make me look like a loser.

I could fight this on my own.

Like I always did.

* * *

Walking into Cowgirls all fucking nonchalant took some effort but I managed.

If Mike wanted me to work harder, earn more and double the rent to get him on my side, I had no fucking choice but to appease him.

I would have cut his balls off had it been different circumstances. But I simply didn't have much of a choice.

Unless I joined the Redemption Program.

No fucking thank you.

I looked around to find that – thankfully – Jasper wasn't around.

The place was not very crowded, but I did spot a familiar face in the far left corner of the club, close to the stage.

Laurent was sitting on one of the red velvet VIP sofas, which cost like 500 bucks a night, including champagne and some free lap dances. He was chatting up some trashy blonde, looking at her tits instead of her face.

Such a classic.

Intuition warned me to let him be and try and find a few good – but harmless - fucks to earn my keep. The last thing I needed was a repeat of earlier and have my other hipbone kicked.

But fuck me if Laurent couldn't be a potential catch. He looked like he had money and if I served him right I could be earning a little more and maybe minimize my night to one fuck instead of ten blowjobs in the alley.

It would be nice to go home with a few hundred and catch up on some rest, instead of spending it on my knees and be immobile come morning.

So I ignored my intuition and sashayed – well as much as I managed - over to his corner, stopping right in front of him.

His eyes left Blondie's rack and looked me over. Approvingly.

Another classic. Give 'em another pair of tits and ass and all men prove to have no loyal bone in their body.

I gave him a smile and did a little twirl, showing off the blood red dress with a wide skirt that danced around me as I moved. My hair was pinned back with a few loose strands framing my face. My eyes were smoky, my lips as blood red as the dress. I'd finished the look with some matching peep toe heels, which granted, did me no favors in terms of moving and I thanked my lucky stars I'd swallowed some Tylenol before getting here. It numbed the pain enough for me to do my job and not ache through every moment of it.

There was no way he'd be able to resist me.

And he didn't. He shoved Blondie aside and gave me a pearly white smile.

"We meet again," he exclaimed delightfully.

"So we do..." I smiled.

I was slightly relieved he remembered me.

Blondie glared at me as she got up and straightened her dress. She gave Laurent one more pleading look but he dismissed her.

"I prefer brunettes," he winked as she stalked off.

He patted the sofa as an invite and I sat down as gracefully as I could without expressing the pain I felt on my hipbone and ignoring my protesting stomach muscles.

"Champagne?"

I knew I shouldn't. That it wouldn't mix well with the Tylenol, but I didn't want to disappoint Laurent and so I nodded.

He poured me a glass and handed it to me.

I took a large drink and let the alcohol burn my throat.

I wasn't usually one to drink on the job – I preferred a clear head when giving head – so it didn't take me long to feel a bit light headed, which was probably half caused by the effect of the pain killers mixing with the alcohol.

Laurent seemed to notice this as he took my glass and set it down, before holding out his hand with a smile.

"Let's go and get some air."

I followed him without protesting, even though a small part of my brain warned me against it.

_Stay inside._

I should've listened, but I didn't.

_Fuck you._

The moment we reached the back alley, Laurent turned and flashed me a cool smile.

The type of smile good and proper mothers warn their daughters of.

Unless your mother had set the example of ignoring those smiles and simply do your job and let a guy fuck you senseless.

And that was exactly what Laurent wanted.

Laurent pushed me against the wall roughly and the wicked glint in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. They were cold, calculating and demanding. He made the guy who had kicked my ass earlier look like a fucking boy scout.

This was going to hurt.

A lot.

"Steady yourself against the wall," he demanded, spinning me so I was facing the wall, while he started clawing at the dress, pulling it up roughly.

I could hear him play with his zipper as the world around me started to get fuzzy.

"Laurent," I slurred.

"I am not feeling well."

"I guess I'll have to make you feel good then," he said mockingly before pressing his cock against my ass.

_NO!_

Not _that._

I never did that.

I never let myself get fucked in the ass.

Never. Ever.

"I am going to fuck you, baby.

"Hard," he promised as he slammed my face against the wall.

The pain was so numbing, I didn't even feel it at first when he pushed his cock into the small hole of my ass.

But when he pushed hard and fast, I could feel myself getting ripped and torn to pieces.

Physically.

Mentally.

I couldn't stop myself from screaming.

The pain. The humiliation.

But Laurent only seemed encouraged by that.

It made him pound harder and me scream louder.

I don't know when he realized I wasn't screaming in pleasure, but when he did – when he realized I was in pain – he didn't stop.

He grabbed the back of my head and slammed me against the wall again.

I supposed I was grateful to have the world turn to black as he fucked me in the ass in an abandoned alley.

Trash meets trash.

* * *

**A/N: It's been a while due to ear infections, the flu and whatnot. Hopefully I am back with a vengeance now ;) Chapter 8 will be posted tomorrow or the day after and chapter 9 is in the works.**

**Not much to say about this one. Bella gettting effed in the ass is as effed up as her life is. Breaking her own rules out of desperation.**

**Thanks for all the support and reviews. Thet mean alot to me :)**

**Folow me on Twitter for updates and crazy ramblings: bronzehyperion**


	9. Perspective

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She does so much more than simply check my grammar. Without her this story would only be half as good.**

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**CHAPTER 8: PERSPECTIVE**

"You went to confession?"

"Yes, I did. Father Banner heard my confession. But…"

"Yes?"

"I am not sure if I was completely honest with what I did confess to. I mean, I didn't lie. But…"

"But what?"

"I didn't confess to thinking about Bella as much as I do. I simply couldn't."

"What stopped you?"

I was sitting across from Father Masen in his office. He was waiting patiently for me to explain why I hadn't fully confessed to Father Banner the day before.

"I know it's wrong to have assumptions concerning others, especially a righteous man like Father Banner.

"And I know that the entire point of confession is to share every sin…"

"And yet you chose to withhold part of your sins. Can you explain to me why you did?" Father Masen inquired kindly." I am not judging you, but I would like to understand."

"I didn't feel like I could share everything with Father Banner," I admitted quietly.

"Well, it's no secret he is somewhat of a hardliner when it comes to his faith and I have to admit I can imagine the difficulty of having to share your sins with someone who has a slight condescending stance.

"I would however like it if you shared with me what you couldn't share with Father Banner."

I took a deep breath before meeting his request.

"I have been thinking about Bella a lot.

"And I am not sure if it's entirely appropriate," I added in a whisper.

Father Masen took my admittance in silence. He sipped from his water absentmindedly, seemingly taking some time to mull over what I had shared.

Desperate to avoid eye contact – I didn't want to read his disapproval, or _worse:_ his pity - I studied his grey hair, which was still thick even if he was at an age where hairlines tend to be thinner. Not that it mattered. Ultimately God would love us in any shape or form. But age did affect the way we looked. I idly mused on that, waiting for Father Masen to break the silence again.

"Bella," he finally spoke, letting her name roll off his tongue like he was trying to crack a mystery.

"That's her name, yes."

"Bella," he repeated, almost mesmerized but not quite. He was trying it out.

Finding it less than befitting, judging from the way he spoke her name so warily.

"Beautiful. An interesting irony," he murmured to himself.

I frowned at that. He made it sound sort of forbidden. Like someone with Bella's profession wasn't allowed to a name that translated to beautiful.

"It's short for Isabella," I offered.

"How did you learn her name?" Father Masen asked, leaving me to question his reaction to her name in silence.

He sounded curious, but cautious. Like he wasn't certain if details on the girl who consumed me so much would be helpful.

"My mother is familiar with her. She visits the community center occasionally. Or rather, a friend of her does. But my mother has seen Bella around as well."

"Does she receive help from one of the programs at the community center?"

I shook my head.

"No. Her friend donates money and volunteers on occasion and sometimes Bella accompanies her."

"Is her friend also a prostitute?"

"Yes. I believe so."

"I take it your mother is aware of her…'profession'?" he pondered, making air quotes on the word profession.

I simply nodded in response. He was firing questions at me, but it didn't feel like an interrogation. I knew Father Masen just wanted to get the whole story.

"And how does it feel to know her name?"

I rubbed my chin, thinking about what to tell him. I wanted to give him a straight answer; an answer that would express how I felt.

But how _did_ it feel? Ever since I had learned her name the word 'Bella' had been flashing in my mind. Every time I closed my eyes the word was there. Her face was there.

Knowing her name made that face occupying my mind real.

And I had felt just how real she was when I had held her in my arms.

Well, technically I hadn't really held her.

I had only tried to give her – and myself – balance because she had almost trampled over me when storming out of Alice's office at the community center.

It had been a necessary gesture; otherwise we both would have fallen to the ground. There was nothing romantic about it.

"It makes me want to help her. It's frightening to know her name though. It makes her…real," I spoke quietly.

"It makes her problems real."

Father Masen nodded empathically.

"Yes, I suppose it is quite different compared to having a face in your mind that you can mold into a certain fantasy, even if such a fantasy is perhaps a tad unwanted. For you especially, because you haven't had many interactions with women before."

I was surprised at his analysis and had to admit to myself I wasn't sure what he was getting at.

"What does that mean? I have chosen to be celibate. The whole 'interactions with women' angle is pointless because I do not interact with them in ways you might be insinuating."

Father Masen gave me a warm smile. "I wasn't implying anything. Forgive me if I made it sound like that.

"But you have to understand that this girl, _Bella,_ that she is not _just_ a first real interaction; she also plays a very intense part in this new dynamic since she is on your mind constantly.

"You can't deny the way she has changed you in such a short period.

"You have admitted to think of her very often and shied away from confessing this to Father Banner. While I understand your motivation behind it, it does illustrate how this _Bella_ is affecting you already.

"Before she came along, you wouldn't have left out sins to confess to."

"Is thinking of her really a sin then?" I felt compelled to ask.

Father Masen looked me straight in the eye. "You tell me. Does it feel like you're committing a sin by thinking of her?"

I had to be honest. "Sometimes. I already told you I had inappropriate thoughts about her, by staring at her."

Father Masen nodded, remembering. "Yes, but I believe we established that it may be a crisis of faith, or….something much more positive and perhaps necessary: a test of faith. Part of the road you need to travel to be ordained."

"Well, you did say she was godsend," I pondered. "That I met her for a reason."

Father Masen nodded. "Indeed I did."

"Maybe that's why she's been on my mind so much," I voiced aloud the assumed reason for why I'd been thinking about Bella so much, "Because if she is godsend; if she is a part of the road to become a priest then it would make sense for me to think about her."

"Perhaps Edward.

"But you have to understand that the choice to help her – while incredibly admirable – brings forth a lot of new emotions that you haven't experienced before."

"What does that mean?"

I was truly puzzled at his words.

"When I expressed she was godsend, I meant to say that she was a test. Someone for you to help."

I nodded in understanding.

"And that's what I want to do."

"Good. Just keep your emotions in check."

I shot him a puzzled look, giving him incentive to elaborate.

"Feelings are powerful. Maybe she is not just godsend for you to help her. Maybe she is a test to ignore temptation as well."

I was stunned by his words.

Bella. _A temptation?_

I wasn't completely certain she wasn't, therefore I didn't protest it.

"Have you thought of Jacob lately?"

I shook my head. I really hadn't thought of my dead friend in days. Normally he plagued my dreams and I carried the spirit of him with me. I remembered everything about the day he died. The way he had drawn his last breath.

But it seemed there was no room in my mind for him now.

"No nightmares?"

Another no. My dreams had been occupied by a certain brunette.

It wasn't romantic, but definitely new.

"That's good to hear. Now, I hate to be rude and end our conversation, but I have another appointment."

"That's alright. Thank you for your time."

"Don't ever hesitate to look for guidance, Edward. You know I am here for you."

"Thank you."

* * *

"A mission?"

"When you make it sound like some strange type of quest, it makes me look foolish."

"It does seem like you are on some strange type of quest, sweetheart."

"Perhaps I am. It doesn't make me a fool."

"Edward, what do you think?"

My mother eyed me expectantly while my father watched her with an amused expression.

I was sitting in their kitchen, at the breakfast bar my father had insisted upon being installed when my mother had decided on having the kitchen redecorated three years ago. Sitting at the bar gave a great view of the garden and my father had said it would be inspiring to drink his morning coffee while watching the garden in bloom.

"To watch God's finest creations come to life each morning is a gift that needs to be cherished," was the argument he had convinced my mother with.

I took another sip of coffee and did throw a quick glance at the garden before turning back to my mother with a sheepish smile.

I had no idea what they'd just discussed in front of me.

"I am sorry, I wasn't paying attention," I admitted.

My father grinned at my confession, while my mother rolled her eyes.

"Where is your head, dear?" She scolded me kindly by ruffling my hair.

My head? It was anywhere but here in this kitchen. I was too distracted thinking about the conversation I'd had with Father Masen, earlier in the day. He had given me plenty to think about.

He had told me to keep my emotions in check and now it was playing on repeat in my head.

I took it to mean he was worried I would get attached to Bella in ways I shouldn't. That I would be tempted by her.

Did he think she was a threat because of her profession? Because it was no temptation that she was a prostitute; in fact, it was the opposite.

I had no desire to get close to Bella the prostitute with her mouth full of curses and a body used as a plaything.

But then there was the human girl Bella. Who was broken and needed my help.

_She_ might be a temptation because I did feel the desire to help her. To resurrect the human girl in her. Break down the walls of toughness and reach out to the little girl that had gone without nurturing for so long.

The feel of her small frame in my arms still lingered. I had already gotten more close to her physically than I had to any other woman, apart from the occasional hug from my mother or Rosalie.

Of course, worrying about getting attached to Bella was pointless since I hadn't even started to help her and had no idea how to suggest it. And there was a fair chance she wouldn't accept anyone's help.

"I am sorry, I just have a lot on my mind," I offered as my mother waited for an explanation as to why I had missed most of the conversation between her and my father.

"Is it school? Universities are burying students in assignments nowadays," my mother remarked.

"My studies are fine. I just haven't slept very well lately."

"Chamomile tea before bed time does wonders, dear."

"I'll keep that in mind," I told her with a smile.

"Now, what were you two discussing? Some type of quest?"

"Your mother wants to go shopping with Rosalie to pick up some items for the baby," my father explained.

"A nursery decoration quest," he teased.

"Isn't that a bit too soon?" I wondered.

"That's what I said," my father pointed out.

"You two are men, you wouldn't understand," my mother grumbled.

"It's important to get a head start on these things."

My father chuckled at my mother's angry glare, while I remained neutral, deliberately staying out of their little discussion bubble.

"I am calling Rosalie," she announced and with that she stalked out of the kitchen.

My father had an indulgent smile on his face as he watched her go. Then he turned to me with a curious smile.

"Anything you want to share?"

"You look worried," he clarified his question. "And tired."

It was tempting to talk to my father but I worried he would take my feelings the wrong way.

_Feelings._

There it was again. That word.

I didn't have particular feelings for Bella. I had feelings about the situation she was in and whatever role I could play to help her get out.

"I have signed up for the Redemption Program as a buddy."

"Ah yes, your mother told me about that. It's a very nice thing to do, son."

I nodded.

It was not just a nice thing to do. It was the right thing to do.

"But I take it there is more..?" My father hinted. "I doubt that serving the community is leading to sleepless nights. It should be very fulfilling.

"Experiencing insomnia is very impractical, not to mention unhealthy."

"I do sleep; it's just not a very peaceful slumber."

"And why is that?" my father pushed me gently.

I hesitated to speak but decided my father might be able to give me some advice.

"There is this girl…"

My father seemed surprised at that.

I had never started a conversation with him using that sentence.

"A _girl?" _he asked, disbelief evident in his voice.

"She needs help. The Redemption Program might work for her but I don't think she is very willing."

"Is she one of your fellow students?"

I shook my head.

"Well, those who need it are often in denial about it. I am sure you can make her see how important it is though."

"I am not sure…"

"What's her background?" he wondered.

"She…uh…"

I hesitated.

"Yes?"

"She is a prostitute."

My father blinked a few times to let the words sink in.

"I see…"

The silence was biting. I knew my father had questions and probably many of them. But he didn't ask. He remained quiet and waited for me to speak instead.

When I didn't, it was my father who eventually broke the silence.

"Well, I am sure it will be a challenge then. But there are plenty of successful church programs all over the country that have helped women just like…_her._"

"Bella. Her name is Bella," I told him. "Well Isabella. But she goes by Bella."

"Son, if there is anyone who can help…_Bella_, it's you."

I could only hope my father was right.

"Would you like more coffee?" my father offered, just as my phone rang.

"Hold on, let me get this."

"Hello?"

"Edward? It's Alice. I need you to come to the community center straight away."

* * *

Walking into the community center, it surprised me how busy it was on a regular Thursday night.

Three young girls, no older than fifteen with bulging stomachs that betrayed their indiscretions, batted their eyelashes at me.

They were flirting with me.

This didn't surprise me that much. According to Emmett, girls had flirted with me before, even if I had been oblivious. But these girls were so young.

Young, helpless and pregnant.

It was a good thing the community center offered them support. Their children would at least have a chance at a somewhat normal life.

"Edward!" Alice exclaimed, pulling me from my thoughts.

She waved at me from the hallway that led to her office, beckoning me to follow her.

"Glad you could make it," she smiled as I reached her.

When Alice had called me at my parents' house - demanding me to stop by straight away - she hadn't explained why my presence was urgent and necessary.

"Let's go to my office."

Alice grabbed my arm and practically dragged me down the hall to the door that was wide open.

I was surprised to find her office wasn't empty when we entered it.

I remembered the girl with the light brown hair and the black horn-rimmed glasses who was sitting in a chair, her leg bouncing up and down nervously.

Angela.

She gave me a polite smile as she looked up. There were dark circles under her eyes and her face was beyond pale with no color at all. She looked exhausted, like she hadn't slept in days. The off-white cable knit sweater slash dress seemed to hang loosely around her.

She didn't just look exhausted. She looked like she was ill.

"I don't think you have been properly introduced," Alice smiled as she gestured towards Angela.

"Edward, this is Angela. Angela, this is Edward. Esme's son."

Angela held out her hand so I could shake it, and I did.

"Pleased to meet you," she smiled. "Your mom is really nice."

"Nice to meet you too," I offered with a smile. "And yes, nice she is."

"Well, enough of the pleasantries. We are here for a reason," Alice cut us short.

She pointed towards a chair, urging me to sit down.

"We are here to discuss Bella."

"I uh…" I started. "Why would you want me here for that? I don't know her."

Alice shook her head, refuting my reluctance.

"You saw her yesterday. Jasper told me."

"We ran into each other. Quite literally. That doesn't scream acquaintances."

"Jasper said you two shared a moment."

I rolled my eyes but the smile on Alice's face was unsettling. The way she looked at me, smug and all knowing, made me feel uncomfortable. It was like she knew something I didn't.

"I caught her as she bumped into me. There was no moment. In fact, she told me not to touch her. So I am sorry, but there was no shared moment.

So I ask you again; why am I here?"

"You are one of the buddies in the Redemption Program," Alice explained before she got straight to the point.

"And?"

"I want you to be Bella's buddy."

Easier said than done, since Bella wasn't even a part of the program.

"But Bella is not in the program," Angela pointed out, echoing my thoughts before I could give a verbal response myself.

"_Yet,"_ Alice added. "But she will be."

Angela frowned at that. "I don't think you can make her. I have tried and she was being very stubborn about it."

"Well, it won't be easy. But I am sure she'll fold and agree to sign up," Alice said confidently.

"How do you figure that?" Angela wondered.

"She could go to jail if she doesn't."

"Jail?" I asked, slightly shocked.

But before Alice could explain, I remembered the conversation between Bella and Jasper I had listened in on the day before. I vaguely remembered something about a lawyer…what was his name again…

"James," Alice answered my thoughts aloud.

But then she explained. "He is my brother. And a lawyer. Bella's lawyer."

I instantly wondered why she would need a lawyer. I'd caught bits and pieces but never had the full story.

"What happened?" I asked.

Angela answered that one.

"Bella pushed one of her neighbors down a flight of stairs," she said grimly."The girl…Jessica, she is pressing charges now."

"Edward, are you aware of Bella...and Angela's profession?" Alice asked me.

"Yes, I know," I said dryly.

"Well, James believes that is going to be a disadvantage in court," Alice explained.

"Judges have this natural aversion against women who do…what Bella does.

"No offence, Angela," Alice rushed to say before it would seem she insulted her.

Angela shrugged. "No worries."

"However, if she can prove she is cleaning up her act, she might escape jail time. James said it's very important that she can show the judge she is serious about turning a new leaf. That's why she has to join some sort of program as soon as possible," Alice continued.

It made sense on paper. If Bella joined the program, it would look good in court.

But the reality was probably far harsher. Given the way Bella had argued about this with Jasper, it was going to be very difficult to get her to sign up willingly.

Near impossible, perhaps.

Alice was about to speak again when her phone rang.

"It's Jasper," she announced, looking at the display of her phone.

"I better take this," she said before leaving her office to take the call in private.

The information that had filled the room was a lot to take in and I was relieved to have a few moments to put everything in order.

Bella had pushed someone down a flight of stairs.

It raised new questions. Was I prepared to help someone who had deliberately hurt a fellow human being?

I should be. God would forgive Bella for her sins. I should too. Especially if I wanted to help her.

"It was self defense," Angela offered, as if she could read my mind. She gave me a tentative smile as she broke the silence between us.

"Bella would never hurt anyone on purpose. She is a good person.

"She is just so darn stubborn," Angela muttered.

I nodded. "I am sure she'll be forgiven," I murmured, more to myself than Angela.

We remained silent until Alice came back into the room. When she did her face was etched with worry.

Clearly Jasper had offered some bad news.

"Alice, what is it?" I asked.

"There was a scuffle at the club. A regular customer got high on coke or something. Then, in his drug-fuelled state, he took a girl out back into the alley behind the club."

"A girl?" I asked warily.

"Yes."

"Was it a dancer or a…?" Angela asked, panic rising in her voice.

"A prostitute," I added in a whisper.

"Yes," Alice nodded sadly. "It was a prostitute. This guy did a real number on her."

"Bella?" Angela guessed.

Alice nodded.

"She's in the hospital."

* * *

**A/N: And another one. Slightly cliffy, but another update will follow soon. Hopefully no more waiting for weeks :)**

**I know the previous chapter was violent and harsh. It's part of Bella's world. The contrast between her and Edward. He relies on faith. She relies on her instincts. But if her instincts fail her...what can she do...**

**As always, thanks for all the support. :)**

**You know that "review" button...**

**It'd be great if you used it. If not, no problem either. As long as you find the story read-worthy :)**

**Twitter: bronzehyperion. **


	10. Despondency

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This chapter has its violent moments. **

**Bow down to my BETA Parama. She is part of the BoTW foundation. And a great friend too :)**

* * *

**CHAPTER 9****: DESPONDENCY**

"Strengthen the feeble hands;  
steady the knees that give way"

_Beep. Beep. Beep_.

Goddamn it. What the fuck was that sound?

And why was it pounding in my head like an auger drilling into cement?

_Can't a girl get some sleep here?_

Seconds turning into minutes turning into hours. It was driving me fucking insane. And there was no one here to stop it.

_Hello, can anyone get me one of those grotesquely sized cartoon hammers so I can beat the shit out of the thing that is so rudely awakening me?_

I waited; keeping my eyes closed but the beeping remained.

_Guess not. _

Admittedly, the passing of time was hard to register. Every time I tried to match the beeps with seconds, my brain would start to hurt after a while.

Of course that didn't mean the sound went away. The beeps bounced against the walls of my mind, echoing against the throbs of pain I felt on and off.

My head felt like it had been smashed against a wall.

_Oh. Fuck._

It had. Multiple times.

I could hear the cracking of my skill against the cool bricks. The pain that had rippled through me before it had led me into unconsciousness.

I didn't remember much after.

A whiff of something sterile caught my nose and I fought against the bile that rose up in my throat.

All too soon I realized I was trapped in one of those horrible hospital shows. It smelled sterile in here because it was sterile because I was in a fucking hospital. Lying in a hospital bed.

As I firmly kept my eyes closed, finding it too fucking overwhelming to lay here for the reasons I did, memories of the night before – assuming not more time had passed – came crashing down on me, pushing through the barriers that had initially shielded the horror.

I remembered getting into the club, determined to fuck someone with a decent sized cock and a properly filled wallet. Laurent had been there, eager to let me service him. I remembered how my body had ached from the beat up I'd received hours before and how the alcohol and the pain killers had mixed in a way that left my mind with blanks now.

There weren't enough holes in my memory though.

I remembered _him._

Laurent.

He had fucked me in the ass.

Without consent.

Without protection.

The irony of a whore being raped didn't escape me.

In that moment, when I realized I'd been raped, I wished for fucking purity.

The ability to cry long and hard for innocence lost.

But I was too jaded. I'd seen too much. I'd seen girls years younger than me being fucked in dark alleys.

I'd started out as one of them.

And so I couldn't cry. I couldn't scream.

I could only accept that this was another chapter I'd added to my fucked up life.

That was the last thought I had before sinking back into a world of oblivion.

* * *

"Bella?"

My name sounded hesitant. Laced with worry.

"Bella, can you hear me?"

The first thing I did was listen for the beeping sound again and I internally groaned at the sound when my ears found it. I fucking hated that I was unable to lift my arm and slam whatever fucking machine produced the god-awful noise.

But my arm felt too heavy; it felt like it was strapped down.

I couldn't flex my hand or clench my fist. If I tried to lift my hand I could feel something prick into my skin. It felt beyond fucking uncomfortable.

My eyelids felt heavy and I feared what I'd find once I did open my eyes.

If I kept my eyes closed, there was still a slight possibility that all of this was a dream.

A nightmare.

I'd always been pretty fucking good at repressing that stuff. A nightmare wasn't real. And whatever awaited me when I opened my eyes would definitely be real. Not something I would be able to push back.

"Bella."

The voice was more urgent now, beckoning me to open my eyes.

It took me a few seconds to realize the voice belonged to Angela.

It took me a few more to realize I had to open my eyes. I remembered how we had left each other before I'd gone to the club. I felt remorse at the idea that my friend who had enough shit to deal with on her own, was sitting here all fucking worried about me.

The fact I worried about Angela surprised me, for I hadn't expected to feel anything at all at this point.

I opened my eyes, finding my best – _my only_ – friend sitting on a worn out fugly orange sofa on the far end of the room.

She looked like shit. Her eyes were puffy and there were purplish bags underneath them, making it seem like she hadn't slept in weeks.

I looked around the room, taking in my surroundings. The walls were a nasty off white color and looked like they hadn't been painted in a long time, judging from the brown smudges in some places.

There was one window with blinds that were pulled half open. The light pouring in was grey and depressing. Perfectly fitting the despondent state of the room and my mood.

"How do you feel?" Angela asked me quietly as her fingers drummed on the edge of the sofa.

"Fine," I mumbled, my voice cracking because of the drowsiness.

"Bella," she said reproaching as she stood. "I doubt you are fine…"

"Well, you don't look so hot either," I murmured with a small smile.

This earned me a smile in return. "Well darn. Here I was hoping I was looking smoking hot. Perhaps land myself a doctor whilst playing the distressed friend in desperate need of consolation."

"Oh Ang," I grinned. "You would need to wear a fucking nurse costume for it to be the right amount of dramatic."

"Drat, I left mine at home," she grinned. "There goes my brilliant plan."

The joking back and forth didn't kill all of the tension between us but it made Angela comfortable enough to move to sit on the edge of the pristine white bed.

"So how do you really feel?" she wondered. "And don't say fine," she warned me.

I sighed deeply, trying to determine how I felt. My head fucking hurt for obvious reasons. My hip was nagging but not as bad as before. The rest of my lower body hurt like hell and if I took a deep breath I could still feel the strain of where I'd been kicked in the gut.

"Not so hot," I admitted.

"I could call a nurse. Maybe you need more pain medication. It's been a while since she came to check on you."

"No, it's okay for now. I don't like the feeling of being fucking drugged up anyway."

Angela nodded.

We remained quiet for a while, both listening to the beeping of the machine next to my bed.

I looked at it, wondering.

"Is that a heart monitor?"

Angela grimaced. "They monitored you for a while since you were unconscious."

"Oh…

"How long have I been here?" I wondered, fairly certain it had only been since last night.

Angela confirmed my belief. "You were brought in last night. Someone at Cowgirls, I think it was that guy Frank, found you in the alley next to the club when he went to throw out some trash bags."

I nodded absentmindedly, not really listening to Angela as a new wave of unwanted images filled my mind.

Laurent slamming into me from behind. His cock ripping me apart. A stream of blood dripping down my face. Feeling dizzy. Feeling numb...

I lifted the hand that didn't contain an IV needle but was attached to the machine that was responsible for the fucking beeps and poked at my forehead, feeling the softness of a fresh bandage.

"You had a gushing wound. They stitched it up when they brought you in."

I nodded again, unable to speak at the stream of information. It was a lot to take in.

"So…" Angela started.

I looked at her intently, waiting for what was to come.

"I am sorry," we both said at the same time, giggling as we finished our apologies.

"I truly am, Bella. I didn't mean to lecture you."

"And I didn't mean to be such a bitch. You know, more than usual."

We talked about trivial things for a while after that, although the air wasn't completely cleared between us.

"So what do we do now?" I muttered, breaking through the tension.

"You want me to lecture you again?" Angela offered teasingly though I sensed a worried undertone.

"No, but I know it's coming. Might as well get it over with." I said.

"Bella. All I ever did was worry. I don't want to pretend I know what's right for you. Plus, we just apologized. Let's not get into a discussion again."

"Come on, I am sure you have more to say to me," I muttered.

"Well, I suppose since I am your best friend, I am entitled to tell you like it is," she grinned.

"Which you are planning to do right now?"

"Preferably yes."

"You know, my head really hurts…" I pouted, hoping that would get me out of another lecture for the time being.

"You have a concussion. And a dislocated hip. A head wound. A fracture in one of the bones in your skull though that's supposed to heal on its own," she summarized easily.

"Oh...and there was some bleeding from uh…yeah…"

"He fucked me in the ass Ang," I said brusquely.

"I could feel it rip," I whispered, allowing the mask to falter before I took a deep breath and put my game face back on.

"Technically he raped you," Angela pointed out sadly.

"Yeah well. Technicalities don't fucking mean much, now do they?" I spat.

"Bella, I know you are hurting. You don't need to pretend with me," Angela said.

It would have been so easy to pour my heart out. Had I been a normal person with healthy emotions.

But I wasn't. So I simply took another breath and shrugged it off.

Angela noticed this and a frown appeared on her face.

"You could press charges," Angela pointed out.

"You SHOULD press charges."

Her voice was fierce, full of fight and fire. I wished for the same kind of spirit but I couldn't muster up the strength. And while Angela rambled on about what Laurent had done, I wished for her to shut the fuck up.

"Bella, really. You can't let him get away with this."

Eventually, I interrupted her.

"I fuck people for a living Ang. I don't think a judge would take me very serious if I would press charges against a guy I wanted to fuck for money minutes before he decided to fuck me in the ass against my will."

The words were harsh and painful but they sounded bland as I spoke them.

"You were under the influence. You never gave consent to him doing what he did.

"That is rape, Bella," Angela said sternly, trying to get through to me.

It was such a lost cause.

"It doesn't matter. He is long gone anyway," I sighed deeply.

"He slammed your head against the wall. That's aggravated assault," Angela pointed out.

"You need to fill in the police," she said angrily.

"Angela, please save me the legal shit and let it go," I yawned exaggeratedly hoping she would take the hint and drop it.

I was oddly relieved when she did.

"Fine. I will. _For now_," she warned me.

I didn't respond as I stifled another yawn.

"I am kind of tired. And the pain is getting damn worse. You mind getting a nurse?"

* * *

I woke up a while later, feeling groggy and disorientated. Angela had moved herself closer to my bed. She was flipping through a magazine, sitting on a chair that looked like it could collapse under her fragile weight.

"Doesn't this hospital have some fucking decent furniture?" I muttered in a whisper.

"You're awake!" Angela said brightly.

"How long was I out for?"

"A few hours. I left for a bit to freshen up at home."

I noticed how she did look a little more put together in jeans and a purple turtle neck sweater. Her light brown hair was pulled back in a casual pony tail. Her skin looked a little brighter, the purplish bag less noticeable.

"Good. You look better," I smiled slightly.

"So do you. How's the pain?"

"Better. Though I do feel groggy; doped up."

"A nurse gave you a dose of pain medication about two hours ago. I guess they work," she teased.

"What time is it?"

"Little after 8.00 PM. Technically I am not supposed to be here but I pulled some strings."

"You gave a doctor a hand job? Eat some nurse's pussy?" I teased.

Angela rolled her eyes. "Bella…."

I stuck out my tongue and realized how thirsty I was.

"I could use some water."

Angela nodded in understanding. "I'll go find a nurse and get you some water."

"Thanks."

Angela rose from her chair, the piece of shit squeaking as the weight was being lifted off it.

"How do you feel about some company?" Angela wondered as she stretched her limbs.

"You are here. If you keep your lecturing to yourself we can take one of those stupid sex tests in the magazine you were reading."

"It's People Magazine. No tests. And I wasn't referring to myself."

I gave her a blank stare, uncertain what she was getting at. I knew she was about to step out to fetch me some water and a nurse. But surely she wouldn't be gone very long. Plus, I couldn't think of anyone else keeping me company.

Not willingly anyway.

"There are a few people here to see you," Angela clarified.

_Huh?_

"Who?" I wondered anxiously.

I didn't want company.

"Jasper and Alice. Oh, and Edward was here before according to one of the nurses. I believe she called him – and I quote: 'a fine bronze haired specimen'," Angela chuckled.

_Edward_ had been here.

'Fine bronze-haired specimen wish I could fuck you to get you out of my head'– Edward.

Had been _here?_

Angela made his name sound so casual. Like he had been a friend for years. Like it was completely normal to mention his name in front of me. Like it was normal for him to come and visit.

Except it wasn't. It was abnormal.

Unreal.

"What?" I asked in shock.

"Edward. You know…Edward Cullen. The guy you have a..."

"I don't have a crush on him," I interrupted, annoyed at the fact my head wasn't banged up enough to not let myself get baited by Angela on this whole unwanted crush thing. Which it wasn't anyway. It was more an "unwanted fuck" thing.

"Hmm, your blush tells me otherwise," Angela teased in a sing song voice.

"Anyway, I will tell Alice and Jasper that you are awake."

"No, don't. I don't want to see them."

"Bella..."

"Look, Ang. I know I owe them stuff for the lawyer and bailing me out and shit. And I will repay them. But I won't join that cult program."

Angela gave me a pointed look.

"Do you really think you have much to say about that, after you just got beaten up and raped and refuse to handle it?"

"Didn't you say you'd fucking let that go?" I grumbled.

"I did. But having thought about it for a couple of hours I have decided I simply can't."

"I want you to join the Redemption Program," she demanded point blank.

"Fuck you, Angela. I don't want to talk about it. And I don't want company. So forget the fucking nurse and water and just go home.

"And take those fuckers outside with you."

"You need to get out, Bella. Before you end up dead," she said, ignoring my dismissal.

"Are we really going to talk about this now?" I muttered. "Can't you just stick with getting me some water and send Alice and Jasper home?"

"I will get some water and alert a nurse. But I won't send Jasper and Alice away. They are waiting and I am sending them in," she warned me before walking out the room.

I lay back, sinking into the shitty hospital pillows, opting to page a nurse myself to prevent from my unwanted company to enter the room.

I would kick their asses myself but that would probably be rude. Not to mention, my hip still hurt like hell even if I was sedated.

I closed my eyes for a minute and when I re-opened them Alice Brandon was there, standing at the foot of the bed, hands on her hips like she fucking owned me, looking at me with narrowed eyes, raising her chin so high it made her seem arrogant and stuck up.

Fuck her. I grasped the pillow underneath me, ready to pull it out and throw it at her if she overstepped my fucking boundaries.

She was certainly fast underway doing just that.

"You are the most stubborn stupid girl I have ever met Bella," she spoke fiercely, not even granting me a "hello" or "how are you?"

Now, I liked people who didn't pretend to be polite and beat around the bush. So I simply stared at her, biting my tongue for the moment, grabbing the pillow tighter to channel some frustration.

The pixie was being plain rude. She was lucky I was still drugged up; otherwise I probably would have verbally slapped her silly. Maybe physically too.

But I was sedated – thank fuck – and she was sort of right even if I'd never admit it.

"Alice," Jasper warned. "Bella doesn't need this right now."

_No fucking shit, Jasper._

Alice turned around and while I couldn't see her face I was certain that she was giving him a hell of a bitch stare.

"Now is a perfect time. She is bound to that bed, so she can't walk away," the pixie said and she turned back to me, wearing a smug smile.

I rolled my eyes at her before looking away. I felt like I was going to explode with anger if I had to see her condescending "know it all" face for one more second.

Maybe I had enough strength to smack her silly with this pillow.

_Great idea, Bella. You're still stuck to the IV drip._

I groaned at the idea of actually being bound and forced to listen to this shit.

At least the fucking beeps were gone.

"Bella, how do you feel?" Jasper asked gently, stepping forward to put a hand on Alice's shoulder.

"Just dandy," I muttered.

"You look like hell," Alice muttered, not holding back.

Jasper looked apologetic. Alice not so much.

"Yeah, getting fucked in the ass unwillingly kind of does that to a person," I shot back icily.

Jasper frowned at my harsh words, while Alice's eyes went wide, her big mouth shaping into a little "O"

Her shoulders slumped and I could see her pixie bitch demeanor vanish.

"Bella," she spoke softly.

"I already received a fucking speech from Angela. Since she is my best friend, I allow it. You two are barely acquaintances, so I suggest you swallow whatever fucking speech you had prepared, wish me a speedy recovery and get the fuck out," I growled.

"I am sorry. It's just…seeing you like this…it is heartbreaking," Alice admitted, sadness evident in her voice.

"Boo hoo," I muttered.

"Bella," Jasper intervened. "I know we are probably the last people you want to see right now…"

I interrupted him before he could say another word. "You've got that fucking right."

"Look, I am so sorry you are in here," Jasper said sincerely. "If I catch this son of a bitch in the club again, I will fuck him up and drop him off at the police station myself."

I had no doubt he meant it. I also knew it made no difference. What had happened with Laurent was just another event in a series of fucking unfortunate ones. It sucked, it hurt but there was nothing to be done about it.

"Don't fucking waste your time."

"Bella, he wronged you," Jasper tried. "He deserves to be punished."

"I am a fucking whore. What he did to 'wrong me'," I air-quoted, "was initiated by me. A cop will fucking laugh in your face if you haul Laurent in all battered and broken. You'll probably get slapped with an assault charge." I nearly yelled, clutching my hip as it started to throb.

Not to mention how my head was about to explode.

"Besides," I added, lowering my voice to almost a whisper. "I am already part of one lawsuit. I don't want to be a fucking part of another."

"Bella," Alice said soothingly. "I think it would be a good idea if I called James. If he visited you. What happened to you last night might possibly work…in your favor."

Her voice faltered on the last part of the sentence, as if it pained her to say the words.

I wanted to scream at their naivety. Getting raped was something I could use to my advantage? In what fucked up warped world were they living?

"Oh sure," I spat. "First I look like shit because I got fucked in the ass and now I should use it to my advantage. Well thank fuck that your beau here let a douchy perv like Laurent in his club because without him I wouldn't have been able to use something like getting fucked without consent in a court case…"

"Bella, calm down. Alice was just suggesting that James could help you."

"Fuck you, fuck you both! Just let me know how much fucking money you spent on me and I'll pay it back. With that we're even and you stay the fuck away from me! Now…get the fuck out..!" I hissed tiredly as I pulled up the blankets over my head, secluding myself from Alice and Jasper's presence.

I lay there for a minute, trying to control my breathing until I heard the shuffling of shoes against the grey linoleum. Pissed off as I was, I tore the blankets away and raised myself up, yelling.

"I said; get the fuck out!"

I threw my pillow in the direction of the door when I realized my unwanted guests hadn't come back.

In the opening stood a tall fine bronze-haired specimen. Obviously startled by my harsh words.

_Edward._

* * *

Edward remained near the door, still staring at me.

I simply stared back.

And for minutes that's what we did. He stood there in the door opening; I remained in an awkward position without a pillow.

There was nothing romantic or lustful about it. It was almost cathartic. I could see the worry in his eyes. It wasn't pity like I'd seen with Jasper and Alice. It wasn't desperate like how Angela tried to reason with me.

For the moment it just _was._

Edward's expression eventually changed and his eyes softened. He picked up the pillow I had thrown at him and walked towards the bed.

Instead of helping me get comfortable by fluffing up the pillow behind my back, he handed me the cotton thing so I could do it myself.

I was slightly taken aback by that, until I realized it made perfect sense for him to act so platonic.

He barely knew me.

"Hello Bella," Edward spoke softly as he took a step back to sit on the chair that Angela had occupied earlier.

A smile ghosted on his lips.

"Hey," I said, unsure of what else to say.

Edward watched me as I fidgeted with the sheet, crumpling it in my good hand, the one that wasn't currently used as a pin cushion for the IV drip that was providing the delightful buzz of sedatives dripping into my veins. I wasn't looking at him; the fabric was suddenly very interesting.

I could feel his eyes on me though.

"You do prefer Bella right?" he asked suddenly, his voice forcing me to look up.

It was only the confusion at his question that kept me from getting fucking distracted by his piercing jade eyes.

"Huh?" I wondered so very inarticulately.

He smiled at my confusion.

"Your name is Isabella. Do you prefer that or Bella?"

"Oh. I…uh…Bella is fine."

He gave me another smile and it was very tempting to return the friendliness. To lick the corners of his mouth and taste the sweet redness of his full lips.

Tempting but foolish.

And fucking surreal because it probably were the sedatives affecting me.

So I didn't give him more than lifting up one of the corners of my mouth, which probably made me look like I'd had a stroke instead of actually trying to smile.

"I've never been welcomed into a room with someone throwing a pillow at me," Edward teased, clearly trying to break through the awkwardness.

That earned him a genuine smile. "Sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"It's alright. No harm, no foul," he said. "So, how do you feel?"

"I am okay," I mumbled.

"You must feel tired. Are you in pain?"

I held up my hand in response, displaying the IV.

"Painkillers."

Edward nodded. "Good."

I thought of what to say next and waited for him to come up with more trivial questions in the meantime. But Edward was silently observing me intently. Like he had just come across some fucking endangered species or something.

After a minute or two it started to annoy me.

It was fucking creepy, the way Edward kept looking at me in wonder. I wasn't sure if his staring was a good or a bad thing.

The silence in the air was thick and deafening. It was ironic because I had always assumed there would be the same feeling of lust between us. The lust I had felt every time Edward had popped into my head since I had first met him.

But reality couldn't be further from my imagination.

The silence was awkward, uncomfortable.

And how could it fucking not be?

We were opposites, him and me.

He was good. Pure. Everything I wasn't. I was tainted. Corrupted.

Thinking of how we were far ends of entirely different spectrums annoyed me and suddenly I wanted him out of this room. Suddenly the worry I had seen in his eyes before matched the looks Alice, Jasper and Angela had given me.

It was calculated.

It fucking angered me because I didn't need his pity or whatever fuck the reason was he decided to play Good Samaritan and visit.

"Why are you here?" I demanded, my sudden angry tone catching Edward off guard.

"I...Alice…I…I was here before," he stuttered, clearly taken aback by my unexpected anger.

"Before when?"

"When you were sleeping. A nurse allowed me to go in after I told her I was a friend."

I frowned at his words for they made no fucking sense. Edward and I were definitely not friends.

"So you lied?" I muttered. "Aren't religious people supposed to tell the truth like all the fucking time?"

Edward shook his head. "I would like to be your friend. So it wasn't a lie.

"Not really," he whispered, momentarily lost in thought. "Though perhaps I got ahead of myself."

The strangest expression came over him as he spoke, making me wonder what he could possibly be thinking.

That frustrated me so much that my next words were more biting than I had intended them to be.

"Will you go to hell for that?" I asked, sarcasm dripping from my voice. "For lying as a Catholic?"

If I had offended Edward with my insults he surely was too kind to let it show.

He simply offered me a small smile.

"You are so angry," he murmured to himself, clearly seeing through my angry façade.

"Why is that?" he mused.

I snorted at his innocence for he sounded like a child in wonder. A boy who had never touched a pair of tits. A boy who had never fingered a cunt. He probably never masturbated himself. Silly religious freaks. Either they fucked like rabbits in Kumbaya cults or practiced abstinence. No middle way.

"Why have you never had sex?" I countered, getting rewarded with a delicious blush.

Edward scraped his throat, swallowing away whatever uncomfortable feeling I had bestowed upon him. I had no idea of knowing if he was still a virgin but giving his religious background, it made sense he was probably going to marry before he'd fuck someone.

Such a shame. Such a fucking waste.

"It's a choice," he said, more firm than I had expected. Confirming what I already knew. Edward was a virgin.

"Being angry is a choice too," I told him.

Now it was Edward's turn to snort. "That's a feeling. The choice would be between angry and not to be angry."

I rolled my eyes at his justified logic. "Whatever."

"Look Bella," Edward spoke, completely earnest and genuine, "I can't imagine what you go through every day. I can't imagine why you live your life the way you do…but I do want the chance to be your friend. I know Alice and Jasper want you in the Redemption Program."

"Yeah, and I told them to shove their idea…"

Edward interrupted me before I could finish and tell him about the place the sun couldn't reach.

The place I got unwillingly fucked in.

I grimaced at the sinister route my thoughts were going but Edward's interruption pulled me back before I could reach the darkness.

"I am a buddy in the program," Edward said.

"_Your _buddy to be exact."

* * *

**A/N: **

**- Isaiah 35:3: "Strengthen the feeble hands; steady the knees that give way"**

**- Bella is currently afloat on a river called Denial. It's part of how she shaped herself and protects herself from the pain she carries deep inside. She has plenty of demons to face. **

**- I know many people like Priestward/Pureward the way he is. I do too. But he needs to lose some of his innocence to grow as a person. I won't make him lose the essence of who he is though.**

**- This story has just begun. I have no idea how many chapters it'll be. **

**- As always, thanks for al the support and reviews. They are wonderful!**

**- Follow me on Twitter if you want to know when I update: bronzehyperion**

**Have a good week!**


	11. Six Nights and the Seventh Day

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**I own Priestward and PottyMouthBella. **

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She does so much more than simply check my grammar. Without her this story would only be half as good.**

_**NOTE:** In the last chapter, Bella comments on Edward's priesthood. But…she doesn't know._

_In chapter 4 Bella asks Angela about Edward working at the community center and Angela says he is a student, leaving Bella to assume Emmett (the other son) is the one who wants to be ordained as a priest. So…go back and re-read the edit. Since Bella has been around the community center and believes half of the Cullen family is "dabbling in Holy water" it's a little bit of creative freedom on my part to have her tease Edward about his religion (as opposed to becoming a priest since she doesn't know – Thanks RobsBeanie for pointing it out) given what she knows about his family. Plus, he proves her right anyway ;)_

_To be clear: Bella does not know about Edward wanting to become a priest. My bad, I apologize._

* * *

**CHAPTER 10: SIX NIGHTS AND THE SEVENTH DAY**

_And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made_

_(Genesis 2:3)_

The first night I visited Isabella in the hospital she threw a pillow at me by accident, for she had meant to throw it at someone else.

Nonetheless it had been the prelude to the way she had treated me since that night.

The night I had told her I wanted to be her friend.

The night I had tried to convince her to enter the Redemption Program.

_Tried,_ because Bella's response had been less than encouraging.

Had she not been sedated she probably would have thrown a lot worse at me than the one pillow.

"_Fuck you. *Fuck* you!"_

That had been the one thing she had consistently thrown at me.

Curse words.

I had tried to soothe her, but that had only upset her more.

More "fuck yous" had been directed at me before a nurse had come in and advised me to leave.

The second night I went to visit her I was received with even less welcoming than the night before. I'd been lucky Angela was there to take some of the brunt for Bella was being unreasonable and very vocal about it.

"Get the fuck out!"

Angela had tried to calm her down, which had worked to some extent because she didn't yell anymore after I'd taken a seat on the worn out sofa at the end of the room.

Angela had engaged me in some small talk, while Bella had huffed and puffed to make her displeasure known.

The more I saw of her, the more I had a good chance to observe her. There were parts of her that had to be beyond broken. Parts she hid very well and only showed on the surface when she spouted her anger.

I supposed her…_profession_ made it necessary to have a tough exterior. To pretend to feel nothing. To hide all the emotions she could possibly feel when men paid her only to claim her. Possess her, even if it was for a few moments.

Underneath the toughness, behind the high wall Bella had built around a core of vulnerability, there was something childlike about her. A certain innocence in the way she demanded attention with her cursing and vocalizing presence.

If there was a way to break down the walls; a way to get in touch with Bella's emotions, then maybe there was a way to help her.

* * *

"Hey, Edward."

It was my third night of visiting Bella and I ran into Angela outside Bella's hospital room.

"Angela, hi!" I smiled.

"How's the patient tonight?" I asked warily, hoping Bella was in a better mood than the previous nights.

"She's very tired. I am not sure if she wants to see anyone," Angela warned me. "Don't take it personal if she starts yelling again. That's how she gets sometimes."

"Thanks," I said.

"It's a very nice thing you are doing, Edward, visiting her." Angela said. "But Bella has difficulties with people being nice. It takes her out of her comfort zone."

I nodded. "I have noticed that."

Angela chuckled. "I heard she threw a pillow at you a few nights ago."

"And I keep coming back for more," I said, flashing Angela a small smile.

"Good luck," she offered me with a smile before she walked away.

I found Bella flipping through a magazine, barely registering its content as she scanned the pictures quickly before moving on to the next page.

"Good evening Bella," I said pleasantly.

She didn't look up.

"How do you feel?" I tried with a smile.

She didn't say a word.

I moved closer and sat down in the chair next to her bed. I noticed the IV was gone.

"No more IV?"

She continued to flip through the magazine without looking at me.

It was very obvious she was ignoring me.

I took a deep breath and fired another question at her.

"What are you reading?"

Instead of answering me, Bella tossed the magazine aside and turned on her side, facing away from me. She winced as the movement grazed her hip against the mattress.

A small curse expressing her discomfort escaped her lips.

"Fuck."

The small but odd cry of pain was enough to alarm me and I got up instantly, moving to the other side of the bed, searching Bella's eyes to see if she was alright.

The moment our eyes met – hers furious and mocking but laced with pain; mine worried and searching – I realized I had never felt actual immediate worry for anyone I barely knew.

I cared for other people's wellbeing because every human life was precious. I loved my parents and brother. I adored Rosalie; she was the sister I never had. I liked Alice and Jasper and wished them the best. Father Masen was like a mentor and I deeply respected him.

If anything would ever happen to any of these people I'd be alarmed. I would care, albeit in gradations.

Bella was not a part of this group and yet her cries of pain tugged at my heart and made me wish for the ability to take her ache away. It was an unnerving realization to find that she could affect me this way.

Our gazes held for one more second until Bella looked away, closing her eyes as she breathed deeply against the pain.

"Are you still on pain medication? Do you want me to get a nurse?"

Silence.

"Bella, please," I nearly begged. "You've got to give me something. Anything.

"I don't want you to be in pain."

She sighed and opened her eyes. The irritation was gone and replaced by visible exhaustion.

"Why the fuck do you keep coming here Edward?" she wondered angrily."I don't get it."

"I told you I wanted to be your friend," I reminded her as I adjusted the pillows that provided stability for her back and neck.

Bella huffed at that. "Please. You only want to fucking lecture me and try and get me to join this fucking cult you've been trying to force upon me."

I frowned at her curses and her assumption that the Redemption Program was a cult. It was a narrow-minded thing to believe. It seemed to fit Bella's personality and stubbornness though. Like Angela had said, Bella didn't respond well to kindness. She didn't allow herself to trust anyone or let anyone in.

"The Redemption Program is not a cult," I said firmly. "It's a respectable and qualified program to help people get their life in order.

"I want to help you." I whispered, leaning in close enough to feel her breath on my face.

Realizing how close I was and how strange that made me feel, I moved back to the foot of the bed.

Bella snorted. "Oh, now it all makes fucking sense.

"_You _want to help me…

"Well, here's the deal, Edward….

"…I don't need fucking help.

"So just fucking leave."

* * *

The fourth night wasn't much better. It seemed I was a glutton for punishment with the way I kept going back despite knowing Bella would curse at me, demand me to leave or simply ignore my presence.

I was surprised to find her sitting upright against the pillows for support, a smile on her face as she was laughing with Angela.

Unfortunately, the smile disappeared the moment she noticed me standing in the doorway.

"Edward!" Angela greeted me enthusiastically.

"Hello Angela," I smiled at her.

I gave Bella a small nod, to which she scowled, pursing her lips in a hard and disapproving line.

"You look better, Bella." I smiled.

Bella rolled her eyes but remained silent.

Angela gave me a helpless look. She seemed to feel very uncomfortable.

Throwing me a bone, she started chatting, probably hoping to break through the awkwardness.

"How about that weather, huh? I can't remember it ever being so cold in Seattle this time of year," Angela said."It's not even October."

I nodded, ignoring a snort coming from Bella. "Yes, for late-September it is quite cold. I think the temperature has even been below zero for a few nights. Not the type of weather to spend time outside…on the streets," I said pointedly, which earned me a deadly glare from Bella, while Angela looked very embarrassed.

"I…uh…I am going to get some coffee," she announced before she walked out of the room, leaving Bella and I in an tension filled aura of her anger and my guilt.

I wanted to say something, but Bella's murderous look prompted me to follow Angela out.

I found Angela a little farther down the hall, leaning against the wall next to an old and worn out coffee machine.

She was fumbling with money and when she dropped a few coins and picked them up in extreme frustration, I came to the rescue by putting some quarters in the slot and asking her what she wanted.

"What would you like?"

Angela smiled and pointed at the hot chocolate.

"That one, please."

A cup fell into a holder, filling itself automatically with rich brown liquid. When the cup was full I handed it to Angela.

"Here you go," I said.

"Thanks," she replied kindly.

I chose a black coffee for myself and suggested to Angela that we sit down in a pair of orange formica chairs next to the machine.

"I am sorry," I said in earnest as we sat down. "For what I said in there."

Angela gave me a sad smile. "Don't worry about it. You didn't say anything weird."

"I didn't mean to imply I know what it is like."

"Look, Edward. I'm sure it's no secret to you Bella and I have a very unconventional…_career._

…but it is what we do," she added with a sigh.

"It doesn't have to be that way," I said with conviction.

Angela let out something between a snort and a sob. "No offence, Edward but you can't even begin to comprehend what our lives are like."

"I know," I admitted quietly. "I know I have no idea.

"But don't you ever wish for things to be different?" I countered.

Angela really snorted now."Of course I do. That's why I wish Bella would realize she has a chance to get out."

"And you?" I wondered. "Don't you deserve the same chance?"

"Perhaps I do. But Bella needs it more."

"Why?"

"She is on a path of self-destruction. Like complete atomic bomb self-destruction. It's just a matter of time until she ends up as the clichéd murdered or overdosed hooker."

I tried to grasp Angela's words. Really grasp them and let them sink in. Was Bella really doing that poorly?

While I believed Bella to be stronger and more put together than that I had no idea how much of her bravado was an act.

"Bella doesn't seem the type to harm herself. Not deliberately anyway."

Angela rolled her eyes, clearly indicating I was wrong in my assumption. "Do you know how she ended up here?"

I shook my head. "I know there was some sort of scuffle at Jasper's club. Bella got hurt because a customer didn't behave."

It sounded like a question because Jasper and Alice had been vague when explaining how Bella had ended up in the hospital.

Angela laughed bitterly. "Hmm, a non-behaving customer - I suppose that's the PG rated version of what happened."

"PG rated?" I wondered in surprise. "So what's the R rated version then?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

I nodded, encouraging Angela to tell me.

Angela took a deep breath and fumbled with her hands.

"Please forgive me my crudeness, but there is no other way to say this."

"Say what?"

"Bella got fucked in the ass. Her attacker…he was a client. He wanted it rough and got his way, he…penetrated her from behind," Angela explained.

While I obviously had no sexual experience, I still knew what Angela's words meant and it was difficult to shake the images her words put in my head.

Bile rose up in my throat as I tried to shake the brutal vision of Bella being sexually assaulted. The idea she had willingly let someone do that to her.

"She…allowed that?" was all I could ask.

Angela shook her head. "No. While she was half out of it when it happened because she was high on pain medication she'd been mixing with alcohol…

… she definitely did not give consent."

I knew what that meant.

"She was raped."

* * *

On the fifth night, I entered Bella's room with determination. She could ignore me, throw random curse words at me or yell, I would not budge.

After what Angela had told me the night before, I had every intention to convince Bella to join the Redemption Program.

I entered her room, fully expecting a rebuff the way she usually did whenever I entered. I braced myself against pillows and glaring, against ignoring and yelling.

But I was met with silence.

Peace.

Quiet.

Bella was asleep.

I sat down on the sofa at the far end of the room.

Her face was beautiful without the mask of anger she wore when I was around. Her breathing filled the room with life and tranquility. The equal intakes of air were soothing. Proof that this girl was a living and breathing child of God, who just needed to see the light and accept the help that had been offered to her.

I could be that light.

If she was godsend for me; a test to see how deep my faith was and a trial to see if my compassion and light could guide those in desperate need of getting reacquainted with God – then I had to be godsend for her as well.

Looking at her as she slept, I found she was quite beautiful. I was no fool, I knew quite well society graded and objectified humans in terms of their physical appearance. I'd always tried to be objective about such trivialities, striving to find beauty inside people's souls, even if that was cheesy and presumptuous, as Emmett had once told me.

But Bella's beauty was inescapable. Without the painted on beauty of layers of make-up, the mask she hid behind as she invited men in between her thighs or pleasured them with her mouth – her face was ivory and porcelain. Her lips were a slight reddish pink and her hair was chocolate and auburn as the artificial light of the room made her locks glisten.

I shouldn't be focusing on such intimate details. I shouldn't be shallow and admit that her beauty was mesmerizing. That I could get lost in her eyes if I had the chance to stare into them for a while.

The truth was that I wasn't that guy. I wasn't the guy who could fall for her. I didn't have the capacity to fall for her. Her beauty, as striking as it was, didn't captivate me in the way it would a man who would want to give his heart to her. It wasn't supposed to be that way for me.

I had one purpose and one alone. Serve God to the best of my ability. It was His light that had me captivated. It was the beauty of His creations that took my breath away.

But then, wasn't Bella one of his creations too?

I pondered these questions as I watched her. Tonight could not be the night I'd push the issue of joining the Redemption Program because her slumber was too peaceful and too necessary to speed up the healing process to disturb.

I rose from my spot on the sofa, gave Bella one last glance before I turned to leave.

I made it as far as the door when her voice sounded from the bed.

"Edward…" she sighed.

There was no anger, no shouting. No curse words or demands for me to leave.

I turned and found Bella's eyes unopened.

Maybe I had imagined it.

"Edward…"

_She must be dreaming_, I thought to myself.

"Edward…stay_._"

A foreign feeling built inside me as I listened to Bella's mumbled pleas.

I couldn't find a name for it because it was something I had never felt before.

To hear her voice so gentle, the whisper of my name soft like a caress on her lips, it shifted something within me.

Up until that moment, I had wanted to be Bella's friend. Her godsend. I wanted to save her the way I had failed to save Jacob. I wanted to be worthy of His call.

Since that fateful day – the day I had lost my best friend and decided to devote my entire life to being His most loyal follower - I had tried to be a worthy son and brother, a good student and friend to the ones I was allowed to call the same.

I had turned from a boy who was taking wobbly steps towards an uncertain future to a man who was determined to become a priest and saw the future in all its clarity.

For the last ten years I had been the same Edward. The Edward who followed a straight path to his ultimate goal of serving God completely and unconditionally.

A man who had everything planned out. I would finish my studies and then go to Bishop White Seminary in Spokane to prepare for being ordained as a priest.

But now, as I looked at the fallen angel wrapped in the pristine and pure white sheets; a girl broken inside and out, I knew that I'd been terribly naïve.

Life wasn't black and white. Life couldn't be measured into perfect little squares that had been formed by rules made by church and men.

Matthew 16:26 popped into my head as I thought of what life should mean to me: _"What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?"_

Had I gone about my faith the wrong way? Had my faith pushed me to create perfectly shaped, properly measured little squares that fit together into the puzzle that was the life I had believed to be right for me?

Had I lived by standards that would get me to my goal, namely becoming a priest, without fully acknowledging and absorbing the path and its road-bumps that would take me there?

Had I been forfeiting my soul?

I knew the verse meant something different than what it meant to me in that moment. But my father had always taught me that the Bible contained wisdom that could be interpreted in many ways as long as we didn't use the verses to excuse behavior or twist it to use it for selfish benefits.

I moved closer to Bella and once I was close enough, I moved the chair next to the bed and sat down.

As I lowered my head, made the sign of the Cross and then folded my hands, I silently prayed.

_My Lord, my shepherd…I would never ask for anything but your light for me to bask in and your compassion in times I need mending. I'd never be selfish enough to ask you to save Bella. I am certain you have a plan for her and I would never want to question it. _

I took a deep breath and unfolded my hands to take one of Bella's into mine before folding them back together. Touching her skin so intimately caused a spark to pulse through my arm. It felt like an electric shock that zapped me, pushing its way through my veins, straight to my heart.

The feeling was overwhelming but not uncomfortable. It felt like warmth and hope. Strength and faith. I believed the undeniable connection was God's way of telling me he was listening to my prayer.

_Please, my God, please. I know it's selfish to beg for anything. To demand for Bella to come to her senses and turn her life around. I don't want to disappoint you or forsake my faith._

_But I need to know how to be her friend. How to help her. My attempts have been fruitless. I anger her and I fear that she'll self-destruct if she doesn't turn her life around._

_Give me faith my Lord. Let me be strong and fulfill my destiny. Let me be strong and carry Bella's burdens for her; let me be her shoulder. _

_Let me be strong enough to save her._

_Like I didn't save Jacob._

I made another small sign of the Cross whilst naming the Trinity once more before I opened my eyes.

_Amen, _sounded in my head.

My eyes were met by deep brown pools that stared at me intently.

"What are you doing?" Bella whispered, her voice hoarse with sleep.

"I was praying," I said sheepishly.

"Oh…"

Bella stared at my hand which was still covering hers. She looked bewildered.

Uncertain.

Vulnerable.

Scared.

"Why?" she whispered, still staring at our hands.

"Because I needed strength."

Bella stared up, her eyes meeting mine. The vulnerability I'd seen for a moment was replaced by the bravado she liked to hide behind.

"Why the fuck are you holding my hand?" she said icily.

I let go of her hand before she could pull away, murmuring a quiet apology.

"You're a stalker," Bella muttered. "I told you to stay away a billion fucking times and you simply don't fucking listen."

"I can't stay away."

My voice sounded very loud in the silence of the room.

"Why?" Bella asked again. "You don't even know me."

"I know," I acknowledged.

"But I'd like to get to know you. Be a friend. _Help you_." I said sincerely.

Bella eyed me carefully and then she sighed.

"I am sure you mean well in your own warped mind. You are kind of like Angela. Always loyal and so fucking nice."

And Bella had a problem with nice people, as Angela had said.

"Angela seems to be a great friend."

Bella nodded. "She is.

"A much better friend to me than I am to her."

"I don't believe that."

"No, it's fucking true. The thing is: Angela is sick, like really fucking sick. She has HIV and takes a butt load of pills every day to function. I think that's why she does this…_stuff_, because she has huge medical expenses."

I was shocked by the revelation. Dumbfounded.

"I didn't know," I mumbled like an idiot. I'd noticed how Angela always looked tired and strained. Never could I have guessed that she was so ill.

"Duh," Bella snorted. "Of course you didn't know. How the fuck could you have known?

"Anyway, my point was…she is sick and yet she treats people fair. She could blame the fucking world for it but she doesn't. She makes the most out of what she's got and the shit she's been given to deal with. She never blames others. She is completely selfless."

"I see," I said. I had to agree with that statement based on what I had seen of Angela in the past few days. No matter how tired she had looked or felt, she had been there for Bella 100%, never missing a visit, always trying to make Bella feel better.

"Angela is like a fucking saint. A saint who is forced to live the same fucked up life I do."

"I am sorry if I offended either of you with my comment about spending time on the streets the other day. I apologized to Angela."

Bella nodded. "Yeah, she told me."

I noticed the shift in our rapport. It was kinder, more familiar. At least Bella wasn't shouting at me.

She was opening up a little. And maybe it was just for a moment but I still seized the opportunity to try and really talk to her.

"Can I ask you something?" I started carefully.

Bella shrugged passively. "If I tell you no you'll just bug me until I say yes."

"Why are you so against joining the Redemption Program?"

Bella rolled her eyes, disapproval evident on her face.

"I told you…it's a fucking cult."

I shook my head. "And I told you…it isn't."

"Of course you'd fucking believe that. Saying something isn't what it seems usually means it is the opposite," Bella muttered.

"It is not a cult. No scary rituals or dancing around fires," I teased, surprised I managed to. The smile playing on my lips lasted a second as Bella eyed me skeptically. Clearly she didn't appreciate it.

"It's a sponsored program, Bella. It can really help you." I told her sincerely.

"I told you I don't need fucking help," she spat.

"Besides, it wouldn't be fucking fair," she added, less angrily.

I frowned. "Why would it be unfair?"

"Have you not been listening?" Bella muttered, her voice going up an octave again.

Apparently I hadn't, because I had no idea what she meant.

"Angela is in the same situation as me and she is a much _much_ better person than I am." Bella practically yelled.

"She is fucking sick and only does this shit because it is the easiest way to make money, even if it is the shit that got her sick in the first place.

"She is a fucking champ and I am the one who gets offered a way out?"

"Wait," I said, understanding dawning on me. "You think she deserves it more?"

Bella softly slapped her own forehead before smacking my shoulder.

"Obviously, genius."

"Wow," I whispered.

"Wow?"

I gave Bella a smile. "You do realize that by acknowledging that, it makes you pretty selfless too."

"I am not selfless," she countered angrily. "I am not like Angela."

"But you do believe she needs a chance at a better life more than you do?"

"So? Anyone who has met both Angela and I would believe the same."

"But would you want to subject your friend to a cult?" I teased.

Bella gave me an irritated look before she spoke. "Angela would fit in, I wouldn't."

"And you believe you don't deserve it," I added.

"I don't."

"I think you do."

"I don't care what you think."

"I know," I said, hoping at some point she would at least care a little.

"But what about Angela?"

"What about her?" Bella asked curiously.

"She wants you to have a better life. Because, like you said, she is selfless. And you want the same for her."

"I do," Bella nodded.

"So would you join the program if she did?"

"No," Bella answered instantly.

"Why not?" I wondered.

"Because saints deserve to be saved. If you fucking insist on helping someone, help Angela."

"There are two spots left in the program," I hinted.

"Give one to Angela and someone else who wants to be saved," Bella said before she yawned and nestled back into the pillows. Her eyes were fluttering; she could barely keep them open as exhaustion washed over her.

"I better go. You need rest." I said with a smile.

Bella nodded. "Yeah."

I got up from my seat and walked to the door.

"Edward," Bella called.

I turned to face her.

"Yes?"

"Good night."

"Good night, Bella."

I watched her as she closed her eyes.

"Bella?" I whispered.

"Hmm," she mumbled.

"What about fallen angels…"

"Hmm…"

"Don't they deserve to be saved too?"

* * *

The sixth night I visited the hospital I found an empty bed.

As it turned out Bella had been released earlier in the day.

I stopped by the hospital chapel on my way out and prayed for Bella, knowing she had gone back to the life that was tearing her apart.

Physically and emotionally.

* * *

On the seventh day I went back to living my own life. I'd tried for a week. A long week where I had done everything I could to get Bella to join the Redemption Program. A week where I had foolishly hoped I'd be able to get through to her and make her see that there was a way out.

It had all been in vain.

I'd deluded myself into thinking she'd accept any kind of help.

But Bella was probably not able to.

During the day I busied myself with classes and in the evening I had dinner with Emmett and Rosalie.

At the table, they had a heated discussion about the sex of their unborn child.

"It's going to be a boy, Rose," Emmett claimed with certainty.

Rosalie gave him a pointed look and then rubbed her belly.

"50 percent, Emmett. And if it is a boy, we are not naming him Shaquille."

I chuckled at the name, for Emmett had been a huge Shaquille O'Neal fan as a teenager.

"Baby, it's a great name because it belonged to the greatest athlete of all time."

"Emmett you do realize your child will be white right?" Rosalie snorted.

"Doesn't mean he won't be a great basketball player, right Eddie?"

I rolled my eyes at the nickname because I didn't like to be called Eddie. Not just because it sounded like I was five years old but also because that's what Jacob used to call me. The name belonged to long lost memories of playful days with a childhood friend who would never come back.

"My name is _Edward_. And I think the most important thing is that your child will be healthy when it's born. That the baby and Rosalie will make it through the delivery without complications."

Now it was Emmett's turn to roll his eyes. "Spare me the clichés little brother. Of course I want my child and Rose to be healthy. Doesn't mean I can't dream a little."

"A little?" Rosalie scoffed. "We don't even know the sex yet and you are already 'dreaming'" – she air quoted – "impossible dreams."

"That's why they're called dreams, baby."

After that Emmett talked about the business and Rosalie shared her joy about teaching her third grade class at West Seattle Elementary school.

After they updated me on their lives, they asked about mine.

"How's the student life, Edd…ward..." Emmett wondered. "Plenty of sorority girls lining up for ya, I bet" he teased.

He knew how to push my buttons, even if he was just teasing me. Emmett was perfectly aware of my celibacy.

My virginity.

"Emmett," Rosalie chided him. "Don't embarrass your brother."

"When I was in college I let my eyes wander," Emmett muttered.

"That was three years ago and I didn't appreciate it," Rosalie pointed out.

"Babe, you know you're my world," Emmett said sweetly.

"Nice save, Emm," she said as she smacked his shoulder the way Bella had done a few days before.

_Bella._

I wondered what she was doing right now. If she was already back on the streets. While I hoped she would allow her body to rest a little while longer, Bella was possibly stubborn enough to pretend she was fine and go back to…_work._

I felt depressed at the idea that my attempts to try and help her had been pointless.

"Esme told me you signed up to be a buddy in the Redemption Program." Rosalie said, pulling me from my thoughts.

I nodded.

"That's really wonderful. The program has done a lot of good from what I have heard."

"I suppose," I said wryly.

"You're not happy about it?" Rosalie asked, puzzled by my lackluster reaction.

I sighed, rubbing my face before my hands found their way into my disheveled hair.

"The person I am supposed to help doesn't want to join the program."

Rosalie smiled in understanding. "Not everyone accepts help. Some people aren't capable of it."

"This girl thinks she doesn't need it nor deserves it," I said.

"Is she in denial about her problems?" Rosalie asked.

I shook my head. Bella wasn't exactly in denial about her problems. She was in denial about needing help.

"She won't accept help."

"If that's the case you might be wasting your time…

…maybe the program needs to find a different participant." Rosalie suggested.

"Someone who really wants it."

I remained silent as I let Rosalie's words sink in, admitting to myself that she was probably right. Bella didn't want help.

I had to accept that.

"Edward," Rosalie called. "Are you alright?"

"Yes." I smiled. "I am sorry, I was just thinking."

"About this girl," Emmett said suggestively.

I rolled my eyes at his assumption. "About the help she needs, Emmett."

"Sure, sure," He grinned.

"Well," Rosalie interjected. "If you have tried to get this girl to join and she still refuses then it is her loss."

Rosalie was right. It would be Bella's loss.

But the price of losing would be very high.

"How'd you meet this girl anyway?" Emmett asked, curiosity burning in his voice.

"She visits the community center sometimes."

"What does she look like?" Rosalie wondered. "Maybe I have seen her."

"She doesn't visit often," I said, evading the question. I was not ready to share any details with them.

"Why would she have to join anyway?" Emmett asked. "What's her poison?"

He assumed substance abuse though I was quite certain this was not the case with Bella. She was too smart to be an addict. She was just too stubborn and too closed off to believe she deserved to be saved.

Maybe that was her poison.

"She is just very self destructive."

"A cutter?" he guessed.

"No."

"Pill popper?"

I sighed. "No, Emmett."

"Kinky sex?" He grinned.

I blanched at Emmett's suggestion, which my usually so unobservant brother now picked up on.

Rosalie noticed my embarrassment and interrupted the guessing game to ask if we wanted coffee. Emmett and I accepted and moved to the sitting room.

I hoped Emmett would have forgotten about Bella but he hadn't.

"So she does like kinky sex?"

"I very much doubt she likes it," I mumbled.

Emmett caught what I said and I could see realization dawning on him slowly.

"She's a…prostitute?" Emmett asked in disbelief. "Dude, that's…pretty messed up.

"I mean, she is a hooker. And you know nothing about sex," he said, completely serious.

"Emmett," I warned.

"No, bro. Get real here. How would you be able to help this girl? You two are completely different. It'd be like having Michael Phelps coach the Sonics."

Of course, Emmett would use a sports metaphor to make sense of it all.

"Look Emmett, let's just drop it. It doesn't matter who she is. What's important is that she needs help but keeps declining it." I muttered.

Emmett dropped the subject for a second but it was quickly revisited when Rosalie came into the living room to serve us coffee.

"Edward wants to help a hooker," he said without hesitation, causing my cheeks to flush with fresh embarrassment.

Rosalie's eyes widened for a moment before she regained her composure.

"The girl…she…is a prostitute?"

I nodded weakly.

"Wow, that's…intense."

Intense was certainly an understatement.

"What's her name?" Rosalie asked as she handed me a large mug of steaming coffee.

"Whose name?"

"The girl. The one who won't enter the Redemption Program."

"The hooker," Emmett clarified which earned him another smack against the shoulder from Rosalie.

"Isabella."

"Isabella. That's a pretty name. I bet she is a pretty girl," Rosalie said.

"I suppose she is." I said quietly.

"She means something to you," Rosalie observed as she flashed me a gentle smile.

"Huh?"

"There's something in your eyes. Something new."

Emmett nodded.

"Rose is right."

"I don't know her that well."

"And yet you seem consumed by her," Rosalie pointed out.

Emmett chimed in.

"I haven't seen that look in your eyes in a long time.

"In fact maybe _never."_

_

* * *

_

On the seventh night after dinner with Rosalie and Emmett I found myself in front of the community center. The spot where I had first met Bella.

Where I had first commented on her clothing, unbeknownst to what they represented.

If only I had known. If only I would have been able to make a difference.

But Bella was relentless and stubborn. And I didn't know her well enough to get through to her.

It had been an illusion to believe visiting her in the hospital every night would make a difference. Angela had been right. I could not comprehend the life she and Bella lived and what they had to do to get by.

I'd been a fool to think I could have changed that.

And so I found myself standing there to do what Rosalie and even Bella had advised me.

Allow Alice to find someone who did in fact want to turn their life around.

I stood there with a heavy heart, feeling like a failure.

The inability to save Bella and the prospect of what this meant for her...It was the story of Jacob all over again.

Bella was the fallen angel whose wings I could not mend.

"You know…

… It's not the type of weather to spend time outside…_on the fucking streets."_

* * *

**A/N:**

**- "Small Sign of the Cross" a small cross is traced with the thumb over the forehead, lips, and breast of the individual while whispering the words "May Christ's words be in my mind, on my lips, and in my heart.**

** Catholics should begin and end their prayers with the Sign of the Cross and should cross themselves when passing a church to honor Jesus in the Tabernacle, upon entering a church, and after receiving Communion. The sign is made, too, in times of trouble or fear (e.g., when receiving bad news, in times of temptation, when hearing an ambulance or fire truck go by), when passing a cemetery or otherwise recalling the dead, when seeing a Crucifix - _any_ time one wishes to honor and invoke God, or ward away evil, fear, and temptation. **

**- www(dot)bishopwhiteseminary(dot)com reference to the seminary Edward mentioned.**

**- Michael Phelps is an American Swimmer, who won a butt load of championships and Gold medals.**

**- Special shout out to Mamasutra who has rec'd BoTW in her story "Perhaps Not To be" check out her stories: fanfiction.(dot)net/u/1861264/mamasutra**

**- MrsEdwardCullenP asked for Bella and Edward's age. I'll give the ones of the most important characters.**

_Edward: 23 (Turned 23 in June – slight 3 months older than Bella)_

_Bella: 23 (Turned 23 on the day she ended up in jail)_

_Angela: 26_

_Alice: 27, Jasper: 28_

_Rosalie and Emmett are both 24_

_Carlisle and Esme are both 48 (Married 26 years, Emmett was born in their 2nd year of marriage, Edward a year after)_

_Father Masen: 66_

_Father Banner: 76_

****As always I thank everyone for their support and the time they take to review. Even if you don't review and just read, I thank you and hope you enjoy the story so far. :)**


	12. One Small Step

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**I heart my BETA Parama. She makes this story with her grammar-expertise and her great ideas. **

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER 11: ****ONE SMALL STEP**

_"One small step for man..."_

Edward Cullen was a fucking stalker.

I considered filing a complaint because it was goddamn abnormal for him to visit me five nights in a row. Not to mention how completely inappropriate it was.

He wasn't a friend. He wasn't a fucking foe either.

Edward Cullen was nothing to me.

_Right Bella, keep telling yourself that. Keep insisting that your fucking heart didn't skip a beat when you saw him standing there._

I sighed, leaning back into the pillows I had come to loath. It sucked to lie in a hospital bed for the reasons I did. To be faced with colorless walls that screamed monotony and depression and fed the general feeling that was threatening to overflow inside me, making me want to scream to drive the demons away.

The demons I carried inside me for so long; they had been joined by a new monster.

The memory of Laurent and what he had done to me.

_Don't think about it, Bella,_ I warned myself. _Don't make it more than it has to be. A rule was broken, the asshole broke your…ass hole. It hurts but suck it up. This is just another part of your life you need to forget about straight away. File away under 'case closed'._

All my fucking life I had been trained to rely on my survival skills. Now was no different.

Nothing was different.

Except when Edward Cullen was around.

He pissed me off so fucking much every time he showed up – well, except for that first night - but at the same time he did bring color to the walls. Color to my cheeks.

He probably wouldn't care if he knew and I sure as fuck would never admit it but he gave me hope.

And a butt load of irritation.

The first night he had stopped by I had been shocked and pissed off at Alice and Jasper for trying to get me into that fucking Program.

The amount of frustration they had left me with had been poured into my throwing that pillow in the direction of the doorway after I had hid under my covers to try and blow off steam.

But it hadn't been Jasper and Alice who had returned.

Instead a confused, dazzling man had stood there looking at me, probably wondering why the fuck I had just tried to attack him with a pillow.

Looking back it was befitting because after that unfortunate incident there had been many times I wanted to smack his face with a pillow.

Or something less soft.

That first night; it was four nights ago. I had been lying in this bed for five damn days and I was getting eager to go. My hip was feeling better although it was still sore. I had managed to walk around a bit earlier but after a while my legs had given out and I hadn't been able to make it back to my room without a wheelchair.

The doctor – I called him Doctor Sushi because he always seemed to smell like nori and Angela had found Doctor Seaweed Breath offensive – had assured me that if I continued to improve, I would be going home in a few days.

Lucky me. I was fucking bound to this hell hole for two more days at least. I was not happy about that.

In here I was continuingly confronted with two things.

_One._ The reason I'd been brought here in the first place.

While I didn't fucking delude myself into thinking that going home would make the razor sharp cuts of the memories of my encounter with Laurent disappear all together – there would always be scars to add to the scars I'd been carrying for years – the time here in the hospital gave my mind too much fucking reign to remember everything I so desperately wanted to forget. My survival instinct was lying in that hospital bed with me, trying to recover.

I hoped it would be fucking soon.

_Two._ Edward Cullen.

Initially I had been surprised and perhaps even a bit intrigued to find him standing in that doorway, hair all deliciously disarray, jade eyes that were subtle but piercing. Jeans, black tee, casual sneakers and a black vest and scarf to complete the look.

_Simple but gorgeous._

Heck, for a moment I may even have been a little happy to see him.

Until he had mentioned the creepy cult program Alice and Jasper had tried to force upon me before.

I wasn't stupid. I was fucking aware that there were people who could benefit from these types of programs. People like Angela who deserved a chance at a better life for instance.

People like me on the other hand…deserved the hand they were dealt. Therefore I was sick and tired of people trying to push me to grab a chance I didn't deserve.

Edward's pushing was tiring and that's why I had told him to get the fuck out but he seemed unable to take a hint because the next night he had shown up again. Had Angela not been there and had I not been hooked to an IV, I would have scrambled to the foot of the bed, grab the collar of the charcoal colored polo he'd been wearing under a tan sweater and pull him onto the bed to slap him silly.

Or kiss him hard.

The idea of lying in that bed, with Edward hovering above – all smiles and sweet shit – being both angry and attracted to him had pissed me off even more than the idea of joining that cult he kept promoting to me.

The third night had been my breaking point.

There had been aplenty to deal with for me over the course of the last few days, but having Edward at my bedside every goddamn night, all caring and compassionate, had been too much.

I had really tried to ignore him when he had entered but he had been relentless. He would not leave me the fuck alone and even had the fucking nerve to ask if I was alright, after I'd verbally expressed my discomfort at having a bruised and battered body.

Why the fuck did he think I was in here? Of course I wasn't alright.

The night had ended with his cult promotion babble and my very verbal demand for him to leave.

I had hoped that would be the last of it but I had been dead wrong.

Last night Edward – who was clearly a glutton for punishment – had come back and managed to insult both Angela and me by referring to our 'profession' without thinking clearly.

Admittedly, I probably wouldn't have given a shit if anyone else had said it but I was so mad at Edward being around all the time, trying to get me to join that cult that it probably wouldn't matter what he'd said.

I knew he had made amends with Angela after because she had told me so this morning, when she had paid me a brief visit.

"He bought me a hot chocolate," Angela had gushed.

I had wanted to gag. Why the fuck did she have to smile at that? Edward Cullen was a stalker and probably a pervert to boot. I hated that he was also fucking gorgeous and that I was desperate to lick his jaw, especially when he clenched it and narrowed his eyes in a frown.

Edward Cullen was hot when he seemed pissed off and trying to hide it.

"He's a nice guy, Bella," Angela had pulled me from my reverie.

I 'd shrugged. "Whatever."

"He wants to help you."

I hadn't answered.

"Bella, I know you want to be stubborn but please give him a fair chance."

While I had been reluctant to take Angela's advice and do something constructive with it I knew she had a point. I had been taking out things on Edward who had only tried to be nice. Overly nice but nice nonetheless.

At some point, I must have dozed off because I woke to the sound of someone whispering words in a gentle cadence of reverence and begging.

My hand was tingling with a hint of electricity as warm flesh encircled it.

My hand was being held.

By my very own stalker.

I wanted to bask in the fucking warmth of it but letting him hold my hand like a pristine type schoolboy showing affection to his girlfriend was way too fucking awkward.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, my voice hoarse with sleep.

"I was praying," Edward said sheepishly.

"Oh…"

I stared at his hand which was still covering mine; the warmth radiating from his hand made me uncomfortable.

Not because it was a strange or wrong thing to do.

_Quite the opposite._

It felt nice for him to hold my hand and rub circle in a soothing manner.

_Fucking get it together Bella!_ I chided myself.

Edward was trying to be nice. Not to mention the fact that stalking me and praying for me. So much concern for someone he barely knew.

For someone who didn't want to be saved.

"Why?" I whispered, still staring at our hands

"Because I needed strength."

He needed strength? Why? To do what? Why was he here and why did it feel so good to have him touch me?

My frustrations got me angry and so I was beyond fucking rude when I brusquely asked him why he was holding my hand before pulling it back.

Remembering what Angela had told me, I did try to be nice to Edward. Sort of.

I accused him of being a stalker to which he admitted he couldn't stay away which sounded like such an intimate and bold statement to make.

Our surprisingly civil conversation drifted to Angela and how she deserved a spot in the Redemption Program because she would be a better candidate to try and aim for better things.

A better life.

My best friend was feeling like shit every damn day. I had noticed how shitty she had been looking lately and I hated the fact that I was probably mostly responsible for it.

She didn't skip one night of visiting me. She allowed guys to fuck her even if she had gotten sick because of it and now her hard earned money went into bus fare so she could see me.

I bitched and moaned about everything while Angela remained strong.

Edward didn't completely agree with my opinion that Angela would be a much better fit for the program but didn't press the issue of joining except when he had mentioned that there were two spots open, hinting that both me and Angela could join if we wanted to.

At the end of the night, when he was about to leave I realized we at least had a decent conversation and I hadn't send him away like previous nights.

Still, his hints had been in vain and pointless.

"Give one to Angela and someone else who wants to be saved," I said before yawning and nestling back into the pillows. I could barely keep my eyes open as exhaustion washed over me.

"I better go. You need rest." Edward said with a smile.

I nodded. "Yeah."

Edward got up from his seat and walked to the door.

"Edward," I called.

He turned to face me, a slight smile playing on his lips.

"Yes?"

"Good night."

"Good night, Bella."

"Bella?" Edward's voice whispered through my slumber.

"Hmm," I mumbled.

"What about fallen angels…"

"Hmm…"

"Don't they deserve to be saved too?"

That was the last thing I remembered.

* * *

"I want to show you something," Angela said as she wheeled me out of the room.

I was wary, not certain what to fucking expect. It made me feel nervous not knowing where she was taking me.

Today was the day I was allowed to go home. Fucking finally.

But before we went anywhere Angela had insisted on taking me somewhere. Somewhere that required me in a wheelchair.

Somewhere inside this hospital.

"Ang," I muttered. "Can't we just go? I want to go fucking home."

Angela patted me on the shoulder. "Relax, we are just taking a small detour. After that we'll go home."

I was sure I wouldn't like whatever fucking detour Angela had planned. She wheeled me through a long beige colored corridor, around a couple of corners until I lost track of where we were and relented to the idea of not being able to leave this dump hole just yet.

_Unfortunately._

Angela finally stopped in front of a large glass window; the type you looked through when gawking at babies.

Oh crap. We weren't going to fucking do that, were we? It would be very typical of my saintly friend: 'Let's go hug some babies before we go home. See if you still have a heart for something.'

But there were no babies there. As Angela put the break on the wheelchair, she urged for me to stand up.

"I want to show you something."

I sighed and pulled myself up, wincing at the pressure on my hip as I tried to stay upright. Angela put her hand around my waist to give me some support.

My eyes went to the window and what I saw there, tugged on my insides.

Definitely no babies.

_It was Jessica._

She was wearing a pair of grey sweats underneath a typical hospital gown. There was this Robocop type metallic thing around her leg. Like a brace but made of metal.

I couldn't see her face, since she had her back to me. She was listening intently to whatever the guy next to her was saying. I supposed he was her therapist.

"They started rehabilitation a few days ago. That's a leg rehabilitation device; it's supposed to keep her leg in the right position so that the muscle can adapt to some pressure," Angela explained.

"It'll never completely reverse the damage but without it she'll have a very pronounced limp for the rest of her life. This will at least improve the use of her leg."

I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to see her struggle.

I did not want to feel fucking guilty for something that wasn't my fault.

I pushed it all down by demanding my survival instinct to kick in.

I fed on anger.

"Have you visited her?" I asked, my voice much more accusing than I had meant for it to sound.

Angela didn't look apologetic as she nodded.

"She has no one," she simply stated. "Mike stops by on occasion but that's about it. I don't even know if she has family we can contact."

I didn't respond at first as I watched Jessica, wobbling around the room with that metal piece around her leg.

I couldn't put into fucking words how it made me feel to see her like this.

I didn't feel particularly sorry for her – the concept was foreign to me. It sucked balls for her that she had to learn how to fucking walk again but that was not my problem.

She had pushed my boundaries and in return I had pushed her away.

The outcome was shitty but I wasn't sorry.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't so difficult to put into words how I felt inside my head.

"Bella, look at her," Angela urged. "Really _look at her."_

I did look. I did see.

I just didn't fucking care.

I sank back into the wheelchair and looked up at Angela, barely able to contain my anger.

"Get me the fuck out of here," I grumbled.

Angela gave Jessica one last look before complying and wheeling me away.

I could hear her sigh behind me and in that sigh I heard everything that Angela had hoped to fucking accomplish by bringing me hear.

It should have been an eye opener.

But it wasn't.

My eyes were open. And all they saw was that I had to deal with my fucked up life the only way I knew how.

By living it.

* * *

Home is where the fucking heart is. There is no place like fucking home.

My apartment was small and shitty but it was also the only consistent home I'd had in all my life. So I appreciated the look of it with all the second hand, garage sale furniture and the walls that were an ironic virginal white. The kitchen was small but had the necessary appliances. A small table with two chairs – another spectacular item found at a garage sale that Ang had dragged me to – were pushed into a small corner of my living room where the red worn out sofa and a large block of wood serving as a coffee table made up the room.

Looking at the sofa I was surprised to see it covered with a quilt with purple, yellow and orange squares of fabric sewn together that I hadn't seen before and I gave Angela a quizzical look to which she smiled sheepishly.

"I wanted to give you a welcome home present," she shrugged.

"You shouldn't have," I mumbled.

The fact Angela had gone out of her way to pick me up and get me home was more than enough.

It had been a small surprise that she had a car waiting outside once I had signed my release forms. I still had no idea whose car it had been that she'd borrowed to drive me home but I figured I was better off not knowing anyway.

It'd beat getting a cab or using public transportation to get home.

"Glad to be home?" Angela asked as she helped me to the sofa.

I nodded. I was fucking glad to be out of that hospital, especially now that I knew Jessica had been staying under the same roof.

Angela grabbed the new quilt and draped it over me.

"Thanks," I said quietly.

"You're welcome," Angela smiled warmly. "I'll get you some water for your pain medication. The doctor did say you could take a pill when you got home."

"No," I protested, stopping Angela in her tracks.

"I am good."

"Bella," Angela argued. "You are in pain. It'll be a while until you'll be able to move around without your body hurting like hell. Just take on, it'll take the edge off."

"I don't want it; not right now." I said.

Angela sighed, clearly unhappy with what I said. But she didn't argue. Instead she sat on the edge of the sofa, staring at me.

She was making me fucking nervous.

"What?" I snapped. "Why the fuck are you staring at me?"

Angela gave me a pointed look before she spoke.

"Do you know why I took you to see Jessica?"

I rolled my eyes. I did not want to have this conversation. I knew why but that didn't make me care anymore than I did. Which was zero to none.

"I don't. Nor do I fucking care," I said brusquely.

"I think you do," Angela said.

"Then you'll fucking be greatly disappointed." I spat.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," Angela said softly, sensing I was getting worked up.

"Oh really?" I hissed. "You mean you aren't BFFs with Jessica now?"

"Bella, come on. I just visited her to be polite. To see where she stands on suing you and all. I was hoping to smooth things over a bit because no one else seems to care."

I snorted. "Well, I am sorry for not ordering her a fruit basket and a lollipop…

Besides…she wouldn't even consider dropping the lawsuit. She may be a cokehead but she isn't that fucking stupid."

"I never believed she would," Angela countered. "I hoped I could mellow her a bit."

"Mellow her?" I muttered. "Jessica is and will always be a bitch. Mellowing her would be impossible."

"The same could be said for you."

I turned away knowing I deserved that remark. Any other time I would have appreciated Angela calling me out with such a sharp retort. But today it just pissed me off further.

It seemed I was impossible to mellow as well.

"You're lucky Bella," Angela said, breaking the silence.

_Lucky?_ Yes, I was the luckiest person in the world. Being a whore and getting fucked in the ass unwillingly while people tried to force you into a cult made me feel very lucky.

I turned to look at her, unable to hide the disbelief in my voice.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!"

But Angela ignored my building anger like she usually did. She had once called it my 'toddler tantrums' because of the way I went off when I was really pissed. It reminded her of a child not getting her way.

Sometimes Angela would indulge me or soothe my anger before it could burn me out but today she wasn't taking my crap.

In fact, she gave me an angry, pissed-off glare herself before she spoke with emphasis.

"I know it's a strange statement. I know you have been hurt lately and I know that underneath all the cursing and grumbling there is a girl who is hurting; physically and emotionally.

"But that doesn't mean you are not lucky. You know why?"

I didn't answer.

"Because you have a chance to get help, Bella," Angela pointed out.

Fan-fucking tastic. She was on the 'get Bella into that cult' - train too.

"Angela," I warned angrily. "Don't even think about fucking going there. I don't need a lecture."

Angela snorted and ignored my warning.

"Oh, _I am going there_."

I shook my head, trying to get up from the sofa to get away.

But Angela caught me before I could tumble over.

"Sit."

I cursed the fucking pain in my hip, my throbbing head and the fact my asshole felt like it was hanging in the floor from being widened and torn so much.

_I guess that's what getting fucked in the ass does to ya_, I thought bitterly.

Amongst others.

"Bella, I am your friend. Alice, Jasper and Edward seem to care about you as well. We want you to join the Redemption Program because not only will it help with pacifying a judge when your case goes to court but also it'll give you the prospect of a better life."

Before I could protest Angela continued.

"I know you think you are being dragged into a cult. But that's a short-sighted, stubborn notion. One you need to drop.

"You need to face the truth," Angela said sternly, while I stubbornly looked away.

"You need to admit you need help…

..and then accept it."

* * *

After Angela left I headed into my small bedroom. The bed was the only expensive thing I owned. It was black wrought iron and had a decent mattress. The covers were a plain anthracite with a burgundy bed spread.

I fucking loved that bed. It was the one place I was safe.

I carefully lay down and pulled the covers over my head, reveling in the sensation of being hidden from the fucking world.

The feeling of being completely safe only lasted for a few minutes until Angela's words came back to haunt me.

_"You need to admit you need help…_

_..and then accept it."_

There was no doubt she was right. I knew I needed help. I knew that admitting that would be the first step of fucking recovery.

But the thing was; there was nothing to recover from.

If I wanted to quit being a whore, I would.

If I wanted to rigorously change my fucking life and become a tap dancer or what the fuck ever, I could.

The problem wasn't my profession.

It was the inevitability of change.

The process of having to get in touch with feelings I had pushed away a long time ago. Feelings I did not want to resurface.

I thought of Jessica and how much I despised her. I couldn't fucking understand why it was so important for Angela that I pretended I felt any kind of goddamn compassion towards that bitch.

She was an evil cokehead and while by no means had I meant for her to fall down a flight of stairs, I didn't believe it was my responsibility to feel sorry for her now.

But I remembered watching Jessica struggle with those Robocop type iron handles around her leg. She may never walk properly again and that was sort of my fault.

If only the bitch hadn't brought up my…

I shuddered to think about the reason I'd pushed her in the first place.

She shouldn't have brought… _her_ up.

The woman who by law and biology could be classified as a mother.

_My mother._

_Fuck! Not now._ I didn't want to think about her now.

I was a disappointment to Renee and she was a disappointment to me. That's the way things had worked between us.

I had never made her proud because I had been a mistake.

_Don't go there_, I chastised myself, knowing I would be desperate for self destruction if I allowed my mind to wander to times and memories that made me wish I was never born.

I closed my eyes firmly and tried to think of fucking puppies and sunshine, snorting at myself for being so darn desperate.

Like puppies and sunshine could keep the demons at bay. I could shove them down and pretend I was stronger than them but the truth was…

I wasn't.

I was weak.

I was pathetic.

I was alone. Even with Angela as a friend, I was still alone.

I was fucked.

I needed help.

* * *

I could not believe I was fucking doing this. It made no sense to be doing this.

_You don't have a fucking choice, Bella._

_Actually you fucking do._

_This is what you are choosing. This is the choice you made._

Getting to the community center without help had been hell. I had waited for a butt load of painkillers to kick in- okay I had taken the prescribed doses, no need for another bad medicine experience – before I had dared climbing down the fucking stairs to get myself on a bus and to this place.

The wobbling bus ride had been hell but in a strange way it fit. The rocky fucking path of life.

Standing here now, looking at the door like it was some sort of gate to a Magic land I had no right or reason to enter but still had the opportunity to sneak through took more strength than I could have imagined.

I forced myself not to turn around and walk away.

I willed myself to stand there.

To watch him.

Edward Cullen was standing there; hand on the door knob, eyes that betrayed how lost he looked.

So fucking lost. He looked like someone had just told him his puppy died.

I wanted to turn and walk away. I wanted to move towards him and hold his fucking hand; reassure him that no one would kill his puppy.

Or whatever nice shit people said to comfort one another.

The first was preferable. The second, plain weird. I didn't usually care about people and the desire to hold someone's hand was just wrong.

I ended up doing neither.

As Edward moved, seemingly ready to go inside I spoke, surprised that my voice sounded clear and steady.

Confident.

Certain.

"You know…

… It's not the type of weather to spend time outside…_on the fucking streets."_

I quoted his own words to him, hoping to tease him. Well, minus the fuck of course. Somehow I doubted Edward Cullen ever swore.

But he didn't look amused as he turned around. In fact, he looked downright shocked.

"Bella," he whispered.

There was something in his eyes, some type of emotion I had not seen before.

He looked…._grateful?_

I couldn't believe that was actually it. Why the fuck would he be grateful? And what the fuck for?

"Hey…" I said, lifting my hand to give him a small wave.

"What….are you doing here?" he wondered as he walked towards me.

"You know me," I teased. "I love the streets."

Edward didn't find it amusing.

"Are you alone? I mean, is Angela here?" he asked as he looked around.

"Nope, flying solo. Angela needed a break from playing best friend. I have been a fucking pest to her, I think."

Edward frowned. "I don't believe it's an act," he said. "She cares for you."

I snorted at his assumption. "I know she does, I was just joking. Well not about the pest part. I am treating her shitty."

"Oh."

"So," I started, hesitantly, "why are you here?"

Edward stared at me before answering. He looked embarrassed as he spoke. Like he hadn't expected nor wanted me to ask that particular question.

"I was heading in to see Alice."

"Oh, why?"

I was never much of a fucking conversationalist nor was I one to ask civil questions. But there was some sort of curiosity burning inside me. A feeling that Edward was here for all the wrong reasons.

"I uh….was going to tell her to find someone else for the Redemption Program. To fill up your spot."

My eyes went wide at his confession. _Crap_. I hadn't actually thought Edward _was_ here on business that had to do _with me._

The door to the Magic land was closing. Access denied. No room for fuck ups. Move along and keep screwing up.

The idea of being ready to admit I needed help and accepting it only to have it snatched away before I could say the words pissed me off.

"You what?"

"Look, Bella. I spent a week trying to get you to join the Program."

He sounded so tired. I could only imagine how much I had exhausted him with my 'toddler tantrums.'

That was never the way to tire a man.

_How fucking Hallmark does that sound, Bella?_

"You made it very clear you don't want to. Very clear," he said quietly.

"So I fucking yelled at you and told you to go a couple of times," I said, my voice uneven. "I didn't fucking mean to. I was tired and upset and I…."

"And you what?" Edward asked curiously.

"I…I need help," I said quietly, looking at my feet as the words escaped my lips.

Edward remained silent and his lack of response made me look up. His eyes met mine and in them I read a new emotion.

It looked like….he was proud of me.

"I am relieved and happy you realize this," he said with a smile.

"Yeah well," I muttered, "I guess I have to start somewhere."

"You are not alone, Bella." Edward promised me.

"I guess."

I shivered against a gust of wind and wobbled; trying to keep as much weight as possible off my hip.

"Let's get inside," Edward suggested as he opened the door and gestured for me to go ahead.

Welcome to the Magic land. You have been qualified to enter for you are a fucking head case.

"Edward," I whispered, turning around.

"Yes?"

"I am not a fallen angel."

Edward looked at me intently before answering.

"But you do deserve to be saved."

* * *

** A/N: It's been a while but this time around the holidays is always very hectic. The good news: you get another update before Christmas. The not so good news: After that it'll be a few weeks until I'll be able to update again because I am going on a small holiday and have some other obligations coming up too.**

**As for this chapter: Bella admitted it: she needs help. Even though she is still convinced she doesn't deserve it. There is a bit of an overlapse between this chapter and the last to get a glimpse into both Bella and Edward's mind when Bella is in the hospital and beyond that.**

**As always, thanks for all the support. Every writer loves reviews but more importantly I want it to be a story with quality.**

**Next update before Saturday :)**


	13. In The Beginning

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**I heart my BETA Parama. She corrects my mistakes and helps me with amazing brainstorms. **

* * *

**CHAPTER 12: IN THE BEGINNING**

_In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth_.

"Welcome everyone…

"You are all here for the same reason; the same purpose. You want a better life. You want to be able to get up in the morning and feel good," Alice beamed.

"And you will. Just have faith and believe."

_Silence._

_Crickets chirping._

A wary group of people eyed Alice with hesitance. Her bouncy nature didn't seem to motivate them as much as she probably would have liked. But Alice, being the positive upbeat Alice, wouldn't let that get in the way of her mission.

"First let me introduce you to the counselor for all our group sessions: Doctor Victor Eleazar. He will guide us through our weekly sessions for the duration of a year."

A dark-haired man with a grey streak running through it rose from a chair behind Alice and said a quiet hello. He was probably in his late forties – early fifties and he looked like a health care professional. Beige trousers, brown loafers on his feet, a matching sweater with a crisp shirt underneath.

"Take note people; you'll be seeing a lot of this man. By the end of the Program he'll know all of you inside out."

Bella would not like this guy.

"Your individual therapy sessions will be with Doctor Miranda Carmen. You'll meet her in her office once a week. She couldn't be here tonight but she has contributed to this program for quite some time and I can assure you she knows what she is doing," Alice continued.

"This afternoon is only an introduction. I'll explain what the Redemption Program entails and Doctor Eleazar will give more insight into what our group sessions will be like. I am only here as a moderator," she clarified with another wide smile.

It had been a week since Bella had surprised me by showing up at the community center, admitting she needed help, agreeing to join the Program.

The rest of the week I had found no time to see much of her because I had already spent too much time with her the week prior when she'd been in the hospital.

In fact, today was the first time I'd seen her in a week.

Earlier I had waited for her outside the center, relief flooding through me as she had approached me.

"You made it," I had said happily, which had earned me a reproaching glare.

"I said I would be here," Bella had retorted before pushing past me and entering the community center.

And now we were sitting here in the recreation room where I watched Bella from the corner of my eye. The way she rolled her eyes and tapped her fingers on her knee with a rhythm that screamed irritation and unwillingness gave away her reluctance and possible nerves.

A small part of me wanted to put my hand on hers to make her stop tapping. But I didn't want to be that bold. I remembered the last time I had touched Bella and how she had responded to it.

It was best to keep my distance.

It would certainly be the professional thing to do since we had both signed a covenant which tied us together for the duration of a year.

In that year Bella would complete the Program; after that there was a six month evaluation in which she needed to show that she would not slip back into her old behavior.

In general there were monthly targets which went from finding a job and/or education, in some cases new living arrangements and most importantly: outpatient therapy for every participant.

Bella needed to start seeing a therapist, the one Alice had mentioned; Doctor Carmen. She also needed to join the group therapy sessions with doctor Eleazar that were going to be held at the community center. Both sessions were once a week.

Basically, her entire life needed to be turned upside down and we hadn't even begun to think about a job or education or a change in living arrangements.

All of this was connected because Bella's financial independence relied on an income and her current income was based on her current profession, which was one of the reasons she was in the Program in the first place.

As a buddy I had to check in with Bella every day. If not physically then at least by phone. The covenant had a rule about calling the participant every night, just to check in and go over the day together.

This wasn't merely to check up on the participant. It was actually meant to encourage the participant to seize the opportunity to confide in their buddy without having to make contact themselves.

I knew that my role as a buddy was a very serious one. If I did something wrong, I would wrong Bella.

It was all about trust.

I felt a small tap on my leg, as Bella pulled me from my reverie.

_Pay attention,_ she mouthed smugly.

"George, Mary, please. Tell us why you are here," Alice said gently as she gestured to a man in his mid-thirties with ash-blond hair and blue eyes to stand up. The woman next to him gave him an encouraging nod.

George introduced himself quietly; he gave his name and a brief summary of his life and why he needed help.

It turned out he was a drug addict who had been arrested quite a few times for several misdemeanors.

Mary, a woman in her late fifties with brown eyes and grey hair that she had pulled into a bun, was his buddy and basically his last hope. She had been a buddy to previous participants in the Program and her track record was impeccable. The two people she had supported before George were doing well and had never relapsed.

Bella flashed me a wry smile before focusing back on the group of people surrounding her.

She remained quiet throughout the introductions of the other participants; there was Lisa – an African-American teenage girl who cut herself, had been arrested several times for shoplifting and lived in a bad neighborhood - and her buddy Molly; a forty-seven year old housewife with blonde hair and grey eyes who had a busy family life but also wanted to give something back to the community. I'd recognized her earlier from the times I had seen her in church.

She had recognized me too because she had offered me a kind hello when Bella and I had taken a seat.

Next to George and Lisa there was Jack; he was in his late twenties and he looked high as he glanced around the room with glassy eyes.

I didn't want to judge but there would be a fair chance he'd be the first to give up though I certainly hoped he'd not.

Jack's buddy was a guy named Buck; I recognized him as the repairman that helped whenever something needed to be fixed at the church. He was almost as big as Emmett and definitely a bit brawny but I knew he was a devout Catholic. I wondered if he would manage to guide Jack and straighten him out.

Bella eyed her co-participants with a mixture of indifference and amusement. She frowned at Lisa and seemed to sympathize with George. Jack she ignored completely after he had winked at her.

She remained silent and observant until she was forced to speak because Alice asked her to introduce herself.

"Go on Bella, tell us who you are," she said with a smile.

Of course, Bella rolled her eyes again but reluctantly agreed by standing up and giving the group an awkward wave.

"I am Bella. Whore. Minus the crack."

Some laughed, Alice and I simply shared a look of understanding.

Bella was going to be _that _girl. The girl who would hide behind fun and jokes. Sarcasm and wit.

It would be very difficult to "crack her", as Alice had put it after Bella had officially signed up.

"You will have your hands full with her Edward," she had warned me.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she quits within a month," Alice had added sadly.

I could only hope she was wrong.

* * *

"How have you been?"

Bella flashed me a sarcastic smile.

"Just fucking dandy."

I could tell by the face she made that she wasn't doing all that well. Her lips were pressed into a discouraging grimace.

"Are you sure?"

Bella shrugged. "It is what it is..."

"Everything will be fine," I said softly. "Give it some time."

Bella shrugged again. I had noticed before she did this a lot, especially when she felt uncomfortable.

"Guess we'll see."

We were at a small coffee place not far from the community center. After the introduction had ended – with everyone's solid promise to be back in two days to really start with the Program; I had little hope we'd see this Jack figure again – I had asked Bella if she wanted to get some coffee and she had agreed.

"I think we should start by getting to know each other," I suggested as we sat down at a table by the window.

Bella gave me a skeptical look as she took a sip from her coffee.

"Is that on your checklist?" she muttered.

It was true. Alice had given every buddy a checklist to see what we would be dealing with in the first week. Since we were in an introduction phase, the plan was to get to know each other.

"I just want to do this right," I said.

"Fine," Bella sighed. "What do you want to know?"

This was quite a loaded question. A part of me wanted to know everything. Another part of me knew that I was going to hear things I probably didn't want to know.

I had to start small.

"What's your full name?"

Bella frowned at my question.

"What kind of question is that?" she huffed.

"I want to start at the beginning." I explained. "The beginning is when you get born. When you receive your name."

"You want gory details on my birth? That's fucking gross."

I frowned at her suggestion, trying not to think of an innocent small child, wrapped in a soft blanket, new to the world.

How did she ever lose that innocence?

That was a question reserved for later. Much, much later.

"I just want to know your birth name."

Bella shook her head disapprovingly but obliged. "Isabella Marie Swan"

"Thank you," I smiled, hoping it would make her feel more comfortable.

If I did, she would never let me know.

"Yours?"

"Edward Anthony Cullen."

She nodded, absorbing the information. "Were you named after anyone in your family?"

I nodded. "Yes, my grandfather's name was Edward. Anthony is my father's middle name."

"Nice," Bella commented. "keeps it all in the family,"

"I guess. And you?"

It was only a small moment but I saw Bella's face crumble into a pained expression before she seemed to shake it off and hide behind her typical mask of indifference again.

"My grandmother's name was Marie. Not sure where Isabella comes from," she said quietly.

"It's a very beautiful name," I offered her gently.

"Yes, I guess it is. Not very befitting for a hooker, right?"

I grimaced at the way she spoke about herself in such a demeaning way.

"Bella," I started. "Don't do that.."

"Don't do _what _Edward?" she asked sarcastically. "Don't speak the truth? You want me to lie about what I am? Doesn't your religion disapprove of liars? Doesn't the church burn people for it?"

I didn't like the way she spoke of religion and faith. It wasn't hard to guess that Bella wasn't religious at all. But the way she spoke with such venom about it, it was painful. I didn't doubt her intelligence but I did believe Bella was perhaps quite short-sighted when it came to God and believing.

Still, there was no point in arguing.

"I don't think we should get into a discussion about religion," I stated firmly.

"There is nothing to discuss. It's all a fucked up bunch," she mumbled.

Had I been like Bella, I would have retorted with something sharp like; was I 'fucked up' because I believed?

But I wasn't like that. I didn't want to communicate with well-timed wit and sarcastic responses. I wanted to explain how wonderful it was to have faith in God. How much it could help her if she allowed herself to believe. But I knew I needed to take baby steps with Bella.

Besides as a buddy I needed to be neutral. I could not force any personal preferences on Bella.

Watching her as she sipped her coffee she seemed so innocent.

"When is your birthday?" I asked curiously.

"September 13."

I was shocked at her answer. Bella's birthday had actually been a few weeks ago.

"You had a birthday recently?"

Bella sighed very deeply; as if the world was leaning heavy on her shoulders and she couldn't bear the weight.

It probably really felt like that to her. How could it not after everything she had been through lately. The way that man had wronged her so terribly, so violently. It was a surprise she was still standing.

Still fighting. I definitely admired that.

"It was the day of my birth. Not a celebration."

"You didn't celebrate?"

"Not really. Angela made me cupcakes though."

A genuine smile played on her lips as she seemed to remember Angela's gesture.

"That's really sweet," I said.

"Yes, it was.

…Of course I got arrested too on that day."

"That was on your birthday?" I asked astounded.

"Yes…Happy Fucking Birthday to me," she said mockingly.

"Wow…"

I tried to make sense of her. She was so different from me. Her entire world was the complete opposite of mine. I couldn't imagine not celebrating a birthday. It wasn't about materialism; it was about spending time with your family. It was the day you celebrated the miracle of birth.

I knew modern interpretations were much more about extravagant and lavish celebrations and not about staying true to the beauty of being born; the miracle of being one of God's creations.

It was a shock to find that the day of someone's birth could be a tragedy instead of a celebration to someone.

"Yeah, well…whatever," Bella said dismissively as she turned to look out the café window.

There it was. The walls were up again. I wondered if I could ever get them to stay down permanently.

"Mine is June 20," I said, trying to distract from whatever emotion she tried to ignore.

Bella's eyes met mine and she nodded. "Did you have a nice birthday this year?"

"My mother made me a birthday cake. It took me a bit of convincing to reason with her that I was too old for a Spiderman cake but it was very sweet nonetheless." I joked, fondly remembering how my mother had ended up making me a blueberry pie too, because it was my actual favorite.

Only Emmett had been disappointed that there hadn't been an actual Spiderman cake.

"That's nice," Bella commented. "Your mom sounds great."

"You have met her, right?" I asked. I recalled how my mother had been the one to tell me Bella's name.

"Yes, I have seen her at the community center," Bella answered.

"But we never really talked or anything," she added.

"She remembers you. She told me your name after we met the first time," I said.

Bella looked at me quizzically. "When we met the first time? What do you mean?"

"That night…" I said hesitatingly. "When you…"

Bella's eyes betrayed her when she remembered; they went wide with what seemed a combination of embarrassment and amusement. "Oh.. _that night_.

"You asked my name?" she wondered curiously, a hint of amusement still lingering in her eyes.

"I wondered who you were," I said sheepishly.

"Why," Bella teased. "You wanted my services?"

I felt my cheeks burn at her assumption and would have spit out my coffee had I been taking a sip.

"I uh…" I stammered. "I…I don't do that kind of thing," I finally managed to say, while Bella held back her laughter.

"I know. You are a true boy scout," Bella winked, while making a fake boy scout sign by saluting me.

"But the nicest boys are usually the naughtiest." she grinned.

I lowered my head to avoid her gaze, taking deep breaths to push back the feeling of embarrassment that washed over me.

The silence did nothing to take that feeling away and while I was still staring at the table top hoping my embarrassment would fade soon I could feel Bella's gaze on me.

"Edward," Bella said, forcing me to lift my eyes to hers.

My name on her lips was a peculiar thing to hear. It wasn't the first time she had spoken it but it was the first time she said it with such a strong emotion; one I couldn't decipher. Usually she was annoyed with me and expressed herself with curse words, sarcastic comments or physical displays of irritation but now there was something soft in her eyes.

"I was just messing with you," she smiled. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

"Why don't you tell me more about yourself," she suggested as I let out a relieved breath because the awkward moment had passed.

"You have a brother right?" she said with conviction.

I was surprised that she knew. Since she had told me that she had never connected with my mother, I wondered how she would know.

I supposed the surprise was evident in my eyes because Bella flashed me a cryptic smile.

"I asked about you too. Angela mentioned you have a brother."

I nodded. "Yes. His name is Emmett and he is about eighteen months older and doesn't let me forget it."

"It must be nice to have a big brother though."

"It can be," I agreed. "But Emmett thinks the title entails an abundance of teasing and practical jokes."

"Hmm," Bella mumbled, "that's odd…"

_Odd?_ I wondered what she meant by that statement. Anyone who had ever met Emmett knew that he was basically a toddler in a grown man's body who didn't take life very seriously.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

Bella shook her head. "Nothing. I guess it's good to have a brother?" she smiled sadly.

"I take it you don't have siblings?" I said softly.

Bella shook her head. "No, I don't."

"And your parents?" I wondered.

Bella gave me a wry smile and shook her head. "I don't talk about that."

The subject of her parents must be a sore one, I gathered from the way she glared at me but seemed distracted by something at the same time.

This particular subject was definitely off limits.

"Have you lived in Seattle all your life?" I asked her instead of pushing her on the issue of her parents.

Again I was met with a pair of eyes that burned with secrets and painful memories.

"No, I haven't."

I decided it was not in my and her best interest to push any further, so I directed my questions to a more neutral level.

"What about Angela? How long have you two been friends?"

Bella's face relaxed a little but a slight scowl remained. It was obvious she didn't enjoy these types of questions.

The more personal they became, the more she closed herself off.

"We met when I moved into the apartment building," she answered. "Angela has lived there for a while. She's been doing…this work… longer than I have."

I still had a hard time trying to comprehend how it was possible that two intelligent young women would sell their bodies and have voluntary sex for money.

I understood that people needed to make a living, that was a given in this world of materialism. After all, there was no such thing as a free lunch.

I was fortunate enough to be privileged and spend my time on my studies and my future prospective of becoming a priest. It wasn't that I didn't want to work but financially I didn't have to. I could spend my time on volunteering, like I did for the Redemption Program.

"It's a shame the last position in the Program had already been filled. It would have been nice to help her too," I said quietly.

The moment the words left my mouth I realized that my words were poorly chosen. It was very wry to acknowledge that Angela wasn't getting help. Plus, I knew Bella felt guilty for getting help when Angela didn't.

"I am sorry," I apologized before Bella could comment. "That didn't come out right."

"No shit," Bella countered. "Way to make me feel guilty."

"I didn't mean to," I vowed sincerely. "And you have nothing to feel guilty about, Bella."

"What makes me better than Angela?" she muttered.

"It's not about better," I said. "Sometimes things go a certain way."

Bella snorted. "That is the most ridiculous and pointless statement I have ever fucking heard."

"The spot was meant for you. Alice and Jasper took the opportunity to help you with your legal woes. They believed it to be a good idea if you joined the Program because it could show a judge you have the intention to change."

"So because I pushed some bitch down the stairs, I got lucky? Redemption is one weird-ass motherfucker," Bella cursed.

I flinched at her words. I hated it when she cursed. It made her look cheap and uneducated. I hated to pass that kind of judgment on her but her words did cheapen her entire appearance.

Her beauty wasn't lost on me; although I had never busied myself with looking at someone's physical appearance. It was hard to miss Bella's beauty and it surprised me that I actually noticed it. It was not part of who I was or what I usually focused on. There weren't many girls in close proximity to me. There was Rosalie who was beautiful; anyone could see it. Alice was quirky but cute – according to Emmett who judged every female by their looks. Occasionally a few girls roamed the campus but I had never paid attention to them the way I did to Bella. The way I noticed Bella.

Bella was by any standards very beautiful. Dark hair, pale skin, chocolate eyes and full lips. There was something soft about her; something pure. The irony wasn't lost on me though: Bella was far from pure, obviously.

Her foul mouth gave proof of that.

I was certain it was a defense mechanism for her to utter such words. She hid behind a big mouth and a wall that kept her insecurities and years of pain hidden.

"If you want to honor Angela, perhaps you should prove you want help and will change your life. I think she wants that more than get help herself," I said.

Bella shrugged and finished the last of her coffee. "My only friend in the world has HIV and needs this more than I do. Yet I am here in this 'Program'" – she air quoted – "trying to give a shit about something I am not sure I can change.

"When you fucking think about it, this is ridiculous. Maybe I should quit while I am ahead."

"Bella," I stopped her before she could rant on. "You signed up. I know you are scared of change. I get it."

Bella snorted. "Please, Edward. What the fuck do you know of change?"

Her words were wry and cold. And they were true. What did I know of change?

Not very much. The life altering experience I'd had was years before when Jacob had died. And after that my life had been a flowing constant because I had chosen for it to be that way.

It had fit with the plans and expectations I had set for myself. I was going to be priest; that would be my purpose.

"And I am not scared," she pouted angrily.

Now it was my time to snort. She was scared, it was evident. The girl with the foulest mouth I had ever heard pretended she was not afraid of change when all her protesting gave proof that she was.

"What?" Bella muttered. "Are you laughing at me?"

"No," I chuckled.

"It's not nice to lie, Edward," Bella pointed out.

I coughed, hiding the laughter that was threatening to break through and escape me.

"I am sorry. You are right. I don't know what it is like. I just meant to say that you need to focus on yourself in the upcoming months. Speaking of which…

…Alice spoke to James and he wants to meet with you as soon as possible," I told her. "I could go with you, if you like."

Bella grimaced. "I don't want to see that fucker again. Honestly, I don't know how that idiot passed his bar exam."

"He is your legal representation though," I pointed out.

"Lucky me," she muttered. "With my luck and his lack of a legal brain I'll be sure to end up in jail."

"If you truly doubt his professionalism we could look for a different attorney; something pro bono of course," I suggested.

Bella shook her head. "It doesn't matter who will represent me anyway. If a fucking judge wants me in jail then I am sure he'll find a way."

"You have to have some faith, Bella." I said.

Bella just rolled her eyes and went back to sipping the last of her coffee.

We remained silent after that, until a waitress asked us if we wanted a refill. Bella declined, telling me she needed to get going.

"I have stuff to do," Bella said as she rose from her chair. She grabbed her faded red messenger bag and slung it over her shoulder. "I guess I'll catch you at the next meeting."

"Sunday night, a group session." I reminded her.

"I know," Bella said before turning to walk out the door.

"Hey, Bella," I called after her.

She turned and waited for me to speak.

"Angela is not your only friend."

Bella nodded.

"And don't forget,"

"What?"

"I'll call you tonight," I said.

* * *

"Edward!

"This is a surprise."

After my meeting with Bella, I had walked around for a bit. I didn't have any classes for the day and I was well ahead of all the assignments I had to do because I had taken the time a week prior to finish up everything I needed to do. It had cost me a few all nighters, lots of coffee and unfortunately I'd had to cancel the church discussion meeting and I had missed out on mass.

To make up for that and explain my absence I had thought about stopping by the church and see if Father Masen was there. But then I remembered hearing my mother say that he was at some sort of convention and wouldn't be around.

I knew it would cost me a few Hail Mary's because I refused to go to confession with Father Banner.

Instead I was here at the hospital cafeteria with my father who seemed very happy to see me. I caught him having dinner before starting a night shift.

"It's been a while since we have seen you," my father said happily as he took a small bite of peas in his pasta salad.

"I am sorry for the unexpected visit, but mom said you were working a night shift…

…I didn't mean to interrupt your dinnertime though."

"No need to worry, it's always good to see you, son."

I smiled and took a sip from the bottle of water he had gotten me.

"How have you been?" he asked curiously. "You look tired."

"I haven't had much sleep," I admitted. "But it's okay."

"Edward," my father chastised gently. "You mother wouldn't be very happy if you didn't take care of yourself."

"I am fine," I told him. "I have just been very busy."

"I see. How are your classes?"

I smiled. "Everything is fine. I am right on schedule."

"Excellent."

"How is mom?" I wondered. "She sounded very happy when I spoke to her on the phone earlier."

My father nodded. "She is very excited about becoming a grandmother."

"I bet she and Rosalie have already decorated the entire nursery in their minds," I chuckled.

My father smiled broadly, his face glowing with delight. He reminded me of Emmett. "It's a wonderful time, isn't it?"

"It really is."

"How is your friend? Bella, is it?"

My smile disappeared. "She is alright."

"Has she come around? You said she didn't want any help."

I wasn't certain if I wanted to talk to my father about this. I understood his curiosity and by no means did I want to hold back on him but there was a part of me that wasn't ready to go into detail about Bella. I'd had the same feeling when he had first asked me about her and when I had told Rosalie and Emmett about Bella. There was something about the enigma that was Bella Swan that I wanted to keep to myself.

"She changed her mind about needing help," I answered him. "As a matter of fact, we had our first meeting at the community center this afternoon.

"She joined the Redemption Program," I clarified.

"That's good news."

"Yes, it is."

My father watched me, waiting to tell him more. It made me feel uncomfortable.

"What?" I asked, wanting him to speak up before he would burst from all the questions he probably had lined up for me.

"Edward, I know this is not my place and by no means do I want to tell you what to do but I do hope you won't neglect your other responsibilities because of this."

I frowned at the assumption. I knew I would have to spend an appropriate amount of time with Bella to make sure I could properly guide and support her. But that didn't mean I would forget about my studies or the church.

"Why would you assume that?" I asked

"I am not assuming anything, Edward. I know you are dedicated to your studies and the church. I just don't want you to lose perspective."

_Lose perspective._

It was interesting how my father responded to this. Normally he encouraged any form of charity or volunteering but now it seemed like he wasn't sure if it was right for me to make the effort.

In return I hated to make the assumption that my father didn't have faith in me. I knew he trusted me but his so called advice was simply peculiar.

"I thought you wanted me to do this. You and mom have always encouraged me to do charity work."

"Is that what this is?" he wondered. "Charity?"

"What else? I am just trying to help Bella to the best of my abilities."

My father flashed me a kind smile. "I am aware of that, Edward. I know you want to help. But this is not an ordinary girl."

I frowned, taken aback by the way my father spoke. He was a reasonable man. He never judged people.

"So I should only help ordinary people?" I asked wryly.

My father shook his head. "I don't know Bella and I am certain that she needs help and that you are the person to help her. I told you so before. I have faith in you, Edward."

"Then why are you making assumptions on what I do and what I will forsake to do it?"

"It's the first time you are helping someone. You are making an impact on their life. Being directly involved in what they need. That's quite the responsibility."

"One you don't think I can handle," I said.

"I do think you can handle it. I just don't want you to struggle with too many things."

I decided to end the discussion for it was pointless. If my father was worried I would have to show him he had nothing to worry about.

"I will be fine," I said.

"I spoke to Father Masen yesterday. He told me he hasn't seen you around lately."

"I went to confession last week," I countered. "Besides, mom told me Father Masen is out of town."

My father nodded. "He is; I spoke to him on the phone."

He frowned at the explanation, as if whatever they had discussed on the phone hadn't been pleasant.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"I am not certain," my father admitted. "Apparently there is some trouble in Louisiana."

"Nothing too serious I hope?"

"I am sure it will be fine. He did ask me to relay that he wants to see you as soon as he is back. I think that will be Sunday."

"I do have a group session for the Redemption Program but I will attend mass, of course."

"Good."

After my father finished his dinner, he had to get back to work. We said our goodbyes and he apologized for giving me the impression he didn't trust my judgment while I assured him I'd be able to keep up with my course load, be a buddy to Bella and join in on church activities and mass.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Bella, it's me…Edward."

"Oh, hey."

"How are you?"

I could practically hear her roll her eyes through the phone.

"I know you are a polite fucker but you don't have to ask me that constantly." Bella said.

"Actually, I do," I teased. "The agreement says that there is a 'how are you?' quota. Five times a day at the very least."

"You are not very funny."

"So how are you?" I joked.

"Fuck you, Edward."

Now it was my turn to sigh, which unfortunately Bella picked up on.

"What?" she asked.

"I wish you wouldn't curse so much."

Silence.

"Bella?" I asked after a few moments.

"Yeah?"

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

Bella snorted. "Actually, I think I offend you with all my cursing."

"I just believe you are better than that. Better than those words," I explained.

"I believe you think too fuc….too highly of me," Bella said.

"Did you just swallow a curse word?" I teased.

"Shut up, Edward Cullen."

"Good night, Isabella Swan. I'll call you tomorrow."

"My very own stalker. I am such a lucky girl."

Was that a small smile I heard?

"I am just a friend."

"A friendly stalker then," she teased.

"Just a friend."

"Good night, Edward," Bella said softly.

"Good night, Bella."

I put down the phone and smiled.

I took a quick shower before getting ready for bed

I dressed into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and slid under the covers.

I lay there for a while, waiting for sleep to come. The day had been long and there were so many thoughts running through my mind. '

Some worrisome, others hopeful.

When I didn't manage to drift off because my mind was still running a million miles an hour, I decided to read for a bit.

I picked up my bible from the nightstand and opened it on the page that held the passages I was looking for.

_And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. __And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness._

_And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day._

I couldn't help but smile.

Today had been the first day on the road to redemption.

* * *

** A/N: I promised other one :) This is truly only the beginning. There is so much more to discover. **

**Thanks so much for the wonderful response to this story so far.**

**I appreciate the reviews, the rcommendations and will continue the tale of Priestward and PottymouthBella in 2011.**

**Merry Christmas and all the best for 2011!**


	14. Sleep To Dream

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She does so much more than simply check my grammar. Without her this story would only be half as good.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 13: SLEEP TO DREAM**

_I got my feet on the ground__  
and I don't go to sleep to dream_

_"Bella…"_

I was pretty certain I was in some sort of fucking fairyland because the green grass was too green and the sun was shining too fucking bright. Too happy.

There were flowers here; all purple and white, yellow and pink. It looked pretty but it definitely didn't make any of this more real.

Where the fuck was I?

_"Bella…"_

And who was out there calling my name?

I looked around but I couldn't find anything familiar about my surroundings. And the faint sound of water running nearby didn't give me more insight into my whereabouts. I had definitely never been here before. Wherever _here_ was.

_"Bella…"_

The voice again.

It was closer now. Close enough for me to recognize it.

_Edward._

What was he doing here? I turned and found him coming towards me. He looked transparent, like he was a freaking ghost or something. But he wasn't a ghost. He was completely real and he smiled at me with certain adoration in his eyes.

What. The. Fuck?

"Edward?" I asked, completely confused why he was here.

I mean, why would I be here with him? It made no sense.

And why was he looking at me like that. With so much love?

"Bella!" he smiled, "I found you."

Found me? Did that mean he lost me? Was I lost?

"You were looking for me?" I asked dumbly.

Edward flashed me a wide smile before wrapping his arms around me.

_O-kay_...that was fucking awkward. Nice, but awkward.

"Of course, love. I'll always look for you…"

He would always look for me? What did that mean? And why the fuck was he calling me "love" and looking at me all googly eyed and shit like we were lovers…?

Wait..._were we lovers?_

"Where are we?" I whispered, as I allowed him to hold me. One hand was warm against my back, while the other took mine, holding our entwined hands against his chest between us.

Electricity hummed as our skin touched. It felt nice, far too nice.

"You don't remember? Have you forgotten me? _Us_?"

I frowned, looking at our entwined hands. I tried to make sense of his words. When did an "us" happen?

I didn't have time to ask Edward because when I looked up at him, his eyes were all wrong. They had turned from sparkling jade to mud pool brown. Dirty.

"Bella," he spoke roughly.

_Fuck._

His soft voice had morphed into one laced with crudity and anger. His hair had gone from tousled copper and bronze to long and black dreadlocks.

His skin was not pure, cool white but dirty black.

Edward wasn't here.

This place was not mine and Edwards…

It was something far more sinister. A place I didn't want to be.

_ Fuck…_

"Laurent?"

My voice was shaking and Laurent looked at me, a wicked glint reflecting in his eyes.

"What are you doing here? Where's Edward?"

He was here just now, I was sure of it. I had seen him after all…

I wasn't losing my mind.

"Edward," he sighed unhappily as if something fucking terrible had happened.

"Where the fuck is he?" I screamed, trying to push away from Laurent.

"I am afraid he lost his faith…"

Laurent turned to look over his shoulder, gesturing for me to do the same.

And sure enough Edward was there. But he was not the Edward I knew.

His hands and feet were nailed to a cross. His hair and head a fucking bloody mess because of the crown of thorns on his head. He was dressed in dirty bloodied sheets that were draped around him.

The image looked familiar…I had seen this before.

"Jesus!" I exclaimed. The moment the word left my mouth I was ashamed to have fucking spoken them. It was inappropriate and wrong. But so befitting.

"He wanted to save you, Bella…" Laurent murmured. "But you didn't let him."

"That's why he was crucified."

I shook my head furiously. Laurent was wrong. I cared for Edward. I wouldn't let him fucking sacrifice himself.

Wait…what the fuck…?

_I cared_ for Edward?

I barely knew the guy. Just because he was my buddy now, didn't mean it meant something more than being acquainted.

But still...I didn't want him to die.

I tried to move past Laurent to get to Edward, but he grabbed me and spun me around.

"Stop running!"

I twisted and fought against strong arms but when I looked up to face him, Laurent's face had changed into someone else's. Again.

"Stop running, Bella," a dark voice with a slight Italian accent spoke. "You know I don't like to chase after you…"

I never answered and I couldn't fucking fight.

I just screamed.

"FUCK!"

Sitting upright, my hip still throbbing from kicking in my sleep, I wiped away the sweat off my forehead as I tried to catch my breath.

That had been brutal.

Another nightmare.

Fifth night in a row.

* * *

"What's on the agenda for today?"

Angela flashed me one of those too enthusiastic, far too happy smiles that made me want to roll my eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me," she warned me with a teasing smile because she knew me well.

I did so anyway.

"So?" she urged. "What are you doing today?"

For the past few weeks, ever since I had been released from that damn hospital, Angela would stop by every morning to check up on me.

She pretended to be all fucking coy about it but I wasn't a fool. I knew she wasn't simply stopping by for a friendly, neighborly visit.

I could tell by the worry in her eyes and the way she would give me the once over, frowning as she took in my face.

"You look tired," she would always say.

No shit. Who the hell would look great after no sleep whatsoever for days in a row?

But there was more. Not just worry about the bags growing larger and larger under my eyes with each passing day.

Angela was also concerned I would slip up.

And this fucking bothered me more than her overbearing nature because this part of her worry leaned on the assumption that there was something for me to slip up with.

Which was fucking ridiculous because I wasn't an addict or anything.

Plus, between Angela's morning checkups and Edward's daily call I knew well enough that there was not even room for me to do stupid things.

"I am meeting with my asshole lawyer for lunch," I muttered as I took a sip from some very strong black coffee.

"That's good. Will you go alone?"

"You mean: will Edward be there?" I corrected her dryly.

Angela shook her head chuckling. "No, I asked because would you have been going alone, I would have offered to go with you. But it's interesting that _YOU_ bring up Edward," she teased.

I rolled my eyes again before throwing a pillow at Angela who giggled.

"That just proved my point."

"Whatever," I muttered.

"Besides," I added, "don't you have to be at the hospital this afternoon?"

"I could have rescheduled my check-up," Angela shrugged.

"No fucking way," I countered, "this is important stuff. They are going to test your blood again, right?"

Angela nodded. "If my white blood cell count is stabilized maybe I won't have to take such a high dose of Sustiva anymore."

I 'd been hoping for this to happen for a while because I knew Sustiva was a shitty drug that made Angela feel extra shitty on top of how crappy the effects of HIV made her feel to begin with. It would be great if her health would stabilize so she could feel better on a daily basis.

"That would be great," I said with a smile, feeling guilty for being so fucking wrapped up in my own shit all the time and sometimes forgetting about this fucking disease my best friend dealt with daily.

I might be suffering from nightmares when I closed my eyes but she lived a fucking nightmare every day.

"Plus," Angela said with a grin, "I need to pick up a new prescription at the pharmacy. Maybe I'll get to see Ben."

Her face became all flustered as she stared off into space all dreamlike.

"The pharmacist?"

"Yes, I told you about him. His name is Ben."

I nodded. Angela did speak of this Ben character every time she needed a refill and while she beamed at the sound of his name, it would be impossible for her to ever have a normal date with this guy. Not just because she was sick but also because she still had that shitty profession.

It wasn't like she could tell him she was a whore because that would make him run away for sure.

Also, I thought the guy was a douche because he charged Angela an astronomical amount of money for her medication just because she didn't have insurance.

"Yeah, I remember," I told her, unable to hide a grimace at the idea of this shithead stealing Angela's hard earned money while she harbored a crush on him.

"What? What's _that _face for?"

"Nothing," I mumbled.

"Bella?" Angela asked. "What is it?"

I sighed. "How well do you know this guy?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...how well do you know this guy? He sells you meds under the counter. And he makes you pay a butt load of money for them. That's just fucking wrong.

"I know you like him because your eyes start to fucking twinkle when you mention his name. But I think you should be careful," I added.

Angela frowned, pondering my words. She didn't dismiss them instantly though.

"Well?" I said. "I's not like I am wrong."

Angela sighed in frustration; probably pissed I was getting smug about it. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it fucking does! The guy is ripping you off!"

"No Bella, he is not. He is trying to help me. In the only way possible for me.

"I can't get insurance because I am a high risk. Maybe if Obama's health reform is fully implemented I won't have to get these damn pills that I need to keep me breathing from someone who has no choice but to charge me more than the sticker price because his boss would find out if he doesn't...

"...Damn it, Bella, I know you hate the world and all but Ben is actually helping me. He already cut the price as much as he could, as much as what _visibly_ seemed acceptable without his boss getting on his case.

"So, while you continue to judge every book by its cover and not its content, he is being a nice guy. I like him. And if I wasn't a prostitute, I would have accepted his many offers to have dinner with him.

"Unfortunately, I don't have a choice though," she added angrily.

"I am sorry," I muttered. "I would just hate for that guy to take advantage of you."

Angela snorted. "I have sex with guys for a living. Letting them take advantage of me, is pretty much my job description."

"I am sorry it's me in the Redemption Program." I blurted out.

"What?"

"I know you deserve it more," I spoke swiftly. "I mean, your health sucks but you are not bitter about it and you actually want to have a different life. You deserve to have a different life."

"Bella," Angela said softly. "I do want a different life. And maybe I deserve it too. But so do you.

"And I am not sorry," she added.

"I am happy my best friend is getting a chance to escape her demons."

I looked puzzled.

"What do you mean? What demons?"

"Well," Angela explained, "I don't think the Redemption Program is just about getting a new life. I mean, people are always free to make changes, unless they are bound by certain demons that prevent them from changing; transforming. It's change of mind you need to be able to make before you can make changes in your life. To find a new course."

I still didn't understand and Angela must have noticed because she gave me a soft smile. "Bella, if I wanted to change my life, I would. And maybe I will make some changes if my health is stabilizing the way I hope. But my circumstances, while they suck, are not demons I am battling. I am not running from anything. I have accepted that I need to make the most of what I have got, in whatever way the circumstances allow."

"What about you parents," I pointed out, "they are assholes. They ruined your life. Indirectly they made you fucking sick."

"Their antics definitely made me sick and I ran away from that lifestyle because of it. Because what they did was wrong. But I chose to give blow jobs and allow a guy with HIV to have his way with me without protection."

"But if your parents hadn't been whack jobs," I intervened...

"If they hadn't been whack jobs, it would have still been my own decision to do what I did. To end up where I did.

"And that's the difference between why you are in the program and I am not," she said.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You need guidance; spiritual or otherwise to find perspective. To find peace. To stop blaming the past for future mistakes...to realize that you are not your past…

"... It's not what defines you."

* * *

An hour later I was on my way to a Japanese restaurant called Happy Teriyaki on 5th Avenue to meet with James Brandon and Edward.

To say I was not looking forward to it was a fucking understatement.

After Angela had left I had taken a shower, allowing the warm water to soothe my tired body as I thought about her words on why it made sense I was in the Redemption Program and why she supposedly didn't fucking need it.

I needed guidance according to her, which to me sounded like a load of crap. My life was nowhere near ideal obviously but neither was Angela's. Why the fuck did I need to find peace while she struggled with her life?

Why was it her own choice to become a prostitute without her past having anything to do with it when I apparently blamed the past so much I still made "future" mistakes because of it?

What did that even mean? Angela and I had both ended up where we were today because we'd been dealt a really shitty hand. There was no denying or escaping it.

My past didn't define me? That's what I needed to realize, according to Angela. That was easier said than done because Angela didn't know all that much about my past and how it most certainly fucking did define me. To a T.

Sometimes Angela made no fucking sense but a part of me wondered if she had a point.

I realized that I wanted to talk to the only person I could think of having an actual "deep" conversation with. The only one who was smart and articulate enough to put Angela's words into perspective.

_Edward._

As I strolled lazily to the restaurant where we were supposed to meet, I thought about the nightmares I'd been having for a few nights now.

It still gave me fucking chills to think of that creeper Laurent being out there; to think he could be doing what he did to me to other girls.

_Don't think about it_, I warned myself.

But that was not the weirdest or even the scariest thing about the nightmares.

The whole "Edward is Jesus" thing was bizarre; the way he had been nailed to the cross like a godlike creature; a messiah. Or how Laurent had commented on him losing his faith and his failure to save me.

Also, I didn't know how I felt about Edward calling me "love" and how his arms had felt around me. It had been romantic and loving, which made the least sense to me out of all the bizarre things that had occurred during my nightmares.

I was not one to fucking believe in the notion that dreams could be meaningful. But it was unsettling to think Edward was occupying my subconscious as much as he did the time I spent awake.

It was weird. It was unwanted.

Almost as fucking unwanted as the way every nightmare had ended so far.

I shivered at the memory of black eyes and sinister smiles. Soft spoken threats that made it fucking hard to breath.

_He is gone Bella_, I reminded myself.

I shook my head and decided to push away the feeling of dread. I had other things to focus on.

Like surviving this fucking meeting with James the wannabe lawyer.

I made it to the restaurant ten minutes early and decided against going inside because I didn't have a clue what to tell the fucking hostess.

"Hi, I am here to meet my fucking lawyer because I might be going to jail. I'd like a fucking table for three and a couple of menus please..."

Not a good idea.

Besides, the weather had finally gotten a bit milder again, according to Angela. She had told me that it was easier to work outside – ten minute blowjobs in an alley were always easy compared to finding a place to have some guy fuck you – and I had to admit that I'd felt a pang of jealousy when thinking of Angela holding on to a routine that was familiar instead of being forced to make all these changes.

I snorted as I thought of how unfounded and silly the idea of that was. She was still outside every night; trying to make a living in the seediest way fucking possible and I envied her for it?

Maybe I didn't need guidance; maybe I needed electroshocks to zap the crazy out of my brain.

"What's funny?" a soft velvet voice asked from behind me.

_Damn,_ his voice was nice. It was gentle and gracious. Like a melody that gave "easy-listening" a whole new meaning.

I turned around and found a pair of jade eyes looking at me in amusement. I'd be fucking lying if I didn't look him over after my eyes had left his face.

Edward usually dressed casual but it always looked damn classy. Today he was wearing faded dark blue jeans, a black long sleeved charcoal t-shirt, and black converse on his feet. Because the weather was nice he didn't have a jacket on. He was however, carrying a large black backpack in his right hand. It looked kind of funny.

"Hmm?" I mumbled.

Edward chuckled. "You were laughing to yourself about something. What was it?"

I shrugged, not willing to share. "It's not very funny."

Edward gave me a pointed look but decided to drop it. Instead he seemed to sneakily try and look me over, but when I caught him he looked away quickly for a second before meeting my eyes again and smiling sheepishly.

"You look nice today."

I frowned at his compliment because it was so bizarre to hear him give me one. I mean, the only time a guy ever paid me a compliment was when I sucked him off the right way or when they paid me enough to discover my pussy was in fact tight and wet and fucking me was an epic experience. Really, some guy had said that to me once.

And really? Was I looking nice? I mean... jeans and a white t-shirt, purple converse – I fucking liked the brand and the shoes were comfortable – and a jeans jacket; I looked plain and boring. Less "whore" and more "unnoticeable."

Plus, while he had said it with a smile I had noticed that his eyes weren't expressing the emotion. There was something hidden a little deeper.

I didn't think he was lying; Edward wasn't the type to lie but I figured that to him- since I was just a pet project - it made sense to compliment me. It was part of being my buddy.

An obligation. I bet it was somewhere on his checklist.

"Uh, thanks."

"And we match," Edward commented with a smile as he pointed at my shoes.

"Guess we do. Are you too manly for purple?"

Edward grinned. "Trust me, according to my brother; I am not very manly at all."

Hmm. The brother again. The brother who wanted to become a priest. Edward mentioned him sometimes though he never brought up the fact he was studying to become a priest.

I figured he wouldn't bring that up because he had learned quickly that I had a definite aversion against everything that had to do with fucking religion.

Though I was a bit curious. Why would a guy who clearly had a sense of humor – judging from the way his brother spoke of him – choose to be a priest?

"What's with the backpack? It looks very junior-high to me." I said, unsuccessfully diverting him from any "manly" comments.

Edward chuckled as he slung the bag over his shoulder. "Also not very manly, right? I had classes this morning. No time for me to drop it off."

"Crap, I am not keeping you from something, am I? You aren't skipping class because of me?" I said, panicking slightly because I hated the idea of Edward investing in me in a way that would mess with his personal life.

_Duh, Bella. He is already fucking doing that._

"No, no," Edward said reassuringly, "don't worry. I am free this afternoon."

"Good," I said, "I'd hate for you to like... give up on stuff because of me."

_I don't need you to save me_, I thought, instantly pushing away a snippet of my nightmare.

"Bella," Edward said in earnest, "I signed up for this. Supporting you. Helping you."

_"Save you..." _

"What?" I said, certain I had heard him whisper the words I didn't want to hear.

But he seemed unfazed as he spoke.

"I am your buddy but also your friend. I make time for my friends. Now, come on. Let us go inside. I am sure James Brandon is waiting for us."

Before I could say anything – like fucking protest and suggest ditching James - Edward led the way inside, where indeed my dipshit lawyer was waiting for us.

* * *

"Isabella!"

I looked at the perfectly manicured, outstretched hand and arched my brow. What man would fucking get a manicure? I mean, I was all for personal hygiene but this guy was close to getting his nails polished. In fact, was that a light transparent coating I spotted?

Edward gave me a gentle nudge, trying to discreetly point out that I needed to shake the perfectly buffed hand.

I sighed and reluctantly grabbed James' hand to shake it.

"James," I muttered.

If he had heard the disapproval in my voice he was too professional to say anything because he simply moved on to Edward and shook his hand firmly as he introduced himself.

"You must be Edward Cullen. My sister told me about you. I am James Brandon. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Edward gave James a polite but almost timid smile as he let go of his hand. "Mr. Brandon, it's nice to meet you."

"Please, call me James," my incompetent ass-hat lawyer suggested.

"James," Edward nodded.

"Shall we sit?" James suggested as he gestured to our seats.

The table was a small square with four chairs. James sat across from me, while Edward sat down to my left.

I looked around and found that this place was decent. The interior was light and the furniture trendy according to the magazines I had seen lying around at the community center. It was neutral territory for a conversation that would undoubtedly be unpleasant.

I looked back at James who was already scanning over the menu, while Edward was looking at me.

While he watched me and I fidgeted with the menu in front of me the strangest thing happened.

Bella Swan who had a big fucking mouth and a tough exterior blushed.

I could feel my fucking face heat and suddenly I felt naked.

Like the kind of naked that left you stripped of your armor, not just your clothes.

And Edward wasn't even doing anything but giving me an encouraging smile.

Part of his promise. Part of the obligation.

So why the fuck was I blushing? And more importantly, had he noticed?

I had no time to think about it because James scraped his throat and called a waitress over.

"Shall we order drinks?"

"Sure," Edward nodded.

"Since this is lunch, we should get something to eat as well."

I was hungry because I hadn't eaten anything all day but I also knew I wouldn't be able to pay my share of whatever lunch would cost here.

"I'll just have a glass of water. I am not hungry," I mumbled.

James gave me an incredulous look, while Edward frowned.

"Bella, you need to eat," Edward pointed out.

"Edward is right," James chimed in, "the way to recovery is through the stomach, my mother always said."

"Yeah?" I grumbled. "Your mother is a whore who got fucked in the ass and then made a fucking pie because she needed to regain her strength?"

Edward gave me a semi-shocked look while James just grinned. "I see your mouth is still in place."

I looked at Edward who just shook his head. I knew why.

The words he had spoken to me before echoed in my head.

_"I wish you wouldn't curse so much."_

Yeah, me fucking too. But the truth was simple: my potty mouth was all I had. The one thing people couldn't take away from me was my words. They could hurt me all they wanted but I had learned to fight back verbally.

And fuck I was kind of quick witted even if my vocabulary was filled with fuck yous and goddamns.

No one would ever take those words away from me, despite the fact they made me seem cheap and uneducated. They were mine and they protected me.

"Though do remember that you are insulting Alice's mother as much as mine with that comment. I can take it, but she would be less than pleased because our mother died a few years ago," James added.

Fuck.

"I am sorry," I said quietly.

"Don't be, she was an alcoholic bitch. May her soul rest in peace," James added dryly.

My eyes found Edward's again and clearly he was even more shocked at James' words.

"Look, I'll eat a sandwich when I get home," I spoke, to break the awkward tension.

James shook his head. "Nonsense. You'll order whatever you like. Lunch is on me. Well, on the firm, since this is a business lunch.

"Now...shall we begin?"

Thirty minutes later I was sipping an ice tea while trying to eat sushi and spring rolls with fucking chopsticks. Not so fucking easy.

"So, Isabella, tell me. How do you like the Redemption Program so far?" James inquired while he cut nice little squares off his Kobe steak.

"Fucking swell," I muttered as I tried to spear a spring roll with my chopstick.

Edward pushed a fork towards me and I looked up at him. He was amused, it seemed.

"What?" I hissed, ignoring the way James looked between us.

"I don't see you eating your salad with chopsticks. Stop laughing at me!"

Edward's grin broadened and then he did something unexpected.

Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed my chopsticks and handed me his utensils.

"Let me try," he teased.

Of course, he did manage to pick up the contents of his shrimp and cucumber salad with the damn wooden things.

"See, not that hard!"

"You are just lucky..."

"Or skilled," he countered.

"You two seem to get along well." James commented with a smile. "That's good."

Edward and I stopped teasing each other instantly and it almost seemed like we were being chided by our teacher or something.

"Yes, we do," Edward agreed, "once you get past the cursing and the eye rolls, Bella is a puppy."

He grinned at my eye rolling.

"Well good. Bella needs a friend. A tough time is ahead.

"A trial date has been set," James clarified and all the teasing was gone instantly, replaced with thick tension.

"When?" I just said. I had been expecting this.

"January 10."

"That's like three months away..."

"Yes, it is. But this is good. It'll give us time to prepare our defense."

"Defense?" I choked. "What the fuck?"

"Isabella. Jessica Stanley pressed charges against you. And her injuries are quite severe. She is receiving intensive physical therapy and might never properly use her leg again."

"But it was a fucking accident!"

"That may be so but it doesn't change the fact that Ms. Stanley got hurt and wants some form of retribution. You need to be prepared for the prospect that a judge could rule in her favor."

"And if that happens?" Edward intervened.

"If that happens, various scenarios are possible. Isabella could go to jail but only if the prosecution can get the judge on their side and prove it was premeditated," James explained calmly.

"I just fucking said it was an accident," I all but yelled, causing several people in the restaurant to look my way.

"Bella, calm down." Edward said gently. "We are just discussing possibilities."

"I am fucking calm," I huffed.

"Anyway," James said, ignoring my outburst as he continued explaining all the legal shit to Edward, "If they believe it was premeditated than Isabella could serve time."

"And how distinct is that possibility?" Edward wondered grimly.

"I won't lie," James said, before he fucking paused for effect, looking at me intently.

"Your...profession is an issue. You have never been convicted of anything but prostitution is illegal here in Seattle. It will come up during the trial and it doesn't paint the most favorable picture in terms of establishing your character."

So basically I was fucking screwed. I knew all about corruption because I had seen it firsthand many times. Occasions I had pushed away to the deepest recesses of my mind because I dared not think about that shit. But I did remember what people could accomplish if they really wanted to without any regard for the law whatsoever.

A judge would sentence me. There was no fucking doubt. And whoever this person was, they would probably enjoy it too.

"So what do we do?"

I had to hand it to Edward, he was trying to be proactive, optimistic and helpful even when there really was no point; he knew this was a lost cause but he didn't seem ready to give up.

"Well, I am not sure if I can get Isabella cleared of the charges. Even if I go by self-defense she might get sentenced to a fine or community service."

"But...?"

"We have to aim for rehabilitation. Show the judge Isabella is changing. The Redemption Program certainly helps with that."

"What if they bring up the fact Bella is a...prostitute?"

The word sounded strange coming from Edward's lips. I'd never felt fucking more ashamed.

"Ms. Stanley has the same profession. They have no grounds to cover there. But should they bring it up, I'll make sure to counter the argument.

"Not all is lost, Isabella. Trust me."

I fucking didn't. For James Fucking Brandon I was just another case. If a judge would slap me with prison time he would just shrug and move on to a new victim who needed a defense.

"So what happens next? Now that we have a date for the trial," Edward wondered.

"We meet regularly to plan out a strategy. To practice what questions the prosecutor will come up with.

"I want two weekly updates on your progress," James told me, "I would prefer not to hear them from my sister."

I rolled my eyes. "There's supposed to be this...confidentiality thing between us."

James grinned. "And yet you never confide in me."

"Because you fucking suck."

"Well, let's hope I don't 'suck' too much in court then."

"Whatever. Are we done here?"

"Almost. There is one more thing."

"What's that?"

"I need you to go to the police and inform them of the fact you were raped."

_What. The. Fuck?_

"What the fuck?"

Shock made me inarticulate for sure.

Before James could explain, I pushed my chair back and rose, shaking violently.

He had said the word "rape" so casually. Like it meant nothing. And to him it probably fucking didn't. To him it was no more than a legal term.

But to me it was like a fucking magic word that triggered thoughts and images I kept locked away so that I wouldn't fucking crumble at the idea of someone violating me the way that fucker Laurent had.

The way _he_ had.

"Bella, it's okay. Just calm down." Edward said, rising too and grabbing my hand.

I stared at him for a moment, desperately wanting to believe _it_ was fucking okay but his face was the face I had seen in my nightmare. His face twisted into a face I never wanted to see again.

And while his touch should have been comforting, it terrified me.

"Don't touch me," I yelled as I tore my hand from his before running out of the restaurant as fast as I could.

* * *

_Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

Fucking phone. It had been vibrating for an hour and I was fucking sick of it.

I grabbed it, switched it off and threw it somewhere between the pillows of my sofa.

I wanted silence.

I wanted peace.

After I had ran from the restaurant and finally made it home, I'd been relieved to find Angela wasn't around. The last thing I'd wanted was having to fucking explain myself to her. My eyes had been stinging with tears, while my heart was beating erratically.

I was calmer now but I still felt the lingering afterglow of my inappropriate freak out.

A part of me was embarrassed. An entire restaurant had seen me lose my fucking mind.

Edward had seen me crumble. Like he had before at the community center when Alice and Jasper had brought me there after my arrest. I didn't care for James because he had probably seen that shit before anyway but I had yelled at Edward as he had tried to help me. Surely he would go to Alice and tell her he couldn't help me anymore.

The idea of that made me fucking sad.

I sighed. I was so fucking tired. Physically. Emotionally. The previous nights weighed heavy on me and I wondered how the hell I was supposed to sleep tonight without fucking nightmares.

I wasn't, I realized. Because every time I would close my eyes, the nightmare would come back. Over and over.

The more I thought about it, the more I started freaking out again.

And the more I fucking freaked out, the more I realized I didn't want to go to sleep to dream. To have fucking nightmares I couldn't battle off.

Now I had always fucking hated drugs: prescription or otherwise. I knew that someone like Ang needed pills to function because they kept her sort of healthy.

But most people I knew were just addicts. Fucking idiots who couldn't function without drugs because their brain was tricking them into believing that they needed it.

And yet the lingering idea of another night of nightmares made me wonder what would happen if I just..._made_ them go away.

It wasn't like I had to go far to get drugs if I wanted them.

Just a few doors down…

A knock on the door brought me back to the harsh reality of exhaustion and desires of peaceful sleep.

I got up and walked to the door, thinking it was probably Angela.

While she had a key and usually never knocked, I figured that maybe she was being polite because she didn't know if I was home.

"Ang?

"Is that you?"

No sound.

"Damn, Ang you don't have to knock," I muttered as I grabbed the handle and pulled the door open roughly.

But it wasn't Angela.

Not at all.

It was one of the people responsible for my sleepless nights.

"What the fuck are_ you _doing here?"

* * *

**A/N: ! Bring on The Wonder has been nominated fo the Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards in the Hidden Gem category. It would make me really happy if you voted for it: http:/twinklingswfa(dot)com**

**- I am very proud to be a part of a New Countdown. Countdown to VDay The Misplaced love Letter: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6618121/1/**

**More information on here as well: www(dot)wix(dot)com/twilightfanfics/holidaycountdowns**

**About this chapter:**

**- SUSTIVA is a prescription medicine used in combination with other medicines to treat people who are infected with the human immunodeficiency virus type 1 (HIV-1). In HIV combination therapy, SUSTIVA can help keep viral loads undetectable for a long time and has been shown to help improve your body's immune system by raising your** **CD4+ cell (T-cell) count.**

**- Happy Teriyaki is an existing restaurant. **

**- The title of this chapter is from a Fiona Apple song "Sleep to Dream." I suppose it's semi-appropriate.**

**As always I want to thank everyone whose reading this story for the wonderful reviews and even if you don't review, I hope you enjoy this story. That's what counts :) (But sure, everyone loves reviews! )**


	15. Food For Thought

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 14: FOOD FOR THOUGHT**

"Let's look at Romans 11, verses 33 to 36.

_"Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are His riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough to be his counselor? And who could ever give Him so much that He would have to pay it back? For everything comes from Him; everything exists by His power and is intended for His glory. To Him be glory evermore."_

I knew the passage by heart but I still found it hard to concentrate with all the yawning I did.

I was sitting in a lecture hall, listening to Professor Peter Kelly. He held a doctorate in Philosophy. Also, he was ordained as a deacon and followed the teachings of the Society of Jesus.

I liked Professor Kelly. He taught one of my favorite and perhaps most important classes; Spiritual Discernment.

I yawned again, trying to stifle it but failing. I reached for the cup of coffee I'd gotten just before class, desperately needing the caffeine.

Sleep didn't come easy these days. My nights were filled with ponderings and errant thoughts. If I caught any real sleep in between, I was lucky. But most nights I woke up more than once, often getting up to read or work on my dissertation.

"Let's get back to the assignment I gave you a few weeks ago. In God We Trust: how your faith is tested with every choice you make," professor Kelly announced as he started scribbling something on the large blackboard.

"One of the questions was: Have you had the experience of thinking you were being led by God to do something, and it turned out _not_to be so?

"What were the consequences? Looking back on it, what could/should have alerted you to this?"

The room remained quiet, waiting for the professor to appoint someone to speak.

But he didn't; instead he told us a story.

"When I was twenty-two," he said, "back in what some of you call the Middle Ages," – this caused people to chuckle – "I went to a party with a friend after a flyer, which announced the said party, literally flew into our laps when we were studying on a picnic bench outside of the university.

"My friend saw it as a sign from a higher power because that same morning we'd learned we had to do an assignment on human behavior and what better human behavior than the behavior people displayed during parties?"

This was one of my favorite classes and yet I didn't feel excited about it today. I couldn't wrap my brain around the information and found no spark that could cause me to pay actual attention.

"Anyway, we went to a so called 'kegger', though I am not certain if that's what these parties were called back then.

"My friend had deemed it a good idea because while we were not going to drink, it would give us a perfect opportunity to observe our fellow humans in a state of social acceptance, hierarchy and inebriation."

Seth raised his hand before the professor could continue.

"Yes, Seth?"

"I wonder what this has to do with spiritual discernment. I mean, why would God send you to a party? That seems like a stretch."

Seth said it with a smile, which earned him a chuckle from the professor.

"I am sure some people would be delighted to be sent to a party by a higher power," Professor Kelly grinned, "but you make a fair point, Seth."

"My friend and I were convinced that we were doing the right thing, that we had the right motivation to go to that party. We were going to study people. We were going to use it for a paper we had to write for our class.

"We both went to church, we were loyal followers and we didn't feel strange about going to a party because we had a purpose that couldn't be more different from the typical purpose young people had when attending a party."

"So," Tom –another fellow student – wondered, "you think it's wrong to go to a party? Do you think God thinks it's wrong?"

Without missing a beat, Professor Kelly turned to him and said: "Do you, Tom?"

"I don't think it's wrong to join a gathering amongst peers or like minded people and have a good time. With or without alcohol."

Professor Kelly nodded. "You make the distinction between peers and like minded people. That does exclude a group?"

He posed it as a question but Tom didn't waver at the professor's assumption. "Gatherings are usually based on a concentrated group of people with, for instance, similar likes."

Professor Kelly nodded. "You have a point."

I stifled another yawn just when the professor turned to look at me. His eyebrow quirked a little as he noticed how I tried to cover my mouth and I could feel my cheeks burn at the embarrassment. I hated the idea of Professor Kelly thinking I was bored.

He gave me a small smile before speaking again.

"God doesn't judge; he guides. If you decide to go to a party there is nothing wrong with that. Why would it be wrong; it's a choice after all.

"However, if you go to a party with the intention of getting drunk or at least the possibility of doing so, knowing it affects your behavior, you have to wonder if that's not something to stay away from. But it remains a choice at all times."

"So…you and your friend made a choice to go to that party, instead of being led there by God?" Tom wondered.

"It's certainly a choice. It's a choice of indulgence. I want to redirect it back to the original premise of my story: my friend and I went with the best intentions and he ended up drunk. I took one sip of beer and found it to be an enjoyable beverage, so I took a whole glass. And then another one.

"So there we were; going to a party – our first party, mind you – to observe people, thinking a misplaced flyer had been a message from God when in reality my friend and I had ended up indulging ourselves; acting gluttonous and by the end of it, we had not done what we had planned to do.

"Let's move back to how this concerns spiritual discernment, like Seth wondered.

"My story was a very plain and simple example, I suppose. We ask ourselves often if our decisions are based on choice or on spiritual guidance. And if we feel it's spiritual guidance and it turns out not to be so, how do we respond?

"Do we take responsibility; admit that it was our own choice that led us astray? Or do we blame our failed choices on being misled by a higher power?

"I am eager to hear what you have to say," the professor said, looking around to give someone the chance to share their thoughts on the debate.

When his eyes met mine, I knew he was going to ask me. He usually did.

"Edward, your thoughts please."

I gave him a slight smile. I knew he was testing me a bit after the debacle of yawning during his story earlier. He wanted to see if I was paying enough attention.

"If you truly believe, God can and will lead you anywhere he believes you should be. When you doubt that, it means your faith is not strong enough to believe."

"Alright, but what about choice? Are we responsible for our own choices?" he countered.

"Of course, but to me spiritual discernment is about being called by God. Therefore, if you truly believe in him; in what spiritual discernment means, it can never be a false call. And you will always answer."

Like I had with Bella.

* * *

"Hey Edward, you up for some coffee?" Seth asked as we packed up our backpacks.

I shook my head with a smile. "No, I am meeting someone for lunch."

"Okay, I'll walk out with you then."

"Okay, good."

Seth and I passed Professor Kelly's desk and bid him goodbye when he stopped me.

"Edward, hold on a moment."

I told Seth to go and turned back to Professor Kelly's desk.

"Yes?"

"How have you been?"

It wasn't an unusual question; he asked me how I was all the time.

But there was something in the way he said it; something in the tone of his voice that betrayed he wasn't just making friendly conversation.

He was making an assumption.

"I am fine," I offered with a smile.

"That's good to hear. I spoke to Professor Smith the other day. She said she hasn't seen you for a while."

Kate Smith was my dissertation counselor. I had met up with her a few times when the semester had started. But I had to admit that I hadn't seen her in a while because the situation with Bella had kept me busy.

"I have been busy," I explained.

Professor Kelly nodded. "It's a very busy time for you. Your final year."

"I am aware," I said as I glanced at the old clock on the wall.

12.15 PM.

I was supposed to meet Bella and her lawyer downtown for lunch in 45 minutes.

"I am impressed with the theme of your dissertation: 'The Experience of Divine Guidance: The Human Endeavor to Seek, Receive, and Follow Guidance from a Perceived Divine Source.'

"It's a heavy subject but one that's very suiting given your future plans."

"I hope I do the subject justice."

"You're a very dedicated student, Edward. You always have been. I am sure you will do fine."

"I hope so."

"I have to say – and I know it is none of my business - but you look tired. I am sure that being busy is keeping you from proper nights of rest but I do hope you are taking care of yourself."

"I am. It's just a hectic time. As you pointed out: it's my final year."

I eyed the clock again and the professor noticed this.

"Do you have somewhere you need to be?"

"I do have an appointment," I admitted.

"Well don't let me keep you then. I'll see you next week."

I nodded, giving a small but polite wave before walking out of the room.

"Oh and Edward," Professor Kelly called after me.

I turned. "Yes?"

"Do contact your counselor. She is curious about the progress on your dissertation."

I gave another nod. "I will."

* * *

_"The person you are trying to reach__is not accepting calls at this time. Please try your call again later."_

I sighed, shutting my phone as I paced around my small living room. I'd been getting that message for the past few hours every time I'd tried to call Bella.

Clearly, she was ignoring me. Because of what'd happened during lunch.

Now if anyone had told me beforehand that lunch would be such a disaster then I wouldn't have bothered hurrying to get there so much.

I had hurried after class, making it to a downtown restaurant called "Happy Teriyaki" with only a few minutes to spare.

I'd instantly noticed Bella standing in front of the restaurant. She'd looked simple with jeans, a jacket and sneakers. Her hair tied back.

I'd chided myself for noticing such things. I wasn't supposed to nor was it relevant. A boy interested in a girl romantically should notice those things. I wasn't interested in Bella that way so it wasn't necessary.

It had thrilled me to see Bella was actually smiling – my eyes had been drawn to the way her lips had curled up in amusement – but the feeling had only lasted for a moment because as soon as I'd been close enough to her I had spotted the bags under her eyes and the exhaustion that dimmed the deep chocolate brown of her irises.

She had looked so very tired but I hadn't commented on it because I knew she would deny it anyway.

Instead we had made small talk about our matching clothes and how manly I was. Strange topics that I had never discussed with anyone before, and I'd realized more and more as we'd stood there that the interactions I had with Bella were influencing me.

Even now, as I was desperate to reach Bella and she refused to pick up her phone, I remembered how strange it was to feel so comfortable with a girl.

It wasn't the comfort I felt around my mother or Rosalie. Or the polite way I interacted with Alice or Angela or some of my female peers at campus.

It was different. More playful. Like at lunch, when Bella had struggled with her chopsticks and out of nowhere I had snatched them from her and had successfully eaten my salad with them while Bella had picked at her sushi and spring rolls with my fork.

Playful and unnerving, especially because Bella's lawyer, James Brandon, had noticed and even commented on our behavior.

It was one thing to be her buddy; her friend. It was entirely different to be – or rather _feel_- this close to her. Especially when I didn't know what it meant. I supposed, that if I had to compare it – if it was appropriate to compare in any way – it felt like the friendship I'd had with Jacob. I knew it wasn't the same and that the context was different but no one had affected me the way Jacob – and his death - had years ago.

Lunch overall had been filled with a tension I had tried to reduce by trying to keep Bella in check. I found that James Brandon was pushing her and speaking to her like a lawyer would to his client.

I also knew Bella hated to be spoken to with a supposed arrogant authority and while I didn't quite know how I felt about James, I'd had instinctively sided with Bella and had asked James as many questions as possible to gain information and divert the attention away from her a bit. Also, Bella would never ask these questions because she was always too angry and sensitive about the topic of her looming court case and all the problems she experienced next to and because of that.

James had shared with us that a court date had been set.

January 10. Just a few months away. That's when fate would decide on Bella.

I sighed, trying her number again. But she didn't answer.

If only James hadn't brought up the suggestion of Bella pressing charges against the man who had raped her.

It wasn't like he didn't have a point. Whoever had harmed Bella deserved to face the consequence of his actions and be tried. But I believed there was a reason Bella didn't speak of this. A reason that had made her decide to keep the police out, a reason why a word like "rape" triggered Bella to lose her composure.

James had pushed a personal boundary and it had set Bella off. So much so that she had left us there, staring after her like two dumbfounded fools while the rest of the people having dinner murmured in speculation as to what could have caused the young girl's outburst.

I had excused myself almost instantly but James had stopped me, advising me not to run after Bella but give her space instead.

By the time I had kindly but firmly explained to him what it meant to be a buddy in the Redemption Program, Bella was nowhere to be found.

I could have let her go and pretend it was another day. I could simply stick to the routine of calling her every night – which, given the fact she was ignoring my calls now would have been pointless - but we were past the point of being newfound buddies in a life changing program. I was her friend and I felt she was partially my responsibility.

And so, after calling her an absurd amount of ten times in a few hours without any notification she was alright, I knew I needed to be bold and force a reaction. I needed to see more of Bella's surroundings; her life to understand Bella better.

In hopes of finding her at the only place I hadn't looked because I had never been there and it had never crossed my mind to go there without permission, I dialed a different number.

One that picked up instantly.

"Angela Weber speaking."

"Angela, hi. It's Edward. Edward Cullen. I need a favor."

* * *

I was standing in front of an unkempt apartment building in Rainier Valley. It had taken me nearly an hour to get here on my bike and now that I was about to go inside I wondered if it had been such a good idea to be impulsive and infiltrate into a part of Bella's life I hadn't been invited to.

I knew she probably would not appreciate me invading her personal space like this. She might even resent me. But I had to do it.

I opened the door to the building and noticed the handle was nearly coming off.

Inside there was a faint smell of urine mixed with alcohol. Overall it smelled musty.

I remembered Angela telling me she and Bella lived on the third floor; Bella on number 221 and Angela on 219.

I took a few tentative steps up the stairs; feeling out of place, like I was intruding. But I didn't have much of a choice – there was no turning back.

Three flights of stairs later I reached the floor Bella and Angela lived on.

I walked a little to the left, checking the numbers there when a door opened.

_215._

A tall guy with plenty of muscle walked out. He seemed to be of Native-American descent. His eyes were wide and a little vacant; his pupils dilated. Clearly he was under the influence of some kind of substance.

"Yeah?" he said brusquely, as if I was there to see him.

"I am looking for apartment 221," I said as calmly as I could. This guy looked like he could and would throw a punch and I didn't want to upset him by saying the wrong thing.

"That's Swan's apartment. What do you need from her?"

"I am a friend," I said quietly, trying to remain neutral so that I wouldn't set him off.

He frowned at my reason for being here but then he walked past me, past the stairs to the other side of the floor.

"This way," he muttered, "can't believe she is operating from home now."

It took me a moment to realize what this man meant by that and when it hit me I wanted to refute it, tell him it wasn't so. I was not here on business and definitely not the type of business Bella usually had.

But it felt pointless to deny it because that might lead to an unwanted discussion with a man I didn't know who might then assume that his assumption was correct. I didn't want to create any false gossip either, so I remained quiet and allowed him to believe whatever reason he had come up with in his own mind, even if it was likely to be something unholy.

"Here it is," he said icily as he leaned against the wall next to the door.

"Thanks."

I knocked on the door, turning my back to him, hoping he would take the hint and walk off.

He didn't.

After a few seconds I could hear movement behind the door before it flew open suddenly.

Bella blinked in surprise as our yes met but then her brow furrowed and her eyes turned angry.

"What the fuck are _you_doing here?"

I was taken aback and wanted to apologize but before I could Bella gently pushed me away and turned to her neighbor.

With one hand on her hip, she hissed, "Get the fuck away from my wall, Paul. I am so not in the mood for your shit and I don't want your drug infested cooties on my wall or on my friend. Now move asshole!" she ordered.

A part of me hated the vile things that were coming from her mouth but my heart warmed at the way she protectively called me her friend.

"Chill, Bella," 'Paul' said before walking away.

"Jerk," Bella muttered before turning to me.

"So, you want to tell me what the fu…dge you are doing here?"

I gave her a small smile, appreciating the fact she was at least trying not to swear.

"Well?" Bella said impatiently. She didn't look too pleased I was here and it also didn't look like she was going to invite me in.

"I may have called Angela…"

"Traitor," Bella muttered.

"Her or me?" I wondered curiously.

"Both of you," she said.

"Don't be mad. I was worried after you left so abruptly. I wanted to check up on you."

I flashed a gentle smile and noticed once again how tired she looked.

"You shouldn't be here."

"But I am."

"Fine. Come in then."

Surprise hit me when I entered Bella's apartment. From the outside, the building looked grim; in a state of decay. The staircase looked like it was about to crumble under the weight of the outdated construction and smelled like people used it as a toilet.

But inside Bella's apartment there was a strange unexpected lightness. It was small and as modest as my apartment but Bella had used more color and it was surprisingly bright.

It looked homely.

"This looks nice," I offered as I looked around.

Bella rolled her eyes and pointed at the worn out red futon. "If you wanna sit."

"Thanks," I said as I sat down on the edge.

Bella didn't sit down. Instead she paced around. Back and forth. The echo of her footsteps was loud in the uncomfortable silence.

"You want anything to drink?"

"No, no thank you."

"So…

…why are you here?"

"Like I said, I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Why didn't you call?"

I gave her a sad smile. "I did call. Several times. But you didn't answer."

"That's because I was annoyed with all the calls."

"Oh," I said, not knowing what else to say.

"Well, I am okay, so…" Bella hinted, looking at the door.

I wondered if that was a silent hint that she wanted me to leave.

"You weren't alright before," I pointed out.

"So? We all have our moments Edward," Bella chided me.

"Yes, but running off like that. Not answering your phone. It wasn't just a moment. And I am your friend, so I am allowed to worry."

Bella flashed me a smile but it wasn't exactly genuine.

"I am sorry about that. But really, everything is fine."

"You look tired," I said.

Bella sighed. A long irritated sigh. Like I was pointing out something that was very obvious to her.

"_I am_ tired," she deadpanned.

"Besides, look who's talking; you look tired too."

I mimicked her sigh and this caused a surprising reaction in Bella. She started laughing.

"We are such losers," she laughed.

I rolled my eyes playfully."Speak for yourself."

"Nu-uh, Cullen. You are a loser too."

"Thanks."

We both chuckled until silence took over again.

"You haven't been sleeping well?" I wondered.

Bella shook her head. "Not so much. You?"

"It's been a while since I have had a good night of sleep," I admitted.

"Yeah me too," Bella mumbled.

"Why do you have trouble sleeping?"

I knew the question seemed redundant but I was genuinely curious. I knew it made sense for Bella to have trouble sleeping with everything she had been through but I wanted her to tell me; _talk_ to me.

Bella gave me a long look before going off on a long rant that made very little sense.

"It's just that…fuc…fuck I am tired, you know.

"At night I can't sleep and then when I finally drift off there are these dreams. And they make no sense until they turn into nightmares."

"Nightmares?" I asked, worried. "Bad ones?"

"It doesn't matter," Bella muttered. "Just a part of my fucked up life."

"You swear when you get stressed or anxious." I remarked. "Is that when the nightmares appear too?"

Bella frowned, clearly confused about what I was getting at.

"I am not anxious," she said, "it's just the way I talk."

"Not all the time. And anxiety affects the subconscious as well."

"Are we having a discussion on my cursing or do you want to go Doctor Phil on me with your psycho-babble?" Bella said.

"I told you I wish you didn't swear. And I have no idea who this Doctor Phil is."

"Your desire to have me speak full sentences without swearing not going to make me fucking stop," Bella muttered, "and Doctor Phil may be a douche but he is very famous. Google him."

I decided to change the subject. "What are your dreams about? Are they at least good or peaceful?"

I couldn't be sure because I usually didn't pay attention to women blushing but surely there it was; Bella's cheeks spilled with a soft pink, like they had done before at the restaurant.

I knew I shouldn't care about what that meant. But for some reason - something unfamiliar I could not quite decipher – it mattered.

It was sort of appealing to see her blush.

It was wrong to find it appealing.

"Bella?" I pressed.

Bella's eyes snapped up to mine and I could pin point the exact moment they went from embarrassed to irritated.

"It doesn't matter. Can we just drop it?"

I nodded, knowing very well that pressing Bella was pointless.

"Of course," I offered, "I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"You didn't."

"Just know that if you want to talk, you can."

"I don't."

And that was all she was going to say about it.

Silence filled the small room once again and while Bella moved and fidgeted, unable to remain in one place or stand still, I looked around again.

I noticed there were no photos. None.

No mementos of happier times.

Probably because Bella had never known happier times.

Realizing this made me sad.

"Where is Angela tonight?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

Bella gave me a look that spoke volumes.

Angela was at work. Well…_work_.

"She is…?" I said

"Fucking some guy's brains out? Yes, probably. Lucky bitch."

I wasn't certain if I had heard right but it was shocking to hear Bella admit she envied Angela.

"You think she is lucky? Because she is allowing men to have intercourse with her for money?"

For a brief moment Bella's face fell and I noticed a hint of shame in her eyes. It was true; Bella did believe Angela was lucky.

"She gets to earn her own money. I am stuck with some sort of 'Help-A-Whore sponsorship deal'," Bella uttered sarcastically.

"Bella," I tried to explain, "you are entitled to those benefits because you are currently in the Redemption Program. Of course we do want to look for a new job for you in due time.

"But for the moment, to give you the opportunity and the space to get back on your feet and map out what you want to do, you should profit from getting these benefits," I stated.

"Well, these great benefits barely cover my ass. And I haven't seen a cent yet."

"I think it usually takes two weeks. We only filled in those forms last week remember?" I reminded her. "I am sure they are filed by now and you'll hear something soon."

"You know, I have rent to pay. Food to buy," Bella pointed out angrily.

"Is that why you didn't want to order lunch today? Because you couldn't afford it?"

"NO!" Bella spat defensively and that proved my assumption was correct. "I was just not hungry!"

"Alright," I said soothingly, "but if you have trouble with your finances, I could lend you some money."

"Fuck no!"

"But Bella…."

"I said NO! Damn. I have some savings, I won't starve. I just don't like having to hold up my hand for some money like a fucking beggar."

"Just until you are on your feet. It won't be forever," I reminded her gently.

"It better not be for fucking ever. If I don't find a job soon, I will go back to giving ten dollar blowjobs on the streets," Bella muttered and I knew she was not joking. It broke my heart a little to know she actually believed her solace lay in selling her body.

"You shouldn't think like that," I said.

"Why not?" she grumbled. "We both know there is no guarantee that I'll find another job. Nor another life."

I didn't know what to say to that. It was difficult to try and convince Bella that the Redemption Program would work and that I would do anything to help her be successful. Plus, there were no guarantees, like she had said. And making Bella promises was tricky because she had probably seen them get broken many times in her life.

I looked at her – really looked at her- and noticed how tired she looked. There was more to it than dreams and nightmares keeping her up. She was broken. Emotionally and mentally at her wits end.

"You are really exhausted, huh?" I stated softly.

I expected her to protest but she only let out a defeated sigh.

"I am. So fucking tired."

"Perhaps I should let you rest."

"No! Maybe you could stay for a while," Bella called before I could get up. "I just don't want to sleep yet."

I gave her a puzzled look.

"We could hang out," Bella suggested with a sheepish smile.

I nodded in understanding and agreement. "Okay, what would you like to do?"

Bella shrugged. "We could watch some TV," she said while pointing at the small black box on a side table in the corner. "I know it's an old piece of junk and I hardly ever watch but still."

Admittedly, I didn't watch TV most of the time either with the exception of some CNN on occasion.

"Sounds like a good idea," I agreed.

Bella handed me the remote."You find something to watch, I'll make us some tea. You like tea right?"

I smiled and nodded.

It was a surprise to learn she liked something as simple as tea. Isabella Swan may not be a complete mystery after all.

I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. Romantic movies, violent movies, dramatic movies. CNN with the latest update on the economic crisis.

They were all bad choices. I needed something neutral for us to watch.

Eventually I ended up with what seemed to be a cooking show.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Food was generic and safe. It wouldn't be offensive or uncomfortable to watch.

"What did you choose?" Bella wondered, briefly eyeing the screen, as she handed me a steaming mug of tea.

"I think it's a cooking show," I offered.

"Cool, it's the Food Network!" Bella approved with a smile.

"I love this shit. I mean, I don't watch often at night because well…"

She didn't have to say anything else. I knew very well what she meant. Normally she would be on the streets at this time of night, unable to lose herself in the simplicity of watching TV.

"I am a terrible cook." I offered. "Maybe I can learn a thing or two."

Bella snorted. "I can imagine you suck."

"Really?" I smiled. "And how is that?"

"College guy. Like you would ever cook. I bet you drop off your laundry at your mom, your bills go straight to your dad and you get dinner from fast-food restaurants," she teased.

"Not true," I grinned. "Well, I do _most_ of my own laundry. And I eat at my parents' house most of the time and sometimes cook something myself."

"Momma's boy," Bella countered with a smirk.

"What about you?" I wondered.

"I like cooking," Bella said quietly, "I mean, I don't cook a lot but I do like it. It's very basic. It's like you can create anything as long as you get the flavors right. And if you don't, you just throw it away. Little harm done, usually."

Bella's eyes sparkled when she talked about food. About cooking.

I realized she enjoyed it.

"You really like cooking?"

"I guess."

"Maybe we can find you a job where you can put that passion into practice."

"I am not going to work at a fucking MacDonald's," Bella warned teasingly, "and I wouldn't call it a passion."

"Your eyes sparkle when you talk about cooking. Surely you really like it."

Bella didn't counter that, she simply smiled.

We spent the rest of the evening watching TV and talking in between shows. Bella really did love the Food Network and I loved how she engaged herself in jotting down recipes and admiring the way the dishes looked when presented.

But time went quickly and all too soon, I knew I had to go home.

"I better go," I said as I got up from Bella's red futon.

"It is kinda late," Bella agreed, "you have classes tomorrow?"

"Yes, but only in the afternoon."

"So you get to sleep in a bit?"

"Maybe. Hopefully. If I am allowed some sleep."

"Yeah, sleep. That would be great."

Bella walked me to the door, offering me my jacket as I opened it.

"I had a good time," I smiled.

"Me too. I hope the Food Network has improved your skills a bit," Bella teased.

"Maybe we should put that to the test," I suggested, "I could cook for you."

Bella snorted. "Not a test you're likely to pass, College Boy.

"But maybe I can cook for you," she offered instead.

"I would like that."

"Well, I would say 'call me' but you already do that anyway," Bella joked.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," I promised.

"Good night Edward."

"Good night Bella. Lock up behind me."

Bella rolled her eyes at me but evidently did listen to me as I heard how she twisted the keys of her locks after she closed the door behind me.

Once I made it outside – surprised and relieved to find my bike in one piece - I realized that I had never spent an entire night with a girl before without the obligatory purpose of studying – though that hadn't really happened since high school – or during the family gatherings I had attended over the years.

Tonight had been different. Unexpected.

The feeling was unfamiliar and slightly scary. But not unpleasant.

I had enjoyed learning new things about Bella; to gain some insight into the pieces that made up her life.

But it was only small chunks. Little crumbs. Many times I simply had to guess or assume because Bella would not open up. There was still so much hidden.

The enigma that is Isabella Swan remained.

* * *

**A/N: ! Bring on The Wonder has been nominated for the Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards in the Hidden Gem category. It would make me really happy if you voted for it: http:/twinklingswfa(dot)com**

**For those who have voted, thanks so much!**

**- I am very proud to be a part of a New Countdown. Countdown to VDay The Misplaced love Letter: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6618121/1/**

**More information on here as well: www(dot)wix(dot)com/twilightfanfics/holidaycountdowns**

**Check out this blog: angst-thenewfluff(dot)blogspot(dot)com/ if you want recommendations on good angsty stories, inspiring debates on fanfiction and so much more. Mamasutra and Icarus own this blog and they have picked my brain on Bring on the Wonder with a Q&A - you'll find it on the blog in a couple of weeks.**

**- On this chapter:**

**I know for some this story is slow. It'll pick up its pace at some point but right now I am simply trying to connect Bella and Edward.**

**Some ask: when will this get romantic? Edward has literally never had romantic feelings towards a woman. Never-Ever. So...while we all see where this is headed for him, he is still holding on to everything he THINKS he knows. Fo Bella it is different. She is damaged goods. She might break when she learns how to love. Plus, these two are from completely different worlds. I simply can't ruin the premise by having them hook up and then regret it. I do hope people will understand. This is not fluffy but it is an E/B story and feelings will develop and be displayed when the time is right :)**

**- Side info:**

**If you want a feel/tour on Edward's School of Theology and Ministry campus, check this :/vimeo(dot)com/16001657**

**There is a Patrick Kelly, S.J., Ph.D. who teaches the actual Spiritual Discernment class at the School of Theology and Ministry. I don't know this man, nor is it relevant. Just a name and a general idea of what he does. A version of him (Peter Kelly) is used in the story because it shows the different teachings of the Catholic Church.**

**The Society of Jesus(Latin:**_**Societas Iesu**_**,**_**S.J.**_**and**_**S.I.**_**or**_**SJ**_**,**_**SI**_**) is a religious order of men called Jesuits, who follow the teachings of the Catholic Church. Jesuit priests and brothers — also sometimes known colloquially as "God's marines"[2]— are engaged in evangelization and apostolic ministry in 112 nations on six continents reflecting the**_**Formula of the Institute**_**(principle) of the Society. They are known in the fields of education(schools, colleges, universities, seminaries, theological faculties),intellectual research, and cultural pursuits in addition to missionary work, giving retreats, hospital and parish ministry, promoting social justice and ecumenical dialogue.**

**Evangelization is that process in the Christian religion which seeks to spread the Gospel and the knowledge of the Gospel throughout the world**

**I am taking a little creative freedom with Edward's education. Right now, he is in his final year. Men to be ordained need to be 25 . Bishops may dispense of this rule and ordain up until one year younger. So it is possible for Edward to be ordained quite soon after he gets his Master of Divinity degree. ****Possible…you never know what might happen.**

**As always I am humbled and amazed by the positive response to this story. It's a delicate theme and I hope I do it justice. Thanks for reading, reviewing and hopefully enjoying this story :)**

**Happy (upcoming) weekend!**


	16. Pressure Cooker

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. And there won't be lemon-y reasons for a while. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 15: PRESSURE COOKER**

"Isabella Swan."

Fuck. This was like high school all over again. _Isabella Swan, report to the principal's office._

"Isabella?"

"What?" I snapped.

"I asked you to tell me something about yourself."

I was sitting on a black leather sofa in a clean office that had been decorated in cool off-white tones.

Sitting across from me - eyeing me as if I was a fucking science project - was a slightly overweight Latina named Miranda Carmen.

Doctor Miranda Carmen. My shrink.

Well, technically she was a psycho-therapist and she had assured me that I wasn't here because I was crazy – no fucking shit – but she did look at me like I was something to study, someone to crack.

Well, _fuck me_, if I would allow that to happen.

I was pissed at this woman, who looked at me over the rim of her glasses as if she could read every goddamn detail about me. I was pissed at the concept of the Redemption Program because I didn't feel like I needed to be here. It was one thing to have issues and another to be a head case. I was not a fucking head case.

"Isabella?"

"I fucking heard you," I snapped. "I just don't know what to tell you."

Tapping the pen on her notebook, she looked at me. "And why is that?"

"Maybe there isn't anything to tell."

"Everyone has a story, Isabella."

Oh for the love of every fucking thing that was a cliché.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Tell me your story, Isabella."

Again with the "Isabella." I hated that fucking name. It reminded me of times when it was called all the time; where it meant no good whenever it was called.

Edward had called me Isabella once and I had immediately told him to call me Bella because I could not stand to hear my full name coming from a man who was good, as opposed to the ones who had called my name in disgusting breathy whispers or ear splitting shouts.

"Call me Bella," I demanded.

Doctor Carmen jotted something down and nodded. "Bella, it is."

"Now, why don't you tell me why you want to be called Bella."

I sighed. This chick was going to kill me.

That or I was going to fucking commit an actual crime that was premeditated and kill her.

"Because I fucking prefer it to my full name."

"I see. And why do you prefer it?"

"I just do. Why does it fucking matter?"

"It doesn't matter. But the fact it seems to anger you when I ask you about something as simple as your name tells me that it's a delicate subject."

I rolled my eyes. If this chick wanted to play her psycho voodoo on me, she had another thing coming. I was not going to be pushed into mind games just so that she could get off on an encouraged emotional breakdown.

"Whatever."

"Now, back to what I asked you before. Tell me something about yourself."

"Like what?"

"Anything you want to share."

"And if I don't want to share anything?"

"Then we won't get very far."

I stared at the ceiling. I stared at the window which didn't offer me a decent view. Seriously, why have a window when the view is a stone wall? No wonder she was a sucky shrink. People would get even more depressed when they'd be staring at monotone concrete for an hour.

I glanced around the room. Doctor Miranda followed my every move with her eyes but she didn't say a word.

The clock moved painfully fucking slow. So damn slow that it made me wish I could take a nap.

At least then my time would have been spent on something useful. Unless I would actually fall asleep and have a nightmare, which would be a welcome challenge for the brain picker sitting across from me.

"You're eyeing the clock a lot. I bet you can't wait for this to be over."

"No fucking shit."

"I know you don't enjoy talking about yourself. I can't fault you for that. No one does. But you have to understand one thing, Bella."

"And what the fuck is that?"

"For one, I am here to help you, even if you think I am part of some sort of big evil that's playing mind tricks on you.

"And two, you are not here for me. You are here for you. Because you want to share something that's causing you grief. Or maybe because you would like for me to help you figure out how you feel about certain things.

"The point is – and I cannot stress this enough – if you walk out of here and never come back, it won't affect me. I have plenty of patients who do appreciate my help and admit they need help to begin with. People I gladly invest my time in.

"I don't mind investing in you, even if you think it's cool to ignore me or say the word 'fuck' every other sentence. But ultimately, you are only disadvantaging yourself."

* * *

Edward Cullen was such a Drama Queen. With a capital D and Q.

We were walking through the aisles of a local supermarket close to his apartment after we had met up at a small coffee house in the neighborhood earlier. Edward had asked me about my first loony-session, but I had told him to fuck off.

In nicer words, of course because I was trying not to curse too much when around Edward. I fucking slipped sometimes, especially when I was frustrated but if it bothered him that much than I could at least try to tone it down.

While he pushed the cart I checked the grocery list I had made, trying not to get hit by carts or have my eardrums pierced by fucking screaming babies.

I hated public places like these. In fact, I couldn't really remember the last time I'd gone to a grocery store this size because there weren't a lot of decent sized stores around Rainier Valley that were not trashed by robberies or closed because no one was willing to get their ass shot during said robberies.

Besides, actual grocery shopping had never been a real necessity before because I used to eat little during the day – living on coffee, tea, water and the occasional instant soup, noodles or whatever Angela and I could find cheap around Pioneer Square - and if I was lucky, whatever Jasper would have left for us at the club when he brought stuff from one of his restaurants.

Nowadays, I would on occasion shop at a grocery store not too far from the apartment or go downtown on days I would meet Edward there anyway.

Today I was shopping because I was going to cook for Edward.

More specifically, I was going to cook him something I had seen on the Food Network the night before.

Can I just say thank whatever fucking religion or broadcasting mogul who created the deliciousness of the 24/7 cooking extravaganza that is the Food Network. Because that shit rules.

I was still having dreams mixed in with nightmares with the dream-parts filled with more Edward than ever, while the nightmares continued to suck me into a black hole I only managed to fucking resurface from soaked in sweat and sometimes fucking tears.

Whenever that happened – try every fucking night - it would be The Food Network that brought me comfort because it kept the demons away. Apparently my demons hated food as much as I loved it.

"Well? Got any more complaints," I teased Edward as he frowned at me. I had told him about what I would be making tonight and he didn't seem keen on what I'd present him with.

"I am just saying that I am not sure if I'll like spinach salad. When I was a child spinach used to make me gag," he turned to explain to me. "I haven't had it in years."

"All the more reason to try it."

We'd been having this discussion since I had told him I'd be cooking us a risotto with grilled mushrooms and a side of spinach salad. I had been looking forward to making this ever since I had watched Jamie Oliver make it a few nights ago.

I had tried to get Angela to eat with me but she was helping out at the community center and when Edward had called me two nights ago, I had blurted without thinking that I should cook for him on Friday just to escape his lame phone calls for a night.

He had chuckled at that. His phone calls weren't really lame, of course. They were something I had come to look forward to, which was kind of pathetic because it meant the rest of my days were quite craptastic.

And they were. During the night, TV could save me. During the day I would be so tired; my midday naps would always end in muffled screams in a pillow. Always the same face. The name whispers.

_Isabellaaaaa._

Anyway, I had teased Edward about calling promptly at 8:00 PM every night, calling it lame and predictable and suggesting he should spice it up.

Then, when he had called two nights ago at 8:03, declaring he was spicing it up I had dared him to be bold and let me cook for him.

To my surprise he had agreed with enthusiasm and I had figured he was happy to score a free meal.

But his initial enthusiasm had died down now that he knew what we'd be eating.

"What happened to spicing it up, being less predictable?"

"I am just saying that it would be a shame for you to cook a wonderful dinner and then have me gag all through it."

I grabbed a bottle of olive oil and put it in the cart he was pushing.

Because yes, Edward Cullen was a real gentleman too. He pushed and maneuvered the cart that slowly filled itself with groceries, following me as I looked for them.

"Seriously? How old are you? Do you always whine this much about food?"

"I am twenty-three," Edward answered smugly, which surprised me because he hadn't shared information about himself so candidly before. In fact, I didn't even know what he studied and often I had to pry for any kind of detail that would tell me something about Edward Cullen.

"Well, for a twenty-three year old, you are a whiner."

"I am just not very adventurous. Nor is my mother, mind you," Edward said. "Cooking is torture for her."

"She doesn't like cooking? I thought you said you have dinner with your family a few times a week?" I wondered.

"I do and she does cook sometimes. But she is just not very adventurous about it. Nor does she like it."

"But she bakes right? You said she makes you cakes and pies and stuff."

"Baking is more her thing, I suppose. But cooking a meal is a challenge."

"Too bad, you are missing out on great food."

"And I suppose you will make up for that by cooking me risotto and spinach salad."

"Yup," I nodded as I looked at the various kinds of mushrooms the store had to offer. I needed Porcini mushrooms.

"Even if I don't like spinach?"

"Especially because you don't like spinach," I teased.

"_Edward?"_

I turned the moment he did, looking at a boy that seemed like he was Edward's age, or maybe a little younger. He had dark black hair and his skin tone was russet, like he was a Native American or something.

"Seth?"

Edward apparently knew this guy.

"Hey, man. What brings you to this store? Mom not cooking for you tonight?" he joked.

Edward shook his head and smiled. "No, not tonight."

"Who's your friend?" Seth asked as he looked me over.

His question was met by silence on Edward's part.

I stood there with mushrooms in my hands, feeling fucking embarrassed when Edward didn't seem to make a move to introduce us. In fact, Edward's stance suggested he was feeling very uncomfortable.

Seth seemed to notice this too as he gave me a sheepish smile, before he decided to extend his hand.

"Hi, I am Seth," he grinned as he waited for me to shake his hand.

"Bella," I said in return as our hands touched – I hated sweaty palms - with no idea who this person was in relation to Edward.

"Edward and I go to school together," Seth clarified, as if he was a fucking mind reader.

I tried to smile and hope my face wasn't too flushed. "Oh, nice."

I gave Edward a sideways glance but he remained silent. It was obvious he was ashamed of being seen with me.

"I need to get some things from the list," I said before leaving the two boys standing there.

Trying to push down the annoyance I felt at Edward's behavior, I went off to find a pack of risotto.

I tried to focus on the labels because my annoyance was growing into anger; the type of anger that made me want to go back and tell Edward to go fuck himself and comparing the amount of calories in two packs was a much needed distraction.

I was just about to choose between two brands of risotto when I saw Edward coming up to me – his face flushed as he tried to keep from bumping the cart into a stock of cans.

"Here you are."

I remained silent. If he was ashamed of me than I would fucking pretend he was not there.

"What are you looking for?"

Silence.

I was good at this game because I had fucking played it often enough.

"Bella?"

I stared at the package intently, before I placed it in the cart and moved down the aisle.

"You're angry at me," Edward said as he matched my pace.

I snorted.

"Bella, please talk. You know I can't read your mind."

"Are you fucking ashamed of me?" I blurted out, spinning around to see his face.

Edward looked surprised at my question which had sounded like an accusation.

"Well? Are you?" I demanded angrily, having a hard time keeping my voice down.

Edward frowned – it seemed like he didn't even fucking understand what I meant - but then he shook his head.

"That's not it."

"Then why didn't you introduce me to your friend? It doesn't make sense for you to act weird about it, if you're not ashamed."

Edward sighed. "It caught me off guard. It's just that Seth and I only see each other around campus and not outside of it. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable and it was certainly not my intention to make you feel like I was ashamed of you.

"I should have handled it better," he admitted.

"You fucking should have."

"Will you forgive me?"

I rolled my eyes but decided to let it go.

Then a thought occurred to me and I flashed Edward a devious smile.

"I fucking forgive you, _if_ you eat my spinach salad without complaining."

* * *

"Are you going out?"

Angela watched me as I tried on a nice casual but slightly glamorous red sweater. I mean, it wasn't like it was fucking star-like and I could walk a red carpet with it, but I supposed it did look nice because it had a slight shimmering when the wool hit the right light.

But Angela was wrong. I wasn't going out. Not like that. This wasn't a date.

"It's no big deal; I am just making Edward dinner."

"Dinner, huh?" Angela grinned.

"Don't start," I warned her. "This isn't a fucking date."

"I didn't use the word 'date', Bella, so there is no need to get defensive."

"I am not."

"If you say so."

"So, you never told me, how did it go at the hospital?" I asked in hopes to distract her.

"Good. My CBC seems to have improved and there is this experimental drug which is as effective as a few of the dugs I am now taking combined but with fewer side effects," Angela said.

"That sounds good. It would be nice if you didn't feel so shitty from taking all these different pills."

"Yes, it does. Except that this stuff is more expensive," Angela explained.

"That sucks. Is there no way to get them anyway?"

"Well, I talked to Ben and he might be able to get them somewhere else but that would obviously be illegal and even more 'under the counter' than what we usually deal with."

"Ben will help you?" I asked, trying to repress a mocking eye roll.

"He said he would look into it."

"You will be careful, right?"

"Bella, don't start!" Angela sighed.

"I am just saying," I shrugged.

"Ben is a nice guy. I told you that," Angela pointed out.

Now I _had_ to roll my eyes.

"Yes, but he is also trying to fucking score you drugs that will cost you a butt load of money without a guarantee they are safe to take."

"Ben has never given me bad drugs," Angela muttered.

"That's because you are good for business. If they kill you, he won't have anyone to sell to," I pointed out.

"Not true."

"Fuck, Ang…this is an experimental drug. It's not been approved by the FDA."

"I'll be careful, okay. It's my body. I know what I can deal with," Angela assured me.

"Now, let's talk about this date of yours."

* * *

I stood awkwardly as I knocked on the door.

_Edward's door._

I took a few deep breaths as I clutched the notebook with the recipe to my side. The groceries – Edward and I had split the costs; even though Edward had protested that I "shouldn't spend money from my benefits when I was already cooking for him" - were already at Edward's apartment, he had taken them home after I had left him to get ready at my place.

The door swung open and Edward stood there, looking quite – dare I fucking say – delicious in dark blue stone washed jeans and a black t shirt.

"Bella!" he greeted me happily.

"Please enter," he grinned as he made a slight bow before gesturing for me to come in.

He held out his hand for the notebook and I handed it to him as I entered.

Edward's apartment was nothing like mine. Not on the outside – mine looked it was pissed on daily by God and it smelled the same way too, while his was relatively new and smelled clean.

And not on the inside either because I considered my apartment to be homely; even if it was a small place I had still managed to use the space wisely – while Edward's place looked clinical and grey.

_Impersonal_. It reminded me of Doctor Miranda's office a little.

"I take this is the book of magic? The book with all your secrets."

"It's not a unicorn diary, Edward," I snorted as I pulled off my coat – which gentleman Edward took instantly. "It's just my notebook with recipes."

Edward grinned. "Hmm, let's see…"

"Chocolate fudge cake…sounds good.

"Oh, and this one; Caesar Salad with special walnut dressing."

"I just write down the recipes I like," I said quietly, shrugging.

"That sounds nice. Like a food diary." Edward smiled. "Maybe you can cook me something else sometime if this is a success."

I nodded. "Maybe, But let's get on with this before we plan a next time. Did you put the mushrooms in the fridge? They need to be kept in a cool place."

Edward grinned. "Yes, miss. I didn't mess with the mushrooms. I didn't even tamper with the dangerous spinach," he winked.

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help but fucking smile. I liked this Edward. This Edward didn't belong in an apartment that looked so dreary.

"Show me the kitchen?"

* * *

"So basically, you gave her the silent treatment."

"No."

"Bella…"

I was washing the mushrooms, while Edward was slicing up an onion, some parsley and a stick of celery.

"She was being fucking obnoxious."

"She is a therapist," Edward countered. "This is important, Bella."

I put the colander down and sighed. "Don't start."

"I know it's hard for you," Edward tried, "but it's important you give Doctor Miranda a chance."

"You should've heard the type of questions she was asking me. I don't know where she got her degree but she shouldn't call herself a psychologist."

Edward stopped slicing and looked at me. "Bella, I know things will surface. Things you want to push down.

"But ultimately she can help you find perspective. Perspective and closure.

"She could help you put things behind you."

I looked away and stared at the notebook. The words were jumbled and started to get blurry because my eyes were prickling with tears.

"Bella," Edward said as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "Just give her a chance."

I breathed in deeply as I tried not to fucking panic on the fact Edward was touching me.

He had touched me before and both times I had definitely freaked out and this time was only different because I willed it to be.

I took another deep breath and Edward's hand left my shoulder.

Relief flooded through me though tension still hung in the air between us.

"Good thing you didn't mess with the spinach," I said, my voice shaky and slightly hoarse.

"I wanted to, but I knew you would not forgive me if I did," Edward said with a smile.

I was glad he went along on changing the subject instead of grilling me on things I didn't want to share.

I gave him a small smile in return. "I forgive you. But next time we run into a friend of yours that is not used to seeing you in a different setting, I am telling them I am your girlfriend."

The words fucking slipped from my mouth before I realized how stupid it sounded. I had known Edward no more than a few months and in that time we had been through a butt load of things that were neither romantic nor gave any indication that we could ever be romantic.

I didn't even want to.

Edward didn't laugh as he looked at me. In fact, he almost looked pained. His eyes were soft, but behind them there was conflict. A struggle to control whatever emotion was burning inside him.

There was something in those jade orbs that I had never seen before.

For a moment I thought he would lean in and kiss me, or maybe whisper strange declarations and promises in my ear. But I knew Edward was not the fucking type to do that. Instead he stared at me and then his eyes lowered.

To my neck and then my chest. I bet he was ogling the way my red shimmery sweater covered my boobs. His eyes wandered down my waist and the black jeans that accentuated every curve.

His eyes lingered on the floor before his head snapped up and our eyes locked in again.

I wanted to smile, or maybe lean in and suggest for us to skip dinner. Maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe he finally realized what I could offer him.

If Edward was looking for seduction, then that's what I would give him.

He only had to say the words and I would get on my knees and give him pleasure far greater than fucking mushroom risotto with a spinach salad side dish.

But the request never came because a knock on the door broke the spell. If that's what it fucking was.

I straightened up instantly while Edward gave me a sheepish but uncertain smile.

"I better get that," he said, his voice unsure.

I went back to cutting the mushrooms and hoped that whoever was at the door wouldn't see me fucking blush. It was already bizarre to be here and act all gooey and normal, as if I wasn't a fucked up whore and he wasn't the innocent college boy who believed he could save me.

_Oh please Bella. That was not innocent. A minute ago you were convinced he wanted you to give him a blow job but was too afraid to ask. If that's not typical whorish behavior, what is?_

"Eddie!" a booming voice sounded from the hall way. I couldn't help but grin at that. There was some sort of fucking irony attached to the idea of someone calling prim and proper Edward "Eddie".

Whoever this was, they sure had a fucking sense of humor.

"Emmett?" Edward's voice sounded near the door. There was no doubt there was fucking confusion laced in it. Like he hadn't expected him there.

To be fair, the moment I heard Edward call his brother's name, my heart started hammering like I was about to croak on a heart attack.

Edward's brother was here. He would see me here. Edward's brother who wanted to be a priest was here and he would see _me_; _the whore_.

I looked for a hole in the ground that would fucking swallow me whole but no such fucking luck.

If Edward would let his brother in then he would see me. And the last thing I wanted was for a wannabe priest to see me and lecture me on who I was and what I did with my life.

"Well, don't invite me in or anything. Let me stand outside, why dontcha?"

"What are you doing here?"

"_What,_ I need an excuse to see my baby brother now?"

"I am not your baby brother. There is barely a year between us."

"No need to get technical, Eddie. Now let me in."

It was quite fucking amusing to hear them go at it. They had a nice rapport. Listening to it, I had to admit that I was surprised that Emmett seemed to be the loose and fun one while Edward was serious and slightly brooding. I mean, I fucking knew he had plenty of humor but it seemed that when talking to his older brother, Edward was outshined by Emmett's quick wit.

"Now is not a good time," Edward protested. I didn't dare peek around the corner to look at what was going on, but Emmett's exasperated sigh meant that he was not going to take no for an answer.

"Do you have company?"

Edward remained silent and it fucking stung a bit, the fact he didn't want his brother to see me probably meant he was ashamed of me – _again._

The thought of that almost made me want to march out of the kitchen in defiance.

_Again._

But I fucking didn't because it was one thing to be introduced to a college buddy and another to meet his brother who wanted to be a priest and risk being lectured by someone on religion.

No fucking thank you.

Instead I waited and hoped that Edward would save the situation by acknowledging me without letting his brother in.

But silence remained until Emmett let out a howl and slapped something. I don't know if it was Edward he slapped or if he was doing a strange male ritual that would probably look as lame as it sounded.

"You do. You have a chick in here. I knew it…I. Knew. It!_"_

"Emmett, please," Edward pleaded.

"Nuh-uh, dude. I am coming in. I want to see the girl that stole your virginity!"

_Virginity?_ Was that a joke? I snorted. It wouldn't make sense for Edward to be a virgin.

Emmett's voice sounded closer and I knew he had entered the apartment. For a moment I wondered if I should hide somewhere – though there was really little room to hide around here – but then I decided to suck it up and force Edward to acknowledge me.

I stepped out of the kitchen, the moment Emmett dropped his jacket on a chair.

His head shot up at the sound of my footsteps and when our eyes met I could tell he was checking me out the way any man would. He was assessing someone physically. Determining if they would be a good fuck.

_Gotcha now, Father,_ I thought.

This fucker was no different than any of the other fuckers who claimed they believed in God and respected women. Ultimately a guy used the head on his cock to think, not the one attached to his neck.

Only Edward had ever responded differently to me, though our little moment in the kitchen before Emmett had interrupted proved that he too might be attracted to me.

"Hi," I said quietly, looking past Emmett to try and catch Edward's eye. But he refused to look at me.

Of course, he was ashamed of me. Ass.

"Heya! I am Emmett. Something smells amazing in there. Are you cooking?"

"I am," I nodded. "I am Bella by the way."

It was barely noticeable but I saw how Emmett's face fell a little at my introduction and he looked back at Edward for a second, before turning to me again, his wide cheeky grin back in place.

"Looks like your brother has forgotten all those prim and fuc…um proper manners. You could have done the introductions Edward," I scolded him.

Emmett nodded. "Sounds like Edward to be all weird. Typical."

"How do you feel about risotto and spinach salad? Edward is worried it might make him gag but you seem like a man with a healthy appetite."

It was mean and manipulative to embarrass Edward in front of his brother like this but if he refused to treat me with decency then I would do the same. Especially after what had happened at the store earlier. No matter how pitiful it was.

"I dig anything that's properly cooked. I am so in, Bella!"

* * *

I had to admit that for a priest-to-be Emmett was actually really funny and nice. It surprised me but with my prejudice against religion I had expected him to be more like…

More like Edward.

Maybe the universe had a cruel sense of irony with Edward being the guy who was serious and sometimes in desperate need of a stick-from-ass removal and Emmett being the priest with a sense of humor.

"This is awesome. Did I mention how awesome this is?"

Oh and yeah, Emmett enjoyed my cooking, while Edward was pushing spinach salad around on his plate.

"I am glad you like it," I said with a smile.

Emmett flashed me a grin before he turned to look at Edward.

"Djeez, this is such a flashback to when we were kids. Eddie here wouldn't eat anything that looked green. I can't believe he actually turned out alright," Emmett teased as he ruffled Edward's hair.

"I am going to get some water," Edward announced, ignoring his brother's teasing.

"Really he is in there to get past some girly cry moment," Emmett winked.

"I better check on him. Be right back."

I went into the small kitchen, where I found Edward leaning against the counter, slowly sipping his water.

"Are you okay?" I asked sheepishly, knowing perfectly well Edward was annoyed with his brother.

"Fine," Edward said quietly.

"If you say so," I muttered, now getting annoyed myself with Edward's dismissal. "I am gonna go back to your brother."

"I am sorry," Edward said, stopping me. "I didn't expect him to show up here."

He placed his now empty glass in the sink and sighed. "It's strange, he never shows up. At least not unannounced. Why tonight of all nights," he mused.

"You are ashamed of me, aren't you? I know you said you weren't before but you seem to have trouble introducing me to people."

Edward gave me a sad smile. "I am not ashamed of you. I might be ashamed of him. He is so….loud."

I chuckled. "He is spontaneous."

"I don't like how I am supposed to play big brother-little brother with him."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to fucking do," I countered.

"I can't ask him to leave," Edward mused. "That would be rude and would probably earn me a reprimand from my mother. And those are never good."

I laughed. "Emmett doesn't seem to be the type to run to mommy."

Edward laughed with me. "Trust me, he is."

"HEY!" Emmett's voice boomed from the living room, "What are you guys up to? No hanky-panky in the kitchen!"

Edward and I both smiled sheepishly. "We better go. Don't want Emmett to get the wrong idea," I said.

Edward suggested for me to go first and once I passed him he followed after me.

"I hope the kitchen is still clean?" Emmett winked. His innuendo surprised me. A priest making sex jokes? Weird.

Emmett was lounging in his chair, leaning back as he rubbed his stomach contently.

"You're a wicked cook, Bella."

"Thanks," I smiled. "I am glad you liked it."

"I sure did," Emmett grinned as he leaned forward. "What about you, Eddie? Do you like Bella's cooking?"

There were two things I could do. One, I could pretend that I hadn't heard Emmett's question and not look at Edward. Or two – and this was definitely preferable to support my curious side, look at Edward and demand an answer with my stare.

What fucking bothered me a little was that I cared what he thought.

"Well, Eddie?" Emmett pressed.

"Bella is a very good cook," Edward said softly, ignoring Emmett as he flashed me a smile.

I couldn't help but smile too.

"Aww, isn't that cute. Look at you two smiling.

"Have you finally decided to go after a girl?" Emmett asked curiously.

"I mean, I admit I was skeptical when you spoke of Bella's past…profession – no offence Bella –and that program, but it seems like you two get along just fine."

_Past profession?_ Edward had fucking told Emmett? The wannabe priest? I mean, I wasn't surprised and had expected as much but it still bothered the fuck out of me.

Especially because Emmett was blunt enough to bring it up. Discretion was not a word in his dictionary.

"Emmett, don't!" Edward warned.

"No, that's okay," I countered angrily. "Since you fucking told him anyway, he might as well get off his chest whatever he's feeling. Got any priest-prostitute jokes you wanna share?" I hissed at Edward's brother.

Emmett looked guilty and shook his head. "I didn't mean to offend you. I am sorry if I did.

"Edward told me very little. He just explained you needed help."

"Edward is exaggerating," I muttered. "I may need a change of career, but it's not like I am nuts or anything."

Emmett gave me a smile. "I think it's cool you are willing to change."

I snorted. I was not willing to change. I was being forced into it.

"Willing is a strong word," I muttered. "More like I have to."

"Still, it's brave."

I shrugged.

"Emmett, shouldn't you go home?" Edward asked impatiently.

I rolled my eyes, which Edward caught. It annoyed me Edward was so desperate to keep people away from me. Or me away from people. Especially after he had told Emmett about my choice of career without my permission.

It did surprise me Emmett was so laid back for a guy who was head to toe dabbling in holy water. If more priests were like him, I might consider not hating religion so much.

"Nah, it's cool. Rose and mom are out. Some chick flick. Some dinner. Buying baby stuff, I guess."

Rosie? I frowned. I had never heard of her. I didn't recall Edward and Emmett having a sister.

"Rosie?" I asked curiously.

Emmett grinned and pulled out his wallet and held it open in front of me.

It was a picture of a broadly smiling tall, blue eyed girl – type: supermodel - with shiny blonde hair, wearing a fucking expensive wedding dress with Emmett standing next to her in a tux.

A wedding picture.

"This is Rosalie, my wife. We're having a baby in about five months."

_Wife. Baby?_

_Fuck._

Would a guy who wanted to be a priest be married? And become a fucking father?

_No.  
_

But maybe he changed his mind. Or maybe he was really progressive.

_Don't be stupid Bella. You know the answer._

_No._

I forced myself to ask anyway.

"Emmett?"

"Yes?"

"What do you do; are you still studying, like Edward?"

_Please tell me you are a very progressive modern future priest. _

Emmet chuckled. "Hell no. My college days are over. I am a self employed contractor."

_Fuck._

* * *

**A/N: ! Bring on The Wonder is nominated for the Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards in the Hidden Gem category. http:/twinklingswfa(dot)com **

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**Check out this blog: angst-thenewfluff(dot)blogspot(dot)com/ if you want recommendations on good angsty stories, inspiring debates on fanfiction and so much more. Mamasutra and Icarus own this blog and they have picked my brain on Bring on the Wonder with a Q&A, check it out http:/angst-thenewfluff(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/q-with-authors(dot)html**

**- On this chapter:**

**Want to eat what Priestward, PottymouthBella and Emmett ate? http:/jonoandjules(dot)wordpress(dot)com/2011/01/16/jamies-30-minute-mushroom-risotto-and-spinach-salad/**

**So...Bella finally knows who the Priest2B is. Edward will tell us next how the news was received. **

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**Happy Sunday!**


	17. Son of a Preacher Man

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. **

* * *

**CHAPTER 16: SON OF A PREACHER MAN**

"Look, how adorable!"

My mother was holding up an onesie.

It was green and had little yellow ducks on it.

It indeed looked adorable and I understood why my mother was swooning over the tiny piece of fabric. But to me it was nothing but a cloth that might be worn by my future nephew or niece at some point. I simply could not imagine anything beyond technicalities about a baby being born in a few months; unlike my mother, who was picturing holding her future grandchild wearing that particular onesie. Clearly she was very excited about becoming a grandmother and her exuberance illustrated that.

"Nice," I commented absentmindedly as I drummed my fingers on the counter of the breakfast bar.

It was Sunday morning and I was sitting in my parents' kitchen. My father had already left because he was leading Sunday mass today and Father Masen had been out of town most of the week again, so he was unable to do it.

From what I had gathered from a conversation I'd had with my father earlier in the week, there was some sort of trouble in Louisiana. My father hadn't shared any specifics but I suspected it was serious because it was taking up a lot of Father Masen's time. This was the second time in a few weeks that he was out of town to "deal" with something.

My mother handed me a mug of steaming tea and continued to tell me the story of her shopping trip with Rosalie while I tried to pay attention.

"I wanted to buy an entire nursery bedding set – there was this gorgeous cream colored set with light green bedding, perfectly unisex - but Rosalie thought it would be best to wait. She and Emmett are having an ultrasound in a few weeks and they might find out the sex of the baby then."

I nodded again as I traced the outline of the mug, trying not to burn my fingers on the steam from the hot water inside it.

"Speaking of gender; Emmett wants a boy, but Rosalie doesn't care. As long as the baby is healthy, that is all that matters to her."

I heard the words and continued to nod because it would give the impression I was listening to my mother and what she was saying but it wasn't easy. My head was full of thoughts that had nothing to do with babies and nursery sets. I wasn't thinking about the health or the gender of the baby.

My mind was filled with Bella.

For multiple reasons.

For one, I was thinking about the awkward dinner we had on Friday night and the interference of my brother and how his company had conflicted with the quiet meal Bella and I had planned.

Emmett was spontaneous and quite "out there", especially compared to me. He was easy going and spoke his mind without a verbal filter. In a way he resembled Bella and I wasn't incredibly worried about the probability he had offended Bella with his presence because as far as I had observed she had even seemed to like him.

Ultimately, I supposed, dinner had mostly been very awkward for me. Not just because of Emmett crashing the dinner but mostly because of what happened before he had arrived.

That was another thing occupying my mind. The little moment in the kitchen between Bella and me; a moment that I still couldn't really make sense of.

One moment we had been joking about spinach and then quite out of the blue Bella had threatened to tell people she was my girlfriend if I would ever act awkward about introducing her to people again.

_Girlfriend. _The word had been unfamiliar and surprising even if it had been just a joke.

It had caused something deep inside me to react to the word and the meaning behind it.

Bella would _never _be my girlfriend. Under no circumstances. If I hadn't given away my heart and soul to God already and I had been a guy who would want a girlfriend, Bella and I would still be on the opposite sides of two very different spectrums. We wouldn't be suitable regardless of my future plans.

Besides, I really wasn't a guy who was available to have a girlfriend. It was not part of who I wanted to be.

So why was I still thinking about that moment? What did it matter that I remembered every detail of how Bella's chocolate eyes had penetrated mine with an intensity that had frightened me. That the moment the word "girlfriend" had escaped her lips she had looked embarrassed before the look in her eyes had shifted to something more primal and wanting. A look that had frightened me the most.

I distinctively recalled how she had gazed at me like I was some sort of a wanted toy. She had even licked her lips and batted her eyes a little, almost as if she had been ready to seduce me. In that moment I had desperately wanted to read her mind to find out what she was thinking.

Time had stood still and the outside world hadn't mattered. So many emotions were reflected in Bella's eyes and just as I had wanted to open my mouth to ask her what was going on, a knock on the door had interrupted us and the moment had passed.

Now all that was left was the awkwardness of the dinner with Bella and my brother and the afterglow of musing what that moment in the kitchen had truly meant. My mind hated to think it had romantic significance because there was nothing romantic between Bella and I.

And I wasn't in denial about that.

It would be impossible to regard Bella in that way. We were friends and that friendship was based on Bella's need for a supporting factor in her life that could help her turn things around.

It was preposterous to think that a romantic relationship was what she was after. I certainly was not looking for it.

_But why was she looking at you like that in the kitchen the other night? Like you could be lovers?_

I had no answer for that.

"Edward?"

I pulled myself out of my thoughts and gave my mother a sheepish smile.

"Sorry."

"Are you alright, dear?"

I nodded. "Yes, I was just thinking."

"About what? You seemed miles away."

My mother was still holding the little onesie for her first grandchild and stroked the fabric lovingly.

"Emmett stopped by the other night," I said. "When you were out shopping with Rosalie."

My mother gave me a smile, but it wasn't her typical motherly smile. It was a different kind of smile.

A _knowing_ smile.

"Yes, Emmett told me. He met your friend Isabella too, right?"

Her smile grew a little wider at mentioning Bella's name.

"She cooked us dinner," I said. "Emmett decided to invite himself."

My mother rolled her eyes lovingly. "Emmett and food," she said.

"Yes. _Emmett and food_," I muttered in repeat.

"How did Isabella feel about meeting your brother? He can be quite lively and cheerful at first sight."

"And at second sight and third." I added, knowing all about my brother's spontaneity. I admired him for it as much as it irritated me at times. "I think Bella didn't mind him though."

My mother shook her head smiling, as she poured herself another cup of tea.

"Yes, he is spontaneous indeed. He did mention that Isabella was nice."

"She is," I agreed.

"He also mentioned you two have formed quite a bond?"

It sounded less like a question and more like a probing for information, which surprised me because my mother was usually not very curious and always waited for me to open up myself.

I gave her a strange look, pondering on what she meant.

"We are friends. I am her buddy."

My mother gave me a gentle pat on the hand. "I know you are helping her. But Emmett said you looked quite close."

I wondered what Emmett could have possibly told my mother because whatever he meant by "we looked quite close", it was simply not there. There was nothing romantic between Bella and I, but my mother's grin suggested she believed there was.

"What did Emmett tell you exactly?"

My mother put the onesie back into the bag labeled "Baby Gap" and turned to face me. There was still a hint of a smile playing on her lips but her eyes were more..._calculating?_

"Emmett simply pointed out that you and Isabella get along very well. You have to admit that it's not often that you spend time with a girl. Your brother is probably just surprised."

Of course. Such a typical Emmett thing. He had never understood why I chose a life of abstinence and if befriending and helping Bella was the closest I'd get to being "normal" in his eyes, then he would be very pleased. And surprised.

"Are you?"

My mother gave me a sweet smile before she leaned in to ruffle my unruly hair.

"It's a very kind thing you're doing. Helping Isabella through this. Your kindness doesn't surprise me. You have always been a very gentle soul."

"But?" I asked, knowing there was an actual "but" coming.

"Interacting on this level with a girl must be new to you. You can't deny that. But you seem to connect with Isabella effortlessly."

I stared at my mom, not sure of what to say. Was it effortless?

It was certainly not easy to connect with Bella. Sometimes she would pull away abruptly, leaving me without any means to pull her back.

But in other ways, during days when our rapport was easy and light and she allowed me to get a little closer to her, it was indeed quite effortless.

It was not a constant though.

"It's not always easy," I told my mother.

"Well of course not. But for someone who's never been so close to a girl before, you manage quite well. Especially because she probably is not the easiest person to deal with, given all that she has been through."

"But it's not romantic," I said. "I don't know what Emmett told you besides what his observations may have been, but we are not involved romantically."

My mother gave me a look that didn't hide her surprise at my words.

"I never said it was, Edward. You have future plans that leave no room for romance. No one is expecting you to change that based on the fact you spend a little time with a girl now. You have wanted to become a priest for so long."

A very large part of me embraced my mother's words as true but a small nagging part, somewhere inside me, hidden deep and buried underneath the rationale that was the truth I had always known, begged to differ. It was too small to make its protests fully known but the uneasiness that bubbled up in the pit of my stomach was enough to unsettle me.

Becoming a priest was what I wanted. I wanted to help Bella too but mostly and unconditionally I wanted to become a priest. The two didn't completely go hand in hand because one had been a recent choice, while the other had been a constant perspective for most of my life.

But the two did connect. As a man of deep faith, I wanted to help people find God, get closer to Him and embrace their faith so it could give them comfort. The best way to do that was to devote my entire life to serving God and spreading His word. The fact it also put me in a position befitting to help Bella was wonderful and I would do my best to help her.

But it was just that. Nothing more.

"I am going to get ready for church, dear."

My mother gave me one more smile before she left me alone.

My mind wandered back to what had occurred between Bella and I Friday night when we'd been cooking. And then to my mother's words of how I seemed to connect to Bella effortlessly.

I was certain I didn't feel _that_ way about Bella, even if she occupied plenty of my thoughts.

And even if that would change some day – and I knew it wouldn't but for argument's sake I entertained the thought briefly – I owed it to Bella to put her needs first.

And her needs were definitely not romantic.

* * *

Mass was crowded like it was every Sunday. That was not unusual.

I was seated behind Mrs. Bradley, whose hair was fluffed up so high I had a hard time looking past her to focus on Father Banner and my father, who were standing behind the pulpit.

That was also not unusual.

Reflecting in silence during the opening prayer and paying attention to the Lectionary proved to be a challenge today.

_That was_ unusual.

My love for God was so dominant in my daily routine, so palpable in everything I did that it surprised me that I was having such a hard time concentrating today.

My father's words were always thoughtful and helped me reflect and see perspective when I mirrored them to my own action but today was different. Mrs. Bradley's hair distracted me. I felt irritation at the way my father's voice echoed through the church, chiming off the glass of the tall altar.

Sunday mass was usually the event I looked forward to the most during the week. I loved the stories; I loved the sense of being in His house, to be so close to Him.

But sitting here today, I felt strangely anxious. It was like I couldn't breathe properly and it was a relief when an hour had passed and mass ended.

I greeted a few familiar faces before excusing myself to go and find Father Masen. We had agreed to meet today after mass last week and while he had been out of town all week, he hadn't canceled, so I assumed that despite the fact he had been absent during mass, he would still be able to see me.

His office was closed and no light peeked from under the door, so perhaps he was still out of town after all. But surely Mrs. Cope would have let me know if this were the case. She was by no means his official secretary but she did manage part of the administration and would know if he was back from his trip yet. Given the fact she liked to meddle, I was sure she would have told me.

Taking a deep breath that held all the frustration I felt, I slumped against the wall.

It had been weeks since I had been able to speak to Father Masen and I was quite desperate to talk to him. I hadn't realized how much until now. It had been too long and I needed his guidance. Being with Bella had certainly taken up a lot of my time.

"Edward?"

My head snapped up at the sound of my name and relief flooded through me when I noticed Father Masen coming down the hall.

I gave him a faint smile and straightened up as he approached me.

Feeling a little awkward that he caught me loitering, I smoothed my collar and flashed him another sheepish smile.

"I wasn't certain if you would be back from your trip yet," I told him.

"I came back this morning. Your father was kind enough to lead mass with Father Banner, so I could take a nap," he winked as he opened the door and gestured for me to go in.

"How was your trip?" I asked conversationally. "I hear there was some trouble in Louisiana?"

Father Masen sat down behind his desk and sighed audibly as he moved a stack of files to a small cabinet behind him. The purple bags under his eyes betrayed his exhaustion. Evidently the trip had taken its toll on him.

"It was long and fruitless, I am afraid. But l won't bore you with that. Tell me how you've been."

His eyes scrutinized me but he wasn't judging. He was genuinely curious.

"I have been alright. Quite busy."

"You look a bit tired, if you don't mind me saying."

I'd heard the comment on my wellbeing multiple times over the past weeks so I was used to the observation. But it was getting ridiculous to have to explain how I felt constantly. I was tired and I got little sleep. But mostly I had no idea how I felt. I was confused and my nights were still filled with thoughts and worries.

"Yes, being busy means I get less sleep."

Father Masen nodded. "How's your dissertation coming along?"

_My dissertation_. I had tried to work on it as much as I could but the attempts I had made had all been feeble because my mind wandered too easily and most of my time was devoted to Bella.

I wasn't exactly behind yet and had more than enough time to get on track and finish it in time – the deadline was months away – but given the fact I had yet to schedule a new appointment with my dissertation counselor Kate Smith meant I was slacking.

And I never slacked on anything. But lately, my priorities had shifted.

"It's coming along," I hedged uneasily. It felt like I was lying to Father Masen, which in a way I supposed I was.

"And your volunteer work? I checked the schedule for volunteer spots during Bible Week. Your name wasn't there."

National Bible Week was a few weeks away and I knew that Alice was basically organizing the entire thing. The community center and the parish hosted activities like bake sales, book markets and read-alongs and every year I volunteered at several stands and events but this year I had yet to sign up.

"I have been too busy to stop by the community center and discuss it with Alice. But I'll give her a call."

"If you are too busy, Edward…it's no shame to skip a year," Father Masen pointed out.

I shook my head. I liked volunteering. I loved the joy of the participants when they joined in on the activities during Bible Week and I wanted to participate myself.

"I want to," I assured him. "I'll contact Alice," I promised.

Father Masen gave me a smile but it wasn't a smile that touched his eyes. In fact, a crease laced with worry formed between his eyebrows.

"Edward, I know we haven't seen much of each other lately, because we have both been quite busy. But please do not forget you can talk to me about anything."

"I know that."

"Good."

The silence that followed was not comfortable. In fact it was pensive and deafening.

After a few minutes- in which he shot me a few glances and I drummed my fingers on my knee anxiously – Father Masen scraped his throat before speaking.

"You haven't been to confession for a while."

There was no judgment in his words, no condemnation. He was simply stating a fact. Because it was true. I had "skipped" a few confessions and there was no excuse for it. The truth was that I had never felt comfortable confessing to Father Banner and with Father Masen's absence it would have been a perhaps understandable but obviously wrong excuse to skip confessions until Father Masen was back.

"There is no excuse," I admitted with shame. "I could say I was very busy and I was and I could point out I don't feel comfortable confessing to Father Banner but those would not be valid answers.

"There is no excuse," I repeated, sighing as I hung my head in appropriate embarrassment.

"I know I haven't been around much and that you don't feel comfortable confessing to Father Banner. I respect that. But, having said that, I do have to admit I am somewhat disappointed Edward," Father Masen told me.

My head snapped up and I was certain my eyes were wide with shock.

"Disappointed? Why?"

"I encouraged you to do charity work, to guide others," he started to explain.

"And I have," I countered before he could continue.

Father Masen nodded in agreement. "Yes. Your father told me you've been very invested in the Redemption Program.

"And in the girl, of course."

I frowned, not sure what he was getting at. His voice was still gentle and not at all accusatory and yet I couldn't help but feel like I was getting a stern wag of the finger because I was investing in helping Bella.

"You told me Bella was godsend. That helping her was like a mission. Part of the road to becoming a priest," I pointed out, slightly exasperated.

"Yes, I did. Do you remember the other thing I told you…?"

I remembered.

"You warned me for her not to become a temptation and how that in itself would be a test for me."

"And?"

"And…what?"

I tried to make sense of what Father Masen meant and before he explained, it hit me.

He thought I was going to falter. He had warned me that helping Bella would bring forth emotions I had never dealt with and I realized he was right.

He thought that Bella was becoming a temptation for me.

I could understand why he would assume that. All the recent changes in my life, all the things I had started doing differently; from missing confessions, church and family activities to strange moments between Bella and I like the one we'd experienced in my kitchen the other night – they were all emotions I had never felt before.

And the changes were happening beyond my control, without me even realizing the full impact of them.

But there was also a part of me that still wanted to hold on to the life before Bella. That's why I had acted awkwardly when we'd run into Seth at the grocery store. That's why initially I hadn't wanted her to meet Emmett.

Not because I was ashamed of Bella. I wasn't. It was just very difficult to reconcile my old routine with my new one and find a good balance between them.

"Bella won't become a temptation to me."

_"And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."_

I blinked and nodded. I understood the reference.

Don't let Bella become the forbidden fruit.

* * *

It was 9:15 PM. I knew this because I had tried to call Bella five times in the last hour. It could have been ten or twenty but I'd held back because I didn't want to upset her more than she probably was already.

I believed she was upset; she wasn't picking up her phone even though she knew what time I called every night – she had commented on my punctuality – she was now ignoring my call.

Turning off her phone was convenient; it was deliberate and I had to admit it was making me a little angry.

Bella had a childish streak. One that made her ignore me or hideaway if I angered or wronged her.

It had happened at the hospital, then when she had ran from the lunch with James and now too.

I had a vague idea as to why she was refusing to speak to me this time. It probably had to do with our conversation on the phone last night.

She had seemed fine on Friday when she had bid me goodbye after dinner. Since Emmett had decided it was perfectly acceptable to hang on my sofa and make himself comfortable I'd had no opportunity to talk to Bella alone and apologize for my brother's inability to pick up on social cues and leave when necessary. At one point it had gotten late and Bella had excused herself to go home. Emmet had waved goodbye before lounging on my sofa for another hour, talking about his unborn child. That had been nice but I would have preferred spending time to get to know Bella better, just so that I could understand her better.

We had spoken on the phone last night and that conversation had not gone as planned.

"What did you do today?"

Bella's audible sigh had spoken volumes. Whatever she had done during the day, it hadn't entertained her very much.

"Angela has offered to participate in a bake sale of some kind. I went with her to buy stuff."

Her voice had sounded tired and perhaps even a little defeated but I had figured that she was exhausted from another sleepless night.

"The church bake sale," I had piped in, because my mother had told me about it on the way to mass this morning.

"I thought it was being organized by the community center?" Bella had questioned. "Angela said Alice had asked her."

"Yes," I had told her. "Alice is organizing it and the sale itself will be held during the National Bible Week at the parish," I had explained.

Bella hadn't responded to that and now as I was thinking about it, I realized it made her uncomfortable to speak of anything related to the church and religion. With that in mind it had been a mistake to suggest she should join the bake sale.

I had anyway.

"You know, you should sign up. You're an incredible cook and it's a charitable thing to do."

Bella's tone had become irritated instantly. "I don't do fucking charity. I am on the receiving end here, remember?" she had spat. "I am the one in need. Besides, it is fucking ridiculous to have a fricking bake sale at the church to give the church more fucking money that'll probably go straight into the pockets of white collared men who touch little boys' penises or girls' cunts in secret."

For a moment I had been too stunned to speak. I was not unaware of the problems there were within the Catholic Church and the way some priests had strayed in very unfortunate and tragic ways and how they had hurt innocent followers of God who had put their trust and faith in Him and the ones who preached in His name. It was awful and I couldn't fathom why anyone would be so cruel and call himself a man of God.

But the way Bella had spat out the words - so full of venom and hate – it had been her narrow-mindedness that had irritated me. Not because what she'd been saying didn't harbor some truth but because she was only saying it as a way to ridicule something she knew very little about.

Of course, I had known better than to confront Bella about this. And as it had turned out, I would have never gotten the chance anyway because Bella hadn't yet finished voicing her opinion.

"There is no fucking way I am going to be a fucking part of that. Why would anyone want to be a fucking part of that?"

The uninhibited cursing should have tipped me off last night, but the fire in her voice and the passion with which she had spoken had put me in a similar state. Even though it had been a conversation on the phone, I'd felt the urge to correct her on a few things.

I supposed that was the reason she wouldn't talk to me today.

"Bella," I had tried, "I know you feel very indifferent towards the church and that is your choice.

"But just because there are a few bad seeds, it doesn't mean the entire harvest is ruined or corrupt."

"Fuck off with the metaphors, Edward," she had countered angrily. "They won't work on me."

"I am just trying to give you some perspective," I had said and my voice had sounded far from its neutral and pleasant self with Bella.

"You mean your perspective. Your warped brainwashed perceptive."

"Bella, please."

"You cannot fucking deny that there is plenty of corruption in the church."

I had sighed deeply, counting to ten and wondering how we had ended up here and why we were arguing about this because it was obviously a very dangerous territory.

"Bella," I had tried again, hoping I could calm her down and we could at least hang up on good terms. "Our opinions differ on this matter. Perhaps we should accept that and leave it be."

"They sure as hell fucking differ," Bella had muttered before going quiet again. "Like night and day."

"I don't want to fight with you," I had gently told her.

"I have to go, Angela wants to watch a movie or something," Bella had said before saying a short goodbye and hanging up.

And now, twenty-four hours later, she was apparently not in the mood to speak to me.

Maybe she was worried we would argue. Or maybe she was being her typical angry self for a few days.

A part of me wanted to go over to her apartment to see if she was home but I had done that before and I didn't look forward to the idea of seeing one of her neighbors again.

Plus since Bella was being so very obvious about ignoring me, I figured I should try and let her be. Even if I was breaking a rule in the Redemption Program by skipping the actual call tonight.

It was 10:00 PM when I looked at my phone again, after having ignored the display for thirty minutes in which time I had tried to focus on my dissertation.

That had failed; I had browsed for cake recipes instead.

Even if Bella didn't want to participate in the actual bake sale, it didn't mean we couldn't still bake a cake. That way I could give it to my mother so she could sell it at the sale.

Maybe Bella wouldn't be completely opposed to doing something charitable if she wasn't directly confronted with anything religious.

Because really, it would do her good to involve herself in something selfless and with her court date a few months away she still had time to build up a reputation that might allow a judge to see a different side of her. To see the real Bella.

It was my task as her buddy to help her accomplish that.

At 10:15 I was yawning and staring at the ceiling from my sofa didn't help me stay awake. I decided it would be a good idea to take a quick shower after which I would call Bella one more time before calling it a night.

I stripped out of my clothes, turned on the faucet and embraced the warmth of the water washing down my body.

For a moment that was all there was. The feeling of being at peace; the feeling of simply being. No thoughts to distress me, no ponderings to distract me.

It lasted for a few minutes until I got pulled from my tranquility by the heavy pounding on a door.

_My front door._

Since the time was near 10:30, it surprised me that someone was there. In fact, it was downright worrying because I never had company over this late. Not that I had much company over to begin with but that was beside the point.

I turned off the spray and grabbed the towel I had laid out. Drying myself off quickly, I grabbed some sweats and a white cotton wife beater and put them on.

I rushed to the door because the pounding was demanding and urgent.

"I am coming!" I yelled as I opened the door and a small fist remained mid air because it could no longer connect with the door.

"What the fuck…?"

The visitor lifted their head and I was met with a pair of deep chocolate brown and quite angry eyes.

"Bella?"

She was wearing a black trench coat and black heels. I couldn't see what was underneath. Her hair was dripping wet from the rain outside.

"Bella?" I called again, but she didn't seem to hear me. She was moving her gaze from my feet to my shoulders, then my arms, until her eyes landed on my belly button.

"Bella, do you want to come in?" I asked as I gently touched her shoulder, which made her snap out of it. Her eyes found mine and the glare was back.

"Don't mind if I fucking do."

"I called you a few times," I offered as she pushed past me.

"I was out," Bella said curtly as she stopped in the middle of my living room. It was such a strange contrast, seeing her standing there, bouncing from one foot to another like she was nervous, when she had been feeling comfortable sitting there just two days ago.

"In this weather?" I wondered as I looked around for something that could help her dry off. I didn't want her to catch a cold.

"Yes, Edward," Bella grumbled. "In this fucking weather I was out."

"I uh… Do you want a towel?

"For your hair," I added as I backed away into the direction of the bathroom.

"You know what fucking bothers me?"

Her voice was angry and the way she stalked over to me - slow like a wild animal stalking its prey - made me wonder if she was completely alright. She didn't seem to be.

"Bella…?"

"I fucking hate liars and hypocrites."

"I...do too," I offered, uncertain of what she meant.

Bella snorted. "Fuck you, Edward."

I swallowed hard at the way she spat the words so angrily. Her eyes were wild and then she smiled knowingly.

"Hmm….that might actually be a good idea," she murmured to herself.

Bella was clearly not herself. She was acting erratic and her eyes were all wrong. I had seen her hurt and angry but I had never seen her act out of control like this. Was she about to snap?

"Bella…are you alright?"

"Yes, that will be a very good idea," she spoke as if I wasn't even in the room.

"What is?" I asked.

Bella's head snapped up to mine and she moved closer to me, pushing me back and forcing me to sit on the sofa.

She leaned in and whispered. _"Fucking you."_

I was too stunned to speak. Bella wanted to…do _that_ to me?

It made no sense.

"Bella, what is wrong with you? Do you feel ill?"

I wanted to reach out and check her forehead like my mother used to touch mine when I was a little boy but I knew how Bella reacted to touches and decided against it.

She flashed me a lazy smile as she leaned in. Her eyes were still wild and I noticed the pupils were dilated.

"Why don't you help me take off my coat? You'll like what is underneath," she purred. "I promise..."

I smelled her breath but I detected no alcohol. She wasn't drunk but clearly under the influence of something.

Drugs maybe.

"I….that's…I should get you a towel..."

But Bella didn't move.

"Come on, Edward," she whined as she moved onto my lap. "Let me show you a good time. I'll fuck the desire to become a priest right out of you, I promise."

_Wait what?_

"What did you say?"

Bella grimaced and turned away from me. I wanted to lift her off my lap, but the way she was curled up like a wounded animal that was about to flee prevented me from doing that and so I tried to stay very still instead. I couldn't allow her to run outside in her current state.

"Why Edward?" she whispered as she stirred. The movement made my underbelly tingle in strange ways but I didn't allow myself the time to wonder what that meant.

"Why would you want to become a priest? It's such a fucking waste of time.

"And you lied to me," she muttered. "You never told me. I thought your fucking brother was the one who wanted to sell his soul. I thought you were just a student.

"I fucking trusted you!" she yelled, throwing her hands in the air in frustration before they landed on my chest with a smack.

"Ugh," Bella grumbled before she moved off my lap and stood up.

"I don't fucking need this shit. I don't even want to fuck you!"

"Bella, wait!"

I wanted to stop her. I wanted her to be safe.

She looked fragile and broken and I knew that this would be one of the many setbacks we would face together. Trust was essential and it was lacking, it was up to me to build it.

To _earn_ it.

I hadn't meant to lie to Bella, and I didn't think I did. After all, I was in fact a student and although we had never discussed my future plans, I hadn't deliberately kept them from Bella.

It had simply never come up. Which, given Bella's behavior now, was probably a good thing.

"Bella, please," I whispered. "Just sit down. I'll take care of you."

Bella let out a short harsh laugh. "Yes, that's what they all promise. Until they fuck you in the ass or touch you when they fucking shouldn't!

"I have to get out of here!" Bella said before walking to the door.

"Don't go," I pleaded.

Bella rolled her eyes.

I wanted to get up and stop her but when trying I found the fabric of my sweats bulged into a tent-like shape. It was noticeable, even in these loose fitting sweats.

I was sporting an erection.

So that was what the tingling feeling meant.

Stunned at the ability to feel sexual arousal – I couldn't remember ever experiencing it before because I had never viewed a woman in a sexual way, thus never giving my body the opportunity to respond appropriately, although biologically I knew that an erection could happen naturally and subconsciously – it took me a few seconds before I looked back at the door.

"Don't get up," Bella laughed darkly as she pointed at the obvious outline of my sweats.

And then she was gone.

* * *

**A/N: It's been a while but sometimes real life kicks you and all else falls away. Back with a vengeance now, hopefully.**

**About this chapter:**

**Old Testament, Genesis 2:16-17 – Quoted by Father Masen.**

** National Bible Week was from November 21 to November 28 2010. I took a little creative freedom, by moving it up a month to Mid November. WE are know at th end of October. Priestward and PottymouthBella have know each other for 5 weeks. **

**Bella's remark about priests and sexual abuse is by no means meant to insult or hurt any readers who take offence. For one, this is a legitimate problem that has been addressed by even the Pope. Also, Bella is very short sided which is why she is so blunt and brusque about it. It's also more about Edward's reaction to her words. And of course her: "Why would anyone want to be a fucking part of that?" in which she alludes to Edward wanting to be a part of it. He of course is too dense to understand what she means at the time.**

**Next chapter will explain more about Bella and her attempt to seduce Edward and "fuck the desire to become a priest" right out of him. **

**To WhitePONY09: You pointed out that Edward had told Bella he is a virgin. What he said in chapter 13 is "I…I don't do that kind of thing." when Bella jokingly offered him her services. He never told her he is a virgin. But Bella probably suspects he is because he is a frightened little lamb whenever she brings up sex in any context ;) ****Thank you for taking the time to point it out. Between me and my BETA Parama we try to catch all these details (as we should) but should we slip up, I am always happy to know :)**

**Last chapter really kicked the story into gear in terms of reviews, with more than 50. I will state once again, that's not the most important thing about this story but I am happy and grateful for it. Thanks to each and everyone who has reviewed and to everyone who is reading this story and enjoying it! (Thanks to Kellyprovence for plugging the story)**

**Have a good weekend!**


	18. Bad Medicine

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella. **

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. I heart her!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 17: BAD MEDICINE**

"Ben is coming over today."

Ben.

Ben?

Who the fuck was…oh _Ben_. Drug dealing under the counter-trying to screw over innocent and helpless women- Ben.

The guy I didn't know but sure as hell fucking disliked based on his "profession" alone. Yes, it was a presumptuous thing but the guy was selling my best friend pills under the counter, seemingly screwing her over in ways the guys she allowed to fuck her didn't.

It was equally disturbing and wrong.

It was Saturday, 11:00 AM and I was fucking yawning like crazy. Mostly because _again_ I had experienced a night filled with nightmares and sleeplessness. It was starting to become a routine I couldn't shake. I would go to bed and as soon as I was under, visions and images took over my subconscious.

Often it would start with my mom and dad; their eyes sad and filled with fucking disappointment. Then the images would shift to Edward and he would look at me the same way. Sometimes Edward and I were back in that meadow I had dreamed of before. But whatever the images were they always ended up with me being fucked in ways that had me shaking with fear once I was fucking lucky enough to wake up.

I was getting tired of being tired. Of not being able to escape things I had managed to lock up inside me for so long, Why the fuck were they resurfacing now?

"Are you alright?" Angela asked, her eyes worried. "Are you still sleepy?"

Angela assumed that because I was in bed by 10:00 PM every night, while she was working, I was getting enough sleep. Little did she know and little should she know. She had enough shit to deal with.

"I am fine," I lied.

"So wait…you invited him?" I asked Angela, trying to change the subject.

"I told you about that experimental drug. Ben managed to get his hands on a one week sample they used in a trial run. The patient died unexpectedly. I can try it for a week. If it works, he'll get me a full prescription," she said while she applied some light make up to conceal the general tiredness and slight bags under her eyes caused by the HIV.

Ben the drug dealer. I shook my head at the idea that he would be selling Angela fucking tainted drugs that could make her sicker rather than better. I didn't understand why she trusted the guy. He was no better than your average dealer on the streets even if he was wearing a lab coat to make him look legit.

"That sounds fucking illegal," I pointed out. "Maybe the person died because of the drugs. Fuck, Ang, you don't know what kind of shit he'll try to sell you."

"Bella, we have had this discussion. I know you don't trust him. That's why I invited him over. You can meet him and see for yourself. He is not going to sell me bad medicine. Ben is a good guy."

Good guy? That's what they all fucking said. That's what they all fucking looked like. But when push came to shove and I was pushed against a wall while they shoved their cock up my ass, they weren't so nice anymore.

And the one guy I was trying to trust, the one guy that had good written all over him like he was a poster boy for good, pure and kind, was actually a poster boy for religious insanity.

I guess I was kind of bitter about the whole good, decent guy thing because no one could be _that_ good; _that_ kind. People always had an ulterior motive.

But Edward may very well be _that good; that pure._ I doubted the guy would be capable of having motives that were ulterior or otherwise. He was so innocent, almost otherworldly and it pissed me off because I had trusted him and he had failed to tell me about his future life and what that fucking meant to him. It was such an ironic twist to want to sell your soul to god and help out someone who was rotten and possibly soulless in the process. Two worlds colliding; it made no sense why he wanted to help me. Before I had believed he was as good as he seemed but now I wondered if I was some sort of experiment to him. If by saving me he assumed he would be scoring brownie points with the big man upstairs.

Betrayal was consuming me and it fucking bothered me. One more thing to add to the reasons for my restless nights.

"Yeah, well…we'll see," I muttered, not willing to agree with her.

"So, how do I look?" Angela asked as she twirled around. She was wearing a beige skirt with a soft purple sweater. Her light brown hair was hanging loose down her back. The bags under her eyes were far less noticeable, thanks to the makeup, and her grey eyes actually sparkled a bit.

"You look nice," I said, because she did.

"Thank you."

"You never told me," Angela said as she tidied up her living room, "how was dinner last night? Did Edward like your recipes?"

I frowned, unable to hide the fact that last night had been all kinds of fucked up. And of course, Angela had to pick up on it.

"That face doesn't scream excitement. I take it the evening didn't go too well?"

I sighed. Things had gone quite well before Edward's brother had shown up. Very well in a way. Through my haze of anger and irritation about the previous night's reveals I had almost forgotten about the little incident in Edward's kitchen before his brother had shown up.

We had been so fucking close and had he given me any incentive I would have dropped to my knees to show him a fucking good time.

Of course, knowing what I knew now, I wondered if that wouldn't have come back to bite me in the ass as well. I didn't want to think of how I could have sucked a cock that had probably dabbled in holy water – I had no doubt he was baptized- because that would be like sucking off god and I'd rather piss him off than give him pleasure.

Okay, that made little sense but in a way I was as disappointed as I was relieved that nothing had happened between Edward and me. Disappointed because the guy was hot and I wouldn't mind doing him and doing him good. Relieved because fucking him would have been a disaster on so many levels. I would have only corrupted his pure, innocent soul.

"Edward's brother showed up," I explained with another heavy sigh.

"The priest?" Angela wondered. "Wow, that must've been awkward. Was it?"

I shook my head. If only Edward's brother had been the wannabe priest. That would have made things so much simpler.

But nothing in my fucking life was ever simple.

"No? It was not awkward?" Angela asked in surprise.

"No, I meant Edward's brother doesn't want to be ordained as a priest. Quite the opposite. He is fucking married and an expectant father," I muttered.

"_What?"_ Angela said. "I am certain that Esme Cullen told me about one of her sons studying to be a priest. She spoke very highly and proudly of him and…_oh!_

"OH!" she exclaimed loudly.

"Edward?" she asked uncertainly, scrutinizing my face as I rolled my eyes at her conclusion.

"Edward wants to be a priest?"

"He does," I nodded.

_Fuck yes_, he did.

"Wow, Bella...how do you feel about that?"

How did I fucking feel about that? I was pissed. Beyond fucking pissed. The worst part was not exactly knowing why. It didn't exactly affect me that he had chosen a life I didn't understand. I was certain he didn't fucking understand my choices either. It didn't have to change things between us. In fact, I knew for a fact that it wouldn't change things between us.

Maybe that's what bothered me the most. I liked Edward, more than I should. More than I could allow myself. I even trusted him a little. But that was all before last night. Now I could only picture him with a golden halo around his head. Poster child for reverence and devotion.

I had put my trust in Edward and he was a part of all the changes I was supposed to make. But now he turned out to be part of something I fucking loathed. Religion. Churches.

God.

"I think it's fucked up."

Angela nodded. "I can imagine it's strange. You two are from completely different worlds."

That was a fucking understatement. We were not just from completely different worlds; we were more opposite than opposites could be. Good and bad. Saint and sinner.

"Try different spectrums in parallel universes," I grumbled.

"Bella," Angela said softly. "I can imagine this is very awkward right now. But this is just a detail. I mean, has Edward behaved strange? Has he forced his religion on you?"

I had to admit, he hadn't. I mean, I knew he was a good guy; he was the perfect Boy Scout but had I not found out that Emmett was married and expecting a child, I probably would have continued to believe Emmet was the one who wanted to become a priest, solely based on my initial assumption of Edward being _only_a student.

Of course, if you observed Emmett and Edward Cullen in the same room, it was very obvious who the devout Catholic was. And I was a fool for never putting the pieces together. For never realizing that Edward's studies were fucking religious. One look at Emmett and it should have hit me.

"Well, has he?"

"Not really," I hedged. "I mean, we sort of avoid the topic because he knows how I feel about it."

Angela smiled. "_See_…he is considering your feelings about this. Please remember that. Don't make too big of a deal about it. Just talk to him."

I frowned at her logic because it was so fucking logical. So damn responsible. I didn't want to talk to Edward. I didn't want him to explain. I wanted to remain pissed at him.

Angela knew this. "Bella," she warned. "Give him a chance.

"I mean, it doesn't have to change anything, right? He can still be your friend. As long as he doesn't make you feel uncomfortable about his chosen path, I don't see why you can't last a year together."

A year, that's how long the Redemption Program would last. Enough time to brainwash me.

"Bella," Angela warned, noticing I was over thinking this. "Don't drive yourself crazy. Edward is a nice guy. A good friend."

"Fine," I huffed. "He'll call me tonight like every night and I promise to be as nice as I can, okay?"

Angela was about to say something when we were interrupted by a knock on the door.

"That must be Ben," she said as she moved to the door to let him in.

I had never met Ben and I certainly wasn't looking forward to it.

But when she opened the door and a guy just slightly taller than her stepped in, I had to admit that I couldn't hate him based on the way I had imagined he would look.

The Ben I had created in my head had slicked back hair and a mean fucking glint in his eyes, sporting expensive clothes he'd bought with the money he had earned from ripping off his clients.

Ben in the flesh was wearing faded jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt with some kind of cartoon character on it. His hair was short and he was wearing black rimmed glasses. He flashed me a kind smile before coming over to introduce himself.

"Hi, I am Ben Cheney, you must be Bella?"

I wanted to hate this guy, but he looked so nerdy that I had to bite my lip to prevent me from laughing at my own creation of him and the way the real him was entirely fucking different.

"I am Bella," I nodded as I took his hand. "You are the guy who has been dealing drugs and selling it to my best friend," I added snidely.

Angela gave me a "you're dead" look but Ben just laughed. "Yes, I sell overpriced medicine to each pill popper who I can sell to. That's how I roll, yo!" he joked with a fake ghetto accent.

I sighed before giving him a smile. "I might like you."

"I told you," Angela said. "Ben is nice," she added, beaming at him.

"It's cool," he said, "you are looking out for your friend."

"Okay, well...we have met, now I better get going," I said, knowing Angela might want to spend some time alone to sort out their "business".

"You don't have to go," Angela said. "Why don't you two chat, while I make some tea.

"Ben, take a seat," Angela said before she disappeared into her tiny kitchen.

I yawned, which Ben noticed as he took a seat across from me. "Rough night? Or am I boring you?"

"I haven't been sleeping well," I admitted.

"Hmm, that sucks. Have you tried anything to help you sleep?"

"You mean drugs?" I asked.

Once a drug dealer, always a drug dealer.

And I was not about to do fucking drugs.

"Yeah, like some Nytol or Sominex or something. It's pretty effective and doesn't have that many side effects."

I shrugged. "I am not big on drugs. No offence."

Ben grinned. "I am not a drug dealer or addict, Bella. I am a pharmacist."

"Who sells fucking meds under the counter," I pointed out.

"I only do that with Angela because I know she doesn't have a lot of money. And she is sick so she needs them."

"You think you are doing her a favor?" I muttered. "Wow, you're a real saint."

"Hey look, I am sure you think I am some sort of low life drug dealer who rips people off but I sell legal drugs to people who don't have proper health insurance."

"Please, if you have the legal stuff at your disposal, I am sure you can get your hands on the illegal stuff as well," I countered.

Ben rolled his eyes but remained playful. "You got me. I deal drugs on the side. The illegal kind."

"Really?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

Ben shook his head as he leaned back against the sofa cushions.

"I understand you are protective Bella, I really do. But I am not dealing in anything illegal on the side. The only 'real' drugs I have ever sold are the legal kind in the form of medical marihuana.

"And I am no saint but this country is quite fucked up considering how difficult it is to get proper health care. Someone like Angela who is a nice person and deserves to be healthy got dealt a shitty hand and I just want to right a wrong here. I can't give the drugs she needs for free, but I would if it were possible."

"Has she told you about the shitty hand she got dealt with?" I asked in surprise. I knew Angela wasn't keen on talking about her illness and often didn't bring it up unless she had to disclose it.

"She hasn't told me the hows and whats of her illness, or what happened etcetera and I don't care. I am sure that when the time is right, she will tell me."

"Meh," I muttered. "I think I do like you."

"I think I like you too. Rough around the edges, but soft to the core," he said playfully.

I rolled my eyes but accepted his assessment.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked, almost shyly.

"Sure."

"Medical marihuana; does that help?" I wondered, thinking of my own trouble sleeping. I could certainly mellow out a bit even if I was against getting fucking high.

I was also desperate for some fucking sleep.

Ben shrugged. "For some it does, for others it doesn't."

"Would it help with my insomnia?"

Ben chuckled as Angela re-entered her small living room.

"Are you asking me to sell you drugs under the counter, Bella?" he grinned.

"Bella," Angela hissed. "What are you doing?"

"I am just asking him a fucking question; don't get your panties in a bunch."

"She was giving me the third degree," Ben smiled as Angela handed him some tea.

"Stop that!" Angela warned me.

"It's okay, she is just being protective," Ben assured her as she sat down on a chair next to the sofa he was sitting on.

"So, I have a trial version good for a week of the meds you requested," Ben said matter-of-factly, ignoring the fact I rolled my eyes.

Angela nodded and grabbed her purse from under the table.

She pulled out an envelope and handed it to Ben like it was the most normal thing in the world. To me, it wasn't.

"Here you go," she said as he took the envelope and handed her a bag I assumed was filled with the promised pills.

I watched the exchange in bemusement.

"So, now that we have dealt with business, what plans do you have today?" Ben asked curiously. "You want to hang out?"

Fuck, he liked her too?

"I am going downtown later. I need to buy some things for a bake sale. But I am free tonight," Angela said coyly.

"Bake sale?" I asked, interfering before they could agree to a date of some kind. "What bake sale?"

"It's for the community center. I told you this," Angela said dryly, obviously annoyed I had killed a moment between her and Ben. "I know you forget about these things but it would be nice if you paid some attention, Bella.

"She never listens," she clarified to Ben.

"I fucking do listen!"

Angela gave me a look before I got up to leave her alone with Ben, grumbling and muttering as I placed my mug on the counter. I was not in the mood for her chewing me out in front of her friend. Or crush.

"Bella," Angela called after me. "Will you still go shopping with me later? For the bake sale?"

Her eyes were soft and pleading and I gave her a small nod before exiting her apartment.

* * *

I hated supermarkets. I hated the fucking people walking around in supermarkets.

The supermarket Angela had dragged me to was nothing like the small grocery store I had visited with Edward on Friday. This one was bigger, louder and fucking crowded.

But according to Angela it was necessary to shop there because they had all the supplies and shit she needed to bake the perfect cup cakes for a bake sale that wasn't even taking place until a couple of weeks from now. I think Angela had mentioned wanting to test a few recipes to perfect them.

My best friend was a fucking saint, I knew this and once again, after spending an afternoon with her where she had gushed about Ben, I realized how wrong it was for me to be getting a chance at changing my life and not wanting it while she – someone who really deserved it - was effortlessly being a good person without complaining, without expecting something in return. She had faith in things I didn't believe existed.

She still made money the way I had stopped doing for a few weeks now and I still fucking envied her every night I saw her get whored up to go to Cowgirls or Pioneer to work her pussy off for a few measly dollars.

I was so fucked up.

Fucked up and restless. And so damn tired at the same time.

It was almost 8 PM. Any minute now Edward would call and I was on fucking edge about it because I still wasn't sure if I wanted to be pissed or act normal upon hearing his voice.

Angela had said I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

When my phone finally rang I was so on edge that I almost dropped it.

And when we got talking things got tenser.

Tense because of what I knew and how he didn't know I knew about his future plans. It made it hard to act normal. And Edward seemed on edge about something as well although I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with me or with something happening in his own life. Something he probably wasn't going to fucking share with me anyway. His anxiety and the general tension – even noticeable over the goddamn phone - really pissed me off.

During our conversation, Edward tried to convince me to participate in the bake sale. It was the last thing I wanted even if I enjoyed cooking and wouldn't mind doing it in the name of charity. I wasn't a monster; I knew there were people out there who had it far fucking worse than me.

But helping out in the name of St. Fucking Joseph Parish? I was not _that_ charitable.

"I don't do fucking charity. I am on the receiving end here, remember?" I reminded him when he had suggested it. "I am the one in need. Besides, it is fucking ridiculous to have a fricking bake sale at the church to give the church more fucking money that'll probably go straight into the pockets of white collared men who touch little boys' penises or girls' cunts in secret," I added.

It stunned Edward into silence that much was certain because he didn't say a word. "There is no fucking way I am going to be a fucking part of that. Why would anyone want to be a fucking part of _that?"_

_That_being the church and its creepy cult followers. _That_ being people who thought they were above men and law. Above justice. Using religion as an excuse for everything.

Why the fuck would Edward want to be a part of that? I thought of how Angela had said nothing had to change between Edward and me but the knowledge he wanted to be a part of that, it pissed me off immensely.

The words triggered something in Edward and all too soon we found ourselves in a discussion about religion, the one topic I didn't want to talk about with him.

"Bella," Edward said, "I know you feel very indifferent towards the church and that is your choice.

"But just because there are a few bad seeds, it doesn't mean the entire harvest is ruined or corrupt."

I was already pissed and Edward only made it worse. He was excusing things that shouldn't be fucking excused. He was defending something that wasn't defendable.

"Fuck off with the metaphors, Edward," I countered angrily. "They won't work on me."

"I am just trying to give you some perspective," he said and for the first time since I had known him he sounded less than polite and composed.

Perspective, my ass.

"You mean _your_ perspective. Your warped brainwashed perceptive."

"Bella, please."

"You cannot fucking deny that there is plenty of corruption in the church."

Edward sighed deeply before speaking again. He was indeed starting to get annoyed with me.

_Good._ Served him right.

"Bella," he tried once more. "Our opinions differ on this matter. Perhaps we should accept that and leave it be."

He was irritated but as always remained the fucking diplomat.

"They sure as hell fucking differ," I muttered before going quiet again. "Like night and day."

After that I told him I needed to get going because Angela wanted to watch a movie. It was a lie because Angela was actually out to dinner with her drug dealer slash friend slash wish-he-was-my-boyfriend. I guess they had made a deal about going on a date after I had left them alone.

My body was exhausted but my mind was anxious which made me tired but also keyed up. Letting exhaustion win I decided to go to bed.

But knowing that I wouldn't get any fucking sleep didn't help me calm down.

Maybe it was the fear that I would once again be lingering between restless slumbers and nightly terror that riled me up even more because my brain refused to shut off and the images behind my eyes were too fucking creepy. Or maybe it was just the entire concept of being in this mess, where I had to muddle through these changes in my life, not knowing what would be on the other side – but more than ever I actually wished to be out on the streets. It was not even 10:00 PM and I was lying in bed. I used to be at Jasper's bar or somewhere else making my own money, instead of having to fucking depend on the kindness of my country. Which, let's face it, was not very kind at all. Case in point was Angela who had to get her meds fucking illegally.

I watched the green glow of my alarm clock as it casted a haunting shadow on the wall. It promised very little and told me so fucking much.

I needed to get out of here. I could not stand another fucking night where I lied in bed, looking at my ceiling before drifting off into a horrible darkness.

I got up and pulled on some jeans, grabbed a t-shirt, a hoodie and my chucks.

I stuffed some cash and my house key in my pocket before leaving my apartment. Outside I ran into Paul.

_Fucking great._

"Bella," he slurred. I noticed his eyes were blood shot and his pupils dilated. He was fucking high. Or drunk. Probably both.

"Dope head," I retorted as I locked my door.

"You look edgy, girl," he said, a lazy smile playing on his lips as he grabbed the sleeve of my hoodie when I tried to move past him.

"You look like you are not minding your own fucking business," I said as I slapped the hand that held my vest.

"Chillax Bella," he murmured. "Why don't you take this," he held up a pink fluorescent looking pill and waved it in front of my face like he was selling fucking candy, "it'll make you feel better, I promise.

"Nice and relaxed, baby."

"Fuck off, Paul," I hissed as I pushed him away and bounded down the stairs.

* * *

Nightmares were appropriately named. Because they were just that. A fucking nightmare. You cannot imagine the feeling of tiny fucking monsters taking your brain hostage until you close your eyes and every subconscious moment is filled with images you try to escape during the day.

The worst fucking part of it is that you have no choice but to succumb to the monsters' desire to wreak havoc with your subconscious and your body's need to get some fucking rest.

And I needed some fucking rest so goddamn desperately.

It was 4:00 AM and I was wide awake. Still.

Again.

Going out earlier hadn't been very fruitful. I had wandered a bit before my legs had started to get tired and I had started to get fucking cold. Eventually it had been close to midnight and I'd headed back home where that dipshit Paul had been hanging around my apartment once again.

Once again he had offered me the magic pink pill.

And once again I had fucking refused him and told him to shove it up his ass. Knowing the addict Paul was I wouldn't be surprised if he had to throw his ass a party.

Eventually, sleep took over and I didn't wake until coaxing whispers filled my mind, begging me to suck someone's cock. There were eyes shifting from green to pitch black, the smell of expensive brandy and cigar smoke, all those elements combined caused me to bolt upright, biting my lips to prevent me from screaming.

Checking my alarm clock I noticed it was close to noon. My head hurt from the lack of sleep and the memory of heavy stinky breathing and cocks slamming into my ass during another nightmare lingered long enough to make me shudder. Whatever happened to keeping the box of bad memories closed? How the fuck had Laurent triggered that and why was I unable to lock the box again?

Rain pounded against the window and looking out, I saw that the sky was grey and thick with rain clouds. It made me feel fucking depressed because it meant I couldn't go outside.

I had hoped for Angela to keep me company but she was helping out at the community center and wouldn't come back until tonight and then she had to work.

Basically I was bored out of my fucking skull and for some reason everything felt heavy and gloomy today. The weather was sure as fuck not helping and the fact I was alone and had too much time to think drove me crazy.

I contemplated calling Edward to ask if he wanted to hang out but before I could dial, I realized someone with his future prospects was probably spending his entire day in church getting brainwashed.

The idea of that pissed me off so much that it made me feel like I couldn't breathe. My apartment, which was fucking small to begin with, felt like it was a shoebox now. I needed to get out of there.

I decided to go downstairs and do some laundry. At least that would keep me occupied for a bit.

I grabbed my dirty clothes and went downstairs to the basement.

Where I ran into Paul.

_Again._

Just my fucking luck.

"Bella," he smiled as he tapped one leg against the washing machine he was sitting on while the other was tucked under his ass.

"Doing some laundry?"

I rolled my eyes. He was so perceptive.

"Aren't you fucking smart…"

"Bella, Bella. Always insulting me, always acting like she is so damn smart…silly Bella," he murmured.

"..But you know what I think?" he said aloud as he jumped off the machine and landed right in front of me.

"You _think_? That's a fucking riot since you need a brain and all to accomplish that," I muttered as I tried to go around him to put my basket of laundry down near one of the machines.

"I think you want to fuck me," he grinned and I smelled beer on his breath.

Once boozed up, always boozed up must be his fucking motto.

I pushed him away with my basket.

"You are right about the fucking. Because I want you to _fucking_ leave me alone," I hissed.

Paul moved closer and grabbed my hand to place the familiar pink magic pill in it. The one he had shown me last night.

"If you want to relax this is perfect. Then, once you feel a bit more mellow, why don't you come to my apartment. I'll be a good neighbor to you…"

He was not a fucking good neighbor. He was a freaky ass neighbor.

But before I could tell him that, he was gone, leaving me standing there with a pink pill – its size fairly insignificant – that was supposed to help me relax.

I should have tossed the damn thing away.

But I put it in the pocket of my hoodie instead.

* * *

"I really don't want to go tonight. The weather is awful," Angela complained as she put on some strappy heels.

She was complaining of having to go out tonight and it made total sense because the rain was pouring down and business was probably going to be slow.

"So, stay in," I suggested absentmindedly. My mind kept wandering to the pink pill in my pocket; it was screaming for me to take it.

Angela sighed. "I can't do that. I need the money. I'll go to Cowgirls for a bit; see if I can get lucky."

"I could come with you," I offered.

Angela snorted. "No Bella, you could not. You _should_ not."

"I want to," I confessed. "I am losing my mind doing nothing."

"Didn't you say you and Edward were going job hunting next week?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"So, enjoy this time off while you can. Soon you might have to adapt to a new life style. Nine to five mentality and all that."

I was already having a goddamn hard time adjusting. How was I ever going to deal with a new job? A nine to five mentality? I just had my street mentality. I was still fucking envying Angela because she got to involuntary suck cocks and got fucked come rain or shine.

"I better go," Angela said as she rechecked her fiery red lipstick before giving me a hug.

"I'll see you in the morning."

"Be careful," I said.

"Always am, Bella."

After she left the silence in my apartment was deafening and like in the afternoon, I felt like I was choking. I was getting more keyed up as I watched the time creep closer to 8:00 PM again.

He was going to call soon.

I didn't want him to call me.

I wanted peace. I wanted him to stop affecting me. I wanted the past few weeks erased. I wanted the last twenty years to be deleted.

I wanted a fucking do-over. Someone to reset my life so I could start over and do it better.

_You got your reset, Bella._ I chided myself. _Stop fucking complaining and embrace it. So what if Edward wants to be a priest. That's his choice. You need him. You like him. Maybe you want to fuck him but ultimately, it's more important for you to be able to trust him and you have never been able to trust the men you fucked. So stop those thoughts. He's like a brother._

_A very hot fucking brother I want to fuck. Maybe if I did, I could change things for us both. It would be screwed up to fuck him but maybe it could save him. If he knew what he was missing, the kind of pleasure he was not allowing himself to experience, maybe then we would both get a reset in our lives._

_I could be his buddy too. His fuck buddy._

_His very own redemption program. Not to save his soul but shake it up a little. Flip god and his consorts the bird and start living._

I nearly fell off my sofa when my phone started ringing, interrupting my inner monologue.

Edward.

_Fuck._

Instead of picking up the phone and having a conversation like we did every night – minus the disagreement from last night – I reached for my hoodie and found the pill.

"Happy and relaxed," I muttered before I tossed it in my mouth like it was a fucking peanut, swallowing it down with a sip of plain water.

"Nothing like a little pink courage," I mumbled before going into my bedroom, ignoring a second ringing of my phone.

* * *

There is nothing charming or cool about Seattle at night. Not in the part of town I lived in, anyway. It was the shitty part of town, unlike where Edward lived for instance.

The trashcans on the sides of the street were full and I noticed a few fucking rats scattering around.

The streetlights were mostly broken and it was dark and depressing. Street corners held huddling groups of young guys together. Probably guys who were up to no good.

If there was an example of a neighborhood that screamed ghetto, it was mine.

I passed a group of black guys who were listening to some rap, bouncing to the beat. They started fucking howling at me and I gave them the finger, which earned me a choir of admiring profanities.

I smiled because this was what I was used to. Name calling, getting attention. It was a fucking shame I couldn't open up my trench coat to give them a little show.

I was on a high and loving it. I wanted to giggle even if the situation was fucking tragic. I needed happy pills to make me confident. To make me stop doubting everything.

I took a bus downtown. The seats were ugly and stained and the entire thing smelled like someone had taken a giant piss in it. I was freezing my black laced ass off because I was wearing nothing but my sexiest underwear and the black trench coat, finished off with some "fuck me hard" black heels. Rain spattered against the windows and my hair was dripping with water.

Somewhere deep inside my brain – where my rational side wasn't having a drug induced experience - I knew I didn't look sexy. I knew I looked like a fucking drowned cat. But the pink happy pill was doing a fucking stellar job of making me feel more mellow.

I knew the drugs were only fabricating happiness but at the moment I was relieved to have all the bad thoughts pushed back in their box. I knew the box wasn't locked and they could pop up at any time but right now, they did not resurface.

Besides I had a distraction; I was on a mission. I was going to save Edward. It was all clear, even if my mind was fuzzy.

And maybe I looked like a cheap whore but I was determined to turn Edward. To make him see what the real world was like. And once I was done with him, he would never again consider the idea of wanting to be ordained as a fucking priest.

I was aiming as high as I felt.

"Miss? This is your stop." The bus driver alerted me.

I gave him a nod. "Wish me luck."

* * *

Edward's apartment building was quiet. Unlike mine, where someone was always roaming the fucking halls, his was perfectly calm and pristine.

Typically Edward. It was time he got dirty. Very dirty.

I was pissed and hot and bothered and fucking high. The combination was probably lethal.

My fists rapped on the wood of the door like I was ready to take it down. Which I kind of was.

"I am coming!" Edward yelled before he yanked open the fucking door just as I was about to slam my knuckles against it again.

"What the fuck…?" I grumbled as my fist stopped mid air.

Edward looked from my fist to my face, obviously surprised I was standing on his doorstep.

"Bella?"

I was too distracted by the way his arms looked in a wife beater to acknowledge him.

"Bella?" he called again when I didn't respond. For a moment I was almost sober, realizing how whacked up it was to stand here and try and force something out of pure and untarnished Edward.

But then, that was exactly what I wanted to do.

I wanted to break him the way he had broken me. The way he had messed up my life with all his goodness, with the intention to fix me.

How dare he fucking do that to me and be part of that. Part of a religion, part of a fucking cult. Part of something I fucking loathed. If that was his poison, I could give him mine.

"Bella, do you want to come in?" Edward asked as he gently touched my shoulder.

My body responded to his touch and reminded me of why I was here.

"Don't mind if I fucking do," I sneered.

"I called you a few times," Edward offered as I pushed past him.

"I was out," I said curtly as I halted in the middle of his living room. Just a few nights ago I had sat there on his sofa. Just a few nights ago we had cooked together and we had a good time.

"In this weather?" Edward wondered as he seemed to look around for something.

"Yes, Edward," I grumbled. "In this fucking weather I was out."

"I uh… Do you want a towel?

Why would I want a fucking towel…?

"For your hair," he added to explain, turning to the bathroom to get the said towel.

His kindness angered me. I was calling the fucking shots here.

"You know what fucking bothers me?" I said as I approached him slowly, like I was stalking a prey. I felt a bit dizzy and the effects of Paul's little magic pill were making my stomach clench.

I really didn't want to fucking vomit.

"Bella…?"

"I fucking hate liars and hypocrites," I hissed.

"I...do too," Edward offered his voice uncertain and insecure.

I snorted. "Fuck you, Edward."

Edward's eyes went wide at my words and for a moment he looked terrified. Powerless.

Which was exactly what I wanted him to be.

I wanted him powerless like all the men that had begged me to fuck them.

I wanted him to beg me to fuck him, so that he would be tainted like I was.

Too tainted to become a priest.

Then he would be saved.

"Hmm….that might actually be a good idea," I murmured to myself.

"Bella…are you alright?" Edward wondered, worry evident in his words.

I wasn't fucking alright. My head was pounding and I felt like I was having an out of body experience here.

"Yes, that will be a very good idea," I spoke dreamily. Edward looked very hot in sweats and a wife beater. I wanted to rip those clothes off.

"What is?" Edward asked, snapping me out of my trance.

I gave him a lazy smile before I walked – well stumbled – towards him. Once I was in front of him, I placed my hands against his chest and pushed him onto his sofa. For a second I reveled in the way his chest was smooth and hard because I hadn't fucking expected that.

_Priest boy works out?_

I leaned in and whispered. _"Fucking you."_

Normally, when you tell a guy you want to fuck him, most jump for you. Or their cocks jump with joy. But Edward just stared at me like he was a small frightened child. Like I had just told him to do something bad.

I guess I fucking did.

"Bella, what is wrong with you? Do you feel ill?"

Of course, only he would think I was fucking ill for making him an offer he shouldn't refuse.

His hand twitched as he spoke and I wondered if he wanted to touch me, if he wanted to make a move. But his hand remained still on his lap, so he had probably decided against it.

I flashed him a lazy smile as I leaned in. Edward stared into my eyes and those damn jade colored piercing irises were killing me. He was beautiful, so fucking beautiful.

I desperately wanted to fuck him and the realization was as startling as it was fucking thrilling.

"Why don't you help me take off my coat? You'll like what is underneath," I purred. "I promise..."

I could change him, I knew I could. If he wanted to be my buddy, I could be his. His fuck buddy.

But Edward, being the innocent, pure, wannabe priest naturally refused.

"I….that's…I should get you a towel..."

"Come on, Edward," I tried to convince him as I moved onto his lap. "Let me show you a good time. I'll fuck the desire to become a priest right out of you, I promise."

_Just give me a fucking chance._

"What did you say?"

His voice sounded hard through my haze, like it was the most ridiculous concept to be fucked by me which was fucking absurd because I was stellar at it. He should be so lucky to get to be inside me.

Why the fuck was he rejecting me?

"Why Edward?" I whispered as I stirred.

The movement created life in his pants which stunned me a little. The little good school boy Edward was getting hard. I bet if I moved and grinded a little more I could get him rock fucking hard.

"Why would you want to become a priest? It's such a fucking waste of time!"

It really was. Why the fuck sell your soul to religion when you could be free, do whatever the fuck you liked and fuck whomever you fucking wanted.

"And you lied to me," I muttered. "You never told me. I thought your fucking brother was the one who wanted to sell his soul. I thought you were just a student."

That had been a wrong assumption on my part. I shouldn't have assumed but I had never expected Edward to be a priest.

"I fucking trusted you!" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air in frustration before they landed on Edward's chest with a smack.

He was really very well built.

"Ugh," I grumbled before I moved off his lap and stood up.

"I don't fucking need this shit. I don't even want to fuck you!"

"Bella, wait!"

But I was done waiting. That's all I ever did. Fucking wait for things to get better when in reality they never fucking did. How long was I supposed to wait for something good? And if Edward wanted to be a priest, so be it.

"Bella, please," Edward whispered

"Just sit down. I'll take care of you."

His words were soft and maybe if I had been completely sober and thinking fucking straight I would have been able to believe him.

But in my current state he sounded like all the people who had ever promised me that and had never come through for me.

I let out a short harsh laugh. "Yes, that's what they all promise. Until they fuck you in the ass or touch you when they fucking shouldn't!

"I have to get out of here!" I said before walking to the door.

"Don't go," Edward pleaded.

I rolled my eyes, watching him as he sat there, not even getting up to stop me from leaving.

But then I realized why. He was staring at his pants. More specifically, he was staring at his crotch.

It was kind of a turn on.

I followed his eyes to see what the fuck was holding his fascination.

And then I noticed. Edward's sweats were pitched like a fucking tent. Sure, I had felt his growing cock underneath me before but now it looked like he was indeed a man of flesh and blood. The blood currently being pumped onto his cock.

I could have offered to take care of it, but I didn't. He would have fucking refused me anyway.

Instead, I found the irony of it all far too amusing.

"Don't get up," I laughed darkly as I pointed at the obvious outline of Edward's sweats.

_Score one, Father Edward. Welcome to fucking reality._

* * *

"Bella..."

"No…no…just go…away…"

"Bella, you are dreaming."

_Bella...be a sweet girl Bella. Why don't you be a good girl….such a good girl…suck harder…let me fuck you harder…that's it baby…_

"Bella," a voice called me again.

"Don't touch me," I shrieked as I started to stir.

"Bella, it's just a bad dream," the voice assured me.

Someone started shaking me until my eyes flew open.

"Fuck..." I whispered as my heart was pounding against my chest.

The light was bright and heavy; it made me close my eyes again instantly.

My head was fucking pounding and my mouth was dry.

"Water," I muttered.

I needed water and I needed it stat. I was so fucking thirsty and my head was pounding so bad it felt like I had been hit by a freight train.

"Bella?"

Why the fuck was someone calling my name and why the fuck were they not getting me water.

"Bella, it's me, Alice."

Alice? I was at Alice's and Jasper's place? How the fuck had I ended up there?

"Alice?" I grumbled, not entirely sure if I wanted to fucking know the answer.

I opened one very unwilling eye again and met Alice's kind, slightly worried but mostly neutral stare.

"Morning, sunshine," she chuckled.

"Morning?" I said, but it sounded like a question. It was odd. I felt like fucking shit but I didn't recall how I had gotten here. Wherever the fuck here was.

All I vaguely remembered was…._fuck._

I…tried to seduce the one person who was trying to be my friend. The one person who was not supposed to get seduced because he had sold his soul to that motherfucker, god.

"Fuck!" I jumped up and winced as my head felt like it was going to explode.

I looked around and found myself in a room I had never seen.

"Where the fuck am I?"

Alice handed me a cup of water and a plain white pill. Aspirin.

"The community center. Jasper and I brought you here. We would have taken you home with us, but Jazz said you might feel more comfortable waking up here."

"I…I don't remember," I admitted quietly as I swallowed the aspirin.

Alice nodded and she sat down on the edge of the sofa that had apparently been my bed for the night like I was some fucking bum that needed a safe place at one of those Salvation Army places.

"I figured as much. You came to Cowgirls last night, looking..._interesting_. You seemed pretty out of it. Did you take something? Are you still on pain medication from what happened…before?" Alice asked.

"You mean when I got fucked in the ass?" I muttered sarcastically. "No, I am not taking anything."

Alice nodded. "So, you took something else then? Jasper said you looked high."

I rolled my eyes and it caused me to hiss against the pain it made me feel. My entire forehead felt like someone was torturing me by using small knives to cut into my skin.

"I guess he would know."

"He would," Alice - surprisingly enough - agreed with me but her tone was biting. "But he is clean, so don't even try to insult him. It won't make you look cool if you do. He has helped you, where he could have been the guy who treats you like…"

"The common whore I am," I finished her sentence. "Yes, you are right," I said, feeling very small and foolish.

"I don't think you are a bad person. Jasper would never help you if you were. I think you are just lost. It's weird. Jasper told me he had never seen you get drunk or get high before."

It was true. I had never drunk excessively on the job and I had definitely never touched any fucking drugs.

"I just wanted to sleep," I admitted sheepishly. "I just wanted to get one night of fucking rest."

"You don't need _that_ type of drugs for that," Alice said. "You could go to a doctor and get prescribed medicine. Or go to an organic store and get something homeopathic."

I wanted to tell her that no legal medication or crushed leaves with a magic spell would help me, but I thought better of it.

"Why didn't you take me home, or put me in a cab or something?"

"You were out of it, kept mumbling about – and I quote - how you would fuck the priest thing right out of him," Alice said.

"I figured you meant Edward by that. We contemplated calling him but Jasper said we should let you sleep it off somewhere safe. Putting you in a cab would have been a bad choice and you weren't very cooperative when we tried to help you out of the club. So we ended up here."

"Oh," was all I said.

"You could get freshened up here, if you like. Unless you want to go home," Alice said.

I looked around and spotted my black trench coat on a chair. Looking myself over I found I was wearing grey sweat pants and a black t-shirt.

"They came from one of the donation boxes," Alice clarified my wardrobe confusion. "You were cold and wet and not wearing very appropriate attire."

"I think I should go," I said as I slowly got up.

The room was moving a little as I steadied myself with the help of the sofa's armrest. I grabbed my heels – they looked ridiculous when wearing a pair of sweats – and my coat and put them on.

"Thanks," I mumbled before I started moving for the hallway that led to the front door.

"Bella, wait!" Alice called before I could walk off.

"What?" I asked, trying to ignore the heavy pounding of my head.

"I…I called Edward."

I frowned.

"Why the fuck did you do that?"

"Because he is your buddy, well…I guess friend is a more appropriate word and I figured he should know you spent the night here, giving the fact your phone had missed calls from him."

"You checked my phone? Way to fucking invade my privacy," I said, pissed off.

"I didn't read anything; I just noticed the caller history. It had Edward's name listed quite a few times under missed calls."

"Look, Alice…thanks for letting me crash here, but I need to go. I am done with this charity shit," I said.

I didn't bother to wait for a response as I made my way for the exit.

I was about to open the door when someone came in, causing me to bump into them.

"I am sorry," the person – _woman_ – apologized.

I looked up only to find myself staring back at the woman who was known to have kindness written all over her face; a face that was framed with caramel colored curls and held piercing green eyes that stared right back at me with a mixture of warmth and worry.

Esme Cullen.

"Isabella, how lovely to see you."

* * *

**A/N: What can I say...Bella, Bella, Bella. No more pink pills for you! It is no my intention to have Bella become an addict. She is desperate about feeling more relaxed but she will not become a drug addict. She has enough to deal with.**

**In other news: Indie Fic Pimp has made BoTW WIP (Work in Progress) of the Week this past week and the wonderful Phoebespromise had written a beautiful review: indieficpimp(dot)blogspot(dot)com/?zx=523b4227429eaa49**

**Also, check out this beautiful banner made by jaimearkin: http:/twitpic(dot)com/47b9gp and another amazing banner, created by reve2weaver: s1224(dot)photobucket(dot)com/albums/ee371/rev2wev/?action=view¤t=(dot)jpg**

**Thanks so much, ladies, it means so much!**

**All this "new" attention to the story had given me a lot of new readers, which I am thrilled about. Thanks so much to everyone who has read and reviewed this story. I will say again that I am thrilled to have new readers and I appreciate every review but equally important it makes me happy people have put this story on alert :)**

**I have a Fic-Rec this week: All That Remains by TheEdwardians: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6723327/1/ ****If you love a building plot, very detailed high quality chapters and the promise of a few twists and turns: check it out!**

**Happy Sunday! **


	19. Back At One

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. I heart her!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 18: BACK AT ONE**

_Don't get up._

Bella's harsh laugh echoed in my mind as I sat there, nailed to the sofa that was my pyre.

It was easy to imagine that the irony of someone who wanted to remain pure and devote his life to God, experienced something physical, something related to _sex_would amuse Bella, even if it must be a form of bitter entertainment.

And bitter it was. Bella seemed bitter about my choice to become a priest. And the entire situation was bitter because I sat here with an erection I could do nothing about because of my choice to become a priest.

It all led back to that. To my future. A future that suddenly seemed so far away. I stared at my sweats and the bulge that evidently proved my arousal.

I knew enough about biology to know how the human body worked. I was aware of how males could physically react to situations that had a supposed sexual context.

I was wary and unsure of what I felt. What did people do when their body gave them a signal like the very obvious one mine was giving me right now?

I didn't know how to handle it and it terrified me to find out that my body could betray me like this. Not only was I unable to make the bulge go away by simply staring at it - it remained quite large and hard - but I also couldn't shake the memory of how warm and soft Bella's skin had felt when she'd sat on my lap, her long creamy legs and those high heels and…

_NO!_

_Stop_, I chided myself as my penis started throbbing against the fabric of my sweats.

I remembered the feeling in my stomach and lower, closer to my testicles. It had been a very pleasant tingle that promised all kinds of good things. The feeling intensified as I thought of Bella's physical attributes and it forced me to sink deeper into the sofa. I needed to do something, _anything_ to make this go away.

I knew it was wrong; that giving myself to Him meant that harboring feelings of lust was out of the question. It couldn't be both. I served Him with body and soul and my hands and mind were not allowed to wander onto a dangerous path where selfish needs like lust and sex were dominant.

I shouldn't even be thinking of that; of Bella. Of how she smelled and how beautiful she was.

I hated how I sort of liked the thrill of permitting myself such thoughts. I hated the natural response my body had shown to Bella's closeness. I hated that I had no clue how to get rid of the pressure that was building in my penis without doing something that would irrevocably harm my relationship with God and the promise I'd made Him.

I couldn't touch myself.

Most of all, I hated how I wanted to.

Sighing in defeat and gripping my hair in frustration I shifted a little which made the ache in my lower regions a little more bearable. Emphasis on _a little_.

I needed advice and so I reached for the phone to ask the only person I could think of to help me.

After a few rings a sleepy voice greeted me.

"Hello?"

"Emmett?"

My brother sounded like I had woken him up as he grumbled another hello when he realized who was calling. I noticed it was getting close to midnight and he must've been asleep because he had to get up early.

"Hi, it's me. Edward."

"Edward? Is something wrong? Is it Mom? Dad?"

Emmett's voice rose up a few octaves as he expected I was calling to deliver some kind of bad news.

"No no," I hurried to say. "They are fine."

"Then why are you calling me, Ed? It's after 11:00 and I have to get up at 5:00. I need my sleep, bro."

"I know. I'm sorry," I whispered.

Calling Emmett had been a bad idea. I should just hang up. Emmett needed his rest and I wasn't sure I'd be able to confess my reason for calling to him.

"Edward? I am awake now so if there's a reason you're calling, you should spill it," Emmett muttered. "And stop whispering, will ya? It's creepy."

What to do? I felt embarrassed. What to say? I was convinced I wouldn't be able to get the words out. And if I did, I would certainly creep him out even more.

"I uh…I have a situation," I stumbled.

I could hear Emmett yawn over the phone. "What kind of situation, Ed?"

It sounded like he thought I was wasting his time. Soon he'd realize I was. But if anyone would know how to deal with this situation, it would be my brother.

"In…uh…in my pants."

"You have a situation in your pants? Please don't tell me you wet yourself? I think you're too old for that. And if you did, you shouldn't call me about that stuff."

Any other time I would have scoffed at my brother but now I was too flustered to give him a reprimand.

"My…penis," I stammered.

"Wooah dude," Emmett hissed, "way to involve your member in a conversation. Is this a prank call?"

"I need your help..."

"With your penis…bro; that's disgusting. Do I have to call Mom? Because I will."

"It's erect," I whispered, ignoring his comments.

"Excuse me? It's _what_?"

"My penis…I think I have an erection."

My voice seemed loud in the quiet of my living room. But then Emmett started laughing. Well, cackling was more like it. The sound filled my ears and embarrassment made me feel flustered, even if Emmett couldn't see me.

"You have a boner," Emmett laughed. "Wow, let's break out the champagne!"

I felt like a twelve year old boy who'd been caught looking at someone's cleavage. Not that I ever had, but Emmett had a few times when he'd been caught looking at nude magazines in a bookstore by my mother. She'd definitely never broken out the champagne for that.

"Emmett," I warned half-heartedly. "It's not funny nor a reason to celebrate."

My brother tried to compose himself but I could tell he was having a difficult time. "I swear I never expected this day to come. Eddie is a man of flesh and blood after all!" he rejoiced.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I wondered, briefly forgetting my…predicament.

"Well, considering your future plans, this is kind of…dare I say…unfortunate." he guffawed. "So much for purity, no?"

I didn't really want to get into that. The only thing I wanted was to get rid of it. I dared not touch _it_ because that would be impure but if I stayed this way I would certainly be very uncomfortable. I tried not to think about what would happen if my penis stayed this way.

"How do I…make it go away?"

My questions inspired a whole new round of choking laughter.

"Emmett," I nearly hissed, "don't be so childish, I need your help."

"Dude, please tell me you know what men usually do with a boner. Because I'm not sure I wanna tell you…actually, _I know_ I don't wanna tell you."

And then he started laughing again.

I was aware how to "take care of this" physically. But given the promise I'd made to God, I wasn't in the position to do that.

"I can't do _that,"_I said. "You know that."

But my brother protested. "I know nothing, bro. All I know is that you've got a boner and it needs to be taken care of.

"So take care of it," he pushed.

"How?" I groaned in frustration.

"Masturbate, Edward! That's what we men do when we're turned on. When we look at a dirty magazine, when we watch porn, when our girlfriends or wives look very sexy, our body responds. I know you can't imagine this but it happens. And when it does we take great pleasure in touching ourselves to relieve ourselves.

"Darn, it's creeping me out to have to tell you his, man." Emmett grumbled. "Like a weird kind of sex-ed class."

"You know I don't do such things," I countered in irritation and admittedly, slight disgust.

"Well, you better start then because that baby ain't going away unless you put your mind or hand to it."

"What are my other options?" I begged. I was willing to do anything that did not involve having to touch my penis. It was bad enough I had to when urinating and I always thoroughly washed my hands after, but to deliberately touch it to get rid of this physical stimulation was something I'd never be able to do.

Emmett sighed, muttering something about how he didn't understand why his brother could not simply jerk off like regular guys. Shame filled me upon hearing that my brother wished for me to be different; normal. Emmett had often teased me about the path I had chosen and I knew he didn't really understand but he had always respected my choice.

To hear him refer to me as someone who was not regular, kind of stung. Was I really not normal? I'd never seen myself as anything but normal but now I started having doubts. If I was "a man of flesh and blood" like Emmett had put it, then my faith would not protect me from experiencing these things like any other man would in the situations my brother had described.

And I didn't want to be in those situations. Not even out of mild curiosity. So maybe I was abnormal.

"I guess you could try a cold shower. Or maybe you could think of something really nasty…like that History teacher in 7th grade: Mrs. Murdock and her mustache," Emmett suggested. "She was the epitome of creepy.

"Or you just grab your dick and jerk off. That's the most effective and pleasurable way to deflate."

I sighed, defeated – but not_deflated_ as Emmett had called it.

"Look, Edward, I don't know what else to tell you," Emmett said sympathetically. "I bet it feels uncomfortable and I wish you would just take matters into your own hands," he chuckled at his wordplay, "but clearly you won't. Maybe a cold shower will work."

"Okay, I'll try that," I said before bidding my brother a hurried goodbye and hanging up.

I got up from the couch, my sweats straining with the pressure from my erection and decided to go for the simplest option: a cold shower.

I stripped out of my clothes – ignoring the prominent bulge below my waist - and turned the faucet as cold as it would go.

I shivered as I stepped under the spray and stood there, slowly turning myself into a lump of ice. I did try and think of Mrs. Murdock's mustache too to be on the safe side.

As I thought of the woman who had taught History in the 7th grade - Jacob had always called her "Murdock Mustache" – I found it to be kind of fascinating how imagining someone with less than attractive physical attributes was easy for me, but the opposite felt wrong. It was hypocritical to think one was allowed while the other was wrong when both held an equal amount of prejudice and judgment.

Slowly but effectively, I felt my penis shrink. Like watching air being let out of a balloon it "deflated" as Emmett had called it. I didn't actually watch but I could feel it. There was no thrill, no excitement.

_No release._

I remained in the shower and turned it hot. The spray of warm water soothed my icy limbs, while I rested my head against the tiles.

The "problem" had been taken care of, but what would happen if there was a next time? I couldn't continue to take cold showers all the time.

And the fact I believed there would be multiple "next times" was a huge problem in itself. Bigger than any erection I'd try to ignore.

* * *

"That's the final box."

It was Monday morning and I was tired. Tired because I had barely slept after lying awake most of the night.

And then, after drifting off close to 4:00 AM, a phone call woke me up less than four hours later.

It had been Alice Brandon. She'd called me to let me know that Bella was at the community center and had spent the night there. I'd been relieved about that because I had called Bella a few times after my cold shower last night and in true Bella fashion she had ignored all my calls. Knowing she had been out there somewhere in the pouring rain, not properly dressed and definitely not sober, had put the embarrassment of my physical reactions on the backburner of my mind for a while. The idea of an inebriated, easy to take advantage of Bella, who was all alone on the streets that were cold and cruel, had left me worried sick. Hence the lack of sleep.

Alice had explained what had really happened with Bella. She had gone to Cowgirls last night and Alice and Jasper had taken care of her, which I was grateful for. Alice had encouraged me to come to the community center straight away to talk to Bella but I knew she needed her time and space before we'd be able to sort things out.

After hanging up the phone and getting dressed I had checked my email, only to be notified that my morning class had been cancelled. Apparently our guest speaker – Monsignor Laurent; he had given a lecture before – had cancelled due to unknown reasons. I'd been very relieved about this because I would've been too tired to properly focus anyway.

Now having the morning off, I had surprised my mother with a visit and she had taken that as a cue to have me help her take some boxes full of clutter, clothes and books to the community center.

It was almost 10:00 AM and I figured Bella would be home by now. I contemplated texting her, but decided that space was the one thing I needed to give her.

"Let's go, Edward. Stop daydreaming." My mother called from the car.

I put the box in the trunk of her car and got into the passenger seat.

I did have my driver's license but hardly ever drove. I was used to riding my bike everywhere or use public transportation if the weather was uncooperative.

"How have you been, dear?" my mother inquired softly. She flashed me a smile before her eyes focused back on the road. "You look a bit tired."

My response was a yawn which caused her to chuckle. "I take it you didn't get enough sleep last night?"

"I didn't sleep very well," I affirmed. "But I am fine," I hastily added.

My mother sighed, her fingers drumming on the steering wheel as we waited for a light to turn green. "That's what your father always says. And he works too hard and gets far too little sleep as well. I've tried to convince him to take a few days off but he insists on keeping busy," my mother commented.

"In fact, next week he has to go to New Orleans for some meeting with a church there."

"New Orleans? Isn't that where Father Masen has been on and off to the past few weeks?"

"Yes. Apparently there are some issues with a member of one of the churches there. Your father didn't go into details when he told me but he said Bob wants him there because he is such a diplomat. Looks like there is a bit of crisis there."

Bob was Father Masen. I barely ever called him by his first name but since he was a family friend, it was normal for my mother to refer to him as "Bob".

"When will he leave?"

"Next Monday. He'll run a discussion group on Thursday and mass on Sunday. Bob will go back to New Orleans on Friday, so he won't be available for confession during the weekend."

My mother gave me a pointed look; she knew I preferred confessing to Father Masen. She was also making sure I understood there was a window of opportunity here. "So, if you're planning on going to confession," she suggested, "it needs to be before Friday."

"I'll try and see him before he leaves," I said.

"You know," my mother said, her voice sweet but I knew better; it sounded like she was about to scold me for something, "your father and I are not oblivious to the fact you have skipped a few confessions and that you haven't been to your discussion group in two weeks."

"I have been busy," I countered a little too sharply. I was tired of having to defend myself constantly.

"So I hear," my mother said calmly. "I suppose the Redemption Program is taking up a lot of time."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. "You make it sound like that's a bad thing. I'm trying to help someone," I pointed out.

My mother nodded. "I know, dear. There is no need to defend yourself. Not to me, nor your father. In fact, we are quite curious about the girl that has taken up so much of your time. Perhaps it's time we meet Isabella."

Meet her? My parents wanted to meet Bella?

My mother had once told my brother the exact same thing but in an entirely different context. When he had introduced Rosalie, my parents had been thrilled. I couldn't imagine they felt the same kind of delight at the idea of meeting Bella.

And it wasn't like I was "bringing home" a girl. If I'd introduced Bella to my parents – and that was a very big_ if _- it would be as a friend.

"I don't know," I hesitated. "I'm not sure she would feel comfortable with that."

"Come on, Edward. You spend plenty of time with Isabella, so she must be important to you."

It was true, she was important to me. More important than I often realized or allowed myself to admit.

"Alright, I'll ask her. But I can't make any promises," I warned my mother who was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"You ask her, dear. Perhaps we can arrange this before your father leaves for New Orleans."

"Yes, perhaps," I indulged her, knowing Bella would not agree so easily. Or _at all._

We arrived at the community center and luckily my mother managed to find a parking spot right in front, which made unloading all the boxes that much easier.

"I'll see if Alice is around, will you start taking the boxes out and carry them inside?"

"Sure," I said as I got out of the car and walked around it. I opened the trunk while my mother went inside.

I grabbed the first box and started walking to the door when I heard my mother speak words I wasn't prepared for.

"Isabella, how lovely to see you."

I nearly stumbled on the sidewalk as I heard my mother speak her name.

She was talking to Bella. What was she still doing here?

"Mrs. Cullen," I heard Bella say as I halted in front of the entrance to the center. Her voice was softer than I had ever heard before. She sounded exhausted.

"Call me Esme, please," my mother said.

I would have been perfectly content staying outside to listen to my mother and Bella interact but my mother wouldn't have any of it.

She turned around and with the movement I came into Bella's direct view. Upon noticing me, I saw her cringe visibly, her shoulders slumping before she averted her eyes.

"Don't just stand there, Edward," my mother berated me, "Alice needs that box. And you haven't even greeted Bella.

"It's such a coincidence. We were just talking about you."

I noticed how Bella's eyebrows shot up at the information and for the tiniest moment our eyes met. Hers burned with curious intensity for a second before she looked down again.

If my mother sensed the awkwardness between Bella and me, she definitely didn't let on. She simply gestured for me to get inside.

"Come on, Edward."

I grabbed the box off the pavement and carried it inside, trying to make eye contact with Bella again but she refused to look at me. I placed the box on a table and turned to greet Bella.

"Hi," I said quietly, giving her a small wave.

Bella didn't speak; she didn't look at me, she just gave me a nod.

Her face was flushed crimson; it was evident she was embarrassed.

"Edward was helping me with a few boxes," my mother explained to Bella, breaking the silence. "We didn't expect to see you here."

Bella finally lifted her eyes to meet mine as she spoke. "Alice let me crash here last night."

My mother nodded as if she completely understood. "The weather was awful last night, wasn't it? Just horrible. I don't think we have had this much rain in a long time."

"Yeah, it was pretty bad," Bella mumbled.

"It will be good for the plants though. Saves me the trouble of watering them," my mother chuckled.

I admired what she did, how she tried to diffuse the tension, even though I knew that it wouldn't matter what she said. Bella and I needed to talk on our own and the palpable anxiety could only be resolved that way.

Bella nodded at my mother and I could tell she was trying to be polite and pay proper attention to my mother's chatting.

"Well, I better go and find Alice. Edward, don't forget what we talked about," she added with a wink.

"Isabella, it was wonderful to see you," she spoke warmly and she reached out to give Bella's arm a gentle squeeze before taking the box and carrying it out back.

I expected her to flinch from the contact but Bella simply stared at the spot where my mother had touched her before she lifted her head to make eye contact.

"Bella," I said my voice unsure, "how are you?"

"Fine," Bella muttered. I could tell it was a lie.

"I called you a few times last night."

"I wasn't in the mood to answer my phone," Bella said coolly.

"I think we should talk about some things." I said.

Bella rolled her eyes but nodded. "Yeah, I guess we should."

"Do you want to grab some coffee?"

I noticed her frown but decided to ignore it.

"I need to get home. I need a shower and change my clothes," she said as she gestured at the sweatpants she was wearing with the high heels from the night before. The heels that had made her legs look…

_Don't even go there._

"Please," I pushed. "We need to talk."

"Not right now we don't. I am not in the fucking mood, okay," Bella said as she moved past me to get to the door.

"When?" I asked.

"I have a therapy session later," Bella sighed in irritation. "I need to get home now."

"I have one class this afternoon. I'll be done around 2:30 PM. We could hang out after?" I tried.

"I don't know," Bella hesitated.

"We really need to talk," I pointed out.

Bella gave in reluctantly. "Fine. I'm done with my session around 4:00. I could meet after."

"I could come and pick you up. We could have coffee somewhere downtown. Or dinner?"

"Let's start with coffee," Bella said before walking out the door without another word.

* * *

The day passed slowly. Before my afternoon class I spent some time on campus, where I ran into Seth. We talked about our weekends. Seth told me about some girl named Sophia he had met during the weekend. Apparently they had kissed and he had managed to "score" second base with her.

I had no idea what second base was and after my unnerving experience the previous night, I probably was better off not knowing.

Seth had no desire to practice abstinence and his future would never hold a close relationship to God. I'd used to feel bad for him because of that; because to me there was nothing greater than being close to God and I'd always felt like Seth was missing out. Of course it was not up to me to judge or change his mind about that.

But as I watched his eyes twinkle and his smile broaden when he talked about this girl Sophia, a foreign feeling came over me.

I wouldn't call it envy because it was one of the seven deadly sins but his detailed story on how funny and sweet she was, had me bordering on curiosity about what it would be like for me.

Especially when Seth brought up "my friend Bella" whom he called "hot" and insinuated she was someone I could "hook up" with – another phrase I wasn't very familiar with - I didn't feel the immediate need to correct him and simply shrugged while he talked about his date some more.

Later, during my Bible Study class, we were listening to a lecture about the Power of Transformation, read by a guest lecturer – Deacon Wilkes from Portland's St. Ignatius Parish. He was filling in as a substitute because our regular Professor – Father Jenkins - was away on a pilgrimage.

"Let's look at Romans 12, verse 1 and 2_: Therefore I exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice – alive, holy, and pleasing to God – which is your reasonable service. Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God – what is good and well-pleasing and perfect._

_"_The essence of these verses tells me: We might need to be transformed from the natural things of life so we can discern God's will."

I listened and took notes. The lecture was actually quite boring and not just because Deacon Wilkes didn't have the same charisma and way with words as Father Jenkins did.

Also, I found his assessment to be one that was lacking and incomplete. He used big words but said very little. The primary key of Romans 12 was about sacrifice and how it was the essence of godly love. If we were not willing to sacrifice, we were not showing love. It was as plain as that. Sacrifice was our reasonable, logical, and spiritual service. A way to exhibit godly love. If we didn't, we would sin.

"I think there is more to it," I said, without thinking. Deacon Wilkes raised his eyebrows as he turned to look at me.

"Mr. Cullen? You have something to say?"

"I disagree with your assessment. It seems incomplete."

"Well, would you care to add anything to it then?"

Deacon Wilkes was quite a smug person. He had great knowledge of the Scripture but he wasn't a very inspiring teacher.

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. "Paul contrasts the two options believers have in front of them regarding their behavior: They can either present themselves to sin; to make themselves available to sin or they can present themselves to God, meaning they make themselves available for his use to fulfill his desires. It's his desires; his wishes versus their own. To achieve that we must be willing to sacrifice ourselves."

I felt good about my analysis but the deacon seemed displeased.

"I am implying the exact same thing as you, Mr. Cullen but we must not strain a metaphor- the "living sacrifice" - too far. The sacrifices under the law are intended to make atonement for sin. The great sacrifice that has been made by Christ has given sufficient satisfaction for the sins of the whole world."

"You speak about sins. I am talking about sacrifices to serve God. About how His wishes come before our own."

I believed that, truly. When I thought of the sacrifice Jacob had made and how God had called me that day, I could think of no reason why someone would not sacrifice whatever was desired when asked. Being selfless brought us closer to God. He demanded us to be selfless when needed without questions asked.

"That's one interesting opinion, Mr. Cullen. However, I am sure you'll find that in the real world, sacrifices aren't always easily made. We may wish to be selfless all the time, but there will always be something that clashes with that.

"But tell me, would you burn to the stake if the Lord asked this of you?"

I shrugged, not willing to be baited by this man. "He would never ask. He knows I am completely devoted."

And with that I effectively ended any discussion, delighted and relieved that there was still a spark inside me that burned for my faith and for God.

My triumphant feeling lasted less than an hour. In theory I could debate Bible passages and their meaning and be completely absorbed by it. But in practice Deacon Wilkes' words rang truer than I was willing to admit.

How true they rang became evident during a meeting I had with Kate Smith; my dissertation counselor.

After class I rushed to the building where she held office. I knew I could no longer postpone an appointment with her and it bothered me I'd have to admit to her that my dissertation wasn't coming along all that well.

I found Kate in her office and out of polite courtesy I'd knocked on the door, even if it was open.

She looked up and smiled widely upon seeing me.

"Edward!"

Her enthusiasm was infectious and I gave her a warm smile in return. Kate Smith was "only" eight years older than me and she had studied Theology with a minor in Sociology. She had started the job as dissertation counselor at the start of the year. She insisted that everyone call her Kate, instead of Ms. Smith. She had not been hired on a permanent contract but only for a year, which – she had told me during our first meeting – she was completely fine with because she had plans to travel to South America for some missionary work after next summer.

"It's good to see you," she smiled as she gestured for me to take a seat. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"I've been busy," I told her. I was telling everyone the same thing lately.

Kate nodded. "Yes, the final year is such a busy one. I remember mine from a few years back. I don't know how I survived," she chuckled. "I lived on coffee and junk food, because I had no time to shop or cook."

I chuckled with her and watched as her eyes sparkled. They were a cool blue, quite the opposite of Bella's chocolate brown ones that held a flicker of gold in them whenever she smiled. Which she didn't do very often, unfortunately.

I realized I was, what Emmett would say, "checking Kate out". But it wasn't out of romantic interest. It was mere curiosity. Kate was very different from Bella. Not just physically but also in her demeanor.

Kate was confident and happy. Bella was unhappy and compensated for her well hidden insecurities with a tough exterior that was enhanced by lots of curses and the entire concept of her life style. If I were choosing partners, Kate would be a suitable choice.

I found myself engrossed in these bizarre musings as Kate chatted about her college experiences. So much for sacrifices. I'd been forgoing my church discussion group for weeks, my normal routine of going to confession twice a week, and was barely holding on to reading the Bible every night. It's all askew now because the mystery of Isabella Swan had captivated me.

The evidence was blatantly staring me in the face when Kate finally mentioned my dissertation.

"I have to say that the idea of your dissertation still impresses me. Every time I come across the title it makes me excited to see what you'll do with it…"

Nothing, nothing at all. I'd been doing lots of things recently but none of them had anything to do with my dissertation.

"The Experience of Divine Guidance," Kate read in a showy voice, "The Human Endeavor to Seek, Receive, and Follow Guidance from a Perceived Divine Source."

"I haven't really progressed," I admitted shyly. "I have been very busy."

It sounded vacant, like I was making excuses. And I was. I knew this. My entire life since I'd gotten to know Bella has turned upside down. It was time to get back on track.

Kate nodded. "When you skipped a few group sessions and didn't respond to emails I sent you to set up a meeting, I figured as much."

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

"Don't apologize. Tell me what's wrong. Do you need a new topic for your dissertation? Is that it?"

I shook my head. "No, not at all. I have truly been very busy. Distracted even."

Distracted was the proper way to explain it. I had been so wrapped up in Bella's world and trying to help her and be her friend that I had forgotten about all that I had believed in before I had met Bella.

And last night had been a red alert. A warning that I was on a slippery slope to lose everything I'd worked for if I didn't take a step back and re-prioritize some things.

"Distracted, hmm?" Kate pondered. "Usually when a student uses that term, it means they have met someone and are trying to find their feet romantically, so to speak."

I blinked at her suggestion, my mouth a little open in shock. "No, no," I said, "it's not romantic... I mean, it is about a girl, but I am just her friend."

Kate nodded but her eyes betrayed she didn't quite believe me. "If you say so. It's not my business."

"No really," I explained. "A friend of mine is going through a tough time and I am helping her."

"And this is taking up_all_ of your time?" Kate asked and I could hear the skepticism in her voice.

"I am part of a program run by the community center downtown. It's called the Redemption Program. I am a so called 'buddy' – a sponsor for one of the Program's participants."

Kate's frown disappeared and she looked a tad remorseful. "I see. Well, that's a very noble cause."

"I just want to help this girl who has had a tough life."

"I understand. Of course you do. But you can't forget about your own life in the process."

"I know," I said. "I don't want to. But I do have a responsibility to help her. I am obligated to do so. I can't let her down."

My entire life was about Bella recently. Maybe it was time to take a step back. I had my own goals and obligations in life and helping Bella could not be an all consuming element in it.

"Let's talk about your dissertation. Do you have any idea how to gain research material? How are you going to highlight divine guidance?"

"I want to use my own experience as a main theme. I have this journal; it's old, from when I was a teen and I want to include it," I said.

The journal was from the time just after Jacob had died, when I'd been trying to discover my faith and the best way to practice it.

"I like that, but don't make it too personal. I favor the idea of a proactive dissertation. Not just numbers and stats but a detailed outline of someone's life and their experiences of divine guidance. It can be more than one, of course. Perhaps more perspectives on the same topic? You could do something mirroring your own journey versus those of others."

I liked the idea of that and Kate's views proved to be helpful and inspiring.

"Like strangers or people I know?"

Kate rubbed her chin as she seemed to be mulling the question over. "Well, do you know anyone in your direct surroundings that needs divine guidance? Or has experienced it? Because that would be interesting. Perhaps have some views from people who don't involve themselves in the church at all? To have perspective on both sides of the spectrum? What do you think?" Kate said.

_Bella._

Like a broken neon sign her name flashed in my mind. Like the most obvious conclusion her face obscured my vision.

Bella.

She could use divine guidance. In fact, she may very well be the perfect subject when it came to "the Experience of Divine Guidance".

The perfect subject, even if she hated everything about religion.

No. I couldn't ask her to become one of my subjects. And there was no way she would agree.

"Edward? What do you think?"

"I…I may know someone. But I have to check with them first," I hedged, knowing it would be a fruitless mission to convince Bella that her experience should to be a part of my dissertation.

Kate nodded. "Why don't we meet again in a week? You can put some ideas on paper and we'll discuss them. We could meet again next Monday? I'll email you a time."

I nodded and got up. "Thanks for making some time for me."

"Anytime, Edward," Kate smiled widely. "You're one of my favorite free to stop by whenever you feel like it."

I flashed her an uncomfortable smile before leaving her office.

I was no expert but I could have sworn her last comment had meant to be flirtatious.

The fact I recognized it as such, was just another thing to add to the growing list of things that confused and frightened me these days.

* * *

I was nervous as I waited outside of the office where Bella had her therapy session.

Nervous because I knew about her unwillingness to talk, it had been pretty obvious before.

Nervous because we needed to talk no matter what. Nervous, because there were things I had to tell her; things she might not want to hear

When she exited the office she gave me a tentative smile as she spotted me.

"Hi."

"Hi," she said.

There was a Starbucks across the street that I pointed to. "Coffee?"

"Sure."

The place was nearly empty as we entered. I held the door, so Bella could walk in first and asked her what she wanted – plain black coffee, no cookie – before ordering.

To the casual observer it could have easily looked like a coffee date. Both Bella and I knew better. This was no date.

I carried our order back to the table where Bella had taken a seat, gently placing the paper cup in front of her, which earned me a mumbled "thanks".

For a good few minutes the silence was awkward and filled with tension. Bella stared at her coffee cup, while I stared at her.

I had no idea how to start this and she made no move to say anything. Should I bring up the previous night and Bella's physical state when she'd been at my apartment? Should I bring up_ my _physical state when she'd been at my apartment_?_

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. Like ripping off a band aid, I opened my mouth.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out, thinking an apology would be a good place to start. "I don't really know what else to say."

Bella lifted her eyes to mine and I could tell she was confused. "What are you sorry for?"

"I suppose I should've told you about my future plans. I didn't keep them from you deliberately."

Bella nodded. "I am sure you didn't but it still bothers me."

"Why?"

"Because it's fucking wrong!" Bella said angrily, slamming down her coffee cup which caused some of the brown liquid to slosh over onto the small table.

"What is?" I wondered. "The fact I want to be a priest is wrong? I don't see how it can be. It's my calling."

"Of course you would think that, you've lived with this idea for years. But you know…sometimes you want to be something and years later, when you realize what it fucking means, you don't want it anymore."

"It's a choice, Bella." I countered firmly. "I am not going to change my mind about it."

"It's a stupid choice," she muttered. Her eyes looked sad, almost like my choice affected her personally.

"Why are you responding so violently to this? What does it matter to you what I do with my life?" I asked because I truly didn't understand why it bothered her so much. Whatever the underlying reason for her reaction was, she didn't seem to want to share with me.

Bella's cheeks turned red and I knew I had hit a nerve with her. She cared for some reason. She cared about the choices I made.

"It's not a fucking big deal," she muttered. "I don't care."

She did.

"If you don't care then why are you so angry?"

"You should have told me. All this time, I expected…I…"

"You expected what?"

Bella sighed and buried her face in her arm for a second to gain her composure. Her deep breaths came unsteadily and she shivered as she looked up.

"I just didn't expect you to be like that. I should have known but I didn't," she said as she lifted her head. "You're a good guy; you're not supposed to be a part of that. It's so wrong."

"Do you even know what _that_ is? I understand you have your opinion about it and I respect that but I think you're being short sighted about this."

"I know fucking plenty," Bella hissed. "Just because you have delusions about religion and believe it's good like puppies and sunshine, it doesn't mean you can patronize me into thinking religion is good. It's fucking not."

I sighed and dragged my hand through my hair, frustrated that Bella refused to accept a different view.

"I don't want to make you feel bad, Bella, I want to understand why you feel the way you feel."

Bella didn't say a word. She just looked very uncomfortable as her eyes shifted between me and her coffee.

"I am your friend, Bella," I said softly as I reached out and covered her hand with mine without thinking. The jolt of electricity that shot through my arm – and possibly hers - startled us both so much, that I almost knocked over her coffee and mine in the process.

Bella looked as confused as me when I jerked my hand away, staring at it as if it had caught fire. Her skin had felt as warm and soft as it had the night before.

And my crotch felt like it was on fire too.

_Sacrifice, Edward,_I chanted_. Sacrifices for God. Sacrifices for Bella. Your choice has been made._

I took a deep breath and decided to get to the point. I couldn't help Bella this way. I could not stray from my own path either.

"More than anything I want to help you. But if my choices and beliefs stand in the way of that then maybe we should find you a new buddy," I spoke sadly.

The last thing I wanted was to let Bella down. I wanted to be her friend; I wanted to help her through this. But I also remembered what Kate had said: how helping someone didn't mean I had to give up my own life. Sacrifices were not about selflessness, according to Deacon Wilkes and it wasn't always possible to make them. But the ones we did make, we did for the greater good of things.

And as much as I wanted to help Bella, if I didn't step back I would lose sight of the bigger picture God had planned for me. My mind flashed back to my Spiritual Discernment class, where professor Kelly had asked us if we'd had the experience of thinking we were being led by God to do something, and it turned out _not_ to be so.

I hadn't understood the concept of such a thing back then. But what if Bella was that experience? What if this had nothing to do with fallen angels and being godsend?

After all, there was no trust between Bella and I; all we seemed to be doing was playing a cat and mouse game that didn't help us any further. The connection we had was awkward and conflicting and we had made little progress to get her life on track. I was failing as her buddy because I'd been too overwhelmed by the essence of her.

Bella looked at me, her face pale and her eyes tired. There was so much emotion in them. Secrets I didn't know, feelings I didn't understand.

But then, those brown eyes turned cold and her lips stretched into a hard line.

"If that's what you want," she said coolly. "Walk away. Like I fucking care."

"I don't want that, Bella. But we can't play this game all the time. It's impossible. It won't get us anywhere. Clearly you don't trust me. I wish you did, but you don't. We either try to build that trust or we find you someone else who can help you," I said.

"I don't even fucking know what I want," Bella said in agony. "I know this is a great opportunity to get me out of this fucked up shit. But then I see Angela who is still on the streets, fucking her way out of high medical bills and I fucking envy her. I know it is sick, but I can't help it. And I am so fucking tired. That's the only reason I took that damn pill. I just wanted to feel better."

My heart ached for her and my soul bled. Bella was so lost. Not so long ago I'd been convinced she was a godsend; that He had brought her to me so I could help her. But I had not anticipated all these conflicting feelings. All these foreign emotions that she had unleashed in me. They clouded everything and clashed with the purpose of getting her life on track.

"Did you tell Dr. Carmen?" I asked, hoping she had_, knowing_ she hadn't.

"That quack just wants to drill me – and not the kinky kind. I don't want to share emotions and feelings with her," Bella admitted. "And she'll probably have me committed when she finds out about my drug use."

"It was just once, right?" I asked.

Bella nodded.

"Then I doubt she wants to have you in rehabilitation or something. All Doctor Carmen can do is help you make sense of your feelings. She is not out to judge you," I pointed out.

"Look," Bella said, her shoulders slumped in defeat. "Let's make this easy; let me go back to my old life. You can become a priest and do whatever you have been planning to do since forever and I won't be a burden anymore. It'll be the best thing for both of us."

I knew that was a lie. I knew that leaving Bella now would be a disaster. She would go off the deep end, develop a drug addiction and hurt herself so badly she could end up getting killed and I could not risk that. That wasn't what God had planned for both of us, I was sure of it. But, in order to save her, I would have to sacrifice trying to be her friend. I could be her buddy, but not her friend.

"If we both walk away, what will happen to you? Where will you end up?"

"Who the fuck cares about me? It doesn't matter! I'll go back to what I know; I'll go back to fucking men in dark alleys and sleazy clubs. That's what I fucking do best."

"It matters _to me,_ Bella," I said, raising my voice a little, "_I care_ about you. I think about you when I shouldn't. You have turned my life upside down and I don't think I can walk away now, even if that would be the easy way out…"

_I don't know if I can't be your friend._

"We shouldn't want the easy way out," I said.

"Take the fucking easy way out, Edward!"

I shook my head. "No."

Bella rolled her eyes but they were soft. "I know you mean well and that's fucking sweet and all but I am a lost cause."

"You are not!" I countered, furious now which I never was. "You are worth it. You're not a lost cause."

If Bella was a lost cause then I would fail. And failing wasn't an option. Not for her, not for me.

_Make the sacrifice,_ Edward, I reminded myself.

"So where does that leave us?" Bella muttered. "Because my head hurts and I don't know what the fuck to do."

"I believe it's called an impasse," I laughed humorlessly.

"Well that fucking sucks," Bella mumbled.

I nodded and couldn't help but smile, which caused Bella to smile too.

"It does."

"Are you agreeing with me?" Bella grinned and the sight of her chocolate eyes lit afire with golden specks was beautiful.

_Careful, Edward. She is not an object of affection._

"Did you mean it? Do you really care?"

"I do."

_I care too much._

"And you really think about me more than you should?"

"Sometimes I need to focus on other things and even then you pop into my mind."

_Make the sacrifice. Be her buddy, not her friend._

"I'm sorry about that," Bella said sheepishly. "And I'm sorry about stopping by your apartment last night and leaving like that. I shouldn't have. Not like _that_."

I knew exactly what she meant but neither of us dared to mention what had passed between us the night before in detail.

"It's alright. Maybe the key is to find a new balance. Reset the plan, so to speak," I suggested,

Bella's eyes went wide, like I had just suggested a very strange thing. "A reset?"

"Yes, like a do-over," I clarified.

Bella nodded in understanding. "Yes, I would sure as hell fucking like one."

"So, that's what we do?" I asked as I reached out my hand slowly to touch hers so Bella would see it coming.

Bella nodded as she allowed our hands to touch. Again.

"A do-over," she whispered.

I smiled and she smiled back while I tried to ignore the warm tingly feeling that shot through my arm as my palm engulfed the back of her hand.

Tomorrow, we would start back at one.

* * *

**A/N: Priestward had his first boner. And calls his brother for help. If there's a problem with your peen, you call Emmett. This has to be a fanfic rule ;) As for Edward, he's been slacking but the question is: can he go back to the way he was before, or will he need to learn to accept that change is imminent for him as well...**

**More about Romans 12: 1 and 2 http:/bible(dot)org/seriespage/towards-biblical-definition-spiritual-formation-romans-121-2**

**Little more about previous chapters: Ben doesn't know about Angela's "profession" yet. Bella has not been 'whoring around' since that "fateful" night with Laurent. **

**I know some people wish we would "get to it" but really...it's impossible for me to have Edward and Bella hook up between now and 5-10 chapters ahead. This story will stick around for a while and slow progress is the way to go. If you don't like that, I respect it but it won't make me change the story. I am all for listening to my readers and I want to make readers happy but I have to stay true to my original premise. This is a journey of acceptance, healing and discovery and those things take time. Having said that, "resetting" everything won't work. Edward will realize that soon enough.**

**As always, thanks for all your reviews. I appreciate all of them :) Welcome to new readers!**

**Have a good week!**

**~ Fic Rec: Love is the End by phoebes. promise: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6445022/1/ The author calls it: "****a love story as told by Edward" and the prologue sucked me right in. It's complex and beautiful. Read it, you won't be sorry!**


	20. What To Expect

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. I heart her!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 19: WHAT TO EXPECT**

_Knock. Knock._

Crap. I wasn't fucking ready.

Today was going to be one of those days I wanted to skip.

Today was group therapy day.

The people who went to group therapy were losers. It was impossible to use the word "group therapy" and not associate it with the concept of the people participating being fucking losers.

Including _me,_ which was why I was not fucking looking forward to it.

_Knock. Knock._

Seriously, I was not fucking ready.

I was struggling to pull my jeans on and trying to make it to the door without being fucking half naked or tripping over. It was definitely a challenge.

I had woken up after another shit-filled night full of nightmares and sweaty slumbers, knowing that at least I had an hour to wake up a little and get ready in peace.

Stumbling my way to the door, I glanced at the clock, to find that it was not even 9:00.

Someone – my guess was _Edward_ – had decided to come over early. _An hour early._

He was such a fucking time freak.

_Knock. Knock._

"Hold on!" I yelled as I pulled on my socks.

I grabbed a rubber band to tie my hair together in a loose bun before finally reaching the door.

I opened it and stared in the face of Edward Cullen. As expected.

"Good morning," he beamed.

He sure was cheery. And he looked fucking delicious with his black jeans, grey hoodie and a white tee underneath.

_Don't go there,_ Bella. _He's a friend. Sort of._

"Morning," I muttered as I invited him in. "You're early. _Very_ early."

It sounded more accusatory than I'd meant for it to.

"I figured we could have coffee or breakfast first. We don't have to be at the community center until 10:30."

"If you want. You're kinda time freak by the way."

It had been two weeks since we'd agreed to start over and so far, so fucking good. Well, sort of. Most of our previous routine hadn't changed.

Edward still called me every night and we met for coffee or breakfast a few times a week. Other than that, he had busied himself with his studies and I had tried to fill my days with trying not to lose my fucking mind. Angela had given me her recipe book to bake cookies to experiment with because her trial batch for the upcoming bake sale had failed and she pushed the envelope over to me to provide her with cookies for the bake sale now. I had reluctantly agreed because at least it kept me busy, even if I didn't give a shit about this whole bake sale thing.

I had tried several recipes with Angela and Edward as willing victims of my baking experiments and both of them had praised me for the results. I would never admit this made me fucking happy so I always shrugged off their compliments.

Another thing that hadn't changed was the fact that Edward was still a fucking priest in the making and it still fucking bothered me. But I tried to be open-minded about his choice and he tried not to rub it in my face. Most of the time we stayed clear from topics like church and religion, knowing it would only lead to unnecessary arguments about irresolvable conflicts. Edward and I kept it light and polite. Like any other Redemption Program buddy and participant would.

"So, breakfast?" Edward wondered as he glanced at the clock. "We can go somewhere close to the community center. We have some time for that."

"Time freak."

"I'm not a time freak, Bella. If you plan your morning ritual properly, you always have time to spare."

"You have time because you're _a time freak_. I'm barely ready because I didn't expect a time freak like you to fricking bother me," I huffed. "Look at me, my hair is still wet and I don't even have shoes on."

Edward looked me over, his green emerald eyes bright and almost sparkling. There was something in them that I couldn't decipher.

"You look ready to me," he said softly before shaking his head as if he was trying to clear his mind.

It looked fucking odd. I glanced down at myself because I figured I was looking weird or something.

I wore simple dark blue jeans and a grey tunic. Paired off with the grey chucks I planned to wear, I looked plain and normal. Nothing special. No reason for Edward to act weird.

"I'll put on my shoes and then we can go," I said.

"Yes, okay," Edward said, distracted.

I quickly put on my chucks before turning back to Edward.

"Well, let's go then," I said before grabbing my jeans jacket and grey satchel and opening the door.

Edward followed me out into the hall where we ran into Angela and Ben. Ben was taking Angela out for the day. They had spent a lot of time together in the past few weeks and I guessed he was sort of her boyfriend now. She had hinted at a few lip-locks but also claimed she "didn't kiss and tell".

Smartass.

Dating Ben thrilled Angela as much as it terrified her because she worried about telling him about her "after hour" activities. She didn't want him to know just yet, claiming the relationship was too fragile.

"I can't tell him right now, Bella," she had told me a few nights ago. "Not yet. I need him to trust me first. Besides, I don't even know _how_to tell him."

Honestly, if it had been me, I would have told him. Nothing good could come of keeping this a secret. Of course, it wasn't up to me to spill the beans. Besides, we all had our secrets.

There was still plenty I was keeping from Edward. Although, my reasons for not telling him were mostly self protection because I didn't want to face these fucking secrets myself.

"Bella, Edward! Hey!" Angela called as she led Ben out of her apartment. "You two heading off?"

I nodded while Edward said yes and moved to introduce himself to Ben.

"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen. You must be Ben."

Ben smiled pleasantly and took Edward's hand. "Ben Cheney. Nice to meet you man. Heard stuff about you."

Edward turned to look at me, eyebrows raised. "Bella has mentioned me?"

I shook my head and tried to ignore Edward's surprised look.

Did he expect me to talk about him? Did he want me to? Did I want to?

"Nah, Angela mostly. Bella here thinks I'm a drug dealer and a general bad guy so she ignores me most of the time."

"I don't think that," I grumbled. "Besides, since you're the one providing Ang with pills in every color, it's not a stretch to believe that you're a dealer."

Ben shrugged and flashed us a mischievous smile. "Relax; I am just messing with you."

"As always," I huffed before moving past my best friend and her beau towards the stairs.

"I better follow her," Edward said before bidding Angela and Ben goodbye. "I never know where she'll wander off to," he added as a joke.

"I heard that," I yelled before Edward bounded down the stairs to catch up with me.

We arrived at a small diner that was just a few blocks from the community center after a twenty minute bus ride. The place was not very crowded so we could sit by the window.

A chirpy bottle blonde waitress bounced on her cheap strappy heels as she approached us. She was wearing a black skirt that was way too fucking short and a top with the diner's logo that was two sizes too small and gave plenty of "insight" into her "assets"

"Hi, I'm Nessie! I'll be your waitress this morning. Would you like to see the menu, or do you know what you're gonna have?"

She beamed at Edward while she ignored me. Edward flashed her a polite smile which caused her to jut her chest out, leaning in a little so he could have a nice visual of her obvious cleavage.

_Fake tits, check. And what kind of fucking name was "Nessie"?_

The irony made me fucking chuckle. Like choirboy Edward would ever give her tits a second glance. He wouldn't even know what to do with them if she asked him to fondle her on the spot.

"I'll have a cup of coffee and a cheese danish," Edward told her.

"Alrighty then!" she smiled, showing off her pearly whites. Reluctantly she turned around to face me. I noticed her skin was an artificial glowing brown which made her blue eyes pop and her fake blonde hair look like a glow in the dark wig.

_Fake tan, check. Fake hair, check. Fake everything, check._

I raised one eyebrow in disapproval before telling Nessie I'd like some coffee as well.

She didn't say a word to me as she wrote down my order.

_So much for customer service, Tits McFake. No tip for you._

After she finished she turned to give Edward one more smile before walking off.

I rolled my eyes, which Edward caught. "What?" he wondered, before he added, "Aren't you ordering something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," I told him. "And Loch-Nessie was totally flirting with you."

Edward frowned at the idea and shook his head, dismissing it instantly. "She was just being nice. It's her job to be professional."

I snorted. "Please, she was sticking her ti…boobs in your face. That's called professional in my line of work."

Edward shook his head at my misplaced joke and decided to change the subject back to what I'd ordered. Or the lack thereof.

"Why won't you order something to eat? You really shouldn't skip breakfast. Are you feeling sick?"

I shook my head, slightly embarrassed. It wasn't so much that I wasn't hungry; it was more that I didn't have the money to constantly eat out. The benefits I got were pocket change compared to what I'd made before, which had never been that much to begin with.

I wanted to be grateful to have some sort of income that no longer required me to drop on my knees and open wide but fuck I hated to scrape the money barrel to financially support myself.

It was bad enough that Edward paid for coffee every single time we went out and the last thing I wanted was for him to notice that I was struggling.

I didn't want to be his fucking charity case any more than I already was.

"I'm just not hungry," I stated, hoping he'd drop it.

Edward didn't. In fact, Edward was so damn intuitive and annoying that he went straight to the counter and spoke to Tits McFake - who was grinning from ear to ear, thinking he needed her "customer service" – before he came back to the table, a smug smile gracing his too gorgeous face.

"What the fuck did you do?" I demanded, glaring at him angrily.

Edward frowned at my glare but I didn't back down.

"I ordered you an omelet and you're going to eat it."

"The fuck I will," I muttered.

"Bella, don't start," Edward scoffed.

"Don't treat me like a child," I hissed. "I said I wasn't fucking hungry."

"Don't act like a child if you don't want to be treated like one," Edward countered with a smirk.

"Know-it-All."

Edward stuck out his tongue and winked.

Yes, he fucking winked. I didn't know what happened but our little "reset" had certainly loosened him up a little. That was one thing _that had_ significantly changed.

Tits came back to bring us our food and drinks and gave Edward another flirty smile while I waited for someone, _anyone_ to wipe it off. I contemplated sticking my fork into her fake rack but decided that would be too messy.

Her hips swayed when she walked away, the movement obviously meant for Edward to admire her ass but Edward – sweet, pure and oblivious Edward - was looking at me instead.

_Score one, bitch._

"She is flirting," I muttered. "I bet she would love to shove her boobs in your face or have you bury your face in there."

Edward ignored my statement and started eating his danish while I eyed my omelet.

"Eat it," he pointed out. "You don't want it to get cold."

"I can't let you pay for everything all the time," I said before grabbing a fork. I started to poke at the egg dish, deciding between being stubborn and ignore the food or simply eat because I was hungry.

"Bella, it's fine. I don't mind paying for you," Edward assured me when he noticed my dilemma.

"But I fu…mind."

I really tried to swear less around Edward because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I had no fucking clue if god would resent Edward because he spent time around someone with such a colorful vocabulary but I didn't want to tick his box of sins any more than my presence in his life probably already did.

Of course, I didn't always succeed.

"Bella, don't worry. I can afford it."

"But you're a student. College and all is fu...fricking expensive, right?" I wondered. "Aren't most students like…poor?"

Edward chuckled at my assumption. "I'm not poor."

"So you're snooty," I countered as I took a bite of omelet, which was – I had to admit- fucking fantastic.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Take your pick, Bella. I am either snooty or poor."

"Snooty then…"

"Snooty it is," Edward grinned as he took a sip of coffee.

"So, how come you're not poor?"

Edward – who had just taken a bite – frowned and chewed before wiping his mouth. "That's kind of a rude question…"

I shook my head and dropped my fork. "You're the one who said you weren't poor. I am just asking why that is."

"You're curious," Edward. "And you know what they say about curiosity…"

"Oh, please…it didn't kill the cat. A freaking cat has nine lives."

"My grandfather died a few years ago and well...there was a trust fund for Emmett and me."

"So he was rich?" I asked, unable to stop myself. From what I'd heard and observed myself it was obvious the Cullens were very capable financially but I hadn't expected a rich granddad with enough money to set up a couple of trust funds.

Edward smirked. "I know you love to be direct and get straight to the point but not everyone will be thrilled about your bluntness."

"Nice diversion but that's not answering the question," I said, sticking out my tongue.

"My grandfather was a lawyer and he invested his money well. I suppose he was rich."

"It's pretty cool he gave you a trust fund. What did Emmett do with his?"

Edward sighed, probably because of my bluntness but he didn't comment on it again and answered the question instead.

"Emmett used the money to get his degree in civil engineering and start his business, which was a risk because having the start-up capital covered doesn't equal instant financial stability. He works very hard to make the business successful," Edward explained.

"And you?"

"I have a full scholarship, so that part is covered, financially."

"Lucky."

Edward nodded. "It is. I pay for my apartment from my trust fund plus my parents set up a savings account for Emmett and me when we were born. And ultimately, I don't need a lot of money."

So Edward was living off the money others had saved up for him with state sponsored education to boot. Somehow I'd pictured him to be more self-made than that.

"Don't you want a job though, make your own money? I mean, a trust fund is sweet and all but it doesn't make you very independent."

I actually wanted to ask him how the church felt about trust fund sponsored wealth but decided against it.

Edward seemed thoughtful for a moment before answering my question. "I'll be done next year. I'm not sure what I'll do after that. Maybe some missionary work."

"But you need an income right? I'm sure the trust fund and your savings will run out. Unless you invested the money. Have you invested the money?"

"I haven't," Edward said. "But like I said, I don't need that much money anyway."

"But you will work?" I wondered. "Isn't that missionary stuff voluntary?"

"Honestly, Bella, I don't know what I want. What matters is that you don't need to worry when I buy you coffee or dinner, okay?" Edward said, agitated.

"Fine," I huffed.

"Speaking of dinner, remember what I asked you last week? About having dinner with my family?"

I nodded. I hadn't forgotten. The idea had plagued me since he had suggested it. Having dinner with Edward's parents would be a Twilight zone-like experience; the whore and the church worshipping family. The concept was kind of insane.

But because it seemed important to Edward, I hadn't rejected the invite. And Edward's reasoning made it seem a little less insane.

He told me that in order to create trust between us, we'd need to get to know each other and the important people in our lives.

The way I saw it was simple: he knew Angela and I'd already met Emmett and Esme so I was totally fine with that being enough of the whole "this is my family tree" experience but Edward had other ideas.

I hoped he didn't expect to meet _my_ parents any time soon.

"What about it?"

"My mother suggested Saturday. My father is back from his trip to New Orleans and Emmett and his wife Rosalie will be there too."

"_This _Saturday?" I asked quietly.

Saturday was pretty fucking soon. Too soon. Then again, any date would be too soon.

"Yes. I know it's in three days and maybe it's short notice, but what do you think?"

"I don't know. I mean, do you think they want to? Are they really okay with me being there?"

_A whore in their sacred environment._

Edward nodded. "Definitely. My mother has been begging me for weeks. She's really curious about you."

That definitely didn't bode fucking well. If curiosity was the reason then I might as well be one of those charity projects where a god-loving – _or was that fearing_ - family invited a whore into their home to look good.

God loved charity, after all.

"Well, you know what they say about curiosity," I deadpanned, throwing Edward's earlier comment about his wealth back in his face.

"Touché," Edward said. "But it would mean a lot to me."

"Saturday?"

Edward nodded.

"I'll think about it."

We finished our breakfast and Edward went to pay the bill while I used the restroom. When I came back, I noticed Edward waiting for me by the door.

"Ready?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Here, I picked this up," Edward said as he held up a flyer that read "Help Wanted."

"It's a waitressing job," Edward explained, noticing my confusion. "But maybe they'll let you help out with the cooking as well."

For some reason it pissed me off that Edward was suggesting I apply for a job and possibly work side by side with Tits McFake in the process, while he lived off of other people's money.

"So first the staff is hitting on you and now you are trying to force me to work with the skank that was hitting on you?" I hissed as we walked outside. "That's priceless, Edward."

I was fucking pissed. How dare Mr. Trust Fund try and get me to work with Tits McFake.

"Bella, you need a job. It's part of the Program."

_Said he who didn't have a job._

I grabbed the flyer from Edward's hand and with the movement a small card dropped to the floor.

I picked it up to find it was a card with the diner's contact information. It had a number written on the back of it.

Tits' number, I presumed.

"So? She wasn't flirting?" I smirked as I waved the card in front of him.

Fucking Tits, she sure was bold.

I hated the bitch for it, even if I didn't know her at all. Something predatory inside me wanted to claw her eyes out.

Edward was mine. Well, not _mine –_mine but enough "mine" for her not to shove her fake tits in his face. I didn't even get to do that. Oh, and my tits were obviously not fake.

Edward's cheeks turned red and he smiled sheepishly.

"Maybe she was. But I didn't notice," he said to defend himself.

I rolled my eyes. Of course he wouldn't notice something like that. I gave him a boner and he had yet to mention it – since that night weeks ago, we had both pretended that had never happened – so he would definitely not notice when a girl was flirting with him.

"So, if you're not going to use this card and you fuc…you insist that I ask about this job," I held up the flyer for emphasis, "then I guess _I_should call Ti...Nessie."

Edward shook his head laughing, before leading us away from the diner.

* * *

"George, Mary, good to see you again," Doctor Eleazar spoke warmly as he wrote the word "WELCOME" on a white board next to the door before sitting back down.

He looked every bit the cartoon version of a shrink with his grey beard, a knitted vest, corduroy pants and fucking brown loafers.

We were sitting in a circle, all facing each other. Our buddies were seated next to us. It was supposed to make us feel more familiar with each other to sit this way with a wide open space in the middle but it definitely made people feel self conscious. Their body language showed that much.

George greeted us with his head down, mumbling a quiet "Hi", while Mary – his buddy – held her head high and gave everyone a loud and clear "Hey, Y'all!"

Her wide smile was far too happy for my liking and Edward, who noticed my instant annoyance, gave me a small shoulder bump which distracted me and stopped me from rolling my eyes at Mary's fucking enthusiasm.

His touch freaked me out less than it had before. In the past few weeks Edward had become a bit touchy feely with me. Nothing intimate obviously, they were casual "buddy" touches and I was sure Edward didn't even know what he was doing or how it made me feel. Sometimes it still freaked me out because general touching often reminded me of times I really wanted to forget. Plus, Edward's touches were usually accompanied by an electric current running through me. Which freaked me out as well.

I shook my head to help me focus on the introductions as they continued.

Lisa, the African-American teenage girl with red cuts visible on her arms, and her buddy Molly, a slightly chubby housewife with blonde hair and friendly grey eyes both said hello.

Lisa was a pretty girl but her face was caked with makeup and her outfit screamed hooker – _said the hooker_ – which made her look far older than she was.

She reminded me of myself when she sat there, using eye-rolls to show her boredom. But her eyes were different; vacant.

And there was such a contrast between her and her buddy Molly. Not just in skin tone but in age and behavior as well. Edward had told me Molly had children and her body language towards Lisa gave proof of that. She was gentle but not pushy with the girl. And Lisa seemed to be cool with Molly because she accepted her buddy's quiet encouragement and even allowed Molly to correct her as she sat there - slouched down and muttering.

After Lisa it was Jack's turn; I remembered him from last time when he'd been fucking high as a kite. Right now he looked sober, judging from the annoying nervous tapping of his feet which betrayed typical rehab behavior.

Jack's buddy was a guy named Buck; big and brawny like a bodyguard. He was cracking his knuckles, which was almost as annoying as what the guy he was supporting was doing.

And finally, there was me, the prostitute and Edward, the someday priest; complete opposites. But somehow it worked in all its awkwardness.

"Alright, let me start by introducing myself. I am Victor Eleazar. I am forty eight years old and I am here to help you with two very important and essential things to make this program successful. One: to build trust between you and your buddy. Two: to make progress in your life and leave the demons that have held you back behind for good."

Make progress? Leave the demons behind? Was this guy for fucking real? Was this a professional? Because it sounded like he'd read way too many self help books because he had a cushy boring life and fucking got off on judging people on their bad behavior.

"I'll be working together with Miranda Carmen, your therapist, to monitor your progress."

Oh joy, just what I needed. This quack and the other one to co-conspire against me to help me "leave behind my demons".

My inner monologue was dying to be shared aloud but Edward's soft whisper prevented me from doing it.

"Give it a chance."

I was about to argue when the woman with the slight southern accent raised her hand.

"Yes, Mary ?"

_You show 'em, Mary_, I silently cheered.

"I'm aware of your input from previous years but maybe the others are wonderin' what the difference is between you and Doc. Carmen. Maybe you can clarify what your contribution to the Redempton Program is?"

Being a condescending asshole who knew shit about helping people. Just a guess.

"Thanks for pointing that out, Mary. You can see me as a life-coach. Doctor Carmen will assess your personal needs; help you with your personal traumas. But we mustn't forget this is a group effort too. It's important to be with like minded souls who know how you feel and what you are going through. You can learn from each other's experience and feel a little less lost."

The way this guy described it, he made it seem simple. But it was far from easy. My fellow participants were as fucked up as me. The look in their eyes – the plain defeat, the last straw of hope holding them together – was like looking in a fucking mirror. It was confrontational.

And so, while this man – a certified fucking professional - yapped on and on about changes, like minded souls and feelings, I resisted the urge to roll my eyes every five seconds because he obviously talked big but had probably never been through tough times himself.

"I know it's natural to feel wary," Doctor Life-coach spoke. "That's very normal. Everyone fears the unknown."

He got up and walked back to the whiteboard. He grabbed a marker and wrote something down while he talked.

"You have to remember we are all here with the best of intentions. And, to quote Franklin D Roosevelt," he wrote:

"There's Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself"

Okay, now I really wanted to fucking roll my eyes. Even Edward looked a bit skeptical.

"I want to start with a round of 'Expectations' as I would call it. I want to know what you think you'll gain from the Redemption Program."

He wrote down the word "Expectations" on the board and our names underneath.

"I want everyone to share their expectations. Every session we'll revisit them, so that we won't forget the goals we have set for ourselves."

Expectations. I had none. That was probably not a good thing.

"We'll start with the participants. But I do want to hear from your buddies as well."

At least the others seemed to have goals.

George wanted to get fucking sober and win back his family. Turned out he had two kids and his wife was threatening to divorce him if he didn't clean up his act.

Lisa mumbled something about wanting to be a normal teen. I suspected that by the time she'd feel better – assuming she'd succeed – there wouldn't be much left of her teenage years.

Jack had little to share. He said that he – quote- "didn't give a shit" either way.

That fucking sucked because he basically stole my thunder with that comment. I was supposed to be the one who'd kick against the system and make snark filled comments. Now I actually had to be serious and make an effort to think of what I expected from the Program.

And fuck it, I really didn't expect anything.

"Isabella?" Doctor Life-Coach pushed. "What are your expectations? What is it you want?"

_I want you to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. And don't call me Isabella._

"It's Bella," I muttered, stalling in hopes I'd be able to come up with something that would appease the doctor.

"Very well. Bella, what do you want?"

Edward's eyes found mine and his pools of shining jade encouraged me to stay calm and speak that way, instead of starting a sarcastic bitch fit.

They forced me to speak the truth.

"I don't want to end up like my mother," I whispered.

I dropped my head so I wouldn't see the look on Edward's face.

* * *

"How about this?"

Angela held up a black dress that came mid-thigh with small straps that looked like bra straps. It even had a form-fitted bustier sewn into the upper part. I'd bought it to attract a classier crowd at Cowgirls.

And it had served its purpose. It had certainly attracted a different type of customer.

"I sucked some random businessman's cock wearing that dress."

_See._

Angela let out a snort. "Then it's probably not a good idea to wear it."

"No kidding."

"How about the blue strapless one? Maybe with a little vest?"

"Two blow jobs, two random fucks."

"No go. Gotcha!"

"Maybe we need to keep looking," I suggested.

"You know, I have to admit, I find it kind of ironic that you're meeting the parents," Angela teased me as she rummaged through the stack of clothes on my bed.

Yes, I was meeting the Cullens. I had relented and agreed to have dinner with Edward's family.

Don't ask me why because I was still trying to figure it out.

"It's not a big deal," I told Angela.

"Uh-huh," Angela giggled. "When have you ever met some guy's parents?"

_Never._

Ever since I had told Angela about meeting the Cullens she had teased me about "meeting the parents" as if I was going to meet my in-laws.

"Shut the fuck up," I said, but I couldn't help but giggle a bit because the idea of meeting the 'rents of a guy I wasn't even intimate with was kind of ironic. Most girls met the in-laws when they were fucking their son. I got invited to the Cullens because I wasn't.

"Bella's meeting her in-laws," Angela teased.

That shit couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I was still fucking hesitant about meeting Carlisle and Esme Cullen and no matter how kind they might be I simply didn't belong in their type of environment. There was no contest there. The Cullens oozed class and the closest thing to class for me was fucking the CEO of a company and even that wasn't very classy.

Having freaking dinner with the Cullens would undoubtedly be awkward. I remembered Esme Cullen's looks of pity vividly because she had Edward's green haunting eyes and he sometimes gave me the same fucking look. But I had agreed for Edward's sake. Because it meant a lot to him. The idea that I wanted to please him – non-sexually - might have been the most awkward thing of all.

"Okay," Angela said as she held up a pair of black slacks that I had once bought on a whim when I'd still believed that fucking men would be temporary and someday I'd have a job where I'd actually get to keep my clothes on and my mouth would talk instead of fuck."You should wear these."

I nodded because they looked fucking expensive which would make it easier to blend in.

"Those will work."

Angela gave me a nod of approval. "Now all we need are….shoes and a sweater."

"Or…" I started before searching through my closet and pulling out a Prussian blue short sleeved blouse with ruffles on the front. "This one?"

"Oh, Bella, that'll look great. It's classy and it'll fit your ivory complexion perfectly. You know, I think I have some heels that would fit nicely with this outfit, let me go get them."

I hoped the clothes would at the very fucking least make for a classier picture than the sweats and "fuck me" heels Esme Cullen had seen me in a few weeks ago and I really did want to make an impression that didn't scream "whore"'

I was certain his family knew about my so called profession but still. If they wanted me over for dinner, regardless of this fun fact, then maybe they weren't as prejudiced as I expected them to be.

"Here we are," Angela said as she reentered my bedroom. "These will finish the look."

She held up a pair of 3 inch dark blue heels that matched the blouse and didn't look anything like the hooker shoes I'd worn before.

"Why don't you go and get changed. I'll plug in the curling iron so we can style you."

An hour later I was ready and waiting for Edward, who was going to pick me up with his dad's car because the family home wasn't easy to reach by public transportation.

I took one glance in the mirror to make sure I looked ready. My make up was light, giving a fresh and natural look. I'd only applied some mascara and some light lip gloss. Angela had curled my hair and pulled some strands back in a half up do.

"You look great," Angela said before leaving me alone to wait for Edward.

A few minutes after she exited, there was a knock on the door.

I grabbed my house keys and wallet and stuffed them in the pocket of my black trench coat.

I really fucking hoped it wouldn't be awkward to wear it. At least I was wearing more underneath than just my underwear this time.

I opened the door, only to find a smiling Edward behind it.

"Hi!" he said.

He looked me over and I swear his smile got fucking bigger.

"You look great!"

Edward himself was wearing charcoal colored jeans and a deep blue button down. He wasn't wearing a coat.

"We match," he chuckled before leading me out the door.

We walked downstairs and out of the building in silence.

Once we were outside, he led me a couple of blocks away until we arrived at a parking garage. Going inside we walked straight to a black shiny Mercedes.

"Wow," I whispered. The car looked indulgent. I wondered once again how the church would feel about that.

"Parking it here seemed safer since it's my father's car. I didn't want it to get stolen."

I smiled a little because Edward had a good point. If he'd left the car in my neighborhood it would've gotten stolen or torn apart so thugs could sell the parts for sure.

"Smart."

Edward unlocked the car and opened the passenger side door like the perfect gentleman he was.

I got in and he closed the door before walking to the driver's side.

"Buckle up," he said sternly before putting on his own seatbelt and starting the engine.

"Nice ride," I commented.

"I suppose," Edward shrugged. "I think this is my father's secret indulgence. Cars."

That's what I had figured and the face Edward made when he told me, didn't go unnoticed.

He disagreed with it.

"And you don't understand that?" I wondered.

"I know we all have our weaknesses. My father likes cars. It's a weakness."

"Yeah, so what's yours?"

Edward frowned.

"I'm not sure."

"Maybe you shouldn't judge others if you don't know what your own weakness is," I pointed out.

"Maybe not."

We remained silent after that, which gave me time to observe Edward as a driver. Admittedly, he was pretty fucking good at driving and looked mighty hot behind the wheel.

Of course, I could never tell him that. It would freak him out. It freaked me out a little. The predatory feeling I'd felt at the diner burned in my chest.

Mine.

_Back off, Bella, not yours._

We passed a small street with some shops when I noticed a place that sold flowers.

"Can we stop at that floral place, so I can buy your mom some flowers?"

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to."

And I really did. It wasn't about winning over Esme Cullen's approval or trying to show my best behavior for the sake of it. I just wanted to be nice. Genuinely nice.

"Alright," Edward said before pulling over.

I picked out a bouquet of wildflowers at the store and paid for them myself before Edward could pull out his wallet.

"My mother will love those," Edward approved before stressing once again that it wasn't really necessary and that he should have paid.

"Now, remember that Emmett and his wife will be there too. But don't worry; Rosalie is very nice," he assured me.

"She's pregnant right?"

Edward nodded. "Yes, the baby will be born early April. She is about fifteen weeks along now, I think."

"They must be happy about that."

"Yes, they are thrilled. You might experience the wrath of my mother's joy at becoming a grandmother tonight, since she is constantly talking about it and showing off onesies."

I flashed Edward a genuine but very small smile. Esme Cullen was probably the textbook example of being the perfect mom. Edward was lucky.

_My_ mother on the other hand was born to be a fucking train-wreck. I vaguely recalled how Nana Swan had once told me that my mother had been a selfish bitch from the moment she had met my dad – well Nana hadn't used those words but the intent had been clear; she had fucking despised my mother. Surprisingly enough, she had always liked me even if I was the ultimate proof of her son screwing the wrong girl.

She had always been gentle with me, probably because she wanted to support her son though I'd like to believe she genuinely cared for me. If only Nana Swan had been a little less kind to her "boy" as she had always called my father. If only she had kicked his balls for being such a fucking bad father.

If only…

Too little, far too late.

"Bella?" Edward asked, pulling me from the black hole that taunted me and threatened to consume me whole.

"Are you alright?"

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You look like you don't feel well."

"I was just thinking," I clarified.

"About what?"

"I...uh…just that your mom sounds like a great person. I mean, I have met her a few times and she seemed pretty awesome."

"My mom is great. I am lucky that way."

"Yeah," I agreed as I stared out the window. The darkness of twilight was comforting. In the dark you couldn't see things for what they really were; their true colors painted black.

"I know we haven't talked about this, but you mentioned at the group session the other day that you didn't want to become like your mother."

I kept my eyes on the shadows of the trees passing us, hoping my silence would lead Edward away from this forbidden topic.

"Bella?"

I didn't answer. All I could think was how I fucking regretted that I'd answered honestly at our group session. I should've never brought up my mother. She was such a fucking catalyst and I barely managed to keep it together during the few times I was forced to deal with her memory and I would crumble if I'd have to "work through" those memories.

"I know you probably don't want to tell me, but I want you to know you can trust me."

I sighed, knowing Edward wouldn't let it go. I wanted to trust him, but I didn't trust me to be strong enough. And I couldn't fall apart right now. The last thing the Cullens deserved was a whore dealing with a nervous breakdown.

"I know. I just don't want to talk about…her. And," I added quietly, "it's too late for me not to become like her. I already am. I just don't want to end up where she did."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of sunny fields and wildflowers before the darkness could break me.

The gentle brush of Edward's hand on my shoulder made me bite my lip. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time. The energy was too much right now.

_Too close._

"Please don't," I begged before Edward put his hand back on the wheel.

The rest of the way we were both silent and lost in thought.

* * *

"Welcome! I'm so happy you could make it."

Esme Cullen stood at the entrance of the three story suburbia home. It was fucking big with all the attached land. There was a large patio and a secluded driveway with enough space for an entire car park that no doubt could support Carlisle Cullen's fetish.

Preaching and whatnot must pay well. Maybe it was time for me to change my perspective on religion.

Edward kissed his mother's cheek in greeting and then she turned to me. I handed her the bouquet of flowers with a sheepish smile, thinking it was fucking silly to give a woman who lived in what seemed a goddamn – frack, I mean…darn – mansion a cheap bouquet of wildflowers but Esme Cullen's kind green eyes lit up with delight.

"This is so sweet. Such a gorgeous bouquet. Thank you, Isabella," she beamed as she gently touched my arm. I could tell she was reluctant about hugging me which was good because I would fall apart if she'd get all motherly with me.

"You're welcome," I smiled. "Your house looks really nice….from the outside."

I felt my fucking cheeks burn with embarrassment, but Esme Cullen wouldn't be the hostess with the mostess if the smile on her face didn't stay firmly in place. "You should see the inside, dear," she winked.

She led us inside and when I caught Edward looking at me, he gave me a reassuring smile.

"Let me hang your coat," Edward's mother offered as she put the flowers on a small cabinet in the spacious hall way. It was fucking bigger than my bedroom.

"Let me, Mom," Edward offered as he gently touched my shoulder to help me out of the trench coat. After what had happened in the car, I knew it was a deliberate gesture. He wanted me to be okay with him. And in the light of the bright hallway, the way he peeled the coat off my shoulders was no big deal, except for the unnerving energy that coursed through me like every time he did this. I took a deep breath to shake the feeling of anxiety.

"You look lovely, Isabella," Mrs. Cullen commented as she took me in. "The blue is a stunning color on you."

"Thank you Mrs. Cullen," I smiled shyly.

Who the fuck knew Bella Swan could feel small and classless standing next to someone who oozed class and not use her potty mouth to fucking deflect.

"Oh, that won't do, dear. Please call me Esme. Mrs. Cullen is Deacon slash Doctor Cullen's wife and the ones calling me that think I have a direct line with Him,"– she pointed up, which meant she was talking about…well "Him" – "and that I can get them forgiveness through a phone call or email," she winked. "I may have connections but they don't reach that far."

Hearing her joke about religion was sort of a relief but the fact she referred to her husband as Deacon Cullen brought back the incredible unease I felt at being here. Even if the Cullens were decent people. Edward had told me his dad was a deacon, which was not the same as a priest because deacons could be married; he had explained it to me and it had been the only talk on his life and Catholic shi..stuff we'd had.

"Shall we?" Esme said as she led us through the kitchen where the smell of some of chicken dish filled my nostrils. It smelled fucking good.

"Chicken Alfredo," Esme shared. "Emmett's favorite. Actually, all food groups are his favorite."

"I remember," I offered, as I thought of how Emmett Cullen – once my very unfortunate pick for future priest – had nearly ate all the mushroom risotto I'd made when I had cooked for Edward weeks ago.

"Ah yes, Emmett told me your mushroom risotto was delicious. Do you like cooking?"

I nodded because it was true. If there was anything in the world I actually liked and believed to be relatively decent at it was cooking and baking.

I remembered how Edward had told me that his mom wasn't the best of cooks but definitely knew how to bake. I hoped that would be one of the topics of conversation tonight because not only was it a safe subject, I also knew I wouldn't sound like a complete fucking fool when talking about food preparation.

We walked into the living room which probably had a great view of the garden because of the large French doors. It was dark now so there was little to see, but I could imagine it looked perfect in day light.

"Bella!"

I found a grinning Emmet coming toward me and pulling me into a bear hug when he was close enough. "I missed the way you make Edward feel awkward and uncomfortable."

Edward frowned at that while I repressed a giggle.

"Emmett," his mother warned, "don't embarrass your brother in front of his friend."

_Friend._ To anyone who wasn't paying too much attention it sounded natural but I could hear the edge in Esme's voice. She seemed very cautious to define the part I played in Edward's life.

"Emmett, don't crush the girl," a soft voice warned him, before he released me.

The voice belonged to a fucking supermodel.

A fucking supermodel with a little baby bump.

Rosalie Cullen was a freaking stunner. So beautiful I couldn't even envy her. It was the type of beauty to fucking admire.

Her blonde hair was shiny and her piercing blue eyes were gentle. She was radiant and smiling.

A genuinely happy person. Looking like a fucking angel.

"This is my Rosie," Emmett said proudly.

"Emmett Cullen, how many times do I have to tell you not to introduce me as your 'Rosie'?"

Emmett simply laughed. "But it's true. You're my Rosie."

Rosalie came toward me and took my hand. "I'm Rosalie. It's wonderful to meet you, Isabella."

I didn't want to be rude but I really didn't like that name.

"Please, call me Bella," I told her but said it loud enough as a hint to all of them.

Esme and Rosalie nodded, Emmett just winked.

"Hello there, _Isabella_."

I turned to face the person who had called me out by my full name just as I had fucking requested that I preferred something different.

A man who rivaled Edward's hotness – if you liked older men - stood by the dining table. His hair was blonde, but graying at the temples. His eyes were a light blue like Emmett's. His smile was friendly and welcoming, but there was something in those cool eyes. It wasn't evil malice or anything but I felt this man was being cautious.

_Calculating._

Edward's father approached me and held out his hand, which I shook tentatively. His grip was firm and full of authority.

"I'm Carlisle Cullen. You must be the girl that has turned my son's life upside down."

* * *

** A/N: I don't like Jacob, so he had to go. Renesmee is a ridiculous name and a creepy baby character so I made her a fake boobs, hair, teeth, tan - everything waitress. We haven't seen the last of her for the sake of comic relief.**

**Carlisle Cullen won't be evil but he will have his reservations. And it's not about (just) him it's about how Edward deals with it. That's coming up next chapter.**

**I want to explain something about Edward's "little" problem in the previous chapter. There was some (justified/understandable) confusion whether or not it's physically possible to have your first erection at Edward's age. (And not have them as a teen, or have wet dreams etc...)**

**It is physically possible. There is something called Kallmann_syndrome and one of the characteristics is a low libido and little to no production of pituitary hormones. Now Edward doesn't have this. With him it's purely psychological He wants to stay pure and has felt that way since he received his calling. His mind shies away from anything sexual, so without the psychological/emotional stimulance (like getting intimate with someone), the chance of having an erection becomes very small. I suppose I took some creative freedom here but it's not something that's impossible. I do appreciate people wondering about it and asking for clarification.**

**As always, thanks for all the amazing reviews. Hello to new readers! And a "Hi, hope you're still enjoying this" to people who have been reading for a while :)**

**Have a good week!**


	21. Sins of the Father

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 20: SINS OF THE FATHER**

"I'm Carlisle Cullen. You must be the girl that has turned my son's life upside down."

Insert crickets chirping. Surprised glances between my father and I, and from my brother. Rosalie who looked uncomfortable. My mother who pretended to look elsewhere.

_You must be the girl that has turned my son's life upside down._

I wished I'd heard wrong because it was so unlike my father to greet someone new this rudely.

The atmosphere in the room was palpable with the various levels of discomfort felt by everyone.

It felt like the moment was playing itself out in slow motion, like all of us were captured in a soundproof bubble where we'd gotten stuck on my father's words with nothing following after. Not even a profanity filled retort from Bella.

The only one perfectly at ease was the culprit responsible for this and he held out his hand, waiting for Bella to shake it, which she didn't right away. She wavered a little, looking at it as if it were a giant claw that could trap her.

It took a few moments but then Bella caught herself and reached out to shake my father's hand as if it was completely normal and she'd done it plenty of times before. Except she hadn't, so it was quite impressive she made it seem so casual to greet my father after he'd caused so much tension with his comment.

Still, while Bella seemed reserved and collected, I could tell she was nervous because the hand she touched my father's with was trembling a little.

"It's nice to meet you, Dr. Cullen," Bella spoke softly. She flashed him a smile as their hands touched briefly. My father stretched his lips into a polite smirk before he released her hand.

"And you, Isabella," he said and his voice was laced with an authority I'd never heard before.

Bella grimaced at the use of her full name but didn't comment on it. I felt vicarious shame at the notion that my father used her full name deliberately, after she had asked my family to call her Bella. He was actually trying to make her feel uncomfortable and appeared to be triumphant about it, which bothered me a great deal because my father was generally a pleasant person; he was gracious towards everyone he met. For some reason he presented himself differently to Bella and there was no doubt she was aware of this because she was perceptive enough to know my father was testing her. She had probably expected it to happen as soon as we'd set a step inside the door.

I had little time to wonder why my father had lost his verbal filter because he was set on making it worse.

"I have to say I'm surprised you accepted my wife's invitation. I certainly expected you to decline since you might not feel very comfortable in _this _environment."

The way he spat the words '_this _environment' said everything. He was purposely pointing out the differences between Bella and our family.

And on a level of blindsiding people it worked, because Bella stood there, dumbfounded, much like the rest of us.

I knew Bella was in no way the type of person my father had interacted with before and knowing what he knew about her former profession and how I was involved in her redemption, earned him the right to a bit of skepticism but I was too irritated by the way he presented himself to find understanding in his attitude.

He had no right to act with prejudice towards Bella and her choices even if they were difficult to understand, especially because it was very un-Catholic behavior.

God taught us to be forgiving, even if we didn't agree with or understand the choices people made. My father was a strong advocate when it came to treating people with respect. I didn't quite understand why he'd behave so offensive now.

And I worried that Bella would respond to my father's behavior in her usual 'street smart' manner thus proving him right, but she remained perfectly calm - which made me feel bad for underestimating her. She held my father's stare without getting agitated. Well, at least not visibly. I was certain she was thinking up quite the colorful language in her mind.

"It would have been rude to Mrs. Cullen to refuse her invitation," she responded, while looking over at my mother with a polite smile. My mother beamed at Bella in response.

"And it's important to Edward," she added softly, looking at the ground before allowing our eyes to meet. "So ultimately – while I may feel hugely uncomfortable because you are all new to me, knowing this matters to him makes it worth it."

I nearly came undone at her words.

The chocolate brown of her irises looked molten with golden specks in it that flickered. Her cheeks were tainted with a hint of flushed pink which was not uncommon because Bella's ivory cheeks stained easily.

Her smile was kind and it illuminated the words she had spoken to my dad.

_It's important to Edward. Knowing this matters to him makes it worth it._

In that moment I was beyond impressed with her. Impressed in frightening ways. She was here for _me. _No ulterior motives, no obligations because we were buddies. She was here because she wanted to be, no matter how terrified she was and how out of place she felt.

She was here and she looked breathtaking.

I closed my eyes for a second, shielding myself from everyone in the room to gather my thoughts.

Bella was here, taking the brunt of meeting my family, exposing herself to judgment and trying her best to gain acceptance for my benefit.

Evidently, it showed in the way she'd dressed for the occasion. Her clothes were elegant and perfect for meeting my family. I knew my mother would appreciate that. Her hair was shiny and wavy and her face was covered in what seemed minimal makeup. There was no trace of the girl I'd seen standing outside the community center the night we'd first met. This girl was mirroring change or at least the will to try.

Bella was still looking at me when I opened my eyes and I gave her a reassuring smile. She returned it by winking.

The feistiness was still there, tucked away safely underneath the polite facade and that was okay. Feisty was part of who she was and how she survived. Had she been a fragile little bird, she would have been stomped on and crushed to death by now. At least Bella had learned to stomp back.

"Well, dear," my mother spoke lightly to smother the tension, "we are thrilled to have you here. Now, let me offer you something to drink? Would you like some wine?"

My parents always drank a glass of wine with dinner and Emmett was known to love a beer at times. I personally didn't care much for drinking, so I always stuck to non-alcoholic beverages. I realized that while I had never seen Bella drink, I didn't know if she actually did or not. I had seen her under the influence once and she had said she'd never do it again.

Bella shook her head. "No, thank you. I'd prefer some water."

My mother nodded before she asked the others.

"Bella, come sit here," Rosalie invited as she padded the spot next to her on the sofa.

Bella gave me a doubtful look but my smile must have encouraged her to accept Rosalie's invitation because she walked over to the sofa and sat down, albeit hesitantly. Bella's eyes instantly zoomed in on Rosalie's small baby bump, which my sister in law caught. Bella looked up and smiled sheepishly – knowing she'd been caught - a smile that was fully returned by Rosalie who touched her stomach affectionately.

"It's really starting to grow now. It's almost like something has latched on overnight."

"Babe," Emmett scoffed as he moved to Rosalie's side by sitting on the arm of the sofa, "our son is not an alien. When you say words like 'latched on' and 'overnight' it seems like I'm watching a scene from Species.

"Or that movie with Charlize Theron and Johnny Depp where she has alien babies."

Bella chuckled while Rosalie slapped her husband playfully. "First of, you have horrible taste in movies. Second, we don't know if it's a boy. We won't find out until the baby is born."

"You're not going to do one of those ultrasound things where you find out if it's a boy or a girl?" Bella wondered shyly.

I was delighted to see she was trying to make conversation, especially because her bouncing knee proved it wasn't easy for her. Despite her 'interesting' career choice, well _former_career choice, Bella was not a people person and making small talk was not her forte.

"Nah, Rosie doesn't want to," Emmett explained. "She wants it to be surprise. Though I think there's a little Shaquille in there."

"Shaquille?" Bella asked curiously.

"Emmett is not only convinced their baby will be a boy but also that he'll come out looking like Shaquille O'Neal," I jokingly explained before my brother could.

"Not looking like Shaquille, _Eddie_,"Emmett spoke the dreaded nickname with emphasis and I hoped Bella wouldn't catch it, "but as good a basketball player _as_Shaquille. Having him look like Shaquille would be as freaky as a Species baby."

"Emmett's a big fan of Shaquille O'Neal," I clarified to Bella who looked puzzled.

"I see. So, you're a Celtics fan then?"

Emmett grinned; visibly pleased by the fact that Bella knew her basketball. He'd been obsessed with basketball statistics as a teenager. Personally, I'd never understood the appeal but to each their own.

"Where Shaq goes, I follow; even if it's the flipping Celtics," Emmett sighed dramatically.

"You miss the Lakers-days?" Bella asked teasingly.

"You bet I do. So, you like basketball?" he asked Bella.

She didn't respond immediately and nobody but me seemed to notice how the look in her eyes shifted, and while she kept a polite smile plastered on her face, I sensed there was something brewing inside her.

Emmett's question seemed to bother Bella and I was about to intervene to change the subject when she answered.

"My...uh...my dad watched ESPN a lot when I was little and I took on the habit, I guess." Bella shrugged dismissively, her cheeks flushed with shyness.

Who knew foul-mouthed Bella could be shy? Shy but skeptical about mentioning her father. And her mother, from what I had observed at our group session and earlier in the car. Bella didn't enjoy talking about her parents which strengthened my suspicion they were largely responsible for most of her issues.

Emmett nodded at Bella's answer but didn't push for more and I was thankful he sensed that talking about her father made Bella feel uncomfortable – even if I had no idea _why_the mention of parents was specifically upsetting to Bella– and went on to chat about movies.

Meanwhile, my father remained silent as he observed the four of us talking. My mother – who had placed refreshments on the coffee table in the meantime – was sitting next to him on their loveseat and she looked at us with a strange gleam in her eyes.

I had no idea what to make of that and decided to ignore it. I went back to looking at Bella who was laughing at something Emmett said. She looked almost carefree and to someone on the outside; someone peeking in, it would look like a happy family gathering.

Like she belonged on that sofa as much as Rosalie did.

I wondered if that's what my mother saw. Her attitude seemed supportive, although she was always compassionate so it wasn't uncommon for her to be this welcoming. Emmett and Rosalie seemed to have no problem with accepting Bella either.

The only one who didn't accept Bella was my father and despite his rude behavior, it made sense to me. In fact, I'd expected hesitance and caution in regards to him meeting her.

To him, Bella was an intruder; someone who didn't belong here.

And ultimately, she didn't belong here with my family. But it wasn't her former way of life that made it seem so out of context to have her sit on that sofa and laugh with my brother and sister in law. It felt wrong because it looked so right. So natural and effortless.

But looks could be very deceiving.

Bella was rubbing her hands together, smoothing back her hair and biting her lip every few minutes; all signs that this was far from effortless for her.

But she was here for me and she was really trying. It was all part of our agreement to start over. We were trying out a new balance where we would follow the Redemption Program but would try to keep it casual too.

For instance, I still called Bella every night, but our conversations were always light. We'd met for breakfast a couple of times and I'd spent some time with Bella and Angela at their apartment too. But there had also been focus on my studies, and more importantly, my religion.

I'd gone to confession for the first time in a month and it had resulted into a 'crisis' meeting afterwards because I'd confessed to having an erection and that had stirred some commotion because my admittance to having a physical response to a woman - one related to sex - worried Father Masen immensely.

"I…I…I've had an erection," I'd stuttered, leaving the words hang heavily in the confession booth.

Father Masen had remained silent for a few seconds and the lack of response had not only been deafening but also convicting. Especially when he had spoken.

"You…._really_?"

"Yes," I'd choked.

"I see."

"I seek forgiveness. Look with mercy on me and forgive me, for Jesus Christ's sake, all my sins. I am sorry for these and all the sins of my past life," I'd spoken hesitantly, not certain there was enough penance in the world to absolve me from these particular sins. Lust was one of the deadly sins and while I hadn't deliberately sought out…_an erection_, I had allowed it to happen.

My voice had sounded pained and full of shame. More than anything I'd longed for Father Masen to guide me through this rather than to punish me in the name of the Lord.

"Well, this is serious."

"I know," I'd whispered.

"It may seem repetitive, but as penance you need to read Genesis 3, verse 6 every night this week. I am aware you are familiar with the verse and certainly know the meaning but I want you to highlight how the verse makes you feel. You'll come back in a week and we'll discuss it. In addition I recommend a daily Hail Mary after every bed time prayer."

Father Masen's voice had been stricter than I'd ever heard; I'd confessed to him for years and never had he sounded so…_disappointed _in me.

I supposed I'd never given him a reason to be disappointed before.

"I'm sorry," I'd whispered.

"Let's finish with the Act of Contrition. It's been a while after all…" he had muttered.

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because I have offended you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen."

"I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

After confession Father Masen had led me to his office which had been cluttered with papers and files, leaving very little room to sit.

"Sit down."

I did, trying to find a spot amidst the mess, which was ironically mirroring the mess I'd made myself.

"Edward," Father Masen had sighed, sounding exhausted. "It's an understatement to say I'm surprised by your confession."

I'd nodded.

"I don't even know where to begin," he'd admitted as he sat down. "I know I haven't been around much and that confessing to Father Banner is more difficult but you went without confessing a whole month?"

Father Masen had been exasperated. "That's a long time to walk around with your sins. It's not like you to be irresponsible about your duties and neglect your responsibilities."

"I'm sorry I've been so callous," I'd replied remorsefully.

Father Masen had shaken his head in response. "You don't have to apologize to me. I suppose I let you down a little by being out of town so often. But you know Father Banner is available for confession on Fridays. You should have gone, Edward. This could have prevented an escalation of your feelings."

"I know and there's no excuse. But I doubt Father Banner would have understood the…what I confessed."

"That's not an excuse. He may be stricter than I am but it doesn't mean you can forego your confessions. Especially not at a time like this where you are obviously heading towards a crisis."

A crisis is what he had called it. And yes, it seemed problematic that Bella had affected me the way she had. But we had gotten over it. We'd turned over a new leaf. Obviously, Father Masen hadn't known that when he'd said I was heading towards a crisis, but he'd been wrong nonetheless. I was not heading into a crisis. In fact, I felt quite in control of my life at the moment. Still, that hadn't convinced Father Masen at all.

"I'm fine," I'd said. "I'll pay my dues for what happened and continue on the path God has chosen for me."

"Will you? I don't like admitting this, but I feel like you're slipping," Father Masen had said, his voice stern.

He had looked at me, waiting for me to speak but I'd been taken aback by his cool tone. The erection problem was obviously something I'd deserved to be punished for, but he sounded quite cold. I had never seen him this way. My mentor, the man I had looked up to all these years; I'd let him down.

"What would you have me do?"

"Recite Psalm 26, verse 6 for me," he'd demanded.

Without thinking I'd spoken the words. "I will make my hands clean from sin; so will I go round your altar, O Lord."

Father Masen had nodded."The psalm refers to the fact that it was a dominant purpose of Pilate's life to be pure, to worship and serve his Maker in purity. He had stated that he had no sympathy with the wicked; the convicted, and that he did not make them his companions; he now states what his preferences were, and where his heart was to be found. He had and still loved the worship of God; he delighted in the pure service of Him. Washing the hands is a sign of purity.

"So my question is; how will you purify? How will you cleanse yourself? Wash your hands clean of sin?"

"Aren't you supposed to figure that one out? Come up with whatever punishment is appropriate? That's why you gave me 'homework' right? Reciting and analyzing Genesis over and over," I'd muttered.

The words had slipped from my tongue before I'd realized how wrong they had sounded. Like a petulant child I had lashed out because I was ashamed of my own sins.

I'd slapped my hand over my mouth, shocked at my outburst. I had never spoken that way to anyone before. To do it to Father Masen was another sin.

"I didn't mean it like that," I'd spoken quickly. "I'm sorry."

Father Masen had rubbed his beard and frowned. "Tell me this: why do you want to help this girl?"

"You know why; I've told you plenty of times. I want to help her."

"Helping the girl is not the same as befriending her to a level where lines are blurred. And lines are getting quite blurry," he'd said. "Even you must see that…

"This is how people get into trouble, how priests gain a bad reputation. Because they stray from their responsibilities."

Even now, days after, I still had the feeling that this was about more than just my own sins. But Father Masen had never elaborated.

"What does that mean?" I had asked him.

"It means what it means. People have doubts all the time. When at their weakest and in doubt, they make bad decisions."

"What happened to me wasn't a decision. It happened. I feel extremely bad for allowing my body to betray me, but I haven't changed my mind about my future. I am not going to stray from my responsibilities."

"I truly hope you mean that."

"I do. But you must remember that Bella is my responsibility too. I agreed to help her get her life in order and I won't break that promise."

Father Masen had flashed me a little smile then and it had relieved me.

"Alright then. Just promise me that you'll go to confession at least once a week and seek me out when you need guidance. Even if I'm out of town. Technology has provided us with wonderful little gadgets like cell phones," he had teased.

"I promise," I had said solemnly.

"I have to say I am glad to see you have signed up for the pie-throwing contest at the carnival during Bible Week next week. I hear Mrs. Cope has been very persistent getting ready, baking blue berry pies nonstop," he had chuckled.

Every Bible Week there were several events and a few charities to raise money for the Church, and a carnival was one of those events. My mother had forced me to volunteer to have people throw pies in my face.

A small sacrifice to make if it meant Father Masen still had some faith in me.

"Now, off you go. I haven't been in this office for so long, I better start tidying up."

* * *

"Edward?"

I shook my head, pulling myself away from the memory of my confession three days prior.

My father was standing next to me. I noticed how Bella was still talking to Emmett and Rosalie and my mother had joined them, holding a photo album in her hands, ready to show Bella all my embarrassing moments as a child. I suddenly recalled a strange potty training moment where I'd put my underwear on my head.

To be that innocent again...

"Yes?"

"Is everything alright?" my father asked.

I nodded, keeping my eyes glued on Bella who was smiling as she looked through the album filled with photos that displayed the chronology of my life.

"You looked like you were miles away."

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking."

"You always are, son," my father said warmly. "Have you visited with Bob?"

"I went to confession," I affirmed. "I met with him earlier in the week. I heard he went back to New Orleans again. He seems to be going there a lot."

I hoped my father would tell me more about what had gone down in Louisiana because I hadn't had a chance to talk to him since he'd returned two days ago and Father Masen seemed to be there more often than not.

"Well, they have quite a crisis on their hands over there."

"What's going on?"

My father frowned and his eyes rested on Bella for a moment before he shook his head. I believed he didn't want to share anything too troubling in front of company.

"Dad," I pushed. "Everyone is acting all mysterious about it. Whatever it is, it must be big."

"I can't say too much. But unfortunately, it would appear the church indeed is having some problems."

"That sounds serious."

"Oh it is. With all the negative press the Catholic Church has been getting, it would look very bad if this came out," he said without explaining what 'it' meant or 'this' was.

I frowned, knowing my father wouldn't share any more, but it worried me nonetheless. The news was full of Catholic mishaps these days: priests breaking the rules; from sexual abuse to breaking their vows by having sexual relations. If the problems in New Orleans were as bad as those stories, it would be quite disastrous.

"That's all I can tell you. How has your week been?"

"Fine," I said and then I remembered how rude my father had been before. "Why were you so disrespectful to Bella before? She is a guest in your home. Mom invited her."

My father sighed as he shot another glance in Bella's direction.

"I may have acted a bit off but I was only looking out for you, Edward."

"A bit off?" I muttered, "I have never seen you act so unwelcoming before. I'm surprised you didn't bring up her former lifestyle."

"_Former?"_ my father wondered. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes. She's doing her best to change. The very fact she's here proves that. Don't judge her, it's not very becoming and not like you. I don't need you 'looking out for me' in that way."

"Look, son. I'm sure that Isabella is a lovely girl, but I can't help but wonder if you're not taking this too far."

"I have an obligation here, I signed a contract," I said, frustrated. "I just want to help Bella."

"Bob is worried about you," my father said. "He told to me keep an eye on you."

"I spoke to him and all is fine now," I grumbled. "He knows where I stand."

"He said you hadn't been to confession in a month," my father pointed out. "You've never acted like this before."

"It's not an act. I'm just trying to juggle everything. Just like you and Father Masen have business in New Orleans; you're being secretive about it but I trust you to have your reasons for that. I need you to trust me; I was overdoing it a bit for a while, but there's a good balance now."

"A month, Edward," my father pointed out. "You've missed discussion groups; I haven't seen you doing your volunteer work. All your time is spent with _this girl."_

His tone was cold as he spoke the last two words.

"I think you're getting too close to her and as your father, I am asking you to reconsider your position in the Redemption Program."

I shook my head, causing him to frown. I simply couldn't give up. Not even if I wanted to.

"No, I won't. This is voluntary work. I want to help," I said sternly.

"Alright, maybe you can shift; be a buddy for someone else."

He wanted me away from Bella because he truly saw her as a threat.

"No. I'm not going to do that. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I need to help Bella."

"Edward, please. Think about this. It's extremely noble to help someone, but you mustn't lose yourself and I feel like you are, specifically with this gi…Isabella. Perhaps with another person…."

I intervened. "Maybe I'm not lost; maybe I'm finding myself," I said, realizing how true that might be. Helping Bella meant I had to allow different views and experiences, but it was not entirely a bad thing. I was learning and growing alongside her. My path hadn't changed but perhaps I'd just found better directions towards my destination.

"Everyone, lets retreat to the dining room, where dinner is served," my mother announced, abruptly ending our discussion.

"I want you to apologize to her for being so rude before," I said.

"And call her Bella, she prefers that," I added, before walking away.

* * *

"Your family is nice," Bella said, breaking the silence. "And your mom is not as bad a cook as you said. She even gave me the family recipe for Chicken Alfredo," Bella beamed, waving around a piece of paper, which apparently contained the said recipe.

I was driving Bella home after a _sort of_ successful introduction to my family. Dinner had been pleasant; even my father had made an effort. I hadn't heard the actual apology I'd demanded from him but his attempts to be nice to Bella without trying to make her feel uncomfortable or unwelcome had sounded genuine enough. My mother had talked about food and swapped recipes with Bella and Rosalie while Emmett had tried to goad me into helping him put together a crib for the baby, which seemed a little early to me because Rosalie wasn't even five months along.

"They like you," I offered, knowing it was true. My mother, brother and sister in law genuinely liked Bella.

"Your father doesn't."

"He just has a lot of things on his mind," I responded.

"I don't think you're supposed to lie as a wannabe priest," Bella teased. "It was fricking obvious he doesn't like me. But that's okay."

"He warmed up to you during dinner. I think he just needs to get to know you. He called you Bella when we left."

"I bet he was happy to see me go. And you _made _him call me Bella."

"How did you know that?"

"You're predictable."

"My father needs time. He's been out of town all week, dealing with some problems. I'm not sure if my mother thoroughly discussed her invitation to you with him. Maybe it caught him off guard a little."

"Problems? I hope it's nothing serious?" Bella wondered sincerely.

"It might be, though he didn't go into specifics. There are some issues with a church in New Orleans."

"Hmm…"

"Don't start," I warned, knowing Bella was about to go in an 'I told you so' mode where she would point out all religious things were evil.

"I'm not saying anything. Although it's not surprising."

"Bella…"

"Fine," she huffed, tapping her foot on the floor. "But it really is _not_ surprising."

I gave her one more stern look before we both fell into a comfortable silence.

"I noticed something earlier," Bella said after a few moments, breaking the silence again. "When your mom showed me one of the family photo albums."

"What did you see?" I wondered, knowing how much it had embarrassed me that Bella had seen me in my 2 year old naked glory.

"Well, for one…kudos on the underwear hat, very cute, _Eddie,_" Bella teased, using my brother's annoying term of endearment.

Hmpf, she _had_ seen that.

"There was this boy in the photos. He was your age. He looked like he was Native American."

_Jacob_. Bella had seen photos of Jacob.

"You two looked kinda close. Closer than I've seen you with Emmett. Or maybe that was just the matching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas," Bella chuckled.

I sighed, feeling exposed. Just like Bella had her forbidden topics, Jacob was a subject I didn't really want to talk about. It had been ten years since his death, but it still hurt. It'd had such an impact in my life and the choices I'd made since then, that it wasn't something that I talked about easily. In fact, just thinking about that day and how I'd seen Jacob's crumbled body made me feel nauseous.

"Edward?" Bella said softly. "Are you okay?"

I looked at her and was taken aback by the gentleness in her eyes. My silence must have been enough incentive for Bella to realize this was something I didn't really want to talk about.

I blinked back tears but one managed to escape. Bella watched it trail down my cheek until it reached my chin. Before it could drip down, Bella caught it with her thumb, her soft finger touching my stubble.

It was electrifying.

"Tell me," she whispered.

"Jacob," I whispered against the darkness that surrounded us in the small confinement of the car. "He was my best friend."

"What happened to him?" Bella asked.

"We were on our way back from a field trip when our bus got into a collision with a truck. Three classmates died."

"Including your friend," Bella said quietly.

I simply nodded.

"Wow, that fucking sucks."

For once her swearing was kind of appropriate. Because it had. It had _sucked._

It still did.

"Yes," I agreed.

"Was that the night you decided….you know," Bella wondered.

I was surprised she connected the two together so easily, though really it shouldn't have been because Bella was much more observant than I gave her credit for sometimes.

"I did, yes," I affirmed.

"Why?"

"Because He saved me for a reason."

"What was the reason?"

"I can't explain it to you without you laughing at me," I said quietly.

"I won't laugh," Bella promised, holding her fingers in the air like she was doing a Scout's honor.

"I saw him lying there…Jacob."

"That must've been horrible."

I nodded, choking back my emotions. "I survived because we switched seats that day. Jacob wanted to sit by the window even though it was my seat. But he went on and on about wanting to look out the window, so I relented and sat by the aisle."

"That's just how things go, Edward," Bella said. "Call it luck or fate…"

"When the accident had happened and Jacob was laying there, it was like he was illuminated…it felt like God was telling me that it was not yet my time and that I was destined to spread the gospel of his words and love and bring solace and compassion to those around me. His voice told me that Jacob's spirit would always be with me and that I mustn't be afraid, for the Lord had been kind enough to welcome Jacob into his arms and I had survived to serve him."

From the corner of my eye I watched Bella who was watching me, mouth agape.

"Wow," was all she said. "You really _believe_ that."

* * *

Bella and I arrived at her apartment, after I'd insisted on walking her home from the lot I'd parked the Mercedes again. The last thing I wanted was for her to walk the streets at this time of night, even if she had done it many times before.

"You didn't have to go to all this trouble," Bella mumbled. "Now you'll have to get your dad's car again, drive it back to your parents before you can go home. It'll be after midnight before you get there."

"It's alright, Bella," I told her. "I don't mind. I can always drop the car off at my parents tomorrow."

Bella opened the door to the building and let me in. "You don't have to walk me up."

"Bella, humor me," I teased.

"Fine," she huffed before leading me up the stairs.

The building was filled with noises and loud music. There were people and some of them were shouting.

"Fuck," Bella muttered under her breath.

"What's wrong?" I wondered, trying not to shout, although the noise made it difficult to understand anything.

"I think Paul is having a party," Bella explained, as she led me up the stairs. "Mike must be out."

"Mike?"

"Our landlord slash pimp. Well former for me."

Pimp? A man who happily exploited women to make money?

"You mean he…" I said, shocked.

"Yes, Edward," Bella said, rolling her eyes, "he was my pimp. He'd find me men to fuck.

"Fucker usually ended up with most of my money too," she added bitterly. "Anyway, he has family in Portland and goes to visit them every other weekend, which gives Paul a freebie to throw a party, if that's what you can call a gathering filled with multiple line cocaine snorting and boozed up people who yell 'drink drink!' every few minutes."

We reached Bella's floor and sure enough it was crowded with people; some were dancing, others shouting to reach above the volume of the music that was coming from inside Paul's apartment. There were people under the influence slumped against the wall. There were a boy and a girl who were…grinding against each other and I wished I could looked away but my eyes were glued to the sight.

"Earth to Edward," Bella muttered as she pulled me along her corridor on the other side of the stairs, to her door, which she opened with trembling hands.

"I hate this fucking shit," she complained, pushing the door open.

She dragged me into her apartment and I was a little relieved when we were inside and Bella closed the door behind us, despite the fact the sound still penetrated through the walls, making them shake as if there was an earthquake.

"Look," Bella said, "why don't you go. I'll walk you down."

I wanted to, because this was as far out of my comfort zone as it could go. But I couldn't leave Bella alone with the possibility of someone bothering her or the temptation to join the party or start a fight.

"I can't do that," I told her. "I don't want to leave you alone."

A strange sense of protection came over me. I wanted to keep Bella here and distract her from what was going on out there, knowing her temper might get her into trouble if I didn't.

"Edward," Bella sighed. "You're not my keeper; you don't need to protect me. Paul pulls this shit all the time, I'm used to it. I'll go and entertain myself with some cooking show or whatever. You don't have to worry."

But I did worry. A lot. Not just about the blaring music and inebriated people down the hall, I also worried about the fact I felt so protective.

_Lines are getting quite blurry, _Father Masen's words reminded me.

"I can stay a little while. We can watch TV together," I suggested. TV was safe, friends could do that.

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea," Bella said. "And what about your dad's car? It's not something you want to leave at that parking lot all night, trust me."

"Bella, don't worry. It's locked up and has a chip. Should it get stolen, it can be traced."

"You really want to stay here?" Bella asked incredulously.

"Just for a little while," I said. "Until things calm down."

Bella rolled her eyes as she took off her coat, stepped out of her heels and rubbed her feet to soothe them after walking around in the heels for several blocks. "That might take a long while."

"I have time."

"Well," Bella said as she moved to her small kitchen, "I better make us some fu...some tea then. You grab the remote."

It was Saturday night, not even 10:00 PM. Normally I'd be at home, doing some reading or working on assignments or my dissertation. Tonight I was supposed to start my penance: my analysis on Genesis 3, verse 6. Keywords: Forbidden fruit, temptation. Instead I was here, with the girl who had indirectly caused that particular penance in the first place. The irony of it wasn't lost on me.

"Edward..."

"Sorry, what?"

"The TV? Maybe you should flip straight to the Food Network. Last time I handed you the remote you and Angela got stuck on that weird TV priest."

"That wasn't weird. Angela seemed inspired."

"How do you feel about priests getting TV deals? Do you know how much fuc…money they make? And trust me, that money is not invested in the church or its followers."

I bit my tongue, unwilling to start a discussion with Bella about a subject that was touchy for both of us.

"Maybe I should put on some ESPN?" I teased. "Since you're such a fan."

I was relieved that Bella tsk'ed me playfully as she came out of the kitchen with two steaming mugs of tea. I'd worried about upsetting her because the topic was related to her father but she seemed fine.

Bella plopped down next to me, handing me a mug and warning me it was hot.

It still surprised me that she was quite the homebody. I wondered if she searched comfort at home with tea and TV because it was safe and non-dangerous compared to the harshness of the streets she had dealt with for years.

Although with this noise, it was a surprise she could focus on anything to begin with.

"I'm not Emmett," she muttered. "I watch Sportscenter when I'm bored. But I won't be naming my first born Shaquille."

I chuckled. "No, you are definitely not Emmett."

"Is he really gonna call their baby Shaquille?"

"He wishes he could," I grinned. "Rosalie won't let him."

"You two are so different," Bella mumbled as she blew in her mug to make it cool down faster.

"I guess we are."

"Does that bother you?"

I gave her a small smile. Did it bother me? Emmett was always the life of the party. It fit his personality and I didn't envy him for it. I was the reliable one; the Goody Two Shoes, according to Emmett.

"I love my brother and his crazy persona."

"How does he feel about…you know…?"

It was the second time Bella mentioned my future plans of becoming a priest so directly. It had come up earlier when I'd told her about Jacob and now she was asking me again.

It caught me off guard a little because we had tried to avoid the subject the past few weeks because I'd wanted to give Bella time to adjust to it even if I didn't understand what bothered her so much about it, apart from how she generally resented everything religious.

"He's accepted it. He might not agree with it, but he respects my choice. Emmett is not as much in touch with his faith as I am."

Bella rolled her eyes. "No kidding since he's married and having sex and all. And your parents?"

"They know this is what I want and they support me."

"You're kind of like the Golden Boy, right?"

"What does that mean?" I asked before taking a sip of my tea. It was chamomile.

"You're the son who is pure and good. Does well in school, acts responsible. No bad boy behavior," Bella summed up. "They must be very happy about that."

"I doubt being responsible makes me a Golden Boy. My parents support Emmett and Rosalie just as much," I said.

"But there's a difference between you and Emmett. He's their first born son; the male heir and yet you're their Golden Boy. Especially to your dad."

"I don't understand…"

"You told me your dad was supposed to be a priest too but because he met your mom, he went for the second best."

"Being a deacon is not second best, Bella," I pointed out.

"No? So your dad is not trying to live through you? Make some sort of crazy dream come true? If he can't become a priest, you should?"

"I still don't get it," I admitted as I stared at the 5 day forecast a weather girl was giving on the screen.

"I once saw this show on the Discovery channel or whatever. It was about baby beauty queens…you know…these little girls in makeup with little crowns etcetera..."

I had heard about the little girls that were forced into beauty pageants. It was ridiculous but I could see where Bella was taking the comparison. She was wrong, however.

"I have heard about that. What does it have to do with me being a 'Golden Boy', as you so eloquently put it?"

"Most of those moms wanted to live through their kids. Because they used to have the same dream but failed to make it come through. I think your dad is doing the same."

"My father is not like that," I said firmly. "He would have become a priest if he hadn't fallen in love with my mother, but he doesn't have any regrets about the path he chose. He's not doing what those mothers are doing."

Bella cocked her head, looking me over before taking another sip. She ignored the TV screen, while my eyes were glued to the images broadcasted. I didn't dare look at her; not when she was being so inquisitive.

"Maybe not. So he really gave up his dream for a woman?" Bella said out of the blue.

"I guess he did in a way..."

_"_Huh_. _Imagine that._"_

"What?"

"Nothing."

Bella's quick dismissal forced me to look at her. Her eyes were narrowed.

"Bella, what's that look," I pointed as she tried to repress a smile or a smirk.

"What look?" she said innocently.

"Bella, spill..."

"Okay, fine. I'm just wondering if you'll give up this priest stuff, if you meet a girl."

"What? That's ridiculous."

"No it isn't. Look at Tit...that girl at the diner…Loch Nessie," Bella said.

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't her name."

"Come on, she called _herself_ Nessie," Bella pointed out. "What kind of a ridiculous name is that anyway?"

"Are we still talking about giving up 'the priest stuff' or do you want to debate names?" I chuckled.

"Edward..." Bella scolded me. "You're not being cool."

"Never said I was," I teased.

"So…how about we go back to my question…"

"You're right. Nessie is a bit strange for a girl's name. Easy target for teasing," I joked.

Bella stuck out her tongue before smirking. "Is her name too strange to have her as a girlfriend?"

"I'm not going to have a girlfriend," I huffed.

"Touchy subject?"

"Bella..."

"I asked you if you would ever give up the priest stuff for a girl. The _right_ girl."

"No."

"Yes, I did. Were you too busy staring at that weather girl's ass while I was talking?" Bella grumbled.

I shook my head. "No, I meant...NO, as in I'm not going to change my mind about this."

"Not even for the right girl?" Bella asked gently. "What if you meet someone like your dad did?"

I had never given much thought to the idea of that happening, but found it too impossible to imagine. I would never meet someone that would knock me off my feet the way my mother had with my dad.

"I gave myself away ten years ago. Nothing will change that."

"I'll never get why," Bella sighed before she picked up the remote control to change the channel.

"You didn't put it on the Food Network," she said accusingly but with a smile so I knew she wasn't mad. "I know Weather Girl's ass is fine, but let's watch something less simulating," she teased.

"You distracted me with your questions," I shot back, ignoring her teasing.

"It's all about trust and getting to know each other better, right?"

I gave her a smile. "It is. And since I told you about me, why don't you tell me more about you?"

Bella frowned and shook her head. I knew how she felt about sharing things about herself.

She preferred not to.

"I..."

"Bella, this goes both ways. You saw me naked," I said jokingly, hoping it would take away some of the tension.

"You want me to take off my clothes so we're even? Because I'm excellent at that," Bella warned.

I knew she wasn't kidding. In fact, I feared she was even rather proud of it.

And my cheeks betrayed my embarrassment when they spilled over with red specks, sparking amusement in Bella.

"I uh….no..."

"Very well then," Bella chuckled darkly. "I won't take my clothes off. And I don't have any baby pics of me nekkid either. I was never a fan of the underwear-hat look."

"Let's just watch TV," I suggested, hoping my cheeks would lose their dominant red soon.

"Relax, Edward," Bella said. "I'm not going to attack you."

Attack me? She was not going to? I took a deep breath and smiled at Bella.

"I know."

"Bet you wish I did though," she said, ruffling my hair.

I huffed as I tried to tame my locks, causing Bella to giggle.

The music was still loud as it pounded around the building. Bella simply put the volume of the TV higher and shrugged when our eyes met, as if to say she was used to it.

"Shouldn't we call the police?"

Bella chuckled and patted my knee patronizingly. "You're so naïve," she said, "it's kinda cute."

I stared at Bella's hand which lingered on my jeans clad leg for a fraction of a moment. It was warm and it burned straight through the fabric.

Straight to the part of my body I needed to keep at bay. No more…_physical excitement._

Her touch brought back Father Masen's warning. _Helping the girl is not the same as befriending her to a level where lines are blurred..._

My father's worries. _You're getting too close to her._

Was I? Was I deluding myself? Was I really getting too close to Bella? These past few weeks had been designed to reassess the bond we had formed trough the Redemption Program; I knew a certain codependence would be necessary to make it a success. We had agreed on a do-over of sorts, to make sure we would refrain from unnecessary drama and focus on the task at hand which was helping Bella get her life in order.

That's what mattered and that's what we both had focused on the past few weeks. She'd gone to her therapy sessions with Doctor Carmen, which she hated; we had our first group sessions, which had been awkward because Doctor Elezear's methods seemed questionable at times. And we had spent time together, which had been pleasant.

That particular routine was one I enjoyed a lot. I found myself looking forward to our daily contact – by phone or in person –more and more, and while I went on with my life and focused on my studies, I still thought about Bella very much. My nights were still as restless as hers, filled with hasty slumbers and blurry dreams of fallen angels who'd been godsend.

I thought about our group session on Thursday – the way she had looked so effortlessly beautiful, the way we had been playful with nudges and teases. I thought about the coffee 'dates' and the dinner at my parents.

The way we were sitting here on her sofa and with barely enough space between our bodies I could feel her warmth burn me.

Maybe I was getting _too close_.

Was it hot in here? I tried to wipe invisible beads of sweat off the back of my neck but my hands remained dry.

I shook my head hoping to clear it, which Bella noticed.

"You okay?"

"Yes, yes…" I said hastily, hoping to convince myself as much as I wanted to convince her.

"Are you sure?" Bella frowned at me. "Look, if you want to go….I can walk you out."

I should go. But I wanted to stay. Which made me feel even warmer. My knee still burned from Bella's touch and my crotch seemed to be on fire.

Not _this_ again…

_Helping the girl is not the same as befriending her to a level where lines are blurred..._

Were lines getting blurry again? I thought I had reestablished them. I thought I had redrawn boundaries that made sure that we were friends and nothing more.

There was nothing more. There couldn't be. Ever.

_I'm just wondering if you'll give up this priest stuff, if you meet a girl? The right girl._

_I'm not going to have a girlfriend._

I wasn't. Ever. The notion was ridiculous. God was my love; there was no place for a girl in my heart.

No place for Bella in my heart.

Then why was I shelving away what was once the most important to make room for her?

_You're getting too close to her._

"Edward?"

Bella's voice seemed distant because my thoughts consumed me.

"Huh, what?"

"You want more tea?"

"I…no...I...I should go..."

"O...kay," Bella said, confused. "Are you alright? You look flushed. Are you feeling sick?"

"Yes…I'm fine."

But I wasn't.

I got up swiftly and walked to the door. I opened it and turned, waving a sloppy goodbye before getting out and closing the door behind me.

I ignored the people in the hall and bounded down the stairs.

I had to get out of here.

Outside, I caught my breath before practically running to my father's car. Once I reached the parking lot, I was happy to find the car was still there. I got inside and locked myself in and then put the key in the ignition without starting the engine. I rested my head against the seat, trying to force gulps of air down my lungs which was difficult for it felt like the car was filled with a thick fog, heavy with moisture.

I was choking on the shallow breaths I tried to take. My heart was pounding and as I closed my eyes, various images of Bella – including the ones of her in that black trench coat and the high heels -blinded me.

The fabric of my jeans bulged a little as I winced at the feeling of my penis chafing against it.

The sensation felt pleasurable and my eyes brimmed over with tears of frustration as I let a lingering finger touch the spot. I was fighting a losing battle.

So much for getting back on track. So much for my promises to Father Masen and my dad.

I traced the bulge through the fabric and felt that deliciously wrong tingle in my lower stomach building.

I kept my eyes closed as I pressed two fingers down on my crotch, imaging Bella in those heels, Bella in that coat with evil promises hidden underneath. Bella and those chocolate eyes with golden specks. Her soft hair, her warmth.

My fallen angel.

Suddenly a wetness in my pants startled me from my actions, forcing me to open my eyes.

I noticed myself in the rearview mirror; my hair as disheveled as ever, my face flushed and green eyes that were dark with…_lust?_

The image made me gasp.

_What was wrong with me?_

* * *

**A/N: Priestward touched his boner! It was bound to happen. It's a very slippery slope for him. By no means is Bella done with trouble (we haven't reached the prologue yet, but it'll happen soon) but Pristineward is not squeaky clean. **

**References:**

**That movie wih Johnny Depp/Charlize Theron is the Austronaut's Wife. Weird movie. imdb(dot)com/title/tt0138304/**

**Species: imdb(dot)com/title/tt0114508/**

**Genesis 3:6: bible(dot)cc/genesis/3-6(dot)htm**

**Psalm 26:6: bible(dot)cc/psalms/26-6(dot)htm**

**Kudos:**

**Thanks to everyone who voted for BoTW on tehlemonadestand(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2011/04/meet-poll-what-were-reading-this-week(dot)html**

**Thanks again to Kellyprovence for pimping out this story and to everyone who has shared this story somewhere. Thanks again to reve2weaver and Jaimearkin for making banners for BoTW (they're in my profile)**

**As always to everyone who so loyally reviews, to all the people who read this story and enjoy it; I hope I keep amusing/intriguing you. Thank you for being as committed to this story as I am. ****And if you want to give me a shout-out in a review, I really don't mind ;)**

**Since FFn has been down for a bit, I put a teaser of this chapter on twitter. If you want updates and the occasional teaser if FFn fails, follow me: twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion. Ignore the rambling about "those two lead actors" from the TwiSaga. I love Rob and Kristen and I ain't ashamed of it. ;)**

**Fic-Rec:**

**Beautiful Sorrow by DreamOfTheEndless: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6886175/1/ It's one chapter in, but put it on alert because it looks promising!**

**Have a good week!**


	22. Getting The Job Done

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 21: GETTING THE JOB DONE**

Six year old girls dream of becoming princesses. Twelve year olds wish to win a gold medal at the Olympics. By the time girls hit sixteen, they dream of being the next Britney fucking Spears.

But not me. I'd never given much thought to what I wanted to be when I grew up. The only thing I was sure of was that I never wanted to be a fucking whore. Unfortunately, since I didn't go to college and barely managed to finish high school there weren't many job opportunities out there for someone without a proper education.

And fuck me if street smarts didn't really count on the job market. It was all about diplomas and degrees. None of which I had.

Edward had suggested I could go back to school but the idea of having to sit in lecture halls and pretend to give a shit about topics I couldn't care less about wasn't very appealing. The idea of getting a minimum wage job that came with a butt load of hours wasn't ideal either but it seemed I had no choice because it was part of the Redemption Program to get a fucking job.

I had yet to call that diner to ask about their waitressing job and I was postponing that shit because I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone, ask about a lame ass, underpaid job and pretend I really wanted it, knowing I'd get rejected anyway. Since I was still jobless, Angela had dragged me along to the community center because for some reason she had to be there before 10:00 AM and believed it to be a good idea to have me tag along.

She was so very wrong about that. My night had been shitty due to the usual dreams turning into nightmares, so I was feeling very tired and equally pissed off at being dragged here without having a decent cup of coffee first to wake me up.

Angela believed I had to tell someone – preferably my therapist Doctor Carmen – about the nightmares but I flat out refused. I hated the images that were forced into my head every night and I sure as hell didn't want to verbalize them in front of my therapist who would probably get off on cracking me like that and use any genuine sharing on my part against me.

"Angela! Bella! You're here!"

Alice Brandon was way too fucking enthusiastic in the morning. Well, _always_. And I was so not in the fucking mood to deal with her right now. Luckily the phone started ringing, so she couldn't come over to give us a proper hello. I could only hope that whoever was on the phone would make it a long conversation. Long enough for me to sneak out and get some proper coffee because Angela had deprived me of that when she had forced me to go with her.

"Don't you have a fucking boyfriend to drag along now?" I had hissed when she had stood at my door earlier.

"Yes, but he's working. If you had a job, I wouldn't be able to drag you along," she had quipped before flashing me a smug smile and snapping her fingers all ghetto style whilst yelling, "Oh no, she didn't."

And she fucking had, so now I was here; Monday morning 10:00 and I really wanted to leave but Angela's grip on my arm and Alice's cheery greeting prevented me from bailing.

And yes, I also was fucking frustrated at the notion I actually had nothing better to do than hang around a community center.

"I'm going to wait outside," I said, trying to unhook my arm from Angela's grip

"Not so fast," Angela warned. "I need you here. Why are you so grumpy anyway?"

I rolled my eyes at that because I was always grumpy and Angela knew this.

"Maybe because you fucking forced me to tag along and I don't want to be here?

"Plus, I'm never cheery and certainly not joyful, especially not when I haven't had coffee," I added. "So let go of me, because if I don't get a fix of caffeine soon, I will hurt someone."

Angela snorted as she waved at Alice, who was still speaking to someone on the phone, using her hands as if the person on the other side could actually see her.

"Oh, scary. I know all about your cheerful morning persona," Angela teased. "But you are more grumpy than usual. Why is that?"

This was surely a trick question, one I had to deflect with anything _but the truth._

If I told her I was grumpy because I was tired due to lack of sleep, she would bring up the nightmares again and how they prevented me from getting proper rest before pointing out that I needed to talk to someone about them.

Since I was already in a piss poor mood that was certainly out of the question.

But if I told her about the other reason that made me feel so angry at the entire world – more than usual – she would start to make silly kissy faces again.

Yeah, kissy faces. It was Angela's new way to annoy the crap out of me and she would use the sucking sound of lips smacking together every time I would bring up Edward.

Don't fucking ask me why because even though I had met his family and they hadn't annoyed me and I hadn't disgraced them – except Edward's dad but he just needed the pretentious stick removed from his ass and proper stick pulling took time – I was not a person Edward would make kissy faces with. Not _just because of who I was, but mostly because of who he wanted to be._

He had made it very clear he never wanted to have a girlfriend so Angela's behavior was entirely misdirected. Besides, it's not like I'd ever want to be in the position to kiss him. The thought was fucking freaky in many ways.

It was bad enough he was one of the reasons I was feeling especially grumpy this morning, because I had waited for him to call me last night – like he did every night – and for some fucking reason he hadn't.

Yes, Edward…perfectly punctual Edward hadn't called me. So to say I was a little pissed off was a fucking understatement. It wasn't like him to skip out on a routine and I hated how I was worried about him for not calling me.

I had even sent him a text around 11:00 PM last night to see how he was doing but he never responded.

That freaking worried me. In theory, he could be dead. He probably wasn't, but he could be. He had left my apartment in a hurry Saturday night and I still hadn't fucking managed to understand why. I couldn't recall saying anything that would have upset him.

Also, what bothered me was that when we had agreed on a reset of sorts, we'd agreed to leave the 'running away' bullshit behind. No more games. And here was Edward, obvious in his ignorance, though his motivation unclear, falling back into the routine we'd supposedly agreed on changing.

"Well, why are you so especially pissed off this morning? It can't be because it was too early," Angela demanded, but I never had a chance to answer because Alice was apparently done with her phone call and she bounded over, looking like a flower girl at a wedding with the floral print dress and the pink, ballet flats she wore.

She fucking oozed happiness and it annoyed me.

"Hey girls," she greeted us again. "Sorry about that, Jasper couldn't find his wallet. Men!" she chuckled. "They are so typical."

Most men were and Edward Cullen was, if you forgot about the priest stuff. So why hadn't he called me? That was a-typical.

_Bella, you are obsessing over this way too much._

"Alice," a warm voice called. "Where is the volunteer list for the booths at the carnival? I need to check something."

Like the morning couldn't get any weirder. Edward was ignoring me but a female and older but nicely conserved replica of him was right here. Esme Cullen stared at me, looking all cuddly like she was made of sunshine and freaking puppies. I swear kindness was radiating off of her like a nuclear plant made of daisies – okay that made very little sense – but she was beaming and her eyes lit up when she spotted Angela and me.

She walked over to us, a big grin plastered on her face.

"Bella! What a surprise!"

It sure as fucking hell was. And she was as cheery and happy as the spiky, black haired flower girl in front of me.

Did I mention I really didn't like fucking morning-enthusiasts? Because I fucking didn't. It meant I had to be extra polite to them and I simply didn't have that kind of energy in me. Especially not in the morning.

"Hey," I said sheepishly, forcing a smile. I would have thrown in a wave but I didn't want to come off like I was trying too hard and I definitely didn't want them to believe I was feeling cheery myself.

"And Angela too," Esme Cullen beamed. "It's good to see you!"

"Hi Mrs. Cullen, nice to see you." Angela knew all about etiquette and spoke with gentle, non-abrasive words. I actually had to make an effort to speak with more than two words and not use the word fuck every other sentence.

"What brings you lovely ladies down here this morning?"

"I had to drop off some things and sign up to volunteer at the carnival," Angela told her, while I stayed back and engaged myself in staring out the window. It was that sidewalk where I had first met Edward.

The same Edward who was ignoring me now. To say I was a little bitter was an understatement. To say I was obsessing was alarming.

"Ah yes, Alice told me you want to help the kids make necklaces for the auction on Sunday," Esme told Angela. "I'm sorry the baking didn't work out."

Angela nodded. "Yes, I'm looking forward to spending time with the kids. Surely handling beads is easier than pretending I have any kind of culinary skills."

Admittedly, I had no fucking clue what the fuck they were talking about but it probably had something to do with that Bible Week stuff.

Church and kids. Neither was my thing.

"And you, Bella?"

Me? _Me what?_

"I uh…what?"

"Oh, you should sign up Bella," Alice smiled. "It'll be so much fun!"

How could trying to squeeze money out of random suckers who believed there was a god be fun? I didn't get it.

Plus, I wasn't very charitable. As much as I hated being a charity project, I also hated people supporting them because they often benefitted from giving away money. Usually more than the charities they supported.

"I really don't think that's a very good idea," I said. "I'm not very creative and stuff."

"But you can actually bake," Angela said happily. "In fact, you are excellent at it."

Traitor.

"Oh, we could use someone who can bake some cakes for the bake sale," Esme Cullen chimed in. "Mrs. Cope is baking blueberry pies but we could really use some variety."

"I can't really…" I hedged. "I haven't baked much and it's very short notice."

"Emmett and Edward have told me you are a wonderful cook," Esme said, beaming. "I'm sure your cakes will be wonderful."

"Please, Bella, it's for charity," Alice begged.

"You know, it'll look good in front of a judge," Angela reminded me with a wink.

She really was a traitorous bitch and I meant that in the nicest – I'm going to kill my best friend – way.

Fuck, I was being outnumbered here.

"All you have to do is bake some cakes. You don't even have to be there or stick around," Alice encouraged me. "I'll make sure you get credit and a declaration of good behavior of some kind. Something you can use during the trial."

I hated how she casually brought up my looming court date, even if it was months away. I wasn't sure if Esme knew but her face betrayed nothing. She just kept smiling and it didn't even look fake or forced.

"I…..."

"Bella," Esme said, "we could really use the help. If the idea of being at the actual carnival makes you feel awkward, you can just drop off the cakes and leave."

I sighed, defeated by three women who smelled an opportunity. "Look, I am not a pro. I don't even know if I can pull off baking stuff that won't poison people or choke them."

Esme put a motherly hand on my arm like she had done a few times before. "You'll do fine, dear. I'm sure of it."

And just like that I was a part of something I didn't want to be.

* * *

"Do you want chocolate or apple?"

Chocolate or apple. Chocolate or fucking apple. Thanks to three fucking women ganging up on me, I now had to make the ridiculous decision to either bake five chocolate cakes or make the same number of apple pies.

I had no time for this. I was too busy messing with the buttons on my phone, because I suspected it was fucking broken.

"Bella?"

"What?" I snapped as I divided my attention between the screen of my phone and trying not to bump into people.

Of course, I did bump into someone; Angela - and she was giving me the stink eye because of it.

"Pay some attention will you," she demanded.

"I think this thing is broken," I muttered, explaining and holding up my phone to illustrate. "I didn't mean to yell, sorry."

"Why are you so focused on your phone? Are you expecting an important call?"

Angela sounded curious, nothing more. But the way I heard it, it sounded like she was teasing me and I hated to be teased about something as ridiculous as waiting for Edward to call me.

Because yes, I was still fucking waiting for him to call me and I was still being a pussy about it; staring at my phone like some lame ass, love sick girl who wanted her boyfriend to call her. And it wasn't like I wanted him to be my boyfriend. Please, we weren't even real friends. Buddies or acquaintances, and maybe some sort of friends in a very warped way but that was as far as it went. It was fucking far enough.

"It's nothing," I grumbled.

"Bella..." Angela said sternly. "What's going on..?"

"Edward," I sighed. "He didn't call last night. It's weird because he never misses a call."

Angela nodded with a knowing smile before that smile turned into a smirk, and that smirk turned into pouting lips and Angela mockingly teasing me with kissy faces. "Bella and Edward sitting in a tree…"

"Finish that sentence and get bitch-slapped," I warned. "I am fucking tired of your teasing."

Angela giggled. "I'm sorry. You two are just so adorable together."

"Stop that," I warned. "Don't ever call us adorable. I'm just pissed he didn't call. It's fucking unfair because I waited for him and everything."

"He didn't call?"

"No."

"Maybe he forgot?"

I snorted. Edward and forgetting was like snow in hell. He remembered everything and anything. It was often annoying but now it was a reminder that he might be purposely ignoring my calls and texts. Which was very frustrating.

"Probably not," Angela agreed as she noticed my expression. "Have you tried calling him this morning?"

I waved my phone around. "Guess what I'm doing."

"Oh, right…well back to a real dilemma: chocolate cake or apple pie?"

"What?"

"I know you want to wallow because Edward skipped a call, which he probably has a very logical explanation for, but can we get back to the bake sale; are you going to make chocolate cake or bake an apple pie?"

Right. The bake sale. The only reason I had agreed was because it might please a judge like Angela and Alice had suggested and well, Esme Cullen had been smiling broadly when I had finally relented and I didn't know why but I sort of liked that.

"I'll go with chocolate," I told her and she nodded in approval.

"Good choice."

"So how're things with Ben?" I asked, changing the subject, hoping it would distract me enough so that I wouldn't end up breaking my phone out of fucking frustration.

Angela didn't answer right away, she was too busy reading the recipe and looking for the right kind of flour. Once she had it, she turned to look at me.

"I like him a lot. He's funny and smart. And I think he really likes me too."

"But?"

Angela sighed deeply. "You know the big but. I have to tell Ben about you know what and once I do I'll never see him again because he'll run off."

Right, drug-dealer Ben. I knew Angela was worried about telling him that she was a professional whore - and not the type rappers used in video clips – which risked a crushing of their blossoming relationship or whatever the fuck those two crazy kids were doing. But the longer she kept this a secret, the bigger the risk that he would in fact leave her.

"You gotta tell him, Ang. The longer you wait, the more he'll resent you for it. And secrets always have a way of coming out," I said. "If he cares for you, he'll understand."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then he's an asshole."

"And speaking of assholes," I added, holding up my phone. "I'm going to harass one's voicemail."

* * *

Baking a chocolate cake was fucking harder than the multiple recipes I'd checked on the internet made it seem. I was covered in batter and there was sugar and flour everywhere.

Thank fuck this was just a test cake. I couldn't even imagine getting to the part where these cakes had to be sold to people, who would then eat them and not die.

Angela had left me alone to wrestle the recipe for an 'easy' two layer chocolate cake.

Easy my ass.

The problem with baking for someone else is that you know they're going to have fucking expectations.

I hated it when people had expectations because I barely ever lived up to them.

The only time I'd manage to meet expectations had been when I was on my knees, licking up and down a shaft covered in rubber, and I used to get paid for meeting those kinds of expectations, which made it easier to do my best.

I placed the baking tin on my tiny kitchen counter and filled it with the mixed batter before sliding it into the pre-heated oven.

The cake had to bake for about 45 minutes so I decided to make the chocolate frosting in the meantime.

I mixed a bowl of softened butter with powdered sugar and added 4 table spoons of lukewarm milk, vanilla extract and cocoa before starting to mix it together. Once it was smooth I placed a towel over it to let it rest.

I started cleaning up the mess when my phone rang. I picked it up, smearing chocolate batter all over the digits.

"Fuck," I hissed as I tried to push the green answer button.

"Bella?" a deep voice sounded.

Double fuck.

"Edward?"

Edward was calling me. Edward was _calling me._

It was a little sad how I was happy about this.

I wanted to say something snarky but decided against it. Instead I decided to play it cool. "Hey, are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry I missed you calls," Edward said, his tone clipped.

He sounded fucking weird. He didn't sound like _my _Edward at all_._ _My _Edward,I shook my head at the thought. Edward wasn't fucking mine.

He was my friend. Nothing more. I just meant _mine in the 'he's my friend' sense. Fuck, whatever. He wasn't mine._

"Bella?"

I sighed. Why did his voice have to be so deep and soft like velvet. I didn't even fucking know what soft like velvet meant in terms of voices but he sounded that way.

_Don't get fucking sappy, Bella_ I chided myself. _You're losing it. Play it cool. _

"No biggie. I was just checking in," I told him nonchalantly even though a certain voicemail I had left him earlier had said the complete opposite.

"I have to apologize to you for not calling last night. I had a busy day and fell asleep and when I woke up it was too late to call you." Edward explained.

I smelled the bullshit a mile away and it was extra stinky because Edward – sweet pure Edward – would never lie, would he? That would land him a ticket in hell.

"What did you do?" I asked curiously, hoping to determine if he was in fact lying or not. If he was, then god would bitch-slap him out of heaven and maybe he could come live in sin and…._shut the fuck up!_

I hated it when my inner self was rambling.

"I went to church and helped out with the preparations for the Bible Week since it's starting on Friday. I'm volunteering, so I always help with the final details."

Bible week. Fucking Bible Week. If Alice, Angela and Edward's mom hadn't forced my hand and played me so successfully – promising me it would look good on my record and all which had made me budge- I would've laughed in the face of every idiot who suggested I'd join, including my best friend, the pixie fairy and Edward's mom. Like I fucking cared about the Bible Week. The idea of having to participate in any way made my skin crawl and while I didn't want to back down now, I still shuddered at the idea of having to basically promote something I was completely against.

"I know," I grumbled. "I got suckered into helping out."

I heard Edward's deep sigh, indicating he knew what I was talking about. I guess Momma Cullen moved fast and she had told him.

"Another thing to apologize for," Edward said. "I spoke to my mother the other day and she kept pushing me on how it would be a good idea to ask you to participate. Of course I told her that you didn't want to. I had no idea she would corner you at the community center when you were there. I know how you feel about Bible Week and if you don't want to do it, I'll let my mother know."

"How did you..?"

"My mom called me," Edward clarified before I could finish my sentence. "She told me you had agreed to join. I have to say I'm surprised you didn't tell anyone off."

"I wouldn't do that to your mother," I said. "Although I did have some colorful refusals in mind."

"Look, I'll tell her you don't want to. I'll call her later. It's no problem."

"No, don't!" I rushed to say, hating the words that came out of my mouth.

_Shut the fuck up, Bella. Let Edward take care of it. You don't want to help out so let him fix it._

"Bella, you don't have to do this," Edward echoed my thoughts. "I know you'd rather stay away from all events related to the church."

He knew me well enough to know that was the case. And still I went against him and told him I wanted to help.

Silly Bella.

"I…I already started baking a fu…freaking cake for the bake sale, so…I'll do it. I'll hate every minute of it, but it's charity, right? And it'll look good when a judge will decide on my fate in January, thinking I can't be too bad if I can bake cakes."

I looked at myself, covered in the remains of the cake baking test, shaking my head. I was so screwed. And not the kind I'd used to make money with.

I could hear Edward's genuine smile when he agreed. "It _is_ charity. I know you think it's all about the church but the community center and several smaller projects benefit from this too. You don't have to associate it with the church if you don't want to."

"I'll keep that in mind," I muttered as I tried to wipe myself clean with one hand, while the other held my phone.

"But Bella, really," Edward said. "If you don't want this; please don't feel obligated. I know my mother and Alice can be pushy but you shouldn't let them force you."

"I said I'd do it. I'll just ignore the Big Guy upstairs and pretend it's for something else instead." I said.

"So you're baking?" Edward asked and he sounded amused. It didn't escape me that he sounded warmer and less distant than he had a few minutes ago.

"Chocolate cake," I offered. "It's a mess around here."

"Chocolate cake. With frosting?" he asked and I could hear the hopefulness ringing through.

"Yup."

"That sounds delicious."

"It may sound good but that doesn't mean it's edible," I warned. I hated it when people put pressure on me with accolades of praise for something they hadn't even seen, or in this case: tasted. It made disappointment that much more palpable.

"I'm sure it'll taste great," Edward offered.

"We'll see."

Silence filled the space between us. I could hear Edward breathing on the other side and wondered what he was thinking. He had yet to bring up my rather fucked up message and while his voice had warmed, his mind still seemed elsewhere.

"Have you thought about calling that diner and ask about their job opening?" Edward finally said, breaking the silence.

Right, the job. At the diner. _With Tits. Definitely not something I wanted. I didn't want to fucking work with the world's fakest waitress and her 'attributes'. The idea alone was horrifying._

"I haven't had the time yet. I had to help Angela this morning and I'm baking a cake now," I pointed out icily, knowing Edward would push me on this.

And he did. At least he was predictable in that sense.

"When will you call?" Edward wondered.

I got pissed that Edward was being so pushy, especially after he had just apologized for his mom and Alice being that way. Not to mention the fact that he practically demanded for me to get a job but didn't have one himself.

"_When_ I have time," I muttered. "You can't have it both ways, Edward. I can't bake cakes to support an institute I am very much against and ask around about jobs at the same time. I can't _do _both."

"Bella, you need a job. It's part of the program. I just want to help you with that," Edward told me.

"Well, stop being so demanding, it's not helping!"

Another deep sigh sounded before we fell into a brief silence again.

"Look, I have to get going, my class is starting. Do you want to meet me at the diner later so we can ask about the job? Face to face might look better than calling about it," Edward said. "I could be there for moral support."

"Later is no good," I said, not in the mood to see him now. "I have a few cakes to finish."

It wasn't a lie; Esme had asked for five cakes and I would have to bake them all separately because my oven was way too small to bake two at a time. Plus, it didn't hurt to have a legitimate reason to decline on Edward's invitation. I was in no fucking mood to deal with him now.

"When will you have time then?"

I sighed deeply, putting emphasis on my irritation by exaggerating the noise.

"I guess we can go and check it out tomorrow, if that suits you…"

"I have no classes tomorrow but I need to help set up some things for my church discussion group. I could meet you in the afternoon?"

"Fine."

"Okay, well, I'll call you later tonight?"

It sounded like a question.

"No need," I said, not wanting him to feel obligated to call. I didn't even want him to call.

"Bella?"

"Look, we talked. I'll see you tomorrow at the diner."

"What time?"

I frowned – which of course Edward couldn't see - because I was pissed that Edward had brought up the job thing.

"I'll see you there around 2:00 PM," I told him before hanging up.

* * *

The next morning I was sitting in a surprisingly crowded waiting area, ready to meet with Doctor Carmen for my weekly therapy session.

There was some soft tingly music playing and it made me fucking edgy. I wanted to scratch myself open; I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Most of all, I wanted to get the fuck out of there.

The waiting area wasn't just Doctor Carmen's. Since she had her practice in a building that also housed a free clinic it was filled with weirdoes.

Including yours truly.

In the corner there was a girl – probably no older than sixteen – and the protruding belly she seemed almost oblivious about betrayed that she was pregnant.

She looked like she was between half dead and half coked up – her hair was greasy and her clothes stained and filled with holes - and I shook my head at the image of a future where it was inevitable that her kid would end up on the streets. Next to her was a guy covering his cock with his jacket because it was tenting up his pants. Guess he'd been playing with 'uppers' or something.

I was almost happy when Doctor Carmen's assistant called me in.

I found the woman that constantly tried to squeeze my brain like lemons – all bitter and sour – behind her desk and she was smiling at me, gesturing for me to come in.

"Sit down Bella. I just need to finish this email and then we'll get started."

I plopped down on the leather sofa and resisted the urge to lie down flat and close my eyes for a nap.

"Would you like something to drink: coffee or tea? Maybe some water?" Doctor Carmen's assistant asked.

"Water, please," I replied politely.

The woman – I didn't know her name – was in her early thirties with short blonde hair and she smiled a brilliant pearly-white smile before leaving.

"How do you feel today, Bella?" Doctor Carmen asked as she moved from her desk to sit on the armchair across the sofa.

I wanted to tell her to fuck off with the small talk. I used various levels of this particular defense mechanism with lots of people but whenever Doctor Carmen asked me redundant questions that required pleasant answers I wanted to be extra foul. Unfortunately, since she was the only one who might be able to make sense of my scrambled brain, I had to try and be nicer to her.

Besides, it was not her fucking fault I was such a screw up and she would eventually kick me out if I didn't try harder.

So I tried. _A little._

"I'm fine," I muttered. I may try to be nicer but I was just so fucking tired of people asking me how I felt. I wasn't doing badly, but it was hard to put things in the right perspective. In order to get to that point, I had to open up and I didn't want to fucking do that.

"You deflect from talking about emotions by claiming you're fine," Doctor Carmen said, as she wrote on her notepad. "A lot of people do that when they either don't want to talk about themselves or want to get away from a conversation all together."

I hated it when she did that weird analyzing thing where she would point out every little thing I was supposed to feel and do.

"Two for two, Doc," I grumbled. "I don't want to talk about my feelings. In fact, I don't want to talk at all. Kudos for figuring that out, I guess that's why you make the big bucks."

Doctor Carmen looked over her notepad, one eyebrow raised condescendingly. "It's a simple question, Bella. You're the one who makes it difficult."

"You know, when you ask me how I am and I tell you 'fine' that's it…I am fucking fine," I told her angrily. "No need to break down every word I say into little pieces."

Doctor Carmen eyed me intently which made me fucking nervous. I hated it when she stared me up and down like this.

Before she could speak, the door opened and her assistant carried in a tray holding a jug of water and two glasses. She placed them on the small coffee table and left without saying a word.

Doctor Carmen leaned in to pour two glasses and gently pushed one towards my side of the table.

"I'm not breaking your words into little pieces," she explained. "I am looking at your non verbal responses. You say you're fine but you're slumped on my sofa. You look tired and you seem on edge."

I rolled my eyes at her explanation, mainly because I knew she was right. I had no desire whatsoever to get in touch with my deeper emotions and share them with her. "I'm always on fucking edge."

Doctor Carmen nodded. "And why do you think that is?"

Fuck, she tricked me with my own words.

"I'm looking for a job," I blurted out, hoping that this relatively neutral topic would stir her away from topics like feelings and personal growth.

"A job. That's good news. What kind of job?" Doctor Carmen asked, writing more stuff down.

"I'm not sure yet. I'm going to check out this waitressing job at a diner this afternoon," I told her.

"A waitressing job?" she repeated. She sounded skeptical.

Which pissed me off. "Yes, is there something fucking wrong with that?"

Doctor Carmen shook her head. "No, Bella. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But do keep in mind that customer service is a very…how shall I put it…friendly business and…you…"

"I'm not very nice?" I said.

"Well, you can be very brusque about certain things which are often emphasized by a high amount of 'fucks' you use whenever you try to make your distaste clear."

I chuckled at her strained use of the word fuck.

"I can hold back," I assured her.

"I'm sure you can, but people who work in the food industry; they wait on others. It's necessary to be very customer friendly. Plus," she continued before I could interrupt her, "you have to work together with colleagues. Creating a hostile work environment will get you fired."

"I'm not fucking stupid. I know I have to put a fake smile on my face when interacting with people; whether it's colleagues or customers," I muttered. "I can fake it. I sure as hell know how to do that."

"Maybe you need to look at other things; jobs less related to working _with people or serving them."_

"Look, Doc. I know aplenty about customer service. I served people for years." I countered angrily.

"I don't think it's the same type of service to please a man sexually and bring him the right beverage." Doctor Carmen pointed out.

"Still, I'm sure it won't be that hard."

Doctor Carmen only raised her eyebrow at that but didn't comment any further.

The rest of our session was filled with your basic annoying psych-analysis. I remembered Angela's words of advice to talk to Doctor Carmen about the lack of sleep and the nightmares but I simply couldn't. I also hadn't told her about the Cullen family dinner. There was only so much I'd let her know.

After therapy I went to the diner Edward and I had breakfast at a few days prior. To say I was fucking pissed after my shrink session was an understatement but I also felt determination at trying to prove to Doctor Carmen that I was not as much of a mess as she probably assumed and wrote about in her little shrink diary every day.

I arrived at the diner but Edward wasn't there yet. The sun was shining and it actually felt pretty nice outside given the fucking fact it was November. I sighed contently, reveling in the feeling of having the sun warm my face.

It was simple moments like this that I tried to appreciate more. There was a part of me, a really fucking tiny part mind you, which felt half alive. Of course, the larger part of me, the girl who hated talking about feelings and had locked away whatever emotions that festered inside her, was still very much broken. But that tiny part kept me going; made me try. Even if the ultimate conclusion would someday be that I was and would always be broken beyond repair.

If Doctor Carmen knew I was feeling _anything at all, she would call it 'progression'._

Keeping my eyes closed, I felt the rays of sun soaking through my pores. The bright colors behind my eyes reminded me of a nonexistent place where everything was perfect and peaceful. If I believed in some crazy religion, I might consider this to be fucking heaven for a small portion of a moment.

"Bella," a deep velvet voice called.

Hmm, maybe it was.

I opened my eyes and found Edward looking at me in the strangest fucking way. I tried not to ogle him in his dark denim jeans, standard black converse and a black hoodie, but damn if I didn't love it when he looked more like a typical student and less like a god serving wannabe. And Edward looked more like a hot male model anyway. It was such a fucking waste he wanted to be a priest.

"Hey," I said before I straightened up and walked over to him.

"Hey," he said, a small smile playing on his lips.

"What?" I asked when his smile broke out into a full grin.

"Oh, I was just thinking about that intriguing voicemail you left me on Monday. I'm glad you didn't come over and beat down my door to see if I'd been murdered by Jehovah's Witnesses. I am pretty sure they're not allowed to kill."

"Right because it says so in the giant book you all carry around all the time." I shot back. "Plus, don't they have big feet? They could kick down your door."

"Big feet? Oh…because they always stick their foot in the door," Edward grinned, before he pointed at the diner. "Are you ready to do this?"

Was I ready? No fucking way? I knew getting a job was an essential part of the Redemption Program and living off benefits was not a fucking picnic but getting this particular job was not my fucking idea of 'progression' and 'growth'.

I was only doing this to prove Doctor Carmen wrong and I supposed that was as good a motivation as any.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" I muttered before pushing past Edward and opening the door to go inside.

I ignored him as he caught up with me, pulling the flyer that read "Help Wanted" out of my satchel, holding it like it could protect me from the likely rejection I would face.

The worst part of walking in there was that I had to pretend; hold my head high and act like I knew what the fuck I was doing, when really I was completely out of my comfort zone. It made me feel weak and I hated feeling that way.

See, fucking men was easy and felt powerful. You owned them when you had their dicks on your mouth. But doing something that was considered normal: _that freaked me out._

I took a deep breath to compose myself and tried to keep my eyes on the guy standing behind the small counter.

A hand on my back startled me and I looked over my shoulder to see Edward smiling sheepishly before pulling his hand away and gesturing for me to walk forward. My back burned at his touch but I had no time to dwell on that as I was forced to speak when I approached the counter.

"Hi," I said, looking at the guy, who was hunched over the counter top, deep in thought as he wrote down stuff while pressing the buttons on a calculator.

He looked up and gave me a professional smile.

"Hello."

He was in his fifties and looked like he was Native American. He didn't have a nametag and made no move to introduce himself. He simply waited until I told him what I wanted.

I sensed Edward standing behind me and the guy in front of me looked between us and then straightened up.

"Do you to want a table?" he asked. "I can call one of the waitresses to lead you to one."

Edward shook his head before I could answer. "No, Isabella is here because of that job opening you're advertizing. For the waitressing position," he clarified.

I held up the flyer for emphasis, feeling fucking incompetent because Edward was interfering with my business.

"I see," the guy nodded. "Well, Isabella, do you have any experience as a waitress? Have you ever worked in a restaurant before?"

_Fuck._

I couldn't lie because if the manager would fucking check my credentials he'd know my biggest achievement was shoving a 9 inch cock in my mouth.

Yeah, that shit had actually happened, practically dislocating my jaw. It had hurt like a mother fucker too. Anyway, it sure as fuck wouldn't get me the job. Plus, lying would have Edward all over me. And not in the good kinda way.

Not that I wanted him all over me anyway. I wasn't into the wannabe-priest see kinky stuff.

"I don't," I replied truthfully, knowing I didn't have a fucking choice.

"Well, do you have any credentials? A resume I can look at?"

"Look, if you can just call the manager, that would be great," I said, trying to act polite and all, biting my bottom lip to a bloody chaffy mess.

"I am the manager," the guy said. "Embry Call. Welcome to Roxy's Diner."

Edward came forward and held out his hand. "Edward Cullen, nice to meet you. Do you think we can perhaps sit down and talk about this?"

Embry Call frowned, not happy with Edward's suggestion. I fucking shared that sentiment because I wasn't happy with Edward either. He had no right to do this, buddy or not. He should mind his own fucking business, Mr. 'I'm Too Good to Get a Job and Love to Live Off My Trust-fund'.

"Edward, there is no need for that," I warned. "I can handle it."

"Look, the position needs to be filled by an experienced waitress. I'm sorry but without credentials or a resume I can't even consider hiring you."

Of course this guy had a fucking point and I couldn't even fault him for it. In the normal, _real _world people had a resume that did not say 'fucking professional' and credentials that didn't entail dangling balls and being a pro at rubbing out a hard on_._

I nodded and turned around to walk away. I expected Edward to follow me but he didn't. Instead he remained at the counter and quietly talked to the manager.

"Edward, are you coming?" I asked.

"Just give me a minute," he answered dismissively.

"Edward?" I demanded, "Let's go…"

But Edward ignored me and continued to talk to the manager. Son of a…well Esme wasn't a bitch, but still. I was tempted to call his cell and leave another passive aggressive voicemail that contained a misplaced joke about religion. Maybe something with Jews this time. It worked for Mel Gibson.

I waited by the door, tapping my foot impatiently when I noticed someone looking at me. It was Miss fake tan, fake boobs, fake smile, fake everything and she was chewing bubble gum and twirling her hair like the ditsy tool she was.

"I've seen you here before," she said, smiling darkly.

Kudos for attentiveness, I guessed.

"You mean you noticed my friend over there and tried to smother him with your ti…boobs," I said snarkily.

"Your _friend? So he's not your boyfriend?" Tits asked coyly, still twirling her hair around._

I was thinking about ripping it out in little clumps. Maybe make a necklace out of it. Okay that was gross.

I didn't verbalize the idea and sighed instead, not in the mood to deal with her. "He's not."

"Too bad, he seemed kind of into you."

I frowned, not expecting her to notice that. It was one thing to shove your tits in a man's face – believe me I had done that and it worked like a charm on anything with a cock that was willing to pay for sex – and another to notice the guy you were trying to smother with your tits being 'into' someone else. And Edward, soulful wannabe priest Edward, didn't want me like that.

Not now, not ever. He didn't want a girlfriend, he had told me so himself.

"Well, he's not. Trust me," I muttered before turning to go outside.

"Is he gay?" Tits called after me as I pushed open the door and walking out.

If only, that would at least make him less uptight.

But I never said that aloud.

The wind was cooler outside and I realized the sky was already getting darker and twilight was only hours away. Since it was November and all, the evening skies moved in faster and 3:00 PM felt like it was closer to midnight.

I waited for what seemed like ages. In reality it was probably five fucking minutes. I had no clue what Edward could be discussing with that Embry Call guy but I suspected that I wouldn't be fucking pleased when I found out.

Whatever the fuck he was doing, it probably meant more charity for me and another gold star from the Big Guy for him.

Five minutes later I found out I was right.

Edward came out and his face was glowing and his lips were pressed into a smug smile.

This wasn't good.

"What the fuck did you do?" I hissed, momentarily forgetting that I was supposed to curse less around Edward.

"I explained to Mr. Call that you are in a rehabilitation program and that getting a job is part of starting over. I told him how important this is to you and that he should hire you because you'd make for a good employee."

I rolled my eyes. "So you fu...you lied to him. Oh, you're going straight to hell, Edward."

Especially because I was going to spam his voicemail with snarky religious remarks.

Edward looked at me for a solid few seconds and the expression on his face was downright pained. Like I had just kicked him in the groin. Then he broke the stare and looked down at his feet.

"Fuck," I grumbled. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

I wanted to reach out and touch him but before I could even decide if that was a good idea, Edward held up his hand and took a deep breath before looking up again. "Forget it, it's okay."

"And I didn't lie," he added. "I told him the truth. You would make for a good employee."

"How would you know? The only job I ever had consisted of spreading my legs and giving head."

If my words made Edward uncomfortable, he didn't show it.

Instead, he put his energy in pleading with me. "Bella, that man there is willing to give you a chance. He wants you to come back tomorrow so he can talk to you and show you around, explain the job requirements etcetera."

"Edward…how did you get him to do this?"

"Bella, take this opportunity, please."

"Did you pay him?"

"No, I didn't."

"I don't believe you got him to agree without some kind of financial compensation," I said because there was just no fucking way that Edward had managed to convince the guy inside to hire me without paying him off.

"I didn't pay him. All I did was point out to him that as a dining establishment in Seattle the city council can approve for financial compensation when you hire someone who's in a program sponsored by church or city council. Incidentally, the Redemption is covered by both. It's not unusual for companies to get city council subsidies or special tax deductions to hire people who are disabled…"

"Are you fucking calling me disabled?"

"I'm just trying to explain. Look, I opened a door for you. You're the one who will either walk through or close it. I can't decide that for you."

* * *

On Thursday I was in fact hired at Roxy's Diner which meant I had my first official job that didn't require a lack of clothes, a flexible jaw and a waxed fun zone.

It was fucking terrifying to have to wear an apron, speak with two words where one of them wasn't the word fuck, remember orders and get them to people without tripping.

I was starting after the weekend and had the incredible pleasure to have my favorite waitress show me the ropes. Edward had been delighted I was taking the job and had thoroughly praised me when we had briefly spoken on the phone last night.

This morning I was meeting him at Discovery Park. I had promised to bring my chocolate cakes over so they could be sold at the carnival, which would be held at said park.

Bible Week had officially started with some sort of church concert thing last night and while Angela had joined, I had declined politely, throwing a fit when Angela had suggested I go. Because really, there was only so much change I could take. I could try and swear less. I could find a job and hope to keep it even if it sucked more than the job I'd held that had actually required sucking. I could go to therapy and not roll my eyes every fucking second because the crap these so called professionals were spewing was ridiculous. I could do my best and allow a little change.

But to go inside a church and be hypocritical about religion I could not. Go inside a church, sit in a pew and pretend I was perfectly calm would be a bigger challenge than anything else. I wouldn't fucking make it without having a giant panic attack.

I shuddered as I finished putting the cakes in giant containers that Esme Cullen had agreed to lend us. Angela had brought them home last night.

"You ready to go?" Angela asked. She was looking nice in a grey sweater dress and black leggings paired off with low heels.

I too had made some effort by wearing the black slacks I had worn to the Cullen dinner combined with a red sweater with a boat neck. It looked simple and professional. I combined the outfit with red ballerina flats and my hair in a pony tail. The shoes looked nice and were comfortable. I definitely didn't look like a whore.

"Let me finish packing these."

Angela helped me and smiled. "These are going to be a hit, I just know it."

"I hope so," I admitted. "I don't want people to get food poisoning."

Angela chuckled. "That won't happen."

"Will Ben be there?" I asked curiously.

"Why? Are you hoping to give_ him food poisoning?"_

I rolled my eyes. "I'm being nice here."

Angela grinned. "Scary. But to answer your question: Ben is waiting for us downstairs. I figured we could use some actual transportation to get these cakes down to the carnival in one piece. No pun intended since they are already sliced."

After an hour long drive in Ben's white Toyota, we arrived at Discovery Park and I had to fucking admit it was the perfect location for a carnival. It was Saturday so people were off, the weather was mild and everyone seemed generally cheerful.

Even_ I was doing okay, despite the serious reservations I felt at joining a church sponsored activity, even if it was just to drop off some sweet goodies. Because fuck me, I had sampled my own creation and it didn't taste bad at all._

Ben and Angela had chatted casually during our drive, while I had kept quiet in the back, keeping an eye on the multiple containers filled with slices of double layer chocolate cake. Upon arrival, Ben helped me unload the containers along with Angela.

We walked towards a large open field that looked out on the Olympic Mountains. It was beautiful.

The field was filled with booths and people. Most of them were unfamiliar to me but in the distance I noticed a tall, blonde supermodel and her bear of a fella who started sprinting towards me the moment I caught his eye.

"Bella!" Emmett Cullen yelled as he ran across the field, causing several bystanders to turn and follow his movements.

Worried he would run me down and take the cakes with him – Emmett loved to eat, I had seen that much the two times I'd encountered him around food - I moved behind Angela to protect my treats.

In the distance I noticed a tall figure with a bronze mop of hair that was casually walking our way.

Rosalie stood behind one of the booths and she wasn't alone. Next to her was a guy with short blonde hair and brown eyes. He was well built and his black, short sleeved t-shirt showed off his muscles.

"Bella!" Emmett greeted me again when he was close enough. "You made it!"

"Not voluntarily," I muttered which caused Emmett to bellow with laughter.

"I missed your happy nature," he chuckled. "So what treats did you bring me?"

He tried to grab one of the containers but I slapped his hand before he could. He was not going to touch my fucking cake unless he paid for them.

"Not a chance," I warned him."You want a treat, you pay!"

"How many times have you used that phrase?" he winked.

Asshole. If he thought that we were besties after one family dinner and that prostitute jokes were cool, he had another thing coming.

"Snooze, you lose Emmett. No cake for you," I warned, which gave me the satisfaction of seeing this man – built like a wrestler – pout like a little girl.

"Bella, aren't you going to introduce us?" Angela asked as she moved to stand next to me.

"Emmett, this is my best friend Angela and her…'rumored'" – I air quoted – "boyfriend, Ben."

Edward's brother grinned broadly as he shook hands with Angela and Ben. "I have no idea what rumored means, but nice to meet you."

Ben slapped my shoulder playfully which almost made me drop the containers I was holding. "Bella here doesn't like me very much. No idea why. I think she's just sad she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Emmett guffawed at that before he draped an arm over my shoulder. "Poor, B. You know, my brother IS available. Although that window is closing quick."

I rolled my eyes at him and turned to walk away from the misplaced humor fest.

"Closing window?" Ben wondered. "You better hurry up then, "B!"

"You can both kiss my…" I muttered before grabbing Emmett's arm and yanking it off. "Assholes," I grumbled as I stormed off, leaving Emmett and Ben chuckling behind me.

Edward noticed I was upset when I reached him and took the containers from me and placed them on the ground carefully, so the slices of cake inside wouldn't get squashed.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked, alarmed at my expression.

I was so pissed I wanted to fucking cry. Tears were stinging my eyes. The worst part was that it wasn't Emmett's misplaced "Bella's a whore" joke that got me. It was the _other_ one.

"Bella?" Edward said softly as he brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face. The moment his fingers touched my cheekbone a far too familiar electric current passed between us and it scared the fucking shit out of me because I _felt it._

And I bet he did too.

I shook off his finger before things could get too weird. There was no window closing. It _was_ closed. Closed _and locked. _

"I hope you won't mind being an only child because I am going to funking kill your brother."

"Funking?" Edward smiled a little as he lifted his hand and eyed the finger that had just touched my face. He looked oddly bemused before lowering his hand again.

"I don't want to curse on holy ground," I muttered.

"Yet, murder is no problem for you," Edward winked. "Also, this is just a park. Nothing holy about it."

"Perfect, it won't matter that I kill Emmett then," I quipped.

"Do I want to know why you want to bodily harm my brother?"

"He just nearly outed me as an ex-prostitute in front of my best friend's boyfriend who has no idea the girl he is dating still practices the said profession and really when you fuc..funking think about it, it's so unfair she has to tell him she needs to drop to her knees to pay the rent and Emmett should shut up about windows closing because it makes no sense…" I ranted on until Edward interrupted me.

"Bella, slow down. I have no idea what you're talking about."

I sighed, taking a deep breath. "Ben doesn't know about Angela's..."occupation," I airquoted. "And she really likes him but she's worried he'll break up with her once he finds out."

"I see," Edward frowned. "Well, she shouldn't keep it from him forever. If she wants the relationship to work, honesty is a key element. Bella."

"Well, thanks for that Hall Mark phrase of truth, Edward but sometimes you gotta lie because the truth is too hurtful. If Angela tells Ben she's a whore, he'll leave her. And I don't believe she should keep this from him either but I can understand her reasoning. Maybe once they're more established..."

"Bella," Edward interrupted as he gently grabbed me and twisted me around, only to have me come face to face with Angela and Ben. One looked mortified, the other's jaw was dropped to the floor like a badly drawn up cartoon character.

Fuck. They heard me.

"Fuck."

* * *

**A/N: Bella gets a job (in Holland companies get tax benefits/deductions if they hire unemployed people who have disabilities or won't get hired easily, so it's not far fetched, but I may have added a little creative freedom to it) Emmett's being a jerk but not intentionally. "Joke first, think later." should be his motto. Next chapter will deal with that. And Bella spilled the beans to Ben which was bound to happen.**

**References:**

**Bella's cake recipe: www(dot)cacaoweb(dot)net/easy-chocolate-cake(dot)html**

**There is a Roxy's Diner in Seattle. http:/www(dot)pastramisandwich(dot)com/ **

**Kudos:**

**As always to everyone who so loyally reviews, to all the people who read this story and enjoy it; I hope I keep amusing/intriguing you. Every writer loves reviews. I certainly do but I understand how people might prefer to enjoy in silence, which is fine too :)**

**Have a great week!**


	23. Not As Easy As Pie

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend! **

* * *

**CHAPTER 22: NOT AS EASY AS PIE**

_You have one new message._

"Hi Edward, it's Bella. I just wanted to let you know that I'm done. You didn't freaking call me last night, you don't reply to my texts and I know that you are way too…too anal…fu…too…you're too punctual to miss a call. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that you are either ignoring me or that you've been murdered by Jehovah's Witnesses. So if you don't call me soon, I will come over and beat down your door."

_To play message again, press 1. To delete message, press 2._

I stared at my phone for a few seconds before shutting it and placing the device on my small coffee table.

On the same coffee table also lay a printed pamphlet from the Holy Spirit Center in Anchorage, Alaska.

Father Masen had emailed it to me after I had called him yesterday because he was in New Orleans again so I couldn't speak to him in person. Long live technology.

The Holy Spirit Center was set up for those seeking a spiritual retreat and Father Masen believed I needed one straight away. It wasn't meant to be a penance because I hadn't officially confessed to him- such a thing wasn't possible over the phone – but it was the only form of guidance Father Masen had been able to offer me with the physical distance between us. He had acted as my spiritual counselor, not the priest I'd confessed to.

If it were up to him, I'd leave immediately because after the debacle Saturday night, he didn't think it was wise to remain in Seattle any longer. He'd suggested I get away as soon as possible – after going to an actual confession, of course - to "salvage the situation before it would turn into a true shipwreck and I would lose the essence of self."

The temptations were getting out of control, and twice in a very short period of time I had faltered to an extent that could no longer be qualified as 'worrisome but manageable' but went straight to an alarming 'crisis of faith'.

The problem however, was that it didn't feel like I was having a crisis of faith. I wasn't losing my religion. I still served God and I had no intention of changing my future, despite the fact I was experiencing things I had never before.

But perhaps _that _was the real issue: faith was not the problem, _I _was. If this was a crisis of faith, I'd have options to deal with it. I could go to a spiritual retreat like Father Masen recommended or I could reevaluate my future and perhaps choose a different life. But my faith was intact and I still wanted to become a priest.

Still, that didn't prevent me from going through unanticipated changes that had been brought on by being in Bella's presence. I didn't blame her but her lifestyle and our interactions were changing me and I didn't know how to stop that. And while I wasn't losing my faith or future perspective, these changes seemed to affect both and that was a problem.

I remembered how my eyes, dark and hooded, had been filled with unfamiliar desires I'd never even considered before meeting Bella. Feelings deep inside me had been awakened. I had sat in that parking lot for a solid hour, occasionally looking in the rear view mirror to see if my eyes would go back to their regular green. Eventually they had. My heart had returned to a normal pace, I'd managed to breathe again.

It'd felt like I had been possessed and the idea still terrified me. I shuddered at the memory of feeling like I had wet myself, although I knew I had in fact…ejaculated.

Once I had returned to my apartment, I'd taken a shower to cleanse myself. My underpants and jeans had felt sticky and dirty and I had put them in a garbage bag to throw them out the next day because I knew that I'd never be able to wear something that tarnished again.

After a night filled with brief slumber and accusing nightmares in which Father Masen and my dad had tried to burn me at the stake, while they drowned Bella the whore, I had returned my father's car early Sunday and of course my mother had demanded I stay for breakfast. I'd told her I was feeling unwell, which technically had not been a lie. I'd been feeling sick to my stomach due to the previous night's events and the lack of proper sleep.

After I'd promised to join the evening service because I would be skipping out on Sunday morning mass, I'd returned home where I'd taken another shower before I'd spent the rest of the morning in bed, staring at the pure pristine white ceiling.

I'd thought of Jacob and the sacrifice he had made. He'd given his life for mine and even if he had never intended for it to happen, that's how I'd always perceived it. Maybe it was a selfish notion to believe one man – well boy at the time – would save his friend with a simple, rather selfish demand of sitting by the window. If he hadn't complained so much, I would have been the one sitting in that spot and then it would've been me who had died.

I'd wondered about Jacob and the decisions he would have made based on the accident. What if our roles had been reversed? Would he have had the same calling and then, would he have willingly tied him to God for the rest of his life?

The silence in my apartment had never given me an answer and all too soon my head had been filled with images of chocolate and golden-brown, lustful eyes and long creamy legs in black heels. It had taken me another cold shower to kill the distinct possibility of a new erection.

Sunday night – last night - I had sat in my usual spot in church, my mother next to me. With Father Masen away and my father stuck on call at the hospital, Father Banner had evening mass. Something about forgiveness and how it had to be earned was all I remembered from his sermon. After the service I had confessed to Father Banner who had reacted the way I had expected. He'd remained professional but he'd strongly recommended that I seek out spiritual guidance as soon as possible and with Father Masen away he had offered his own services, telling me I wouldn't be the first 'young buck' he'd get back on track.

We'd prayed the Act of Contrition and he'd forgiven me. He'd also urged me to call him to set up an appointment, but I'd told him I would turn to Father Masen first. Father Banner had not been happy about that because he deemed Father Masen too soft to handle these types of errors.

If only this was just an error. An error like when I'd first ran into Bella and ogled her like some fifteen year old boy seeing a woman for the first time. _That_ had been an error. This was so much worse than an 'error'.

A deep sigh escaped me. Eventually I would have to return Bella's calls and messages. Not just because she would beat down my door if I didn't - she undoubtedly would - but mostly because I had to regain a feeling of normalcy.

By hiding, I was making matters worse. I was putting emphasis on the situation when really I should focus on moving past it.

What I had done was a sin. The biggest sin I had ever committed. It would take more than a confession and appropriate penance to put it behind me. Maybe going on a spiritual retreat would be the right thing to do, but since I had responsibilities, I couldn't just pack up and leave.

And I couldn't hide from Bella forever. I had to face her and see her in the right light. Right now, I associated her with sins, desires and impurities. But once I'd actually see her, I would be faced with reality and rationality and that would surely shed a different light on things and offer me a new perspective that might help me get past what had happened Saturday night.

I grabbed my phone and pressed the green call button without dialing the number because Bella was first on the list of my most recent callers.

I willed away my nerves when she answered but it was impossible to make myself sound light and neutral. The conversation was tense at first because Bella wanted to know why I hadn't called her and I only had false excuses that she probably saw through easily.

The awkwardness lessened when we landed on the subject of Bella participating in Bible Week by helping out with the bake sale.

In the brief moments I had spent with my mother yesterday, she had told me she thought Bella was a wonderful girl and that helping her was the right thing to do. How little she truly knew. Yes, Bella was wonderful and she needed help. But I wasn't quite sure if I was helping her by stooping as low as to imagine her in those heels, that trench coat…the way she had sat on my lap and what it had done to me…

While my mother had raved on about Bella, I'd tried very hard to squash the feeling of bile rising up my throat. At one point she had in fact suggested it would be a great idea to have Bella participating in one of the events for Bible Week because it could allow her to network and make new friends.

I had warned her that Bella shouldn't be pushed and that she wasn't one to be forced into certain social events but it hadn't surprised me all that much when my mother had proudly called me earlier to announce that Bella was in fact going to help out by baking some cakes for the bake sale.

I pointed out to Bella she didn't have to do it, knowing how pushy my mother and Alice could be, but she shot me down by telling me she had already started baking chocolate cakes. I encouraged her on that before the subject led to me reminding her of the necessity to find a job. More specifically, the job at the diner.

Bella responded grumpily, claiming she was too busy to call the diner about the waitressing position.

Eventually I convinced her of the importance of this opportunity and we agreed to meet tomorrow to go to the diner together.

At the end of our conversation Bella dismissed me and told me not to call her for our evening routine. That stung a little but I supposed she was angry that I had disappointed her last night by not calling and her dismissal was a way to show that.

The next morning I went to the church to help out with some organizational issues, like how to preserve some of the foods that would be sold without them going bad. Luckily, we had a few of those mini refrigerators available, so food could be stored there but there was a debate about how to get them to Discovery Park, the location of the carnival. Joe, one of the guys who occasionally did repair work for the church, agreed to help us transport them to Discovery Park.

Another issue – one that returned every year - was the weather and what we would do if it would turn bad. The forecast had been good, but you could never be certain and a backup plan was necessary. Measures varied from large tents to moving the entire carnival to another day if the weather would prevent us from being outside or in a tent.

The practicality of such trivialities was a welcome distraction and it also made the time pass quickly and before I knew it was time to meet Bella.

When I arrived at the diner, Bella was already there. She was standing near the front window with her eyes closed, seemingly enjoying the last days of sunshine before cooler weather would set in after the weekend.

The rays of sun danced around her and made her shiny mahogany hair look like the most expensive silk. Her ivory skin glistened like it had been embedded with diamonds.

The warmth of the sun and its light created a halo around Bella, making her look like an angel.

_My fallen angel._

I pushed back the desire to touch her and called out her name instead. At the sound of my voice Bella opened her eyes. The chocolate depths were sparkling with gold flecks and I took a deep breath to steady myself. She was truly exquisite; it would be impossible and even wrong to deny, even if I shouldn't care for such details.

Bella didn't seem to notice my strange behavior because she was too busy taking in my appearance; staring at my face and working her way down to my shoes before finding my face again. Her eyes crinkled for a moment before she greeted me. She walked towards me and we exchanged pleasantries.

Having her this close, talking to her and not imagining her in a provocative way proved to be easier than I'd expected, even if my confusion hadn't lessened. I finally managed to relax a little after days of inner torture. I would be okay for now, as long as I accepted my penance and didn't allow any further change.

I was going to be a priest. No interference could change _that._ And yes, I was also still Bella's buddy. I would help her and first on the agenda was helping her to get a job.

We went inside where we found the manager – Embry Call – who, after greeting us, questioned Bella about any previous experience and asked for a resume, neither of which Bella could present him with.

I knew Bella would give up the moment Mr. Call mentioned credentials and I was right. She walked away but I refused to be send off that easily so I stayed behind and explained to Mr. Call how important it was for Bella to have a job. It took some persuasion on my part and the promise of possible tax deductions and city council subsidies if Mr. Call would hire Bella, but he finally relented and agreed to give her a chance.

Bella was very displeased about this and showed as much by cracking misplaced jokes about me going to hell. Little did she know about the things that could in fact send me to hell.

I left Bella with a choice to either take the job or let it go and admittedly, I was secretly pleased when she told me she got hired two days later. The rest of the week was spent dealing with further preparations for Bible Week and Bella and I only had brief interactions over the phone. Father Banner had called me twice but I'd continued to tell him Father Masen was offering me guidance. This was true because I'd spoken to Father Masen three times and while he still believed the spiritual retreat would be the best, he didn't push it.

By the time the weekend rolled around, I was actually feeling quite good.

* * *

On Saturday morning I arrived at Discovery Park early with Emmett and Rosalie in tow. The location was breathtaking and I was happy the weather seemed to cooperate so far, which made any backup plan completely unnecessary.

Bella would arrive with Angela and her new friend Ben. The idea of Bella having to join in an event, related to the institution she was so much against made me nervous. Everyone, including my mother, Alice and me had told Bella she was free to leave whenever she wanted but I knew that actually being here would be overwhelming enough.

Rosalie was setting up a booth called 'Sweets and Treats' where homemade candy apples, popcorn and cotton candy were being sold. She was getting help from Riley, Emmett's only employee and colleague. He was a nice enough twenty-five year old guy and a loyal member of the church.

I greeted him hello and engaged myself in a little small talk. We talked jokingly about my sacrifice to allow people to throw day old pies in my face for the sake of charity. Emmett joined in and joked he would get me good and make sure my nostrils would be filled with whipped cream.

When my brother suddenly yelled Bella's name in the middle of our conversation and started running towards three figures that were unloading items from the trunk of a car – as far as I could tell from that distance - I realized she was here.

I observed for a moment as Emmett sprinted to Bella and got introduced to Angela and Ben and after a few minutes I decided to follow after him to greet them as well.

As I walked, I noticed how Emmett seemed to be joking with Ben and Angela. He even draped an arm over Bella's shoulder but whatever they were laughing about, it didn't amuse Bella because her expression turned sour and she removed Emmett's arm roughly before she walked away from the group, coming straight towards me.

Her pace betrayed she was frustrated as she walked with angry but unstable strides and I worried she would drop the containers she was balancing in her hands.

Emmett must have said or done something.

When she reached me, I noticed how her eyes looked watery, leaving me to wonder if she was about to cry. I felt instant anger at the possibility that Emmett had done something that made her want to cry.

"What's wrong?" I asked, alarmed at Bella's angry expression.

Bella huffed and blinked a few times, seemingly trying to fight back tears. I took the containers from her hands and placed them on the ground so that they would remain unscathed.

"Bella?" I asked gently, as my hand reached out of its own accord to brush a stray lock of hair out of her face. The moment my fingers touched Bella's cheekbone a frighteningly familiar electric current passed between us and it shocked me the way a touch of electricity normally would. I remembered the feeling from when I had touched her before. It left a stinging but strangely pleasant buzz that hummed through my arm. The feeling was undeniable and I was certain Bella had felt it too because she shook off my finger by stepping away from the brief contact.

"I hope you won't mind being an only child because I am going to funking kill your brother," Bella muttered.

I was still staring at the finger that had touched Bella's skin, slightly bemused by the powerful connection.

"Funking?" I smiled a little as I took a second to focus on the odd tingling of my hand before I lowered it and redirected my attention back to Bella. She had mentioned the word 'funking' and I had no idea what that meant.

"I don't want to curse on holy ground," Bella muttered.

Oh. Funking replaced _that_ word.

"Yet, murder is no problem for you," I winked. "Also, this is just a park. Nothing holy about it."

"Perfect, it won't matter that I kill Emmett then," Bella quipped.

I had no idea what Emmett had done but knowing my brother, he was quite capable of irritating people with comments and jokes he believed to be hilarious even though they were often incredibly ill-timed and inappropriate.

"Do I want to know why you want to bodily harm my brother?"

"He just nearly outed me as an ex-prostitute in front of my best friend's boyfriend who has no idea the girl he is dating still practices the said profession and really when you fuc...funking think about it, it's so unfair she has to tell him she needs to drop to her knees to pay the rent and Emmett should shut up about windows closing because it makes no sense…" Bella ranted on until I interrupted her.

"Bella, slow down. I have no idea what you're talking about."

I really didn't.

Bella sighed, taking a deep breath. "Ben doesn't know about Angela's...'occupation'," she air quoted. "And she really likes him but she's worried he'll break up with her once he finds out."

"I see," I frowned. "Well, she shouldn't keep it from him forever. If she wants the relationship to work, honesty is a key element, Bella."

Honesty. Perhaps it was unfair of me to point out the importance of it to Bella because it wasn't like I'd been completely honest with her the other day when I'd told her why I hadn't called her like I was supposed to. Lies were lies, even if they were lies of omission. If I encouraged the idea of Angela being honest with Ben –although her truth would probably be a very bitter one for both her and Ben – I should be honest with Bella as well.

"Well, thanks for that Hall Mark phrase of truth, Edward, but sometimes you gotta lie because the truth is too hurtful. If Angela tells Ben she's a whore, he'll leave her. And I don't believe she should keep this from him either but I can understand her reasoning. Maybe once they're more established..."

Bella ranted on, unbeknownst that her words were loud enough to be heard by the two people who had come up behind her.

Ben and Angela.

"Bella," I interrupted, gently grabbing and twisting her around, so she would come face to face with Angela and Ben.

Angela looked absolutely horrified, like she was hoping the ground would swallow her. Ben was gaping at Angela while he kept blinking which betrayed confusion and nerves. He was obviously trying to make sense of what Bella had just accidently said.

"Fuck," Bella muttered, breaking the silence momentarily.

So much for not using _that _word.

The tension was palpable and I knew it was wrong to be relieved that the attention had shifted to Ben and Angela instead of Bella and I, but I was. My finger was still tingling from touching her and this effectively broke the tension between us.

Angela seemed paralyzed with shock and Ben was staring at Angela, determining if what Bella had let slip was in fact true.

But before he could ask questions and put his confusion into words or give any kind of response, Angela grabbed his hand and dragged him away, leaving Bella standing next to me; frozen.

"Bella, are you alright?" I whispered, knowing it sounded redundant but couldn't help but wanting to check anyway.

Bella confirmed that as she turned around to give me a murderous look. "I just outed my best friend to her boyfriend, so ..I'm not fucking alright."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ask a stupid question."

Bella sighed, holding up her hand in apology. "No… I didn't mean to snap. It's not you I'm mad at."

She offered me a tiny smile before she started to walk away from me. "Look, Edward. I have to go find her."

"No, wait," I halted her by grabbing her hand and instantly releasing it because it tensed Bella up. "It's probably best to give them some time alone."

Bella seemed to mull this over for a bit because her eyes remained downcast and she didn't say a word. But then she nodded her agreement. "I guess you're right."

"I could show you around a bit," I offered. "If you like…"

Bella surprised me by gesturing me to lead the way with her hand. I grabbed the containers off the ground and suggested that we drop them off at the booth where the bake sale would be held. I knew Mrs. Cope, a veteran when it came to bake sales, always brought her own miniature refrigerator so that she could keep the baked goods fresh for awhile. Some of the other food selling booths had one as well but those were rented. For some reason Mrs. Cope always brought her own.

We walked across the field to the booth and I pointed out some people and activities to Bella, who nodded but didn't say much.

Once we arrived at the bake sale booth, Mrs. Cope greeted us with her usual enthusiasm.

"My, my…this looks wonderful," she commented as she took the containers and lifted the lid of one to take a peek inside. "I'm Shelley Cope, by the way," she extended her hand in greeting.

"Bella Swan. And thanks," Bella replied politely, giving Mrs. Cope's hand a very brief shake before turning away from any other pleasantries.

"Doesn't she want a button?" Mrs. Cope asked, holding up a red button that read 'He loves you, me and He loves PIE' in white letters.

"I'll give it to her," I assured her before following Bella.

"Here," I said, handing Bella the button.

"He loves pie?"

"Mrs. Cope has a strange sense of humor."

"I didn't know God allowed people to have a sense of humor," Bella commented teasingly.

I pursed my lips mockingly and pouted. "Are you telling me I'm not funny?"

Bella rolled her eyes as she played with the button. "You have your moments."

We walked in silence for a while until Bella let out a deep sigh and suddenly plopped down on the grass. I took a seat next to her.

"Angela is going to be so pissed…"

"It's not your fault," I offered.

Bella made a disapproving sound. "Please, Edward. Maybe you weren't paying attention before but I was the girl spilling the beans to Ben. So I'd fu…"

"Funking," I added with a smile, already knowing which curse word she'd use to convince me of her wrong doing.

"…_funking_ say…it's my freaking fault."

"You couldn't have known Ben and Angela would hear you," I pointed out.

"Like that makes it better."

"Look, like I said before, just give them some time. Maybe Angela will be angry for a while but you two are friends. I'm sure it'll all work out."

"I hope you're right."

"And, if it helps…you could blame Emmett. Since he started this whole teasing that got you upset."

Bella lifted her head as if I'd just provided her with an 'A-ha' light bulb moment.

"That's true. If he hadn't pissed me off, I wouldn't have gotten upset, wouldn't have started ranting. I wouldn't have spilled Angela's secret. Emmett deserves to be punished."

"Maybe he does. But perhaps this is a good thing too," I mused. "I'm sure Angela will stop doing…well _that _now, right?"

Bella frowned as she turned a little to look at me. "She has bills to pay. You should see the medical bills….the rent…everything…Edward, she needs a job…a decent job that can pay for all that."

"But surely there has to be something out there…something better than what she does now. What about her education. Does she have any diplomas?"

Anything was better than doing _that._

Bella shrugged. "Angela got homeschooled until she was fifteen. That's when she ran away from home and landed in Seattle. She doesn't know anything but doing what she does now."

"But she's smart and kind. She has the qualities to find a decent job, even if her resume is short."

"Try nonexistent," Bella muttered as she started to poke at her nails with the pin of her button.

"Well, she should ask around; maybe she can apply for benefits or get into one of those 'clean up your act' programs the city sponsors."

Bella looked confused. "Clean up your act? There's a program for that? Like the Redemption Program?"

"Yes but since our program is full, she should inquire about other programs; ones that are subsidized by the city."

"Non religious programs?" Bella muttered.

"Some of them, yes."

"You're telling me there are sponsored programs, programs like the Redemption Program that are not sponsored by the church?"

"Technically the Redemption Program isn't sponsored by the church alone…" I pointed out.

"But it's associated with the church," Bella interrupted, exasperated. "You know how I feel about all that shi…stuff and now you're telling me there are other programs. Why the fudge am I following the Cult de Luxe Special when I could be in a program that's not related to the church?"

"Fudge?"

"It's another word for fuck Edward, pay attention. I'm trying to swear less around you, because I don't want to tarnish your precious delicate soul," Bella huffed.

"Oh."

"I have to switch," Bella said, determined. "What other programs are there? And how do I switch?"

She sounded like she had made up her mind in an instant, without even realizing what it all meant. I knew she hated everything related to church and religion but I didn't understand why it made her mad to know she could have been in a different program. She was in the best program.

"Wait; hold up," I halted her. The Redemption Program is different from programs sponsored by the city. They are subsidized to an extent but generally, they offer far less than the Redemption Program. Most of them give you social benefits and a job coach, in hopes you'll find a job as soon as possible.

"But there's no counseling, no buddy to support you and a much higher risk at relapse."

"Oh," Bella muttered. "Still, you know how I feel about being sponsored by the church…"

"Bella, you don't owe anyone anything but yourself. Trust me…besides this is helping you. Like you pointed out…you're trying to swear…less…that's an impressive change."

"Hardly," Bella grumbled. "Now tell me, why would one of those city sponsored programs be good enough for Angela? Does she not deserve the best help like me? Since you claim the Redemption Program is so much better"

"Currently there's no open spot in the Redemption Program, you know that."

"So she gets second best. If that's what it is. I bet those city programs are shitty."

I chuckled at her reasoning. "A minute ago you wanted to switch programs."

"Whatever," Bella muttered. "You're the one who brought it up."

"I merely wanted to point out that there are possibilities. Maybe once all this mess with Ben is settled we can help Angela by helping her look at options. I wonder if she is eligible for other sorts of benefits or subsidies because she has HIV."

"It's going to be tricky for her to get a job. People freak out over HIV and AIDS and stuff."

"But she has friends. Together we can try and help her."

Bella nodded. "You're right. Thanks."

"Sure, no problem."

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Did you lie to me when you said you fell asleep on Sunday and woke up too late to call me?"

No. Yes. Bella was so perceptive. I knew she would sense I was lying, even over the phone. If I lied now, it would be another sin to add to the pile I was rapidly collecting. And if I preached honesty, I should practice it too.

"I uh…I panicked." At least that was true.

Bella frowned, clearly confused by my answer.

"You panicked? Because you thought I was asleep? Because you know how shitty my nights have been, I would've been awake to talk to you."

I took a deep breath and explained. "It's not that. It's just that a lot has happened lately. Remember our agreement to reset our friendship? It just feels like dinner with my family intensified things instead of finding a good balance."

"But you invited me to dinner. It was important to you. I…we're…we're buddies…our friendship, I…I'm funking confused."

"That's exactly how I feel," I offered. "I shouldn't have lied to you about why I didn't call. And I should've just called you and for that I apologize. But I just needed some time to figure out where we stand."

"And have you? Figured it out?"

I shook my head, unwilling and able to tell her more. "No. I haven't."

* * *

After my confession Bella and I decided to wander around the carnival a bit. It was still early; there weren't many people there, plus it gave us the excuse we both needed: keep things light and polite.

We talked a bit about generic things like the weather and how nice Discovery Park looked, but mostly we were both lost in our own thoughts.

The truth was simple: I didn't know where we stood. I could never tell Bella why things had gotten so complicated for me when I didn't know how to make sense of things myself. Also, I didn't even know how Bella felt. It was evident she felt the strange electrical humming between us because she had pulled away from it a few times but that didn't mean it meant something to her other than making her feel uncomfortable. As improper as my own physical experiences were, I certainly couldn't expect Bella to have similar ones. In fact, I shouldn't even entertain such ideas because it would only get me into trouble.

I thought about that brochure Father Masen had sent me and wondered if a spiritual retreat would help me put things in the right perspective. Maybe Bella and I needed some distance. Maybe we were spending too much time together even if the Redemption Program ordered us to. To an outsider it must look like we were dating, which was the wrong impression but an understandable one when people didn't know the details and only saw brief flashes of our interactions.

Eventually, we ended up at Rosalie's booth where we found my pregnant sister in law chatting with her husband and Riley. Riley instantly straightened up at the sight of Bella, a broad smile creeping up his face, but she was too busy to notice because the moment Emmett caught her eye, she frowned and shook her head.

"You're a jerk," she said, pointing at him.

"I'm sorry," Emmett offered as soon as he spotted us. "I was out of line."

Rosalie rolled her eyes and pulled Bella aside. "Do not accept his apology straight away; make him grovel for a while. He thinks he's funny but his so-called jokes get him into trouble way too often."

"Tell me about it," Riley weighed in as he leaned forward, ready to introduce himself to Bella. "I'm Riley, Riley Biers. I work with Emmett and let me tell you…I put up with his bad jokes all day long."

Bella gave him a nod and a smile. "Bella Swan. And…sucks to be you."

"Hey, I'm right here," Emmett complained. "Help me out, bro," he asked, turning to me. "Tell B I didn't mean it and that my apology is sincere."

"B?"

"I nicknamed her. She's B to me."

"Your use of full words is astounding," I teased. "But no...Rosalie is right...I think seeing you grovel is the perfect punishment."

Bella shook her head, but her lips offered a tiny smile. "First off, don't call me 'B'. Second, if I'm supposed to make you grovel, I guess that makes you my...you know what, Emmie."

We all snorted at Bella's improvised nickname.

"It's okay," Riley chuckled. "With Emmett or uh... 'Emmie' you can use the word 'bitch'. He's not religious enough to go to hell for it."

"Please," Emmet said, "God would be missing out if he didn't let me into heaven."

"Okay, that's enough," Rosalie warned. "I don't think we should mock Him, that's not right."

"Agreed," I chimed in before changing the subject, knowing Bella wouldn't appreciate getting stuck in a debate about religion. "Bella, would you like a refreshment?"

Bella rolled her eyes but answered. "Yes, I would love some refreshment."

"Water?"

"Water is fine," she nodded.

"Rosalie? Riley? Can I bring you something?"

"Water, please," Rosalie answered, while Riley asked us to bring him some of Mrs. O'Malley's famous iced tea.

"Emmett, why don't you come along and help me carry back our drinks."

"Sure," Emmett agreed before we both walked off.

"Bye Emmie!" Rosalie and Bella waved us off.

"So, Bella is really angry with me?" my brother wondered.

"You did insult her," I told him. "I don't know why you had to tease her in front of Angela and Ben. Her past is a sensitive subject. And not just for her, it is for Angela too."

"I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. It just slipped. I know that sounds like a lame excuse but I figured Bella would be able to handle it."

"Well, she didn't."

We arrived at Mrs. O'Malley's booth and she started chatting to Emmett while she got us three bottles of water and Riley's iced tea. My eyes searched across the field and found the booth we'd just left. Riley seemed to be doing his best to charm Bella, because he had moved closer to her, chatting to her animatedly, which seemed to earn him a few laughs from Bella.

"He's a nice guy," Emmett commented as he noticed me staring across the field.

"And he's single."

"Your point?" I asked, before taking the iced tea while Emmett grabbed the bottles of water.

"I was just thinking; maybe Bella needs someone in her life who can provide stability. Like Ben does for Angela. Though after that little bomb, I'm not sure if he's sticking around. Anyway, let's say he sticks around. The guy seems to care for Angela. It must give her stability."

"Given the fact you've only just met the two of them, I don't see how you can make that observation. But shockingly, you might be right. I don't know how it relates to Bella though."

"I'm just saying Bella could use that kind of stability as well. Someone who's there for her. Not just as a friend, but physically and romantically."

"I still have no idea what you're getting at," I admitted because I truly didn't. What did Bella needing stability have to do with Riley being single?

"Bella needs a boyfriend."

"Why?"

"I just explained why," Emmett sighed as he tried to carry three bottles of water without dropping them.

"Well, then you didn't explain very well because I don't get it. Try again."

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Ben and I may have teased Bella a little about wanting a boyfriend."

Okay, now I was completely lost. "You…what?"

Before Emmett could answer I interrupted him."Wait! Bella wants a boyfriend? What are you talking about?"

Had she said that? She certainly never told me. Then again, why would she tell me something like that? Still, we were friends and all. Was she dating? Why did I care about this?

Emmett interrupted my erratic train of thought by explaining.

"No, we just teased her about wanting one, because Ben said she didn't like him very much and that she was probably sad she didn't have a boyfriend. The context may have been off but it was all a joke."

"Did she say she wanted one?"

This may very well be the most bizarre conversation I had ever had with my brother.

Emmett snorted. "Nope, we just teased her by saying she did."

"Ok-ay," I said, trying to understand. "So you teased Bella about her former life and about wanting a boyfriend?"

"Yup."

Emmett didn't sound too remorseful, in fact he sounded amused.

"I suppose Bella's desire to kill you makes perfect sense now."

"Yeah, yeah...I shouldn't have done it. Anyway, maybe I should set up Bella and Riley to make it up to her."

"Set them up for what?"

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Seriously, do I need to spell out every little thing to you?"

"I guess you do," I shot back.

"A date. I think I should encourage Riley to ask Bella out on a date. He's been single for a while after breaking things off with Bree."

I halted, almost dropping Riley's beverage. Emmett wanted Bella and Riley to go out on a date...a romantic date? I was vaguely aware Riley had a girlfriend before but I failed to see why he should pursue Bella now, even if he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. I also didn't understand how setting Bella up with Riley for said date would be 'making it up to her'. It certainly didn't seem that way to me.

"You...want Riley to be her boyfriend?"

"Well, I think they might make a nice pair. I mean, look at them; he's got her smiling," Emmett pointed out.

There was something inside me, a feeling I barely recognized and couldn't quite put to words that told me that Emmett's idea was wrong. In fact, it was ludicrous.

"Just because he makes her smile, doesn't mean they should be in a relationship, Emmett."

A part of me felt like a child stomping its feet. I made her smile too!

"In fact," I added, "I am pretty certain the last thing Bella needs right now is a boyfriend."

Emmett chuckled, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "And why is that, dear brother?"

"The Redemption Program isn't easy for her. She's dealing with a lot of changes. The last thing she needs is a boyfriend to focus on when she needs to spend her time figuring out her life."

"So what you're saying is: it would be wrong to have any kind of romantic distraction; like say a guy constantly taking up her time, time that should be spent on changing her life and dealing with her past?"

I nodded.

Emmett startled me by laughing. Really, _really_ loud, because it even caused some people to look at us, wondering what could be so funny. I wondered too.

"Oh brother," he guffawed. "Your naivety is priceless."

I frowned because I had no idea what Emmett was getting at.

"What do you mean?"

Emmett sighed, muttering he wished he didn't have to explain everything to me all the time.

"Right now, _you're_ the biggest distraction to Bella."

"I'm her buddy. I'm helping her get her life in order." I argued. "That requires spending time together."

"Like every waking moment?"

Was I? Bella and I spent plenty of time together but it was necessary. As her buddy I was the one she could lean on; the one to offer her guidance. But that certainly wasn't every waking moment.

"I have my own life," I said."But when Bella needs me, I am there for her."

"Indeed. Much like a boyfriend." Emmett pointed out.

"I'm not Bella's boyfriend."

Emmett grinned. "I know that. You're her friend, her buddy…whatever. You will never be her boyfriend."

"Then what's your point?" I asked, ignoring the sensation of disappointment at Emmett's definitive and sensible conclusion that I would never be her boyfriend.

"Look, bro…for someone who's supposed to help her as a 'buddy' you are acting way too much like a boyfriend. The only thing missing is all the romantic stuff. Although, given your little situation a few weeks ago, I wonder if that hasn't come into play as well…"

I wanted to argue but Emmett held up his hand. "I know you aren't actually her boyfriend. But I've seen the way you look at her. You're more than buddies or friends. This isn't just about the Redemption Program anymore."

I had to hand it to my brother. He was quite perceptive when he wanted to be.

"I don't know what sparked that…little problem a few weeks ago, but I can see things are changing."

He was certainly right about that. And it terrified me.

"Dude, let's be real; you've always wanted to be a priest. And changes or no changes, as soon as you graduate you'll go off somewhere to prepare yourself to be officially ordained. Once you are...a priest, there will be no room to be friends with Bella."

"So what are you saying?"

"Be her buddy. Heck, be her friend for the time being."

"But?"

"But leave the boyfriend stuff to a guy who's not preparing to commit his entire existence to God."

* * *

When we arrived back at the booth, Rosalie was testing the cotton candy machine with a smiling Bella assisting her, while Riley stood aside, definitely ogling Bella.

It bothered me. It made me want to roll my eyes at him, or scrape my throat to gain his attention and then roll my eyes at him.

"Hey peeps, we're back," Emmett announced with a broad grin, before he handed Bella and Rosalie their bottles of water, while I gave Riley his iced tea.

"Missed us?" Emmett smiled as he planted a kiss on Rosalie's cheek.

"Hardly," Bella muttered but then she caught me looking at her, my eyebrow raised.

"I meant him," she clarified, pointing at Emmett. "Not you."

"So you missed me then?" I teased.

"Maybe," Bella shrugged while she unsuccessfully tried to open her bottle of water.

"Let me," both Riley and I offered at the same time, leaving the three of us in a weird situation. One Emmett picked up on because he winked at me.

Bella looked at me but before she could hand either of us her bottle, Riley – who was standing closer to her – put down his iced tea and took the bottle, screwing the cap off without a problem.

"Here you go, milady," he smiled with a fake British accent, causing Bella to giggle.

The sound stirred something inside me. Something equally powerful and disturbing as the tingly feeling I'd felt when touching my…penis.

In that moment, where Riley toasted his iced tea with Bella's water and they laughed at some joke I hadn't heard because I was too busy trying to make sense of what was happening in front of my eyes, _in that moment_, I finally understood what Emmett meant without him having to explain it to me over and over.

In a year, the Redemption Program would be over. By then Bella would hopefully have her life in order. I would be in the final stages of becoming a priest. In a year there might be a guy; perhaps Riley or maybe someone else who would be able to capture Bella's heart and do his best to make her happy.

I could see it: once Bella had her life in order and a man would properly pursue her - and she would let him - she would grow to care for this man and act like Rosalie acted around Emmett or Alice with Jasper. If Bella was truly lucky, she'd fall in love the way my parents had a long time ago; a love that would last a life time or more. She would be able to drop her tough exterior and feel cherished and protected.

That's how it should be. That was what Bella deserved.

A boyfriend. Someone who would test her cookies and call her every night they couldn't spend together without it being something written up in an agreement. Someone she'd have breakfast with and scold lovingly whenever she'd feel mistreated.

A man who would twist the cap of her water bottle. A man who wouldn't allow another man to do this.

I was not that man. I would never be that man, I knew that.

Riley might be. At least he had the opportunity to be because his future wasn't holding him back.

So, why did I want to stand between Bella and Riley? Why did I hate that she was giggling at his jokes and not mine, no matter how unfunny mine were?

Why was I so desperate to claim her, knowing I could never offer her more than just friendship? And even that would expire in a year because the moment I'd be ordained, Bella would probably never want to have anything to do with me again.

"Edward?"

Bella was smiling at me, amusement evident in her eyes.

I looked around to find Rosalie, Emmett and Riley gone.

"The guys had to help carry some stuff or something. Rosalie had to pee or something; probably a pregnant lady thing," Bella answered my unspoken question. "Are you alright? You looked like you were miles away."

"I…uh…"

"Very articulate, Edward," she chuckled, before taking a sip of water.

"Do you like Riley?" I blurted out, shockingly desperate to know the answer.

Of course, once I fully realized that the words had in fact escaped my mouth and Bella had heard them, I instantly wished I could take them back. Not only did they betray emotions I couldn't explain to myself and hadn't wanted to bring up to Bella but also it was a ridiculous question that had nothing to do with what she asked me.

Bella frowned and I expected her to go off into a rant filled with inappropriate, colorful language to put me in my place, but then, as breathtaking as rays of sunshine breaking through dark clouds, Bella started laughing.

Not giggling but full out laughing; snorting and nearly choking on her water.

"Oh. Edward…you're so funking funny," Bella laughed.

"I…just forget it. It's none of my business."

Bella straightened herself and took a few deep breaths to calm herself.

"I know you don't know much about relationships but here's a little secret: when you've exchanged no more than a few words with someone; someone you've known less than an hour…you can't really say if you like them or not."

"Oh," I replied dumbly.

"Now, I am fuc…funking curious what inspired the question. Is it because Riley opened my water bottle before you had the chance?"

"I wanted to help but he was very fast," I said.

Bella smiled softly. "Just because he managed to screw the cap off my water bottle, doesn't mean I love him or anything. Like I said, I barely know him."

"So, you don't?" I couldn't help but ask. "like him like…._that_?"

"Silly Edward," Bella chuckled as she ruffled my hair playfully. She did this sometimes, and in that moment I liked that she did it with me, instead of Riley and I didn't even care it was in fact meant to be a patronizing gesture.

"He seems nice enough," Bella offered. "I don't know much about him, since we met like an hour ago."

"Emmett is his boss. And he goes to church," I told her, knowing quite well how she felt about that, not feeling nearly as guilty as I should for trying to point out Riley's flaws instead of his fine qualities.

"I know. He told me. I told him church was a lame brainwashing institution."

"And?"

"And…he asked me out."

* * *

As the day went on, I couldn't help but think about what Bella had told me. Riley had asked her out. Per her own words, she hadn't answered him – _yet_ - but it was only a matter of time until she would and because she didn't dislike him, I saw no reason why she wouldn't take Riley up on his offer. There was nothing wrong with making a new friend and a date seemed friendly enough.

Yes, I kept telling myself that, even if a juvenile part of me wished she would laugh in Riley's face and tell him a big fat NO!

"You have whipped cream in your hair."

Bella was standing on the other side of the booth with Riley next to her. Because I had the incredibly important duty of standing behind a giant wall with holes in it so people could throw pies at me for a dollar– all in the name of charity of course – Riley had graciously offered to keep Bella company. Emmett had stopped by no less than four times and every time he had managed to completely cover me in pie, but then Rosalie had gotten sick from the smell of candy apples, which had forced Emmett to take over for her, leaving a fifth time of humiliating me out of the question.

I had expected Bella to leave, like she had proclaimed she would ever since she had agreed to bake cakes for the sale, but to my surprise she actually seemed to enjoy herself. Maybe Riley was responsible for that; I worried he might be and I didn't like it.

"Okay, three bucks so that's three pies," Riley grinned. "Ready, Edward?"

I sighed as I moved back behind the large wooden board and stuck my face though the hole. I silently prayed Riley would have bad aim, knowing praying for such trivialities was incredibly wrong. For the moment, I didn't care. Which should worry me, but I didn't care about that either.

"Bella, do you want to do the honors?"

"Nope, I bake cakes, I don't throw 'em," Bella said.

"Fair enough," Riley shrugged, grabbing a pie and throwing it so that half of it landed in my face.

"Score!" Riley boasted.

I hated the taste of half sour whipped cream and day old crust.

The next two pies were planted entirely in my face and victory had Riley cheering happily, high fiving Bella who seemed to be stuck between celebrating with him and feeling sorry for me.

"No hard feelings, Edward? It's all for charity, right?" Riley grinned as I reappeared from behind the board and searched for a towel to wipe pie off my face and body. I shrugged and decided not to really answer him, even though it seemed he was a little too happy about humiliating me in front of Bella.

"Looking for this?" Bella said as she held up a clean towel and motioned for me to come over. Too preoccupied with wanting to get whipped cream out of my eyes and nostrils, I didn't particularly care when Riley asked us if we wanted something to drink so I waved him off without a proper decline. He shrugged and walked away after Bella also declined but at least had the decency to thank him.

When I was close enough to Bella, I expected her to hand me the towel she was holding but instead she started wiping my face, smiling. "You're going to need multiple showers to get all the gunk out."

Her smile was amused but sweet and her touches felt gentle and caring and in that moment, I realized what the less than friendly feelings towards Riley meant. Why I had been so curious to determine Bella's feelings for him, even if there weren't any feelings to determine because they barely knew each other. Why I secretly hated the idea of them going out on a date. Why I really wanted to tell him to back off.

I was jealous.

I kept my face neutral while my insides were practically bursting with anxiety.

_I was jealous. _

Because it was such a foreign emotion to me, I hadn't instantly recognized that churning feeling in my stomach; like I was getting nauseous without having to throw up.

But it wasn't just jealousy. The realization also explained the questions that had arisen earlier when I'd seen Bella interact with Riley.

I now understood why it hurt to know I'd never be the man to love and care for Bella.

I called her every night, Redemption Program or not. I had tasted every batch of cookies she had made. We joked, teased and sometimes even fought a little. I remembered the feeling of her soft delicate hand in mine and how well it had fit when I'd prayed to God during her stay in the hospital after the..rape, believing the electric spark from our skin touching was Him speaking to me.

I knew better now. That spark was always there, like a soft humming; an invisible connection. Bella and I were intertwined on levels that went beyond being buddies or friends.

I realized that in some ways I was _that_ man; the man I wished Bella to end up with.

_For someone who's supposed to help her as a 'buddy' you are acting way too much like a boyfriend. The only thing missing is all the romantic stuff._ Emmett's words came back to haunt me.

I was acting like a boyfriend. Minus the romance.

But there was a part of me that maybe wanted that too. The romance.

I watched as Bella took care of me. How she wiped pie crust and whipped cream from my face and giggled as she picked cherries from my hair.

I loved that giggle.

"My very own Edward Sundae," Bella chuckled as she continued to clean me.

I looked at her as I thought of how she had withstood my family; my father most of all - because she knew her presence there was important to me. I bit back a smile when I thought of how she would have beaten down my door out of fear I'd been murdered by Jehovah's Witnesses; joke or no joke. I thought of how I'd seen her deep brown eyes and her creamy white legs when I'd touched myself and while that particular perversion disgusted me as much as it had pleasured me at the time – there was so much wrong with it – I knew the line between right and wrong was rapidly dissipating and I wasn't sure if I could stop the changes anymore.

"Bella?" I whispered, forcing her to look at me.

"Edward?"

I lifted my hand and brushed away another lock of hair, reveling in the sensation of how it felt like silk on my fingertips, ignoring the fact I was being led by feelings I couldn't catalogue and how this newfound bravery wasn't the best adviser to go by.

"I think I've figured it out."

"Oh?" Bella whispered, her brown eyes staring into mine, as if she could lift the truth straight from my thoughts.

Maybe she felt it too.

But before I could ask or tell her anything, a kind voice interrupted us.

"Edward?"

Bella moved her eyes to look over my shoulder, a crease forming above her nose as she frowned disapprovingly.

I flashed her an apologetic smile, took a deep breath and turned away from Bella, knowing the moment had passed.

Once I came face to face with our intruder, I met a pair of cool, blue eyes and a wide smile.

"Kate?"

* * *

**A/N: Kate won't come between Bella and Edward. Nor will Riley. But jealousy is the one emotion that often provides that "AHA" moment, so..it's part of the plot. We should be landing on the prologue in...3 chapters and from there it's...more bumps but also more progression. Emmett and advice...he ain't half bad if he can keep the bad jokes to himself. **

**References:**

**Holy Spirit Center in Anchorage, Alaska. http:/www(dot)holyspiritcenterak(dot)org/  
**

**Fic Recs**.

******- All That Remains by TheEdwardians: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6723327/1/ ****If you love a building plot, very detailed high quality chapters and the promise of a few twists and turns for Bella and Edward: check it out! You won't be sorry!**

******- Love is the End by phoebes. promise: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6445022/1/ **** It's complete so you won't have to wait for updates. Perfectly Imperfect Bella and Edward. Perfectly Written.**

**Kudos:**

**As always to everyone who so loyally reviews, to all the people who read this story and enjoy it; thank you for supporting this story. To all the "newbies" - welcome and enjoy the bumpy ride.**

**Every writer loves reviews. :)**

**Happy Mother's Day!**


	24. Life for Rent

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 23: LIFE FOR RENT**

_I deserve nothing more than I get _  
_Coz nothing I have is truly mine_  
**_-Dido - Life for Rent-_**

You know how in romantic movies there's a sexy male lead and a sexy female companion who keep dancing around each other until at some point the gorgeous, bronze haired guy decides to declare his undying love and devotion to the brown haired girl and just as they are about to kiss and fuck like bunnies – or chastely ride off into the sunset if it's PG 13 - there's the typical cock blocker in the form of an average looking blonde with blue eyes and enough pep to fire up ten cheerleading squads?

Well, replace everything about that scene except the players and meet Kate. Kate Smith.

She was not exactly peppy but she smiled a lot which made me wonder how her jaw didn't dislocate itself from all the faux happiness. Average looking: not so much. She was quite pretty with her blonde, shoulder length bob and sparkly, cool blue eyes. Most of all, she was smart; she studied some shit I couldn't remember and she now worked as a counselor at Edward's school. She was his dissertation counselor, which fucking meant she got to spend a lot of time with Edward without having that 'I'm an ex-whore who needs help' label.

Lucky girl.

Kate Smith. I had never spent ten minutes with a girl before and heard so much about her. But ten minutes had been enough for her to tell me what she'd studied, what she did now, how she knew Edward and what she planned to do next year.

Like I fucking cared about any of that.

She'd even managed to ask me what my profession was, but I couldn't exactly tell her I was a pro at blowjobs even if that would be the actual truth.

In the end, I'd never gotten the chance to answer anyway.

You see, for every moment in the movies that's romantic, cheesy and eye-roll inducing, there's that slow motion, bad news moment that, although equally cheesy, breaks your fucking heart in all its unfairness.

So, when a frantic Emmett interrupted our little verbal ménage a trois and told us there was something wrong with Rosalie, the scene changed and petty feelings of jealousy were temporarily rendered meaningless and inappropriate.

On what had supposed to be a beautiful Saturday, Rosalie and Emmett lost their baby, leaving the Cullens devastated.

Right now Rosalie was resting in her hospital room, while the family tried to pull it together outside. Sitting on one of those plastic hospital chairs, I watched the Cullens as a family.

Doctor and Mrs. Cullen were comforting Emmett, who probably didn't want to cry in front of his wife because it might upset her.

Esme Cullen kept sniffling, visibly sad about losing her first grandchild. Carlisle Cullen tried to support his son and wife by rubbing their shoulders and getting them water.

I watched them with quiet fascination, trying to imagine how strong they had to be to be able to deal with this tragedy. As someone who'd had her share of craptastic things happen to her, I couldn't really imagine.

I shifted my gaze to Edward, who was sitting in a corner, quietly talking to Kate.

Yes._ Kate_. She was here too.

Since she had a car and Emmett had taken Rosalie to the hospital in theirs, Edward and I had travelled with Kate who had been very determined and vocal in her support. She had basically demanded to drive Edward with no room to protest and while I could have stayed behind - like I'd wanted to – or go home, I'd told Edward I'd join him.

The drive to the hospital had provided little opportunity to talk; Kate had occasionally asked questions, which Edward had answered but for the most part we had all been lost in the silence of our own thoughts. Edward had sat in front, occasionally glancing at me through the rear view mirror but never directly speaking to me.

I watched them now, as Kate handed him a cup of something and he thanked her with a smile. I realized he had probably forgotten I was even here.

And of course, I wasn't oblivious to the glaring difference between Kate and me. While she was merely an acquaintance; someone Edward saw no more than a few times a month, and I was supposedly a close friend, she managed to provide the strength and support Edward needed, which left me sitting here in that hospital waiting room, wondering what the fuck I was doing there and who I was kidding.

It was one thing to be invited to dinner and hold up polite conversation but it was another to offer emotional support in times of distress.

I didn't have the capability to support the Cullens. Kate evidently did.

No wonder Edward gave all his attention to her.

Kate belonged there effortlessly; me being there was a joke.

* * *

While the Cullens were preoccupied with their grief, I decided to peek in on Rosalie to make sure she was okay before I went home. There was no need for me to stick around.

But when I quietly opened the door and expected Rosalie to be sleeping, I actually found her awake. So I couldn't leave without talking to her.

"Bella?"

Her voice was no more than a whisper and I felt embarrassed at crashing her room like this. I wasn't a family member and not even her friend, so it made little sense for me to be here.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were asleep," I said.

Rosalie flashed me a small smile as she wiped something off her cheek.

The light above her bed reflected in the wetness on her cheeks.

She was fucking crying.

"That's okay, come in. Please," Rosalie encouraged me.

"I really shouldn't bother you," I told her. "You need to rest."

"You're not bothering me at all. In fact, I could use a distraction. Staring at the ceiling is driving me crazy."

Rosalie sat up a little but she struggled with the pillows; one even fell off the bed as she tried to readjust it. She winced in pain – her stomach must still hurt – and sighed in frustration and I could tell she was about to start crying again.

I hesitated for a second before I grabbed the pillow and helped fluff all of them up behind Rosalie's back like I was a fucking nurse or something.

"Thank you."

"Sure, no problem." I shrugged.

"You can sit if you like," Rosalie suggested as she pointed to a chair behind me.

I nodded and pulled the chair closer to the bed.

"I…uh…how do you feel? I mean this all sucks."

Rosalie pondered the question for a bit and then, to my surprise, she snorted. She fucking snorted and I instantly wanted to apologize for asking such a redundant question.

"I'm sorry; I know it's a stupid question. Forget it."

Rosalie shook her head. "No, it's just…you're the only one who has asked me, expecting an honest answer. Emmett can barely look at me. Esme tries to be positive and Carlisle is in doctor mode. I can't really tell them how I feel."

Surprised I was doing something right, I sat a little straighter. "So, how do you feel? Really."

"You know, it's weird. When we told the family, three months hadn't even passed so it was irresponsible to tell them because of the risk. But I was so excited. Emmett was too, but he was being a real guy about it at first."

I had no idea what she was talking about, so I simply nodded, pretending to understand. How could one be a fucking 'real guy' about pregnancy? I had no idea.

"But then he got really excited too, dreaming of a son…our little Shaquille…"

Her eyes were filled with fresh tears and she started sobbing quietly.

To me, crying had always been a sign of weakness. But in that moment, I understood. The hardship she must feel at losing something she wanted so badly.

I couldn't relate by any fucking means, but I realized that Rosalie wasn't crying because she was weak. She was crying because she had lost her baby; her child. She was grieving.

It fucking pissed me off.

I wasn't mad at Rosalie, who obviously had every right to cry and mourn her kid, but her reaction sparked an anger towards my own parents, who'd been so very negligent that I might as well been fucking aborted back then.

I bet my mother would have been relieved if she had found herself in Rosalie's place since she never wanted children to begin with.

Rosalie sniffled a bit as she tried to compose herself. "It's silly right. I wasn't even half way and a miscarriage is always a possibility early on."

"Look," I interrupted her. "I can't pretend I have any idea how it feels but you were expecting a baby and…now you're not. That fu…funking sucks."

Rosalie let out one short chuckle. "It really does. It…sucks."

"And you shouldn't feel like it's silly. It's not."

"Thank you," Rosalie spoke softly. "I knew there was a reason Edward and Emmett liked you. Even though my husband can be annoying with his jokes."

I gave her a smile. "I can take it. So…tell me more. What are you thinking right now?"

Rosalie seemed to consider my question before she answered.

"Well, I know it's terrible but a part of me wants to try again….straight away. I know we're supposed to wait 6 weeks or so and that God will lead us to the right time, but a part of me feels like it's time wasted if I wait for it to happen.

"And I know in due time, in God's will, it'll happen. But it makes me a little impatient."

"God's will?" I asked incredulously. If god decided when to have a baby, was he also responsible for taking this one away?

I dared not fucking ask Rosalie and risk upsetting her even more.

"Yes. He must have had His reasons to take this baby away."

Okay, did she actually believe the miscarriage was a good thing, if it had been orchestrated by god?

While I shook my head in disbelief, Rosalie rambled on. "Maybe we weren't ready. Maybe the baby would've been sick. Who's to say…?"

I wanted to shake my head and fucking yell at her. How could she even believe that?

"What if it's just life? Or what if he –" I pointed to the ceiling to emphasize who I meant – "didn't decide at all. Maybe it was bad luck."

Rosalie, to my surprise, nodded. "Maybe it was. That's a version you believe and you're very much entitled to."

"You really think god decides for you?" I asked her. "That he decides on every aspect of your life?"

Rosalie took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes. I truly do. I know every human has self determination and that we are free to make choices. But when things happen that we can barely understand or process, I believe in Divine intervention. God is good. He doesn't take things from us to hurt us. I believe He allows precious things to be ripped from our lives at times."

"Why would he do that?"

Rosalie shrugged. "I don't question it, I simply accept."

I was baffled by her statement. It was so fucking simple, so definitive. Like there was nothing to do but accept whatever happened to you because god had decided for it to happen.

"You're very strong," I commented, not knowing what else to say. Rosalie was a gentle but firm believer and didn't need me to argue with her.

"Hardly," Rosalie whispered. "I wouldn't know how to deal with all this without my faith. But I do have that."

"Impressive."

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever prayed?"

* * *

_Have you ever prayed?_

Rosalie's question haunted me as I walked down the hall, looking for Edward. Ever since we'd arrived at the hospital he had ignored me and I didn't know why but it sure pissed me off.

I was on my way back to the waiting area when my phone rang. Feeling embarrassed to disturb the medically induced peace inside this place, I ducked into a hallway that seemed empty to answer it.

The display told me it was Angela.

"Angela?" I answered, my heart beating rapidly at the idea of having to talk to my best friend, knowing she had to be very mad at me. I had no idea how she would treat me. After what had happened at the carnival I fucking deserved Angela's anger.

"Bella, hey," my best friend greeted me quietly. "I got your text. Are you still at the hospital?"

"Yes, I am."

"How's Rosalie?"

"She…uh…she lost the baby," I sighed.

Angela echoed my sigh. "That's terrible. She must be devastated."

She must be, but I wasn't sure if Rosalie was. Mostly it seemed like she was insanely strong. Accepting it as god's will to have a miscarriage. Like it was no big deal that life was a fucking bitch that had taken away something that she so desperately wanted as brutally as getting fucked in the…

"Bella?"

"What? Yeah…it all sucks."

"How's Edward? He must be sad too. He told me he was looking forward to becoming an uncle."

Edward probably was sad. But since we hadn't talked since getting here, I could only guess.

And I had no fucking idea what was going on with him. At the carnival he had asked me about Riley, if I'd liked him and all that. Now any person with a little common sense knew that liking someone usually took a little time and couldn't be based on a short conversation about the weather, Emmett's poor jokes, or pie.

It was classic Edward though to jump to that conclusion. He was so naïve. I barely knew Riley so I couldn't even like him if I tried. Plus, I wasn't fucking looking for a date. I could only guess why my interactions with Riley had held any interest for Edward but I wondered if maybe he'd been jealous.

"Uh...he's...okay, I guess." I answered.

"Are you going to stay long?"

I would stay if Edward wanted me to but it seemed he had Kate to lean on so it was pointless for me to stick around. I had talked to Rosalie and there really was no place for me here. But there was this nagging feeling that I had to talk to Edward before I took off. I had to know what was going on with him.

"I don't know. Maybe later."

"Okay, well…I have to go…Ben is here to talk."

Ben was there? That seemed like something positive.

"Oh, that's…good news…right?"

Angela remained silent for a few seconds before she spoke. "We have some stuff to work through but he's not running…yet."

"Look, Ang, I'm so sorry…I never wanted…"

"Bella, stop. I'm not going to pretend I'm not mad at you for having such a big mouth. I don't want to deal with your apology now," she said brusquely as she cut me off.

"Okay, I just…" I tried

Angela interrupted me again. "Look, I have to go. Bye"

"Okay, bye."

I closed my phone and looked around. I was in some hallway but had no idea where, so I started looking for a sign that would direct me back to the waiting area. Walking one way led to an emergency exit which was locked. On the other side I found two more hallways. I walked down one of them which led to two large doors that seemed to be opening to a larger space.

I opened one of the doors and found a small chapel inside; the kind you saw in movies when people were sitting in a pew, praying for someone to recover. The interior was simple, with small wooden benches and a large wooden cross on the wall.

Although I hated churches and chapels and anything resembling religion, my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside. By the door, there was one of those money boxes which I found a little weird because it would be so fucking easy to steal that away.

I walked to the front where I found a small alter with some candles burning. It surprised me that the candles were not real but those LED candles; the ones working on batteries.

I snorted a little at the idea of that. How would god feel about that? Wasn't that cheating?

"Ironic, isn't it?" A voice sounded from behind me.

Carlisle Cullen.

I didn't turn but heard his footsteps come closer until he stood next to me.

He took one of the small candles from a box and checked it before flipping the tiny switch and placing it on the altar. He closed his eyes and murmured a quiet prayer before turning to sit on the front pew.

He padded the spot next to him, gesturing me to sit, which I did with hesitance.

"Technology has taken over. Since this space is unsupervised most of the time and the hospital is bound by certain safety laws, we have to use these fabrications of light now. Ah well, it's the thought that counts."

I nodded politely, not sure what to say.

"Have you ever lit one? A candle? For someone you love. Or to say a prayer?"

I had. My mind flashed to a different time and a different church.

Grander, flashier. A gothic chapel with those colored glass windows. Rows and rows of pews, marble floors and lots of statues.

I was just fourteen. I wanted to burn a candle because I loved the way the light flickered and shone on the colored windows and danced on the stone walls.

One day after mass I'd sneaked out to the altar and had managed to light one of the candles.

I'd only enjoyed the light of the flame for a minute because then _he_ had found me.

And _he_ had forbidden me to go near the candles. I wasn't at the church to look at the windows or the candles.

I was there to be punished.

And punished I'd been.

I'd never touched a candle again after that.

"I know about the candles," I muttered to Edward's father before rising and walking away.

I couldn't stay a minute longer, so I went outside. Of course, he followed me.

"Forgive me, I didn't mean to sound patronizing."

"Never mind," I shrugged.

"Rosalie said you visited her. That was very nice of you."

I wanted to laugh at this guy's assumptions. He must really believe I was a horrible person without manners. Maybe that's what Edward thought too. I mean, I wasn't sophisticated about it like Kate but I wasn't a monster.

"She must feel terrible. I don't think any of us can imagine what she is going through."

Doctor Cullen nodded. "Rosalie and Emmett were looking forward to this very much. It's a tragedy that they must suffer this loss."

"Rosalie is strong though," I pointed out.

He nodded again. "That she is."

Unbeknownst to me, Doctor Cullen had led us to the cafeteria where he was greeted by the cashier.

"Can I offer you some coffee?" he asked politely.

I wasn't sure if he hoped for me to refuse but I decided to take him up on it. "Sure, black please."

"Why don't you find us a seat," he suggested before he walked away to get our coffee.

I found a seat in the back and sat down. The irony of having coffee with Edward's dad when his son actually seemed to be ignoring me wasn't lost on me, but I felt like I had little choice. Maybe this was my chance to prove myself. Doctor Cullen already thought the worst of me so it could only get better.

Doctor Cullen came back with two cups of coffee. I looked at the cups in surprise because they were real cups, not those plastic ones you found at coffee machines.

He must've noticed because he smiled. "The real cups give a sense of comfort. It can make a difference to people because it feels a bit more homely perhaps."

I shrugged, not sure how to respond to that.

"So, Bella, tell me. How have you been?"

It was a simple and polite question. A perfectly normal question. And yet, when Carlisle Cullen asked, it was almost as if it was a fucking trick. Like there were only wrong answers.

"I'm alright," I answered truthfully.

"How's the Redemption Program treating you? Edward told me you found a job."

Ah, yes. The job. I was starting in two days and it could only be a disaster. The idea of getting instructions from Tits was a thought I shoved away into a place of my mind I didn't have to revisit until Monday.

"Yes, at a diner…as a waitress," I answered. "I start on Monday."

"Well, that's good news. You must be happy about that."

"Sure."

"I can see you are a remarkable person, Bella."

I looked up from my coffee cup and stopped my fingers from tracing the rim.

He…paid me a compliment?

"I...uh…"

"But I have to admit, I'm not sure if you are a good influence on my son."

Okay, not a compliment.

I was at a loss for fucking words. Naturally, a defense mechanism deep inside me wanted to argue with him but that would only make me look worse. And that's what he probably wanted.

"I see," was all I managed to whisper.

"Make no mistake, I understand he wants to help you and I am certain you are doing your utmost best to turn your life around.

"But I worry about Edward. You know, all his life he's had an idea of what he wanted. As a younger child he wanted to be a doctor. He had this old white blouse of Esme's that he wore – it was his doctor coat. He even made me bring home a badge from the hospital so he could be 'Doctor Cullen'. And he had one of those medical play sets. He played with it for hours."

Edward's father smiled at the memory and I couldn't help but smile too. I pictured Edward in an oversized, white female blouse, wearing one of those plastic stethoscopes.

"But then that horrible accident happened." Doctor Cullen frowned. "Edward lost his innocence that day."

I found that particular comment to be ironic because in my opinion Edward hadn't lost his innocence at all. Far from it, actually.

"I'm not sure if that's true," I said. "In many ways, Edward's very innocent still."

Doctor Cullen nodded. "I suppose from an outside perspective it might seem that way."

"But?"

"Edward and Jacob were best friends. Always together, joined to the hip. They acted more like brothers than Emmett and Edward ever have."

"Maybe they were more alike."

"Oh, they absolutely were."

"Edward must miss him."

"He doesn't speak of him much anymore but I suppose he does. He had nightmares about the accident for years, but he always refused help; talking to someone. He got through it by believing in God. His faith is what made him the man he is today."

I nodded. "Edward is a great guy."

I meant it, although I didn't believe his faith was his best attribute. I was more convinced that faith was killing all his good qualities by convincing him that serving the church and weak people who believed god made everything better if only they begged long enough and promised to read the bible or whatever.

"I'm no fool, Bella. I know my son cares for you and that you care for him, and I respect that on both sides."

I did care for Edward and judging from what he'd seemed to want to tell me before Kate had interrupted us; he might care for me too.

"You know, you're the first girl he's ever brought home. He's never had this much interaction with a girl before, well not on this level at least…

… and now there is Kate apparently, who is this lovely woman who would be far better…"

He didn't finish the sentence but I knew what he was getting at. Kate was much better for Edward, should he ever consider pursuing a girl.

Of course, Doctor Cullen – or rather _Deacon_ Cullen - would never want that for the son who could achieve the fucking dream he had given up himself.

"Far better than the whore. I get it," I muttered.

"I don't mean to offend you but I feel like you have quite the influence on my son; on the decisions he makes. He's changed since he met you."

"And that's a bad thing."

I didn't pose it as a question because I knew the answer.

"It's different from what he's always wanted. He wants to be a priest, Bella."

"If that's what he wants, that's what he'll do." I shrugged. "I don't see what my influence could be. Whatever Edward decides to do with his future, is up to him. Not me."

"I care for my son, Bella. I care for his future."

I was getting fucking tired of this. If I didn't know better it would appear Doctor Deacon Cullen was accusing me of something.

"Edward is my friend, I care for him too."

"If that's so, then perhaps you should consider something."

"Consider what?"

"Consider releasing him from his responsibilities."

I went back to the waiting area, pissed off and eager to find Edward and tell him that I was going home and he could shove whatever he had wanted to tell me before Kate had cock-blocked us up his ass. Or something. After the talk with his dad, I was livid. Doctor Deacon Cullen was such a pretentious ass.

"Releasing him from his responsibilities," my ass. That decision should be made by Edward. And at any rate, he'd probably take that route soon enough if his current behavior was any indicator.

Of course, striding off to the waiting area became entirely pointless because when I got there the waiting room was empty, except for an older looking guy sitting in one of the chairs. He didn't pay attention to me at first but when I bumped my hip against one of the chairs, he was forced to look up and acknowledge me.

When he did, I noticed the white collar immediately.

He was a priest.

Just my fucking luck.

I was determined to turn and walk away instantly but his voice stopped me from doing that.

"Isabella?"

The voice made me shiver. Not because it was unpleasant but because it belonged to the type of authority I preferred to fucking shun.

I turned reluctantly, every step heavy and very much unwanted.

"Yes?"

The man had thick, grey hair with a matching beard. His eyes were between blue and grey and the smile he wore seemed sincere.

I just couldn't get past the black shirt, pants and the contrast of the white collar around his neck. And every fucking thing it represented.

It sent shivers down my spine.

"Who are you?" I asked, my chin held high in defiance.

"Forgive me; it would appear I'm being rude. I'm Bob Masen. Father Bob Masen."

Father Masen – the name rang a vague bell but I couldn't remember where I'd heard it.

"And how do you know who I am?"

"Edward has mentioned you," the man smiled. While it sort of made sense Edward would know a priest, I wasn't very happy with the idea this guy knew about me. "And I spoke to Emmett just now who said you were around before. When I saw you looking around, I assumed you had to be Isabella."

His explanation was reasonable but not fucking reassuring. "How did you know what I looked like?"

"Many people have spoken of you, Isabella. You're quite…infamous, I must say."

The tone in his voice was bordering on sarcastic and I fucking hated the way he spoke with such disdain. Like he was fucking perfect. Plus, that white collar was fucking mocking me. The priest and the whore. I frowned at the thought.

"Well, by all means believe everything you've heard," I muttered.

Father Masen looked surprised at that but didn't offer any comeback. Instead he started rambling about Edward.

"You know, Edward is a fine young man. Always has been. He's always been very focused; goal oriented. He would never allow himself to be led astray. By nothing.

"By _no one_," he added sternly.

I snorted and looked him over. This man, who stood for everything I hated, was so worried I would change his precious Edward. Just like Doctor Deacon Cullen. Both of them so desperate to protect the future of the Golden Boy because they could mold him into whatever they wanted.

"You and Doctor Deacon Cullen seem convinced that Edward is incapable of making his own decisions. Or maybe that's exactly what you want," I pointed out before turning to walk away.

"Isabella?"

I really hated that fucking name. And I hated it even more that it was being used by a priest.

I took a deep breath and turned.

"What?" I snapped.

"I take it you came here looking for Edward?"

"I just wanted to tell him I was heading off."

"I see. Well, I'm afraid you just missed him. He left with Kate about ten minutes ago."

He left with Kate. He left with perfect Kate.

Of course. If Edward was ever going to break the insane promise he wanted to make to the big guy, it would be with her.

Definitely not with me.

I mean, not that I cared. He was free to do what the fuck ever.

I turned without offering a goodbye of any kind to Father Masen. I'd overstayed my fucking welcome here and wanted to get home.

Outside, I realized I had no transportation, which meant I had to take the bus in order to get home. Luckily, finding a bus stop was easy; there was one right across the street. And there was even a bus arriving in ten minutes that would take me as far as a few blocks from my apartment.

The crappy part was that I didn't have a ticket, which meant I had to buy one from the driver and that was way more expensive than getting a pre-purchased ticket.

A quick calculation told me that dinner was going to be tricky for a few days. Soup and bread. Canned beans. I hated fucking beans. But goddamn benefits left me with little choice but to be cost conscious about my expenses.

On the ride home I thought about Edward and how the day had started out great but turned so damn sour by the end of it.

I couldn't help but fucking wonder what would have happened if Kate hadn't come between us.

_Us._ Maybe I was being insane but I could have sworn that Edward had intended to tell me that he had feelings for me – whatever those feelings might be I didn't know, but it was definitely something beyond buddies and maybe even beyond friends– and in that moment, while I was picking fucking cherries from his hair and wiping whipped cream from his face, it had made perfect sense that he leaned in and touched me, even if that kind of stuff normally freaked me out.

It had felt _right._

_I think I've figured it out, _his velvet voice had whispered.

And then…insert cock-blocker.

Ugh, fucking Kate. If she hadn't shown up, he would have told me. And then it would've been me comforting him at the hospital.

Instead, I was stuck with the opposite; Edward had barely paid me any attention since we'd left the carnival.

He hadn't even bothered to say goodbye to me before he'd left.

He'd even fucking allowed for me to be exposed to the presence of a fucking priest.

Knowing it was stupid, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Edward's number, determined for him to give me some answers. He'd pulled this ignoring shit before and I hated it. So if the religious guy whose name I didn't recall wouldn't come to the mountain, the mountain would rumble and ask him why the fuck religious guy wasn't coming to the mountain. Or whatever.

I really wasn't sure if I expected him to pick up but fuck me if I was going to let Kate take advantage of a possible breakthrough I had inspired. This wasn't about me and Edward being more than friends – the idea of that kind of freaked me out anyway – but maybe I did make him feel things that could change his mind about his future and if that was the case it was worth it to find out what he had meant to tell me and why he was acting like such a douche now.

After four rings I was ready to hang up when suddenly Edward's voice sounded in my ear.

"Bella?"

He sounded surprised.

"Edward, hey," I said. "How are you?"

"Uh…fine. I'm fine. Where are you?" he asked.

"On my way home," I told him.

"Home?"

"Yes, I stayed at the hospital for a while," I explained.

"Hmm."

He sounded impatient.

"Edward, what is it?" I muttered as I pushed back growing annoyance at the fact he didn't seem very willing to talk to me.

"Nothing, I'd just assumed you had left already. You stayed at the hospital all this time?"

Again with the surprise. If he had paid fucking attention he would have known.

"Yes, I visited Rosalie and then I uh…I ran into your dad and he bought me coffee."

Edward remained silent for a few seconds before he released an audible breath.

"I hope he was nice to you," he murmured.

"More or less," I told him.

"What did he do?" Edward's voice sounded genuinely concerned and for a moment the guy from this morning was back.

"It's nothing. Nothing happened. Don't worry about it."

"O…kay," Edward said. "That doesn't sound very reassuring."

"It's okay, really," I said. "Look, I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"Like I said, I'm fine."

Monotone dejected Edward was back.

"Yeah, because you know, we didn't get a chance to talk at the hospital and I didn't want you to think I don't care for you. I mean, we're friends and all and after what happened at the carnival…you said you figured it out and I don't know what that means and really..." I started rambling, hoping it would get him to loosen up and talk to me.

So much for telling him to go to hell or whatever.

"Bella," Edward interrupted me. "I hate to cut this short and all but I have got to go. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay…"

"Bye."

He never waited for my goodbye. All I got was an eerie silence.

* * *

I spent most of Sunday hanging around my apartment, for a lack of anything better to do. It was raining and I really didn't feel like going outside, plus I didn't have a lot of money, so it wasn't like I could go shopping.

Late afternoon, I stopped by Angela's apartment but she was out. I hoped she was with Ben because that would mean they were trying to work things out. I knew that I had to apologize to Ben myself and probably even be fucking nicer to him, especially if I wanted to make amends with Angela.

On my way back to my apartment I decided to find out if I had any new mail –I hadn't checked since Thursday because I didn't receive a lot of mail - so I went downstairs to check my mailbox.

Once there, it turned out that I did have some mail – shocker – and I grabbed it from the box before heading back upstairs.

On the second floor, I ran into Paul, Sam and the Russian tramps Irina and Tanya. As neighbors I'd never had to deal with them as much as Jessica and Mike therefore they annoyed me marginally less but the feeling was ultimately the same. They all annoyed me.

At least I was lucky enough to escape that fucker Tyler because him and his drugged up brain were too exhausting to deal with. Most of the time the guy could barely tell his head and ass apart.

"Bella!" Sam cheered and he came over to me to put an arm around my shoulder, one I instantly shrugged off.

His breath smelled of fucking liquor and his sloppy movements proved that.

"Get lost Sam," I muttered before I tried to make it up the stairs.

"Oh, come on Bella," Irina whined in her thick Russian accent. "You should party with us. We are fun to party with."

She sounded high and her nasal voice was annoying me. Her pupils were dilated and I wondered if she and her sister had ever spent a day sober.

Probably not.

"No thanks," I mumbled before trying to make a second escape.

"Oh, Bella, always so stubborn," Paul chuckled.

"Oh, Paul, always so intoxicated," I shot back.

"You know, we miss you…Pioneer is not the same without you," Tanya said and shockingly, I believed her. Despite her boozed and coked up state, she probably meant it.

I rolled my eyes and really made an effort to go upstairs this time when Sam snatched my mail and started reading it.

"City Employment Seattle," he read aloud, stumbling over the words. "Wow, are you in trouble?" He giggled.

"That's about work, stupid," Paul explained to him by slapping him on the back of the head. "Something you never do."

At least Paul was aware of that much.

"Just give it back asshole," I muttered, grabbing my mail from Sam.

Leaving them to mess around behind me, I dashed up the stairs, which wasn't very easy because my hip was still feeling sore from…the great ass fucking of 2010.

I tried not to think about that too often because it would only drive me insane. Pushing it away with the complete pile of crap I had already stacked up deep inside me was much easier.

I started going through the mail as soon as I was inside my apartment, opening the one from the city of Seattle first. It was information about the special benefits I received because I was in the Redemption Program. It was only a small amount of money that covered basic needs like living costs and food and it would last until I'd get my first real pay-check; which would be in a few weeks, since the diner paid monthly, not weekly.

I was relieved in a way because I barely made ends meet with the money I got. I was thankful to have some type of income that didn't involve getting on my knees anymore but the knowledge that giving blowjobs and getting fucked seemed easier than struggling in a program that I didn't completely believe in, bugged me. Changing my life was costing me more than it was gaining me.

And financially my upcoming waitressing job at the diner was somewhere in between whoring and being on benefits. . I didn't want to complain, because I knew I was lucky – after all I wasn't doing as badly as some of the idiots living in this dump – but it was easy to get discouraged when life before seemed so much easier. The envy I'd felt when Angela had gone to Pioneer while I was stuck at home had gotten less over the weeks but there was still a part of me that wanted to go back to my old life. At least then I'd had some form of control. Nowadays I constantly had to surrender to new experiences which permanently put me on edge. And a tight financial situation didn't help with relieving that tension.

I spent the rest of the day sulking and watching the Discovery Channel, waiting for Edward to call me.

Unsurprisingly, he never did.

* * *

"Let me show you the kitchen."

I flashed the sincerest smile I could muster as I followed Tit…Nessie into the large kitchen.

Oh fuck it, she was Tits to me. I just couldn't call her Nessie.

"Okay, so this is the kitchen. Gary and Chuck are our cooks," – two greasy looking guys waved at me and I had no idea who was Gary and who was Chuck - "and we place our orders here and they'll ring the bell when an order is ready."

"Now, the morning rush is between 10:00 AM and 12:00 PM and then we have the lunch crowd between 1:00-3:00 PM."

"I see," I muttered, trying my best to listen but I had a hard time keeping myself from staring at Tits and her two fake attributes. How did she keep them at bay in that tiny piece of fabric?

Plus, I was grumpier than usual because Edward hadn't called me last night and there was no message from him this morning either. At least Angela – while still pissed – had stopped by to wish me good luck. She hadn't mentioned Ben and I hadn't asked her because I didn't want to push her. Before I'd headed off, Angela had agreed to come over sometime this week to talk about everything.

Also, what didn't help with my mood was the fact that I was tired and it took me a lot of self control to push back the constant streams of yawns. I may be bored but it wouldn't be right to show it. And I really was tired.

I had hardly slept the night before because I'd been nervous about today, but also because I'd rolled from one nightmare into the other. In one, Edward had been nailed to a cross – I'd had that one before – and in another, Father Masen had pushed me against a wall, whilst breathing in my ear, telling me that I'd "been a very bad girl" before ripping away my panties and…you get the picture.

Not the stuff dreams were made of.

"Bella?"

Tits gave me a questioning look. "Did you hear anything I just said?"

I looked around and found that we were back in the dining area and that Tits was showing me how to work the coffee machine.

"Uhm..."

Tits let out a big sigh and started over. "Pay some attention, please."

"Sure, whatever you say, Ti...Nessie." I muttered.

The rest of the morning was spent slaving around. After Tits had showed me the ropes, I was ready to do some work. Since I wasn't ready to start taking orders, I had to bus tables instead.

I fucking hated it the moment I started. While Tits paraded around in her tiny skirt, flashed her fake smile to everyone walking in the door and gave extra attention to the ones who basically had their cocks on display because she flashed them her assets just a bit too eagerly in that thing she called a t-shirt, I was stuck wearing those big rubber gloves to clear the empty tables. The types of gloves I didn't like handling any more than the ones I'd once shoved around cocks.

I was relieved when I got a break until one of the cooks...Larry...no…Gary came to sit with me. Uninvited, mind you.

"You look familiar," he shared as he started digging into his sandwich. That was not a pretty sight because the ketchup on his burger spilled on his chin and down his grease stained shirt.

I shrugged. "You don't."

"I think I've seen you somewhere before."

I didn't answer as I focused on the salad that was in front of me. At least lunch was free, that would spare me some cash.

"What'd ya previously do?" Gary asked. "Maybe we've met at your old job."

"I doubt that, I've been unemployed for a while," I told him.

"Bummer, happened to a buddy of mine. He ended up going to jail for stealing stuff from a store."

"Bummer indeed," I nodded, trying to stay polite.

"Still, I swear I have seen you before. You go out a lot? Downtown? Because I think I've seen you there?" Gary winked.

Was he trying to tell me something? Did I even want to fucking know if he did? Fuck, I hadn't ever fucked Gary, had I?

I snorted, finding that very fucking unlikely. It was one thing to work with this grease bag now - seriously his hair was too long and looked like he put grease in it and he was wearing glasses that could use a good cleaning as well. Plus don't even get me started on his clothes- but I would have never ever been desperate enough to fuck him.

I definitely had higher standards than that. You know, as far as a whore could have standards.

"I have never seen you anywhere," I said truthfully because I really couldn't remember him. Gary narrowed his eyes for a moment but then shrugged and went back to eating.

I poked at my salad a little until I decided to go outside to get some air. I only had fifteen minutes left and I couldn't fucking bear to listen to more sob unemployment stories from Gary or have him sniff around me like he knew me.

Luckily, he was still eating and made no attempt to follow me outside.

Unfortunately, Tits was outside, smoking. Once she spotted me she flashed me a cool smile before offering me a cigarette. I told her no.

"Those things will kill you, or at least that's what they say."

Tits shrugged. "Yeah well, when you've spent the entire morning trying to teach someone something and they are barely able to even pretend to give a crap about or feign attention, you need a few drags to calm you."

"I give a crap," I told her, insulted that she spoke of me that way. And it wasn't a lie. I did care about having a job and doing it well, even if the job itself was crap.

"Really? Because I don't get the impression that you do. And it's fucking ironic because from what I heard you need this job. What I've seen from you all morning is a scowl on your face and a lot of eye rolls and curses that you think no one will hear. Well, trust me sweetheart, you may look tough but you ain't all that."

For a moment I was too stunned to speak but then the bitch in me roared and begged me to give Tits a mental bitch slap. And a real one, if necessary.

"Look, here plastic Barbie, you have no fucking idea what tough means. Given the fact that almost 90% of you is fake, I doubt you've ever had to work harder than to fake your too white smile or flash your tits at anyone. So don't start any crap. I'm here to do a job and given the fact it's my first day, you might want to cut me some fucking slack."

But she was never going to do that. Instead she walked towards me and flashed me the type of smile that showed she was up to little good.

"_Flash my tits_? Funny. I hear that that's your territory. Now tell me, how is Pioneer these days? Gary tells me your friend Jessica is quite a pro. Are you just as good?"

She knew. Of course Tits knew. She probably had a radar for these types of things; zooming in on the train wrecks around her. And Gary. Fucking asshole! I had not fucked him - thank fuck - but Jessica surely had. He must have seen me around Pioneer.

Fuck.

"Don't," I warned her, trying to keep my cool. "You have no idea what you are talking about."

Tits shrugged. "Look, I don't care. Just let it be clear that you answer to me. That's what Embry wants. If I get any impression that you're slacking, bitching, moaning or whatever, I will tell him about your past career."

The bitch was blackmailing me. Well, sort of. I wasn't sure if Edward had told Mr. Call about my previous 'self-employment' or if he had simply told Mr. Call he'd get a bag of money if he hired me without going into too much detail, but the last thing I needed was my past following me around everywhere. I needed this job and I needed something that would give a judge the impression I was trying. Embry Call would probably fire my ass if I was associated with trouble in any way. Tits knew this too. One slip; one mistake and I'd be out.

"You don't fucking scare me, Tits," I said icily. "I'll do as you say; I'll behave. Not for you or whatever threat you think you can make. But for me. So fuck off and tell me what I'm going to be doing this afternoon."

* * *

I got home, exhausted. Pissed. Frustrated. Pick your emotion.

Tits had ridden me all afternoon and not the kind I could easily handle. In fact, she and Gary decided that the best way to annoy me was to play games of innuendo about my days as a whore. Gary had asked me if I was willing to give a co-worker a discount and repeatedly pointed out I was an expert in suction. Tits would laugh and then force me to clean the kitchen ventilators, which meant I had to stand on a chair, giving Gary and Chuck perfect visual access of the gateway to my fun zone.

This had led to more innuendo. By the end of the day I was fucking fed up.

Bella Swan. Trainwreck. I kept thinking about Rosalie and how she dealt with tragedy. Getting bullied in the workplace was definitely not up there with losing a child, but I had no idea where I would find the strength to go back tomorrow and go through it all over again. Even if they were just having fun, Bella Swan was someone you usually didn't fucking mess with. I wasn't feeling so tough now and Tits knew that.

It was too much and I just wanted to spend the rest of the night doing nothing. But of course, because the universe enjoyed pushing a wreck like me even further to the edge, there was a knock on the door that kept me from doing just that.

Still in my work outfit, I opened the door, only to find Mike there.

"Heya, Bells," he slurred.

Drunk Mike, apparently.

He was going to be the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that had been my day.

"Mike," I said curtly. "What can I do for you?"

Mike chuckled as he stumbled to keep himself upright. "Wrong question. It should be; what can you do me for." He giggled.

"Yeah, nice try," I said. "I'm not going to fuck you."

"Too bad. Still, given the fact you are responsible for my business going down, I think it's time you start paying me back," Mike said darkly.

I rolled my eyes. Although I had never given Mike my so called 'formal resignation' there was no way he hadn't noticed that I was no longer doing his dirty work.

"Have you ever tried to go out there yourself?" I asked. "Try and make your own money?"

"Bella, you owe me. I still let you live here, after what you did to Jess. I haven't been unreasonable about the fact you haven't worked for weeks."

"I pay you rent, dumbass," I muttered. "And I don't owe you anything."

"Paul said something about you getting a job or whatever. You know, given the fact Jess is gone and Angela isn't working tonight, I bet you could make a lot of cash. Way more than what a city-paid job is offering you. That's a tip compared to what your glorious body can earn you."

I did have a pretty banging body.

"Go home, Mike."

"Oh come on, Bella. You know you want to. You are an independent woman. You control what goes on; you don't let others control you."

I sighed. He had a point. But that was old me. New me was better than offering my body and sex to be in control. "Look, just go. I can't leave because I am waiting for a phone call."

A phone call that would never come.

"One night, Bella. Come on," Mike pushed. "People at Cowgirls miss you."

I fucking bet they did. Especially the ass fucking crowd.

"I can't," I said. "It's not safe," I pointed out unwillingly because I didn't want to talk to Mike about what'd happened the last time I was at Cowgirls.

"Right, I heard about what happened with Laurent. I swear the guy hasn't been at Cowgirls in weeks."

"I don't care about that. I just don't want to do it anymore."

"But Bella," Mike whined, "You're my star. With Angela and Jessica out, tonight could be your comeback. Bella Swan. Rise of the fucking Phoenix. You shouldn't be sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring. You deserve to have men begging for you. And baby...beg is what they'll do."

My resolve wavered as I thought about the crappy job I had fulfilled all day for the amount of money I could make in a night or -if I made my best effort – one good fuck.

It was so tempting and Mike sensed this because he started fucking pouting and shit. "Come on, Bella. You know you want to."

He was right. I did. I closed my eyes for a second and let all the things that had happened in the past few days pass. Edward's unfinished confession. Rosalie's miscarriage. Doctor Deacon Cullen's worry and his request to let Edward go. Father Masen and how he had pointed out Edward had left with Kate. How both men had outlined why I was the wrong company for Edward to keep. How obvious it was that someone like Kate was so much better than me. The new job that was fucking horrible.

And what bothered me most of all was Edward and his sudden turnaround at the carnival and after. After two days of basically being ignored, I had no answers from him.

It was all too much and the answer Mike provided me - ironically - was too simple. On the streets I was Bella Swan. Queen. People didn't mess with me. Laurent had tried to fucking break me but this was my chance to prove to everyone that he hadn't. I wasn't like Rosalie. I wasn't strong like her. I didn't have faith.

I was fucking street smart, there lay my strength.

"Okay...on one condition," I said coolly.

"What's that?" Mike smirked.

"Whatever I make tonight is mine. You don't get a fucking dime."

I threw the door in Mike's face before he could agree.

* * *

My fuck-me heels hurt my legs and it was getting too cold to wear a skirt this short. Plus, the trench coat was half open and my tits were freezing and with the thong I was wearing my pussy was freezing too. But I didn't give a fuck. I was the fucking queen reclaiming her rightful position.

I wasn't Bella Swan, the pathetic loser who needed two therapy groups and a buddy who didn't give a shit.

I was tired of having to depend on people who would only let me down. That would end tonight.

Standing outside of Cowgirls I decided that before I cut all ties, I would give Edward a piece of my mind. I dialed his number and waited but after a few rings his phone went to voicemail, which actually gave me the perfect opportunity to spill my guts without him interrupting or making excuses.

"Edward, hi. Remember me. Bella. Your buddy. Well, this buddy started a fucking new job today, one _you_ set up with all your meddling and well, silly me but I expected a little encouragement from my buddy today. Especially after you promised to call me yesterday but never did. So you know what; you can go fuck yourself.

"…And I really hope you do because whatever fucking excuse you're hiding behind now; whatever the reason you're ignoring me, whether it's religion, your dad or that creepy priest that was hovering around the hospital, I hope it can be dissolved with a good lay. Maybe Kate is available. Oh, and FYI...when you said you figured it out, I never got a chance to tell you, I did too. I've figured out that you and I are never going to work…"

I took one deep breath.

"So we're done."

* * *

**A/N: I'll stand over here, where you can throw pies in my face. I almost called this chapter "Jumping the shark" because I effectively ruined much of what's been build so far. Still, hopefully Edward's POV will explain more next chapter. (I can spoil this: he'll pull a "Bella") As for Rosalie and the miscarriage - it's not done out of cruelty or shock value. It's to show that people deal with tragedy in different ways and how they rely (or not) on their faith in times of distress. And I wanted a Rose/Bella bonding moment. Plus****, I can spoil this much...Rosalie and Emmett will have their little Shaquille at some point.**

**Little creative freedom with Bella's benefits. It's not unemployment benefits, because she never had a registered "real" job. So I created the special benefits because she's in the Redemption Program. I changed any mentions of benefits in previous chapters to fit this scenario.**

**Doctor Deacon (Cullen) will be Bella's nickname for Carlisle from now on. **

**Kudos:**

**Bring on the Wonder is nominated for 2 Avant Garde Awards! Must Read and Best Edward. 1st round voting starts May 22. ****Details: http:/www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com/rules-dates**

**As always to everyone who so loyally reviews, to the people who started this story and reviewed every chapter and to all the people who read and enjo ythis story. Thank you. Your words of encouragement mean the world to me!**

**And yes, every writer loves reviews. :)**

**Extra shout out to Parama, my friend and BETA, who had to find an internet cafe to work her grammar-magic which is why this chapter is out now. Thank you! :)**


	25. Room 13

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 24: ROOM 13**

_I think I've figured it out._

The words played on a loop in my mind. Over and over.

_I think I've figured it out._

Bella's chocolate eyes haunted me with the way they had stared into mine. Deep molten chocolate that had tempted me to tell her that there were feelings.

Feelings yes. In that moment, when I'd been covered in the residue of stale piecrust, whipped cream going bad fast and cherries that were stuck in my hair, there had been feelings. I had felt the touch of her hair on my skin and the heat that radiated off her body because she was standing so close to me. Our closeness had captivated me. The realization I had wanted to be in Riley's place had overwhelmed me and for a few, tiny moments it had made perfect sense that I'd wanted to share my feelings with Bella.

_I think I've figured it out._

For a few moments our spheres – normally so far apart – had been one and the same.

And then reality had set in.

First in the form of Kate who had interrupted us with her greeting, leaving the explanation of my 'aha' moment hanging in the silence that had formed between Bella and I because we were no longer alone.

And then, as I'd pondered on what had just transpired between us, wondering if it was divine intervention that had stopped me while Kate had engaged Bella in small talk, Emmett had dropped the bombshell that had driven all of us to this waiting area.

Rosalie had lost the baby.

* * *

"Is there anything else you need?"

Kate held a cup of water in front of me and smiled gently, nudging me to take it. I didn't feel particularly thirsty but appreciated the gesture and so I took a sip to appease Kate.

"Thank you. There's nothing else."

There wasn't anything Kate could offer me; no water or kindness that could erase what had transpired in the past few hours. I wished time could turn back and take Rosalie's suffering away, as simpleminded as that might be. I wished that I hadn't been so selfish and blind to my own shortcomings and that I had immediately seen Bella for the forbidden fruit that she was. I didn't blame Bella at all, but from that first night where I'd seen her outside the community center the seed of feelings had been planted and they never should've been allowed to blossom the way they had.

But wishes were meaningless and wouldn't help anyone. And God had spoken loud and clear; I'd gone too far and I had failed Him. I'd been so focused on Bella, so enamored with the idea of her being a – _my_ – fallen angel that I'd forsaken my faith. I had ignored my calling and now God had shown that while he was a merciful God, he did demand complete focus.

Divine Intervention; He had send one of his other followers, Kate, to guide me back to the right path. And His message had been strengthened by Emmett and Rosalie's loss. Now, by no means did I believe that Rosalie's heartache functioned as a punishment for me because I'd almost lost my way and needed something to help me find my way back, but I did believe that this type of tragedy reminded someone of their complete faith and devotion. It was an example of how God gave but also took away. The ultimate test of faith; how to deal with loss.

I thought about this when I felt someone looking at me.

_Bella. _I didn't need to look up to know it was her. I could feel it.

It went against what I felt, but I forced myself not to look at her. She was the face of my desires, the wrath of my mistakes. I didn't blame her for tempting me because it had never been deliberate and under different circumstances it might have made sense for me to be attracted to Bella or feel a romantic kinship with her.

But circumstances weren't different; _I_ wasn't different. I still had my faith and I still wanted to become a priest. The rest, the feelings that may have grown over these past few months meant nothing. I couldn't allow them to mean anything; I couldn't allow Bella to mean anything, even if it broke me a little.

It was a small sacrifice compared to the loss of a child.

"Poor Emmett," Kate said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "He must feel terrible."

"Yes," I agreed quietly. "He was really looking forward to becoming a father."

"I'm sure they'll try again though, right?"

I shrugged because I wasn't certain if they were and when. It was none of my business.

"I suppose."

"It's nice of Bella to be here," Kate mused.

Her voice was completely sincere and yet for some reason her wording bothered me. It almost seemed like Kate felt Bella had no right to be here, which wasn't right even if Bella's presence made me feel uncomfortable after what had transpired at the carnival and the aftermath of it where I didn't know how to act around her because the whole 'figuring things out' no longer seemed important.

Still, I allowed myself one moment of self indulgence, reveling in the fact how much it meant to have Bella here even if my newfound resolve prohibited me from expressing this to her or find comfort in her support. Bella had a good heart and the fact she was here sitting with us meant more to me than I could admit to anyone. That made Kate's comment about Bella being here a little misplaced even if she was completely genuine.

"Bella is a friend of the family," I muttered. "Of course she is here."

"Oh, I wasn't aware you were that close," Kate said. "I guess I'm the odd one here then."

I shook my head and offered her a smile. I couldn't bypass the fact that God was granting me a second chance by sending Kate to stop me from confessing certain feelings to Bella. Kate's presence was a reminder of His guidance and kindness therefore she certainly deserved mine.

"No, I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry we dragged you away from the carnival though."

"That's okay," Kate said. "I'm glad to be here."

We remained silent for a minute until Kate scraped her throat to get my attention.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Now, I know it's inappropriate at a time like this but earlier at the carnival you and Bella looked pretty close."

I frowned, thinking of it.

The soft velvet touch of her hair. The way she smelled natural and sweet. Her warm breath on my face and her gentle strokes to get me clean.

_I think I've figured it out_

_Stop!_ I chided myself. _This ends now!_

"We…we're friends," I answered truthfully, though I wasn't certain how long we could remain friends. I needed time to reevaluate my feelings and put everything into perspective. And I wondered if I could stand to be near Bella without being led astray again.

"Bella helped me get clean after I got assaulted with pie." I laughed humorlessly. "That's why we were standing close."

"_Just_ friends?"

"Yes. She's the one in the Redemption Program," I explained as I watched from the corner of my eye how Bella got up and left the waiting area. I assumed she was going home and longed to go after her so I could at least say goodbye – she deserved that much for being here all this time - but Kate's next question kept me in my place.

"She's the girl that's in trouble? The reason you've been so distracted?"

I nodded, taken aback a little by the fact this seemed to surprise Kate. I had never specifically mentioned Bella but the way she reacted to finding out it was Bella who'd impacted my life so much lately seemed to affect her more than it simply being an average surprise.

"Wow, Edward," she said, offering me no other reaction but a deep frown lining her forehead and a gentle head shake.

What did that mean? Not only did Kate seem surprised, she acted downright shocked. Apprehensive.

Before I could ask what she was thinking, my mother interrupted us by saying that she would take Emmett to the cafeteria, while my father announced he had been paged and needed to check on one of his patients but would be back shortly.

As soon as they all left, I turned to Kate.

"Can I ask what you meant by 'Wow Edward'?"

Kate flashed me a sheepish smile. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean it in a bad way."

"No?"

"No. It's just…I remember what you told me during our last meeting. When you mentioned being distracted."

I nodded. Back then I had described my interactions with Bella as distractions. They were so much more now.

"See the thing is, since that meeting I haven't seen you, even though we'd agreed to meet the following week. You never showed up," Kate said.

"I emailed you about a lecture that got rescheduled," I defended myself, knowing that while that was true, I had barely worked on my dissertation in the past few weeks. There had been spare moments where I had tried to focus on trying to outline a plan of action by creating a timetable but I hadn't actively worked on it. And while there was still six months until graduation I needed to step it up if I wanted to get it finished in time and be proud of my work.

Kate smiled softly. "I know; I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just pointing out that the distraction that you spoke of back then doesn't seem to have decreased."

"In fact," she continued, "it would seem it has only intensified."

"I'm sorry; I promise that I'll stop by next week," I offered instantly. "I started working on a timetable and have some ideas we can go over…"

Kate sighed deeply as she rose to walk to the water cooler in the corner of the waiting area. She pulled a paper cup from the dispenser and filled it with water, offering me the same by holding up the cup but I shook my head, declining.

"Edward, this isn't about a string of missed meetings. You don't owe me apologies or promised meetings. If you want to stop by, by all means, my door is always open, but…

…this is about you, and…now that I've met her, Bella."

"What do you mean 'now that you've met her'?"

Kate chuckled. "Edward, Bella has obviously captivated you. Which makes sense because she is very beautiful."

"I don't...I mean she's very beautiful but….I don't look at women that way."

Kate snorted loudly. "Maybe you don't want to look at women that way but from what I saw earlier at the carnival Bella surely manages to catch your attention. And you just called her beautiful so obviously you have noticed," Kate winked.

"I uh…" I stammered, at a loss for words.

Everything Kate said was spot on. Bella's presence in my life had started out as a distraction but it went beyond that now; she occupied my mind constantly and it had started to affect my daily routine and even my future. She captivated me in ways that frightened me and I had to believe that Kate's interruption was God's way of trying to get me on the right track. I hadn't told Bella how I felt which was good because I no longer knew how to put it in words; the courage that I'd had at the carnival was gone now. In its place was the determination to go back to who I was before and make amends for all the sins I had committed. Starting by taking responsibility for my distractions and the chaos they had created inside me. It was time to be strong and let go of any silly feelings and desires that had grown in the past few months.

"You like her, don't you?" Kate deadpanned.

I did.

_That _was the problem.

* * *

"So you like Bella?" Kate grinned, sitting across from me in the waiting area. She seemed oddly encouraging for someone who was supposed to function as the divine intervention that would prevent me from acting on these feelings.

"She's very nice," I agreed innocently, knowing well enough what she truly meant.

"Edward, don't beat around the bush. You know what I mean.

"And I can see why you would like her," Kate added softly.

She could?

"You can?"

"Of course. Bella seems strong and she's very beautiful. Plus, she seems to like you as well."

Kate's words affirmed what I had sensed at the carnival. Bella's closeness, the way she had looked at me, mirroring how I'd looked at her.

"Do you think she's the forbidden fruit?" I blurted out, thinking of how many times Father Masen had warned me about that.

Kate frowned, taking another sip of water. She swallowed before she asked, "Forbidden fruit?"

"Because she's a woman and I…have my future plans. Those two don't exactly go together," I explained. "The priest and the pr….the girl," I corrected myself; Bella's past was one thing Kate didn't have to know about. "It's impossible to reconcile the two."

"Well, I guess that's one way to look at it," Kate offered.

"That's the only way," I said. "There is no other way to look at it."

Kate shook her head in disagreement. "Such a Negative Nelly."

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you look at getting close to Bella as something negative. Because you associate it with conflict."

"It is conflicting. I can't like Bella in a romantic way."

"Why not?"

I sighed in frustration, relieved that we were alone and no one got to hear how I was discussing the topic of romance with Kate.

"You know why: I want to be a priest. And priests cannot commit themselves to romance; to a woman. Therefore, any type of feelings I might have are pointless because they can and must never lead to anything."

"But they almost did….at the carnival," Kate pointed out.

"That was a mistake." I muttered, irritated by the fact that Kate was advocating my feelings for Bella whene she was supposed to be the one who'd stop me from focusing on this. There had to be someone who would remind me of my commitment to God instead of allowing me to get sidetracked. I needed it now.

"Edward."

I turned and found Father Masen standing in the entry of the waiting area.

"Father Masen," I acknowledged him, wondering how much he had heard of the conversation between Kate and me.

"I heard about Rosalie from Mrs. Cope when I visited the carnival earlier. Such terrible news," he said as he approached me and Kate.

"Hello Kate," Father Masen greeted her warmly. "I had no idea you would be here."

I was surprised Kate and Father Masen knew each other. "You have met?"

Kate nodded and flashed Father Masen a smile. "Father Masen gave my grandmother her Last Rites a few months ago and he led her funeral as well."

"I see," I said quietly. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"It's okay, she was very ill. It must have been her time."

"How are your parents?" Father Masen enquired.

"They are doing fine," Kate said. "They are planning a missionary trip to Cambodia."

I noticed how Father Masen kept looking between Kate and I while he listened to her speak and I couldn't help but wonder what it was he saw.

I supposed that to an outsider looking in, Kate would be the perfect girl for me. She was a devout Catholic and went to church a few times a week; she was smart and had a proper education. If I were ever to choose a different life, it would make sense to choose someone like Kate to spend it with.

But Kate was a friend and there was nothing there. No feelings, no desires. Just friendship. Unlike with Bella, whose beauty was more obvious than her brain – though I knew she was very smart – and while she loathed anything to do with church, I believed she had a valid reason to be skeptical even if her comments were always covered with insults and she never told me why she hated church so much.

"Edward," Kate called out to get my attention. "I'm heading off. Are you staying or do you want a ride?"

I figured Emmett was with Rosalie and my parents were somewhere around the hospital. I knew that Emmett and Rosalie needed their time together and I didn't want to interrupt that, so I accepted Kate's offer. We bid Father Masen goodbye before we headed off.

* * *

"I hope you don't feel like I overstepped any boundaries here," Kate said as she dropped me off in front of my apartment. "It's just that you've always been very committed to your faith and I don't want you to be hard on yourself because you might feel different now. Your faith doesn't have to change even if you choose something different."

I nodded, taking her words to heart. I thought about my father and how he had changed his future when he met my mother. But it hadn't diminished his faith, It seemed it had only strengthened because of that; because he had met his soul mate.

I got out and leaned in to tell Kate goodbye. "Thank you for listening to me. I'll come by next week," I promised.

"My door is open," Kate smiled before driving off.

As soon as I stepped inside my apartment I texted Emmett to see how he was doing. We were both men of few words when it came to sharing our emotions, mainly because Emmett always tried to be tough and our interests were so wide apart we didn't have a lot to talk about.

But today, I had seen him at the brink of tears at the hospital and while I'd been there physically to support him, I felt we hadn't had a chance to talk and I wanted him to know I was thinking of him.

When my phone started making a noise, I assumed it was Emmett calling me back in response to my text, but when I checked the display, it turned out to be Bella.

"Bella?" I answered.

I was surprised she would call me. I'd acted horribly before and certainly didn't deserve her attention.

"Edward, hey," Bella said. "How are you?"

She sounded normal, friendly. She didn't seem mad at all. Another surprise.

"Uh…fine. I'm fine. Where are you?" I asked, assuming she would be at home.

"On my way home," she told me.

"Home?"

I thought she'd gone home hours ago. Where had she gone? Worry gnawed at me but I didn't want her to know so I kept my voice neutral.

"Yes, I stayed at the hospital for a while," Bella explained.

"Hmm." I murmured, feeling like an idiot for leaving her there without saying goodbye. I'd been a fool to assume she'd gone home when she could have just stepped out to go to the restroom or get some air or something.

"Edward, what is it?" Bella muttered, her voice much colder now. Clearly she noticed my evasiveness and it bothered her.

"Nothing, I'd just assumed you had left already. You stayed at the hospital all this time?"

"Yes, I visited Rosalie and then I uh…I ran into your dad and he bought me coffee."

My father had bought her coffee? I wonder if he'd been pleasant with her. His track record with Bella wasn't very complimenting on his part.

"I hope he was nice to you," I murmured.

"More or less," Bella told me.

That didn't sound very promising.

"What did he do?" I demanded, my voice fierce because it angered me that my father would bother Bella when she had tried to show support by spending time at the hospital. Of course, who was I to talk? I hadn't exactly treated her right myself.

"It's nothing. Nothing happened. Don't worry about it."

"O…kay," I said. "That doesn't sound very reassuring."

"It's okay, really," Bella said. "Look, I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"Like I said, I'm fine."

I couldn't tell her how I really felt. I had to keep things neutral. I was too confused and couldn't risk the possibility of having to talk about what had happened at the carnival because I needed to figure out where we stood now.

How much things could change in a few hours.

But Bella seemed to have other plans.

"Yeah, because you know, we didn't get a chance to talk at the hospital and I didn't want you to think I don't care for you. I mean, we're friends and all and after what happened at the carnival…you said you figured it out and I don't know what that means and really..." Bella started rambling and it broke my heart that I couldn't respond to her and try to explain how I felt. Instead, I cut her off before she could go on.

"Bella," I interrupted, "I hate to cut this short and all but I have got to go. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay…"

"Bye."

I hung up before she could say goodbye, my heart burning with the guilt for the way I treated her.

Some buddy I was.

* * *

Sunday was a day spent in confusion. I'd barely slept the night before because I'd been plagued by nightmares. Nightmares of a burning Bella with my father and Father Masen pointing at her in conviction, holding up their Bibles and calling her a whore, while a bleeding Rosalie screamed that everything was my fault.

As I sat in my usual spot during Mass, I tried to block those graphic images from my mind but it was impossible.

I thought of Kate and my conversation with her and how she had tried to paint a different picture for me. She had made me consider the possibility that I hadn't considered myself.

The possibility that, much like Jacob's passing, Bella's presence in my life was a message from God as well. It wasn't like I had expected, a warning that I needed to let Bella go in order to fulfill my purpose but a different outlook where perhaps I wasn't supposed to fight whatever feelings I had but embrace them and alter my future plans because of it.

It was hard to entertain that option though. I believed Kate was the human face of a divine intervention. But the message she had delivered to me wasn't the one I had expected.

Kate wanted me to consider my feelings for Bella; really consider them. I guess it was the counselor in her that made her think that way. And unlike my father and Father Masen, who kept trying to tell me my interactions with Bella were wrong and went against everything I believed in and everything that my future was supposed to hold, Kate was encouraging me instead of telling me off.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she had seen the close encounter between Bella and I which had given her a different perspective than Father Masen and my father. She acknowledged the feelings and wanted me to do the same. Which left me even more confused than yesterday.

My mother pulled me from my reverie as she fumbled with my Bible, opening it on the right passage. "Pay attention, dear," she whispered.

Father Masen was reading a passage from Job 14:14. He was back after a lengthy period where he had spent a lot of time in New Orleans.

_"If someone dies, will they live again?_  
_All the days of my hard service_  
_I will wait for my release to come."_

"Now Job did not fear death; in fact, he felt death would be a relief from the struggles and trials of physical life. He knew that God would raise him at the appointed time. He was sure in his redemption; he trusted God to forgive, save and resurrect him. Also, he understood that his life in the Kingdom would be superior to his physical life, therefore he welcomed death."

Job welcomed death because he knew there was something better waiting for him. But I couldn't help but think about resurrection when alive. Maybe a part of my faith was dying and being resurrected with new beliefs; ones that weren't bad, nor something I had to fight. Maybe I needed to embrace it.

I couldn't help but think of that, even if it wasn't really what the original passage was about.

I avoided people after Mass and told my mother I was going to visit Emmett and Rosalie instead, because Rosalie had been released from the hospital earlier that morning and I wanted to check up on them.

My mother, who had driven herself because my father had gone to check on Rosalie before she'd been released, offered her car because Father Masen was going to have lunch at their house and could drive her. They even offered to take my bike and keep it at their home.

Thirty minutes later I was sitting in my brother's kitchen, drinking coffee at his kitchen table, trying to ignore the weeping coming from upstairs.

"She's having a tough time," Emmett explained. "She is desperate to get all the baby stuff out of the house right away."

"How are you holding up?"

Emmett let out a deep breath. "I don't know. Rosie is hurting. I mean, she carried…the baby and…well…I worry she might fall apart. Like…go crazy like you see in this horror flicks."

I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Emmett?"

Rosalie stood in the doorway, her eyes red and swollen from crying. She gave me a lackluster wave before she began rummaging through cupboards, clearly looking for something.

"Hey Rosie. I thought you were going to rest?"

Rosalie sighed deeply, turning to glare at Emmett. "No, I have to clean first. I need to get all that stuff out."

Emmett gave me a pointed look. Rosalie did seem at her breaking point, desperate to erase all the memories of their unborn baby.

"Honey, we can do that later."

"I want to do it now, okay. So I need garbage bags; where are they?" Rosalie practically shouted.

It was clear she was about to go into hysterics.

"There are some in my truck; I'll get them. Why don't you go upstairs and rest and I'll help you later," Emmett relented before he tried to gently guide Rosalie out of the kitchen.

"Fine," Rosalie huffed but before she allowed Emmett to send her back upstairs, she turned and called out to me.

"Edward, you need to be nice to Bella. She was nice to me."

"I uh….I will."

"Promise me you won't let her down."

I had no time to answer because Rosalie disappeared up the stairs but her words struck me and I couldn't help but think of the nightmares in which she had accused me of being responsible for Bella's pain.

They weren't the exact ones from my dream but they might as well have been.

And I was already breaking that promise.

Did that mean Bella was going to get burned?

On Monday morning I woke up after another night of little sleep; slumbers filled with nightmares where Bella was burned at the stake and I was declared her murderer by Rosalie, and now Kate too.

I didn't particularly believe in the concept that dreams had meaning but I had to wonder if my subconscious was telling me something.

And with the lack of sleep and more questions than answers, it was evident that something had to give.

I was aware that today was Bella's first day at the diner and the temptation to call her was there but the confusion I felt at my own feelings and how they might impact my future overpowered me and left me indecisive about everything, including calling Bella, so I kept staring at my phone until I put it away in frustration.

There were no excuses and I knew I was a horrible friend to Bella and that weighed heavily on me.

I needed time to put things into perspective. My brain was exploding with questions and confusion and my heart beat against my chest in guilt.

I needed to get away.

* * *

My bag was packed with the flyer from the Holy Spirit Center in Anchorage on top. I had called them and the lady answering the phone – her name was Jane Rayer- told me I was more than welcome to stay for a few days and she had gladly booked me a room.

The tranquility of this place was just what I needed even if it seemed I was running away from dealing with everything, including Bella. But my mind was racing a mile a minute and with all these conflicting feelings I needed a change of scenery to be able to deal with them.

I decided to take a shower before I left because I wanted to start afresh. I had to be at Sea-Tac in two hours and while the late night flight was inconvenient because it meant I had to stay at a hotel for the night, it was the last available flight to Anchorage today. I didn't want to wait another day because I felt I had to act now instead of letting another night of little sleep and possible other influences change my mind again.

After I was done with my shower, I got dressed and checked my bag one final time. I had informed my family that I was going away for a few days and that the only way to contact me would be through the reception of the Center.

I grabbed my phone with the purpose to switch it off because I wouldn't bring it along when I noticed I'd missed a call when I'd been in the shower.

My phone also showed I had one new voice message.

The missed call turned out to be from Bella and she was also the one who had left me a message.

I listened to her voice with my heart beating wildly in my chest and nerves fluttering on my stomach.

"Edward, hi. Remember me. Bella. Your buddy. Well, this buddy started a fucking new job today, one _you_ set up with all your meddling and well, silly me but I expected a little encouragement from my buddy today. Especially after you promised to call me yesterday but never did. So you know what; you can go fuck yourself.

"…And I really hope you do because whatever fucking excuse you're hiding behind now; whatever the reason you're ignoring me, whether it's religion, your dad or that creepy priest that was hovering around the hospital, I hope it can be dissolved with a good lay. Maybe Kate is available. Oh, and FYI...when you said you figured it out, I never got a chance to tell you, I did too. I've figured out that you and I are never going to work…"

I could hear one significant deep breath.

"So we're done."

Done?

What did that mean? Was Bella ending things?

_Maybe Kate is available_. Did Bella think I wanted Kate? She was completely wrong but I supposed that my behavior the past few days must have given off the impression that I preferred Kate over her. Which was a ridiculous assumption. Kate was a friend at best. Mostly she had helped me gain perspective these past few days.

_That creepy priest?_ Had Bella run into Father Masen? Why did she find him creepy? Was that just more rebellion against religious figures or was there more to it?

Trying to dissect Bella's message I wished I understood people better, that I wasn't so different and disconnected in my interactions and understanding sometimes. And I wished I had made different choices. Not just in the past few days but in the past ten years.

The impact of Kate's words hit me full force.

_Your faith doesn't have to change even if you choose something different._

Did I want to choose different? Since Saturday I'd been trying to make sense of how I felt and what I wanted, coming up with more questions than answers. That's why I planned to go to Anchorage, hoping the Holy Spirit Center would provide me with the peace and quiet I longed for so I could make some decisions.

Never had I considered that Bella would be the one making them.

_We're done_

If Bella truly wanted to end things, that was her right, even if her words burned my insides and tugged at my heart. Still, before we would cut all ties – the idea hurt far more than I could put into words - I had to make sure she would still get help.

Grabbing my phone, I was determined to talk to Bella, even if I was two days late and didn't deserve her attention. But just as I was about to dial her number, my phone started ringing.

It was an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Hey man, it's Jasper. Jasper Whitlock."

Jasper? Why would he call me this late? He had no specific connection to me except for…

Oh no…

"Sorry to call you this late but I think you should come over to my club."

Bella.

"Why?" I asked, knowing the answer.

I was practically out the door before he could tell me what I already knew.

"It's Bella."

* * *

When Emmett was a teenager he went through a phase where he wanted to rebel and act out. This meant he would hang out at bars even though he was underage, would sneak beer into his room and hang out with the wrong crowd. I think he even tried smoking for a bit until it made him so sick he realized that 'being cool' - as he had called it – came with a high price tag.

Once he had ended up in a bar that employed waitresses who wore nothing but tiny shorts and tassels to cover their breasts. I knew this because I'd overheard my father tell my mother the night he had picked up a half drunken Emmett who'd apparently been sneaking into these bars with a fake ID for months.

I didn't know how my parents got him back on the right path and how much of his redemption was my brother's own doing but ultimately he cleaned up his act. That was the last time he had pulled a stunt like this.

Standing outside of Jasper's bar 'Cowgirls' made me think of that time in my brother's life and I kind of wished Emmett was here now. He would probably handle this situation a lot better than me because he was used to this scene due to his past experiences.

I took a deep breath and walked up to the entry where a guy as big as Emmett asked for my ID. I showed it to him and was allowed inside where blaring music instantly penetrated my ears and the smell of cigarette smoke and alcohol burned my nostrils.

I was entirely out of my comfort zone but people seemed too occupied to notice an outcast like me here.

"Edward," someone called me and I turned to find Jasper waving at me.

I walked towards the bar and greeted him when I was close.

"Hi Jasper. Nice place," I shouted, trying to reach over the loud music.

Jasper chuckled. "Not really your scene, right?"

"No, sorry."

"Bella?" I asked, cutting to the chase.

Jasper sighed and pointed at an empty velour sofa in one of the corners. "She was there a minute ago...hanging all over some guy."

Oh no.

"Did she keep her…clothes…on?" I started, but the music was too loud and Jasper gestured he couldn't hear me well. He motioned for me to step behind the bar and I did. The smell of alcohol hit me even harder here.

"Look," Jasper started. "She came here about forty-five minutes ago and when I asked her what the heck she was doing, she started ranting and told me to mind my own -and I quote – 'fucking business'."

"It's my fault," I explained to him, remorse and guilt dancing a wild dance to decide which emotion got to make me feel worse.

"I see." Jasper frowned. "Care to elaborate?"

"She called me earlier and I missed the call. She left me a voicemail, basically telling me to...go...fu...you get it... myself, and that she was done."

"Classic Bella. But that doesn't explain why she seems to be back to her old ways."

"Wait, we don't know that," I argued. "I mean, her being here all over some guy may not be ideal but it doesn't mean she's..."

Jasper held up his hand. "Edward, I fell off the wagon myself a few times before I met Alice. Alice is my rock and without her I wouldn't know how to survive. I know what it's like to be tempted and without a good support system, falling back into old patterns is inevitable."

"I know," I said.

"With all due respect, I don't think you do and anyway that's beside the point," he said, his Texan accent more dominant now that he was speaking so passionately. "The point is that Bella is on the verge of snapping and it happens all the time. They start off great but then they fall back."

"You think Bella will relapse?"

"By coming here, she already did. And I don't care if it's you or something else that triggered that. I called you because you are her buddy. So do what you're supposed to do."

I looked at him, trying to make sense of it. "What can I do?"

"Stop her!" Jasper said, frustrated and he pointed at the door.

"She usually goes out back to uh...you know what."

I looked at him, blinking. He didn't actually think I could go out there and find Bella doing something I really didn't want to see her do?

"I don't know..."

"Look Edward, let's make this simple. You're the only one who will be able to stop her. The only one she'll listen to."

He gave me an encouraging nod before he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me into the direction of the backdoor, which led to the alley where Bella was most likely doing…_that_.

Every step towards the door was heavy and my mind unwelcomingly filled itself with images I wanted to repress. The idea that Bella would touch a man to provide him with any kind of sexual stimulation and release was hard for me to stomach and I forced down the bile that was pushing up in my throat.

I reached the door and opened it swiftly, realizing that any moment of doubt was a moment Bella was close to undoing every step of progress we'd made in the past few months.

There was no time for hesitation.

The hinges squeaked as I opened the door and I stepped outside, taking a moment to familiarize myself with my surroundings. There was a large garbage container to my right with a container for paper and cardboard next to it. The alley itself looked surprisingly neat, Jasper apparently followed Seattle's health codes precisely. The space was illuminated by a strong street light.

But no Bella.

To my left there was an open space that led to the street. That part of the alley was darker; there was a street light in the distance which lit up the entry of the alley a little.

But still no Bella.

I walked towards the street side because I heard voices there. Once I reached the voices, I spotted two women and one guy. The women were covered in very little; short dresses with their cleavage conveniently on display. It reminded me a little of that waitress at the diner and her tiny shirts. The guy looked casual.

The women were stumbling and giggling but stopped as soon as they spotted me.

"Well hello," one of them drawled in a thick accent. She sounded Eastern-European. "Look, Irina." She nudged the other one who almost tipped over. "We have company."

I gave both women a polite smile as I tried to pass them to get back into the club. But before I could make an exit, the girls approached me and one of them grabbed my jacket, while the other touched my hair.

"You are hot," the one not named Irina said.

"You are right, Tanya. We should let him play with us."

The girls were breathing heavily and it was hard to break free from their hold because with their towering heels and the fact that they were very much intoxicated, they were holding on to me so they wouldn't fall over.

Tanya and Irina. The harsh street light made them look quite haggard. And that wasn't me passing judgment, but their lives were reflected in their eyes; in their physique. They were probably no older than in their late twenties, early thirties. Their hair looked dry and their face was covered in smudged make up. They were wearing the type of heels Bella had worn the night she had stopped by my apartment to seduce me- I remembered them well because my memory of them was triggered easily - and their clothes were nothing more but a few scraps of fabric, literally holding on by a thread.

Realization after realization hit me as I looked at these two girls holding on to me as if I was their safety buoy.

I saw Bella and the struggle she had dealt with for years. Not only that, I also saw myself and how I'd let her down these past few days and ever since I'd stated to feel something for her.

My mind had been driven by good and bad. Good deeds and sins. Helping Bella was a good deed. Everything that came between me and the responsibility to be His loyal servant was a sin.

But seeing these girls, knowing they represented Bella's life, made me realize that the biggest sin of all wasn't one that could be repaid with Biblical penance.

I had let Bella down in the worst way possible. My ignorance and my fear of the unknown, my faith and my desires had forced Bella away from me because I had turned away from her when she had needed me the most.

I had betrayed her and that was worse than any sin I ever committed. The worst part was that _my _penance was actually _hers_ because she was the one out there somewhere, doing the thing she had tried to get away from. And instead of helping her, I had driven her back into her old life.

"Mike," the one named Tanya slurred, "can we play with this one." One hand stroked my face while the other came dangerously close to my zipper.

The guy that was with them was leaning against a lamppost, checking his phone. Upon hearing his name, Mike looked me over and shrugged. "If you want. But hurry the fuck up okay. Bella is around here and after the little stunt she pulled earlier, she and I need a word."

Bella? This guy knew Bella. Mike...I'd heard that name before and then it dawned on me.

She had mentioned him; he was her landlord slash..._pimp,_ and the two girls trying to grope me were neighbors and fellow…prostitutes.

I gently pushed one of them aside and grabbed the other one's arm to pry her off me as well.

"You know Bella?"

Mike looked up from his phone, his expression between bored and surprised. His eyes were drooping and his movements slow as he approached me. I supposed he was under the influence as well.

What kind of world did Bella live in? She dealt with these people daily so what kind of temptations did she battle every day? There were others I had seen hovering around, like that Paul guy who always seemed intoxicated.

How did Bella manage? I had completely misjudged the situation. I had guided her through a small part of her life, like therapy sessions, coffee dates and job searches. I had assumed that Angela would keep an eye on her when they were at home. But I had never seen this part; the actual crux of her existence. The streets where she sold her soul to make money; to live. But this wasn't a life.

"Who are you?" Mike wondered as he sized me up.

"I am looking for Bella," I answered, wondering if this guy was going to pummel me.

Maybe I should have brought Emmett.

"Why?"

_Why? Because I'm a lousy friend and I want to make things right. Because I want to save her from you._

I knew I had to lie though because this guy did not need to know any details. He would probably use that information against Bella anyway.

"I was supposed to meet her here," I tried to speak casually.

Mike narrowed his eyes at my answer. "You look familiar. Are you a regular?"

Regular? Regular what? Then I realized he must mean a regular customer.

I knew I had to answer quick and in my mind there were really only two options; two lies: I'd tell him yes; I was a regular or I'd tell him that I was related to Bella and there was some kind of family emergency.

"I'm her boyfriend," I told him instead. So much for being related to her. But it did get Mike's attention because he stopped looking at his phone and directed all his attention to me.

"What did you say?" he muttered.

His tone was demanding and slightly menacing. But for some reason it didn't bother me as much as before.

"I said, I'm her boyfriend," I spoke every syllable with emphasis.

Mike let out one harsh laugh. "Yeah, newsflash lover boy, Bella doesn't have a boyfriend. But nice playing. Look, if you want to fuck her, I'll be more than happy to hook you up." He smirked. "It's gonna cost ya though."

I wanted to wipe the smirk off his face. He had no right to speak about her this way.

"No need, _Mike,"_ I said icily and for a moment I was surprised I could sound this cold. "Just tell me where she might be."

Mike chuckled. "No can do. You might be a serial killer like Jack the Ripper. Maybe I feel more comfortable telling one of the presidents. Which one is on the fifty dollar bill again?"

I rolled my eyes before taking a step closer to Mike, who didn't look very impressive when I measured him to my height. He wasn't tall by any means and the fact he wasn't sober could work to my advantage.

"Where is she?" I grumbled. I stood up a little straighter to make myself look taller. "I'm not going to pay you and I'm not going to repeat myself again, Mike. Tell me where she is."

"Mike," one of the girls started whining, "I'm cold and tired. Can we go?"

"Shut the fuck up, Irina," Mike snapped. "Tanya, take your sister inside."

The girls protested but did as they were told.

"Now…lover boy, let's settle this as men, shall we?"

He stepped forward and touched my chest lightly with his finger, as if to shove me back in some sort of macho display.

"Don't do that," I warned.

"Or?" Mike grinned, clearly amused by the idea of getting into a fight with me. "Is lover boy gonna to kick my ass?"

I'd never been an aggressive person nor brawny like Emmett - who had been part of his high school wrestling team - but when I looked at that face, sweaty and smarmy, knowing he could tell me where Bella was, knowing he was the one who forced these girls out on the street and collected their money, my manners fell away.

I grabbed Mike by the collar of his shirt and pushed him back against the lamppost.

"I told you I didn't want to repeat myself, you fool!" I hissed as I tightened my grip on him.

Mike, evidently startled by my action, frowned and tried to stand up straight. "No need for violence, man…"

But apparently there was every need for violence. I was running out of time and needed to find Bella.

"Where is she?" I shouted, getting in his face again.

Feeling the adrenaline rush though me, I understood why Emmett had always gotten such a kick out of fighting with people. If you had something to defend or something to gain, you might have no other choice but to use violence.

"Look, I don't keep constant track of her but she often takes clients that want to fuck to a motel two blocks away. It's cheap and they rent by the hour, if you catch my drift."

It was confronting to hear Mike talk about Bella this way. It was one thing to watch girls like Tanya and Irina - whom I didn't know – stumbling about on the streets. It broke my heart, knowing Bella walked those same streets and did the same thing. But hearing Mike speak the word 'fuck' – I might as well get used to thinking about that – in association with Bella and the possibility she was at this motel right now to do…unspeakable things to some guy, had my adrenaline pumping even harder.

"Where is this motel?" I demanded, releasing my grip a little.

"Ten minutes away. You walk 1st Avenue up north, take a left and head down Yesler. Next to the Best Western you find an alley and on the left there's a neon sign, reading '24'. Bella usually takes room 13. If she went somewhere with a client, that's your best shot."

I released him and didn't bother with a thank you as I started walking away.

"You're welcome, asshole!" he yelled after me.

I was born and bred in Seattle and knew many places, but walking north, heading toward Yesler to find this motel, I saw things I'd never expected to see. I'd believed Bella's neighborhood was bad, but Pioneer Square's surrounding streets weren't much better. I noticed bums rummaging through garbage cans and groups of African American men who were listening to loud music while standing around large bonfires they'd created by lighting a few of the garbage cans. They paid me some attention as I hurried along. I wasn't trying to judge them but I wondered why these men were outside. It was much colder than a few days ago and while the flames obviously kept them warm, hanging around on the streets made little sense to me.

Then again, going to a cheap motel to stop Bella from having sex with a man was more urgent than trying to understand why these men were out here. And I wasn't entirely naïve. I knew people searched for likeminded company. It wasn't completely different from gathering for church, just a different setting I supposed.

Yes, I was trying to keep my mind occupied because the closer I got to the end of the street, knowing that just around the corner was Yesler Way and the Best Western that neighbored the place I was looking for, the more nervous I found myself. Particularly about what I'd find.

I didn't want to walk in on Bella and her…client… having intercourse. That would be an image I wouldn't be able to deal with appropriately.

Another equally unnerving problem I had were Mike's directions; Bella always chose room number 13 and the possibility I would be walking in on someone else and that Bella wouldn't even be there. That would make this 'excursion' entirely pointless.

I rounded the corner and saw the Best Western sign lighting up the street in the distance. My heart grew heavier with every step I took, every step that took me closer to the source.

Mike mentioned an alley next to the Best Western entrance and true to his word, when I passed the entrance I found a small nook, barely an alley that was illuminated in purple because of a large neon 24 next to a door that was open.

I walked into what seemed to serve as a reception area but it was entirely empty. It smelled like urine and something sweet that reminded me of incense but gave me an instant headache.

Passing the reception I noticed two hallways that both had signs with room numbers. The left hallway held rooms 1-6 and the other one rooms 6-13.

Turning my head to check the row of keys hanging behind the reception desk, I noticed only a few were rented out.

Including number 13.

I took the right hallway and made my way to the end where I found a wooden door with a paper that read '13' taped to it.

I halted and wondered what the protocol was. Did I knock?

Did I go in at the risk of seeing things I didn't want to see? I sighed, knowing that was likely going to happen anyway. I couldn't expect them to be playing scrabble or whatever.

I grabbed the doorknob and knocked once before I threw the door open, surprised it gave so easily.

Inside I was met with something I indeed never wanted to witness.

Bella was on the bed, her skirt ridden up and a guy – very much naked – hovering above her, his penis erect but –thankfully- covered in a condom.

At least she had intended to be safe.

In that moment, when my eyes met Bella's – whose gaze went from shocked to surprised to furious - I got angrier than I'd ever been before.

This man, this faceless man because I could only see his back, was meaningless and insignificant in so many ways, and he was about to take Bella, taint her and throw her a few twenties for her efforts.

In that moment, I saw the life Bella would continue to live if there wasn't someone to help her through it. Someone who wouldn't let her down.

I had to be that someone, even if I had no certainty about what that meant for my own future. I'd gladly sacrifice whatever necessary, if I could save my fallen angel.

I walked to the bed and grabbed the guy by the back of the neck – watching Emmett's high school wrestling practices were really coming in handy now – and pulled him off of Bella before he could penetrate her.

"Get off her!" I practically growled as I pushed the guy towards the other side of the room.

"Edward, what the fuck are you doing?" Bella yelled, covering herself as she got off the bed, stalking towards me. "Have you lost your fucking mind?"

"What the hell?" Bella's client muttered as he tried to put on his pants, thankfully covering his lower regions. "Is this your pimp?"

Bella snorted. "The fuck he is."

"Bella, let's go," I ordered, grabbing her arm with the intention to lead her away from this hell.

Because that's what it was:_ Hell_.

"Why is he calling you Bella? I thought you said your name was Marie?" the guy asked.

"Get your hands off me," Bella hissed as she pushed me away. "I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing, but I was having a good time with Rick here."

"Randy," the guy corrected her, his voice muffled because he was pulling on his shirt. "And I think we're done."

"No, no," Bella soothed him as she tried to get hold of his arm. "We can go somewhere else and leave this rigid sourpuss behind."

Bella looked me over, her eyes cold. "He's no one. Let's just go. I'll make you feel good." She purred, sounding sickly sweet.

"Bella don't," I muttered. "You are coming with me."

"The fuck I am."

Randy, who had finished getting dressed, looked between us before he shrugged and tried to get to the door.

"Baby, come on," Bella cooed. "The night is young; we can have a good time. I'll suck you so good, I promise. Like earlier when I made you come. And I'll let you fuck me hard, just the way you like it," she said seductively but she wasn't even paying attention to him. She was taunting me and given the fact I was riled up and angry, the words to halt her escaped my lips before I could think them over.

"_Shut the fuck up,_ Bella!" I yelled. "There will be no fucking or sucking or whatever. You are not going to waste everything you've fought for these past few months because I let you down. I may deserve your fury and we have a lot to work through but you shouldn't give up on yourself!"

Bella looked stunned; her eyes wide. "You….said fuck. Twice."

I took a deep breath to calm myself. "I did. Can we go now?"

"Fine, whatever."

Randy was long gone when I led Bella out of the motel. I should've been in Anchorage by now, trying to figure things out. Instead I'd gotten my eye opener in a sleazy motel room with the number 13 and I would definitely be damned if Bella would ever set foot in that room again.

Bella stood next to me on the sidewalk, waiting as I hauled us a cab.

"Edward?" she whispered.

"Yes?"

"What happens now? Between us, I mean?"

It was a fair question but I simply had no answer.

"I don't know."

* * *

**A/N: So...that was Priestward... And he 'pulled a Bella' by saying "fuck" - twice. I don't think ****there is any excuse for getting her into this position in the first place but it was important he got a real glimpse into her life.**

**Next up...prologue time, which will be a POV double whammy: both Bella and Edward will get to talk.**

**Kudos:**

**Bring on the Wonder is nominated for 2 Avant Garde Awards! Must Read and Best Edward. I keep begging for votes ;) VOTE here: http:/www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com/archives/64**

**As always to everyone who so loyally reviews, to the people who started this story just now and reviewed every chapter and to all the people who read and enjoy this story. Thank you. Your words of encouragement mean the world to me! I'm not one to always respond to any review individually but I appreciate them all so so much!**

**And yes, I love reviews. :)**


	26. The Face Of Truth

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 25: THE FACE OF TRUTH**

You know that feeling where you wake up content and well rested from a full night of sleep. You stretch your body, relishing in the fact your bed feels crisp and clean and the sheets smell like some sort of flowery scented fabric softener. And because you've had a fucking good night of sleep, you feel like it's going to be a fucking great day.

You know that feeling?

I don't.

I fucking never woke up that way.

And yet, waking up this morning with the feel of crisp, warm sheets wrapped securely around me felt pretty fucking good. I stretched and allowed my pinky toe to peek out from under the sheets and feel the cool air in the room, while the rest of my body remained warm and snuggly under the covers.

_Mmm, perfect._

Then reality hit me like a freight train full of memories from the previous day.

I bolted upright in shock, shaking off the fake feeling of contentment as I took in my surroundings.

I was not in my own room; not in my own bed.

"Fuck," I muttered as I untangled myself from the wonderfully pristine sheets, practically jumping out of bed.

Again,_ not_ my bed.

_Edward's _bed.

I had been sleeping in Edward's bed. Last night, after Edward had 'rescued' me from completely ruining whatever progress I had made in the past few months, he had brought me here; to his apartment. We hadn't talked; he had simply offered me his bed, while he had stayed behind in the living room to sleep on the sofa.

I looked myself over; I was wearing dark blue lounge pants that were too big and kept falling off my ass - even after rolling up the fabric at my waist - and a white t-shirt that also definitely wasn't my size.

Edward's clothes. Right, I remembered. He had given them to me because I couldn't go to sleep in my hooker attire. Actually, I could have. It wouldn't have been the fucking first time I had rolled into bed in them. But Edward was too much of a gentleman to let me.

Perverted as I was, I grabbed the hem of the shirt and brought the fabric to my nose, inhaling deep. The smell was incredible; clean but with a hint of musk and man. Edward's scent. I sighed, letting the shirt fall back into place around my body, realizing how silly it was. Why the fuck should I smell it and why did it please me that I detected a hint of Edward on it.

Quickly deciding I didn't want to overanalyze that I focused on the room around me. It was sterile. Pristine.

Pure.

Edward's bedroom was as bland as the rest of his apartment. Fucking boring.

This was what I hated about Edward's desired future. It demeaned him, contained him in ways that ruined the great potential hidden inside him. And I was definitely no freaking psychologist – thank fuck - but I did know that underneath all the religious brainwash there was a great guy. Fuck that…an _amazing guy_. But his entire life, including his home, had been molded to match 'the dream' of becoming a priest.

It was fucking insane.

I had no idea what time it was and how much time I had left to get home and ready for work, but I knew I had to go out there into the living room and face Edward in the harsh, truthful light of day. Things always looked different in the morning.

I grabbed the sweats and held them up, afraid they'd fall off if I walked and moved to the door when I noticed a pair of jeans and a cotton tank top on a chair next to the door.

The items were mine. I had no idea how they had gotten there – it was definitely not what I had worn last night - but I was thankful to have clean clothes because I didn't want to wear my hooker clothes when travelling home by bus; that would be an open invitation to anyone, and Edward's clothes had an oddly intimate effect on me; I might as well be naked while wearing them.

After I quickly dressed myself, I hesitantly made my way into the living room where I found Edward sitting at the kitchen table in the corner, reading something on the screen of his laptop.

"You're up," he smiled as he spotted me. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah I guess," I murmured. "What time is it?"

"Almost 10 AM."

10:00 AM? That fucking meant I was running late for work. Incredibly fucking late. Tits was going to have a field day with this. Assuming I still had a job at this point because that bitch would be the first to make sure Mr. Call would fire me. On my second day.

Motherfucking fuck.

"What? Fu…shit Edward. My shift at the diner started at 9:00! I'm going to get fucking fired!"

Edward gestured for me to calm down. "It's okay, I called the diner and told Mr. Call that a sudden family emergency occurred and you would hopefully be back tomorrow. He said he understood."

I frowned at Edward's explanation. I should be a little relieved that I didn't have to deal with Tits and Co today but all I could think of was the fact Edward had lied to Mr. Call.

He had lied. _For me._

"You lied," I stated in surprise. "Isn't that like…wrong in your book?"

But it didn't seem like Edward thought it was a big deal.

"I also swore last night. _Twice_. In the past few days I've collected plenty of sins to pay penance to God to. One more or less won't make a difference." He shrugged.

Edward seemed so blasé, like it was no big deal. That was certainly a new perspective for him.

His attitude surprised me but it also pissed me off. There was nothing to pay for. No sins committed. Saying 'fuck' or telling a lie didn't mean he was going straight to hell.

"You didn't do anything wrong," I said, exasperated. "You shouldn't have to pay for any sins, especially not after what you did for me last night."

Edward sighed, rubbing his face in exhaustion. He looked tired.

"Did you get any sleep?" I wondered.

"Barely."

***EPOV***

I rubbed my eyes, hoping to rub away the exhaustion. I'd been up since 6:00 AM. My mind was wide awake, while my body longed for rest. But the sofa was uncomfortable and bumpy and the idea that Bella was in my room, _in my bed,_ did strange things to me and kept my mind racing without any sign of slowing down.

The thought of Bella sleeping in my bed, wearing my clothes, had been playing on a loop in my head from the moment she had closed the door to my bedroom behind her. It had been a practical solution to let her stay here last night; there wasn't a romantic idea behind it but there was an intimate level of impact for me.

Lovers shared beds and clothes. My sheets smelled like Bella now.

And while these were trivialities for us; necessities because of the situation we'd been in - I would have never let her go back to her apartment after I'd seen the people she'd been sharing a building with – it was undeniable that there was a brand new edge to everything we did. Every interaction held a different context; a different level of impact. I could feel it and I believed she felt it too.

At one point during the night I'd gotten up to check on Bella because I'd heard noises coming from my bedroom. I'd found her tossing and turning; mumbling and whimpering in her sleep.

The nightmares. Bella had mentioned them a few times. And what I'd witnessed looked pretty bad.

I had walked to the bed and had gently touched her cheek, stroking it softly to calm her down. It was strange to touch her so candidly, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. That terrified me because it did feel normal. I hadn't even hesitated when I had touched her; I'd just done it on instinct.

And Bella had kept murmuring my name, sometimes even sobbing, begging me to stay with her. She'd also mentioned someone named Aro, shivering and shaking subconsciously when speaking his name. Whoever this was, he was causing her night terrors. He was someone from her past.

Eventually Bella had calmed a little and I had covered her with the sheets, securing the blankets around her before I'd sat down in the chair next to the door to watch her sleep for a while and make sure she wouldn't start getting restless again.

As I'd watched her, more questions and worries arose. I couldn't forget what Kate had said. That I had a choice; that I could choose differently and still keep my faith. Just in another form. Was that what I wanted? Did things really change so easily in the span of one night's events?

I could no longer deny that there were feelings. Romantic feelings. I had sat there remembering how it had felt to see that guy Randy, or whatever his name was, hovering over Bella, ready to take her body and vandalize her, even if it was her choice. I could still feel the sensation of adrenaline when I had grabbed the back of this guy's neck, feeling his weak muscles in my grasp, knowing I could crush him if he hurt Bella. It had been exhilarating. It had made me feel possessive and I had wanted nothing more but to protect Bella from all the bad things in her life.

I had never experienced that strong an urge before and combined with what I had already deciphered at the carnival there was no denying it.

Bella and I were more than just buddies. And possibly more than just friends too.

But there were a lot of obstacles in the way. Lots of unanswered questions.

"Bella, we need to talk."

** *****BPOV***

We needed to talk. Of course we did. There was plenty to fucking say. But words wouldn't make a difference. Words wouldn't make the past few days, weeks, months and years go away.

They wouldn't heal; it wouldn't make a fucking difference. The truth always looked different in broad daylight and my truth was hideous. I was a whore. And no matter how much Edward wanted to save me; I wasn't worth it. Sometimes damaged goods were just that; damaged. Beyond repair.

"What do you want me to say?" I muttered.

Edward frowned, looking like he was trying to figure out what to ask me first. Or maybe he had some sort of epic speech prepared.

But nothing.

He said nothing.

He just sat there, looking at me. Letting this weird silence hang between us.

It pissed me off so fucking much that I started yelling.

"Oh for fuck sake, say something! Anything! Don't stand there and look at me. Don't pretend you aren't fucking freaked out about what happened last night. You almost watched a guy fuck me and I know you believe you saved me last night but you didn't."

Edward's frown disappeared at my confession. I knew that would get to him. He was all about being a fucking savior.

But instead of asking me what I meant, he remained quiet.

"You were too fucking late because I already fucked some other guy before you came and tried to save the fucking day! So I'm still a whore and everything we tried the past few fucking weeks; the entire fucking Redemption Program…it meant nothing. Not a fucking thing. So just let it go. This warped up idea that you believe you can save me; let it go. Save yourself instead from your misguided belief that becoming a priest is what you need to do in life."

Motherfucking fuck. I was so tired of this shit. So fucking tired.

Edward was staring at me, bewildered perhaps because of the revelation. Silly boy. Had he not seen this coming?

He was disappointed for sure because he made _that_ face a lot; eyebrows creased together in a frown, eyes sparkling with something I could sure as hell not decipher but it didn't resemble something positive. His lips were pressed together firmly.

This meant he wasn't going to talk to me.

I hated the fucking silence he allowed to fill the room. It was worse than have him yell at me.

Silence was judgmental, yelling gave room for reciprocation.

Not that he ever did. Edward never yelled. He never got angry. It probably was a sin to do so.

Edward was so otherworldly in certain ways. He came into contact with people every day and yet he was so goddamn naïve about their motives. People were fucking selfish beings. How could he even believe there was goodness in any of them?

People were rotten.

_I was rotten._

And if Edward didn't delude himself so much into thinking there was good inside me, we would not be having these silent stare-offs where I was the culprit that needed redemption and he was the one who could forgive me for my sins.

He didn't even understand why I didn't give a fuck about his morals and why we didn't share any of them.

I disappointed him constantly. And I was tired of explaining myself and pointing out all the differences between us.

"Why did you do it Isabella?"

Now he speaks.

I fucking hated it when he called me Isabella. It meant business. It meant disapproval. It meant he was thinking like –almost - Father Edward and not regular 'pretty laidback'Edward. The Edward I had come to know and did not hate. Pretty laidback Edward was not supposed to be a priest, not supposed to waste his life devoted to the madness of a religion. The biased choices he'd have to make to serve a god who probably didn't give a fuck about most people. The big man up there sure as hell didn't give a damn about me.

And why would he? I'd heard the sermons on forgiveness and shit, but really…when you spend most of your time fucking the men in this town senseless and get paid for it, you probably don't deserve to be cared about or forgiven. After all, I did this willingly. And I was good at it too.

I controlled my body and my mind. There was no fucking religion to cloud my judgment. No other half to control my life and choices. My life was mine to live. Nobody could fucking tell me what to do.

I wanted to snort at my own delusion. Like I had a choice by now. I belonged on my knees, on the streets, face buried in dangling cocks and balls.

When you're a professional fucker, you definitely don't own your life and make decisions freely. I had a big mouth – in more ways than one, trust me – and I knew how to throw a fucking punch if I had to, but I was often told what to do. It was the basic concept of my profession. Shut the fuck up and drop your panties.

Or rather, shut up and fuck.

I looked at Edward, his eyes roaming over me like they sometimes did. _This _stare I had no trouble deciphering, _this_ I recognized.

I was used to men looking at me this way. Wanting a ticket into my pleasure dome. Fun zone, whatever. I never got off anyway. That was not the point of what they needed and what I could provide.

And no matter how much Edward claimed to be unaffected by women in general – and perhaps me specifically, no matter what that promise of a white collar represented, I knew better. The way he responded physically; it was nothing I hadn't seen before and I had to admit I enjoyed the idea of having that kind of effect on him.

_Nothing like a hard-on, eh Father_.

This was Edward's little battle between purity and lust. The want was obvious in his eyes and in his pants.

Right now, Edward seemed entranced by my attire, which consisted of a white tank top and black skinny jeans. No bra. My nipples strained against the soft cotton because Edward was too cheap to put the damn heat on in here. Even in the dimness of this room, I could see his eyes lingering on my chest a fraction too long.

_Got ya, Father Perv._

I smirked.

"Like what you see?" I taunted him, wiggling my girls a bit. He didn't like it when I pointed out his forbidden desires. It threw him off entirely. He never reprimanded me, he never retorted. He usually changed the subject whenever I teased him about it because he never had a comeback.

"Isabella," he said, his voice soft as a whisper but still the words caught in his throat a little, "why did you do this?"

_Sure, forget you ogle me like a sneaky pervert and get right back on topic._

"I wanted to," I simply shrugged. It was not his fucking business who I fucked or why. My body, my job. And yes, my fucking money. I earned it. Fair and square.

"You were staring at my tits. How many Hail Mary's will that cost ya?" I teased.

If he wanted to divert us from the subject of his voyeurism and have the same old conversation on why I fucked men for a living, I was going to do the same.

"You are violating the terms of your probation," Edward pointed out calmly, ignoring my snark.

"Your point?" I asked icily.

"You want to go back to jail?" Edward pointed out quietly.

Been there, done that. Did not want to go back.

"You want to get kicked out of the seminary for inappropriate behavior?" I countered.

He didn't bite. Hell would freeze over the day he did.

Edward just stared at me, trying to silently communicate something I didn't really care about. He wasn't staring at my chest anymore and almost desperately tried to hold my gaze.

I rolled my eyes and looked away. "Is that a threat? You gonna tell on me?"

Edward sighed as he got up. He walked over to me slowly, as if he didn't want to startle me, the crazed animal – _the hell beast_ – who would make a sudden move that could lead to casualties when approached without caution.

"I promised to help you and I want to fulfill that promise," he said solemnly as he stopped in front of me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

On occasion he did this. Touch me. Always innocent, always so fatherly. But his hand was warm and felt good against my skin. I loved the electricity because it made me feel something beyond the numbness I was used to.

I looked up and met his deep jade eyes. At least some part of him was penetrating me.

_Wait, what?_

Fuck, I didn't want that. I didn't have a fetish doing the almost ordained. I didn't want to fuck Edward.

"No touching, Father. It will cost you," I smirked as I ruffled his hair. He hated it when I did that, even though his coupe looked like he had been permanently stuck in a wind tunnel. It wasn't like I could mess it up further.

"Bella," he warned sternly, but his lips curled up a bit.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I was Bella again. I was forgiven, as always. The lecture was over. Almost Father Edward Cullen was gone, my Edward was back.

_My Edward? _Fuck. No way would he ever be mine. I didn't even want that.

We'll always be two different worlds, him and me.

Heaven and hell.

Angel and demon.

Sinner and saint.

_Prostitute and priest._

***EPOV***

Too late. I had been too late. It was the only thing I could think of as Bella went into my kitchen to make us breakfast. She had insisted on it since I had let her sleep here last night.

For the moment things had calmed down, everything was out in the open. Well, not everything but at least the basics of what had happened last night.

I had been too late. I couldn't shake the idea and tried desperately to repress the visual accompanying her confession. For a measly ten hours I had believed that while I had been the one who had driven Bella back to the streets, I had at least intercepted her in time to save her from what she had planned to do; find a man and make him pay to have sex with her. But that was a lie. Bella had successfully offered her services and it was my fault she'd been violated, even if she had chosen to.

Acting neutral to that bombshell and simply pointing out to Bella that this could damage her court case and her probation had been a façade. Bella's confession stirred things inside me. Emotionally, I felt immensely guilty that I had let her down after wanting to save her from her former life so desperately. But there was disappointment also. Disappointment in myself for failing to help Bella and even – an irrational - disappointment in her for not saving herself. Sometimes I wondered if she welcomed self destruction as much as I wanted to protect her from it.

I was well aware that I knew too little about Bella to understand why she continued to choose this path of demolition and that there was no excuse to judge her. All I could do was try again and try even harder to save her.

My body was not in tune with my emotions. During Bella's outburst and our talk about what happened last night, my physical instincts had decided it was perfectly, but unacceptably, appropriate to focus on what Bella was wearing and the way she had stood there; half taunting, half teasing me with sexual innuendo. It had brought my penis to life. I could still feel it strain against my jeans. It wasn't as intense as it had been before but the timing was terrible and the context entirely wrong.

"You have nothing edible in your fridge. How do you survive?" Bella wondered, pulling me from my thoughts. I took a few deep breaths, hoping she wouldn't notice my situation and turned to answer her.

"I usually grab coffee before a morning class and a muffin or something," I explained. "And I have dinner at my parents a lot, so there's little need to stock up my fridge."

"Well, that leaves us with coffee or tea." Bella said. "That's not a whole lot."

"We could go out," I suggested, hoping fresh air and a different environment would do us both good and relieve some of the..._tension_. "I don't have classes today and well...you're excused, so would you like to…spend the day with me?"

Bella frowned at my suggestion and I instantly wanted to take my offer back. How foolish it was for me to think that after what had transpired last night and the possible awkwardness she felt this morning, Bella would be willing to spend the day with me.

"Never mind," I said quickly. "It was a silly idea."

"No, no. It's not," Bella said. "It's just that I think I should go home."

"Look, I know that things are awkward now and that we need to find a new balance. But I really do believe we deserve a break. The past few days have been a rollercoaster. I know I can't undo what I did but I would really like to spend a day away from the negative and focus on us."

Bella seemed to ponder this for a moment until she relented. "Okay, I guess you may be right. But we need to stop by my place first because I can't go out in this tank top. Wouldn't want guys to get the wrong idea," she half smiled. Her smile was only partly genuine because it referred to a sensitive and raw subject. And her lingering glance on my private area didn't go unnoticed.

She knew_. Great. _I was no better than the men I wanted to protect her from.

"Sorry, Angela just dropped off some jeans and that shirt," I rambled. "Oh, and some chucks too, they are by the door."

"Angela was here? When?"

"Early this morning. She dropped it off for you. She called me because she was worried since you weren't at home. Anyway, I explained you were here and didn't have much appropriate to wear. She offered to bring some clothes. I think she mentioned she was supposed to meet Ben or something and this was on her route."

"I'd wondered how this stuff had gotten here. That's nice of her," Bella said. "But I can't go out without a jacket. Did she by any chance leave my trench coat?"

"She took all your..._evening wear_. But I can lend you one of my hoodies," I offered, grabbing one that was hanging on the coat rack next to the front door and grabbing her shoes in the process, handing both to Bella.

She grabbed the items and put on her sneakers first. Then she pulled on my hoodie.

Another something that would smell like her later.

I couldn't help but chuckle as she zipped it up; she was swimming in it but at least it had the desired effect of covering her up.

"Let's go."

** *****BPOV***

We went to this little coffee house close to Edward's apartment and Edward, being chivalrous Edward, insisted on ordering and paying while I found us a seat.

He came to sit across from me, while a waitress who managed to keep her boobs covered brought us coffee and several pastries; both sweet and salty ones.

"Take one," Edward demanded as he pushed a steaming mug of freshly brewed coffee towards me.

I rolled my eyes but grabbed a chocolate croissant and held it up for Edward to see before taking a bite.

Once the chocolate hit my tongue I couldn't help but fucking moan because the sweet and bitter taste was a perfect combination. Not entirely unimportant, it also reflected how I really felt. Everything about last night was bittersweet.

And I had lied. Lied to his face. See, Edward _had_ been on time last night; I had lied when I told him I had fucked someone long before he showed up, I hadn't. I had picked up that Randy guy at the club and I had sucked his cock in the alley - he had paid me fifty bucks for it; Randy wasn't very smart and believed me when I told him that was the normal price for oral–and I had let him rub my tits and ass a little but we had never fucked.

So if it had been Edward's goal to prevent me from getting penetrated by a guy then he had succeeded.

And yes, I should have told him that instead of lying to his face. Why would I want him to think he failed? I knew that would only make him try harder. But the words had slipped so easily.

_You were too fucking late. _

There was no valid excuse that made it sensible to lie. Nothing I could think of that justified the action. Edward was already feeling enough guilt because he felt he had driven me back to whoring myself out in the first place. Had I lied to him to increase that burden? Did I want him to feel even guiltier? That made no sense because even if Edward hadn't shown up all heroic like a knight in shining armor Randy and I probably wouldn't have fucked anyway. The moment Randy had gotten naked and I had tried to rubber him up my hands had started shaking. Luckily Randy was too much of a dumb ass to notice I was nervous and forcing myself to suppress images of that fateful night where Laurent had…

Well, you know what.

I probably would've kicked Randy in the balls before running, if Edward hadn't stormed in. So was I punishing him? Punishing him for trying to do the right thing?

I sighed softly and Edward looked up at me. I flashed him a small smile before taking another bite of my croissant.

The taste was wonderful but my insides wanted to reject the sweetness by having it be swallowed by my guilt, causing me to feel rather full after only a few bites.

Fuck, could guilt actually eat you alive?

I should've never agreed to spend the day with Edward. I should've gone home.

But he said "us."

_Spend a day away from the negative and focus on us._

I could do that, couldn't I? If Edward wanted that – he must, he said "us", he'd never said "us" before – then who was I to refuse.

Plus, my curiosity at whatever "us" meant to Edward battled the feeling of guilt for lying to him. I tried to convince myself that making Edward happy by spending the day together could take some of the burden away. Like I was making it right.

I swallowed my bite of croissant and looked at Edward, finding him looking at me intensely.

Wide-eyed.

I resisted the urge to look under the table to assess his crotch situation.

"Edward, are you okay?" I asked, causing him to blink and snap out of whatever trance he'd been in.

"I…yeah…"

"Do I have something on my face?" I asked innocently, touching my cheeks and wiping the corners of my mouth in hopes there wouldn't be any fucking chocolate there.

Okay, I was fucking with him a little. Mentally.

"Edward?"

"No, no…" Edward said hastily. "You look fine."

I looked fine. Well he had seen fucking plenty of me last night, that was for sure. And this morning. His cock had liked it.

Fuck, this was so awkward.

"So," I tried, "good coffee."

Edward nodded, but he seemed lost in thought as he chewed on his cheese danish. Maybe he was willing away a fresh boner.

"So, you want to talk some more about the fact you saw a naked guy trying to fuck me last night or are we going to talk about the weather?" I blurted out, knowing it would get his attention.

We had to talk about that shit at some point. Might as well start now. Our little discussion before had been too brief and undecided.

Edward stared at me, his eyes as wide as a few minutes ago when he'd been staring at me while I ate my croissant. Pretty sure his jaw was dropped to the floor now though.

Shit, I hoped I hadn't made him come in his pants with that little remark.

_Enough Bella,_ I chided myself. _Let the guy be. He's good and pure. Don't ruin him. _

"Uh…"

Yeah, he was definitely speechless. But hey, I got him to pay attention.

"Look, we need to talk about this," I said. "We can't pretend nothing happened in the past few days."

Edward remained quiet for seconds, staring at his plate and his coffee mug before finally speaking.

"You're right. We do."

"I want to apologize," we both said at the same time, smiling a little at our awkward timing.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Edward said. "I have let you down. Not just in the past few days but ever since this all started."

I frowned because I didn't fucking understand what he was getting at. Yes, in the past few days he hadn't been the best buddy but he'd been the one trying to help me all along. It bothered me he was discrediting himself like this because it didn't make sense.

"I don't get it," I admitted. "Yeah, you fuc…screwed up in the past few days but I'm sure you had your reasons, even if I might not get them. But don't pretend you haven't been good to me. That's just not true."

Edward shook his head, disagreeing with me. "You're wrong. I've been going by the Redemption Program; following the guidelines, but never did I truly comprehend what it is you need."

"What does that mean?"

"Bella," Edward said, leaning in closer, his eyes burning. "I saw it last night. The missing piece – well, one of them - the thing I never understood before."

"What? What did you see?" I asked, momentarily lost in the passion with which Edward spoke. I was curious what it was that had made him feel like he had wronged me this entire time.

"Your life. The one you've lived for all these years. Those streets, those men. It's…I can't say I understand or that I ever will but I do know that it opened my eyes.

"Bella," Edward continued before I could respond, "I know it's strange to say, but you amaze me. You're so strong. I don't know half of what you've been through or how and why you ended up where you did, but you're surviving and you took all this – the Redemption Program – in stride and I just want to say, that I am proud of you."

Proud? Edward was proud of me? No one had ever said that to me. Well, Angela maybe but she was my friend and I'm sure that there was some sort of friend guide line that stated you needed to occasionally say something like that.

But to have someone like Edward, someone so good and genuine, tell me that he was proud of me…that was something else.

It made me want to cry.

"You…are?" I whispered.

Edward reached out and tentatively brushed two fingers along the back of my hand. "I am."

"Wow…"

"But it also made me realize that some things need to change," he said as he slowly removed his hand, leaving that strange tingly thing behind in the wake of his touch.

"Change?" I asked, not understanding as I stared at my hand and the way it burned from his touch. The spark coursed though me, leaving a strange fluttering in the pit of my stomach. It felt like nerves or butterflies. The feeling wasn't unpleasant but it definitely confused me.

"Yes," Edward said. "The Redemption Program works for some people and I'm sure that some elements do work for you. But there's more."

"More?"

Edwards words were completely confusing me as well.

"The therapy sessions are important, even if you hate them," Edward said.

I wanted to fucking protest but Edward held up a finger to silence me before I could interrupt. "Don't deny it. I know you don't like talking to a professional, but I think you also know you need it."

I huffed in frustration and fought not to roll my eyes, because he was right

"I think having a job is important too," Edward added. "You need to be able to provide for yourself."

Now I _had_ to roll my eyes. Working at the diner was a disaster. Thinking of what went down there yesterday, made me shudder.

Unfortunately Edward picked up on that, forcing me to explain. "What's that look about?"

"I know that I need to get a 'normal' job," I air quoted, "but that diner…I can't work there."

"Why not?" Edward wondered. "I understand it's tough now because you just started but you have to start somewhere."

"I know, I know." I sighed. "I know I need a job that doesn't require me to spread my legs." Edward grimaced at my choice of words, "But that place…two of the cooks have seen me at Pioneer before and they kept making innuendo jokes.

"Oh, and our lovely waitress is a huge…you know what and she knows about my…indiscretions too. She threatened to tell Mr. Call if I didn't do everything she said."

Edward's face fell as I told the story."I'm sorry you had to go through that," he said softly. "But it says more about them and their immaturity than you."

I shrugged, not wanting his sympathy or pity. "Look, I can handle them but if I have to battle them every single day, that job's going to be horrible and I don't know if that's worth it."

"I agree. Look, I can talk to Mr. Call. Maybe if we carefully explain the situation, he will make sure they won't bother you anymore."

"Yeah, or he'll fire me straight away. I mean, the fact I'm not there today probably gives Tits and her minions ammunition to badmouth me."

"Perhaps. But hopefully Mr. Call is fair and will allow you to explain yourself."

"He's going to realize he made a mistake, Edward," I said.

"You don't know that. But, I do agree that it would be best to look for a job that's better suited for you, with colleagues who won't make you feel bad. Now, what you also need is a new place to live."

***EPOV***

Bella remained speechless as she looked at me. Her eyes were burning into mine; I could see the golden specks in her chocolate brown irises. She seemed surprised.

"I need….a new place?"

"Yes, I don't think it would benefit you to stay at that place with all those people who still live the life you are trying to escape. That's not going to help you."

Bella sighed in frustration as she played with a napkin to keep her hands busy. "Edward, I can't even hold a job right now. How can I possibly move to another place? I can't afford it."

"You can't stay where you live now either," I countered. "The people there, minus Angela; you shouldn't be around them."

It was simple – well in theory – that Bella needed to get out of that environment. And it was going to be tough to get her out of it. I could help her financially – it would be no problem – but I knew she would never go for that.

Another option was to let Bella stay with me for a while but I wasn't certain if that would be a good idea. It was already proving to be quite difficult to have her close; temporarily living together would be impossible and blur too many lines.

"Edward?" Bella called. "Everything alright? You keep doing that weird staring off into space thing or leering at me. Both are weirding me out."

"Weirding?" I tested this new word in her vocabulary.

Bella gave me a small smile. "Yeah. See you're too pretty to creep me out but the staring doesn't make me feel totally comfortable either. Hence 'weirding' is my choice of words."

I chuckled at her reasoning. "I'm pretty?"

"Yup," Bella teased.

For a moment, seeing her smile was enough. It made me feel warm inside. After everything that had transpired between us, I was incredibly grateful to have this moment. To be her with her, knowing she was okay, even if I had driven her back to her old life for a night. I could still help her, my fallen angel.

I thought about what would have been if Jasper hadn't called me last night. If Bella had never left me that message. I would have been in Alaska by now if a higher power hadn't intervened. I had to believe that it was Him; that He wanted me to be here and help Bella through this, no matter what would happen between us. Yes, there were feelings and I had no idea what they meant. Right now, I had no specific intention to act on them but I would no longer pretend there was nothing there. But my main focus was helping Bella. I would not let her down again.

"You're doing it again," Bella pointed out. "Tell me what's on your mind because you're freaking me out."

"I was thinking about last night," I said.

Bella nodded, her face serious.

"Yeah, about that…I owe you an apology too," she said.

I frowned. The last thing Bella owed me was an apology. She owed me nothing.

"Why?"

"I am sorry for the message I left for you. What I said…. about…you and Kate. I had no right," Bella said, embarrassment evident by the way her ivory cheeks turned bright red.

Right. Bella's message. Where she had suggested I should…have sex…with Kate. At least I think that's what her words had meant.

"You were upset. And you had a right to be because I treated you very badly after everything that happened at the carnival and with Rosalie. I'm so sorry for leaving you to your own devices at the hospital. I can only hope my father and Father Masen were civil."

"They seem very protective of you," Bella said.

"What did they say to you?" I wondered. "Was my father rude again?"

"They both pointed out how much you want to be a priest; how important it is to you and how long you've wanted it," Bella said vaguely. "Anyway, the point is; I shouldn't have been there. It was a family thing."

"Kate was there and she's not family," I said. "And I'd like to know what my father and Father Masen said to you."

"I just told you what they said," Bella muttered, refusing to elaborate on her encounters with my father and Father Masen. "As for Kate, she may not be family but she's your friend. And she seemed very supportive."

I nodded, because it was true. Kate had been supportive. She had opened my eyes to some very important things. But Bella made it seem that Kate was more important than her and that was not the case. Quite the opposite.

"Kate did help me, but you being there meant a lot, even if I didn't express it straight away. Rosalie told me you were very nice to her and I truly appreciate that," I told Bella. Once again I reached out my hand but this time, instead of lingering a finger on her hand, I pressed the palm of my hand op top of hers, reveling in the fact it caused little sparks to dance through my arm.

I looked up at Bella but she wasn't paying attention to me; she was looking at our hands connecting and I wondered if she felt the same thing as I and if that was the thing that had her so bemused. But then the look in her eyes shifted and Bella looked slightly panicked. I could feel her hand trembling beneath mine and I realized that any minute now she would yank her hand from underneath mine.

"Bella, it's okay," I whispered, slowly pulling my hand away. "I won't touch you, if you don't want me to."

I remembered how she had tossed and turned in her sleep and how she had mentioned the name 'Aro'. For some reason this person, whoever he or she was, affected Bella in her sleep and it was probable this was someone from her past, possibly someone who had hurt her. The thought made me feel sick. Were they responsible for Bella's issue with being touched?

"I won't hurt you," I told her again, more firm this time.

Bella looked up and blinked. "I know," she murmured. "I know."

The atmosphere felt heavy and I believed we needed a break from talking.

"Listen, there's plenty to talk about, plenty of things to consider. But maybe we should give ourselves a break for today. It's not even noon, maybe we can do a Seattle tour; Space Needle, take a ferry ride, visit the Aquarium?

"Or we could go to the zoo?" I continued suggesting. "You pick."

Bella stared at me for a second, until her entire face lit up in the most beautiful way – yes; I was allowing myself to acknowledge her beauty now _and_ her happiness and how important it was to me to make her smile. I had suppressed so much and it was time to grow up and face the fact that my life was changing as much as hers.

"What do you think?"

Bella's smile widened. "I've lived here for years and I've only seen…well _the underbelly."_

"Time to see the good things that are out there then," I suggested with a smile.

"I want to see the Space Needle. Oh, and can we go to Pike Place Market? I've always wanted to go there."

"We can do whatever you like," I promised.

Bella nodded and her smile disappeared. I instantly worried she would back out.

"Bella?"

"You're going to play rich guy and pay for everything, aren't you?"

I nodded. I had every intention of doing that.

"Don't protest," I warned her halfheartedly. "I owe you so much more than a day of fun. Can we please, just for today, have a good time together?"

"Fine, but you have to let me cook dinner some night."

"Deal."

***BPOV***

I had fucking lived in Seattle for years but not once had I done the touristy 'get to know your hometown' thing. I knew little about Seattle and I had never cared much for sightseeing because honestly, the only reason I had moved here was because it was a large city and I could be anonymous; get lost in the crowds. Plus, plenty of guys to fuck, so it had been good for business too.

All these years I had survived here. Survived, but never had I_ lived_ here. But now, for the first time ever, it was possible to have a normal – minimum wage – job and a place to live that didn't have neighbors who wasted their lives with sex, drugs and more sex and drugs.

I could have a life.

I knew it was going to be extremely hard to change everything. If I had believed the Redemption Program had been tough before, I knew that after Edward had seen my true life last night he would be even more determined to make sure I would change my entire living environment.

The idea of finding a suitable job, a place I could afford and try to kill the demons that haunted me at night felt like too much of a burden. A hurdle I wouldn't be able to take.

I shook my head. Not today. We had agreed to have some fun today. No more guilt for now. No more negative thoughts. Focus on "us." Whatever that meant.

Edward led me around Pike Place Market, where we sampled cheese at Beecher's Handmade Cheese and bought blue berries at Bolles Organic Raspberry Farm because Edward tricked me into making blueberry muffins after telling me over and over they were his favorite breakfast treat; this from a guy with an empty fridge.

We went into an antique bookstore where Edward bought a book for his mom; it was about interior decorating and Edward revealed that creating beautiful homes was Esme Cullen's secret passion, one she barely every practiced anymore, he shared. I wondered if Doctor Deacon had made her give that up to play preacher wife but I kept my lips sealed; I would not piss Edward off today.

I found a cookbook with old fashioned American recipes like Pan-Fried Porterhouse with mushrooms and all American apple pie that Edward insisted on buying for me in exchange for another night of me cooking dinner; without Emmett this time. We had coffee and wandered around the market. We ate a quick lunch at Elliot's Oyster House; a restaurant that gave a wonderful view over Elliot Bay.

After lunch Edward took me to the Space Needle, where he pointed out sights like Mount Rainier, The Olympic Mountain Range, Seattle Waterfront, Lake Union and Lake Washington to me as we stood on the observation deck. I loved it; it was like I was viewing the city I lived in from an entirely different perspective. Literally and figuratively.

All throughout the day there were moments where I would catch Edward looking at me. Well fucking staring actually. With any other person I would have told them to fuck off and cut it out but Edward's glances were different. They reminded me of the way he had looked at me at the carnival.

The carnival. The big reveal that never came.

Would it ever? Was Edward staring at me because he was thinking of that moment? I didn't dare ask, too afraid to ruin a nice day with heavy subjects.

All too soon it was getting dark and cold. Edward suggested we'd get some take out and have dinner at his place but I declined because I didn't want to invade his privacy again. And I had to go back to my crappy apartment at some fucking point.

Of course, Edward protested when I told him that.

"I don't mind if you spend the night at my apartment again. Really, it's fine."

But I didn't feel the same way. "I already kept you busy for an entire day. Not to mention last night. I really have to go back to my place. You need your bed back," I joked. "Plus, I'm sure you have some studying to do or whatever."

"I don't. My evening is free. And I don't mind sleeping on the sofa."

"Edward, no. I need to go home."

Edward relented with a deep sigh but not before he demanded to go home with me. "Fine, we'll have dinner at your place," he compromised.

And so we did. Edward got us a cab to my neighborhood where we got some pizza which was not too horrible at a pizza place around the corner. Of course, he paid for all of it.

Arriving at my apartment, Edward walked up the stairs first, half twisting his body as if he was shielding me from whatever fucking thing would be waiting on my floor. The atmosphere had gotten more tense during our cab ride, both of us anxious to go to my apartment. I knew _why I_ was a little nervous; I didn't want to run into Mike and deal with his snarky shit but Edward seemed just as stressed and I didn't know why. Maybe he wasn't exaggerating his freak out about me living here now that he had seen the magical wonder that was my fucked up life up close and personal in the form of a man's dangling balls close to my face and pussy. Maybe everything seemed worse to him now.

It's fucking ironic how a perfect day had turned shitty within moments. And we had been right to feel apprehensive, because the moment we reached my floor, we were confronted with the thick, rich, sweet smell of pot.

Paul was getting high. That was no surprise. But the fact he needed to have his door open for that shit was less thrilling because it meant we wouldn't be able to escape him.

And to make matters fucking bordering on disastrous, he wasn't inside his apartment; he was lounging in the hallway and he wasn't alone. Mike was with him and they were giggling and yelling to the lyrics of whatever bad rap they were listening to like they were fucking fifteen. Of course, nothing went unnoticed with these two dipshits, not even in their incoherent state.

"Hey, look who it is!" Paul slurred. "It's Bella and her boy toy!"

Edward frowned and reached back, surprising me by grabbing my hand tightly and leading me to my door, half shielding me with his body. I ignored the tingly feeling and my body's natural aversion to be touched like this and focused on the fact that Edward was acting strangely protective.

That was new.

"Bella," Mike called out, grinning lazily. "I see you made it back home. And look, you brought your pimp. Or boyfriend. What is he anyway?"

I stared at Mike and then back at Edward, who was straight out glaring at Mike, looking ready to pounce on him.

It was weird because I had never seen Edward so…aggressive. Possessive.

It was kind of hot.

Really hot.

But what snapped me out of my shallow admiration was the realization that Mike's words made it seem like he knew Edward. As far as I recalled they had never met.

"You two met?" I asked.

Mike snorted, clearly amused. Edward not so much. He kept giving Mike the major evil eye stare.

"Edward?" I asked.

Instead of answering, he took the key from me and opened my door, ignoring the two guys in my hallway as they yelled profanities and made weird, kissy noises.

"Come on, Bella," Edward said, gently but firmly coaxing me through the door before walking in behind me and closing it as soon as we were inside.

"What the fuck was that?"

***EPOV***

I stood inside Bella's apartment, breathing deep to let the anger fade. I had never felt this way before; a testosterone fueled desire to kick this guy's ass.

I had never thought about kicking ass.

"I want to hit him," I muttered.

"O-kay…" Bella responded, clearly puzzled. "That's…weird. And confusing. You don't even know him. He's an annoying asshole but you…look, just tell me. What did Mike mean with that whole…boyfriend pimp comment?"

I sighed and went on to explain how Mike and I had met. "I ran into him last night. He told me where you might be. Well, after I forced him to."

"Forced him to…how? Did you hit him?"

"I…I got angry and demanded he'd tell me where to find you. He was under the influence so he was easily persuaded."

Bella frowned. But instead of drilling me on it, she grabbed our takeout pizza and prepared some plates.

"Mike is an asshole. Always has been," she muttered. "Persuaded probably means you hit him…with words. You didn't recite the Bible or anything, did you?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, Bella. I didn't."

"Good because that would only make things more awkward."

"He is one of the reasons you need to get out of here," I pointed out as I helped her by getting us some water.

The way we worked together felt easy and natural. Spending the day with Bella had felt nice even if we had been sticking our heads in the sand by pretending we didn't have a care in the world. We'd earned one carefree day.

"No more hard talks today, remember?" Bella pointed out. "Tomorrow will be reserved for drama."

We ate our pizza while watching an old movie on TV, chatting in between bites. After dinner Bella cleared our plates and made us tea. We chatted some more and watched a show about travelling.

The host was guiding us through London, which captured Bella's full attention.

"Have you ever been there?" I wondered.

Bella shook her head, completely engrossed in a story about Anne Boleyn being held captive at the Tower of London. "No. I want to. Maybe someday."

Her voice sounded sad and full of melancholic longing. I wondered if Bella had ever even left the country. But I didn't want to upset her by asking about her past.

"You?" she asked, keeping her eyes glued to the screen.

I had. My parents had taken Emmett and me travelling though Europe one summer. It was the summer after Jacob had died and my parents had believed getting away for a longer period of time would do us all good. It was the only time my father had taken a long vacation from work and the congregation.

"Yes, when I was a teenager. London, Paris. Rome. The Vatican. Emmett tried to learn Italian which caused him trouble with an ice cream vendor because he pronounced some word wrong and the vendor thought Emmett was insulting him," I babbled until Bella interrupted my story with a gasp.

I looked up to find her still staring at the screen. But she was no longer engrossed and fascinated.

Bella's face was now contorted into a strange mask of pain and shock as she stared at the moving images, completely transfixed.

"Bella?"

She sat there. Wide-eyed. Eyes brimming with tears. Not moving.

"Bella?" I called out, trying to reach for her hand. But she moved away instinctively, tucking her hands under her folded up legs so that I couldn't grasp them.

Away from my reach.

I looked at the screen and saw the host of the travelling show take a tour through a church.

I recognized it as the Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore in Rome, Italy. The Basilica of Saint Mary Major. It wasn't the largest basilica but it had a rich history. It was one of the five most important basilicas in Rome and my family and I had visited it when we were there.

I looked back at Bella and found her fighting against tears, fighting against whatever made her react this way. I wondered if she was offended or irritated by what she saw on the TV but surely that wouldn't make her feel so upset.

"Bella?" I tried again, trying to get her to snap out of it.

"Turn it off," she whispered. "Turn it off."

I reached for the remote and pressed the power button. Once the screen faded to black I tossed the remote onto the coffee table and focused back on Bella.

"Bella," I whispered. "Tell me what's wrong?"

But she just sat there and for the longest ninety seconds I worried that I would have to take her to the hospital to get her checked out. But then suddenly she started shaking and I realized she was crying.

Hard.

She held herself and cried, rocking her body back and forth. Tears streamed down her face until she started gasping for air and I had no choice but to touch her, even if she would protest.

I pulled her shaking body against mine and while she tried to break free I held her firmly, trying to offer strength and protection. Slowly, her arms moved away from her sides and grasped the front of my shirt, holding tight as she leaned against me.

I rubbed her back to soothe her, whispering words of reassurance against her hair.

Eventually, after what seemed like ages, Bella's body went limp and her hand fell away from my chest. Her heartbeat steadied and her breathing slowed to an even rhythm.

I pulled back to find her asleep.

Careful not to wake her I carried Bella to her bedroom. The realization that I had never been there and how very intimate it felt to walk into her private sanctuary were too insignificant to hold me back. I couldn't allow myself to be freaked out by the unknown. Not if I wanted to help Bella.

I lay her down on the mattress and started to pull off her jeans because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable, averting my eyes as much as I could because I didn't want to ogle her. Once her jeans were off, I covered her up.

Bella stirred at the movement, a sound between a sob and a sigh escaping her lips. I decided to let her night light on so she wouldn't find herself in the dark if she'd wake up at some point during the night.

I moved to the bedroom door, determined to find a note pad so I could write Bella a message before leaving. I wanted to stay but I didn't know if Bella wanted me to remain in her apartment while she slept.

That debate was settled by Bella.

"Edward, stay," she murmured.

I turned, thinking maybe Bella had woken up. But she was still asleep. Her voice sounded shaky and hoarse from crying.

"Please don't leave me."

* * *

**A/N Sorry for the delay. Real life had all kinds of pesky demands. So...prologue. And lots more. Bella AND Edward POV! **

******References:**

**Pike Place Market: http:/www(dot)pikeplacemarket(dot)org/**

**Elliot's Oyster House: http:/www(dot)elliottsoysterhouse(dot)com/**

**Space Needle: http:/www(dot)spaceneedle(dot)com/**

**Kudos:**

**- Bring on the Wonder is a finalist at the Avant Garde Awards Summer Edition, in the "Must Read" and "Best Edward" category. Thank you for all your votes so far. To make it a winner, vote here: http:/www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com/archives/69**

**- Bring on the Wonder is nominated for 3! Shimmer Awards for the Summer Quarter Adonis Award (Best Use of Edward) the Essence Award (Best Dazzled Moment) and Storyteller Award (Best Author) More info here: http:/shimmerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com Voting won't start for a while.**

**To everyone who so loyally reviews, to the people who started this story just now and reviewed every chapter and to all the people who read and enjoy this story. Thank you. Your words of encouragement mean the world to me! I'm not one to always respond to any review individually but I appreciate them all so so much!**

**To say thanks for this in the only way I can: Bring On The Outtakes. First one up in a few days. It'll be Bella and Edward's touristy day in Seattle. If there's any part of the story you would like to see in an outtake: let me know. :)**


	27. Author Note

Because I deleted the Author Note about Voting for the Avant Garde Awards, Fanfiction has messed up the story and with that reviewing and such.

That's why I put in this note. I am sorry for all the confusion and thank everyone for sending me messages and tweets about Chapter 27 "Blasts From The Past" – that one has moved to 28 now. It would make me happy if you reviewed but do not feel obligated :)

Going back to working on new chapter now.

~Bronze

**PS: Bring On The Wonder WON Must Read at the Avant Garde Awards! Thanks to everyone who voted!**


	28. Blasts From The Past

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 26: BLASTS FROM THE PAST**

"_Isabella…"_

_Oh no._

"_Come down my child. It's time to go to church."_

_I breathed deeply to prevent the crippling panic that threatened to set in from making me scream. I knew by now that I could only allow myself to be afraid for a few moments. I could feel the panic build and slam into me. It never changed, no matter how many times I had heard those words._

_It's time to go to church._

_Where every other person might find solace in the house of God, I found it was the hell people tried to escape when they went to church._

_My own personal hell._

"_Isabella, no need for tardiness, we haven't got all day, child."_

_His voice, coming from the hall way, was always warm; deceptively friendly._

_Fatherly._

_But I knew what was behind the mask; the purest evil. The devil himself would be afraid of this man. This man who always got what he wanted, no matter how high the price. Maybe he was the devil incarnate._

_A Catholic Devil, ironically._

_I breathed in deep and tried to control my emotions. There was no point in embracing the fear because it wouldn't help me. I needed to be strong._

_I took another deep breath and looked myself over in the giant antique mirror. One he had bought at an auction in New York a few months ago. When we had relocated to Rome for the summer he had arranged for it to be shipped here because he'd claimed it fit the décor._

_I watched my reflection and how my chest rose and fell steadily. With every breath I could feel myself getting calmer. The panic settled like a fist around my heart. I was used to this feeling. It tamed the battering ram that slammed into me every time I fought this battle of fear. It was always there, lingering, but I knew how to control it and push it down far enough so that it wouldn't paralyze me._

_I looked at myself; my reflection. I searched for Bella Marie Swan but the person staring back at me, wasn't that girl._

_My hair was shiny and perfectly coiffed into glossy mahogany curls. My own personal hair stylist, Tia, had loosely pinned them back in a half updo. She was very talented; I think she was taught by Vidal Sassoon himself._

_My heart shaped face was pale though, Makenna, my makeup artist, called that ivory or translucent. My lips were full and red, with a little transparent gloss to make them extra pouty. She had colored my cheeks with a slight artificial blush._

_I looked like a doll. An angelic doll._

_The thing that always threw me whenever I looked at myself, were my eyes. They were brown. Boring brown. And dead. Boring brown and dead. I remembered a time when they'd been alive with something, perhaps childlike innocence. But those times were long, very long forgotten._

_I had taught myself a long time ago that I could never show the emotions that burned inside me. My face, my eyes, my words. All even, neutral and essentially dead. It's not like he would know or care for the difference._

_I looked over my body, which was developing the way it should at the age of fifteen. Curves were settling in the right places, my breasts had grown into a well proportioned B-cup. I wasn't toned but nature had blessed me with a nice figure that required little workouts._

_Well perhaps blessed was not the right word. Cursed was a better way of putting it._

_I was dressed in a long-sleeved, lace-print Dolce & Gabbana dress. It came below my knees and covered up to my neck._

_It was a decent, pristine white._

_Virgin white._

_What a crock._

_My feet hurt in the white,__two-inch, block heel pumps with ankle straps. I didn't know or care for the brand but they had probably been expensive. Nothing but the best of the best for me._

"_Andiamo, Isabella!"_

_I rolled my eyes and took one more deep breath. One more glance in the mirror to check my fake smile._

_My game face. I turned the mental key inside my head, locking up the pain and fear and allowing the one he liked to see to come out._

_Isabella Volturi._

_I left the sanctuary of my room and descended the large marble stairway. I found a tall, brawny looking man with slicked back, dark hair waiting at the foot of the stairs. He was entirely dressed in black. Expensive black. Probably Gucci._

"_Felix," I greeted him. He gave me a small nod in return.__Felix was Aro's personal bodyguard and he never smiled. He didn't speak much either._

"_Ah, Isabella. Sei bellissima," a voice from behind greeted me. Two warm hands took a firm hold of my shoulders. I forced my body to remain unaffected. I knew better than to allow a physical display of distaste by shivering._

"_Dobbiamo andare."_

"_Si, Aro," I answered._

My head hurt like a motherfucker and my mouth was dry. My eyelids were heavy and swollen, like someone had hit me in the face.

Wait, had someone hit me in the face?

I bolted upright but general wooziness made me long to lie back down and I would have definitely done that, had it not been for the sleeping figure on a chair at the foot of my bed that was hard to miss. The coppery mess he called hair was a beacon one could not fucking miss.

_Edward._

In my room.

He was slumped over, his head resting on the mattress near my feet. He was sound asleep, judging from the way I could see his chest rise and fall with steady breaths.

I frowned, trying to remember why he was here and if I should be mortified about the fucking fact his face was inches from my bare feet. I guessed they had managed to escape the cover of the blankets during the night and were now almost making contact with Edward's jaw. If I wiggled my toes to the left, I could tickle Edward's chin.

Fuck, I hadn't kicked him in the face, had I? Or worse… killed him with the stench of sweaty feet. I mean, I was a clean person and always washed my feet but I couldn't fucking imagine it was a treat to have them in your face.

The questions were building – some more ridiculous and pointless than others and I poked around in my head to find the reason Edward was here.

I ignored the aftermath of the nightmares of Bella's Life Past and tried to focus on what I last remembered.

Then it came back to me. We'd been watching TV. We'd been watching that travel show.

They went…_there._ To the Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore I shivered involuntary at the way the words echoed in my head. I didn't want to think about their proper pronunciation and how _he_ always demanded I pronounced it right.

I didn't want to think about that place.

I didn't want to think about _him._

I remembered the fucking emotional violence, that fucking battering ram when the church had appeared on the TV screen. I remembered the flood of tears that had managed to escape. My mind replayed how Edward had held me and how I had tried to fucking fight against his hold until my body and my mind had recognized that his embrace was nothing like I'd ever felt before. It hadn't felt like a trap; I wasn't confined in his embrace.

I'd been safe there.

And he had stayed. To keep me safe.

Despite the pain and the internal battle to regain my cool, that made me feel a little better.

I leaned over to where Edward's head rested, careful not to kick him in the face, and reached out to touch him. My hand found his bronze locks as I hesitantly moved around to feel his hair. It was soft and all over the place. Coupe de wind tunnel.

Edward startled me by moaning softly, almost like a purring cat welcoming the affection. I withdrew then, because it was too fucking personal to touch him this way and it seemed a little too…_right._

"Edward," I called softly.

"Hmm…" was the only answer he gave. He sighed deeply and buried his face in the crook of his arm.

I chuckled, finding Edward all kinds of adorable this way even though his position had to be fucking uncomfortable. His neck had to be all stiff.

Well, that would make one part of him stiff at least.

"Edward," I tried again, shaking his shoulder a little to wake him. "Wake up."

"Mom?"

I rolled my eyes.

"No, I'm not your mom," I said, shaking him again. "I'm the tooth fairy."

"Tooth…fairy?" he croaked, his voice thick with sleep. "But I didn't lose a tooth."

I laughed then. Sleepy Edward was fun.

Edward moved his head a little and his eyes fluttered open.

He blinked a few times until he lifted his head and our eyes met. He looked confused.

"Morning, choirboy," I teased. "I can guarantee that your neck will hurt like a bitc- a lot."

"Bella?" Edward frowned. "Where's the tooth fairy? Is this a dream?"

"Well, I don't know, do you dream about me a lot?" I teased.

"I...uh...what are you doing in my room?"

"Look around sunshine," I scoffed at him with a smile. "You're in _my_ room. Butt naked too, might I add."

That caught Edward's attention because he shot upright, instantly grabbing his stiff neck because of the sudden movement and looked himself over. Then he glared at me when he realized that I was teasing him.

"Very funny... tooth fairy," Edward muttered. "I seem to be fully clothed."

"Alas, yes. Anyway, I couldn't help myself," I smiled. "You and nudity is an endless source of funny material."

"Glad I amuse you."

"You do amuse me with your innocence. So, how's the neck?"

"Stiff."

_Bite your tongue, Bella. No more innuendo._

"That's what you get from sleeping in a chair."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I didn't have much of a choice, now did I?"

"I have a sofa too," I suggested. "And this bed is more spacious than it looks," I added with a wink, causing Edward's mouth to drop.

"Of course if I had found you up close and personal, drooling all over my face, I would have clubbed you," I grinned.

"Says the girl whose stinky feet were near my face," Edward teased as he rose to stretch.

Seeing him flex those muscles was a sure sight for fucking sore and puffy eyes.

"My feet are not stinky," I muttered as I got up too.

Edward smiled before his face turned serious. I guess he remembered last night too.

"How do you feel?"

"Fine," I mumbled. I didn't really want to talk about my personal feelings, having nightmares about them was more than enough.

"Fine? Really. After that meltdown last night, you feel fine?" Edward said incredulously.

I shrugged. It was the truth. I did feel fine. See the thing about these blasts from the past were that it was nothing new for me. I could handle it. I was used to fucking handling it. Today was no different just because I had cried on someone's muscled, well trained shoulder about it.

Hmm, did Edward work out?

"Bella?"

Oh right, _focus._

"I am fine, okay? No meltdowns," I said. "I'm sorry you had to see me like that last night. That was unfair to you. Thank you for staying with me, I appreciate it. I feel much better now."

Edward frowned but decided not to push further.

"Okay, if you say you're fine then who am I to disagree."

"Would you like some breakfast? I'm pretty sure I can whip up some toast and make us some coffee," I offered, trying to distract Edward from asking more about my current wellbeing.

Edward smiled but shook his head. "While that does sound good I'm afraid my first class starts in an hour and a half. I need to go home to shower, change my clothes and get some books."

Right, Edward had school. Priest school. Ugh.

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll catch you later then."

After spending the last thirty-six hours with him, it was weird to see him go. It felt strangely unnatural. My chest felt heavier. It was fucking weird.

"I am free after 2:00 PM. You want to meet me at the diner so we can talk to Mr. Call?"

_Fuck!_ The diner. I had forgotten about my job there. If I didn't check in today, I would definitely be fucking fired.

"I have to go in today," I murmured.

Edward grabbed his stuff and headed for the door. "I could call, tell Mr. Call we'll stop by later to talk. You could stay home if you feel uncomfortable to go by yourself."

I looked at the clock and noticed I still had time to make it to the diner and start my shift. It was best to face this head on. Hiding wouldn't do me any good.

"No, I'll go."

"Are you sure?" Edward asked. "You don't have to."

But I did. If I wanted to prove I was better than Tits and her greasy gang, I had to face them. "I'm sure."

"Alright, I'll meet you there around 2:30 then?"

I nodded.

"If there's any problem promise you will call me," Edward practically demanded, before he waved and walked out the door.

"I promise," I answered, knowing he wouldn't be able to hear me.

Thirty minutes later I was in a fucking hurry after showering, getting dressed and eating - well half choking on - some toast. By the time I was ready to leave there was a knock on the door.

Whoever this was, they sure knew nothing about fucking timing.

I sighed and grabbed my satchel and Edward's hoodie - he had left it here, so I figured I'd take it with me to return to him later - before going to the door.

I was surprised to find my best friend standing there, a surprised look on her face when she noticed I was about to head out.

"Bella," she greeted me warily. "Are you leaving?"

"Work," I explained. Angela nodded and frowned.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yes I'm fine. I just...I saw Edward leave. I was downstairs, doing some laundry when I spotted him heading out. Did he spend the night?"

Angela's voice burned with curiosity and her eyes were shining with a weird smugness.

"Wow, gossip much?" I teased as I headed out and locked the door behind me. "Yes, he did. Look, I hate to cut this short but I am running kind of late."

"Do you mind if I walk you downstairs?"

I shook my head and smiled. "No, not at all."

"How have you been?" I asked Angela as I led the way downstairs.

"Good, I guess."

"How's the new medication?"

"It does seem to be working. I really feel better. Ben managed to get me a decent deal with my refills too."

"Nothing too illegal, I hope," I teased.

Angela chuckled dryly. "No Bella. Nothing _too_ illegal."

"So…I guess you two are still seeing each other then? I mean, he's still getting you your meds."

Angela gave me a strange look, one I didn't quite understand and I worried if maybe this topic would be off limits. After all, I still owed my best friend a major apology for spilling the beans about her to Ben by accident.

"Never mind, you don't have to tell me," I started but Angela stopped me.

"No, it's okay. Ben and I talked. And talked some more. He doesn't really understand any of it but he's not running for the hills yet. I think we need some time though."

"Time is good," I said.

"He did ask me to stop."

"Stop...working the streets?"

Angela nodded in response.

"Will you?" I wondered as we reached the central hall of the building.

"Well, if I want to work things out with Ben, I don't have a choice."

"So..."

"So, I guess I need a job too. I mean a real job. One that doesn't require…

…spreading my legs."

"Gotcha. Well, welcome to my world, I guess."

"How's the job at the diner so far?"

I frowned thinking of how disastrous my first day had been and how I really didn't want to go back now.

"It was…different," I hedged, but Angela knew me well enough to see right through that.

"That bad?"

"Two of the guys who work there have seen me around Pioneer. They recognized me."

"Ouch."

I nodded. "Yes, ouch sums it up perfectly."

I checked the large clock in the hallway and knew I had to run to make it in time. "Look, Ang, I have to go or I'll be late. And that would only give them more ammunition to torture me."

"Okay, well, I'll see you later. Then you better tell me what's going on with you and Edward."

I sighed as I put on Edward's hoodie and zipped it all the way up to my chin. I might as well wear it because it was freezing outside. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it smelled like him and how that soothed me.

"There's nothing going on."

Angela rolled her eyes and wagged her finger disapprovingly. "He left your apartment at the crack of dawn and I am willing to bet my colorful pill collection that that's not your hoodie you're wearing."

"I have to go."

"You will tell me!" Angela hollered before the door closed behind me.

"Bella. You're late. No surprise there."

I glanced at the grease stained clock that was hanging on the wall next to the door that led to the kitchen. It was 9.52. My shift would start in 8 minutes.

"Eight minutes. Looks like I am right on time, Ness," I said evenly. No way was I going to let her bait me today. Well not in the first minute I was there.

Tits rolled her eyes and pointed towards the door to the backroom. "Drop your stuff and get changed. You better be back out here in...seven minutes."

I bit my lip to keep from making a snarky comment and shrugged as casually as I could. "Sure thing."

Six minutes later I was standing next to Tits and another girl, one I hadn't seen before. She had short spiky hair dyed in a fire engine red and was taller than Tits. Besides her hair she was natural looking in the boobs and skin tone department. Normal B cup and appropriate white girl complexion. No fake tans in November. Her name was Victoria and she seemed as unimpressed with Tits as I was.

I liked that. Maybe this place would have one decent person I could try and get along with. That could make it easier to deal with Tits and her lackeys. At least until I could get out of here.

"Victoria, you'll be waitressing today. Bella will do clean up and dishes."

Victoria frowned and stepped forward. "Morning rush is coming. I can't do service all by myself. Can't newbie here help me? Waiting tables ain't rocket science."

Newbie? Okay, maybe we wouldn't be besties. The venom in her voice was enough to verbally murder someone. And I didn't like my brand new nickname, even if it was harmless.

Tits barked out a sarcastic laugh. "If it ain't 'rocket science' tell me why I have a box of complaints about you, Vic? And as for 'newbie' over here...it's her second day. And I need someone in the kitchen. Dishes don't wash themselves even if you seem to think so."

Wow, Tits was a fucking bitch to everyone.

Victoria stepped even closer to Tits and I had to admit that it was amusing to see how she towered over my favorite plastic person and tried to intimidate her. Bitch-fight please.

"And what the fuck will you do?" Victoria hissed.

At least the girl spoke my language.

Tits frowned and stepped away, moving behind the counter to create space between her and Victoria. Fuck, bitch fight cancelled.

"Well?" Victoria demanded. "Will you sit on your ass all day as usual?"

"I have to watch Bella," Tits responded. "She needs constant supervision."

"Hold on," I intervened. "I don't need a babysitter. I'm sure I can handle cleaning tables and doing dishes. Since that's not rocket science either," I huffed.

Tits' artificial eyebrow shot up. "Can you? Because it's not the same as opening your mouth, controlling your gag reflex and spreading your legs."

Victoria gave her a surprised look before turning to me. I tried to count to ten in my head to calm myself before I would grab that ugly weave Tits called her hair and drag her out to drown her in a sink filled with dishwater.

The last thing I needed was murder on my rap sheet.

"Whatever," I muttered. "I'll go and set some tables."

"You're a real bitch," Victoria grumbled before she walked towards the door to let in the first customers.

Morning rush was surprisingly uneventful. The anticipated rush never came, so there was plenty of room to slack around, which was exactly what Tits and Co did. It seemed only Victoria and me were working.

I kept hoping for the big boss to show, but apparently Mr. Call was someone who never checked in. From what I gathered, he stayed away most of the time which left the diner in the not very capable, manicured hands of Tits.

She bitched at me all morning but for some reason it was easier to handle with Victoria here. I mean, it was obvious she wasn't looking to be bestest buddies with me and I didn't fucking want that anyway, but we had a common enemy and that could create a bond.

Or so I thought. During a small fifteen minute break, I caught Victoria in the backroom and thought it would be nice to reach out to her since we were both bearing the brunt of Tits' bitchiness.

"She is something else," I started, my voice light and friendly. "I think she inspected every fucking plate I washed. She might as well have done it herself. Of course, with those ugly pink claws, I doubt she can even hold a plate properly. "

I don't know what I fucking expected; maybe a chuckle, a snarky comment about Tits; anything that would show me Victoria and I were going to form some kind of work place camaraderie.

Boy was I fucking wrong.

"Look, newbie... If you're looking for an ally, you're trying to impress the wrong fucking person. You're nothing but a human dishwasher to me. This whole dump... I work to make money. Not to make friends."

And with that, I was truly fucking alone.

During my lunch break I sat in a back corner of the diner at one of the tables no customer ever sat because it was next to the door to the storage room and whenever someone opened said door, it would bang against the table which made it an impossible space to sit in.

Technically, the staff was not supposed to eat in the actual dining area but I didn't give a shit. No way was I sitting with Tits and her gang. I had some dignity (shockingly) and I didn't want to kill my appetite by having to share a table with them.

It was ten minutes past noon and I was counting the minutes until Edward would show up.

Unfortunately, that left too much space for other things. Things I wanted to repress...

**(FLASHBACK)**

_The Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore in Rome, Italy_

_One of Rome's most important basilicas._

_For all its splendor and glory, I hated this place so much._

_"Buongiorno, Aro è bello rivederti"_

_Father Giovanni greeted us and Aro kissed his ring like he always did. Renee looked bored and gave an equally uninspired greeting in the form of a lackluster wave. Aro hated it when she did this but he never corrected her in public._

_Punishments happened in private. Also, I think he had given up on correcting her._

_"Isabella, you are blossoming into a lovely young woman," Father Giovanni spoke in English with a thick Italian accent._

_"Grazie," I whispered, bowing my head a little. I knew it pleased Aro when I spoke Italian._

_Father Giovanni led us to the front pew where we sat down in our usual seats._

_Mass was always difficult for me to follow because it was spoken in Italian entirely and while I'd had two years of lingual classes I still failed to be fluent._

_I supposed I spoke Italian well enough but Aro was never satisfied. He always pushed me harder, especially academically. I had various tutors who weren't just supposed to teach me, they were there to perfect me._

_I felt myself doze off and zone out as the choir sang until I felt a soft nudge against my shoulder._

_Demetri._

_He was always nice to me. He never gave me the stink eye the way Alec did. I didn't like Alec. He was Renee's personal bodyguard. There was something about his eyes; cold and grey. He had a menacing look in his eyes, one that screamed mayhem and inhumanity. The type of person who had seen so much horror in life, he had become the one doling out the pain and punishment._

_A perfect asset to Aro's security team, I supposed._

_"Don't fall asleep, little one," Demetri whispered._

_He was a man of little deep conversation but he always called me 'little one'. From the moment Renee and I had moved in with Aro, Demetri had been my personal bodyguard. He was to accompany me to everything and anything. He slept in a room across from mine and made sure that no one entered my room at night._

_Demetri was Russian with sandy colored, cropped up hair and cool but friendly blue eyes. He had immigrated to the United States fifteen years ago at the age of seventeen. I had no idea of how he had ended up working for Aro and he never told me. The topic of his move to the US and how he had become a bodyguard was off limits._

_"I am awake," I whispered back before Aro silenced me by putting a hand on my knee and squeezing firmly._

_After mass, Aro made his rounds and greeted some of the people there he knew. I remained close to Demetri until Aro announced it was time for confession._

_Renee, who never went to confession walked away with Alec in tow, while Demetri followed behind me as Felix walked beside Aro, who led us to the confessional booth where Father Giovanni was waiting for him._

_Aro went first while Demetri and I waited in one of the long corridors. He warned Demetri to watch me before he disappeared behind the red velvet curtain. I could hear him murmuring "Mi benedica, Padre, perché ho peccato," asking Father Giovanni to bless him for he had sinned._

_He certainly had, I could attest to that. But then, so had I…_

_To kill some time I counted the marble tiles on the walls. I watched as the light of the stained glass windows reflected and cast strange patterns on the floor._

_"Do you ever go to confessional?" I asked Demetri, who gave me a semi irritated look._

_"You ask me this every time, little one," he sighed._

_"And you never answer," I muttered. "So I have to keep asking."_

_"I am here to protect, not to pray."_

_"You keep saying that," I argued. "Tell me something new. What was it like working on the taiga when you were a little boy in Siberia?"_

_"You mean tundra," Demetri corrected me. "Taiga means pine forest in Mongolian. I lived on the tundra in Northern Siberia."_

_"And you came to America because you wanted to escape Russian poverty," I stated, hoping Demetri would finally take the bait and tell me more about his life in Siberia and how he met Aro._

_Demetri sighed deeply. "Isabella, it's best to remain quiet and wait until it's your turn to confess," he scoffed. "You know how Aro feels about your babbling."_

_Aro hated my babbling. Or rather, he hated when I didn't obey him. And one of his biggest pet peeves was church. Catholicism._

_If you disrespected Aro's faith, he would punish you._

_I had learned that the hard way many times._

_"I am bored. Tell me a story," I whined. "Don't you ever wish you could wear anything else but black?"_

_"Isabella! Basta!"_

_I turned and found an impatient Aro looking at me. His frown indicated he had heard me talking to Demetri, which was a big no-no. I wasn't allowed to fire questions at my bodyguard, especially not in church where I was supposed to remain quiet unless I was spoken to and had to answer._

_"Entra, è il tuo turno," Aro hissed, demanding for me to go into the confession booth. I noticed that his eyes were darker than the night when I passed him._

_I knew what that meant._

_Aro wasn't just angry. Aro wanted me to show him respect._

_And there was only one way to do that._

_I pushed aside the curtain of the confessional and found the space empty. I could tell that the other side of the partition, the space where the priest would sit, was empty too._

_I listened to the murmurs of Aro and Demetri arguing until I heard the curtain move._

_"Isabella," Aro's very angry voice sounded behind me_, "_Mi hai__deluso."_

_I knew what that meant too. His disappointment was worse than his anger._

_"You won't be doing a confessional with Father Giovanni today. Instead, you will show me respect, tesoro._

_"Now get on your knees. And make sure to pray."_

"Bella! Hello, earth to Bella!"

I blinked and I found Tits looking at me incredulously.

"What?"

"I know the concept of real work is difficult for you to understand because your previous experiences have been…debatable and far from the reality that's a legal, paying job, but it's ten minutes past your lunch time and you're sitting here, staring off into space."

Fuck. I shook my head, trying to forget about the memories I had tried to keep locked away for so long. Now was not the time to relive them.

That time was never. It was bad enough my subconscious seemed to forget about that during the night. I couldn't allow the same to happen during the day when I had to function and couldn't hide under the covers and crumble inside and out.

"I swear you are pushing me to report you to Mr. Call. If I tell him about your previous career, he'll be sure to fire you," Tits babbled on.

Her full, fake, covered in pink lipstick lips were smirking and her tits were jutted out a little extra in pride. She was so fucking full of herself and I wasn't just referring to the parts of her that were unnaturally enhanced. I rose from the table and cleared it, tossing out most of my lunch because my appetite had been killed by the ghosts of the past that had decided to free ride on the fact my nightmares had increased and were starting to seep into my daytime routine.

I took the tray that had held my lunch and carried it to the kitchen where I cleaned it. Tits, annoyed that I was ignoring her, followed behind me. I saw Gary and Chuck eyeing us with fascination. They were probably hoping she would push me to a point where I would physically hurt her. But I would give none of them that satisfaction. I had my pride and I could not allow them to fucking break me.

"You know, I have seen a lot of pathetic people but you definitely take the cake," Tits spat as she stood next to me. "I mean, who becomes a whore? Like… how in the world would anyone think it's a good idea to be a whore? Sure… people without an education may not have the greatest job opportunities in the world but they find something respectable. You chose to sell your body and your soul. How can anyone respect you? And more importantly, how can you respect yourself?"

The ugliest truths are the ones which are actually true. And Tits, while I despised her and wished to pop her fake tits with a fork, had a point. I hated that it was she who made that point, and I would fucking never admit that what she said made sense, but I couldn't argue her words.

Having fucking admitted that to myself, there was also this pot-kettle thing that I just had to point out.

"Very good Nessie," I said, rolling my eyes. "You make a great point. Why would anyone choose to fuck random strangers for money when they can work in this dump and dress like a whore too. Exhibit A," I said pointing at her, which earned me a chuckle from Gary and a snort from Chuck.

"I don't give a fuck whether people respect me or not," I added. "I'd rather have control over my life than spend what little money I earn at a greasy diner and use it to get fake tits, pouty fish lips, a different skin tone and ugly extensions.

"But hey, to each their fucking own. Stay out of my life and I'll stay out of whatever sorry excuse for one you have."

And with that I walked out of the kitchen.

I was clearing out tables with Tits watching me like a hawk when I sensed someone standing behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know who it was because my skin started tingling like I was close to a strong field of energy and the heaviness in my chest that I had felt when Edward left, disappeared.

"You know, sneaking up on people is uncool," I said without turning around.

"I told you I'd be here," a soft velvet voice countered.

I finally turned and found Edward looking at me, eyes playful and lips stretched in a smirk.

"You said you'd be here around 2:30," I retorted back, looking at the clock. "It's only 2:10 PM. You're early."

"Hmm, I see. You want me to leave and come back in twenty minutes?" Edward teased. "I'd hate for you to think I can't be punctual."

I pretended to contemplate that for a few seconds until I rolled my eyes playfully.

"You can stay," I shrugged. "As long as you behave. No funny business," I warned halfheartedly.

Edward moved to sit down at a table. He started rummaging through his backpack, pulled out his laptop and set it down on the table.

"You have told me repeatedly I am not funny. So how would I ever be able to pull off funny business?" Edward mused. "It's obvious I don't have that gift."

"Fine, Cullen. Look, why don't you order something. Otherwise you're not allowed to sit here and play with your laptop."

"I'll take a black coffee with lots of sugar. Oh… and a brownie, please."

"Sugar rush? Now you_are_ pulling funny business," I chuckled.

"It's crunch time for me. I have an assignment that needs finishing and my brain needs fuel."

"Fuel in the form of sugar? You know what happens to little boys and sugar? They get hyped up, start running around and tear up the place."

Edward grinned. "I promise I'll remain glued to my chair like a good, little boy and solely focus on typing up 1000 words."

I sighed mockingly and gestured to his laptop. "Start typing, I'll get you your order. And no looking at porn while I'm away!"

"Thank you," Edward said sarcastically. "And your jokes to embarrass me are getting old."

"But still fun," I called out as I walked away.

I went behind the counter to pour Edward coffee and grab him a brownie. From the corner of my eye I noticed how Tits had marched over to where Edward was sitting and was flirting up a fucking storm by pretending to listen intently to whatever he was saying. She was leaning in, giving Edward a fucking nice view of her assets.

Bitch. Seriously, did she have to smother Edward with her tits like that? Just as I had warned him not to look at porn, there she was in the disturbing and fake tanned flesh, acting like… porn. Rationally I knew Edward couldn't care less about her flirting but a part of me wanted to jump over the counter and drag her away by that twelve dollar, rat's nest she called hair.

Edward was mine.

He slept near my stinky feet and let me sleep in his clean clothes. Tits could pull out all the stops, Edward would never want her.

_Why do you care, Bella?_ I silently wondered. _Do_you _want him to want you?_

No. Yes. Maybe. No.

Fine, maybe. Sometimes.

I sighed and forced myself to focus. I had no idea what Edward and Plastic Fantastic were talking about but suddenly Tits turned and looked my way because Edward had gestured something. I gave her a smug smile and waved before holding up Edward's coffee with a thumbs up.

If the bitch wanted to play, I was all in.

Tits glared at me for a good two seconds and then she turned back to Edward, smiling and nodding before he sent her off and she came my way, eyes wide and furious.

Tits was mad.

I kind of loved that.

I put Edward's coffee on a tray and arranged the plate with the brownie next to it, along with some napkins and utensils.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Tits hissed angrily.

"I'm getting my friend Edward his order. There was no one else around to do it and since customer service is hugely important I couldn't just let him sit there and wait until you or Victoria came over to wait on him. Mr. Call wants to keep the customers happy.

"And I know all about happy customers," I winked before walking away with Edward's order.

For a moment I worried that she might make me trip but it appeared even Tits had some manners because all she did was follow me and halt next to Edward's table to observe me as I placed his coffee and brownie on the table.

Edward looked up from the computer screen and smiled. "Thank you." He beamed.

"You're welcome."

"Bella is new here," Tits weighed in in a sugary sweet, nauseating voice. "I have to keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't screw up. I'd hate for you to leave unhappy."

I snorted at her little act because she was so fucking transparent.

Edward flashed Tits a polite smile and then turned to me. "Bella here is doing fine. I'm sure I'll leave very satisfied," he added with a wink for me.

The moment the words left his mouth a deep shade of red appeared on his cheeks; his body's response to the innocent innuendo he had used by accident. Or maybe not, and that's why he was blushing furiously now.

Tits didn't seem to notice Edward's embarrassment or the fucking pun in his words. She just shrugged and walked away.

"She must be a joy to work with," Edward commented. He grabbed his coffee and took a sip. "Wow, this coffee tastes amazing."

"The Lochness monster is a true monster. But she is also the one responsible for the brew you're slurping."

"I don't slurp," Edward countered. "I bet the coffee comes in pre-dosed packages. No talent of her own."

"Her only talent is annoying people," I muttered.

"I take it she had been pestering you all day?" Edward wondered as he cut a bit of his brownie with a knife and put it in his mouth.

The way he licked his lips to get all the chocolate distracted me.

To be that brownie. Fucking delicious.

"Bella?" Edward called, snapping me out of my lust filled haze. "Are you alright?"

"Yes. And yes…the monster has been a bitc… monster all day. Mr. Call is absent so she is enjoying her power trip," I explained.

"Has she said anything about… you know what? Teased you about it?"

I nodded and Edward grimaced. "Was it bad?" he asked.

"Nothing I'm not used to by now. But she is trying to push my buttons in the worst way."

"Bella!"

I looked up and found Tits gesturing at me from behind the counter. She still looked mad.

"Her Royal Pain in My Ass is calling. I better get back to washing dishes," I sighed. I was about to walk away, when Edward reached out to grab my hand. The familiar tingling didn't shock me as much as the unexpected gesture. He was becoming oddly touchy feely for someone who didn't know much about being touchy feely.

"Hey… I just want you to know I am impressed that you went to work today. Really, I am proud of you." Edward smiled.

_Proud of me_. There it was again. The unsolicited praise for simply surviving. Like I had a choice? If I failed to show up, I would lose my job and if I ever wanted to fucking change things then I needed to roll with the punches and try to survive this shit no matter how hard it was.

But the emotions behind those words felt different. It reminded me of when he had held me last night.

Safe. Edward's innocence and purity meant that his words were pure and untainted by manipulations.

He spoke the absolute truth.

"Thanks," I muttered and I carefully pulled my hand from Edward's hold and flashed him a smile.

"I really have to go, report back to the mother ship," I teased.

"What time does your shift end?"

"5:00," I answered.

"Do you have plans tonight?"

"No, why?"

"Well, I think I can finish this assignment in two and a half hours. That would give me the night off. Do you want to cook for me?" Edward grinned. "You owe me World's Best mac and cheese."

Edward and his odd neediness for home cooked meals. It was getting out of hand.

"Edward, you are incorrigible. What person asks if you want to cook for them? If you want a home cooked meal, go visit your mom," I muttered, ready to walk away.

"I want Bella cooking," Edward pouted. "Please, pretty please?"

"Fine," I relented. "But only because I need to make myself dinner anyway."

"Whatever you want to tell yourself," Edward teased. "You know you love cooking for me."

"You better hush and start typing. Otherwise, I am inviting Emmet to dinner," I threatened with a smile.

"That's not a nice threat," Edward called after me.

"It's not a threat; it's a promise," I countered as I started cleaning some tables.

Edward wrapped up his school assignment while I finished my shift and afterwards we went grocery shopping so I could make us dinner at Edward's apartment. Cooking the World's Best mac and cheese with the cheese we had bought from Beecher's proved to be easy, even if it was the first time I was making it. The cheese was soft and melted without turning into rubber. Edward certainly loved it and served himself two plates and practically fucking begged me to make sure there'd be leftovers so he could eat it again tomorrow.

After dinner we cleaned up. All the while we talked about random stuff. I was glad Edward didn't try to push me about the previous night.

Right now, I was reading Edward's school assignment while he made us some tea. It was per my request because I was fucking curious what Edward learned at priest school.

But the more I read of what Edward had written, the more it didn't seem to be about church, religion or priesthood at all.

It was an assignment where Edward had to observe five random people for thirty minutes and write down what they did during those thirty minutes; what they looked like, how they acted, if anything special happened during those thirty minutes, etcetera.

It looked kinda boring.

"Well, what do you think?" Edward asked. He placed a mug of tea on the coffee table and took a seat beside me.

"It's not very… religious," I muttered. "This is your basic… human behavior study?"

"Basic," Edward scoffed playfully. "Do you know how long thirty minutes is when you have to observe someone like your good friend Nessie the Lochness waitress?"

I looked at him in surprise. "You watched Nessie for thirty minutes? I guess that explains why she claimed you were flirting with her."

"What? That's ridiculous."

"I know. But why did you choose her?"

"Random pick, really. She's one of those types that are on the move constantly, prowling. If she was an animal, I think she'd be a lioness."

I frowned, thinking how bizarre our conversation was becoming.

"Okay, let's drop the subject. I'm sure you're getting a good grade for this, even if I fail to see the point of it."

I put Edward's laptop on the ground next to the sofa and grabbed the mug of tea. "So how are Rosalie and Emmett?"

Edward sighed, rubbing his face. "I don't really know. I spoke to my mother who said that Emmett went back to work yesterday and that Rosalie is planning to visit her family this upcoming weekend."

"They don't live in Seattle anymore?" I asked. "I thought they moved here when Rosalie was a teen."

"They lived here for a good while but Rosalie's father is a business man and has always traveled a lot; setting up businesses and such. Two years ago he started a business in Port Angeles. Rosalie's parents moved into this giant mansion in a tiny place called Forks. I guess it was cheap or something because the place itself is supposed to be very dreary."

Forks.

I shuddered. The flashback hit me before I could stop it.

_I was eight years old and sitting on the steps of our front porch. It was July but it was still chilly at night. The breeze made my red and white dress with little apples on them dance in the wind._

_I wanted to dance in the wind. Fly like a bird. Float on the clouds and let my wings take me far, far away._

_I could hear the voices come from inside. They were louder than anticipated and I wondered if the wind carried them over deliberately._

_Charlie and Renee were fighting. Again._

_They didn't just do that a lot. They did that all the time._

_I believed they hated each other. There was no other explanation. Never did they have polite conversations, unless they were in public or with company and neither happened very often._

_I didn't have to cover my ears anymore like a scared child who didn't want to hear her parents fight._

_The fights were old news; it was always the same argument._

_Renee hated Forks and wanted to leave. Renee hated Charlie and wanted a divorce._

_Renee hated me because I had ruined her life._

_Simply by being born._

"Bella?"

I shook my head, trying to ignore the images of an eight year old me.

Isabella Marie Swan.

The unwanted one. She was still there, buried deep inside me.

"Bella, what's that look. It's the same way you looked when we watched TV last night."

I didn't answer Edward and willed these feelings to go away. I had to keep my cool. I could not break down in front of him again.

"Bella? Is there something about Forks like there is about that church on TV? The Santa Maria Maggiore?"

_No! Don't speak that name. Don't ask me about that name. Don't make me remember, please._I begged silently as I focused on my tea. The brown liquid reflected my eyes and they betrayed how terrified I was.

"Bella, please. You were very upset last night. And you look very upset now. Please tell me why. Don't do that silent, unmoving thing, it frightens me. Talk to me. I just want to help you."

I shook my head and rocked my body back and forth. I had to fucking shake this. Bury the memories where they belonged.

But Edward wouldn't let me.

"Bella, who is Aro?"

* * *

**A/N: Some more insight into Bella's messy****(understatement)****past To clarify...large parts in italics are flashbacks. I put up the "FLASHBACK" in the middle part to double clarify, the other parts clarify for themselves.**

**References:**

**- Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore : http:/www(dot)sacred-destinations(dot)com/italy/rome-santa-maria-maggiore**

**Translations (I am not Italian. I have researched the translations and as far as I am aware they are accurate. But maybe an Italian would express certain things differently)**

**1st flashback

"_Andiamo, Isabella!" (Hurry up/let's go, Isabella!)_

_"Dobbiamo andare" (We must go)_

"_Ah, Isabella. Sei bellissima," (Isabella, you look beautiful)_

_**2nd flashback_

_"Buongiorno, Aro è bello rivederti" (Good morning Aro, it's good to see you again)_

_"Grazie," (Thank you)_

_"Mi benedica, Padre, perché ho peccato" (Bless me Father, for I have sinned)_

_"Isabella! Basta!"__(Isabella, enough!)_

_"Entra, è il tuo turno" ( Go in, it's your turn.)_

_"Isabella,_mi hai deluso" (Isabella, you disappoint me)

_"Tesoro" (Sweetheart)_

**Kudos:**

**Thank you to everyone who voted in the Avant Garde Awards!**

**!Bring on the Wonder is nominated for 3! Shimmer Awards for the summer quarter Adonis Award (Best Use of Edward) the Essence Award (Best Dazzled Moment) and Storyteller Award (Best Author) More info here: http:/shimmerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**!Bring On The Wonder is nominated for the Best Meadow Award (Best Edward/Bella moment) at the Eternity Awards. More details here:****the-eternity-awards(dot)webs(dot)com/nominations(dot)htm****Unlimited (but reasonable) votes can be send until July 5 to****the(dot)eternity(dot)awards(at)gmail(dot)com**

*** There was a problem with duplicate chapters 15 and 16. I fixed it. If you just started reading this story and noticed this, go back and read the right chapter 15 "Food For Thought" Thanks to ml-tigger for pointing it out.**

**To everyone who enjoys this story whether it's solely reading or also reviewing/recommending, thank you! It means so SO much. *bows down***

**Special shout out to my BETA and friend Parama. You should see the chapters before she turns them into grammar gems. Plus, she and I brainstorm aplenty and her opinions are very important to me :) She is also one of the creators of "All That Remains" by TheEdwardians (the author name alone is brilliant)**

**Check it out: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6723327/1/All_That_Remains**

**Plus, don't miss this one: "Avalanche" by Rose Masen Cullen http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6018011/1/Avalanche**

**Better stop, this A/N is turning into a snooze. Check out the recs and have a great week :)**

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	29. In God We Trust

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 27: IN GOD WE TRUST**

_"Edward….Edward."_

_Someone was calling my name. A soft alluring voice that beckoned me; a voice I desperately wanted to follow. _

_"Come with me…"_

_I was walking in what appeared to be a white fog, or maybe they were clouds, thick white clouds. It looked a little like how heaven was sometimes portrayed in movies._

_I couldn't make out the features of a face; all I saw was a pair of chocolate eyes with shimmering, golden specks in them._

_They belonged to my fallen angel. And I was confident she would lead me to where I needed to go._

_"Bella?"_

_"Trust me," the angel's voice whispered. "Everything will make sense if you follow me."_

_The path I was on was noticeably unclear but I just kept walking until I stumbled upon a white clothed figure._

_It was not the angel._

_It was Jacob. _

_"Jacob, you're here," I exclaimed._

_My best friend stood there smiling. He was still the same thirteen year old, not aged at all. Forever frozen in time. I looked myself over and noticed I was my thirteen year old self too. But then I realized the angel was gone. Had she led me here? To Jacob?_

_"Bella?" I whispered._

_"She's good looking, right?" Jacob grinned._

_I frowned, not understanding him. "She?"_

_"Bella, silly! She's hot!" he clarified when he noticed my confusion. "Duh!"_

_Bella? How could Jacob know about Bella? He had never met her._

_"Is this heaven?" I asked dumbly, thinking it sure looked like heaven, or at least the path to what could be heaven._

_Jacob shrugged. "Don't know. Could be. I don't like this area. Too plain, boring. And this fog itches, doesn't it? Anyway, back to Bella. I mentioned she's hot, right? "_

_It was strange that Jacob was so enthusiastic about Bella; he acted like a teenage boy fawning over a half naked centerfold (I had seen Emmett do that), pretending he had known Bella for years._

_I knew that people sometimes had lucid dreams; dreams where you were aware of the fact that you were dreaming. I figured I must be experiencing that now. There was no way this could be real because Jacob had never met Bella and while I currently looked like a thirteen year old, I understood that was my twenty three year old mind that knew this was a dream._

_"How do you know her?"_

_Jacob grinned. "Maybe I sent her."_

_"Edward…"_

_The soft voice was back._ Bella_ was back._

_"Looks like she is calling you," Jacob commented. "Man, I wish there were hotties like her around here."_

_"Hmm…" I mumbled, distracted._

_"Or…maybe she's your calling," Jacob mused. "I never really got that part. You know, who's calling who. I do know there are no telephones involved," he said teasingly._

_"My calling came when you died," I argued._

_Jacob shook his head, laughing dryly. "Be real, Edward. You're not thirteen anymore."_

_He gestured at me as I morphed into my twenty three year old self._

_This was definitely a dream. A confusing, riddle-filled dream._

_"What does all this mean?"_

_"What is it that people say? Dreams are meaningful?" Jacob suggested with a chuckle. "Or maybe you got the wrong call before."_

_"What do I do?"_

_Jacob rolled his eyes. "You were always blind to things. Marcy Lipner had a huge crush on you when we were ten and you didn't see it. You believed she thought you looked like a scrawny boy with chicken legs and wanted to fatten you up by bringing you Twinkies every day. But she was totally flirting. Hmm, I wonder how she is."_

_Marcy Lipner? What did she have to do with anything? I vaguely remembered the Twinkies – well, I remembered how Jacob always ate them, but Marcy had moved to California years ago and I hadn't thought of her since._

_"I don't understand…"_

_"No kidding. Just open your eyes. Wake up."_

_"Edward," the angel called out to me again and it felt like something touched me. It was definitely not Jacob because he stood a few feet away. And I could feel myself being pulled away from my best friend, who gave me a wave before literally vanishing into thin air. I knew I was about to wake up._

"Wake up," the voice called but it wasn't as soft and alluring as before. Maybe heaven had really good acoustics.

"Mom?"

Okay, I was reaching. If I was waking up and the voice demanding me to do so was real and in my room, then no way it could be Bella. Of course, there was no reasonable argument to assume it was my mother either. So I looked foolish in my half conscious state.

"No, I'm not your mom," the soft voice told me before shaking me again. "I'm the tooth fairy."

Alright, definitely not my mother. Glad to have that confirmed. But then…tooth fairy? Was this a joke? My barely conscious self was definitely full of questions.

"Tooth…fairy?" I croaked because my voice was thick with sleep. "But I didn't lose a tooth."

_Brilliant argument, Edward. You really have to wake up now._

I moved my head a little and slowly opened my eyes to determine what was going on.

I blinked again the light a few times until I lifted my head into the direction of the voice that was trying to wake me. I was surprised to find myself staring in the deep, brown pools that were Bella's eyes.

The angel in the flesh. Or was this still a dream?

"Morning, choirboy." She chuckled.

Not a dream then.

"I can guarantee that your neck will hurt like a bitc- a lot."

My neck? What did my neck have to do with anything?

"Bella?" I frowned. "Where's the tooth fairy? Is this a dream?"

The questions sounded silly as they left my mouth and I had no doubt Bella would find them amusing as well.

"Well, I don't know, do you dream about me a lot?" Bella continued teasing.

I pressed my face against my arm to hide a freshly spilled blush on my cheeks, hoping Bella hadn't caught it. I dreamed about her far more than she knew. Which was a good thing because she already teased me enough as it was.

"I...uh...what are you doing in my room?" I asked, hoping that her presence would have a reasonable explanation. I tried to remember how she could have possibly ended up here but then, she had been in my bed before so maybe….

"Look around sunshine," Bella interrupted my thoughts with a scoff and a smile. "You're in _my_ room. Butt naked too, might I add."

Her words caused me to shoot upright, instantly grabbing my neck because of the sudden movement. It felt stiff and full of knotted muscles. That explained the neck comment.

Upside, I wasn't naked. That's supposed to be an upside, right? I mean, I didn't want to be naked around Bella, did I?

Bella….tooth fairy. Right, she was full of jokes.

"Very funny... tooth fairy," I muttered, glaring a Bella. "I seem to be fully clothed."

"Alas, yes. Anyway, I couldn't help myself," Bella smiled. "You and nudity is an endless source of funny material."

"Glad I amuse you."

"You do amuse me with your innocence. So, how's the neck?"

"Stiff."

"That's what you get from sleeping in a chair."

I remembered now. Bella had begged me to stay with her and I had spent the night in the chair by her bed. I must have dozed off at some point and slumped over, which now caused my neck to hurt and apparently my brain to be so scattered.

I rolled my eyes. "I didn't have much of a choice, now did I?" It's not like I could have left her alone after she had begged me to stay.

"I have a sofa too," Bella suggested. "And this bed is more spacious than it looks," she added with a wink, causing my mouth to drop. Was she hinting that I should have slept in the bed with her? Why would she say that? And why did my mind wander for a second to thinking about what that would be like and then back to the naked truth that was me not being naked, so there should be no desire for me to be. I didn't want to be naked. No naked Edward.

Or Bella.

I needed _a lot_ of coffee.

"Of course if I had found you up close and personal, drooling all over my face, I would have clubbed you," Bella grinned, instantly taking away the tension, which relieved me.

"Says the girl whose stinky feet were near my face," I teased as I rose to stretch. Of course her feet didn't smell at all. But if she wanted to tease me, I would tease right back. It was better than thinking of inappropriate nudity issues, joke or not.

I noticed from the corner of my eye that Bella watched me intensely as I tried to get some of the soreness out of my neck and upper body. I didn't understand why she was so fixated on it though but perhaps she thought I looked frumpy in the morning. Good thing she couldn't read my mind. That would be an endless source of funny material for her right about now.

Then Bella averted her eyes and huffed. "My feet are not stinky," she muttered as she got up too.

I smiled before turning serious, remembering what a wreck she had been last night and why I had ultimately ended up with a sore neck. Sure, she seemed fine now but I hadn't forgotten the way she had acted the night before. It had been more than just an emotional outburst. She had looked so broken. Someone didn't just snap back from that and pretend everything was normal. Though Bella's teasing this morning did make it seem like she was able to separate the terror from the rest of her life. Or maybe she just had a lifetime of repressing the bad things whenever they bubbled up.

"How do you feel?"

"Fine," Bella mumbled. It was evident she was not going to share any more than that. The wall was back up.

"Fine? Really. After that meltdown last night, you feel fine?" I said incredulously.

Bella shrugged as if it was no big deal and that irritated me. How could she be so dismissive about something that had paralyzed her ten hours earlier.

"Bella?"

"I am fine, okay? No meltdowns," she said. "I'm sorry you had to see me like that last night. That was unfair to you. Thank you for staying with me, I appreciate it. I feel much better now."

I frowned but decided not to push further. There was no point. Bella was too stubborn to give in and I had no time to argue with her now.

"Okay, if you say you're fine then who am I to disagree."

That effectively ended our talk. Clearly Bella preferred to hide behind a façade instead of trusting me with an explanation. I knew that it would take time for that to change.

I could wait. Well, for a little while at least.

* * *

I left Bella's apartment after I reluctantly declined breakfast because I had to run home before my first class would start. Before I left we had agreed to meet up at the diner after my classes would end. I was pleasantly surprised that Bella had decided to go to work instead of running away from the conflicts that her colleagues apparently enjoyed to create. Once again it showed she was so much stronger than she gave herself credit for.

After my first two classes, I had a forty minute break, in which I called my mother because earlier this morning I had realized that my parents might still be under the assumption that I was at the Holy Spirit Center in Anchorage, Alaska. After all, I had never told them that my plans had changed.

And indeed, my mother was very surprised when I told her.

"Edward, dear, I'm not sure I understand. I thought you were going to Alaska for that retreat? You didn't go?"

"No, I didn't. Something got in the way," I said. "A change in plans."

"What happened?" my mother asked and I could hear the worry in her voice.

"No need to worry," I assured her. "I'll explain later. How are Emmett and Rosalie?"

"I visited them on Monday. Rosalie is truly not doing very well; she is closing herself off. Emmett is very worried about her. He hates that he can't be with her all day."

"Did Emmett go back to work?"

"Yes, he had to. That's one of the downsides of owning your own business. You can't stay away too long."

"That's true. I'll give him a call later to see how he's doing."

"Why don't you come over tonight instead? Emmett is having dinner with us; you can talk to him then and tell us what's been going on with you."

My mother sounded excited at the suggestion. I knew how much she valued our family dinners, therefore I hesitated in giving her an answer. Officially I didn't have any plans tonight, so it shouldn't have to be a problem to accept my mother's invitation. But I was supposed to meet Bella at the diner later and I didn't know if we were going to spend time together after.

What I did know, was that I wanted to spend another night with her and that I was getting past the shock of feeling that way. I wanted to spend time with Bella because I had feelings for her. I was still not sure what these feelings entailed but I was getting more comfortable with admitting them - well to myself - and indulging myself in acting on them a little on occasion.

And that was why I declined my mother's invitation and suggested a different time.

"I have plans," I said. "How about tomorrow night?"

"Alright, tomorrow is fine," my mother agreed. "I'll make a pot roast."

"Sounds good."

"Good. I'm glad you called, dear. Speaking of, have you spoken to your father about not going to Alaska?"

I hadn't talked to my father since I had called him to let him know that I was going to the retreat in Anchorage. Since the past few days had been such a rollercoaster, it had never occurred to me to call my parents to let them know I had never left Seattle.

"No, I haven't. Look, my next class is about to start. I'll see you tomorrow night, alright?"

"Alright, dear. Take care."

"I will. Have a good day, Mom."

* * *

After my final class of the day I went to the diner where I found Bella busy with clearing tables and cleaning up. I stood there, observing her for a while until she noticed me and called me out for "stalking" and showing up earlier than agreed. After some teasing back and forth I settled in to work on a school assignment while Bella finished her shift. The assignment focused on human behavior. I had to observe five random people for thirty minutes and describe their physical appearance; what they looked like, their mannerisms and how they behaved. I was trying to write a general analysis of that. I had no idea what the exact purpose was, but after seeing Bella's co worker, Nessie, acting superior around Bella, making it seem like she was incapable of doing her job, I decided to observe this foe of Bella's for a bit.

She was very predatory; like an animal stalking a prey, whether it was sexually when it came to men or with authority when it came to interacting with her co workers. She was, for example, just as mean to Bella's red haired colleague as she was to Bella with giving orders and she didn't seem to do any work herself. It was evident however, that there were plenty of insecurities underneath the enhanced and oddly plastic exterior.

I was done with my assignment a few minute before Bella's shift ended. Once she was changed back into her normal attire – it did not escape me that she was carrying MY hoodie – and it came down to deciding how we spend the evening, I practically demanded Bella to cook for me, which was a risky move on my part because she could have refused because of my forwardness. But thankfully she didn't and so we ended up cooking and eating Beecher's World's Best mac and cheese at my apartment. It truly tasted very good and I was pleased that there would be leftovers.

During cooking and eating we had talked about light topics and Bella had teased me aplenty about my lack of cooking skills while I had amused her by flushing red every time she made a comment filled with what seemed to be sexual innuendo.

The lightness of our conversation lasted a little after dinner when Bella looked over my assignment, while I made us tea. I sat down next to her once the tea was ready and served. The strange electricity between us hummed pleasantly when our legs brushed against one another because my sofa wasn't that big, but Bella was too focused on the fact I had used Nessie for my assignment that she failed to notice and comment.

"You watched Nessie for thirty minutes? I guess that explains why she claimed you were flirting with her."

I told her that was a ridiculous assumption on Nessie's part and explained why I chose her before Bella suggested to drop the subject.

I don't know at what point the mood shifted but everything changed when we got to talking about Rosalie and Emmett. I mentioned Rosalie would go to the small town of Forks to spend time with her family. Bella's reaction to that was more than surprising to say the least. Not only did she seem to have heard of Forks, but it also had an equally alarming effect on Bella similar to the TV showing the basilica Santa Maria Maggiore the day before.

This time though instead of freaking out, Bella went numb. And quiet. She was miles away and light-years back to something that still terrified her to this day.

As much as I hated to use her fragile mind to get some answers, I couldn't bear to see her suffer alone and in silence and so I had to ask about what was frightening her so much.

"Bella, who is Aro?"

The question instantly created more heaviness between us. For a moment, Bella looked hesitant; like she wanted to confide in me. But mostly there was a deep pain etched on her face. Like she had been kicked in the stomach. And still she just sat there, quiet and lost in the memories of whatever incredible trauma had damaged her so deeply.

It was a miracle she managed to function on a daily basis, given the unfathomable pain that had taken root deep inside her; a pain that I could sense every minute I was with her but could never wrap my head. But Bella was resilient. Whatever haunted her at night didn't seem to impair her during the day. To be able to shift between those emotions proved her strength. No matter how big the trauma, Bella still had the kind of strength I had never seen in anyone else.

"Bella?" I tried again. I hated to see her shield herself to the point where it was impossible for me to reach her.

"Bella please tell me," I begged. "Who is Aro? What has he done to you?"

Bella didn't speak. There were no tears, no struggle like the night before. Just a deafening and very frightening silence.

I reached out to touch her, to let her know I was here for her and that whoever this Aro was, he couldn't hurt her anymore. But when my hand brushed against Bella's arm with the purpose of comforting her, she jumped up like a wounded animal that had been cornered and started yelling.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed, as she moved farther away from me. "Don't you fucking touch me!"

"Bella," I said gently, hoping my voice would calm her, "It's alright. I won't touch you. I won't do anything. I just want to help you."

For a moment it seemed that Bella heard me; a deep sob escaped her and she doubled over, like she was in pain. Clutching her stomach she tried to compose herself but it was impossible. Her breathing became erratic and she started to hyperventilate.

"I don't want to remember," she cried. "You have to stop asking me!

"Please," she begged. "Please make it go away."

"Bella…." I said, approaching her with my hands to my sides so she could see I wouldn't touch her unexpectedly. "I will stop asking. But please tell me how I can help you."

Bella looked up and stared at me for a few seconds and in those moments I could read a world of fear and pain in her eyes. It was beyond my comprehension, beyond my power.

"You can't," Bella whispered. "No one can help me."

"Try me."

"No," Bella said, harsh and resolute. "You can't help me! I don't want it!"

"Bella..."

"I said NO!" she yelled before running out the door.

I went after her but she was fast. I could hear her running down the stairs and I struggled to catch up. I finally managed to reach the main hall of my apartment building where Bella was catching her breath.

"Leave me alone, Edward," Bella demanded frantically. "Let me go!"

"Bella, I don't want to scare you and I don't want to pressure you but you're upset. I don't feel comfortable letting you go home alone."

"I can't stay," Bella sniffed. "Please let me go home."

I was stuck with the dilemma of giving Bella what she wanted versus keeping her safe. My heart ached with the idea that she couldn't confide in me, that whatever troubled her was too much for her to put into words and share.

"Please, Edward," Bella begged me.

"Alright," I relented with a defeated sigh. "But promise to call or text me when you're home."

Bella nodded and then left.

I spent the next hour worrying about her, praying she would make it home safely. I also tried to make sense of her fear and her desperation to shut people out.

I knew so little about Bella, besides the fact she had consistently gotten extremely upset at the mention of three things. The basilica in Rome; the Santa Maria Maggiore, the mention of Forks and the mystery behind someone named Aro. Other than that she was a complete mystery. I did remember that during one of the group sessions Bella had mentioned that she didn't want to end up like her mother so maybe that factored into the trauma somewhere as well. As far as normal things from her past I knew little except for a tidbit about her father liking sports. But nothing else.

The more I tried to make sense of it, the more I tried to put these clues into the puzzling enigma that was Bella, the more frustrated I became.

The whole point of having a buddy in the Redemption Program was that she needed someone she could trust. If she didn't trust me, then how could I help her as part of the Program? Also, I was her friend and friends should be able to trust each other.

And Bella had run away from me again. That was very frustrating as well.

I struggled with my thoughts for a good hour until my phone buzzed once to alert me I had one new text message.

It was from Bella.

**Made it home. I'll see you tomorrow for group therapy. Night, Edward. Ps. I'm really sorry.**

I let out a sigh of relief, glad she was at least safe although it didn't give me any answers.

But I was determined to get them.

**I hope you can get some sleep. Goodnight Bella. I'll see you tomorrow.**

* * *

I woke up the next morning feeling exhausted because I'd had very little sleep. My night had been filled with the same dream I'd had the night before. Bella would beckon me to follow her and when I did she would lead me to Jacob who would tease and speak of callings and such.

But this time there had been a twist; the heavenly atmosphere had shifted to the horror of the accident that had taken Jacob's life. I'd had nightmares about this before; nightmares where I always failed to save Jacob. Except when I tried to save Jacob in this dream, his face would twist into Bella's. So I'd failed to save her as well.

The aftermath of my night made the frustration about Bella's problems and her unwillingness to share even bigger and that emotion continued to follow me when I went to the community center to meet up with Bella for our group therapy session.

I found her standing outside the community center, looking distracted. Her face was downcast and it wasn't until she looked up and spotted me that I could tell that she too hadn't had the best of nights. She looked exhausted.

I gave her a small wave before I reached her which caused her to smile a little. But her eyes looked dull and the bags underneath them led me back to my initial frustration. Why could she not confide in me? I wanted to lift her burden and make her feel lighter. Why couldn't she let me?

"Good morning," I greeted evenly.

"Morning," Bella mumbled.

"How do you feel?" I couldn't help but ask.

Bella's face morphed from timid to slightly irritated. "Fine," she muttered.

I wanted to scoff at her answer because it was getting old. I was tired and frustrated with my patience running very low. But I knew it wasn't the appropriate time to confront Bella and so I tried my best to stay neutral because I didn't like conflict for the sake of conflict and I did believe Bella's participation in the group session shouldn't be jeopardized by getting her upset from a possible argument started by me.

"Let's go inside, it's cold out here," I suggested.

Bella nodded and followed me inside. It turned out we were early because we were the first ones there.

"I hate group sessions," Bella complained as we waited in the lounge of the community center. "I still fail to see the point of them."

"I know you do."

"Plus, Doctor Whatshisface is a quack."

I knew she was trying to break the ice and take away some of the tension between us but my mood didn't leave much room for accommodation.

"So you keep telling me."

"Edward," Bella grumbled. "Stop doing the disinterested muttering thing. It's annoying."

"You know what's also annoying? When something from your past upsets you to the point you either get extremely upset and lash out or go apathetic and then when I ask you about it, you refuse to tell me anything. All I want to do is help you and you walk out on me.

…and it's not the first time you've done _that _either."

I sounded harsh and bitter because I could no longer keep it in. How was I supposed to help Bella when she kept shutting me out? And it irritated me that she was so blasé when I had experienced firsthand how she crumbled from the pain and heartache she was feeling. She could deny it, dismiss it and pretend it didn't exist in the safety of the things that didn't remind her of her past but I couldn't allow her to keep running from it. I would be a terrible friend if I ignored her troubles.

Bella was glaring at me and opened her mouth for what I assumed would be a snarky come back but before she could, Alice came bounding in and for once I was glad for the interruption.

"Morning, you two. Looks like you are the first ones here. If you want coffee, there's a fresh pot in the therapy room."

"I could sure funking use some," Bella muttered angrily before she excused herself and left.

"She's not a morning person," I shrugged when Alice gave me a questioning look.

"Hmm, sounds more like she's not an Edward person at the moment. What's going on?"

"We are just having a little argument about trust," I said dismissively.

"That's not a very little thing," Alice argued. "Trust is the base of everything."

"Well, it's between Bella and me," I said. This was not something I wanted to discuss with Alice.

But she was relentless.

"Jasper told me about what happened the other night. That Bella came to Cowgirls and left with some guy."

"She did." I nodded.

"You know, a setback like that is somewhat expected because hardly any person gets their life in order in one attempt. Lots of people fall off the wagon, some even multiple times. And Bella is susceptible to that behavior because of her direct surroundings."

"I know that," I interrupted. "But Bella didn't fall off any wagon. She is here, isn't she? Ready for a group session."

"Yes but come on, Edward; she LEFT with a guy. To have sex with him. Paid sex. Which she probably did. Just because she is here today and still willing to try, doesn't mean you can stick your head in the sand and deny that it happened..."

I snorted. There was no way for me to deny what had happened Monday night. I'd been there for the visual that I wasn't going to forget anytime soon.

"You know, if you two are really having trust issues, maybe we need to consider separate counseling sessions where you can talk about this."

More counseling? With individual and group sessions – both of which Bella hated – I knew I would never be able to convince her that adding more counseling would help her.

"I don't think that's a very good idea right now," I said. "Bella has plenty of counseling going on as it is. I don't want to put additional pressure on her."

"Fair enough. So, I take it the reason things are tense between you two has to do with what happened the other night. Jasper said you came to the club to stop her. That must have been some experience for you."

"It was new," I admitted. "But it's my responsibility to look out for Bella, so that's what I did."

"And now that she has reverted back to her old ways, even if just for a night, you are having issues with trust. It's understandable."

I shook my head, not enjoying the assumption Alice made. Bella and I had trust issues but surprisingly, they had little to do with what had transpired on Monday. And while it still bothered me immensely that I failed to stop her from having sex with that guy, I trusted Bella enough to not just idly believe but actually _know_ she would not do it again. The fact she had gotten back on the proverbial horse that was the Redemption Program by working at the diner and being here today for our group therapy session meant she was still serious about getting her life in order. And she had me to lean on for support.

And that was the exact reason for my frustration. Bella had me to support her but she didn't seem to trust me enough to let me in to see the parts of her that were broken. But if I didn't get to see those parts, how was I supposed to help her? Dealing with and trying to heal those broken parts was elemental to her recovery.

"I haven't reverted back to anything," Bella's voice sounded icy, as she came walking back in with two plastic cups of coffee, one of which she handed to me. "Whatever Edward and I are dealing with, is between us. Please go and meddle somewhere else."

I wanted to smile because I didn't often see someone put nosy-Nelly Alice in her place but to my surprise, Alice beat me to it. She smiled and gave Bella's arm a gentle squeeze.

"I am glad to hear that. You sound different…more…_reasonable_. Mature."

Bella frowned but decided against arguing. "Edward's sainthood must be rubbing off on me a bit," she said calmly.

"Maybe it is," Alice chuckled before she excused herself to welcome Doctor Eleazar, who had just entered, leaving Bella and I alone again.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to sound mean before. I just worry about you."

Bella flashed me a tiny smile but her lips barely stretched into one. "I know you mean well, I really do. But there are things that are mine. Feelings I can't… put into words and if you pressure me, I feel like I… like I will snap."

I wanted to say something but Bella walked away before I could. She didn't want to snap. I could understand that but the question remained that maybe snapping would be the ultimate thing she needed to do to move forward.

Our group session proved to be particularly challenging because, ironically, it was an exercise in trust.

"We have introduced ourselves and we have shared what we would like to accomplish with these sessions. Now, I'm sure you are all aware that your buddies simply want to help you and in order for that to work they want and need for you to trust them. And perhaps accomplishing this is the most essential goal in these sessions; open up and trust a person to help you with your recovery."

Bella was listening intently today. Normally she would roll her eyes and show her irritation very visibly but today she acted demure and respectful. There was that familiar nervous tick however, with the way she tapped her foot softly and drummed her fingers on her knee. But I knew better than to stop her by grabbing her hand. Touching her usually didn't go over well.

"But trust takes a long time to build and unsurprisingly it can be destroyed in an instant. Since it's such an important element in these sessions, your recovery and the chance of a new life, I want to do a trust exercise today."

He went to the white board to write something down.

**We learn to trust only by repeatedly taking personal risk**

"This is a very important mantra; one you must always remember, not just in the confines of these sessions but also in your everyday life. Unfortunately, all of you have experienced the negative effects of taking personal risks and it has made you very cautious. Your trust has been damaged over and over…

…however, that doesn't mean you can't trust people ever."

At that point he walked towards the back of the room, where two flip charts stood; positioned a few feet from one another.

One of them had the words 'Almost Always' written on it while the other read: 'Almost Never'.

"Okay, this exercise is meant to talk openly about your feelings, attitudes and level of personal trust. Now, it would be too easy to read out a statement and have you stand with the flipchart that represents your own level of trust. We will start with that to get a feel of the exercise but what I really want to know is how you assess your buddy's trust. See, if you think to understand their level of trust, perhaps it will create awareness in determining how well you believe you can trust them. If you're in sync with what their level of trust actually is, it might be easier to open yourself to trusting your buddy because you understand the way _they_ trust people.

"So, to start… I'll read out a statement and you'll decide for yourself where you want to stand. After that I'll read another one and then you have to stand where you think your buddy would stand. To clarify; buddies don't play this round, but I do want you to observe."

Bella rose, sighing. Her earlier concentration was rapidly being replaced with reluctance.

"This is so lame," she muttered.

"Just do it," I said. "It's a good exercise."

Bella shrugged but refrained from making a comeback.

Doctor Eleazar started by asking the participants the simple question; "Do you trust the predictions of your local TV weatherman?

"Remember, just the participants. George, Lisa, Jack and Bella; please go stand with the flipchart that represents your feelings."

"Seriously," Bella muttered as she started walking. "What the funk is this about."

George and Lisa went to stand on the 'Almost Always' side which indicated they believed what the weatherman would tell them. Jack was still standing near his chair – it was a surprise he was here today, given how he had claimed to care very little about participating in a possibly successful recovery – and he seemed to debate where he wanted to stand.

"Jack?"

Jack looked at Doctor Eleazar, shrugged and went to stand with George and Lisa. I believed he didn't care much either way. He didn't seem to be the type who would care much about the weather anyway.

Meanwhile, Bella had gone to stand on the 'Almost Never' side and while it shouldn't have surprised me that she wanted to show her defiant side by choosing the opposite of what her fellow participants had chosen, it saddened me to think her trust level might actually be that low.

"Bella, you are the only one standing on the Almost Never side. Can you share with us why?"

Bella stood there, chin up in recalcitrance. "Why should I trust a weatherman? What good or bad does he have to offer that it should influence my trust level?"

"Can you elaborate?" Doctor Eleazar asked curiously.

"Here's a man who tells us if it'll rain or shine. Whatever the outcome; it's a prediction. No more, no less. It shouldn't influence my personal level of trust and it doesn't."

I was astounded by Bella's explanation. Doctor Eleazar had asked a basic question and three of the four participants had decided to follow blindly and choose the obvious answer. While Bella was stubborn and liked to do the opposite of what was expected, it also showed she wasn't a follower. Of course, with her basic necessity for survival in everything she did, being a follower wouldn't have helped her out there on the streets.

"Look, I could have stood with the others but the outcome would still be the same. You can choose to trust the predictions or statements from someone who holds no power over you. Answering yes or no, never or always, won't change the fact this person has little importance in your life," Bella said. "So, it says very little about your level of trust. I trust the weather man as much as I do you and here I stand, doing this ridiculous exercise because you want me to. We all have the capacity to trust and we use it in measures we see fit. If there's no good reason to trust someone, a person won't."

Doctor Eleazar stood there, mouth a little agape. Bella had just psychologically analyzed his game.

"You make a very astute point. Unfortunately, when you claim we don't trust people we don't want to, you are forgetting about the fact the reason all of you have trust issues is probably because you once trusted people you shouldn't have. So the feeling of trust is not static; it changes and can be influenced in good or bad ways."

"Whatever." Bella shrugged. "Still makes the question if we trust a weatherman redundant."

"Well, shall we dive into the deep end then? Everyone go back to your chair. Now, I will read a statement and you will stand where you think your buddy would stand."

Everyone went back to their seats and Doctor Eleazar read out a new statement. "Do you trust that your loved ones have your best interests at heart?"

"Is that a question to answer with Almost Always or Never?" Molly wondered. "Could be interpreted as Yes or No as well."

Doctor Eleazar nodded. "Most questions could be answered that way. The point is to determine a level of trust. If you choose Almost Always your trust level could be high, while with Almost Never it might be very low."

"Fair enough."

"So… George, where would Mary stand? And Lisa, you decide for Molly."

Both hesitated but ended up choosing the 'Almost Always' side. Mary flashed George an approving smile, while Molly gave Lisa a thumbs up. I supposed that affirmed they felt their loved ones had their best interests at heart.

"Jack, Bella; your turn. Jack, where would Buck stand?"

Jack still seemed very bored but did what was asked and went to stand with George and Lisa. Buck gave a nod of approval.

"Bella, go ahead," Doctor Eleazar encouraged. "Do Edward's loved ones have his best interests at heart?"

Bella didn't look at him as she moved. Instead she halted in between the two flipcharts and flashed me an apologetic smile; a gesture I didn't understand.

"I'm going to stand here," she declared firmly.

"You have to choose a side," Doctor Eleazar pointed out.

"No, I have to determine a level of trust. Now, I guess Edward would in fact stand with the others, so I guess I'm ignoring your rules. But I think the level of trust is best portrayed in the middle."

"Because?"

"Because it would be wrong for Edward to assume his loved ones have his best interests at heart all the time."

And with that, she walked out.

I stood there for a few moments, trying to make sense of what Bella meant. Then reality kicked in and I went after her. Not just to prevent her from running as she usually did, but also to ask her why she had determined my level of trust that way, like she was deciding for me, rather than determine how I felt about that.

I found Bella outside, minus a jacket. Her eyes were closed and she was taking a few deep breaths.

"Bella?" I called. "Can you please explain what just happened there?

"And please no excuses or running off," I added.

Bella took one more deep breath and faced me. "Your dad told me at the hospital that I should consider releasing you from your responsibilities," she deadpanned without beating around the bush.

"What?"

"He obviously wants to go back to the way your life was before you met me. I guess he must really fucking want you to be the Golden Boy that fulfills the destiny he never could. And that priest guy you hang with is the same. They hate that you're helping me. They are freaking out, thinking that I might be a reason for you to choose differently."

She was definitely on fire with the analysis today.

"So that tells you they don't have my best interests at heart?"

"It does. If they truly cared, they would accept your choice to be a part of my life and let me be a part of yours."

* * *

_Bella doesn't believe my family has my best interests at heart. _It was with that sentiment I went inside my parents' house to have dinner with them that night.

_If they truly cared, they would accept your choice to be a part of my life and let me be a part of yours. _The words played in my mind over and over ever since Bella and I had finished the group session.

After the session we had gone our separate ways. It was the first time in days we didn't spend any time together for the remainder of the day and it had a numbing effect on me. I felt strangely empty and I hated how there was fresh awkwardness hanging between us now. It was tiring to always go one step forward and two steps back.

"Edward, I am so glad you're here," my mother greeted me with a hug when I stepped into the kitchen where I found her checking on the pot-roast in the oven. I gave her a kiss on the cheek in return and handed her the book about interior design I had bought with Bella at Pike Place Market.

"How thoughtful. I don't have this one in my collection." She beamed. "Thank you, dear."

I gave her a smile before going into the living room to greet my father. I was not completely surprised to find Emmett there as well.

"Hey little brother," he greeted me."How are you?"

"Fine, but more importantly; how are you? And how's Rosalie?" I asked.

Emmett gave me a sad smile, one that didn't reach his eyes. "I'm okay I guess. A little bummed that Rosie went to her parents early. She was supposed to leave on Saturday; I would drive her but she decided to go by herself this morning."

"I'm sorry about that," I offered.

"You must give Rosalie some time," my mother weighed in as she came into the living room with a tray filled with glasses of ice tea. "She was so very excited about the baby; it's very hard to let that go. She needs to come to terms with the pain she feels."

Emmett reached out to the table where my mother had set down the tray and grabbed a glass. He took a large drink before he answered. "I know, Mom. I understand she is in pain. But you know, so am I. I am hurting too. I know I wasn't as close to the baby as Rosie was and that it's different for mothers but it kills me to see her like this. I want to support her but it feels like she is slipping away from me."

I had never seen Emmett so helpless, so desperate. There was no sign of the funny, tough guy that I knew my brother to be.

"Rosalie is strong and tough," I said. "She will pull through. Just give her space and try to remind her often that you are on her side and that you love her."

"Trust me, I want to do that. I just hope she will let me. I feel helpless this way."

My father, who had refrained from offering his opinion until now, spoke up. "If you feel like you might need some guidance I'm sure Bob would be very willing to help you."

Emmett frowned and shook his head. "I don't see why I should. I mean, I'm sure it works for some people but honestly, I don't think it's for me."

"There's no harm in talking to him. He's been a friend of the family for a long time," my father countered. "He could help you with praying or counseling."

"Dad, I just don't feel comfortable talking to him, okay?" Emmett grumbled.

To my surprise, my mother chimed in to agree with Emmett. "Carlisle, please. I'm sure that Bob is very willing but if Emmett doesn't feel comfortable he shouldn't be pushed into it."

My father frowned; clearly he had expected my mother would agree with his suggestion. "I just want to help," he mumbled.

"I know, Dad," Emmett said hastily. "And I really appreciate it. But talking to a priest is more Edward's deal."

I pretended not to hear that but Emmett took that statement as an opening to change the subject to what was happening in my life.

"Speaking of, when can we expect our very own white collar in the family?" Emmett chuckled dryly.

"I am still in school, remember?" I muttered. "No white collar just yet."

"How is school, dear?" my mother wondered. "I can't believe it's your final year."

"It's going well," I said. "It's not as stressful as I had imagined."

"How's you dissertation coming along?" my father inquired speculatively. "I am very curious what your main topic will be. Have you decided yet?"

"It's about searching, finding and following guidance from a divine source," I told him.

"That sounds like a very interesting topic," my father offered. "I'd love to know more about your ideas on that."

My father smiled and I knew that in his eyes I was still that Edward. The son who'd become a priest some day. Something he could share with me. I thought about what Bella had said… that I was the Golden Boy and that my father was projecting his own dream of becoming a priest onto me without taking into account what I wanted.

Was Bella right?

How would my father feel if I chose differently? Would he still be proud of me? Or would I become a second Emmett to him? I knew it seemed harsh to diminish my brother like that and I had nothing but respect for him even if I didn't always understand his choices or beliefs, but my father had never been very close to his firstborn son. They seemed to have very little in common. I on the other hand had always shared my father's passion for books and thirst for knowledge. I had been the one to be intrigued by religion at a young age with a sense of faith that grew stronger as I grew older.

I was the one with the vocation. The one to become what my father couldn't A priest.

"Ugh, are you going to go into Dad's study after dinner to play Catholic Braintrust," Emmett teased, pulling me from my thoughts. "Seriously, watch some sports please.

"Be men," he added with a grin.

"There's no game on." My father smiled. "And you are welcome to join any discussion or brainstorm."

"Nah, I prefer sweaty men running after a ball of some kind."

"Very philosophical Emmett," I teased.

"Whatever little brother. I can be deep."

"Dinner is almost ready. Why don't you boys set the table," my mother suggested with a fond smile. I knew she loved these family interactions.

Surely _she_ did have my best interests at heart. She had nothing to gain from mind games, whereas my father might, if he truly wanted me to fulfill his destiny instead of choosing whatever made me happy. But then, I had wanted this for so long and I still believed I could lead a very fulfilling life following that path. Surely becoming a priest could make me happy. Then why was I hesitating now? What had changed?

"Setting the table," Emmett complained. "I feel like I am fifteen years old again."

"I'll help," my father offered as we went into the dining room. Emmett looked for my mother's best china while I looked for the silver wear.

"How's Bella?" he wondered while he pulled out plates and glasses from the oak wood cupboard.

I was busy grabbing knives and forks and turned only to meet my father's curious eyes. He seemed to want to know the answer as well.

"She's fine."

"I never got to say thanks for the fact she spent time in the hospital. Rosie said Bella was very nice to her," Emmett said.

"Bella doesn't need thanks. She felt very bad for Rosalie. And for you as well…

…unfortunately," I added, looking at my father intently, "she didn't feel comfortable with staying too long..."

"Hospitals freak me out too," Emmett agreed, unaware of the meaning behind my words. "No one would be happy to spend too much time there."

"No, especially not in such a hostile atmosphere," I said wryly.

My father gave me a poignant look but refrained from commenting. And then my mother came in with the pot roast and I decided not to ruin dinner with a heavy confrontation.

With dinner on the table, we all filled our plates and dug in. Like I had told Bella before, my mother was no all star chef. She could cook a proper meal and she loved and provided for us with her heart, but she didn't cook with her heart. Bella did. Even if she didn't know how to make something, she acted on instinct and managed to turn something as simple as mac and cheese into a gourmet dish.

"Oh, Edward," my mother told me in between bites. "I completely forgot to tell you that I absolutely adored Bella's chocolate cake for the bake sale. I bought a few slices and it tasted divine."

Internally I was beaming with pride which was a very strange sensation. And I couldn't even express my feelings or freely acknowledge them as such.

"I'll let her know." I smiled.

"I truly think she has a feel for it. She definitely missed her calling," my mother mused.

"She didn't just miss her calling, she took a prank call that led her to becoming a prostitute," Emmett commented. There was no malice or sarcasm in his voice. He was sincerely stating it as a fact.

"Not every calling has a purpose," I countered. "And sometimes we misinterpret a calling and it turns out to be something other than what we believed."

Emmett stopped eating, which meant he was really paying attention, and looked at me, puzzled. "O…kay. Are we talking about Bella or are you self projecting?"

"My point is that Bella can do whatever she wants. She's not tied to what she did in the past. And she is a wonderful cook, so maybe there's a bright future for her in the culinary field."

"Relax dude," Emmett said. "I have tasted Bella's food, remember? And it was pretty fantastic. No need to convince me."

Emmett grinned and I couldn't help but smile a little too. There was that awkward sensation of pride again. "You should taste her version of Beecher's World's Best mac and cheese. It's pretty amazing."

"Beecher's mac and cheese?" Emmett wondered eagerly. "Rosie buys those packages sometimes. Man, that stuff is good."

"Bella made it from scratch for me."

I couldn't help but feel a bit smug. Emmett was getting packaged, pre-prepared food while I got the home cooked, freshly prepared version.

Emmett's eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets. Anything related to food could get him excited. "For real? Lucky man!"

"Yes. Bella and I got the recipe from a shop lady at Beecher's the other day. Bella cooked it last night."

"Please tell me there are leftovers?"

Before I could answer affirmatively, my mother intervened.

"You had dinner with Bella? Is that why you couldn't make it to dinner last night?"

She didn't sound hurt or even surprised. In fact, it seemed like she was pleased.

"Yes… Bella had to work yesterday and I promised to stop by the diner. I had an assignment to work on and by the time I finished, Bella's shift had ended and well… we both had to eat, so…"

While my mother and Emmett listened intently, I watched from the corner of my eye how my father picked at his food. He didn't join in on the conversation but I was certain he had his thoughts about what I had shared and that he couldn't wait to share them.

"Dude, leftovers," Emmett whined. "Now that Rosalie is gone for who knows how long, I need to be fed. If you don't hook me up, I will stalk Bella myself."

"Come by tomorrow," I suggested. "I'm pretty sure there's plenty left for two."

The rest of the dinner was filled with general conversation topics, like politics, sports and the weather. My mother shared her plans for Thanksgiving in two weeks and my father spoke of a new clinical trial for cancer they were starting at the pediatric ward and a charity ball intended to raise more money for that which would take place between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

After dinner, my father asked me to come into his study while Emmett volunteered to help our mother with the dishes. I offered to help too but both argued it was unnecessary and I was alert enough to see that Emmett wanted to spend some time talking to Mom about his feelings on losing the baby and Rosalie's problems without an audience.

Plus, I had a bone to pick with my father. I had to know why he had suggested to Bella that she should let me go as her buddy. And I was certain he had questions and – unsolicited - advice for me as well.

As soon as we entered his study and he was seated behind his desk, he spoke. I felt a wrist slapping coming on.

"I was surprised when your mother told me you called her yesterday morning and told her you hadn't gone to Anchorage after all. I thought you were going to the Holy Spirit Center for a retreat?"

"I was. But then something got in the way."

My father rolled his eyes. "Something or _someone?"_

I wasn't in the mood to defend my actions because I didn't feel there was any need. Nor did I owe it to my father to explain my decisions.

"I have responsibilities as a buddy in the Redemption Program. So if Bella needs me, I'll be there."

"So she was in trouble?"

"She needed some support and that's what I did; support her."

"Are you still planning to go to Anchorage?"

I shook my head. "Not anytime soon, no."

"May I ask why you wanted to go in the first place?"

I sighed. "I needed time to think; get some perspective."

"But not anymore?" my father asked.

"Everything is much clearer now."

The tension in the air was thick. I had never felt such resistance while talking to him.

"Edward, I have to ask; that comment you made earlier about misinterpreting a calling… were you self projecting like Emmett pointed out?"

In a way I had been. I was very much aware of how Kate's words had made an impact and left their mark. But was I really considering them as a new truth? The prospect of becoming a priest had always filled my heart with joy and light, but now there was a hint of a shadow when I considered it.

Had I misinterpreted my calling? If so, what did that mean? Kate had reminded me that I could choose differently. That I didn't have to be a priest to be active as a loyal follower of God.

And I hadn't completely dismissed the thought. I had actually sort of embraced it.

"I… maybe…"

"You no longer believe it's your calling to become a priest?"

"I don't know. I just realized I have options," I explained.

My father let out one harsh laugh. "You've always had options. But never did you stray from you vocation. Never until now."

"Of course," he mused – and his voice sounded tired, "there was never someone who could make you stray from you path either. Until now."

"What does that mean?"

"Earlier, when you and Emmett spoke of mac and cheese and he told you Rosalie bought those packages from Beecher's, you were boasting that Bella made it herself."

"And that is relevant how? I was simply stating a fact. I wasn't boasting."

"Edward, you were speaking as if Bella is your partner, the way Rosalie is Emmett's."

"No, I was stating a fact. Bella cooked me dinner. I was sharing that," I countered because the assumption was ridiculous. I wasn't comparing Rosalie and Emmett's relationship to mine and Bella's. They were married; we were friends.

"So it's that simple. You cancel a trip to help Bella. You spend a day with Bella. Bella cooks you dinner. That's it. She's not the reason you suddenly doubt your calling?"

"Is that why you advised her to release me from my responsibilities as a buddy? Because you worry that she IS the reason?"

"Is she?"

"I am not sure where I stand on my calling. I just know that for the time being I am devoting my time to my studies and helping Bella. By the way, I would very much appreciate it if you would stop harassing her about that."

My father raised an eye brow. "Harassing her? Is that what she said?"

"No, Bella was far more courteous when she told me about the way you pointed out how important becoming a priest is to me during your chat at the hospital. I use the word harassment because you have been nothing but disrespectful to her."

"Well, at least the girl has some sense. Although it would appear becoming a priest is no longer that important to you, so I guess she managed to influence you on that, even if it's indirectly and not deliberately."

My father sounded so disappointed and it sparked an equal emotion inside me. I was disappointed too. Disappointed at the thought that in my father's eyes I truly was the Golden Boy Bella had described and that no other future but becoming a priest would ever be good enough.

"Wow," I said. "Bella was right…"

"About what?"

"You would rather I follow this calling, instead of being happy because you want me to fulfill the dream you couldn't. I have to become a priest because you had to give that up when you met mom."

My father's eyes went wide. He looked shocked. "Is that what you believe?"

"Are you telling me that's not true?"

My father shook his head frantically. "I want my sons to be happy, first and foremost. Yes, it would make me proud if you honored and followed your calling because it was always YOUR dream, your ambition. Not just mine although I have been very pleased and perhaps overly supportive of it.

"I am no fool, Edward. I know life can change in an instant. It happened to me. I met your mother and never regretted marrying her and changing my plans."

"So why would it be terrible if I did the same?" I said passionately. "You still practice your faith. You have an important role in bringing others close to God. Why shouldn't I be allowed to make a different choice; follow a different path?"

"Is that where you think you're headed?"

"I just want the option without being vilified. Without you being determined to change my mind or be disappointed when I choose differently."

My father shook his head and to my surprise he even had a small smile on his lips which contrasted with the assumption he was disappointed in my admission.

"Remarkable," he murmured.

"What is?"

"Let me ask you something, and as I do, let us put aside your calling, whatever it may be, for a moment. Now, would it be fair to assume that you and Bella spend a lot of time together?"

"Yes we do. The program requires it."

"Is it just that or do you enjoy it too?"

I frowned. What a silly question. Of course I enjoyed it. Very much so.

"I like spending time with Bella."

"Do you miss her when you're not around her?"

I thought of how her absence had recently started to make me feel strangely empty, like a part of me was missing. It wasn't a vital part _yet_ but I could see how spending more and more time with Bella would only strengthen the feeling.

"There is this strange heaviness when we're apart. But maybe that's because I worry about her. Her new life isn't easy for her and I can't help her when we're not together."

"Do you find her physically attractive?"

While I couldn't tell my father my body definitely responded to her beauty, I couldn't lie about the basic attraction either.

"She's very beautiful."

The most beautiful girl I knew.

"So you are attracted to her, you like spending time with her and you miss her when she's gone."

"I suppose."

"And you referred to Bella and yourself as 'we', plus you are reconsidering your calling…"

It wasn't a question.

"Possibly?" I hesitated, taken aback by my father's forwardness.

"Edward, I hope you realize what this means?"

"I'm… not _sure_..."

What was my father getting at?

"Son, I believe you are falling in love with Bella…"

* * *

**A/N: All the "psycho-babble" by Doctor Eleazar in this chapter is made up, though I like to believe it holds some truth. However, the "Almost Always/Never" exercise is often used as a trust-exercise. Now, I know many of you hoped Bella would open up to Edward but IMO that wouldn't have made sense at this point. Those things are only beginning to surface after she pushed them down for so long. She can barely think about Forks, Italy etc without going catatonic, let alone talk and explain to Edward. But rest assured, it'll happen.**

**The end of this chapter shows Carlisle is not a bad person. He is not on the Bella bandwagon because of many reasons but he isn't a monster either. **

**Kudos:**

**Thank you so very much to everyone who voted in the Avant Garde Awards! Bring On The Wonder WON Must Read! ****Banner: http:/i53(dot)tinypic(dot)com/jku150(dot)png**

******Special thanks and hugs to my BETA Parama. I keep telling her that BOTW is her story as well but she's too humble to agree. But it's true. A story is nothing without a BETA who corrects your then from than and also helps brainstorm. She's the best! **

**- Bring on the Wonder is also nominated for 3 Shimmer Awards for the summer quarter Adonis Award (Best Use of Edward) the Essence Award (Best Dazzled Moment) and Storyteller Award (Best Author) More info here: http:/shimmerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**Voting starts July 8.**

**And Bring On The Wonder is nominated for the Best Meadow Award (Best Edward/Bella moment) at the Eternity Awards. More details here: ****the-eternity-awards(dot)webs(dot)com/nominations(dot)htm** Voting is closed, thanks to everyone who voted!

**To everyone who enjoys this story whether it's reading quietly or also reviewing/recommending, thank you! It means SO much.**

**Back to writing the next chapter. (For those waiting for an EI 2.0: Blood Ties update...that one is coming soon too)**

**Have a great week!**


	30. Grey

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 28: GREY**

"Bella, it's good to see you."

I was sitting across from Doctor Carmen on the sofa that would be my fucking pyre for the next hour, fighting the very strong urge to roll my eyes against the cheerful 'professional' greeting. I mean, even if she hated seeing me, it's not like she could tell me that. She was certified and obligated to be nice to me. Plus, I was sure she got paid a buttload for it too.

But since I was trying to do better and not act bratty all the time with her - no matter how much I hated the brain analysis, it was not her fault that I was so fucked up in the first place - I gave her a quiet hello.

"Morning, Doc."

She gave me a smile that said she was all business. Whipping out her notepad, she wasted no time on pleasantries.

"May I comment that you look a little tired?"

Way to get straight to the fucking point. Now I _had to_ roll my eyes. Any fucking moron could see I was tired if they took one good look at the gigantic bags under my eyes. You didn't need a PhD for that.

And the fact Doctor Carmen brought it up, made the exhaustion that much more prominent. The feeling quenched every bit of poise and patience I had tried to muster up.

"If I say no and deny it, it wouldn't make a fucking difference, would it? You already threw your opinion in," I grumbled.

Doctor Carmen smiled that professional condescending smile. "Fair enough. I suppose if I ask you why you are tired, you won't give me an answer."

I was in no mood to play word games or Twenty Questions. I was too tired and distracted. "I am tired because I don't sleep well."

"I see. And are you just physically tired or also emotionally?"

"Both."

"Physically tired because your body isn't getting enough rest?"

Fuck me; she _was_ going to play twenty questions. Just my lucky day.

"Duh," I muttered.

"And perhaps your emotional exhaustion is fed because your body is tired, meaning you are more irritable because you can't get enough rest, therefore your patience is running low?"

Seriously, did she get her degree online? Even I could dissect this shit.

"That would be duh again."

I expected Doctor Carmen to drone on and on about that but instead she leaned closer to her coffee table to pour me a glass of water. Once she was done she set it down in front of me. It was almost a nice gesture. What surprised me even more was that she didn't go back to drilling me about my sleeping issues.

"How's the job hunt? Last time you shared something about a waitressing job; how did that work out?"

"I started on Monday," I answered. As Doctor Carmen wrote that down I grabbed the glass of water from the table and took a large sip. The water felt refreshing and cool in my throat.

"And, how is it going?"

I wanted to lie or brush her off, and under normal circumstances I would have retorted with some sort of snarky comment or whatever but my sleep deprived self fucking yearned to talk, to spill some of the emotions I'd been holding inside.

"Oh, I don't know," I muttered. "The manager is invisible and his eyes and ears are as fake as a Barbie doll in a toy store. The cooks are pervs and the only coworker I might have had a chance to get along with calls me a human dishwasher and refuses to really acknowledge me. All in all, fucking good times."

The woman across from me was writing furiously. Every word from my mouth had been noted. I wondered if she got off on knowing other people's problems or if she genuinely cared. Whatever it was, I hoped it would give her major carpel tunnel.

"Can you explain what you mean by 'his eyes and ears are as fake as a Barbie doll'? Is that a metaphor?"

I sighed. Of course she wouldn't understand me when I described my favorite coworker like that. But my frustration about Tits made it hard for me to see her as a person or talk about her without using sarcastic comments or fucking metaphors about plastic people.

"Her name is Vanessa but I swear she calls herself Nessie. Like, why would someone refer to themselves as an equivalent of the Loch Ness monster? And her boobs, ass, skin color, nails and hair are all fake. I call her Tits. Well, in my head mostly. Not to her face."

"I see. So, she has enhanced her looks cosmetically?"

"More like killed her looks, but yes."

"And you call her derogatory names because you disapprove?"

"I call her that because that's what she is to me. A fake person with a terrible attitude."

"What makes her attitude so bad?"

I rolled my eyes. My blood was starting to boil as I listed off the many things that made Tits such a vile person.

"She's a bitch. Not just to me but to the other girl I work with too."

"The one who calls you a human dishwasher?" Doctor Carmen interrupted.

"Yes. Anyway," I continued," Tits – Nessie… she thinks she is better than everyone. Mr. Call – he's the manager – is never fucking around and I guess he has appointed her to keep an eye on things in his absence and she thinks that means she can boss people around while she sits on her implant ass-cheeks."

"Is that all?"

"Is that not enough?" I muttered.

"Well, Bella, she definitely doesn't sound like the nicest person in the world but if the manager gave her certain responsibilities then she must follow them. And…" she held up her hand to stop me from interrupting, "while her behavior in terms of collegiality leaves a lot to be desired and should be corrected by the manager – especially if she orders around without setting the right example by working herself – I am curious to know if there's more that frustrates you. Is there?"

Crappy shrinks and their ability to see through people.

"She knows about my past," I admitted with a deep sigh. "She teases me about it and has threatened to tell Mr. Call."

"The manager doesn't know?"

I shook my head. "He knows I am part of a rehabilitation program and it took some persuasion to hire me, so I guess he does know I am multiple shades of fucked up but he doesn't know any details."

"And what bothers you more? The teasing or the fact she holds this threat over your head?"

"The teasing I can handle, I mean 'Ha-ha, Bella is a whore,' please… I have heard and seen much worse. But it bugs me that while I am busting my ass off and really trying to change and stuff, she sits there being hateful and fueled with the desire to make me look bad."

"It's not a great place to be in, is it?"

"No, no it is not."

"How do you deal with her teasing? Do you retort or do you bite your tongue?"

I was sure that Doctor Carmen would psychologically bitch-slap me with some shrink wisdom if I admitted I had given Tits a piece of my mind a few times but I didn't care. She deserved whatever verbal attack I had unleashed on her.

"I may have talked back a few times to defend myself," I sighed."So, go ahead, tell me that was the wrong thing to do."

But to my surprise Doctor Carmen shook her head and expressed the opposite of what I had expected.

"If she mistreated you and you pointed out that behavior to her then there's no need for me to correct you. In general, Bella, I am not here to correct you, even if you perhaps feel that way. I just want to help."

"Yeah, yeah whatever," I shrugged.

"I want to ask you something Bella and I know it will be difficult to answer and that you'll be very reluctant about it, but try to be open minded."

"What is it?" I asked, my voice shaking a little. The way she posed the question and looked at me, grave face and all, told me that whatever she was about to say was something far beyond talking about Tits and the diner. That stuff was easy; I could handle being open about it because it was shallow chit chat compared to the things that actually haunted me.

"You said that teasing you about your past 'career'" she even fucking air quoted, "doesn't bother you; that you're used to it. But also that you've heard and seen much worse. Now, if I ask you what it is you've seen that was so much worse than being teased about being a prostitute, will you flip me the bird or use an expletive to tell me off like you normally do when someone gets too close to the source of your issues?"

"I never flip the bird, I have some class," I scoffed quietly, feeling cornered because Doctor Carmen read me so well.

"Actually, Bella, I think you have a lot of class. I told you before that I don't believe in the façade of your tough words and cursing. I think you have taught yourself that as a defense mechanism to look strong and untouchable. You are clearly very smart and I think you could be very articulate."

I bit my tongue and focused on the grey carpet beneath my feet as a beacon of comfort and concentration. I tried to block the memory of a time when cursing would have been repaid with the worst of punishment.

"Bella, what are you thinking about right now?"

Damn voodoo doctor. Evil mind reader.

"I… just… some other time," I mumbled. I bit my lip and tried to refocus my attention but it was impossible. The lack of sleep, the recurring nightmares and memories opened up things inside me, causing that carefully built wall to show some major cracks, shaking in its foundation.

"Some other time what? Are you thinking of some other time? A time where perhaps you didn't curse. Where you didn't have to curse to try and scare people off?"

I snorted as I choked back tears and tried desperately to hold on to the shred of reality that the plain grey carpet gave me. Grey was good and fucking safe. Grey was nothing out of the ordinary. Not demon black or angel white. Just grey. Plain and normal.

I wanted to be grey.

"I wasn't allowed."

"What would happen if you did?"

"I would get punished," I said simply, as if it meant nothing. Most of the time I had known better than to break Aro's rules. There was no room for misplaced curse words or outcries for help. I was just the teenage girl that he had claimed to be his in such disturbing ways.

Only a few times I would try my hand at rebellion with some small defiant gesture, like talking to Demetri when I wasn't allowed or sneaking out to the kitchen to grab some milk when I was supposed to be in my room. But mostly, it didn't matter. Aro owned me and sought rebuttal and punishment whenever he pleased. Every moment was penance. A golden prison.

"And did you get punished a lot?"

I nodded as I felt the wetness on my cheeks. Fuck, she had me crying. I couldn't talk about this anymore unless she wanted me to have a real mental breakdown.

"Stop!" I more begged than demanded but the intent was clear.

She couldn't make me talk about this if I didn't want to. Neither her professional voice nor the yellow stained diplomas on her walls could make me talk if I didn't want to. I wasn't ready. Not now and maybe never.

"Okay, we'll stop," Doctor Carmen said. She grabbed a small box of Kleenex and held it in front of me. I took a handful.

"Let's talk about something else. How's Edward? He's your buddy in the Redemption Program, right?"

I nodded. As my mind refocused and thoughts of Edward entered it I felt myself getting calmer, wishing he was here with me even if I didn't want him to know my secrets. I knew that Edward hated that I had broken down in front of him but still shut him out.

Edward thought that by doing that I showed that I didn't trust him. And I guess in a way he was right. I wanted to trust him but I was just fucking terrified that if he knew about the fucking despicable things that had happened to me, things I had contributed too willingly, he would be disappointed with the weakness I had showed by never putting a stop to it. I mean, I may not have enjoyed it one fucking bit but I had never tried to stop it either, not until the end, so that basically fucking equaled consent, didn't it? Edward had told me that he was proud of me, proud of the strength I showed. He was the only one who truly believed in me; in my potential. If he knew how easily I had let Aro do the unspeakable things he'd done to me, how weak I really was, he would realize his faith had been misplaced and the thought of disappointing him and losing that faith terrified me because I needed Edward's support and more importantly, I needed his fucking belief in me, even if I might not live up to it in the end. All I could do was try and get better, so that maybe someday his belief in me would actually be justified on some level.

Another thing I worried about was the idea that if Edward knew all the gory details of what Aro had done, he would want to seek justice by trying to find Aro which could get him hurt in the process. Or _worse_.

"Is Edward supportive?"

"Yes. He's a great friend."

"How does he feel about your past as a prostitute?"

I frowned because I realized I had never really asked him that specific question. I had always looked at the differences between us: heaven and hell. Sinner and saint. But I didn't really know how he felt. I was convinced I probably didn't want to know. It was bad enough he had experienced 'a night in the fucking life of a whore' just a few days ago.

"I'm not sure. He's very supportive as a buddy and he seems to respect me but we've never really talked about that."

Instead he had gotten the Special Show and Tell.

"Is he fully aware of what your former life was like? I am not talking about the things that hurt you the most; the secrets you keep hidden away, but your life as a prostitute? It's very important that he realizes where you came from and where you want to go and how hard it is to cross that bridge."

"I think he tries hard to be supportive and doesn't push me, well most of the time."

"But some of the time?"

"He wants to help and takes this very seriously. He is the one who pushed for the job at the diner."

"But it wasn't your choice? And now you are unhappy there?"

"That's not Edward's fault," I countered angrily, insulted she would insinuate that it was Edward's fault the diner job sucked so much. "He's been nothing but great to me!"

Doctor Carmen held up her hands and smiled. "I believe you. All I am trying to point out is that you have the power and the strength to make your own decisions. And having a friend like Edward, someone you can trust on some level is wonderful and helps you a great deal. It's just that with the changes that you want to make, you mustn't lose your power of self determination. If there's one thing you have always done, even in your old life, it's making your own decisions."

"I chose to be a whore. Some decision that was," I said mockingly.

She chuckled. "Well, it may not be the best one but what I am trying to explain is that you need an element of control. Edward can help you but he's not here to solve your problems for you."

"So, what are you saying? That I need to do everything alone?"

"Of course not. More than ever you need friends. But I don't want all these changes to cripple you from making choices and decisions. Your ability to judge situations or choices doesn't have to be faulted just because you made some questionable decisions in the past."

Her words were becoming mush and I was getting bored with the advice she was giving me. Plus, I had already shared a butt load more than I would on any other day, so it was starting to become an overload and I was feeling more exhausted than I had when I came in this morning.

I stifled a yawn behind my hands which Doctor Carmen caught.

"I think we better wrap this up. We'll set up a new meeting for next week. Same time works for you?"

"Sure."

"Bella, I want to thank you for being so frank today and I think you should be proud of yourself," she complimented me. "I know it's not easy for you to open up and let people in. But I am glad you're trying."

I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable by her genuine words. Guess she wasn't all business after all.

"And please remember this: you are strong. And you can have control in your life without being on your knees or whatever metaphoric description works for you."

"Not a metaphor, doc," I said as I opened the door. "It's very much true."

"I know. Just know you are worthy. Have a good week, Bella."

I nodded before walking out.

* * *

On Saturday I woke up early after another night filled with ghosts of fucked up life past and present.

Frustrated and keyed up I decided to head downtown for some budget grocery shopping. After taking a water saving shower that lasted no more than a few minutes, I got dressed in faded blue, skin hugging jeans and a black sweater. I didn't take time to blow dry my hair and twisted it into a loose bun instead. I made myself some tea and toast and ate while I looked over the budget I had reserved for shopping.

I had about thirty bucks to spend and with that I was hoping to buy stuff that would last me a week, maybe even a little longer if I used the 'privilege' to eat diner food on the days I had shifts. That was a perk; one I definitely had to use to my advantage. Any meal I could get for free was one less buck I had to spend on food and while this charity stuff pissed me off, I had to accept that I was living off a tiny budget now.

I stared at the thirty bucks in my hand and momentarily realized that I used to make double or triple in one night just by sucking a few cocks and fucking a couple of guys.

The easy life with a high moral price to pay. Not so long ago I'd wanted to go back because it was the life I was familiar with. But things were changing. And I wanted to be different.

Grey. _Normal. _I sighed. Normal was going grocery shopping with thirty bucks on a Saturday, enduring groups of people in the vicinity that was a Thriftway.

With that mission I put on my chucks and grabbed my messenger bag. Looking for a coat, I noticed that Edward's hoodie was hanging on the coat rack by the door.

Hmm, had I not returned it on Thursday?

Guess not. Of course, on Thursday I had been too busy analyzing his family dynamics in front of a bunch of relative strangers that the sharing and possible return of clothing had never come up. And without having a clue as to when I would see him again - or rather, when he would WANT to see me again, I decided I would wash the hoodie later - like a peace offering, before giving it back to him.

I grabbed a thick wool black coat from the coat rack and put it on. I had gotten it on a discount two years ago and it served its purpose well by keeping me toasty warm in the bitter November cold.

I took my messenger bag, slid it over my shoulder and opened the door before locking it behind me.

I was heading for the stairs when the door to Angela's apartment opened and none other than Ben stepped out.

Hmm, if he was slipping out before eleven, could it be that he had spent the night? That would be pretty great for Angela.

"Ben, hi," I greeted him neutrally. At the sound of my voice Ben turned and Angela poked her head around the door frame to see who was greeting him.

"Bella, good morning," he greeted me in return. He didn't sound mad or extremely happy. His greeting was pleasant enough but nothing over the top.

"Bella, hey," Angela greeted me with a coy smile. It didn't escape me that she was in her robe which was another clue that pointed at Ben spending the night.

"Morning, Ang."

"Where are you headed this early? Got a hot date with Edward or something?" She winked.

I rolled my eyes but was relieved Angela seemed to keep things casual and light. Well sort of.

Edward and I didn't have any hot dates. Nor hot… or date. Period.

"Hot date?" Ben asked curiously. "So you and Edward are finally dating then? Can't say I am surprised really. He seems to be the only one who can tame you," he added with a chuckle.

Huh? Ben thought we were dating and more importantly, _it made sense_ to him that we were?

_I_ was trying to make sense of _that_ when I noticed Angela covering her mouth with her hand. Clearly, she was trying not to laugh.

I gave her an angry glare but it was too late to stop her. When I shot her another dirty look she couldn't hold it in. Happy giggles escaped her lips.

"What?" I hissed.

"Your face, it's priceless." She grinned.

Ben stood sheepishly between us, wondering what could be so funny to Angela. "What?" he said. "Did I say something wrong?"

Angela shook her head, still smiling. "No, sweetie. You have been very observant. It's just that Bella and Edward aren't actually dating." She chuckled.

"They are in denial," she pretend whispered, keeping her eyes on me.

"I see." Ben grinned. "Maybe we should make a bet, see who caves first."

"Good idea, although I think they are both very stubborn in their own right when it comes to this particular thing."

"Uh, hello," I protested loudly. "I am right here. And no, I am not meeting Edward; I am just going to get some groceries. Also, we're not dating."

"See, denial," Angela quipped to Ben. "Stubborn mule in denial."

"Did you just call me a mule?" I huffed.

"I did," Angela said with a twinkle in her eyes. I was happy she seemed so happy but I wasn't thrilled with the fact she was teasing me about dating Edward.

"Well, ladies it's been intriguing but I have to go," Ben announced. "Angie, I'll see you later, okay?" he said before he leaned in and kissed her on the forehead.

The gesture was intimate and I envied it. I wanted my best friend to have all the fucking happiness in the world and it definitely looked like Ben provided it but it also reminded me of what I would never have.

As Ben turned to say goodbye to me, I realized this was the first time I had seen him since the debacle at the carnival.

"Ben, wait," I stopped him. "There is something I've been meaning to say."

"What's that?" Ben wondered, a friendly smile playing on his lips. I had to hand it to the guy; he didn't seem the type to hold grudges.

"I want to apologize for what happened at the carnival. If it hadn't been for my big mouth, Angela would have told you in a less dramatic setting."

"It was definitely not the best way to find out," he agreed, "But it's not your fault. Nor Angela's. But thank you for apologizing."

"Yeah, sure."

"Well, I really have to go now," Ben announced. "I will see you girls later. Good luck with that denial Bella," he teased before planting a kiss on my best friend's lips. The he backed away and sprinted down the stairs.

"Thank you, Bella," Angela said. "For apologizing."

"It had to be done," I shrugged.

"Well, I appreciate it."

"Enough to explain that little stunt just now? Ben thinks Edward and I are dating. Now where would he get that idea?"

"Hey, look… I am just observant, as is Ben. I mean, you spend a lot of time with Edward and you wear his clothes. He comes out of your apartment at the crack of dawn," she started summing up. "He is around often and he has seen you at your worst. And that didn't make him run for the hills.

"Kind of like Ben," she mused.

"Ben is your boyfriend," I pointed out. "Of course he does those things."

Angela grinned a little too widely. _Too_ pleased with herself. "Exactly, Ben _is_ my boyfriend. So tell me: _what_ is Edward to you?"

* * *

Walking through the small Thriftway, I found that I still fucking hated shopping, unless Edward was here to distract me with his minimal knowledge of food and silly trivia. Therefore, I rushed through the aisles as fast as possible, trying to avoid and ignore crying babies in prams and their fucking - blabbering in their cell phones- mothers.

I filled my basket with a loaf of bread, teabags, yoghurt and some apples and oranges. Also a bag of carrots, broccoli and a large pack of couscous; it was cheap, you didn't need much to serve up a decent portion and it was very nutritious. I decided against buying meat this week because there was nothing on discount and I figured that I could try and get some ham and eggs for lunch at the diner if I wanted to get in some iron and proteins. I also bought toilet paper, soap, detergent and a pack of three pairs of socks that I found in a discount bin.

After finding my way to the register and making it through the whining of two women in line without verbally slapping them, I paid for my groceries and was pleased that I even had five bucks left that I could put away in case of an emergency. Well, not that fucking five bucks would get me far, but more than ever saving five lousy dollars was important. I had some savings left from the money I had made on the streets but I had put that away in case of a real emergency. One that luckily hadn't presented itself so far.

I was about to head back to the bus stop with my bag of groceries - which was quite heavy - when I heard someone holler my name.

Yes, holler. Not yelling or calling out. It was a booming and very familiar voice that loudly demanded my attention.

"Bella!"

I turned and to my fucking surprise I was being greeted with almost exuberant waving by no other than Edward's brother, Emmett Cullen.

I couldn't imagine what could bring him down here but then I knew very little about where he lived with Rosalie or where he worked other than knowing he owned a construction business.

"Hey Emmett," I greeted the brawny, smiling guy that was heading towards me as I shifted the bag of groceries into my other arm to lift some of the burden. "What brings you here?"

"Doing some shopping. As are you, I see."

I nodded. "Yeah, I needed to pick up some things."

"Any chance you'll be making the famous Bella mac and cheese any time soon? Because I'm not happy about the fact Edward's been a mac and cheese hog."

I frowned, not understanding what he was talking about. "Huh?"

"He told me that you made him Beecher's mac and cheese. Lucky man. I love that stuff."

"I see. When did he tell you that?" I asked curiously. I wasn't surprised he had spoken to his brother but I still failed to understand the context of that conversation.

It had been two days since I had seen Edward at group therapy and told him that I didn't believe his family cared as much about his interests as they should. Now in no fucking way did I regret speaking the truth but I shouldn't have humiliated him and it sure had left us with an awkward situation ever since. Obligated by the Redemption Program he had called me last night, asking about my day and talking about his. Neutral topics that had lasted for about ten minutes until he had bid me goodnight. No jokes or teasing, just polite awkwardness.

"We had dinner with the family Thursday night," Emmett said. "Edward told us you made him mac and cheese. And then he promised me leftover's last night but I had to work late, so I bet he ate it all himself."

It felt a little strange to be standing on the sidewalk, chatting to Emmett about stuff when I was barely on speaking terms with his brother.

"Why would you have dinner at Edward's anyway?" I wondered. "Does Rosalie no longer feed you?"

I had wanted to sound casual and make it into a joke but Emmett's face went sad.

"Rosie went to her parents for a while. Not sure when she'll be back. Look, I hate taking up your time but if you want to chat for a bit… want to grab some coffee?"

Right, Rosalie had gone to her parents. Who lived in the place that shall not be named nor fucking remembered.

And then my mind sprung to the question Emmett had asked. Coffee? I wanted to say yes because I didn't want to be a jerk and brush him off when he was clearly feeling less than stellar but my budget was below… low. Five bucks would get me little at Starbucks.

"I am sorry about Rosalie. Really, I am. But I uh… I can't have coffee… I mean… coffee is expensive."

Emmett smiled a little and then took me by surprise by grabbing the bag of groceries. "I owe you much more than some coffee after you spent time with Rosie at the hospital. I know she really appreciated it and I do too. Buying coffee is the least I can do."

I hesitated. I hated charity. But Emmett's demanding smile made me give in. "Okay, lead the way."

We found a Starbucks around the corner from the grocery store and after telling Emmett I would like a hot chocolate because it was cold outside, I went to find us a seat. I put my groceries down and waited for Emmett to come back.

When he did he wasn't just carrying my beverage of choice but also a plate with some sugary treats.

"Pick anything," he said as he put the plate down and took a seat across from me. "Except for that cinnamon roll. That baby is mine."

"You like cinnamon rolls?" I asked with a smile as I chose a slice of lemon cake, while Emmett took a huge bite of his cinnamon roll.

"I do," Emmett mumbled with his mouth full. "Too bad I can't have 'em more often. Only when I'm near a Starbucks I buy them."

"I think I have a recipe for them somewhere. I could bake you some sometime if you like," I offered between bites.

That was the only thing I could do for people. Cook or bake for them. And the irony of working at a place that was all about cooking but where I wasn't allowed near the cooking station didn't escape me. The diner would definitely never be a career maker.

"You would? Awesome!" Emmett cheered as he dug into a brownie. The guy really did love his food.

"So… how are you really?" I asked. I had no idea if Emmett would feel uncomfortable talking about his feelings but I didn't want to pretend like nothing was wrong either. He could act all happy and whatnot but his eyes were reflecting the opposite.

Emmett didn't seem to mind too much because he shrugged while taking a sip of his coffee, indicating he was going to answer. And he did.

"It's a crappy situation. I mean… Rosie was so excited about this and now she's a mess. She's completely closed off and I can't seem to reach her."

"That sucks. Is that why she went to her parents… did she… run away?"

Emmett seemed to think before giving me an answer but then he shook his head. "I don't think she ran. I mean, I get why you are saying that because it kind of looks like she did but somehow I think she feels more comfortable with her mom for a bit. You know… she needs motherly love or whatever."

I had no fucking clue what that meant. My mother had never wanted me. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to Emmett and so I nodded. "I guess that makes sense."

"I just wish she would turn to me. I feel so helpless."

"What about you?" I wondered. "Who's helping you? I mean, you lost a baby as well."

Emmett grimaced as he spoke. "I know it's horrible but I don't feel as strongly as Rosalie does. I mean, yes… we lost the baby and it's terrible. But the loss of the baby… I can't really say I feel all that much. About that. Does that make me a terrible person?"

I was no fucking psychologist nor did I care much for their brain analysis but I didn't believe Emmett was a bad person at all. He was a nice guy and he was fair about his feelings. Well, fair to me at least. I was willing to bet my five bucks he hadn't shared this with the rest of his family.

"I am, am I?" Emmett frowned. "I knew it."

"No, no. I don't think so at all. You have had a hard time as much as Rosalie and it's easy to overlook that because everyone is so focused on her. Plus, I think most men don't bond with a baby much until it's born or at least until they know the sex to make it more real. Also, women physically experience the changes of pregnancy which probably makes them feel more connected to the baby."

"Wow." Emmett sat there, mouth wide open, looking strangely stunned. I wondered if I had said something weird.

"Never mind, I obviously have no experience."

"No, it makes sense. You are really kind of smart, huh?"

I frowned because it sounded like a fucking insult. But then Emmett winked and chuckled. "I mean I expect no less from someone who has to keep up with my brother."

"Keep up with your brother?" I snorted. "You do realize he is pretty otherworldly, right. If anything he has to keep up with us regular folks."

Emmett guffawed and I felt kind of bad to be fucking talking about Edward behind his back, even if it was nothing but friendly banter.

"That is true," Emmett agreed. "But Edward has changed lately. He's not as rigid and definitely less otherworldly, as you put it. He's starting to resemble a normal guy."

Normal.

_Grey._

I had to agree with Emmett for the most part because I had seen the changes in Edward as well, up close and personal. He was definitely not the same guy I had met months ago. Too bad he still wanted to become a priest. It was truly a fucking waste.

Still, I was curious to find out what Emmett found normal about his brother now as opposed to before when he had seen him as... _abnormal?_

"You didn't think he was normal before?"

"Well, it's not like I thought he was weird. He was just different. You know he used to study a lot. Like A LOT. And always so busy with Bible verses and stuff. He would come to family dinner and Dad would dote on him like he was the Messiah himself."

Emmett's use of the word 'Messiah' triggered images of the dreams I fought every night. Edward being nailed to a cross with a thorn crown on his head while… Laurent told me it was my fault he couldn't be saved.

Fucking charming stuff that I tried to ignore by focusing on Emmett.

"Anyway, since he knows you he has changed. He smiles more, he jokes and believe me, Edward sucks at joking. But he tries and I guess he is almost funny now...

...Overall your presence in his life has changed him. It certainly provided him with plenty of awesome food."

I tried to hide my blush, as Emmett paid me unwanted compliments. Luckily, he didn't seem to notice or care because he went on to eating the last treat on the plate: apple pie.

I couldn't suppress my laughter as he dug in, which made him look up and smile sheepishly.

"You wanted some?"

"No, I'm good, thanks."

"So anyway," Emmett continued once he ate every last crumb of the pie. "Edward has changed, for the better. And between you and me, that priest deal… I never really understood it. I mean, he's my brother and I will always support him on whatever he wants to do but I always felt he believed that calling stuff because of what happened to Jacob."

"Jacob?"

"His best friend; the one who died in that accident? Edward didn't tell you?"

"Yes, he did. He believes that because they switched seats that day, it should've been him who died. But since he didn't, he now thinks he has to become a priest to honor the fact God saved him or whatever."

"Pretty much. Though my dad and Edward actually believe it was Divine Intervention."

"But you don't?"

It surprised me because I had always assumed that while Emmett wasn't as serious about his religion as Edward, he still practiced Catholicism.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Do you?"

"When he told me, I called it luck, maybe even fate. In terms of Edward not dying, I mean. But I don't believe it meant God had some sort of greater plan for him. I think it's basically something that was forced on him. And something he forced onto himself."

I didn't believe in God and greater plans anyway but I could see why Edward did.

"Forced? You mean by my dad?"

I knew I had been pretty candid with Emmett about this whole topic so far and that it was pretty weird because I had only seen the guy a handful of times and I usually didn't feel that comfortable with people, let alone men. Edward was different because of his general innocence but I found myself relaxing in the presence of Emmett. He was like the brother I never had. He reminded me of…

Demetri.

_Don't go there Bella. He is long gone,_ I reminded myself.

"I am sorry, was that out of line?"

Emmett shook his head. "No, I have often thought so myself. My dad is a good guy and I know he means well but maybe he gets a little over excited when it comes to 'Saint Edward' as I think of this whole ordination deal."

"And your mom? How does she feel?"

"I guess she just wants us to be happy. She would never force us into anything. Maybe my dad doesn't do it deliberately but he's definitely very vocal and demonstrative of Edward choosing this supposed career offered by God.

"Of course, he has to change that now that Edward might choose differently."

I frowned in surprise. Edward had changed his mind? About what? Becoming a priest?

"What do you mean?"

"Edward has major doubts on becoming a priest. Wouldn't surprise me if he disconnects this call from God."

* * *

"What do you have in this paper bag here?"

Emmett and I had just left Starbucks and he was apparently just as much of a gentleman as his younger brother because he was carrying my groceries.

Of course, not without taking a good peek inside the bag.

"Carrots, mushrooms, broccoli, and a bag that looks like rice but isn't? Bella… is this rabbit food?"

"It's not rice, it's couscous. I am making a stew-dish with carrots, broccoli and mushrooms."

"Sounds… healthy. I don't know how I feel about that."

"Well, it can't be mac and cheese all the time, Emmett," I chided him.

Emmett grinned and nodded. "True. But this dish sounds… like something I have never eaten before."

"Well, I found this recipe and I want to try it."

"You are really digging the cooking, huh?"

I smiled shyly because Emmett looked at me with this strange intensity. Like he was contemplating something.

"You know… with Rosalie gone, I've been feeling pretty lonely…" he trailed off. "I miss having company you know. And I can't keep bugging my parents."

It made sense he had been feeling lonely. Who wouldn't in his position? I flashed him a sad smile to show him I understood his pain. As a reaction he started smiling wider, _hopeful._

And then his words hit me.

He wasn't suggesting what it looked like he was suggesting was he? He wanted company? My company? Or was that my 'company' in the sense of the flesh.

Was this a sick fucking joke?

I took the bag from Emmett and took a few steps away, which confused him. "Bella, is everything okay?"

"Look, Emmett," I started, "I know you're having a hard time with what has happened and I am so sorry for that. But we don't know each other that well and you're happily married even if it's a sucktastic time right now and I… I can't offer you that kind of company…"

Emmett stood there silently for a few moments until his eyes grew wide and he started… _laughing._

"Wait… you think I want your company… as in… 'company' – aka sexual company? Whoa, Bella… I like you and all but that's not what I meant at all."

Well, that was a fucking relief.

"Oh… I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I just meant to say I could use some company. In fact..." he mused before suddenly pulling out his phone.

"In fact, _what_?" I asked but Emmett silenced me by holding up his hand, obviously waiting for the person he was calling to pick up.

"Eddie-boy, hey!"

Eddie-boy? Wait... Edward? Emmett was calling Edward?

"You will not believe who I just ran into…"

* * *

"Emmett I don't think this is such a good idea..."

"Relax, Bella, he knows we're coming."

I was walking the stairs to Edward's apartment with Emmett leading the way. He carried the bag of groceries while whistling a happy tune and he had this odd sparkle in his eyes, one that said 'I am up to no fucking good'.

Whatever the fuck specified that 'no good' I had yet to fully find out but the fact we were about to bombard Edward with unrequested company didn't bode well for whatever Emmett was planning, if it meant he was ignoring the fact Edward was busy and probably didn't want any distractions in the form of company.

Of course, Emmett was relentless. When he had called his brother earlier and told him he had run into me, and that we were coming over because after he had hung up and dragged me along to his car he'd declared 'we were on a mission to drag Edward away from boring stuff'.

The mission itself was unclear to me but the point seemed that Edward needed to have some fun because he had been working on his dissertation for hours straight and Emmett worried Edward's brain might explode, using gory details to persuade me as I sat buckled in, in his jeep.

"Just because he knows, doesn't mean he wants it."

"Too bad, we're already here," Emmett winked as he jumped up the last few stairs and practically sprinted to Edward's door.

I followed behind a bit more reluctantly because I had a lot of doubts about Edward's willingness to welcome us with open arms. Well, _me_ particularly.

By the time I arrived at Edward's door Emmett had put the bag on the floor and was pounding away like an eager child.

"Eddie, open up!" he yelled.

"Emmett, maybe we should go," I suggested as I stayed a little behind. "If Edward is really working hard I don't think we should interrupt that."

"Darn, Bella; what are you afraid of? It's just Edward and his wrath isn't very impressive."

Emmett had a point; what was I fucking afraid of? Sure, dragging me here was a little messed up and yes Edward and I hadn't really talked since group therapy, unless you counted the brief obligatory Redemption Program sponsored call last night but I had no reason to feel this much resistance. And yet I did.

But before I could make my escape, Edward's door opened and there he stood. Black jeans, black t-shirt. Barefoot. Disheveled hair.

Sinfully delicious.

What _is Edward to you?_ Angela's words echoed.

Well right now he was fucking eye candy.

"Emmett," he sighed. "You're like an untrained puppy with ADD."

"Hey yourself brother. FYI: if I was an untrained puppy, I'd be peeing on your carpet right about now. Or hump your leg." He winked before he turned to me. "Look who I brought."

I stood there, gawking at Edward until his eyes met mine. "Bella," he greeted me, a hint of a smile ghosting on his lips.

"Edward," I replied softly.

"Emmett," Emmett sighed. "Now that we've all said our names, can we go inside?"

He didn't wait for an invite as he moved past Edward.

"Do you have your X Box somewhere?" he yelled from inside.

Edward seemed to ignore him because he didn't answer his brother and kept his eyes trained on me instead. As we held a silent stare off, I couldn't help but wonder if he was mad at me because there was something different about his demeanor. He didn't look angry or anything but he also didn't look very happy. He looked...

_Intense._

His jade eyes burned as they held mine and that strange electricity I felt whenever Edward touched me hummed around us.

"Come inside?" he asked suddenly and then he turned to pick up the grocery bag. He waited until I passed him before he followed and closed the door.

Inside Emmett was spinning around in Edward's desk chair like a five year old.

"Emmett, why did you bring groceries?" Edward asked, confused as he placed the bag on his kitchen counter.

"They're not mine, they're Bella's. And she's going to cook us rabbit food," he said smugly.

"Rabbit food?" Edward questioned his brother's answer before he turned to face me.

"Are you cooking?" Edward asked me, his eyes still intense and burning into mine.

"I uh..." I mumbled, acting spastic. I was too entranced to snap back with a funny retort or snark at Emmett's expense. I just stood there, mumbling like an idiot.

"Emmett put you up to it, didn't he?" Edward guessed, rolling his eyes disapprovingly at his brother.

"When you say it like that, it sounds so diabolic," Emmett teased.

"That's because you are," Edward muttered.

"I can't be diabolic and an untrained ADD pup at the same time, Ed," Emmett pointed out. "If you can't hold your pee, how can you mastermind evil plans of world domination? It makes no sense."

"Look, I don't mind... I was going to make couscous with mushrooms, broccoli and carrots," I intervened; relieved I was speaking in understandable English again. "I could make it here."

"Like I said; rabbit food," Emmett summarized.

"Bella you don't have to cook for us," Edward shrugged and the way he acted so dismissively pissed me off. Just a few days ago he'd begged me to cook for him and now I wasn't good enough or something?

"Just a few days ago, you demanded I cook you dinner... now you don't want it?" I wondered coolly. "Well, if that's the case I better go."

"You know I like your cooking but you don't have to do it just because my brother dragged you here," Edward explained with a sigh.

"So it only counts when it's convenient to you? Am I an inconvenience now?" I hissed.

Was he really acting this way because I had called out his family during group therapy? Was he_ that_ pissed at me and trying not to show it?

I knew I was all sorts of fucking irrational but there was something so tense about the situation that it was a good thing Emmett was here as a lightning rod to diffuse some of palpable tension between us. If it had been Edward and I alone I would have kicked his ass and demand why he was acting so weird.

That or mount him.

_What is Edward to you?_

A pain in the ass I wouldn't mind dry humping right about now.

Thank fuck Emmett WAS here.

"Bella, you are overreacting," Edward said and he was clearly irritated by the way he folded his arms.

"_I _am overreacting? Please, everything about your body language screams that you'd rather see Emmett and I leave right away."

"Wooah, lover's spat, lover's spat!" Emmett yelled. "You tell him B, you tell him!"

"Shut up Emmett!" both Edward and I said simultaneously, causing us both to laugh which relieved some of the tension.

"I am sorry," Edward apologized first. "I have been stuck with my nose in musty books all day and my fingers are cramping because I had to type up so much. Shockingly, Emmett may be right; I could use a break. But I don't want you to use your groceries to make us dinner. Especially if you need them later in the week..." he trailed of, well aware of my financial situation.

I wanted to protest but Edward was right. If I made the couscous dish for myself later in the week I could live off of it for a few days, which would save me money. If I made it now, Emmett would probably eat all of it.

"I don't mind," I argued weakly but Edward knew he was winning this round.

"Trust me." He winked, knowing what a heavy theme it was and trying to keep it light. "It's much better if I order us some pizzas. Emmett would either eat all your food or complain about not liking it and both would be a waste."

"Like you and spinach," I teased.

"Right," Edward chuckled. "I better feed him with a pizza. That's as nutritious as he gets."

"Hmpf," Emmett grumbled as he confiscated Edward's laptop and announced he was going to play some 'Angry Birds' because he was getting bored with us.

"Any specific topping you would like?" Edward asked, smiling.

"Cheese and mushrooms," I told him, smiling back. Every time I would look at him, every time our eyes would meet, that strange intensity was there, drawing me in, completely fucking mesmerizing me.

And Angela's question captivated my thoughts. I hate to fucking analyze her musings but she sure had managed to make me think. My shallow side noted Edward was hot and fuckable but my deeper emotions refused to spell out what he meant to me beyond the level of friendship.

That strange intensity hung around for the rest of the evening like humidity before a good thunderstorm. Once Edward had ordered a few pizzas and firmly kicked Emmett off his laptop before he could accidentally delete some of the things Edward had spent the day working on, we sat around talking for a bit. Emmett told us about having trouble at work because Rosalie usually did the administration and paperwork part-time next to her teaching job and now that she was gone Emmett was getting stressed about having to do that himself in addition to the actual construction stuff.

Because he didn't know how long Rosalie would be gone for and he couldn't forego doing the paperwork - his clients needed their invoices and someone needed to answer the phone at his small office - he asked if I would be willing to help out for a while but I declined because the diner took up most of my time.

As an alternative however, I gave him Angela's phone number. With her new resolve to stay away from the streets, this could actually be the perfect thing for her and Emmett agreed with me, jokingly calling it his own Redemption Program.

A knock on the door made Emmett forget about all else though, cheerfully announcing, "pizza's here" before dashing to the door to get it.

Food really was the ultimate distraction for Emmett.

"Man, I could be buried in this stuff." He sighed contently as he stuffed his face with pepperoni pizza.

"See," Edward pointed out as he handed me a slice of cheese and mushroom, "Emmett doesn't know or understand the concept of healthy food."

"Not true, I have Rosalie to cook for me and she knows what veggies I like."

"How emancipated," I muttered. "Do you even know how to cook yourself?"

"I know how to put stuff in the microwave and how to use the oven," Emmett shrugged, "Plus, you cook Edward dinner too, so don't even start with that feminism crap."

"That's different because we're friends and don't share a household," I argued. "Plus, I like cooking."

"Right," Emmett said. "_Just_ friends."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Edward asked before I could. He had the same bewildered look on his face; similar to the one I assumed I'd had when Ben and Angela had cornered me about the same thing this morning.

Why did everyone assume Edward and I were dating or going to? Where did that come from? Had I missed the fucking memo? Also, was Edward aware of this broadly spread assumption too?

"Well Emmett," Edward demanded when his brother wouldn't answer. "Why did you say that?"

"No reason," Emmett shrugged as he wiped his mouth. "You two just spend a lot of time together. It makes people wonder."

"People?" I frowned. "What people?"

"Look, never mind, okay. I was just messing with you."

"Well, stop messing," I chastised him. "Edward and I are friends."

I looked over at Edward for confirmation because I assumed he would agree with me. But when our eyes met, the jade green of his pupils had darkened and the look he gave me wasn't the one I had expected. It wasn't a look of agreement or encouragement that I was speaking the truth.

Instead, he stood there staring and the intensity hanging between us got even thicker. It was definitely not sexually charged or anything; it was more like a simmering passion that was being contained by all the obstacles that were standing between us. The intensity turned to a heavy sadness when Edward broke his stare, shaking his head.

"Yes, just friends," he concurred quietly.

What the fuck was that? Seriously... what was going on?

"Okay, well," Emmett said, "good to know because Bella, Riley has been asking about you."

Carnival Riley. Emmett's colleague. The guy who had thrown pies in Edward's face with a fucking smug smile on his.

Lucky me that he was taking an interest.

If the mentioning of Riley did anything to Edward he sure as fucking hell didn't show it. He simply concentrated on eating his pizza but it was because of that - the way he neatly cut little pieces of his slice of cheese and pineapple all OCD like - I knew he was in fact listening very intently to how I would respond.

"Oh… well… that's nice of him."

"Yeah. I think he wants to ask you out or something. He asked if I had your number, so… seems like he was serious."

Before I could give a response, Edward suddenly spoke calmly but the intent was clear and the words were cutting. "Emmett, you have to stop trying to set up Bella and Riley. He is no good for her right now."

"Bro, I think that's for Bella to decide," Emmett pointed out. "And don't talk bull crap about him, he's a nice guy."

"He is not. _He_ doesn't understand what Bella needs," Edward countered angrily. "He just wants to rebound after Bree."

I was sitting there, embarrassed to have the Cullen brothers arguing over my love life.

"I think he'll understand just fine what she needs." Emmett huffed. "You just want to be the only one who knows what she needs."

Judging from the look on Edward's face – he looked caught and maybe even a little embarrassed – Emmett was right on the mark. Which confused me. Why would Edward care if I went out on a date? And why did he want to be the only one who knew what I needed?

It was like I was being offered all these pieces of a new Edward puzzle but putting them together proved to be very tricky.

"Hey," I interrupted. "_She_ is right here and she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions," I added, remembering Doctor Carmen's words.

"I am sorry," Edward said instantly. "You are right. It's your decision."

"But," I finished, "I don't think I should go out with Riley, Emmett. I mean, he's nice and all but I am not dating material right now."

"Fair enough," Emmett said. "I was just checking."

"No worries." I smiled, as I watched from the corner of my eye how Edward let out a deep breath. He looked relieved.

After dinner and clean up, I watched a little sports with Emmett - forget ESPN commentators, having Emmett next to you meant you didn't have to miss a thing during a game - while Edward worked on his dissertation some more. Around 9:30 I announced that I was calling it a night and Emmett offered to drop me off at home which pleased Edward because he didn't want me to get home by myself and would have offered if his brother hadn't.

I grabbed my things while Emmett announced he would go ahead to put the bag of groceries in the trunk. Before I could argue he was already out the door and Edward stopped me before I could follow.

"Give him a minute. I think he went ahead because he wants to call Rosalie."

"Oh, gotcha. Looks like he really misses her and is being so clingy and attention seeking because of that."

Edward nodded but didn't speak. He seemed nervous and fidgety all of a sudden, playing with a cord of his hoodie, which reminded me, "I still have one of your hoodies."

"That's okay, I have plenty," Edward said but he seemed distracted by whatever was weighing on his mind. And whatever that was, I was done looking at the pieces of the puzzle and decided only he could put them together.

"Are you okay? Are you mad at me for what happened at group therapy? Because I have a big mouth, I know. I am sorry for saying that in front of everyone."

"No... it's... that's... I think you were sort of right about that."

"Oh," I said in surprise.

"I uh… actually I am glad we have a minute alone," Edward spoke, his voice soft and almost shy. "I too want to apologize... for being so rude about Riley."

"Don't worry, I wasn't going to go out with him anyway," I pretended to be casual.

"I meant what I said though," Edward said hesitantly; it seemed he was gauging my reaction. "I don't think he's good enough for you."

"Were you jealous?" I blurted without thinking. I was about to take the words back when to my fucking surprise, Edward nodded.

He fucking nodded.

Edward was jealous.

What the… fuck?

"You were?"

"Look, Bella… this… it's not easy… it's actually quite confusing… but… remember the carnival?"

"Riley was a jerk when he threw pies at you," I stated, thinking that's what he was getting at. "That alone is reason a plenty to not go out with him."

"I remember that but I am kind of referring to after… when you helped clean me up from Riley's mess."

Oh, I remembered. Quite fucking well.

"You mean when Kate interrupted?" I said skeptically.

Edward frowned. "Yes. That was very unfortunate."

Unfortunate? For whom? Me? Her? Us?

_What us?_ I chided myself. Now even I was starting to think like… Emmett and Angela.

I couldn't even finish my own thought when I heard Emmett hollering from the staircase. Apparently he was done calling Rosalie.

"That's my ride," I said quietly.

"Always something to interrupt us," Edward muttered to himself but loud enough for me to hear.

"So finish what you started then," I encouraged him. "If Kate hadn't interrupted that day, what would you have done? You said something like 'I think I have figured it out'…" I reminded him. "What was that?"

"I don't know," Edward confessed as he moved closer. "I am not used to feeling this way."

"Bella, yo!" Emmett shouted and I could hear he was seconds away from bounding up the stairs to come and get me. "I am ready to go!"

Emmett Cullen gave the term cockblocker new meaning.

"I really… look; maybe we can talk about this later?" I said, hopeful. I knew this was a conversation we needed to have; whatever Edward wanted to tell me, it was long overdue.

Edward nodded with a smile as he walked me to the door. As I turned to say goodnight, I noticed how close he was standing to me. That definitely didn't help with this intense force crackling between us.

Before I could back away or joke about personal space, Edward lifted his hand to catch a stray hair that had escaped the messy bun on my head.

"Your hair is very soft… like silk," he mused.

"Thank you," I choked, assessing his proximity and the strange electric buzz that was pulsing. The intensity was almost too much to bear. Like a thunderstorm about to erupt.

And then he leaned in and did something that caught me off guard. Before I could speak, protest or do anything, Edward's soft, full lips pressed themselves against my cheek.

It may have lasted a second or fucking two but it seemed like a life time and in that moment, as innocent as his gesture was, I knew what Emmett, Angela and any other person with eyes saw.

A truth we had failed to acknowledge ourselves.

We weren't 'just' friends.

My skin burned from his touch as Edward leaned away. He looked bemused but still managed to wish me a gentle goodnight by brushing his finger against my hand.

"I'll see you soon," he sent me off.

"Goodnight Edward."

* * *

I woke Sunday morning, feeling a little lighter after the evening I had spent with Edward and Emmett. My night had been calmer too, which didn't mean all that much because it hadn't been nightmare free at all but at least I had managed to get some sleep. This was a good thing, a _necessary_ thing, because I was looking at a seven hour shift at the diner today which would start at 9:00 AM.

I stretched and reveled in the fact that Edward had kissed me on the cheek. Yes, it was cheesy and stuff but the way his lips had felt against my skin… wow.

It was such a fucking shame those lips would never meet actual lips though, but if Emmett was to be believed Edward was thinking about changing that. Now I held no grand hope that Edward would in fact decide not to become a priest but I did wonder what it would be like if he didn't and decided on choosing a different career.

He could have such a different life. He could find a job that had nothing to do with religion. He could tie himself to a woman instead of the fucking hypocritical institution that was the Catholic Church.

_He could tie himself to me._

I would stop being tainted pitch black; he would no longer be pristine pure white. We could be grey together; normal.

The thought fucking startled me as much as it thrilled me. But I knew better than to dwell on this right now. Whatever Edward would choose, it was a ridiculous fantasy to assume I would have an important part in it. And it was redundant to allow myself to fantasize about wanting that because I would never be fucking good enough for him anyway.

Someone like Kate would be much more appropriate. She could be grey with more white than black. I would always remain charcoal to Edward's light silver at best.

I sighed, staring at the ceiling for a while until I started wondering why my alarm – set at 7:45 AM - hadn't gone off yet. My room was still covered in darkness so it had to be early. Maybe it wasn't time yet.

I turned on my side and nearly jumped out of bed when looking at the green neon numbers. Not only was it _not_ early it was also pretty fucking _late._

9:30.

Fucking fuck… I was late for my shift. Tits would have a field day with this.

In the next 30 minutes I rushed to get dressed and out the door sans breakfast. Just before 10:15 I practically bolted into the diner where the busy breakfast crowd momentarily halted me.

I noticed Tits and Victoria taking orders while Mr. Call was standing behind the counter.

Fuck… today of all days he had to be here.

"Nice of you to show up," Tits sneered as she spotted me. Her voice was loud enough to alert Mr. Call who gestured for me to come over as soon as he spotted me.

Here comes the reprimand.

"Bella, let's go to my office," Mr. Call suggested coolly when I reached the counter.

I went in behind him, knowing that whatever he was about to say wouldn't be complementary in any way.

"Sit down," he ordered and he closed the door behind me.

"I am really sorry for being late. I know that there's no excuse."

"You are right, there isn't."

"Look, I know you must be ticked off but I really want to show you that I can do this. I can stay longer today or cover an extra shift on one of my free days next week. I don't want to cause any trouble."

"Bella," Mr. Call sighed – it was one of those I-am-in-no-mood-to-listen-to-you sighs. He looked serious and I knew this wasn't just about being late.

"This isn't about being late or the fact you called in sick after only working here for one day. Those are probably things that 'happen' to you and whether it's bad luck or built-in character, I can't judge you on that."

"I am really sorry," I tried again. I hated sucking up but I needed this job. The low number on my bank account was enough to remind me even if I hated this shithole.

"I am sure you are," Mr. Call said and his eyes looked sad. "You know, when your friend begged me to hire you I took a chance. And I wanted you to have the chance to prove yourself.

"Unfortunately, your friend left out the details of your previous employment, if that's what we should call it. Now I don't want to pass judgment on that either but some of the other employees seem to be aware of this and they have shared with me that they feel uncomfortable in your presence."

_They feel uncomfortable in your presence. _Like they didn't do everything in their power to make me feel that way too. Tits… she had sold me out. That fucking bitch. She had manipulated Mr. Call into thinking I was the problem.

I didn't need to hear the words to know what would come next.

Mr. Call spoke them anyway.

"I am sorry Bella, but you're fired."

* * *

.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so Bella got fired. Trust me when I say...it's for her own good. She needs a job where she isn't being used as a doormat. She's done that before. Now, Edward's behavior is off when they're at his apartment (thanks to the big revelation-talk with Carlisle) but more will be explained/clarified next chapter.**

**About Carlisle in the previous chapter: just because he pointed it out, doesn't mean he's happy. In the "heat" of that conversation, where his son accuses him of living through him, he is trying to show but also prove his support. But he's human and it won't be easy to accept Edward's possible choices regarding Bella and his future. Still, he's not evil and he's not going to "plot" against them.**

**Kudos:**

**Bring On The Wonder is nominated for 3 Shimmer Awards**

**- Adonis Award (Best Use of Edward)**  
**- The Essence Award (Best Dazzled Moment)**  
**- Storyteller Award (Best Author)**

**Vote and/or see all the wonderful nominees. http:/shimmerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/vote(dot)html**

**Voting started July 8th and ends July 29th. Thanks to everyone who's already voted!**

**To everyone who enjoys this story whether it's reading quietly or also reviewing/recommending, thank you! It means the world to me. **

**Almost Friday, have a great weekend!**


	31. Help Wanted

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 29: HELP WANTED**

"How about this one?"

I handed Bella the job section of one the local newspapers and pointed at the advertisement I had circled.

Bella scanned through the ad and as she read she started to frown. "Hotel 1000 on the corner of First and Madison."

"Maid in a hotel?" She wondered.

"I know it's not the most glamorous job in the world but the salary they offer isn't that bad," I said.

"It's better than what I got paid at the diner," Bella muttered in agreement.

"Yes. And the work hours are from 8:30 AM to 3:00 PM. That beats the dinner rush at the diner."

"It's definitely a step up." Bella nodded but I could tell she was hesitant.

"You get paid extra if you work on Sundays," I pointed out.

Bella looked up from the paper, her eyes meeting mine. "You can't possibly be psyched about something like that; you religious folk can't even work on Sundays," she said, sticking out her tongue.

I rolled my eyes at her teasing. It had gotten easier to hear her joke about my faith, because she was more playful and less serious about it.

"Har-har…" I said. "I think you should think about this job though. It pays better, hours are decent and perhaps you can even get insurance through a group health plan offered by the hotel."

Bella smiled but she remained unconvinced. "I know I need a job soon because my bills won't pay themselves and I can't stay on Redemption Program sponsoring for long, plus the sooner I have a job, the sooner I can get out of that hell hole I call a home...

...but I kind of want to keep looking for a bit, see if there's something else out there."

"You know, Emmett's offer still stands as well," I reminded her. "I know you told him to call Angela but maybe you should consider taking up his offer yourself."

Bella shook her head as she folded the corner of one of the pages of the paper.

"I already talked to Angela about Emmett's offer and suggested she should call him. I can't exactly tell her: 'Hey Ang, sorry but I want the job offer back'. Things with Ben are looking up and she needs this job. It's time she gets a break."

"That might be true but I'm afraid you don't have the luxury to search for too long or be too picky. And I absolutely understand you want to help Angela but the sooner you find a new job yourself, the better."

It had been almost a week since Bella had gotten fired from the diner. It was an incredible set back because without a job it was impossible to start looking for new living arrangements and it stagnated the progress she was trying to make. The longer she stayed in her current environment, the more difficult it would be to resist the temptations that lingered there. The last thing I wanted was to have to chase after Bella only to find her in a seedy hotel again. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle that in the same way I had the first time because things between us were different now.

For one, I had kissed Bella. I knew that a kiss on the cheek wasn't very spectacular but to someone who'd never kissed a girl, it meant a lot. It had been on my mind all week. The soft skin of the apple of her cheek had burned under my lips as she had started to blush and even though it had lasted for no more than a few seconds, it had been an amazing experience.

I couldn't tell if it affected Bella as much as it did me; she behaved like her usual self and there were no specific signs that showed she was thinking about the kiss as much as I was.

And if the memory of our kiss wasn't enough to occupy my mind, it also played the conversation with my father about my blossoming feelings for Bella on a loop.

He'd been blunt and gone straight to the point.

"I think you're falling love with Bella."

"I'm… what?" I had asked him.

I'd tried to find a hint of irony or some kind of taunt but there had been none of that. My father had been one hundred percent sincere. But the words had sounded bizarre, especially coming from him.

"What makes you say that?" I had wanted to know because I'd been genuinely curious how my father had come to that conclusion. Him of all people. The irony hadn't escaped me. I was so 'otherworldly' that I hadn't even been able to recognize this feeling myself and needed my father, the one so against my interactions with Bella, to explain it to me.

"Because everything I described to you is what people feel when they are falling in love."

For someone who'd been quite vocal in disagreeing with my involvement with Bella, hearing my father dissect my behavior and feelings and conclude that I was falling in love had been a huge shock. Could it be? Was I actually falling in love with Bella?

The possibility seemed outlandish and it terrified me because I had never felt that way before and the idea was overwhelming me.

It felt like it was too much, too soon. I was still struggling with the realization I didn't _have_ to become a priest, that there were other ways to serve God and spread his love. The idea that my vocation had been misinterpreted, that I'd spent all these years believing in something that might actually be entirely different from what I'd lived for was a hard pill to swallow. What made it even harder was that while I didn't deny I had feelings for Bella, I was nowhere near ready to label these feelings as _love._ Qualifying them as romantic feelings was already a big step for me.

I'd spent the Friday after the conversation with my father alone, trying to put time and effort into my dissertation but constantly getting distracted by my own thoughts and feelings. Obligated by the Redemption Program, I had called Bella later that evening. It had been our first contact since group therapy the day prior. And while it never felt like an obligation to support her and I always looked forward to hearing her voice, I had given myself a mental pep talk before I'd been able to reach my phone and actually dial Bella's number.

As I'd waited for her to pick up, my heart beating erratically in my chest, I had wished for things to be easier. That Bella would pick up and we would chat like we always did. No awkwardness, no misunderstandings or drama. I'd wanted to forget about all the eye opening things that had happened the day before and simply talk to her.

But reality was never simple; the phone call with Bella had been quick and full of random topics. It had lasted no more than ten minutes and afterwards I'd felt horrible for not being able to have a normal conversation with her. The worst was that I had sensed Bella was trying to act normal but I'd given her little room to ease the tension between us. How was I supposed to talk to her; act like all was normal when I knew that something was different for me? I'd no longer cared about what had happened at group therapy the day before, all my focus had shifted to my father's words.

_I believe you are falling in love with Bella._

Fortunately, a fresh chance to make amends with Bella had presented itself on Saturday when Emmett had called unexpectedly announcing that he had ran into Bella downtown and that they were coming over. I had no idea what possessed Emmett to stop by and bring Bella but I knew there would be no stopping him, so I simply waited until they'd arrived.

In the fifteen minutes between Emmett's call and his childish banging on my door, I had tried to focus on my dissertation but it had proven to be fruitless. My thoughts had drifted to Bella and how she would feel about coming here. I'd wondered if Emmett had forced her and the idea of that had left me in a state of irritation because I knew how rambunctious and persuasive my brother could be and it seemed that Rosalie's absence had only made that worse because he felt lonely. I'd hated to think that Bella was going to come over against her will.

When they'd arrived I had braced myself for Emmett's enthusiasm and the uncertainty of how Bella would act around me. But most of that had melted away when she had stood there, a few feet away from my door. Being entirely focused on Bella had made it easy to ignore my brother's ramblings about computer games and I'd barely noticed how he had bounded past me.

All my attention had been on Bella. The cold had flushed her face with a rosy complexion and while her hair had been tied back, several strands had managed to escape and they had framed her heart shaped face beautifully. I'd been mesmerized, unable to keep my eyes off of Bella.

When I'd finally snapped out of that to find my manners and invite Bella in, I'd landed right into an argument with her about the bag of groceries I was carrying and whether or not Bella should cook for us at Emmett's insistence. My protests had nearly made her leave because she'd failed to understand why I didn't want her to cook after I'd demanded the same only days before. Thankfully I had managed to stop Bella from going by explaining that she shouldn't waste her groceries on Emmett and me and had convinced her to order pizza instead.

While we had waited for our food to be delivered Emmett had talked about struggling with the administrative tasks of his construction company because Rosalie normally covered most of that. It had brought up the idea to hire Bella but to my surprise she had declined, actually suggesting Angela as an alternative for the job which Emmett had seemed pleased with.

That was the reason she was still job browsing now while she could have accepted Emmett's offer. But Bella was selfless and she wanted Angela to have this opportunity.

One thing Emmett had continuously done throughout dinner was make suggestive comments about Bella and me. It had felt like he'd been able to read my mind. And that feeling had proven to be correct. When Bella had excused herself to go to the bathroom and we were alone, Emmett had brought it up instantly.

"So, when are you going to tell Bella how you feel?"

It was a good thing that we'd finished dinner because I would have choked on my pizza otherwise.

"Excuse me?"

Emmett had given me a strange look, fighting hard to suppress a grin.

"What are you smirking about?" I'd asked, irritated.

"Nothing, just seems to me that well..."

"Well, _what?"_

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with dad the other night."

"You eavesdropped?" I'd asked in disbelief. "Are you for real Emmett?"

Actually, looking back now, it didn't surprise me. Emmett was too curious for his own good, always had been.

"Look, bro; when you say it like that it sounds evil and while we already established I am either a pup with ADD or a diabolic mastermind, I didn't listen in on purpose. I mean, the door was open and your voices were raised and... yeah, okay... I listened in."

"I can't believe this," I'd muttered.

"Oh forget it," Emmett had brushed it off. "You know about all the drama in my life. So, you love Bella and you want out of the hood that is priest?"

When he had said he'd eavesdropped, he wasn't kidding.

"The hood that's priest? You listened in to the entire conversation, didn't you?"

"Don't change the subject on me. Do you want out?"

"Define 'out'?"

"You know...bye-bye white collar, hello actual relationship with a woman."

"I am thinking about my choices," I had told him.

"What does that even mean? You either want to be a priest or you don't."

"Emmett," I had tried to explain without letting my growing frustration show, "I have wanted to become a priest for so long, I can't just let it go."

"Well, if you're in love with Bella you kind of have to," he had pointed out.

"That's none of your business," I'd muttered. "And don't think I don't see what you're doing. Bringing Bella here, insinuating that we're more than friends. I am telling you to drop it before she gets back from the bathroom."

"Fine. Word of advice though: you better tell her, or make a move or something. This 'dance' you're doing is not only wasting your time but also hers. It will only keep you confused if you don't decide what you want soon. And it isn't fair to Bella if you walk around with these feelings that she has no idea about"

"I can't just tell her," I'd argued. "I don't even know how to tell her or what to say."

"All the more reason to just blurt it out."

"I am not like you Emmett, I actually think before I speak."

Emmett had rolled his eyes at that. "And yet here I am married and all. You think I would have landed a girl like Rosie if I had acted all wishy-washy like you?"

I'd given him a pointed look as I'd scoffed at his logic. "If that's the case then why are you here, trying to mess with my life when you have plenty to focus on in your own?"

Before he'd been able to answer Bella had returned, oblivious to what we'd discussed.

But it didn't mean our conversation hadn't given me food for thought. And my brother had even further pushed his point by mentioning Riley and more specifically, Riley's desire to go out on a date with Bella. It had sparked the dark green feeling of jealousy in me. I had hated the idea that Bella would go out with this man and driven by that knowledge I had blurted out that I didn't believe Riley was good enough for her.

That had led to an argument with Emmett who'd insisted that Riley was a good guy, pointing out that I wanted to be the only one to know what Bella needed. And he had been right in a way. I did want to be the only one to help her, support her and understand what she needed.

Before things could escalate, Bella had interrupted to share that she was perfectly capable of making her own decisions. She had also told Emmett she didn't think dating was the right thing for her at the moment.

Although her answer had appeased me in relation to Riley, it had left me wondering if that meant she wouldn't want to date me either. And that in combination with my jealousy and the earlier conversation with Emmett had given me flashbacks to what had almost happened at the carnival. How I had pictured Bella with another guy and how I'd been jealous of Riley even back then. How I had wanted to tell her I had feelings for her before Kate had interrupted us.

Memories of that day made me determined to follow Emmett's advice and tell Bella how I felt. And Emmett had given me a window because he had sprinted down the stairs with Bella's groceries, using the excuse of putting them away to get some alone time to call Rosalie.

That had given me the time to have a talk with Bella about the things I'd wanted to tell her at the carnival.

But I had barely started when Emmett, yelling like a two year old throwing a tantrum, had announced he was ready to go, his voice booming from the bottom of the stairs. It had effectively ended our conversation because Bella didn't want Emmett to wait for her. She had suggested we revisit the topic later before getting her things and moving to the door.

And then, as she had turned to say goodbye I had done what I'd never done before. It had been so easy to move close to Bella and catch a loose strand of her silky hair. It had been just as easy to lean in and press my lips to the soft skin of her cheek. It had been amazing to revel in the warmth of the spark between us. I could have basked in the glow of it much longer but because my gesture had been unexpected to Bella and I hadn't wanted to upset her, I'd dragged myself away.

The rest of the night I'd been in a daze. My lips had burned from where I'd touched Bella's ivory skin and the afterglow of kissing her worked all the way through Sunday.

But then Bella called to let me know she'd been fired.

"He fired me. Because the others complained about me. I don't funking get it. I mean, can he even do that?"

Officially and in the legal sense, the answer had been no. Mr. Call had no right to fire Bella based on the discomfort of his other employees, especially because it had been them who had made Bella feel that way, even if he wasn't aware of that. And while the fact she had called in sick on her second day - well I called for her - and had been an hour late on the day she got fired gave a little more grounds for his decision, he should've given her a warning for that instead of firing her.

We had ended up trying to talk to Mr. Call three days after he had fired Bella, but he'd been relentless and refused to rehire her.

While I'd been irritated by the injustice, Bella seemed surprisingly okay with it and had accepted her new fate after a few days.

So now, a week after our kiss in my apartment, she was lounging on my sofa, looking through job ads with me as her aide. And while I took sneak peeks at her as she browsed the pages, the kiss vivid in my mind, she remained blissfully ignorant to how I really felt.

And I had to admit, I still had no real clue myself. Emmett's advice to tell her had been overshadowed by Bella's firing. The timing had simply been off all week and this was the first time we were spending time together in relative peace and contentment. Bringing it up now would be awkward.

While Bella concentrated on job ads, I turned to my laptop to work on my dissertation some more. Truth be told, I was getting stuck. I had plenty of ideas but as soon as I typed them up they resembled a blur of senseless, incoherent babbling. And I still had to check with Bella if she was alright with being one of the focus points in my dissertation. So far the opportunity had yet to present itself.

But then out of the blue, it was Bella who provided me with an opening.

"How's the dissertation coming along?" she wondered absentmindedly. "What's it about again?"

"It's about searching, finding and following guidance from a divine source," I said, as I looked through some of my notes.

"Hmm," Bella said, "sounds… pretentious."

"Thanks," I muttered. "I am well aware of how you believe I am just a rich, trust fund kid."

"You are a rich, trust fund kid," Bella quipped. "Anyway, you mind explaining what your topic means to my 'barely made it out of high school' pea sized brain?"

I was about to get into that when I noticed Bella's revelation. She had made it out of high school… that was new information. It also offered new possibilities. A high school diploma could get her in college should she ever want to. Unless she had meant her comment as a figure of speech. I wanted to ask but I knew I couldn't push it.

"Edward?"

"Oh, right. Well, it's about what people interpret as divine guidance and where they look for it, how they find it and how they interpret that guidance and use it in their everyday life."

"Ah, okay." Bella grinned. "Like I said, pretentious."

"I actually want to focus on the opposite as well: people who don't believe in Divinity. How do they live, where do they get their guidance from? How have they found it?"

"You mean someone like me?" Bella said. She didn't sound insulted; she just stated a fact.

"Well, yes. In fact, you'd make for an interesting subject."

Bella gave me a strange look and for a moment I thought she was going to reject my suggestion but then she nodded. "Well, I am basically a science project already, so it's cool if you want to use me as your guinea pig, as long as you won't drag me to church."

"Guinea pig?"

"You know what I mean. Now, what do you need from me?"

"Well, I could interview you; like a feature piece to introduce you. And I would like to use our experience from the Redemption Program."

"Okay, I have no problem with that... I think. I am still fuzzy on the details."

"Me too, to be honest. I am meeting with Kate next week, just before Thanksgiving break. She'll go over the concept I have so far. Hopefully she can give me some pointers on how to proceed based on that."

Bella nodded but I could tell she felt uncomfortable at the mention of Kate.

"Yeah, about that... I uh... we still need to have that talk; the one we never seem to finish. Or actually start."

Right. The_ talk._ Bella had suggested last week we revisit the topic of my - and maybe her - feelings soon. But Bella getting fired had definitely shifted the attention elsewhere. Plus, I'd had a busy week at school and the usual responsibilities at the church that had taken up my time. On Tuesday, I'd joined the discussion group my father led, feeling a little uncomfortable sitting there because we hadn't spoken since our conversation about my feelings for Bella. I'd confessed to Father Banner on Thursday because Father Masen had been out of town yet again. Which, quite honestly, I'd been relieved by because I wasn't ready to speak to him about my feelings for Bella and the thought of trying to use my faith in a different way than becoming a priest.

"Edward?"

"Hmm, yes?"

"Talk? Unless you're busy?"

"No... no… it's just... I don't know how to start."

Bella smiled a little. "If it helps, I feel just as weird about this. But there are things we need to say, I mean... you kissed me and all."

The kiss. As if I could forget. But Bella's words gave no hint as to how she felt about what had happened. She sounded neutral and that made me nervous.

"I... I could apologize for that but only if you want me to," I stammered.

Bella frowned, clearly confused. "Why would I want you to apologize for kissing me?"

"Well, I know how you hate being touched."

That certainly hit a nerve because Bella averted her eyes and focused on the wall.

"Bella?"

She shook her head as if to shake something off - one of the many secrets she couldn't share with me perhaps - before looking at me again. "Look, don't apologize for the kiss. I'd rather you explain to me what it means to you; why you did it."

Why I'd done it was easy to explain. I had done it out of impulse because she had stood there, waiting for a goodbye and it had felt like the most natural thing after I had come so close to tell her about my feelings before Emmett had interrupted. But to explain to Bella how I felt about it, that was something completely different.

"I like you," I started. "I mean, we make good friends despite the occasional running." I chuckled nervously. "And I think we complement each other."

"Complement each other?"

"Yes, you have taught me a lot of things in the past few months and you bring out new but good things in me. I like to believe I may have influenced you a little as well. Anyway," I pressed on, my heart pounding fiercely in my chest, "we seem to do pretty good together."

"Wow," Bella whispered. "You're serious."

"Bella," I said, trying to find the courage to not make this awkward, "when I say I like you, I don't mean just as a friend."

"I got that." Bella nodded. "That's why it's so big."

It was big and I realized that it would be even bigger to Bella who already had a lot on her plate with all these life changes she was dealing with.

"So... you're in love with me?" she wondered.

Bella's eyes were curious and cautious at the same time and I knew that confessing to that; that a simple yes would be more than simply admitting it.

It would be life changing for both of us. If I said yes and Bella didn't feel the same, it could scare her and she might run. If she did feel the same it could clash with the Redemption Program because a growing romance would change the dynamic and it could affect Bella's progress. Because I was her buddy first and foremost, I still had to put Bella's needs first.

And then there was the intensity of my feelings. I still wasn't certain if I was experiencing romantic feelings born out of friendship, which seemed a little undefined, or if I was really getting to the point of actually falling in love. Both came with consequences that could influence my future. Bella wanted to know if I was falling in love with her and I wasn't sure. But I didn't want to downplay how I felt either.

"I have pretty strong feelings for you," I answered truthfully.

"Pretty strong feelings," Bella mused. "What does that mean? Clearly you want to be more than my friend. Do you want to date me?"

She sounded so unsure and I realized that while Bella knew enough about… sex, when it came to actual dating she was probably just as inexperienced as me. The concept of dating was foreign to both of us.

"I don't want to push anything or rush you. Bella, honestly, I don't even know how to go about this. All I'm sure of is that we're not just friends."

"Well, we have spent a lot of time together so maybe that's why the lines of our friendship are getting blurry," Bella mused.

My heart sank a little when I realized that she was trying to rationalize these feelings, instead of acknowledging them. Perhaps I had been stupid to believe she felt the same. And I was being ridiculous having this talk without knowing what I was doing. Dating? Love? I was someone who for so long had believed to be destined for entirely different things, things that had nothing to do with loving a woman. So how was it possible that I could actually fall in love with Bella?

Bella sat there, looking at me as if she could read my mind. She raised her eyebrow when our eyes met because she realized we were walking on unknown territory here, both of us dealing with our own insecurities.

"Look, Edward," Bella finally spoke and her voice was surprisingly soft. "I understand that spending so much time with a girl might spark some feelings in you, because you probably never did it before. And if Emmett was right and you are changing your mind about becoming a priest, well you know I'll be the first on that bandwagon...

"Wait, Emmett told you what?" I asked, interrupting her. "And when?"

"When I ran into him during grocery shopping last week. We had coffee at Starbucks. Well, hot chocolate for me and a butt load of sugary treats for Emmett. Seriously, the guy eats and eats; there's no stopping him."

I gave her a poignant look, forcing her to get to the point.

"Anyway, he mentioned that you are having second thoughts about the priest deal."

"You talked about me?"

For some reason it bothered me. After my brother's meddling last week by bringing Bella over to my apartment and telling me he had eavesdropped on the conversation with our father, knowing he had talked to Bella about me, telling her these private things, it made me angry. I understood his loneliness and I was used to his natural curiosity, but it felt like he had invaded a part of my life by talking so candidly to Bella about something so important to me.

"You're upset," Bella said and I couldn't deny it.

"I don't care that you spent time with Emmett," I said and I meant it. "I just dislike that he meddled and told you something that was private."

"I'm sorry," Bella said, her voice sincere. "If it helps; we both care about you. But I am truly sorry if it makes you feel bad."

I nodded, wanting to go back to the original point of this conversation; my feelings for her. But Bella wanted to take a detour.

"So, is it true? You don't want to be a priest anymore?"

"I am thinking about it."

"So what changed?"

"I think you know what changed."

Bella shrugged. "I have my guesses but I think I want to hear you say it. Maybe you need to hear yourself say it."

"There is nothing to say. I mean, I haven't decided anything yet."

"Hmm, that's odd because here you are telling me you have feelings or whatever," Bella muttered. "I am pretty sure that dating me would funking clash with that pure white collar."

"Maybe we need to stop talking about this."

"No, no way," Bella said. "You tell me you like me as more than a friend and I want to know what that means for us."

I shook my head before my hands found my hair and I started pulling at it in frustration. This was by far one of the most awkward conversations I had ever had.

"I don't know, okay!" I said, raising my voice. "A part of me wants it all; wants to know if this is really love and then there's a part that is still holding on to what I wanted before."

Bella's eyes grew wide. "Love?"

I took a deep breath, determined to end this conversation right away because it was clear that Bella didn't feel the same way. I was starting to look like a giant fool, embarrassing myself by expressing these things. Emmett's advice to talk to Bella was backfiring and I was ruining the friendship we had built thus far.

"Forget it," I dismissed it. "It's clear this is freaking you out, so forget I said anything."

But to my surprise Bella rose from her seat on the sofa and halted in front of me. Her deep chocolate eyes penetrated mine when she spoke; clearly she was determined to get her point across.

"Edward, this is all so confusing. For you but for me as well. Most of my life has been about surviving. I have never had someone who cared for me the way you do. I mean, Angela is my friend but this - " she gestured between us, "is totally different."

"And I am freaking out a little - well more than a little - but there is no way I'm going to forget what you said."

To my even bigger surprise she reached out to tentatively brush a finger against my bare forearm before withdrawing quickly.

"I have issues. So many funking issues."

"I know," I said. "But so do I."

"Exactly!" Bella agreed. "And that's not a good base to start a relationship on. Whatever that entails."

She obviously had a very good point. One I really tried to consider. And once again the ultimate question popped up: was it possible that despite all these rational objections, I could actually love Bella and decide to pursue a relationship with her?

Most of my life I had believed in a certain principle of right and wrong; always using my faith and the laws of the church to justify actions; find meaning in things. But love couldn't be analysed like that. Love was unexpected and meant you had to put yourself out there; give a part of yourself that was fragile and easily broken to someone else. To have faith in a feeling that could get you hurt scared me but it didn't scared me off.

And so I tried to weigh the pros and cons, trying to be logical about this and convince myself that these feelings; love or not had to be put into perspective. I was starting to feel extremely silly for my confessions and my embarrassment was growing by the way Bella seemed way more rational about this than me. I was acting like a love sick boy and I had to ask myself if maybe Bella had a point when she said that spending time with her and the fact she was the first woman I had spend time with in a possible romantic setting was the reason these feelings had erupted.

"Edward," Bella tried to snap me out of it, her face laced with guilt as if she had just given me bad news, which in a way she had. "It's not like I don't understand how you feel, I mean, there are definitely times when I find the lines are getting very blurry and you are a fantastic guy," she trailed off

"But you don't feel the same," I said solemnly, trying to hide how much that actually hurt me. And that pain; the idea that I was feeling these things and that Bella didn't reciprocate, gave me a sudden epiphany.

I had these feelings for Bella and she might never return them beyond the level of friendship. I felt rejected and the feeling cut like a knife through my heart. Was _that_ love?

"No, no," Bella said, flailing her arms to get my full attention. "That's not what it is. I mean... I want to feel the same but I am scared. Just having this conversation, knowing that it's such a huge deal for both of us... it terrifies me. Because I think I could feel the same."

"You _could_ feel the same. What does that mean?" I said, feeling utterly confused. "You either feel something or you don't. It's not a matter of: maybe I do or I want to feel something."

Bella started pacing, murmuring to herself how weird this was until she stopped and turned to look at me.

"Edward, I have no idea what it's like to love someone. I mean, you love your family so you recognize the feeling in some form. I think I am capable of caring for people but I have no idea how to love. And when I am around you I feel safe and when I am _not_ around you, I miss being around you.

"But is that love?" she wondered, mostly to herself. "Is that the 'can't eat, can't sleep' feeling Ben and Angela seem to have?"

"Well, I think we both have the 'can't sleep' part down, though for different reasons," I tried to joke.

Bella gave me a small smile and went to sit on the sofa, tugging her feet under her body.

"Maybe we just need to see where this goes," I suggested, strangely hopeful that maybe she hadn't rejected me after all but just didn't know how to handle all this which basically echoed my own feelings. "Learn as we go?"

"And how would that work?"

"Well, we keep doing what we do now. I mean, there's still the Redemption Program and I don't want to risk anything affecting that."

"So nothing would change," Bella said. I thought I saw some sadness and disappointment in her eyes but it could have been my imagination. These mixed signals were hard to keep up with.

"Not necessarily. We spend a lot of time together already and we could keep on doing that. But as far as feelings go; we try not to force anything and let nature take its course. Do what we feel."

"That makes sense, I guess." Bella agreed. She sounded relieved now that we had reached some sort of conclusion.

"Speaking of spending time together; my mother asked me to extend an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner next Thursday."

Bella's face scrunched up and I knew why. My father would be there. Understandably, she wasn't keen on facing him again after the way he had treated her.

"I don't think it's such a good idea for me to have Thanksgiving dinner with your family," she said.

"Because of my father," I stated and she nodded. "I can guarantee you he will behave himself. It's your choice but I would hate it if you stayed home all by yourself."

Bella chuckled and there was a teasing light in her eyes when she spoke. "What makes you think I don't have plans?"

My cheeks colored red and I felt like a fool for thinking she didn't have plans. For all I knew she could be planning dinner with Angela.

"I didn't think of that," I admitted sheepishly.

"Relax, Edward. Although I do have some plans on Thursday. Angela is helping at the community center, passing out food to people who can't have a proper Thanksgiving dinner and I said I would help. This Redemption Program stuff is making me soft." She winked.

I smiled at the idea of Bella doing something charitable because it showed her big heart even if she didn't want to admit it. It amazed me that while she had been through so much, she still managed to do selfless things.

"Actually, my mother helps with handing out the food every year so she will be at the community center as well. Dinner won't be until after. And I think she sort of mentioned that she would love it if you helped her prepare dinner at our family home."

"Oh... I don't know." Bella hesitated.

"Look, just think about it. If you don't want to, it's fine. But if you like to come, we'd love to have you."

Bella gave me a skeptical look and I knew she was still thinking of how my father would give her a hard time.

"I promise he won't give you trouble; if you decide to come."

"We'll see," was her only answer.

* * *

The week leading up to Thanksgiving was hectic for me because I had a few assignments to hand in and I had a meeting with Kate a day before Thanksgiving break to discuss my dissertation. I was hoping she would give me positive feedback but when she read my outline and first concept, she wasn't completely satisfied.

"This is good, Edward, really, but I have to admit I find it... a little all over the place. I read a lot of confusion in it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but this seems incoherent and you're usually a very straight to the point person."

I felt disappointed. Not by what Kate said because what she said was probably true but I hated how I could feel the subject slipping from my hands. For some reason, while I had gotten a decent amount of work done in the past few weeks, I had never felt connected to the words and I found myself searching for the right way to approach it.

"Have you asked Bella if she is okay with becoming a part of your research?"

I nodded. "Yes, I did and she is okay with it."

"Good, that's really good," Kate smiled. "I think that she, or rather her experiences with the subject, can really elevate your dissertation because it shows various different views on the matter."

"Can you give me some pointers on what I need to do differently?" I asked, hoping Kate would have an answer that would help me get my dissertation on the right track.

"I think it's not so much that you are approaching the subject in the wrong way. I mean collecting data by handing out questionnaires is always a good method, and I like the idea of using your experience of being a buddy to Bella in the Redemption Program but what's missing is a certain passion."

"Passion?"

Kate sighed as she pushed her blonde locks out of her face. I took a moment to look at her. Now that I saw Bella in a different light I wondered if I could see a potential partner in Kate as well. Not because I had feelings for her but because I was curious to see if feeling this way belonged exclusively to Bella.

The answer was simple. Of course it was only Bella.

Seeing Kate and her all American beauty; blonde straight hair, blue eyes, nice smile, it left me unaffected. No sweaty palms or the strange connection I felt when I was close to Bella. I hadn't expected to feel something but it did remind me of the burning question that still didn't have an answer.

Was it possible that I loved Bella? Or that I could, given time?

By no means had it become easier to answer that question because there was no definite yes in my head. A strong possibility but no full out scream from the top of my lungs YES! And I guess that made sense. A few months ago I had been free of these types of emotions and now I was on a rollercoaster of feelings and deciphering them one by one was scary, confusing and would take time.

"What I mean to say is," Kate spoke, pulling me from my thoughts, "I think that if you had done this dissertation a few months ago the passion for God, the belief in the Divine would be there."

"And it's not there now?" I asked, surprised and shocked. If there was something that hadn't changed it was my faith. It was the one thing I was sure of.

"No, it's there," Kate assured me. "I am sure I don't need to tell you it's there. But it's changed. I think it's not about your faith changing, because I know how strongly you believe. But what has changed is the fact you are no longer holding on to one future perspective... and that's changing the way you approach your subject...

...and that shows in your concept. You are all over the place in your outline and I think it's because you feel confused about your future and the role your faith can play in it."

"You said I had a choice. That becoming a priest wasn't the only way to serve God and express my faith."

Kate gave me a warm smile. "I know, and it would seem you have given my words plenty of thought."

"Yes," I sighed. "But I hate how it seems to be affecting my research. I want this dissertation to be good."

"And it will be. Edward, you can embrace this confusion and make it a part of your dissertation. What's more powerful than a man who had been sure of one destiny, only to have Divine Intervention guide him twice?"

"You think I was guided twice?"

"I know that something made you believe you were destined to become a priest. I am not sure of the details and I don't need to know but now that Bella has entered your life and your feelings for her are making you consider other options; maybe the first time was to connect you to your faith and now it's about using that faith to its full purpose."

"Perhaps."

"A few weeks ago, you thought having romantic feelings for Bella was a bad thing. I am willing to bet you no longer feel that way."

I remembered that conversation all too well. When Kate had pointed out that having feelings for Bella didn't have to be a bad thing, I had protested at first because it had been unfathomable to even consider those feelings, let alone acting on them. But a lot had changed since then and as much as it scared me to let go of something I had believed in for so long, I knew that ultimately I had to make that choice. If I got close to Bella and allowed my feelings to guide me that also meant I'd have to give up on becoming a priest. It couldn't be both, thus were the law of the Catholic Church.

If I chose to follow the path of becoming a priest then I could no longer pursue these romantic feelings and I would have to lock them away, hoping time would help them fade.

"I am considering my options. Like you said I should."

"Good," Kate nodded. "I am glad you are looking at what you need as opposed to what you think you have to do."

"It's not an easy choice," I admitted.

"Just give it time. At some point you'll receive a sign and then the choice will be obvious."

We said our goodbyes after talking through the concept of my dissertation for another twenty minutes or so, until Kate had to excuse herself for an appointment off campus. I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving before heading home.

I had just stepped inside the door of my apartment when my cell phone rang. Looking at the display, I saw it was Bella and seeing her name flash in neon made me smile. It was a pleasant surprise that she called in the middle of the day, though that feeling quickly dissipated when I realized she never called me in the middle of the day.

Suddenly anxious there was some kind of emergency, I picked up.

"Bella?"

"Hey you!" she greeted me and she sounded fine; stress free. I breathed a sigh of relief which she caught because I breathed into the phone a little too loudly.

"Okay, thanks for the creepy breathing," she teased. "You sound out of breath, everything okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I just got home. I am worried something might be up with you though, since you never call during the day."

"I don't?" Bella wondered. "Hmm, you pay attention to the weirdest things. Anyway, I did call you for multiple reasons, actually. But no emergency."

"Multiple reasons?" I said, feeling puzzled but relieved she was alright. "Do I need a checklist to get through them?"

"Very funny," Bella quipped. "Emmett must be pleased you're getting funnier."

"Thanks. Anyway, do spill. I am curious now."

"Okay, well first: I received a call from James Brandon today. Even though my super fun date with a judge is not until January, he wants to go over some things and he's looking to schedule a meeting next week. I can meet with him solo, but I thought maybe you'd want to be there."

Right, Bella's court case. It had been deceptively easy to forget about some of her problems but it was near December and suddenly January 17 was getting scarily close.

"Do you want me to be there?"

"Is that a trick question? if I say yes I look needy, if I say no, I hurt your feelings?"

"Just tell me what you want," I encouraged her softly. "I'll be there if that's what you need."

"I want you to be there," Bella said softly.

"There, that wasn't so hard now was it? Okay, first reason tackled, what's next?"

"Well. Angela called Emmett, they talked and she got the job."

"That's good news for her," I said. "I still think it was very selfless to give up on that job yourself."

"Hardly," Bella disagreed. "Anyway, she and Ben want to celebrate by having dinner tonight."

"Dinner? Like at a restaurant?"

I could practically hear Bella rolling her eyes at my suggestion. Angela and Bella didn't quite have the financial stability to dine out and I felt utterly foolish for even bringing it up.

"Never mind. I bet you mean cooking."

"I do mean cooking. I am making a salmon dish."

"You hate salmon," I pointed out.

"I am sure I can pretend to like it. Anyway, because Angela wants to bond or whatever with Emmett, she invited him too. And well, you love salmon, so I thought maybe you'd want to come too?"

She posed it as a question, her voice unsure. As if I would turn down the invitation.

"What time?"

"Well... how about right now? I mean, I might need one of your 'Salmon is awesome' pep talks to get through this recipe."

"You mean you want to exploit me in the kitchen."

"Pretty much, yes."

"Okay, I'll be right over. On one condition."

"What's that?"

"Let me bring dessert."

"Fair enough," Bella agreed with a chuckle.

"Good, now... are we done with your list of reasons to call me because I am starting to suspect that you only called because you need help in the kitchen," I teased.

"Well, there is one more thing," Bella hedged.

"What is it?"

"It's about that Thanksgiving invite..."

My heart started beating a little faster. I knew that if Bella would decline I'd have to accept her decision. But a selfish part of me wanted her to say yes because I wanted her there with me at my family's house, instead of alone, even if Thanksgiving at the Cullens made her feel somewhat uncomfortable. I even had half a mind to cancel on my family and spend it with her if she would turn down my mother's invite.

"Yes?"

"If the offer still stands, tell your mother I would love to be there...

...on one condition..."

"What's that?"

I couldn't contain a smile which Bella must have heard because she let out a nervous chuckle.

"I bring dessert," she said.

"Fair enough."

* * *

**A/N: I know this is slightly late. I blame it on a minor case of writer's (well more like editing) block and real life stuff. To make amends I did write another outtake for you to enjoy later in the week. More on that below. About this chapter: Bella and Edward have The Talk. All I can say is that it's baby steps for them. This chapter also deals with some flashback stuff about the talk with Carlisle and Emmett whose the one to encourage Edward to do something (the kiss and the talk)**

**Next up: Thanksgiving in August (well November in the story ;)**

**Kudos:**

**Bring On The Wonder is nominated for 3 Shimmer Awards**

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**As always: thanks to readers, people who've recommended this story and all the lovely reviews. Be sure to check "Bring on the Outtakes" in the next few days (tomorrow or Wednesday) to get a glimpse of what comes next. It's an outtake but if you don't read it, you might miss a few small details.**

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**Have a good week!**


	32. Thankful Part One

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable; she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 30: THANKFUL Part One**

8:00 AM.

Happy fucking Turkey Day to me.

I was fucking tired which sucked because today was definitely going to be an intense day so I needed all my energy.

I tried to wake myself with some strong coffee but for some reason the caffeine only made me feel more on edge. I felt a lot of anxiety not knowing what to expect at the community center and later on at the Cullen house.

And that made me feel powerless.

I was standing in my tiny kitchen, staring at the ingredients to make a classic pumpkin pie and a pecan pie to bring over to the Cullens for Thanksgiving dinner. Baking was at least something to distract me from the thoughts that kept assaulting my mind with the intention to drive me fucking nuts.

My worries played on a nice, steady loop with a rhythm that screamed panic. Baking pies meant I worried about how they'd turn out. Then as my mind wandered, I started thinking about why I was making those pies; the promised dessert for the Cullen Thanksgiving dinner. Major potential freak out if I screwed up so I tried to tell myself it would be fine.

Of course, I wasn't able to forget about the food handout at the community center either. For some reason, doing this charitable thing made me feel like a hypocrite. Bad girl doing good. It felt wrong.

Fuck, I was starting to hate this day already and it had barely begun.

So yeah, happy Thanksgiving to me.

The last time I had been part of a real turkey, gravy and pumpkin pie Thanksgiving dinner, I'd been a different girl.

Isabella Volturi.

I had sat at a fancy set table with traditional Thanksgiving food, prepared by one of the best caterers in Chicago.

Trust me when I say, you don't want to have Thanksgiving dinner with the two people you despise the most. With Aro on my far left and Renée on my far right and no one but the occasional servant walking about, conversation had been minimal. Renée had barely touched her food which had pissed Aro off because it had made her seem ungrateful.

Unfortunately he had not taken his anger out on the right person that night.

It had been my last Thanksgiving in that home.

My last Thanksgiving, period.

Until now.

* * *

I worked on preparing the ingredients for the pies for almost an hour, while I listened to the Food Network in the background. As I focused on the recipes, I felt myself getting a little calmer.

I had to admit that working with ingredients, creating something people could enjoy was kind of fulfilling.

Making the pumpkin pie was easy; it was a basic recipe and I had it in my tiny oven in no time. I was actually making two, because Angela had asked me to bake one for her as well since she was going to spend Thanksgiving at Ben's parents.

I was about to start roasting the pecans – it would bring out their flavor better - for the pecan pie when my phone started ringing.

Surprised that someone would call me at his hour– it was barely 9:30 AM - I grabbed it to check the display.

_Edward._

Edward?

I felt how a smile played on my lips and how my heart started pounding a little faster in anticipation. Edward was calling me.

It made me happy. But then I realized that there was no reason for him to call me this early and that replaced the good feeling with one of unease.

"Hello?" I said hesitantly, my voice sounding a little shaky.

"Good morning Bella," Edward greeted me, his voice warm and velvet; no sound of distress or sadness whatsoever. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing this was apparently a social call.

"Good morning, Edward," I commented. "You're up early."

"I couldn't sleep and I figured… well, I assumed that you would be up as well."

I chuckled. "And what if I'd been asleep?"

"Then you would have complained that I'd woken you up."

"Of course I could have," I argued. "Or maybe I wouldn't have picked up. So you're calling to see if I'm awake?"

"Well, I know that today won't be easy for you, so I just wanted to call; see how you were doing."

Hmm, was he in Redemption Program mode or was he calling as the one – and only - guy I was allowing myself to get close to? The guy I could potentially date?

"Also," Edward intervened my thoughts, "I wanted to see if maybe today you are more willing to share with me what pies you are making."

"Not a chance, but nice try."

"Bella, I need to know," Edward whined, or rather pretended to. "It's important I know. I might be allergic or something. Do you want me to go into shock?"

To be honest I hadn't really thought of that but Edward's false pleas didn't fool me. He sucked badly at trying to manipulate. He was way too pure for that.

"It's not spinach, so I think you'll be fine. But if you're worried about me poisoning you, you better name your allergies so I can check."

Edward sighed but couldn't suppress a chuckle. "No allergies."

"Okay, good," I said. "Then you'll have to wait until tonight."

"Fine, be like that. I could always start a guessing game."

"Don't," I warned. "You're just going to have to act like a big boy and be patient."

Edward chuckled at that.

"So... is that all?" I wondered. "You called to pick my brain. Because that seems like a waste now that you haven't gotten your answer."

"I told you, I wanted to make sure you were feeling alright. So, are you?"

Right. Edward the buddy, the one always concerned. It was as annoying as it was endearing. I didn't want him to worry but at the same time it was a constant affirmation that he cared for me. Of course, this caring… was it the romantic kind of caring or was it the obvious obligation that came with signing on to care for me?

I remembered what he had told me. That he had feelings for me. It wasn't that I didn't believe him but it was hard to reconcile the idea that every gesture, every moment;_ everything _Edward did stemmed from those feelings. Maybe I was wrong to question it but I'd been hurt and disappointed plenty of times by people who claimed to care for me or were forced to by nature and law.

It would take me some time to get used to believing in Edward's sincerity.

"I am fine. Anxious for later but nothing I won't survive."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I could tell Edward wanted to talk about it; he wanted to help me; reassure me perhaps. And at the same time he wanted to know what was going on in my mind; a part of me that he couldn't seem to grasp because I always refused to share. But he kept trying.

"I already told you how I felt yesterday; I am nervous about dinner and about the food handout," I reminded him. "That hasn't changed but I am sure I'll get through it."

"Okay, if you're sure."

"I am sure," I told Edward firmly. "Look, I hate to cut this short but I have some baking to do. And I'm sure you have stuff to do as well."

"Yes, stuff," Edward murmured. "I'll see you later."

"Definitely. And Edward…"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks for calling. It means a lot."

"Anytime, Bella. I'll see you soon."

"Soon." I breathed into the phone, not knowing if he'd hung up or not.

He hadn't.

"Soon," he echoed before the line went dead.

* * *

There was something fucking therapeutic about baking. There was focus and structure; the ingredients went into the bowl in a certain order. If you didn't follow a recipe you could screw it up. But it wasn't just the basics of following a recipe. There was more to it. Maybe it was a certain feel you needed to have; some sort of a talent. Whatever the fuck it was, I was surprisingly good at it. And I wasn't good at many things, but cooking and baking... I got it. It wasn't rocket science but it was something that might make me stand out for something other than giving great blow jobs.

I kneaded the dough for the pecan pie into a ball and flattened it into a disk like shape. Feeling the dough shape beneath my hands by moving the rolling pin was kind of powerful. This was something I could control.

And that's what I'd been missing lately. On the streets things had been quite simple. If men wanted me to suck them or fuck them, they had to pay. If they didn't, it was their loss. Whatever happened, I always controlled the situation.

Of course, there were times when the tables were turned but most of those times I had told the fuckers to back off and walked away.

Except that one time. That one time I'd been under the influence of a magic pink pill and had allowed to get myself fucked in the…

I shuddered, trying to block out the images that seeped into my brain like black ink blotching what little spirit I had.

I couldn't allow a fucker like him to affect me. He'd won once and while what he had done had defiled me almost as bad as… Aro…

I took a deep breath as I tried to control myself; he was not allowed to haunt me.

It was fucking bad enough he occupied my nightmares, so during the day, in the safety of consciousness, I had to pretend that what had happened with Laurent was hardly different from all the paid fucks I'd allowed all these years. My body had healed and my mind could repress the rest.

I finished baking the pies and once they were done I put them in a Tupperware box. After cleaning up, I took a shower. Once I was all clean, I got out wrapped in a towel and turned to my closet to determine what to wear. This wasn't easy because I wanted to go casual for handing out food at the community center but the Cullens would probably dress fancy for dinner and the last thing I wanted was to look like a slouch, although I had yet to see Edward in anything other than jeans, chucks and a hoodie. I would be out of place regardless but at least I could control my wardrobe.

I couldn't wear my fancy dress pants again because I had already worn them the last time – I didn't want anyone to think it was the only dress pants I owned; even though it was - so I opted for black skinny jeans and a cotton off white blouse I couldn't even remember ever buying, but it was hanging clean and crisp in my closet so I must have at some point. I opted to wear black ballet flats and a green vest over the blouse so I wouldn't get cold.

I looked preppy but it worked. I decided to let my hair dry naturally and wear it in a ponytail because it was more sanitary to keep my long hair away from any food.

I was checking the pies, making sure they were secure in their boxes when Angela stopped by to check on me and to pick up her own pie.

"Thanks for doing this," she said.

"No problem, how do you feel?"

"I'm nervous," she admitted. "I guess you must have felt that way as well when you met Edward's parents for the first time."

I gave her a poignant look as I wrapped the pie for her. A look that said, "Don't even fucking start."

But she did start. Of course she did. Because she was Angela and she was observant and fucking nosy to boot.

"When I met Edward's parents they knew I was a whore. So to say I was nervous would be a fucking understatement, given the fact they are basically saints and I couldn't be more different from them. Also, you're meeting your boyfriend's parents. Edward was not my boyfriend."

"But he is now?" Angela asked curiously. "Wow, Bella… do share; what has changed?"

I hated how I had let that slip. It wasn't even a conscious reaction. Plus, it sure as fuck wasn't true either.

Crap. This would give Angela something to feed on and now she would probably not shut up about it.

"You know he is not my boyfriend. He's my friend," I muttered.

"Is that so? I could have sworn I've seen something different." She winked.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"I couldn't help but notice how close you and Edward seemed last night. And not just friendly close."

I sighed. This was what I hated. Angela seeing things that weren't there. Or, rather seeing things that were possibly there but I had yet to fully accept. I wanted to figure these things out for myself, not let others dictate them. I needed time to process these big, possibly life changing things.

"We're friends," I stated again.

"Bella," Angela sighed, impatient. "I think we both know that you're more than just friends. You should see the way Edward looks at you. I know that he's supposed to change his t-shirts for a white collar but when I look at the way he acts around you, with such care and love, I wouldn't be surprised if he chose not to."

Ugh, Angela was really way too observant. Edward was considering the very thing she described. Maybe he wasn't going after that white collar after all and while I was happy for him, the idea that he did that because of me, made me feel guilty, giving me a whole new round of butterflies when thinking about his family and how they would react to something like that. It's not like they wouldn't be able to link that decision to my presence in his life. Heck, it was the very reason Doctor Deacon acted so weird with me.

"You're not far off," I mumbled, knowing I couldn't lie to my best friend.

"What?" Angela said. Clearly the admission surprised her. "He's not going to be ordained?"

"Well, he's thinking about his options; we... we... I think we might sort of... not just be friends," I admitted with a sigh of frustration.

I expected an 'I told you so' but instead Angela clapped her hands, smiling broadly. "That's such good news," she cheered. "You two are so great together, even if you wouldn't dare admit it."

"We're friends," I emphasized again. "I mean, for now. But we both know there's something else there and we're... well I guess we're going to explore that."

"Wow. That's huge for the both of you. I mean, if Edward starts dating, he can never become a priest."

Truth be told, since I shunned everything to do with religion because it was tainted with bad memories, I hadn't really thought about the consequences that came with actually dating Edward. I hadn't realized that what Angela said was right. If Edward decided to date me, in whatever form, and we would get intimate in whatever form - I wasn't just talking a peck on the cheek - the whole priest deal would be off. He either shared his soul with a partner - I decided not to dwell on how that could be me - or he gave it to God.

"Fuck," I exclaimed, fully aware of how I might be robbing him off something he'd wanted most of his life. And sure, I hated the whole priest thing but it had been Edward's dream. While his motivation was full of shit to me - I had never believed the accident with his friend, Jacob, had been a message from the Big Guy upstairs - it was his belief, his life, his choice to make. And to change that because he wanted to find out if we could be together, that was incredible.

I wondered if he realized that himself.

"Bella?"

"I... I just realized what Edward is giving up," I explained. "I mean... I freaked out when he told me about having feelings for me but I never thought about how big it was for him. I mean... he's giving up a big thing even if I don't agree with any of that stuff."

"Bella, you have enough to deal with on your own. Don't worry about Edward and focus on yourself. I am sure that he has thought this through before he told you how he felt"

"I guess."

But I wasn't so sure. In fact, a new wave of anxiety battled inside me at the idea that Edward hadn't thought this through at all and was acting on his feelings because it was all so new.

"You could always talk to him about it. Ask him if he realizes what it means if you two will actually get closer and start a relationship."

Whoa, the R-word. That was definitely a fucking step too far.

"Yeah, there's no fucking way I am going to do that," I muttered. "We're in a major exploratory stage; friends with the option to grow into more. No way am I going to think about or even bring up the R word."

"Fine, but you know it'll end up that way."

I rolled my eyes. "I have no fucking clue," I muttered.

"Just wait and see. Or rather, act on it. Bella, I know you. Edward means a lot to you. I won't use the infamous L word because that'll send you into overdrive but he's the first and only guy I've ever seen you get close to."

"I care for him," I agreed. "But Ang, I am so fucked up. I have no idea how to love someone."

"You'll learn. That's why it's a good thing you are taking things slow. You both have a past that has left little to no room for romance. There's nothing wrong with exploring it now."

"Thanks for the approval. Anyway, enough about me. How are you? And Ben. Dinner at the 'rents seems pretty huge."

"Things are pretty well. I feel good; the meds are really working well. And I met Ben's parents when we went to buy the fish and stuff yesterday and they are really nice."

I was happy for her. If anyone deserved a fucking break it was Ang.

"And the job?"

"I start Monday and I can't wait. Emmett seems really nice. He does seem a little lonely though."

"Yeah," I agreed. "He's been through a lot lately."

"Is his wife really not coming home for Thanksgiving?"

Rosalie had chosen to stay with her parents for Thanksgiving and while Emmett pretended to be cool, we all saw through it. Her behavior justified or not was crippling him inside. He'd never show it, hiding behind a happy go lucky attitude, but I'd seen the sadness in him more than once.

"Apparently not. It must suck for Emmett though. He loves her so much but she doesn't seem able to focus on anything besides losing the baby."

"It's a big thing though," Angela said. "But they should work it together instead of shutting each other out."

"Let's hope she realizes that soon."

* * *

Ben drove Angela and me to the community center where a cheerful Alice was awaiting us. As was Jasper.

I hadn't seen him since that night I'd been at Cowgirls, trying to undo every progress I had made before then. At the time it had seemed he had let me without interference but I knew better now; Jasper was the one who'd called Edward that night.

He knew plenty about fucking up his life and while I didn't know the specifics, I knew it was Alice who kept him afloat.

Because Angela was busy sucking face with Ben – apparently it was an appropriate way to say goodbye -I was forced to acknowledge Alice and Jasper by myself without Angela to shield me.

And shielding from these two I definitely needed. Alice was tiny but so fucking intense with her cheeriness and Jasper looked like he was analyzing my every move.

"Bella, you're here," Alice said happily, bouncing forward and grabbing my arm.

Right, Alice was a touchy feely person too.

"What did you bring?" she asked curiously, trying to take a peek inside the bag with the Tupperware containers.

"It's pie. I was kind of hoping I could store these here because I'm going to bring them to Thanksgiving dinner with the Cullen family after this," I explained with hesitation because Alice gave me an indecipherable look.

"We have some room in the refrigerator out back. Come on... I'll take you."

There was no room to protest because Alice was already dragging me along. We passed Jasper who gave me a nod and entered the small kitchen that had a surprisingly large fridge.

"Okay, let's see..." Alice opened the fridge door and looked inside, searching for a spot. "Ah, there's some room right on top..."

She asked me for the containers and I handed them to her. She gently placed them in the back of the fridge and closed the door.

"There, now they'll be safe until tonight. I can't wait to see what you've made and taste it. I hear you are quite the chef."

She couldn't wait to see... and taste... shit, she was going to be there?

"You'll be there?" I wondered quietly.

Alice's broad grin held my answer.

Great. If Tiny Intensity and her Analytical Beau were going to be at the Cullens then there'd be even more eyes and ears focused on me. That would cause enough anxiety to cause a panic attack.

"Yes. We were supposed to have dinner with my brother but he and his girlfriend went to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. I was like, 'Seriously? Hawaii?' I mean that's not a place to spend Thanksgiving. You maybe go there in January or February when the cold in Seattle is starting to depress you, but November and especially during Thanksgiving; no way," she rambled on.

"I got it," I stopped her. "You're not spending Thanksgiving with your family."

"Nope, and Esme was kind enough to invite us. It's going to be so much fun to cook together."

Oh yes... so much fun. So much fucking torturous fun.

"You're helping with the cooking?" I asked

Alice nodded with a bright smile. "Yes and Esme told me - well squeeing was more like it, that you are helping too and well, I understand you are pretty good at cooking. Esme was gushing how much Edward and Emmett like your food, so I am really excited."

What the fuck was it with people and their expectations? I knew that the food part wouldn't be a problem. I could cook, I was sure of that but to be in a room with people who were used to interacting socially, like... humans. That would be hard since I hated making small talk. And Alice and Esme were fucking pros at it.

"Well, it's no big deal," I murmured.

"Sure it is. It seems like you are really doing well."

Doing well. Living in a dump and losing a job. I was doing awesome. On the other hand, the opposite wasn't true either. I had friends, a roof over my head, I wasn't spending Thanksgiving alone, and there was… Edward.

"I guess things could be worse," I said.

Alice was about to say something when she jumped up and squealed as Jasper entered the kitchen with a large container.

"Maggie and Esme are here. And they brought bread rolls cornbread and pumpkin pies for the handout."

"Excellent," Alice cheered. "Maggie has her own bakery," she explained to me before she left the kitchen.

"She's excited." Jasper chuckled. "Always has been about holidays."

I wanted to roll my eyes at Jasper making small talk. It was so obvious he was just trying to sense my mood before diving into asking me the tough questions. Jasper, as someone who probably hated small talk as much as I did, should know better.

"Good for her," I muttered.

"What about you? You a fan of Thanksgiving?"

Thanksgiving. A fan? Me?

No. Fucking. Way.

My last real Thanksgiving had probably been the worst because Aro had been half drunk and Aro hardly drank. But the times he had gotten wasted, Aro had turned out to be a mean drunk. And that night he had come into my room with the mission to be rougher and demanding than ever. All because my wonderful mother had pissed him off with her snooty 'too good for Thanksgiving dinner' shit. Bitch.

And so the last real Thanksgiving I'd celebrated had ended with a heavy and sweaty mess with grunts, moans and pants. Thank fuck for my ability to block all of that out. That had been my talent from a young age. Block out the yelling during the fights between Charlie and Renee when I was small. Block out every human emotion when Aro demanded my attention and claimed my body as a teen. Block out the disgust when I'd sucked some random fucker's cock when I'd worked the streets.

It was survival of the fittest in a shit filled world and I survived because I'd never allowed my emotions to guide me.

Of course, that never protected me from the true damage every single one of those occasions had caused. Every time Renee had yelled at Charlie how she wished I'd never been fucking born and he refused to stand up for me; every time Aro touched me…. fuck…ed me, they all shattered a piece of me and no matter how well I had learned to shield myself over the years, somewhere deep inside me, pieces of me were broken. And no pretense could heal that.

Working the streets and controlling who got access to my body had never fixed that. Pretending and shutting myself off had just made it a little easier to ignore how disgusting I'd always felt after.

And now I was Bella Swan.

Damaged fucking goods.

"No, I hate it."

"Yeah, me too," Jasper said. "I mean, I pretend to enjoy for Allie's sake but to me it's just a bunch of hoopla for happy people. And I think you and I both know that we ain't happy people. We are lucky to survive every day."

He had a fucking good point there. That was exactly what we were doing. Surviving.

It surprised me though that Jasper, who had supposedly conquered his demons, still felt like he was surviving instead of actually being happy.

"You're not happy?"

Jasper shook his head. "I am content right now. I am blessed to have Allie and I love her with all my heart but deep inside me there's still a black spot. Like an oil stain you can't get rid of."

It scared me to think that no matter how hard I tried, I would never find actual happiness. That content would be the maximum of feel-good I'd ever achieve. I wanted to be happy. I couldn't imagine not ending up happy after a shitload of therapy.

"You think you'll ever get there?"

Jasper smiled. "Hopefully. Look, Bella, I've done some fucked up shit in my life. Far worse than you. You did something with consent. Sure, it ain't the classiest profession but if men pay you for sex, they are partially responsible for the choice. Kinda like supply and demand. That's why I keep Cowgirls even though I have far better establishments now. It was my first business and I'd rather those girls be safe in my club without having to sell their cooters than to hit the streets and end up like some of the coke whores you and I both know. And if my girls choose to offer their services, they better be making sure it's not inside the club."

"Do you ever feel guilty for letting us roam around inside and taking fuckers out back?" I wondered. "Do you hate that you allowed it?"

"In a way. I mean, I thought I could keep an eye on you that way. But unlike the dancers who stop after taking off their clothes… I offered you a platform to… well fuck around, thinking it was safer than any other place…

…and we both know how that turned out for you," Jasper finished with a pained look. "I feel so bad about that. I should've known he was up to no good. I had him checked out you know…."

"Yeah, well… let's not go there," I interrupted Jasper, not willing to think of Laurent right now. "Maybe we both have too many demons. Maybe we don't deserve to be happy."

"I sent several drug dealers to the hospital when they refused to sell me coke. I assaulted a police officer and well... the list goes on," Jasper muttered. "That doesn't equal a free happiness card…

"But... I have left that behind me and while I hate therapy with a great passion, I want to get better for Allie and it's working. Recovering and finding some form of happiness takes time. It might be something you need to work on for the rest of your life. But you know what? That's what makes you realize how lucky you are. Because you could've ended up on those streets for the rest of your life. Not even knowing how long that life might be.

"We're lucky Bella. I have Alice and you have..."

"Edward," I interrupted, surprising Jasper. But I wasn't answering for him though it might have seemed that way. Instead I looked at the tall bronze haired figure standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Edward, what are you doing here?"

I was so ecstatic to see him that I practically ran to him and only stopped myself when I was basically in his arms. And then, when Edward actually opened his arms - albeit a bit hesitantly - I had no issue with stepping into his embrace.

It was a gentle hug, nothing too exaggerated but I'd never felt more safe. And for a moment I believed that I could find happiness, if happiness entailed that I'd be safe from my demons in Edward's arms.

"Hi," he whispered against my hair, clearly just as surprised and overwhelmed by this very close contact as I was but seemingly welcoming it too.

I hated letting go but I didn't want things to get too intense. While I felt safe, there was also reluctance because this was so very different from a simple chaste kiss on the cheek. This was the very thing I normally hated. Close contact; being constrained by strong arms, even in the kindest gesture.

I pulled away with a small smile. I felt sort of shy, hoping Edward didn't find all this too weird.

"Hi," I said, noticing that Jasper was gone.

"That was... different," Edward said. "But nice," he added with a smile."Very nice."

I nodded shyly, repressing the desire to shield myself from opening up.

"So... what _are_ you doing here?" I asked him again, partially to change the subject.

"My mother and Maggie needed help bringing in some things. It's strange how Emmett has a lot more muscle than me and yet I am always the one carrying things."

"Like the first time we met," I pointed out awkwardly.

I remembered that meeting well. Me in my whorish get up, Edward all innocent with his warning to take care of myself. How times had fucking changed.

"Right," Edward nodded. "That seems like so long ago."

But it had only been a few months. If I hadn't met him that night, I would have stayed on the streets; surviving. Without any chance of getting away.

And if Edward hadn't met me that night he would've continued to follow the path to priesthood without hesitation.

That brought back Angela's words of consideration. That I needed to talk to Edward about his awareness of what he was giving up by pursuing a more intimate relationship with me.

"Anyway, here I am," Edward said.

"Yup. Are you staying?"

Edward nodded. "It's this or watching football with Emmett. I figured that it would be nice for him to spend some time with my father."

I frowned because while it was easy to imagine Emmett in the mood to watch football, I had a hard time placing the saintly Doctor Deacon in the same role.

"Your dad watches football?" I asked skeptically.

"I don't know if he actually likes it but Emmett does and I suppose it's a nice opportunity for them to bond."

"I guess."

"Bella!" a warm voice sounded from the hall way.

Esme.

She entered the kitchen with another woman in tow. The woman, who I presumed to be Maggie, was no taller than me. Her hair color was between blonde and grey, cut into a bob. Her eyes were a light grey and extremely friendly.

"Mrs. Cullen, hi," I said politely. Esme Cullen looked shockingly casual. Had I worried about my clothes this morning, I now realized how silly that had been. Esme was wearing faded jeans, a red turtleneck and tennis shoes. Her honey-bronze hair was pulled back into a casual bun.

"Call me Esme, dear, please," she chastised me gently before she gave me a quick hug. "I am so happy you're here and that you'll join us for Thanksgiving dinner."

"Thank you for inviting me," I answered softly.

She turned to Maggie and gestured between us in introduction. "Maggie this is Bella, Edward's friend."

Maggie flashed me a warm smile and took my hand. "Bella, it's lovely to meet you. Esme has told me so much about you."

While this Maggie seemed nice and I knew Esme Cullen was 100% genuine as well, I still hated to have to talk to people about casual, meaningless chit-chatty topics.

"I hear you're quite the cook," Maggie said, smiling kindly.

More expectations I couldn't possibly fucking live up to. People sure knew how to put pressure on me today.

"Bella is the best," Edward beamed. "She cooks and she bakes and it all tastes wonderful."

I watched Esme as she looked at her smiling son with a hint of curiosity. Of course, she had never seen him this enthusiastic about a girl before. I wondered how she felt about it but her face gave nothing away.

"Let's not exaggerate," I shrugged. "I do alright."

"Maggie owns a bakery," Esme explained. "One of the more successful ones in the area, I might add."

"Oh, shush," Maggie reprimanded her friend. "I simply love baking and am lucky enough to make some money with it."

Fucking lucky indeed. If only we all had those types of opportunities.

"That's great," I offered, not knowing what else to say.

"Esme mentioned you'll be providing us with some wonderful Thanksgiving pies."

I nodded.

"Well, I can't wait to taste it," Maggie said.

Something that I'd heard before today. This was going to be even tougher than I thought. I'd been nervous before, just thinking of how welcoming Doctor Deacon had been the last time I had dinner with the Cullens. But now, with all these additional guests I hadn't counted on and their expectations when it came to my baking, my anxiety was continuing to move into overdrive.

I frowned at the thought, which of course Edward caught because he was staring at me. His eyes were burning and I could tell he was dying to ask me what was wrong but didn't because his mother and her friend were there. And then the moment passed because Tiny Intensity came bounding in.

"It's time, it's time, it's time!" Alice announced. "The first people are arriving."

We spent three hours handing out plastic plates with a few slices of turkey with stuffing and gravy. Side dishes were mashed potatoes, sweet peas, bread rolls and cornbread. People also got a bottle of water and a slice of pumpkin pie, which Maggie had baked in her bakery.

Edward had been right when he'd assured me most people wouldn't care about who gave them their food, as long as they got some.

The thing that got to me the most was the realization that this could've been me. I could've been one of those people who'd go to some shelter or community center to get some free food on a day like today. Most of these people lived on the streets, were squatters or travelled from shelter to shelter. If they were fucking lucky they had an apartment but most definitely most of them didn't have a job or enough money to have a decent Thanksgiving dinner.

I noticed that Angela looked at these people with such pity. Where I identified with them, she felt sorry for them, proving she was far more selfless than me.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Edward interrupted my actual thoughts as he entered the kitchen where I was cleaning up. The food was gone, people had left and most volunteers had gone home to their families. Ben had picked up Angela and we had said goodbye after I'd wished her a Happy Thanksgiving and she had hugged me.

Esme and Maggie were helping Alice and Jasper upfront in the reception area with some administrative things. Apparently because the city council had approved of the Thanksgiving handout, they also needed to know how many people had shown up so everything had to be registered because the community center received subsidies for doing this.

Stupid bureaucracy. Like life was just about a bunch of fucking papers.

"So...?"

"Hmm? Oh, my thoughts… you really just offering me a lousy penny?"

Edward smiled and searched his pocket before pulling out a dollar bill. "This is all I have."

"Pfft." I sighed. "I was just thinking about how sad it is for these people to come here and have to basically beg for food. It's kind of funking demeaning."

Edward frowned. "I don't know if it's begging what they're doing, nor do I believe it's demeaning. I think most are happy to be getting a free meal."

"But still, you can't deny it's sad to have to live like that," I argued.

Edward nodded in agreement, looking at me intently. "Do you think about how that could've been you?"

"How can I not? It could have been me."

"Bella..." Edward said, moving closer to me and touching my cheek like it was the most normal and natural thing in the world. "It's not the same. You are turning your life around. These people, as tragic as it is, they don't seem to be able. Most of them have been coming here for years. They are often addicts who can't stop taking drugs and they can't hold a job. All they can do is try to survive. "

"Like I can hold a job," I pointed out harshly.

"That's not the same. You'll find another job. Losing it was hardly your fault."

I snorted. Edward was still so naïve at times. "I didn't fight very hard to keep it either, now did I?"

"Don't beat yourself up; things have changed," Edward told me. "Yes, it's incredibly sad for these people. But you can't put yourself in their shoes anymore."

"These people will never be able to do something with their life. To think that a few months ago I was in the same situation…

"I can't help it," I added in a whisper. "I feel this guilt. I chose the streets as my workplace consciously. I doubt these people chose their circumstances."

Edward sighed, brushing a loose strand that had escaped my ponytail out of my face. "Sometimes I believe that the streets chose you."

"You're wrong. They didn't."

"But you won't tell me why you chose to… make yourself available to these men."

I shuddered; the idea of ever sharing all my weakness was too much of a risk at this point. Edward would be so disappointed if he knew how easily I'd traded one hell in for another without fighting back. How tainted I truly was. He believed I was strong but my past told a different story. One I couldn't share at the risk of losing him.

"It doesn't matter," I argued.

"I think it does, but I respect that you won't tell me. Even though I hope someday you will."

"I want to," I said. "I'm just scared."

Without any hesitation but with enough incentive not to scare me, Edward pulled me into another hug.

"Don't be scared of me. I won't hurt you."

And I wanted to believe him. So badly.

* * *

The Cullen house was filled with the sounds of football. After a quick greeting where Emmett nearly knocked me over to grab me into a bear hug – which didn't make me feel as uncomfortable as expected - and Doctor Deacon gave me no more or less than a polite nod, we went into the kitchen to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. The guys stayed in the living room to watch the football game that was on.

Esme had already prepared the turkey earlier because it had to be in the oven for a while, so all we had to do was prepare the side dishes.

To say the Cullen kitchen was impressive was an understatement. Edward had once told me that his father had an indulgence for cars and it seemed his mother - while according to Edward not the best cook in the world - did like cooking enough to have all the latest, high tech appliances and such.

Plus, it was almost as large as the kitchen at the diner. Now, that piece of shit kitchen had not been impressive in size or quality. This kitchen was big enough to prepare food to feed an army.

Which was sort of what we were doing with four grown men eating.

I was preparing yams; not just making mashed yams but also French fried yams because according to Esme they were Edward's favorite Thanksgiving dish.

I washed, peeled and cut half of the yams into small dices. I cut the other half into strips. The dices had to be cooked before they could be mashed so they went into a boiling pan of water. The strips went into a zip lock bag with some nutmeg, olive oil and cinnamon to give the fries their flavor and seasoning. I took the bag and shook it properly before I spread out the strips on a plate with a baking sheet.

I handed the plate to Alice who was managing the ovens. Yes, multiple. The Cullens had two ovens. Large ones. Again, this kitchen could be used to start a restaurant.

I briefly wondered how their almighty god would feel about this ostentatious display of wealth but since the Cullens gave plenty back to the community and probably donated plenty of money as well, I had little doubt they were excused the indulgence.

Esme was working on making gravy and she stayed very close to me as I tried to work around the kitchen, cleaning up here and there and preparing a green been salad.

Alice and Maggie were engrossed in a conversation about some big fancy party to be held in a few weeks. Another charity thing from what I picked up, and their interaction gave Esme the opportunity to focus solely on me.

It made me very nervous.

"How have you been, dear?" she asked me at some point.

The dreaded question. Because this wasn't just a casual question. This was a question loaded with meaning; laced with a desire to look inside my mind and get a glimpse of what I was feeling.

Like mother, like son.

"I'm fine," I said with a smile, hoping it would be enough to convince her.

It didn't.

"Edward told me that you lost your job."

Thank you Edward for blabbing your mouth.

"He also told me not to bring it up," She chuckled. "But I'm a mom and well... I worry."

She worried. She... worried about me? She was a mom? Well, duh she WAS a mom; Edward's mom. My thoughts were becoming chaotic with all that my mind had to process and it was pushing my anxiety to the limit. What was Esme Cullen implying? That she worried about _me_ like a mom? The only mother I'd ever had on paper definitely never gave a damn about me in practice. She wasn't fucking worthy of that title.

"I am looking for a new job," I told her quietly. "Edward has been helping me."

"How's that going?"

"Not great. I don't… I don't have a lot of experience," I stammered sheepishly.

"You know, I happen to know Maggie is looking for help at the bakery. I could ask her to consider you…"

It was all so nice and sincere but it fucking pissed me off how some Cullens thought I was a charity case who needed hand outs like job opportunities. First Emmett and now his mom.

"Oh… I don't know," I hesitated. "I don't want Maggie to feel obligated to hire me because I know Edward and you're her friend and his mom."

"Well, Bella dear… I think after she tastes your dessert, she might offer you herself. You are truly a talent in the kitchen."

"Thanks." I blushed.

"I on the other hand," she chuckled, "I have all these fancy machines and hardly an idea how to use them. I'm certainly no Martha Stewart."

"Edward said you make great birthday cakes," I offered, recalling he once told me something to that effect.

"He did? Well, that was an exaggeration. A son being courteous towards his mother."

I shrugged, unsure of what to say.

I didn't need to because Esme was done with light conversation as she posed a new question.

"You two have gotten quite close, haven't you?"

How did I answer that? This was his mother. I had no idea if she meant it in a good or a bad way. If I said yes and she hated the idea of it, she could possibly tell me off. If I denied it, she would think I was a liar.

"We're good friends," I offered.

"I can see that. I couldn't help but notice how Edward gave you a hug earlier at the community center."

Make that two hugs. And great, his family was spying.

"You know, I have never seen him hug anyone but family. It took him a good few months before he would touch Rosalie when she and Emmett got serious. You have quite the effect on him."

Her voice was soft and motherly. There was no judgment there. She seemed... thankful, which was very odd.

"I... I don't know what to say," I admitted.

Esme smiled at me. "No need to say anything. I can see that you two are growing closer."

"And you're alright with that?" I murmured, equally curious and scared to learn her answer. I had no idea why I wanted his mother's approval. I had certainly never given a damn about what people thought of me before. But this was different. Edward's parents influenced him. As much as Doctor Deacon's behavior might not be cool with Edward, I was sure that his mother's opinion mattered to him. I wanted her to like me. To be okay with the possibility of me dating her son. Heck, she might even be able to soften her husband's stance on the subject.

My question seemed to throw Esme because the smile disappeared and her eyes grew... weary.

Silly Bella. Of course she wouldn't be alright with that. Her son was supposed to become a priest. Whatever presence I held in his life right now, that would all disappear when he would fulfill the destiny his parents - Doctor Deacon especially - had laid out for him. And I was Esme Cullen's charity case. I was allowed to have a job and a decent life and maybe even have Edward as a friend. But no more than that.

"It's not up to me to have a say in that," Esme said quietly. "I simply notice the changes in my son."

"And those changes disappoint you?" I said. "Even if you want to support him; even if you think I'm a nice girl, you still wish that he wasn't changing, possibly looking at a different future?"

Esme frowned, clearly taken aback by my direct words. I expected her to deny it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings so I was surprised when she said something else entirely.

"Bella, I am aware of your past. I don't know the details but there's no denying you've had a hard life so far. I am happy you're given the opportunity to turn that around...

...Still, I don't believe your former lifestyle is a reason for me to see you differently than any other girl that would come into Edward's life at this point. Of course, your past is a part of you and people can be prejudiced about that. I would lie if I said it's something I'm thrilled with. But, am I sad? For a long time I believed Edward would become a priest because that was what he wanted. If your presence in his life would change that, it would take getting used to, I can't deny that.

"However, I would be a hypocrite to fight against it or feel bitter…

…after all, my husband faced the same dilemma and look how that turned out." She winked. "You're a good girl, Bella. And we've all made mistakes. Big or small. We are but human."

Esme gave me a warm smile. I returned her smile and then a timer went off which indicated the turkey was ready.

"I better check on that," Esme said. "Oh, and Bella?"

"Yes?" I replied.

"I'm glad you're here today."

* * *

Our dinner setting was like the ones you saw in those annoying Hollywood movies. Big shiny oval dining table perfectly set with the best china and plates filled with mouthwatering food. A golden brown turkey in the center.

I was sitting next to Edward, with Emmett on my other side. Esme and Maggie sat across from Edward and Emmett while Alice and Jasper sat next to each other, with Alice next to Emmett on his other side.

Straight across from me Doctor Deacon sat and while he had offered me a few friendly smiles whenever our eyes met, I still felt his eyes shift between me and Edward whenever we were talking quietly. The look of disapproval was hard to miss even if he covered it up with smiles.

Of course before we could start eating, there had to be prayer.

Edward, very much aware of how uncomfortable that made me feel, grabbed my hand under the table when his father started speaking. He ran circles with his thumb over the back of my hand to sooth me.

_"Thank you, Father, for having created us and given us to each other in the human family. Thank you for being with us in all our joys and sorrows, for your comfort in our sadness, your companionship in our loneliness. Thank you for yesterday, today, tomorrow and for the whole of our lives. Thank you for friends, for health and for grace. May we live this and every day conscious of all that has been given to us.__ Amen."_

"Amen," the rest of the table spoke. Edward held my hand a little longer than necessary which didn't go entirely unnoticed. Doctor Deacon seemed to be in observation mode because he looked at the one hand of Edward and me that was visible, realizing that others were hidden under the table.

Feeling scrutinized under his father's stare I let go of Edward's hand and placed mine firmly on the table so Doctor Deacon could see them.

"Before we start," he spoke, his voice friendly and casual. "I would like for all of us to share what we're thankful for today. It's a Cullen tradition after all.

"I'm sure no one will mind that I start," he added and when no one argued he spoke softly. "I am thankful for the way the Lord guides me and fills me with love every single day. I am thankful for my wife and my sons; our wonderful family that's filled with so much love as well..."

To any other person this probably sounded like a wonderful speech but to me it felt void. I'd heard words like these before and they were empty; meaningless. Perhaps Carlisle Cullen meant them and believed in them but to me it sounded like a religious Hall Mark card. Typical, but without passion.

"...I am thankful that we are here to enjoy this meal amongst friends. I'm thankful for this wonderful day."

Esme, who was sitting next to her husband, gave a similar speech; thanking God, her husband, her sons and friends. Her thanks sounded much more real and warm. Alice and Jasper were thankful for each other and Jasper's ongoing recovery from his addiction, while Maggie was thankful that Esme had opened her house and heart for her to spend Thanksgiving with the Cullens.

Emmett was next and he mentioned being thankful for his family, friends and their support. Surprisingly, he didn't mention Rosalie specifically but no one commented on it. He also gave the obvious shout out to food, because well, he was Emmett and he loved food.

Then it was my turn. Now, this tradition of giving thanks wasn't one entirely new to me because Aro had used to do the same. But it was difficult for me to express myself in front of all these people. I tried not to draw fucking parallels between now and then but it was hard to ignore the déjà vu. Of course with Aro, expressing my thanks had meant telling him how grateful I was that he cared for me.

Fuck… I couldn't do this…

My eyes found Edward's and his deep, jade orbs encouraged me to speak.

"I… I am thankful for being here and for the opportunities I've been given and to have people who believe in me. I... I haven't celebrated a real Thanksgiving in a while, so I am thankful that Mrs. Cullen-" Esme gave me a stern look but smiled. "I mean Esme," I corrected myself, "invited me today...

...and mostly" – deep breath - "I am thankful to... to have Edward. Thankful he never gives up on me," I said, looking up at him. "That he cares for me and makes me feel better.

And I meant it. The words were so much easier to say when they were true. I was thankful to have Edward. And not just because he had saved me from a fucking horrible life on the streets. I simply couldn't imagine not having him in my life.

I was born and raised in darkness; a blackened, tarnished environment. But Edward was like a beacon of light; pure and white. A fucking angel.

Edward cared for me. Without ulterior motives, without wanting anything in return. He simply did.

Suddenly Angela's words from earlier rang pretty fucking true.

_You know it'll end up that way_

Sitting there, feeling our connection crackling between us, thinking of how safe I had felt in his arms, I could see it. How easy it could be to give in to falling in love with Edward.

"Really, thank you," I whispered, choking back my emotions because I had no intention of crying at the dinner table with all these people watching.

Edward's eyes seemed to mist over a bit and he scraped his throat to suppress his own emotion.

But he never looked away and neither did I. Instead he lifted his hand and brushed the back of it against my cheek. I loved how his touch left a small trace of that familiar tingle.

I knew we were being watched but I didn't fucking care.

"You never have to thank me for caring about you," Edward whispered. "Never."

"Edward," a voice interrupted.

Of course. Doctor Deacon, always ready, willing and able to cock block.

Edward held my stare a little longer, oddly obsessed with staring at my lips. But then he dropped his lingering hand from my face and turned to look at his dad.

"Yes?" he asked, clearly bemused.

"Your turn to share what you are thankful for, son."

His father sounded polite but I could hear the edge in his voice and Edward must have heard it too because he stuck his chin up in defiance a little before he answered.

"Isn't it obvious?" he murmured. "I am very thankful Bella came into my life.

"My fallen angel," he added in a whisper.

* * *

**A/N This is Part One. Part Two will be Edward's side of things.**

**I want to take this opportunity to give some thanks as well. This story is almost one year old (and there's still plenty to come) and I couldn't have done this without my BETA Parama. I have said it before and I'll continue to sing her praise; she is one of the pillars of this story. She supports it, makes it read so much better and at times remembers more about the characters than I do ;)**

**I also want to thank all the people who loyally review every chapter. I am not one to respond to individual reviews, unless there's a question or clarification necessary but I do appreciate every single word of praise and constructive criticism I get.**

**I know this story is slow. I also know FF is supposed to be fast and maybe even a little flashy and sexy and this story simply isn't. Therefore I am thankful for your patience, for "riding this train" with Bella and Edward. If I had to describe it, I would call this story reality-fiction because the characters are fictitious, but their emotions and actions can be very real. **

**Thank you to everyone who reads and enjoys this story and tells others about it. **

**Here's to another year of Priesward and his fallen angel! :)**

**~In case you missed it, Bring on The Wonder has outtakes. http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7090865/1/Bring_On_The_Outtakes**

**I should do recipes as outtakes: Bring on the Food :P**

**The yam recipes: http:/thehousingforum(dot)com/how-to-cook-yams/**

**The pies**

**-Pumpkin: http:/www(dot)verybestbaking(dot)com/recipes/18470/LIBBYS-Famous-Pumpkin-Pie/detail(dot)aspx**

**-Pecan: http:/www(dot)myhomecooking(dot)net/pecan-pie/**

**- Carlisle's Thanksgiving prayer: http:/www(dot)americancatholic(dot)org/features/thanksgiving/prayers(dot)asp**

**You can still vote for the Shimmer Awards (I don't think voting is limited to one vote per person) http:/shimmerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/vote(dot)html**

**Time to dive into Edward's Thanksgiving for me. **

**It's almost Friday!**

**Happy weekend :)**


	33. Thankful Part Two

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable; she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 31: THANKFUL Part Two**

_I am very thankful Bella came into my life._

I meant every word.

And how could I not? Before Bella my days had been filled with obligations and decisions dedicated to a future that was now upside down. My nights had been filled with nightmares and reminders of a friend and a time that would never come back.

But then, like a meteor shooting through the sky, causing an explosion of brightness, Bella had come into my life. She had changed everything and I was beginning to believe she had changed it for the better, despite the fact we struggled at times.

Bella.

_My fallen angel._

I didn't mean to say it like that, not right there where everyone could watch such an intimate moment. The timing had been wrong. And a part of me had done it to anger my father because he had acted so maddeningly. I thought he would behave differently after our talk about my feelings for Bella because it had been him to point out that I could be falling in love with her.

But that conversation seemed so far away now. And he hadn't behaved any differently from the last time Bella had dinner with the family. There was still an edge, a misplaced prejudice towards Bella, towards what she meant to me and what she represented in my life. It was now evident it had gotten even worse in a way because now he knew how I felt but instead of taking my feelings into consideration and trying harder to be nice to Bella, he'd decided to continue to be rude.

Still, I shouldn't have used my words of thanks to get back at him; I was a better man than to play childish games and try and put him in his place, knowing it would be to no avail anyway. Also because I meant them; because Bella was so important to me, I shouldn't have used the chance to share some of my feelings as a way to correct my father.

I continued giving thanks to my family because despite everything I naturally did love them.

"I am thankful to spend this day with the people who are important to me; thankful for their unconditional support," I emphasized, "and thankful to have my faith."

My mother gave me a smile and then my father declared we should eat.

As dishes with wonderful food were passed around, I noticed from the corner of my eye how my father kept his eyes trained on me as I filled my plate. I knew there were questions and observations brewing within him but I refused to acknowledge any of it.

I looked up and he gave me a smile before complimenting my mother on a "wonderful dinner" before he started to eat.

I observed them for a bit and the love and devotion with which my parents interacted filled me with genuine happiness. My father loved my mother and he had changed his life because of her. Voluntarily. His love for her was stronger than the desire to serve God as a priest. That was a powerful feeling; a big decision he had made.

It made me wonder why he couldn't grant me the same option. I remembered how he had said that he wanted me to be happy but there was a part of him – and I didn't know how dominant that part was – that still believed in and wanted me to become a priest. For me to let that go and choose love instead was somehow unacceptable to him; it was obvious he seemed very much against the possibility of history repeating itself.

I'd always respected him but right now I found him to be a hypocrite.

"Edward," Bella's soft voice interrupted my thoughts. "You don't want your food to get cold." She smiled.

"Right…"

"Is everything okay?" she asked me quietly.

"Yes," I assured her with a smile. And it was. I was with the people who mattered to me the most, we were enjoying a wonderful meal and everyone - even Emmett despite Rosalie's absence - seemed happy. I could push the irritation towards my father back for now.

"You know, Edward," my mother called out to get my attention, "Bella made your favorite Thanksgiving dish; French fried yams."

I looked at Bella in surprise who nodded before pointing at a platter on the far end of the table.

"You did?"

Bella nodded sheepishly. "Your mother said they're your favorite, so…"

"Well, I have to taste them then." I smiled before asking Emmett to pass me the fries. He hesitated and proclaimed he wanted to keep them to himself and pouted that Bella hadn't made his favorite Thanksgiving food.

"Oh, but I did," Bella quipped. "I made food. Anything that goes in your mouth is a favorite, right?" She winked, causing the table to laugh, which made Emmett faux-pout even more.

"Give me the yam fries, Emmett," I demanded. "Don't be a yam hog."

Emmett handed me the platter and my arm brushed against Bella's as I took it, leaving a tingly feeling behind. I was starting to enjoy this specific reminder that there was an undeniable spark between us. It strengthened my belief I wasn't just being whimsical in pursuing this.

I scooped some fries up on my plate, the smell of nutmeg and cinnamon hitting my nostrils. It made my mouth water.

"You better leave me some," Emmett threatened, "Or I will make sure you get none of Bella's pie."

Right. Bella´s pies. Her dessert. I had tried to take a peek earlier but my mother had caught me and scolded me for it, saying I should be patient and act like a big boy, much like Bella had chewed me out about it earlier this morning.

"Angela is starting her first day on Monday; I'll make you some cinnamon rolls and have her bring them," Bella promised my brother, as I tried a bite of the French fried yams.

It was no surprise they tasted amazing and I told her so in a whisper which got overruled by Emmett's booming "Awesome" upon hearing Bella's promise.

"Angela?" my father spoke up. "I don't recall ever meeting her. She's a friend of yours, Bella?"

His tone seemed neutral but his eyes were prying which made Bella feel uncomfortable. It seemed to agitate her. I could tell by the way she put down her fork and folded her hands in her lap before facing him.

She gave a quick nod before my mother saved the moment. "Carlisle, I told you; Angela helps out at the community center sometimes. She's a very good friend of Bella."

My father didn't seem to be too invested in my mother's information as he refocused his attention on Emmett. "And you hired her? To do what exactly?"

If this was his way of making conversation, he was certainly doing it wrong with his accusatory questions even if he didn't mean for them to sound that way.

Emmett seemed to pick up on this too. He forgot about his food for a minute – nothing could drag Emmett away from a plate of food unless he was seriously irritated - and turned to face my father. "Look Dad, I need someone to do the company's administration and since I don't know when Rosalie will be back, I hired Angela.

"Make that _if_ Rosalie will be back," my brother muttered to himself.

"If?" my mother quizzed. "What does that mean? Have you spoken to Rosalie? Had she said anything about not returning to Seattle? Is she staying in Forks?"

At the mention of Rosalie's current whereabouts I noticed how Bella tensed up. But instead of fleeing or shutting down like she usually did, she looked for a different comfort in the form of reaching for my hand under the table.

Igniting the spark between us, I rubbed it gently until I felt her relax a little.

Emmett shook his head at my mother's questions. I could tell he felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny of all these people who were probably aware of his marital problems because he started fidgeting with his napkin. "I haven't spoken to her in a few days. So I have no idea if or when she will be back. However, I do know that I need someone to help me out, which is where Angela comes in. I offered the job to Bella but she declined and suggested Angela instead."

And before you ask more silly questions, Dad," Emmett addressed my father bluntly. "Angela is a nice girl and I'm sure she'll do great. So let's not dwell."

My father gave Emmett a sincere smile. "You are right. I didn't mean to be rude. My curiosity was getting the best of me and I had no right to suggest Angela might not be the right choice. I'm sure she'll do wonderfully."

"Me too."

I looked over at Bella but her eyes were downcast; she was staring at her plate. I could feel that the tension was back but I didn't know if she was still worked up over the mention of Forks or if it was because of my father's behavior.

Dinner continued on without too much incident and after a while my father even loosened up a little, sharing stories of Thanksgivings from the past.

"There was this one time where Esme had been cooking all day and in an unguarded moment Emmett, Edward and Jacob had snuck into the kitchen and pre-tasted all of the pies. Every one of them had a few bites missing. Of course we didn't discover this until dessert was served."

"How old were you guys?" Alice asked Emmett and me.

"I think I was like thirteen and Edward must have been twelve," Emmett shrugged. "What can I say... I smelled pie. I wanted to have a taste."

"And you found two accomplices." My mother smiled.

I remembered that Thanksgiving all too well because it had been Jacob's last.

We'd been bored all day because we weren't allowed inside the kitchen because we'd only get in my mother's way.

We'd spent some time in the living room with Billy and my father; they were watching football with Emmett, but my brother had decided to be funny by yelling at the TV screen and throwing popcorn at us, so after a while Jacob and I had gone upstairs to my room but that hadn't provided us with a lot of activity either.

You see, Jacob liked to do bad things; be mischievous. Do things that he shouldn't do. I knew he'd secretly smoked a cigarette with one of the older kids in school a few times. He had also filled Emmett's socks with shaving cream on more than one occasion. He had often tried to drag me along during these misadventures but I had never budged.

I mean, it was one thing to ring the doorbell at Mrs. Modena's house and run away, knowing it would take her ages to get to the door only to find her front step empty and then having to shuffle all the way back to her armchair, but another to start smoking or experience the wrath of my brother because he'd found his socks full of goo. And it had never been just that. Jacob was always looking for an edge of danger.

I simply preferred being a good boy. Maybe that was boring but I just never saw the fun in being bad.

That day - on his last Thanksgiving - we had gotten into a little argument because he wanted to go outside and we weren't supposed to because the weather wasn't all that great. It had been below zero and it was not even December; the roads and pavements had been icy, so I had refused.

"Fine, whatever. I'm out of here. I'm gonna meet Eric at the park to skateboard."

Sometimes I wondered why he hadn't been best friends with Emmett or with our class mate Eric who could do every trick in the book with his skateboard; they seemed much more in tune with Jacob than me.

"Live a little, E," he had said before climbing down my window with the help of a slippery rainwater pipe. "Before you know it, you'll be dead..."

Five months later, Jacob was dead.

I would be lying if said that I had never considered that his death might have been a punishment for wanting to behave like a bad boy most of the time which had gotten out of control as soon as he hit puberty, but as my faith had developed and gotten stronger and stronger after Jacob's death, I knew that God would've forgiven him each and every one of his acts. And that switching seats with me on that bus hadn't been karma for him, but a call from God for me.

Although, chances were that I was wrong about that because I'd been presented with new choices now, none of which included becoming a priest.

"Penny for your thoughts," a sweet voice whispered. I lifted my head and found Bella looked at me intensely. I noticed how the rest of the table was in deep conversation; some chairs were pushed back a little, indicating people were full. No one was eating anymore, not even Emmett.

"Just a penny?" I hit back with a smirk, as Bella rolled her eyes playfully.

"I am poor, remember," she pointed out. "It's all I can afford. So... where did you drift off to?"

"I was just nodding off a bit," I said sheepishly. "Your food is making me lazy."

Bella frowned. "Don't diss my food. Besides, we're about to serve dessert. I hope you have some room left."

"Ah, I finally get to know what kind of pies you made; the mystery reveals itself," I said dramatically, earning a gentle slap on the arm from her.

"It's traditional pumpkin and pecan," Bella said. "Nothing fancy."

Her brow furrowed again and she sighed.

"What is it?"

"I just don't want your expectations to be too high. It's just pie. I don't..."

"Don't what?"

"I don't want to disappoint people," Bella whispered. "Everyone has been going on and on about my cooking and baking all day; for all they know I suck."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. As if Bella would ever su... well she would never disappoint when it came to cooking. I was starting to believe she would never disappoint when it came to a lot of things.

"You are a great cook. Those yam fries were amazing. I am sure your pie will be no different. Everyone will love it."

But Bella didn't seem so sure. "You are obligated to say that," she argued. "You signed a contract to say encouraging things and give pep talks and stuff."

I couldn't believe she would think I would say these things out of obligation. It was genuine and I said them because she was important to me. My encouragement wasn't bound to a contract.

"Bella," I said quietly. "I encourage you because I care for you. Because I want you to do well. Not because I have to. Also, what I'm saying is totally true. If you don't believe me, shall we ask Emmett? Or how about my mother who said your chocolate cake at the carnival was a hit and that she loved it."

"Did you know your mom offered to talk to Maggie and ask her if she wants to hire me at her bakery?"

"Wow, really? That's interesting. I didn't know Maggie was looking to hire someone."

"Yeah, apparently Maggie needs help and your mom thinks I am capable."

"What did you say?" I asked, surprised my mother would do such a thing. I knew she liked Bella but I had no idea she would go as far as trying to help her get a job.

"I told her it might not be such a good idea and that I didn't want Maggie to feel obligated."

"And what did my mother say?"

"She said as soon as Maggie would taste my pies, she would want to hire me herself."

"Well, it wouldn't surprise me if that was true."

* * *

Dessert was a hit. Bella was a culinary genius. Even my father, certainly not her biggest fan appreciated her baking because he had a slice of both pies and I'd seen the smile on his face as he'd tasted them.

Emmett had by far the biggest slice of pie, which easily equaled two slices. He chose pecan, as did Jasper, Alice and my dad – who also had some pumpkin. My mother, Maggie, Bella and I all had pumpkin as well.

True to my mother's prediction, Maggie was thrilled about Bella's pies and surely enough she brought up the job opening at her bakery.

"Bella, I would love it if you came to work in the bakery. It's a small shop but I have enough regular customers and I think it would be a great way for you to hone your skills."

Bella sat there, bemused. I knew she hated charity and easily jumped to the conclusion that people were pitying her but this was truly a great opportunity. Maggie was a kind and caring woman and she could teach Bella things.

"I... I don't know what to say," Bella admitted. "It's... it's pretty big. And unexpected."

Maggie gave her a smile. "You are very talented for someone who's never gone to culinary school."

"Bella has an issue with charity," I said, which earned me a glare from Bella.

"Oh, but this is not charity; if anything this is for my benefit," Maggie said. "Believe me, Bella, this is not about pity or anything like that. I know you recently lost your job but I would be thrilled if you would consider working at the bakery with me."

Bella remained silent for a moment until she nodded slowly. "Okay... thank you, really... this is overwhelming."

"Well, I think this is wonderful," my mother said. "It opens the door to a lot of possibilities."

She had a point. The salary wouldn't be huge but Maggie would be fair. And this was something Bella loved to do so she would put in a decent amount of hours which would give her a proper pay.

Maybe we could finally start looking for an apartment in a different neighborhood.

Slowly but gradually things were turning around. And that would open the door for Bella and me to move forward as well.

Today had already been pretty big in terms of moving forward. She had kissed me on the cheek last night; that had been a surprise and today she had allowed me to hug her without being apprehensive that I was touching her. Twice.

It had felt as if she belonged there in my arms. And the electricity; the spark between us had simmered down into a safe and comfortable warmth.

"We can hammer out the details later but I want you to know a little about the bakery. Work hours are a little different at a bakery. I start very early because we bake everything fresh every day. Then the shop opens at eight in the morning. We close at four. I have two other employees: Heidi, who's a student so she works part time and Gianna who's a forty something woman of Italian decent and she makes the best cannoli, you'll see."

I was thankful Maggie explained a few details about the bakery and its employees because with every word she said, Bella sat a little more straight and started smiling a little wider.

"You're going to do fine, Bella," Maggie said. "I am sure of it."

* * *

After such a wonderful meal cooked by the women, my mother felt it was only fair the men would do the clean up. Unfortunately for me that also gave my father the opportunity to confront me about what had happened when I had said thanks; how I had spoken so directly and freely about Bella and my feelings for her.

While Jasper and Emmett tackled washing up, my dad and I packed up leftovers. My mother hated for them to be wasted and so like every year my father would drop them off at a local shelter later.

It was difficult to reconcile the fact that he could be loving and charitable and yet still treat someone who was very important to me with such disdain.

"Dinner was nice," my father started, his voice even.

I knew he was testing the waters with me, trying not to get too confrontational right away. But his politeness only fed the irritation that had built throughout the evening.

"Yes, it was," I muttered sarcastically. "All the staring was very appropriate."

I looked at Jasper and Emmett but they were engrossed in a conversation. Well, Emmett seemed to be doing most of the talking while Jasper nodded and occasionally spoke a few words, so they didn't pay attention to us.

My father decided to ignore my jab.

"Bella is a good cook; I tasted some of those fries and they were delicious. As was dessert," my father said.

His words were sincere, just like his words when he told me I was falling in love with Bella. That's what made it all so confusing. He probably didn't hate her and could even see the good in her. So why was it so hard for him to accept her as an important factor in my life?

Had he not said he just wanted me to be happy? He seemed to be trying very hard to contradict that with his behavior.

"Maybe you should tell her," I suggested quietly. "You're the only one who remained silent when we all complimented her on a wonderful dessert."

My father frowned and looked over to my brother and Jasper to check if they were still occupied.

"Look, Edward, I know you believe my behavior in regards to Bella is rude," he started explaining.

"It _is_ rude," I interrupted. "You kept staring at us throughout dinner, that made her feel very uncomfortable," I muttered angrily. "And it really bothered me as well."

"Well, I suppose you could feel her discomfort by the way she was clinging to you constantly."

His words were biting and they shocked me. Not just because they were untrue - if anything I had been the one to initiate physical contact - but also because they painted Bella in such a bad light and my father was usually courteous, even in disagreements.

"Don't!" I hissed "Don't you dare do that..."

"Look, Edward. Perhaps we should take this into my office," my father said, his tone softer now.

But I had no wish for another round of office talk or Catholic Brain Trust as Emmett called it.

"If you have something to say, say it right here and now," I challenged. "I don't see why we need to go to your office for that."

"It would give us privacy," my father pointed out impatiently.

"No need for that," I argued. "If you want to share your thoughts, you do it here."

Emmett and Jasper had wrapped up the dishes and were working on making some coffee. They still seemed unaware of the spat I was having with my father. I supposed our kitchen was large enough for that.

"I know you think I dislike Bella but that's not the case."

I snorted. "You could've fooled me."

"Edward, you can't expect me to pretend that you suddenly having a girlfriend is not a surprise to us. It takes time getting used to that. Your mother seems to do better with it but perhaps she is naïve about the consequences."

Girlfriend? Bella was a lot of things but she was not my girlfriend. But I could see us going down that path. In fact, I might want to go down that path, even if it meant the path I'd been walking not too long ago would not be accessible to me anymore.

"Bella and I are exploring our feelings. There are no official titles or anything," I said.

"But you know that it'll get to that point."

I could've argued what he said but I could see it too. Instead I focused on my father's inevitable disapproval should Bella and I go there.

"And you hate that it's a possibility. That someone like Bella could be my girlfriend. And to clarify, when I say 'someone like Bella' I am referring to the way you see her; as some horrible girl who's up to no good. I know far better. She is selfless and wonderful and should our feelings ever lead to labeling her as my girlfriend, then I will be proud to call her that. And don't say mom is naïve because she is accepting of Bella. You should try and do the same."

Taken aback by my own words I realized I had made this even more real. Hugs and kisses on the cheek aside, this was real. And the closer Bella and I got, the bigger the chance we would end up in a relationship.

So much for taking it slow and learning as we went. Well, maybe that part was still true but I knew that once my mind would set on the idea of pursuing an actual relationship, there would be no going back.

"You really want this, don't you?" my father said.

And I did. This wasn't casual. This wasn't some sort of exploratory phase. This was real.

This could be love.

"Edward, I know you don't want to hear this, but I hope you won't rebel because I might have a different view than you. What you said about being thankful for Bella, I could sense that you were doing that to set me straight," my father pointed out.

"What I said was true. I know _you_ don't want to hear this, but Bella has enhanced my life; she has enlightened me. I can't imagine her not being in it."

"Son, if you choose Bella then you are essentially and consciously giving up on ordination."

"I know that," I said, rolling my eyes.

But my father wasn't entirely convinced.

"I think you are idolizing things. I am sure you care for Bella and she probably cares for you but you are giving up a lot by choosing someone who might not stay with you in the end."

"What?"

"Edward, you can't deny Bella is fickle. She might want to be with you now but what happens when she changes her mind and leaves you?"

Rationally, I knew that there was always the possibility that things between Bella and me wouldn't work out. But why would I even think about that at this point? We weren't even really together. Why think about an end when we were barely starting.

"If she does, that's her choice," I said.

"What about your choice? Edward, once you start a real relationship, the door to becoming a priest closes for good...

...have you really thought about that?"

* * *

"Yeah, so... this is my room."

"Wow, Edward, it's amazing!"

I was giving Bella a tour of the house, while my parents, Maggie and Emmett were playing a card game downstairs. Alice and Jasper had excused themselves after helping with clean-up and having coffee because Jasper wanted to check on his restaurant and the club. Bella had explained to me that Cowgirls would probably be extra busy tonight because most prostitutes didn't have a place to go on Thanksgiving and usually didn't celebrate so they went to 'work' to try and make some money instead. She was certain Mike and his girls would be there.

While I had seen it with my own eyes, it was still difficult to picture Bella in the same context as those girls I had met the night I'd almost stopped her from selling her body again. I shuddered. Most of the time I tried to block that because it was too hard to think about. I had to focus on the fact Bella was off the streets now.

What still puzzled me was why Jasper would run a club like Cowgirls. I didn't quite understand how someone who was so reserved and respectable could do that. I knew it might have something to do with his past. I didn't know all the details except for his problems with drug abuse. It was quite impressive he had managed to get clean. Which was why it surprised me that with this club he basically offered girls and types like that Mike a platform to exploit themselves.

I didn't really understand why he would do that. But Jasper was hard to read to begin with, so it wasn't like he'd share his motivation on that with anyone.

He had been quiet most of the night. He talked to Alice and was polite with the rest of us, but he didn't interact too intensively; never gave a glimpse into his mind.

I'd wondered if he'd had a good time tonight but Bella had assured me he was simply not a huge people person. I supposed she could relate to him in a way because she wasn't a huge fan of social interactions either.

"So this is where the magic happened," Bella chuckled, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Magic?"

"Never mind. Do you still use this room?"

"Only when I sleep over, which isn't often."

"But you're sleeping over tonight?" Bella asked. "Emmett mentioned something like that."

"Yes, it's a Cullen Thanksgiving tradition."

"Well, I will say it again; it's an awesome room."

My room was spacious and it had a view over the backyard and the paralleling woods. In the distance you could see the peak of mount Olympic and if you listened real carefully without making too much sound, you could hear a small creek running nearby.

This side of the house was covered with a thick glass wall for the most part, which certainly gave the rooms the benefit of a breathtaking view.

The room itself no longer resembled the room it had been when I was a teen. The bed cover was a neutral light blue, no longer the baseball cover I had when I was thirteen. The walls were light in a cream color, where they used to be covered with baseball posters. The desk I had studied at was empty. It wasn't really my room anymore.

And I wasn't that hopeful teen with aspiration to become a professional baseball player anymore either.

The only solid reminder of those days were the trophies that had been placed on a few shelves that aligned one of the walls.

"The view is amazing," Bella said, as she walked to the large wall-to-wall covered glass overlooking the garden, the woods and the mountains.

"Hmm..."

I walked up next to her and stared outside, still reeling from the conversation with my father. I tried to make sense of it but I felt very confused. I had considered the consequences when I'd chosen to be with Bella but those consequences seemed bigger than I'd realized.

My father had a point there. I'd lived on a thrill of discovering all these new things; these new feelings, but for every door I was opening now, I was slowly shutting the one to priesthood.

To make that choice, take that leap of faith; I couldn't deny it was a big thing.

My father had advised me to speak to Father Masen as soon as he was back from New Orleans. Whatever was going on there, it was taking up a lot of his time and I had to admit I was becoming quite curious what could possibly be amiss for Father Masen to be investing so much of his time.

My father believed that talking to Father Masen might help me find some clarity on the decisions I would be facing.

What bothered me - and I had voiced that irritation during our talk in the kitchen – is that I wanted to be able to talk to my father about this. I wanted him to realize how important his support was because he had gone through the same thing. He had given up on becoming a priest to marry my mother.

But my father had insisted that our situations weren't entirely the same because whereas he had fallen head over heels in love with my mother, a woman without too many complications and certainly not a past like Bella's, I was discovering romantic feelings for the first time in my life with a woman who had a lot of demons and that made a possible relationship more difficult because the foundation was not the same.

While he made good and rational points, I wanted him to understand _me; his son. _I wasn't just someone he could preach to. I needed him to be my father and understand my confusions and fears. I could feel that Bella and I were on a crossroad and that very soon something would decide which path we would take and whether we would take that road together or not.

I needed someone to talk to and it seemed my father wasn't willing to be my guide.

At the end of our conversation - and I was getting tired of having these talks with no result - I had told him that he needed to find a way to accept whatever choice I would make but regardless of what I would decide, he was going to be nice to Bella and no longer give her the feeling she wasn't good enough.

I could only hope he would keep to that.

"Wow, you are really tense, I can see the radars moving in your head," Bella said, snapping her finger in front of me to get my attention.

"Hmm, what?"

"You seemed miles away. I know this view is impressive but if it makes you space out, it might have a counter effect. Are you alright?"

I gave her a smile. "Yes. I'm sorry. I just had a talk with my father and he managed to-"

"Piss you off?" Bella said. "Because you look pissed off."

I chuckled. "I guess you could say that."

"So, what happened?"

I didn't want to withhold things from Bella but I also didn't want her to know some of the rather harsh things my father had said about her and the choices I would face.

"I told him to be nicer to you. He seemed kind of rude today with the stare-offs."

Bella shrugged. "I don't expect him to like me."

"But I do. You are important to me and he needs to get over whatever strange, warped thing he has in his mind. "

"Strange, warped thing? Wow, you must be pissed because you're not even using proper words."

"I don't like how he treats you," I clarified. "He needs to get off his high horse."

Bella put her hand on my arm and while I was getting used to our physical contact, it still surprised me whenever she initiated it without fear or hesitation. "I am used to people treating me far worse."

I sighed. "But that's the whole point. You shouldn't have to feel this way even if you can take it."

"It's okay."

"No it's not," I said.

"Fine, maybe not. But let's not dwell on your father. Tell me about your room. And about all those sports trophies. Are they yours?"

"I used to play little league baseball. I still play for the church team but it's off season now."

Bella's eyes went wide in surprise. "You play baseball?"

"Just recreationally. It's no big deal," I said dismissively.

"It _is_ a very big deal," Bella countered. "How is it possible that I didn't know this?"

"It's something that never came up. And it's off season so I don't think about playing much."

"But you used to," Bella pointed out, gesturing at the lined up trophies. "You must have won quite a few titles. Which means you took this seriously. So what changed?"

What had changed? Jacob. His death had changed everything; my entire future perspective had shifted from being a baseball enthusiast with the ambition to make a career to devoting my time to serving God.

"I... Jacob and I used to play together and after he died... I sort of gave up... I mean, I went to practice for about a year or two but by the time I was a junior in high school I stopped playing because I was relaying my focus elsewhere."

"You spent all your time reading the Bible and going to church," Bella teased.

"Something like that. Anyway I started playing again a few years ago when Emmett got me into it at a church picnic. Like I said, strictly for fun, no competition element."

It had been Emmett who had dragged me back to my old passion and I was grateful for it because I'd missed playing all these years. Now it was all in good fun without the pressures that came with being an athlete.

"Did you ever want to be a professional player?"

"Yes, but that's a long time ago," I said quietly.

"Do you miss it?" Bella wondered as she let go of my arm to have a closer look at the shining objects. "I mean the dream of being in a big stadium; people cheering your name."

"I miss the memories; the feeling of what playing meant to me back then. But that time is never coming back."

Bella turned around and came back over to where I was standing. This time she didn't hesitate to take my hand. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you feel sad."

I gave her a small smile. "It's okay. I just don't like remembering the time Jacob was alive."

Bella frowned. "Why not?" she asked as she linked our fingers tighter together. I reveled in her touch.

"It makes me sad he's not here. He was an exceptional player; he could've gotten a scholarship and play professionally. He was far better than me," I murmured absentmindedly, remembering how much talent Jacob had and how little he'd actually cared about becoming a professional. His father had always demanded that he continued playing because it would earn him a scholarship and get him into a decent university.

"You don't like talking about him either, huh?"

I gave her another sad smile. "We all have our demons."

* * *

Because it was a Thanksgiving tradition for me and Emmett to sleep over, I took Bella home myself, instead of having Emmett or someone else drop her off.

I hated for her to go back to that neighborhood; to that apartment with all those people with terrible influences, but at least her prospects were looking up now that she was getting a new job.

"I have to say," Bella said as she opened the door to her apartment. "This day was pretty good."

"I'll say..." I grinned, following her in. "Your food was amazing and you got a new job."

Bella returned my smile as she closed the door behind me. "Things are really looking up, aren't they? I mean, Maggie is a really nice. But no bullshit with her, you know."

I nodded. "And she chose you; no charity case, no nothing."

"Yup."

Bella pulled off her shoes and glanced at the clock. It was a little after ten.

"You want some tea or do you have to head back?"

"I better head back... my family usually has a traditional night cap before bed."

"Night cap? I have never seen you drink," Bella pointed out.

"Tea," I explained. "Dad and Emmett might have a drink but I don't."

"Well, you better go then," Bella said, as she pulled out the rubber band that had held her hair together all day.

Her mahogany hair spilled over her shoulders and in the dim light of her apartment it looked like shining silk.

She was beautiful. A vision to rival the view from my childhood bedroom. Or maybe there was no competition.

Bella won hands down.

"I meant it, you know," I said softly.

"Meant what?" Bella asked curiously.

"That I am happy to have you in my life."

Bella flashed me a timid smile before she started mumbling incoherently "I meant it too. I mean... I... I really don't… ugh funk!"

"What?"

Bella took a deep breath. "Do you think it would be easy for us to be in a relationship?" she blurted out.

Her words were definitely unexpected. And I wasn't entirely certain how to answer the question mainly because I had no idea myself.

"I don't know," I admitted. "I think we're both new to all of this and both have our share of issues, so…"

"…So it would be ridiculous to even consider it?" Bella added.

"No, no!" I stated instantly. "I think that… well… I am confused," I admitted.

"Just a week ago you said you didn't know how to do all this, now you're talking about relationships," I pointed out, puzzled.

"I know it's stupid."

"It's not stupid," I argued. "I'm just curious what changed your mind; I mean, what's making you consider this now?"

Bella hesitated before she started rambling, which made it really hard to keep up with her.

"It's just… Angela said it was inevitable, that we would end up in a relationship anyway. And I would never tell her this but maybe she's right. I mean, things have changed between us in the past few days and every time you touch me, it fills me with this strange feeling of safety and then there's that weird static thing between us… but is that love?"

I watched her as she talked; her cheeks flushed with anxiety and perhaps slight embarrassment too. With her long hair dancing around her and her eyes shining, she looked magnificent.

It sparked a memory of how I'd felt when hearing her words of thanks at the dinner table. I had no doubt they had been completely sincere. It meant a lot to me that Bella had shared her thoughts so openly because I knew how hard it was for her to do that.

"It's confusing you know. I have never done anything like this but then when you're here I don't really want you to go but maybe you don't even feel that electricity thing and then maybe you do…" Bella went on, pacing around, until I interrupted her. She had to know I felt the same.

"Bella?"

She stopped in her tracks.

"Yes?"

I moved closer and her eyes widened as I halted right in front of her.

I reached out and cupped her cheek gently. "I feel that spark too. You know I do."

"Oh. Okay… good," Bella mumbled, trying to look away.

I softly stroked her cheek, watching her as she fought to keep her chocolate brown eyes on me.

"Don't look away," I whispered, as my eyes landed on her full red lips. "Remember how we agreed we would see where things would lead. Let's just follow that. So far, it seems we're doing fine."

"O…kay," Bella whispered back as she looked at me.

I was about to lean in and kiss her goodnight on the cheek because I knew Bella was comfortable with that but then a sudden feeling of longing washed over me as my eyes fell on her lips again.

Today shouldn't end with a kiss on the cheek.

"Bella," I whispered softly.

"Hmm," she murmured, biting on her lip which drew my attention back to her mouth again.

She was so close. All I had to do was lean in. I licked my lips; they felt oddly dry all of a sudden, which caused a strange reaction in Bella. Her beautiful eyes glazed over as she watched my tongue moist my lips. And then she mimicked the motion by moistening her own lips.

It made my resolve that much easier.

"I want to kiss you," I announced, hoping that giving Bella some warning would be enough not to startle her.

Bella waited no more than two heart beats – and I counted them exactly - until she nodded and stood on her tiptoes while her hands travelled up my chest. Leaning in, I slowly moved my lips closer to Bella's.

I felt her warm breath on my chin and then suddenly Bella closed the last few inches between us and pressed her lips against mine.

Now mind you, never in my life had I kissed someone, so I had no material to compare.

What I did know was that those recent kisses on the cheek were nothing compared to this.

Nothing compared to the feeling of her warm lips on mine.

I was pretty certain Bella had more experience than me and she did lead a little by slowly and gently pecking at my lips. Feeling her full lips move made me want to taste them and so I acted on instinct and sucked her full bottom lip in between mine, which caused Bella to whimper.

Scared I'd done something wrong, I pulled back abruptly, which made Bella stumble back a bit.

"Wooah…" She breathed hard.

"Are you alright?"

Bella looked dazed but nodded. "I am great," she said as she steadied herself against my chest. "That was certainly new."

"But nice," we both said at the same time, referring to the words I had used earlier when I'd hugged her, causing both of us to chuckle nervously.

"Do you want to do that again?" Bella asked coyly. Her eyes betrayed she was quite eager.

I nodded but this time I didn't move slow and pressed my lips back to hers without any hesitation.

Our lips moved in a much more equal rhythm now, pecking and sucking gently. I could hear the effect it had on Bella; the little whimpers coming from her throat were apparently a good thing, and I could _feel_ the effect it was having on me, because a growing erection strained against my jeans.

If Bella felt my arousal she didn't mention it. Instead she locked her hands around my neck and started playing with my hair, as she pulled herself as close as she could get. There was no sign of discomfort at being touched now.

After a few more moments of kissing and simply enjoying the way we both poured our feelings into that, Bella pulled back to catch her breath again. Her cheeks were flushed and her breathing was labored.

"For someone who's never kissed a girl, you are very good at it," she commented. "Very good."

"Thanks, I think. You're not so bad yourself."

Bella smiled at me as she took in more deep breaths. "I guess you have to go, right?"

I really didn't want to go but I knew that we both needed a moment to process what had just transpired. It was so much more than a simple kiss. It was a new beginning; a new path.

"I should go," I agreed, before I pressed my lips to Bella's forehead and wished her good night. I lingered there and pulled my arms around her.

"Happy Thanksgiving Bella," I whispered against her hair as she melted into my embrace.

"You too, Edward," she murmured against my chest. "Thank you for being in my life."

Smiling at her words, I released her and opened the door. Before walking out, I turned around, giving Bella a look as I gestured to the door.

Bella knew what that meant.

"I'll lock up behind you." She grinned.

"Good night, Bella."

"Edward," she called before I could walk away.

"Yes?"

"Did you really call me your falling angel at dinner?"

I nodded with a smile.

"You may not believe in the Divine, but I think you are godsend."

Bella's smile warmed my heart and it was the last thing I saw before I closed the door for her. I waited before descending the stairs, listening intently until I heard Bella lock it.

On the drive back to my parent's house, it was hard to ignore - pun intended - what our kisses had done to me. My erection was prominent and pushing against the crotch of my jeans. I tried to ignore it, hoping it would fade before I'd get back, because this wasn't something I wanted to explain to my family.

But I knew tonight had changed things.

A brand new door was opening and with every kiss, I was shutting and locking the one door I'd opened a long time ago.

For good.

* * *

**A/N: So...I'll sit here, hoping it was worth the wait.**

**Thank you for all your reviews, recs, reading, voting for and fav'ing this story. I appreciate it so much!**

**I don't think I have much else to say this time. One thing: next update might not be as fast as this one. I have some real life stuff I need to focus on, so it will probably take more than a week-possibly two. I'll do my best to not make it too long. Sorry.**

**Have a good week! (If in London or other riot-filled cities in the UK: stay safe!)**


	34. The Human Condition

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 32: THE HUMAN CONDITION**

"How are you feeling Bella?"

Fan-fucking-tastic. Really. I was feeling pretty freaking good. Still, that didn't mean I was suddenly ready to spill my guts to Doctor Carmen.

There was still a lot of hesitation and a feeling of distrust whenever I had a session with her. I couldn't get over the fact this person was so eager to analyze every aspect of my life.

But because I was feeling more optimistic than my typical "fuck the world and all the shrinks who want to pick my pain" self I decided to answer truthfully.

"Pretty good," I answered honestly.

Doctor Carmen flashed me a genuine smile; she seemed pleased with my answer. "I have to say; I can tell. You have a certain smile on your face. It looks good on you."

"A certain smile?" I wondered.

"You seem relaxed and dare I say… _happy_."

"You make it sound like that's a surprise," I commented. "Like it's a bad thing to be happy."

Doctor Carmen shook her head. "It's not meant to sound negative at all. In fact, I think it's great news."

"I feel a 'but' coming," I muttered.

I slowly felt my good mood disappearing. One of the things I hated about therapy sessions was playing 20 questions with Doctor Carmen. She never got straight to the point and it aggravated me how she cleverly managed to get me to talk, using my irritation when she feigned misunderstanding or needed elaboration to her advantage.

"You can imagine I am merely curious what has inspired this feeling of happiness. It's not often you appear to feel this way. Would you mind enlightening me in what prompted this?"

Pff, where to I begin? For starters it would appear I was dating Edward Cullen. Big check in the "Reasons to be happy" column.

I mean, I wasn't a pro when it came to the rules of dating but I was pretty sure friends didn't kiss each other like that. And Edward was a very good kisser. Seriously, you'd never be able to tell he had zero experience. If I didn't know better – and I fucking did – I would have thought he definitely played some "grope a girl behind the altar" before.

Of course thoughts like that weren't very pleasant for me. They were accompanied by a string of unwanted memories of groping in churches. Aro was a pro at that.

I shuddered and forced my mind to go back to remembering the funktastic feeling of being in Edward's arms and the way his lips had covered mine. I was by no means a romantic but if this was what all those romantic songs were all about, I could definitely jump on the bandwagon.

Still, I didn't feel like sharing my love life status with Doctor Carmen, especially because my mind was still busy processing the enormity of it all. I wasn't ready to have her analyze it before I'd managed to make sense of it myself. And even then I wasn't keen on receiving possible relationship advice from her.

"Bella?"

"Well, I have a new job," I told her. It wasn't the main reason I felt good but it was definitely an important one.

Doctor Carmen nodded as she wrote down some stuff. "And what kind of job are we talking about?"

"I work in a bakery. I help bake and sell bread and stuff."

"And stuff?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes because surely she was pushing now and I hated it when she did that. She wanted me to elaborate my answers and be more specific because she believed the short answers were a façade and that I was perfectly capable to articulate and explain myself properly.

"You know, I mix the ingredients to prepare the dough, then I bake the bread. And the cookies, pies, cakes, pastries etcetera," I answered slowly, as if I was speaking to a fucking kid.

"That sounds nice. May I ask how you got this job?"

"A friend of a friend offered me the job after tasting some of my food at Thanksgiving."

"I see. So this friend was enthusiastic about your baking skills."

"I guess."

Doctor Carmen stopped writing and looked at me. "Don't downplay this, Bella. I think it's quite significant. Someone recognized a talent in you and wants to feed that – no pun intended. That should make you feel good."

I shrugged. "I guess it does make me feel good."

"You started on Monday?"

I nodded. "Yes. This is my first week."

"What's your work schedule like?"

"Well, I work Monday through Thursday and switch Saturdays and Sundays."

"And how did your first week go?"

I smiled. The first week had been surprisingly good.

I'd gone over to Maggie's bakery last weekend to familiarize myself with the place and meet her other employees. We had also hashed out details on a contract and my salary. I wasn't exactly going to make a fortune but it was a real chance to get away from that dump I called my apartment.

On Monday I'd started at 6:00 because Maggie had wanted to show me how to prepare the dough and use the ovens to bake fresh items every day.

I would spend a few weeks learning the ropes of baking; mix the ingredients properly, how to operate the machinery, learn to serve the customers – Maggie had a small terrace with a few seats where people could enjoy coffee and a pastry or a sandwich. I would also learn and try out recipes. And fuck, I was looking forward to all of it; even the interaction with people.

I mean, anything would have been better than the diner but this was practically a dream job.

I'd spent most of my time in Maggie's bakery, trying to absorb as much as I could. I liked Heidi, who had jet black hair with the ends dipped blonde. She had sweet and sparkly blue eyes while dressed like your typical student. Gianna was a different story. She was definitely nice but she was someone you didn't mess with. She had a thick Italian accent – which surprisingly triggered no unpleasant emotions even though I had experienced episodes after having my name called in various ways in similar accents before - and a loud mouth that was hard to miss.

The entire week had flown by because the new job had kept me so busy. I had even found myself sleeping better because my whole routine was shifting and by the time it would be 8:00 PM at night I'd be exhausted and almost happy to get some sleep.

"I really like it so far," I told Doctor Carmen. "It's very different from the diner."

"Well this is certainly wonderful news; it's very encouraging."

"It is."

"You know, Bella, I am impressed with the way you are trying to turn your life around. It's very promising."

Her voice was neutral but I sensed the edge in her words.

"I hear another but coming," I muttered. "Seriously, you are raining on my parade here, Doc."

"I don't mean to be discouraging but we have to remain realistic; you have quite a long way to go. Yes, we can celebrate your recent accomplishments and I am thrilled that you feel happy, but every recovery process takes time and often people make progress but also experience setbacks."

"I know that," I said. My entire life was made of loads of steps back and a few tiny steps forward. Any kind of happiness was often short-lived, so I was cautious.

But at the same time I wanted to fucking enjoy the positivity for a change.

"Just remember that. Anyway, let's refocus; how do you feel, apart from the new job? Is that all you're happy about? How did you spend your Thanksgiving?"

"I spent it with Edward and his family."

"Your buddy Edward?"

I nodded.

"Alright and how was it?"

"It was nice," I told her. "We had a good time."

"Edward is very supportive and friendly for inviting you to his family gathering."

"Actually, his mother invited me," I corrected her.

This threw Doctor Carmen a little because her eyes went wide in surprise. "Really? You've met his family?"

"Yes," I said, wondering what would be so weird about that. "Is that strange?"

"No, not at all. I am aware of your friendship with Edward but it surprises me that you are so close to him."

She didn't know the half of it. Try lip lock close.

"Bella, how close are you to Edward?"

Crap. Of course she would ask that question. Because she knows how to read minds.

"Well, pretty close," I murmured.

"Can you define 'close' for me?"

"I guess you could define it as… romantically close," I mumbled.

"Romantically close?" Doctor Carmen echoed in surprise. "You're dating?"

"Yeah, we… uh… we have feelings for each other and yeah…" I hesitated.

"Have you been intimate?"

I really didn't want to answer this question, mostly because it was none of Doctor Carmen's business. Plus, I was certain she had some sort of judgmental comment ready because she always did and the way she was furiously jotting things down on her notepad betrayed her readiness to lecture me.

"Well?"

"We kissed at Thanksgiving, plus a few hugs."

See, she always managed to get me to tell her something I didn't really want to share.

"So, this is all relatively new?"

"It's been a growing process."

"I see."

"Go ahead," I challenged her. "Tell me this is bad and that you disapprove."

Doctor Carmen put her notepad away and leaned back against her chair.

"Would it make a difference if I did? Would you end it?"

I shook my head.

"Then it won't make a difference what I say. I do want you to realize that a relationship is not about codependency. It's about trust and equality."

I frowned. "Look, you don't know much about this so don't bother to analyze it."

"Bella, Edward is your buddy; your support system in a program that's meant to help you turn your life around. Getting involved with him could compromise your progress."

It wasn't like she didn't have a point. And I hated that she did.

"May I ask you if you've shared things about your past with Edward? And I don't mean the prostitute aspect; I'm sure that's come up before. I mean the things you aren't willing to share. The things we touched upon a few sessions back. Things you asked me to not bring up again until you're ready."

I sighed. Of course she had to ruin the feeling of bliss by pointing out the fucking bumps in the road ahead.

"No."

"Well, relationships, especially ones in early stages, require honesty if you want them to be lasting."

"I know that," I muttered. "But there aren't casual fun facts about my life a decade ago. It's not that simple to share."

"So, I take it that means there are secrets between you and Edward."

Fuck of course there were. For starters there was my past; the unspeakable way Aro had tainted me and how I had let him without fighting back for years. And of course there was still that little white lie where I had let Edward believe I had fucked that guy at the sleazy motel when really I'd given him one lousy blowjob. I had lied to protect Edward at the time but now I didn't want it to be something to come back and haunt me. Or haunt us.

I didn't even fucking know how to tell him the truth about that now without hurting his feelings.

Hey Edward, remember that guy whose nekkid ass you pulled away from me that night I'd decided to go back to fucking screwing up my life; well he never fucked me, even though I said he did. Anyway, no harm done; wanna make out?

Yes, that would work. Eye-roll.

"Your silence tells me you need to talk to Edward about a few things."

"And if I do? What will that gain me?"

"If you do, if you allow everything to be out in the open, then this relationship can be a wonderful thing."

"There are things I can't just blurt out," I argued. "I need time."

"Well, try to take small steps in sharing things but don't keep unnecessary secrets. Don't let there be room for misunderstandings."

"Be sure to know where you both stand in this; if you both want the same thing. The last thing you need is a new relationship with a shaky foundation. Especially since Edward is such an elemental part of your recovery as well

"That will only hurt you both in the end."

* * *

After my intense therapy session I decided to distract myself by going to the Seattle Public Library to find some books. I was determined to read up on stuff like baking bread and making pastries from scratch and Maggie had told me about a few books that were very informative and might come in handy.

I had been there once since I'd moved here. Some college professor had picked me up around Pioneer one late afternoon and had begged me to give him a blowjob in a forbidden place.

The public library had been his fantasy location. Not the most creative person, obviously.

I searched for the section with books on food and recipes but wound up in the aisle with books on religion. Talk about irony.

It was definitely not the section I was looking for. But then a book grabbed my attention and for some reason I had to pick it up.

_Catholicism for Dummies_

Now a long time ago religion had played an intense part in my life and I still remembered plenty of details about it – mostly how fucked up that time had been – but there was something I was particularly curious about.

_Ordination._

I wanted to know what Edward was giving up by choosing to be with me. Well, assuming that's what he wanted. I didn't want him to give up on something unless he was completely sure. But I also realized that he deserved to know more about me before making that choice. I didn't want him to choose me based on lies.

Ugh, Doctor Carmen had really planted a freaking seed with her honesty and no secrets speech.

"Bella?"

I turned and found myself looking at Riley Biers.

Oh joy, just what I needed.

He was smiling broadly, clearly quite happy to see me.

"Hey Riley," I said, flashing him a friendly but not too encouraging smile. He was like an eager puppy, ready to hump and pee on your leg whilst wagging his tail enthusiastically.

And of course, he took any type of smile as a form of encouragement.

"Wow, that's some heavy material you've got there." He pointed at the book.

"Yeah, I guess. I was actually looking for the section with cooking books but ended up here."

"Right, you like to cook." He nodded.

I gave him a surprised look because I didn't recall ever mentioning that to him.

"Emmett told me you made those cinnamon rolls Angela brought to work on Monday. Thank you for those, by the way. They were delicious. Well, the one Angela managed to save for me. Emmett tried to hog most of them."

"Oh, yeah that sounds like him." I nodded, whilst putting back the book on the shelf I had found it.

"You know, if you have any questions about being Catholic… I am… Catholic, I could help you."

He sounded perfectly polite and innocent but it felt so contrived. Plus, if I wanted any fun facts on being Catholic I would ask my… Edward.

"That's okay. I just stumbled upon this and got curious. I should probably head over to the cookbook section."

Riley smiled – seriously, the guy was trying to dislocate his jaw – and gestured for me to follow him.

"Allow me," he said. "I volunteered here for a while a few years back; I think I can still find the section you're looking for."

I followed him until we found the right section; it was filled with books on cooking and baking. There were loads of recipe books as well.

Knowing Edward was a fan of eating fish and thinking that if we got more serious and spent more time together as two people who were… dating, it wouldn't be unusual to assume I'd probably end up cooking for him more often, I pulled out a recipe book that was called 'Hooked on Fish'.

"More cooking?" Riley chuckled. "You must really love it."

I nodded. "I do."

"I wonder what a guy has to do to get you to cook for him," Riley said suggestively while I browsed through the pages.

I halted my skimming and reading and looked him straight in the eye, deadpanning. "Well it helps to be my… boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend?" Riley repeated. "I was under the impression you were available. When we met at the carnival Emmett said you were single. Maybe if we went on a date to determine if we're compatible…"

"Emmett was right," I interrupted. "But things have changed. I'm sure if you asked him now, he'd tell you I'm no longer available because I'm dating his brother."

* * *

It took me another 30 minutes to get rid of Riley. Sure, his eyes had bulged a little when I'd mentioned dating Edward and while that was maybe an exaggeration of our current romantic status, it did send a clear message.

Or so I thought.

Riley had composed himself fairly well and he decided my words were meaningless because he'd continued to semi-flirt with me like I'd never mentioned Edward at all.

Asshole. His behavior was the reason I believed most guys were jerks. The primal, caveman "must get woman" attitude was so lame and aggressive, it annoyed me. Like these types could not take a fucking hint. At least Edward was very different.

When I'd finally managed to shake Riley – thank fuck for cell phone interruptions that meant I could wave him off so he could take the call - I left with the books I wanted after getting my own library card. Outside I pulled out my phone to check the time and to find I'd missed two calls myself.

Two calls from Edward.

I called him back instantly.

"Hey you," he answered warmly. "I was beginning to think you were ignoring me."

I smiled as I heard his voice. "Now why would I do that? If anything it's the other way around; I haven't seen you all week," I teased.

After the rollercoaster ride that was Thanksgiving, we'd spent the whole week apart. We hadn't seen each other once since that night because Edward had a busy weekend, followed by a week in which school assignments and his dissertation had taken up a lot of time. Meanwhile I'd been focused on my new job.

Luckily, we'd spoken on the phone every night.

Our calls had been light and slightly meaningless; everyday Edward would ask me how my day had been and I'd ask him the same. It was obvious we were kind of dancing around each other after what had happened at Thanksgiving. And because we hadn't seen each other since then it was hard to determine what our status was. Neither of us had brought it up.

Of course, now that I'd told Riley that Edward and I were dating, I was sure word would get back to Emmett who would – no doubt – tell Edward what I'd said. That would probably spark a conversation.

Still, I didn't believe I was totally wrong or being rash about determining our status as "dating." The fact we had kissed – twice - indicated we were getting closer and closer. But maybe I should talk to Edward about labeling us as something.

I had to admit it didn't terrify me to think in terms of dating. I'd expected to welcome some space to process our rapidly growing feeling but all week there had been moments where I'd battled my need to see Edward. I'd had to stop myself from going downtown and stalk Edward at his place with the excuse I'd baked him something just so that I could see him because hearing his voice every day had not been enough.

"I haven't seen you all week either," Edward countered and I imagined an adorable pout on his face as he told me. "So how was your session?"

"Oh, I see you're stalking me." I chuckled. "And you're not even my first stalker today," I added.

"You're being stalked?" Edward said, his voice growing serious.

I sighed. "I was at the library to pick up some books Maggie had recommended and I ran into Riley Biers."

I tried to sound casual because ultimately it was no big deal but Edward didn't agree.

"Riley is stalking you?" he asked icily. "Did he bother you?"

"No, we just ran into each other. But I think he tried to flirt with me and hoped to get a date out of it."

"I see," Edward said, his voice controlled but I could hear the anger building. "Well, I hope he didn't push it."

Jealous Edward was so cute.

"Well," I continued casually, "I had to be firm and tell him we were dating."

I didn't leave room for pause or make it out to be a question. I stated it as a fact.

Edward didn't say anything and I wondered if I'd been overzealous and in fact premature to tell Riley that.

"Well, I hope he got the message," Edward finally spoke. "He shouldn't go after someone who's unavailable."

"I'm sure he understood. Anyway, if it helps, I'd rather you stalk me than him."

"Thanks," Edward said and the smile was back in his voice. "But no worries, I'm not around the corner waiting for you."

If only…

"Too bad," I sighed.

"Miss Swan, is that deep sigh an indication you miss my presence?

"Maybe…"

"And if you wish for me to be stalking you, it must be bad too."

I huffed. "Don't even tell me you don't miss me a little."

"Oh, but I do," Edward answered instantly which made me feel pretty good. "Which is why I wanted to ask you what you're doing tomorrow?"

"I'm spending my Saturday with a tall, dark and handsome guy," I quipped eagerly, hoping Edward was about to ask me to spend the day with him.

Edward snorted. "I see, well I guess you're busy then."

"Maybe I can cancel, if you have a better offer?"

"Well, I am no mysterious stranger who wants to sweep you off your feet with adventures but I do have two tickets for a tour at the Olympic Sculpture Park and I thought maybe you would like to go with me…"

"Are you asking me on a date?"

Edward was silent for a few moments until he sighed audibly.

"Wow, I just realized we never had a real date. I mean… our day in Seattle… was that an actual date?"

"Friends hanging out I think," I said.

"Well then… Bella… would you like to spend the day with me tomorrow; as a date?"

I remembered Doctor Carmen's words about being open and honest. If Edward and I were really getting serious then we also needed time to talk about some things.

What better time than tomorrow.

"Only if I can cook for you tomorrow night."

"I'd be a fool to resist a Bella meal."

Food. My secret weapon to appease him.

"Then yes, Edward; I would love to spend tomorrow with you."

"Excellent, it's a date!"

* * *

I should've known that this happy "on top of the world" feeling wouldn't last long. That some sort of karma would come and bite me in the ass. After all, that was the story of my life.

On Saturday I woke up after a restless night that hadn't just been filled with nightmares but also with strange dreams of Edward's lips dancing around me like bad neon colored 80's music video lips.

And now my body fucking ached and not in the "I want you" type way.

It felt like I'd ran a marathon without any preparation by neither spending months training nor a warming up before the start.

It felt like bruises covered every inch of my body, like someone was slamming my head against a wall repeatedly. My nose felt dry and my throat seemed to be made of sandpaper.

I was getting sick.

Fuck me.

Talk about shitty timing.

While my body screamed for rest, I got up anyway. I made tea and took one Tylenol, hoping I could nip this thing in the bud before Edward would be here. And I really could not afford getting sick since I hadn't even started my second week at the bakery. That would send such a bad message about my work ethic.

But with every minute that passed, my body started aching more; my head was pounding severely and my muscles felt like they had been stretched beyond their limit. And a hot shower that was meant to soothe my limbs only made matters worse because instead of making me feel better, it alerted me to a concerning fact.

As soon as I stepped out from underneath the scolding spray of water, goose bumps started covering my skin. The shivers that hurt my body even more.

I probably had a fever too.

I searched for some sweatpants and a t-shirt and forced myself into them before dragging my feet back to the kitchen for some more Tylenol and water.

I didn't have the energy to lift my spirits enough to actually spend the day with Edward – as much as that sucked - and was about to call him to cancel when there was a knock at the door.

I shuffled to the door and found none other than Edward standing there, holding a brown paper bag with the Starbucks logo in his hands.

"Morning, sunshine." He smiled. "I brought breakfast."

I gestured for him to come in and closed the door behind him as soon after he had entered.

He placed the paper bag on the small cabinet next to the door and turned to face me.

I flashed him a small smile which was enough of an invitation for him to wrap his arms around me.

"I missed you," he whispered as he peppered my hair with small kisses.

"Missed you too," I mumbled groggily, exhaustion and general malaise tampering my feelings.

Edward moved a little so he could press his lips against my forehead. They felt cool against my heated skin because he'd just gotten in from the cold.

I shivered involuntarily despite welcoming the attention, which caused Edward to lean back to look at me

"Are you alright?"

His voice was now laced with concern and initially I wanted to shrug it off but I felt so miserable I simply couldn't fake it.

I shook my head. "I feel like sh… not good."

"You're hot," Edward pointed out.

"Thanks, you're not so bad yourself," I teased a little, knowing perfectly well that he wasn't talking about my appearance.

"Very cute," Edward said. "I was referring to your body temperature."

"So you don't find me hot?" I fake pouted.

Edward rolled his eyes and took my hand to guide me to the sofa. "Hot is a demeaning term, like you're an object or something."

"So what would you call me?"

I was just fishing now, curious if Edward found me physically attractive. I definitely believed he did – I'd seen and _felt_ the proof of that a few times - but I wanted him to admit it.

Maybe my fever was worse than I thought.

"Are you fishing for compliments?" Edward asked as he handed me a glass of water.

"Maybe," I muttered. "Though perhaps I'm delirious with fever."

Edward chuckled. "I don't believe that. But to answer your question: you're very beautiful."

I blushed at his compliment, which made him smile. "It's true. You really are beautiful. Gorgeous. Exquisite. Need I go on?"

"No one has ever called me beautiful." I sighed. "Well no one of any importance."

"Well, I'm glad to be the first. Anyway, I do think you have a small fever. Do you have anything?"

"I already took two Tylenol."

"Did you take your temperature?"

I shook my head.

"Bella," Edward scolded me. "You need to take care of yourself."

"I'm sorry Doctor Cullen," I muttered.

Edward rolled his eyes again. "Doctor Cullen is my father."

"Ugh."

"Do you even own a thermometer?"

I tried to figure out if I'd ever bought one and came to the conclusion I probably hadn't since it'd been a long time since I'd gotten sick so it had never held any use.

"I don't think I own a thermometer," I admitted.

"I figured as much," Edward said. "Okay, tell me… where does it hurt?"

"Everything hurts. I feel like I've been run over by a truck."

"Your body hurts and…" Edward pressed his hand against my forehead, "You have a fever. Does your throat hurt? Any coughing? Do you have a cold?"

Fuck, he was really acting like a doctor.

"I had a runny nose and sneezed a lot last night but that seemsgone now. My throat hurts though. It feels like it's made of sandpaper."

"Okay, I'm going to find the nearest pharmacy and get you some things."

"You really don't have to do that," I argued. "I am fine."

Edward flashed me a look that screamed skepticism.

"Just rest, I'll be back soon."

He grabbed his jacket and put it on before he turned to walk straight into my bed room.

He emerged from it with a soft wool blanket that usually occupied a shelf in my closet before I could ask him what he was doing.

Then he gently pushed me back into the sofa cushions, wrapping the blanket around me before pressing his lips to my forehead and ordering me to stay put.

My body ached too much to protest and surely enough I felt myself drifting off into a fever induced slumber.

Looking back, I barely recalled anything that happened after Edward came back from his trip to the pharmacy. I didn't remember him taking my temperature, nor did I recall how I ended up in my bed.

I didn't know what day it was and time meant nothing to me for a while. I drifted in and out of oblivion with the occasional muffled voices alerting me in between. I vaguely remembered something cool on my forehead and gentle touches holding me upright to force me to drink some water.

I was in and out of it for what seemed like a lengthy period without an end until a sharp pain in my ear that radiated to the side of my head dragged me straight back to the state of reality.

This pain was beyond annoying; beyond bearable.

It hummed, it pulsated and mostly it felt like my freaking ear was on fire.

I tried to sit upright but my haziness and the screaming pain inside my ear made that nearly impossible. I wanted to claw at my ear or get a knife to cut it off Van Gogh style.

Motherfucking fuck.

I must have produced some noise because the door to my bedroom opened and Edward appeared, looking relieved at first.

"You're up," he stated with a smile. "Do you feel better?"

But then, as he noticed I was frantically clutching my ear, his eyes went wide and he rushed to my side.

"Bella?"

"My ear… I… fuck… it hurts so much," I croaked. "Please make it stop," I begged in a whisper.

Edward's face fell and he tentatively reached out to cup my cheek.

"Looks like you are burning up too. I think I need to take you to the ER. Your fever is spiking and you must be in pain."

At that point he could've told me anything, I didn't care. I just wanted the pain to stop.

It could have been an hour; a day or forever but eventually I found myself in the overcrowded waiting area of Seattle Medical Center.

I tried to remember how we'd gotten there… something about a car… a worried looking Angela and Ben… he must have driven us… I remembered Edward holding me close and humming an unfamiliar tune to distract me. I couldn't recall any more specifics. I knew it was Sunday though but I didn't manage to concentrate on the time I'd been out or my surroundings for long as the pain shooting through my ear kept taking over my focus.

I wanted to bang my head against the white walls. I wanted to scream. The only thing preventing me from doing that was the almost soothing effect of my face being buried in the crook of Edward's neck, while he gently whispered that everything would be alright or tried to joke to distract me.

Eventually something alerted Edward and he rose carefully and lifted me up. He grabbed my waist and supported most of my weight as he led me to an exam room.

In there I was met with a pair of brown eyes, hiding behind thick black rimmed glasses. The eyes belonged to a man in a white coat who introduced himself as Doctor Jared Cameron. His hair was jet black and cut short and his skin tone seemed to indicate he was Native American. He resembled Paul a little, if Paul was a successful non screw up

"Let's see… Miss…"

"…Swan," Edward added. "Bella Swan."

"Do you mind if I call you Bella?"

I didn't fucking care what he called me, as long as he could make the pain go away.

"It hurts," I whispered.

"Her ear," Edward clarified. "I think she has an infection. And she has a fever that's spiking."

Doctor Jared nodded before he turned to Edward. "Are you related to her?"

Edward remained silent for a few seconds before he answered confidently. "I'm Edward Cullen, Bella's boyfriend."

My fever might be clouding my brain and the pain was near insufferable but the significance of his words didn't entirely escape me.

Edward had introduced himself as my boyfriend. Maybe he'd used the term for lack of a better definition of what he was to me but still… he could have said close friend or mention we're dating. It seemed he had chosen this term specifically and with a reason.

"Okay Mr. Cullen, how long has Bella here been sick?"

"She had a case of the sniffles on Friday and woke up with a sore throat and a fever yesterday. She slept most of the day and night but her fever started spiking when she woke up earlier and complained that her ear hurt a lot. And her temperature was a 103 when I checked it right before we came here."

"I walked in the rain on Friday," I offered lamely.

"Hmm. Well, the rain doesn't make you sick. It's a misconception that the weather creates colds. A common cold is an infection. The weather however, does affect the body and your immune system. It's easier to catch an infection with a compromised immune system when your body's temperature fluctuates because of outdoor temperatures and the elements."

"We're aware," Edward muttered.

"Is she drinking enough fluids?"

"Yes. I make sure she drinks water or tea."

"Is she taking any cold medicine?"

"No," Edward answered. "Just some Tylenol."

"And did she have a fever the entire time."

I listened as Edward answered, swaying back and forth a little to distract me from the pain.

"Yes, it seemed under control last night but today it's been rising. And her ear started acting up."

"Well, it sounds like an acute middle ear infection but I want to check Bella's ear and take her temperature."

He rolled the stool he was sitting on close to the exam table and rose. He grabbed a large white thermometer and put it in my "good" pain free ear for a few seconds until it started beeping, alerting it had taken my temperature.

"103.6. That's pretty common for an ear infection."

"But also quite high," Edward commented.

Doctor Jared Something shrugged and grabbed a silver thingy and pushed aside my hair to stick it in my ear. The bad, painful "wish I could cut it off" ear.

"This might hurt just a little."

Asshole. It hurt a motherfucking lot.

I whimpered as the metal object hit the pain spot in my ear and grabbed the paper cover on the exam table in agony.

Edward took one of my hands in his and squeezed it gently. "It's going to be fine. I promise," he said softly.

After a few moments Doctor Jared-Something – fuck what was his last name again? – pulled away, laying the metal ear poker down and peeling off his plastic gloves.

"It's a nasty middle ear infection. Must hurt a lot."

No shit.

"Bella, first I am going to give you a shot of Rocephin because the infection is so severe. It's an antibiotic commonly used for ear infections and because it goes straight into the blood stream, it'll hopefully kick in faster.

"I am also going to prescribe a course of antibiotics for you to start tomorrow and eardrops to ease the pain and normalize the PH levels in your ear again."

He started scribbling something down and when he was done he handed a note to Edward.

"You can pick this up at the pharmacy on the first floor. You'll need to fill in some forms for your insurance to cover it. The antibiotics will be taken orally, 2 times every 24 hours for a week, starting tomorrow."

He started preparing some stuff while Edward continued to hold my hand. Then the doctor turned and I spotted a giant needle on a tray.

"Can she still take Tylenol for the pain as well?" Edward asked. "I mean in combination with the antibiotics and the ear drops?"

"Yes, that shouldn't be a problem."

Doctor Jared turned back to me, holding the giant needle in his hand. "Bella, this will sting but you'll feel the benefits soon enough."

I had no time to protest or anything because the prick of the needle was sudden and momentarily distracted me from the pain in my ear.

I gripped the exam table again and seriously considered kneeing this asshole in the balls. The prick that dared to prick me.

"Okay, you're all set. The antibiotics should start kicking in within a few days. Use the drops and Tylenol for the pain. Plus, get lots of rest."

I nodded weakly. I just wanted to fucking sleep.

"Thanks," I whispered as Edward helped me up.

"If her condition doesn't improve within two to three days, don't hesitate to come back," the doctor told Edward before shaking his hand. "Feel better Bella," he smiled before opening the door for us.

Edward led me down to the pharmacy where a blonde and busty nurse got all up in his business as soon as he addressed her.

"Hello. I'm here to pick up some medicine for my girlfriend."

Girlfriend. He said it with such ease, or maybe it just seemed that way because I felt so horrible. And maybe he was just using that word because it was easier to get things done that way instead of having to explain that we were sort of friends or something.

But he had called himself my boyfriend earlier and fever delirium or not, he had sounded sincere.

I slumped against the wall as Busty Nurse tried to flirt up a storm with my… boyfriend.

I kind of liked referring to Edward that way.

"You need to fill in some forms for your insurance," Busty pointed out as she handed Edward some paperwork.

"Okay, Bella, I know this is the last thing on your mind right now but there're some things in here I don't know or need to check."

My brain was fried and I had to focus to really understand Edward's questions.

"Full name: Isabella Marie Swan, right?"

I fucking hated that name.

"Yes."

"Date of birth? September 13. What year Bella?"

"1987," I muttered after it took me a while to count back from my twenty-three years of age.

"You wouldn't happen to know your insurance number? Or the company?"

I snorted. Silly Edward. Like hookers got some type of Medicare.

"I don't have any," I murmured.

"No insurance?"

"No, it didn't come with the package. Just free condoms," I muttered.

"You've never had insurance before?"

"Not since I'm in Seattle," I said weakly, really wishing we'd get the drugs so we could leave.

"What's your social security number?"

I shook my head. A social security number and insurance coverage belonged to a different Bella.

And she was long gone.

"Alright, maybe this is enough information. I'll just pay for the costs and-" I tried to hold up my hand in protest but it dropped as soon as I managed to lift it; I had no body strength at all, "-you can pay me back at some point."

Edward went back to the counter where Busty Nurse had laid out my medicine and was eagerly awaiting Edward's return.

"Did you get it all?"

"Well, unfortunately, there's been a recent issue with my girlfriend's insurance, so I'll just pay for the consult and the medicine in cash."

"Okay, that shouldn't be a problem but let me first check in our computer if she's registered based on what you have written down. It's hospital policy to make sure we have accurate information."

Edward shrugged and I wanted to smother the bitch for taking up so much time and attention. For fucks sake, if this would take any longer they might as well put me in a room here.

I winced a little which instantly caught Edward's attention. He leaned in and stroked my burning cheek. "I'm sorry; it won't be much longer. Then you can rest."

"I feel like crap," I muttered, as I quivered against the feverish goose bumps that were forming on my skin.

"I know," Edward said sympathetically. "I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better soon."

"Excuse me," Busty Nurse interrupted to get Edward's attention. Bitch. "But you forgot to list your… girl…. her allergies."

Edward moved back to the counter and looked over the list. Then he turned to me.

"Do you have any allergies?"

"I am allergic to anything plastic and annoying," I muttered which caused Edward to chuckle.

"Duly noted." He smiled.

"No allergies," he told Busty and handed her back the form.

I closed my eyes and wished for it to be fucking over soon. My head was pounding, my ear was on fire and overall I felt like I was ready to fucking collapse.

I could hear her typing away on the computer, her fake nails ticking against the keys, until she stopped.

"Hmm, when I use the date of birth you wrote down and the full name, no old insurance policies or medical history pulls up. You see we have this national database where we can find old medical files and such."

Of course nothing would come up. Isabella Marie Swan didn't really exist before I came to Seattle; not even legally because all traces of her had been erased.

Maggie and I had briefly discussed registering for a social security number; technically she could hire me without one – no law could stop her - but the IRS could choose to be difficult if she did, so she'd preferred if I did get a social security number.

"I understand but like I explained, there's an issue with Ms. Swan's insurance so I'll just pay in cash."

"Are you sure she's never been married or anything?"

My eyes flew open and instantly met Edward's, who looked at me quizzically. Under different – healthier - circumstances, I would have rolled my eyes at him. Me married. He should know fucking better.

_But how can he know, Bella, when you tell him so little. When you lie to him about basic things_.

"No, she's never been married," Edward answered before he looked back at Busty.

"Well, this is just a strange coincidence then." She chuckled. "One of those strange, one in a million occurrences."

"What do you mean?" Edward asked.

"Well, I'm not supposed to say but for you I can make an exception," Busty flirted, which did make me roll my eyes. What the fuck was it with all these women flirting with my… Edward? First Tits, now Busty. A carnival of boobs to suffocate him. And talk about being unprofessional by sharing someone's personal information to score points.

"Edward," I spoke up. "I want to go home."

"We'll be out in a minute," he promised me.

I nodded and closed my eyes again; hoping Busty would finally take a fucking hint and let Edward pay for my medicine so we could go.

"Let me pay for the bills, it's no problem," he told Busty. "You accept credit cards right?"

But Busty had no fucking intention to let him go so easily. She seemed determined to drag this out for as long as she fucking could. So much for helping the ailing. Had my mind been able to process conspiracies I would have fucking believed this was one. Because instead of dropping her flirting and helping Edward like a professional she made matters that much fucking worse by making the decision to share confidential information with him because it might score her a smile or whatever.

"You see, you wrote down Isabella Marie Swan, date of birth September 13, 1987 and I have medical records here for someone named Isabella Marie Volturi with the exact same date of birth…

…that's why I asked if she's ever been married."

I kept my eyes closed, willing this to go away. The name meant nothing. That girl was long gone; buried in a hell hole back in Chicago.

"It even says she's had ear infections before," Busty mentioned. "But she's not allergic to antibiotics so that's good."

"Well, I'm sure you shouldn't be sharing this information with me," Edward said impatiently. "And I really want to take her home, so if you can tell me how much this costs so I can pay you that would be great."

That _would_ be fucking great. If she could shut the bleep up and let us leave. But of course she didn't. "Are you sure? Because if your… if she is in fact Ms. Volturi and there's been a… a mix up with the name that would mean she does have insurance. And honey, it's a heckuva lot cheaper to let the insurance company cover most of these costs."

I could hear Edward sigh. "Look, Miss, I am sure you mean well," – the fuck she did; she was a lousy excuse for a healthcare professional – "but it would be illegal for my girlfriend to file any claims without proper identification and coincidences like names and birthdates are no reason to commit fraud. Now, I'd like to pay for the medicine so I can take my very sick girlfriend home."

* * *

Edward remained quiet on the drive back and while I felt too exhausted and sick to strike up a conversation his silence was deafening and it bothered me. Ben had apparently waited in the hospital parking lot so he could give us a ride. He kept his eyes on the road and spoke little as Edward held me close in the back seat.

Things had obviously shifted between us. It was one thing to be buddies or even friends but the moment our lips had touched and we had sort of declared ourselves, things had changed and I could no longer push him away from everything. There were so many lies, so many secrets and I owed Edward more than keeping mum about them.

This latest thing with the medical file was another addition to the "Secrets and Lies of Bella Swan" repertoire. Another person would have started googling my ass by now. But not Edward; he would never overstep any privacy boundaries. Which was why he deserved answers straight from the horse's mouth.

I took a deep breath and the motion reminded me of the stabs of pain in my ear, which made me flinch.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked me - his first words since we had left Busty standing there behind her little pill-counter, mouth agape while Edward had paid for my medicine and led me away - as he pressed his lips to my hair.

"Dandy," I muttered. "I'd like to cut off my ear."

"I'm taking you to my apartment. Ben is dropping us off," Edward told me then. "I don't think your apartment is the proper place to recuperate and you need someone to keep an eye on you until you feel better. Your fever is too high to ignore and not monitor properly."

"You don't have to do that," I protested weakly. "I am sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't need a babysitter."

"Bella, I don't want you to be alone.""

How could I resist him when he was making it so hard by being so sweet? But I didn't want to be a burden. And I was

"I don't have any of my stuff at your place," I argued.

"Angela can pack up some things for you," Ben said. "We'll drop it off later."

"Thanks," Edward said. "For being a friend."

Ben shrugged and flashed us a smile from the rearview mirror. "It's no big deal; I hope Bella feels better soon. She's no fun when she's not making snarky comments."

When we got to Edward's place, he went out of his way to make me feel comfortable. He led me to his room, where he fluffed pillows and covered me in sheets and blankets to keep me warm. He then excused himself to get the prescribed ear drops and some Tylenol for the pain.

I leaned back against the headboard and closed my eyes. Taking deep breaths I tried to ignore the pain in my ear.

Suddenly a hand cupped my cheek, forcing me to open my eyes.

"Hey," Edward whispered. "Can you tilt your head sideways so I can put some drops in your ear?"

I nodded and scooted down so my head would lie sideways on the pillow to give Edward better access.

I winced as the cool liquid filled my ear and closed it up.

"Sorry," Edward mumbled.

We remained silent for a few moments; I kept my head firmly pressed against the pillow to make sure the ear drops wouldn't drip out and Edward watched me intently.

He was the first to break the silence.

"Bella, I don't want to have this conversation right now but I have to ask; Isabella Marie Volturi; is that you? Do you have insurance and a social security number under a different last name?"

I shifted a little so I could look at him.

His jade eyes were shining with a certain demand and I had no doubt that he knew the answer without me verbally confirming it. But I couldn't say the actual words; I simply couldn't give Edward what he wanted. My brain was in no state to bear the consequences of sharing secrets with him right now.

I wasn't ready to face the ghost of Isabella Marie Volturi.

I took a deep breath before answering him.

"Look, I'll pay you back."

"It's not about the money; I don't care about that. But I was completely blindsided today; I know so little about you and in a medical emergency I wouldn't know what to tell a doctor."

"It's an ear infection, that's hardly an emergency," I mumbled.

"Really, because the grimaces on your face beg to differ. And apparently you are susceptible to ear infections," Edward pointed out. "For all I know, you could have been allergic to certain antibiotics."

What Busty Nurse had read in my file wasn't entirely true; or rather; it was a very obscure version of Aro's truth. Not to mention the fact she broke an oath by sharing confidential information because she thought it was a way to flirt. Anyway, I had a few ear infections as a teen because Aro had made us fly around the country – and the world - so many times and it damaged my ears with the differences in air pressure levels. But mostly he had used those as an excuse to get me some refills on antibiotics for more intimate reasons…

Fucker gave me an STD right before my sixteenth birthday. So much for fucking protection and Happy Fucking Birthday to me. It had been the only time Renee had gotten pissed about what Aro did to me frequently.

Pissed at me, mind you. While it had been her fault to give him the STD in the first place because she still whored herself out to everything with a cock. Of course nothing was ever her fault.

"I'm not susceptible to ear infections," I muttered.

"The point is that if we're serious about being together; we need to know these things about each other...

...So Bella, you have got to start giving me some answers."

* * *

**A/N There is something I've been asked about: Carlisle and Edward have both referred to the fact that if Edward pursues a relationship with Bella, he can't become a priest. Several readers kindly wondered/pointed out that he doesn't have to be a virgin to become a priest. So even if he had a relationship with Bella, he could still become a priest after. (But as a Roman-Catholic, he cannot be married after ordination and must be celibate)**

**Now my mind for some reason had linked the following: have sex, can't become a priest - which is not true (and when I re-read about ordination it hit me) however I do think it's not strange for Edward to feel the choice of being with Bella is rejecting his future as a priest completely and permanently. Now Carlisle said: "Son, if you choose Bella then you are essentially and consciously giving up on ordination." Now what he says is not wrong from an emotional/fatherly POV but speaking in terms of oRman-Catholic traditions, it would be incorrect. Like I said; I interpreted it in a certain way, which is stupid but I am calling on a bit of leeway/creative freedom to interpret both Carlisle and Edward's words as emotional reactions and personal beliefs. It's not unrealistic Carlisle believes his son won't become a priest when choosing Bella and for Edward to believe the same. Having said that; I want to thank people for pointing it out and I will set the record straight in the next EdwardPOV to keep the story as realistic/ fair as possible.**

**Speaking of realistic; Busty Nurse is a fan-fic nurse who breaks rules a normal pharmacy nurse would never without getting into ethical trouble, that's why Edward sets her straight. Still, with the damage done and the info shared, Edward does have (more) questions for Bella which will come up next chapter.**

**This chapter was a transitional chapter. ****I am aware things are vague; like Bella and her social security number issue, although it's actually true you don't NEED one to work. But most employers definitely want you to have one to prevent legal messes with the IRS for instance. Now Bella does have one under a different name. And there's definitely more to be told about IM Volturi. Therefore, some vagueness will remain for now which might also make certain legal technicalities vague for now. I know things will/might raise questions but I hope you'll have faith the answers will come.**

**As always, I appreciate every comment and review and every person taking the time to read this story! I don't want to be one of those authors who makes up excuses for things; if I mess up, let me know. :)**

**Pff, this A/N is almost longer than the actual chapter.**

**Have a good week! East-coast people: stay safe from Irene!**


	35. Declarations

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own (NotGonnaBe)Priestward and PottymouthBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 33: DECLARATIONS**

_Tap Tap Tap…_

I stared at the screen of my laptop, looking at what I'd just typed.

But the words weren't ones that belonged in my dissertation.

I had typed without thinking, or perhaps because I'd been thinking too much.

_Isabella Marie Volturi._

I stared at those three words, really looked at them for a while. On screen they seemed so insignificant.

Meaningless. Three words typed in Verdana.

Just a name. No big deal.

But the name held a mystery. The name belonged to a secret I probably couldn't begin to comprehend because Bella refused to share it.

Now, a part of me was simply curious because the name Volturi rang a bell. Not a very loud bell, mind you, but a small tingling that kept me wondering where I'd heard that name before. I supposed it was human nature to be speculative and while every person had their right to privacy, we all had a certain desire to know other people's deepest and darkest secrets especially if we felt there was a good mystery involved.

And Bella was a good mystery.

My curiosity was something I could ignore or contain. If curiosity had been my sole motivator to learn Bella's secrets, to know her past, I would have admonished myself to value Bella's privacy and get over it even if the name sounded familiar.

Unfortunately things weren't that simple. Bella's refusal to share was understandable yet frustrating.

Also, it was getting old.

I had no doubt her past was colorful and that remembering and having to talk about it wasn't easy for her. I truly understood that.

But now that we were getting closer, it was more than curiosity that had me desperate for her to open up.

Bella's past was haunting her in many ways. While I didn't have any details I knew that much. It consumed and frightened her; I'd seen that up close a few times. And that wasn't healthy and prevented her from leaving the past behind and living her life in the now and focus on her future.

There was this Aro person, whom she clearly feared. Whoever he was it was evident he seemed to be this invisible force with a strong hold on her. I'd wondered if maybe he was an old boyfriend or someone she owed money but her dread seemed to run too deep for it to be something relatively simple like that.

The tumultuous relationship with her parents didn't help either and while she never mentioned them in specifics it seemed they played a part in the mystery as well. All I knew was that her dad liked sports and that Bella seemed unimpressed with her mother because she had mentioned she didn't want to become like her during one of our group therapy sessions.

Whatever that "becoming" entailed or what it was based on, I had no idea.

Then there was Forks. And that church in Italy; the Santa Maria Maggiore.

There were clues; little snippets which I'd picked up on by accident or when Bella had been freaked out enough to share.

But that was before we'd declared ourselves. Before we'd kissed.

All of that had different meaning now that we were… _dating._

Yes, dating.

I was dating someone.

Well, Bella was not just someone.

She was my… _girlfriend._

There I said it, just like I had told that doctor and the extremely incompetent pharmacy nurse at the hospital.

Bella was my girlfriend.

The word had slipped from my lips so easily and without any hesitation.

And I meant it.

Bella was my girlfriend and that automatically made me her boyfriend.

And I may have very little - well actually _no_ experience - but people who called each other that also shared information about their likes, dislikes, past and any important things their significant other should know.

If we couldn't find a way to communicate then any romantic connection would be clouded by uncertainties and misunderstandings that would always stand between us. That could lead to awkward moments and possibly even life threatening situations.

Okay, perhaps that was a slight exaggeration in general but what if there were occurrences where it was essential to know a part of Bella that she hadn't shared before?

Like how she was possibly sensitive to ear infections.

We had planned to spend Saturday together but when I had arrived at Bella's apartment after a quick breakfast stop at Starbucks, it became evident she was in no shape to go out.

My instinct had instantly kicked in. As had my worry.

First, I had gone to a local pharmacy, once again struck by the fact Bella's neighborhood wasn't the right place for her.

I was certain there was a sense of prejudice on my part because I had never spent much time around Rainier Valley before I met Bella but this area was definitely less economically fortunate compared to where I lived. Maybe it made me a snob but I wanted Bella away from there.

Now going to the local pharmacy hadn't been that simple because I'd had a hard time locating one. Not wanting to disturb Bella by calling her for directions, I'd called Angela instead and she had been happy to lead me to the nearest pharmacy by providing guidance on the phone.

By the time I'd gotten back to Bella, she'd been out cold on her sofa, covered by the blanket I'd tucked around her before I left.

I'd gently picked her up and carried her to her room. She'd sighed softly as she leaned against my chest.

"Edward," had escaped her lips and she'd sounded so content. She'd sounded happy.

While I had not welcomed the circumstance of Bella being sick, her words had warmed me as much as her feverish skin had.

"Shh, sleep my Bella," I had whispered and in that moment I'd probably already declared her my girlfriend in my head without thinking.

I'd spent the rest of Saturday taking care of Bella, hoping her fever would break soon so that she would feel better.

Angela and Ben had stopped by briefly, mostly to keep me company. I'd called my parents to let them know I would have to skip mass on Sunday because I couldn't leave Bella alone. My mother had been very understanding and she had gone into instant "mom-mode" by offering to make her infamous chicken and stars soup; something she had always made whenever Emmett or I were sick as kids.

My father had surprised me by asking for Bella's symptoms and being genuinely concerned and sounding truly interested for once. Though maybe he'd felt obligated because of the oath he'd taken as a doctor.

Occasionally I'd woken Bella up to give her some Tylenol or let her drink something and by nightfall her skin seemed cooler and it had made me optimistic that she might feel better in the morning.

But she hadn't. She'd only gotten worse.

By the time it was Sunday afternoon, I'd found her in intense pain which had forced me to take her to the emergency room because her fever was sky rocketing and her ear was giving her a lot of agony.

Ben had driven us to Seattle Medical Center, offering to wait out in the parking lot to give us a ride back.

Eventually a doctor had diagnosed Bella with a heavy ear infection.

And then the insurance issue came up.

Now truth be told, I had never even thought of that.

It made sense though. Bella had spent the past few years conducting her "business" on the street. There had never been any need for a social security number and insurance was likely something she couldn't afford.

But then there was Isabella Marie Volturi.

A different person and yet also the same.

She had insurance. She had a social security number.

She existed in ways Bella didn't.

So why did Bella leave this behind? And what exactly did she leave behind?

Who was Isabella Marie Volturi?

Did Bella Swan even exist or had she made that up. Was she in fact someone else?

I sighed, staring at my computer screen again.

The cursor flickered next to the name.

_Isabella Marie Volturi._

After I had brought Bella home from the hospital, demanding she would stay with me instead of her own place, I had been in snob mode again, convinced that her building was infested with germs and whatnot. Then I had practically forced her to give me some answers.

While the pharmacy nurse had been obnoxious with her flirting – I think that had been what she'd tried to do - and her severe lack in health care professionalism, she had also planted a seed in my head.

That name. Isabella Marie Volturi. Those small details. A social security number. More ear infections in the past.

Standing alone these tidbits meant little but all together they added to the mystery that was my… my girlfriend.

Bella Marie Swan.

Was she even real?

She had promised we would talk when she felt better, ignoring the scowl that had formed on my face as she'd pushed me away again, making promises she might not keep and always managing to break them because she hated talking about the things that haunted her.

But this time she would not run. This time she would give me some answers.

Unless...

I stared at the name Volturi.

I could…

I shouldn't.

But I could…

I could find some answers myself.

I could google the name to get some answers. It would be so easy. Every person had some sort of reference on the internet nowadays.

I had no malicious intent. I would just take a peek at the name. See what would come up and find out where I might have heard it before. I wouldn't start digging or anything.

_Right, Edward, _I scolded myself._ Like you would stop once you'd find something._

I sighed. I couldn't betray Bella's trust like that. It would have to come from her.

"Hey," a voice sounded behind me. "What are you doing?"

I turned and saw the most beautiful sight.

Bella, my fallen angel was standing there in a pair of my black sweats – they were way too big on her so she had rolled them up around the waist a few times - and one of my black t-shirts. Her feet were covered in a pair of my socks.

All mine. And I liked the idea that those clothes smelled like her now. It awakened something primal in me.

Her hair looked disheveled from not brushing it because she'd been in bed for days and her skin was pale. Her eyes had slight purple bruises underneath them but the golden brown of her irises had a little sparkle again.

"You're up," I said, jumping up from my chair to get to her.

"I had to go to the bathroom," Bella explained. "Plus, I'm kind of thirsty."

"How do you feel?" I asked as I touched her forehead with my hand, noticing that it still felt clammy but thankfully far less hot.

"Better, definitely better," Bella said as she leaned into me.

I didn't hesitate to wrap my arms around her and bury my nose in her bed-head hair. Bella sighed and placed her hands against my chest.

"I'm glad. And relieved," I whispered. "You had me worried."

"I'm sorry," Bella murmured as she placed her cheek against my chest.

I moved back a little to look at her again. "Does your ear feel better?"

Bella nodded. "It's still throbbing a little and there's this annoying high beeping sound I keep hearing but the worst pain is gone."

I let her go and she swayed a little, so I took hold of her waist to steady her.

I traced her sides with my fingers, letting them ghost over her ribs – she had definitely lost a few pounds from eating so little in the past few days.

Bella gave me a sheepish look and I realized I had never touched her like this before; it was quite intimate.

I flashed her a smile before releasing her and guiding her to the sofa.

"You said you were thirsty."

Bella nodded.

"Tea or water?"

"Water is fine," Bella said as she slumped down a little. I could tell that while she was doing better, being sick and in bed for days had taken its toll on her. She had lost some weight, her muscles were probably weak from lying down and she must be feeling generally tired. It would take some time for her to be back to her full strength again.

I grabbed Bella a bottle of water and a Tylenol – just in case she needed it. She was still hours away from having to take her antibiotics.

I went back to the living room and noticed my laptop was still on, screen open and ready for Bella to read that name.

Her name.

But Bella didn't seem to care and as she took the water and Tylenol, I went to shut it down.

"Have you been working hard?" she asked instead.

"Christmas break is coming up in only a few weeks. I have a few assignments that I need to finish before then."

Bella yawned and nodded at the same time.

"Are you hungry? There's some chicken and stars soup left."

"You cooked?" Bella asked suspiciously.

I shook my head, smiling. "My mother did."

Yesterday, my mother had insisted on bringing soup over, even though I had told her it was unnecessary she had been relentless.

And once she had arrived at my apartment, she had made a list and did some grocery shopping, making sure my refrigerator was stocked aplenty for days to come.

"I'd like some soup."

I went into my kitchen to reheat the soup.

"What day is it anyway?" Bella asked from the living room. "I barely recall anything from the past few days."

"It's Tuesday – late afternoon," I told her, as I poured the soup into a bowl and grabbed a spoon to take it over to Bella.

I put it on the coffee table so it could cool down a bit and sat down on the sofa next to Bella.

"Wow," she said. "The last thing I really remember is going to the hospital, even though that's fuzzy as well. I can't believe I've been out for days. Wait… Maggie, she must think I am a lousy employee for being absent already in my second week!"

"No worries," I reassured her. "Maggie knows you're sick and she told me to wish you a speedy recovery and not to worry. When you're well again, you still have a job. She doesn't think badly of you now, she is only worried about your wellbeing."

Bella let out a sigh of relief before reaching for the bowl of soup and moving back onto the sofa where she held the soup close to her chest and shuddered as its warmth touched her through the fabric of the t-shirt.

"Are you cold?" I asked as little clouds of the steam from the heated broth engulfed her.

"No, I just love the smell of chicken soup." Bella smiled. "I should really call your mother to thank her."

"No need, she loves to take care of sick people," I said. "Sometimes I wonder why she didn't become a nurse."

My mother had been pretty worried about Bella and she had not even questioned the fact I had brought Bella here. In fact, she had acted like it was the most normal thing in the world, even though it really wasn't.

I had never had a girl here, let alone a girl I was now calling my girlfriend.

Of course, I hadn't really shared those feelings with my mother. It was one thing for her to stop by and fuss over me and particularly Bella and another to embrace the idea of gaining another daughter-in-law.

Well, sort of.

Plus, I hadn't even discussed labeling what we had with Bella. I should probably do that before sharing it with the world.

"Nurse," Bella mused. "I remember that at the hospital, there was a nurse… was she… did she… have gigantic boobs?"

My former self would have flushed with embarrassment, unsure of how to respond but I wasn't all that innocent anymore.

I'd kissed and been affectionate with a girl so to say I didn't notice now when a woman used her breasts to get my attention would be ridiculous. Having said that, while I had noticed what the pharmacy nurse had tried, it had been her lack in being a medical professional that had really caught my attention.

"Yes, she… she did." I chuckled.

"You checked them out," Bella mock-gasped. "You're a perv, Edward Cullen. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you'd take a peek at someone's cleavage."

Now this did make me blush because in some ways I was still pretty innocent. I'd never consider taking a look at a woman's cleavage, unless maybe it was Bella. I had no doubt I was curious there. It was enough already to stop my eyes from lingering on certain parts of her body. I remembered the first time we met; Bella had worn very little and her lack of a proper outfit had caught my attention even then.

"I didn't take a peek," I argued. "They were right there, practically shoved in my face."

"Sure, sure." Bella chuckled as she started blowing at her soup before taking a hesitant mouthful. "Whatever you made yourself believe."

"Bella, I would never look at a woman's breasts like that. I may see them, but it doesn't mean I am looking intently because I find them… uh... stimulating."

Bella shrugged and took another spoonful, sighing contently that the soup made her insides warm.

"So you wouldn't even look at mine?" she asked. "My boobs wouldn't… stimulate you?" she asked and turned to pout at me.

Her teasing embarrassed me even further. It was one thing to kiss and hug and another to talk about something as intimate as looking at Bella's breasts.

She wasn't offering, was she?

Because her entire physique would probably stimulate me. I mean, being close to her had stimulated me before and while I hadn't done anything to provoke that, it had seemed to come naturally.

I pondered this when I felt Bella's hand on my arm. "Breathe, Edward," she said. "I am only teasing you."

"Besides, I've seen you check out my girls before." she winked before going back to eat her soup.

"Well, again, the nurse had an interesting appearance and demeanor," I mumbled, trying not to look at her chest now, even though there was little to see with Bella basically drowning in my t-shirt.

"I vaguely remember you called me your girlfriend when the nurse with the huge rack was trying to get your attention with her... huge rack."

"I did."

"Is that what I am now? Your girlfriend? Or was it a defense mechanism to get the boobs out of your face?"

I knew that after what had happened with Bella getting sick and taking care of her like I had, calling her my girlfriend at the hospital was not a defense mechanism of any sorts. It came natural but I had no idea if she wanted to be. I mean, I wanted her to be. But maybe I'd stepped out of line to call Bella that without her being conscious enough to agree.

"I… uh… I called you that because it was easier that way," I said, giving her the neutral answer.

Bella nodded. "I guess. It would've been more difficult to explain it any other way. Plus, it did help back off Busty."

"Busty?"

"I nicknamed her." Bella shrugged.

I laughed at that. Bella gave everyone she didn't really like a nickname, often a crude one.

"Well, I didn't call you my girlfriend to send her a message."

"No?"

I took the bowl from Bella's lap and put it on the table before pulling her close.

Bella eagerly molded herself into my embrace, sighing contently. Ever since we'd kissed it had gotten so much easier to be close to her, to know what to do without questioning it. And she didn't freak out anymore, which made it easier to share these moments without having to guess if a sudden move or act of closeness would bother her.

"No," I whispered, as I pulled back to look at her.

"I want to call you that; my girlfriend."

Bella's eyes went wide in surprise but only a little.

"I know that it might seem like we're moving much faster than we agreed upon beforehand but…"

"We were going to see where things would take us; force nothing," Bella said.

I nodded. "Yes, and if defining this… connection between us in a certain way makes you feel uncomfortable, we shouldn't do it."

Bella shook her head. "I liked it when you called me that. Well, I think I did, because I don't remember it completely."

I smiled. "I liked calling you that as well.

"Girlfriend," I murmured.

"Boyfriend," Bella whispered.

I leaned in to touch my lips to hers but Bella pulled away before I could.

"What's wrong?" I wondered, trying to keep the feeling of rejection at bay. We had just declared ourselves; wasn't kissing appropriate?

"I'm still sick," Bella pointed out. "I don't want to give you my germs and get you sick as well."

"Hmm," I pretend to ponder before taking Bella by surprise and capturing her lips with mine.

She hesitated for a second before she tentatively kissed me back.

Feeling her soft lips moving against mine never failed to amaze me. How had I managed to go without this for so long?

Kissing Bella was like a rainstorm in a scorching desert. Like a warm blanket covering you in a bitingly cold winter. The electric pull between us captivated me and made me take hold of her sides to press her closer against my chest.

The answer was simple; I'd gone without feeling like this because there had never been someone like Bella.

I had no doubt any other girl would not be able to make me feel this way; no one else would have me question a once solid future and trade it in for the insecurities of falling in love.

But Bella had.

Of course the other side of the coin was the fact that while she had turned my life upside down in great ways, she also held plenty of secrets that could only cause trouble if they stood between us.

"Edward," Bella murmured against my lips. "I… can't…"

"Can't what?" I asked, pulling away abruptly.

"Breathe," Bella sighed deeply. "Your kisses leave me breathless and since my nose closed up again... well no need to be graphic but I'm sure you get the point."

I smiled widely. "Breathless, hmm… I kind of like that."

Bella rolled her eyes but remained playful. "Look at you, all proud of your kissing skills."

"Is that weird?" I asked, slightly taken aback by my own brazenness.

"No," Bella shook her head, as she cupped my cheek. "I like it. And you should be proud because you're very good at it."

She emphasized that by pressing her lips to mine again, but only briefly.

Pulling away with a smile, she said. "But if you get sick, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Are you saying you wouldn't take care of me, if I caught a few of your germs?"

"Well, considering the fact I'd be immune by then, it would sort of make sense. I mean, your mother's soup is delicious, but it would be ridiculous to have her come over with more soup and risk her getting sick as well. So yes, I'd take care of you; make you soup and give you naughty sponge baths."

Naughty sponge baths. I pictured a half naked Bella – though no specific body parts unnecessarily exposed - in a white nurse uniform that was too short and too tight and that earned me a light slap on the chest.

"You went there!" Bella grinned, "You pictured me as a naughty nurse, didn't you!"

"I... uh... yes."

My face had to be beet red because I felt my cheeks burning which only caused Bella to grin wider.

"You are so cute," she smiled. "I should call Busty and ask for a uniform."

Relieved she was joking, I rolled my eyes.

"If I got sick, you wouldn't have to wear any type of costumes."

"Fine," Bella shrugged. "It would be my duty anyway, whether I was immune or not."

"Why?"

"Because it's what girlfriends do." she smiled before launching herself into my arms again.

* * *

On Wednesday Bella demanded I go back to my normal routine instead of hovering over her like I'd done since she'd gotten sick.

"I feel much better," she had said. "So there's no need to hang around me all day."

"But what if your temperature starts spiking again, or your ear acts up?" I had protested.

While I hadn't gone to school for two days and was getting kind of anxious being cooped up in my apartment all day, I really didn't want to leave Bella.

But she was relentless. Once again she had told me she'd be fine before wrapping her arms around me in a hug.

Then, when I had protested some more, she had threatened to go back to her apartment to recover further and for some reason that had bothered me.

I sort of liked having her around. I liked that constant pull between us, even if it distracted me a little. It was nice to feel that way about someone, to crave their presence and wanting them close.

Finally I had relented and with a kiss and homemade lunch – thanks to my mother stocking up and Bella making a great tuna sandwich - I'd been sent on my way.

I followed my regular classes of the day, met up with a study group for some project we had to finish by February – we had to put together an open day for potential new students - and sat at the university cafeteria with Seth to have lunch.

He was envious of my tuna sandwich and with good reason because it tasted amazing. I texted Bella to thank her, to which she sent me back a smiley face and the assurance she was doing okay and had rested in between cleaning my apartment a little. I wanted to call her to tell her not to do that but I knew Bella well enough by now to know she'd be too stubborn to listen to me anyway. And I understood that she might want to do something after having been stuck in bed for so long.

Seth talked about the girl he'd been dating for a while and I had to bite my tongue not to tell him I was dating someone as well. I wanted to, which was kind of odd considering I had always taken pride in the fact I served God instead of getting myself distracted by boasting about the trivialities of romance and hormones.

Of course, it wasn't so trivial any more.

It was all very real.

I was leaving something big behind; something I'd wanted for so long. I knew I didn't necessarily have to – I could be with Bella now and still have the option to become a priest later but that would mean somewhere along the line I'd have to end things with Bella because ordination required celibacy and I could never be married. That alone would make it unfair to have Bella stick around now and get caste off later because I'd chosen to become a priest after all.

But that wasn't the most important reason for me to choose. I couldn't have it both ways and I didn't want to.

Kissing Bella and declaring her my girlfriend had basically shut the door to becoming a priest for me. The moment our lips had touched and I'd allowed myself to feel the enormity of those feelings, I had made my choice.

I'd be lying if I said I was a hundred percent at peace with it. It wasn't that losing that particular future upset me; it was more the unknown that I was facing by making this choice.

And that was okay, it was normal. But it was also scary. Still, it didn't mean I regretted anything that had happened since I'd met Bella and I certainly didn't regret choosing her.

After school, I was in a rush to get back to her when a surprising phone call disturbed my plan.

It was Father Masen. Apparently he was back in the city again, after spending a lot of time down in New Orleans as of late, and he asked me if I could meet him for coffee.

I wanted to decline because I had a feeling he wanted to meet up to lecture me – again - but I also realized that I owed him some respect and he deserved to know about Bella and me.

I had no idea how he would respond and while I felt I didn't owe him any explanations – a person was free to change their mind about something, right? – I did worry about his reaction. He had always been a close friend of the family and he'd been my mentor for so long. I wanted him to approve, even if a non-approval wouldn't stop me.

We met at a small coffee place near the church and Father Masen was actually dressed in casual attire, namely jeans and a sweater. His white collar was still visible – he never took it off - but for some reason I felt almost comfortable talking to him in this setting.

"Edward," he greeted me jovially. "How have you been?"

I shook his hand and took a seat, while Father Masen waved over a waitress to take our order.

"I've been well," I told him. "Busy times with Christmas break not too far away."

He looked at me – well scanning me was more like it - and nodded.

"You look well indeed."

We both ordered coffee and Father Masen ordered a chocolate croissant on the side. I politely declined any food because my stomach felt like it was in knots.

We talked about meaningless topics like the weather and Mrs. Cope's everlasting cleaning habits where she misplaced Father Masen's things, until our order was brought. The waitress was my age and flashed me a big smile as she placed the coffee in front of me.

_Was she flirting?_ I wondered. I'd never paid a lot of attention to that before but since Bella kept pointing it out whenever it happened, I was starting to notice it.

Not that it made me feel any different or that it mattered; I only cared for what Bella thought of me.

Thinking of how she'd roll her eyes at the waitress if she was here right now put a smile on my face.

"Something funny?" Father Masen wondered. "That smile on your face surely means something. You look very happy."

I shook my head. "I was just thinking. Anyway, how have you been? I heard you had to go to New Orleans again. Did you spend Thanksgiving there?"

Father Masen nodded. "Unfortunately, yes. It's a very hectic situation over there and it's taking up all my time lately."

I'd been given these cryptic answers for a while now by either Father Masen or my father. While I respected the delicate nature of whatever was going on in New Orleans and the obvious discretion with which Father Masen acted and spoke, I was starting to hate the vagueness in his explanations.

"It must be serious. My father said something about how this could look bad for the church if it came out."

Father Masen rubbed his face and took a sip of coffee. He sighed deeply after that and his shoulders slumped like he was keeping a huge secret.

He probably was.

"We have a so called 'loose cannon'- someone who's not abiding by the laws of the Catholic Church. Even more so, someone who's completely out of control."

"A cleric?"

"Yes."

"Will this person be excommunicated?" I wondered.

Father Masen took another deep breath. This was evidently weighing pretty heavy on him.

"St. Patrick prefers to apply the censure of suspension."

"Wow."

The censure of suspension was one of the biggest punishments for a cleric, because it would prohibit him from exercising the power of orders, his power of governance and the rights and functions attached to the office he held.

That kind of penance was only given when someone had really done something inexcusable to the church.

"Yes, unfortunately Rome doesn't agree."

"Rome?"

"The Vatican is reluctant to support the discussion. They'd prefer it if a more appropriate punishment was chosen."

"Like?"

"They feel a reprimand; a verbal slap on the hand so to speak would suffice. But they're willing to concede to excommunication."

I sat there, mouth agape. I knew excommunication was a relatively light punishment, intended to invite the person to change behavior or attitude, to repent and return to full communion after absolution was given by a priest or bishop empowered to do so.

Suspension would be a more severe punishment, which meant that whatever this cleric had done was pretty bad; otherwise his church wouldn't demand it.

It surprised me the Vatican was involved – that meant it was a very serious matter, and that they had strongly advised against a strong penance and had shown favor to the possibility of letting this cleric return to full communion.

"What will St. Patrick do?"

"They don't want to go against the recommendation the Vatican made," Father Masen explained. "But at the same time they feel like excommunication is a light penance. Too light."

I believed in forgiveness and repentance but I felt there was a lot more to this story than Father Masen felt comfortable to share and based on that I couldn't pass any judgment on an appropriate punishment either way. Plus, it wasn't my place to do so.

"Is he still in New Orleans?"

"No, he went to Rome."

Hiding in the heart of the Roman Catholic Church. No wonder his penance was cause for such heavy discussion.

"That must complicate things."

Father Masen nodded and finished his coffee. He instantly gestured to the waitress to bring him another one.

"Enough about this; I'm sure it'll get sorted. My main focus is to make sure it doesn't become a public matter. St. Patrick is one of the oldest and most respected churches in New Orleans. They don't need any negative attention," he said.

The waitress brought over more coffee and asked me if she could get me anything else. There was that toothy, over the top grin again, one that screamed for me to notice her. But my mind was reeling with what Father Masen had told me and so I shook my head no and ignored her stare.

I never quite understood why people would allow themselves to be led astray from their faith in ways that made it necessary to ban them from the church all together. It was one thing to consciously choose a different path without disrespecting your religion and another to break the actual rules of the church.

"Tell me about you," Father Masen said, getting my attention. "What have you been up to?"

Me? Oh… I decided to turn my life around and get myself a girlfriend; you've met her: the ex prostitute.

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I was a grown man. I had a right to explore my options and not set my entire future in stone and sign it off with my blood.

Okay, that was a bit too dramatic and graphic but I felt like I had to convince my father and Father Masen of the choices I made. It never had been an issue before because I'd always walked a line that led me straight to the confessional and the pulpit, but now that I was changing course, they were starting to protest and it bothered me that I had to defend myself because of it.

Like I was doing something wrong.

"I've been busy with school and such," I answered vaguely.

"Your father told me you missed mass on Sunday. And Father Banner mentioned you only confessed to him once during my absence."

There was no accusation in his voice but there was a burning curiosity there. I had never gone without confessing for long. The last time I hadn't gone to confession for more than a week was when I was sixteen and had a nasty flu that floored me for two weeks. But then, the moment I'd gotten the go ahead from our family physician, I'd practically run straight to the confessional booth.

"I don't feel comfortable going to confession with Father Banner. He lectures instead of listening. It bothers me."

I spoke the truth. But I knew that wasn't an excuse to stay away. In all honesty, my entire religious routine had changed now that my focus lay elsewhere. There was no excuse for it but I wasn't actively feeling bad about it either.

"Well, I am back now, so I suggest you come by soon. And I assume you'll be at mass _this_ Sunday?"

His words were quite demanding.

"I had a valid reason to be absent; I had to stay with Bella. She had a high fever and an ear infection."

"Your mother mentioned that. How is she feeling?"

"She's doing better, thankfully."

Father Masen smiled. "That's good to hear."

I nodded.

Silence crept up between us and the man who had been my guide, my spiritual mentor for years, looked at me intently.

I felt uncomfortable being scrutinized like this.

"What?" I asked a little too harshly. "If you have something to say, please say it."

"Can't I be relieved to hear your_ friend_ feels better?" He shrugged. "Ear infections are very serious and highly painful. I had them as a child… it was awful."

The emphasis on the word "friend" had not escaped me.

"Would you be just as concerned about her wellbeing if you knew she was my girlfriend?"

I honestly didn't know what I expected to happen. Perhaps shock in his eyes or a verbal outburst of sorts to my words.

But nothing happened. Father Masen simply quirked an eyebrow and flashed me a calm – or was that condescending- smile.

"I don't see how a romantic label should affect my concerns for Isabella's wellbeing. I don't know her well but I would never wish anyone a weakened health."

"My father spoke to you, didn't he?" I said and I realized how accusing my tone was but I didn't care. "He told you about what happened at Thanksgiving."

"Your father and I talk about many things but we don't share particular details of your life. But, as we are old friends, he has shared his concerns about your recent choices."

"That's basically the same thing," I spat. "He thinks I'm making a mistake by pursuing a relationship with Bella and I'm sure you feel the same."

Father Masen didn't answer me right away and I knew I was right. My irritation was growing.

"Is that what you're doing?" he finally asked. "Pursuing a relationship with her?"

"I called her my girlfriend, didn't I?"

"I suppose you did."

"Look, if you have some sort of wisdom to bestow upon me, by all means, say it. But respect me enough to try and support me, instead of pointing out faults and trying to change my mind."

"Respect goes both ways, Edward. You ask for respect but as of late you have me wondering where your respect is. You used to have a routine; mass on Sundays, your Bible study discussion group on Tuesdays, confession twice a week, volunteering when needed, etcetera. Now you skip confessions, forget about discussion group and forego coming to Sunday mass."

"I told you; I have my reasons."

"No, you have your excuses. Edward, if you want anyone to respect your choices, you need to present them with conviction instead of hiding behind some sort of confusion."

I frowned, not sure what Father Masen was getting at.

"I don't understand what you mean," I admitted.

"For years you have lived by the principle of becoming a priest. That was your goal and all your thoughts and actions went toward that goal. Therefore people respected and supported that choice, because they saw how serious you were about it."

"And you don't believe I am serious about Bella?"

Father Masen looked at me. "I think you believe you're serious. I also think that you are acting out after being confined to your principles for so long."

"You think I'm acting out? What am I; a teenager?"

"Like I said, I believe you are confused, which is quite normal. Choosing to serve Him is not a lighthearted matter. It takes a lot of strength to be that devoted. It's understandable to find yourself questioning the choice and what you're giving up. It makes perfect sense to have doubts about whether or not you are strong enough to dedicate your entire life to Him and his word."

I sat there, stunned. Father Masen and my own father both believed I was confused about my choice. That I might doubt my own strength in being devoted to God and was being rebellious because of that. If it wasn't so sad I would have laughed at the assumption.

Yes, I was confused. But that didn't mean I was acting out or something. My life was changing and there were things I'd never done before and these new experiences confused me as much as they excited me.

It was an insult to my feelings for Bella and the choice to pursue those feelings to dismiss them as an act of defiance.

"You're wrong," I simply said. "I am not trying to be rebellious because I fear the burden of committing myself to my faith or God. My faith hasn't changed and I am still devoted…

…but I can be devoted in different ways. Plenty of people serve Him and don't live celibate."

"Is that it? You want to experience a sexual relationship before becoming celibate?"

I wanted to tell Father Masen no and that he was out of line but he held up a hand because he wasn't finished speaking.

"There is no rule that you need to be pure before you are ordained. Yes, it is preferable but not a necessity. If you truly wish to engage in such activities with a woman, then you could and still become a priest after. Of course you'd have to be celibate then…"

"That's not..." I started but Father Masen had more to say.

"If this is what you want, if you want to experiment before you devote your life to your faith and become a priest, I suppose it makes sense that you'd project some kind of feeling onto someone so promiscuous and familiar with the act of sexual intercourse," he finished bitterly.

I was taken aback by the bitterness in his voice but it also sparked anger in me because his analysis wasn't just wrong, it was also highly demeaning to both Bella and me.

"You think I want to have sex with Bella, who happens to be an ex prostitute, to get it out of my system?" I said icily. "To see what sex is all about and then go back to that white collar in the end?"

"If that's what you wish, I grant you permission. As long as you continue to talk to me and share your confusion, I can help you and guide you through this so you'll make the right decision in the end."

I was bewildered. Father Masen has always been open and fair with me but right now he acted like a patronizing… jerk. And his attitude clarified some things for me.

I wanted to be faithful to my religion. I believed in Him and his word. I believed in the solace He offered his followers. But I also knew that believing in Him alone wasn't what defined me to be a good and compassionate human being. Bella was just as good and probably more selfless and compassionate than me and she wasn't religious at all.

I could be good; I could believe and I could serve him without necessarily becoming a priest.

Choosing Bella wasn't wrong or a sin or acting out. It may very well be my salvation.

"I don't need your permission. And I am not confused. If anything, you just cleared up a lot of things. If you want to big talk or bully me into becoming a priest, I can tell you: don't bother to try. You'd be wasting your time on a 'defiant' like me. As for making the right decision, I think the only right decision now is to end this conversation," I said, before throwing a twenty dollar bill on the table and walking out.

* * *

I came home and expected Bella to be resting but instead I found her on my sofa, chatting to my mother.

She was wearing a pair of jeans and one of her own t-shirts but it pleased me to see her wrapped in my hoodie as well.

Another thing that would smell like her.

"Edward, dear!" my mother greeted me happily.

She rose and came up to hug me.

"Hi Mom, what brings you here?"

"I made a ziti casserole yesterday and despite Emmett and your father taking two servings, there were plenty of leftovers, so I decided to bring you some."

"That's very sweet but you already made sure we wouldn't starve by filling my refrigerator with food to last us a week."

If the use of "we" and "us" bothered my mother, she didn't lead on. In fact, it almost looked like her smile got marginally wider but that was probably my imagination.

"I want to take care of you, is that so bad?" she asked and I didn't know if "you" meant just me or Bella as well.

"No, it's fine."

"Bella and I were just talking about that hospital fundraiser in two weeks."

"The charity ball?"

"That's the one." My mother nodded. "I was trying to convince Bella to go shopping for nice dresses, but she seems reluctant."

I was a little surprised how casually my mother included Bella in this annual event, like it was completely normal she'd come as my date.

But it wasn't that normal; it'd be the first time I'd bring an actual date.

"I hate shopping," Bella offered with a shrug. "It's never been my thing."

"But you'll need a dress, dear. Edward, I am sure you can be more persuasive than I am," my mother said, before she looked back at Bella and winked. "Edward looks dashing in a tuxedo."

Bella's cheeks spilled with red at that.

"We'll talk about it," I offered.

"Well, now that you're here Bella no longer needs my company so I better get going," my mother smiled and she turned back to give Bella a hug and tell her to "Get well soon."

She then proceeded to hug me and bade us both goodbye.

Bella rose from the sofa and walked my mother to the door, while I waved and put my bag away.

"You don't have to go," I said as soon as she closed the door. "To that ball, I mean."

"It seems to mean a lot to your mother. Plus, it's for a good cause, right?"

"It is. So… you'll be my date?"

Bella nodded, smiling a little. "I'll be your date, as long as you make sure we'll have an actual date with just the two of us before then. You still owe me one."

"Deal." I smiled.

"It's close to six, are you hungry? I could heat up some of that ziti for you," Bella then offered.

I wasn't. I felt oddly full after my conversation with Father Masen.

Bella must have noticed something was off because she walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck without warning or any awkwardness.

"Are you okay? You seem distracted," she observed softly.

Reveling in her warmth and her floral smell I buried my face in the crook of her neck. This is what boy- and girlfriends did, right? They comforted each other.

It was definitely a lot better than having to listen to whatever unsolicited advice Father Masen had tried to give me.

"I had a tough afternoon," I admitted.

Bella pulled away and pointed to the sofa. "Sit. I'll get you some ziti. It's really good."

Five minutes later I was eating my mother's ziti with an expectant Bella sitting next to me.

"So?"

"How do you feel? You look better."

Bella rolled her eyes – a clear indication she was feeling better. "I feel fine. I mean, I barely have a fever and my ear feels better. I should probably move back to my place tomorrow. Give you back your bed."

She flashed me a small smile that didn't stay long and made room for a certain sadness.

I had to admit, it would be nice to sleep in a bed again – my sofa was fine for a few nights but obviously not extremely comfortable - but I had also grown used to Bella being around and I liked that. Maybe her presumed sadness meant she might feel the same.

"You don't have to go."

Bella smiled again. "I do. I need to get back to my own routine. No worries, I can still stalk you without being sick and stuff. Now, enough about me. What happened this afternoon?"

I took another bite and chewing gave me a way to stall.

I wanted to be honest with Bella and tell her about Father Masen but his words hadn't been very encouraging and I didn't want Bella to feel deterred by his attitude. For me it had been enlightening in a positive way and I wanted her to feel the same.

"I met up with Father Masen," I said.

"Hmm, I see. That must have been fun," she muttered sarcastically. "What happened? Did he warn you to stay away from big bad Bella?"

"He said that being with you was a way for me to act out before fully devoting myself to God through ordination."

I decided against telling Bella how Father Masen believed I wanted to have sex with her to experience what it was like and that she was the "perfect candidate" due to her past because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

That, or anger her.

"Hmm."

I watched her as she processed what I said.

I could see the wheels turning and because I was getting better at recognizing the variety of facial expressions and reactions Bella had, her current expression told me Father Masen's words were sinking in and finding a place to take root.

"Bella, don't…" I started.

"Don't what?"

"Don't let his words get to you. He's wrong. This isn't me being defiant," I said as I took her hand. "This is real."

"If we don't work out, then what?"

I knew that there were no guarantees and that we might not be together forever because no one could look into the future, but for now I felt pretty confident about us.

"If that were to happen, I could still become a priest, should I want to. But Bella, that has nothing to do with you and me. I think we should focus on the here and now. I'm your boyfriend and you're my girlfriend. We have plenty to figure out but I am serious about us, aren't you?" I asked her before I leaned in to press my lips to hers.

Bella seemed to agree because she moved her lips more firmly, nipping and pecking until she moved away to breathe.

"Damn stuffed nose," she muttered.

I chuckled as I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

After dinner Bella asked if she could take a shower, embarrassing me a little by teasing me to come along and wash her back because she had her own version of me playing naughty male nurse. I hastily declined while willing my burning cheeks to go away before I fired up my laptop to work on my dissertation a bit.

I opened the document and instantly noticed those three words on the last page.

_Isabella Marie Volturi_

The document must have auto-saved them.

I'd almost forgotten about that, or rather recent events had pushed the words and what they represented to the background.

But reading them now brought back the need for answers in full force.

"Hey Edward," Bella called from behind me.

I quickly deleted the three words and turned to look at her.

She was wearing my sweats and her own t-shirt. Her hair was dripping wet and I sort of envied the few beads of water that slowly dripped down her neck and into the collar of the shirt and down her… cleavage.

I felt my lower regions tighten and sighed deeply. Now was not the time to feel sexual stimulation. I wouldn't even know what to do with myself anyway.

I'd had some sort of release once a while ago and since then, any provocative thoughts of Bella that'd had a physical effect on me had been washed away with very cold showers.

I had not dared to touch myself again, let alone naked. That was still a step too far but one I knew I'd eventually take.

"Edward?"

"Sorry, what?"

"I want you to know I am serious about us too."

I smiled. "I know you are."

"Yes well, if we want this to work, we need honesty, right?"

I nodded.

"I want to tell you about..."

"About?"

"Isabella Marie Volturi."

* * *

**A/N: This chapter isn't meant to be a tease after the last one. Edward has things to deal with as well and the story of Isabella Marie Volturi (or whatever Bella will share) needs to come from her, in her POV. So I promise Bella will start talking next chapter :)**

**St. Patrick is a Catholic church in New Orleans. **

**I want to be clear about the religious/church aspect in this story. Someone's religion or belief is a choice or even a way of life. I respect that. I have no personal beef with any kind of religion. I have my opinions like anyone but the religious aspects, mentions and plots in this story are not a reflection of that.**

**As always: thanks for reading, reccing, reviewing. I appreciate it all!**

**And feel free to drop me a few words, it's very encouraging even if I don't like begging or threatening to withhold chapters (which I'd never do, don't see the point; only alienates readers, IMO)**

**Have a good week. Almost Friday!**


	36. Isabella Marie

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I ****own ****No-Longer-Quite-So-Determined-To-Be-****Priestward (Copyright for the name goes to one of my faithful readers and tweetbuddy Wythanie) and PottymouthBella. (She does need a new #monicker too *hint*… ;)**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 34: ISABELLA MARIE**

When I was five years old my dad came home one day with a white carton box. Even as a small kid I'd recognized that box immediately. It belonged to the diner my dad went for lunch most days.

Actually, I think he often ate dinner there as well because as the town sheriff he had to work late most nights. Although that probably was an excuse because Forks was too small to have an actual crime rate and my dad didn't use work as an excuse to go around fucking other women.

I think he was just avoiding having to be come home because my mom was usually acting like such a bitch to him. And he probably didn't get to fuck her either.

You'd think that I, as his cute as a button daughter, would be a good enough a reason to be home more often. I mean, every kid's got cuteness right? You can't hate or judge a kid for not being cute, so every kid automatically ranks on the Cuteness Meter until they hit puberty and kill their ranking by giving too much lip.

But to my dad I was just a mouth to feed. He didn't hate me, he "nothinged" me, which was worse. At least hate would have been a genuine emotion. A sense of fucked up worthiness.

Anyway, back to the box. Sitting at the kitchen table, I'd been doodling in one of my coloring books when all of a sudden my father had walked in with that box in his hand and a grin on his face. That certainly hadn't happened often. The smiling I meant.

Again, it was late afternoon and he never came home during the day; I usually wouldn't hear him get in until I was in bed and that too because my mom's favorite greeting wasn't a kiss on the cheek or whatever but the accusatory "You're late" followed by "I'm going to bed."

They had such a loving marriage.

But that day had been different. Not only had he come home at a reasonable hour, he'd also been… nice to me. Acting like a dad even.

"Hey Bells," he had greeted me, ruffling my hair as he placed the box on the table.

"Hi Daddy," I had greeted him with a smile. Back then I'd still looked up to my dad. Fuck, I'd been an innocent kid and daddies were supposed to be heroes in their kids' eyes, right?

I knew better now.

"What's in the box?" I'd asked, curious as I was as a five year old.

My dad had kneeled next to the chair, leaning in close so his mustache had tickled my ear. He'd made it seem to me that we were going to share a secret. And what kid doesn't like secrets...

"Today is a special day, Bells," he'd said, his face serious but there'd been a strange twinkle in his eyes. "Today you turn six. You're getting big, kiddo."

I remembered how he had held up his giant hands. One with all his fingers spread wide and the other with his thumb up. I'd counted his fingers and giggled.

I was six. It was my birthday. And I hadn't even known. That had to be all kinds of fucked up.

I mean, parents were supposed to make a fucking big deal out of their kids' birthdays, right? Cake and presents and all that.

Mine never did. Well except for that one time. And I'd been too innocent to know what the appropriate etiquette was for anticipating and celebrating birthdays so I'd taken whatever my dad said as gospel. How was I supposed to know better, when they'd never made much of an effort before.

"I turn six?" I'd asked. "It's my…"

"…your birthday."

"Wow. So what's in the box?"

My father had laughed at my curiosity. "Your favorite pie; berry cobbler."

Whenever we ate at the diner as a family or just my dad and I, he'd always gotten me berry cobbler for dessert. I'd tried apple and chocolate but berry had become my favorite.

Looking back now, it still shocked me he'd remembered that.

"Is it for me?" I'd asked, clapping my hands together eagerly.

My father had nodded with a small smile on his face. "Sure is."

"Can I see?"

He had shown me and at the time, looking at the perfect brown crust and the filling of beautiful, ripe, red berries… and that sweet smell; I'd been so happy.

"Can I have a piece?"

"After dinner," my father had grinned. "You'll get a big piece," he'd gestured by widening his hands before putting the box away in the fridge.

Okay, so maybe my dad hadn't always been an asshole. He was certainly not as bad as my mom who had never let a chance go by to remind me how much she hated me for being born.

And that day, my fucking sixth birthday, one I hadn't even known about until my dad had told me and shown me the cobbler, she had been no different.

She hadn't bothered to be a real mom and celebrate her daughter's birthday. She hadn't mentioned the "joyious" occasion to my teachers at kindergarten either, so there had been no standing on a chair with a colorful paper hat while the kids in class sung Happy Birthday for me.

No gifts, no hugs. Fucking nothing because she couldn't be bothered that day. Or any day.

After my father had done the "pie in the box" thing to score what little "dad-points" I could credit him now, he'd noticed I'd been in the kitchen alone. Calling out to my mom had soon proved to be fruitless because she hadn't been home.

How sad that a five – correction six - year old kid knew how to get inside the house and occupy herself without getting into trouble.

"Where's your mom?"

I'd shrugged. I was freaking six; how the fuck would I have known? I wasn't her keeper and if their union hadn't been so fucked up, he might have known for himself where she'd been.

"Pam took me home."

Pam was our neighbor – well technically she'd lived across the street, with two kids at Forks Elementary school. Because the kindergarten was in the same building, she'd volunteer to take me home whenever my mom couldn't.

Which wasn't as often as you might think. My mom had always liked to put up some kind of a front, pretend to be a decent mom for the sake of appearance or whatever. Not that she tried too hard by hugging or kissing me or any of that stuff – god forbid she'd have to show affection, but she'd managed to take me and pick me up from school most of the time. Although the older I became, the less she had made the effort.

"And your mom wasn't here?"

I'd shaken my head.

Now, you'd think I remembered that day because despite the lack of celebration it had still been my birthday. Or because that one day my dad had almost been a good dad by bringing home berry cobbler because he'd tried to make my birthday a little more special.

But no. That's not why I remembered the day so vividly.

I remembered that day as the day I'd been granted a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe my dad would finally start acting like a loving parent should, only to have it yanked away from me again, leaving me with another disillusion. My dad drank too much that night – he didn't do that often; at least not at home - and forgot to make me dinner. And then later on my mom had come home only to get pissed at my dad for drinking too much and screaming how much she hated her fucking life and the people in it.

Meaning him.

Meaning me.

I remembered that day because I'd been a little girl who just wanted some berry cobbler but never got to have any because my mom felt there was nothing to celebrate and had thrown the "damn thing" out.

My dad hadn't stopped her.

And I never ate berry cobbler again.

* * *

When your parents treat you like shit and leave you susceptible to horrible things, you either want to say "fuck them" and do better or you do as I did and start fucking others.

It was by no means an excuse, I mean, I was sure I could have done something different instead of coming up with the brilliant idea to go and sell my body on the streets to make ends meet.

But I didn't. I consciously chose to go to Seattle and instead of working at a freaking MacDonald's for some minimal wage or whatever, I gave blowjobs for a twenty dollar bill.

Thank fuck Edward saved me. I didn't know how or what I did but maybe the big guy up there in the sky or perhaps freaking karma didn't hate or turn on me completely because meeting Edward had been a game changer; a life saver.

A blessing.

_Edward_… he looked so peaceful when he slept, although it couldn't be comfortable to sleep on that sofa for days in a row.

I sighed. I had to get my ass back to my apartment soon, so Edward could have his bed back. Tomorrow was Wednesday; I'd been here since Sunday and I was feeling better so it was definitely time to get back to my normal routine.

I didn't remember too much of what had gone down in the last few days, I was just happy I felt human again. But feeling better also meant I had to give Edward his own life and normal routine back. The guy had been stuck in here taking care of me for days and I was sure he had other things to do.

Like go to school or do some church thing.

He definitely hadn't done that in a while. Or maybe he didn't tell me if and when he did. Then again, he'd never been hugely forthcoming about any of that stuff before, probably because he knew it made me feel uncomfortable.

He just didn't realize _how _uncomfortable.

I stared at the Tylenol in my hand, put it in my mouth and washed it down with some water. At night the pain in my ear intensified but it was nowhere near as bad as a few days ago. Still, I needed some pain relief to be able to get some more sleep.

I looked at Edward again and repressed the yearning to reach out and touch him to brush that bronze lock of hair on his forehead away.

He really was gorgeous. And so sweet; genuine.

Innocent.

And mostly – _shockingly_ – mine.

My boyfriend.

I hadn't been lying earlier when I told him I didn't remember much about the last three days or so but some things were less fuzzy than I'd led on.

See, what I did sort of remember but hadn't dared to bring up just yet because I was a fucking coward, was that apparently I'd agreed to talk to him about my past.

All thanks to the debacle with Busty Nurse and her spilling the beans on someone's _private_ medical file with an utter lack of professionalism.

Still, pain in the ass and hazardous to people's health as she might be, it was not her fault that my past was so fucked up that it required multiple identities.

I knew I had to tell Edward about Isabella Marie Volturi – amongst other things - I just didn't know how.

I mean, where do you start when your life is like a Lifetime Movie minus the PG rating and the happy reunion in the end?

Where do you begin when your past is so many shades of fucked up?

Edward stirred a little before he went back to breathing deeply.

I reached out and fixed that stray lock of hair on his forehead. It was soft and his breath tickled my fingers.

I sighed.

I could only hope that by tomorrow, he would still be mine.

* * *

I was bored. And feeling bored gave me too much time to think.

Edward was still at school and wouldn't be home for a while and I was getting tired of napping – pun intended.

My body was still a bit weak because it had taken a beating with the ear infection and the fever but I did feel alright overall. It wasn't like I was ready to run a marathon but my energy level was increasing and I needed an outlet.

I contemplated calling Maggie to let her know I'd be back to work the next day but then I figured I probably should give myself a few days extra to recover and go back on Monday instead.

I hoped Edward was right and that Maggie was really cool about the whole being sick thing because financially I couldn't afford to lose this job, plus during the one week I'd been at the bakery I had actually really loved it, so it was more than money keeping me there.

Hoping to kill some time and distract myself from letting my mind wander too much, I cleaned the place up a bit; I changed the sheets on Edward's bed because those germ infested linens needed to be washed, I also straightened up the living room and even vacuumed.

Around lunchtime I made myself some tea and cut up some fruit to add to a bowl of yoghurt. It wasn't weird to walk around Edward's apartment like I lived here, quite the opposite actually. I'd only been here for a few days but it felt safe and familiar.

Homely.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely believed I was overstaying my welcome a little by forcing Edward to sleep on the sofa every night - because he was a gentleman - but then the alternative of sleeping in his bed together was probably too much too soon and could end up being a lot less gentleman-ish.

Bottom-line; I liked staying here and there was a small pang of sadness when I thought of having to go back to my own dump.

I missed Angela though and it would be nice to catch up with her. Plus, life went on and I could still see Edward aplenty.

As I was eating, my phone buzzed; it was a text message from Edward, thanking me for the sandwich I had made him.

It was pretty domestic; me packing lunch for Edward. But fuck, dealing with food was something I was good at and the only concrete thing I had to offer him. Plus, it made me happy knowing Edward was happy, as sappy as that may be.

After lunch I crashed. I was suddenly exhausted and longed for a nap.

But of course now that I wanted to sleep I was too consumed with thoughts to shut off my brain.

I thought of Edward and how I had to talk to him, tell him about…

Isabella Marie… _Volturi. _And then some.

It was going to be one of the hardest things I'd ever do but I had to try and confide in Edward, even if that terrified me.

It was harder now because there was more to lose.

Before it was just me trying to fight against having to relive those memories. Battling nightmares and trying to keep panic at bay whenever something reminded me of my sordid past. I didn't want to talk about what had happened to me because it hurt to even think about it much less actually tell someone the detailed stories.

But now, I didn't just risk my own sanity but also - and most of all – I risked losing Edward and for some reason that was worse than anything else.

I could handle the pain, or crumbling underneath the weight of memories. Over the years I'd managed to battle the feeling of despair whenever it'd tried to bring me down. I could do that again.

I'd started doing that as a little girl. I loved staring at the clouds because they looked soft and friendly. They changed shape and with a little imagination you could make them into anything. For a small kid that was quite empowering.

Shaping the clouds has been my favorite pastime when I was little. I had often hid in our backyard, which had a path leading straight into the woods. If I hid in the bushes, my mom wouldn't see me and bitch me out for getting my clothes dirty or whatever, but there was still enough overview to see the clouds.

I could see the clouds from my bedroom window as well but the view wasn't as good.

When things got really bad between my parents and if the yelling got to be too much, I'd get lost in looking at the clouds and daydreaming about a life I'd never have.

My wish had been quite simple. I just wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone to tell me I was worthy.

Edward had showed me I was worthy. He cared about me.

My parents never did and the older I got the more evident it became that my parents – my mother especially – hated the fact I was around.

Now as a six year old I'd been innocent and tried hard to be sweet. Or maybe sweet had simply equaled trying to be invisible because that would give my mom less incentive to get mad at me.

But by the time I was twelve, I'd become an almost teenager who knew all too well about her mom's dubious "away from home" activities. Not to mention a father who was too wrapped up in "anything but home" to care that his wife was probably cheating on him.

And I could have kicked and screamed like a regular, coming-of-age teen to get some attention. But in the twelve years I'd been around these two, I'd learned to become invisible and live in my own world.

After a while, when the real world is shitty, you learn to adapt to your surroundings. Kids at school teased me, so I tried to avoid them as much as I could. My parents didn't want me, so I tried to make sure I was never in the way.

Looking back, I guess the fact my parents never loved me was damaging enough to make me a little screwed up in life, to push me toward making a few bad decisions.

And if that had been all, it wouldn't have been so bad to tell Edward. He already knew about the whoring myself out and that was one of the low points in my life; one of my worst decisions.

But in spite of that, he still wanted me to be his girlfriend.

He accepted me for what I was.

I could only hope that wouldn't change once he knew everything; the whole truth about me.

A knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts.

I looked up at the clock wondering if it could be Edward but I knew he would probably use a key.

I wasn't scared or anything but it was kind of weird to open the door at an apartment that wasn't yours.

I opened it hesitantly and felt some relief when it turned out to be Esme Cullen.

But then relief turned to awkwardness when I realized she was my boyfriend's mother; a role that always came with extra scrutiny.

Thank fuck I had decided to lose the sweats and change into a clean t-shirt and a pair of jeans earlier. I probably still looked like crap but this was better than her catching me in my most recent attire; her son's clothes.

But then… I was wearing one of his hoodies…

"Bella, dear… look at you," Esme said as she pulled me into a hug. "Are you feeling better?"

I definitely preferred to be hugged by her son, but this wasn't as bad as I usually found hugs or any kind of touches.

"Esme, hi," I said as she pulled away and walked farther inside the apartment while I closed the door behind her. "Yes, I do feel better. Thank you for the soup; it was delicious."

"Edward used to love chicken and stars soup. He would make his classic pouty face" - she showed me – "to get extra stars."

I smiled at that because the face she made was classic Edward.

Who would've fucking guessed I would one day love kissing those pouty lips.

Not me. But I did. I really loved it. His lips were full and moist and he did that little thing where he'd take my top in between his and…

Focus Bella…

"I brought some ziti," Esme announced. "Leftovers from last night."

"Emmett didn't eat at all?" I said in mock horror.

Esme chuckled. "He had two servings but I made extra," she winked. "I wanted you and Edward to have a taste as well."

She included my name like it meant nothing, like I was a part of her family. Maybe she'd be alight with gaining another daughter in law.

"Let's have it," I said with a smile. "I can't wait to have a taste."

Esme's ziti was good. While I ate she talked about this party happening in a few weeks and she seemed to assume I would be accompanying Edward. It was a charity type thing at the hospital where Doctor Deacon worked and the dress code was black tie.

Esme insisted we go shopping; Rosalie would come too because she'd needed a dress as well. Apparently she and Emmett had agreed she'd be home after the weekend.

I didn't say anything but I could tell Esme seemed relieved by the fact her son's marriage was salvaged, even if she chatted on in high spirits pretending that mentioning it was no big deal.

When Edward came home I could tell he was a little surprised to see his mom there, chatting with me.

She told him to convince me to go shopping for a dress for the charity ball and after she left Edward asked me if I even wanted to go. I agreed to be his date if he would take me on a real date – just me and him – before the black tie event would take place.

I offered to heat up some of his mother's ziti for him but Edward looked distracted and even a little discouraged. When I walked over to hug him he welcomed me into his arms and buried his nose in the crook my neck. I was hoping to make him feel better but after a full day without him I realized I definitely craved his embrace as well. After all, who knew how many more of these moments I'd get once Edward knew about my past.

While Edward ate I told him I'd decided to go back to my own apartment the next day because I felt well enough and he deserved to get his bed back. He instantly told me I didn't have to go and pouted a little, which made me feel kind of warm and fuzzy.

But I had to. I needed to go back to my old routine. Playing house with Edward had been more than fun but we were nowhere near ready to make this a prolonged or permanent stay.

In between bites Edward told me about his meeting with Father Masen. It wasn't hard to guess what had happened. No doubt the good old priest had told Edward he was making a mistake and should ditch me.

Edward told me Father Masen had said he believed Edward was acting out by dating me and would eventually go back to becoming a priest.

I wanted to dwell on that and perhaps even sulk a little. I mean the guy was an asshole but he was also Edward's… spiritual guide?

I assumed that in the past Edward had listened to him so not only did it make sense he might listen to him now but also that maybe he should listen. After all, as spiritual guide or whatever Father Masen would have Edward's best interest at heart, right?

I mean, Edward was giving up so much just to be with me. And while I didn't understand why he'd ever wanted to become a priest, I did respect that it was his choice. And for a long time that had been what he wanted.

So, in a way I understood the urgency and perhaps even desperation with which Father Masen and Doctor Deacon had tried to talk Edward out of choosing to be with me.

To them Edward was the poster child for being a good Catholic boy and I was the temporary distraction that was making him sin. There was no way I could actually care for Edward enough and no way I wouldn't leave him eventually.

I supposed, judging from Father Masen's latest spiel, they now believed Edward would snap out of it on his own, that his rebellion would fucking end once he had his thrill.

When these thoughts took hold of my mind and tried to convince me Father Masen and Edward's dad had a point and maybe he should listen to them, it was Edward who snapped me out of it by making it more than clear he was serious about us. He'd put extra emphasis on those words by kissing me firmly. That had pushed all logical thoughts out of my mind until I had to pull away because Edward's kisses were leaving me breathless and I had to force in some air. Damned stuffed nose was making me a mouth breather.

After dinner I went to take a shower and while I was standing under the hot spray of water I knew I couldn't wait any longer. I needed to talk to Edward now.

Tonight.

He had to know what he was dealing with, who he was choosing to be with before he'd give up on his old future.

I finished my shower and toweled off quickly before I rushed to get dressed. I didn't want to lose what little courage I had built up now.

Walking back into the living room, I found Edward staring at his computer screen. He seemed to be lost in thought when I called out.

"Hey, Edward."

He turned but didn't respond. Instead his eyes roamed over my body, taking in what I was wearing.

He still didn't say anything. He just sat there. Staring.

Any other guy would have looked like a perv but when Edward did it, it was sort of sexy.

I imagined he would stride on over and grab me for a heated kiss.

_Focus, Bella!_ I chided myself.

"Edward?" I called him again as he sat there, silent and staring.

"Sorry, what?"

"I want you to know I am serious about us too," I told him.

He smiled. "I know you are."

"Yes well, if we want this to work, we need honesty, right?"

Edward nodded, encouraging me to go on.

"I want to tell you about..."

"About?"

"Isabella Marie Volturi."

The words burned in my throat and filled the air with tension. It was like a dam broke and my mind flooded with the memories that belonged with the name.

I tried to shake it off and push back my anxiety but traitorous tears were already pooling in my eyes and my heart started pounding.

I hated that fucking name and the life that belonged with it. I hated everything that had happened before then and wasn't proud of some of it after. But I'd been running away from this for too long. It was time to face…

…myself.

There were no separate identities; there was only the divide between the unloved girl in Forks and the polished princess façade that followed after.

And these days there was Plain Bella Swan; former whore on her knees on the streets now living the wonderfully dull life with a real job and an equally real and wonderful boyfriend.

I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to have to transform into someone else again.

I liked being Plain Bella Swan.

"Bella?"

I blinked against the tears forming in my eyes and tried to take a few calming breaths.

Edward wanted to get up, probably with the intention to comfort me or whatever, but I gestured for him to stay put.

I'd never get this out if he'd started to calm or soothe me in any way. It was fucking tough though. Never did I want and need the safety of his embrace more than right now.

"Are you alright?" Edward pressed, seemingly debating whether to ignore my plea to give me space and rush to my side or wait for me to start talking. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to. You don't owe me anything."

He was wrong. I did owe him this. A true glimpse inside my broken soul.

"I… I was born in Forks…" I stammered.

Forks. Population: just above 3100 at the time. Easy place on earth for a family – and I used that term very fucking loosely –to become the constant subject of gossip and rumors when they made no effort to show themselves as a united front in public - or ever. We never went anywhere as a family and people noticed that because Forks was such a darn small place.

I'd never made any true friends at school or around town because of that; most of the kids and particularly their parents had been too engrossed in chatting behind our backs to take the time to get to know me or my parents. Of course, my parents had never made much of an effort to change this by becoming a real part of the community. You'd think that my dad would have gotten some sort of respect being the town sheriff and all but apparently his rank had meant very little to the good people of Forks.

Edward didn't say anything and his silence was probably meant to keep me from getting distracted or discouraged.

"My dad was a cop and my mom… well she was a stay at home mom and a housewife to the outside world…"

"But that was an act?" Edward asked softly, quietly, as if he didn't want to break me from my concentration or say anything that might upset me.

"She preferred to keep her company outside of the house and outside of her marriage," I said wryly.

"She cheated on your dad," Edward filled in the blanks.

I nodded.

"Did he know?"

"Probably," I said, taking a deep breath.

I was feeling a little calmer and moved to sit on the sofa. Edward continued to give me my space by remaining at his desk.

"Did he say anything? Call her out on her responsibilities?"

I wanted to snort. My mother and responsibilities didn't belong in the same sentence.

And my dad had always stuck his head in the sand. He thought that being absent and spending all his time at the diner or playing small town sheriff meant he didn't have to deal with his whoring wife and unwanted kid.

On the occasions he had confronted my mom, she had yelled insults or reproaches, blaming him and me for ruining her life. She'd always been very good at blaming others for everything.

That had often effectively ended their arguments; they'd both storm off to separate rooms in the house to gain some composure, but to a kid's wandering and overly curious ears, the damage had been done. I was unwanted.

"Not often and when he did they'd end up fighting."

"And you were stuck in the middle?"

If only, that might have meant they gave a damn.

"More like invisible and unwanted on the sidelines," I muttered.

"What does that mean?" Edward wondered, frowning.

"They never wanted me. My dad might have tried for a while but he was too busy being a small town sheriff to be a real dad and my mom hated the fact I ruined whatever life she had before she became pregnant."

"Wait… you dad is in law enforcement?" Edward interrupted.

"Was." I sighed. "He died when I was thirteen."

Edward flashed me a sad smile. "I'm so sorry."

I shrugged. "Don't be. I didn't find out until a while after he died."

"Huh?" Edward questioned, clearly puzzled. And who wouldn't be. It was all so shady.

I sighed. Slowly we were getting to the real story. The most important reasons as to why I was so fucked up.

"Let me just explain a few things, alright? Without interruptions," I pleaded.

Edward nodded. "Please, go ahead."

"I didn't have any friends as a kid in Forks. Back then I was sort of okay with it; I mean… you don't really miss something you never had and I was used to my parents ignoring me, so the rest of my surroundings doing the same was no big deal…"

"That must have been tough though," Edward commented, breaking his promise not to interrupt.

I rolled my eyes, admonishing him, which caused him to smile sheepishly. "It was but you learn to adapt as a kid because your mind is still flexible I guess. Now hush," I added a bit more playfully.

"Anyway, I didn't have friends and kids at school started teasing me when I got older."

It wasn't the teasing that had really bothered me that much. Loads of kids got teased in school and my hide had grown to be thick enough over the years.

What I'd hated about the teasing was that it hadn't been lies they'd spread.

It had been the truth.

"What did they tease you about?" Edward asked, taking advantage of my silence.

"Mostly about my mom and her… extracurricular activities. Forks is a small town and word travels fast when people love to talk."

"They teased you about your mother cheating?"

"Sort of… they mostly teased me because they – well I guess it came from their parents – believed she was… prostituting herself."

Edward said nothing and sat there silently, staring at me. Scrutinizing me.

In that moment I wanted to be small and invisible again; like back when I was a kid. Somehow it was worse to look Edward in the eye than it was to have twelve year olds snicker, whisper and point behind you back.

But then his gaze softened and he spoke quietly. "And she was."

I nodded. "Ironically, despite her being a shitty mom, I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree," I added bitterly.

Edward shook his head as if to protest my words but seemingly decided against it.

"Did your dad know about that as well?"

I had never heard them fight about this particular fact but then for some strange reason they had always managed to moderate their fights to some extent, so I hadn't had real confirmation of her whorish ways until I'd heard Aro bring them up years later.

Aro.

I shuddered. Talking about my parents' failing marriage was easy and wouldn't be something Edward could possibly resent me for.

But peeling away the layers to get to the deep, dark, black core of my own essence was becoming more painful and embarrassing as we went.

"Bella?"

I looked at Edward, remembering he had asked me something. Right, he wanted to know if my dad had known my mom was a whore.

"I think he knew. But that was also something he chose to ignore."

Edward shook his head. "This… I don't know what to say. I know it's selfish to feel blessed with my own childhood now but it puts things in perspective."

"Makes your dad look like a standup guy, huh," I teased dryly.

Edward frowned. "I don't understand why your father wouldn't protect you more. You'd think as someone who's supposed to protect citizens, abide the law etc., he'd have high morals and would protect his own-"

"-Daughter," I interrupted.

"Well, he didn't," I added coolly.

"Can I ask how he died?"

My dad's death had been a mystery for years. My mom had told me about how some punks had waited for him at our home and killed him.

Later on I had learned it had been Aro's men. And they hadn't killed him with the gentleness of a quick bullet but with a good old fashioned "pummel him 'til he stops moving".

That had been the only time I'd cried for my father; the night Demetri told me how he died and who was responsible. Demetri also made me promise never to share that I knew and never to ask about it again. When I'd asked him why he'd told me, he'd explained that he didn't want me to wonder or worry about my dad. He'd believed it would give me closure.

"He was murdered."

"Wow…" Edward breathed, "That's just… the horror you have been through…"

I grimaced. My dad's murder had been a minor tragedy compared to what Aro had done to me.

That had been horror.

"Did they ever catch the murderer?"

I shook my head. "No, he got away."

"Do the police know who did it?"

"I don't think so."

I couldn't fault Edward for asking the types of questions he did; they were basic in nature and made perfect sense in their context.

But Edward was an observant guy, he knew how to ask core questions and I was pretty certain he knew the mention of my father's murder led down a far more sinister path.

His eyes betrayed him though; they were no longer the vibrant jade I loved so much. They were dark and wary; cautious of what was to come. Given his own relatively carefree background I was sharing enough terrifying tales to last him a lifetime. So much for being innocent.

"_Do you_ know who did it?" he then asked, proving his ability to push past the semantics and get to the significant part of this story.

"Aro Volturi," I whispered.

Edward's eyes went wide and he nodded to himself. I watched him as he mulled over the pieces of the puzzle he had, trying to make sense of it all.

"Aro Volturi, the guy from your nightmares," he eventually repeated, more for his own benefit than mine. "_He_ killed your father?"

I nodded.

"He was responsible for his death yes."

"And you didn't find out until later… when you started carrying… the same last name?"

Edward sounded appropriately puzzled but it didn't stop him from making the bizarre assumption that followed.

"I know you're still young and all but… did… was… did you marry this guy?"

Now it was my turn to be appropriately puzzled, or rather stunned. Edward thought matching last names equaled marriage?

I shook my head vehemently, the idea too crazy, too disgusting.

"No, no!" I practically yelled. "He's old… he was a friend of my mom and one day when I was thirteen she took me away and we went to live with him."

"Your mother ran off with the guy who killed her husband?" Edward asked in disbelief. "And let you be in the presence of this man? Did she plan his murder?"

While I knew Edward was referring to my safety rather than being ironic, looking back it _had been_ quite ironic that my mom, who all those years had wished I'd never been born had been forced by Aro to take me with her.

That day, she had started packing a suitcase as soon as my dad had left for work in the morning and I had assumed she was finally leaving my father and me behind to chase a new life.

So, it had been a huge shock when she had curtly demanded me to follow her to a black car parked outside while she had towed the suitcase behind her. I should've been thrilled my mother was taking me with her, that she was showing some form of motherly love by not abandoning me, but looking back I would have been so much better off with my dad, or as an orphan.

A man I'd later come to know as Demetri had been waiting by the black car. My mom had given him the suitcase; he'd put it in the trunk before getting back in the car and driving us away.

That had been the last time I'd seen my childhood home.

"She didn't plan his murder but she went with Aro willingly, so obviously she didn't care. And he had enough money to persuade her; he's a powerful man."

Edward let out a deep sigh. His face was flushed and his eyes held mine for a few moments.

I could see how overwhelmed he was and a part of me wanted to stop telling him more, considering we had yet to get to the ultimate bombshell and he already seemed bewildered.

Yet at the same time for me actually talking about this was strangely cathartic. It was like an out of body experience; like it had happened to someone else instead of me.

"So she wanted a different life-style? Was this Aro one of the men she… sold her body too?" he asked hesitantly.

I hadn't cared much about the connection between Aro and my mom when he'd gone to live with him. All she had told me was that they were old friends and she had demanded I call her Renée from then on and that was that.

I'd never seen them be overly affectionate though. If anything he'd seemed like a sugar daddy to her. I'd once heard him tell her she wasn't as "tight and stretch-mark free" as before, which had indicated they shared a possible romantic past before my dad had come along and ruined her life by getting her pregnant.

"I think they knew each other from before she met my dad. I guess it's possible they also hooked up when we lived in Forks but their connection goes way back before then."

"So, he was an old lover getting revenge on a rival stealing his girl away?"

For a while I'd wondered if Aro's motive to kill my dad had in fact been Mom but from what I'd observed between him and my mom all those years, he'd never come across as someone so madly in love with her that he would kill so he could claim her as his own.

Most of the time it had seemed she annoyed him. And while the motive had been about revenge, it'd had nothing to do with love for my mother.

"Revenge was his motive, yes. But it wasn't about my mom. My dad killed his son; Marcus."

I didn't know the exact details but I'd overheard Aro and Renée fight about it once when I was fifteen. Then, when I'd asked Demetri because he'd been the one to tell me about my dad's murder in the first place, he'd scolded me for asking, reminding me I'd promised to let it go years before. But after pushing and nagging he'd relented and shared a brief and vague summary of what had gone down.

Charlie was a cop in Chicago who'd killed Aro's son during some sort of a raid. Aro had waited a long time to get his revenge and he did when Felix had traced my dad in Forks and killed him.

"Your father killed his son?"

I nodded.

To this day I still didn't know the exact details of what went down. Demetri had never been a man of many words.

I knew my parents moved to Forks after my mom got pregnant and I suspected the one reason they'd moved from Chicago to a podunk place like Forks to play house was to get away from Aro's revenge. They'd started a new life with a new name in a small town.

So, growing up in Forks I'd been Bella Dwyer. And I hadn't known any better until I found a birth certificate stating my name was in fact Isabella Marie Swan when I was eleven. At first my find had been a shock and for a few moments I'd daydreamed about being adopted and having biological parents out there who might actually love me. But then I'd realized that people giving up a baby for adoption probably didn't love said baby and that genetics proved I was Charlie and Renée's daughter.

Unfortunately.

I'd never brought it up with my parents because we were registered under the name Dwyer everywhere and it's not like they would have told me the truth.

"So this Aro… he got his revenge by taking your father's life away. And then steal his daughter and claim her as his own. So she could replace his son?"

"I guess."

"So that's how you became Isabella Marie Volturi…"

I shook my head. "Not exactly."

* * *

***FLASHBACK***

_We were living in Phoenix for two months now and while Renée – I could no longer call her Mom – ignored me for the most part, Aro was nice and welcoming. Finally there was someone who paid attention to me._

_He gave me nice clothes and a large spacious room with a beautiful bed with a canopy and a closet full of new clothes and shoes. He was even going to throw me a party and not just anywhere but in his summerhouse in Italy. A belated celebration of my thirteenth birthday, according to him._

_But first I'd be baptized because Aro was Catholic and he wanted me to be Catholic as well._

_We went to Rome where a priest baptized me in a beautiful and big church; the Santa Maria Maggiore._

_Aro had me practice it until I said it right. See, I had a tutor now; his name was Ephraim and he was very strict and carried a ruler everywhere._

_The baptizing ritual itself was kind of boring and got my new white lace dress wet but since it made Aro happy and he had promised me a party, I didn't complain. After the baptism I not only was a real Catholic but I also had a new identity. _

_Isabella Marie Volturi._

_Aro said he was my family now and I accepted it because he was nice and welcoming. He seemed to truly care when my parents never had._

_The party itself was crowded but fun. There was a big cake and loads of presents, including a chocolate brown pony called Dolce that was all mine._

_When the party ended and I was getting ready for bed, Aro came into my room. At first we talked a bit and while his eyes had lingered on my chest, I thought nothing of it._

_But then he started telling me about how I was a woman now and as his fingers started making patterns on my collarbone, frightening chills started to erupt inside me, leaving goose bumps behind._

_I may have known little about grownup relationships or sexuality but Aro's hooded eyes and breathy encouragement as he whispered in my ear told me that his behavior was wrong and misplaced._

_It scared me but I had no chance to fight it. I could only let it happen._

_That was the first night he touched me._

**_*END FLASHBACK*_**

I could feel the tears burning again and this time Edward didn't stay put. He rushed to the sofa to capture me into a near bone crushing hug.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured. "So sorry…"

"He… he was nice at first, nicer than my parents had ever been and I wanted a father but I n-never…"

"You never what?" Edward murmured softly, while he rubbed my back to calm me.

"I never wanted him to come into my room at night... he made me… that first night… I was baptized, I was pure… he knew that," I rambled.

I could feel Edward go rigid. He stopped making the circular motions to soothe me and sat there, frozen.

"What did he do?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"He called me 'La P-pura'. I didn't know what that meant until later," I started sobbing…

"The pure one," Edward mumbled.

"He… s-started touching me and… k-kept telling me I'd stay pure this way, that h-he would t-take care of me…"

I was breaking. With every word the floodgates went open a little wider and waves of those horrible memories slammed into me; crushing me completely. I tried to breathe but it felt like there was something heavy weighing me down, suffocating me.

"He molested you," Edward stated simply, but his voice was anything but calm. "How old were you when it started?"

"T-two months a-after we s-started living w-with him in Phoenix," I mumbled onto his chest. I was still clinging to him even if his hands had fallen to his sides.

"And when did it stop?"

"I r-ran away t-to Seattle when I w-w-as seventeen."

Edward remained silent until suddenly and abruptly he pulled away, causing me to almost tumble forward and plant my face in the sofa cushions.

He ignored that and started pacing… back and forth while his hair was bearing the brunt of his frustration because he started to pull at it so forcefully.

Taking his blunt withdrawal from me and his angered pacing as a sign he was becoming disgusted with me because of what I'd told him, I started to talk frantically, my face wet with tears.

"I'm s-sorry… so sorry… I know I'm not p-p-pure… I know I s-should've run sooner. I s-should've f-fought it…I know I'm a disappointment f-for n-not b-being strong l-like you t-thought…"

Edward flashed me a look and I noticed his eyes were bordering on murderous.

Trying harder to convince him, I took a deep breath and rose to reach out for him.

"I d-d-don't want to let you down… I know my p-p-past was colorful enough w-w-ithout… t-this… please don't h-h-ate me," I begged.

There was no response except for Edward moving away from me.

"I wanted to save you," he said wryly. "Clearly I failed."

"You d-did save me!" I protested, crying. "T-that night, when you f-f-found me with that g-g-uyy at the m-motel… nothing h-h-appened… he didn't f-f-uck me… y-you were on t-t-time."

Edward halted his movements and stared at me. "You lied?"

He looked furious now…

"I-I wanted to s-s-save _you_," I started to explain incoherently. "I t-thought that would stop you from c-c-aring f-f-or me t-too m-much."

Edward snorted but said nothing.

"B-b-ut it w-was useless," I told him as I reached to touch his chest. "And now I… I've f-fallen in l-love w-with y-you."

The moment the words left my lips I realized how true they were. I was in love with Edward.

But he didn't seem to reciprocate because he pried my hand away and put more distance between us.

"Don't…" he warned. "I can't… I need… I need to go."

And then he turned and walked out the door, leaving me crumbling to the floor.

* * *

I knew I should have left after Edward's massive rejection but for some reason I was fucking glutton for punishment.

That, and my head hurt like a motherfucker from all the crying and the fact I was still not feeling 100%.

When Edward had walked out on me, it had been the worst feeling ever. Worse than the first time Aro fucked me. Worse than when Laurent ripped my ass when he raped me.

Angela had once told me that when you love someone, you feel it in your heart, your soul, and your bones. And when they don't feel entirely the same, your heart gets shattered, your soul blackens and your bones grow cold.

Maybe my feelings for Edward weren't that strong yet but I knew I could love him in ways I would never love anyone else. And I was robbed from the chance to experience that because my stupid past kept haunting me and ruined everything I touched.

I never expected Edward to shrug off my story like it was no big deal. But to walk out on me like that, looking at me the way he had so cold and angry… that had been my worst nightmare.

Edward loathed me. I guess accepting my entire past on top of the parts he'd seen for himself was too much.

I lay on my side and stared at the neon numbers on Edward's alarm clock. It had been two hours since he'd left. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I worried about where he'd run off to and then I wasn't sure if Edward even wanted me here when he came back.

Eventually I managed to dose off a little until I felt the bed dip under unexpected additional weight, which brought me back to consciousness.

Before I could turn, I felt an arm snake around my waist, pulling me flush against a familiar chest.

A breath of relief, audible in a deafening silence that hung in the room, escaped me.

"I'm sorry I left," Edward's velvet voice whispered, his breath tickling my ear.

I shrugged against his chest and turned around to face him. Edward allowed me to move but instantly put an arm around my waist again to keep me close.

The first thing I looked at were his eyes. They were no longer angry or frantic and had regained their usual warm jade color.

His features were still a bit strained but the small smile playing on his lips was somewhat reassuring.

"Hi," he said softly.

"Hi," I whispered. "I'm glad you came back."

"I'm glad you're still here," he told me. "Because there is something I have to say."

"What?"

"I don't care about the past. I mean, it breaks my heart you had to suffer so much but to me you're just Isabella Marie. I don't care which last name you carry or what story belongs with it. I just want to be part of the story that starts now."

I smiled a little. "Call me 'Just Bella'," I said.

"How about _my_ Bella?" he smiled.

"I like that."

"Good, because _my Bella,_ I am in love with you too."

* * *

**A/N: ...well...there you have it. I'll leave the comments to you. Next chapter is Edward's reaction - his thoughts etc.**

**I greatly appreciate every review but I want to give a special shout out to reve2weaver who left me such an amazing review last chapter; thank you so much!**

**Next update might not be within a week, real life has scheduled me a busy weekend - the nerve!**

**Drop me some words, they mean a lot to me. I'v become a review-junkie. Kidding ;)**

**Have a good week!**


	37. Miles Ahead

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I ****own ****No-Longer-Quite-So-Determined-To-Be-****Priestward (Copyright for the name goes to one of my faithful readers and tweetbuddy Wythanie) and PottymouthBella. (She does need a new #monicker… ;)**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 35: MILES AHEAD**

I never considered myself to be a violent person. I never acted out in a fit of rage nor gotten angry to the point of wanting or needing a violent outlet.

Emmett used to joke that I must lack testosterone because I never got into fights and completely shunned physical altercations. Even when he and Jacob would wrestle playfully when we were kids, I'd never join in. The times Emmett would try to get me to punch him or tackle me so he could make a so called **"**doggy pile", I would, much like the behavior of a dog, lay still; play dead. I never had a taste for his rambunctious playfulness.

I didn't know what it meant to "see red" and feel the need to ventilate anger in an aggressive manner.

But all of that changed when Bella told me about her past and what that man – well, monster was a more appropriate term - Aro Volturi, had done to her.

For the first time ever I saw red.

I wanted nothing more but to find this monster and hurt him the way he'd hurt Bella and haunted her still. I wanted to pummel him until he bled, until he begged for mercy, and then I'd pummel him some more. I knew no amount of violence would ever be enough to measure what he had done to Bella, but maybe if I could see his face crushed in pain and every evil thing he stood for destroyed to complete oblivion, I would feel some kind of wry statisfaction.

Before now I had never believed violence was a solution to relieve powerful emotions but this was an exception.

This monster had broken Bella. He had taken away her innocence, her purity and her dignity. That should not go unpunished.

If this man were ever to face God, I hoped He'd grant him no forgiveness, even if that was the wrong sentiment for a man of faith like me.

I hated this unpredictable feeling of anxiety, to have aggression and adrenaline run through me, making me feel like I could break things with my bare hands.

My heart beat rapidly and my mind was racing. Sleep evaded me and every shadow on the wall morphed into grimaces, dark reminders of the terror Bella had experienced.

I tried to calm myself by watching her as she slept. I was holding her in my arms as we were lying in my bed. A few months ago such a scenario would have been impossible to imagine but now it was a reality. A reality I welcomed.

She was my fallen angel, my solace. The reason I needed to do away with this enragement and calm myself.

Bella's breathing came steadily and the soft flutter of her heartbeat drummed in an equal rhythm against my own chest. She had molded herself into my side, her head resting in the crook of my neck while one of her arms was resting on my stomach. Every warm breath that tickled my skin was a reminder she was here with me and it slowly melted away the anxiety.

Looking at Bella, her face soft and surprisingly relaxed, it was beyond me how she had survived the brutalities she'd faced in her life. The tremendous amount of resilience she'd shown was beyond amazing. Maybe not every decision she'd made since escaping the monster had been sensible but she certainly proved she was a survivor.

So many people had let her down in life; so many had betrayed her trust, but she still managed to connect to people instead of shying away from them.

And what had I done? Instead of comforting Bella, I'd walked away. And leaving her like that was the hardest and cruelest thing I'd ever done.

When Bella had stood in front of me earlier, shaking and barely breathing, tears streaming down her face, apologizing to me for being weak, for not being able to fight, my heart had shattered.

And then she had admitted that she'd lied about the night when I had found her at that seedy motel. Instead of being too late to stop her from giving her body to that guy, they hadn't had intercourse at all.

It wasn't so much the lie in itself that had added to my anger. It was the knowledge Bella had lied to try and prevent me from getting too close and falling in love with her.

In any case, it wasn't just anger that had guided my actions; I hated how I'd believed that saving her that night would have made a difference, that it would have been almost simple to play the hero and save the day when in reality she'd endured things no hero had managed to save her from.

She'd been forced to save herself.

Bella was the strongest person I knew and she should never apologize for not being able to fight off a monster. The fact she believed she was at fault, combined with the details of her past, had made my blood boil.

This monster had taken so much from her already; he didn't deserve the power to make her crumble like that still. Every tear, every word of apology had sparked the fury that had been building inside me.

By the time she confessed she'd fallen in love with me, I'd come undone.

Not only did I "see red" I also felt green and ready to burst out of my skin like the plastic Hulk figurine Emmet used to have in his room. I was angry, _so angry,_ and I'd had no idea how to channel it. I could have punched pillows or kick chairs, but instead I'd run like the coward I was.

I'd ended up going to Emmett's house, thinking he might be the only one to explain this feeling of anger to me without having to divulge too much about Bella's past. It was out of the question I'd speak to my father or Father Masen. They would have misused any kind of information I'd given them.

My brother had been surprised to see me – I wasn't one for casually dropping by unannounced - but ushered me in with a brotherly slap on the back and had offered me the coffee he'd just brewed, which I'd refused.

"What can I do ya for, Eddie?" he'd teased, ignoring the tension that had to have been rolling off me in waves. I'd felt like someone who'd gone without caffeine for too long; the rage inside me made me tremble and shake internally.

"I want to hit something… hurt someone," I'd blurted out angrily, which had made his eyes go wide in confusion.

"O…kay and you thought coming here would fulfill that need? Are you here to kick my ass for years of friendly, older brother abuse?"

"You think I'm joking?" I'd nearly shouted.

"No, Bro. I think you're dead serious, which is a little scary to be honest. You look kind of manic…"

"You shouldn't mock the word 'abuse'," I'd chided him, my voice a little softer. "It's not something to joke about."

Emmett had nodded. "Duly noted. You mind telling me what has sparked this sudden streak of violence?"

I'd hesitated, despite my anger. I didn't want to betray Bella's trust but I had to give him some kind of explanation.

"I… it's about Bella."

Emmett's face had lit up at the mention of her name but then something seemed to dawn on him and whatever that was, it had wiped away his smile, replacing it with a frown.

"What happened? Don't tell me you want to hurt Bella?"

I'd stood there, stunned and appalled my brother would even assume something like that. I would never hurt Bella; I would never do what that horrible…

I'd swallowed deeply, my hands folding into fists as memories from earlier battled inside me, each little detail fighting to have the most significance.

Bella had been molested by that monster. He'd taken advantage of her innocence, of her desire to be wanted the way a child should be by its parents. He'd damaged her as a whole and broke parts of her that would be so hard to repair.

And my brother had presumed _I'd _wanted to hurt Bella.

I'd shuddered at the thought.

"Bro? You okay?"

"Bella told me some things about her past and it's terrible."

Emmett had given me a sympathetic look. "Well, someone doesn't become a prostitute for no reason, so that seems obvious."

I'd frowned. What Emmett had said was incorrect. It wasn't obvious at all. Whatever Bella had chosen in the past, what she'd been through wasn't obvious; there was no justification for it.

"No, it's not just that. Believe me when I say, without betraying Bella's trust, that she's been through horrible things when growing up."

Emmett had shrugged. "I believe you. So is that why you suddenly feel actual testosterone coursing through your body? Why you look like you could use a few rounds with a punching bag?"

I'd nodded. "I want to hurt whoever has hurt Bella."

That had made Emmett grin widely. "Aww, my brother goes caveman for his girlfriend."

His emotions were oddly misplaced sometimes.

At any other moment I would have shrugged or maybe even blushed at Emmett's suggestion. But his description, while quite astute, had been inappropriate.

"I am not a caveman. I just feel like I failed her. I tried so hard to support her with the Redemption Program, help her change her life. But to know most of the damage has been inflicted from early age with no one there to protect her…"

"You think the Redemption Program is useless because of that?"

I'd shaken my head because I absolutely didn't believe that. Bella was impossibly strong and willing to make the program work. She wanted change and I knew she'd fight hard to reach that.

But to know she'd been through so much pain, it made me feel powerless. And ironically enough she wasn't the one who needed redemption.

"No, not at all. But I feel naïve and silly for thinking I could erase her past by helping her set up her future. Nothing can erase _that_ kind of past."

"The past can't be undone. All you can do is be there for Bella. Making her future worthwhile is what counts."

I'd nodded because what Emmett said made sense. I had to make sure Bella's future was one filled with good things. Show her I cared.

But I'd already failed by walking out on her.

"You're really in love with her, huh?" Emmett had then said. "I can tell your feelings run deep. I think you love her."

I loved Bella? Was that what this need to save and protect her was about? To hurt every single person that would ever hurt her?

I had nothing to compare the feeling to so I'd had to take my brother's word for it. If he believed I loved Bella then maybe he was right.

"You think this is love?" I'd asked. I remembered how my father had pointed out a similar sentiment before. And a few days ago we had declared ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. But did all of that equal loving someone the way my father loved my mother or Emmett loved Rosalie. The kind that made you think of wanting to be with someone forever?

"Do you think about her all the time?" Emmett asked.

I'd nodded.

"Do you miss her when she's gone?"

Another nod and then a frown. I'd missed her in that moment and the guilt of leaving her had started gnawing at me.

"You want to protect her; you feel like you failed her and all you want is to erase all the bad things from her world."

He hadn't been asking. He'd been stating what was obvious to him.

"I am sure you like kissing her." He'd winked. "And to you she's the most beautiful thing in your world."

"Is that how you feel about Rosalie?"

Emmett had nodded. "Most of the time. Of course, love can hurt as well."

He'd grimaced, remembering his own sorrows.

"How are you anyway? And how's Rosalie?"

"Rosie's coming home in a few days. I asked her if I should pick her up in Forks but her dad's driving her here."

_Forks._

The reminder of the place Bella had lived as a child had instantly brought my anger back. But there was also curiosity.

"Have you ever been there?"

"Forks?" Emmett had asked."Yeah, I've been there a few times."

"What's it like there?"

Emmett shrugged. "Quiet, boring, bland… name your adjective. Not the kind of place for city-boys like us," he'd joked. "Why do you want to know?"

"Bella was born and raised there," I'd said, thinking she wouldn't mind if I shared that small detail with my brother.

"Hmm, to me it doesn't seem like a place where horrible things happen."

I'd remained silent.

"Then again, stuff like that often happens in bland little towns that nobody's ever heard of," he'd mused. "I wonder what Bella's story is…"

"So, Rosalie is coming home. That's a good thing, right?" I'd said, eager to change the subject before Emmett would start asking about Bella.

"I guess so. She mentioned something about counseling on the phone. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want some head shrink type to analyze my every thought, you know."

I'd chuckled. "You sound like Bella."

That had made Emmett grin wide as well. "See, she's in your thoughts constantly."

"How did you know we kissed?" I'd asked, realizing I'd never told him that and he certainly didn't witness it.

I hoped.

"Please, you were all over each other at Thanksgiving. You almost gave Dad a coronary with all the PDA. "

"PDA?"

Emmett had snorted. "Dude, for a minute there I thought you were cool now but here you are, still oblivious to simple pop culture references."

"Just tell me what it means," I'd demanded.

"PDA. Public display of affection."

"I held her hand when she was nervous," I'd argued. "That's not a bad thing, is it?"

"Tss, PDA is never bad. It was nice to see Dad squirm a little though." Emmett had smiled. "He needs to loosen up about this priest business. He should be happy you're happy."

"Tell me about it."

"So…"

"So?"

"Feel better? You don't want to beat me up anymore?"

I'd nodded because I'd felt calmer, though the thought of Bella's past kept me angry. The irrational aggression had been replaced with my earlier guilt, knowing I'd left Bella at my apartment in that state of distress.

"You know, being angry really doesn't help. I get that you're pissed but your anger isn't helping Bella. Comforting her is more important than stewing in your anger."

"You're right. I need to go," I'd said simply.

"Glad you figured that out," Emmet had mocked me before he'd sent me on my way. "May the force be with you," he'd shouted.

My apartment had been covered in darkness when I returned and for a moment I'd been worried Bella had taken off, but then I'd spotted a small stream of light coming from my bedroom.

With the door half open, I'd entered my room quietly, sighing a breath of relief when I'd noticed the small form huddled under the sheets.

Bella hadn't left. Despite the fact I'd abandoned her.

She was truly better than me.

In that moment I'd remembered Emmett's definition of loving someone.

I was in love with Bella, there was no doubt. And nothing in her past, no matter how gruesome it was, could change that. If anything, it only made the feeling stronger.

I was in love with Bella because she was strong and stubborn. Because she was beautiful and fierce. Because she had turned my life upside down and while it sometimes terrified me, the thrill and excitement exceeded that feeling by many miles.

Because I could no longer imagine my life without her.

* * *

Sleeping in a bed was a luxury after spending it on the sofa for days in a row. I stretched a little and sighed contently when I heard a small muffled giggle.

Memories from the previous night flooded my mind and burned my cheeks.

Bella and I were in the same bed.

"I know you're awake."

I opened my eyes and there she was in all her fallen angel glory. Her mahogany hair was wild as it cascaded down her back and spilled across her chest. I swiftly moved my eyes away from that particular area. Her eyes were a little puffy from sleep and last night's crying but there was a sparkle there; a sight I welcomed because it made Bella look alive and happy.

She was lying on her side, propped up on one elbow, staring at me.

"Morning," I said quietly, not wanting to disturb the peaceful moment.

"Morning." Bella smiled. "You're cute when you're waking up."

I frowned as I tried to remember if I'd done something embarrassing in my sleep like touch Bella in inappropriate places.

Hmm, now why would I assume that? And what was that feeling in my boxers?

_An erection? Now? Great…_

I felt my face burn even more, hoping Bella hadn't noticed that yet. Or would at all.

"What did I do?" I asked hesitantly. "And do I even want to know?"

"It's nothing bad," Bella chuckled. "You were stretching and moaning a little, like you were really satisfied."

"It felt good to sleep in a bed again," I confessed, willing away my erection but finding it fruitless.

Bella's smile faded and she averted her face to hide the guilt I'd read in a momentary glimpse before she looked away.

That ought to do it. Making Bella sad sure killed my libido.

"I should go back to my place today," she announced.

"No, Bella, that's not what I meant," I assured her. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

Bella shrugged and that tough exterior she used as a defense mechanism popped up; she was going to act casual and pretend something didn't matter when I really knew it did.

"It's no big deal. Besides, it's time to go anyway. I've been overstaying my welcome."

Overstaying her welcome? Did Bella think she was imposing? That she was a burden?

Then I realized that was exactly what she must believe because that's what her parents had always made her feel like.

Unwelcome; like she was a burden. An unwanted guest overstaying her welcome.

Thinking about it made me angry all over again.

"You're never unwelcome, Bella," I said, more harsh than I meant to be. "I'm not like them…"

Bella's eyes snapped up to mine and she looked not only shocked but her eyes filled with momentary despair.

But then slowly I saw the feeling fade and then she shook her head.

"I know you're not," she said softly. "I just don't want to invade your space for too long."

"You're not doing that at all," I said. "I slept on the sofa because you needed the bed and it's absolutely fine. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Still, I should get back to my place today. I feel better and we both need to get back to a routine."

She flashed me a sad smile and I reached out to cup her cheek. "You don't have to go."

"I do." She smiled. "I need to get back to work and you need your bed back."

"Maybe we can start looking for a new apartment soon?" I suggested.

"Yes, that would be nice. I know Angela wants to get away from that place as well, maybe we can find an apartment together."

I nodded. "That sounds like a good plan."

* * *

After a rapidly thrown together breakfast of toast and eggs and a brief make-out session that gave me my second erection of the day, I left for school which proved to be a challenge since bike riding and expanding crotches did not go well together. At least the discomfort was enough to deflate my erection.

I had one morning class and promised Bella I'd be home before lunch. She had made plans to clean my kitchen – she'd spotted dust bunnies apparently - and I'd demanded she'd take it easy because she was still recovering.

When I made it to school, I ran into Seth and a guy named Quil who told me my one class had been canceled because our guest speaker couldn't make it.

A quick dig in my memory reminded me that our guest speaker would have been Monsignor Laurent. He'd given a lecture a few times before and while I'd found him to be an engaging speaker, there was something about him, something I'd never been able to put my finger on. He'd speak of lust and desire in correlation to purity, explaining that struggling with such feelings required honesty in order to stay pure. But in those speeches he'd always seemed a little too passionate when giving examples of such feelings. Like he had experience, perhaps.

His cancellation wasn't a huge surprise. It happened quite often; lecturers had to do that. Most had plenty of other responsibilities but the rumored reason did peak my interest.

"I heard that he couldn't make it because he's in a conflict with his church," Quil told Seth.

"I heard the department retracted his invitation to give a lecture," Seth added. "I don't think that happens often; it's the first time I ever heard of it."

I usually didn't pay much attention to any type of gossip but this caught my attention. I knew the department wouldn't just revoke an invitation to lecture unless they had a very good reason. And if Monsignor Laurent was in conflict with his own church, things certainly became very curious.

"What church does he belong to?" Seth asked.

"I wanna say St…Philip?" Quil hesitated. "Somewhere from one of the Southern states, I'm sure of that."

I knew a bell should have started ringing and if I'd paid full attention I would have heard it clanging loud and clear.

But it wasn't until Quil corrected his previous answer and said St. Philip was actually St. Patrick that I connected the dots between that information and the mention of "Southern states."

Could Monsignor Laurent be the one making so much trouble in New Orleans?

I didn't want to speculate on it but what were the odds of that being a coincidence?

I felt strange knowing my intuition about this man might have been correct, that he could be the one who'd been making trouble in New Orleans and had now fled to Italy. To think he'd been here to educate us, while being such a farcical man himself.

Still, I didn't linger to hear more of Seth and Quil and left to find Kate, thinking I could use this unexpected free time to drop in and discuss my dissertation with her for a bit before returning to Bella.

I found her in the hallway on my way to her office where she greeted me with a coffee in hand.

"Edward, good morning."

"Good morning, Kate. I was hoping you'd have a moment to look over my dissertation outline. I've revised it."

"Sure. I have an appointment in about an hour but until then I'm free."

I flashed her a smile as I walked beside her to the office.

Seeing her struggle with her coffee, I took it from her so Kate could open the door.

"Thanks." She smiled.

We entered the office where Kate dropped her things and sat down, gesturing for me to do the same. While she started up her computer, we made some small talk.

"So, how have you been? How was your Thanksgiving?" she asked.

I gave her a brief and generic summary without too many specific details and she did the same when I asked her how she had spent her Thanksgiving.

Kate also asked about Bella – curiosity evident - and I shared that we were officially dating which seemed to please her.

We went over my outline. I had time to revise it when Bella was sick and I'd been glued to my computer to make sure I was close by and could watch over her, and Kate seemed content with the changes I made.

"You've been working hard on this," Kate commented.

I nodded.

"I like that you took on my idea to include your own experiences with the Divine; I really think that will give your dissertation more depth."

"I thought about writing a pre- and a post-face to share my personal experiences," I explained. "Maybe like a before and after of some kind."

"That sounds like a good idea. Adding to that you could do the questionnaire and focus on Bella's story; especially since she has an opposite view."

I hadn't really thought of how to bring this up again with Bella. She had agreed to be a part of my dissertation a while ago but agreeing also meant she'd have to share why she was so opposed to religion and everything to do with the Divine.

I wondered if that story was somehow linked to her horrible past.

"I want to interview her; focus on why she doesn't believe in the guidance of the Divine but at the same time try and learn what kind of guidance she does use."

Kate nodded. "I really think you're on the right course with this. You've stepped away from a rather rigid approach that's solely focused on… how do I put it… praising the Divine, if you understand what I mean…"

I shook my head because I didn't understand.

"Well, some people use their dissertation to show how religious they are; like that alone will secure them a place in heaven." She chuckled. "But if you take your dissertation seriously, and I know you do, you can also be critical of some elements of the Divine and look at alternatives, which you're doing by including Bella in yours."

I nodded in understanding now. "I get it."

"You can really make this an amazing thesis, Edward. I know you can."

"I hope so."

* * *

I returned back to my apartment a little after noon, where I found Bella fully dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and my hoodie – which pleased me very much because it felt like I was marking my territory with that, as juvenile as that was – reading a book.

Looking at the cover I noticed it was The Da Vinci Code.

I chuckled because Emmett had given me that book as a gag gift, knowing the multiple theories in the book would bother me.

"What's funny?" Bella wondered as I put my things away.

"That book." I pointed.

Bella's cheeks spilled red. "Sorry, I found it in your closet when I looked for this…" She pulled at the hoodie and then her cheeks flushed even more, although I didn't understand why.

"I'm sorry," she apologized again. "I have no right to grab things from your closet without asking."

I went to sit down next to Bella on the sofa and pulled her to me. "It's fine. The hoodie looks good on you." I smiled.

"And the book… Emmett gave it to me as a joke."

"Why?"

"It's filled with all these… I guess you could call them conspiracy theories and Emmett knows I'd get irritated when reading about that."

Bella nodded. "I imagine you would. I've only read a few chapters and already I'm annoyed with how all over the place the writer seems."

"I'm sorry I didn't have anything else to entertain you with."

Bella flashed me a teasing smile. "Well… you're here now."

I smiled a little and leaned in to press my lips against her forehead.

"How do you feel?"

Bella sighed and pulled away. "You mean health wise or after last night?"

"Both."

"I think my fever is gone, though I haven't checked my temperature to be sure."

"Bella," I scolded her gently. "You're still on antibiotics; it's important to check these things."

Bella rolled her eyes at that. "Yes, Doctor Cullen, let me get nekkid so you can shove…"

She didn't finish and shuddered instead.

I realized she was remembering the night she was raped. I shuddered a little too, trying to repress images of Bella being violated like that.

Another tragedy to add to the pile.

"Not very funny," I said gently as I brushed away a lock of hair.

"No, not funny at all," Bella agreed quietly.

"Okay, so no more fever," I tried to change the subject. "That's good news. How's your ear?"

Bella smiled a little, seemingly relieved I didn't press her about her comment. "The pain is almost gone but now I have this weird beeping sound in my ear. It's very annoying."

"I can imagine. We should go back to the doctor to have it checked out."

Bella shook her head. "I think it's just a side-effect of the ear infection. I'm sure it'll pass in time."

"Okay. How about everything else; how do you feel after last night?"

I wanted to be as open as possible about this; the last thing we needed were more miscommunications. Honesty was the key.

"I'm okay. A little relieved perhaps. I never really told anyone any of that."

"I'm sorry for walking out on you. That was the wrong thing to do. It's not an excuse but I was so angry…" I trailed off.

"I know, I made some stupid mistakes and that I should've never allowed him to… do…"

"Bella, stop!" I interrupted her. "I'm not angry with you! I would never be angry with you for _that_!"

"Then why are you angry?"

"I'm angry that this happened to you. That the people who were supposed to protect you failed to do so…

…I know there's no excuse for me leaving you when you were so upset but I never felt so mad before. It made me violent and I didn't want to scare you."

"Where did you go?"

"I went to see Emmett. I figured he might know what to do or why I was feeling this way."

"And?"

"And I explained to him – without going into detail – why I was angry and he basically told me to go home. He told me my anger was justified – well, based on what little I told him - but that you needed me and that was far more important than stewing in my anger."

"I'm glad you came back," Bella said softly.

"Me too."

"I'm sorry I lied about what happened at that motel. It was stupid," she said.

"I think I understand why you did it but there was nothing to protect me from; I was already head over heels," I whispered as I stroked her cheek.

Bella smiled sheepishly, her eyes glistening with wetness.

"Don't cry," I murmured. "I want to make you happy."

"You do," Bella said before she wrapped her arms around me.

We sat in silence for a while, reveling in each other's company, until Bella broke the silence.

"How's Emmett doing anyway?"

"He's doing better now that Rosalie is coming home."

Bella nodded. "Is he… is she… she's in F-Forks, right?"

Her voice wasn't completely void of emotion but Bella was trying hard to act normal.

"She is. Her parents live there. Emmett was going to pick her up but apparently Rosalie's father is going to drive her here instead."

Bella didn't say anything and seemed lost in thought.

"Can I ask you something?" I said, trying to get her attention.

Bella looked up, her eyes a little dazed.

"Sure."

"Emmett said Forks was kind of bland and boring…"

I wanted Bella to talk about things even if it was hard. I figured that the more she spoke of certain things, the more it could desensitize her. That could be significant in trying to move on. Mostly I just wanted to show Bella she could talk to me, let her know I supported her.

"Has Emmett been there?"

I nodded. "A few times apparently."

"Well, he's right. It's a bland place. I doubt ten years changed that. I guess that's why my dad wanted to live there."

"Why was that?" I asked curiously

Bella took a deep breath.

"He uh… he was a cop in Chicago and moved to Forks after he killed… Aro's son."

"Did he think this Aro would take revenge?"

"Yes. We even had a different name."

"More different names," I said a bit teasingly, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

But Bella didn't smile. She looked pained.

"Yes. More identities." She sighed.

"Is it hard to think about Forks?"

Bella shrugged and I could sense that protective wall going up again to shield her."I don't know. It's just a small town. It shouldn't bother me to think or talk about it."

"But it does?"

"I don't remember much from the town itself. I remember things and places based on how it relates to my emotions."

"Remembering those things or places upsets you?"

"Do you think that's silly?"

I shook my head. How could I find that silly when it made complete sense to have these places affect her?

"Not at all. Would you ever go back?"

Bella frowned and I hoped I hadn't overstepped the very delicate boundaries she was trying to reset a little by letting me in.

"On the one hand, while there are bad memories, there's nothing there to hurt me, nothing to scare me anymore. But at the same time I worry about sounds, smells, locations; anything that might trigger the bad stuff."

That made sense.

"So no, I don't think it would be wise to go back. At least not anytime soon."

"Well, you certainly don't have to," I assured her as I pulled her into the safety of my embrace again.

"There is more…" Bella spoke suddenly, her voice filled with hesitation.

"More?"

"More things about my past. I told you the basics… if that's what you can call all that stuff but there're details… I haven't shared yet."

Details. I was pretty sure I didn't want to know the specifics of what Bella had been through. I'd created pretty vivid images in my head already, but at the same time, if she needed to share, I shouldn't refuse her based on my own anger and fear of knowing no matter how gruesome it might be. I needed to be there for her.

"Details?" I choked out.

"Yes, some not very important, others maybe a little more so," Bella trailed off.

"Well, if you want to tell me, I'll be here to listen…"

Bella shook her head. "I can't… not right now."

"Whenever you feel like it, you know you can talk to me."

She grimaced. "And you promise you won't run again?"

Of course she would think that now. She had trusted me by sharing things that were hard for her to verbalize and I'd run from her.

I took her hands in mine and forced Bella to look at me.

"I swear to you that whenever you feel like sharing, I'll be here to listen to you and comfort you. I won't run again."

"Good," Bella said. "If you do, I'll kick your ass."

"I'm sure you could take me." I chuckled. "And Emmett would cheer you on."

Bella smiled too and didn't hesitate to lean in and press her lips against mine. I wrapped my arms more securely around her as our lips moved in sync. Bella raised to her knees a little to deepen the kiss as her hands slid up to the nape of my neck.

I was a little taken aback when I felt Bella's tongue touch my lips to seek entrance to my mouth. Up until now we hadn't gotten any further than some closed mouth kisses. But I wasn't completely ignorant about the varying degrees of intimacy when it came to kissing, thanks to the times I'd caught Emmett and Rosalie kiss.

And there was something about the way Bella gently pulled at my hair and the feel of her breasts against my chest.

I opened my mouth and allowed Bella to guide this moment since she was more experienced than me.

Bella moved slow and continued kissing me as she slowly touched her tongue to mine. It was a strange feeling for about a second until my tongue started moving by its own volition and started touching Bella's tongue without hesitation.

The combination of holding Bella close and our kisses that were growing more frantic had a rather obvious effect on a certain part of my body.

I could feel the bulge in my jeans growing with every stroke of Bella's tongue against mine and every pull at my hair. Plus, the little moans that escaped Bella's mouth made me tingle all over.

A part of me wanted to pull away but a bigger part – that was seemingly growing bigger still - was enjoying this far too much. Make out sessions with Bella were simply amazing.

I pulled her even closer to me, momentarily not caring whether she could feel my excitement or not and groaned as Bella grabbed my hair a little tighter.

"Edward." She moaned into my mouth and the sound went straight to my crotch.

Eventually, when I really started to get uncomfortable with the way my erection was chafing against my jeans, I had to pull away.

"Wow," Bella said breathlessly. "That was amazing."

I definitely agreed with her but the erratic throbbing in my pants was not only distracting but also a little embarrassing.

"Edward?" she asked, unsure."Are you alright?"

I wanted to reassure Bella but really I wasn't alright. I felt uncomfortable and I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to share. I finally understood why men had the desire to masturbate whether it was for the purpose of relieving tension or reveling in some kind of pleasure.

"I… uh… I…"

Darn, this was hard. Pun intended.

Bella glanced at me, waiting for my answer.

"I have a situation over here," I said, pointing at my crotch while I felt my cheeks burn.

I expected Bella to laugh or joke but instead she took one brief look at where I pointed and then moved to hug me.

"I noticed," she whispered in my ear. "Kind of hard not to. Pun intended."

And then she leaned back and grinned.

I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me but Bella lifted my chin so that I was forced to look at her.

"This is normal you know. For you to feel this way. I know you've felt this before."

_Kill me…_

"Edward?"

"I uh… remember that night when you were high and came over in your… underwear…"

"I remember," Bella said wryly. "Not my finest moment."

"I had never felt that; I called Emmett and he suggested… I touch myself."

"And did you?"

I shook my head, my cheek flaming. "I took a very cold shower…

…that's all I've been doing since."

Bella looked surprised. "You've never masturbated?"

"I… no…"

"Ever?"

"No, not at all," I murmured. "Maybe… I think… once by accident…"

"By accident?" Bella wondered and she seemed slightly amused. "How does one masturbate by accident? Is it like dialing someone with your butt?"

She was really amused now.

"Huh?"

"Never mind, just tell me," Bella said.

"I… it was that night I drove you home after you had dinner at my family for the first time."

"When you practically ran from me?"

I nodded. "I was… aroused and I sort of touched myself and well… I…"

"Came?"

"Yes."

"You had an orgasm because you were thinking about me?"

"Yes."

"Wow, that's… strangely sweet. You know, when we first met… outside the community center… I thought about letting you fu… have sex with me for free."

I frowned, not understanding what she was getting at. It sounded cheap. No pun intended whatsoever.

"I don't understand what you mean," I told her.

"Well, I know you don't like hearing about my past profession but I was never the type who... prostitute who'd get turned on by getting men off. Some women… they have orgasms. But not me, it did nothing for me when I had sex with them…"

While I understood Bella was explaining something, I still grimaced at the graphic nature it made me imagine.

"Anyway, when I first saw you… you got me aroused with those gorgeous, jade eyes… and that jaw." She traced her finger along my stubble before she leaned in to kiss it. "That sexy bronze hair I dreamt of pulling many times," she whispered as she moved her hands into my hair. "Edward, what you feel is normal and I am flattered and kind of happy that I make you feel that way. Unless there are other girls I should know of?" Bella said in mock horror as she pulled back.

I stared at her in shock until her lips curled into a smile.

"You know there aren't," I said. "For you?"

Bella answered me with a sweet kiss.

"Do you need help with uh…" she then suggested, looking at my crotch, which re-intensified the tingling.

"I… no… maybe a cold shower would help?"

It sounded like a question but having Bella touch me would be mortifying. I didn't want her to think I needed her to relieve my sexual tension.

She wasn't my… w…hore.

_She's your girlfriend,_ I reminded myself.

"Edward, I know we are nowhere near ready for any of that, but it wouldn't be weird."

"I know. I just don't want you to think you need to do that."

"Why would I think that?" she wondered."Because this used to be my profession?"

I nodded shyly.

Bella shook her head, letting out a harsh laugh. "I just told you I would have fu- had sex with you for free because I wanted to. Not because I'd get paid for it. I think I wouldn't be offended if you asked me to help you relieve some tension," she chided me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume. I just want to treat you right."

I'd be truly damned if I ever treated her like all the previous men in her life had. I had to do better. Much better.

Bella's frown faded and her smile returned. "You're already miles ahead," she whispered before she kissed me again.

* * *

**A/N: ****First off, real life is hectic so this chapter is a little late. My wonderful BETA Parama is currently on holiday but she still did her BETA "duty" so this chapter is out thanks to her dedication! **

**About last chapter: many of you were pissed at Edward (and justifiably so) and some might still be pissed after this chapter. That's fine. I don't necessarily want to redeem his actions, they've been done. You either (sort of) understand or you don't, just like you would in a RL situation. No right or wrong there.**

**The same goes for those of you who were disappointed at the "big reveal" It would be foolish for me to defend the way I presented it, because it was a choice I consciously made. I do want to say thank you for sharing criticism. I value your opinion. **

**One more thing I want to address: I've received a few comments saying there are a few discriminating elements in certain earlier chapters, particularly Emmett's love for Shaquille O'Neal and certain responses from Rosalie. I respect people pointing it out but I have not written character responses with that in mind at all. I can see how it COULD be interpreted and apologize for possibly causing insults. That being said, I stand with what I've written.**

**Okay, having addressed all these things, I want to emphasize that every review matters to me, including the ones pointing things out like the issues mentioned above. Please keep the words coming! T****hank you to everyone who reads and/or reviews, recs and enjoys this story!**

**I am collaborating in a couple of awesome Countdowns, starting with one for Halloween (But also Thanksgiving and Christmas) and there are wonderful authors participating. More info here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7348457/1/ **

**Have a good week!**


	38. Jezebella

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and PottymouthBella. **

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 36: JEZEBELLA**

"You two are completely grossing me out!"

_Smack._

"What the…"

"Emmett!"

"Baby, you hit me!"

"You were about to say a bad word!"

"Are they arguing?" Edward whispered against my lips.

"Could be," I murmured, moving my lips from Edward's no more than a few millimeters so I could answer his question.

We were sitting in Emmett and Rosalie's cozy living room and the instant they had left for the kitchen to make coffee, Edward had planted his lips on mine to steal a kiss.

The moment our lips had touched, a simple kiss had turned into the need to nip and suck, the frenzy to touch tongues together and well, a fresh make out session had been born and it had sucked us into our own private bubble.

So when Emmett had walked in on the sight of his brother and I making out, Edward and I had been too preoccupied to notice him until the movement of Rosalie's hand against the back of her husband's head had echoed through the room, effectively snapping us out of it.

"We're not arguing," Emmett huffed. "I just prefer to see you two keep your lips to yourselves for more than a minute."

Rosalie had come back into the room carrying a tray with steaming mugs of coffee and a plate filled with the chocolate chip cookies I had brought over. Emmett took it from her and placed it on the table.

"Don't mind him." Rosalie smiled. "He's just jealous."

Emmett rolled his eyes but smiled at his wife as she handed him his coffee. So far, it seemed they were doing fine, at least on the outside. Their behavior didn't seem strained or uneasy but maybe they wanted it to look that way on purpose.

Rosalie had returned home a week ago and it looked like everything had gone back to normal for them. She had returned to work as a school teacher and welcomed the help of Angela at Emmett's business because it gave her extra time to prepare her lessons now that she no longer needed to assist Emmett.

I'd even met up with Rosalie for lunch last Saturday because according to her we were sisters in law now and it was appropriate to have lunch and stuff. I wasn't completely sure how I felt about her definition of familiarity but if it appeased Rosalie, I wouldn't argue it.

She smiled a lot for sure but I knew all about hiding behind a fucking mask. On the surface she was her old self again but I had no doubt there were lifelong scars on her soul. During our lunch date, I'd seen her get lost in thought a few times but then when she'd caught me looking, she'd flash me a perfect smile, like nothing was wrong.

But I knew better. The pain she felt at losing their baby might eventually fade but probably not until another baby would be on the way.

Edward had told me that Emmett worried about that; that Rosalie might want another baby soon as some sort of a substitute. That was one of the reasons they were going into counseling.

I'd tried to offer Rosalie a shoulder, hoping to be subtle about it by telling her she could talk to me if she wanted or needed to, but so far she hadn't taken me up on my offer.

"Jealous," Emmett muttered, snapping me out of my thoughts. "There's no way I'm jealous of Izzy. She is stuck with my boring brother. Who'd be jealous of that?"

"_Izzy?_ Really Emmett?" Edward asked. "I thought we had agreed to not make up ridiculous nicknames for Bella anymore…"

Izzy was Emmett's equivalent of "sister in law", meaning that now that I was dating his brother, I was like a sister and he had the right to call me Izzy. Edward hated it. I didn't know if it had anything to do with jealousy because he wanted to keep all nicknames to himself – not that he ever used one, I was simply "Bella" or "My Bella" - or if he wanted to protect me from possible embarrassment or irritation because Emmett never stuck with one nickname but made endless variations, some more annoying than others.

"You said no nicknames. I ignored you and decided on Izzy." Emmett grinned. "You know I rarely listen to you, little bro."

It was sort of nice to see Emmett have some of his bravado back. He did seem back into much better spirits now that his wife had returned home.

But he too hid behind a façade; that of the big, happy oaf, and occasionally I could see worry linger in his eyes when he would look at Rosalie. Maybe counseling would be a good thing for them. Even if they played pretend only a little it didn't seem very constructive if there were all these pent up emotions they weren't dealing with.

"Emmett, stop teasing! Have a cookie," Rosalie suggested as she held out the plate of cookies to him. "Bella made them," she added with a smile.

"It's no big deal." I shrugged when Emmett bit off a piece and started to grunt before he stuffed the entire thing in his mouth again.

"We sell them at the bakery. I just asked Maggie if I could make an extra batch to take home."

"So delicious," he said with a mouth full which earned him another playful slap from Rosalie.

"Edward, you're going to get fat with all these treats Izzy makes."

"I'll be fine," Edward said, his eyes on me before he grabbed a cookie himself. Unlike his brother he took small and proper bites, smiling with fucking delight every time our eyes met.

"Guess you'll have to make sure you get enough exercise," Emmett winked at his brother which caused Edward to nearly choke on his cookie.

"Nice going, Emmett," I scoffed while I gently patted Edward's back. "Are you trying to kill my boyfriend?"

Emmett shrugged and grabbed another cookie. "I was just suggesting exercise to burn off any extra calories. It's not my fault if my brother's mind is a little pervy."

Pervy? Edward? The boy didn't even know how to masturbate. And as much as I loved his innocence, I had to wonder how we were ever going to get to the point where he could freely touch himself or allow me to assist in finding some sexual relief. If he didn't feel comfortable doing that, there was no way we'd ever be able to have actual sex.

We would definitely have to work on that. Not that we were anywhere near ready for that but we'd get to that at some point.

"Okay, let's change the subject, shall we?" Rosalie intervened. "Esme will be here soon and then we can find ourselves some pretty dresses."

Pretty dresses, right. There was no escaping this shopping trip I'd been dreading all week.

Seeing how genuinely excited Edward had been when I had told him I'd been invited to a shopping trip with his mother and Rosalie, I hadn't had the heart to tell him how much I hated shopping, so instead I'd plastered a smile on my face whenever he'd brought it up.

The pretty dresses were necessary for the hospital charity event that was taking place next weekend. And then the week after that was Christmas, New Year and then…

My looming court date.

I shuddered at thinking of how one fucking judge could ruin the happiness I had found in the past few months with his ruling.

We'd met with James Brandon early in the week and he'd been surprised and pleased with my progress. Doctor Carmen had offered to testify on my behalf as an expert witness, should it be necessary and Maggie and Edward could be brought in as character witnesses.

James was convinced that the worst case scenario would be probation and perhaps a fine, that with my recent behavioral changes and the people who were willing to testify on my behalf he had a solid enough case to keep me out of jail.

I really hoped he was right.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked me quietly.

Of course, nothing went past him, not with him watching me intently all the time. It was like he could read my mind sometimes.

"It's nothing," I assured him.

"Is it the shopping?" he wondered. "I know you're not looking forward to it."

My face fell as I realized I hadn't been able to fool him with my fake enthusiasm. Now he would think I didn't want to spend time with his family. That wasn't it at all. I just didn't look forward to crowded malls and being scrutinized by people, even if half of that was only in my head because I worried people could sense the invisible "tramp stamp" on my forehead.

"I don't like overcrowded shops," I told him. "But it's a small price to pay to look nice for you." I added with a smile.

Unfortunately, it was a bigger price to pay for a decent dress. I had asked Maggie for a small advance on my paycheck and luckily she had agreed, but without knowing where Esme and Rosalie liked to shop I had to dig out an old credit card I hoped still worked. It had been an emergency card I had hardly ever used, except for when I'd needed a very particular outfit for one of my returning clients. There had been a few who'd had specific wishes and had conducted "business" in the actual comfort of a decent hotel instead of out on the streets.

People with money who'd ended up at Cowgirls. But that didn't happen often.

Edward returned my smile and touched my cheek. "It's just a few hours. And then tomorrow you and I will have our first official date."

Now that was something I did look forward to even though I had no clue what we were going to be doing.

"You're still not going to tell me where we're going?"

Edward grinned. "It's a surprise, I told you."

I sighed. "Yes, and I told you I hate surprises."

Edward looked at me and frowned. Then he took my hand and placed a gentle kiss on it. "It's nothing bad, I promise."

I smiled to reassure him. Ever since I had told him about my past, Edward had gotten worried about saying or doing things that might affect me by triggering bad memories.

"I know; I've never liked surprises. It's probably an issue with losing control and having to surrender myself to whatever someone else is planning."

"You're still staying over tonight, right?"

"I definitely am." I smiled.

Edward leaned in to brush his lips against mine until the sound of his mother's voice sounding from the kitchen made me pull away.

Edward looked at me questioningly for a moment but decided to let it go when his mother entered the living room.

"Edward, Bella!" she greeted us both as she came over to kiss both our cheeks.

"Hi Mom," Edward greeted her.

"Esme." I nodded with a smile.

"I'm so happy you've fully recovered from that nasty infection, Bella. It seems to be going around. Carlisle has treated more than a dozen kids last week."

"It was definitely nasty," I agreed. "But Edward took good care of me," I added with a smile.

"You would make a good doctor," Esme commented to her son. It was quite a random statement and there was no reproach or anything in her voice but Edward grimaced at his mother's suggestion.

Clearly he felt uncomfortable. I had to wonder why. Was he embarrassed because his mother was indirectly pointing out how well aware she was of the recent changes in her son's life and possible future?

Edward and I had never really talked about what our relationship meant for his future as a priest in detail.

Yes, he was in love with me. Yes, I managed to give him boners – _yay me_, and there was a chance we'd spend our future together but the fact remained Edward had wanted to become a priest for a long time and my presence in his life right now didn't necessarily eliminate that future.

He could still be a priest after we'd break up. And he himself had said that whatever his decision on the matter would be, it had nothing to do with us. And that's what he wanted to focus on for now.

But still… was it realistic to stick your head in the sand and put one future on hold to explore another only to revert back to the first choice if the second wasn't going to pan out? Was that what Edward was doing, perhaps subconsciously?

I frowned at the thought and how the idea burned in my chest. I didn't even want to fucking consider it. Maybe it was simply that he found the notion of becoming a doctor a stupid one because he had no desire to be a doctor.

"Bella, are you ready to go?"

I shook my head to shake the bad thoughts and found Rosalie and Esme looking at me with intensity and a hint of curiosity.

I turned to Edward and found his face was full of worry.

"I'm ready." I smiled before I rose. Edward helped me up by letting his hand rest on the small of my back.

"You'll be fine," he said before his lips found mine, causing more gag noises from Emmett.

"Oh hush," Esme admonished her eldest son. "You and Rosalie were no better when you first started dating."

Somehow, that acknowledgement made me fucking smile.

It was acceptance.

* * *

"I'm thinking dusty rose or baby blue," Rosalie pondered as she described the color of a possible dress to Esme.

"Oh, that would be nice. That peach colored dress you had on last year was lovely as well."

I didn't feel like an outsider. I enjoyed their talk because I knew it meant a lot to both to re-connect this way after everything that had happened. It was clear Esme was very relieved to have Rosalie home again.

On the way to the Pacific Place mall, Rosalie had been very chatty and one exchanged look between Esme and me via the rearview mirror had told me how happy that had made her.

Rosalie really welcomed this trip as a part of getting back to normal.

We were at Ann Taylor and there were dresses everywhere. It reminded me of the stores Aro had taken Renee and me to in Rome, New York and London. I pushed back the discomfort I felt and tried to breathe steadily by thinking of Edward. I wanted to look pretty for him; that was my goal. It would be a fucking big deal for him to show up at this event with an actual date for the first time and surely people would look and talk. I wanted to make him proud.

"Bella what do you think?" Rosalie asked me with a smile.

I blinked and stared at the dress she was holding up. It was long and had a halter top cut. It was a soft dusty rose color.

It was beautiful but I wondered how well it would fare with her skin tone and honey blonde hair.

"It's beautiful, Rosalie," I told her because it was. But I wondered if this specific color would make her look washed out.

"But?" she said with a soft smile. "You don't like it?"

"No, no I do," I rushed to say. "But I think a bold color might work better with your skin tone and your hair. And you have amazing and piercing blue eyes, Rosalie… maybe something in red or emerald green?"

"Emerald green?" Rosalie grinned. "Kind of like a certain young fella's eyes?"

I rolled my eyes but remained playful. "His eyes are more like a jade color."

"My, my, Bella," Esme chimed in teasingly. "You've studied my son quite extensively."

I smiled sheepishly and ignored their amusement. "I still think you would do better with a strong bold color, Rosalie."

Rosalie's smile grew curious and a little unsure. That was new because when it came to her looks – her supermodel good looks - Rosalie had always seemed pretty confident in a non-arrogant way.

"Really?"

"Yes," I said as I looked around until my eyes fell on a rack with burgundy red dresses.

There was one that caught my eye in particular; it was strapless and had a fishtail hem. I could definitely picture Rosalie in this with some matching shoes and perhaps an equally bold color in lipstick.

I took it from the rack and held it up for Rosalie to see. "How about this one?"

Rosalie looked at it, a small blush creeping up her cheeks. "Oh, I don't know Bella. It's quite daring."

"It's a lovely fabric," Esme commented as her fingers trailed the delicate silk. "And the color is very rich and would compliment your skin tone."

"But… it's so bare. Strapless and all. I would hate to…"

"….create a nipple-gate?" I winked, causing Rosalie to blush even deeper.

"Bella Swan, I'm a decent and proper girl," she said teasingly but as soon as the words had left her mouth, she clamped her hand over it, shocked and assuming she had somehow insulted me.

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that," she started apologizing. "I just meant to say that I'm not sure if a dress like that would make me feel comfortable."

"It's fine," I waved her off. "You should wear what you want to; what makes you feel good."

"You should try it on, Rosalie," Esme suggested. "To be honest I'm quite curious to see how it looks on you."

Rosalie hesitated for a moment but then a smile crept onto her face. "I have to admit I'm kind of curious myself," she admitted sheepishly before she took the dress from me and disappeared into a dressing room.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Esme turned to me. "That was very nice of you. To step in like that and compliment her. Rosalie has always been very confident but since she lost the baby she seems to doubt herself with everything."

"I didn't mean to impose," I said. "If she doesn't want to wear it, she shouldn't."

"But she can't decide without trying it on first," Esme said softly.

"I just hope she doesn't feel pressured."

"I doubt that, dear. I think as soon as she sees herself in the mirror she might change her mind." Esme smiled knowingly as she gently turned me around in the direction of where Rosalie had went.

The first thing I noticed was my tall, supermodel look alike, sort of sister in law – per her words – looking like she had just gotten off a catwalk. The dress fit her perfectly and she managed to make walking in a dress with a fishtail hem look very graceful, even though she wasn't wearing any heels and the dress sort of dragged on behind her because it lacked a little volume.

"Rosalie, Bella was right. This does so much more for you than a pastel tinted dress."

"Really?"

I nodded. "You look amazing."

Rosalie stepped in front of the mirror and studied herself from every angle until slowly she started to see what we wear seeing.

"I do look… nice," she said, an unsure smile forming on her lips.

"Nice." Esme snorted. "Sweetheart, you're a vision!"

Again I agreed and Rosalie's smile was getting wider.

"I still don't know if it is not too much. I don't usually wear anything strapless. It's… a lot of shoulder and neckline."

"Well, you could solve that with a wrap," Esme suggested. "You wouldn't actually need one. Unlike some people who believe promiscuity is a good fashion trend to follow," she winked.

We all fell silent for a moment but then Esme realized her gaffe and much like Rosalie she started to apologize.

"Oh Bella, I am so sorry. I was not referring to you. It's just there are these two nurses at the hospital and every year they try to show off certain parts of their body in the most embarrassing ways."

In many ways Esme and Rosalie were more innocent than me, or rather they assumed they were, but the reality was that while I had obvious experience in some areas that didn't necessarily mean I was experienced all together. And I hated how they felt like they had to walk on egg shells with me whenever they made a reference to being sexy. Like I, the girl currently in jeans, a v-neck sweater and purple chucks, defined all that was sexy...

"Look, you don't have to worry about insulting me every time you bring something up that's related to decent or indecent behavior, proper clothing or anything that suggests something sexual."

Esme and Rosalie looked at me guiltily and I flashed them a reassuring smile. "Just relax. I know who I am and I don't feel challenged or personally referred to when you say something like that. I am aware of my past but that doesn't mean I am some sort of a sexual deviant. I mean, do I look like one?" I ended my rant with a wink.

Rosalie came over to hug me. "I'm sorry Bella; we didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

Esme chimed in. "Please don't think that's all we see in you. Your past is not what defines you," she said and then proceeded to hug us both.

It would have been a nice and lovely fucking moment had it not been for the scraping of someone's throat behind us.

We turned to find one of the store clerks look at us intently. She was short, her uniform was too big on her, and had ice-blonde hair. Her grey eyes looked cold. At first we all assumed she was there to help us but instead she gave me a dirty look before she spoke, her voice even and filled with ice.

"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

It was one of those moments where I was fucking speechless and clueless to boot. I couldn't even make up a clever nickname like I usually did with types like her. I just stood there, not understanding why I had to leave.

But before I could ask for a reason, Rosalie beat me to it.

"Excuse me? Why should we leave?"

I noticed how she included Esme and herself in that sentence but that was not exactly what the female clerk had referred to.

"Oh no, not you two, Miss. Just this one," she clarified by pointing at me.

She made it sound like I was no more than a piece of gum on her shoe. An annoyance unworthy of proper store-etiquette.

Esme stepped forward, her voice cool, matching that of the girl.

"There is no reason to single one of us out. You better explain right away why she should leave."

If the girl felt intimidated she certainly didn't show it. "The manager request it. She turned to point out a man in a grey suit who was standing behind the counter. His muddy brown eyes were on me.

It took me a second but then I recognized him.

The guy from that motel. R…oss…Ralph…Randy.

Fuck.

Of course he wouldn't want a whore in his store. You could take the girl off the streets but the big fat red stamp on her forehead would be permanent.

Once a whore, always a whore. Even Rosalie and Esme had a hard time with trying to act naturally around me, so worried they'd step on my fucking toes whenever they brought up any form of promiscuity that had nothing to do with me.

Looking at the three women surrounding me; two worried with eyes filled with questions while the third looking at me like I was something dirty, I realized that no matter how hard I tried to be normal, to fit in and leave my past behind, it would always have a way of catching up with me.

I looked in the direction of where Randy was standing. I could tell he was pretending to ignore me while still keeping track of my every move from where he was standing.

Giving him a quick once-over, I noticed how fucking mundane he looked in the daylight and with a suit on. This guy, the manager in a women's clothing store, had come to a strip club to get his rocks off. I had no idea if he was married or in a relationship and that was irrelevant. The fact remained he had willingly come to the club, he had relished in the attention I'd given him, he had wanted the sex I'd offered him and yet around here in the real world, in _his_ real world, I was the one who had to be cast out. I was the one who couldn't be seen here. The evil temptress that used sex to force men to break laws by clouding their judgment and leaving them with no level of responsibility whatsoever.

I was Jezebel.

"It's okay, I'll go," I said, feeling defeated and angry at the same time.

Rosalie and Esme stood there for a moment until Rosalie rushed back to the dressing room - probably to change, calling out she'd meet us outside.

I deliberately walked past the counter and greeted Randy with a broad smile, which I knew would raise some questions.

I didn't feel triumphant when I walked out of the store with Esme following close behind.

All I felt was shame. In that moment, I was the teenage girl who'd been ashamed to wear virginal white at mass knowing what the man next to her did to her at night.

Once a whore, always a fucking whore.

I simply couldn't escape it.

"Bella?" Esme called out, forcing me to halt my firm and frustrated steps. "We have to wait for Rosalie, dear."

"Right, sorry," I whispered before I moved to stand against the railing in front of the store, waiting for Rosalie to come out.

"I don't think I have ever seen someone act so rude," Esme murmured as she stood next to me, both of us looking down from the fourth floor platform that overlooked the center of the shopping mall.

"I have," I said. "Plenty of times."

Esme turned to look at me, her green eyes soft; a lovely reminder of her son, _my boyfriend._

I missed him so fucking much in that moment. I needed his arms to protect me, his whispers to reassure me and his lips to desire me in a normal and healthy way.

"You know, people talk and judge very easily," Esme said.

"Tell me about it."

"But only we can decide for ourselves who we are and how we want people to see us, Bella."

I looked at her but remained silent.

"If you don't want to be what you think people see you as, show them they're wrong."

It sounded simple but Esme was wrong about something very crucial. I was exactly what people thought of me.

Jezebel.

Or at least I used to be. An idiot like Randy might have abused his power to deal with his own fear of being found out and have his perfectly plain and neutral façade be crushed, but ultimately, he'd succeeded in getting rid of me because of his position.

But if I had been a model citizen to begin with,he wouldn't have had a reason to know me, nor kick me out of his store.

"I respect what you're trying to say but you have to know that the reason I just got kicked out of that store was because I spent one evening with the manager; the guy behind the counter…

…I'm sure you understand what I mean by 'spent the evening'…"

I wasn't sure if I should mention the role her son had played that fateful night but thinking I had nothing to lose, I went for so called "broke."

"I was at Jasper's bar and I picked him up for sex."

Esme grimaced but nodded for me to go on.

"And had it not been for Edward, I would have had sex with him. But he stopped me and demanded I would not waste my progress on that loser. But you see, I can pretend I am normal and do my best to change but at the end of the day, a guy like that is allowed to get his freak on and seek out strippers and whores, and I – someone who technically provided that need like his store provides clothing; supply and demand - will always be the outcast, the one to be kicked out of stores."

"That man is a coward then," Esme said firmly.

"Like I told you and Rosalie before, I know who I am and what I have done. I know that change doesn't happen magically and I want to work for it. But at moments like these I feel incompetent and not worthy." I sighed.

"Let me tell you a story, dear," Esme said before she took a glance at the entrance of the store. When she was satisfied Rosalie was not about to appear she led me to a bench a little farther away and gestured for me to sit.

"I was seventeen when my mother had 'the talk' with me," she started, whispering slightly.

The talk? Esme was going to talk about sex with me? I didn't know what emotion weighed heavier: embarrassment or a strange sense of gratitude for the fact she was about to share something so personal.

"Now, back in those days people were all about the hippie age, love and peace etcetera. Lots of people were mellow about sex and such. My parents were Catholic but they weren't too strict…

…for instance my mother didn't necessarily expect me to remain a virgin until I got married as long as I found a nice boy and my father… well... I doubt he wanted me to be promiscuous but with him it was mostly see no evil, hear no evil as long as I stayed out of trouble. I guess they trusted me in some way…"

I listened intently, not exactly knowing what Esme's point would be.

"Bella, when I met Carlisle I wasn't an innocent girl. I had done things he had never done… _sexually._ Technically I was still a virgin but let's just say I knew more about male anatomy than he did about the female body. And he was studying to become a doctor no less…"

"Okay?" I said, confused.

"My point is, I had to adapt. Here I was, more unrestrained than Carlisle who had much stronger ties to the Church than me. The first time I met his parents they looked at me like I was Jezebel in the flesh."

I stared at Edward's mother, trying to decipher what she said and why she was sharing this with me. I was surprised that she too had once felt like Jezebel. It wasn't what I had pictured her to be. I'd expected her to be more like Rosalie when she met her future husband.

"Carlisle became a doctor and a deacon – a compromise he had made with his father because he wanted to marry me - but he also had to devote time to the Church and the Catholic community he belonged to."

"How did… Carlisle…" I swallowed at using his name since I had never done that before, "respond when he realized you had a bit more uh… life experience."

"He was surprisingly accepting, mostly because he had never considered getting married so he'd never deeply thought about what kind of wife he wanted. Falling in love with me happened when he never expected it, so it took him off guard. I think his father influenced him a lot before I came along and to appease Carlisle and make it easier I adopted much of the devout lifestyle he carried after we married. "

"Do you regret that?"

"I still have my own likes and opinions. I'm not a meekly 'follow along' wife in our own home but at important functions at Church or the hospital I take a backseat and behave accordingly because I respect my husband and his reputation."

"Does Edward know about that?"

Esme smiled. "It's no secret but before you came along Edward was a lot like his father. I just want you to know that I understand how you feel to some extent."

"Thank you for sharing." I smiled and Esme surprised me by leaning in and giving me a hug. "You'll do fine Bella. You seem to make my son very happy and for that I am thankful. I have never seen him so alive before."

I gave her another smile, relieved that she didn't seem bothered by what had happened at the store and also that she truly seemed okay with me dating her son. I wondered if her husband would ever be as wiling and if she would or ever had called him out on his behavior.

"He makes me happy too." I beamed.

We sat there smiling and looking around until a sheepish looking Rosalie emerged from the store with two bags in her hands.

"I'm sorry it took so long and that I bought a dress despite the fact they treated you horribly," she started apologizing.

"It's fine." I shrugged it off. Rosalie wasn't responsible for the way people judged me nor should she have to suffer because of it.

"I did tell the clerk and the manager he was rude though and that I would take this up with his boss."

"Rosalie, it's fine. Let's just forget about it. Now, which one did you buy?"

Rosalie's lips stretched into a smile. "The red one."

* * *

We spent another few hours at the mall. After Rosalie had found her dress, we still had to find one for Esme and myself.

Esme succeeded rather quickly. She found a cognac colored dress with a boat neck and capped sleeves that looked very elegant and respectable. Perfect for a doctor slash deacon's wife. Rosalie missed the wink Esme gave me when she was showing it off.

I was last to find something and that was mostly because none of the dresses I'd seen really appealed to me. I had thought about looking for something in a jade green but that color was not only hard to find, it also seemed a bit cheesy to wear something that matched the color of Edward's eyes.

It was getting near closing time and after spending so much time around the mall, my feet were killing me. I was sure I was starting to look difficult by rejecting the dresses Esme and Rosalie had pointed out or brought over so far but then, just as I was about to give up, my eye caught a midnight blue sleeveless dress with a high neckline and a deep V cut back.

While it looked demure and basic in the front, the revealing back made it quite risqué. Despite the worry about what people might think, I fell in love with it instantly. It also didn't hurt it wasn't as expensive as I'd expected. I could match it with some black heels and a satin black wrap I still had lying around somewhere in my closet.

Both Esme and Rosalie agreed that this was the perfect dress for me when I had tried it on.

After an entire day of shopping, we decided to head back home, especially after Rosalie had been called by Emmett several times.

"He's such a baby." She had sighed. "No offence, Esme."

"None taken. When Emmett doesn't get fed in time he gets very impatient. He's much like his father. Edward seems to be more self-sufficient." She winked at me which was ironic because he could barely fry an egg.

We remained quiet for the rest of the drive because we were all tired and I said a quick goodbye to the women when Esme dropped me off at Edward's apartment.

I made my way up - almost tripping a few times, and ran into of Edward's neighbors, eighty year old Mrs. Runner when I got to the second floor.

"My my girl, that's some shopping you've done!" she shouted with a smile. Edward had told me she was practically deaf and couldn't herself talking well, so she had to raise her voice. Other then that she had declared herself a spring chicken and she did seem very vital and young with the way she still went up and down the stairs every day.

"Hello, Mrs. Runner!" I greeted her just as loudly. "How are you?"

"Fine, dear! You here to see young Edward?"

I smiled proudly and nodded.

"Well, go up then! He's been so much more cheerful since he has a lady friend!"

I chuckled at the word "lady friend."

"You have a nice evening, Mrs. Runner!" I told her before going up to the third floor.

Arriving at Edward's door, I had to take a few deep breaths, thinking to myself that Mrs. Runner seemed to be in better shape than me.

I knocked once. That was enough.

Edward didn't hesitate when he opened the door and found me on the other side, carrying a butt load of bags.

"My mother left?"

"Apparently your brother and dad need their women home after barely surviving the entire day without them." I chuckled.

He took the bags and put them on the floor before grabbing me and pulling me into his arms.

"That goes for me too. I missed you." Edward smiled against my lips before he softly pressed his mouth to mine.

"Missed you too." I sighed happily, relieved and content to be in his arms. "How was your day with Emmett and your dad?"

While us girls had spent the day shopping, Edward, Emmett and Doctor Deacon had done charitable work. Doctor Deacon's hospital had a playground that needed a few new play things like a slide and a see-saw so Emmett had generously provided the material and coordinated the build. Edward and his father had volunteered by helping to construct the items.

"It was fine. There were plenty of people helping. It was nice to make those sick children happy."

Edward smiled a little but I could tell he was thinking about those kids. I gave him a comforting squeeze and kissed his cheek.

"It must have been hard to see them like that."

He nodded. "For some of them a new playground won't even make a difference because they won't get to see it anyway; that kind of scares me."

"Kids shouldn't have to die," I said solemnly.

Another nod before he buried his nose in my hair, inhaling deeply. "It's so unfair to see those children smiling and still happy, knowing they'll never have a future. But at the same time, I feel very blessed myself. Is that a bad thing?"

I held him a little tighter. "No I don't think so. I think we're lucky."

Edward pulled back a little to look me in the eye. "With everything you've been through, you still believe you're lucky?"

I nodded. How could I not? I'd known a life that had been nothing short of fucking hell but Edward was my savior. My angel.

And he made me feel alive. Happy. So, I was lucky.

"Of course," I stated once more for emphasis. "You make me very happy."

That made Edward smile widely. "You make me very happy as well. Very, very happy," he said before he leaned in to kiss me.

The kiss was slow, nothing but some nipping and teasing of our lips. Just little pecks with no tongue. We were savoring and celebrating the moment. Edward hummed softly when I moved my hands into his hair and started playing with it softly while his arms held me a little closer.

Eventually I pulled away, both of us breathless.

"I'll never get tired of that." I sighed contently, which made Edward glow with pride and fucking happiness. I loved seeing him so happy and relaxed.

"Me neither."

"Are you hungry?" I asked as I grabbed the shopping bags and placed them out of Edward's line of sight before he could take a peek. "I could make us something quick."

Food would distract him from becoming curious.

"A Bella meal? Yes please!" he cheered. "Do you need help in the kitchen?"

"Maybe a little. For the most part you can stand there and look pretty so I can ogle you."

Edward blushed a little. "You think I'm pretty?"

"Pretty handsome, yes." I smiled before I entered his kitchen to scout for something edible to make.

I rummaged through the fridge and pulled out eggs, smoked salmon and two tomatoes.

What would have felt weird just a few weeks ago was quite natural now. I moved around Edward's apartment with comfort and ease. Like it was home.

"What are you making?" Edward asked, as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

"A smoked salmon omelet," I said.

"But you hate salmon," Edward argued.

I shrugged. "And you love it. I'll just make one side with tomatoes, so I won't have to eat the salmon."

"I still can't believe you hate salmon." Edward chuckled. "Seattle is basically Salmon City. It's cultural blasphemy to dislike it."

"Well," I pointed out, "technically I'm not a Seattle girl. And Forks doesn't really have a signature dish. Veggie burgers and berry cobbler don't count."

The words escaped me more freely than I'd expected. I had never spoken about Forks with such ease before and even though I felt the ghost of a once crippling pain, it wasn't as hard to be casual as it used to be before.

Sharing things with Edward had really helped me.

"Berry cobbler?" Edward asked curiously. "Is that what you liked as a little girl?"

I bit my lips to gain some composure, but sadness was slowly making my eyes water and my chest hurt. I hadn't had berry cobbler in so long and talking about it so casually had opened a door for Edward to ask about it and that was fucking confrontational.

Edward observed my building distress with a pained look on his face. He gently pulled me into his arms to soothe me.

"You don't have to tell me," he whispered softly.

But I did. I needed to share these things with him and I wanted to. That was the only way it would eventually hurt less.

"I had it with my dad sometimes. There was this local diner in Forks where he used to spend his evenings, probably because he wanted to stay away from my mother. Sometimes he'd take me with him and when he did I'd always have berry cobbler for dessert."

"Do you still like it?"

I shook my head against Edward's chest. "I haven't had it since I was five. I don't even know how I'd feel about tasting it again."

"I'm sorry it makes you feel bad," Edward murmured as he pulled away. "I could order some food; you don't have to cook if you're not up for it."

I wiped away the wetness under my eyes and pecked his lips softly. "I want to."

I untangled myself from his embrace and started working on the omelet while Edward watched me intently.

"I'm fine," I muttered when his stare started to unnerve me.

Edward chuckled. "Don't mind me. I'm just standing here looking pretty." I looked up to find him batting his eyelashes exaggeratedly with his lips in a big pout and had to laugh at that.

"That's my girl." Edward beamed. "I love your smile."

I beamed back at him and I noticed how his expression became curious, almost as if he was trying to figure something out.

I wanted to ask him if he was okay but then he seemed to snap out of it, so I refocused on chopping the tomatoes and the salmon.

"So, how was your day? Did my mother and Rosalie behave?"

I nodded. "They were very welcoming."

"I noticed how you muffled those bags away quickly; I take it that's a subtle hint I can't take a peek at what kind of dress you bought?"

I shook my head. "I want it to be a surprise."

"Fair enough. Though I'm sure you'll look stunning."

"Speaking of stunning, Rosalie got a great dress, Emmett is going to love it. I'm sure it'll bring back some of their romance."

"Yes? Well, they need a little romance. Emmett said they're having their first therapy session next week and he's kind of nervous. The charity ball might be a nice distraction."

"I think she'll be a nice distraction." I winked.

I worked in silence for a bit, adding the salmon and the tomatoes, plus some herbs into the egg mixture in the skillet, stirring gently until it started to set.

I found a loaf of garlic bread and put it in the small oven for a few minutes to bake it, all under Edward's watchful eye.

"You're not going to tell me?" Edward suddenly asked, breaking the comfortable silence between us.

Thinking he was still talking about the dress, I shook my head. "I told you the dress is a surprise. So no peeking, Edward. I mean it," I said sternly.

"I'm not talking about the dress. I'm talking about what happened at the dress store."

I looked up at him in surprise. "How did you…?"

"Emmett called Rosalie to check up on her and she told him something went down in the store. He told me."

"Why didn't you say something sooner?" I asked.

"I was waiting for you to bring it up. So what happened?"

I took a deep breath. "Look, it's no big deal. The store clerk asked me to leave, per request of the manager."

Edward's eyes went wide and then he frowned. "That's absurd. Why?"

"The manager is Randy."

Edward gave me a blank look.

"Randy?"

He didn't seem to remember.

"The guy from the motel," I reminded him, embarrassed to see his cheeks flush; whether it was with anger or because he'd seen the guy naked and ready to fuck me, I couldn't exactly tell.

"He wanted you to leave his store?"

I nodded.

"And you did?" Edward asked, his voice suddenly hard and made of ice.

"What choice did I have? I didn't want to make a scene."

Edward shook his head, his mouth tense. I could see he was trying to stay calm.

"He had no right to do that. You should've stayed put. You had as much right as anyone else to shop there."

I was starting to get pissed at Edward and his naivety. He should know better.

"Newsflash Edward, it doesn't matter if he had a right to do it; he did it."

"Because you let him. The old Bella would have given him a colorful piece of her mind!"

He didn't sound really accusatory but somehow he did make it sound that way. "You'd rather I'd chewed him out in front of your mother and your sister in law? In my 'colorful' language and embarrass them?"

Before Edward could say anything I continued. "It was embarrassing for me, Edward. It was like I was some sort of a social leper and I felt so much shame when that clerk told me I had to go but your mother and Rosalie could stay. And then when I had to explain to your mother why I was asked to leave…"

"You told her?" Edward asked in surprise. "What did she say?"

"She was very gracious and accepting about it. She also shared some stories about when she and your father first met and how she was also sort of an outcast back then because she wasn't as devout a Catholic as your dad."

"I see. Look Bella…"

"No Edward, let me finish. You can't have it both ways. You can't ask me to change and expect to whip out the old Bella when necessary. I'm not a flipping bi-polar."

Edward chuckled at that and apparently it made him decide to throw proper arguing etiquette out the window because he gathered me into his arms before I could fucking protest.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like it was your fault. I just hate how that guy and the situation made you feel."

"It's bound to happen to someone with a past like me. People seem to have a radar for that kind of thing."

"People are prejudiced," Edward murmured against my temple.

I hugged him once more before I pulled away. "This will happen again, Edward. This time it was someone who was probably embarrassed by his own past actions and took it out on me because he could."

"Which makes him weak and ridiculous," Edward muttered.

"Yes, and yet I'm the victim of his shame. Next time it might be someone else who doesn't approve of me, like your father or that priest."

"They don't matter," Edward argued.

"But they do. In the end, my reputation doesn't matter. But I don't want people to see someone as good and pure as you associated with a modern day Jezebel!"

"Jezebel?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You know what I mean," I muttered.

"I do know what you mean. Is that how you see yourself? A modern day Jezebel?"

I nodded.

"And I'm the pure innocent boy?"

"Yes."

"So let me get this straight: people see you as the promiscuous seductress who's out to taint my pure and innocent soul? And because of your past people have a right to judge you that way, even if it only shows how ridiculously narrow-minded they are?"

"Are they? Your father thinks I am corrupting you as does that priest."

"Like I said, what they think doesn't matter to me."

"But they feel like I'm the reason you might not become a priest. I'm sure tainting your precious pure soul makes me a Jezebel in their eyes."

Edward seemed thoughtful for a minute until he reached out and pulled me to him rather roughly. I yelped a little in response but he silenced that with a searing kiss that made me feel fucking weak in the knees.

"Bella," he said, pulling away and leaving me breathless yet again. "I am far from pure. And I don't think you've tainted anything, but…"

"But?" I whispered as his jade green eyes burned into mine, making the spot between my legs tingle.

"But if feeling alive and happy and in love means you have tainted me then I hope you'll continue to corrupt me," Edward said, before his lips found mine again.

This kiss was like no other, it was obvious he was trying to prove a point and I'd gladly let him. His mouth never left mine as he led us to the sofa and pushed me down gently. He hovered over me as his mouth moved to my neck.

"My Jezebella," he whispered against my skin, leaving dinner all but forgotten.

* * *

**A/N First off let me tell you why I haven't been able to update every week on the dot. Apart from real life being hectic, I'm participating in this: Countdown to 2012 Farewell to 2011 - another Fabulous! Countdown event. Amazing authors and one-shots. And you, as thhe reader, can guess which author wrote which one shot. **http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7348457/1/

**Plus, this goes on straight through to the end of the year. Every day, an awesome one shot and collab-pieces to come. Don't miss it :) I feel like a car salesman. but this Countdown has wonderful authors participating, so it's worth the sale! :)**

**About this chapter: there isn't much to say about it; I think it speaks for itself. Next up we'll have that promised date. What has our romantic newbie Edward come up with...**

**As always: I can't thank the people who read, review, rec, daydream (kidding ;) share their stories on life/religion and generally favor this story enough. I value every comment so very much! Thank you for taking the time!**

**I wish I could say TGIF but it's only Tuesday. Still, have a good week!**


	39. In The Garden of Eden

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 37: IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN**

_"Hello Mister Cullen, it's Jane Rayer from the Holy Spirit Center in Anchorage. I'm just calling to check on you because you never arrived for your reservation a few weeks ago and we never received a cancellation either. I hope everything is alright. If you have any questions you can reach me at the Center."_

I listened to the message and pressed 1 – delete. There was no need for me to get into contact with Jane Rayer; no need for me to go to the Holy Spirit Center.

After all, I no longer needed that particular sanctuary to clear my head and find answers.

It was so simple now. I was in love with Bella and she was in love with me.

"Yo, Eddie, stop daydreaming about Bella! I have a log of wood here that needs some coating and guess what? It has your name on it."

I turned and found my brother waving at me. We were at Seattle Children's Hospital where we were helping to rebuild the playground as part of the Week of Charity they held. It would end with the charity ball next week. Emmett coordinated the construction because my father had recommended him to the hospital board.

I walked over to him and he handed me a brush. "This log needs a coating so it's protected against the elements. Do all sides once, let it dry for about fifteen minutes, and then repeat."

"Got it." I nodded.

"So, you and Bella are getting pretty serious, huh?" My brother grinned.

Only a few months ago his overly curious nature used to irritate me but now I couldn't help but return his grin because the mere mention of Bella was enough to make me smile nowadays.

"I think so, yes."

"Well, I'm happy for you, bro. I really am."

"Thank you. That means a lot." I smiled.

We gave each other one more grin before our slightly awkward brotherly moment passed and I broke the silence.

"Rosalie seems to be doing better."

Emmett's grin faded instantly. "I guess so."

"She's not doing better?" I asked, wondering if my earlier observation of the playful banter between my brother and his wife had been inaccurate.

Emmett sighed. "Honestly, I don't know. Yes, she's back and yes, she's smiling again. But I don't know if that means she is feeling better because whenever I ask her how she's feeling, she brushes me off and says she's fine."

"Perhaps she is fine. Maybe she's just tired of talking about it constantly," I offered as a suggestion.

"That seems unlikely since she wants us to go into counseling. She wants to talk to a professional so maybe it's just that she can't talk to me like we used to."

"A lot has happened. Maybe a professional can help give you both some perspective."

"Maybe," Emmett shrugged before he excused himself and went back to work. I knew my brother as a happy go lucky guy and it was disheartening to see him so serious. I wanted to support him, offer him words of wisdom but honestly, I did not know what to say. Telling him everything would be fine seemed so redundant. I hoped the counselor could in fact help them.

My father joined us after his morning shift had ended, offering both Emmett and I plastic cups filled with coffee. "It's looking good," he complimented my brother.

Emmett flashed him a smile but it seemed a little uncomfortable. Then I noticed how his eyes darted between me and our father like he was watching the ball in a tennis match. I assumed he worried things might become awkward between us because of how my father felt about Bella and how that had put a strain on our father-son bond.

But if there was any awkwardness, my father certainly didn't show it.

"Hello, Edward," he greeted me pleasantly.

I gave him a smile. "Hi, Dad."

Insert silence. The uncomfortable, crickets-chirping kind. Maybe Emmett was right.

He must have been because it was him who intervened after what seemed to last minutes of palpable quietness.

"Okay, I'm going to give Rosie a call. By all means, do some catching up you two," he called over his shoulder as he walked away.

My father seemed to take the hint because he scraped his throat and started talking.

"How have you been? I haven't heard from you since you called when Bella was sick."

"I've been busy." I shrugged. "These weeks with all kinds of holidays in between regular classes are hectic."

"How's Bella?" he asked. I couldn't detect a hint of irony or anything in his voice, so he must have been sincere.

"She's feeling much better."

"That's good. I'm sure your mother believes her chicken soup does wonders." He chuckled, clearly trying to break the ice.

I smiled. "Well, Mom does know how to make a killer soup."

"That chicken and stars soup has always been a favorite of both you and Emmett's. I remember when your brother was little he used to pretend to be sick, just so that he could eat your mother's soup. And once when you were little your brother stuck a thermometer into hot water and tried to put it in your mouth and alert us you had a fever and needed your mother's soup to get better. I believe she saw right through him but made some anyway just to appease her boys."

I looked at him intently, surprised by the smile on his lips and the moisture in his eyes. I hadn't often seen my father emotional and I wondered what exactly brought this on.

"You're still my son," my father spoke quietly. "I may not fully agree with your choices but that fact will never change."

Before I could say anything, we got interrupted by loud cheers from a group of kids, some in wheelchairs and others walking with portable IV stands. Most of them wore hats because they had little to no hair.

Cancer patients.

"Dr. Cullen!" One boy waved at my dad who smiled and waved back.

"That's Jason. I've been his pediatrician since he was five. He's twelve now. Two years ago he was diagnosed with leukemia. He's had all the treatments possible and will be lucky to make it to his thirteenth birthday," my father explained. He took a deep breath and wiped away a tear on his cheek.

I swallowed. As a pediatrician my father had a large variety of young patients, most of them with regular, run of the mill complaints like runny noses and typical infections. But there were exceptions like this boy, Jason. My father might not be the primary consulting and treating physician for his sickness but he'd treated this boy for many small ailments. It had to be very difficult to see a patient slowly succumb like that and not be able to help him.

That reminded me of what my mother had said earlier, that she believed I'd make a good doctor. She'd based that idea solely on the fact that I'd taken care of Bella when she'd gotten sick. But that didn't mean I was qualified to be a caregiver the way my father was. In fact, it was a rather depressing thought to see sick people and know that there was no way you could cure them all. It took a strong person to deal with that.

But while I didn't agree with my mother's suggestion, it had made me realize that my future had been blasted wide open and I could be anything I wanted to be. There was freedom in having the possibility to have a different life from what I'd once chosen but that freedom was also laced with the fear of the unknown and the uncertain.

I'd never thought about becoming anything other than a priest. Sure, before Jacob died I'd dreamed the idle and hopeful daydreams of a boy who wanted to become a professional baseball player but that had nothing to do with the prospect of being an adult.

Becoming a priest had been part of a grown up plan, a way to live my life here on earth, but with Bella everything had changed. I had to start thinking about what I wanted to do now. One thing became more certain as Bella and I got closer; the idea of becoming a priest, even if I still had the choice, was becoming less and less appealing.

"Edward?"

I looked up to find my father smiling at me. "Is everything alright?"

I nodded. "Yes. I better go do some work. The sooner we're done the more use it'll be to Jason and his friends."

My father nodded and excused himself to find Emmett to ask him how he could help.

By the time Emmett returned to my side an hour had passed and when he did, I noticed he looked a little worried. So much so that I knew that whatever it was that had him on edge it had to be something to do with me because my brother was looking at me constantly, especially when he thought I wasn't noticing it.

"What is it, Emmett?" I demanded. "Do I have paint on my face?"

"It's nothing, I think."

"Don't lie," I chided him. "Is Rosalie alright?"

"Oh yes, she is fine. But there was a little ordeal with Bella at one of the shops," he told me hesitantly.

"What?" I said shocked, my arm flailing a little, causing me to drop a paint brush with vibrant red that spattered to the floor. "What ordeal? What happened?"

Emmett held up his hands in defense. "I don't know. Rosie didn't say. I'm sure it wasn't a big deal though"

"Not a big deal?" I argued. "Why would she mention it to you if it was not important?"

"Bro, relax. See, this is why I didn't want to tell you. You get so dramatic about these things."

"Maybe I should call Bella," I muttered and reached out to pull my phone from my pocket but Emmett stopped me.

"Don't, Edward. If it's really something bad, Bella will let you know, otherwise you can ask her tonight. Look, we still have plenty to do and it's getting dark soon. Please don't freak out. I'm sure all is fine," he tried to reassure me.

By the time it got dark and we finished, my anxiety had simmered down a little but I was still worried about what might have happened at the store.

Emmett dropped me off at my apartment and offered to stay until Bella returned but I sent him home instead, spending my time until Bella returned to let the day sink in and my worries fade. Like Emmett had said, Bella would let me know if something had been the matter.

When she finally came back, the need to ask her still burned on my tongue but other desires were simply much stronger.

Having her in my arms again made me realize how much I'd missed her, even if we'd only been apart for just a few hours. I was happy to know Bella had missed me too.

We talked a little and then Bella offered to make us something to eat. That somehow led to a comment about Forks, and more specifically, berry cobbler.

It was quite a surprise to hear Bella mention both things so candidly when the memories clearly still upset her. I was proud that she was trying to be more open by sharing these things with me, even though it was so hard for her to do.

I held her and comforted her but mostly I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to show her that there was light at the end of the tunnel and that I could be that light for her.

The joke I made to distract her was forgettable and definitely not funny but the rewarding smile on Bella's face was like the sun breaking through grey, thick clouds.

Seeing her trying and fighting so hard to recover broke something inside of me. Bella's strength was such a force. It was an important thing that I loved about her.

Thinking about what I loved _about _Bella made me think of_ loving _Bella. There was no doubt I cared for her very deeply and that I was in love with her but both emotions didn't necessarily equal loving someone.

At least I didn't think so. Not that it mattered because in that moment as I looked at her smiling bravely while she cooked, I realized my feelings ran extremely deep.

I _loved_ Bella.

And I could see a hint of a future where we would share a house. Where she would cook us meals in a large and spacious kitchen. Where we would have a happily married life like Emmett and Rosalie –well before tragedy had hit them, but where our foundation and interaction fitted with our own dynamic.

But there were things to overcome. This wasn't some fantasy idyll; this was real and both Bella and I had issues that we needed to deal with before we could think in terms of white picket fence. And that's why I didn't tell her right there and then that I loved her. It wasn't the right moment.

Especially not when I suddenly remembered that something had happened during Bella's shopping trip and she had yet to bring it up.

So I asked her what had happened.

It was a surprise to learn she had been asked to leave the dress store because the manager was Randy, the man I'd dragged away from her in that motel room.

The idea that he had willingly gone to a strip club to look at naked women and had consciously chosen to have sex with Bella but now wanted to shun her from his reality as a regular customer of the store he managed because he was ashamed, angered me.

What surprised me even more was Bella's attitude about the whole ordeal.

She seemed to be accepting of this type of behavior, like it was normal. I understood that she felt that way because she was used to people judging her or treating her with disdain, but for me it was painful to think of someone as good and strong as Bella to be treated like a social pariah.

I had expected her to be sassy and give Randy one of those curse riddled colorful pieces of her mind. But without a word of retaliation she had accepted what he'd requested and she had left because she hadn't wanted to make a scene in front of my mother and Rosalie.

Sure, that was mature and admirable but maybe that's what angered me the most. The thought she wouldn't fight back and allow these people to judge her to make themselves feel better when in fact she was so much better than them.

It reminded me of how my father and Father Masen looked at Bella and how they judged and blamed her for the changes she had brought to my life even though they could see how happy she made me.

Their behavior was no better than someone acting like this Randy person.

We argued back and forth for a bit when I realized I didn't want to fight and I took Bella in my arms instead. When we both cooled down a little Bella explained what truly bothered her about people passing judgment. She didn't worry for herself, she worried about me.

To give an example Bella described herself as a modern day Jezebel and I was the weak, pure soul she had enchanted.

I found the comparison to be ridiculous but possibly accurate in the way others could view us, and so I told and mostly showed Bella that she could corrupt me all she wanted if it meant I'd continue to feel this happy.

Then I kissed her hungrily, eager to prove that I wanted her to be who she was and that all the people forming a negative opinion didn't matter one bit. She was my Jezebella.

It wasn't until something started to smell like it was burning that we broke apart.

Dinner was ruined but our hearts were full.

* * *

"Do you think I should get a TV?"

"Not necessarily. I mean you must have had your reasons for not getting one before."

Bella and I were talking casually as we lounged on my sofa. My feet were in her lap and she had curled up her legs under her body.

After our heated make out session, dinner had been ruined, so we'd been forced to get some take out.

"I never watched much and kept up with national and world news via the internet. But…"

"But what?"

"Well, you like watching the Food Network and there isn't much to do for you around here…"

Bella leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "Oh, I can think of a few things." She smiled suggestively.

I chuckled as I brushed a loose strand of hair out of her face. "But kissing me is for only when I'm around."

"Fair enough, but don't get a TV for me. You should get one because you will actually use it."

"I don't know," I admitted. "Sometimes I feel so out of tune with the world. You know for years I was focused on things related to my religion. But now my perspective is a lot broader."

"True." Bella shrugged. "But that doesn't mean you have to buy a TV to feel more… normal. If it weren't for the cooking channels and maybe the occasional documentary I wouldn't watch either."

"But it comes in handy with your insomnia, right?"

Bella nodded and pressed another kiss on my cheek. "True, but I have a different remedy now."

"Really? Your nightmares have decreased?" I asked curiously. Technically tonight was the first official night Bella was staying over based on an invite. The time she'd spent here when she was sick didn't exactly count because we'd slept separately with the exception of the night she had told me about her past.

Tonight was different and probably more loaded. Tonight we would go to bed together for the first time, and I had no clue what Bella's bedtime ritual was. Which side of the bed did she prefer? What did she sleep in? What should I sleep in? Maybe they were foolish questions, ones I hadn't even considered the times we had slept in the same space but now it suddenly seemed significant to know.

"They are still there but sleeping in your arms keeps the worst of it at bay," Bella said sheepishly, her ivory cheeks flushing with scarlet.

"Well, I'll do whatever it takes to keep them away as much as possible."

Bella snuggled into my side and for a few moments we enjoyed the silence between us. That was something I valued very much. The fact we didn't always have to talk and things didn't get awkward when we didn't.

"So, you really won't tell me where we are going tomorrow?" Bella asked suddenly. "Not even a hint or anything?"

I smiled to myself, knowing that while Bella did hate surprises, she was also too curious for her own good.

"What part of the word 'surprise' don't you get?" I teased. "You're just going to have to be patient."

"Fine." Bella huffed. "But just so you know, I was willing to make a trade…"

At first I had no idea what Bella was referring to but then a light bulb went off and I realized she was talking about her dress for the hospital charity event. The dress she had sneaked in and hid somewhere earlier.

"Let me guess," I said. "If I tell you where we're going tomorrow, you'll show me the dress you've bought."

Bella sat up so she could look at me. "That's a little bold. But sure. I could even model it for you. If… you tell me what we're doing."

I leaned in to capture her lips with mine for a second before I pulled away and rose from the sofa.

"You do realize all I have to do is find that bag you hid somewhere and take a peek inside before telling you a thing?" I pointed out with a cheeky grin.

Bella, tracing her lips with a finger, seemingly a little dazed from our kiss, eyed me speculatively. "But Edward, that would be cheating…" Her eyes narrowed as she tried to determine if I was being serious.

"You wouldn't…"

I took a step toward the bedroom. "Wouldn't I?"

Just as Bella jumped up from the sofa I sprinted towards the bedroom with her following right behind me.

"If you cheat I will tell your mother," she threatened as I halted on one side of the bed and she stopped short in the doorway. "And then Emmett."

I turned to my closet and opened it, grinning when I learned I'd been successful in determining where Bella had hid the bag, because there it was, stowed away behind a stack of clothes.

"Really?" I asked, turning toward Bella who was stepping closer to me as if to approach a wounded animal. "This is where you hid your dress?"

"That's not very original, Miss Swan," I scoffed her teasingly.

Before Bella could reach me I yanked out the bag and held it to my chest.

I wasn't actually going to look inside but Bella's wide eyed and jaw slacked expression made me laugh.

But then as I laughed she composed herself, her arms crossed over her chest. She tapped her foot on the floor and waited for me to be done.

"You think you're so smart, don't you Cullen?"

I stopped laughing when she lunged at me to grab the bag, revealing it was completely empty.

Then she grabbed my shirt and pushed me onto the bed.

"I think someone needs a lesson." She growled before straddling me and leaning in to kiss me hard.

A part of me was taken aback by her sudden aggression and another part of me – a part that was growing rapidly under Bella's movements - liked the way she was staking her claim.

I kissed her back with fervency as Bella weaved her hands into my hair to keep our lips glued together.

As our breathing grew more rapid and our kisses more frantic, the situation in my pants became extremely uncomfortable, even more so because Bella's wiggling and grinding made it feel like I was about to explode.

A part of me – specifically _that_ part obviously - wanted to keep going just to see what would happen and also because I dreaded the idea of Bella pulling away while my erection was rock solid. But there was still that fear of the unknown. I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of Bella and at the same time I wanted to learn by following her lead.

I chose this; I chose her and with the choice of starting a relationship came the choice to be physically intimate.

While I pondered how to get over my fears, it was Bella who pulled away abruptly.

"I'm sorry," she murmured quietly as she sat up and pushed her back against the headboard. "I don't know what came over me."

I didn't want to argue with her or coax her to keep going but the situation in my pants was not one that was going to disappear on its own.

"It's fine," I tried to reassure her, my voice a little hoarse. "We don't have to stop."

I reached for Bella's arm and tried to pull her back to me but she yanked it away. "I… I need a minute," she said.

I could feel the heaviness in the air and wanted nothing more but to lighten the mood.

"So do I." I winked and Bella's eyes landed on my erection.

"I noticed." She smiled. "I uh… I would help you… but... I'm having a case of bad memories," she whispered.

I frowned at her admission and the thought she was reminded of bad things helped to deflate my penis significantly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. "Was it something I did?"

Bella shook her head. "No, no. I wanted to keep going. But maybe we shouldn't try to be spontaneous. Maybe we need to plan these steps."

"Plan when we're going to make out? Or plan when we're going to… touch each other."

Bella smiled. "The latter definitely. It's kind of strange, right?"

"That depends on what you mean," I admitted. "I'm a little confused."

"It's just that when we get carried away we might push each other too hard too fast. In a way I'm just as inexperienced as you, Edward. As strange as that may sound."

"What do you mean?"

"What I did just now was kind of aggressive. It's what I resort back to easily; it's the sexuality I am used to. But to go slow and discover things together, that's just as new for me as it is for you."

"Can I ask what bad memory you were thinking of just now? Was it… _him?"_

Bella frowned. "Aro?" she asked quietly. "No. I was thinking how embarrassing it was that I attacked you like that. I didn't mean to push you…"

"As you must have noticed, I didn't exactly mind. But I do admit that I am afraid. This is all so new to me and I'm not the type to lead this because I have no experience," I told her and I felt a blush creep into my cheeks. I moved to lean back against the headboard, closing my eyes to will my blush and the throbbing remainder of my erection away.

Bella scooted over to rest her head on my shoulder. "We are quite a pair, aren't we?" She sighed.

I chuckled dryly. "We sure are. But at least we're talking about it. Learn as we go, right?"

Bella nodded against my shoulder. "True. I guess as long as we keep talking, we can't go wrong."

"So you really felt bad just now because you felt like you were pushing me as opposed to feeling pressured?"

"Edward, I have sold sex. I know it's harsh and not glamorous but it's the truth. It has never scared me to have sex and I have never felt pressured."

She sounded confident and in control but then she sighed deeply and buried her face into the crook of my neck.

"Never?" I countered skeptically. "How about the guy at Jasper's bar?"

"That was one time," Bella pointed out. "And I'd been under the influence of medication and alcohol, otherwise that wouldn't have happened."

I hated how blasé she was about a guy who had essentially raped her but decided not to lecture her on it.

"What about before you came to Seattle?" I said with hesitation, hinting towards the time she had spent being violated by Aro.

"I don't… can we not talk about that. I don't want to."

"Bella," I said, as I turned to face her. "I don't want to pressure you at all. But it seems like you are two people when it comes to… sex. You don't seem to have a problem anymore when we kiss and touch a little but you have to admit that the things that happened to you could come into play if we pursue this further. I don't want you to be afraid of me. When we really get to the point of true intimacy, I want you to be okay with it."

"What are you saying? That I'll be afraid to have sex with you. Did I look afraid just now?"

"Not when you can be aggressive. But what if I took the lead?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "You?"

"I'm a man and I think that the primal feeling a man has gives him the ability to lead in sexual encounters. And that's not something you are used to, at least not in a positive way."

Bella stared at me intensely for a while, seemingly trying to process my words.

Then she spoke. "Crap, you have a good point. But can we stop talking about this now because it just freaks me out."

"Will you promise to talk to Doctor Carmen about it?"

Bella rolled her eyes again. "Her?"

"Or someone else. But just consider it."

"Fine," Bella relented. "I'll consider talking to Doctor Carmen."

"Good," I said, kissing her forehead. "Now, are you ready for bed?"

Bella raised an eyebrow teasingly.

"To sleep," I clarified dryly.

"To sleep," Bella agreed.

* * *

The next morning I woke long before Bella did. I would've gotten up to make some coffee but Bella had decided that being sprawled across my chest was a preferable way to sleep and who was I to argue with that. Her warmth enveloped me and the steady rhythm of her heart beat was soothing.

While Bella slept soundly, I thought about today and the date I had planned. Most of it wasn't very spectacular or extravagant because I felt with Bella less was more.

Still, I was nervous if I had made the right choices on how we'd spend our day.

I had never dated someone so I had never had to plan a date before. And because Bella had never been on a real date either it certainly put some pressure on me because I wanted it to be memorable and special.

To calm myself I went over the day and what I had planned in my head a few times until Bella started to stir and moan a bit. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close.

"Mmm, Edward," she whispered which made me smile.

"Bella," I answered, gently rubbing her back.

"No, go away," she muttered. She pushed herself off my chest and turned in her sleep. Then she grabbed the covers and pulled them over her head.

I carefully pulled them away and leaned in to brush the hair out of her face.

"Bella, wake up," I whispered in her ear.

"Don't want to," she mumbled.

I started peppering her hair with kisses which increased her movements. She kicked her covers away and started hitting the air like she was swatting away bugs.

"Angela?" she asked questioningly but with a cool undertone. "Stop harassing me."

"I'm not Angela," I told her. "But now I am curious as to why you would assume I am."

Bella groaned. "Edward?"

"Yes?" I said, amused by her morning ritual.

"You're not Angela," she stated as a fact when she lifted her head and looked me over.

"No I'm not." I winked. "But again, the intrigue of this possible morning ritual between you and your friend compels me. Feel free to enlighten me."

Bella gave me the stink eye as she pushed herself to sit upright.

"Angela sometimes has this tendency where she barges into my room and jumps on my bed."

"Hmm," I pretended to ponder. "I can see how me kissing you resembles that."

"Har-har Mr. 'Mom what are you doing in my room'! Need I remind you what happened when you fell asleep in my bed?"

"That was the foot of your bed," I reminded her. "And you weren't kissing me, so you can't compare the two."

"It's too early to tease me." Bella pouted. She rubbed her eyes before she suddenly jumped out of bed, her movement startling me.

"It's date day!" She cheered comically. "Will you_ now_ tell me where we'll go?"

I grinned and got up too. "How about breakfast first?"

After a quick breakfast of toast and scrambled eggs – made by Bella of course - we each had our morning routine, although it was already closer to noon. But it was Sunday and we had some time to take it easy.

While Bella occupied my tiny bathroom to take a shower and get dressed, I cleaned up the leftovers and mess of our breakfast, figuring it was only fair after Bella had been the one preparing it.

When she finished twenty minutes later, she came out of the bathroom wearing plain dark blue jeans and a black soft turtleneck sweater. The shower had left her hair damp and her cheeks flushed.

It was a wonderful sight.

When she caught me ogling her as she slipped her feet into a pair of low black boots, her cheeks burned with even more pink and she smiled with uncertainty.

"Is this appropriate for where we are going? Or does it need to be fancier?"

I gave her a reassuring smile. "It's perfect."

We left my apartment a little after noon, now both dressed in the casual but effective ensemble of jeans, sweaters, thick coats and scarves to protect us from the below zero temperatures that had plagued the greater Seattle area, plus appropriate and solid footwear because we'd be walking aplenty today.

Bella's curious eyes fell on the back pack I was carrying but she refrained from asking what was inside.

In fact, she held my hand silently until we reached the general hall where she abruptly halted.

"What's our transportation? You don't have a car."

"Actually I do. We're borrowing Rosalie's car. She and Emmett both drove here this morning in separate cars. Rosalie left hers here and they took Emmett's jeep to drive to mass and lunch with my parents later," I explained as I led Bella out the back door which revealed the parking lot where Rosalie's silver Volvo was parked.

"A Volvo?"

I shrugged. "I am not in the loop when it comes to Rosalie's taste in cars." I smiled as I unlocked it and held open the passenger door for Bella to get in.

I put the backpack on the back seat before I got in on the driver's side. I fumbled with a few buttons to turn the heater on and adjusted my seat before starting the engine and pulling out of the lot.

Bella remained silent until we were on our way, then she turned to me and instead of asking me once again where we were going – l had yet to reveal it and I knew it irritated her that I was keeping it a surprise just a little while longer - she made a statement.

"It's Sunday."

I nodded as I maneuvered the car through downtown Seattle, the streets surprisingly crowded for an early Sunday afternoon but then I'd never driven through Seattle at this time of the day on a Sunday before, so maybe it was normal.

"So…" Bella hedged.

"So?" I asked, not sure of the point she was trying to make.

"Shouldn't you have gone to Sunday mass? I mean, even Emmett went and he..."

"…He doesn't go to church often," I added. "That's true. It's been a long time since he went but I think he's trying to appease Rosalie."

"And you? Aren't you going to lose purity points for skipping?" Bella muttered sarcastically.

"Purity points? Very mature," I teased her. "I'm sure that make out session last night has dropped me into the minuses."

She sighed. "Very funny. I just don't want to keep you from anything."

I took hold of her hand and placed a gentle kiss on it.

"I'm exactly where I want to be."

I realized how true those words rang. Until Bella had brought it up I hadn't even consciously thought about missing out on mass today. There was a time when that would have bothered me greatly and it would have been unthinkable to stay away. But things were different now. I still said my prayers and I still felt very close to God but the connection had changed. In a strange way I felt closer to Him now that I knew what it was like to love someone in a romantic way. The feeling made everything better. My heart felt like it was bursting with love.

For the first time I felt like it was the right kind of love. Not based on demanding and established rules but a true and genuine feeling.

I loved someone.

I loved Bella.

That made me smile, which made Bella smile too even though she didn't know why I was smiling.

"What?" she asked curiously.

I gave her hand a squeeze.

"Why don't I tell you where we are going?"

* * *

Taking the floating bridge on the I-90 over Lake Washington brought us to Bellevue, Washington.

Ever since I'd started planning this date I knew I wanted to keep it as simple as possible. I remembered how much Bella had enjoyed our sightseeing tour through Seattle and I wanted to do something similar but with a more romantic twist at the end.

Bella kept staring out the window when we crossed the bridge, her eyes glued to the glass as she looked over Lake Washington longingly.

"We could take a boat trip on the lake in spring or summer," I said. "They even have those water bikes with the peddles."

Bella turned to face me. She seemed surprised at my suggestion.

"Really?"

"Yes, they do. I'd take you now but it's way too cold."

"I know that," Bella said. "But do you think we… have time?"

She looked so unsure that it confused me.

"Of course we will. Why not?"

"I might be in jail by then," Bella pointed out grimly.

She tried to sound tough but in fact she sounded frightened.

"That won't happen," I said confidently, hoping to comfort Bella but also to reassure myself. It was unfathomable to even consider that a judge would sentence Bella to jail time. She was doing so well, making so much progress. Surely that would work in her favor and she should be rewarded instead of being punished. Of course it might also help Bella to apologize to the girl – Jessica because it would show she was remorseful about what she'd done. James had suggested that to Bella during one of their meetings but she had flat out refused with colorful language to make a point that the girl did not deserve her apology. I wanted to bring it up to point out that showing the court she was sorry for what she had done would probably keep her out of jail but decided against it because I didn't want to risk ruining the day. I made a mental note to bring it up some time soon though

Bella took a deep breath and smiled. "I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous. Okay, so we're going to Bellevue. Have you ever been there before?"

I nodded and told her about my history with the city. Bella seemed especially pleased when I told her about the fact my mother was born and raised there. She had moved to Seattle when she'd gone off to college. She was also the one who had helped out with one of the locations of our date though I left that part out.

After we found a parking spot close to the city center I led Bella to a quant pastry shop appropriately called Belle Pastry. Maggie had recommended it to my mother with the small tip to drop her name – Maggie's that was - to the shopkeeper so we could get a bit of special treatment and hopefully taste some of the baked goods.

However, when we arrived and I told the woman behind the counter that we were friends with Maggie and Bella worked with her, she instantly called the shop owner and the pastry chef Jean-Claude Ferré, and he was more than willing to show us around a bit and let Bella sample a few of his classics like lemon meringue, tiramisu and blueberry tartlets. He seemed quite taken with her and that would have made me uneasy if it had made Bella feel uncomfortable but she seemed fine with his compliments.

She was clearly in her element as she looked around and took it all in. When Monsieur Ferré offered to show her around in the kitchen and even asked for Bella's assistance with making his apparently famous 'Trio of Mousse' she was over the moon.

If Bella was nervous to work with such a renowned chef, she didn't show it. In fact, she was very confident and followed his steps with ease.

I on the other hand was less than helpful or natural in the large kitchen which made me an easy target for Chef Ferré's disapproving but humorous comments and they made Bella laugh.

Her smiles and happiness were infectious and seemed to melt the chef. He was very impressed with her talents and by the time we were ready to leave he insisted on Bella coming back soon.

"That was amazing!" Bella commented as soon as we were outside, me carrying a box of treats that would serve as our dessert while Bella carried my backpack, but more importantly, a wide smile. "He works with such refinement. But Maggie has a better technique, I think. "

"This wasn't entirely planned," I admitted. "But it's no surprise Monsieur Ferré was so taken with you; you are amazing to watch in the kitchen."

Bella blushed though maybe it was the cold hitting her cheeks. Winter was definitely hanging in the air.

She leaned in and kissed me softly. "Thank you, Edward." She beamed when she pulled away.

I stroked her cheek with my free hand, the heat of her blush making my fingers tingle. "It's my pleasure and there's more to come."

After lunch we walked around Bellevue square to check out the shops. Bella held my hand tightly and occasionally snatched the camera I had brought to take some photos. We bought a few Christmas presents for Ben and Angela and Maggie and checked out the various Christmas window displays. Bella insisted on buying us hot chocolate from a coffee vendor on the streets and kissed away the whipped cream that coated my upper lip.

It was perfect.

When the sky started to darken and twilight approached, I announced it was time to go back to the car so we could go to dinner.

I'd been to Bellevue a few times as a child and a young adult and visited the Bellevue Botanical Garden as a teen once during a school field trip. It was my mother's idea to take Bella there for dinner. It wasn't usually a place to dine but by one of her former connections to Bellevue, my mother had managed to help me arrange this part of the evening, to have the Botanical Garden all to ourselves for a night.

Bella seemed confused when I pulled up in an empty parking lot and surprised when we were welcomed by a guy named Matt who told me everything was ready.

But then when we made it through the entrance an explosion of multicolored lights welcomed us.

** Author tip: open this link: www(dot)gardendlights(dot)org/slideshow/photogallerytour(dot)htm to get the "full" experience, as opposed to check after you've read. **

**And continue... **

Garden D'Lights was a special event that only ran between Thanksgiving and New Years and had the gardens lit in the most magical way. All the plants and trees were illuminated in the most magnificent and artistic ways as they were covered in strings of light with a multitude of colors. Red, blue, white, green, you name it.

"Edward," Bella gasped as she kept turning her head, trying to take it all in. "This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

I smiled because I had to agree with her. "It truly is. Except for you, of course."

"Cheesy, Cullen." She beamed at me. "But I like it."

We walked around the gardens to absorb the displays that had been created. The ambiance was extraordinary. The various parts of the garden were outlined with different strings of light and there was so much to look at.

"Look, a snowman!" Bella cheered and she dragged me over to a Christmas display with a snowman and a Christmas tree.

We walked past a spider in a web closing in on a fly, all made of white, green and red colored lights. We saw a waterfall that had been lit to highlight its stream.

There was also something Bella called "the blue field" because the ground and small plants were covered in blue lights.

Every new display seemed more beautiful than the last and Bella walked around with a broad smile and her face was glowing with happiness.

After having walked around for a while I took Bella to a pavilion that normally served as the visitor center, but for tonight, the small space was our dining area. The large windows gave us a view of one of the gardens and made for a fine background décor.

There was a table for two that was perfectly set with porcelain and shiny utensils. There were candles and a small heater placed near the table because it was chilly in here.

"Edward." Bella breathed. "This is so beautiful."

"May I take your coat?" I smiled as I took her shoulders and pulled her to me.

She turned and wrapped her arms around my neck. "This is the best date ever!"

"I'm glad you like it." I beamed before I closed the distance between us and kissed her softly.

After a minute I pulled away. Bella's eyes were dancing and shone with happiness and I knew I'd find my own feelings reflected in her chocolate irises.

"So, what's for dinner?" Bella asked curiously. "You didn't cook, did you?" she added cheekily.

"No worries. I don't think food poisoning would be an appropriate way to end the evening."

"No, it would not," Bella agreed with a grin. "Though I'm sure you could manage without poisoning us."

"Thank you for the vote of confidence," I retorted. "To ease your worries, dinner was catered."

A nearby Italian restaurant had prepared our food. The menu consisted of red lobster linguini, garlic bread and tomato, basil and mozzarella salad.

Our plates were served by a waiter named Francesco and he kept leering at Bella until I gave him a disapproving glare. Bella didn't seem to notice as she kept her eyes on me the entire time.

She chatted animatedly in between bites of food that she not only complimented but also analyzed so that she could try and make it at home as well.

For dessert we had the trio of chocolate mousse Bella had made at the Belle Pastry and fresh coffee Francesco managed to brew with one of the oldest coffee makers I'd ever seen. It still tasted good though.

After we were finished I suggested we go out to the patio, so I could take a few more photos. I helped Bella back into her coat before Francesco could and she could barely contain her laughter when she realized, we were having a "peeing contest" in front of her as she later called it.

"Wow!" Bella suddenly exclaimed while I took a photo of her smiling profile. "Edward, it's snowing!"

She ran down the patio with me following hot on her trail.

Snow in mid-December wasn't rare but up until now it hadn't been cold enough to have real snow; we'd had the wet mushy kind that had melted instantly after it fell, so to have the first actual snow of the season was pretty amazing. Especially tonight.

Small little flakes started swirling around us before they found a permanent spot on the ground.

Bella looked curious and childlike as she tried to catch the flakes on her hands and even on her tongue.

In the multicolored facets of light that danced around us, I could see the cold was coloring her cheeks and her mahogany locks looked like they were getting covered in silver-dust because of the falling snow that got stuck in her hair.

I closed in on her with the camera, knowing the photo would probably not look great with the distorted light but I had to capture the moment because Bella looked so beautiful.

When she caught what I was doing, she grinned and stuck out her tongue.

Then she grabbed a little of the snow that now covered the ground and held it in front of the lens. After I snapped a shot of it she pretended to explore the melting pile before she unexpectedly shoved it in my face, laughing hard.

I tucked the camera away and plotted my retaliation.

I grabbed some snow and created a small ball that I threw against Bella's jacket.

"That was a mistake, Cullen," Bella said in a tough voice.

"Yeah, what are you going to do about it, Swan?" I dared her.

Bella started piling snow in her hands. "How do you feel about a snow face plant?" she asked casually as she formed the snow into a flat disk shaped form.

"Bring it on!" I said as I grabbed some snow myself.

"Oh, you really shouldn't have said that."

That led to a brief snow ball fight where Bella flung her snow pie miles wide and I got her with smaller snowballs that soon covered the arms of her coat, her jeans and her boots because I didn't want to hit her in the face.

When Bella realized she was losing, she gave up quickly. And when she noticed a brightly lit gazebo down one of the paths, she took my hand and led me up there, our snowball fight all but forgotten.

Once we were on the wooden platform she stopped to lean against one of the beams and sighed contently.

"It's so beautiful here. I bet it's lovely during the warmer seasons as well."

I agreed but instead of looking around, I could only stare at Bella and observe and welcome how genuinely happy she looked.

How beautiful she was, standing in a halo of artificial light, in the middle of this garden.

Our very own Garden of Eden.

Our paradise.

And if she was my Eve, I'd give into her temptation any time.

"Thank you again, Edward," Bella spoke softly when I moved to stand behind her and gathered her into my arms as I slipped my hands around her waist.

"It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I've never been this happy. I don't want to lose that."

My heart broke a little, knowing it took her twenty three years to find happiness. No one should have to search that long.

"Making you happy is all I ever want to do. I promise I will always try," I vowed to her.

Bella leaned back against my chest and sighed happily.

Feeling her in my arms, standing in that wonderful, almost _otherworldly_ place made feel overcome and blessed.

Loved.

And I wanted Bella to feel, _to know_ she was loved too.

So I held her tighter as my lips found her ear.

"Bella," I whispered.

"Hmm…"

"I love you."

* * *

**A/N: So, did Edward get it right? I like to think he did. **

**Some of the sights mentioned: **

**- Floating bridge over Lake Washington on the I90 from Seattle to Bellevue: http:/www(dot)flickr(dot)com/photos/rampix/2984189962/**

**- Garden D'Lights: http:/www(dot)gardendlights(dot)org/slideshow/photogallerytour(dot)htm**

**- Bellevue Botanical Gardens: http:/www(dot)bellevuebotanical(dot)org/maps/gardenmap(dot)gif**

**- Belle Pastry: http:/www(dot)bellepastry(dot)com/ **

**When we get to the charity ball, I will post pictures of the ladies' dresses. Just an FYI.**

******Be sure to check the Countdown to 2012 Farewell to 2011 - another great Countdown event. Amazing authors and one-shots. And you, as the reader, can guess which author wrote a one shot. **http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7348457/1/

**As always thanks so much to all my readers, loyal reviewers, people who rec this story and are generally enthusiastic about it. It means so much! Special shout-out to my BETA and friend Parama who is a fundamental part of this story. Thank you!**

**Leaves me with: Happy Sunday! **


	40. Bella Hearts Edward

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 38: BELLA HEARTS EDWARD**

"So, Edward told me he loves me."

"I see. And how does that make you feel?"

I sighed and stared at the white ceiling which actually didn't look so fucking white anymore. There were specks of yellow and brown and I wondered if someone had secretly been smoking in here. Or maybe not so fucking secretly. The room smelled fresh enough but the ceiling could use a lick of paint.

"Loved, I guess."

"Loved? Can you define that feeling for me?"

I frowned because that wasn't so easy to do.

"I don't exactly know," I mumbled.

"Let me clarify, perhaps that helps. What does it mean to you to feel loved? Maybe you can express some words you associate with the feeling or the word love."

Another deep breath as I pondered the question. I wanted to get this right. For some reason it felt like blasphemy if I admitted to Doctor Carmen that I wasn't sure if I could define love in any way because I had never felt it before.

"When I think of love or feeling loved, I think of Edward and feeling protected and safe. I know he won't purposely let me down."

"What does that mean? He would not purposely let you down? Are you worried he will non-purposely let you down?"

I sighed again; I so didn't want to fucking get into that. Those were my insecurities; I didn't need Doctor Carmen to feed them.

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that I trust him."

"That's a nice feeling, right?"

"It is," I agreed.

"Did you say it back?"

"Say what?" I asked.

"Did you tell him you loved him too?"

"No, Doc. I didn't."

"Why not?"

Another deep sigh. One that demonstrated my annoyance. Doctor Carmen was definitely getting on my nerves more than usual lately. That had everything to do with the fact I was trying to be more open with her. I didn't necessarily want to but she was an analytical person and a professional who'd seen plenty of fucking head cases like me.

If I didn't do this for myself I at least owed it to Edward to get my head shrinked and hoped Doctor Carmen could make something of it and cure me or whatever.

Although maybe there wasn't a cure. Maybe I would always remain fucked up. Still, I had to try. Plus, the whole "let's give the doc some attitude" spiel was getting old and she had called me out on it many times. If I wanted to prove I was progressing, I had to allow her to do her job and give her stuff to work with.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Why didn't you return the sentiment?"

That was the million dollar question. Why had I not told Edward I loved him too?

The moment had been perfect. Edward had been perfect. And in some twisted way karma didn't hate me and had given me that perfect moment in which that perfect guy – my boyfriend – had told me that he loved me.

There was no doubting his words, or his actions. He loved me.

But then my own self-created or self-perceived reality had kicked in.

No one really loved me. The people that were supposed to – my parents - never did, and the one person who had ever told me he loved me had also abused me for years.

And now Edward claimed he loved me.

Pure, innocent, genuine, 100% sincere, and without any fucked up motive – Edward loved me.

LOVED. ME.

It was so big and so much, and since he had told me on Sunday it had echoed in my mind every time he looked at me, every time he kissed me.

I'd been tongue tied when he'd whispered those three words in my ear as we were standing in the gazebo, watching the snow fall.

I should have said them back but I couldn't. It wouldn't have been sincere in that moment.

I cared for Edward. I cared more for him than I had ever cared for someone else in my life. But I didn't know if deeply caring for someone equaled loving them and I wasn't sure how Edward had come to the conclusion that he loved me. Was there some sort of timeline or a guide? How did you know for sure?

"Well?" Doctor Carmen encouraged me. "Why didn't you say it back?"

"I… I don't know how to love someone," I muttered as I closed my eyes.

"What makes you believe that?"

"Oh, come on, Doc. You know how fucked up I am. This thing with Edward is the only good thing that has ever happened to me."

"That's quite the powerful statement. I would assume that it makes you want to keep that."

"Of course I do."

"How did Edward react when you didn't say it back?"

After Edward had told me he loved me and had quite seductively kissed my neck – seriously the boy claiming to have no skills in the love department, had plenty of skills - I had turned around and said the words no one probably ever wanted to hear after they'd just declared their love to someone.

I'd thanked him. And to deflect even further, I had then thanked him once again for our amazing date. But I'd never said I loved him too.

If my response had bothered Edward, he definitely hadn't shown it. Instead, he had kissed me again and never actually spoken about my fucked up way of dealing. Nor had he acted strange ever since. In fact he was more attentive and romantic than ever.

On Tuesday, I'd left work early to go to group therapy and Edward had stopped by the bakery to come and pick me up. Group therapy itself had been uneventful because we'd talked about our progress so far and Doctor Eleazar had talked about trust and a seven step plan to building a new life; I'd ignored that because I was well on my way on my own and didn't need his brain-farts as help.

On Wednesday, I'd cooked Edward dinner and we had cuddled on my sofa, watching some old movie. Or rather making out during said movie. Yesterday, we'd both been busy and I'd gotten home and collapsed on my bed after a long and exhausting day. When I'd woken at 1:00 AM early this morning, I'd found two texts from Edward. Both included xx's and smilies.

I was such a fool not to love him. And maybe I did. If only I knew if being in love with him was the same as actually feeling a deep rooted love for someone. The kind that made you want to kill or die for them. Then maybe I wanted too much. Maybe no such thing existed.

"He didn't seem upset," I finally answered.

"Well that's good. Look Bella, maybe you're making this too complicated. Edward told you he loves you because he means it. At least I assume he does. The way you describe him tells me he's not the type to say things he doesn't mean. Anyway, he told you something very personal and I don't think he expected you to reciprocate those words. I'm sure he'd rather you be ready to tell him before you do."

"But what if I'm never ready? What if this is as far as it goes for me?"

Doctor Carmen wrote furiously and I hated that. The more she wrote the more I felt like a head case.

"Could you define 'this' for me?"

"Huh?"

"You say 'this' is as far as it goes. What do you mean by that?"

"I care for him so, so much. I get the whole butterflies in stomach thing. I told him I was in love with him."

"Are you?"

I rolled my eyes. "You think I'd fucking lie about that?"

"Not at all. But if you are in love with him, why do you think you couldn't love him?"

"You know how people always say that after they've fallen in love with someone that love slowly shapes into loving someone. I don't understand how people know that, when they start feeling that."

Doctor Carmen smile gently. "Bella, the feeling of love is different for everyone. There's no one concrete feeling. It's different for everyone."

"So how will I know what it feels like for me?"

"Listen to your heart, your intuition. You know exactly how you feel if you let those feelings speak without fear of abandonment. The past is not relevant here, Bella. You have to stop letting it define you or your feelings."

* * *

"So how did it go?"

"It was boring, as always."

I could hear Edward chuckling on the other side. "I doubt a therapy session is truly boring."

I sighed deeply as I got off the bus and walked to Maggie's bakery. "It was okay," I said, annoyed. "Doctor Carmen is so analytical, it's infuriating."

"How come? And _if _she's infuriating, I wouldn't exactly call that boring"

"Pff, semantics," I muttered.

"You do know it's not actually semantics, right?"

"Edward!" I chided him.

More chuckling. "I'm sorry. I won't tease you when you're on edge. What time does your lunch break start?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll skip it because I took time off this morning."

"Bella, you need to eat. I could stop by for a quick bite."

Edward's offer was certainly tempting because it meant I'd get to see him. But I preferred skipping lunch and working straight through to the end of my shift. That way I could compensate the time I had missed this morning.

"It would be a waste of time," I argued. "I only get like thirty minutes so it's not really worth your time."

"I'd get to see you. So, of course it would be worth my time," Edward scoffed.

I sighed. "Edward, it's not that I don't want to…"

"But?"

"But I need the money. Missing two and a half hours today is a lot for me."

I looked around and crossed a street; the bakery was now in my view so I needed to wrap up my phone call.

"I could compensate."

I snorted. "That's not why I brought it up I just don't want to be a burden to Maggie. It's bad enough I have to take funking time off for all these therapy sessions."

"Maggie knows they are part of your rehabilitation," Edward countered. "I'm sure she understands."

"Even so, let's just skip lunch. Maybe you could pick me up after work instead. We could go shopping for some food and I'll cook you some dinner."

"Okay," Edward relented. "But only if you promise me you'll eat something."

I smiled. Edward was very thoughtful. "I promise. I'll see you soon."

I looked around and when I saw no one near me I made a kissy noise into the receiver, causing Edward to laugh.

"What was that?"

"A kiss, Cullen, it was a kiss. Take it or leave it," I challenged.

"I'll take it. I'll see you in a few hours."

"Bye."

"Goodbye Bella."

The bakery was near empty when I arrived. The early morning breakfast crowd had dissolved and Maggie was preparing things for the people who wanted to buy sandwiches and sweet treats for lunch or their mid-afternoon breaks.

"Bella!" she greeted me warmly. "How was your session?"

When I'd gotten the job, I'd told Maggie about my checkered past – well the more recent years of doing "business" on the streets and about the changes I wanted to make with the help of the Redemption Program and she had appreciated my honesty.

We'd agreed to share some of it with Gianna and Heidi, albeit in a nutshell. I didn't want anyone to think I was receiving some kind of special treatment from Maggie by having a few hours off sometimes.

"It was alright. The usual. She asks questions, I answer. She gives her insight. I try not to ignore it."

Maggie chuckled at that. "As long as it helps you."

"I hope it does." I smiled before I got to work.

A little before my shift ended Edward showed up at the bakery with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a single sun flower in the other; both were wrapped in cellophane.

Maggie left the counter to greet him and was pleasantly surprised Edward handed her the bouquet of mixed wildflowers.

He held the sunflower tightly and winked at me before accepting a hug from Maggie.

"You shouldn't have," she said.

"Of course I had to," Edward told her. "Thanks to your connections Bella got to bake with Jean-Claude Ferré and he was very impressed with her skills."

I wanted to argue and say it was no big deal but decided against it and finished cleaning up the glass display cases instead before I pulled off my apron and joined Maggie and Edward.

"I know. He called me first thing Monday morning to ask me where I had found Bella."

"Really?" Edward asked.

He turned to me. "You didn't tell me that."

I shrugged. "First time I'm hearing about it."

Jean-Claude Ferré was an interesting man, but very intense. Cooking with him had been amazing but I still preferred Maggie's calmer and softer demeanor.

Maggie nodded, smiling. "Yes, he was very impressed with Bella. He said you were a natural in the kitchen. Of course, that's no surprise to me."

She gave my arm a squeeze. "Now, why don't you two head off and start your weekend. Have fun at that charity ball tomorrow. I'll see you on Monday, Bella."

I grabbed my things and both Edward and I wished Maggie a good weekend and told her goodbye.

The moment we were outside, Edward took my hand and kissed my cheek before handing me the cellophane wrapped sunflower.

It was bright yellow and beautiful and put a smile on my face.

"What's this for?" I asked curiously.

"No reason in particular." Edward shrugged. "Can't I buy my girlfriend a flower?"

I smiled and nodded. "Why a sunflower? Isn't a red rose more customary?"

Edward frowned and seemed to think about this but then shook his head with a faint smile. "No. You're not the red roses type. You're too cool to be custom."

"Too cool?"

He nodded firmly, convinced of what he was saying. "You're tough, so you like tough and sturdy flowers. A sunflower is not as delicate as a rose. Plus, it's a happy flower. Roses are sort of depressing, don't you think? Overly dramatic actually."

Fuck, I loved it when he got all nerdy-sexy on me.

Wait? If I loved that _about_ him, did that mean I loved _him?_

Ugh, I had to stop trying to fucking confuse myself and make things complicated. Just feel, like Doctor Carmen had recommended.

I smiled broadly. "I agree, and I like sunflowers."

"Yes? I got it right?" He beamed, looking like a little boy who'd just gotten a sticker for good behavior or whatever.

I leaned in to brush my lips against his. "You always get it right."

As the words left my lips I realized how true they rang. Edward as a person and as a boyfriend had done everything right so far.

It brought me back to what Doctor Carmen had said about knowing when you loved someone. And allowing myself to feel that way without letting the past interfere.

I pondered that as I walked beside Edward in the grocery store. He was pushing the cart while I looked at him.

He was beautiful inside and out. And while it made little sense for him to love me, I kind of understood why he did. It wasn't fucking arrogance, mind you. It just hit me what Doctor Carmen meant when she had explained to me why Edward had told me and how he had probably not expected me to say it back and that that was why he'd never made an issue of me not reciprocating the feeling.

He loved me because that was how he felt. And while my rational side didn't understand why someone as good and pure could love someone as fucked up as me, my emotional side recognized his reasoning, or rather his feelings, all too well.

How could I not love Edward? Walking here with him, being with him, wanting to be with him every waking moment and every sleeping moment as well - perhaps that _was_ love.

Maybe I wanted too much. Maybe waiting for confirmation of some kind, waiting for a big sign or epiphany was ridiculous.

Maybe I should tell him now.

_Right, Bella. Why don't you tell the most amazing person you know that you love him in the middle of a store? How fucking romantic._

I sighed deeply, which of course caught Edward's attention.

He looked me over, his brow creased. "Are you alright?"

"Fine, just thinking," I told him.

"Yes? About what?"

"Something Doctor Carmen said."

I went around him and stopped at the aisle with vegetables. "Do you like ratatouille?"

Edward nodded absentmindedly. "Yes, it's fine. So what did Doctor Carmen say?"

"You know you're not supposed to ask me. It's a doctor-patient confidentiality thing."

Edward rolled his eyes and scoffed at me. "Since when has that held you back? Whatever she said, it sure has you distracted."

"I can't really explain it to you," I told him, as I grabbed eggplant, zucchini, some large tomatoes and some yellow bell peppers and placed them in our cart.

I then proceeded to the isle with bottled herbs with Edward following me.

"Try," he said as he halted the cart. "Try to explain."

I looked at him and his eyes were pleading. _Worried._

I leaned in and kissed his cheek "It's nothing bad. It's just one of those things she does to make me think. It drives me crazy."

Edward sighed deeply. "I'm sorry. Of course you don't have to tell me. I didn't mean to pry."

He flashed me a timid smile which made me feel guilty. Maybe I should just tell him. Even if I wasn't sure now. Sort of like a declaration in advance.

"Edward, I..."

_No, Bella. Don't be stupid. You don't pour your heart out in the middle of a fucking grocery store._

"Yes?"

"Do you want rice or sweet potatoes with the ratatouille?" I diverted quickly.

"What would suit better?"

"Rice," I said. "But you love yams so you must love sweet potatoes."

"I like rice too." Edward smiled.

I nodded. "Alright, rice it is."

After we finished shopping, we walked the few blocks to my apartment. Edward being the gentleman he was carried the bags while I toyed with my sun flower and thought about how nice it was to walk around with my boyfriend, to spend time with him and be close to him.

When we entered the building we ran into Mike, which soured my mood instantly.

"Bella!" he greeted me with a fake, cheerful voice. "And the boyfriend," he added with dripping sarcasm when he spotted Edward.

"Mike," Edward greeted him icily while I flashed Mike a nasty glare, hoping that would send him on his way without giving us a hassle.

But Mike Newton had never been very good at taking a hint. Instead, he pretended to check his mailbox, while I went through mine.

Edward stood beside me dutifully and kept his eyes on me. I could feel it even though I focused on the envelopes in my mail box.

"Just an FYI, Bella," Mike killed the weird silence suddenly. "I have a 'no fraternity' policy."

I frowned at his words, confused. "That's good for you, I guess. But this isn't a dorm room."

"I think he means 'no fraternization'," Edward commented and he sounded a little amused. "Like an office policy. Which means he won't date someone he works with. Is that a possibility in his line of work?" he asked me, ignoring a seething Mike.

Edward sounded sexy when he was mocking dumbass Newton and it made me chuckle.

"Well, Mike. I guess your 'no fraternity' policy," I misquoted deliberately to mock his mistake, "means you kicked Jessica to the curb? Or did she dump you?"

"Fuck you, Swan. You're the reason she can't be around here anymore."

I wanted to make a snarky comeback but I knew the fucker had a point, even if things were a little more complicated. And Mike may be an idiot but he knew how to push my buttons.

"Truth hurts, doesn't it, Bella," he whispered as he enunciated my name with deliberate precision. "And that little snark fest between you and your boy-toy just now – cute, but I don't give a fuck…

…you see, you may pay me some rent but he doesn't. Therefore I see no reason why he should spend the night. Because he does stay with you and you have yet to ask for permission or pay me, I could kick you out. What's the big shot word I'm looking for?" he asked, turning to Edward. "Oh yeah, _evict._ I could fucking evict you."

I stood there at a loss for words for a second but then reality hit me. This fucking asshole had no right to talk to me like this. Who the fuck did he think he was anyway?

"I fucking dare you!" I hissed. "Kick me out. Put some coke whore in my place. Guess how long it will take until you have a neighborhood committee checking your ass. Or maybe I should call the police and tell them where your favorite 'business' spots are!"

I tried to get in his face, his fucking smirking face, but Edward held me back. "Let it go, Bella. Let's go upstairs."

His hands came around my shoulders and he gently but firmly turned me so that I faced him. "He's not worth it."

He pulled me into his side and grabbed the grocery bags and led us away from Mike but not before the asshole could get in one last sneer.

"Once a whore, always a whore, Bella." he muttered. "You better pay me a hundred extra before next weekend or you're out."

"Fuck off," I hissed.

I was shaking with anger as Edward pulled me up the stairs, guiding me to my apartment. I was relieved when we found my floor empty. At least there was no Paul or any of his drug buddies to deal with too.

I fumbled with the key until Edward took it from me and unlocked the door with ease. Once the door was open he pulled me inside and closed the door behind us.

I stood there in silence, trying to calm myself when his voice rang out. "Bella, you have to get out of here. Even if that ass… jerk has no right to threaten to evict you, you don't belong here and I doubt it's safe."

"Ass-jerk?" I teased, his half curse lifting my anxiety a little.

"Bella," Edward warned. "Be serious. This isn't a joke."

"Fine. But I can't just grab my things and leave; I don't exactly have another place to go."

Edward seemed thoughtful for a minute.

"You could move in with me," he then suggested.

That sure had my jaw drop a bit. He wanted us to move in together? Like… a couple who'd live together? Whatever the fuck happened to taking it slow? It seemed we were fast forwarding at maximum speed.

"Edward, I…"

"Just until we find you an affordable place to stay. But staying here, with that jerk Mike Newton constantly bothering you, that's just not right," Edward was quick to point out.

"But move in with you, as in live together? That's not exactly 'taking it slow'," I reminded him. "What will people think?"

Edward shrugged as he started unpacking the groceries. "Who cares? It helps you; it helps me. The rest doesn't matter."

"How would it help you?" I asked curiously.

"Lots of good food." He winked. "I get to wake up next to you every morning," he added a little more shyly, which made my heart warm.

He continued unpacking and putting away groceries while I looked at him. He seemed completely serious about this. And sure he definitely had a point about the level of safety, not to mention dealing with a constant source of irritation, if I stayed here any longer. But then moving in together, even if it was temporary, was a huge deal, especially for two people who were both still trying to find themselves.

I could practically hear Doctor Carmen protesting from afar.

Edward seemed oblivious to the fact I was shamelessly checking him out and observing his every move.

It would certainly not be punishment to be close to him every day and night but wouldn't we be moving too fast?

I already felt like we were having a whirlwind romance and while we'd been doing fine so far, living together would create a whole new dynamic. I wasn't certain if we'd be able to fucking handle that. Things were still so fresh and we were still learning how to be a couple. Could we continue to learn if we were up in each other's business that much? Without much space to retreat if necessary?

"Bella?"

I looked up and watched Edward look at me curiously.

"Are you alright?"

"Don't you think this is all moving a bit too fast? I understand the practical side of it all but there are other things that come into play here. It's one thing to have the occasional sleep over and another to share an actual household."

"True, but like I said; it's temporary. And it's not like much would change. You work, I go to school. We'd only see each other in the evenings at night which is practically the same as we do now."

He had a point. But the issue for me ran a little deeper. I'd be giving up my independence if I moved in with Edward. I had no doubt that I was free and welcome to make his "casa" my "casa" but I was used to doing everything by myself, to take care of myself with no one else around. To have my own space when I needed it.

And then another realization hit me. Why it was so difficult to tell Edward I loved him.

Maybe it wasn't about not knowing how to love – I knew I had very strong feelings for Edward, so maybe that _was_ love - maybe it was about putting my heart, my feelings, in someone else's hands.

If I told Edward I loved him, he held power over me, over my feelings. And while Edward was the last person in the world to disappoint me or betray my trust, if something happened, for instance if he wanted to become a priest after all, he'd leave me.

Like all the others had left me. My dad, my mom. They'd supposed to love me and never had, so it didn't mean shit that they had left me.

But Edward, he claimed to love me and I believed him like I had never believed anyone else, but if he left me, what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to deal with that, if I'd put my heart and feelings on the line?

I took a deep breath and suddenly felt two arms wrap around me. "You never tell me what you're thinking."

"Yes I do."

"But you edit. And you seem to be thinking about things so very often. Is this about my offer or about something else? Perhaps that thing you can't explain to me?"

I rested my head against his chest and breathed in. He smelled like fabric softener and boy. Comforting and familiar. Pure and honest. He smelled like home.

"Does it bother you I didn't say it back?"

Edward pulled away and looked at me quizzically.

"Say back what?"

"I love you," I mumbled. "I didn't say it back."

"Oh, that," Edward said, surprisingly casual. "No, it doesn't bother me."

"No?"

Edward led me to the sofa, shaking his head. "No. Bella, I told you that because it's how I feel and I wanted you to know that you are loved. That _I_ love you. For me it was the right moment to say it but I never expected for you to say it back."

"You didn't?"

Edward chuckled softly as he lifted my chin. "Bella, I like to think I know you a bit better now. I know you're not ready for this. Your reaction to my suggestion to move in with me was a strong hint but I was aware before that. I am happy you're with me and that we're figuring out this relationship together. But I don't want to push you into saying things…

…maybe I shouldn't have told you," he muttered to himself.

"No, no!" I rushed to say. "I'm glad you told me. It means so much that you did. And I hope you know that you are the most important person in my life. You are my life and I don't want to lose you..."

"Bella," Edward said as he stroked my cheek. "You won't lose me. I'm here."

"Though I admit I'd prefer it if we didn't have to be here. I'll say it again; this place isn't safe. I mean, Angela is always with Ben nowadays and I bet it's for similar reasons because she doesn't feel safe either all by herself."

I nodded. "That, or the fact he has a Jacuzzi," I teased.

"He does?"

"Beats me." I shrugged with a smile. "But I somehow think that plan of moving in with Angie is not going to work. I wouldn't be surprised if she moves in with Ben soon. She's already spending most of her time there."

"So, does that mean you'll at least consider my offer?"

I didn't answer him and instead pulled his face to mine to kiss him deeply. He had to know how much he meant to me and that I was the screw up with emotions all over the place, not him.

"I will think about it," I promised as I pulled away.

"Good. Now, how about we start some dinner. Ratatouille I believe it was?"

"Ratatouille." I nodded as I pulled Edward into the kitchen.

* * *

Saturday was hectic because Esme and Rosalie insisted I'd spend the day with them to get ready for the charity ball.

Now you'd think that my former profession would have left me with an affection for primping and preening but honestly I hated it. Especially in the form of having a beauty day with other girls. But if I had to do it, it might as well be with Rosalie and Esme.

"Okay, so we'll be back around six," Emmett told us.

We were at the Cullen residence and the boys were going to hang out, whatever that meant in guy-talk, while we were getting ready.

Doctor Deacon was absent, which relieved me since I hadn't been looking forward to running into him in his own home, worried he'd do or say something to show I wasn't really welcome here.

"Will you be alright?"

I turned to Edward who gave me a cautious smile.

"You always ask me that," I muttered teasingly. "But don't worry, I'll be fine. You know I like your mother and Rosalie."

Edward nodded and leaned in to kiss me softly, which unfortunately got caught by Emmett who started wailing loudly.

"Bella and Edward sitting in a tree; K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

I chuckled while Edward sighed deeply. "I profusely apologize for my brother."

"It's alright," I assured him. "I know he's a little weird."

"Hey!" Emmett protested loudly. "I'm not weird; I'm special!"

"To think I have to spend the entire afternoon with him. Maybe I should stay here with you girls."

He sounded hopeful which made me long for him to stay. But Esme and Rosalie would never have that and Emmett seemed far too eager to spend time with his younger brother with the way he was bouncing up and down.

"No way Eddie-boy. You are coming with me," he boomed before he dragged Edward away from me.

I stood there, smiling at the way Edward argued with Emmett while he grinned and gestured wildly as they walked off.

"They are something else, huh?" a voice commented from behind me.

I turned and found a smiling Rosalie standing there.

"That's one of my favorite things about Emmett. He's always upbeat no matter what. I love that about him."

_Love._

That word again.

And suddenly I felt curious; I wanted to know how Rosalie would interpret that feeling, how she knew she loved Emmett.

"Rosalie," I started hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Bella. You can ask me anything," she encouraged me with a smile.

I took a deep breath and thought about how I wanted to formulate the question I wanted to ask.

"How did you know you loved Emmett?" I asked bluntly. "What made you realize that you loved him?"

Rosalie smiled. "I am not sure. I don't think it was one ultimate moment. It was just something that grew over time. I started noticing things about him that I loved, like his smile and the way he always tried to make me laugh and it sort of grew that way."

"Edward told me he loves me, during our date," I blurted out.

Rosalie's eyes went wide for a moment but then she started smiling widely. "Wow. That's huge."

I nodded. "It is."

"And so unlike Edward, so it must be really important to him. Wow, he loves you." She swooned.

"I didn't say it back," I told her shyly.

"Well, you shouldn't tell someone because they say it; you should tell them when you mean it, when you feel it."

"I know. Edward told me that he said it because he means it and wants me to feel loved."

"Aww, who knew he was such a romantic," Rosalie cooed gently. "You've definitely changed him."

I sighed. "I wish I could tell him. I wish I could feel the same."

Rosalie frowned, her initial smile disappearing. "You don't feel the same?"

Worried she'd get the wrong impression, I hastily shook my head. "No, I care so much about him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. If I would lose him – I can't even think about that. But I don't know how it feels to love someone. I guess I just expected to have one 'wow' moment but maybe it doesn't work that way."

Rosalie's smile reappeared. "You want to love him."

I nodded. More than anything I wanted that.

Rosalie's smile widened.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"Don't you see, Bella? The fact he is the best thing in your life, that you don't want to lose him, that you want to love him; that _is_ love. Like I said, it doesn't have to be one whopping moment. It can be but it doesn't have to be."

"I love him?" I asked, bewildered but hopeful.

"I think you do. But you need to see it for yourself. _Feel_ it for yourself."

"My therapist said something similar but I don't know if I am capable to realize it," I admitted.

"I think you're afraid but that you are definitely capable."

"Maybe I'm over thinking this," I muttered. "I just want Edward to know how important he is to me."

"Well," Rosalie said, musing. "We can start by getting you ready for tonight. I know it means a lot to him that you'll be his date."

"You're right," I agreed. "Let's get started."

* * *

"I think I need more mascara. Does my lipstick look smudged?"

She really didn't need more mascara and her lipstick looked fine but Rosalie was nervous. Nervous because she looked stunning in her burgundy red dress but since she looked more bold and noticeable than in previous years, she was freaking out and kept plucking at her dress and fluffing her blonde locks that were styled in loose waves.

Esme and I had tried to convince her that she looked amazing but I believed she worried about what Emmett might think. Personally, I had no doubt he would love it. What guy wouldn't?

The good thing about Rosalie's nerves was that it left little room to focus on my own. I felt both underdressed and overdressed in my midnight blue dress. Underdressed because up front it looked almost plain with the only exciting detail being the fabric that swirled at the waist. It had a modest neckline and I guess it might look a little boring because it wasn't as "VA VA Va Voom" as Rosalie's dress or as extravagant as Esme's.

But that was only in the eye of the beholder who could see the dress from the front because the moment I'd turn around, I'd display plenty of skin.

The backline was dipped very low and left most of my shoulders and upper-back exposed. That seemed quite overdressed and more importantly, not appropriately dressed for something as fancy as a charity ball.

"You look lovely in that color, dear," Esme complimented me as she glanced at me while I stared at myself in the mirror.

"Thank you. I have to say the same for you. You look amazing, Esme."

She was wearing her cognac colored dress with wide flowing skirt, a boat neckline and lacy short capped sleeves. Her makeup was chique with smoky eyes in brown tints and her honey colored hair was styled in small curls.

"Well, I am a doctor's wife tonight." She winked. "I have to 'compete'," she air-quoted, "with the best of them."

I nodded with a grin, still grateful she had shared her own story with me.

"Edward is going to be blown away," she smiled. "You are a vision."

I smiled shyly. I did like the color of dress and my hair which was shiny and styled similarly to Rosalie's 'do, except with me it were natural waves that I'd swept over my shoulders.

I had a black lacy wrap with actual sleeves that covered me up nicely in case Edward had a problem with the bareness of my dress.

I stood in front of the mirror in Esme and Doctor Deacon's bedroom while Esme fussed around me with Carlisle's tuxedo.

He was supposed to come home any minute from his hospital shift.

I froze the moment I heard him come up the stairs, calling out for his wife.

"Esme, sweetheart? Where are you?"

"We're in here!" she called out.

"I should go downstairs, check on Rosalie. Make sure she doesn't poke herself with that mascara brush," I excused myself but couldn't prevent from nearly colliding with Doctor Deacon in the doorway to the bedroom. As we almost clashed he jumped back a little instead of trying to steady me or himself.

Heaven forbid he'd have to touch the whore. Literally.

I wobbled a bit on the simple, black, open-toed heels I wore but managed to steady myself quickly before Esme would notice any of the awkwardness exchanged between us.

We both remained in our place, me in his bedroom and he in the doorway, standing there silently. I looked at my feet and I was pretty sure he was watching me. Scrutinizing, no doubt.

Just when I couldn't take it anymore and almost went fucking back to my more abrasive nature to call him out, Esme came up behind me.

"Carlisle, don't just stand there, you have to change. The boys will be here soon!"

I moved to the side then, so that he could pass.

"Isabella." He nodded, which irked me because I fucking hated that name and he knew it.

"Doctor Cullen." I smiled politely, even though his stance still pissed me off, before I hurried out of the bedroom.

The audible gasp from his lips when he saw the back of the dress did not go unnoticed as I fled down the stairs.

Once I was down there and found Rosalie nursing a glass of white wine in the living room – probably to calm her irrational but understandable nerves - I realized I'd forgotten my wrap. I walked back up the stairs and debated whether to call out at Esme to ask her to bring the wrap down with her when she'd come downstairs or walk back into the bedroom to get it myself and risk more awkwardness.

The decision however, was made for me when I was almost at the top of the stairs and I could hear Esme's voice raised.

"Don't you dare!"

"Esme, did you see what she is wearing? She's practically naked!"

"No she's not. You're being ridiculous. Bella looks lovely. The back is appropriate for a girl her age"

"Don't you mean for a girl with her profession?"

"Carlisle! Stop! Bella is working very hard to sort herself out," I could hear Esme say sternly. "Edward is in love with her and she with him. This is a big night for both of them."

"No! It's an embarrassment to me and it will be to Edward as well."

My face fell and my heart hammered in my chest as I heard them argue about the way I looked and what effect that might fucking have on Edward.

I hated how one man with an overgrown superiority complex could make me feel so small and cheap. I fucking fought against tears that were threatening to spill but I couldn't fight the feeling of dread that spread through my chest.

If Doctor Deacon thought I was looking inappropriate what would Edward think? What if _he _found me cheap? I mean, I didn't give a fuck about Doctor Deacon's bizarre prejudice. But what if Edward would be ashamed to be seen with me? I didn't want to ruin his reputation nor have people talk about him.

What if…

"Wow…"

I froze on the stairs as that familiar velvet and soft voice sounded close to me.

I was afraid to turn around, knowing Edward was right behind me with a perfect view on my very exposed back.

But before I could rush past him or speak, possibly apologize for looking this way with no intention to embarrass him, I felt two arms around my waist, coaxing me to move down the stairs.

Once we were there, Edward didn't hesitate to twist me around and pull me into his arms. His lips found mine and he kissed me with fervor. He kept me close as his fingers traced my back, while mine found their way into his hair. It would have been embarrassing to make out like this in his parents' house but we were too distracted and caught up in the moment to care.

When Edward finally pulled away, I could see the jade green in his eyes burning; the flames dancing and shining with awe and excitement.

"So fucking beautiful." He winked with a soft smile, his random use of a curse word making me giggle and sob at the same time.

Edward's face fell as his eyes raked over my face.

"What's wrong? And why were you on the stairs?"

I shook my head, not wanting to cause a scene. "I forgot my wrap, to cover over my dress. It's in your parents' bedroom. I wanted to go get it but they were talking so I didn't want to interrupt."

"So you eavesdropped instead?"

I nodded sheepishly.

"They were talking about you, weren't they?" Edward said grimly.

Another nod from me.

"What did _he_ say?" Edward spat, guessing who the culprit that had upset me was.

"Please forget about it," I pleaded. "It's not worth the hassle."

"He made you cry," Edward growled and I had to tighten my grip on his arm to prevent him from going back upstairs to confront his dad.

Luckily, before he could do anything, Esme came down the stairs, carrying my black wrap, announcing we were soon leaving. But when she saw Edward's locked jaw and my worried face her smile faded.

"Where is he?" Edward spat. "He made Bella cry; she overheard you when she wanted to get her wrap."

"Edward," she shushed him "Believe me when I say, I gave him a piece of my mind. Bella, I am so sorry you had to hear that. I know it's no excuse but he needs time to get used to all these changes in Edward's life."

"It's not an excuse," Edward said icily. "His behavior is absurd. And someone needs to tell him that."

"Please, dear; not tonight," Esme pleaded with her son.

"Your mother is right; let's not let this ruin our evening."

He sighed deeply but relented. "I won't let this slide though," he warned.

"Of course, dear. Give him an earful at a later time. Believe me, I will too." She winked at me, which made me feel a little better. "Now have you taken a good look at Bella? Doesn't she look stunning?" She beamed at Edward. "By the way, you look handsome too, sweetheart," she added as she kissed her son's cheek.

And he did. He wasn't wearing a custom tux, he was wearing a very expensive looking midnight blue suit – the color fit my dress - with a white button down and a skinny tie underneath.

So edible and sexy.

"You look wonderful, Mom. So does Rosalie." He smiled.

But then as his dad descended the stairs, he laid a warm hand on my bare back and drew me in close.

"But nothing can compare to _my _Bella," he spoke fiercely knowing his dad would hear, before he planted a gentle kiss on my shoulder blade. "There are few words to describe her beauty."

His dad shot him a look I couldn't decipher but I could feel Edward's lips curl into a satisfied and triumphant smile against my hair.

Doctor Deacon had gotten something more than just an earful. He'd gotten a glimpse at the new Edward.

* * *

Because Emmett had brought his Jeep which could only fit him and Rosalie, we were forced to ride with Edward's parents, which made the drive to the charity ball silent and extremely awkward.

The atmosphere in the car was fucking tense. Edward was rubbing gentle circles on my hand as I snuggled into his side, feeling as if it could fucking protect me from Doctor Deacon's holier than thou attitude.

Esme tried to diffuse some of the anxiety by talking about last year's event animatedly but it was pointless. The way Doctor Deacon kept sneaking glances at Edward and me made me feel like I was about to snap and Edward seemed like he could do the same.

I was relieved when Esme announced we were there but my anxiety returned tenfold when I noticed where this event was going to take place.

At a fucking mansion. A large fucking mansion filled with people. Rich people no doubt. Rich people who probably loved to judge; well if they were anything like Doctor Deacon and his insane morals.

I must have fucking gasped because Esme turned to smile at me. "Impressive, isn't it? It's the first time it's held here. In previous years it was always at the Hilton Hotel, but this year an anonymous donor offered us this gorgeous location."

I plastered a smile on my face and nodded. I was so fucking in over my head here. And Doctor Deacon probably knew it too. I bet he was hoping I'd fail so Edward would see he'd made a mistake.

Doctor Deacon parked the car and as he helped Esme out, Edward did the same for me.

When the cool night air hit me, he didn't hesitate to pull me into his arms. "It's overwhelming, isn't it?"

I nodded weakly, feeling silly for acting so insecure. I was here for Edward and I shouldn't give a fuck what Doctor Deacon thought.

"Come on," Edward said as he kept me close while we started walking. "I won't leave your side. I promise."

We met up with Rosalie and Emmett at the entrance of the mansion. It was very grotesque with a large marble staircase and large pillars that held up the roof of the entrance.

Two men in typical servants' suits welcomed us and inside there were two women who took coats, wraps etcetera into the coatroom. When Rosalie and Esme handed their overcoats to one of the wardrobe ladies, I was forced to do the same, even though I could feel Doctor Deacon's prying eyes on me.

But it was Edward who decided for me, by gently taking the black, lacy wrap off my shoulders, unveiling the low cut of the dress by softly tracing his fingers down my spine.

"You're perfect," he whispered reassuringly. "Absolutely perfect."

After feeling my nerves calm a little I really had the time to look around.

There were marble floors, golden statues and even an indoor fountain. There was expensive art on the half-paneled walls and painted naked religious figures on the ceiling. In a corner there was even a small altar with burning candles.

"Looks like a replica of the Sistine Chapel," Edward murmured and I nodded meekly as I tried to push back my emotions.

The mansion's décor threw me instantly and warped me back to times I'd tried to forget. The interior of this hallway was typically Aro. The grandeur, the affection for religious relics. It was so much like him.

I took a deep breath, which Edward noticed. "Are you alright?"

I nodded. "Just bad memories," I murmured.

It was so silly. I had to let it go. Aro wasn't here. Plenty of wealthy people wanted to fucking display their wealth and religion in the same way he had.

"Shall we proceed to the ballroom," Esme suggested, pointing at the people who were entering a room past the giant staircase.

Edward never let me go as he guided me to the room, his warm hand was a steady feature on my bare back, his lips occasionally brushing my hair.

"Relax," he whispered, reminding me. "I'm with you."

I wanted to fucking relax but I was wound so tight I believed anything could make me snap.

When we entered the giant ball room it was already filled with people. The décor was as over the top as the hallway; it had the same wooden panels lining the walls but also a shiny marble floor and golden statues in the corners of the long expanding room. Once again I was hit by the similarities and the déjà vu between this place and what I remembered of Aro's taste.

I looked around but none of the faces looked familiar, that made me feel a little better. It was all random, a coincidence at best.

As we walked into the room further, several people greeted Doctor Deacon and Esme with handshakes and cheek kisses.

Edward stayed by my side as Rosalie and Emmett appeared next to us.

"Hmm." She frowned as she nodded her head into the direction of a group of women standing a few feet away, eyeing the four of us curiously.

"Hyenas," she muttered and then put on her fakest smile and dragged me on over.

"Believe me," she whispered. "The sooner they know who you are, the sooner they'll go back to gossiping about other things."

"Are they the ones you and Esme commented on at the dress store?"

"Yes. The youngest, the blonde in the purple dress and her hair in chiffon, that's Claire. The woman next to her is Mildred, her mother. Biggest harpies you'll ever meet. Claire has had a crush on Edward for years and Mildred has been trying to get Esme to set them up together. When Esme declined, she spread the rumor Edward was gay."

"What?" I asked, taken aback. "That's insane."

"It is. That's why we need to put these harpies in their place. Just follow my lead."

"Gotcha," I said.

I turned and found an oblivious Edward behind me, trying to concentrate on whatever Emmett was saying to him but seemingly distracted by… my naked backside. His pupils seemed wider. Diluted.

Was Edward aroused by my look? The idea certainly fucking pleased me. Especially in front of these tools who'd spread false rumors around him.

"Rosalie, darling!" the one named Claire cooed as soon as we were close enough. "You certainly look bold this year."

She did some fake kisses in the air as she touched the fabric of Rosalie's dress. "Who knew you could be sexy?"

Oh, they were _that_ type; the type to trash anyone who didn't want to fit within their silly little society clique. No wonder Esme and Rosalie hated these bitches.

"Rosalie is very sexy because she's a naturally beautiful woman," I piped up before Rosalie could say a word in defense. Then I reached for Edward's hand. "Hi there. I'm Bella; Edward's girlfriend"

Mother and daughter's arrogant expressions faltered a little as Edward wrapped his arm around my waist.

"Claire, Mildred, ladies," he greeted the group. "Hope you are enjoying yourselves."

"Edward!" Mildred cheered. Clearly she was the most unimpressed out of the bunch as she leaned in and kissed his cheek. Her perfume was nauseating and Rosalie and I shared an eye roll when we looked at each other.

"You have a girlfriend; your mother must be thrilled."

Edward shrugged as he pulled me closer. "Almost as thrilled as I am. Bella is amazing."

Emmett seemed to want to chime in as well and in true Emmett fashion he decided to drop the verbal filter.

"Rosie, baby… want to dance? It would be a shame to stand here and yap with these jealous hags when you can put your very sexy self on display to make them wish they looked this good."

Burn bitches! And score Emmett!

Rosalie beamed at Emmett and took his hand, leaving Edward and I to our own devices as five pairs of eager, disapproving and mocking eyes scrutinized us.

"Want to get out of here? Have a moment of privacy before dinner starts?" Edward said not so subtly, pressing a kiss on my neck before he started tugging on my arm. "I don't think we need to waste time on this bunch."

The jade of his eyes was burning, pleading me to go with him.

"Gladly," I said as I took his hand eagerly while the bitches behind me stood there, mouths agape.

Edward pulled me into his arms as soon as we were back in the lavish hallway.

"It got a little crowded in there," he smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry they are so ridiculous."

"Don't worry about it," I said as I reached out for the cow's lick of bronze that was now covering Edward's forehead, sweeping it back into place.

"I have mentioned you look sensational, yes?"

"A few times," I grinned. "So do you, by the way. Very dashing."

"Yes, well, you look very kissable."

"Hmm." I smiled but before Edward could lean in to kiss me, we were interrupted.

"Pardon me," someone called out behind us.

I froze in Edward's arms as the cadence of the voice behind me sunk into my bones and triggered my memory, slamming into me like a herd of angry bulls.

Fuck, it couldn't be.

"Bella?" Edward asked me, concern lacing his voice.

I pressed my head against Edward shoulder and willed the panic to go away.

As I felt the figure brush past us I looked up, catching a glimpse of sandy colored hair as the figure rounded a corner.

"You know that man?"

When I spoke, my voice was barely audible.

"That's Demetri."

* * *

**A/N: I know, cliffhangers are evil. Also, give Bella some time in the "I Love You" department. She's not programmed the same way as Edward. **

**I'm not purposely making Doctor Deacon (aka Carlisle :P) an ass. I think he lashes out when he's confronted with the unknown. He doesn't know what to make of Bella and bases everything he says and does on prejudice. Guess that means he'll have to get to know her ;)**

**Links to the girls' dresses. I "created" them myself because I couldn't find real life dresses that fit what I had in mind. It looks a little wonky but gives you an impression.**

**Bella: http:(double slash)/i44(dot)tinypic(dot)com/259x451(dot)jpg**

**Rose/Esme: http:(double slash)i41(dot)tinypic(dot)com/34pmmi0(dot)jpg**

**Edward is wearing the Gucci suit Rob Pattinson wore at the Golden Globes 2011. Not because Edward IS Rob; I just love the suit. (And Rob but that's a different thing)**

**As always thanks for all the love and support. It means the world!**

**Happy Sunday, happy Almost Hallowe'en!**


	41. Prodigal

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

**This chapter is both Bella and Edward POV**

* * *

**CHAPTER 39: PRODIGAL**

"Demetri?"

The name burned on my lips as I tried to remember if I'd ever heard it before. There had to be some sort of significance, except it rang no immediate bells for me. All I could come up with was that this man might be a former client of Bella.

_Bella_ – she remained stiff and silent as she leaned her head against my chest, leaving me to wonder what she was thinking.

She didn't permit me a glimpse though because she remained completely silent. We just stood there; her heart thundering against mine as I gently rubbed her back to soothe her.

"Bella," I tried again softly. "Who is Demetri?"

I could feel her shudder against me once, the movement vibrating through my body. Then she steadied herself and lifted her head to look at me.

"It's not important, okay. I just thought I saw someone familiar but I must have been mistaken." The smile she produced was bordering on maniacal; a fabrication to ease my mind. Her dismissal was a lie. And I wasn't sure who she was trying to convince; me or herself.

"Are you sure? Because you're trembling. Bella, please don't lie to me."

"Can we talk about it later when we get home?" she whispered. "Now is not the time."

Bella shivered against me and I realized how worked up she was and how badly she was trying to compose herself. I was torn between wanting to know what was going on and obliging her request to talk about it later. I pulled her tightly into my arms. "We don't have to stay. Do you want to get out of here?"

Bella shook her head. "No. We came here to have a good time. We got all dressed up and everything. So we should stay."

"Are you sure?"

Bella nodded, lifting her head to face me. "Yes. I'm sure. Besides, I want to show you off to those harpies," she added with a small _real_ smile.

I read her face and tried to find any insincerity there. The happiness I'd seen in her eyes before this man had crossed paths with us was now obscured and I hated that, especially because I had no idea who he was and what part he'd played in Bella's life.

But she seemed determined to stay and so I had no choice but to respect that and make the most of our evening.

So I returned a bigger smile and traced my finger along her cheekbone. "I prefer showing you off to those… _harpies."_

Bella leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. For once she didn't have to stretch to her tiptoes to reach me because her heels made up for the natural difference in height.

"Thank you," she whispered when she pulled away. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'll never have to find out. But promise me we'll talk about this later. I don't want to push you but this is important."

"I promise, but can we please have a little fun now?"

I had no choice but to agree even though I wasn't certain if staying to "have a little fun" would be the right thing to do. Bella was already a bit anxious because she felt out of place here – my father certainly didn't make her feel very welcome - and now there was the added stress of someone from her past walking around here. It baffled me that she was so determined on staying.

I wanted nothing more but to give Bella a pleasant evening and show her off a little but the idea that there was someone here she knew without knowing who this person was, turned me into a bundle of nerves and made me feel very anxious.

I couldn't wait to get home to get the story.

* * *

**BPOV**

I couldn't fucking tell Edward. Not here. Not now. Not when I had no idea what the fuck Demetri's presence implied.

It felt like everything that I'd been trying to outrun for six fucking years was now catching up with me and fucking fast too.

Demetri was here. Which meant this mansion was in fact owned by Aro. The interior, the fact Demetri was here, there was no doubt in my mind. That also meant Aro was the anonymous donor who had so "graciously" offered up this location to hold the charity event; the one Esme had spoken of earlier.

I wasn't delusional enough to think this was all a fucking coincidence. Aro wasn't here to play Mr. Charity. He was here to send a message.

He'd found me.

Surprisingly enough I didn't feel instant alarm now that the initial shock had worn off.

And because I knew how much this night meant to Edward, and I'd be damned if I allowed my past to fucking ruin it, I was determined to push my worries to the side.

Just for tonight.

* * *

**EPOV**

Taking Bella back into that ballroom was difficult. I could feel how tense she was as she clung to me, holding my arm in a death grip.

She was trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, but for what? And for whom? I didn't want Bella to feel extra uncomfortable for the sake of saving the evening.

"We could still leave," I whispered my offer as I gazed around the room in hopes to spot my family. "We _really_ don't have to stay," I stressed again.

Bella halted, tightening her grip on my arm forcing me to stop walking too.

"I'm fine and we're staying," she said coolly. "You think I'd give your father the satisfaction of creating drama so he has another thing to dislike me for?"

Her face faltered and her eyes started getting watery.

"Sssh, it's okay. My father had no right to treat you the way he did. I'm sorry for that. Believe me, he hasn't heard the last of it."

I leaned in and brushed away a lone tear that was threatening to roll down her cheek.

"We'll stay if that's what you really want. But the moment it gets too uncomfortable, we're leaving."

I noticed a few people on the dance floor, including Emmett who was spinning a smiling Rosalie around.

"Would you like to dance?"

Bella hesitated. "I don't know…"

"Would you rather sit at the table with my father giving us his evil eye?"

Bella raised her eyebrow. "Evil eye? Are you even allowed to say that as a man of religion?"

I snorted. "When are you going to stop mocking that?"

"Never." Bella grinned innocently.

"Fine, let's call it the stink eye. So, what do you want?"

"I guess dancing is better," Bella said unconvincingly.

"Please, you're killing me with your enthusiasm," I teased her.

"I'm sorry. It's just that I'm a terrible dancer."

"Well, I happen to be pretty good," I boasted teasingly. "Better than Emmett," I added with a wink as I nodded my head in my brother's direction.

"So?"

"So… Miss Swan, would you do me the honor of sharing a dance with you?" I fake bowed as I kept my hand over my heart.

"Oh, why not," Bella said in a mock posh voice. "I suppose I could spare you one."

Happy I'd managed to lighten the mood a little, I escorted Bella onto the small dance floor in the middle of the room. Emmett winked at us while Rosalie waved as I pulled Bella into my arms.

She rested her head against my chest and I held our hands between us against my chest as we moved slowly.

"See, you're dancing," I teased

"Well, I'm not falling at least," Bella mumbled. "You are a very good dancer."

"It's all in the leading," I said confidently. "And I don't mind holding you this close."

"I don't mind either," Bella whispered as she lifted her head so she could look at me.

"I'm sorry for being such a mess," she said. "My stupid baggage always seems to follow me around."

"You're not a mess. You're gorgeous and strong. Anyone would feel bad when confronted with their past like that. I have to admit I wish you would tell me who that man was."

"I promised you we will talk later," Bella said. "And I swear we will. I just want to enjoy myself with you. That's what we came here to do."

* * *

**BPOV**

Swaying in Edward's arms was easy and safe despite the fact I truly couldn't dance. I had lessons as a teen; plenty of fucking lessons that I'd been forced into by Aro but somehow coordinating my body in tune and in time with the steps and the music had always proven too impossible. I just couldn't get a grasp on the rhythm.

Aro had always fucking hated that. He was all about the arts and the sciences. The perfection of body and mind, and I had never possessed both. I was smart enough to excel in the science department but I'd remained uncoordinated and no amount of dance classes could ever improve my balance.

Despite the fucking fact Demetri was here and Aro might be here as well, I wasn't as panicked as I probably should've been. I knew Aro well enough to know he didn't fucking hover. Even if he knew I was here – and I wasn't certain of that - he wouldn't jump out from somewhere and claim me. He was far more calculating than that.

Fuck, he may not even care. This could all be a coincidence.

_Really, Bella?_

Yeah, I didn't really believe that myself. Aro didn't do coincidences.

"You're tense," Edward murmured in my hair.

I wanted to scoff at him for pointing out the obvious but he didn't deserve my wrath. He was the only good thing in my world and I'd be fucking damned if I let anything ruin that.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I just wish…"

* * *

**EPOV**

"What? What do you wish for?"

Anything she wanted I'd give her. Just to get the tension out of her body.

"I wish I wasn't ruining your evening. I know how important this evening is to you."

What? She was worried about me? Silly Bella; she always had everything so upside down.

"Bella, look at me," I said, gently coaxing her to lift her head so she could read the sincerity in my eyes.

When she obliged I flashed her a small smile. "This night is not about me; I could not care less where we spend it, as long as we spend it together. That's all I want."

"But your dad," she started to argue.

"I told you, I don't care what he thinks. I will act respectful and not make a scene even though he deserves to be put in his place, but please don't for a second think this night is important to me because of him."

"But your mom spoke with such enthusiasm," Bella said. "I thought this was a huge yearly event for your family."

"Of course she does, she has to. I think a part of her enjoys dressing up for a night and she understands how important it is to my father to make a good impression amongst his peers. It is a huge event in that sense. Plus, my mother likes giving back to the community. I believe that's what she enjoys the most."

"And you?"

I smiled. "I've spent year after year standing next to my father, listening to him praising me and showing me off."

Me, the golden boy a Bella had described it before. The chosen one following the path my father had wanted to follow before he met my mother. He would boast to his colleagues about my studies and my grades. About my involvement with the church and the purity of my character. I realized now he had spoken in the context of his own dreams and wishes and had shown me off like a monkey doing tricks.

After all, if he was truly proud of me because I was his son, he would have done the same tonight, except now with Bella at my side. He would have been proud to introduce her and add that to the list of things to boast about.

But he had done no such thing. In fact, while he kept stealing frequent glances in our direction, he had not once made the effort to engage in conversation nor had he introduced Bella to any of his colleagues. I guess his pretence did have its limits.

"That must have been tough for you."

"A little, but I was used to it. And back then that was who I was. I think it was more difficult to hide from the group of women you met earlier. Believe me, that was a challenge."

Bella chuckled; a sincere smile ghosting her lips. "Poor baby," she cooed before she leaned in to kiss my cheek. "It's a good thing I'm here then."

I didn't hesitate for a second to press my lips to hers. "It's a good thing indeed. Very good."

* * *

**BPOV**

Without Edward here I would have broken down and run by now. He was distracting me, giving me what I needed and craved so desperately; normalcy.

But really, that was a fucking joke because there was nothing normal about being here, about having to defend myself from the disapproving looks Doctor Deacon kept shooting me. I was very much aware that he hated me with a fiery passion but his blatant ogling and creepy stares were seriously disturbing. I always believed that while he hated me he loved his son and would at the very least respect Edward's choice and ultimate decision to be with me. But now I believed I was wrong. The only reason he didn't outright speak his mind was because Esme held him back.

Edward and I stayed on the dance floor for a long time, until a man in what seemed to be a butler's uniform announced that dinner would soon be served.

That was my cue to excuse myself to freshen up. Edward offered to go with me but Rosalie stopped him and took his place instead, telling him it was a "girl thing."

Leaving Edward's side didn't make me as fucking nervous as I should have been, knowing I could run into Demetri at any given time if he was still here.

In fact, in a way I was hoping to run into him. Demetri had never scared me as a person. He'd always been good to me and he'd saved me once. That night, the night I had escaped Aro and Chicago, Demetri had caught me as I had tried to sneak out. But there had been so much commotion that demanded his attention that he'd been forced to look the other way; forced to let me go.

He could have fucking stopped me but I believed that letting me go was his way of apologizing for the years of torment I'd suffered at Aro's hands; torment Demetri had been very much aware of but never been able to stop because he knew better than to directly go against anything Aro did.

"Bella?"

I looked in the large mirror with a silver gilded frame that covered the entire rich marble wall of the ladies room.

Rosalie was looking at me, her smile wide and relaxed as she touched up on her lipstick.

"Yes?"

Before I knew what she was doing she came over and hugged me. I hesitated for a second before I wrapped my arms around her as well.

"Thank you," Rosalie whispered. "I don't think I have ever had as much fun at this event as I am having tonight."

_Good for her,_ I thought. That made one of us. But better Rosalie than me. She needed and deserved it much more than I did.

"You're welcome," I said sincerely when she pulled away. "I'm glad you're having a good time."

Rosalie walked back to the mirror and fluffed her hair before she turned back to me.

"Are you ready to go back out there? They're about to serve dinner and I'm starving."

The strange gurgling sound that bubbled between us emphasized her need to get fed.

"You go ahead, I'll be right out." I smiled

"Are you sure?"

I nodded and sent her on her way with a wave.

I felt relatively calm as I stared back at my reflection. I was about to sit at a table with some people who had their opinions of me; good and bad, and a few who would treat me as a novelty because I was the new girl at their table. It was like going back to fucking high school.

I took a deep breath and cooled myself by splashing some water on my face. I could do this. As long as Edward was with me.

When the wooden door creaked as it swung back open, I didn't look up instantly and my face hovered above the sink as slow and calculated footsteps approached me.

It wasn't Rosalie who'd walked back in. There was no clicking of heels.

I looked up and was met with cool, blue eyes and sandy colored hair. It was longer than I remembered.

He looked older too.

"Isabella."

The name ripped away the clean band-aid Edward had applied over my wounds.

"Demetri."

I was not going to be afraid.

* * *

**EPOV**

I saw Rosalie walking back into the large dining room.

But there was no sign of Bella following behind her.

My eyes searched Rosalie's but she was too busy navigating her way to our table on the high heels she was wearing.

When she made it and took her seat, she finally met my gaze.

"Where's Bella?" I asked though it sounded more like a demand.

"Oh, she needed a moment longer. You know how girls are." She smiled. A smile that should have relieved me, one that was supposed to say "everything is alright."

But it didn't serve that purpose. Because Bella wasn't the type of girl who would fuss and fluff in front of a mirror.

I believed she was stalling.

Stalling because she didn't want to sit here at the risk of being scrutinized as she ate, as she spoke. Or where she would be ignored in conversations if my father had any say in it.

I looked at the entrance longingly, ready to stand up and get her. But Rosalie stopped me, her hand a restraint on my arm. She meant well but she failed to understand why it was so important for me to know that Bella was alright.

It wasn't just about Bella's reluctance to come out and sit at this table. There was also this Demetri who could possibly still be here and because I had no idea who he was, I started to get even more nervous. What if he'd seen her go into the rest room and was now waiting for her to come out?

I was about to break several social codes by jumping up from the table without excusing myself when my father's voice stopped me short.

"Edward, you remember Philip, right?"

Philip Harris was the Dean of Medicine at Seattle Children's hospital; my father's boss.

Getting up now would definitely embarrass my father and while I certainly wouldn't mind doing that to get back at him for the way he embarrassed me every time he was rude to Bella or deliberately misjudged her because he refused to give her a chance, I noticed my mother's pleading look. Or maybe it was the wine I'd seen her consume throughout the night that made her eyes look glassy and demanding at the same time.

Whatever it was, I realized she was playing her part tonight as well. I wasn't just the golden boyl; she was the trophy wife; another prop my father used to show everyone how successful he'd was. To keep up the charade. Sitting here, waiting for Bella, being forced by my father to play my part, I realized how ridiculous that was.

I knew my father loved my mother. I knew he loved Emmett and me. I had no doubts about that.

But around here, around the people he wanted to impress, we were nothing but props in the little play he performed for his colleagues and his superiors. The idyll of a perfect American family in which there was no room for heathens like Bella.

I wondered if it was his environment that had made him so strangely intolerant or if it was his religion. Or both.

I looked back at my father and saw an expectant man; a man who assumed we'd play our parts like we did at every social function. A man who was evidently so insecure he had to pick on a girl who probably had a purer heart than him, despite her human flaws.

"Hello, Philip." I nodded.

I stared at my father who willed me to say more. But I was done playing my part. I was here as Edward.

The man who loved Bella.

And I needed to go get her.

So I rose and left the table without another word.

* * *

**BPOV**

I stood there, my heart pounding furiously. And I knew he could hear it. His ears were after all fucking trained to pick up on that type of thing.

His eyes penetrated mine in the mirror; he was really taking me in and it was freaking me out internally.

But I had to keep it together, pretend he couldn't get to me. If I showed him any distress it would only trigger his next move that much faster.

A part of me however, wanted to beg him to speak just to get it over with because I knew how crucial the words from his mouth would be.

He'd either correct the "mistake" he made by letting me escape six years ago or he'd say something to make me believe that he wasn't here to drag me back to Aro.

His Russian accent had lost its strong edge and he sounded like a half decent American when he finally spoke.

"You look well, little one."

His pet name hurt and comforted me at the same time. It reminded me of a horrible time in my life in which Demetri had often been the only genuine element.

"So do you," I said politely, not very willing to give him more words than I'd be forced to speak to him. Who knew what he would report back to Aro.

We stood there and time seemed frozen even though I was sure there were only seconds passing. If Aro was here or wanted Demetri to come and take me, I wondered if he'd be able to fucking do so without anyone seeing me. And Demetri had to know I'd start fucking screaming if he tried.

"He is not here in Seattle at the moment."

Such simple words. But so much fucking relief.

"Is this his mansion?" I had to know for sure.

A curt nod.

"Did he buy it because of me?"

I didn't want to presume Aro still gave a shit about me, and I hated him enough to hope he didn't, but I did know how much he hated to lose and how much he needed control. If he had found me, it would be typical of him to show it in some way; make sure I knew he was keeping tabs on me.

"You still ask too many questions, little one," Demetri observed lightheartedly.

"And you still refuse to fucking answer."

"Such a mouth on you." Demetri chuckled at my choice of words; he had never heard me curse before because Aro had never allowed it.

I stood there, a little taller than before and I realized I didn't fear Demetri taking me nor did I fear Aro knowing because he wasn't here right now to give direct orders.

I had fucking changed. I was not that meek little girl anymore.

Isabella Marie Volturi was dead and buried and Aro couldn't come back to fucking claim her.

"If you're here to take me back, you're out of luck. Try a fucking thing and I will scream or kick your balls."

More chuckling, head shaking.

"You are like a scary kitten, Isabella."

"Don't fucking call me that," I demanded. "My name is Bella."

"Bella Marie Swan. Living at a dump in the Rainier area. Good looking boyfriend named Edward Cullen. Working at a small bakery downtown. In various types of therapy. I won't even start on how you spent your life for the last six years up until a few months ago. You're so lucky Edward Cullen saved you."

Fuck. This bravery thing wouldn't last if he started listing my life and the most important part in it.

_Edward._

"Leave him alone," I warned shakily. "I mean it. Leave him the fuck alone!"

"Don't worry, little one. I'm not here to take you, your boyfriend or threaten you in any way."

His strong hands came up in apology; a supposedly reassuring gesture. And I wanted to believe him so badly.

"Then why are you here?"

"Aro…" The name made me shudder and he noticed that, "...has donated money to the hospital. I came here to deliver the check."

I rolled my eyes. "Since when are you that guy, the guy to run lame errands for him? Didn't he have… what's his name for that?"

"You mean Rocco."

I nodded.

"Rocco no longer works for Aro."

"He killed him," I guessed more bravely than I felt.

"Like I said, Rocco is out. Plus, dropping off a check of one million dollars is something Aro preferred and insisted to be done by someone he trusts."

One million dollars, plus donating his home for the evening. There had never been a question of displaying his wealth and generosity. He had always loved to portray himself as the Good Samaritan in front of an audience.

"Why is he playing Mr. Charity? Why buy a mansion here in Seattle?" I tried again. "Is it to send me a message?"

Demetri let out a long sigh. "He's not here for you; he doesn't even know you live here."

I gasped because the idea seemed impossible. If Demetri knew where I was there was no question Aro knew as well. There was no way around him. One couldn't exclude the other. Aro knew everything.

"How did_ you_ find out?"

"I've been following you since the day you left Chicago."

Another gasp.

"How?"

"Don't you mean why?" he said cheekily.

That worked too.

"Well," I demanded. "How? Why? Just fucking answer!"

"I was worried about you. You were seventeen and alone and you must know Aro demanded for me to find you."

"And?"

"And I tracked through the GPS on your phone."

"I tossed that thing away before I crossed state lines."

"Yes, but by then I had someone following you."

"One of Aro's men?"

Demetri shook his head. "A friend of mine who I knew to be discreet. He followed you until you arrived in Seattle."

"And Aro doesn't know this?"

"No. He believes you move from state to state. I show him 'proof' occasionally. So far he has never asked for me to bring you back."

I had my doubts about that. Aro was a difficult man to fool. And not wanting me back was also very uncharacteristic.

"You're telling me he doesn't know I'm here and that buying this mansion and donating a butt load of money is a coincidence?"

"No, not entirely. He does have his reasons to be here; business related reasons. They have nothing to do with you."

"And what if he finds out about what you did?"

"I'm very discreet, little one."

"If you betray Aro…"

"You pay with your life," Demetri added. "That's why I make sure he has no way to doubt me. But rest assured he's too preoccupied to even care right now. Business in Seattle is that; strictly business."

It was a lot to process and suddenly I was so fucking tired. I longed for Edward's embrace and his soothing voice.

I wanted to tell him he was the best thing in my life and that I loved him.

I hated how the feeling dawned on me at this exact moment, when I was standing face to face with someone who represented my past. I wished it had happened earlier and wasn't induced by fear.

But still. Of course I loved Edward.

And right fucking now I needed Edward.

"I have to go. People are waiting for me."

Just as I was about to open the door, an impassive Demetri following behind me, it flew open and there stood Edward. My bronze haired angel.

And he looked fucking pissed, green eyes blazing.

* * *

**EPOV**

This had to be Demetri.

He was tough and bulky though not as big as Emmett. I believed I could take him if he forced me.

But it didn't seem like he would. He looked more like a diplomat than a fighter and his eyes weren't as mean as I had expected them to be. In fact, he looked quite friendly, perhaps a bit on the sarcastic side with the way he smirked but he was certainly not the bad guy I had imagined, even though I was still uncertain what role he had once played in Bella's life.

I however, wanted him to know what role she played in mine.

"Excuse me," I started, not at all intimidated by this man's tough frame. "This is the ladies rest room. I see no need for you to be here so I have to ask you to leave my girlfriend alone."

"Your girlfriend," the man, Demetri, asked, smirking.

"Yes," I said icily. "I don't know what you want, _Demetri,_" my voice turned even colder as I spat out his name, "but you better leave _my Bella_ alone."

I kept eye contact with him.

"Your Bella?" Demetri echoed, the smirk wiped off his face.

"Yes."

"I see."

"Edward, let's just go back to our table. People are waiting," Bella begged. "We're done here," she added with a look towards Demetri.

I looked at her and her eyes looked worried. For herself; for me. Maybe both. Was this man in fact dangerous? I had no clue.

"Please," she mouthed and I allowed her to drag me out of the restroom and back to our table.

Before I could ask her what had happened she had already muttered a _"Later."_

The rest of the evening was filled with nothingness. I ate a steak that tasted like rubber, I barely touched my dessert and it was a good thing I didn't drink because otherwise I would have knocked back a couple of alcoholic beverages to numb myself.

Surprisingly, or maybe that should be _alarmingly, _Bella was a lot calmer since we'd returned from the rest room. She engaged in conversation with my mother and Rosalie, joked with Emmett and effectively ignored my father while I felt like my nerves had been laid bare with someone trampling over them for the appropriately measured anxiety effect.

There was one moment where she seemed to tense up and that was when it was announced that an anonymous donor had gifted the Children's hospital with a million dollars. I couldn't decipher why her brow furrowed or why she looked away but I thought that maybe it was because a million dollars was such a ridiculous amount of money.

I tried to understand why Bella was so calm and why it seemed like all of a sudden that I was the wreck and she was cool as a cucumber and actually enjoying herself.

But for me, without knowing who this Demetri was, I had time to drive myself crazy. I kept going back to thinking he was someone who'd used her for sex but when I had faced him in the rest room, he'd mostly seemed protective of Bella. His body language, the way he'd tried to look all intimidating, I doubted an old client would have cared that much.

I felt myself getting frustrated and angry. I understood perfectly well this was not the time and place but Bella was the woman I loved and I'd gotten so used to hearing about her dark past and seeing what it did to her when she was confronted with it, that it bothered me that whatever they spoke of before I'd bounded in with guns blazing – _sort of_, had eased her mood instead of the opposite.

It felt like I was in the twilight zone where only I saw problems and obstacles and everyone around me was simply enjoying this event.

I tried to make eye contact but Bella gave me very little. She sat next to me and held my hand but kept her eyes trained on others at our table and in the room.

"Bella," I whispered. "Can we go soon?"

She turned to look at me. "Edward, we drove here with your parents. And I don't think they are ready to leave yet."

She pointed at the dance floor where my parents were laughing and dancing.

"We could call a cab," I pointed out. "We don't have to wait for them."

"Why are you so eager to go?"

"You know why," I muttered.

Bella's face fell slightly and she nodded.

"You want to know about Demetri," she whispered.

"Bella, I am going mad here, thinking the worst."

One deep breath. "Why don't we take another spin on the dance floor," she suggested.

"You hate dancing," I said.

"With you I like it." She smiled.

"You're deflecting."

Another sigh. "I promised I will tell you and I will, but I refuse to ruin our night. I am trying here."

"Well stop trying and just tell me," I demanded.

"No!" Bella hissed. "Not now! Let's just dance!"

"Before I could barely get you out on the dance floor; don't use it as an excuse to change the subject now!"

"Everything okay over there, kids," Emmett interrupted, grinning. "You both look flustered."

I rolled my eyes while Bella flashed him a smile. "We're good. I'm trying to get Edward to dance with me but he refuses."

Emmett looked at me in mock shock, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"Silly brother. Bella, would you like to dance? I can guarantee you I lead better than my brother."

Another eye roll from me. I envied how blasé Emmett could act while I was sitting here all worried. And Bella was clearly eager to avoid the subject by going off to dance with my brother. Choosing blasé over worry.

"Are you alright?"

I looked over and saw how a tentatively smiling Rosalie slid over a few chairs to sit closer to me.

"Sure," I mumbled.

"Really? Because you could have fooled me. It's not about your brother is it? Because he's just a friendly oaf, he's not trying to bother you on purpose. He's just being Emmett."

As if that explained everything. Still she was right. I wasn't upset with my brother. It was Bella and the way she dismissed my worries that upset me. I couldn't understand how she could flip flop between anxiety and cheerfulness.

I watched as she laughed with my brother, as he hoisted her up and swung her around like a rag doll.

"He's always been better at compartmentalizing. He sees fun and takes it. Like an on and off switch to deal with or ignore worries. It's tough to deal with sometimes but it's completely genuine. "

I nodded, hating how my brother made Bella smile whereas I only made her feel bad, pushing her for something she clearly didn't want to share with me here.

"She loves you, you know."

My eyes left the dance floor where Emmett was showing Bella how to do some sort of robot dance and focused on Rosalie who was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"_What?"_

"Earlier when we were getting ready she asked me about how I knew I loved Emmett. I got the impression she was on a soul searching quest for the answer when really it is simple; she loves you. It shows in the way she looks at you… how she acts around you…

…and here you are sulking while Bella is dancing with your brother and trying to have a good time."

"You really think she loves me?"

"Yes, I do. You just have to give her time to say it back. She will, trust me. Meanwhile we better go over there and save Bella before Emmett starts demonstrating his Moonwalk dance."

Rosalie left the table and I followed her. When she reached Emmett she dragged him away so that I could claim Bella.

"I'm sorry," we said simultaneously as I gathered her in my arms.

"What are you sorry for?" I asked in surprise. "I was acting like an idiot, trying to push you to tell me while you were trying for us to have a nice night."

Bella smiled. "I'm sorry because I know you are worried and because I don't mean to keep things from you. I feel like I ruined our evening with all this drama and I wanted to salvage it by trying to focus on having a good time"

I shook my head as I gently swayed us back and forth. "Nothing is ruined. We're here and we're dancing and we'll leave the rest for when we get home. As long as I know you're alright."

Bella leaned in and kissed me softly.

"As long as I'm with you, I'm perfect," she murmured when she pulled away.

* * *

**BPOV**

We left a little while after Edward and I finished our dance and I was definitely more than fucking ready to go home. I hadn't seen Demetri again since our encounter and I wasn't sure if I was happy or unnerved by that. The idea he was following my every move and knew enough about my whereabouts worried me. I failed to understand how he had managed to keep that from Aro all these years, and if he spoke the truth about it all, why he'd chosen to keep tabs on me without spilling the beans to Aro and risk his own safety that way. Had it been guilt? Was he playing a game with me or had he been truly concerned about me all these years? It was odd to think he had someone watching me.

I pondered this while Edward held my hand as we sat in the backseat of his parents' car. He was silent too and stared out the window. The ride back to his apartment was quiet overall. Doctor Deacon focused on the road and Esme had complained of a headache so she didn't say much either. I guess she hadn't been able to get through the evening without booze.

When we reached Edward's apartment, Doctor Deacon quickly dropped us off with some brief and awkward goodbyes.

"So, who's Demetri?" Edward asked as soon as we walked in the door of his apartment.

"He's one of Aro's men. He used to be my bodyguard."

* * *

**EPOV**

One of Aro's men. The words echoed in my mind as I tried to process them. That was certainly not what I had expected and it didn't help in calming my nerves.

And if one of Aro's men was here did that automatically mean _he_ was here as well?

I tried not to panic, knowing it wouldn't help Bella if I did. All I could do was pretend to be as casual as she seemingly was.

"He wasn't there," she said, as if she could read my mind. "He's not even in Seattle."

She stood straight and shuddered. "I had a bad feeling when I saw this house and the interior design," she mumbled. "It reminded me of him instantly."

"Really, why?"

"It completely resembles Aro's taste. The over the top use of gold. The art. The resemblance to the Sistine Chapel. It's a typical design he used in most of the houses we lived."

"You never mentioned he was religious."

Bella frowned as she stared past me. "He is. Very religious."

"Catholic."

A small nod told me not to press the issue. It was intriguing though. This horrible man and I shared a religion. It made me feel kind of dirty. I didn't want to be associated with anyone that way.

"How do you know he's not in Seattle?"

I expected my question to upset Bella even more but surprisingly enough the crease between her eyes smoothed out.

"Demetri said so."

"And you believe him?" I wondered.

"Yes. If Demetri had lied and Aro had been there, his personal bodyguard would have been roaming around. But I didn't see him anywhere. And since it's his mansion, he could have been there if he wanted to."

"So Aro is the anonymous donor my mother spoke of?" I asked.

Bella nodded.

"I wonder why he chose to help; be charitable. What's in it for him? Buying God's forgiveness perhaps by giving to the needy," I mused.

"Who knows?" Bella muttered. "Donating a million dollars and lending out your big ass mansion doesn't equal forgiveness. It means you have too much money and too big of an ego. It's got nothing to do with being a good person."

"That's true. Did Demetri mention why he bought a mansion here?"

"Demetri mentioned Aro has business here and that he's not here because of me."

So that's why she'd been frowning when that donation was announced.

"How did Demetri find you?"

I felt like playing a game of 20 questions but my curiosity was too strong. And Bella was willing to answer so I kept asking.

"Apparently, he's been tracking me for years," Bella said quietly. "Since the night I ran."

"He… helped you?" I asked in surprise.

"Not really," Bella shook her head. "He just didn't stop me from running. That night was hectic; there as some kind of bust or whatever, I don't know the details. Anyway Demetri was needed elsewhere so when he saw me sneaking out he didn't stop me. Aro did find out of course, but he doesn't know I've spent all this time in Seattle. And for some reason he hasn't ratted me out to Aro all this time."

"But Aro is now involved in something, here in Seattle," I pointed out.

"Demetri says it's a coincidence that he donated money and offered the location of the mansion. That he's doing business here and stuff. Demetri tried to assure me Aro has no clue I'm currently here. "

"Do you believe that?"

Bella kicked off her heels and sat down on the sofa.

"I have no choice but to believe it. I don't think he would lie to me to trick me but there is always the risk that Aro will find out."

I couldn't help but wonder what that meant. If he would come back to claim and even harm Bella. The idea had me seething internally.

"If he finds out at some point, does that mean he comes after you?"

"Maybe…"

* * *

Our bedtime ritual was quiet; we were both lost in our own thoughts.

Bella got herself ready first and waited in bed, staring at the ceiling when I joined her.

As soon as I had slipped under the covers and propped myself up against the headboard, Bella moved into my arms, resting her head on my chest.

"Are you tired?" Bella whispered.

"A little, yes. Are you? It's been a long day."

I could feel Bella nod against my chest.

"Very long." She yawned.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," she mumbled.

"What are you going to do if Aro finds you or if Demetri decides to tell him where you are?"

"I don't know…"

Her hesitance was more deafening than her actual answer.

"You would run again, wouldn't you?"

Bella twisted her head so that she could look at me. "I wouldn't have a choice."

"Bella," I admonished her gently. "Of course you have a choice."

She sat up and turned so she could face me better. Her molten chocolate eyes were burning.

"No, I don't!" She raised her voice. "If he finds me, it's done. I'll be forced to run away."

"We could go to the police," I suggested.

Bella snorted at that and rolled her eyes mockingly. "I know you're naïve sometimes Edward but believe me when I tell you, we could _not _go to the police. And even if we did, it'd be pointless."

"If we tell the police what Aro did to you, surely that would make a difference. I mean, have you ever thought about pressing charges?" I asked.

Another eye roll. "Not going to happen."

"Why not," I demanded angrily. "The man deserves to suffer for what he did to you. I'd rather prefer it to happen in a lawful manner but if justice can't be served in the official and legal way…

"Seriously, if I could get my hands on him…" I trailed off.

"No, No!" Bella suddenly yelled, startling me. Her eyes were wide and fearful. "You can't do that, you must promise me, you'll never do that! You have to leave Aro alone."

Her hands were shaking and her eyes were starting to fill up with tears. I reached out and pulled her into the safety of my embrace.

"Ssh. It's okay," I soothed her. "Don't cry."

"You don't understand," she sobbed against my chest. "He's powerful. Police won't touch him – ever! He knows how to influence them. And if you cross him, he'll kill you...

…And he can't kill you," Bella sobbed. "I wouldn't be able to fuc-funking stand it."

"No one is going to kill me, I promise." I said idly, not certain if I should make such a promise under the circumstances and in that context. "I just don't want you to run from him forever and I hate that he gets away with such horrible things."

"I don't want to lose you," Bella hiccupped. "But I can't risk Aro hurting you. And he would. Knowing how much I love you would be enough incentive for him to try and take you away in whatever way he can."

I heard the words – the three that stood out – but I wasn't certain if I should put emphasis on them or let Bella say them if she wanted to.

I was relieved and sort of happy when she did.

"I love you," she whispered brokenly. "I really do."

Bella sighed, her panic subsiding slowly as she took a few deep breaths.

For a few minutes the silence was all we needed. It was like a comforting blanket that had been wrapped around us and while the timing was a bit strange I was kind of thrilled Bella had told me she loved me. It was a big moment but it was sort of fitting to have her tell me in this moment instead of making a big deal out of it in a special setting. The words were just as powerful and I knew she meant them.

I pressed my lips into her hair. "I love you too, so much. Never forget that," I said, breaking the silence in a whisper.

"Edward, promise me something," Bella asked me quietly, her warm breath tickling my neck as she rested her head in the crook.

"Anything."

"If he finds me, you have to let me run. You have to let me keep you safe by letting me go."

* * *

**A/N Please don't take the last sentence as too much of a downer. She may try to run but that doesn't mean Edward can't and won't follow.**

**Some people have asked/pointed out that Bella's struggle with "I Love You" is a bit odd because she had already told Edward she was IN love with him. But Bella has separated being in love and loving someone; loving someone being the "advanced" step after falling in love.**

**As for Aro and Demetri; so much more to come. And I definitely haven't forgotten about Alice and Jasper - for those who asked :)**

**Don't forget the Countdown to 2012 Farewell to 2011 - a Fabulous! Countdown event. Amazing authors and one-shots. http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7348457/1/ Plus, this goes on straight through to the end of the year. Every day, an awesome one shot or collab-pieces to come. Don't miss it!**

**You can check my Halloween one shot (part of this Countdown): "Death Becomes Her" now in my story listing.**

**As always thanks for all the love in reading, reviewing and patiently awaiting updates. I appreciate it all so much!**

**Happy week!**


	42. Key Elements

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 40: KEY ELEMENTS**

_"Home is where the heart is."_

"Wow!"

"I know, right?"

"It's so shiny."

"Well, Ben insisted I have it. Practically forced me to take it because he says I need it. Which I guess I do," Angela giggled.

"I think it's amazing!"

Leave it to Alice to show appropriate enthusiasm.

We were at the community center, volunteering on a Christmas Eve handout; hot chocolate and cookies for the homeless, the poor, and the ones who needed shelter. Esme wasn't here yet, but she and Rosalie would come over after a special Christmas Eve mass they were currently attending. Edward was with them; the entire Cullen family was. He had asked me to join as well but I had declined. I was willing to change a lot for Edward but I was not going to sit in a church pew and play pretend.

Angela stopped dangling the shiny key in front of us and nodded. "I'm very excited. Things are great. I have a normal job, my medication is working properly and I have the cutest boyfriend who has officially asked me to move in with him," she gushed.

I was truly fucking happy for Angela; no one deserved to be happy more than she did. But with her leaving our crappy apartment building, I was forced to deal with Mike on my own. Ever since he had threatened to fucking evict me, I'd been avoiding him like the plague and so far I had managed to prevent him from kicking me out. There was a solution; moving in with Edward until I'd find my own place. But I still wasn't entirely sold on the idea. A part of me wanted to because I loved spending every free moment with Edward. But another part, the part used to taking care of myself, had a hard time reconciling the idea of having to give that up.

And now, with the situation with Demetri and the reveal that he'd been following me for years, it worried me to tie myself to Edward by moving in with him. That would inexplicitly mean that Edward would become part of a context in which Demetri kept track of me and Aro could find me.

It would be incredibly selfish of me to put him in that kind of unknown but out there danger.

"Speaking of boyfriends? How's Edward?" Alice asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Edward is fine," I answered with a smile. "I think he's happy to have a break from school. He's been working so hard. But I think he aced all his tests and assignments," I added proudly.

"Awe, look at you gushing." Alice smiled as she fixed cookies on a plate. "You two are so cute together."

I had to agree with that. We were cute together.

"How are you and Jasper?" Angela asked.

"We're good. It's a busy time with the holidays. The community center gets more visitors around this time of year and Jasper's club and the restaurants are packed. On top of that, Jasper has even found time for a new business venture."

"Really? What is it?" Angela asked curiously.

She was always more talkative with Alice than I was. I listened in but focused on the task I'd been given; making hot chocolate.

"Well, his Italian restaurant might be going into a catering venture. It's all a bit fuzzy; he's meeting with a potential business partner after the holidays. He'll know more then."

"Sounds exciting," Angela said encouragingly. "With the economy plunging, new business is always good."

"I suppose." Alice frowned.

Intrigued at her reaction I opened my mouth to intervene.

"You don't sound too enthusiastic about it."

"It's not that." Alice sighed. "I mean, I guess I'm glad this possible new venture will give him less time to spend around Cowgirls…"

"You don't like it when he's there?" I asked. I could completely imagine she wouldn't. A guy surrounded by half nekkid women who sold bodily entertainment and wouldn't hesitate to fuck their boss. That could make a woman insecure, although I doubted Alice had anything to worry about.

"I don't. I understand why he keeps the place but I'd prefer it if he stayed away as much as possible."

"You know, Jasper has always been the one to look out for us," Angela said. "He was never interested in those girls in _that _way."

"I know and he still wants to do that," Alice said. "Look after the girls. I get it. I don't like it but I get it."She sighed.

"But?" I pressed. "There's more, isn't there? It's not just about Cowgirls and what goes down there."

"I was hoping we'd get married next year. Even more so, we had talked about trying for a baby too and I was hoping to conceive, but with these new plans, there won't be time for any of that."

"You don't know that," Angela said, while I silently wondered if Alice and Jasper would actually have a child out of wedlock, which would be a sin, considering Alice was Catholic. I didn't ask though, figuring that was between her, Jasper and whatever they believed in.

"I guess I hoped we could slow down a bit next year and put all those personal plans in motion. But if Jasper is expanding his business, that's just not happening."

"I don't know if one will exclude the other indefinitely," Angela tried again.

"Maybe not."

That was all Alice said about it and after that we got too busy to chat again. The first batch of people began to arrive and a little while later so did Esme and Rosalie who both greeted me with in law familiarity, which meant hugs.

They also looked surprisingly tense, which was weird because they'd just come back from mass. And it was Christmas Eve. Weren't they supposed to be happy?

I instantly worried something was wrong with Edward but didn't get a chance to ask about it until I was alone with Rosalie.

"Is everything alright?" I practically demanded when we had a moment alone as we refilled plates with cookies and poured hot chocolate into paper cups.

"What do you mean?" Rosalie asked, surprised. "Everything is fine."

"You and Esme looked tense when you came in."

"You caught that, huh?"

I nodded. "I did. So what is it? Did something happen at mass?"

Rosalie frowned slightly and seemed to ponder how to answer that, which naturally made me assume the worst.

"Rosalie, is there something wrong with Edward?"

Rosalie shook her head. "Not really. He just got into a discussion with his father and Father Masen," she hesitantly said.

My mouth fell open embarrassingly. Edward arguing at mass? Arguing _in_ a church?

"Really?"

Rosalie nodded. "Yup. It wasn't a real fight but he did get his point across on a few things."

"What happened?" I asked, still shocked.

"Bella," Rosalie told me softly. "I would definitely tell you but I think that it should come from Edward."

She was right, of course. But I was curious and really wanted to know, and so for the next two hours, I worried and beat back anxiety, hoping time would move faster which of course it fucking didn't.

When I finally got home, I was hoping to find Edward there. He had texted me that he'd been hanging out with Emmett for a while and would meet me at my apartment.

But when I arrived at my apartment after Rosalie had dropped me off, Edward wasn't there yet.

Instead, I ran into Mike, after having successfully avoided him for days.

Just my fucking luck.

"Bella, just the girl I'd been looking for." He smiled goofily.

I wanted to roll my eyes at his fake politeness but decided to keep it cool. Maybe it was a good thing Edward wasn't here right now. For some reason Mike felt intimidated by him, which made Edward look fuck-hot most of the time but also pissed Mike off and that didn't really work in my favor.

"Mike." I gave him a nod.

I wanted to pass him to get to the stairs but he didn't allow me to get that far.

"Not so fast there. You-" He pointed at me exaggeratedly and now that I was closer to him I could smell the alcohol on his breath. It made me gag. "You," he repeated. "Still owe me money."

Right, he wanted me to pay for the nights Edward had spent with me. It was completely fucking absurd because he didn't do the same with Angela when Ben stayed over, but because he disliked Edward so much, he was just making up rules as he went.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said casually. "Excuse me, I am going up now."

But Mike had other plans. Instead of letting me pass the fucker pushed me against the mailboxes and leaned in provocatively close.

"Tut Tut, Bella. Not so fast. Remember what I said; you don't pay, you get evicted. Now, if you don't have money, I'd be happy to let you pay me by putting your mouth on my cock. Heck, if you let me fuck you all night, I'm sure we can forget about all this and get back to the way things were. You stop pretending to have changed your life around and go back to the streets, away from that high moral boyfriend. What do you say?"

I wasn't exactly afraid of Mike but he was stronger than I remembered and there was a glint of aggression in his eyes that I hadn't seen before. His pupils weren't just dilated from the alcohol he'd had, I realized he was also fucking high and that could potentially make him very aggressive.

"Back off Mike! " I hissed. "And let me the fuck go."

He didn't comply; instead he held me fucking tighter and forced himself flush against my body as he pressed my back into the metal of the mailboxes.

"Not going to happen. Now be a good little girl and come upstairs with me," he growled. "You owe me Swan."

The lock of one of the mail boxes pressed into my back and it hurt. I gritted my teeth and tried to remember how to knee his balls and forced myself not to gag as I felt his erection chafe against my stomach.

Fucking pervert. Why did I still put up with this?

"You're going to fucking rape me?" I said, braver than I felt. "Is that what you resort to now that Jessica has left you?"

"Shut the fuck up, you stupid cunt!" He hissed, startling me. "It's your fault that she is gone. You pushed her down the stairs. I swear, Bella, I can make your life hell, I will make you pa-"

And then he was off me and on the opposite side of the hall way, whimpering like a scared little boy as he lay flat on the ground with his limbs spread wide.

Like a wasted snow angel.

"You better not finish that threat," the figure towering over him said coldly. "Unless you want to die."

He was wearing his typical attire; dark grey suit, probably from a high fashion men's wear label like Gucci or Prada, polished shoes, thick overcoat and blood red woolen scarf that fell down his neck like a dripping stream of blood.

I stood there, frozen, looking at how Demetri was threatening Mike, and seemingly fucking enjoying it too, judging from the sly smirk on his face. I didn't know if I should feel relief or embarrassment. Maybe fear because in less than a week I found myself facing Demetri again.

"Now be gone." He hissed as he grabbed Mike and pushed him up the stairs. "Be gone before I take one of your balls as a trophy."

That snapped me out of my shock because while I knew the threat was by no means idle, it was ridiculously comical to hear Demetri say it.

And then I got pissed.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I hissed.

"Let's go into your apartment," Demetri said, instead of answering me. He tried to take my elbow to guide me but I jerked away from him.

"Fucking forget it. If you have something to say, you say it here."

He rolled his eyes. "Bella, no need to make a scene. Let's go upstairs," he repeated impatiently.

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. I wasn't going to let Demetri into my apartment. He may not be entirely evil but that was my sanctuary. No way was he going to set foot there.

"I am not making a scene – yet! I'll ask you one last time," I huffed. "Why. Are. You. Here?"

I stood there, realizing I'd been more afraid of Mike than Demetri, which was half stupid because Demetri could crush me like a bug if he wanted to and Mike was not even half the man Demetri was. He'd seen and done things that should make me afraid.

He let out a frustrated sigh. "You are impossibly stubborn."He hissed. "And why on earth are you still here? This place is a terrible dump and your so called landlord is a говнюк

I frowned at his use of Russian because he only did that when he was truly pissed.

"A what?"

"An asshole. You need different living arrangements."

I snorted wryly. "Yes well, a new apartment costs money. I can't pay much more rent than what they ask for a dump like this. So sorry, ain't going to happen."

Demetri then smirked, his face relaxed and kind of eerie. "I expected you to say that."

He reached into the inside pocket of his expensive black overcoat and pulled out an envelope.

"This holds everything you need."

He gave me a smile and handed me the envelope, while I stood there feeling somewhere between flabbergasted and annoyed.

"What's in it?" I demanded.

"Like I said, everything you need. Now, I have to go. I have a flight to catch. Merry Christmas, little one," he said, nudging my shoulder before he turned to leave.

I was still staring at the envelope in my hands when a voice pulled me out of my deep concentration.

"Bella, are you alright? What was Demetri doing here?"

I turned and found a bewildered Edward looking at me; his hair in disarray and his face flustered from the cold.

I shuddered as I took him in, his expression filled with worry. His breathing was a little labored which made it probable he'd been running.

"Are you alright? Have you been running?" I asked, ignoring his worry for me momentarily.

"I only rushed inside when I spotted Demetri. But enough about me; how are you?"

"I'm fine," I said softly. "What took you so long?" I added in wonder.

Edward leaned in to press his lips against my temple and then wrapped his arms around me. "Traffic was crazy. You'd think people would stay at home on Christmas Eve but apparently a lot of people do last minute shopping. Emmett had a hard time getting here."

"Oh, okay," I said absentmindedly.

"So, what was Demetri doing here?" Edward pressed. "He didn't hurt you did he?"

"He came to drop this off," I explained, holding the envelope up for emphasis. "And he's leaving Seattle tonight."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"I guess so."

"So what's in it?"

I shook my head, feeling confused. "I didn't look," I said, shuddering again. In twenty minutes time Mike had tried to violate me, Demetri had sort of saved me and now Edward was here asking all kinds of questions my brain seemed unable to process properly.

"Bella?"

I took a deep breath and explained swiftly. "Mike was being a jerk and Demetri came in before he could do something stupid."

Edward frowned. "Define stupid."

I could sense he was getting upset and I really didn't want that so I refused to elaborate. But Edward clearly had a different idea. "Bella, tell me!" He almost growled which would have been hot had it not been for the circumstances.

"He pushed me against the mail boxes and wanted me to pay him for the nights you stayed over. Like he said last week."

"What did he do?" Edward spat, eyes blazing. But then his eyes softened as he touched my arm. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

I shook my head. "No. He was just being as ass. Big talk, little action."

Edward scrutinized me. "Bella, be honest."

"Demetri came in before he could try anything. And I would have kneed him in the bal… groin area anyway," I said casually.

"Kneed him?" Edward shook his head. "You really have no self preservation, do you?"

"Can we just go?" I said. "Nothing happened and I'm fine."

"Okay, let's go upstairs," Edward agreed as he guided me upstairs by placing a hand on the small of my back. I welcomed the warmth and leaned into him as we walked.

"Can I get some stuff and can we go to your place then. I know it's not convenient to call a cab but I don't want to be here tonight," I told him as we arrived in front of my door.

I opened it and walked inside, Edward following close behind me.

"Whatever you want," Edward said as he flipped open his phone and to call us a cab.

I went to my bedroom to grab some clean clothes, pajamas, toiletries and the Christmas presents I'd bought for Edward and his family last week since we were going to spend Christmas at the Cullens tomorrow.

Edward finished the call and waited for me to be ready.

When I was done and stood there, making sure I left no lights and unnecessary electricity on, I realized I had yet to open the envelope Demetri had given me.

Edward noticed that and came up to wrap his arms around me from behind.

"Do you want to open it?"

I shrugged against his chest. "I admit I'm curious."

"Did he say anything when he gave it to you? About its contents?"

"He basically said everything I need is in that envelope."

"That's very cryptic," he commented. "Everything you need…." he mused.

I noticed how his brow furrowed and his eyes became pensive, worried.

"Hey, listen. He is wrong," I said, twisting in his arms so I could face him. "All I need is you."

I rose to my tiptoes to kiss him gently, sighing as our lips melted together.

"I feel the same," Edward beamed when we both pulled away to catch our breath. "So… is it terrible I'm also curious what's in there?"

I chuckled and grabbed the envelope.

"Okay, let's do it."

I tore open the envelope and peeked inside. I noticed a stack of papers and something shiny.

"What is it?"

I pulled out the shiny object and dangled it in front of me.

Déjà vu hit me when I realized Angela had done the same earlier in the evening, when she had told us about moving in with Ben.

"It's a key."

* * *

"It's a lot of money."

Edward wasn't kidding.

Half a million dollars was indeed a whole lot of fucking money.

See, the envelope Demetri had given me hadn't just consisted of a key, but also documents with ownership of a top floor penthouse slash apartment in one of the better neighborhoods of Seattle and a bank account with enough money to hold me over for a long time.

Half a million fucking dollars.

A few months ago this would have been a dream; a lottery ticket falling into my lap. A God's gift, as Edward might say.

But the envelope weighed heavy in my lap, like it was filled with bricks or like there was a bomb inside instead of a new life.

I didn't know how to deal with it, how to feel about what Demetri had given me. It was beyond fucking generous but I knew that accepting said generosity would come at a price higher than half a million dollars.

All the dotted lines needed was my signature and then all of this would be mine. The apartment, the money in the bank account; all in my name.

But if I accepted by signing the papers, I'd be his. I'd be owned by Demetri, even if he would never claim to be my master in any form. Indirectly, I'd even be owned by Aro because surely financing a fucking penthouse and setting up a bank account with that much money didn't come out of Demetri's pocket alone.

I'd be tied to my old life forever and that was the last thing I wanted. And for what? So that Demetri would feel better about the fact he fucking knew what Aro did to me all those years and not once stopped him because he'd rather stick to the code of respecting Aro as his boss instead of protecting me, ironically his actual job.

He couldn't wash off his guilt like this.

But fuck, that kind of money and a nice apartment would make Edward and I more equal in the monetary department. It would make me feel less inadequate for sure.

Plus, if he ever decided to go back to his old life, I'd at least have something left. Not that money or a fancy place to live could ever compare to being with Edward.

"Bella? Are you alright?"

I lifted my head and flashed Edward a smile before I grabbed the envelope and put it back into my overnight bag.

"This is bizarre," I huffed. "Does he really believe he can wash off his guilt like this?"

"You think that's what he's doing?" Edward wondered. "Why would he do that?"

My head was pounding and I wanted to fucking lean back against the sofa cushions and ignore the thought of Demetri trying to make up for the fact he had allowed Aro to abuse me all these years.

It pissed me off so fucking much.

"He feels guilty about the fact he never stopped Aro," I explained hesitantly. "He knew why Aro…" I took a deep breath, "why he would come into my room. And to an extent he probably knew what…" another deep breath, "what Aro did."

Edward frowned and shook his head.

"And he thinks this is the way to pay you off?" he muttered. "Unbelievable."

It was fucking unbelievable. Even if it was solely good will on Demetri's part, it still made no sense. How could he think I would trust him, despite his possible good intentions? As long as he was tied to Aro, I would never be able to fully believe anything he said.

"What do you think I should do?" I asked Edward, who was pacing back and forth now, clearly trying to make sense of this as much as I was.

"Well, that's really up to you," Edward said. "But as long as you don't sign those papers, nothing is set in stone. Officially, right now, without your signature the apartment and the bank account still belong to Demetri. But as soon as you sign, it becomes yours and..."

"And then I'll be tied to Demetri and if he is lying to me and is using this as a front to lead Aro straight to me, I'll be screwed," I added with a grimace as I heard my own choice of words.

"Do you think he'd do that?" Edward wondered. "Do you think he's insincere? Deceitful even?"

I worried about that, about putting too much trust in Demetri. It wasn't a stretch to believe he was setting me up. It was quite bizarre how he showed up out of the blue twice in a week. Was I really supposed to believe that was all a fucking coincidence? That Aro really didn't know I was here?

"I don't know. I just know I don't want Aro to find me," I whispered.

I tried to push back any distress I felt, wanting so badly to feel safe here. Edward must have sensed that because the sofa dipped next to me and before I knew it, I was in his arms.

"If you doubt Demetri's motives, just don't sign the papers; don't become the owner of what he's offering you."

In a way I knew things were that simple on paper – literally. But in practice there was one big hurdle.

Mike was either going to kick me out or make my life hell if I stayed. I was no longer safe there now that he had threatened me and had been beat up by Demetri.

I needed a home and Demetri was offering one.

"I don't know if I have a choice though," I admitted.

"What do you mean?" Edward wondered.

"Mike was a real assh- jerk tonight. I don't know if it's safe to stay at my apartment any longer."

Edward pulled away from me and stared at me intently. "You know there is an alternative," he pointed out. "You could move in here."

Right. I could move in with Edward. It sounded like such a simple solution but in reality a decision like that was huge; temporary or not.

And it could potentially change the dynamic between us. It did for every couple. But we weren't every couple. We both had our issues.

I sighed deeply.

"What?" Edward wondered. "What's that deep sigh for?"

"Remember how we said we'd take things slow? That's not really working out," I murmured. "Aren't you worried we are moving too fast?"

Edward frowned, misunderstanding my comment. "Do _you_ think we're going too fast? Is all of this too fast for you? Because if it is, there are other options. Just as long as you get out of that place."

He wanted to continue rambling but I placed my hand over his mouth gently. "Edward, it's not too fast," I said smiling. "But you have to admit that living together is a big change."

Edward shrugged. "You know how I feel about it. I'd love to have you here all the time."

His reassuring smile was genuine and blinding. I had no doubts he meant what he said but the fact remained that I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. If I stayed and played house with him, it would tie us together that much stronger and even if I ignored the fear that being attached to me made Edward a possible target for Aro, it also meant Edward was a liability to me and maybe even vice versa.

The closer we got, the bigger the chance it would hurt like fucking hell if someday he realized he wanted to become a priest after all.

And I knew losing Edward would be worse than anything I had ever experienced.

I had told him, well, demanded of him basically to let me go if it ever came to Aro finding me because I refused for Edward to become a target for Aro.

Of course, so far I hadn't exactly kept Edward at arm's length either. I wanted to be connected to him and if there ever came a day when I'd have to force myself to leave, it would be just as bad as Edward leaving me.

"Bella?"

"Can I think about it?" I asked him as I molded myself against his chest. "I'm not saying no to your offer, I just need to process it."

I could feel Edward nod against my head. "That sounds fair."

We sat there for a while, embracing the silence until I remembered what Rosalie had told me at the community center; about Edward arguing with his dad and that creepy lurk of a priest.

"What happened at mass?" I asked almost eagerly as I broke the silence.

Edward seemed surprised by that and looked at me, frowning. "How did you know about that?"

"Rosalie told me there was some sort of discussion between you and your dad. And that priest."

"Father Masen," Edward muttered.

I nodded. "Yes, him."

"It was nothing," Edward dismissed me.

I rolled my eyes, knowing Edward wasn't being truthful. I knew something had happened because I had seen how fucking tense Rosalie and Esme had been and Rosalie had confirmed my suspicion earlier.

"Tell me," I simply demanded. "I know it wasn't 'nothing'."

Edward sighed in frustration and got up from the sofa. "I know you probably don't agree with me but I love going to Christmas Eve mass. I always have. It's not just the religious aspect but also the entire atmosphere. The flames of the candles reflecting in the colored glass windows, the smell of pine from Mrs. Cope's self made decorations, the dressed up people, the peaceful feeling; it makes me feel very close to Him." He beamed.

While religion freaked me out, I did love seeing Edward so mesmerized. There was a stunning innocence in his perception of peace and his faith. It _almost_ made me see the appeal of finding solace in believing in a god. Almost.

"I'm glad you went then." I smiled.

Edward sat back down and took my hands in his. "Don't take this the wrong way but I would have loved for you to have been there. Just to feel the happiness. I wish that we could have shared it together."

I tried to keep the smile on my face but it was hard and I could feel it slip. Not because I found Edward's comment to be offensive, I didn't, but because it pained me I couldn't give that to him. I couldn't sit next to him in a church pew; I could never fully understand the depth of his faith. That would always be something we'd never be able to connect on. And because it was such a huge part of Edward's life it meant we would never be able to share that. That could surely affect our relationship in the future.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Edward shook his head. "I don't blame you and I perfectly understand you would feel far too uncomfortable in that setting but I just missed you."

He leaned in and gave me a sweet kiss. "I love you," he whispered.

I smiled against his lips. I'd never get tired of hearing that. "I love you too," I said.

"Now stop distracting me with pretty words and tell me what happened?" I admonished him gently as I moved away.

"Well, I told my mother I missed you there and my father overheard…

…then after mass, Father Masen sort of cornered me and pointed out I should go to confession right there and then because I hadn't gone for a while."

"Can he do that?" I frowned. "Isn't that something you decide for yourself? Otherwise what would be the point of going to confession?"

I pushed away flashes of images of Aro and me in a confession booth and solely focused on the practical side, the rules of confessing.

Edward nodded. "Technically, yes. It would be my decision to go to confession at a time appropriate for me."

"But Father Masen tried to push you to do it?"

"Yes, he tried and of course my father joined in and backed him up. He pointed out in obvious ways that I'd been 'distracted' and it was time to focus on what was important. He also had to make a point of saying that you weren't there, which to him proves you don't care enough about me to respect my religion."

I pushed down a building anger that I felt bubbling up at the words Doctor Deacon had spoken. But it was hard to articulate without using nasty expletives.

"Wow, that-"

"…a-hole?" Edward added.

I had to chuckle at that. "Yes."

"I pretty much told him that right there and then. Not in those words maybe but my intent and the context were clear. I also refused to go to confession at that moment."

His bitterness got me morbidly curious.

"What did you say?"

"Bella…"He sighed.

"Come on, tell me."

"I told him he was out of line last week before and during the charity ball. And that he didn't know a thing about your feelings for me."

"I love you," I stated firmly.

Edward's face broke out in a smile.

"I know," he said, cupping my cheek.

"What did he say or do?"

"He didn't really give a direct response. I could tell he wanted to and so did Father Masen, but then mother eased the tension a bit and suggested I light a candle at the altar and say an extra prayer to compensate."

"That's good, right?" I asked, continuously feeling weird for talking about religion. "I mean, God would be okay with that?"

Edward sighed and fisted his hair. "It's not the same as a confession and my father and Father Masen weren't happy with the suggestion or the way she – quote by my father – meddled, but I just wanted to stay in that tranquility I felt during mass, you know? Have a moment with God."

I didn't know and didn't really understand, but from Edward's point of view and taking his beliefs into account I supposed this was incredibly important. So I nodded.

"Besides," Edward continued. "I'm starting to realize how strange the concept of confession and penance is."

That certainly threw me a little.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I used to confess to things like forgetting to call my mother or running late for class. Things that are human flaws but… shocker… I am human," Edward muttered. "It's so insignificant that I doubt He cares," he said, pointing his finger to the ceiling.

"Still, the servants of God I have confessed to many times have always treated those sins as if they were horribly wrong doings. Maybe that's an overstatement but what I mean is, do I really need to do penance because I get coffee before a class then run late only to find the professor is late himself? That's quite bizarre, right?"

I nodded. To me the entire concept of confession was bizarre. But then, Aro's idea of confession was definitely not the same as Edward's.

"So why would I confess to sinning because I love you. Because I go to church less. Because I have a different vision of the future now. Those are the sins my father and Father Masen are thinking of when they tried to push me into a confession. And I doubt there would be a penance big enough if I confessed to my feelings being sins. I doubt God could ever punish me for that…"

"Because?" I asked curiously, intrigued Edward was viewing his faith differently now.

Edward leaned in to cup my cheeks again, a big smile gracing his lips.

"Because it could never be a sin to love you. To be with you. So I refuse to pay penance for something so beautiful," he vowed before pressing his lips to mine.

* * *

We spent a little more time talking before bed, mostly about trivial things after we'd had a small discussion on spending Christmas Day with the Cullens. I had been looking forward to that, despite Doctor Deacon's presence. But now that Edward had told him off I was sure Doctor Deacon would find a way to blame me and that killed any hope to spend a peaceful day amongst the people I had started to care for.

Edward insisted we go and who was I to fucking refuse him, but I had to wonder if my presence in Edward's life was ruining the once strong Cullen family ties.

I mean, Doctor Deacon was an asshole but the others were all great. And asshole or not, I had no doubt he was a decent husband and father in his own warped way, even if he had extremely high and odd expectations for his family. I didn't want to be the cause of a rift and no way should he be given the opportunity to use me as a scapegoat that was ruining his skewed view of reality.

I'd offered not to go but Edward said I belonged there just as much as his dad and that he'd make sure Doctor Deacon would behave. I had my doubts, but again, who was I to refuse Edward? Family was a big deal to him and I was a part of that now, per his words.

Eventually we stopped talking and ended up making out in bed with even a small amount of groping.

Edward and I had both let our hands wander a bit, though never past a certain "fun zone." He'd graze the side of my boobs and looked like a boy in wonder when my nipples pebbled as he sucked on my neck and while I had tried to convince him I could help him out with his growing erection, he told me he was not really ready for that but he did seem to enjoy it when I scratched his scalp with my nails.

To the – not so - naked eye, it looked very chaste and dull but I liked this exploring. It was nice to learn together and it made us equals. Fucking I was quite the pro at but when it came to having romantic sex, love making or whatever I was just as inexperienced as him.

After a while we just lay there; my head on his chest as he drifted off to sleep first. I tried to lose myself in exhaustion as well but it didn't work. My brain would simply not shut off.

When sleep continued to evade me as I watched an hour pass on Edward's alarm clock, I gently untangled myself from his embrace and moved to my own side to read for a while.

* * *

I watched Edward as he slept, the book with recipes I liked to browse forgotten. In slumber he looked so innocent.

Like an angel. A fucking gorgeous angel.

_Mine._

It tugged at my heart to think he'd ever not be in my life. It was so clear now; I loved him. And the idea of there coming a time where we wouldn't be together burned in my chest and left a preemptive mark on my soul.

I wondered if he felt the same way, or if someday he would realize that he wanted to return to his old life. His father was acting like an ass because of me and that definitely affected his entire family now. I hated being partially, maybe even largely, responsible for that, and thought about how long it would take before Edward would start to feel like he'd have to choose between me and his family. How long it would take before he'd feel like he'd have to choose between me and his faith.

The family dynamic was one thing; maybe Doctor Deacon would someday at least respect my presence even if he'd never accept it, but Edward's faith and my general views on religion were irreconcilable.

Religion was a part of Edward, regardless of him becoming a priest or not, he would always be a proud religious and devout man and I would never be able to share that with him. For me the entire concept of being a Catholic was part of a curse; a horrific trauma I'd always carry with me.

Our life seemed so romantic now but when those pink fucking glasses would come off, what would be left? Or rather, what would boil to the surface.

If we'd ever find ourselves in that position, where Edward would have to choose between me and his parents for whatever reason, or between me and his dreams of devoting his life to church or religion, I would have to let him go.

I realized I could never be selfish about that. I loved him enough to want to see him happy always.

Maybe I even loved him too much in that aspect.

As fucking odd as it sounded, I sort of reveled in that feeling. That I loved him that much. That I was capable of feeling this strongly about someone. It was a relief to know Aro hand't killed that part of me.

Enough to let him go. Though I hoped I never would.

I leaned in, pressing my lips into his hair.

"Merry Christmas, Edward. I love you."

* * *

The next day I woke up with a strange sense of melancholy and I wasn't entirely sure if it was because of the thoughts I'd fallen asleep with; the idea I might someday have to let Edward go or the happier, albeit weird, notion that I was spending my first Christmas with Edward.

Not only that but also my first real Christmas in a long time. In fact, I couldn't remember when I had last spent a real Christmas with people I cared for and with someone I loved.

I lay there for a while, listening to the sounds coming from outside Edward's bedroom. I grinned because from what I could hear he was trying to make me breakfast. I could hear the clanging of pans and plates.

I rolled over and pressed my face into his pillow to engulf myself with his natural manly, comforting scent. As it washed over me and brought me comfort, I got to thinking about what it would be like to wake up like this every morning.

I had to admit to myself that it wouldn't be so bad. It probably would be pretty fucking good.

So good perhaps that I should just indulge myself and do it; move in with Edward. It was temporary after all. I'd move out again when l I'd get my own place.

A loud clang and a stream of what had to be Edward-censored profanities pulled me from my dilemma and forced me out of bed.

I found Edward in a sea of paper towels and what seemed to be burned scrambled eggs scattered all over the floor. On the counter was a tray with two mugs and a plate with some slices of near burnt toast.

He had tried to make me breakfast. Operative word; _tried._

And it was fucking adorable. Suddenly – or at least sudden to my brain - I understood that living together wasn't something to fear; it was something to embrace.

Demetri could offer me fucking envelopes with keys and bank accounts but they would never bring me happiness and sure as fucking hell they would never keep me safe.

But right here, in the apartment that was slowly transforming from "typically Edward" to "typically Edward with a hint of Bella", I could be safe. I would be with Edward.

I would be home.

I scraped my throat and chuckled to give Edward a heads up that I was there.

"For both our safety and the basics of hygiene I think it's best if you leave the cooking to me when I move in here. "

Edward turned slowly - like that slow motion stuff in movies, and when what I'd said fully hit him he jumped up and rushed over to me.

"Really," He said excitedly. "You're moving in?"

"If you'll have me," I chuckled.

Edward rolled his eyes playfully as he lifted me into his arms.

"Always."

* * *

**A/N: This chapter sort of serves as a bridge between the last one and the next - which covers Christmas. It'll be EPOV so more about the thing with Doctor Deacon and Father Masen, plus an interesting talk with Emmett *wink nudge***

**I'll try to get that out ASAP but I'm not sure how ASAP that'll be. I am starting a new job on Monday and it's going to take up a lot of my time which unfortunately means less time for writing and updating. I won't - under no circumstances drop this story but chapters might become a little shorter. I won't leave anything out but it might mean that sometimes a lareg chapter gets cut in two. Hopefully I can still update twice a month. That's what I'm aiming for. But again, I'm not going to disappear and leave people hanging.**

**Thanks for all the support, reviews and reading. I appreciate it so much. :)**

**I saw Breaking Dawn Part 1 today and it is great. For those who are going to see it; enjoy!I think you'll love it :)**


	43. A CullenSwan Family Christmas

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 41: A CULLEN/SWAN FAMILY CHRISTMAS**

When I was a little boy I used to love Christmas and the time leading up to it. Watching the city transform into this magical place with beautiful lights, singing Santas on the street and smiling people all around; it had always made me happy.

I remembered how we'd used to decorate the tree a few days after Thanksgiving. Or how Emmett, Jacob and I had played together with the toys we'd gotten on Christmas morning while my mother would busy herself with preparing Christmas dinner. Some years we'd had the typical cold and rainy Seattle weather that had forced us to stay inside. A few years however, we'd been lucky to have some actual snow which had meant we'd gone outside to make snowmen or take a sleigh ride.

But then Jacob had died, and I had lost my best friend. That had changed my perspective on everything. And so, as I got older, my feelings about Christmas time had changed.

Sure, I still loved Christmas but my perspective had shifted to a context that matched my religion.

There was no playing in the snow or hanging out with my best friend ever again. He'd never celebrate another Christmas.

Instead I now welcomed the odd melancholy I felt around this time of year. It wasn't a bad feeling though. There was something about seeing things in a more subdued, more mature way.

I paid less attention to the bright lights, the window displays, the singing Santas. I was more focused on the emotional and mostly the biblical meaning of Christmas.

I enjoyed Christmas Eve mass most of all; there was something about the peace that those who believed carried with them. I supposed there was a certain tranquility in it that spoke to me. I never felt closer to Him than I did on Christmas Eve when I was sitting in that pew at St. Joseph, listening to the sermon, watching people take it in. The flickering candles that reflected in the colored windows.

It was beautiful.

This year had been different, however. For one, I'd gone to the early Christmas Eve mass, instead of the one at midnight because I didn't want to be away from Bella during the night. Surprisingly, when I had announced this, my mother, Emmett and Rosalie had followed suit and decided to join me. It hadn't been until a few years ago that St. Joseph had decided to have two Christmas Eve masses. It wasn't very practical for older people and families with small children to wait until midnight to celebrate mass.

The early mass was naturally led by Father Masen and my father assisted him. Their words of peace, forgiveness and brightness should've been inspiring but they'd fallen flat with me.

And what hadn't helped with my mood either was Bella's absence. I had missed her immensely as I'd sat there. For some reason I'd craved her presence; the touch of her hand and the closeness of her body to soothe me.

I respected her reasons for not wanting to join me, however. I knew how uncomfortable churches made her; I'd see her reaction firsthand. But I had to admit I was still quite curious what and why it bothered her so much. From the snippets of her past she had shared, I'd gathered that it might have something to do with the fact that Aro was Catholic. I remembered she had mentioned something like that. Of course, without knowing any specifics, I could only guess.

Anyway, instead of joining me, Bella had gone to the community center with Angela where she'd helped handing out some treats to the less fortunate.

In the end, it was probably for the best that she hadn't been there because if she had been by my side she would have been confronted with the demanding way my father and Father Masen had jumped on me about forsaking to go to confession. If Bella had been there she would have witnessed the hostility masked by friendliness.

Perhaps that's what had bothered me the most. Their attitude. Their demands. The disapproval I could see in their eyes even if their tongues sugar coated what they said. My father's offhand remark about Bella's absence had been plain rude. Sort of malicious even. He'd been so eager to point out Bella didn't care enough about me to make the effort to be there.

The nerve he had and the disrespect with which he had treated Bella time and time again was very upsetting. I could tolerate a lot; I could respect these men and what they represented but they were both close to pushing my limits. Extremely close.

I had tried to put them in their place and I had refused to go to confession because I knew their sole motivation was that I admitted to sinning by being with Bella. But I simply couldn't confess to that, since it could never be a sin to me.

It was probably a good thing that there hadn't been much time to dwell on my father and Father Masen's antics. When I'd arrived at Bella's apartment after mass I'd been confronted with a new problem; Demetri. And the mysterious envelope he'd given Bella.

I was relieved that Bella had reacted the way she did; denying the content and the entire offer by not signing the papers. And as a result she was now moving in with me; something I was very happy with. Thrilled even.

But it was also scary because I didn't know what to expect. Bella obviously had her reservations before but now she had agreed for whatever reasons. When I had asked her about her sudden change of heart she had declared that she simply wanted to be with me. I didn't pry after that, trying to be satisfied with the answer she'd given me. But I had to wonder if it had been Demetri's presence and the threat of her past catching up with her that had finally made Bella relent.

Then this morning I had tried to make Bella breakfast. Emphasis on _tried_. I'd woken long before Bella. But I wasn't skilled in the kitchen at all. The scrambled eggs had burned as well as the toast. Then, in an attempt to take them off the stove I'd sent the eggs go flying and landing all over the floor.

None of that had mattered now because when Bella had found me attempting to clean, she had made a comment about it being safer if she'd do the cooking when she moved in and then I'd rushed over to gather her in my arms to celebrate her agreement to move in. After a brief make out session we had cleaned up and Bella had made new eggs. For all intents and purposes it had been a good Christmas morning.

Until now.

We were standing in front of my family home. The home I had spent many Christmases at alone, without someone on my arm or to put my arm around.

It was impossible not to notice how nervous Bella was with the way she was holding on to my hand.

I tried to be encouraging by kissing her hair, and then as soon as we walked through the door, she was greeted enthusiastically by my mother and later also by my brother and Rosalie.

That relaxed her significantly. Perhaps also because my father was nowhere to be found. When I asked about him, my mother told us he was in his study, dealing with an emergency phone call from the hospital.

That in itself wasn't uncommon but the fact it was so conveniently timed with our arrival had me suspicious.

Of course, I knew better than to say something. After all, today wasn't about making trouble.

It was Christmas.

* * *

"Where are the girls?"

"They are helping Mom preparing brunch."

"Cool. I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry, Emmett."

My brother and I were in his childhood bedroom, which had all his wrestling trophies lined up, like there were baseball trophies in my room. We'd watched some Christmas movies as we drank coffee after arriving but then both Emmett and I had gotten a little restless.

"And dad?"

I shrugged, not really wanting to get into that. "I think he is still in his study."

"Is he ever coming out of there?"

I shrugged again.

Emmett huffed deeply. "He's sort of lost it, hasn't he?"

I frowned, not entirely sure what he meant. "Lost it?"

"Come on, Eddie, when was the last time we spent Christmas day in so much freaking tension? I feel like someone is about to have a nervous breakdown."

The answer to his question was simple; never. We had never spent Christmas in any other way than harmonious and pleasant. But this year my father had decided to be petty and hide in his study.

"I suppose that's my fault? Or Bella's?" I muttered.

"No, bro. I am not blaming you. If anyone is to blame, it's Dad. After that little stunt he pulled at mass last night, I am really starting to wonder what his deal is. I don't understand why he doesn't like B."

"Bella," I corrected him. I didn't like his nickname.

Emmett rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. The point is, he really seems to despise B...ella. I wonder why..."

Emmett was not the only one. I had always had a lot of respect for my father but it was hard to reconcile that feeling with his recent behavior. It was clear he didn't approve of Bella and while that certainly hurt my feelings, it also angered me a lot. It made me want to rebel against him, knowing Bella deserved better; I deserved better. I deserved his respect. Bella did too.

"I don't understand it either. I am trying to understand that he's having a hard time adjusting to my new life but he doesn't have to be so rude to Bella. It's simply unacceptable!" I said fiercely.

My brother flashed me a grin as he bounded up and down on his mattress like a little boy jumping on a bed.

"Look at you going all angry puppy on Dad's as…butt."

I rolled my eyes. "I have the right to defend the woman I love."

Emmett's eyes sparkled. "The woman you love? Wow, you guys are really serious."

I nodded and smiled. "Bella is moving in with me."

Emmett's grin disappeared and he became pensive suddenly. But it was only for a moment and then he started smiling again. "Moving in? So soon? You trying to get her preggo before the new year too," he teased. "Are you trying to catch up on years of oppressing yourself?"

"Preggo?" I asked quizzically.

"Pregnant," he clarified. "It's pop culture lingo. Anyway, are you?"

I wanted to scoff because my brother had to know better. Bella and I were not married and there would never be a baby born out of wedlock. Or at all at this point in our lives. If something like that would ever happen - and that was way into the future, something I tried not to think about - we would have to be married.

"It's temporary. Until she finds some place of her own. You've seen the place she lives in. It's not safe there."

"Okay, so no baby. How about sex? Or does there need to be a ring on her finger for that to happen as well?"

His eyes shined with eager enthusiasm and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

When I didn't answer he jumped from the bed and went to his closet. I presumed it was empty but I was proven wrong when Emmett came out with a stack of magazines.

"Here you go, take my secret stash."

"Secret stash of what?"

He handed me one of the magazines and I was instantly confronted with a naked blonde; her breasts and vagina fully on display.

"Emmett? Playboys?" I hissed before I handed them back.

"You look like you might need them." He grinned.

While I didn't believe that, my brother did have a point. In his own warped back-to-teenage-perversity mind, I did need some education on the matter of…

_Sex._

Before Bella, sex had been a taboo in many ways. For one, I had never needed to think about things like that because my mind had been set and I'd had different priorities. Sex had never been one of them. Ever.

But now, with Bella in my life it was something I definitely had to consider.

Like when was the right time? Also, did I want to wait until marriage?

Of course, when I thought of the topic of marriage I thought about a future so far ahead it was too hard to comprehend.

"When did you and Rosalie have sex for the first time?" I blurted out.

I expected Emmett to scoff or tease but he actually started smiling widely.

Okay, so maybe he was teasing a little. He was certainly enjoying my inexperience with this.

"Rosie and I waited until our wedding night. That was her choice, by the way. You know she's a much better Catholic than I'll ever be."

That surprised me, but only a little. I knew Rosalie was more devout than Emmett but we'd never really talked about this before so I hadn't been aware of his feelings until now.

"You wanted to have sex before getting married?"

Now Emmett did scoff me by rolling his eyes. "Duh. I'm a guy. Of course I freaking wanted to. Rosie is a hot girl and while I respected her wishes, I definitely had to relieve some tension on my own a few times."

I looked at him, mouth agape, eyes probably wide as saucers.

"So did you only make out or…"

"There was some groping and exploring or whatever you want to call it," Emmett shrugged. "Just not the full deal. So, will you be the sexual deviant of the family and have sex before you get married?" he added teasingly. "It would freak Dad out. Which would be kinda cool."

"Emmett," I muttered, "I would never use Bella for something like that. I don't know… I do like being close to her – physically I mean, and it's not easy to hide my uh… arousal from her. I guess, since she is more experienced than me, she might want to sooner or later…"

"Sooner or later? Dude, you might not want to use sex to anger Dad but you also don't want to rush things if you're not ready yourself."

"I know but still…"

"You'd have sex with her to keep her or something? Because that's not the right sentiment."

"But if she wants to…?"

"Edward, seriously. Stop! For one, I don't think Bella is that kind of girl. She cares for you and she knows about your past so I doubt she'll force anything. Also, sex is about loving someone and showing them just how much with your mind and your body."

I was surprised to see Emmett react so fiercely to this. I knew how much he loved Rosalie and sex must be important to them but to hear him make sensible points; I hadn't expected that. Not when he had tried to give me his Playboys as research material.

"I suppose you are right," I agreed. "I just… I think I want to. Not right away but at some point. Maybe I don't want to wait until I am married."

Emmett's eyes went wide. "Wow, you must really love her."

And I did. I didn't understand why that surprised him so much, but I did.

I never thought it possible and yet it had happened. I truly loved Bella. To the point of possibly giving up rules I'd lived by before.

"Okay, so you want to have sex," Emmett blurted out suddenly.

"No, that's not… maybe… eventually," I stammered.

"How far have you gone with her?"

That wasn't exactly a question I wanted to answer.

"That's none of your business."

Emmett chuckled. "Not very far then."

Before I could respond there was a knock on the door. That was a relief. The last thing I wanted was a sex talk with my brother.

It was Rosalie, calling us for brunch.

"This talk ain't over!" Emmett grinned before he rushed past us.

Rosalie chuckled. "Emmett and food."

I nodded. "Let's go before he leaves nothing for us."

* * *

Everyone was quiet as my father said grace. Bella held my hand tightly and I could feel her tremble a little as my father uttered the words with precision and determination. I knew, probably everyone knew, he was making a point by dragging this out. Bella was the uneducated girl who needed to be put in her place and the way to do that was through religious education.

It was because of that, because of my father's continuing appalling behavior, that it surprised me when Bella spoke up after my father finished.

"May I say something before we begin?"

Her hand tightened around mine and I flashed her an uncertain but encouraging smile when she looked at me.

"Please, Bella go ahead," my mother encouraged her. My father said nothing.

Bella took a deep breath before she opened her mouth.

"I want to thank you for having me here today. It means so much to me. I am not used to celebrating Christmas so it's a big deal for me. I know that I… I may not be… my past… it's no secret…" she stammered.

"Bella, it's okay," I tried to soothe her. "You don't have to thank anyone. You are welcome here."

My mother and Rosalie nodded while Emmett smiled a wide grin. Again, my father said nothing. I knew that Bella was trying to reach out to him, perhaps hoping to get his attention to show him she was genuine.

But to no avail. Someone who preached about tolerance and forgiveness seemed to be very narrow minded himself. I had to wonder if he had always been that way and I'd just refused to see it.

"I know that, Edward, but I still want everyone,"- she put a lot of emphasis on the word, - "to know that I am here because I care for you all. Your hospitality means so much to me."

I beamed at her declaration, not paying attention to my father's stance or possible reaction to her words.

"Bella," my mother spoke warmly. "Edward is right; you are very welcome. Isn't that right, Carlisle?" she added pointedly.

He nodded stiffly but refused to verbalize his approval or speak any words of welcome himself.

"Djeez, Dad, feeling the love here," Emmett muttered. "Well, I love you B," he declared. "I've always wanted a sister. Plus, I have some great stories about my brother…"

"Emmett," Rosalie warned him gently. "Be nice."

Everyone chuckled. Everyone, except my father. He, of course, said nothing still and just sat there at the head of the table; pensive and tense. Unresponsive.

"Well, let's eat," my mother declared when my father remained silent. "And after brunch we can exchange presents."

"Awesome!" Emmett boomed excitedly.

Brunch was a quiet affair. Bella complimented my mother on her freshly baked bread and deviled eggs and they exchanged some recipe talk, while Emmett kept filling his plate with cold cuts and potato salad.

"Don't get sick," my mother warned like she did every Christmas.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Please, when do I ever?"

"Every year," Rosalie pointed out.

"She's right," my mother pointed out. "And save room for dessert."

I barely paid attention to them and kept my focus on Bella who was smiling at the exchange between my mother and Emmett. I was impressed she had managed to find some sort of comfort despite my father's presence. Although it was almost as if he wasn't there since he was barely making a sound.

"Are you okay," she suddenly asked. "You have barely touched your plate."

"I am just busy watching you," I said, touching her cheek.

"You're cheesy," she scolded me softly. "It's cute."

"Now that's making me nauseous," Emmett broke the silence. "Those two acting all sweet and lovey dovey. No wonder you two are moving in together. You probably can't go an hour without making googly eyes," he teased.

His words hung in the air and time seemed to freeze. If this was a movie it would be filmed in slow motion.

There was a clank of utensils being dropped on a plate. A chair scraping against the floor. And then deafening silence.

"Emmett," Rosalie hissed. "Did you have to blurt that out?"

"What?" he asked, as we watched my father storm out of the room and my mother instantly following after him. "Was that supposed to be a secret?"

Bella looked uncomfortable as she cringed against me, grabbing my hand while her face crumbled.

"Edward, maybe I should go," she suggested timidly. "I don't want to be the cause of any issues between all of you today."

Still dazed from what had happened I turned to face her, shaking my head fiercely to gain clarity. "You won't. This isn't about you; this is his problem," I said coolly.

"He's lost it," Emmett muttered.

"Emmett," Rosalie said again. "Don't say that. He's your father."

"He's acting like a jerk to Bella," my brother argued.

"He's just shocked by this news," Rosalie countered.

"Please," Emmett scoffed. "He's been acting this weird ever since Bella entered the family. I didn't think he'd be so intolerant."

"He just needs time to adjust."

"He's had time." Emmett groaned. "He's never been nice to Bella and he's disrespectful of Edward's choices."

Their discussion was strange to witness because they were talking about Bella and this conflict as if we weren't in the room.

Meanwhile, Bella squeezed my hand and I watched her as she tried to hold back her tears. I wanted nothing more than to comfort her and tell her it wasn't her fault and that this changed nothing.

But I had to admit, this did change things. For one, I had reached my limit with my father's behavior. It also seemed like my family was falling apart at the hands of my father's stubbornness. And at Christmas no less. I really wanted to understand my father's point of view and I wished Emmett hadn't sprung this news on my parents like this without me having the possibility to explain it properly. But Emmett was Emmett and he was a loose cannon sometimes with his foot in mouth disease.

The problem was, with his blabbing Bella moving in with me was now some sort of bombshell that was shattering our family dynamics. That would've been completely unnecessary if I would have had the time to explain it properly. I was certain my father would have hated the idea of it anyway but at least I would've been able to do some pre-emptive damage control.

"I should leave," Bella said again. "This isn't how you should spend your Christmas as a family."

She got up pushing her chair back and tossing her napkin on the table. "I'm going to call a cab."

"No!" I hissed, grabbing her hand roughly. "If you leave, I leave."

"Edward," Rosalie tried. "Let's not do anything rash. Your father is just surprised. Your mother will talk to him and all will calm down. Then we can have a nice Christmas."

Her face was contorted into a wry smile. "Let's just stay put and talk about something else."

Maybe I should've listened to her and accept her idea of trying to take out some tension but I was fed up. Fed up with having to defend my love for Bella. Fed up that she had to accept whatever insult my father threw at her. Fed up with his rudeness.

"No," I said firmly. "This ends _now._"

I let go of Bella's hand but not before I had placed a gentle kiss on it. "Please stay here with Emmett and Rose. I'll be right back."

I waited for her to give me an affirmative nod. "Promise!" I demanded. "Promise me, you won't run."

Bella shook her head. "You can't destroy your family for me, Edward. Not for me."

I flashed her a sad smile. "You are my family too. I just want my father to accept that."

"Please don't argue," Bella pleaded. "It's Christmas and everything. It's not worth it."

"I just want this to end," I told her, brushing my thumb across her cheek. "I love you and I am done with his crap. You're _worth_ it!"

Bella nodded. "I love you too. I'll be here."

And with that promise I went off to find my parents.

Finding them wasn't difficult. Their raised voices led the way straight to my father's office.

"Carlisle, this is absurd," I heard my mother say angrily., "You have to stop treating Bella like an outcast. She's done nothing wrong. She's a lovely girl and Edward loves her."

I admired and appreciated her courage to stand up and defend Bella but I knew what she was doing was useless. My father's mind had been made up a long time ago.

"She had poisoned him, Esme. He believes he loves her and is willing to give up everything for her. She's like a witch."

"Carlisle!" my mother called out, evidently shocked. "Bella loves him; she loves our son. What has gotten into you?"

"Perhaps she loves his money. Look at how fast she managed to convince him to move in together. How convenient for her." He sneered. "Away from his old life, manipulating him into giving up everything he's worked for."

I stood there outside his office, my fists clenched at my side. This was beyond insane and Bella deserved better. We both did. If all my father did was trash her then what was the point of trying to convince him Bella was a good person. He didn't want to listen anyway.

"You can't mean that. If Edward and Bella have chosen to live together, we have to accept that."

Before my father could reciprocate and spit out more mean words, I walked into his office, keeping my cool as I only addressed my mother.

"Mom, I am sorry, but Bella and I are taking off. If she's not welcome here then neither am I."

Her face crumbled and I felt awful for having to set ultimatums. "Edward, please don't leave. You know I adore Bella."

"I know, Mom. But I refuse to let Bella be insulted any longer."

"Don't be absurd," my father said icily. "If Bella wants to leave there is no need for you to do the same. Of course she'd cry wolf."

"Stop!" I yelled. "Just stop! It's my idea to leave. Like it was my idea to move in together. My ideas, because I love Bella. Bella, who's a much better person than you'll ever be. How dare you accuse her of such horrible things when she's done nothing but make me happy. Everyone likes her, except for you because you still live in the delusion that she stole my future.

"But _I_ made that decision. She never forced me to do anything."

"Edward," my father tried.

I held up my hand, stopping him. "Don't bother. It's over. I'm done with you."

I turned to my mother and walked on over to give her a hug. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

I could feel her nod against my shoulder.

"Esme, don't let him manipulate you."

My mother released me and whipped her head to face my father.

"Stop! Just Stop, Carlisle," she hissed. "I've heard enough. You've ruined Christmas. I'm going to pack a bag and stay in a hotel. You do whatever you have to on your own."

"Don't be melodramatic!" my father yelled.

It was bizarre to see them fight, since I couldn't remember ever seeing a fight this bad between them before. They may have had their spats over the years but it had never been as harsh as this one.

My father had crossed a line and my mother was no longer having it.

"I thought God taught us to see the good in people. I guess you don't know how anymore," she muttered before walking out the door.

I wanted to follow after her but my father stopped me.

"Edward, wait."

I turned at the door, shaking my head."I've waited long enough. Bella deserves much more than all this bull shit."

I used that word deliberately and it felt cathartic to do so.

"You have an obligation," my father warned. "Your faith…"

"I have no obligation to you. And rest assured, my faith is intact. I believe more firmly than ever," I interrupted him coolly. "Maybe it's _you_ who needs to do some soul searching."

I walked out only to find Bella standing outside in the hallway.

Her face was somber and her eyes were red.

"You've been crying," I said quietly as I traced the tear marks on her cheek.

"Forget about me. Why is your mother crying? And why did she tell Rosalie and Emmett she was going to pack a bag?"

"Because she doesn't want to be here right now," I said. "We should go too."

"Edward, it's Christmas. There has to be a way to salvage it. This isn't fair to your family."

I frowned. "Tell that to my father. He is responsible for this mess."

"But if it's me he has a problem with, I can go."

I pulled Bella with me farther down the hall so that my father wouldn't hear. "This is no longer about him. He refuses to respect you so I don't see why I should try to respect him anymore. He made his choice. And so did I," I assured her before I pressed my lips to hers.

"I love you," I told Bella. "So I choose you. Always."

Bella flashed me a sad smile. "I love you too. But I still think we need to do something about Christmas. Maybe we can still save it. With or without your dad."

That piqued my interest.

"What do you have in mind?"

* * *

"If we put the pies on the kitchen counter, I can reheat them later. Your mother, Emmett and Rosalie should be here soon with the take-out food. Too bad about your mother's hard labor in the kitchen has gone to waste a little. We never finished brunch."

I smiled at Bella and her resourcefulness, despite the bitterness of the situation we were in; my father who had essentially driven us out of his home. But then it was Bella's idea to save what was left of Christmas by grabbing the gifts and the pies for dessert and bring them to mine – well _our_ – apartment. She also suggested we get some take out for dinner since our brunch earlier had been ruined.

My mother had agreed instantly and after she had packed some things so she could stay with my brother for the night she left my father a note to let him know what her plans were. Bella had said that he should still feel welcome at the apartment if he should decide to stop by. That along with so many other attributes made her a far more generous and forgiving person than he could ever be.

After Emmett and Rosalie had dropped us off, they had taken my mother with them to get some food.

"Maybe you should call your dad," Bella spoke suddenly. "I don't want your mom to feel like we dragged her away."

"She chose to leave," I argued. "Besides, he has ruined enough today."

"I just don't want to feel like we're forcing anyone. It's all a bit dramatic."

"We're not forcing anyone," I assured a worried looking Bella. "Everyone seems relieved to be out of the house. My mom loved your idea. And you've been very gracious to make sure my father is still welcome. He's the one who created this mess. If he wants to redeem himself, he needs to apologize to all of us."

"I doubt he'll do that." Bella sighed as she rested her head against my chest.

"Well, that's his loss then."

My mother, Emmett and Rosalie arrived a little while later with some Chinese takeout. We ate and we talked and we never mentioned my father. The sad part was that in a way it felt like someone was missing but no one wanted to address that elephant in the room. Everyone pretended that everything was fine. And in a way I guess it was. There was no conflict, no drama without my father there. But I guess there was still the hope he'd see the error of his ways and stop by.

He never did.

We exchanged presents. My mother gave the four of us a luxurious 3 day stay at a Four Seasons hotel in Vancouver and we decided on the spot we'd go there on New Year's Eve. We'd tried to convince my mother to join us but she declined.

Bella and I had bought my mother a rare collection of art books that we had found at a small antique book store, which she loved. We'd given Emmett and Rosalie a gift certificate for one of the better restaurants in town while they gave both Bella and me Amazon gift cards.

I didn't want to give Bella my gift just yet because I wanted to do it when we were alone. Apparently Bella had the same idea because she didn't give me anything either.

While we all had a good time, there was a lingering sadness as the night wore on. It wasn't the celebration we had hoped for but it was better than nothing.

When it was nearing 9:00 PM, my mother announced she was tired and asked Rosalie and Emmett if it was alright to leave. They agreed and said a swift goodbye.

My mother took a little longer and hugged both Bella and me fiercely, thanking Bella in particular for trying to have a nice Christmas day.

Bella had smiled but said it was no big deal. My mother wished us both a Merry Christmas again before she left.

Bella let out a deep sigh once I locked the door behind my mother and didn't hesitate to bury herself in my embrace.

"Today was not what I expected," she murmured. "It was a long day."

"I know," I agreed. "I'm sorry for the way my father acted."

"You have to stop apologizing for him," Bella pointed out. "I really hoped that seeing your mother leave like that would trigger something. That it would make a difference if he saw his family leave. That he would be shocked about that and try and make amends. But...

"But nothing," I finished her sentence. "He couldn't even put aside his prejudice for my mother, for us, or heck, even for the sake of Christmas."

"And it's my fault," Bella added, muttering. "Because he dislikes me."

I hugged her close. "I told you over and over. It's not. It's not your fault. You just made all of us open our eyes."

"What does that mean?"

I shrugged. "Maybe my family always put him on some sort of pedestal. I mean, I know I always respected him and what he stood for," I tried to explain.

"But surely that doesn't have to change," Bella said as I led her to the sofa.

"No but I think as a family we maintained a certain image; the good doctor, the respected and faithful deacon. The loving husband and caring father."

Bella frowned. "Are you saying none of that was real?"

I shook my head. It was real. My father was all those things. But he had a hidden side to him. The side that had set certain standards and if we failed to meet those expectations he would either push on until we did or reject us.

"It was real. I know my father can be a good person. I just think he's handling our relationship very badly. Maybe his reaction to that is part of his character he had always managed to hide. Or perhaps we were blind to it."

Bella let out a deep huff. "I feel bad for your mother. For all of you. I know you say it's not my fault but I can't help but wonder if things wouldn't be different if I hadn't been around."

"Again," I said with emphasis, "this is his problem. He needs to accept that you are an important factor in my life. Didn't you once tell me that he sees me as his Golden boy?

"I guess if anything I am the one who failed him by choosing something different. Not a Golden boy but the black sheep."

Bella's features became harsh. "You could never disappoint anyone," she said fiercely.

She leaned in and searched for my lips to capture them with hers, sighing contently when we touched.

"I love you." She breathed when she pulled away.

"I love you too." I smiled. "Now, how about we exchange Christmas presents?"

"What makes you think I have a present for you?" Bella said teasingly before she got up and sprinted into my – our – bedroom.

I grabbed my messenger bag and rummaged around, looking for the black velvet box I had stored in there earlier.

When Bella came back I put the box beside me and waited for her to sit down again.

"You didn't have to get me anything," I said when I saw the package in her hand. "The fact you agreed to move in with me is more than enough."

Bella shrugged. "I bought this before. It's nothing big but I hope you like it."

I unwrapped the large rectangle and was surprised to find it was a book. And not just any book but an ancient book with delicate illustrations on the cover.

It was an antique Bible.

"Open it," Bella urged with a timid smile.

Inside there was another gift; a smaller one. It was sort of a booklet.

I opened it and found that the writings looked like coupons.

They were "I Owe You's".

Bella smiled shyly. "I figured the kid with the trust fund already has everything. I know it's not much," she hesitated. "We can do things together. Like go back to the Space Needle or the Botanic Gardens. Or that boat ride you talked about. I could teach you how to cook," she mused. "We're both pretty busy with school and work and stuff but maybe this is a way to plan some dates. And the bible is…"

"It's perfect," I rushed to say, looking at the book in my hand. I knew that for Bella to buy this was a hurdle bigger than any other gift she could've given me. To buy an antique bible was her way of saying that she accepted my faith even if she didn't agree with the concept.

The embossed self made coupons or so called IOU's were even better because that meant Bella was giving me pieces of herself.

"I love the Bible and the coupons." I smiled widely. "Time to open mine."

I handed her my package and she eyed the box speculatively, tracing the black velvet of the box with her finger.

"Edward…" she started.

"It's not what you think," I said, knowing she'd think the small box would represent something bigger than living together and such.

I remembered Emmett's earlier teasing about pregnancies. It was all far into the future. But the scariest thing was perhaps that the idea of marriage – someday - wasn't all that farfetched for me. But I was sure that for Bella it would be a step too big, too far, too soon.

But perhaps not impossible.

Bella opened the box and gasped. The silver necklace was simple but perfectly Bella. The infinity symbol dangling from the chain shimmered in the dimmed light as Bella held it up to inspect it up close.

"It's perfect," she whispered.

"You like it?"

Bella shook her head, dazzled. "No. I love it. I don't think I've ever owed something so beautiful," she murmured, her voice thick. She was blinking against the tears that formed in her eyes.

"Let me help you put it on," I said, taking the necklace from her and gesturing her to turn around.

Bella lifted her hair so I could fasten the necklace. She turned and the necklace, which had a long chain, fell between the swell of her breasts down her cleavage. I tried not to ogle but couldn't help but to follow the chain over her top.

Bella fingered the silver and sighed. "So pretty."

She lifted her eyes and gave me a smile.

Then, out of the blue she leaned in to grab my t-shirt, forcing her lips onto mine. Her action took me aback for a moment but then I kissed her back with as much fervor as I could muster.

There was something different about these kisses, something frantic. All the tension from our day was poured into it.

Bella moaned into my mouth as I grabbed her waist to pull her closer to me. She wrapped one hand around my neck, firmly keeping our lips locked together while the other hand wound into my hair. She pulled gently and I welcomed the sensation.

So did my penis. It was becoming easier and easier these days to awaken under whatever lust it operated.

I could feel a building erection strain against my crotch and Bella, who was in my lap had to feel it too.

"Edward," she whispered. "Touch me."

I knew she didn't mean something like "Give me a hug or stroke my cheek."

"It's okay," she encouraged me as one of my hands found their way up her waist right below her breasts.

"Touch them," she said again as she let go of my hair and trailed her hand along my shoulders and down my torso until she stopped at my thigh. "Grab them."

Meanwhile my free hand tentatively reached under Bella's shirt and the warmth of her skin made my fingers tingle. I slowly moved closer to the underwire of her bra.

Bella became bold and placed her hand on my crotch and moved gently, delicately while I tried to focus on the fabric of her bra.

"Mmm," Bella moaned as my lips found her neck while she started rubbing the bulge in my jeans.

Maybe it was the fact her noises encouraged me or because it felt natural to let go of my fears, but I embraced the fact that she was deliberately touching my erection and enjoyed the feeling that was building low in my stomach; it was like a group of butterflies rampaging. The sensation was stronger with every touch of Bella.

I wasn't just hugely aroused, I also felt a lot braver and acted on that by placing one hand full on Bella's breast. I explored the softness of her flesh which forced all kinds of interesting sounds from her.

"Don't stop," she begged.

I was about to tell her the same when a strange wave of energy hit me; like a heat wave licking at my skin. I was going into sensory overload.

And then something wet seeped into my pants and my crotch was throbbing while my head felt fuzzy.

My hand had stilled on Bella's breast as my lips released the pulsing point below her ear.

I was dazed and surprisingly exhausted. But when my eyes met Bella's she had a triumphant smile on her face.

"I uh…" I said, feeling a little embarrassed.

"Shh," Bella hushed me by placing a finger to my lips. "This is natural."

"I never… when I… when I touched myself… I mean... I didn't often…"

"Edward, relax."

"This felt very good," I admitted.

Bella smiled. "Good."

"I didn't… make you feel good," I said shyly.

Bella didn't say a word and simply gave me a hug. When she released me she placed a small kiss on my jaw.

"I… I should…use the bathroom," I chuckled awkwardly.

Bella nodded and watched me go.

"Hurry back," she called after me.

* * *

Emmett's words stuck with me as I cleaned myself up. I felt a little dirty but that mostly had to do with the situation in my jeans. The wetness was sticky.

I also felt strangely exuberant for allowing myself to feel instead of over-thinking the whole thing.

My first real orgasm at the hands of Bella.

Maybe it was all very simple. Maybe I just needed to be brave and do it. I loved Bella and she loved me and this was natural progression, right? Exploring together.

I knew Emmett and Rosalie had waited to have sex until they were married and it would seem out of character for me to go ahead with it now.

But I felt a sense of urgency, a need to be as close to Bella as possible. Maybe it was because of the stress my father was putting on me, on _us,_ by being so vocal in his disapproval of Bella. Or the fear that her past which still seemed to have a prominent fixture in her life would catch up and take her away from me.

And that was unthinkable.

Nothing and no one was going to take _my_ Bella away from me.

* * *

**A/N: I know it's been a while. The good news; the next chapter is almost done so I think there will be another update around the weekend.**

**I think I mentioned a few times that Doctor Deacon (Carlisle) isn't entirely evil but he sure seems to be evolving into a bastard. I don't think he can be fully redeemed but he'll eventually show a nicer side. It's in there, albeit hidden deep. And for those who have speculated; he's not involved with Aro. **

**The sex thing. I know some or a lot of you want Bella and Edward to but keep in mind that Edward especially has ZERO experience and having him jump Bella out of nowhere wouldn't make sense. Having said that; there's a thing called progression.**

**I know Edward's Christmas gift (the necklace) isn't very original to those who follow the "gospel" of Robsten (Kristen has a necklace with the infinity symbol - gift from Rob supposedly/probably/fact/no way - whatever you believe) but I think it's appropriate for Bella too.**

**As always: thanks for all the support, reviews, people reading and taking the time to embrace this story. It's still amazing :)**


	44. Start Anew

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2011 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 42: START ANEW**

Fact. I've fucked a lot of men.

A lot of fucking men.

Some were nice, most were losers.

Now fucking someone is easy. In fact, it's boring and repetitive if you're doing it professionally like I used to do. I don't recall ever getting off or anything. It was all business and no pleasure whatsoever.

Now, making love to someone, that was a different fucking story.

In that department I was just as inexperienced as my gorgeous boyfriend.

Yes, gorgeous. Edward was insanely gorgeous, especially when he was shirtless.

Yup, I was being shallow. But anyone would be if they'd get a good glimpse on the Greek-like God lying next to me. It was certainly the only God I fucking worshipped. And since our little touch and rub session during Christmas last week Edward had been shirtless more often, particularly during bed time. And I definitely liked resting my head on that nicely sculpted chest.

It wasn't like we'd gotten naked or anything, but we had been exploring each other. Edward had met my tit… breasts and he'd seemed quite dazzled by what those long fingers of his could do. Plus, he definitely dazzled me with his innocent exploring. And it was nice that it was getting easier for Edward to give in to his own pleasures without the urge to freak out or feel like he was sinning.

I sighed, looking at the man I loved who was still sleeping. He was snoring softly as his head was half buried in his pillow.

I smiled before I turned my attention to the suitcase in the corner.

We were going away later today for our weekend at the Four Seasons hotel in Vancouver with Emmett and Rosalie; it was our Christmas gift from Esme.

_Esme._ My smile faded as I thought of her. She had returned home to Carlisle after spending Christmas day with us and staying with Emmett and Rosalie for two days after. Apparently she and Doctor Deacon had patched things up because after those two days she had packed up and gone back home. According to Edward, who had spoken to her on the phone, she'd sounded fine. There had never been any talk of an apology from Doctor Deacon to his wife.

While I didn't believe the asshole deserved her forgiveness anyway, it wasn't up to me to judge.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

My eyes landed on a sleepy looking Edward and he was watching me with curiosity.

"I was just thinking about our weekend away."

"Are you worried?"

I frowned, looking at him with confusion. "What?"

"About crossing the border?"

Oh, _that. _Since we were going to Vancouver _Canada – _not Vancouver Washington we were travelling across the border. Which required a passport.

Now I did have a passport. Or rather; Isabella Marie Volturi had one. But there would have been no way in hell that I would've used that. It was stashed away somewhere, just waiting to expire. Then I would be fully free from that name.

I had applied for a Passport Card a while back. After Maggie had advised me to get a social security number, she'd also suggested I make sure to have some legal travel documents because there were several food and baking conventions in Canada that she travelled to throughout the year and she believed it would be beneficial for me to network and "sell" my talent if I joined her occasionally.

Anyway, travelling wasn't legally a problem within North America and only on land. It was not valid for international air travel.

I was still on edge about it though. I hadn't crossed the border into another country since I'd ran to Seattle. The paranoid side of me wondered if Aro had contacts with border control but the idea that he believed Demetri was keeping track of me made me feel a little more at ease. If Demetri had a way of knowing I was going to Vancouver – and he probably did, he would spin it to Aro to protect me.

"Bella?" Edward called my name. "Are you worried?"

"Not really. I mean; I have a valid travel document and I don't think anyone but Demetri would know about me crossing the border and he wouldn't tell Aro."

Edward nodded. "I suppose; if Demetri would betray your trust by revealing your location to Aro, he would have done so by now."

"Right. So no. Not worried. Kind of excited actually," I smiled.

Edward grinned lazily as he pulled me into his arms.

"I'm very excited too,he said and I was taken aback by the suggestiveness in his voice. There was definite innuendo there.

Fuck, did he… expect…

Sex? Actual sex?

Or was that _not_ what he was hinting at?

Could it be that Edward was kind of a sexual deviant in the making, now that he'd gotten a little more loose?

"Do you want some breakfast? I can make some before Emmett and Rosalie come to pick us up."

Edward stretched and pressed his lips to my hair.

"I wish I could tell you to leave it to me but we both know eggs and I equal a mess."

I chuckled as I nestled myself closer into his arms, fingering the gorgeous necklace he'd given me at Christmas. "That's true."

"I better get to it." I smiled before I gave Edward a peck on the lips and got up.

As I prepared some omelets with bacon and tomatoes, I thought about going to Vancouver.

I'd never been there and I was very fucking happy to spend the weekend away with Edward.

We hadn't seen much of each other in the past week. Even though Edward had a break from school because of the holidays, he still had to work on his dissertation. I'd been working longer shifts at the bakery because it had been packed with people who'd wanted special treats for New Year's Eve. I'd only seen Edward at night for the most part.

In between working shifts, I had managed to pack up most of my stuff at my old apartment and Emmett and Angela had helped us move it. The things I didn't want or couldn't fit into Edward's apartment I'd donated to the community center. Alice had told me they were having some sort of garage sale soon to raise some money, so I figured it could be of use.

Mike had thrown a shit-fit when I had handed in my key and I had flipped him the bird as a goodbye. I was relieved to be away from that place and it relieved me even more to know Angela had moved out as well. She was now living with Ben.

Edward's apartment – well I guess it was mine now too since I had a key and everything - was more vibrant with some of my stuff in it. It was certainly no longer monotone and Edward seemed totally okay to swap his dull white bed covers for my purple ones or having to toss a butt load of pillows from his sofa onto the floor before he could sit down. His kitchen was now stocked with cookbooks.

"Smells good." A smiling Edward sighed against my ear as his arms came around my waist. "Quite unfair though for you to work so hard. I guess I better cash in that 'teaching me how to cook' coupon soon."

I chuckled as I fixed us some plates. "You know I love cooking. I don't mind."

Edward kissed the spot underneath my ear and hummed. His touch sped up my pulse and I blushed at the hammering.

"It's ready," I whispered, indicating we could eat.

"Hmm," Edward murmured. "I'm already taking a nibble," he said as he gently bit my ear.

The sensation went straight to my girly bits.

"Edward, we don't have time to fool around."

He sighed again and pulled away. "Later then," he vowed and again I could hear a double meaning in his voice.

After breakfast we both got dressed and checked our bags before Emmett and Rosalie came to pick us up. Once we were on our way, Emmett and Edward took turns driving while Rosalie and I talked or napped.

After about 3,5 hours - because Emmett insisted on a scenic route, we made it to the border. Luckily the lineup wasn't too long and before I knew it we were actually in Canada. After that it took another hour to get to the Four Seasons Hotel.

We were welcomed to the hotel at the reception and after a swift check-in we went up to get settled.

The suite was spacious, light and had an ensuite bedroom and bathroom. Emmett and Rosalie had an identical suite across from us. The décor was a combined pale white and rich red. The furniture was made of black cherry wood.

The view was fucking amazing too. You could see a small part of Vancouver harbor and the North Shore Mountains in the distance.

"Your mom really went all out," I said. "I wish she had come with us. I hate to think she's stuck…"

I bit my tongue.

"With my dad," Edward finished my thought as he placed our bags on the floor. "Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe they need this time together."

"I hope things get better when we get back. Maybe we can all start the New Year fresh," I said.

I knew it wouldn't be that fucking simple. Doctor Deacon hated my guts. And while I wasn't proud of my past I believed I was doing pretty well with trying to make his son happy. He had no right or reason to dislike me as much as he did. And his morals were simply fucked up.

"It's all up to my father," Edward said. "If he's going to apologize to you then maybe we can start over. If not then things stay the way they are. It's up to him."

I nodded as I stared out the window. I didn't have high expectations from Doctor Deacon. The only thing I cared about was Esme. She was stuck with him; stuck with his almighty personality. I remembered what she had told me about meeting him and how he too had been pressured by his father's expectations. You'd think that would make him averse against such judgment but he was pulling the exact same stunt with his son.

"Have you ever been in Vancouver before?" I asked, trying to distract myself.

I could feel Edward's arms slip around my waist and his head rests on my shoulder. "Once, as a child. I think I was four or five years old. My grandparents lived here."

"Your dad's parents?"

"Yes. Edward senior and Elizabeth," he muttered. "He was very strict; very devout. She was sweet and caring but very obedient."

"Your mom told me something about that. How your grandfather sort of had the same dreams for your dad as he does for you. And how that changed when your dad met your mom."

I could feel Edward nod. "Yes. I suppose there are parallels between my father and my grandfather."

I turned around to wrap my arms around him. "That's what makes it so weird that he's so determined for you to become a priest. He supposedly defied his dad and yet he's exactly the same as your granddad. You're nothing like them because you chose your own way; your own life."

Edward leaned in to press his lips to mine. "You're so good to me." He whispered when he pulled away.

"Ditto," I smiled. "Now, do you want to see if Emmett and Rosalie want to do some sightseeing?"

Edward nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

* * *

Thirty minutes later we were walking around downtown Vancouver on our own because Emmett and Rosalie had bowed out on joining us in playing tourist. They'd claimed to be tired but their yawning had been far less than subtle.

They clearly seemed to want some alone time. Naked alone time.

"So, where to first?" Edward asked as he held the "What To Do In Vancouver" guide he'd bought in the hotel gift shop before we'd left.

I pointed at a red bus. "We could do that 'Hop On, Hop Off' tour."

Edward nodded. "It says here we'll pass Robson Street and Stanley Park. And lots of other tourist places," he read aloud.

"Sounds good. Let's go," I pulled him along.

After our tour we went to the Vancouver Art Museum and walked around Gastown which was once Vancouver's first downtown core. It wasn't before long when twilight approached and it was getting too cold to stay outside.

Once we arrived back at the hotel, we checked in with Emmett and Rosalie to see if they wanted to grab some dinner but they declined so Edward and I decided to have dinner downtown at a sushi bar.

Honestly, I was happy to spend some time alone with Edward. I liked Rosalie and Emmett a lot but I always felt Edward was a bit on edge around them. Maybe that was because Emmett had a tendency to blurt out anything and everything and that caused Edward unwanted tension.

"This one has salmon in it," Edward teased as he waved a piece of sushi in front of me, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Get that away from me," I pushed his chopsticks away.

"You don't know what you're missing."

"I think I do." I said firmly. "Salmon ruins the sushi."

"You take that back," Edward warned halfheartedly, while I stuck out my tongue.

We finished eating and decided to get dessert at the hotel by simply ordering some room service.

I had to admit it still bugged me that Edward flashed his credit card with such ease but I knew better than to go against it since I didn't exactly have the means to go against it anyway.

Once we were back in our room, we ate some chocolate cake and watched a few movies. We made out a little but neither of us was in the mood to take it any further as we were both fucking tired of walking around all day.

Plus, tomorrow would be long, as it would be the last day of the year.

* * *

The next morning I woke up only to find the spot next to me cold and empty. In an attempt to locate Edward, I strained to hear any sounds coming from the other room and the bathroom. But the shower wasn't running so Edward couldn't be in there and I didn't hear any sound from a TV either.

Struck by curiosity, I got up and grabbed Edward's hoodie from the chair in the corner of the room because I was cold. I padded into the sitting area only to find it empty as well.

That was strange. Edward was nowhere to be found.

After checking the bathroom and even the balcony at the risk of freezing my ass off, it appeared Edward had left the room. His chucks and his black pea coat were gone.

Edward had left.

Without me.

I didn't instantly panic but there was an odd sense of discomfort thinking about why he would've left without alerting me. I tried to tell myself that there was probably a perfectly good explanation for his absence but it didn't completely quench my worry.

Maybe he was taking a walk. Edward often woke up before me. Maybe he went to his brother and Rosalie to wish them a good morning or make plans for the day.

But what if it was none of that. What if he was out there somewhere? Angry. Upset. Hurt.

Okay, so maybe I panicked a little.

Relief flooded through me when I heard the door open and Edward emerged dragging a room service cart behind him.

On the cart was a tray with a butt load of food.

He turned and smiled when he saw me. "Good morning. You're up."

"You were gone," I said quietly.

Edward smiled slightly as he pointed to the cart. "I can't cook you breakfast but I figured I could at least get us some."

"You could've called room service," I teased. "You didn't have to go downstairs."

Edward shrugged. "I was up and decided to walk around for a bit."

"What time did you get up?"

"Early," he murmured absentmindedly. He started filling our plates with his back to me.

"Where did you go, besides raiding the hotel kitchen for food?"

"I just walked around a bit, checked out the hotel gym and the inside Japanese garden," he told me but there was little enthusiasm in his voice.

Something was wrong.

"Are you alright?" I wondered, surprised he was acting a little strangely.

"I'm fine," Edward said. "Now, let's eat before this gets cold."

I wanted to protest but the look in his eyes said enough, so I dropped it.

We spent the last day of the year with Emmett and Rosalie. We went to the Vancouver Aquarium and did some shopping on Robson Street. After lunch we headed back to the hotel to relax a little before our night out. It was New Year's Eve after all; we had to celebrate and ring in the New Year in some way.

We decided to have dinner at a fancy restaurant near the hotel. The interior was decadent and flashy with its velvet sofas and shiny golden pillars. The bar was covered with a marble top and shiny leather chairs. It really looked more like a nightclub. And as it turned out, it did have a separate section where people could have a drink and dance.

"Cool, we can boogie later," Emmett grinned while Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Let's eat first," she suggested as the hostess led us to our table.

"Fine, but you better keep your dance card free though."

Once we were seated at the large glass table with expensive linens, a waitress instantly came over to bring us menus and take our drink order.

We looked at the menu and talked about the dishes we liked until the waitress, shamelessly flirting with Edward and Emmett might I fucking added, came with our drinks.

Rosalie ordered the Chicken Parmesan while Emmett ordered a steak with fries. Edward of course chose salmon and I ordered a vegetarian dish because I wasn't in the mood for meat.

We chatted about everything and nothing while we waited for our food. Emmett spoke highly of Angela and her work ethic, which as her best friend pleased me while Rosalie told funny anecdotes about the class she taught. I spoke about Maggie and the bakery and Edward… just nodded along and didn't say much.

I observed Rosalie and Emmett who seemed to be more smiley and happy overall. Rosalie had told me that their therapy sessions were proving to be valuable although Emmett was still reluctant to bare his soul to a stranger.

I could sympathize with Emmett because I knew exactly how that fucking felt. While I had warmed to Doctor Carmen – albeit marginally - I still hated having to talk about my feelings to her especially when I didn't know what she'd do with that information. Maybe it was silly but I would always remain skeptical about the whole patient doctor confidentiality thing.

Edward meanwhile remained quiet, as he'd been since this morning. He smiled at appropriate times and gave answers when asked questions but overall he was not as invested in interaction as the rest of us.

The feeling something was fucking amiss washed over me again but I pushed it back. Maybe he was tired or melancholic because it was the last day of the year.

During dinner we were all kinds of quiet; we enjoyed the food and engaged in little conversation. I caught Edward staring at his plate, lost in thought, a few times.

His behavior, while possibly harmless had made me lose my appetite fast and because of that I declined dessert as I felt oddly full.

After dinner it was Emmett who had a bright idea to sit in the bar area for a bit. I personally didn't really feel like it but indulged Emmett and Rosalie who were apparently drawn to the disco and wanted to hang for a while.

"B, there is a dude by the bar checking you out." Emmett said when we were seated in a booth close to the dance floor.

I sipped on my water and looked to where Emmett was pointing. All I could see was a guy in what appeared to be a trench coat of sorts, sitting on a bar stool drinking his beer. He looked like an old-school creepy perv, from what I could see. The kind that made you wonder if he was buck-naked underneath the coat.

"He's not looking at me," I countered.

"Not anymore," Emmett shrugged. "But he was before. He looked old though, so it's probably better he stopped looking."

I didn't really care about what Emmett said, I was more focused on Edward who had been looking around the club with curiosity but was now focused on the figure at bar, the one Emmett had claimed was looking at me.

"Edward?" I asked.

"He shouldn't be looking at you," he muttered tersely. It was the first thing he'd said to me directly all evening.

"You don't have to be jealous," I teased with a smile, hoping to loosen him up a bit. "The trench coat look does nothing for me."

Edward's eyes found mine and he shook his head. "He's not flirting," he stated.

I took his hand and smiled. "Don't worry. It's probably just an old perv. If you want to go..." I suggested.

"No." Edward shook his head. "We can stay."

But I knew he was only putting on an act for me. He hated the vibe, the noise and even the music. Or maybe hating was too strong a word but he definitely was entirely out of his comfort zone. Adding to that his strange behavior and I was not only worried but also desperate to leave.

"Do you want to dance?" Emmett asked a content Rosalie who seemed to be taking it all in. She was bopping her head to the music and smiling as she looked around.

"I don't know," she admitted. "This music is unfamiliar. I wouldn't know how to move."

"Baby, you were a gymnast for years. I'm sure you know how to work some moves," he grinned before he pulled her up and dragged her onto the dance floor a few feet away.

"Do you want to dance too?" Edward asked curiously, to which I shook my head.

"I am a surprisingly uncoordinated dancer. That's why I never became a stripper," I added with a wink.

But Edward didn't smile and frowned. "That's not funny," he scoffed bitterly.

"Come on." I huffed. "It's a little funny."

"Not really. And that guy is looking at you again." he sighed. He was looking at the guy intently like they were having some weird type of stare-off.

"Let him look," I told Edward, not even bothering to turn my head to see what he looked like. "Some people are just weird."

"Maybe. But I still feel like he's watching you, instead of checking you out."

"Do you want to go?" I suggested. "I know this isn't really your scene."

"I'm fine," Edward argued quietly. "Besides, Emmett and Rosalie are having a good time," he added by pointing at the dance floor where Rosalie was giggling at an Emmett doing some weird moon walk type dance.

"I could never do that," he muttered as he observed his brother. "I could never be like Emmett; so care free and spontaneous."

"He may be more open, but you are more mysterious," I tried to cheer him up. "I like that," I added with a lot of emphasis.

"Like that'll get me far. I can't even let go of things; be spontaneous and go crazy."

I raised my eyebrow at his confession. "Would you want to?"

"I don't know. I'd like to not care how people might see me. But I always worry."

"Look, Edward," I said, forcing him to look at me as I squeezed his hand. "You have no idea how many people look at you. If I had to count the girls who flirt with you daily. Pff… it pisses me off so much. Believe me, people notice you."

"I hate how out of touch with the world I am," he said. "How this is the first time I'm hanging in a club. And you know what? I do hate being here. I even look down on it. I look down on the people who like spending their pastime here," he admitted angrily.

I wanted to snort a little but at the same time it was kind of hot seeing Edward worked up. But I hadn't instantly forgotten about his odd mood all day now that he was finally sharing his feelings with me.

"I think plenty of people look down at what they don't know," I offered. "Is that's what's been bothering you all day?"

"But that's what my father does," he argued, ignoring my last question. "I don't want to be like that."

"You're not like that," I assured him. "So what if this is not your scene," I gestured around us. "That's not a bad thing. Some people like clubs and stuff way too much. I doubt that's healthy either."

"I don't even know the music they are playing."

Now I did snort. "This is not music, it's noise."

Edward looked agitated and on edge. "I used to be different when I was younger. I played baseball and had male friends. I was more in touch with the world."

I frowned, not knowing what he was getting at.

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind," he muttered.

"No, let's mind," I muttered. "Edward, maybe we should get out of here. I saw this cute little coffee place not too far from here, we could go there. You can treat me to a hot chocolate," I tried with a smile.

"I don't know," he hesitated.

"Come on," I tried as I pulled on his arm. "We'll tell Emmett and Rosalie and then we'll leave."

"Tell us what?" Emmett's booming voice rang over the loud music. I turned and found him holding a beer, while Rosalie was standing next to him, looking flushed but happy. "We're just catching our breath." She smiled.

"I have a headache," I half lied because my head was in fact throbbing a little. "Edward and I are going to head out."

"Okay, we'll come too." Emmett nodded, looking at his brother for a reaction but Edward kept his face impassive.

"No, please stay. I just need some air. We'll see you guys in the morning," I said.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded as I grabbed Edward's hand. "Yes. It's fine. Have a lovely evening, you two. And Happy New Year in advance." I smiled before I gave them both a hug.

Edward followed my lead but didn't say much. He hugged his brother and Rosalie and then followed me out. I worried about what else could be on his mind but decided to ignore it until we were alone.

"Okay, let's go," I said, taking his hand firmly.

* * *

"Are you going to tell me what's going on? This isn't just about feeling out of touch with the world is it?"

Edward stared into his coffee and remained quiet. It was infuriating.

"Edward," I pressed. "You've been acting strange all day. It's freaking me out a little."

He shrugged but remained silent.

"Tell me what it is," I demanded.

I had to know what his fucking problem was.

"I had plans… I thought…"

Plans? What plans?

"What are you talking about?"

"I thought I was ready. But maybe I'll never be. Maybe I'm too weird," he mused.

I tried to make sense of his words but they were vague and I didn't understand them at all. Like little riddles I couldn't decipher.

"Edward, I have no idea what you're talking about," I admitted.

"We've been getting closer," he murmured and it still seemed he was speaking to himself more than he was actually holding a conversation with me. "I thought… this weekend was the perfect moment to…"

"To what?"

"Have sex," he blurted out.

It was like a light bulb going off. An a-ha moment. I'd known this. Edward had, in fact, been thinking about sex. But he'd seemed kind of confident about that before we left, judging from the suggestive comments he'd made. Now he looked pained. Scared even.

"Sex?" I tried to stay casual and not freak him out even more.

He nodded curtly.

"You want to?" I said softy. "I mean, you have considered it?"

Another nod. "But now it seems silly."

His dismissal instantly pissed me off. Something that could potentially be amazing was now silly?

"Silly?" I muttered. "You think sex with me is silly?"

I half knew he probably didn't mean it like that but it angered me just the same. All day I'd been worried about him and now he was basically telling me off.

My comment did seem to work because Edward's head snapped up and for the first time since we'd gotten to this place, I had his actual and genuine attention.

He took my hand, shaking his head fiercely. "No. Not at all. S-sex with you would be great, I just…"

"Just what?"

"I don't know how. I don't know when. Every time I think I'm ready or brave enough to make some sort of move I just fall back into this strange mode of fear. I can't explain it but it's terrifying because I want to be with you like that so bad."

I was taken aback by his words. He wanted to have sex – admitting that was pretty big - but had no idea how, when, where etcetera. I could understand that.

"My behavior is silly," he clarified when I didn't speak. "I should be braver than this. You're the woman I love," he spoke fiercely.

"But there's no shame in not being ready," I said, tracing his knuckles with my finger. "There's no timetable for this. Maybe this is the one thing we actually need to take our time with."

"Maybe," Edward pondered.

I eyed the clock on the wall and then grabbed Edward's hand. "We have an hour until midnight. Do you want to relax in our room and watch the fireworks from our balcony?"

"That sounds like a plan."

* * *

"I'm going to freshen up," I said. Edward nodded and although he flashed me a real smile he still seemed distracted. I wondered how much this sex thing was actually bothering him. It wasn't like I expected him to. There were no obligations there. If he wasn't ready then that was fine.

But for some reason our talk hadn't reassured him in any way. He still seemed so tense.

"Are you okay?" I asked before I entered the bathroom.

He nodded. "I'm fine."

I stood there, scrutinizing him for a moment but he gave nothing away. I wanted to press on but decided against it and turned to go into the bathroom.

I closed the door behind me, leaving my boyfriend to freak out on his own.

As I washed my face and combed my hair, I wondered if maybe it was up to me to take action and just initiate sex. Edward had said that he wanted to but didn't know how. I was obviously more experienced than him so if this was an issue of logistics and practicality then maybe it was up to me to make the first move.

Then again, perhaps I shouldn't. It was already such a huge step for Edward to allow me to touch him and get him off. Real actual flesh to flesh sex might take a little more time. If we pushed it, we might regret rushing into it later.

But then I wondered why Edward had been so desperate in wanting to try it in the first place. For someone who'd never even thought about sex he was quite demanding of himself to do it. I didn't really understand his motivation to be honest and he didn't seem very forthcoming to share, which made it that much harder to read him.

After I was done freshening up, I changed out of my dress and into one of Edward's t-shirts that I'd been sleeping in before. My legs were bare and the t-shirt hardly covered my ass but I liked sleeping with the scent of Edward surrounding me.

I checked my reflection in the mirror one more time and left the bathroom.

As I stepped back into the bedroom, I was met with a surprise.

The room was lit with at least a dozen candles, creating friendly shadows on the pastel tainted walls.

Edward was standing by the large window that had a great view over the city. He had changed into a t-shirt and some sweats.

"What's this?" I asked curiously, as I walked toward him, wondering where he'd gotten the candles.

"It's only thirty minutes until midnight," Edward shrugged. "I figured we… could uhm… be romantic."

He smiled shyly but seemed determined when he stalked toward me.

"Would you like to try the Jacuzzi?" he asked, taking my hand.

His eyes were expectant and shimmering and I wondered what had happened to him in the ten minutes I had spent in the bathroom. He must've gained courage somewhere.

"I don't have a bathing suit," I said sheepishly.

"You don't need one," he stated but it sounded more like a question than a firm statement.

"Naked?"

Edward nodded as he led me to the tub, which was already filled with water and some scented bubble bath wash.

"Maybe it's easier to be… close… in the water," he murmured when I looked at him questioningly.

"Maybe," I said as I tentatively reached for the hem of Edward's shirt but hesitated to take it off. I wasn't sure if Edward really wanted to have sex but if he felt comfortable enough to take the physical aspect of our relationship to a new level then I would let him. This was his show.

"Should I?"

Edward responded by grabbing the shirt and pulling it over my head, leaving me in my underwear.

"You're beautiful," he gushed. "If you want you can keep your underwear on," he hinted.

I shook my head and turned around.

"Unhook me?"

I could hear his gasp as his fingers found my black lace bra and he peeled it off my body.

His fingers left goose bumps on my skin. The good kind. The kind that transformed into a hot burn that left me wanting more.

"You're cold," he murmured as he pulled me toward the tub.

I climbed in, keeping my panties on as a barrier between remaining comfortable and going too far, while Edward took off his shirt and sweatpants.

An erection was dominantly outlined in his boxers but I pretended not to see it so that I wouldn't make him more nervous.

The water was warm and the jet streams were pulsing against my body as I sat down. But even more so I felt Edward's erection poking against my ass when he pulled me flush against his chest.

His lips started making patterns between my shoulders and the side of my head while he gently fondled my bare breasts.

I basically let Edward do it without vocally encouraging him too much because I didn't want to scare him off. He was like a little boy discovering the world and his increasingly rapid breathing proved that I needed to let him keep the lead. This was about his pleasure, even though he was essentially pleasuring me.

It wasn't very easy to stay quiet though, because fuck me if his hands didn't have an odd expertise for someone so innocent. His long fingers kneaded and probed my flesh, awakening my nipples and making them hard.

"You like that?" Edward wondered softly, his lips at my ear.

I could only nod because I could barely find my voice. I liked that a whole fucking lot.

"I'm not sure of what I'm doing," he admitted softly.

"You're doing fine," I squeaked as I bit back a moan.

"I want to try but…"

"No pressure," I said. "Do whatever you like. Take your time. I have no complaints," I panted when really I wanted to shout "don't fucking stop!"

"Turn around," he whispered and I complied without any hesitation. When I turned, my tits brushed against his fuck-hot smooth chest and I came face to face with a beaming Edward.

"Hi," I whispered, trying not to moan as his cock rubbed against the cotton of my panties and right against the throbbing spot between my legs.

"Hi," Edward whispered back.

"I like this, being skin to skin," he said.

"Me too. It's very nice," I agreed.

"Can I… touch you?" he asked and I knew he wasn't talking about fondling me some more. "Down there?"

I nodded and took his hand in encouragement, guiding it underwater to my tingling wetness.

We both gasped a little when he started trailing the inside of my thigh and despite the warm water I felt fresh goose bumps when he started exploring my flesh with determination.

He outlined the wet fabric of my underwear and moved with a slow and aching pace. But I didn't say a word to guide him because I was too afraid to snap him out of his trance.

His fingers searched until they found the inside of my panties and by the time they found my spot, I was squirming in Edward's lap. With feather light and barely noticeable touches he was exploring me, trying to play me like an instrument.

Fuck me, he was good. Of course he was.

I tried not to move too much; grinding his hand like a needy perv was probably not a good idea, and I wasn't sure if I should even make a sound.

But then Edward grew more confident and inserted one finger inside me, causing my brain to go into sensory overload. So, instead of staying very still and letting Edward act on his instincts, I wanted him to feel as good as I did.

I reached for his bulging cock and took it out of his boxers. Fun fact; it was big.

My move clearly surprised Edward, given his audible reaction, but thank fuck that he didn't stop me nor did he stop his own movements on my clit.

He did wiggle a bit, perhaps trying to move away – or move closer - and I grabbed him firmer and started stroking him a little faster.

His low moan was my reward.

"It's okay," I encouraged him. "We can both feel good."

I was pleased to see him nod and even smile a little. I'd seen this look of lust in his eyes before but I doubted Edward would recognize himself if he looked in the mirror right now. His jade, green eyes seemed darker and his breathing was getting ragged. Clearly he was enjoying himself.

I quickened my pace and he did the same, though with his sloppiness it became evident that I had more experience with… _multitasking_, perhaps was the appropriate word. Edward's inexperience certainly didn't mean I wasn't feeling it and all too soon I was repressing coming before he did.

I went faster and Edward started panting more heavily and I half expected him to drop his hand from my sex to enjoy his own pending orgasm, but he didn't. He seemed to mimic my actions by rubbing faster as well.

"I'm close," I whispered in a moan as the feeling in the lower pit of my stomach started building.

"Me too. I think." He groaned before his one free arm started holding me tightly while the other kept pumping in and out of me.

"Fuck Edward!" I hissed as I found myself falling over the edge. "So good…"

"Bella," he murmured but his velvet voice was coated with lust. "It's I… I can't hold it in…"

"Me neither." I panted.

And then we both came. And it was fucking beautiful to see Edward without inhibitions. To hear his grunts without any hesitation.

"Wow," was all he said and I nodded against his chest, feeling completely exhausted all of a sudden.

"Wow works," I agreed lazily.

"I'm all sticky." Edward sighed but I could sense a smile in his voice.

"Me too." I giggled as I lifted my head to look at him. Most of his spunk had shot into the water but some was stuck to my hand.

"You're beautiful," he murmured and I nodded in agreement.

"So are you," I whispered.

We sat there for a while, the water still warm and swirling around us.

"Do you hear that?" Edward asked suddenly.

In the distance there was the faint sound of small bangs.

Fireworks.

"It's fireworks," Edward murmured, as he held me tight.

"It's a new year," I concluded.

Edward nodded, looking at me, holding my stare.

"It is."

I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. His tongue received mine eagerly.

"Happy New Year, Edward," I said when I pulled away.

"Happy New Year, Bella. May this upcoming year be as wonderful as the past few months with you have been."

* * *

Edward was still asleep when I woke the next morning. Wanting to surprise him, I decided to order some room service and bring him an improvised breakfast like he'd done for me yesterday.

I dialed the front desk and ordered some eggs, toast, bacon, fresh strawberries and pancakes. Plus coffee and orange juice.

I freshened up a little as I waited for our breakfast to come.

After ten minutes there was a light tapping on the door and I jumped up to open it before Edward would wake up.

Behind the door was a hotel employee with a service kart filled with food. He wheeled it in and asked if I needed help with anything.

I told him no and he stood there, giving me a strange look before he finally turned to leave.

I was about to close the door when I realized why he'd been looking at me that way; it was customary to give him a tip and I had forgotten.

I opened the door and yelled for the guy to stop so I could give him a few dollars, but the hallway was empty.

Empty except for the brown haired woman who came walking my way. I didn't immediately see her face but when she looked up, I gasped.

Fuck. This couldn't be.

You know that feeling where you're walking on fucking clouds? Where the world seems happy, sunny, carefree and all that shit?

Well that fucking feeling definitely hadn't lasted long for me.

Double fuck.

Instantly going into survival mode, I quickly jumped back into the room before the woman could see me. As I ran inside, I bumped straight into a sleepy looking Edward who caught me before I sent us tumbling.

"Are you okay?" He yawned while my nerves were getting shot.

"I uh…"

I couldn't think, let alone speak. All I felt was this suffocating fear that was creeping into my mind, bleeding into my skin and settling in my bones.

"Bella?"

I shook my head and ran past him, feeling nauseous and desperate to vomit.

Before he could follow I locked myself into the bathroom, leaving a confused Edward outside the door.

"Bella, please open the door."

He wouldn't understand. How the fuck could he? There was too much; my life before him had been so fucked up.

"Bella, come on! Tell me what's going on. Did I… does it have something to do with last night. Were you running from me?"

Edward was worried about last night. Worried I hadn't enjoyed myself. That I had locked myself into the bathroom because of that. He couldn't be more wrong. The fucking irony.

"Bella, please," Edward pleaded again. He sounded so freaking panicked and it broke my heart.

The weekend was not supposed to end this way.

"Just… give me a minute," I choked out. "I'll be out soon."

I rose and stood straight, hoping I could find a way to breathe.

But the room was spinning and I felt like I was choking.

"Breathe, Bella," I urged myself. "Get yourself under control."

"Bella…" Edward called out again.

I finally opened the door and a surprised Edward nearly fell on top of me as he'd been standing too close on the other side.

"What's going on?" he demanded. "Did I… was it me? Did you not enjoy..." he trailed off.

I shook my head fiercely, wanting him to know that it was not his fault.

"No, not you..." I gasped.

"What then?"

I tried to find words but I still couldn't really speak. All I kept seeing were these flashes in my head. Her face, her hair, her demeanor.

It couldn't fucking be.

"I can't…" I tried.

"Is there someone outside the door? Demetri?" he guessed.

But it was so much fucking worse.

I tried to calm myself as Edward wrapped his arms around me.

"Talk to me," he pleaded. "Tell me what's going on."

"She was out there," I murmured.

"Who?"

I took a deep breath and willed away the panic that ebbed and flowed inside of me.

"Bella, you're killing me with the suspense here."

I sighed and lifted my head.

"It's Renee."

"Who?"

"My mother."

* * *

**A/N: As promised - another chapter. I'll try to update again as soon as possible!**

******The Countdown to 2012 - Farewell to 2011 event is still going on. Amazing authors and one-shots. Check it out! **http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7348457/1/

**Thanks for all the reviews, shout-outs. People reading, reccing. I appreciate it so much. It makes me love NeverGonnaBePriestward ad Jezebella more :)**

**Happy Sunday!**


	45. Waking Nightmare

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 43 WAKING NIGHTMARE**

"NO! NO! PLEASE! JUST DON'T! NO! STOP! PLEASE!"

A kick against my leg and an elbow in my face.

Unfortunately, that was not unusual these days.

Blankets tangled around her body, trapping her in the vortex of her nightmare before she'd manage to fight her way out of the cotton entrapment that'd end up at the foot of the bed.

Quiet sobs and deafening piercing screams interchanging.

And as she faced the monster in her subconscious, his name burned on her lips.

She jolted upwards, breathing heavily. Heart pounding away as reality slowly sank in.

Then more tears that mixed with the salty slickness of the beads of sweat that covered her ivory skin.

Damp hands clawing at me, searching for protection.

"Ssh, my Bella," my voice penetrated the darkness and the eerie silence while my hands tried to soothe her with feather light touches.

"You're just having a nightmare."

* * *

"Happy New Year, Edward!"

I smiled and nodded. "Same to you, Kate."

"Thank you! Please, come in."

Kate waved me into her office and pointed at the chair opposite her. "Have a seat."

I did what she suggested and sat down before I pulled the binder that kept my notes and a rough draft of my dissertation from my backpack.

"How was your Christmas break? Did you enjoy the holidays?"

"Yes, the holidays were fine." I smiled politely. I couldn't exactly tell Kate that they'd been kind of bipolar.

Okay, very bipolar. They say that with the good comes the bad, and that had certainly applied here. Except that the bad had turned out to be worse.

First, my father had almost ruined Christmas and then Bella's mother had shown up in Vancouver.

That had been the very bad that had come with the really good.

The really good being how close – both emotionally as well as physically - Bella and I had gotten during the holidays.

Pleasuring her with my hands and fingers had felt awkward at first but when I'd seen the absolute bliss on her face it had melted away the larger part of my insecurities.

I remembered how she had touched my erection and the pleasure that her movements had elicited from me. It was such an amazing feeling. I could only imagine what it would feel like if we had actual sex.

I knew we needed a little more time to get there, and I had been foolish to think I could have forced it to happen in Vancouver, but to share something that special with Bella? I wanted that someday.

I sighed. The weekend had been perfect until Bella had spotted Renée.

Her _mother._

Of all the people that could have been in that hotel, it had to have been her mother in that hallway.

Naturally, it had completely shocked Bella. She had been convinced her mother had seen her and that it was no coincidence she was there.

It had taken hours for Bella to calm down. We'd sat on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor for a long time, until I had carried her to the bed where she had clung to me, begging me not to leave her.

As if I ever could.

Eventually Emmett and Rosalie had shown up at our suite to exchange New Year well wishes and Bella had composed herself long enough to accept and return them.

Later in the day we'd even had dinner with them and Bella and I had kept up appearances for their sake.

As soon as we'd returned home and my brother and Rosalie had left, Bella's mask had slipped. But instead of leaning on me like she'd done right after first spotting her mother, she turned into herself.

"Edward?"

I frowned and focused on Kate who was looking at me with curiosity. "Are you alright?"

"Sorry, I was just thinking." I smiled timidly.

"No problem," Kate said. "Tell me, how's Bella?"

If I had to answer truthfully, I'd have to say she was a wreck since we'd gotten back from Canada.

And that was an understatement if you looked up close and saw how much what had happened truly affected Bella. She tried to maintain a nice façade to the outside world, but I knew better.

She'd reassembled the wall that I'd tried to break down these past few months.

As a result, she had been on a paranoia high ever since we'd gotten home. She tried to go about her normal routine but did so by looking over her shoulder constantly. And no matter how much I tried to support and reassure her, Bella shut me out. She smiled and chatted about everything but refused to answer the loaded "How are you" question.

So clearly she wasn't fine.

"Bella is okay; she's busy with work."

"Right, you told me she works at a bakery."

I nodded. "Yes, she's very talented too," I said proudly.

"That's great. By the way, have you talked about her contribution to your dissertation yet?"

I shook my head. There hadn't been much time with the aftermath of Vancouver. And now her court date was looming too; it was only ten days away. Which reminded me.

"No. And I'm sorry to cut his short but I don't have much time. I have an appointment in an hour."

I was supposed to join Bella in a meeting with James Brandon, her lawyer.

"That's alright," Kate said. "I don't have a lot of time either. So, tell me, how are things coming along with your dissertation in general?"

"I think I have an outline I'm sort of satisfied with, although I still feel like it could be stronger, more outspoken."

Kate nodded and I figured she probably knew what I meant because I had emailed her my updated concept before our meeting so she could review it.

"I read it and I have to say I did sense your confusion. I like how you sent a few fellow students a questionnaire, that's very proactive and will hopefully give you interesting material to review and use. But the essence of faith and how people allow themselves to be guided, well… I feel like perhaps you don't have an answer to that for yourself. I wouldn't say you're lost but it does seem like you have a little trouble with the theme."

She had a point. The more I outlined my dissertation, the more it felt like I was looking in from the outside. On the one hand that was a good thing because it meant I could be objective but there was also a downside; it felt like I was getting out of touch with the concept of divine guidance.

There was no question about the strength of my faith but the intensity with which I had believed before had shifted and because of that my outlook had changed as well. That clearly affected the subject of my dissertation.

"I may be lost in the process of this dissertation," I admitted. "But I don't think I'm lost myself," I added hastily.

Kate smiled. "It's not a negative thing to change your perspective. But I do believe your concept needs a lot of fine tuning."

"Of course, there is plenty of time to do that, so no worries," she was quick to add.

I was a little worried to be honest. In the past I'd been pretty good at focusing but Bella took up a lot of my time lately. That was not a bad thing, I certainly didn't mind, but it didn't help with the general confusion I felt when I was working on my dissertation.

Speaking of time, I noticed how late it was getting and knew I had to wrap this up.

"Why don't we meet again in a few weeks to try and go over your outline together?" Kate suggested as she saw me eyeing the large clock that hung on the wall. "I guess you have to go."

I nodded and told her goodbye before I went off to meet Bella.

I found her waiting for me at a small bistro not too far from the bakery. We had agreed to meet James there.

I gave Bella a quick kiss before we were ushered to our table by the window. Once we were seated I tried to pass the time by distracting Bella but she was barely paying attention to my stories.

Instead she was too busy fidgeting and I could tell she was nervous. Not just because of the meeting with James but in general.

Of course, that was nothing new lately.

Bella was tracing the rim of her glass of water with her fingers; she played with the salt and pepper shaker and built a house from sugar cubes and coasters. When her hands weren't busy, her legs were shaking and she kept turning her head in all directions to keep an eye out for any unexpected movement.

I wanted to capture her hands in mine to calm her but I knew Bella and it was probably best to let her be. She was like an animal that felt caged; approach it and it would retaliate. I also didn't want to offer her clichés to make her feel better. The truth of the matter was quite simple; this year hadn't started out well and there were plenty of hurdles yet to come.

What had happened in Vancouver was really taking its toll on her, on both of us. And the idea of Bella facing a judge soon, with the possibility of being sentenced, didn't help either.

Because of all the stress her nightmares had increased. They kept her up. They also kept me up. Every night was the same now; once slumber would find her, she'd only rest for a bit until night terror took over.

Then we'd follow the routine of tossing and turning. Elbows and kicks. Mumbling, screaming. Sweat and tears that soaked Bella's pillow until she'd shoot up, shaking and frantic.

Then she would find my embrace and it was the only time she truly allowed me in. The only time she needed me.

But in general Bella was more quiet and our physical relationship had not progressed or even been revisited since we'd gotten back from Vancouver. She didn't entirely shy away from affection but there was an invisible barrier between us. I understood why but that didn't make it easier.

What was the most difficult of all were these mood swings Bella had.

One moment she was almost cheerful and happy, like the girl I'd gotten to know and seen grow for the past few months. But then the next moment she'd be cool and distracted. Edgy and paranoid.

"Wishy-washy" Emmett had called it when I had visited him at work one afternoon and confessed to him not all was fine. I hadn't divulged many details but I had asked him if all women were this confusing.

His answer had been a definite yes.

"He's late."

"Hmm, what?"

"Where are you with your thoughts?" Bella complained. "Did you hear anything I just said?"

Like I said, mood swings. Bella had always been a sarcastic, short tempered and even snarky person, but I knew that was a defense mechanism for the most part. I'd like to believe that I had brought out a softer, nicer side.

The real Bella. Not the tough, foulmouthed character she became when she wanted to protect herself.

And I knew she had a lot on her mind and I wanted to respect her feelings and worries but it was hard to deal with her moods, because it had been going on for about a week. I was getting whiplash.

"I am listening," I countered calmly. "What were you saying?" I added with a wink, hoping to loosen her up a bit.

It didn't work. Instead Bella rolled her eyes, before she stormed off to the bathroom, leaving me to clean up the table from her creations.

"Edward?"

I turned and found a smiling James Brandon approaching me.

"Building a pyramid with sugar cubes?" he teased.

I shrugged and rose to shake his hand. Once we were seated again, I made an excuse for Bella's absence, telling him she'd be right back.

We chatted politely about the holidays until Bella returned.

I half expected her to behave in her usual way; filled with disdain for James and his profession, but she was actually shockingly polite.

"How are you, Bella?"

"Good," she flashed him a polite smile. "And you?"

Yes, definitely very polite.

"I'm fine. I've been preparing for your case."

I noticed how she resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I expected no less. So, should I prepare for going to the slammer?" she said dryly.

"Well, I received records on good behavior from your employer Maggie O'Donnell and Doctor Miranda Carmen which should surely please a judge. You have a good work ethic and you're a very talented baker in the making. That should help you a great deal."

"Enough to keep Bella from getting a full conviction?" I asked.

James frowned. "I can't be certain, of course. But Bella has proven that she's able to turn her life around and I think a judge will be satisfied with the progress she's made."

Bella seemed skeptical, I could tell that much from the look in her eyes. But she didn't word her feelings and shrugged instead.

"We'll see."

James looked over Bella's file as we ordered some coffee. He also ordered a salad but Bella didn't want to eat anything. I wasn't hungry either.

"Is there any news yet on who I'm getting as a judge?"

James shook his head. "No, not yet. I'll find out in a few days."

"It's probably going to be a whore-hater."

James ignored that.

"Look, Bella, all I can advise you to do is stay calm and polite when the judge asks you questions. And whatever happens, don't allow yourself to be provoked by Jessica or her lawyer. Remember, they will do anything to make you look bad. If you can show the judge you're well behaved they might be quite willing to let you off entirely. Or, if they want to set an example, give you a fine, perhaps some community service."

Bella remained silent and nodded occasionally as James spoke to show him she was listening. I had a harder time staying quiet.

"What's the worst case scenario?" I asked curiously.

"Well, it would be bad if Jessica and her lawyers use an attempted murder type defense."

"WHAT?" Bella nearly yelled, suddenly very alert. "Is that a fucking joke?"

James shook his head. "Not at all. Look, Bella, it would be easy for them to point out the obvious. You were a prostitute. Good or bad, a judge can and probably will form an opinion on that. The chances you get convicted for attempted murder are very slight but they will probably use it anyway to influence the judge."

"But I didn't try to kill her. Besides, Jessica whored herself out as well."

James flashed her a smug smile. "Exactly. And that will be our defense."

* * *

"Chicken or fish?"

I was absentmindedly pushing a cart through the supermarket following Bella like the dutiful boyfriend I was. I was on autopilot though, still thinking about James' self proclaimed brilliant plan.

He was going to go for the redeemed prostitute angle, which was rather clever. If Bella admitted to her mistakes and told a judge she had changed, they might be lenient with her punishment.

The downside was that James had suggested Bella should apologize to Jessica because he was convinced that could work in her favor. Plus, he was hoping it could throw Jessica and her team off their game. If she apologized to Jessica, their defense could be diffused and become less powerful.

What James had planned made plenty of sense to me, but Bella didn't agree.

She wanted James to use the self defense angle: Bella had only pushed Jessica because she had invaded her space.

Mainly, she rejected the idea of having to apologize to Jessica because she felt there was no need and she refused to pretend to be sorry.

"Edward?"

"Oh, uh… chicken."

"Where are you with your thoughts?" Bella wondered. "You almost pushed the cart into that stock of cans." She pointed at a display filled with canned tomato soup. "You might want to pay a little attention."

"I was just thinking about what James said. His plan to defend you."

Bella didn't respond immediately and instead continued to fill our cart with groceries.

"Bella?"

"I heard you," she said quietly.

"So?" I encouraged her, hoping she'd share with me. "What do you think?"

Bella rolled her eyes as she handed me two loafs of bread so I could place them in the cart. "I think I made my feelings pretty clear during the meeting. No way, no how am I going to apologize to that bit- Jessica."

She spat the name like it was something dirty.

"I think James made some valid points though," I said.

"Of course you do," Bella muttered. "You're too naïve to understand this."

Her words stung a little and they were a perfect example of how she used snark to protect herself from feeling powerless and scared.

What worried me, apart from the outcome of her court case was the idea she would self destruct and ruin all the progress she'd made in the past few months. I simply couldn't let that happen.

"I think I understand just fine," I said calmly. "I also think we should not get into this right now. We'll talk when we get home," I added, resolute.

Bella raised her eyebrow and shrugged. "Whatever."

That was another thing she was doing lately; pretending not to care.

But that's all it was. A pretence. And I had to get through to her before she slipped away from me.

* * *

The smells that irrupted from the kitchen were amazing. Bella was roasting a chicken and it made my mouth water. At least she hadn't lost her passion for cooking. That was a good thing. It might give her a sense of self. Something to hold on to.

I still wanted to talk to her about James' idea, about her feelings in general, basically about anything as long as she talked to me. But I'd been told to stay out of her way because the kitchen was too small for both of us, which effectively negated the idea of any form of communication.

I wanted to respect her need to keep her thoughts to herself or the need to have some space and do something methodic like cooking; a basic step by step process which might help Bella in distracting herself.

But I wouldn't allow her to retreat from me. From us.

"Something smells very good." I smiled, as I poked my head into the kitchen.

Bella was stirring some vegetables in a frying pan, while she kept an eye on the tiny oven where a chicken – seasoned with herbs - was roasting.

"It's going to be another hour, so if you have something to do," she hinted, clearly wanting me out of the kitchen. "There's time."

"Don't push me away," I pleaded, ignoring her head shake as I walked farther into the kitchen.

I took the wooden spoon she was holding and placed it on the counter top and then I wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug before she could either kick me out of the kitchen or walk past me to get away herself.

"Edward," she protested weakly. "I have to watch dinner."

"Dinner can wait," I said firmly, holding her close to me.

"It'll be ruined."

"We can order something."

"But…."

"Stop protesting," I warned. "And don't hide from me." I added in a whisper.

"I'm not," she argued as she hid her face in my chest. "It's just been…"

"Tough," I added. "I know. Believe me I know."

Bella lifted her head to look at me. "But you don't know," she countered softly, the nicest I'd seen her in a while. "I know you want to help but ultimately you can't. You can't understand how I feel because you don't feel it yourself."

"I can't even try to understand you if you shut me out," I said. "You give me nothing. Since we've returned from Vancouver you've been angry and snarky. Kind of like the old Bella that wanted to protect herself from anyone getting too close."

I didn't want to argue, nor did I want to make Bella feel bad, but this was really getting to me. All I wanted to do was help her and be there for her but she was making that very difficult.

"The old Bella?"

"I know that what happened in Vancouver has you on edge. I also know I can't understand how you feel but I don't want you to pretend I don't exist either. You've been trying to pick fights with me all week," I said quietly. "I don't want you to shy away from me. I just want to support you."

Bella's eyes were pooling with tears. "I don't mean to shut you out. It's a bad defense mechanism I resort to when I am scared."

"Tell me why you're scared," I pleaded, as I led her to the sofa after I'd turned off the stove so we wouldn't have any fire-mishaps. "I think I have a pretty good idea but I want you to explain it to me."

"I saw my mother, Edward," Bella whispered. "A woman I haven't seen in years."

"Are you scared of her?"

Bella shook her head. "I'm not scared of the fact I saw her but of what she represents. If she's here, chances are that Aro isn't far away."

"But it's pretty certain she didn't even see you. You said she wasn't directly looking at you, so chances are she was minding her own business and has no clue she was that close to you. Besides, wouldn't Demetri have contacted you to warn you, if Aro was on to you?"

"Not if he's trying to trick me," Bella suggested. "Maybe this is an elaborate, pre-planned thing where Demetri was supposed to lull me into a fake sense of security before handing me to Aro on a silver platter." Bella shivered as she whispered his name; the name of the monster giving her nightmares.

I hadn't thought of that. Maybe Bella was right. Maybe I was naive when it came to all this intrigue. Plus, I didn't know these people the way she did.

"Let's say for argument's sake he's not trying to trick you. I mean, if Aro knows where you are, he would've come and get you by now, right?"

"Perhaps. But remember that man that Emmett pointed out at that bar?"

I had forgotten about that until now. The perverted man in his rain coat that had been watching Bella; it had troubled me. I'd only gotten a brief glimpse of his face, a meaningless mask of indifference.

"I remember now," I admitted. "You think he was connected to your mother?"

Bella didn't answer me as she clawed at my shoulders, her fingers digging into the fabric of my t-shirt as she tried to hold on to me. I tightened my grip and pressed my lips to her forehead before I asked a dreaded question.

"You think that was Aro sitting there?" I asked, suddenly worried that he might have been following us all weekend. That would be a disturbing notion.

I could feel Bella shake her head as she rested it against my chest. "That's not his style," she whispered. "But he has men aplenty to fucking follow anyone around."

I heard the emphasis on the word 'anyone' – Bella meant that Aro wouldn't just be a threat to her but also to others, like Emmett and Rosalie. Or me.

"You know, it could all be a coincidence," I tried. Maybe I was naïve but I wasn't entirely convinced that suddenly all these figures from Bella's past were emerging en masse.

Yes, Demetri had probably been deliberate in approaching Bella and yes, it was very worrisome that Aro owned a mansion in Seattle. Maybe it was even suspect that Demetri claimed he was on Bella's side and had offered her all these material things to prove it. It was definitely odd he claimed Aro supposedly had no idea where Bella was exactly and never questioned Demetri on it and blindly believed whatever he was told.

But what meaning could Bella's mother being in Vancouver have? From what I understood, she had always cared very little about her daughter. What part would she be willing to play in one of Aro's games? But then, maybe she simply had no choice.

The more I thought of it, the more I started to see what Bella saw. I started to understand her fear. Perhaps my problem in trying to understand all this was that I just wanted Bella to be reassured by my words. I supposed I wanted to be reassured myself.

But understanding it and actually feeling that chokehold she felt were two different things.

"A coincidence?" Bella asked as she jumped up. "You think this is a fucking coincidence?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I know that when you put it all together it looks bad."

"It's a fucking disaster." Bella huffed as she paced back and forth. "He knows, he must know. All of this isn't a fucking coincidence."

Her swearing was an indication of how powerless she felt. She'd either retreat inside herself or get angry and start swearing.

"Demetri must have lied. I have no other explanation. First, the charity ball and then his mysterious appearance at my old place to offer me all these things; a house, money and now everything that's happened in Vancouver. They are setting me up. It's just a matter of time until Aro comes for me."

She started breathing more heavily, close to hyperventilating even.

"I... I... don't know what to do." She gasped.

She seemed completely panicked as she fidgeted and cursed under her breath.

I tried to think of something, anything to help Bella, but it was useless. She was slowly slipping into her world filled with a fear I could never comprehend.

"If he finds me…" she trailed off.

"We'll deal," I told her as I rose to stop Bella from losing herself in her thoughts. I took her hand. "We'll figure it out."

But Bella didn't allow me to comfort her. Instead she ripped her hand away and shook her head. "I told you before, Aro is a powerful man. This isn't some guy with morals and good behavior." She scoffed. "He makes up his own rules. He always has and always will. What anyone else says or does isn't of any fucking importance. If he finds me, it's over, done."

It wasn't that I doubted Bella's words; I didn't. If anyone knew this man and what he was capable of, it was her. She had terrible firsthand experience, unfortunately. And I did understand where she was coming from and that she had to be extremely afraid of the possibility that he would find her. But there was one thing that was different from before.

She wasn't alone anymore. There were people to lean on now.

"Bella," I started, pulling her closer to me even if she wanted to protest. "I know I can't comprehend what you feel and I'd never dare claim I have any idea. But you're forgetting one big point."

"What's that?" Bella asked, her voice betraying she was a bit intrigued.

"You're not alone anymore. You have friends, people who care about you. And you have me," I said, as I bent my head so we'd be on eye level. "I love you."

I noticed the skepticism as my eyes bore into Bella's gold and chocolate orbs. She was reluctant to believe me.

"Edward," she started. "I know I'm not alone. And I love you too," she added with a small smile, as her finger traced the stubble on my cheek. "But don't you see, that's the whole point. When it was just me it was easy. I know how to deal with this on my own. But now there are other people involved. People Aro won't hesitate to hurt if they are in his way. If anything happened to you…" she trailed off. "I can't even think…"

I lifted her chin so that she was forced to look at me. "Bella, no one is going to hurt anyone," I said, although I wasn't so sure if I should be promising such things to her. If Aro was truly that powerful and I had to believe he was then it was entirely possible he would have no problem to get rid of anyone in his way.

"I told you, if I have to run, you have to let me go. Promise me."

Silly Bella. I could never promise her that. Perhaps there had been a time when I'd been merely intrigued by her presence and lifestyle without realizing I could love her some day. But I knew better now. Maybe I'd always been destined to love Bella.

And I might have failed to save her from that monster the first time but I would deserve a spot in hell if I allowed him to hurt her again.

"Bella, we're in this together. There will be no running and no promises that I'll let you go. Aro is a monster and he deserves to be punished for what he did to you."

Bella shook her head in protest but I held up my hand to stop her before she could verbalize her disagreement.

"He's not going to hurt you. I will do anything to make you safe again.

"Whatever it takes."

* * *

In the days after our talk, Bella seemed a little calmer and more focused again. The snark was gone and the sweet girl I knew Bella to be was back. But deep inside her a fresh fear had been awakened and no matter what I promised or vowed, that feeling couldn't be erased by a bunch of words.

I wanted her to feel safe and know that no matter what nothing would tear us apart. But the uncertainty remained and as her court date was now only a few days away, things still remained very tense.

Bella put on a brave face though when we were in public or with friends. Only when we were alone she would show her true concerns, but that wasn't often because all week people had been coming and going at the apartment. We had dinner with Angela and Ben, and my mother had stopped by twice. I guess they might have sensed some distress and wanted to show their support in a subtle way.

Also because one of her co-workers had fallen ill and Bella had been busy with work, there had been little room to talk or think about the stressful times ahead.

And while all these distractions seemed to work for Bella, for me they were less effective. I was too focused on making sure she felt okay, even if she was still barely letting me in.

On Saturday, I had brunch with my mother because Bella had to work. She was smiling and chatting a mile a minute. I thanked her once again for her generous gift of the trip to Vancouver, though I left out the way it had ended.

She seemed happy as she talked about some exposition she was organizing for one of her charity causes, and inquired about Bella, even though she'd seen her two days prior. It was evident she was worried about Bella too, though she had no clue about most of what was going on.

Initially she didn't address the proverbial elephant in the room; my father. I would have asked about him to be polite but a part of me didn't care. The ball was still in his corner as far as I was concerned. It was up to him to prove himself but I held little hope he actually would.

I was forced to voice that opinion to my mother when she asked if Bella and I wanted to stop by for Sunday dinner.

"I don't think that's a great idea," I admitted. "Not when he's there."

My mother frowned but nodded. She knew that my father had become quite unpredictable in his behavior lately and I really didn't want to subject Bella to any possible outbursts.

"I know he hasn't been treating Bella fairly but I don't want you to think you need to stay away from us."

"He created this, Mom. Not Bella. Not me."

"Yes, Edward, I know. But I do believe that he got the message loud and clear when we all left at Christmas day. He's been very thoughtful since I returned," she told me.

"That makes me happy for you. Really. It would be terrible if he acted like a jerk to you. But it doesn't change where we stand. He has to apologize to Bella first."

My mother respected that and didn't push further. We ended our lunch with general chit chat after that and my mother promised to call before Bella's day in court on Wednesday.

When I arrived back home, Bella was still at work and so I decided to work on my dissertation for a while.

Unfortunately, I was failing miserably.

Instead, I found myself staring at the screen of my laptop, the bright letters of Google staring back at me.

I hated doing this but I felt I had no choice. I knew of Bella's worries about Aro but I knew little about him. Not that I needed to know more besides the fact he was a monster, but if he really was that much of a potential threat then it was only fair that I had an idea of what we could be up against.

This had happened before; me staring at my laptop, trying to decide if it was worth it to break Bella's trust and search for her past myself. Back then, when I knew nothing, I had been able to stop myself.

But things were different now. And sure, I knew more about Bella's past. In fact, I knew enough to try and piece together the puzzle in my head. But I was morbidly intrigued by the supposed power this man held. He was obviously wealthy, and money did equal power, but did one truly include the other to the extent of this man being untouchable?

After all, everyone had their weakness. I just had to find his.

I typed in A-R-O but then my fingers sort of froze. Was this really the right thing to do?

"What are you doing?" Bella's voice sounded from behind me and it was like déjà vu slamming into me. She'd asked me the same thing the first time I'd been tempted to search for answers online.

I looked at the time in the corner of my screen. 4:00 PM.

I turned and noticed the grocery bags in her hand. Suddenly I felt I was stuck between guilt and relief for sitting there with the plan of deliberately looking for a piece of Bella's past while she had been working so hard, but also feeling sort of relieved that I hadn't.

But I'd wanted to. With the best intentions perhaps, but still. Bella had told me to leave it alone.

"Let me get those," I said, jumping up to grab the bags from her arms.

"Thanks," Bella said smilingly as she handed me the bags. "I figured you'd be completely engrossed in your dissertation, so I went to the grocery store straight from work. How was lunch with your mom?"

"Fine, it was fine," I said. "Nothing spectacular. She's doing some charity work. Oh, and she asked if we want to come over for dinner tomorrow," I added as I helped Bella with putting the groceries away.

"I see, what time does she expects us?"

I shook my head. "I told her we wouldn't be there. Not until my father apologizes to you."

"Edward," Bella started as she put away some things. "This is your family we're talking about. You can't just stay away. I mean, you can always go by yourself…"

"Not a chance," I said as I took Bella's hand and pressed my lips against her palm. "We're a package deal now, remember."

Bella grinned when I spun her around before pulling her into my arms.

"Maybe we need a moniker." She chuckled.

"A what?" I asked, puzzle by the word.

"It's a name people give celebrities who are dating, like Brangelina."

"Again, what?" I asked, starting to suspect this was one of those things that proved how much pop culture I'd missed in the past few years.

"Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie; actors. World famous may I add. They have a bunch of kids together. Please tell me you know this," Bella teased.

I rolled my eyes. "I have heard of them, thank you very much. I just had no idea their names had to be made into a…"

"Moniker. Ours could be Bedward. Or Edella. Since we're a team and all." She winked.

"Those sound absurd." I laughed. "I think we should just stick with 'My Bella'."

"And 'My Edward'," she agreed before she rose to her tiptoes to kiss my cheek, but her lips landed on my jaw.

"Hmpf." She huffed. "You're too tall." She pouted when her lips reached farther up in a quest to find mine.

I smiled and lifted her up onto the counter with ease, before capturing her lips with mine.

Our lips nipped as our hands roamed. I could hear our hearts hammering out an equally rapid rhythm while our breathing seemed to be one long sigh of desire.

It was heaven to be this way. To feel this way. With no drama. No outside world to interrupt us. No evil that was lurking about.

"Edward." Bella sighed contently as she pulled away when oxygen was becoming a bit of an issue for both of us.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," Bella agreed before she jumped off the counter.

"So, we're not going to your parents' tomorrow?"

"I just don't think that's a good idea. I don't want a repeat of what happened at Christmas."

"But aren't we proving to be above this stuff when we go and act polite?" Bella pointed out. "He seems quite determined to show all of you I am the reason your family is falling apart. If we don't show up, he'll believe I am keeping you away and that's probably exactly what he wants.

"And also," Bella continued, "your mother deserves to have family around. She's the one who has to deal with him every day."

She had a point. My mother did deserve our support, even if my father didn't deserve our forgiveness or presence.

"I guess you're right. But are you sure you want to be subjected to that kind of tension right now."

Bella frowned. She knew what I was getting at.

"I would actually welcome the distraction."

I nodded. "So we're going?"

"Yes, I think we should," Bella said.

"Okay, I'll call my mother."

Bella gave me a smile and kissed my cheek.

"Tell her we'll bring dessert. I saw this recipe for a peanut butter brittle cheesecake." She smiled. "It's tricky to make but I think I can manage."

I couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. "That sounds delicious."

"Can I use your laptop for a minute to look for the recipe so I can write down the ingredients? We probably have most but maybe I need to run back to the store."

"Sure. Although we have something called a printer," I teased as she passed me.

Bella grinned as she stuck out her tongue, which made me smile.

But then, as she sat down at my desk, that same déjà vu from earlier hit me again.

I couldn't even explain myself as I became tongue tied when Bella's wide eyes met mine. And then her surprise morphed into anger.

"Edward, why did you type 'Aro' into the Google search box?" she asked coolly. "What the fuck is going on here?"

I could have slapped myself in the face but in a way I was happy she caught me before I could do anything behind her back.

"I was going to Google him," I admitted sheepishly.

"Google him?" Bella wondered skeptically. "Why?"

"I wanted to find out more about him," I answered truthfully.

Bella nodded to herself. "You want to know more about him? After I have told you he is a powerful, highly dangerous monster who could crush you if he had to, you want to know more," she muttered.

I leaned in over her shoulder to click the page away. Before I moved back I pressed a quick kiss below her ear, hoping to ease her anger a bit.

But Bella wouldn't have it and jerked her head away.

"Don't distract me," she warned.

"I'm sorry," I said remorsefully. "I shouldn't have considered it. I just wanted a more detailed picture of him."

"You want more details." Bella huffed. "On what? How he fucked me? How his disgusting moans and pants sounded in my ear? How he forced a doctor to prescribe me antibiotics for an ear infection when really the fucker had given me a STD? Is that enough details for you?"

"Stop!" I hissed as I pulled her away from my desk and into my arms. She protested at first but melted into my embrace when I held her tighter. "Just stop!"

"The truth is ugly," Bella whispered.

"I know it's meaningless but I'm so sorry for what he's done to you. I can't even think about it without feeling this rage. I can only imagine how you must feel. I just wanted to find some kind of weakness," I explained as I buried my nose in her hair.

"There are no weaknesses. This isn't Superman and kryptonite. Aro doesn't have weaknesses."

"Everyone does," I argued.

"Not him. He has enough money to make sure he's untouchable."

"Maybe the police…"

Bella pulled away to look at me, her eyes were fierce when they met mine. "The police wouldn't do a thing. Aro bribes those who are willing and kills off the ones who go against him."

"But there has to be something," I tried again.

Bella tore herself from my arms and moved back into the kitchen. "Just stop!" she yelled. "Whatever plans you had, drop it right the fuck now," she added as she stormed back out of the kitchen with a wooden spoon in her hand.

She shook it a little as she spoke and it would have been a comical sight had the situation not been so tragic.

"If you do anything to cross him, he'll hurt you. And so help me the big fucking guy up there" – she pointed to the ceiling but I knew she meant God - "If something happens to you…"

And then she was back in my arms. "Please stay away from even entertaining the fucking thought of being able to handle him. Don't Google him, don't try and find out things about him; just don't do anything. Let it go. Please!"

She was sobbing now, her body shaking with the fear and emotions that she had pushed down since we'd gotten back from Vancouver. I held her tight and rubbed her back as she clung to me.

"Promise me."

I moved back a little and cupped her tear stained cheeks with my hands. "Bella, look at me."

She complied and it shattered me inside to see her so broken. I wanted nothing more but to fix her.

"I never want to do anything to put you in danger but the thought that his deeds would go unpunished…"

"You have to accept what is," she said as she tried to catch her breath. "Maybe someday karma or whatever will get him. But justice won't be done in a traditional way," she warned. "Normal rules don't apply to him.

"Not unless you want to die."

I moved us to the sofa where we sat for a while, holding on to each other. After a while Bella went limp against my body and her breathing evened out.

Exhaustion had caught up with her after nights filled with terror, thrashing around and waking up covered in sweat.

She looked almost peaceful now as she rested in the safety of my arms.

I thought about the things she wanted me to promise her.

One. Don't try and find Aro.

Two. Let Bella go when she would try and run from Aro.

But I couldn't do either.

I carefully untangled her from my arms and laid her down, covering her with a purple colored afghan Rosalie had gotten her. I placed a soft kiss on her forehead which barely jostled her.

Then I went to my computer and pulled up Google again. This time I didn't hesitate to type the monster's name; my fingers found the right keys easily and with little remorse.

**ARO VOLTURI.**

Enter.

* * *

**A/N: I think this chapter is self explanatory for the most part. Edward going behind Bella's back by googling Aro is innocent enough for now. I don't want their relationship to become dealing with any kind of deceit, so it'll be touched upon in the next chapter. Also, there are bumpy times ahead but Bella and Edward are a team. Remember that :)**

**With the holidays and work being crazy I don't know if I can update once more in 2011 but I'll try my best. **

**As always I want to thank readers, rec'ers and reviewers. It's a cliche but without your encouragement this story would have never bee where it is now. I know we keep going slow, so there's many more to come. Thank you for sticking with me.**

**One of BOTW's readers Saphira pointed out that "Class A Team" by Ed Sheeran would be a perfect BOTW theme. Check it out here: **

**www(dot)youtube(dot)com(slash)watch?v=AkW5HEEUETI Or google atist and title :)**

**I wish you all warm and wonderful Holidays! **


	46. Circus

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2010-2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my BETA Parama. She doesn't just make sure my grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. ****She's my BETA and my friend!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 44: CIRCUS**

_"All eyes on me, in the center of the ring_

_Just like a circus..."_

I stared at his picture. The tan was still there, as was the slicked back, jet black hair. Maybe it had thinned out a little and there were a few grey ones there.

Six years hadn't changed much but the lines on his face did seem a little deeper. And even the fake-tanned, orange skin tone couldn't entirely cover up the purple bruises under his eyes.

He wasn't as tall as I remembered, but maybe that was just because of the digitally cropped image. The suit was snazzy, obviously. Only the finest Italian fabric shit.

Nothing but the best for that asshole. Who fucking cared that he was a mole… a molester. I shivered at the word.

Aro Volturi had always looked and acted the part of a family man (gag), devout Catholic (fucking hypocrite), and was ultimately a clever and powerful businessman.

And that collided with Edward's perception of him.

See, Edward thought he was smart. He believed that typing a name into a search engine and pressing ENTER would make a difference.

But I knew fucking better. No one went against Aro. Even Demetri, who had been acquainted with Aro for a long time, knew he had to be clever to outsmart his boss. By pretending he was keeping tabs on me for Aro's benefit when in reality Demetri was protecting me. Well, assuming I wasn't the one who was being played, of course.

Ugh, Edward had actually Googled Aro. After I had specifically told him not to. And you'd think he would at least try and hide it from me but he hadn't even cleared his browser history.

I knew he shouldn't have to anyway, since it was his computer to begin with but for someone who'd technically done something behind my back, something I had nearly begged him not to do, he wasn't covering his tracks very well.

Then again, maybe he wanted me to find this. Of course, that would indicate he had expected me to check up on him. And Edward wasn't like that. _I _wasn't like that.

It hadn't been my intention to check up on him. All I wanted to do was pass some time because I hadn't been able to do much but dose off a little, and tossing and turning made me even more anxious.

So I'd eventually given up on trying to drift off into unconsciousness. I was tired of not getting any sleep. Pun intended.

I'd gotten up to play some Yahtzee on Edward's laptop. I really hadn't gone looking for Edward's browser history because why would I in the first place? I had never expected him to do it.

The only reason I had stumbled upon Edward's searches was because I kept fucking forgetting to save that online games website to the Favorites page.

So when I typed "Google" into that website bar thingy, a link popped up that also had the word "Aro Volturi" in it.

That sure as fuck had unnerved me a lot. Not only that, I had also clicked on said link because I was too curious for my own good.

And it was all there. His name, picture, fucking profession, history, all of it.

Edward had simply used Wiki-fucking-pedia to "get to know his enemy".

It would have been fucking hilarious had it not been so damn tragic.

Fuck, my head hurt. And I was already under enough stress. The last thing I needed was Edward playing detective.

I really hadn't been exaggerating when I told him to stay away from Aro. It wasn't some made up threat to keep him away from my past.

Sure, I would have loved to continue to spare him the gory details but I knew I had to get the point across somehow and so I'd finally spilled some of them a few days ago in hopes of showing Edward he shouldn't go looking for things that he wouldn't be able to handle.

But he had done so anyway.

It wasn't that I didn't understand why Edward had ignored my wishes and a part of me kind of melted at his idea of being heroic. It was sweet and made me love him so fucking much.

But that was exactly why he shouldn't have.

I did a lot of fucked up things in my life, and sadly, I'd also been through a lot of equally fucked up things. But to lose Edward, someone I loved more than anything in the world.

That would be my undoing. It would crush me. Kill me.

As long as he existed somewhere, in his beautiful pure innocence, the world was not hell on earth.

But if he would cease to exist, if Aro would get to him to hurt me, to punish me for running, then life, love, existence, all would be over.

I would die too.

I stared at the picture again and shuddered. Not just because I was looking at that monstrous face – the face that had cooed in my ear and demanded I kiss it, whether on the cheek as the obedient and perfectly raised princess type daughter, or on the lips as the ripening young woman he demanded to be his lover in the night.

I felt like gagging but repressed the urge because I had bigger worries than to think about the past right now.

I groaned and eyed the clock in the corner of the screen.

Seven hours until the circus started. Send in the fucking clowns that consisted of Jessica and her lawyers – James told me she had more than one, which had made me wonder how she could afford it. And let's not forget the ringmaster that was running the show; a judge. And all the elephants in the room that were probably going to trample the progress I had made in the past few months.

I sighed, longing to bang my head against a wall. But instead I clicked the page away and shut down the computer.

I shot one more glance at the clock on the wall before retreating back to bed.

Seven hours until the circus started.

* * *

Four hours until the circus started.

Today, a judge was going to decide over my life.

With all the injustice that I'd experienced so far, I was worried that this was going to be another one of those "Let's screw Bella over" moments.

"You're up early," Edward's sleepy voice sounded next to me.

I wanted nothing more but to bury myself in his arms and stay there forever but I couldn't afford that kind of security.

"Couldn't sleep," I said dismissively. "I'm going to take a shower and make some coffee. You can sleep some more if you want."

Before I could get up, Edward's arms encircled my waist and like he could read my mind, he did pull me into the safety of his embrace.

He always knew what I needed even if I tried to fight against it myself.

He held me close and he hugged me tight. Just for a moment I allowed myself to revel in the strength of his arms and the warmth of his body pressing against mine.

"Today will work out fine," Edward said and he started to pepper my hair with kisses. On any other morning I would have welcomed his attention but now the contact made me feel extra anxious, knowing I could lose this feeling. So why torture myself into enjoying it.

A part of me simply didn't want him to have this hold on me. In the end it would only be more complicated to leave him if I had to.

Yes, we were a team. And no, I didn't want to leave him. Not at all. But if I could keep him safe that way then it would be worth the heartache.

"Bella, it'll work out," Edward stressed again and I wondered again if he could read my mind.

He sounded so sure. Ironically, Edward was surprisingly confident for someone who didn't have a huge amount of experience with life.

"How can you be so sure?" I wondered aloud. "You don't know that everything will be alright."

Edward hugged me even tighter and I ignored the hardened bulge that rested against my stomach. While morning wood was completely normal for most, it wasn't for Edward, yet he was seemingly ignoring it in favor of comforting me.

"I have faith," he whispered. "I know that's an odd concept for you and I am certainly not saying you need to believe too. I can have faith for the both of us."

"Thanks," I said truthfully. "I know… I know I have been a drag lately."

Edward nodded as he released his tight hold on me a little. His lips were curled into a mischievous grin. "You've been a terrible drag."

"Again, thanks," I muttered in mock-insult.

He flashed me another smile and a part of me wanted to tell him that I knew what he had done without my permission. But this moment, right now, being tucked into his arms, was almost perfect. I couldn't ruin it with accusations that were founded on his best intentions.

Still, no matter what, I had to protect him from the possible consequences, if necessary.

"I should get up," I said. "And you might want to take a cold shower," I teased him.

It had been a while since we'd been really intimate – well as far as intimate went. Since Vancouver I'd been so caught up in my own drama that I hadn't been very… approachable. I'd put up a wall again and it hadn't been easy for Edward to reach me, let alone get close to me.

Edward's cheeks turned pink as he flashed me a sheepish smile. "I was hoping you wouldn't have noticed that."

His embarrassment was kind of endearing. "Oh, I noticed." I winked.

"Sorry."

"Don't be," I said, shaking my head. "I could uhm… help you out with that."

* * *

I let the warm water heat my bones as I tried to keep a clear head. But it was hard to concentrate when Edward's hands were roaming my body.

And no, this was not a fucking daydream or a fantasy my mind had conjured up. This was real. We were both naked in the shower. And about to fool around a little.

That was new.

It almost made me forget it was only three hours until the circus started.

It was definitely a nice distraction but also, as Edward's hands gently touched my breasts while I tried to focus, I realized how much I needed him.

Not sexually. It wasn't about getting off or being aroused to the point of wanting release. I just wanted to feel him as close as possible.

"Stop," I suddenly spoke, though it sounded more like a moan.

Edward stilled his hands which gave me the opportunity to turn around. He looked surprised and even a little rejected, it seemed.

"Did I do something wrong?" he wondered softly.

I pushed him back against the cool tiles but made sure we were still both half under the spray of hot water.

"I just want you to hold me," I said. "I want to feel you close. Skin to skin. But I don't want to fool around."

Edward seemed to understand what I meant as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled us back under the stream of water.

I sighed contently, trying to squash the queasiness in my stomach.

"I love you," I whispered, placing a kiss on his chest, right where his heart was beating fiercely.

"As I love you."

We stood there for a while, sexual appetite and all that forgotten.

Edward was the first to break the silence.

"Everything will be alright," he said. "You'll see."

In that moment, I fucking believed him.

Thirty minutes later the nerves were back in full force, as was the rumbling in my stomach.

To keep myself busy I made breakfast, though I wasn't hungry. I tried to find some peace in the sounds coming from the bedroom, where Edward was finishing getting dressed.

I tried not to focus on the clock because it made me incredibly nervous.

And those nerves made me want to claw at my skin to rip it off. I was hot, cold and everything in between. Mostly, I just wanted this day to end before it had properly begun. No matter what the outcome might be, I wanted to know.

The uncertainty was killing me.

"Bella."

I could almost hear the seconds ticking away on the clock, every tick and tock brought me closer to the moment the circus would start.

"Bella!"

Two strong hands stilled mine and pulled me back.

"What?" I asked, half dazed.

"You nearly burned your hands," Edward pointed out as he grabbed the blackened frying pan to toss it and its content into the sink. "And the kitchen," he added with a dry chuckle.

And that did me in. Not his chuckle at my mishap. Not the smell of burned eggs that filled the air and penetrated my nostrils.

It was the simplicity of cooking that had always kept me calm. The basics of tossing ingredients together to create something that made me feel… Zen or whatever. If I was losing that because I could no longer concentrate and keep myself calm, then there was little left.

I mostly felt like a huge ass for screwing up something as simple as making scrambled eggs because I let my nerves get the best of me.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed. "I can't even do this right."

I started sobbing. "I want to be strong… I want to…"

"Ssh… shh," Edward soothed me. "You are the strongest person I know. You're stronger than most people in situations half as difficult as yours. It's just breakfast. We'll grab a bagel somewhere. Please don't worry about it. Just think of how bad my cooking is."

I knew he was trying to comfort me but all these feelings were starting to overwhelm me.

I took a few deep breaths and gave Edward a hug before I pulled back.

"How do I look?"

Edward grimaced. "Your… uh… mascara…"

I checked my reflection in the spoon on the counter and noticed the running streaks of black on my cheeks.

"Great, I look like a fucking raccoon."

"You look beautiful," Edward said. I knew he meant it because he was never anything but genuine and honest.

Well, except for playing Nancy Drew on the computer. But I couldn't even totally fault him for doing that. I knew he had only done it to try and to help in some way, even if it wouldn't help us at all in the end.

"Still, this look is very 2009," I smiled weakly before kissing his cheek and disappearing into the bathroom to wash the traces of my blackened tears away so I could reapply some makeup.

I wiped away the mascara traces and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes had been shining for the past few months, all thanks to Edward. Now they were puffy and hollow. Flat.

I fixed my eye makeup and then looked myself over.

I was wearing black slacks and a grey blouse. I had bought a pair of cheap black heels last week, which were sure to kill my feet but James said that looking professional would get me a long way. I had pinned some of my hair back so the judge could see my face. That was important according to James.

Appearance was everything.

I had no doubt he was right.

When I emerged from the bathroom, I had a good chance to look Edward over.

Appearance was indeed everything with him. Everything and more.

He looked hot. Fuck hot.

He was wearing black jeans but only up close could you tell they were actual jeans. The white shirt and skinny black tie made him look very…

"Are you ready to go?" Edward interrupted my thoughts.

I took a deep breath.

It was here. No more hiding.

"Yes. I'm ready."

* * *

"It's a public hearing, so anyone who wants to can attend," James explained as he sipped his coffee.

He looked the lawyer part with his pinstripe grey suit and his slicked back sandy colored hair.

I wasn't really impressed with the fucker but he was my lawyer, so I guess I had to embrace his idea of looking like someone who knew what he was doing.

"How do you feel, Isabella?" he asked me.

I rolled my eyes at his professional tone.

"That's not my name."

"In that courtroom it will be," he warned. "You better get used to that now. People will be very formal. They will use your full name when they address you. I know you prefer to be called Bella but for legal reasons, your full name will be used."

I shrugged. "We're not in a courtroom now," I pointed out. "So, call me Bella."

"Fair enough. I just want to make sure you are fully prepared."

Silly fucking James.

He could never prepare me for what I was going to face inside that courtroom. It was my life on the line.

Yes, it was a melodramatic notion but there was so much to lose. And regardless of what I had done in the past, I had worked hard to change my life around.

But maybe I wasn't entitled to permanent happiness. Maybe these past few months with Edward were all I was getting.

I looked at Edward and again I was struck with how sexy and professional he looked. Maybe a little nerdy too. I wanted to giggle at my own shallowness.

I was hours away from possibly going to jail. James might not be convinced it would get to that but I wanted to at least mentally prepare myself of that possibility so that the shock wouldn't be too big, and here I was lusting after my boyfriend.

Ah well, at least it was a nice distraction.

"Bella?"

I lifted my eyes and found Edward looking at me with curiosity.

"Are you alright? You looked miles away."

"I was just thinking."

He squeezed my hand and nodded. "Good thoughts I hope."

I nodded. If only he knew how good thoughts about him were.

James ignored our exchange as he fumbled with his Blackberry.

"Right, as I was saying before, it's a public hearing, so anyone can attend. Rest assured though, for most people these kinds of cases aren't interesting, so don't worry about a flock of strangers being there to gawk at you."

I didn't really care about anyone being there, except for the people I was connected to. I knew Rosalie and Angela were going to be there but it was possible Esme and Maggie were going to be there as well. That did make me a little nervous because one could potentially become my mother-in-law someday and the other was my boss.

They were going to be so disappointed in me if I got convicted. And they could change their opinion of me if they heard all the gory details about my past.

"It's time to go," James announced as he rose.

I nodded as Edward took my hand to lead me.

At the door James turned and smiled his flashy lawyer smile.

"Are you ready?"

The question was really starting to get to me.

My answer was a simple eye roll before I gestured for him to keep walking.

Edward halted me and leaned in to place a kiss below my ear.

"I love you."

* * *

The courthouse was impressive on the outside. Probably cost a few taxpayer dimes but it was worth the display of power. The statue of Lady Justice, however, was a little daunting. I didn't know if she was mocking me or giving me a supportive but stony glance.

When we entered the large hallway, a bailiff led us to a bench next to a large door and told us to wait there until we were called.

It felt like I was stuck in an episode of one of those lawyer shows. The hallway was broad and wide with benches placed against the walls next to the entrances of what were probably the various courtrooms.

Edward stroked my knuckles and kept leaning in to whisper jokes in my ear to ease my mind while James kept blabbing away on his fucking phone.

Then suddenly, Edward jumped up, pulling me with him.

"Mom!" he greeted Esme who came walking toward us with Maggie, Angela and Rosalie in tow.

That made me feel fucking choked up. To think they were here to support me – and Edward, of course - was something that made me feel very emotional.

They were going to be so disappointed once they heard the ugly truth about my life before Edward. Only Angela knew the bitter truth because she had lived it herself.

"Hello, dears," Esme greeted us with a hug.

"Esme," I whispered, while Edward kissed her cheek.

He then proceeded to greet the others while Esme pulled me aside.

"How are you?" she inquired as she rubbed my arms.

"Nervous. Maybe a little ashamed that all of you are here to witness this."

"Ashamed?" Esme asked. "Bella, I told you yesterday I was going to be here. And Maggie also wanted to show her support."

Right, yesterday. We'd had Sunday dinner at the Cullens, despite Edward's initial reluctance.

I could see where he was coming from; he'd wanted Doctor Deacon to apologize before he'd set a foot in his parents' house again.

From his point of view that made plenty of sense but I had my fucking doubts Doctor Deacon would ever apologize anyway. He saw no wrong in his actions.

In fact, a man like him, so eager to blame me for all the dischord in his family, would probably take his son's absence at a family dinner as another thing to add to the "it's all Bella's fault" list he'd managed to compile.

So I had convinced Edward we should go and we had. Just to show him we were above his games.

And all in all, the night hadn't turned out to be so bad.

Esme's Sunday lamb roast with red skin potatoes and a grilled zucchini salad had been devoured by all the Cullen men. Yes, including Doctor Deacon.

He had acted polite, even bordering on friendly where he smiled and interacted with everyone. Even me, albeit marginally. I didn't believe asking me to pass the potatoes could be defined as an actual conversation but at least he hadn't said anything to make me feel more uncomfortable than I already had.

The peanut butter brittle cheesecake that I'd brought for dessert was also a winner. Mostly with Emmett who had begged me to make him one for his birthday, which was coming in a month.

When I had hesitated to promise him because I had no idea where I'd be in a month, the conversation had stirred to my court date and Rosalie and Esme had both promised to come out to support me.

"It's just that I said and did things that aren't pretty. And that's a freaking understatement. I am sure the defense is going to bring that up."

"But you have also shown that's not really who you are. And a fair person would see that as well."

"I love Edward," I blurted out. "I know you are here to support him too and I would never want to do anything to embarrass him."

"Bella, sweetheart, we are here for you both. I know how much you love Edward and he loves you. Never forget that."

I flashed her a thankful smile before I greeted the others. Edward returned to my side and held my hand until we were called in.

I'd always been pretty good at compartmentalizing my problems right until the moment I could no longer postpone facing them. But now all the moments before this one, all the fluttering nerves, the nightmares that consisted of a deviously smiling Jessica who pointed at me laughing while I was wearing an orange jumpsuit and being dragged away by a few guards, seemed meaningless compared to the hammering of my heart and the heaviness of my footsteps as I moved.

The burden pressing down on my shoulders and the nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach made me feel drained and the show hadn't even begun.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages…

Welcome to the circus.

* * *

The inside of a fucking court room was intimidating.

Not because it looked special or grotesque. It wasn't even fancy. In fact, I was a little disappointed by the décor.

The walls were a pale grey and the linoleum on the floors a strange beige. The wooden benches that took up most of the courtroom looked old and worn.

A court bailiff led us to our seats on one side of the room. It was a large desk with three chairs. James took one and he pointed at the one in the middle before I could ask where to sit. His intern, Sophie, a twenty year old law student who looked at James like he was a rock star, which he so wasn't, sat down on my other side.

The nauseating feeling in my stomach bubbled up and for a moment I thought I was going to cause a scene by hurling onto the oak wooden desk. Edward, always so fucking perceptive to my distress, grabbed my hand and placed a kiss into the palm before I could sit down.

"Listen to me," he said lowly, ignoring James and Sophie. "I am right behind you. Just pretend I am holding your hand all the way through this and that later on, when we're alone, we can snark together about the judge, James' hairdo and you can even get inappropriate with suggestions his legal assistant is helping him with his pro-boner."

I frowned at him before a giggle burst from my lips.

"What?" Edward grinned sheepishly. "It's an Emmett joke, don't ask. I probably didn't tell it right but for two seconds I got your mind off other things, didn't I?"

"And into the gutter," I muttered, hoping more than anything that Edward and I would, in fact, be joking about all of this later tonight.

"Edward," James alerted us. "You better go take your seat."

Edward nodded and leaned in to kiss my cheek.

"I love you."

"Love you too," I mumbled, swallowing back tears that threatened to spill over.

"Remember," he said. "I'm right behind you."

He touched my cheek one more time before he moved to sit on the bench right behind our table. I turned to look at him before I allowed myself to take a peek at the table across the aisle.

There were two old and stuffy lawyers sitting there. One was grey, the other nearly bald. Both wore suits that were a few sizes too small.

They both looked like they'd been lawyers for far too long.

But there was no Jessica sitting with them.

She wasn't here.

That was a fucking surprise.

Surely that stupid cow hadn't forgotten about her own court date, had she?

I snorted. Jessica actually probably had.

She was definitely stupid enough to forget to show up. Or too high or drunk to stand upright and look decent.

Still, would she really miss out on the opportunity to get her "day in court" so to speak? To spew bad things about me in hopes of getting me convicted?

I definitely didn't believe that. The bitch would love to see me fry, so there was no fucking chance she'd miss her front row seat to the circus.

I looked behind the lawyers and spotted Mike. He looked like absolute shit.

And I wasn't talking about the usual hangover look he sported on a daily basis. He looked visibly upset. But when his eyes landed on me, I noticed they were bloodshot.

Maybe he was hung over after all.

"All rise!"

I shook off my thoughts and followed James and Sophie and everyone else in the room as they stood.

A sixty something grey haired man with a beard and thick rimmed glasses wearing a black robe, entered through a side door before he took a seat and told us to do the same.

I wasn't sure what to make of him. His eyes were dark brown, almost black. And he wore a smile but it was one of authority. This was his show, he was the ringmaster.

Since we had technically begun and Jessica was still not there, I was kind of curious. I wondered if James had noticed despite Sophie's giggling at him.

_Duh, Bella. He probably had._

I barely listened as the court reporter called the case number.

James had explained it to me in layman's terms. In a civil lawsuit there was a plaintiff and a defendant. Jessica was the plaintiff, I the defendant. There was no jury and the judge would decide if Jessica's claim was justified.

It was called a bench trial or something.

The judge would also decide on the sentence.

I wondered if all of this wasn't getting very complicated with the absence of Jessica.

"Mr. Peters?"

I snapped out of it in time to hear the judge address one of the lawyers at the other table. It was the bald one.

"Your Honor, sir… unfortunately our client Ms. Stanley isn't here yet."

The judge's bushy eyebrows rose at that admittance. "Your client isn't here?"

Ha, I knew that bitch wouldn't show up. Once a tardy coke-up whore, always a tardy coked-up whore.

"No sir. But we have good hope she'll be here soon."

The judge did not like that and suddenly I saw my chances at maintaining my freedom rise.

I looked at James to read his expression but he was writing something down. I turned to look at Sophie who shrugged at me when she read the questions in my eyes.

"Mr. Peters, do we all look like we have time for tardiness?"

"No sir."

"Your Honor, if I may," James spoke up. "I would like to point out that we were all here on time. That includes Ms. Swan, naturally."

The judge sighed, not impressed with James either, though maybe he was just that type of man. Impatient and above all parties.

"Yes, Mr. Brandon, I am aware your client is here, I can see her sitting right next to you."

"I am sorry sir, I just wanted to point out how Ms. Swan respects the court and thereby your busy schedule."

"Pfft," the other lawyer, the one with hair, scoffed. "She didn't respect human rights when she pushed our client down the stairs. I wouldn't be too impressed with her ability to show up somewhere on time."

"Your Honor," James started but the judge beat him to it.

"Mr. Roberts, that's quite enough! We haven't even started yet, for Pete's sake," he muttered.

"Your Honor, with all due respect," James said. "How long must we wait. I am sure none of us have all day."

The judge seemed to agree with that, since he nodded. "Mr. Brandon, Mr. Peters. Please approach the bench so we can discuss this. And Mr. Roberts, not a peep from you."

The men went to talk to the judge in hushed tones. There were quite a few murmurs in the room as well.

And I just sat there, between hope and fear. Maybe, if she didn't show up, the judge wouldn't even bother with proceeding. I wasn't a legal expert but surely her fucking absence had to be bad for her and good for me, right?

"What's going on?" I whispered at Sophie who was doodling little hearts all over her notepad.

So much for being a professional. I just waited until she'd start to add "Mrs. James Brandon or JxS" to them. Fucking juvenile.

I chuckled at my own bizarre thoughts while Ms. Barely Legal hid her drawings as she blushed.

"I'm sorry, what?" she asked.

"What is going on?" I repeated with precision.

"Oh! Well, I think they are deliberating on how to proceed. It's weird that Ms. Stanley isn't here."

I shrugged. "If you knew Jessica, you wouldn't be so surprised. But this is a good thing for us, right?" I asked, hoping she'd use whatever legal competence she might possess to assure me from a semi-professional point of view.

"Well, possibly. If she shows up soon, the judge might overlook it. If she stays away entirely, he might dismiss the entire thing, or postpone it."

Ugh, I thought about the possibility of having to go through this entire process again at a time when that bitch did see it appropriate to show up.

My heart started pounding faster when James returned to the table. He held up his hand before I could ask anything and pointed at the judge.

Once everyone was seated again, he scraped his throat.

"After discussing it with the legal representation from both sides, I have decided to adjourn this session until 2 PM. Let's hope Ms. Stanley will have remembered her court appointment by then," he added with a pointed look at her lawyers.

"Another fucking two hours," I huffed in a whisper. "This is insane."

"Sssh," James warned me.

"Alright, court is adjourned. We convene again at 2 PM."

We all rose and then he left, leaving the room filled with gasps and whispers.

James walked across the table to discuss something with Sophie. I stood there and Edward was instantly by my side. His hand found mine and his expression surely mirrored my own.

Confused but a little hopeful.

* * *

"It will be interesting if she doesn't show."

James took another bite from his sandwich before he continued. "I am curious how she managed to get Peters and Roberts though. Those old geezers usually only work in the big leagues."

"Big leagues?" I asked.

"Murder trials and all that. They are pretty old-school."

We were at a small café across the courthouse. To me it definitely looked like a lawyer hide out, judging from the fancy suits, slicked back hair, brief cases and Blackberrys I saw. Jessica's lawyers were here too, though at a safe distance from us. I knew Mike was with them because I had seen him follow them in. I wondered if they had gotten a hold of Jessica yet.

We were occupying a large table near the entrance. James was sitting with Sophie but also prepping me a little for what to expect if Jessica didn't show up.

Edward was sitting next to me, holding my hand and keeping me close. Rosalie, Esme and Maggie were also at our table. They chatted amongst themselves while James went over some possible scenarios with me.

"If she shows up, there's no doubt the judge will give her a stern talking to. It might add to his personal assessment of her behavior which could work in your favor. This guy really hates people who disrespect his time and his courtroom."

"And if she doesn't show up?" I asked, more hopeful than I probably should. I didn't want to start breaking in song and dance at the possibility of all of this going away because Jessica had decided to not make an appearance.

"Well, there's a chance he simply assigns a new court date. It's up to Ms. Stanley's lawyers to then make sure she shows up for that one. It's unlikely he'll dismiss the lawsuit altogether. Not unless she decided to drop her complaint which seems unlikely. Her lawyers would have notified the court of that."

"She would never do that anyway," I said. "She wants to see me get convicted."

"Maybe not. Whatever happens, her absence this morning has hurt her case."

"That's good, right?" Edward said.

"Yes, it probably is," James nodded. "Like I said, the judge doesn't like people who disrespect him."

After that we all chatted and finished lunch. Just before we headed back I had to use the restroom.

Edward offered to go with me, but I told him to stay put. I wanted him close but _that_ close would be all kinds of fucking weird.

I went into a stall and did my business. Once I was done, I went to wash my hands. I checked my reflection in the mirror before I turned to leave.

I was about to head back up front when an arm caught me and pushed me back against the wall.

My fear only lasted a moment when I realized it was Mike who was grabbing me.

"Let go of me, you asshole," I huffed as I gave him a push.

I had smelled the alcohol on his breath and he was a bit wobbly as he stammered back.

Fucking drunk.

"Fuck you bitch," was his brilliant comeback.

I rolled my eyes and tried to move past him when he yanked me back.

"Not so fast. It's your fault she's not here."

I was instantly intrigued by his words. If she still wasn't here that probably meant she was not going to meet the appointed deadline of 2 PM.

But I decided to play it cool.

"Fuck you, Mike. Jessica wanted this lawsuit so it is her fucking responsibility to show up on time. I guess that was too much for her. So where is she? Is she out there somewhere getting high? Drunk? Fucking some guy?"

Mike's eyes narrowed and his glare turned murderous.

"Shut the fuck up!" he spat. "It's all your fault. I don't believe for a fucking second she just disappeared."

Wait, what? She disappeared? Jessica had disappeared? Or was that just Mike's belief because he didn't think she'd stay away from her chance to humiliate me?

"She… what?" I replied intelligently.

"She's gone," Mike spat. "Two days ago she was fine and ready to do this. She even bought a fucking skirt and grey jacket to look professional," he said to himself.

Alright, that was odd. I hated the bitch and hoped her absence would be convenient for me but the fact she was actually missing, as per Mike's words, after supposedly getting ready for this wasn't right.

"When did you last see her?" I asked.

"Two days ago, when she showed me the shit she bought."

"And this morning when you guys got ready to go to the court house did you stop by the place she's staying to look for her?"

Angela had told me that Jessica had been staying with a friend or relative and that Mike usually visited her there.

"Her lawyers were supposed to pick her up," Mike replied coolly. "I was going to meet her at the courthouse."

That was fucking strange. If her lawyers were supposed to pick her up then why did they tell the judge she was running late? If they had stopped by to pick her up then they would have known…

"They know she's gone," I said. "They're just stalling."

Mike rolled his eyes. "Duh. So what did you do? Did you kill her or whatever?"

I snorted. As if I ever could or wanted to get my hands dirty that way.

"I saw Jessica once, in the hospital," I said. "She was doing some physical therapy exercises. She never saw me and I have no fucking clue about where she was staying or why she disappeared."

Mike's menacing glare was almost comical when he stalked towards me.

"You won't get away with this."

"Michael!"

I peeked over his shoulder to see one of Jessica's lawyers – the bald one - standing there, shaking his head.

"You better watch your back."

"Michael, stop!"

I shrugged and wanted to laugh in his face but decided against it. He was not worth a scene or a black eye.

He finally retreated a bit until the other lawyer, the one who had bitched about me earlier in the courtroom pulled him away. Behind them was a worried looking Edward who practically sprinted toward me when he spotted me.

Once he was close enough I held out my hand so he could grab it.

"What's going on?" he wondered.

He sounded a little out of breath.

"Mike had a little too much to drink, what else is new?" I shrugged. "He felt an explicit need to threaten me. Also nothing new."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Edward asked as he pulled me along back to our waiting party.

I shook my head. "No, just big words. But get this: he claims Jessica has disappeared."

Edward halted and turned around to face me.

He looked surprised. "What? What does that mean, disappeared?"

"I don't know. But is it terrible that I hope this will be a good thing for me?"

Edward smiled a little as he traced my lip with his finger. "Not at all."

But then he frowned. "Of course, it's not in the benefit of justice if the judge decides to postpone or even rule in your favor because of her absence."

My face fell. "What does that mean?"

Edward looked around and then pulled me into a nook near the coat racks.

"Bella, I know you don't agree, but you did accidentally push Jessica down those stairs."

"I didn't push…" I started to protest.

"I said accidental. She had a big mouth and didn't respect your space, you got mad and pushed her and then she lost her balance and fell. That's what happened, right?"

I nodded. That was it in a nutshell.

"That's probably not as uncommon as one would think," Edward murmured. "Wouldn't it be better if the judge would hear both sides and rule that you both are at fault but neither wanted anything bad to happen?"

I loved and hated Edward and his morals in that moment.

I knew he was right. Real justice was about fairness. But too often justice became convenience. Built on manipulation.

It had little to do with real justice. It wasn't about abiding the law or having actual rights. It was all about who could play and twist facts best so that a judge or jury would believe them.

Still, I'd take what I could get.

"Don't get me wrong," Edward rushed to explain when he saw my grimace. "I am saying this for your benefit. I don't want you to walk out of that courtroom today with either the worry this case is postponed and will try again at a later time, or the feeling you got off because Jessica wasn't here. You deserve to be treated fairly."

I sighed and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you, life isn't fair?"

Edward chuckled dryly. "I believe I have heard that before."

* * *

"All rise."

Again.

My feet were killing me and my nerves were completely shot. I was exhausted and really hoped to get this over with today.

It was 2 PM. No sign of Jessica. It looked like she had skipped the circus all together.

Mike was no longer in the courtroom and Jessica's lawyers looked even grimmer than before.

That told me enough. She wasn't going to be here.

I wondered if she had disappeared voluntarily or if someone had made her. But then I shook off those thoughts because they were morbid and too hard to consider.

After all, who the fuck could make her disappear?

I shuddered and pushed those thoughts away instantly.

There was no one who would deliberately do me those kinds of favors.

No one who could, except…

Aro.

And I doubted he knew or cared.

Still, it was suspect that she had simply skipped her own case.

"Alright. We agreed to reconvene at 2 PM," the judge started. "Since we have already wasted enough time today, I want to keep this short."

"Mr. Brandon, Mr. Peters, please come over here, so I can briefly fill you in."

I sighed as James rose and walked off to approach the judge.

He certainly knew how to build up a show like a true ringmaster.

I wanted to turn around to see Edward's face to calm me but was too afraid to move. In the corner of my eye I noticed the lawyer remaining at the other table looking at me but I wasn't about to meet his gaze after the ridiculous stuff he said earlier.

I tried to keep my breathing steady as I observed the scene in front of me. I watched as James, that Peters dude and the judge talked amongst themselves. It appeared they were in the middle of a heated discussion. Especially Peters looked livid.

That was a good thing, right?

Good for me. Or was it? Edward's words about justice still stuck with me. If the judge would decide to let me off the hook because Jessica was gone, I'd be fucking thrilled. But it wouldn't clear my name. It wouldn't put a part of the responsibility on her.

But still, I wasn't in the position to be picky. If I got off because she was too stupid to show up, I'd be okay with it.

I wanted to ask Sophie if she knew what was going on but she was doodling again and frankly she seemed more into her crush on James than the actual workings of what was going on.

Finally, after what seemed ages but was probably no more than a few dragged out minutes, James returned to our table.

He wore a smile.

That was good, right?

The judge waited for a few moments. Seriously, he was all about the fucking suspense, and then he spoke.

"While court was adjourned, I received word from Ms. Stanley's lawyers about the current whereabouts of Ms. Stanley."

So they did know where she was.

"It would appear she had left the city and has no immediate plans to return anytime soon. She also informed her lawyers that she wishes to drop her complaint against Ms. Isabella Swan."

What. The. Fuck.

"Due to some logistic and technical issues the court could not be informed of this matter before this afternoon. I apologize for all the inconvenience."

He said something more about counter-suits and all that but I barely paid attention.

Jessica wanted to drop the lawsuit. Jessica had left town. Then what were we doing here? Why would Jessica and her lawyers allow everyone to go through so much trouble and agony, well agony for me anyway, when she had to have informed them she wasn't going to go through with it before we started?

But most importantly, why had she bought new clothes two days ago if she was going to skip town and drop the whole thing?

Mike was under the impression she didn't disappear voluntarily and I could see his reasoning.

But the judge said she had left out of her own free will.

So who was right? And if she had been forced to leave… who had made her?

And why?

I was dazed, confused and rose on autopilot when everyone around me did. Then the judge was gone and James started blabbing about suing Jessica for something or the other, but I shook my head.

I just wanted one thing.

"Edward." I sighed when I felt his arms wrap around me.

"It's okay," he said and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"It's over."

I wanted to believe him but somehow I didn't think he was right.

I still had my freedom but for how long?

I sighed and Edward hugged me tighter while I held on for dear life.

It wasn't over.

It was only just beginning.

* * *

**A/N Not going to do a long A/N. Bella was never going to get convicted. She had her "behind bars" chapter early on and this isn't a prison story. But I think you all know this isn't just a "lucky break" for Bella.**

**"All eyes on me, in the center of the ring. Just like a circus..." refers to Britney Spears' song Circus. No other meaning but those two lines in reference to this chapter.**

**I just want to thank everyone who's been reading, reccing, reviewing and enjoying BOTW in 2011. I am still proud it won "Must Read" at the Avant Garde Awards a few months ago. I also want to thank my BETA and friend Parama. So much credit goes to her :)**

**Alright, leaves me to say: I wish everyone the best in 2012. And BOTW is not over by a long shot!**

**Happy New Year!**


	47. House and Home

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism. **

* * *

**CHAPTER 45: HOUSE AND HOME**

Her lips were soft as they nipped and pecked mine. Her hands demanded attention as they tugged on my hair.

I stroked the alabaster skin of her cheek with my thumb, causing a delicious blush to slowly spread under my fingertips.

A soft moan and a giggle erupted from her. They were lovely sounds from the girl who hadn't smiled and acted this carefree in a while.

But then we had to be interrupted.

"Guys, come on!"

I tried to ignore the voice and focus on the girl leaning against the armrest between us so she could get as close as possible.

"This is inappropriate behavior! Indecent exposure, even."

"Emmett, let them be!"

I sighed and reluctantly released Bella's lips. She kept her eyes closed a little while longer and looked perfectly content as she continued to lean in to me.

"Thank you," Emmett muttered. "Some of us want to watch this movie," he added in a hiss.

We were in an overcrowded movie theatre with Rosalie and Emmett as part of what Emmett had dubbed some sort of a pre-Valentine's Day double date.

The actual Valentine's Day was three days away. Bella and I didn't have anything special planned because she had told me she wasn't a huge fan of the commercial hype. Her words.

As a guy, an inexperienced but learning guy, I actually echoed that sentiment but when I'd learned Emmett did have all these romantic things planned for Rosalie, I wondered if maybe Bella expected me to do the same, despite saying there was no need. Women were confusing that way, according to Emmett. They said one thing but meant another.

I had noticed this a few times though Bella was usually quite forthright. She said what she meant and meant what she said. So if she didn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day, I wasn't going to argue. Still, I wasn't going to bypass the possibility of having an extra romantic day; we could certainly use one. My mother had mentioned an outdoor Valentine's Day picnic at the Botanical Gardens in Bellevue. I was certain Bella would like to revisit them. So I had decided it would not hurt to take her there and make it a special day, especially after all the stress we'd had lately.

It had been almost a month since that hectic and anxiety filled day in court. Bella had been a wreck that day and the days prior. She had tossed and turned the night before and it hadn't escaped me that she had even left the bed for a while.

The court session itself had been filled with apprehension. The wait for Jessica had been nerve wracking. And then, rather abruptly, it had been over. Jessica had decided to withdraw her complaint at the last minute.

The outcome had been welcomed with happiness as much as it had left Bella and I extremely confused.

Not to mention tired. Bella had collapsed with exhaustion the moment we'd walked inside the door after we had left the courthouse.

I had let her sleep on the sofa for a while, indulging myself in watching her because I hadn't wanted to let her out of my sight. Then, when she had finally woken up, she'd been disorientated and confused, which had led to a long round of crying.

All the emotions that had built up inside her for weeks had exploded like a volcano of tears. Her eyes had gone puffy and she had clung to me like I was a life buoy.

"Don't leave me," she had begged and I had reassured her over and over I would stay with her. I couldn't even leave if I wanted to. She was the most important thing to me now.

Eventually Bella had calmed down enough for us to talk about everything that had happened.

There were questions.

For instance, why had Jessica left Seattle so abruptly? Why had she dropped her complaint against Bella so unexpectedly?

It made little sense.

Bella had worried that Jessica hadn't dropped the suit and left Seattle voluntarily, in spite of what the judge announced earlier. She believed the girl had been forced to.

"Why would she do this?" Bella had wondered during our conversation. "It doesn't make any sense."

I had agreed with her because it was certainly remarkable. But then, perhaps Jessica had found it too much of a hassle to go through with it. I hadn't ever met her but from the stories I'd heard, she was fickle and all over the place.

"Maybe she was worried she wouldn't win," I had suggested which had earned me an eye roll from Bella.

"She bought professional clothes. I doubt she would have made the effort and spend money if she believed she didn't stand a chance. Plus, Mike said she was very confident and well, I am certain she would have loved to see me struggle. It makes no sense."

Her belief had been strengthened by what Mike Newton had shared alongside the threats he had fired at her during their confrontation at the restaurant.

Mike had been convinced Jessica had not simply left out of her own free will. He'd believed someone had made her disappear.

According to him, Jessica had been ready for her court case, having bought new clothes and everything.

There was no way she would have changed her mind. Bella had agreed with him.

"So, what happened then?"

Bella's face had fallen at my question.

"Someone either paid her off or made her disappear."

I hadn't wanted to ask the obvious next question but did so anyway.

"Who would do that?"

I'd expected Bella to get anxious again when confronted with the possibilities but she had remained surprisingly calm.

"Aro, Demetri. To name a few. But probably one of them."

"So you think she was paid off or vanished to favor you?"

"Obviously." Bella had nodded. "The scenario only benefits me. Definitely not her."

"Okay, let's say she was paid off," I suggested. "Perhaps the right amount of money made it easier to change her mind."

Bella had contemplated that with a frown on her face. Then she had shrugged again, accepting the possibility of my words.

"Even so, that would mean someone with enough money paid her a nice sum to make it worth her while to leave town and forget about wanting me behind bars. That doesn't change the players, just the motive. Well, for her anyway."

"Aro or Demetri," I had mused in disgust. "If Aro is responsible it could mean he knows where you are and what's been going on in your life."

"Maybe that's the whole plan," Bella had muttered quietly. "Maybe they've been playing me all along."

She had sounded surprisingly unalarmed. Almost like it was no big deal, but I knew better. And since then, while she was doing better in general, I knew she was still wary that at any moment the ghosts of her past would come back to confront her.

Things had improved a little though. Life had eased up and slowed down a bit.

And Bella was truly doing better; her nightmares were less frequent and she was far less on edge.

Overall she was happier and more carefree.

Perhaps it helped that I tried to distract her as much as I could, including right now by taking her to see this action movie I couldn't care less about. Emmett wanted to see it and Rosalie indulged him. Bella and I could care either way but it was a nice distraction.

Plus, in the dark no one paid too much attention to two people making out.

Except Emmett.

"What is this movie about anyway?" I asked Emmett pleasantly.

"Dude, it's Tom Cruise. That's all you need to know," he dismissed me.

I shrugged and tried to focus on the previews but Bella was distracting me with the way she was stroking my hand and nuzzling in the crook of my neck.

"You smell nice," she whispered. "Like home."

Rosalie seemed just as engrossed in what happened on the big screen as Emmett while Bella and I were more interested in cuddling and whispering in hushed tones.

"I never liked Tom Cruise," Bella admitted as she clasped one of my hands between hers.

"Really?" I murmured. "I was under the impression he is one of the most attractive, desirable movie stars of our time."

Bella snorted. "Did you Google that?"

Her smile suddenly faltered and a little V forming between her eyebrows.

"Bella?"

"Never mind," she muttered. "Let's just watch the movie. Oh, and Tom Cruise is okay if you enjoy couch-jumping over the top egomaniacs."

She remained silent after that.

* * *

Two hours and a lot of explosions later, we were at an ice cream parlor not too far from the movie theatre to have some dessert. Emmett had ordered the biggest ice cream coupe on the menu, Rosalie went for something with chocolate and Bella and I had decided to share a banana split.

"I love ice cream," Bella sighed happily as she licked her lips clean of some whipped cream.

Her sour mood from earlier seemed forgotten.

"Clearly," Emmett teased as he gobbled down his dessert. "You make noises that are more befitting in the bedroom," he added in a mock strict tone.

"Emmett!" Rosalie scoffed, while I glared at him.

"Look who's talking," Bella shot back, holding her own. "We could have been eating from all that ice cream you're having on your own together."

Emmett shrugged. "I'm a big guy, I need it."

"Sure, sure."

Bella stuck out her tongue and then continued to battle me for the last few pieces of banana.

"Stop hogging it," I warned half heartedly.

I was aware of how Emmett and Rosalie were watching us as we finished the ice cream together but I was too captured by Bella's happiness to care and she was too busy enjoying the sweet treat to notice.

I watched as the spoon went into her mouth, the way her tongue curled around the metal to lick the sticky melting substance…

I gulped.

It was very… stimulating and I was relieved no one could see the current state of the area near my crotch as it was safely hidden under the table.

"Earth to Edward," Bella's sweet voice pulled me away from lusting over her.

She gave me an expectant look as she held out her spoon in front of me.

"It's the last piece of banana." Bella smiled coyly.

I opened my mouth so she could feed me which caused Emmett to make awkward kissy noises.

"Thanks." I smiled, ignoring my brother. "Tastes good."

Bella kept that coy smile in place every time I caught her staring at me as Emmett and Rosalie gave us a ride home.

It was quite enticing.

As soon as we arrived back at the apartment, Bella plopped down on the sofa. She stretched her body which caused her shirt to ride up a little. The exposed sliver of ivory skin made me want to…

Do what exactly? I knew it enhanced the tingling in my stomach that had been set alight earlier when she was licking that spoon filled with ice cream.

And I knew how soft that skin was; it was like silk under my finger tips.

I sighed longingly when I caught Bella staring at me. She was smiling knowingly.

"Like what you see," she teased as she beckoned me to join her by softly padding the spot next to her.

"Always," I grinned.

I sat down beside her and Bella wasted no time to close the distance by crawling into my lap and searching for my lips.

I welcomed her kiss by sucking her lower lip into my mouth, eager to have her close. When I released her for a second she opened her mouth to permit my tongue entrance.

This contact no longer scared me. I loved kissing Bella and the energy crackling between us when we were this close. It was intoxicating.

"Mmm." Bella moaned. "Too bad Emmett had to interrupt us earlier."

"No worries," I murmured teasingly. "We have plenty of time to resurrect that now."

I deepened the kiss and pulled her flush against me. Our heartbeats and breathing mingled, while our hands groped and explored. Our tongues danced and the room filled itself with sounds of desire.

The atmosphere was intense, shifting. This weren't the innocent make-out sessions of two people getting to know each other romantically.

This was, for all intents and purposes, _foreplay._

It was only a matter of time until we would actually go all the way.

Have sex, make love.

After a few minutes, Bella pulled away to catch her breath. Her cheeks were sporting a delicious pink blush.

"Happy Almost Valentine's Day," she murmured against my jaw.

"Happy indeed," I agreed as I had to readjust myself in my pants. It was getting easier to accept these feelings even if they still scared me a little in general.

Bella gave my bulging crotch a quick glance but said nothing. Instead, she nestled herself against my chest and rested her head in the crook between my neck and collarbone.

I could feel her inhale and then sigh contently.

"My Edward," she whispered and I couldn't help but bury my face in her hair and catch a little whiff myself.

"My Bella," I mimicked the endearment. "I love you."

"I love you too," Bella whispered as her hands made patterns on my chest.

Slowly her fingers crept lower until they halted in the spot where my t-shirt met the top of my jeans.

I could feel the familiar tingle building up in the lower part of my stomach and my erection stirred to life even more.

"May I?" Bella asked, warily. She still did this whenever we were getting closer to some form of intimacy.

The answer got stuck in my throat so I nodded.

I wanted her touch. I needed it. _Longed_ for it.

Bella flashed me a gentle smile as her fingers found an opening between my shirt and jeans. She stroked an exposed part of my skin, running her fingers through my happy trail.

"So soft," she murmured to herself.

I sucked in a deep breath as she traced even lower and carefully cupped my jeans clad erection.

"Bella," I moaned as she started rubbing in slow and agonizing moves.

"If it's too much, tell me to stop," she said.

I wasn't coherent and wouldn't dare to stop her. But what she did next did take me by surprise a little.

She peeled down the zipper and fumbled with the button until it popped open.

I felt instant relief as my erection had a little more room but then Bella shocked me by slowly leaning in, with her mouth closing in on the cotton of my boxers, which was bulging with my pleasure.

It took me all but a few seconds to realize what she was about to do and a part of me wanted to stop her. A bigger part – a very prominent part too, wanted her to continue.

She was going to touch my erection… with her mouth.

As if she sensed it, Bella lifted her eyes to mine, to ask silent permission.

I nodded once before her lips touched the barely there fabric of my underwear, slowly and gently placing kisses on my erection.

I tried to bite down on my tongue and keep my mouth shut to prevent any unintelligible sounds from escaping. But it was hard to keep focus when she was eliciting such wonderful feelings from me.

Her lips kept pressing down on my penis, with only the thin shred of fabric between, while one of her hands reached further inside my jeans to finger the shaft and my balls.

"Bella," I grunted incoherently. "Aaah…"

She halted and looked up. "Too much?"

I quickly shook my head; I didn't want her to stop. My insecurities were almost insignificant compared to my desire to get my release.

Bella flashed me a small smile and nodded before she went back to moving her hand up and down my shaft inside my boxers while her lips stayed on the fabric.

Her pace quickened and then suddenly my stomach clenched and an explosion of pleasure made me come in my boxers, while her name danced on my lips.

Bella pushed herself up and smiled proudly before she kissed my cheek.

"That was uhm…" I hesitated.

"Good I hope." she winked.

"Very good." I nodded as I tried to ignore the sticky feeling in my underwear. While I had embraced the pleasures of the flesh, the aftermath was still a little awkward for me.

"I just wish…"

"What do you wish?" Bella asked curiously.

"I don't want you to think you have to do this every time I am aroused."

Bella chuckled. "Believe me, I don't think that. I'm your girlfriend and I want to make you feel good and comfortable. I know this is still not entirely natural to you."

I blushed and gave her a sheepish smile. "I seem to ruin a lot of underwear and well, I wish I lasted longer."

Bella smiled as she curled into my side. "We can work on the stamina – thing." She winked.

"I no longer feel bad… for feeling this way."

"You shouldn't." Bella grinned. "It's definite progress."

I nodded. "I suppose. And… uhm… what you did just now, I liked that. A lot." I felt my cheeks burning further at my admittance.

"Wait until there's no fabric in the way." Bella teased.

I wanted to bury my head in my lap in embarrassment because of my inexperience and her obvious expertise but Bella stopped me from hiding and sulking. "Hey, it's okay, I am just messing with you. We don't have to do that at all."

"No, I want to… do that... I mean have you do that."

Bella nodded in approval. "A blow-job, hmm," she mused with a smile.

I cringed. She had given many of those. In different, cruel circumstances.

"You don't have to," I rushed to say. "I'm not one of your clients… or him," I whispered.

Bella ignored my words and took my hand. "I want to. I just did, well sort of." She smiled. "But we'll take our time exploring this. And right now, you better get cleaned up. I know you feel uncomfortable."

She knew me well.

"You don't want me to…" I suggested, my eyes darting to the spot between her legs, trying to shake the amazing memory of how warm that spot was and how she had enjoyed when my fingers…

My erection was already coming back to life and I willed it down.

Bella shook her head. "No, I'm good. You? Round two, Mr. Cullen?" She smiled coyly, seductively as she eyed my semi-erection. "It would be my pleasure."

I shook my head, not certain that I would be able to handle the sensory overload of two orgasms.

"How about you think of naked Emmett, then clean up, before you meet me in bed," Bella suggested.

I frowned at the idea of naked Emmett. His chest was hairy, that much I knew. But it sort of worked.

"Bed?" I asked.

"For cuddling, Edward," Bella teased. "I want you to hold me."

"It would be my pleasure, Ms. Swan."

* * *

The next day we were both off from work and school, though we did have a group therapy session with Doctor Eleazar.

We'd had a quick breakfast before we'd headed over to the community center where we were now listening to Doctor Eleazar starting this session.

"You've been in therapy for a few months now. Some of you are doing well, others unfortunately have failed to make this far."

Doctor Eleazar looked pensive as his eyes searched the small circle that had formed around him. There were six of us left. George and Mary. Lisa and Molly. Plus, Bella and me. Jack and his buddy were absent yet again; he had only ever made it to a few sessions. The others however, had remained and were doing better, as far as I could tell.

"Anyway, let's not dwell on that. Those of you who are here have made a lot of progress." He smiled. "That's what matters."

I could tell Bella was desperate to roll her eyes but she knew better by now. Last time she had done that in such an obvious manner, Doctor Eleazar had caught her doing it. He had called her out on it though he hadn't been angry. In fact, he had been rather amused. And as a form of punishment he had made Bella stand in front of the group for a whole minute while we had been making faces at her, to which she was not allowed to laugh.

She had obviously hated it, but it had worked. She had repressed the urge to show her disapproval so blatantly ever since.

"Today, I am afraid I have to keep our session short because I have an appointment that's starting a little earlier than expected. Since we have about 30 minutes left I want to talk about the progress you've all made and the things you could still work on. George, Mary. You start. Mary, as George's buddy I want you to go first and share with us what's going well for George and what needs more improvement."

Bella tapped her foot as she listened to Mary and George talk. She seemed to get a little anxious when teenager Lisa who looked brighter and happier and her buddy, Molly, shared their experiences so far.

When it was finally our turn and we each had to say what we believed was going well for Bella and what could do with some progress, she was taking deep breaths to will the nerves away. She still hated to speak in front of the group or have attention focused on her.

This was difficult for me too though. In my biased boyfriend opinion I felt she was doing pretty well overall. And I really didn't believe it was up to me to judge what she could improve upon. She had a good therapist, Doctor Carmen, who could guide her in that department and she was level-headed enough to know her strengths and weaknesses.

But as her buddy, as an objective person helping her change her life, I could think of things. Things I now had to share and Bella, being a girl who was sensitive about these things, eyed me with scrutiny. I had to weigh my words carefully in order for her to not take it personally.

"Edward, why don't you tell us in what ways Bella has progressed."

"Well, Bella has progressed a lot," I said proudly, because it was true. "She has a steady income and a job where she had made a lot of progress. One could even say she is indispensable although she would probably disagree."

Bella did, of course. She rolled her eyes so that Doctor Eleazar couldn't see but I was simply telling the truth. Maggie was impressed with her talent and skills.

"That's good news. What else?" he encouraged me.

"Her personal life is more stable. She never misses a therapy appointment and she's become calmer and less agitated. She swears much less." I chuckled, which made the others join in.

Even Bella couldn't hide a smirk.

Doctor Eleazar nodded thoughtfully as he wrote down a few things.

"Okay, now name me something she could still improve upon?"

I scraped my throat. "There is always room for improvement, for all of us. But I suppose she could take some steps forward in terms of facing the things that frighten her."

Bella's eyebrows rose but she said nothing. She appeared stoic but I knew something had to be brewing underneath the surface. I just wasn't certain if she was angry because I was being candid or simply listening in concentration.

"Like what? What are her fears?"

"She has issues with… religion," I started carefully. "It's very deeply rooted."

"And how could she progress in that department?"

I dared not look at Bella now but I felt her shift in her seat – further away. She was angry.

"I am not saying she should suddenly convert to a religion but she could perhaps relax her stance a little."

Before Doctor Eleazar could ask me to elaborate, Bella beat him to it.

"How?" she asked coolly. "How am I supposed to do that? Relax my stance?" She sneered.

I knew she was angry now and I hated for me to be the reason. I was merely speaking objectively. I wasn't really criticizing her as her boyfriend, but it was understandable she wouldn't understand the difference. Although, perhaps I was being a hypocrite, maybe there was no difference.

"You could join me at church," I suggested softly. "Just to embrace the atmosphere and know it is nothing to be afraid of."

Okay, so I was clearly also speaking from my own need to make her feel more comfortable towards religion because it was a part of _my _life. But there was also an objective motive.

Bella's dark eyes held mine and since I knew her well, I could tell she wasn't going to make a scene or anything right now. But she wanted to.

And later on, after the session in which Doctor Eleazar had encouraged everyone to try something they feared and report back during our next session, she had let me have it.

Or rather, she ignored me all together. All she was willing to give me was a nod when I asked her if she wanted to have lunch somewhere.

As we were sitting at a table by the window, Bella studied the menu intently, while a waitress tried to get my attention.

I was getting more attuned to this supposed flirting though it didn't affect me at all. I waited until Bella snidely placed her order of a cup of mint tea and a chicken sandwich salad before I ordered coffee and a Spanish omelet.

Once the waitress walked away, with Bella rolling her eyes behind the girl's back, I decided to speak up.

"You're mad at me," I stated softly.

Another eye roll made it my way and it was hard to bite my tongue and ignore it. It was such a childish thing to do.

"Bella," I scoffed. "Don't do that. Don't roll your eyes at me or ignore me. Talk to me," I urged.

That's what opened the floodgates.

"You threw me to the wolves in there, Edward," Bella hissed. "You know that all those shrinks take everything you say so dam... darn serious."

I waited with my response because the waitress came back with our order. Once she had placed our drinks and plates on the table and left, I spoke.

"Doctor Eleazar asked me an honest question and I gave an honest answer. I'm supposed to do that as your buddy," I pointed out.

"Really?" Bella huffed before she took a sip of her tea. "You were that honest? Speaking as my buddy? Because I think you spoke as my boyfriend."

She had me there.

"Look, I am sorry for upsetting you. And maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Still, I meant what I said. I wish you would ease up on being afraid to be near churches."

Maybe I didn't understand it, maybe it was a piece of the puzzle I had yet to unravel but Bella didn't just dislike religion, she actually didn't want to be physically near a church and that was something I couldn't comprehend. Not unless she enlightened me.

"You have no idea," Bella started angrily but then she shut her mouth and sat back with her arms crossed.

The problem as always was communication.

"Bella, talk to me," I tried again. "All I did was answer a question when Doctor Eleazar asked me what you could improve upon. As your boyfriend, I truly understand the difficulties..."

"You really don't," she interrupted me and there was a cryptic edge in her voice.

"Explain it to me then," I pushed. "I know how you feel about religion and the hypocrisy but you never really told me why it is so upsetting. I mean I saw how upset you got when we saw the Santa Maria Maggioreon TV. But wouldn't it be easier if you felt more comfortable about all that?"

"Why does it matter?" Bella asked me and she sounded less angry. "It's not like I am ever going to need be in the close vicinity of a church…" she trailed off. "Or inside for that matter."

I frowned, realizing that while she was right, it would complicate things between us. In the future. A far away future.

A flicker of something, brief and fleeting flashed through my head. It was an image of marriage and children. It was no more than a moment, a possibility that captivated me for a second. I would never force her into a religion but as long as we were together, it wasn't entirely unreasonable to hope it would get easier for Bella to occasionally be confronted with my faith.

But also, this question was interesting in terms of my dissertation. Where did Bella find her Divine guidance if she was so averse to religion and the House of God.

Did she have any guidance at all? Did she want any?

"Well?" Bella said.

"Never mind."

"Now who's being evasive…?"

"So are you," I pointed out calmly. "You won't tell me more about this aversion to religion either."

Bella huffed. "Maybe you can Google it. Like you Googled… _him _when I told you not to search."

Her admission had me embarrassed and surprised. I hadn't meant to betray her trust by doing that. I also hadn't expected her to find out. Not that I had deliberately wanted to keep it from her, it had just been that my searches had been rather fruitless.

There was a lot of general information on Aro Volturi but nothing that hadn't already been confirmed by Bella's warning. He was rich and powerful and had surrounded himself with enough people and protection to make him indestructible, basically.

Perhaps I had been a fool to think the simplicity of Googling him would be enough to find a weak spot.

All in all, it had been useless. And I had betrayed Bella's trust.

"You knew…" I stated. "Are you mad?"

I expected her to be, but her eyes were noticeably softer.

"It's stupid, but I understand why you did it. I know you want to help and protect me."

I nodded and reached out to touch her cheek. "I do."

We held each other's stare for a bit until Bella looked away.

"Why is this church thing so important to you? Why did you bring up?" she wondered suddenly. "You never said so before."

"Well, people go to church because they feel guided when they're there. You know my dissertation is about Divine guidance and well… I wonder where you find it. Who or what guides you spiritually?"

Bella snorted.

"That's what this is about? Your dissertation? You hung me out to dry as a science project during group-therapy because you need research material? And what makes you think I need to anyway? Not all of us need Divine guidance," she muttered.

I hesitated. I couldn't tell her about the fleeting thought of a future far ahead. That would freak her out.

"There's more, isn't there?" Bella said, because she read me easily.

I sighed. I didn't want to lie.

"I go to church far less than I used to," I started. "Because of you."

"Don't even think of blaming me for that," Bella pointed out wryly. "I never stopped you from going."

"I don't. I choose to be with you, with no regrets," I said.

"But when I do go and I sit there in my usual spot, I think of you. I miss you. I need you. Yes, it's selfish to want to intertwine the two but church and having faith is part of who I am. I can't change that. But you're a part of me too."

"I know that your religion is important to you," Bella murmured. "And I would never ask you to change."

"And I don't want you to change either," I said in earnest. "Honestly. But you literally avoid everything related to religion and churches. You practically start hyperventilating when you see a church tower in the distance. Remember how you wanted to take a huge detour in Vancouver when we passed a church on our city-tour?"

"While you would have liked to take a look inside," Bella said quietly. "But you didn't because of me."

I ignored the pain in her voice.

"And you try so hard with all the sex-stuff," she whispered. "Maybe I should do the same…"

"I like the sex-stuff," I whispered lowly. "And I don't want to push you. But maybe we can try one or two baby steps like Doctor Eleazar suggested."

"How?" Bella wondered sadly.

"Join me at mass some time," I told her. "Not all the time but once, as something to try. A goal."

She instantly wanted to protest but I held up my hand.

"Not right away, but we could work on it. You could pick me up on Sunday. Stay outside and wait for me," I suggested. "Please, just think about it."

"Alright, I will think about it. But I'm not making any promises."

"Thank you," I said, grasping her hand and giving it a squeeze.

* * *

By Sunday, our argument was forgotten, though the idea of making progress lingered. Bella hadn't made any guarantees about waiting for me outside after mass would end and I didn't expect her to. I hoped she would but St. Joseph was crowded and I felt out of place, which wasn't a first. People had started to treat me differently whenever I did attend mass nowadays. I'd noticed the looks and whispers. But my mother had basically begged me to make an appearance today and I had relented to make her happy.

Plus, there was a practical reason, aside from actually wanting, well _hoping,_ to find a moment to be close to Him here. It also coincided with an assignment Kate had given me during a meeting earlier in the week.

I had prepared a questionnaire to gather some opinions and thoughts on religion and Divine guidance and was going to hand it out after mass, hoping to incorporate the answers into my dissertation.

Still, being here in my usual spot, listening to my father speak… it was different than before. I used to sit in these pews with the idea that I would become a priest someday and so I had to pay attention to what happened upfront and take mental notes. Be inspired and hope to be just as inspiring someday.

But that role no longer fit me. And they saw me differently now. I was the prodigal son. The rebel who had turned his back on his vocation for some earthly pleasures.

They could think that all they wanted. I was more than okay with it. I had gotten something much better in return.

_Bella._

I sighed. If only she was here. I wanted to laugh at my own silliness. The one place Bella could never support me was the place where I found I needed her support the most.

But would she ever be able to? Could I even ask that of her?

Another flash of white silk and lace, a beaming Bella holding my hands as we exchanged age old vows, coursed through me. I even gasped a little when the image shifted to the face of an infant with Bella's deep chocolate eyes and my disarray hair, being held above a baptismal font to be welcomed as a child of God.

That was never going to happen. At least not inside a church.

I shook my head and tried to concentrate on the words my father spoke, but it was impossible. I couldn't shake those images.

The rest of my father's sermon remained a blur, and after mass finished and people found their way out, I tried to focus on the task at hand; handing out questionnaires, when Father Masen accosted me.

"Edward, hello."

He gave me a pleasant smile while I nodded and greeted him politely.

"Hello."

"How have you been?"

I wanted to roll my eyes but decided against it and answered him instead.

"I am doing well."

"That's good to hear," he said approvingly.

The silence hung awkwardly between us and it briefly made me think back of times when talking to him would have been no problem because he had been my spiritual guide.

"You know, Edward, I owe you an apology," he spoke suddenly.

I was surprised at his words and I was sure my expression betrayed as much.

"An apology?" I echoed hesitantly.

He nodded.

"I feel like your father and I wronged you during Christmas Eve mass. We were aggressive in pursuing your participation and the necessity of going to confession. It should be your decision to do so whenever you feel necessary."

His words were surprising to say the least but they had little effect. I had looked up to this man and what he represented for years. And he had wronged me by joining my father in this crusade against Bella. Making her a Jezebel, when she was an angel.

My beautiful fallen angel.

"Well, yes. You do owe me an apology. But mostly, I believe you owe Bella one," I said icily.

"Bella?" he frowned.

"The things you have said about her, time and time again have been beyond insulting. She deserves far more than that because she is a good person. So really, when I think about all you said, your apology is really kind of in vain," I pointed out.

Father Masen frowned. "I have no dealings with the girl. You're like a son to me, Edward."

I snorted. "A son? To the almighty Father? Now we both know that's not true. If I was truly like a son, to you or even my own father, you would have respected whatever decision I made. But you don't."

"You belong here, Edward," he tried. "You've always belonged here."

Father Masen was wrong. Maybe I had once belonged here, at St. Joseph, but it had been a fleeting stay. I belonged elsewhere now, I just had to find out where that was. All I knew for certain was that Bella had to be a part of that.

"You're wrong."

"I know you want this, explore these feelings you have obviously developed for the girl. I respect that, and I will let you be. But it's never too late to return home."

I rolled my eyes, Bella-style. I knew where my home was.

"You're right, I can return home. To Bella. In fact, I should head there now," I said dryly before I chose to walk away.

* * *

"Well, this is quite a list."

"I know it is, Mrs. Cope, but could you fill it in, please."

I tried to hide my irritation as I once again tried to explain to Mrs. Cope why I was asking her to fill in the questionnaire.

"It's for my studies. I am writing my dissertation about Divine guidance. It's about where and how people find and receive their faith and how they follow that guidance. Your answers, amongst others, can help me determine that."

"Sounds a tad complicated."

"Just answer the questions, it's all multiple choice," I pointed out distractedly as I watched my father and Father Masen from the corner of my eye. They seemed to be in a heated discussion about something and it definitely piqued my interest more than it should. Was it about New Orleans? Or had that been resolved in some way?

Mrs. Cope nodded and started ticking boxes. The only reason I had asked her was because she was quite a dominant part of the church and could provide with some interesting answers. When I had started to conceptualize my dissertation last year, I had actually planned to ask Father Masen and even Father Banner as well because I'd believed their views belonged in my research, since they were men of God.

But for some reason, asking them felt wrong now. I expected them to be chastising or sarcastic. Also, while I respected their views I didn't want them to lose the objectivity of giving me fair answers instead of wanting to lecture me.

"This isn't a multiple choice," Mrs. Cope nudged me.

She shook me out of my thoughts as she pressed the paper under my nose. "So what do I put there?"

I looked over the questionnaire and she was right. There was one open question at the end.

"You can answer it in your own words. But it's optional," I explained. "You don't have to write anything down if you don't want to."

"Right and this is for your studies to become a priest?"

Her question was probing, which was not unusual behavior for her.

Of course, my answer was no longer a definitive yes.

See, before… Bella, I had always explained my studies to her – and everyone else for that matter - as something that would result in me becoming a priest eventually. There were more technicalities of course but this made it easiest to for people to understand.

Except I couldn't give her a simple 'yes' now. Or at all.

"It's so I can get a degree," I hedged. "No dissertation means no degree."

"And when you graduate?" she wondered. "How long until you can be ordained?"

I had no appeasing answer for that. I was certain Mrs. Cope wouldn't be keen on the word 'Never'.

"Hmm, so the gossip is true…" she mused as I kept quiet.

Gossip? What gossip?

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're getting at," I admitted.

Mrs. Cope sighed and then leaned in close, like she was about to tell me a big secret.

"People have been talking you know," she whispered."About you and that girl, the brunette."

I wanted to roll my eyes. People were always talking, Mrs. Cope especially. But the way she scrunched her nose as she described Bella made me angry.

"You mean Bella, _my girlfriend_." I smiled coolly, although it was a genuine smile because I was proud of that fact.

"Girlfriend? So the rumors are true. She's the one who's making you give up your destiny."

I rolled my eyes for real this time, as the assumption was ridiculous and judgmental. Not to mention untrue.

"Bella is the woman I love. And she is not making me give up anything. I chose to be with her. I'd prefer it if you wouldn't feed any gossip," I said pointedly.

"I didn't mean…"

"I don't wish to discuss my personal life with you. Are you done with the questionnaire?" I demanded politely.

"I didn't mean to pry," Mrs. Cope clarified, as she ignored my question. "But it's just a little shocking. Your father and Father Masen were always so certain of your place in the church. Father Masen even hoped to take it a little easier once you could be ordained. But now…"

She didn't finish her sentence and I didn't want her to.

"I make my own choices," I said firmly. "I am sure that no matter what I decide to do, there are plenty of men of faith who can assist at the church and serve God."

"Is she worth it?" the elderly woman deadpanned. "Because she better if you are willing to give up a powerful future like that."

"Bella is more than worth it," I said icily. "Not that I need to explain myself. Now, if you're done, I have to excuse myself."

I rushed outside to hide my irritation, my assignment all but forgotten. I felt foolish going about this now that I knew what gossip swirled around the congregation.

It was no surprise people talked and really Mrs. Cope was one of the worst when it came to feeding meaningless gossip with unfounded rumors, but her words bothered me more than I wanted to admit.

Maybe today had been too much. The looks, the whispers from people. My daydreams during my father's sermon, Father Masen's unimpressive apology. The meaningful looks between him and my father just now. And then Mrs. Cope and her big mouth.

Perhaps I didn't belong here anymore. St Joseph and its congregation no longer felt like a place I could celebrate my faith and feel comfortable with my thoughts. I could no longer reach Him here.

I pulled at my collar to relieve some of the heat that had seeped into my skin. Suddenly this place felt suffocating and I imagined Bella to feel this exact way whenever she was close to a church.

Unfortunately, I wasn't going to make a lucky escape because outside I ran into Mrs. Billows, my former choir teacher when I was younger.

Could this day get any worse?

A crack of thunder sounded above me and I wanted to laugh at the irony; was He angry too? Was my punishment finally coming? Had I made mistakes these past few months by following my own path? Did He believe I'd abandoned my faith by choosing Bella?

It sounded impossible but the Heavens seemed to be mocking me with their theatrics while I was facing the ghost of destiny at every turn.

"My my, Edward Cullen. It's been a while."

Mrs. Billows was now in her early seventies. There were new lines on her face and her hair was almost white although still tucked away in an impeccable bun. She had always been tough on us choir-kids but I knew she had a kind heart.

Still, while it started to drizzle and thunder echoed around us, I wasn't in the mood to reminisce.

I wanted to get home.

I wanted Bella.

"Hello Mrs. Billows," I smiled politely. "How have you been?"

I hoped for a quick answer so I could get on my way.

But it wasn't going to happen. And because the rain became more urgent we were forced to move back to the entrance of the church so we wouldn't get soaked.

"I've been well but I haven't seen you around in a while. Your mother said you've been busy."

I nodded, not surprised my mother had explained my notable absence in vague terms instead of simply telling the blunt truth.

Spending time with Bella was what kept me away. _Willingly_.

I knew my mother had only offered neutral statements about my whereabouts to protect my privacy and not because she was ashamed of my new choices.

"Yes," I answered. "I have been busy with lots of things. Including my studies. Speaking of which," I pulled a form from my folder and explained the context of the questionnaire to Mrs. Billows before asking her to fill one in to which she happily obliged. Of course, as she eyed the questions and chose her answers, I was forced to delve into the reasons of my absence further because it gave her the time to ask more questions.

And she had heard about the gossip as well.

"I hear there is a girl," she said wistfully and I could hear an odd judgment in her voice. It angered me.

"There is," I stated firmly. "And she is amazing."

"Edward," Mrs. Billows admonished me. "I wasn't saying anything bad. It's your choice. It's just that most of us are so used to your presence and well, we have noticed the change, that is all. You were destined to do great things for our congregation. And now you have chosen otherwise."

Destined to do great things? I wanted to laugh. Was that really all I'd ever been? Someone solely destined to serve the Lord?

Was I no longer worthy of respect now that I'd set foot on a different path?

These people believed this house of God was still my home. But my home was elsewhere now.

I sighed as I watched the rain fall, the drops glistening in the flickering of lightning in the graying sky.

It distracted me until a sudden movement caught my eye. I noticed the retreating form of someone in a trench coat across the street and it caused a strange sense of unsettling familiarity inside me.

I had seen that trench coat before.

In Vancouver.

I shook my head, trying to lose my discomfort and coax myself into thinking plenty of people would wear something like that in this horrible weather. I must have been mistaken. But the unease that lingered settled in the pit of my stomach.

I refocused my attention to Mrs. Billows as she finished her answers. My silence was enough for her to drop the subject of Bella as well and for that I was grateful. We chatted about general topics until she was done.

She handed back the form when she was ready and I tucked it away from the rain when a soft voice suddenly called out, stunning me into silence.

"There you are."

There _she_ was.

Drenched but smiling, although uncertain. Her eyes were bright but cautious. She shivered against the cold and the evident anxiety but for a moment all of that didn't matter. Ghosts, gossip and the congregation were all forgotten.

All I could see was her.

Bella was here.

"Bella," I said and I couldn't prevent my lips from curling into a smile. "You came."

She looked nervous and I understood why. She was here on her own assignment.

A giant baby-step. Facing something from her past and embracing it.

I knew this was huge for her. To be close to something that she loathed and feared so much.

A church. A house of God. The place I had called home once.

And I wanted to smile because it was so perfectly apt, so fitting. The house of God and my new home. Bella.

She stood there, her head cocked to the side as she watched me smile with a hint of curiosity and a ghost of a smile playing on her own lips.

I closed the distance instead of pulling her under the cement canopy. I didn't care that the rain soaked us or that anyone could see us.

"I don't want to go in," Bella warned me in a whisper. "This is close enough."

"That's okay. You have no idea how happy I am you're here," I murmured. "I missed you."

I could feel Bella smile against my jacket as she shivered in my arms.

"I am so proud of you," I whispered.

Bella beamed as she lifted her head to face me.

"That means a lot," she said. "I missed you too. And I'm glad you're happy I'm here. It makes the feeling I need to vomit totally worth it." She chuckled nervously.

I let out a chuckle of my own before gently grabbing her chin so I could kiss her.

It was brief but genuine. And when I pulled away I noticed how a few people had stopped in their tracks. But I refused to let that bother me.

"Edward." She sighed. "Let's go home."

I nodded.

_Home._

* * *

**This chapter made Bella and Edward go back to basics and allowed them some personal growth/progress. I thought they (and all of us) could use something a little more calm after all the drama.**

**I will post an outtake of their Valentine's Day (briefly mentioned here) around Feb 14, just for fun.**

**Speaking of Valentine's Day - it's a month away but I am participating in a VD-Countdown, check the details here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7728398/1/Countdown_to_Valentines_Day_2012_Risque_VDay**

**In other exciting news, the lovely Kellyprovence from TwiFicCentral has interviewed me for Bring On The Wonder. Check it here: twificcentral(dot)com/2012/01/spotlight/spotlight-interview-bronzehyperion/**

**As always, thanks for all the love, props, support and reading. It still amazes me!**

**Happy weekend!**


	48. Status Quo Ante

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 46: STATUS QUO ANTE**

_The way things were before_

I tried to control my shaking hands but it was fucking impossible. What was I thinking?

How was this a good idea?

And weren't steady breaths supposed to make me feel better? But in spite of all the oxygen I pushed into my lungs, I felt like I was still suffocating.

I was going to do this. I was going to take a baby step.

I was going to meet Edward at St. Joseph.

I forced another round of air into my lungs, hoping it would calm my hammering heart but it was pointless. I wanted to claw at my skin, to rip away the nerves that showed themselves in the form of goose bumps on my skin.

I was going to be in the vicinity of a church. I was going to set foot on holy ground.

And there would be memories that would undoubtedly force themselves into the forefront of my mind.

I had no doubt that St. Joseph would trigger them. The reminders, the images from a time I didn't want to remember. In truth, I feared that consequence the most. If I ever worried about suffocation, not being able to breathe, it should be the moment I'd find myself in front of that church.

It was a potential mental breakdown in the making and I couldn't afford to spiral out of control in a place that was important to Edward.

It was bad enough to know that there would be people there; churchgoers who'd be able sense I didn't belong in their religious inner circle.

If I embarrassed Edward with my presence, it would defeat the entire purpose of taking this step.

And seriously, I wanted nothing more but face my fears and make Edward happy. Prove I could change for him. But it wasn't easy.

No, not easy at all.

I tried to focus on anything but my own thoughts but the shaking of my hands and the swirling of nerves in my stomach made it nearly impossible to stay calm.

"Are you okay?"

I looked up, my unfocused eyes meeting my best friend's who looked sympathetic as always. Angela had been kind enough to come and pick me up with Ben and drop me off at St. Joseph, using her free Sunday to accommodate my needs. She did it without complaining, eye rolling or wanting anything in return.

She was a fucking saint.

"Yes," I managed to choke out which caused my friend to raise her eyes in disbelief.

"Oh, really? Because you look like you're about to vomit," Angela teased. I knew she was only trying to distract me with that.

"Please don't," Ben chimed in. "I like my car vomit-free. I even have a sticker somewhere that says 'Barf-free since '03'."

He chuckled at his own joke, and Angela giggled with him.

"I'll try to keep it in." I frowned, which caused him to smirk at me through the rear-view mirror.

"Thanks. My leather seats appreciate it."

Now they both laughed and while the nicer part of me should be pleased they looked so happy, the part of me that actually felt like throwing up was annoyed by their behavior.

"I get it; my shot nerves and weak stomach are a joke to you." I grumbled.

"Sorry, Bella," Angela said sheepishly. "But at least we got your mind off it for a bit."

She had a point there.

"What's the deal with you and churches anyway?" Ben asked curiously. "I mean, I'm not a fan either but you seem petrified."

I was well aware that he was just curious and meant no harm in asking but his question killed any distraction Angela and he had provided just seconds before. The worries pushed their way back, fighting to determine which one could dominate my thoughts for the moment.

And so I couldn't bring myself to answer without sounding like a bitch.

"That's none of your fucking business," I hissed, which earned me a stern look from Angela and an apologetic smile from Ben.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"That's okay, I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to make you feel bad or pry or anything. But you look like you're about to have a panic attack, and yet you still want to go through with this."

"I have to," I said. "For Edward."

"Do you?" Angela wondered. "Bella, I admire that you're trying but maybe you're not ready for this."

They were both right. I wasn't ready. But I doubted I ever would be anyway. And the easiest thing to do was to remain in the status quo of things. To ignore these particular fears and never deal with them.

But church was a huge part of Edward's life. And because he changed things for me, I owed it to him, and to our relationship, to try to do the same.

So there was no choice but to put on my big girl pants and get on with it.

Edward's forlorn expression when he'd left for mass this morning burned behind my eyes. There was something brewing within him too. I wished I could have simply joined him without sweaty palms and a mind half-fried with fears from the past.

But that was a step too far. Instead I had given him a long hug and a lingering kiss that would hopefully remain with him all morning.

I honestly hadn't decided on going until he'd left and I'd had time to think. Time to convince myself that it was just a church. A stone building that stood there. I didn't – and wouldn't - have to go inside, so really what was the big deal?

Baby steps. That's what Doctor Eleazar had said. And Edward too.

I just had to be brave. And maybe there was still a little bravery inside me because eventually I had picked up the phone to call Angela and ask if she'd be able to give me a ride.

"We're here." Angela's soft voice announced.

I looked at the white building that seemed to reach as far as the dark grey sky. It was quite intimidating.

"Fucking great," I muttered.

"We could wait," Angela suggested as Ben parked the car against the curb. "You could stay inside the car until Edward comes out."

I shook my head. "No, thank you. I have to do this alone."

"Are you sure? It's raining."

I nodded. It wouldn't count if they stayed with me.

I was a big girl. Wearing my big girl pants. I'd seen and done things far worse than getting out of this car and wait for Edward to come out of the white stone building. Of course, my stomach disagreed and considered this to be a very big fucking deal.

"I'm sure. Thanks for the ride," I said, sounding almost robotic as my mind was bracing itself for the whirlwind of emotions that would overcome me when I got out.

I opened the door, placing one chuck-cladded foot on the wet pavement, and then another one. I pushed myself out of the seat and stood there instantly getting assaulted by raindrops and the rumble of thunder in the distance.

Fantastic. Perfectly dramatic weather for a perfectly dramatic moment.

I closed the door and gave Angela and Ben a nod before they drove off.

My eyes searched for the entrance of St. Joseph and I felt instant relief when I spotted Edward standing under the cement canopy.

He didn't see me because he was too busy pointing at a piece of paper that the woman next to him was holding. His stance was a little defensive though, he leaned away from her and the frown on his face didn't escape me.

I took a deep breath and walked up to him.

"There you are," I said as cheerfully and loud as I could, without sounding insincere.

I felt a little victorious. I was standing here and so far no demons had come to attack me, and with only one person outside, apart from Edward, there were no judging crowds either.

Not that it would have mattered anyway because all I saw was him. He looked uncomfortable but the moment our eyes met, I noticed an instant change in his demeanor.

His lips curled into a smile.

That was my reward and made it all worth it. The anxiety, the fear, the rain and cold, it all didn't matter. I was standing there for a reason, a goal. I was doing this for him. And it seemed a little silly to have feared this. To worry about the monsters from the past and the stink-eyes I might have received.

Edward was standing there, smiling.

He was happy to see me.

A part of me wished I'd gotten over myself sooner. This wasn't like Italy, like_ him _and his dirty demands in inappropriate places. This was downtown Seattle. This was Edward, whose face was lit up in the most glorious fucking way.

"Bella," Edward called out to me softly, and he was smiling pretty big. "You came."

The way his eyes were shining and the smile that graced his gorgeous face… I couldn't help but be a tad amused and couldn't resist smiling in return.

That sparked him to move toward me.

"I don't want to go in," I warned him in a whisper as soon as he was near me. "This is close enough."

"That's okay. You have no idea how happy I am you're here," he murmured, which made me feel warm and mushy inside. "I missed you."

I practically threw myself into his arms, reveling in the warmth that prevented me from shivering against the wetness of the leather of his jacket.

"I am so proud of you," Edward whispered.

I couldn't help but beam as I lifted my head to face him.

"That means a lot," I said and I meant it. "I missed you too. And I'm glad you're happy I'm here. It makes the feeling I need to vomit totally worth it." I chuckled nervously.

He let out a chuckle too before gently grabbing my chin and pressing his lips to mine.

It was brief but genuine and definitely very welcome.

When I pulled away, I noticed how a few people that had come outside had stopped in their tracks to stare at us.

They looked judgmental, or at least to me they did. I wanted to snark or comment but figured it was better to bite my tongue. I had expected this; the looks, the disapproval. But it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. Being here with Edward made it all better.

Easier somehow.

Still, that didn't mean I wanted to stay.

"Edward." I sighed. "Let's go home."

He took one look over his shoulder before he grabbed my hand and we took off running to the nearest bus stop.

* * *

"So, tell me how your week was."

"Fine."

"Communication, Bella. We've talked about this."

Doctor Carmen was looking at me expectantly as she toyed with the pen she used to write down the messed up details of my life.

"Well?" She pushed sternly.

She was doing that a lot in our sessions lately: pushing me. Unlike before, when she would let things be if I didn't want to talk about them, she now bugged me until I eventually caved.

And sadly, her trick worked. She would nag on until I'd get pissed and would start to talk out of sheer frustration, just to get her to shut up.

She was fucking clever that way.

"I worked, spent time with family and friends, overall it wasn't bad."

"I take it things with Edward are still going well? Did you do something nice for Valentine's Day?"

"He took me to the Botanical Gardens in Bellevue; there was a winter picnic there," I said, a smile ghosting on my lips as I thought of how Edward had surprised me on Valentine's Day.

"That sounds lovely."

"So yeah, we're doing well," I told her in earnest and I could barely keep the smile off my face since we were really doing pretty amazing. I was now happy I'd taken that giant baby step to meet him outside of St. Joseph because it had made Edward happy.

And although I wasn't going to do it every week, I did agree with Edward to find ways to face those fears I had about churches. One way was to talk to a professional.

In other words; talk to Doctor Carmen.

But that was one bridge too far. If I had to talk about my fear of churches, I had to talk about the "why" and that was one thing I wasn't going to allow the good doctor to trick me into.

"That's good. Overall you've made a lot of progress," Doctor Carmen started with a smile.

But it wasn't a cheerful "you're doing so well" kind of smile.

…I could feel a "but" coming.

"But?"

Hey, if Doctor Carmen was going to say it anyway, I might as well beat her to it.

"_But_ there are still issues to tackle."

I remained silent. She could tackle all she wanted but she couldn't make me fall into those pits of darkness until I was ready and believed there was light on the other side.

"I want to know more about your past," she deadpanned, when I didn't give a response.

Of course she did. It was her fucking job to want that; to depict whatever trauma rampaged inside me, so she could analyze that shit.

But I didn't want to have a chat-fest about a time I desperately wanted to forget. I didn't want to get to the core of things with Doctor Carmen, knowing that was exactly what she fucking wanted. There was nothing she could do to make me feel better about that anyway. No way to fix the past.

I was all for taking baby steps to make Edward happy and maybe get over some of my issues or make them easier to deal with but I refused to fucking accommodate Doctor Carmen's professional perversion to "crack me".

"Not much to tell," I tried casually.

"Well, Bella, I'm afraid I have to disagree when you say that there's not much to tell," Doctor Carmen started.

I rolled my eyes but she didn't see that, as she browsed through some of her notes.

"Lately, we've been very focused on your new job and Edward. We've also been preparing for your court hearing. Since the latter has been resolved, I want to get back to the core of things. The source of some of your issues. A while back you mentioned something about being punished a lot when you were younger, I'd like to get back to that."

"Fine," I huffed. "There may be things to tell, I just don't want to share."

Maybe honesty would get her to drop it sooner.

"Because the last time we touched upon this, it really upset you," Doctor Carmen guessed.

I sighed deeply. She was not going to let this go. She never fucking knew how to take a hint.

"I don't want to talk about it," I tried again, angrier this time. Seriously, was I speaking in a fucking different language or what?

My decline was to no fucking avail though. She was like a vampire smelling blood. Completely convinced that she had touched a sore spot, which of course she had. She wouldn't stop until I started talking.

Get me pissed until I'd spill. Her favorite tactic.

But I wouldn't. Not about this. Not yet.

"You know, Bella, I understand and respect that certain subjects make you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps to the extreme even. But it's often those subjects, things we fear, things we don't want to face, that hold the key to letting them go…

"To be free of whatever impact those events have had on us in the past. Only then we can truly move on."

I wanted to snort at her textbook shrink answer. But textbook answer or not, she was obviously right. But sharing the tale of "The Horrific Past Life of Bella Swan" wasn't something I was ready for.

"I don't want to drag it out of you, Bella," Doctor Carmen started again.

"Of course you do," I interrupted her. "That's what you do, right? Dissect me until you find out what's wrong with me. And once you figure me out, you'll give yourself a nice pat on the back before you leave me with the broken pieces."

"Is that what you believe? That you are a puzzle I want to crack. That it's some form of self-satisfaction for me?"

"Yes."

"You're wrong about that. I genuinely want to help you. We have covered a lot and I am happy you have come such a long way already but if there's something in your past that is holding you back from reaching your full potential, then you're selling yourself short, Bella. This is not about me, this is about you."

Another one of those classic tactics. It was all about me. My recovery. My future.

Such bull shit coming from someone like her. Someone who used these types of speeches with every patient.

"Do I really have to say it a third time? I don't want to talk about it."

"Very well, let's forget that for now. But do realize, I will get back to this at some point."

"Whatever." I shrugged.

She ignored that. "Why don't we play a word association game?"

I frowned, confused about her proposal.

"O...kay. What is that?"

"Well, I say a word and you respond with the first word that comes to mind."

I nodded.

"Alright, let's start with a simple one: Love."

That one was easy. "Edward."

"Home."

Still easy.

"Edward."

"Future."

I was getting repetitive.

"Edward."

"Safe."

Again, same answer.

"Edward."

I thought she would stop me, but she didn't. Though that little crease between her eyes did tell me that she probably wasn't happy with my answers. Tough for her, because they were true.

"Fear."

Okay, a bad word. I feared plenty of things, so which one to pick. What did I fear the most?

Well… _him_, obviously. But I wasn't going to say his name. No fucking way.

"Bella?"

"Pass."

"You can't pass. I want you to tell me what you associate the word 'fear' with."

I huffed.

"Church," I muttered. That was already giving her too much.

Doctor Carmen didn't say a word. She just stopped writing and put her pen down. I expected her to jump on my answer but to my surprise she didn't.

"One more word, okay?" she said instead.

I nodded as I focused on keeping my heart steady. I knew what she was doing with this seemingly easy game. Doctor Carmen was dragging me from behind the safety of my carefully drawn up walls.

"Past."

Once again, the name burned on the tip of my tongue but if I gave her the name, she would press on and I couldn't handle a mental breakdown right now.

One more deep breath.

"Fear."

"Alright, thank you for those answers. Now I'm sure you're not surprised that I want to analyze them. Since that's what I do, after all," she said dryly.

I rolled my eyes. Of course she was going to analyze this and then some. She could pretend this was all about being professional but I had no doubt she got a secret kick out of figuring people out.

Doctor Carmen didn't wait for my approval. "You mention Edward a lot. He represents positivity to you. And love, home, safety," she read from her notes.

I nodded, since it was true.

"Now, while I am happy you feel those things around him, it also tells me that perhaps you've become too dependent on him. It worries me a bit, to be honest."

"What does that mean?" I asked wryly.

"You can love other people, feel safe around other people. It doesn't have to be limited to Edward."

I rolled my eyes. She was so wrong. As long as I had Edward, everything would be fine. More than fine. I wouldn't need anyone else.

"You don't agree with me," she deduced.

"Edward is my boyfriend. Of course I feel all those things around him. It would be weird if I didn't," I pointed out.

"That's true. And trust me, plenty of people associate concepts like love, home and safety with people in their life, whether it's romantic or through friendships or family ties."

"Then why are you worried?" I muttered. "If it's a normal answer."

"Most people don't name one person in association to all these words."

"So what, I failed the test?" I said bitterly. "You should be pleased, it gives you more to analyze."

"Bella, I'm not saying you gave the wrong answers. There are no wrong answers to this test. However, your answers tell me you look for a certain safety in Edward. You associate few of the most important things in life with him."

"So? I love him."

"Yes, I have no doubt you do. And yet it also seems you depend on him…

"But what if Edward – God forbid – would ever fall away? It would mean you'd have none of that left.

"Now tell me; how would you feel about that?"

* * *

I fucking hated Doctor Carmen. So fucking much.

How dare she. How fucking dare she demean my relationship with Edward like that?

After my session - which I had left without a proper goodbye to Doctor Carmen because I was so pissed - I sat on the bus to work, contemplating her words, which I probably hated most of all. Because they were true.

_"…what if Edward – God forbid – would ever fall away? It would mean you'd have none of that left. Now tell me; how would you feel about that?"_

She'd had the nerve to ask me how I'd feel about losing Edward.

Edward, my love, my home. The one who represented my safety.

Edward, my life.

It was upsetting enough for me to forget that she had tried to push me about talking about the past.

Once she'd dropped that, she'd done something worse.

She had cruelly, but effectively and accurately, pointed out something I'd probably known subconsciously but had never wanted to reach deep enough to admit.

I was depending on Edward with all my fucking might.

I could pretend to know how to take care of myself; I had a job, a steady financial situation that ensured I could contribute to our household. We were equals in that department.

But emotionally that was a lie. I was a mess. I wasn't above denying that. I just never looked at my feelings as something negative.

Yes, I loved Edward. And yes, I associated him with all the key words that Doctor Carmen had spoken.

Love. Home. Safety.

I had failed to see how that was a bad thing before, but Doctor Carmen had managed to plant a bad seed. Now there was a fresh wave of worries that crashed against my fucking skull in a perfect rhythm with the bus hurtling past buildings and sidewalks.

I was too dependent. On Edward. Maybe some other people as well – like Angela and her sainthood - but mostly and most importantly, I was dependent on Edward.

In unhealthy ways, judging from Doctor Carmen's disapproval during our session.

I tried to focus on my breathing, on my surroundings. I looked out the window to find something to concentrate on, so that an all consuming panic wouldn't completely cripple me.

I listened to the guy chatting on his cell phone in the seat behind me, hoping his mundane trivial chat about whatever would provide a distraction.

But my attempts were futile and stupid, and the planted seed grew with every drawn breath. With every second that passed, I fed Doctor Carmen's theory. It was impossible to stop.

I depended on Edward. But what if he fell away? What if something happened to him? What if he didn't want me anymore?

I shuddered and willed the panic away. But nothing happened. The chokehold remained.

If Edward wouldn't be in my life, I would have no one. I'd be alone again.

Now, that wasn't exactly what scared me. I'd done that before. I knew how to survive.

But having Edward in my life and loving him had taught me how to be alive and without him my life would be meaningless.

And according to Doctor Carmen, that was a bad thing because it made me incredibly dependent on an emotional level.

A part of me – the part that rolled her eyes at Doctor Carmen a-fucking lot - didn't see the big deal. So what if Edward was my life? That wasn't a bad thing. I was pretty convinced he felt the same. I loved him so much, so of course he would be_ that_ important to me.

But the more rational part, the part that had no trouble dissecting the textbook answers Doctor Carmen used on me and recognized the purpose, was well aware that our relationship, despite the fact we undoubtedly loved each other, didn't necessarily have an entirely healthy foundation.

And deep down inside, I was well aware of how I associated Edward's presence in my life with a life-line. He kept me here, _in the now_, as demons of my past battled for my sanity daily. Without him as a friend, as a buddy in the Redemption Program, as someone who loved me unconditionally, I probably would have gone off the deep end, since I'd been well on my way there when we'd met.

Edward had dealt with so much of my crap since we'd met and had gotten together. Our relationship was at least partially built on that pile of crap and it was only a matter of time until the crap started to crumble and then the entire foundation would grow crooked.

And then what? Then we'd be left with a fucking mess that wouldn't be so easy to repair.

I continued mulling things over and over until my stop came in sight and I needed to exit the bus.

Once outside, the cool air hit me and it was a welcome relief to the stuffiness that had tainted the atmosphere inside of the moving vehicle.

I knew I had to talk to Edward about this. We needed to tackle this before it would start to affect the good thing we had going. The idea of talking to him and figuring this out together calmed me a little.

As if on cue, my phone started ringing and even before I pulled it out, I knew who was calling me.

My lips curled into a smile as my display lit up, his name like an angel's halo.

_Edward._

"Hey you," I answered softly.

"Hi there. I know you're at work or almost there but I just wanted to call you to make sure you are alright."

I frowned. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because you hate going to Doctor Carmen's sessions," he pointed out softly.

He knew me so well.

I crossed the street and halted in front of the bakery where I noticed Gianna was standing behind the counter, gesturing wildly to someone. As soon as her eyes spotted me, she gave me a small wave before going back to her very animated discussion.

"It went fine, I guess."

"That doesn't sound very encouraging."

Again, it was like he could reach straight through the phone to sense my mood.

"I bet you're scowling just thinking about it." He chuckled.

"Maybe I am. Look, I need to get to work. Can we talk about this tonight?"

"That's fine. Though I might be a little late for dinner; Emmett is taking me to a car dealership."

Right. Emmett had offered to help his brother find a car.

Edward wanted to get one while I really didn't see the point. For one, Seattle was not an easy place to drive. Also, Edward and I used public transportation to get by most of the time, and occasionally we'd catch a ride from friends or family.

But that was exactly why Edward had insisted we get a car. He wasn't looking for anything fancy or expensive, just something that would make us _less dependent._

The irony.

"Bella?"

"I heard you. Well, I'll see you tonight then," I said. "Love you."

"I love you too. Bye!"

I waited for the sound that would tell me he'd hung up but there was nothing. Just his soft breathing in sync with mine.

"I'm not going to play the hang-up game, Edward," I chided him teasingly.

"Hang up then," he challenged me. I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Fine," I said daringly. "I will."

I waited a few seconds, until Edward spoke up.

"Bella?" He smiled.

"Yes, I'm still here. But I really have to get inside now."

"Alright. Have a good day."

"You too."

I closed my phone and went inside where Gianna was having a rather loud discussion with Giuseppe, one of our regular customers.

The man was recently retired and it was pretty obvious he mostly came here to flirt with Gianna.

"Ah, Bella. You are just in time to settle our discussion," Gianna called me over. "Giuseppe here says that a homemade pizza is better than homemade lasagna."

"Nothing can compare to pizza," he huffed and before I had a chance to speak my mind and get caught in the middle, they had already continued arguing.

I chuckled at their banter as I went to get my apron and check the list of orders Maggie had left for the day.

Since Gianna was helping the customers, I started with making a batch of red velvet cupcakes; an order that was listed for pick-up by one of our regular customers around lunch time.

I methodically worked through the list, feeling myself get calmer as I let the routine control my mind.

I only broke out of my concentration when Gianna came into the kitchen, muttering and complaining about her verbal sparring partner.

"That man is _pazzo!"_ She muttered. "Choosing pizza over lasagna. _Mamma Mia_…"

I laughed at her outburst and had a hard time biting my tongue. I knew that while Gianna was tough, you could tell her anything. She was a fair person who could dish it out but also take it.

"What's so funny, Bella?"

"If you want to make a point, perhaps you should let him try yours," I said coyly.

"You mean… invite him over for dinner?" she asked skeptically.

"That would be the perfect way to do it." I winked.

"You are _pazzo_ too!" she murmured but it wasn't an unpleasant comment.

"The way to a man's heart," I started.

"_Si, si_… is through his stomach. I know." She smiled. "Is that how you won your Edward?"

I chuckled as I thought of the first time I made him dinner and how he'd hated my spinach salad.

"No, actually… I don't think I did."

* * *

When I arrived home, Edward wasn't there yet and so I busied myself with making a light supper, consisting of a green been salad, homemade meatballs and a classic potato gratin. Once I was done, I placed the salad in the refrigerator and the meatballs and potato gratin in the microwave where they could be reheated as soon as Edward came home.

I decided to pass the time by watching some TV.

Yes, we had a TV now. A brand new flat screen because the old thing I'd had in my old apartment had not survived the move. Plus, Emmett had insisted that a flatscreen was necessary to have optimal viewing pleasure. Anyway, the TV was another one of those things the Cullen brothers had picked out together, because Edward simply needed his older brother's technical expertise much like he did with buying a car.

I flipped through the channels, but nothing could hold my interest. The Food Network was playing repeats and the news was just so dreary.

Without the real distraction of TV, I had time to think. My eyes wandered around the apartment I once classified as pristine, mundane and boring.

Now it was filled with colors and sounds. A different lifestyle.

For me, but even more so for Edward.

He had changed a lot. And all these changes in his life, they were mostly benefiting me. He had asked me to move in and I had taken over space in his once pure pristine apartment. I'd added my style and personality and now Edward was stuck with my shit. Both material and emotionally.

Pure, good Edward, who had never cared about materialistic things like TVs and cars and emotional things like romantic getaways and _sex, _was embracing them now.

For me.

And what had I offered him in return? One lazy visit to a church. I hadn't even gone near it.

And I hadn't followed through with my promise to talk to Doctor Carmen about it either.

Edward was doing this for me. He was giving up one future to have another one with me instead. Unselfishly because he loved me.

And there was that dependency thing Doctor Carmen had talked about again.

Edward changed because he loved me. I barely changed at all. Not on my own accord anyway. Doctor Carmen said I'd made progress. But really, had I?

I'd gotten my job thanks to Edward, at least indirectly. The roof over my head; Edward. The fact I was off the streets living a respectable life; Edward.

His changes were chosen, chosen so he could be with me. My changes were because he had made them possible.

And while that didn't diminish the fact I loved Edward, it did emphasize the unequal foundation on which our relationship was built.

I had to change because I loved him. Battle the monsters because I loved him. Be unselfish instead of allowing Edward to try and fix me. I had to fix myself.

One lousy visit to stand a few feet away from a church wasn't enough. It was a start, but not enough.

I had to do so much better. Better for myself, better for Edward.

"Hmm, you have your deep thinking face on."

_Edward._

I had been so lost in thought I hadn't even heard him come in.

I got up and as soon as our eyes met my face split into a grin.

"You're home," I beamed and practically threw myself into his arms.

"Wow, I like this kind of welcome," Edward murmured as he wrapped his arms around me tightly and placed a small kiss in the crook of my neck.

"I missed you." I shrugged as I let him go so he could take off his coat.

"Duly noted." Edward grinned as he put his things away.

"So, did you find a car?" I asked curiously.

"As a matter of fact, I did," Edward said.

"Well… don't leave me hanging. What did you get?"

"Well, Emmett insisted on a jeep but I thought a Volvo would be more appropriate."

I frowned. A Volvo. Charlie had once owned an old Volvo, though he never drove it because he had a police cruiser.

"You don't like it," Edward said, looking at me intently.

But who was I to judge about a freaking car. I didn't even really agree we needed one. And the past was the past.

"No, no... it's fine," I rushed to say. "It's just a car. I uh… Charlie had one. It sat in our front yard. I remember it had this rusty color," I explained and oddly it wasn't that painful.

Edward frowned and brushed some hair out of my face.

"I could change it. Get something else. They have BMWs too," he mused.

I shook my head. "No, please don't. I know very little about cars. So really, it doesn't matter. And I never rode in it anyway, so no bad memories."

"Are you sure?" Edward tried again, leaning in to press his lips to my forehead.

"Yes. Besides, aren't Volvos supposed to be really safe?" I asked, hoping to distract him.

Edward nodded and his smile re-appeared. "According to the dealer, they are. Plus, they are easy to drive so as soon as you get a new license you can use it to get to the bakery."

I did have a license because despite the fact Aro had always made sure I was chauffeured everywhere he had also allowed me to get my driver's license, though I'd never understood why.

Anyway, it was probably expired now.

I still wasn't sure about driving though. It had been a long time and I had never driven often.

I looked at Edward and he was smiling so big, like he had just come up with a master plan and it was so adorable to see him this confident and this fucking sweet, but the thought that he had only gotten a car to – once again - meet _my_ needs, sort of bothered me and it brought on all the other things I'd been worrying about since before he came home.

So of course, like the bitch I sometimes was, I had to ruin it.

"Why would I drive the car to work? It's not even possible to park there," I said more snarkily than I should have.

Edward wisely ignored that. "There's a parking lot right across the corner. Also, I think Maggie and Gianna park out back. It would be so much easier for you than to take the bus every day."

"What about you?"

"I can ride my bike. There wouldn't be any point in driving a car to school, since it's only fifteen minutes away. Plus, there really isn't a of lot parking space close by so I'd always end up walking the time I now take to go back and forth on my bike," Edward explained as he walked into the kitchen.

"Edward, I don't know if I'd feel comfortable driving a car every day. It's not… my car," I called after him.

He emerged from the kitchen with a bottle of water and proceeded to sit on the sofa. He took a large swig before speaking again.

"Of course it's your car. It's our car. But since I don't need it most of the time and you spend over forty-five minutes commuting to work, it's only practical if you use it."

Of course he was right. He was always right about these things. Ever so practical and sensible.

But I didn't feel comfortable with his suggestion.

"Why are we getting a car anyway? Aren't we doing fine with the way we travel now?" I argued.

"Bella, we depend on family and friends to pick us up and drop us off. And public transportation is not ideal and certainly not safe…"

"Says the guy who travels by bike all the time. As if that's safe in a city like Seattle," I interrupted.

"Maybe not, but sitting on a bus isn't very safe either. Look, I think we need a car. If you don't want to use it, we'll use it during the weekend and such. It really would make it easier for us to travel to places."

Before I could open my mouth, Edward held up his hand. "I know this is about money. You're being squeamish about that again. But remember; what's mine is yours and all that. Besides you make money and you contribute to our home."

_Our home_. It sounded so nice. But frankly it only underlined what a failure I was. I could pay for a bunch of groceries or maybe lunch on occasion. But all the real expenses: rent, electricity, insurance, all of that, Edward was paying.

Another one of those dependency issues. The way Edward paid for everything.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. And what's mine is a bunch of crap from my past. I have nothing to offer you," I muttered. "I barely contribute. You're not supposed to use your trust fund and your scholarship on cars and TVs. You shouldn't even have to buy them at all," I huffed in frustration.

"And why is that?" Edward asked curiously.

"You never had a car or a TV before. You only got one because of me," I pointed out.

Edward put his bottle of water away and padded on the spot next to him.

"Come sit."

I did what he asked and as soon as I was seated next to him, he grabbed my hands, rubbing gentle circles on my knuckles. "What is really going on?"

"Nothing, I just don't like how you pay for everything and I can't do the same."

I sounded like a petulant whiny kid but really that was only one of the many things I was currently overanalyzing.

"Bella, please don't tell me this is about money again. You know that that has nothing to do with our relationship."

"But it does," I argued. "Every time you pay for something like this, I feel inadequate."

Edward sighed deeply and I could tell he was trying to keep his patience. "You're not inadequate. Money doesn't define you. Or me. This isn't about who has what and how much."

"Why did you buy a TV?" I asked.

"Well, because it provides entertainment."

"You never cared about entertainment before," I pointed out. "Before you met me you didn't watch any TV."

"Things have changed. I never had time to watch and now I do and it's a nice way to pass the time with you…

"Especially when we make out," he teased.

I rolled my eyes. "You don't really care about the TV except for the part where we can make out with something playing in the background?"

"No, you love the cooking channels and they have very interesting documentaries so it's not just that. But it's the best part." He winked before leaning in to steal a kiss to emphasize his point.

When he pulled away, I wanted to open my mouth and protest but Edward beat me to it again. "Look, Bella, I never watched TV because I was focused on different things. I never really paid much attention to it. I didn't know what I was missing. I didn't just do this for you; I did this because I wanted to. It's the same thing with the car. I didn't buy these material things to prove my wealth or accommodate you; I did it because I wanted to."

"Why?" I asked curiously.

"Because it's normal. Because people watch TV, drive cars. They aren't shielded away from the world like I've been all this time. I just want to be normal and this is a part of that."

I was surprised to see him so fierce and I realized that I wasn't the only one with worries and over-analyzing thoughts.

"You are normal. Or maybe you're not… maybe you're special but in a good way. Please don't ever think you need to be something that you don't want to be," I said.

"But I do, Bella. I do want to be."

"Again _why_?"

"Because I can't be that boy anymore. That boy that was a part of a congregation. That boy who wanted to be a priest. And if I want to be with you – and I do, so much - then I have to let that go."

I frowned. I knew it was inevitable for him to change, just like it was inevitable for me. But where I had to fight demons, he had to give up an entire way of living. Like there was no compromise. Somehow that didn't feel right.

"Edward, you don't have to change for me. I don't want you to."

He shook his head. "It doesn't work like that anymore, Bella. You know, when I was at church the other day, when you came to meet me there, I noticed how these people behaved, how they looked at me. I believe you once called me a Golden Boy. They used to treat me like that. But now they look at me like I'm the prodigal son. I don't want to be part of a congregation that gossips and judges. That's not what church and sharing a religion should be about."

"That's not your fault though. They have a problem with me," I said.

"Perhaps so, although most of them don't even know you. Maybe they've heard of you but that's about it. They judge because I can't be what they want me to be. I'm an outcast in the place I once called my spiritual home."

He looked sad and my heart broke a little. I didn't want to be the cause of this. I never wanted to make Edward feel bad. Nor did I want to be the reason for him to have to change something he might not what to change.

"That's my fault. Because you met me."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. I'm a grown man and I made my own bed. Believe me when I say, I am more than willing to lie in it," he said. "See, that's the thing; I chose this. I want to be different from who I was before. I want to be everything I can be for you."

He sounded fierce and glorious. He didn't depend on me to change him; he changed because he loved me. I should do the same.

"But I also want to be religious. My faith is part of who I am. I can't and won't change that."

"I don't expect you to," I hurried to say. "I know we don't have the same values in terms of that but I do respect it and admire how you feel about your faith."

"Well, I am not sure how to let the two co-exist," Edward admitted pensively. "For so long my life revolved around my faith. I was going to build my future on it. And now that's all wide open…" he trailed off.

"And that scares you?" I asked, as I touched his cheek.

Edward looked at me and frowned, a little V forming between his eyebrows.

"No. It's not so much scary as it is confusing. It's difficult to connect all the pieces. I know what I want; who I want. _You_. But all the other things… it's hard to figure out." He admitted. "How do I build my future now that everything's changed? It's not that I don't want to, I just don't know how."

"And figuring all of that out isn't easy when you always have to deal with my shi-stuff," I deadpanned.

Edward flashed me a sweet smile. "I like dealing with your stuff. I love you and want to support you."

I returned his smile and let my fingers linger on the stubble of his jaw. "But I should do the same. My issues take up too much of your time. Time you need to make the changes you want to make. Do what you want to do," I murmured, as I thought of my own words. "I need to support you too."

"What are you getting at?" Edward asked curiously.

"Well, maybe we need time to grow or change or whatever," I suggested. "You can't always fix things for me, not when you're supposed to focus on your own future."

"But you are my future," Edward said.

I smiled.

"You're my future too."

"But?"

"Well, I spoke to Doctor Carmen..."

"And?" Edward looked worried now.

"It's nothing bad," I assured him, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "At least, nothing we can't talk about."

"Okay…" Edward said, looking a bit confused now but then something seemed to click. "Is this about what you said this morning? On the phone?"

I nodded. "Doctor Carmen wanted to know things about my past," I started to explain. "I told her I didn't want to talk about it."

Edward sighed. "I thought we agreed you would try. That you would confide in her."

"I know, but I just couldn't. It's hard enough as it is to allow her glimpses into the things I can share."

"I know, I know," Edward said quickly. "I just want you to have someone to talk to."

"I have you," I said.

Of course that was also the problem. I relied on him way too much.

"But you're right. I should get over myself and talk to her," I added.

"You do have me and I will always be here for you. If you don't want to talk to Doctor Carmen about your past just yet, then don't," Edward said. "Anyway, back on-topic. What was it that hit a nerve with you?"

"Well, she wanted to play a word association game," I explained. "She'd say a word and I'd have to say the first thing that came to mind."

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad."

"It wasn't, except that it basically turns out I depend on you too much."

Edward frowned, evidently confused again. "I'm not sure I get that."

"Well, she used words like 'home', 'safe' and 'love' and well… they all associate with you."

"I still don't quite understand," Edward said softly. "Doctor Carmen thinks you're too dependent because of how you feel about me?"

"Sort of. She even brought up a hypothetical situation where you would leave."

"You know I never would."

He was sincere and completely convinced. There was no doubt in his words and I had no trouble believing him.

But that didn't mean it couldn't happen. Nor that it didn't underline Doctor Carmen's point.

"I know you'd never want to or choose to. Well, not right now at least..."

"Bella, you don't honestly believe I would leave, do you?"

He sounded frustrated and even a bit angry, like I had just said the most awful thing.

"I know that right now you would never even consider it. But situations change, people change. You yourself are tons different than the guy I first met. And we did just have this talk about how you need to figure out what you want from your future."

"Yes, and I told you, you are my future. And now you think I'll leave?" Edward said exasperatedly. "You don't trust me enough to believe I would never leave you?"

"No, I don't think that. But I also know that nothing is set in stone," I said calmly. "My entire life before you was based on that principle."

"Bella, what are you getting at?" Edward asked, still impatient and slightly annoyed.

"I need to learn to depend on you less, mostly emotionally. And you need time to work out what you want with your new life."

"You… aren't breaking up with me, are you?"

I rolled my eyes playfully and leaned in to kiss him. I poured all my love into it, hoping it would convince him I did not, under any circumstances, wanted to break up with him.

"Bella," he gasped. "I love kissing you but please, can't you explain?"

"First, no, I am definitely not breaking up with you. Like I ever could. But I do think Doctor Carmen has a point. Just don't tell her that," I added with a wink. "We aren't equals right now. You are too involved in my issues and I rely on you too much. That may have worked before but not if we want to build a future together."

"Okay, so what do you propose?" Edward asked curiously.

"Well, for one I think I need a new buddy in the Redemption Program. Not because I don't want you to support me, but I'd rather want you to be my boyfriend."

Edward nodded hesitantly. "That seems fair enough."

"It would give you time to focus on school and be less attached to my crap."

"I like being attached to your crap." Edward smiled.

I smiled too. "I think it would be better if we were attached to each other through love not drama."

"That's true. So you find a new buddy in the Program. And I need to do something about my issues with the congregation."

"Like that?" I wondered.

"Maybe it's time I found a new church."

* * *

**Sorry for the delay; sometimes life is a bit evil. I know this is not the most exciting chapter but sometimes they've got to be all chatty about their issues. Think it's called progress ;) We'll get back to the drama soon enough.**

** "Pazzo" means crazy in Italian.**

**Speaking of Valentine's Day - I am participating in a VD-Countdown, check the details here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7728398/1/Countdown_to_Valentines_Day_2012_Risque_VDay**

**As always, thanks for all the love and patience. It's a wonderful thing! Special shout out to Kelly (kelysupeficial) since it's her birthday today! Hope it's a good one :)**

******Reminder: I will post an outtake of Bella and Edward's Valentine's Day on Feb 14, just for fun.**

**Happy week!**


	49. In The Name Of The Father, The Son

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 47: IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON...**

"You're quitting?"

"Yes."

"But why? Things were going so well."

I sighed deeply as I tried to explain to my mother, who had stopped by for coffee, why I was no longer Bella's buddy in the Redemption Program.

Her visit had been an unexpected one. When she visited, she often did so during my free mornings, or on a Saturday afternoon. Before… before Bella, she had done so to (s)mother me a bit; she'd check my refrigerator or bring me a pack of new socks or undershirts she'd bought. I'd get an invite for dinner or my mother would take dirty laundry I was perfectly capable of washing myself, because apparently she'd believed I wasn't able to properly take care of myself and run my own household.

Since Bella had moved in with me, her visits had gotten more sociable and less parental in character.

Tonight was different though. My mother, albeit someone with a busy and active social calendar that often had her preoccupied during the evenings, didn't often visit "for coffee and a chat" as she had put it when I'd found her on the doorstep.

And she also didn't often look on edge. But tonight she did. And her strain, whatever it was about, seemed to multiply by the news about Bella and me "breaking up" professionally, so to speak.

"Bella and I both believe it's no longer in her best interest for me to support her in the Redemption Program. Our personal relationship affects her progress and neither of us wants that," I explained once again.

"But who will support her now?"

"I told you; Bella asked Rosalie to be her buddy and she happily agreed. Now, do you want more coffee?" I asked, hoping to distract my mother. It was a little unnerving to see her focus all her energy on my news.

Maybe coffee wasn't such a good idea.

"But where does Rosalie find the time?" my mother wondered, not entirely ignoring my question as she held out her mug for me to take. "Between teaching and her volunteer work for the church and the community center, it'll be very hard to fit this into her schedule."

"Rosalie is off on Tuesdays, which is when Bella has group therapy. That's really the only event she needs to support Bella in directly. The rest is mostly about being Bella's confidant, which can be done over the phone, or Sunday coffee, brunch, etcetera. You get my point," I explained from the kitchen.

"I still don't see why you can't do that," my mother muttered. "I know you have school, but…"

For a moment I contemplated telling her about my decision to go on my own soul searching journey; the words burning on my tongue as I tried to come up with the right way to tell my mother I was no longer going to be a part of the congregation of St. Joseph but I couldn't even form a sentence before she had already moved on to her next question.

"You and Bella are doing well, aren't you?" my mother wondered. "Where is she tonight?"

"We're doing great; she's spending time with Angela tonight."

"I see. So all is good?"

"Yes," I said with conviction, blushing a little as I thought of how wonderful things were between us. And individually Bella was doing better as well with her lawsuit settled and no random people from her past popping up unexpectedly anymore.

We were closer than ever and physically things were… advancing as well. Of course, thinking of that particular subject tightened my crotch area, forcing me to will down a semi-erection in my mother's presence which was as embarrassing as it was… effective since I deflated almost immediately as I thought of her noticing.

"Speaking of, why are you all by your lonesome tonight, stealing all my coffee away," I stirred the conversation topic back to her, curious about the reason for her visit and the accompanying anxiety. "Is Dad not keeping you company tonight?"

"Your father has been very busy lately."

On the surface the answer sounded thoughtful. But I hadn't missed the eye roll that had followed my mother's answer or the hint of bitterness and sarcasm in her voice.

And if there was one thing my mother never displayed, one emotion of enunciation she never used, it was sarcasm.

But it fit with her mood. It didn't offer me an explanation though.

I knew my dad was a hardworking man but he always made sure he spent enough time with my mother. And she knew that too. So, what had changed?

"Lots of sick people?" I wondered curiously, trying to pry subtly.

My mother let out a deep sigh and shook her head. "No. He mostly seems very much invested in some church issues."

I bit my tongue, ignoring the opening she presented me. All I had to do is start off with something like "Speaking of church…" and then spill out the rest about leaving St. Joseph. But between finding the courage to do just that and the realization this wasn't about me, I never got the chance to decide because my mother started rambling.

"I understand your father wants to spend time dealing with the situation in New Orleans but that's all he ever does nowadays. It's starting to become frustrating that he cares more about what's happening there than he does about his own wife. And I hate to complain but it's very difficult to remain calm and understanding when I barely ever see him anymore."

I didn't quite know what to say. It wasn't often that my mother responded so fiercely to something my father did, although I suspected that ever since she'd left him for a few days around Christmas she'd become less willing to accept his behavior and his endeavors.

In that moment, as I saw her huff and fight her emotions, I realized that this was one of the first times she was truly opening up about their relationship. She was opening up to someone, showing not only a side of herself but also of their marriage that wasn't veiled by the shine of necessary displays of perfection.

"He promised he would try harder and be less focused on St. Joseph but he's still meeting with people every night."

"Every night? Like who?" I asked, still taken aback by her frankness and equally surprised by her answer.

"Well, Father Masen visited a few nights in a row. And then there's these two other men I had never seen before up until a few weeks ago who now frequently stop by. I serve them coffee and all and then I leave them to it. I don't ask questions or anything."

It sounded odd to hear my mother sound so defeated, powerless.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "Maybe you should talk to Dad. Perhaps he's not aware that he's neglecting you."

I felt a little silly for defending him but I did it solely with the purpose of easing my mother's mind, if that was even possible.

"He is deliberately shutting me out," my mother muttered. "I'd say he's aware. It's almost like a secret society they've got going on."

My mother's choice of words was certainly unexpected. "Secret society" sounded so mysterious and full of conspiracy elements.

"You don't know who those men are? And Dad has never told you who they are? Did they even introduce themselves?"

"No, I have served them coffee and they've served me smiles but never have they introduced themselves."

"But you've asked him? Who they are?" I clarified to which she nodded.

"Yes, I have. But your father has neither explained who they are nor made any introductions. Which is suspicious because he never keeps me out of the loop on anything. I mean, he always used to confide in me and now…" she trailed off.

I was shocked. There was this whole element of intrigue that I'd never been aware of. It was unexpected. I knew my father could be a difficult man, but I'd never call him secretive or downright shady.

Until now.

"How long has this been going on?" I wondered, thinking it couldn't be long since she hadn't brought it up earlier.

"A few weeks, I suppose." She sighed. "I just don't know what to think. Maybe this is not just about New Orleans. Maybe there's more."

"More?"

"What if your father is in trouble?"

* * *

"Was that your mother I just saw leaving?" Bella asked as she closed the door behind her, before greeting me with a kiss. One I eagerly accepted and returned.

We both breathed a little heavier when we pulled away.

"Yes, she stopped by for coffee. I suppose she had a free night and didn't want to spend it alone," I explained as I caught my breath by sitting down on the sofa.

Bella peeled off her coat and put it away before joining me. I grabbed the remote and muted the sound. I'd only been watching some sports game to drown out the worry and intrigue of my mother's burning question.

_"What if your father is in trouble?"_

I hadn't even thought about that and didn't know if it was a valid consideration. He was meeting with Father Masen - and two apparent mystery men - frequently and didn't confide in my mother like he'd often do in pressing situations or when worries were weighing on him.

Could he be in trouble or was it all part of the same issues? If so, if this was all about St Joseph and the problems in New Orleans, then why the secrecy? Surely he wouldn't keep church related issues from my mother.

"Did your dad have to work tonight?" Bella asked, pulling me from my reverie.

She'd taken off her shoes and her legs were now curled up under her body.

"Apparently. He's been very busy lately, according to my mother," I muttered.

"Well doctors are busy," Bella pointed out cheekily. "All those darn sick people needing special attention."

I rolled my eyes playfully. "Very clever. But he seems extra busy lately," I explained, slightly puzzled.

"Extra busy? What does that even mean? Like outside the hospital?"

I nodded. "Yes. I told you about that church in New Orleans right, the one having some problems."

Bella's turn to nod. "I thought Father Masen was handling that. He left town a couple of times because of it, right?"

"Yes, but he informed my father as well and my mother believes that most of his preoccupations stem from that particular situation, given the fact Father Masen has stopped by the house quite a few times lately."

"Okay, so that has him busy. It makes sense your mother doesn't like that but she understands, right?"

"Not exactly. Next to Father Masen visiting my father, he's also had these two men over a few times. Men my mother doesn't know and my father won't introduce t-o her."

"Really?" Bella frowned. "That _is_ strange."

I nodded. "And he always tells her everything. I mean, he knows the limits of confidentiality in his line of work but he never keeps my mother in the dark and so now she thinks he might be in some sort of trouble."

"Trouble?" Bella echoed. "That sounds pretty serious. Is she certain that those men aren't simply connected to what's going on in New Orleans?"

"That's what I said but she said my father is acting really odd and the few times she has tried to talk to him, get him to open up, he basically dismissed her concerns, telling her everything is just fine."

"Maybe it is," Bella pointed out. "Maybe he doesn't want to burden her because it's not a big deal."

"If that's the case, then why won't he simply introduce them to her to ease her mind? He tells her everything is alright but his behavior betrays that is not the case."

Bella was thoughtful for a moment, processing my argument. Then after a while she nodded. "Perhaps you have a point. Maybe he is only trying to reassure your mother so she won't worry too much."

Bella then frowned and sighed.

"What is it?"

"I just can't believe I'm defending him." She chuckled wryly.

I flashed her a similar smile, echoing the sentiment.

"I thought the same thing earlier. But then, he might not deserve sympathy or understanding, but my mother does. And if what you say is true, if he doesn't want her to worry, that would indicate he does have something to hide. Which means my mother might have a point in believing my father is in some sort of trouble."

"But what would that be?" Bella mused. "It can't be financial, right? Your father has a good, well paying job. It's doubtful he got fired or something. He's a respected doctor."

I shook my head. "No, I don't think it's that. He wouldn't be able to keep that from my mother. Plus, it wouldn't explain the meetings. My mother even referred to them as 'secret society' meetings."

"That doesn't quite sound like Esme, to be so focused on conspiracy theories. Could it be that your father is... ill? The two men are specialists he is consulting?" Bella's voice sounded soft, careful.

I hadn't even considered that option. For a moment, a fist clenched around my heart, squeezing tightly. I might not always agree with my father but I did love him and didn't want the mystery be something like a horrible disease.

Bella must have seen my expression contort into a painful grimace because she leaned in to hug me. "It's probably not that. I'm just guessing," she whispered as she peppered my hair and face with kisses. "I'm sorry."

I allowed the panic to subside to consider Bella's words and then to push them aside.

"If he was ill he wouldn't keep it from her, I think."

"You know, he might not want to tell your mother whatever he's doing, but perhaps he'd talk to someone else."

"Like who?"

"Like you."

* * *

"So how are you and Rosalie doing?"

I was sitting in one of the plastic chairs in Emmett's office, which was one of those giant container buildings.

The purpose of my visit wasn't just to kill some time since I had a free morning before classes in the afternoon, nor was it solely about having an excuse to drive the newly bought Volvo. Mostly, I wanted to catch up with my brother and try to get his opinion on my father's odd behavior.

As Emmett had finished up a phone call with one of his suppliers I'd chatted briefly with Angela, who'd brought in coffee and then went back to work.

"Good, I guess. I mean, the therapy is not really for me but it's important to Rosie, so I have little choice but to grin and bear it."

"Do you talk about losing the baby?" I enquired, hoping I wasn't stepping out of line with my question.

Emmett shrugged but he didn't seem too bothered by it.

"At first we did, yes. But now Rosie also talks about other things. Like her religion and my well… lack thereof."

"You are Catholic. I wouldn't call that a 'lack thereof'," I pointed out.

"But I'm not as much of a believer as Rosie or you. Speaking of, how do you deal with that?"

"Deal with what?"

"Well," Emmett started. "Bella isn't religious at all from what I've seen. But it doesn't seem to be an issue between the two of you."

I took a sip of coffee, the bitter aftertaste burning in my throat. "I respect Bella's stance and she does mine."

"I wish Rosie would. She thinks I don't go to church often enough."

"Well, you shouldn't be forced if you don't want to go," I said.

"That's the thing, Edward. We grew up around church but it never really did anything for me. And it's all just so hypocritical to me now. I mean look at Dad; the way he treats Bella, the woman you love. If I caught him looking at Rosie like that, with that kind of disdain or talking about her like she was barely worth it, I would have told him to back off in not so polite terms."

"Well, I did tell him. And while I certainly do not appreciate his behavior with Bella, I don't believe he represents religion all together. So if you want to go to church because you believe, don't let your irritation with Dad get in the way. That wouldn't be right," I pointed out.

"But that's the thing," Emmett said. "It's not my irritation with Dad that keeps me away. It's the whole thing; the hypocrisy, the literal 'holier than thou' attitude I see with people."

I knew exactly what he meant and the attitude he described. I'd seen and experienced it for myself in recent months. And while that was forcing me away from St. Joseph, I wasn't about to give up my faith all together.

"So it's not about your faith, it's about people's attitude?" I asked. "Because that should be something you can ignore."

Emmett shook his head. "Not entirely. Look, I've never been as religious as you or Dad. You two have always been the ones heavy on the believing. Mom and I are more moderate. I respect that and am okay with it. I know He exists and I believe in that but it's not like I ever found a great amount of spiritual or other fulfillment in going to church a butt-load of times a week."

"Then why did you always go? Why do you still go?" I wondered, suddenly realizing this could actually be an interesting part of my thesis. My brother was giving me an honest glimpse into the mind of someone who seemed to have an interesting view on religion and Divine guidance that didn't entirely match my own.

"Honestly, I mostly went to appease Dad. I knew it was important to him to present us as a united, faithful, God-loving family and I respected that. Then when Rosalie and I got more serious and her dad – just as religious as ours - believed she needed to marry a clean cut Catholic boy, I prolonged my commitment to an institution I don't believe in as strongly as - for instance - you do."

"So you pretended all of these years? You went to church because Dad wanted you to and later to score points with Rosalie?"

There was no judgment in my voice, just curiosity.

Emmett sighed, playing with his coffee cup. "It's not as black and white as that. It never bothered me to go. I just did. It was built into my system. And it still is. If Rosie wants me to go, I go."

"But you feel nothing?" I asked, surprised and confused that my brother could shrug this off so easily. It was also quite sad to think he didn't find the same level of comfort most followers of God did. The way I did.

"I feel respect. For Him and for people who genuinely believe, though there are few who do."

"What does that mean?" I wondered. "To genuinely believe? When does someone do that?"

My brother pursed his lips. "I don't know. I think you do. You believe genuinely, without judging others, without pointing at people's flaws if they don't believe. You don't pretend to be better than those who don't believe or believe differently. That's impressive. But I believe you are quite unique that way. In St. Joseph's congregation anyway."

I was a little shocked by his assessment because I'd often questioned my perception of the people around me based on my religion. I never tried to judge because I felt that was solely a task of God, but the way Emmett made it seem it was people – good Catholic people – who judged others even if they weren't supposed to. And he was right. I'd seen it myself; I'd bore the brunt of it.

"It's not up to me to judge," I said sheepishly. "Anyway, has your position caused friction between Rosalie and you?"

"I always thought she was a bit more liberal about it. That she could give me the same space I give her. Respect the way I feel about it. Perhaps she did for a while. But now she feels like I don't make enough effort anymore to attend mass and all."

"Which is true," I pointed out. "Well the part where you don't attend as often as before."

"Neither do you," Emmett winked. "But you're right, as is she. I used to make more of an effort but with the business and all it's not as easy to go with the flow and sit in a pew listening to a sermon when my mind is racing a mile a minute about some work-related issue."

"Surely she understands that," I said.

"Like I said, she did before, or maybe she always tolerated it. But lately, it apparently bothers her. Or at least it seems that way, based on the things she brings up at therapy…

"Maybe it's because of the baby. I think Rosie is worried that our future children won't be Catholic enough if I slack of," he added, muttering.

"Catholic enough? What does that mean?"

"You know what's funny?" Emmett spoke, ignoring my question. "I never saw Mom as being as religious as Dad. For some reason, they have come to an understanding about it. She plays the good doctor slash deacon wife when needed but he never pushed her to give up a career, to have hobbies, to completely be someone she's not…

"But with us, it was like he overcompensated. Especially with you. I worry Rosie is the same. That she thinks she accepts my position but as soon as we have children, she'll project her faith onto them, not let them decide for themselves. And I'm not like Mom; I'm not going to pretend that I would accept something like that without any question. That's just not who I am."

"I'm sure Rosalie would understand that, if you two discussed it. Which is what you're doing right?"

My brother nodded, rubbing his face. "I guess. I hope so. I don't want my kids to be in our position."

"Do you think Mom and Dad raised us, or maybe raised _me_ wrong? That Mom shouldn't have supported his efforts to make me fill the footsteps he failed to?"

Emmett snorted. "I don't think you were raised wrong. Nor was I. However, I do believe Dad put too much pressure on us and you in particular. Mom shouldn't have allowed that. It's just not fair. I'm sure they meant well but I don't want to make the same mistake. Would you?"

"Would I what?"

"Force your future kids to do something you didn't. Like if you had a son, would you want him to become a priest? The way Dad projected that dream onto you?"

I thought about what he asked and realized we'd never had this type of conversation before; about the future, about children. Because our futures up until this point never had any similarities. But now they did.

"I'd want my future children to be happy, to do whatever they'd want to do. If that would include something religious, I would welcome it but if they chose differently, what choice would I have?"

"You could be like Dad," Emmett pointed out. "Project your dreams and push so much that your kids simply do as you wish to appease you."

"That's a pretty strong way to define that. I think he always meant well."

"Did he mean well when he badmouthed Bella? Judged her?"

I shook my head. Of course he hadn't. "No, but that was because it was such a shock to him."

"So, would you do the same when your son came home with a girl or maybe even a guy."

"Well, for starters, Bella would have my balls anyway if I tried to be like Dad," I muttered, which made Emmett laugh aloud. "And I'd want my children to be happy, no matter what."

"Have your balls? Wow, you really have changed." My brother grinned as he slapped me on the back.

"I guess I have. Speaking of changes; have you noticed anything different about Dad lately?"

"You mean other than acting like a tool on occasion?" Emmett quipped.

I rolled my eyes but relayed our mother's worries to my brother. From his odd behavior to her own observations.

Emmett didn't seem worried though. He echoed Bella's advice to talk to our father and said would try and do the same when he got the chance.

We parted ways shortly after, since he needed to get back to work and I wanted to stop by Kate's office to show her the progress with my dissertation.

* * *

"This is certainly interesting."

I was sitting opposite Kate, while she read the latest changes in my dissertation.

"It's just a concept," I hastened to say.

"Can I ask what brought this on?"

"You said that I had to incorporate my own experiences. That's what I'm doing," I clarified.

"I know that, but I get the impression that there's a reason you chose to write this now? Are you having doubts about your faith?"

I shook my head, hoping I could explain why I had decided to inform Kate about my decision to find a new church and why I'd added a little write up, almost like a journal entry, to my dissertation now. "I'm not. I'm having doubts about the institution that's been the physical foundation of my faith."

"St. Joseph?"

Kate knew the church, and Father Masen, well.

"Yes. The congregation isn't very willing to accept my new life and despite the fact I haven't done anything wrong, they seem to look at me that way."

"So, you worry about their judgment and it makes you feel uncomfortable to a point you're looking for a new sanctuary?"

"In a way. But also, things have changed. They aren't like before."

"Because of Bella?"

"Not entirely. Partially yes, but there's also something inside me that has changed. I no longer feel comfortable at St. Joseph so I feel I need to find a new spiritual home; a place of solace to practice my faith."

"Look Edward, I want you to know this is entirely your decision and I certainly understand why you'd want to use this journey to find a new congregation in your dissertation…"

"But?"

"But from what you told me before, and from what I'd heard about you, you grew up in St. Joseph. It was your spiritual home. You were a boy singing in the choir. A young man with dreams of serving God and using St. Joseph as an office, for lack of a better term. I have no doubt it's unpleasant to deal with looks and whispers of those who have yet to get used to your new life, but maybe you ought to give people a chance to adjust to the changes. I think it's unwise to make such a rash decision. You've belonged with St. Joseph for so long, that doesn't just change."

I frowned. The old Edward would've accepted her words without defense if only out of politeness. But I felt like Kate was taking on a role that was not for her. A lecture was not what I was here for.

"I just came here to show you my progress and ask you about my work so far. This isn't about the decisions I make concerning my faith or church of choice. So yes, I will stick to my decision to find a new congregation and I will incorporate it into my dissertation."

I didn't wait for her response and muttered a goodbye before I left her office.

* * *

"So she basically lectured you?"

Bella frowned, looking like an angry kitten, her eyebrows raised. It was quite cute.

"A little. Though I think she may have just been surprised by my decision and how she found out about it; letting her read it point blank in the latest version of my dissertation was probably not the best way to found out."

"But you don't owe her anything. It's your decision. Plus, she had no right to lecture you or show her disagreement."

"I don't know. Perhaps it also had something to do with the fact she is part of the congregation I am leaving behind. Perhaps I offended her unknowingly."

"Hmm, maybe," Bella muttered, clearly displeased. "That wouldn't be very objective of her though. Besides, hasn't she been pushing you to add as many different views as possible? I don't get why she thinks she needs to play counselor now."

"Don't frown," I teased her. "I told her how I felt and what I expected her role to be. She's my dissertation counselor. Not my conscience or someone in the position to lecture me."

"Well good. She shouldn't overstep her boundaries."

"She won't. Anyway, I should probably focus on actually telling my parents. Although I have no idea how."

Bella nodded sympathetically. "That's going to be difficult. No doubt your dad is going to freak out."

"I'm sure he won't be pleased." I frowned.

"When are you going to tell him?" Bella wondered. I'd asked that question myself, not really knowing the answer. If I couldn't even tell my mother and brother, who were always supportive of whatever I chose to do, how was I going to tell the one person, the person who'd always cared about my future at St. Joseph the most, that I no longer wanted to be a part of his church?

And try to find out what _he_ was hiding at the same time. If I told him about my decision, there would be no way he would be forthcoming about whatever was claiming all his time and attention.

"I have no idea," I admitted. "I don't really know how to tell him without angering him. Besides, I haven't found an alternative church yet either. That essentially still gives him room to try and persuade me to change my mind. Not that I will but it would have more impact if I could tell him I was joining another church."

"While I'm sure you have a point, I don't think you should wait too long. Your absence is bound to raise questions and it only creates more anxiety for you knowing you are carrying this around with you," Bella said. "Besides, no one can actually judge you for making the decision to analyze and change certain elements of your beliefs. It's not like you're saying goodbye to Catholicism, you're just looking to evolve and there is nothing wrong with that," she added with a smile.

"Since when are you so smart?" I teased, impressed with her analysis.

"Years and years of therapy," Bella muttered. "But seriously, I can't believe you didn't tell Emmett."

"That was because he ended up giving an interesting explanation about his own religion – or possible lack thereof- as he called it."

"Really? What did he say?" Bella looked at me curiously, but before I could speak, she held up her hand, signaling me to halt. "Never mind. It's private, of course."

"Hardly. He just perceives religion differently. Maybe more like you do, though without the trauma." I grimaced.

Bella's face reflected mine but she shook it off. "He never seemed to be much of a churchgoer."

"And yet, you thought he was the one wanting to be ordained," I pointed out teasingly, referring back to a time when we didn't know each other that well, when we'd both been lost in our own sides of the spectrum. Now we were sharing one.

"Maybe my brain just refused to accept someone like you would waste his future to something so freaking tedious. No offence."

"Someone like me?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"It would've been a waste," Bella said definitively before leaning to steal a kiss. "Trust me."

I believed her. My thundering heart, flushed skin, the humming electricity between us and the general – nightmare free – happiness I felt lately, all thanks to having Bella in my life, was plenty of proof.

"Anyway, back to Emmett and his nonexistent church going ways."

"Right. Well apparently he doesn't want his future children to be forced into Catholicism the way our dad did. But Rosalie has other ideas. She wants Emmett to make more of an effort for her and their future children."

"That sounds… complicated," Bella said.

"It probably is, given the fact they are talking about it in therapy…

"He also asked me if I'd ever do the same; raise children the way our father did," I murmured.

Bella's eyebrows shot up, both in surprise and probably a hint of curiosity. "What did you say? I mean, that was never an issue before since well… you were headed toward a different future."

"I want my… _our_ children to have their own choices. Pretty much because you'd have my balls, if I acted the way my father does," I said sheepishly.

Bella repressed a chuckle. "I would," she agreed. "But do you really think of that…of 'our children'?" she said softly.

"Well, it's not like I think about children as something happening in the near future but in terms of who I'd have children with if I were to have them, well… I wouldn't want it to be anyone but you." I smiled, feeling my cheeks burn. What if this was too much for her?

"I see."

"It's okay, I know you don't feel the same." I shrugged.

"Don't," Bella warned, rather harshly. "Don't believe you love me more than I love you and that you're the only one thinking about these things. It's simply not true. I will say that I haven't considered the concept of children due to the mere fact that I had such a shi… crappy childhood myself. But the way you say it… if I were to have babies, it would be with you." Bella smiled before she leaned in to place a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"Really?"

"Of course. Who else? I can't even think about not knowing you, about not having you in my life. Plus, your looks would qualify for great baby making. Green eyes, bronze hair… perfect." Bella grinned.

I blushed even more at her compliment about my appearance. "Bronze?"

"Or copper mixed in with some auburn, gold and possibly red. There's many ways to describe your hair."

"Bronze," I murmured to myself. "I suppose it fits."

Bella giggled and ruffled my hair playfully. "Good. Now back to the issue at hand which is not the determination of your hair color. I really think you should talk to your dad soon. Him especially, because I think your mother would support you no matter what, as would Emmett."

She was right, of course. Bella was so often right. But I couldn't help but wonder what kind of problems I created by telling my father I was leaving the congregation of St. Joseph.

"I'll think about it. How to tell him and all. And try and talk to him about his own… issues."

"Okay. Now, why don't I start dinner?"

"I could eat," I nodded absentmindedly as Bella slipped into the kitchen. I thought about the idea of softening the blow with my father by having an attachment to another church. Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult for him to accept my decision if he knew that I wasn't leaving behind my faith but merely wanted to explore and evolve, like Bella had said.

But honestly, while the decision to find a new church to commit myself to had slowly grown into something I firmly stood behind, I knew I had to be more proactive than simply embracing the idea.

I went to my laptop and opened up Google. Typing in "Catholic churches and Seattle" I found plenty of hits but it was strange clicking any links without knowing exactly what I was looking for.

"Googling churches," Bella's voice sounded behind me. "Clever."

"It's not silly?" I wondered, realizing I sounded like a small frightened boy. But as I turned to look over my shoulder, I noticed Bella's smile.

"No, it's perfect. You know, you always tell me you're proud of me but I'm proud of you too," Bella told me before pressing a kiss in my hair and disappearing back into the kitchen.

I smiled at her affection and went back to clicking a few pages. But it was all so overwhelming.

I spent a few moments looking before I decided to join Bella in the kitchen.

She was tossing a salad and asked me to watch the steaks she was grilling in a frying pan.

"Don't forget I have to go to the community center tomorrow after work."

"Right, why is that again?" I asked.

"Some charity thing that Alice is putting together. Handing out clothes to the local homeless, I think. I'm pretty sure your mother will be there, as will Rosalie."

"I'll give Emmett a call; maybe we can have dinner together."

Bella nodded as she put some water in a pan to boil it for some rice.

"I could make a little extra rice and salad. That way you'll only have to cook some meat tomorrow," she suggested.

I frowned, thinking about my cooking skills, or lack thereof.

"Or you could eat vegetarian for a day," she teased.

"Or that."

After dinner I browsed the internet some more while Bella watched some sort of cake baking show on TV.

Most churches were either familiar because I'd been to them before or knew people in their respective congregations or seemed very similar to what St. Joseph had to offer, which made sense, considering the rules that applied to the practice of Catholicism.

I really didn't see the point of trading one in for the other, knowing the chances of running into people I knew – people who could judge me - would be quite high.

I needed something entirely different.

"Any luck?" Bella wondered from the sofa. "Anything that stands out to you?"

I was about to tell her no and deciding to call it a night and spend the rest of it with Bella on the sofa to watch some TV, make out a little, the usual, when an ad caught my eye.

It was in simple black and white, with delicate letters in elegant calligraphy.

_Tired of what's conventional?_

_Tired of your faith being demolished by rules?_

_Do you just want to believe in Him?_

_Be close to Him?_

_Perhaps the Center of Faith, Hope and Solace is for you._

I blinked and read the ad again. It was appealing for sure, although also a little vague and flighty. Slightly tedious, even. But still, there was something about the message and the simplicity of the ad that spoke to me.

"Edward?" Bella called out.

"I think I found something."

* * *

"Bella is such a good cook!"

I was having dinner with Emmett, like I'd planned the night before, since Bella and Rosalie were volunteering at the community center. As promised Bella had made sure we'd have something to eat. There was leftover rice and salad, plus Bella had put together a Spanish potato omelet, knowing I'd never be able to handle a frying pan to provide some sort of grilled meat.

"Agreed." I smiled proudly.

"I better hurry up though; I have a ton of stuff to do for work," Emmett explained. "Sorry I can't stay. But tax season is coming up and I need to crack those numbers a billion times before I trust them," my brother joked.

"I should probably hit the library to do some more studying; work on my dissertation," I muttered to myself. I really wanted to stay home and wait for Bella but she had told me that she might be late and that it made no sense for me to waste the time waiting when I could be working on my dissertation. I only had a little over two months left to complete it and hand it in.

Emmett finished his dinner and left shortly after, leaving me to my own devices. I was just about to collect my things so I could head to the library for a few hours, knowing it would be easier to concentrate there, when my phone rang.

Bella was calling me.

"Hey you," I greeted her happily, hoping that maybe she would announce she was coming home sooner.

But she did no such thing.

"Hey… I need a favor," she started.

"And what might that be?" I asked teasingly, knowing I would do anything for her anyway.

"Your mother has a few boxes with old clothes that she forgot to bring over and we kind of really need them."

"And you want me to go get them and bring them over?" I guessed.

"I know you were spending the night with Emmett and that you probably have other things to do or just want to relax but it would really help if you did," Bella said, her voice small. "It's pretty packed here so none of us can leave.

"No worries, Emmett had to go back to work so I'll go fetch the boxes at my parents' house and be right over."

"I'm sorry," Bella said again. "Maybe things will slow down in a bit and someone can go get them…" she trailed off.

"It's no problem. You're actually saving me from a very boring evening at the library. Plus, I was sort of missing you so it actually works out well."

"I miss you too," Bella said, a slight smile detectable in her voice. "But I have to go. Thank you, really. See you soon!"

"I'll see you in a bit," I told her before she hung up.

I left my book bag and only grabbed my wallet and keys before heading for the car.

I arrived at my parents' house a little while later, noticing there was a car in the driveway that I hadn't seen before. I knew it wasn't Father Masen's, unless he'd gotten a new car, which seemed doubtful. He'd been driving an old beat up Chevy for as long as I could remember.

My father's Mercedes was parked in the driveway as well, which indicated he was home and that he had company over.

Feeling slightly intrigued, I remembered my mother's worries and wondered what company my father was keeping at this time of night and especially on a night my mother was away.

Was he here with the two mystery men my mother had yet to be introduced to? Was I going to catch him in the proverbial act? That would at least make it easier to confront him about any possible secrets.

I debated on ringing the doorbell instead of using my key but figured that I shouldn't have to act like I was suspicious of anything. It would be better to pretend everything was normal since I had no clue as to what was going on anyway.

So, I used my key and called out, alerting my father to my presence to make sure it didn't seem like I was skulking around. But there was no response.

I decided not to wait for him to appear and went in search of the boxes I was supposed to bring over to the community center.

Then I heard the rapid steps of my father bounding down the stairs in a rush.

"Edward," he greeted me curiously and a little out of breath "What are you doing here?"

He sounded a little out of breath. He looked like he felt caught.

"I came here to pick up some boxes," I explained.

My father looked at me questioningly, clearly he had no idea what I was talking about.

"Boxes?"

"Yes," I nodded. "Mom had set them aside for that clothing handout at the community center tonight. She forgot them and Bella called me a little while ago to ask me if I could pick them up and bring them over."

"I see," he murmured absentmindedly. It was evident he'd barely been listening. I briefly wondered if now was a good time to tell him I was leaving St Joseph; either to shock him out of his distractions or because I could slip it past him without too much conflict since he was barely paying any attention.

"The boxes? Have you seen them?" I asked.

"Hmm, what? Have I seen what?"

"The boxes," I repeated, _again. _"Have you seen them," I emphasized each word.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, I don't think I have."

His absentmindedness would have been comical, had it not been so frustrating to witness the very thing my mother probably experienced all the time now. How little he cared, how evident his preoccupation was.

"Well, I'll look for them then. You look preoccupied, so don't let me stop you from whatever you were doing," I muttered.

My father seemed to consider that, debating if he should leave me to it, but then he smiled and offered his help, which didn't really surprise me. He probably wanted to make sure I wouldn't wander off to places I wasn't supposed to go. Like his office.

We went into the living room first but there were no boxes to be found there.

"Well, they are not here," my father said, stating the obvious.

"Maybe they are in Mom's study," I suggested, wanting to walk ahead to the stairs to go up, knowing it would spark a reaction.

"No wait," my father stopped me swiftly. "We haven't checked the kitchen yet. If your mother was planning on taking the boxes with her then perhaps she left them there."

I wanted to snort at how transparent he was being; it was obvious he didn't want me to go upstairs. I followed him into the kitchen dutifully, since I didn't have much of a choice. I wasn't going to make a scene or do something rash without concrete proof of something.

"So, how have you been?" my father asked, trying to make small talk with the possible purpose of distracting me.

"Fine. I'm fine," I answered, debating if now was a good moment to tell him about my plan to find a new church. I had yet to call the number from the ad I'd seen online and was wary to go about such a delicate matter in such an unconventional way but Bella had convinced me it couldn't hurt to get some information.

"How's your dissertation coming along? There were times when you kept me up to date with these things and now I have to hear such things through your mother," he murmured. There was no accusation in his voice, just sadness.

"Oh, it's going well. Kate is a good counselor, very helpful."

Except for when she tried to lecture me.

"As for the rest, from what Mom told me, you've been busy too," I said pointedly.

My father nodded to himself. "Yes, it's quite the hectic time."

"Because of New Orleans?" I tried, hoping he would at least make the effort to tell me something.

"Yes, that's still an issue," he said and the frown that deepened on his face was disconcerting.

"Is that what's been taking up all your time? Why you've left Mom alone so much?"

I tried not to sound accusatory but it was difficult. I remembered my mother's words and how peculiar my father had been acting in her perception so it was hard to keep an open mind.

"Your mother spoke about this?" he asked, a little surprised.

"She told me," I clarified. "I suppose she's just sad to be alone so much."

"Well, I hope that in due time things will go back to normal," my father declared and it was impossible to miss the subtle undertone in his words.

He wasn't just talking about being so busy and stressed and leaving my mother to her own devices.

He was making a point in the greater scheme of things. When he talked about things going back to normal, he was talking about me.

My father was waiting for _me_ to get back to normal. Whatever that meant to him.

And there it was; my opening to tell my father that I would no longer be attending mass at St. Joseph and that I was going to find a spiritual home at another church.

My initial nerves about informing my father melted away, leaving irritation in its wake.

I thought about how horribly my father had treated Bella and how he had made snide comments time after time to show his disapproval of her. How he'd mapped out a future for me long before I'd even considered it myself. I couldn't help but wonder when _he_ was going to act "normal".

"Speaking of things going back to normal," I started. "I should inform you that I have decided to find another church."

My father's eyes went wide and his cheeks flamed. For a moment I was worried he was going to lose his composure, but then his stance relaxed and all that was left was the questioning look on his face and the pursed lips that showed how displeased he evidently was about this news.

"I see. That is certainly surprising news," he said. "May I ask why?"

"Because St. Joseph no longer offers the spiritual solace I need. There's too much gossip and judgment going on."

"You have always been a very valuable part of the congregation, Edward. Surely people will be very disappointed by this."

I rolled my eyes. "I am sure they'll be very disappointed to have to find another member to gossip about."

"I must say that I am surprised and disheartened by this new hostility towards the congregation you've belonged to for such a long time. It's very unnatural."

"It's a choice," I shot back.

"Yes. A choice you probably would never have made if it hadn't been for-"

But he didn't get the chance to say her name. He wouldn't put the blame for my own decision on Bella.

"I want this and while I certainly don't need it, it would be nice if you could support me. Bella does."

"Of course she does," my father muttered.

"Stop. At least respect my choices," I countered.

"It would be easier to respect your choices if they weren't so callous. We're in the middle of Lent. Easter is coming up. It's a highly important time and you just 'decide'" – he air quoted – "that you essentially can't handle people being disappointed that you have dropped your faith so much. Did you even fast on Ash Wednesday? Or was Bella's amazing cooking a good reason not to," he said icily.

"I said drop it," I basically yelled. "You don't get to play the disappointment card with me. Not after all the stunts you've pulled.

I took a deep breath.

"Now, since I see no boxes here, I'm going to assume they are in Mom's study. You better go fetch them since it's evident you don't want me up there. I suppose that since whoever's up there does not have the common decency to introduce themselves to Mom, they won't show me the same courtesy."

His mouth dropped and he looked shocked.

"Edward, I..."

"Don't," I muttered. "Get the boxes so I can leave. I don't even care about what you're keeping from Mom. I just hope for her sake it's still worth it to put her faith in you.

"Because I'm done, Dad. I am done!"

"Edward, please," my father pleaded. "You have no idea what's going on."

"Nor do I care," I muttered. "Can you please just get those boxes."

"No," he said firmly. "No until you know the truth..."

I rolled my eyes, no longer believing that anything my father had to say could be considered truthful.

"Don't bother," I murmured.

"It's Bella, Edward. It's about Bella."

* * *

**Sorry for the delay; sometimes life is plain evil. This chapter was less Bella/Edward heavy and showed more of the (recent) family dynamics. Doctor Deacon is still an ass, now an ass with a secret, which will be revealed soon enough. I'll try to update as soon as I can, since cliffhangers are uncool. **

**As always, thanks for all the love and patience. It still blows me away! *Waves hello* to new readers. Enjoy the ride!**

**Have a good week :)**


	50. Confrontational

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 48: CONFRONTATIONAL**

* * *

"Night."

"Good night. Sweet dreams, Edward."

I enunciated every word with fucking precision to emphasize the difference in the way we each delivered them. But it didn't make a difference because Edward had already turned around, without offering me more than a muttered good night wish.

Something was definitely wrong with him and I had no idea what it was.

It had started the moment he'd arrived at the community center earlier, when he'd brought over the boxes that Esme had forgotten at the Cullen home. At first I'd thought Edward was angry for having to drive back and forth to play delivery boy but he'd sounded fine on the phone before, assuring me he didn't mind bringing the boxes over, so that couldn't be it. He'd even said he'd missed me and that bringing the boxes over would give him a good excuse to see me.

But that wasn't what had been reflected in his expression when he'd arrived. Edward looked bothered by something.

In fact, he'd looked pissed off.

He had given me a tight smile without a proper greeting before he'd handed the boxes over to his mother and helped out for a while. Mostly he'd been quiet and had barely interacted with anyone. I knew his mom had noticed his strange behavior too because she'd given me a look that had screamed "what's up with him".

But I had no idea. I mean, anyone could be in a foul mood, I fucking sure was sometimes, but Edward was generally a good natured person. Being in a bad mood was definitely a rarity for him.

The rest of the night had been too hectic to put too much focus on Edward's behavior, what with all these people digging through boxes of clothing, enjoying some free coffee and cookies or signing up for one of the sponsored programs of the community center.

That had been Alice's goal; to make more people in the neighborhood – both those who needed charity and those who could afford being charitable - aware of the community center's activities.

Alice herself had been unusually quiet throughout the evening and Angela had told me Alice and Jasper were having some issues because he'd just signed a deal with some rich businessman to expand his restaurant business in Seattle as well as to other places. I supposed that put a damper on Alice's baby making plans.

The night had ended pretty late but we'd all agreed that it was a success. After helping Alice and Esme clean up, Edward and I had dropped Angela off at her and Ben's place before heading home ourselves.

I'd hoped Edward's mood would have improved by the time we'd arrived there but once we had, Edward had continued to act distant and odd in general.

I had tried to loosen him up a little, hoping it would make him want to talk about whatever had him acting this way, but to no avail.

Edward had rejected any form of affection on my part and went to take a shower before he announced he was going to sleep.

And now, he lay facing away from me, something he hardly ever did because we basically always slept entangled and usually had a more prolonged night time ritual that entailed kissing and talking – sometimes a little groping - until we both fell asleep.

This was new and frustrating.

"Edward." I huffed, knowing damn well he wasn't asleep. "I don't know what the he...ck is bothering you but it's pissing me the fuck off, so you better spill it."

A deep sigh resounded from beside me and I felt Edward shift in the dark, the bed squeaking under his weight. I was almost relieved when I felt him turn around; at least he wasn't ignoring me.

"It's just… my father."

Of course, I should have fucking known Doctor Deacon would have something to do with this.

"What did he do now?" I muttered, not sure if I wanted to know the answer, having no doubt that whatever it was would piss me off.

"He angered me earlier tonight and for some reason I haven't been able to shake off all the emotions since then."

"What kind of emotions?" I wondered, thinking the only emotion Doctor Deacon could evoke was anger and perhaps loads of annoyance. Maybe bitterness too.

"I was angry at him at first but now I am also disappointed and sad that things have to be this way."

I realized Edward's emotions were different from mine. My feelings were superficial. His were personal. This was his dad acting like a jerk. Someone he at one point must have admired and looked up to.

"I'm sorry," I told him as I stroked his cheek gently. "I wish he would lighten up."

"That's not going to happen," Edward said, as he leaned into my touch.

"Did you talk to him about leaving St. Joseph?" I wondered.

Another sigh. "Amongst other things. I mostly tried to get him to open up about those secret meetings, which of course was pointless. Then, I just got so frustrated with his demeanor because he was acting all distracted, obviously trying to get rid of me as fast as he could. So, then I told him about St. Joseph."

"And he got pissed," I guessed.

"At first he reacted quite reserved, almost accepting. But then he started going on about how my decision to leave St. Joseph was your fault and that was just too much. He even had the audacity to make the entire mystery with his secret meetings about you."

I frowned, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion. I was puzzled as to why Doctor Deacon would associate his late night _possible_ indiscretions with me. I hadn't talked to the guy in ages and all of our conversations had been uneventful except for the general disapproval he'd always displayed.

"Me? Why me?" I wondered. "What would _I _have to do with your father's meetings?"

The idea that Doctor Deacon tried to blame me for things I had nothing to do with, just so he could try and cause issues between us, sparked fresh irritation in me.

"I don't know. He tried to tell me and seemed really desperate to get some sort of point across, but I refused to listen. I was not in the mood after he started his usual lecturing and blame game where everything is your fault. Something just snapped and all of a sudden all civility for the sake of being related by blood, 'honor thy father' and all that went out the window."

Edward snaked his arms around my waist, pressing his lips into my hair. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to take this out on you by ignoring you. I just needed time to process."

"That's okay," I said. "But I wish you would have told me right away instead of shutting me out."

"I know. I should have told you right away. But I was really angry and sad at the same time. I know he's done some terrible things in the past but I feel like he's gone completely overboard now. He's the one in secret meetings, daring to blame you. It's absurd."

Doctor Deacon was without any doubt a huge asshole. And I seriously didn't understand what his problem was with me. I mean, my former life style would never win me brownie points or approval and I accepted that. But I'd like to think that all the changes I had made warranted some kind of acceptance. After all, Edward's immediate family; his mother and brother had given me the benefit of the doubt and grown to like me, so why couldn't Doctor Deacon do the same? Or at the very least, respect me for being important to Edward.

You'd think that given his religious background, Doctor Deacon would be more forgiving and welcoming, but no. For some reason it probably actually made him dislike me more.

"He really hates me, huh?" I muttered.

"I'm sorry," Edward muttered again, an apology I dismissed. This wasn't his fault. His father was a douche. At least it wasn't genetic.

"I told him I want nothing to do with him anymore," Edward said wistfully. "I'm just so done with him and his attitude."

He sounded tired and not just from what his father had done. He was thoroughly fed up with it all. Edward, for the longest time, had literally demonstrated the patience of a saint with his father. To hear him declare he was done was a pretty big thing for him.

But I also knew that there was more to it, and that his declaration held heavy emotional consequences. This was his dad. And it affected the rest of his family as well.

"I wish he would stop making things so difficult for you," I told him softly.  
"And for your family."

"Me too." He nodded.

While I hated Doctor Deacon's general attitude and all the drama he had caused, I was curious about what he'd been so keen on telling Edward, had he stuck around long enough to listen. What was it that Edward's father knew about me that he had wanted to share so desperately with his son?

I had to wonder if Doctor Deacon was messed up enough to hire a private eye to dig up dirt - made up or factually true - on me, so he could use it to set Edward up against me.

"Edward," I tried softly, "I don't want to make this about me but aren't you curious or worried about what your dad knows about me. I mean maybe he's just making stuff up but if he's not, it would make me feel uncomfortable to know that he knows things about me that he shouldn't.

Basically, it would creep me the fuck out but I didn't want to be so crude with Edward.

And to his credit, he did consider my words and nodded, accepting them.

"I suppose there is a chance he does know something and maybe I should've given him a chance to explain but, Bella, I simply didn't want to give him the satisfaction of trying to cause trouble between us."

"I know that and it's not that I don't understand why you chose not to hear him out but I can't help but wonder if maybe he hired someone to dig up information about me. The idea alone makes me feel very uncomfortable," I admitted. "And that's an understatement."

"I understand that," Edward said. "But to ease your mind a bit, I don't think he knows anything really. I think he was just trying to cause trouble."

Edward stifled a yawn and I felt my own eyelids starting to get a bit heavy as well.

"We better get some sleep," Edward suggested and I showed my agreement by snuggling into his side, sighing contentedly as I breathed in his musky scent.

"I'm sorry again," he murmured. "I didn't mean to shut you out or make you feel bad."

"It's okay. Just know you can always talk to me."

"I do know. I love you _my_ Bella."

I pressed my lips over the spot where his heart was beating. "I love you too."

* * *

In the next few days, I didn't have much time to think about the mess with Doctor Deacon. Life went on and neither Edward nor I talked about it again. The only time his father was brought up, was when his mother came over for dinner Sunday night but that had been a casual name drop on why he hadn't joined her for dinner; he had to work late.

We'd all known that was probably a fucking excuse but Esme hadn't brought up her husband's behavior and neither had Edward. Maybe she hadn't wanted to bother me, or maybe there had been nothing to tell. Either way we spent the night talking about anything but Doctor Deacon.

Monday went by without any events. Edward went to school, I worked and we spent the evening making out on the sofa. Our sexual exploration sessions hadn't had much development since I'd given Edward his first actual blowjob. We still groped and touched; I had given Edward a few hand jobs while he had gotten me off twice. Sex was not the drive behind our relationship and not a hugely important element and we were both okay with that.

Anyway, today was Tuesday and I was sitting next to a blonde supermodel who didn't look fazed as she took in the dark, rather depressing room and five pairs of curious eyes that sized her up.

Rosalie was joining our first Redemption Program group therapy meeting.

Lisa looked impressed and George salivated a little as Doctor Eleazar introduced her.

"Everyone, I would like to introduce you to Bella's new buddy, Rosalie," he spoke before he briefly explained why Rosalie was replacing Edward.

Doctor Eleazar also gave me props for continuing the program, despite the fact that Edward had dropped out. I shrugged that off. I continued because I wanted to get better. My 'she doth protest too much' attitude was getting old and while these group sessions weren't my favorite thing and came off as fucking tedious and ineffective at times, I simply had to be part of them for the sake of misery loving company.

The other people in the Program in this room had seen and felt their fair share of sucktastic things. It had created a strange sort of kinship among us. Not enough to call us friends, but there were similarities that had created mutual respect and a form of comfort. Shared shit was less… shitty for some reason.

"Today I want to talk a little more about fear. At the end of our last session I recommended that you seek out something that you fear and do something to provoke the emotions it causes when you're faced with said fear to see if you can work to overcome it…

"I am aware this takes time and there is certainly no pressure there but it's good to focus on this nonetheless…"

I sighed. I didn't like it when Doctor Eleazar talked a lot before announcing an exercise. That never boded well.

"What I would like to do today is for George, Lisa and Bella to write down something they truly fear, something like a past event for instance, so we can discuss it to see if we can work through it or put it in perspective. Of course, it has to be related to why you're in the Redemption Program.

"Now Mary, Molly and Rosalie, as buddies, your sole purpose in this exercise we're about to do is to provide mental and emotional support if necessary."

I sighed again, listening to Doctor Eleazar's instructions, thinking I'd been right about how this wasn't going to be good. It were these types of exercises that I loathed. They were too confrontational and took their toll, draining my energy. It was a good thing I had the rest of the day off.

We were all given a piece of paper and pen and we were supposed to write down a word or sentence, an event or something that represented something we feared. The catch was of course that it had to be related to the reason we were in the program. Doctor Eleazar reminded us of the expectations we'd had when we had first started the therapy.

I stared at the white paper, the pen shaking because of my trembling fingers. I remembered how I had admitted I didn't want to end up as my mother. But that was no longer a legitimate fear. I knew that wasn't going to happen now that I had Edward. My life and personality was so different from hers, it was unlikely I'd become a bitter harpy who'd allow her child to be molested without any remorse.

The fear of being inside a church though, which wasn't solely about the actual walking in and sitting in a pew, but even more so about the emotional ramifications as I'd sit there was very legitimate though. And to write that, knowing it wasn't something I wanted to think about, let alone verbalize and lay out to analyze in front of others, that was something entirely different.

"You okay?" Rosalie whispered, clearly aware of my fresh anxiety.

"I am not sure," I admitted quietly.

"Just take a deep breath," she said softly. "It might help."

I nodded, taking her advice into account. This didn't have to be hard. I could even make something up and not mention the church thing at all, despite the fact that would be considered cheating. It would be much easier than to face the truth and actually writing it down, knowing that would make it real to the extent of actually having to work at fixing it.

"Bella?" I looked up at the sound of my name and found Doctor Eleazar looking at me intently.

"You're not writing anything down," he said, pointing out the extremely obvious.

I sighed and put the pen to paper, giving him a look which made him nod and move on. He knew better than to press me.

I took a deep breath and wrote down one word.

_Church._

That should and would have to suffice.

After we had finished writing down what we feared the most, Doctor Eleazar collected the pieces of paper before he unfolded them and laid them out on his desk.

"Now, since none of you have written down your names, I could consider this anonymous."

For a moment I was hopeful. No audience participation, please. Let him analyze this without mentioning any of us by name.

"But that would defeat the entire purpose of this exercise."

Crap.

"Bella, let's start with you," he called me out. "What did you write down?"

I looked him over, taking in his tweed suit and brown loafers. His grey beard and the friendly smile he wore. I wanted to comment, snark and even act out but when I caught Rosalie looking at me expectantly and encouragingly, I knew I had to be fair.

"I wrote down the word 'Church'," I admitted quietly.

"You fear churches," Doctor Eleazar stated. "The institution of it or the actual building, exterior, interior, etcetera?"

"Both," I said. "I fear both."

"I see. Would you mind sharing with us why that is?"

Yes, I would very much mind, thank you very fucking much.

"I have had some bad experiences with both the institution and the actual building…."

_Experiences I don't want to share with the class_, I thought wryly.

"Can you elaborate on those experiences?"

Of course this fucker would continue to pry. And sure that was his job and the entire point of this exercise but having six pairs of eyes looking at me with curiosity, waiting for me to reveal some big bad thing that made me so fucked up made it hard to concentrate and form words I didn't really want to speak aloud.

"I'd rather not get into it too much. Someone from my past made going to church a bad experience."

"Now I recall that Edward mentioned last time you have issues with religion. I take it this fear of churches and the issues with religion are related?" Doctor Eleazar guessed.

I gave him a curt nod. He was such a fucking genius.

"I also remember Edward suggested you could join him at church, which, given your fear would be a difficult feat but a very good start to overcome it. Have you considered that?"

"Edward went to church a few weeks ago and I met up with him in front of the building. I didn't go inside though."

"That's an accomplishment. Small steps are still impressive leaps," Doctor Eleazar quoted some unknown source, or maybe it was his own brain musing. "I would like to suggest that you work up to moving closer to the entrance and try and desensitize yourself until you feel confident enough to go in."

Yeah, that was not likely to happen soon. But I nodded in acceptances, hoping it would get him off my back.

I breathed a sigh of relief when he did move on to George after that, almost happy he didn't push me any further.

I spent the rest of the session between paying a little attention to my fellow participants out of courtesy and trying to shake the feeling of anxiety after confronting my fears like that.

* * *

"That was more intense than I had expected," Rosalie admitted as she swirled the teaspoon through her glass mug, the sugar mixing with the teabag and the hot water.

"Welcome to looneyville." I chuckled wryly.

"No Bella, I didn't mean it like that. I am sure it's very helpful for you but it must take so much energy."

I nodded. It was draining, I couldn't deny that.

"It is. But I guess it's worth it if I feel better in the end."

"I know it must be strange for you to share these rather personal things with all these people that you hardly know."

It was hard. There was no doubt about that. Like being emotionally naked or something. Soul bearing. But we all did it and that made us equals in a way.

"So are you really afraid of churches?"

It must seem so silly to Rosalie, who'd grown up around the institution that was the Catholic Church. Who probably saw something beautiful and statuesque in the gothic architecture, where as I saw the shadow of the monster in every nook, arch and ornament.

And I couldn't tell her what it was like to have a cock in your mouth whilst staring up at the pretty colored widows with religious displays, hoping God would save you when he never did. How a choir singing hymns reminded you of how a large olive skinned hand would linger on your thighs and slowly creep up, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind. How he forced me into a different kind of confession every time we were in the confessional booth.

I couldn't tell Rosalie any of that. I couldn't even tell Edward that because it was too painful, too disgusting, too tainted and all together too horrific to be verbalized.

It was already fucking bad enough that _I _knew what that was like. That I knew very clearly why the sight of a church freaked me out, why I would never be able to sit in a pew again without being reminded of the vile despicable things Aro had done to me.

"It's complicated," I hedged.

"I don't want to push you Bella and surely I understand it must have something to do with your past and that that's why you can't talk about it, but could you try? Try to explain it to me. I really want to help you and I know Edward is privy to much more information than I am, which he should by the way, but I feel like I can't be the best buddy I should be and be the support you need if I don't have little more back information than the people in our therapy group."

Rosalie smiled and I knew she was being 100% sincere and I liked how she said "our group" instead of my group. For some reason it made me feel less like a freak. But her request was a dangerous one because for some crazy reason I wanted to open up to Rosalie. Despite her religious background, or maybe because of it, she was a genuinely good person. Not a bitch type harpy one with her stunning looks could easily afford herself to become but truly a kind and friendly soul. And strong too after all the crap she'd been through lately.

"I tell you what," Rosalie said before I could respond to her request. "Why don't I share something personal as well? I'll tell you something that is hard for me to put into words and tell another person and you tell me a little more about this fear of churches. And if it gets to be too much, we'll stop and talk about the latest silly thing Emmett or Edward has done." She chuckled. "Deal?"

I nodded because it sounded fair and again it was hard to repress the urge to just spill my ugly past to her and tell her everything and possibly divulge even more than I'd ever had to Edward.

"Okay, I'll start. I'm afraid that Emmett and I won't make good parents."

She blushed as she spoke the words and for a second I had to control the urge to laugh in her face because it sounded so fucking simplistic compared to my issues, but then, after a fleeting moment I realized that everybody had issues and that this was her issue and it was real and genuine and this was something she was truly afraid of.

"Wow."

"Let me rephrase; I think I am even more afraid Emmett won't be a good father. Now, does that not make me the most terrible person?" She shook her head sadly.

I tried to picture grinning and goofy Emmett as a dad and honestly couldn't imagine anyone more strong and caring. He was the opposite of his own father and probably didn't resemble Rosalie's dad either. He didn't have that rigid religious background where he lived by the rules of the Catholic Church alone and wanted his children to do the same.

I figured that his lack of abiding the laws of the Catholic Church was the exact reason Rosalie actually questioned his future parenting skills.

"I uh... no. No I don't think that makes you a terrible person."

"As you know, Emmett had never been, and I quote him on this, 'into the whole church thing' as much as me and while I always respected his stance I do worry what it'll do to our children. I don't want them stuck in a divide of faith or something."

"You want them to be raised Catholic," I deduced, to which Rosalie nodded.

"I don't think Emmett would want anything different, would he?"

"No, he wouldn't mind it but I worry that he won't be as actively involved in raising our children the Catholic way. Pff, this must be such a weird topic for you," she muttered.

I frowned. It wasn't all that weird. And I was somewhat aware of their issues because of what Edward had shared with me after he and Emmett had talked about them.

"Why would that make me feel weird?" I wondered. "I might not believe in the same way that you do but I can see your dilemma. You worry that Emmett, because he doesn't care as much about certain Catholic traditions as you do, won't be as strict in following them with your children. And you want the two of you to be on the same page when it comes to raising kids. That's not exactly a shocking concept to me, Rosalie." I smiled dryly. "I think most parents want that, regardless what faith they practice."

"I know. I just feel so silly. I love Emmett and he is a good man and when I allow my day dreams about houses with white picket fences to wander, I can see him being an amazing dad. But sometimes I feel - and it's so embarrassing to say this - that the reason we lost the baby was because we weren't meant to have one, because we'll never raise a child in the right way."

I shook my head, for Rosalie's thinking was so fucking absurd. I couldn't imagine some higher power, whatever the fuck that might be, not granting them a child or multiple children. Not that I truly believed in higher powers - if there was something out there, then he, she, or it sure handed me a shitty deal for most part - but I didn't for a second believe that Rosalie and Emmett had been punished with the miscarriage because they wouldn't make good parents.

Besides, it was all relative anyway. There wasn't one exact way to good parenting, if you asked me. People who believed there was, often fucked up.

"I don't think that's true at all. In my opinion you'll both make great parents. And uhm… I don't want to make you feel bad," I said softly, "but from what I understand about miscarriages, they sometimes happen when the fetus is already having problems. Your body basically expels anything bad..."

I noticed tears forming in Rosalie's eyes and instantly felt like a fucking idiot for explaining this to her in such a bad way.

"I just mean that it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. Truly, it isn't. You just have to have faith and give it time and then it'll happen and your baby will be perfect and you'll figure out all these parenting things as you go. You and Emmett, together," I said, as I reached out to put my hand on hers, an action that surprised me a little, given the fact I wasn't often very touchy feely with anyone but Edward.

But in this case I was actually feeling comfortable enough to do so, to touch someone other than Edward so freely and without hesitation, knowing it might possibly comfort them.

Rosalie sniffed and smiled through her tears. "I'm supposed to be supporting you and make you feel better, not the other way around," she murmured.

"I blame my therapists for making me think so much." I winked.

As Rosalie dried her tears and I ordered us another round of coffee and tea, I decided that it was only fair to share a little more about my church issues now that Rosalie had done the same with me by opening up.

"When I was thirteen, I was baptized," I started, my voice a little shaky. "There was a big party and I got a pony and all that."

Rosalie's big blue eyes went wide and I could tell she was surprised that I had just started talking and told her I was, in the eyes of... God, Catholic.

"You're Catholic?"

I grimaced. "Technically, yes, I suppose I am."

"Guess it's my turn to say 'wow' now. Bella, I had no idea. Does Edward know?"

I nodded. He did know the basics of this gruesome tale, though not the specifics. And I was about to give Rosalie some.

"He knows, though I don't think he truly considers me to be Catholic. I don't even think I do, to be honest."

Rosalie nodded and decided to change the subject. "So you got a pony? That's a pretty huge gift. When I did my First Holy Communion, I got a Barbie Dream House. I did already have a Barbie pony though." She chuckled. "My First Communion... I remember I was so nervous to spill something on my white dress and my mother warned me that I wouldn't represent purity anymore if I spilled and I wanted chocolate milk so bad and..." she trailed off.

I flashed her a sad smile. I wished I had ever been innocent enough to play with Barbie dolls and enjoy festivities the way a child should where worrying about losing my purity was actually related to the possibility of spilling a drink on my dress and not through a pervy jackass who was desperate to defile someone in the worst way.

"I'm sorry," Rosalie spoke suddenly. "I didn't mean to drift off. You were talking about your baptism. You were thirteen?"

"Yes. My mom... she moved in with this... guy who was Catholic and he wanted me to be as well."

"Your stepfather?"

I frowned, never considering Aro to be anything resembling a father of some kind. Maybe in the beginning when I had hoped he would be everything Charlie had never been. I had hoped he would make Renée happy and that maybe a little of her happiness would reflect back to me and that she would stop hating me so much.

But she had never been happy. And her hatred for me had only grown stronger over the years.

**FLASHBACK**

_"That stupid little whore. You think I am blind, Aro? Do you?"_

_I could hear his faint chuckle, as I repositioned myself in the fair corner of the stairwell where no one could see me but I could hear every single word. My butt was already getting numb and I was tired and cold, but I listened in anyway._

_"Let it go, Renée" he spoke in a lazy warning. I could hear the boredom in his voice and imagined how he was rolling his eyes at her. I knew Aro was getting tired of her tantrums. Everyone was, including me. She was worse than she'd ever been back in Forks. At least there she'd had her distractions - whatever they might have been, but here in Chicago, where she had to play trophy wife to Aro, she seemed more unhappy than I'd ever seen her._

_The "stupid little whore" she was talking about was - how original- Aro's new secretary. A perky blonde who always smiled too widely._

_I liked her. I liked her because she was Aro's new distraction. And a new distraction to him, meant he had less time to focus on me._

_He still came to my room almost every night but he left me alone during the day, which was a relief. Sort of._

_He was also less aggressive at night, which in an odd way was also a relief. He still wanted sex and I still hated every moment of it, but he was less demanding and rough. It was almost sweet. _

_Almost. Because it was still as repulsive and painful as ever to watch and hear him come while I pretended to enjoy the way he took my dignity over and over again._

_Still, once a day wasn't as bad as multiple times. I would take any reprieve I could get and consider it a gift._

_And it was all thanks to Ramona, the new perky blonde secretary my mother hated so much._

_"You need to fire her, Aro. I will leave if you don't."_

_I snorted. Renée was more delusional than ever if she thought that spiel would work on Aro. Sometimes, I believed he even wanted her to make good on that threat and just go. He was growing tired of her whining and her demands. Of course, if she left, that could mean I'd have to leave too._

_And if I had to leave, it would be a blessing. I would be free._

_But I doubted Aro would ever let me go. Even if Renée did._

_"Oh really, Renée, who will pay for your clothes, your hair, your make-up? Your desperate need to stay young. Who will tolerate you, knowing what you used to do before I saved your sorry ass from the dirty piss filled alley I found you? Who will take care of your daughter? I own you, Renée. And I own Isabella."_

_My ears perked up at hearing his mentioning of me. I gulped at his claim on me._

_He owned me._

_"Oh, don't even bring her into this," my mother said icily and I could hear the bitter disgust in her voice._

_Her. That's what I was to my own mother. Not worthy to of being referred to by name. Just her. Little above an object, an old shoe she could get rid of if it had a smidge of dirt on it. Maybe I was less than that, maybe I was just the grime on the soles of her shoes. Something she couldn't wipe off, no matter how hard she tried._

_"I know what you've been doing with her. She's just as much of a little whore as your secretary."_

_I bit back on my tongue and forced myself not to cry. My own mother calling me a whore. How lovely. I was used to her emotional cruelty but it continued to sting almost as much as what Aro did to me every day._

_"Don't you dare, Renée!" I could hear Aro yell. "You know nothing about my relationship with Isabella! Nothing!"_

_I sniffed at hearing my name coming from his lips - in such a different way than he usually spoke of and to me. He was almost defending me now like a protective father would. Aro at least had the decency to call me by my name, instead of pretending I was a nobody._

_I didn't listen any further and went back to my room._

_Aro was very rough that night._

**END FLASHBACK**

"Bella," Rosalie called my name, pulling me back from the dark hole filled with painful memories. "Are you alright?"

"My dad died," I explained, trying to shake off the horrible memory and not alerting Rosalie to the fact that I was starting to fall apart on the inside. "And my mother was never really happy with him so I guess she was happy to leave everything behind and move on to better things."

I didn't tell Rosalie I'd grown up in Forks; the place where her parents lived now.

"A guy being able to afford a pony would be considered a better thing, I suppose. Financially, I mean," Rosalie mused.

I nodded. "He was rich. Gave me everything my heart desired," I spoke flatly.

He also trampled on my heart while he damaged my body and broke my spirit.

"But?" Rosalie wondered. "Something must have changed along the way. Given where you ended up."

_But_ he wasn't the man I'd hoped he would be. He wasn't a father figure; he didn't protect me from big bad things, from monsters under the bed.

He _was_ the monster under the bed.

I took a deep breath. "The night of my baptism, was the first night he came into my room."

Rosalie's eyes went wide in shock, as I waited for the words to click.

"Oh my God, Bella… he… he…"

She couldn't say the words. Nor should someone as good and kind, as innocent and pure – well compared to me anyway - have to say them.

And I didn't want the pity I read in her eyes.

So I spat it out before she could find her tongue and defile herself a little.

"He sexually molested me for four years."

* * *

"…and you can make little music notes out of fondant or marzipan…"

I sighed. Little fondant music notes. Who gave a freaking fuck?

The colorful display and the huge cake that had been shaped into a piano, while impressive, couldn't hold my attention and so I surfed on to the next channel where two dogs were getting it on.

I _so_ wasn't watching that either.

I huffed, pissed at feeling so on edge and exhausted at the same time. I was happy to have opened up a little to Rosalie and that she had done the same in turn. It balanced us out in a way and it would create more understanding and give her insight into my butt-load of issues, but it left me with the bitter aftertaste of exhaustion, disgust and general depression at my fucked up childhood at the same time.

I missed Edward. Not just boyfriend Edward, who was on his way home, but especially Redemption Program-buddy Edward, whose innocence was more comforting than Rosalie's resolute 'what that man did to you was wrong, Bella' attitude. I didn't need her to state the obvious to me. I was well aware of it.

I knew what Aro had done to me was wrong but that hadn't stopped him and it sure as fuck didn't erase the memories.

I had already showered and changed into sweats as I'd gotten home but I still felt dirty. I shuddered and tried to repress a fresh trip down that fucked up memory lane.

I must have been staring at the ceiling for the longest time, because it felt like ages had passed when I heard a key being stuck into the lock and then a click before the door opened.

I almost wanted to cry in relief when I spotted the familiar bronze mop of hair and the sparkling jade eyes that instantly found mine.

I flew up from the sofa and didn't hesitate to close the distance between us to bury myself in the safety of Edward's arms.

"I'm so glad you're home." I sighed.

Edward didn't hesitate to hold me tight. Despite his rather foul mood earlier in the week he was back to his affectionate supportive self with me.

"What's wrong?" he asked me when he noticed I was not going to let him go.

"Can you just hold me for a while?" I asked, feeling small and vulnerable.

"Of course, just let me get rid of my bag and coat."

I let go of him momentarily, so he could put his stuff away. When he was done, he grabbed my hand and led me back to the sofa where he practically pulled me into his lap.

"So, what brought on this hugfest? Not that I mind," Edward said softly. "But you seem upset."

"It was just a very long day. I told Rosalie some stuff about my past and that really sucked the energy right out of me because it made me feel so anxious. I hate reliving these things."

Edward pulled me to him even closer. "That must have been hard. How do you feel now?"

I snuggled closer. "Better now that you're here."

He smiled a little as he held me tight, his lips pressed into my hair, knowing how much I needed that.

"How did Rosalie react?"

"She understood. Though I doubt she can truly comprehend it. I don't think anyone can. It's my crappy past and no one really knows what it feels like to think about some of the details and relive them."

"I know," Edward said soothingly. "I wish I could help you but I feel like anything I'd say would be pointless and diminish your feelings significantly."

I pulled myself up so that we were face to face. "I don't need you to understand, I just need you to be here, and you are," I said, smiling softly. "It's just tough to spend an entire day focused on this stuff. It leaves me so tired but of course sleeping is not an option because that will lead to nightmares. Especially if you're not there to hold me to keep the demons at bay."

"I will hold you all night if that's what you need," Edward declared before finding my lips and covering them with his own.

It was a sweet innocent kiss with the familiar electricity that always hummed between us. I reveled in it.

When I pulled away I smiled contently. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

"Anyway, enough about me. How was your day? Did you learn anything fun at school," I teased, eager to talk about something other than my own drama.

Edward chuckled. "I actually had two unexpected free periods, which I used to work on my dissertation and spent contemplating on whether to call that _Faith, Hope and Solace_ center or not."

"I see. And did you? Call them?"

Edward nodded. "I did actually, and they told me I could stop by whenever I felt like it."

"That sounds encouraging. Have you decided on when?" I wondered, watching as Edward's expression grew uncertain.

"Well, I am free tomorrow, except for two lectures which have voluntary attendance, so I thought about blowing them off and go and check out that church instead. I mean, the sooner, the better, right?"

"Edward Cullen, ditching? That's a shocker." I chuckled.

"I prefer calling it doing research." He winked. "But if I don't do it right away, I'll just postpone it and probably end up chickening out."

"So, you'll go first thing in the morning?" I asked.

Edward flashed me a sweet, insecure smile. "Well, I was hoping that maybe you would go with me…"

He left the suggestion hang in the air between us for a bit but just as I wanted to tell him that was probably not a good idea, Edward held up his hand to stop me.

"I know you feel uncomfortable and that this is really not your thing but because I feel insecure about all this and you have a better BS-meter, it would help a lot if you would join me."

"I see." I nodded to myself, mentally trying to weigh the consequences if I gave in to his request. I really had to think about what he was asking me, especially after what happened today. I wasn't sure if I could handle another "church angst" day so soon.

"You don't have to if you really don't want to but I would definitely appreciate it. I kind of need you," he said sheepishly. "And let me be clear, this isn't a poorly veiled attempt to get you to join church or something. I just want you with me. I_ need_ you with me."

I sighed. How could I resist his pleas? Edward needed me. For once I wasn't depending on him, but the other way around. And I really wanted to be strong for him.

But there was very strong and lingering doubts.

"I don't know, Edward," I answered truthfully. "It's not that I don't want to, because I really want to support you in this and I know how important it is to you, but I just don't know if I can without completely breaking down."

How embarrassing would it be if I was there with an already nervous Edward and have a complete meltdown. That would ruin a perfectly good chance for him to find new religious solace somewhere.

"I know, Bella, it's alright. You don't have to. I'll go by myself." Edward smiled.

But he sounded disappointed and I hated the idea of making him feel that way. I wanted to be there for him and make him feel better. To show he could lean on me as much as I did on him, as two people in a well balanced relationship would be able to.

And so I had to try.

"How about… I go with you, but if it scares me too much, I walk away and wait for you in the car?"

Edward's beaming smile was my reward. "That sounds like a plan."

* * *

It was hard to tell who was more nervous the next day; Edward or me. Maybe we were equally nervous, the silence between us certainly pointed at it.

We both had our own worries.

Edward had no idea what to expect and picking a new church was a hugely important decision for him. While he hadn't confirmed it in so many words, I knew he had doubts about this place. Just this morning at breakfast he had muttered something about the church, or center, being unconventional, admitting he wasn't sure if taking such a leap from the more traditional settings of the Catholic Church was the right thing to do. I hadn't really responded to that, except for advising Edward to take the 'wait and see' approach to which he'd reluctantly agreed.

As for me, I just tried to keep my cool and forced myself to see this as a harmless excursion instead of a possibly traumatic experience.

When we arrived at the center, which was somewhere in the outskirts of Seattle, we were equally taken aback by the exterior. On the outside, it didn't look like a church at all. There were no clock towers, no gothic shapes.

In fact it appeared to be rather plain and unimpressive.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" I asked Edward who seemed just as surprised as I was. For me, it was almost a pleasant surprise because this didn't unnerve me all that much, but I could see the anxiety and possible disappointment on his face.

Edward checked the directions he had printed and nodded. "Yes, this appears to be it."

"Well, it's definitely… different," I offered. "Not what you'd expect a church to look like."

"Yes," Edward echoed my sentiment wryly. "Different is a way to describe it."

We both remained silent for a few moments, while Edward parked the car. Once he did, he cut the engine and looked at me. "How do you feel about going in with me?"

"I'm okay. So let's do it," I said, unlocking my seatbelt and getting out of the car before Edward could say anything that might influence a change of heart with me.

Of course, given Edward's worrying nature, he did so anyway. "Are you sure?"

I nodded, unwilling to back out now.

"Yes. Let's go check it out."

Edward locked up the car and led me to the front entrance, which really didn't look anything like St. Joseph or any of the other churches we'd both seen before. The basilica of Santa Maria Maggiore looked like the Vatican compared to this. I shuddered at the memory but shook it off. Now was not the time to dwell on that. I was here for Edward.

Again we both seemed struck, for different reasons, by the way this church looked on the outside and the impression it left behind. I felt relief, but Edward was looking skeptical now. Kind of like the ugly brown stones and the flat roof confirmed the opinion he'd formed beforehand.

"It's very businesslike," he commented. "I expected for it to be more… churchlike," he added with a dry chuckle.

"Maybe they're really nice," I said, as we walked through the automatic doors. "As long as they provide you with proper information you can form a proper decision about this."

"You're right. I have to be open minded," Edward said resolutely.

The moment we were inside I expected something to hit me, a certain fear or déjà vu to make itself present, but things weren't that bad. I didn't feel additional stress other than curiosity and the usual apprehension I felt when being in the vicinity of religion. It was more based on annoyance because I expected a level of hypocrisy rather than gripping fear that would trigger unwanted memories.

We were welcomed by a woman sitting behind a counter in the reception area; she was talking on the phone and flashed us a welcoming smile as she finished up.

She was probably in her late thirties or early forties and had reddish blonde hair that was tied back in a pony tail. Her face was pale and covered in tiny freckles. She had warm amber eyes that shone brightly as she spoke.

Once she hung up, she rose, revealing modest clothing in the form of a long black skirt and a forest green jumper.

Her look was finished with low-heeled black boots.

"Hello, my name is Siobhan McLaren." She smiled. "Welcome to the Faith, Hope and Solace Center, or FHSC for short. How may I help you?"

"I'm Edward Cullen and this is my girlfriend, Bella Swan. I called you yesterday to gather some information about the center," Edward explained.

"Ah yes. I remember," the woman named Siobhan nodded."Well, once again, welcome. My husband Liam is currently absent but I'd love to give you some more information about the center, our activities and the way we celebrate faith."

She seemed nice and cheerful without being pushy. "Maybe we can step into one of our visiting rooms to have some coffee or tea while we go over some of the brochures and I can answer any questions you might have?"

Edward flashed me a look, trying to gauge if I was okay to go inside with him and listen to what this woman had to say.

I gave him a nod before we followed Siobhan who, as she led us to the room, chatted about the weather. A nice neutral topic.

"It's a good thing spring is around the corner. It helps with our outdoor activities and it makes everyone much happier to have a little more sunshine, don't you think?"

Edward returned her sentiment verbally, while I just nodded. I was definitely tired of melting snow which led to slippery mushy sidewalks and wouldn't mind a little more sun to brighten the city.

The room Siobhan brought us to was a lot lighter than the exterior of the building, with its bright yellow colored walls and large windows. The posters with religious images didn't escape me though and I grimaced at the sight.

_Jesus will never leave you_,one of them read. I wanted to snort but kept myself in check. This wasn't about me; this was about Edward's needs.

"Please sit down and make yourself comfortable while I'll get us something to drink. What would you like?"

We both chose coffee which she accepted with a smile before she left to get us some.

"She seems nice enough," I said. "Genuinely happy, I guess."

Edward was too busy looking around, his eyes taking in the interior of this room and probably the entire feel of the center.

"Oh, uh… yes. She does seem nice," he murmured in an afterthought.

"So, what do you think so far?" I asked.

"It's different from St. Joseph," Edward admitted. "I don't quite know how I feel about that yet. I mean, the entire point of this was to find something different but it's hard to fully embrace the changes, especially ones that seem so visual. This place looks nothing like your average church."

"Maybe things will be clearer for you once Siobhan has explained how the congregation works around here. Looks aren't everything."

"True. On a different note, how are you?" Edward wondered. "This is not too much for you, is it?"

I shook my head. "No, it's not that bad. Maybe it's the fact it doesn't look like a church that actually makes me feel less anxious than I thought I would. "

Edward was about to say something but then Siobhan came back, carrying a tray with steaming mugs of coffee and a plate of cookies.

"Alright, why don't I start by telling you a little about what we do around here and then you can ask questions," she suggested as she placed the mugs in front of us.

Edward gave a nod in agreement, I just smiled at her. This wasn't about me; he would have to take the lead.

"The Center of Faith, Hope and Solace was founded five years ago by my husband, Liam. He's a deacon and assists in leading mass with Father McGraw, the Center's priest. We have lots of extracurricular activities, missionary work abroad, a children's choir and an adult choir both active in various singing competitions, charity events, you name it."

Edward listened to her intently before he started asking questions.

"If you don't mind me asking, what's different about FHSC, if you would compare it to other Catholic churches? Apart from the uh... unconventional look of it." He smiled sheepishly, probably worried he'd offended Siobhan. "The online advertisement made it seem like you offered something different…"

Siobhan just gave him a warm smile instead. "That's an excellent question. Unfortunately or perhaps _fortunately, _there is no simple answer. At first glance, yes we look different because there are no arches, no clock tower, etcetera. But rest assured, our principles are no different from most Catholic churches.

"Now, if I had to tell you what we do differently compared to what you know and what you've seen and experienced before, I'd have to say it all depends on what you seek now. If you want something different, you have the freedom to find that here. I suppose that's the main difference. We offer the freedom to make choices and follow your own path and instincts when it comes to your faith with the support and understanding you might need on occasion but without any possible judgment from your congregation. We try to be as open minded as we can within the boundaries of the rules of the Catholic Church."

I was lost in her string of words while Edward nodded as if he understood every single word.

But apparently he too had a little trouble following her.

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"I'm sorry, I wish I could explain it properly but I'm afraid my husband is the more gifted speaker." Siobhan smiled. "He would be able to explain it much better."

"That's alright," Edward offered her in a friendly tone. "I just want to gather some information so I can make an informed decision."

"I understand that." The woman in front of us smiled warmly. "I think one of the essentials that we offer is respect. That's what it all boils down to. There's no 'good' or 'bad' way of worshipping. No right way to believe in God. But since we are Catholic, we do offer the appropriate activities and practices that follow and reflect the religion. It's easy to be rigid and conservative and for some that's an acceptable way of life. FHSC is not perfect. But you'll find we are a rather young and perhaps a bit more liberal community."

I remained quiet and observed Edward as he took in the information this woman offered him. I knew he wasn't convinced about joining this particular congregation. In fact, it was written all over his face. There were doubts that stemmed from his own insecurities and the rigorous decision to change congregations without knowing what he was looking for.

"I'd be happy to schedule a meeting with my husband, if you want a more personal conversation with him about your expectations and needs."

Edward seemed pensive as he considered this until he relented and nodded. "That might be a good idea. I left my old church because I no longer felt comfortable in that environment. But I admit that it's hard to put into words what I am looking for now."

We chatted about a few more casual topics until Siobhan told us she had to go back to managing the reception desk. Before we left, Siobhan shook our hands and gave Edward a reassuring nod. "I don't think you should wonder about what we can offer you but try to figure out what it is you're looking for. You must have chosen to leave your congregation for a reason. I do hope my husband can help you with some of those questions."

"I will think about it and then give your husband a call," Edward promised, clutching the card she'd given him.

We then said our goodbyes and left.

Outside, Edward took a deep breath before walking back to the car. He didn't say a word though. Nothing about his thoughts or feelings about this place, which was odd because I'd expected him to talk.

I tried to get him to open up but he remained lost in his own thoughts and I let him be, believing he would start talking when he was ready.

He did once we were back home.

"I know he doesn't deserve it, but I kind of miss my father right now, with this particular subject. Despite all his flaws, he'd always been the one I talked to about these things and although it's foolish to expect he'd react fairly in this matter, it's still hard to have to process this all by myself. How do I know if this is the right choice to make? That Siobhan seemed very nice but her explanation of what FHSC represents was… vague. I didn't know what to make of it."

I felt bad, knowing I couldn't help him with this because my opinion was biased.

"My father is a jerk but he would know how to help me gather my thoughts with this. It's just such a shame he is trying to tear the family apart with his actions."

That was the last thing Edward said about his dad and his desire to talk to the man who used to be there for him but in the next few days I still noticed how on edge he was, even though he tried to hide it from me.

I felt for Edward and despite the fact I believed Doctor Deacon was an asshole who deserved no compassion, Edward did deserve a father.

So after a few days in which Edward tried to hide his wallowing unsuccessfully, I decided to mend some fences. For Edward's benefit. It was a one time attempt though. If Doctor Deacon would act like his usual douche-y self and ignore his son's emotional needs because of his disdain for me, than he would be unworthy of the title 'father" and Edward would truly be better off without him.

Maybe luck - if that's what you could call it - was on my side because the opportunity to talk to Edward's dad presented itself when I arrived at the bakery on Monday and found Doctor Deacon standing there, chatting casually with Maggie.

Something about his relaxed demeanor bugged me though and almost killed my plan. There he stood, on my territory, smiling and looking carefree. Maybe it wasn't deliberate, but it sure felt that way and it angered me. What gave him the right? His arrogance was infuriating and it almost made me give up on trying to reason with him before I'd even started.

Still, I stepped in, a smile plastered on my face, refusing to let him see my fucking disgust and discomfort. I greeted them both pleasantly before going out back to put my stuff away and find my apron.

A part of me hoped he would be gone by the time I went back upfront but I wasn't that lucky. Although, maybe this was a good thing. Maybe if he saw me in this environment, where I was working hard like every other person, he'd see some kind of worth in me and that would make it easier to get him to listen to me. And although I sure as fucking hell didn't need his approval or respect, I knew Edward did. Edward, despite never admitting it, still wanted his father's acceptance. His guidance.

I took a deep breath before facing Doctor Deacon and Maggie again. The smile was still plastered on my face and I went about my way when Maggie suddenly excused herself to pick up the phone.

I hadn't even heard it ring.

I half expected Doctor Deacon to hightail out of there as soon as she was out of sight but he didn't. He just stood there and although I didn't look at him, I could feel his stare.

It was unnerving. I tried to find the right way to bring this up but the words got stuck in my throat.

"Can I help you with anything?" I eventually asked, my voice even, hoping to kill the awkward silence. It wasn't meant to be rude but I could see the slight narrowing of Doctor Deacon's eyes.

"No, Maggie took care of it. I was only picking up something Esme ordered."

I nodded and busied myself by restocking the shelves with fresh loafs of bread and the glass counter display with an assortment of cookies and cupcakes.

"How have you been, Bella?" Doctor Deacon suddenly asked me, forcing me to stop in my tracks and look at him.

"I'm doing fine," I murmured, not certain how to interpret his question. Was he serious or was there some sort of hidden meaning. Was he being nice?

He nodded and his body language clearly gave away how awkward he felt and how desperately he probably wanted to leave.

"I should probably go. Tell Maggie I said goodbye. Have a good day, Bella."

He was about to step out when I stopped him, thinking of Edward and how uncomfortable he was with the situation with his father. I had to try to get through to him.

"Wait!" I called out. "I have something I want to say and before you walk out or stop me I hope you will let me finish."

He didn't do so much as blink or give any incentive that I should proceed, so I just did.

"I know you hate me and I am okay with that even though I don't think I deserve it…"

"…I don't hate you..." Doctor Deacon interrupted.

"Please, let me finish. Edward chose to change congregations and I know you don't approve of that. I do wish you would see things from his point of view though. He deserves that much. And if you love him, and I'm sure you do, you should reach out and let him know you accept his choices, even if you don't understand them."

"Edward made it very clear he no longer wants anything to do with me."

"That's what he said, yes. But I know he's only trying to be tough. The truth of the matter is, he needs spiritual guidance and we both know I can't give it to him. He made this possibly rash decision to leave something behind that he's been a part of his whole life and now he doesn't have a clue about what to do next."

Doctor Deacon looked at me, frowning. "Well, I am sorry for his confusion but no one forced him to make this choice."

"Except for me, right," I muttered, sarcasm heavy in my words. "Only I could've forced him."

Edward's father shook his head. "I don't think you twisted his arm but his affection for you certainly made him do some… questionable things."

I snorted and couldn't suppress an eye roll. "Seriously? Have you forgotten your own history?" I pointed out. "You gave up things for love and I doubt you regret that. So why can't Edward do the same? Why are you so insistent that he follows the path you chose to abandon? Why put that burden on him?" I asked. "Can't he just be your son? Can't you just support him like a father would?"

Doctor Deacon continued to stare at me as I waited for him to speak. His eyes weren't harsh but the indefinable shine in them didn't exactly betray his true emotions either.

And when he finally did open his mouth the words that came out were unexpected, confusing and downright scary.

"You look so much like your father. The eyes, the attitude," Doctor Deacon murmured.

I stood there, mouth agape, trying to process his words.

_My father? How would Doctor Deacon know about his eyes. More importantly, how would he know any personality traits. The man had been dead for years. Unless he meant..._

_Aro?_

"_Wha-what _did you just say?"

* * *

**I know, more cliffhangers. I'm evil. Trust me, shit is about the hit the fan. As for this chapter: Yes, Edward is very disappointed in Carlisle (and has been for a while) Don't expect (or worry about) him to crawl back to Daddy Deacon, he won't. But as a son, he does miss his dad and Bella recognizes this. That's why she tried to reason with Carlisle. Ball's in his corner now.**

**The Faith, Hope and Solace Center is fictional. It'll be more fleshed out in future chapters to get a better idea of what it's all about.**

**As always, thanks for all the support. It means the world to me. We're nowhere near the end and I am thankful for all your patience!**

**Happy week!**


	51. Holy Shit

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 49: HOLY SHIT**

I always thought I'd be ready when shit would hit that fucking proverbial fan. That my skin was thick enough to serve as a radioactive suit to protect me from the toxic, killing consequences.

But I wasn't ready.

This wasn't like six years before when running had been easy. When running had equaled freedom.

This time it wasn't like that.

It was gut-wrenching. Heartbreaking.

Soul shattering.

_Life taking._

* * *

**EPOV **_– _**earlier in the day**

_Today, we are going to talk about sex._

The words were cursive, elegant and stood out on the black board. As if they belonged there without any type of moderation.

_Sex._

There was anticipation, wrapped in a shroud of mystery. The crowd, larger than usual, was restless and understandably curious. There were people sitting on the broad steps next to the long rows of seats and I noticed people standing at the back of the room.

The abundant presence of students made sense. It wasn't often we got a lecture about a topic so controversial and liberal. Most students probably had no idea what to expect. Admittedly, neither did I.

Professor Kebi Zafrina, with a PhD in Psychology and Theology, was standing at the front of the room, leaning against the lectern, tapping her foot on the floor in an equal but impatient rhythm which echoed through the space as the crowd simmered down and waited for her to start speaking.

She looked rather strict and quite scary with her black hair in a tight bun and a popping red suit with bright red high heels. I was by no means a fashion expert and certainly didn't pay too much attention to women's attire in general –except Bella's - but the look was impossible to miss.

She represented the apple, the sin. The temptation. Perhaps it was symbolic, maybe she always dressed like that. Either way, it was clear to me, and everyone else no doubt, that Professor Zafrina meant business and given the topic she was about to breach, the look certainly attributed to the impression she probably wanted to make.

Professor Zafrina wore a condescending smile as she let her gaze wander over her expectant audience. She seemed to revel in it, drinking it up as she left us waiting. I had no idea where the school had found her, nor if they would still be happy with their choice once she was done.

I noticed a few professors from other classes at the back of the room, none of them wanting to make their presence too obvious. But they were curious too, that much was clear. Maybe the school board had assigned them to keep an eye on her and make sure she wouldn't indoctrinate the student body too much.

The room silenced further as everyone waited. The last whispers disappeared and you could hear a pin drop. And then, almost suddenly and yet fully anticipated, the microphone cracked and her voice, sharp and to the point, echoed through the room.

"Sex isn't bad."

I heard a few audible gasps and a few giggles. Seth, who was sitting next to me, had never looked more invested in a lecture.

"The Catholic Church and sex have often been seen as hostile to each other. I want to present a modern view. A _real_ view."

There was no reaction now, the crowd remained quiet and listened with baited breath as Professor Zafrina continued.

"Catholic morality has been tainted with negative views on sex and sexuality. Let me be blunt; the Catholic Church - through its teaching - represses a healthy Christian sexuality. The reasons are manifold but a primary one is this misplaced enthusiasm for radical purity.

"If I were to hold a poll right now and ask you how many of you have ever had sex, meaning actual intercourse, the results might be shocking. In fact, if I asked you to ask the person next to you if they ever had sex or engaged in sexual activity, the answer might surprise you."

She smiled as she saw some people looking at her in shock, and it almost seemed as if she felt triumphant. Like she enjoyed causing controversy, which she probably did.

"Unfortunately, the situation has not much improved today," the professor continued and the room seemed to relax a little at the fact she wasn't actually going to conduct a poll.

Her dark, near black eyes were wide and shining. She was thriving on the attention as the crowd ate up her every word.

"Church leaders still base official Catholic sexual teaching on outdated views. And from an early age, Catholics are essentially imprinted with an unwarranted sense of guilt. For instance, many have an exaggerated fear of masturbation…

"The focus on purity is so incredibly strong and rigid, it's impossible to break through that specific thought process. For centuries we've been taught that sex before marriage is bad and sex during marriage is meant for procreation only. But we're not supposed to enjoy it. The word orgasm is an expletive."

I watched as some students took notes while others just sat there, taking it all in. A few were downright bored, which probably meant they'd had sex before and didn't share certain shock or surprise at this controversial reveal. The professors from other courses that were listening in didn't give a significant reaction, so perhaps they had known in advance what her lecture would contain. Come to think of it, the school board had probably approved her lecture beforehand.

Professor Zafrina took a sip of water and waited but then, just when the whispers were getting loud and distracting, she spoke again.

"If we're supposed to believe that God represents love and his essence _is_ love, then why would we deny ourselves the joy of sex, which is a true gift? It's not called 'making love' for nothing. I want you to think about that for a moment."

She let that hang for a bit as she sat down on a chair that had been placed on the podium. As she sat, she observed her audience and I had to admit her approach was subtle but effective. She wasn't expecting a transformation of an ancient mindset that had been ingrained into Catholicism for so long; she had simply planted the seed hoping it would blossom with some.

I wasn't in her target group though; at least I didn't consider myself to be.

This woman couldn't 'teach' me to take on a more liberal view on sex. I mean, there was still plenty to learn for me and while Bella and I seemed to be stuck in an exploratory phase with a snail's pace, it had proved to be the best, most comfortable way for me to get acquainted with all the physical and emotional sensations.

And when I thought of what the professor said, how sex wasn't sinful, that it didn't make you impure and that making love was beautiful, I was just left with a sense of confirmation. The rigid views had belonged to a different Edward. A man who'd never considered love, sex and relationships until a few months ago.

Back then the idea of sex would've been unthinkable. To be defiant on the subject and the act of sex would have been impossible. Not to mention the fact the entire concept of sex had been foreign to me until I met Bella.

But I had met Bella. And I actually had some sexual experience. Experience that didn't make me feel dirty or sinful or impure. It was pretty amazing and my own experiences did confirm what the professor was telling us.

Still, I had to admit that lately our physical relationship had stagnated a little. We still engaged in sexual activities like blow- and finger jobs but we'd never gone all the way.

Nor had I ever pleasured her with my mouth.

There was something very intimate about doing that and while I was worried that I wouldn't know what to do and screw it up – in my most ridiculous visions, I would accidentally bite her flesh down there, or sneeze on her or, the worst of all, not bring her pleasure at all - the biggest issue for me was that I had no idea if Bella was ready for it.

See, Bella had used sex as a weapon. As an odd self created protective mechanism to forget about her past. While she may have been physically liberal and cavalier with the act of sex, any level of intimacy had always been absent.

So, it wasn't that ironic or misplaced to worry about whether or not she was ready for it now. It hadn't escaped me that while she was very willing when it came to pleasuring me, she never asked for it in return.

I was lost in thoughts when professor Zafrina suddenly rose and walked back to the lectern.

"I won't make you take polls. I won't ask you personally and embarrass you in front of your peers. I do want to ask you this though; if you claim to be a man or woman of God, why would you deny yourself sex?

"Because it's a sin? How so? It's love in its purest form. A real sinner will commit a sin always, in every aspect of his life, when it benefits him and him alone. Loving someone and showing them with your body is not a sin. It's a celebration of love."

I nodded absentmindedly, letting her words sink in. Not because they were new, but because they gave fruit for thought.

I wanted to celebrate our love with Bella; _make love_ to Bella.

I just had to find the right time and place. Not just because _I_ was inexperienced, but mostly for Bella who deserved it to be special after all the bad experiences with sex she'd had in the past.

We could go somewhere, just the two of us, and I was certain I could initiate the act and that she probably wouldn't stop me if she understood I wanted it. Although, maybe that wasn't the right approach.

Or, maybe I just had to let the moment pick itself. Or have Bella pick the moment. So far she hadn't.

But then, when would that be?

I was well aware that lately we'd both had issues to deal with and it had taken away from any possibility to explore our sexual relationship any further.

I had been on this mission to find a new church and shake off twenty plus years of looking up to and trusting a man who'd rather have someone follow the path he had chosen to abandon than a happy son. The disappointment and the reality of who my father had revealed himself to be and the expectations he had, had weighed heavy on me lately.

Bella at the same time had spent time and energy to grow accustomed to a new buddy in the Redemption Program, she had dealt with sharing more about her past, and last but not the least, a bitter and wallowing boyfriend who had been mourning the loss of an idyllic family life that had never been.

It was time to shake that off. To celebrate our love.

It was time to be proactive. Because you never knew when time would be running out.

* * *

**BPOV**

"Bella, you forgot the timer!"

I turned absentmindedly and found Maggie frowning at me. She wasn't angry; she never got angry, but she did seem impatient and maybe a bit fed up.

"The timer!" she called out again.

The timer?

And then I smelled it. The penetrating smell of smoke and burned cookies.

"Sorry, sorry," I muttered as I turned off the oven and tried to ignore the black smoke that had started to escape and billowed through the kitchen like it was mourning the poor cookies.

"Bella…" Maggie sighed. "What's going on with you today? I have never seen you so distracted before and on edge at the same time."

I felt like apologizing but then I'd already done that more than a few times today so it was beyond making a difference since I kept screwing up anyway.

So instead I let out a deep sigh of frustration. I hated being so incompetent because of something Doctor Deacon had said. The man didn't deserve to have the power to cripple me with his cryptic comments.

Asshole.

_You look so much like your father. The eyes, the attitude._

One. What the fuck did that mean?

Two. How would he know that? It was so fucking specific. Like he knew the man and had the time to compare him to me.

That was fucking impossible. Well… I hoped it fucking was.

Like I said, he was an asshole. He could've at least told me what had spurred him to make such a statement and had he been a decent guy he probably would have.

But since he wasn't a decent guy and he had in fact just walked out without any clarification on his words, I'd been left with a butt load of questions and no answers, which had ruined the rest of my morning and ultimately affected my productivity.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I know it's not my best day."

"Maybe you should leave early so you can relax a bit this afternoon," Maggie suggested warmly.

"But then you'd be all alone," I protested, feeling guilty at the idea.

"I'll be fine, I've been alone plenty of times before. Right now, you're too distracted to function properly and I'd be better off manning the bakery by myself since you're at risk of burning the place down," Maggie teased. "Besides, I know your work ethic. I have no complains. I am sending you home so you can sort out what's been troubling you."

If only this were as simple that I could fix it in one afternoon.

Still, I reluctantly agreed and took off my apron. I grabbed my stuff and wished Maggie goodbye after apologizing to her again and promising to do better the next day.

I was actually kind of relieved to have some time to myself and not having to concentrate on work when my brain was so scattered and decided that maybe a lazy afternoon was just what I needed.

But who the fuck was I kidding. That feeling didn't last beyond a decent fifteen once I got home.

I tried, really. I started dinner but cut my finger when peeling potatoes. I tried reading a book but I kept going back to the same page. I twiddled thumbs and willed time to go faster so Edward would be home sooner but it was useless.

Now that I had time to think, I realized how silly it had been to try and convince Doctor Deacon to respect Edward's choices, especially knowing what I knew now. He was out to destroy his son's life. He'd rather Edward became a priest and fulfill the dream he had never seen come true than for his son to be happy.

And that was all well and good. I mean, he could wish and want but Edward made his own choices now.

But what got to me was the fucking level of manipulation this man used - well tried to - to get what he wanted.

He had brought my past into this. A past few people knew about.

I couldn't fucking imagine that Doctor Deacon actually knew about my father. Whether he'd meant Aro or Charlie, it was simply impossible. Not unless he had deliberately searched for it.

I shuddered and shook my head at my own naiveté. It was pretty likely Doctor Deacon had hired a PI. Perhaps he had googled me. Heck, maybe it had been the other way around and Aro had been the one to approach him.

If that were the case, if Doctor Deacon knew of Aro's existence, or worse, knew Aro personally, then I was essentially fucking doomed. I'd have to leave Seattle; I'd have to run again.

Worst of all, I'd have to leave Edward. Just thinking of it made breathing hard, like I was suffocating. The idea of being away from Edward was incomprehensible. I could handle living in a dump, selling my body on the street and fuck, even getting fucked from behind wasn't as bad as losing Edward.

He was my life now.

I sighed and looked at the clock again but time hadn't sped up. I contemplated whether or not to just call Edward and ask him to come home. But I decided against it because he'd already missed plenty of classes because of all my drama. Also, I didn't want to give him another reason to add to the "I hate my dad" list. He was wallowing about that enough as it was.

Feeling trapped inside the apartment and inside my own mind, I decided to go for a walk, hoping that would take my mind off things and clear my head.

I grabbed my coat and a satchel that held my wallet, identification and my phone. I locked up and slid my keys inside the bag as well.

I walked aimlessly for a while but without a specific destination, my thoughts had enough room to take over and push my anxiety to the forefront again.

I thought about going to the community center to see Alice. Her exuberance would surely distract me from worrying, but it wasn't quite what I wanted. Angela and Rosalie were at work and casually dropping by the Cullen house to see Esme was a laughable stretch given the source of my inner turmoil.

When I had actually considered the idea of stopping by Cowgirls to say hi to Jasper, I knew my desperation at a proper distraction was too big and the need to be buried in Edward's arms too acute to deny myself. And so, as I walked and braced myself against the chilly breeze, I navigated to the campus of Edward's school.

His very religious school.

I noticed a bench in the middle of a field, right across from a Starbucks and decided to wait for Edward there because it gave me a decent overview of this part of the campus.

Since I knew Edward's last class would end in about thirty minutes, I figured I could call him then to let him know where I was so he could come meet me. At least he was close by now.

I sat on that bench for a while, basically freezing my ass off and lost in my thoughts and worries when I heard someone call my name.

I turned and was surprised to find Edward's blonde haired, blue eyed, pleasantly smiling dissertation counselor standing there.

Kate.

I wanted to frown at the sight of her and cringed a little at her obvious "peppiness" but managed a smile anyway.

Of all the people that could "help" me take my mind off things.

"Hey there, Bella. It's good to see you."

"Kate," I greeted her. "Nice to see you too."

I really couldn't care less but I wasn't about to show her that.

"I am not used to seeing you here."

No kidding. I was _never _here. I hated her cheap attempt at small talk and kind of wished she would just walk away. She didn't know me, we weren't friends. We'd met once, for fuck sake. If this was the universe's way to provide me a distraction, the universe was cruel and fucked up.

Actually, in that context it made perfect sense.

And, of course, Kate didn't leave.

"Mind if I sit? I have an hour until a staff meeting and it's very nice out."

Was she fucking kidding me? My nipples were falling off and she thought it was nice out? Still, I shrugged because I didn't really have a choice which Kate took as an invite.

"How have you been, Bella?" she asked me, her voice still full of that "professional" pleasantness that irritated me so much.

And how was I supposed to answer that question anyway? _I am fucking swell, Kate. Let's be besties so I can share all the gory details about the shit filled day I am having. _

"I'm fine." I offered her politely.

We remained silent after that, conversation stagnant because our minds and personalities were so different. She didn't know how to approach me; I didn't care to talk to her which resulted in a butt load of awkward tension hanging between us.

Kate was the first to break the silence. "You're here to see Edward," she guessed in another attempt to get me to talk.

I wanted to roll my eyes at her but forced myself to behave. I was all too aware of how she had acted towards Edward during their last meeting and how she didn't agree with his choice to find a new church. And just like some other people who were very demanding of Edward – _cough Doctor Deacon_ - I was sure she fucking blamed me. Even if she'd never say the words aloud.

"Yes, he should be done soon."

"I think his group had a special guest lecturer today, so he might be a little late," Kate mused.

I couldn't tell if she was being nice or trying to freaking one up me by thinking I wasn't aware of said lecture.

Because I knew all about it, since Edward had talked about it.

**FLASHBACK**

_"It's about sex?" I chuckled, teasing Edward a little as he put a binder into his backpack and looked over a few loose pieces of paper before stuffing them in there as well._

_"Don't start," he warned me halfheartedly. "This is really kind of embarrassing."_

_Talking about sex in a school that taught religion. The irony was amusing to me._

_Edward noticed this because it was difficult to hide my smirk._

_"Bella stop," he warned me again but there was a smirk playing on his lips as well so I figured he wasn't angry._

_"It's not embarrassing, it's funny. Maybe I should join you. I know all about the subject after all," I teased._

_Edward put on his jacket, grabbed his bag and leaned in to place a kiss on my forehead._

_"As tempting as that is, I don't think it would be a good idea. You're a distraction."_

_I gasped in mock horror. "I am not."_

_Edward smirked and pressed his lips to mine but before I could deepen the kiss, he pulled away and tugged on my hand._

_"We better go."_

_"Or we stay in and I give you a very special lecture about sex." I winked._

_Edward frowned a little and for a moment I worried my comment had gone too far but then he leaned in once more to kiss me, muttering "Too tempting" before his lips found mine._

**END FLASHBACK**

"The sex lecture," I replied to Kate, shaking off the memory from this morning, one of the few moments this week where Edward had been playful and not turned into himself and wallowing.

"He told you." Kate sounded surprised which really did make me want to roll my eyes now.

"Of course he did. I'm his girlfriend, he tells me everything," I said pointedly, fingering the silver necklace with the infinity symbol that Edward had given me for Christmas.

Kate noticed this. "That's a pretty necklace."

It wasn't "pretty"; it was beautiful.

"Thanks."

"From Edward?"

I nodded.

"You two must be serious," she murmured. The professional smile was gone, Kate's expression morphed into a mask of neutrality and politeness, like she found it difficult not to say something that would overstep my boundaries.

"We are," I said coolly.

"Has Edward been successful in finding a new church yet?"

I really didn't feel like it was my place to tell her. It was up to Edward to decide what he'd share with her. So I gave a vague non confirming answer.

"He's looking into it."

She nodded and looked away, which gave me time to pull out my phone to check the time, so I could determine whether or not I could call Edward already and free myself from this social hell.

But then, when I noticed it was near 3:30 PM and he had to be finished soon, I decided against calling him, figuring that would be rude and kind of awkward with Kate sitting right there. I mean, I could have called him to overdo the sweet, gooey girlfriend routine and make her cringe, but I opted against it.

Instead, I sent Edward a text message.

**I'm sitting on a bench across from the Starbucks on your campus, freezing my ass off while Kate is trying to make conversation. Please come and save me as soon as your last class of the day is over. XX Bella**

I put my phone away, hoping Kate wouldn't ask me about it or feel offended by my lack of attention. But Kate hadn't even noticed what I'd done because her attention was now focused elsewhere.

Her gaze now rested on something in the distance and as my eyes landed on what she was looking at, I noticed her attention had been captured by a man. His face was obscured but he was tall and had broad shoulders. He was wearing black dress pants and a grey sports jacket with an off white scarf wrapped around his neck to protect him from the biting wind.

"Oh wow." Kate gasped. "He's here again. I haven't seen him in a while."

I frowned, having no idea what she was talking about and shrugged. Her eyes were wide but looked sort of happy, or giddy. Her body language betrayed that she was interested in this guy.

I was about to ask her who the man was - her reaction had made me curious - when he turned and it was my turn to gasp.

Cool blue eyes and sandy hair that was still longer. Lips that curled into a smirk when he spotted me.

Or maybe the gesture was meant for Kate, I wasn't sure.

I tried to keep my breathing under control so I wouldn't alarm Kate but it was fucking tough because the panic was building like a rising tide.

Demetri was here in Seattle. Again. Or _still_. And he was just a few feet away.

The smirk disappeared suddenly and he frowned before reaching into the pocket of his jacket and pulling out his phone.

He looked away as he answered it and I became mesmerized by the way his lips moved so rapidly until I snapped out of it and watched Demetri putting his phone away. He looked up again, his eyes meeting mine and narrowing. The smirk was gone and replaced with a deep frown.

And then he started moving our way.

He walked swiftly and looked suave, his eyes never leaving mine as the panic inside built and threatened to erupt.

Why was he back? What did he want? Had that been Aro calling him. Did he know I was here? My thoughts were scattered and all over the place as my mind raced a mile a minute while my body protested to stay calm. My heart was thundering and I could feel little drops of sweat forming on the back of my neck. I fought against the urge to let the panic take over and force me into a curled up ball of Bella on the floor.

I took a deep breath and tried – "tried" being the operative but ineffective term here - to gather my thoughts.

Amidst the chaos, I concluded that Demetri's return meant Aro was here too, or at least knew where I was. It tied in with Doctor Deacon's comments on how much I looked like my father. He had meant Aro. For some reason he must have been in contact with him and now Demetri was here to come and get me.

And my wishful thinking from earlier, where I'd tried to convince myself that maybe Doctor Deacon's comments had been nothing more than a calculated form of manipulation were a joke now.

I should've fucking taken it as a warning.

"Do you know that man?" I croaked, my voice squeaky and high, which captured Kate's attention long enough so that she averted her eyes from Demetri's approaching form and looked at me questioningly.

She ignored my question and asked one of her own.

"Bella, are you alright?"

I wanted to tell her no but decided against it. "How do you know that man?" I asked her again and this time she answered.

"Oh, uh… we talked a few times at the coffee place over there." She pointed at the Starbucks across the street. "I don't know his name though. We usually talk about the weather and books, since I am always carrying one. But it's not like we sit at the same table. It's kind of weird actually when you think of it."

I wasn't thinking of it, I wasn't even paying attention to the details she was sharing with me. All I could think about was how Demetri had been in town following me, and given this specific location, there was a good chance he'd been following Edward too.

Demetri was close enough now and I knew I was out of time. I either remained in place and confronted him or I ran.

It was like déjà vu. Demetri watching me while I fled.

My survival instinct kicked in and I ran, leaving Kate to call after me while I hoped Demetri wouldn't follow me. Maybe Kate could distract him long enough for me to make an escape.

I didn't dare look back to see what would happen. Just like six years before.

* * *

**EPOV**

"That was freaking bizarre," Seth muttered as we walked down the stairs and into the large hallway that led to the exit of the building. I had to walk all the way to the other side of campus to get to the parking lot where I'd parked the Volvo.

When I'd bought the car, I had hoped Bella would drive it, but she was still waiting for her new license to be approved. While I'd never tell her, I personally believed she used that as an excuse not to drive it. A valid excuse for the moment but eventually she'd have a new license again and I had my doubts if she would want to drive the car even then.

Anyway, her reluctance was my gain because I was actually getting quite used to the luxury of having transportation that didn't consist of a shaky iron frame and two tires that needed to be pumped up every few days.

I did use the Volvo to drive to school, although there was no parking lot for students, which forced me to park a few streets away.

"Edward, are you listening, man?"

I looked at Seth and nodded, trying to get into the one-sided conversation about the lecture on Sex and Catholicism we'd just had.

"Is it weird she was kind of hot in a strange bondage type, S and M kind of way?"

I shrugged. Seth stereo-typing her that way wasn't that original.

"I think what she said was interesting," I offered. "But I didn't see anything... uh kinky about it."

Seth rambled on about how he wouldn't mind a one on one lecture from her and his sexual innuendo, while a little distasteful, underlined his reaction to the professor's words. Apparently it was entirely normal for a group of twenty something to allow their mind into the gutter after the type of lecture we had.

As I tried to pay attention to my friend - he sort of was, at least around here on campus - I pulled out my phone. It was strictly a habit because Bella often texted me during the day.

There was one new text and I tried to hide the smile that threatened to break out when I noticed it was in fact from Bella.

But the content was rather confusing.

**I'm sitting on a bench across from the Starbucks on your campus, freezing my ass off while Kate is trying to make conversation. Please come and save me as soon as your last class of the day is over. XX Bella**

I frowned as I read the text again. Bella was here? On campus? She had never been here; it surprised me a little she had even been able to find it. And while the tone in her text was more teasing and sarcastic than distressed, I couldn't help but wonder why she was here. For one, she was normally at work around this time of day, and two, there had to be an urgent reason for us to meet up if she was waiting somewhere around here for me instead of at home.

"Everything okay?" Seth asked and I nodded.

"Yes, I just have to go. My girlfriend is waiting for me at Starbucks, so..."

Seth nodded. "Cool. Is she the brunette I spotted you with at the supermarket that one time? Bella?"

I nodded.

"Well, you better get going then. I'll see you later, man."

"Later" in his words basically meant "whenever".

I nodded, bade him a quick goodbye and started walking towards the Starbucks that was located on the south side of campus, continuing to wonder and worry about why Bella was here.

Maybe there was a good reason; maybe there was no need for me to be distressed. Things had slowed down at the bakery after the holidays, so maybe Bella had left early and decided to surprise me. I didn't understand how Kate factored in, but I was soon to find out.

Except that when I arrived at the Starbucks and crossed the field to the bench Bella had referred to in her text, I noticed _she_ wasn't there.

My first reaction was to check my phone to see if maybe she had texted me to let me know she had gone inside of the Starbucks to wait for me, or had gone to a different meeting spot, but when I found Kate standing by said bench with a man I recognized to be Demetri, I realized that while I didn't have the details yet, I was pretty certain I wouldn't find Bella with them.

As I picked up the pace and rushed over to Kate and Demetri, I got the impression they were chatting casually but when I got closer, I noticed there was tension between them. Kate looked nervous and fidgety while Demetri seemed tense. His jaw was clenched and he had his lips pressed into a polite but small smile. One foot was tapping on the grass impatiently as he was fingering his scarf. He definitely didn't want to be there.

When I was close enough, I called out to Kate, who turned and smiled at me... _looking relieved_.

"Edward, hi. You just missed Bella."

I nodded but kept my eyes planted on Demetri. He tried to remain indifferent; an attitude that screamed pretense as if to say "we've never met before".

While I had no desire to play along, I also didn't want Kate to know about the connection between Bella and this man and so I ignored him and focused on Kate.

"Did she say where she was going?"

Kate shook her head. "No, she seemed to be in a hurry though. It was rather strange because she told me she was waiting here for you. She looked kind of… panicked."

On the inside, my anxiety was building up at Kate's definition of Bella's behavior but on the outside I forced myself to keep it together.

So, I shrugged at Kate's concern, acting as though Bella's behavior wasn't unusual. "I think she said she had an appointment somewhere else this afternoon, maybe she ran out of time and couldn't wait for me any longer. And she hates running late, so perhaps that's why it seemed like she was panicked."

It was a flimsy, transparent lie and Kate didn't buy it. I could see it in her eyes. But just when she was about to verbalize her doubt, her phone rang, which effectively absolved me from further lame explanations.

When Kate noticed who it was, she excused herself and walked away, bidding both Demetri and me goodbye before she answered her phone.

"You lied to her," he commented dryly when she was out of earshot.

"So did you, I'm sure," I shot back.

We stood there, sizing each other up like two boxers in a ring. Eyes narrowed, until his lips relaxed into a grin. "Touché. How have you been, Edward?"

"Bella saw you," I stated, not in the mood to exchange pleasantries with this man. I had to know the details of his presence now, so I could leave to find Bella. There was no doubt that seeing Demetri in Seattle, after he promised he would keep his distance, would be extremely upsetting. And an upset, highly emotional Bella could be an impulsive Bella.

"Yes. I am afraid she did. I think I scared her off," he confirmed my worries and I detected a hint of honest regret in his voice.

The sentiment was wasted on me though. I rolled my eyes and flashed him a glare. "I seem to remember you promised Bella you would leave Seattle. Based on how I just saw you interact with Kate as if you know her, I take it that was a lie. You never left, did you? You've been keeping an eye on Bella all along, haven't you?"

He didn't even deny it.

"Yes, I have."

"So the house and the money you gave her were a trap. _He_ knows she's here and that's why you stayed. Because _he_ is ordering you to. You lied to Bella when you told her you were protecting her from _him_ by lying about her whereabouts. He knows where she is doesn't he?" I demanded angrily. "You played her."

Demetri shook his head and his eyes narrowed. His mouth formed into a straight angry line.

"If by _him_ you mean Aro, then you are mistaken. If he knows about Isabella being in Seattle, it didn't come from me. Believe it or not, Edward, I am on Isabella's side."

My blood started boiling at his statement.

"If that's true then you'd prove it and leave her alone. Leave _us_ alone." I seethed. "She's finally getting her life in order. She doesn't need to be stalked by you. If you aren't lying then go. _We-_" I emphasized the word "-Don't need you here to be on Bella's side. She is better off without you creeping about."

"I am sorry but I can't leave. Not right now."

"Why not?" I practically shouted.

"I can't tell you," Demetri said, his voice raising a few octaves as well. A few students looked our way and Demetri shot them a threatening glare, which caused them to move along.

"You better tell me."

"There are things you don't know. Things about Bella..." he started.

His words were like a red rag to a bull.

I wasn't naturally violent, nor did I understand the thrill or urge to hurt someone, but I wanted to beat this man. Attack and fight him like two wrestlers in a ring, right in this public place, even if I risked causing a scene and exposure that way.

His deflections were so typical and reminded me of my father and that only angered me more. All the mystery, the lies, the evasions. For what?

Of course, that's when it hit me.

"You know my father."

A curt nod.

Demetri was one of the mystery men.

"Come with me, Edward. There are some things you have to know."

* * *

**BPOV **

**FLASHBACK**

_The commotion downstairs was distracting me. I had to finish translating five freaking pages from Latin into Italian. Out of all the school assignments one could do, this had to be the most pretentious, but the noise that crept up here from down below kept breaking through my concentration._

_I was tempted to go and check it out but just as I put my homework aside and got up from my desk, the door to my room flew open and Demetri stood there, his eyes more frantic than I had ever seen them. He was always so calm and collected but now his eyes were filled with an unfamiliar emotion. Panic. It was a bizarre sight._

_"Little one, there is some trouble downstairs, so you need to stay in your room. Okay? Promise me?"_

_He sounded so desperate._

_My instinct told me something was very wrong and the urge to find out what it was, was strong. But I knew Demetri probably wouldn't tell me so I didn´t bother. I nodded and flashed him a meek smile._

_The shouting got louder and the commotion intensified. Demetri looked over his shoulder and then back to me before he entered my room completely and closed the door behind him. When he spoke, his voice was harsh but his eyes were soft._

_"Look, Aro screwed up with something and there's a good chance the police are on their way to try and arrest him. It could get dangerous. You can't leave your room, okay? Wait here until I come back to tell you it's safe."_

_I frowned in confusion. Why was the police here for Aro? How had he screwed up? Did they know... about... what he did to me...? And if so, would they take me away? And where would I end up if that happened?_

_The list of questions was growing with every second that passed but I knew Demetri wouldn't allow me to fire all of them at him. He hated it when I asked questions. _

_"Demetri, what if the police... finds me?"_

_"Little one, please… no questions."_

_"Tell me," I demanded stubbornly._

_Demetri frowned. "Then they'll take you away."_

_I nodded weakly. That's what I had figured._

_Demetri turned back to the door and opened it. It seemed calmer now. The shouting had stopped which made him relax a little. But then we heard it; the sound of sirens that were getting closer._

_Demetri drew the gun he kept in a holster attached to his torso._

_"Stay in your room, little one. Hide in your closet if you have to."_

_The door slammed behind him. But he didn't lock it._

**END FLASHBACK**

I hadn't followed his advice. The moment Demetri had walked out and I was alone, I'd raced to the closet he'd told me to hide in if necessary, and had gotten out the old duffel bag that I'd brought with me when Renée and I had moved in with Aro. I had thrown in the most practical clothes I had, clothes I didn't wear often – Aro was a fan of skirts and dresses for obvious reasons - like jeans and shirts and had put on the one hoodie I owned.

Looking back, I had no idea how I'd actually managed to pull it off. I had packed up the clothes and my phone – which I had tossed out later when I had realized it was a way for Aro to track me - raided my secret jar of cash that I had saved up over the years and had grabbed my passport from the bedside table. I had put it there after we'd gotten back from a ski trip a week prior. Normally Aro kept important documents in his safe and I had expected him to get it back from me, but he never had.

It had been pure luck. My one chance to escape.

If I had stayed and the police had found me, I would've traded in one prison for another because I was a minor. They would've placed me in foster care or some type of home with other boys and girls my age and that would've been almost as bad as being trapped inside hell with an unpredictable monster like Aro. I would've been stuck with kids my age who had their own share of problems. And kids could be just as cruel as adults and loved a scapegoat. I had no doubt I would've been their scapegoat; their object of harrassment because that had been my part to play most of my life. All in all I had been better off on the run.

So I had done just that. Cool as a cucumber I had snuck down the stairs, breaking my promise to Demetri with every step I inched closer to the back door. There was usually a guard there but that day he had gone to the front of the house because that's where all the fuss had been.

I had reached the door to freedom when Demetri had popped up out of nowhere just when I'd opened the door with my bag loosely slung over my shoulder. I had expected him to stop me and put me back in my golden cage, but he didn't.

With one curt nod and a small wave he'd given me my freedom.

**FLASHBACK**

_I kept running even though my feet were tired and I was out of breath. My lungs were burning and my heart was hammering in my chest. I repressed the urge to look over my shoulder, knowing that would break my stride. But so far it didn't look like someone was coming after me. It was quiet and I was relieved that it was close to twilight. The looming darkness would make it harder to notice a running girl. I passed houses I had never seen before and streets I'd never walked. I was in a part of Chicago I didn't recognize but then, I'd always been so protected, it made sense this was all new to me._

_After a while I slowed down and my running became a brisk walking. I was hungry and getting tired and the darkness was falling around me like a thick, pitch black blanket. I wasn't scared of the dark – the monster I had faced for years was far worse than that - but it did make navigating much more difficult._

_I had no idea of where to go. I just wanted to be as far away from Aro as possible._

_I wanted to be at the other end of the world._

**END FLASHBACK**

Ultimately I had only made it to the other side of the country. Seattle. And now, after six years, I was forced to leave again.

I took a deep breath and willed the bus to go faster. I tried to calm down and estimate how long it would be before Demetri managed to track and catch me.

There were only two more stops before we'd leave the inner city limits.

Edward would want to find me too, but he was less savvy so I didn't expect him to beat Demetri to it.

Edward. The temptation to call him was extreme and ignoring his calls and texts was unbearable.

But this was the right thing to do. This would protect him from Aro and Demetri.

I silently let tears stain my cheeks as I switched off my phone and stuffed it deep into my bag.

The bus stopped and people got off. Others got on. Then we started driving again. One more stop and we'd reach the outer limits and the interstate 5 to Portland.

I always thought I'd be ready when shit would hit that fucking proverbial fan. That my skin was thick enough to serve as a radioactive suit to protect me from the toxic, killing consequences.

But I wasn't ready.

This wasn't like six years before when running had been easy. When running had equaled freedom.

This time it wasn't like that at all.

This time it was gut wrenching. Heart breaking.

Soul shattering.

_Life taking._

My fingers trembled as I pressed the STOP button.

* * *

**EPOV**

"Nice car."

I said nothing and kept my eyes on the road. Demetri in the passenger seat made me nervous. One tug at the wheel and the car would spiral out of control. I had to trust him enough to have him in my car but I didn't have to trust him enough to let him drive.

At least I was in some form of control.

"Your father is expecting us," Demetri broke the silence again.

He had called my father as we'd walked to the Volvo and we were on our way to the hospital now to meet with him.

I hoped to get some answers because the questions had only built up since I had figured out the association between Demetri and my father.

I sighed and ignored Demetri's questioning gaze.

"This must be difficult for you as well," he muttered.

I continued to ignore him but he did have a point. This was difficult. Not on the same level as Bella, mind you, but I wasn't used to this type of intrigue, and truth be told, it was all kinds of exhausting. I just wanted to go home and be with Bella, but the desire to get answers - answers I could share with her - and curiosity at how all these puzzle pieces fit together was a good motivator.

I had called Bella a few times, while Demetri had called my father but she hadn't answered. I'd sent two texts with no response from her. That was bad and made me worry that in her panic and driven solely by emotions, she would do something dramatic

Like run.

I tried to convince myself she wasn't that person anymore. I was certain she was freaking out and that she was worried about Demetri's presence but she hadn't run from him before when we'd seen him during the charity ball so she might not feel the need to do it now. And surely she wouldn't leave without contacting me first.

_Really, Bella wasn't that person anymore,_ I told myself. She wouldn't just leave.

Still, there was no time to waste though. I wanted some answers from my father and Demetri, but only so I could try and reassure Bella if it turned out Demetri was on her side, or… if he was lying we could run away together, if that's what she wanted.

I stepped on the gas and concentrated on getting to the hospital. Demetri didn't try to strike up a conversation again.

When we arrived I searched for a parking space, which wasn't an easy find in the middle of the day. But luck seemed to be on my side because a spot opened up right next to the front entrance and I parked swiftly, got out and practically ran into the building, not even checking if Demetri was following me or not.

The door to my father's office was closed and I opened it without knocking and found him - the man I had looked up to and trusted for so long - pacing back and forth, his brow creased in worry.

He looked older somehow. Different. Like someone I truly didn't know anymore.

He halted when he spotted me and started to open his mouth and speak, but Demetri stopped him.

"Carlisle, hold on."

It was strange to hear this man utter my father's name and not exactly know what the connection was.

Demetri closed the door to the office and pushed his body against it, as if that would prevent anyone from entering.

He gave my father a nod and told him to proceed.

"Edward, I know you must have a lot of questions," my father spoke gently. He sounded sincere but just like Demetri's sincerity when it came to Bella, the feeling was lost on me. Too much had happened.

He was right though, I did have a lot of questions and it was hard to decide which one to ask first.

"And I assure you, we'll answer them all. But you have to know I only did this behind your back to protect you," he offered.

And the sincerity was gone. He was making excuses again.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, because nothing says protect your son like selling the woman he loves out to a molester and his bodyguard. Gee, Dad, thanks a lot," I said sarcastically.

My father seemed confused by my comment but then it hit him. "You didn't tell him?" he asked Demetri.

"Tell me what?" I asked impatiently.

Before my father could answer, Demetri spoke. "A few years ago I was approached by the FBI. They've wanted to catch and put Aro away for a long time. He has been the axis in a seedy underbelly of drug transports, human trafficking and corruption all over the world."

My mouth must have dropped a bit.

"Because I was part of his inner circle, they asked me. I wanted to refuse at first, because I trust the FBI about as much as I do Aro, but then I thought of Bella and how the only way she'd ever see justice was if I cooperated with the people who wanted to lock Aro up…

"So, I continued to play the part of the loyal body guard while I fed the FBI information, kept an eye on Bella and made sure Aro wouldn't find out where she was."

"Well, you sure managed to protect Bella," I grumbled. "All you've done is bring her stress and reminders of a time she really wants to forget." I spat.

Demetri frowned but didn't say a word.

"And how is it that you've been helping the FBI for years and they still haven't managed to put him away? How many victims will it take before they lock up that monster and throw away the key?" I spoke bitterly.

"Edward, please. While I know you're upset, we have little time for these types of discussions," my father said.

"Don't you start!" I warned, raising my voice as I turned to face my father. "You've hated Bella all along."

"I know you believe that and I admit there was a time when I did have issues with your closeness…"

"Please, save me the sob story. You hate Bella," I interrupted him. "So tell me, what is your part in all this? Are you working with the freaking FBI too? Is that what you've been keeping from Mom?"

My father sighed but didn't deny it. "I had no choice. It's crucial that we don't get too many people involved. I couldn't tell her."

I snorted. "How very secret agent of you. But that doesn't really answer my question."

Demetri spoke before my father could.

"Your father is involved because one of Aro's associates has been in Seattle."

"What do you have to do with that?" I asked my father, ignoring Demetri.

"It's Monsignor Laurent," he declared simply.

"He's been in Seattle? I thought they dealt with him in New Orleans? Father Masen said he was out of control and that they'd handle it there."

"They failed to do so effectively," Demetri declared. "Monsignor Claude Laurent was hanging around strip clubs in Seattle. The FBI tracked him through his credit card. Out of control is putting it mildly. He engaged in serious criminal activity."

"Such as?"

"He drugged a few girls and tried to have sex with them. He was successful once and raped one at a place called Cowgirls," Demetri said, his expression bitter.

_Cowgirls._

"No way…" I whispered.

"Yes, Bella's former _workplace_," Demetri grumbled. "I believe you know the owner of that place. Jasper Hale."

"He's an acquaintance," I murmured. "The girl who got raped…"

"I think you know," Demetri said solemnly.

"Bella…" I whispered. I tried to force down the bitter taste of bile that was threatening to push itself up at the thought of that man… doing those things…

"Laurent is Aro's cousin," Demetri continued. "And Aro made sure Rome would block St. Patrick's recommendation for a censure of suspension."

"Father Masen and I were brought in just in case Monsignor Laurent would show up in Seattle again, like he did before. The FBI figured we could help catch him, which could've also led to Aro's arrest. You see, these issues with the church are part of a larger investigation," my father added.

"Yes. This is part of a broader, separate case about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church that a few agents have been working on," I heard Demetri say. "Aro is involved in that too. But we have no time to go into detail now."

It was information overload and there was only so much I could take.

"He lectured at my school…" I murmured distractedly, as I thought of how a man of God, a cleric, someone who'd vowed to serve Him… had raped the woman I loved.

He'd been physically close in ways to her I hadn't and while I didn't envy him the brutality and wanted to harm him in violent, ugly ways, there was also the realization that this person, who represented something I had wanted to represent once too had so brutally hurt the love of my life.

Was I supposed to forgive that? Would He? Was there a limit to His kindness and fairness about His judgment when He had handed Bella such a… shitty deal, while monsters like Aro and Laurent walked around freely?

I thought of how Laurent had forced her… from behind… the way Angela had described it… I remembered a battered and broken Bella in a hospital bed, looking so fragile and in pain…

It was too much.

I started gagging and would've thrown up on the floor had Demetri not pushed a trashcan under my nose.

For a few moments the room was only filled with the sounds of my physical distress and my shallow breathing as I tried to come to grips with this. But it was impossible. My mind couldn't stop replaying images of a suffering Bella who got raped. Screaming, thrashing, hurting and slowly being destroyed by these monsters.

Aro. Laurent.

How was she still able to function?

Up until now the concept of Aro molesting her and the knowledge of her rape had left me with common emotions like sadness and anger but my brain and my emotions had never truly comprehended what had happened.

But now that it turned out that it was all part of something very close to the highest seat of Catholicism, of the Divine, and at the same time led back to something small and fragile like _my_ Bella, who's family had never protected her, who had always been alone, it was like it finally hit me.

The irony of believing in an institution that allowed such brutality. How could I support that? How could my father support that?

Silent tears dripped down my chin and I wanted nothing more but to give into this newfound sorrow. The anger. All of it.

"He's losing it," Demetri sighed when the gagging wouldn't stop. "And we can't afford that right now. Carlisle, we need him to make sure she doesn't run."

I felt my father pull me away from the floor and guide me to the sofa that was situated in the middle of his office. He left my side for a moment but then returned and handed me a paper cup with water and forced me to drink.

"Edward," he said gently but firmly. "I need you to go home to Bella. You have to make sure she's alright."

I laughed and it sounded manic. "She probably thinks Aro is in town, so I doubt she's alright. Maybe she's gone by now."

"You have to stop her!" Demetri said angrily. "This is all going haywire. We are this close to putting him behind bars. But we need Isabella for that."

"What does that mean?"

"Edward, go home, go to Bella. We'll talk about the rest later," my father urged me.

"She has to know. What you did," I pointed at Demetri. "About Laurent," I added in a disgusted whisper.

"Later," my father urged. "Right now, you need to go home to make sure she's alright."

Another laugh bubbled from my lips. "That's the first time you're encouraging me to be with her."

A grim smile formed on my father's lips. "Perhaps you need to drive him," he suggested to Demetri. I would but I am on call."

Demetri nodded. "Right. Let's go."

I rose on autopilot and followed him as he opened the door. Then, when he suddenly halted I had to catch myself before bumping into him from behind.

"Sorry," I muttered, but Demetri seemed to be focused solely on whatever was behind the door.

I looked over his shoulder and noticed a man in his late forties. His hair was dark brown and he looked a little rugged because he hadn't shaved in a while.

He wasn't as tall as Demetri or me, but there was still something intimidating about him.

I focused on his attire. Black jeans, unpolished shoes and a trench coat.

I had seen that coat before.

And while I had never seen those eyes, they looked scarily familiar. Brown, golden specks. Molten chocolate.

But harsher, less friendly and warm than the ones I was used to.

The ones I longed for.

"I've seen you," I murmured in shock.

Demetri let out a deep sigh and ushered the man in. "We might as well tell him that too," he grumbled.

"Tell me what?" I asked. "Who are you and why have you been following Bella and me?"

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew the answer because those eyes were unmistakably Bella's.

"Edward, meet Charlie Swan. Bella's father."

* * *

**Okay...I'm going to sit here in silence and hope that shit won't come back to hit my fan. Just an FYI: Charlie was always going to be alive, I didn't make that up as BIG SHOCK! alone and there is obviously more to it. We're scratching a new surface here.**

**Anyway, I am letting this chapter speak for itself and get back to writing the next one. That one will be BIG for Bella and Edward. (Hint: when life gives you lemons, you can't wait more than 50 chapters to use them)**

**On a more serious note. I am writing a brand new story/ one shot for this: fandomcause(dot)info(slash)our-cause/ It's a great cause. Please donate and/or join!**

**As always I want to thank people who have stuck with BOTW (and me), all the people who are just discovering it and all the lovely reviews I get every time. It truly means the world :)**

**I am on Twitter, follow at your own risk: (at)bronzehyperion**

**Have a happy week!**

**PS: Re the title of this chapter: Credit goes to ****ShroomRavioli** :)


	52. Brave Souls

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 50: BRAVE SOULS**

_"Hey kid..."_

_I buried my face into the fabric of my hoodie, as my head rested against the window. Maybe if I pretended to be asleep, I would be left alone._

_But no such luck, because the voice, gruff and masculine but not unkind, actually dared to reach out and touch me, which of course startled me and killed my plan of pretend-slumber instantly._

_"Kid."_

_I looked up and into the face of a middle aged man in an Amtrak uniform. He looked friendly enough, kind of what I imagined a grandfather to look like, but I didn't enjoy the way he was hovering over me. He was too close._

_"Yes?" I croaked, my voice hoarse because the air was dry and I hadn't spoken for at least a day. Only in my head had there been an abundance of dialogue and snarky comments related to the people I'd been observing. Strangers, who were on the road like me, who didn't pay me the attention I paid them._

_"We're reaching Portland Central soon. That's our last stop."_

_His hint was obvious. I had to get out._

_Portland… I suppose it was a start. It wasn't far enough yet but it would have to do for now._

_"Okay," I said, clutching the duffel bag as I waited for the train to reach its final destination._

_When it pulled into Portland Union Station and I got out, there was a moment of disorientation. The central hall was crowded and people didn't pay any attention to where they were going, which resulted in a lot of bumping and pushing me out of the way._

_The brusqueness shocked me but at least it made me more alert and attuned to my surroundings. The feeling of exhaustion dissipated a little but not enough to feel wide awake. And without any kind of decent sleep, it remained hard to keep my focus._

_My anxiety had kept me energized for the most part these past few days but slowly the lack of proper sleep was starting to affect me._

_Between bumpy train rides, being on edge and the necessary transfers, I had only managed to doze off a little every now and then._

_The large clock that was situated above the main entrance told me it was just past noon, which meant I had travelled most of the night._

_I followed the signs that guided me out of the station and wandered around a bit, thinking I needed to eat something or at least get some coffee to keep myself awake so that I could properly plan my next move._

_I had been on the road for almost two days now which was longer than I had expected when I had first ran. It was still baffling to think I had made it this far. Of course, the farther away I got from Chicago the more I wanted this plan to work. It would be hell to go back._

_The kind of hell I wouldn't survive this time._

**END FLASHBACK**

"Miss?"

The cab driver looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer him.

"Hmm, sorry?"

"This is as far as I go. The inner city is out of my district. Sorry."

I nodded and pulled some bills from my wallet and gave them to the guy, who was really no older than me and looked like he made long hours and earned no more than the minimum wage, judging from the bags under his eyes and the price he had asked me to pay.

"It's okay," I said as I got out.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up at the darkening sky. "It's going to be okay."

* * *

**EPOV**

People weren't born evil. Every person, at birth, was good. Pure.

Innocent.

That's what I had always firmly believed. But now I knew there was a nuance there. I knew that evil was real and that some people just were.

Evil.

Aro was evil and so was Laurent.

_Monsignor_ Laurent; a man of God. A man of God who had raped Bella. It was disgusting.

My head was throbbing and my mouth was dry and tasted like bile. I shuddered when I thought about what has caused that volatile physical reaction.

This man had been a part of the institution I had believed in for so long and essentially they had allowed him to do this, to wreak havoc. It wasn't the way a man of his religious stature should behave and the fact Rome had condoned it – probably because of Laurent's familiarity to Aro - was unacceptable.

The knowledge of believing in an institution that wasn't as righteous and fair as I had always thought, was daunting and made me lose some of my innocence.

But worse than that was knowing that I had to break this news to Bella. This time, it was me who was going to take away another part of whatever was left of her innocence. By making her relive that terrible night when Laurent had raped her.

And not only that but I also had to tell her that Charlie Swan, her_ father_ was alive. She had believed he was dead for almost ten years and now I was going to crush that belief and tell her that had all been a hoax and that he was here in Seattle.

I didn't know how she would take it but I had no doubt Bella's response would be colorful, to say the least.

And honestly, I welcomed the anticipated anxiety over the possibility of not being able to tell her at all. While I had kept telling myself that Bella wouldn't run this time, I had to face the possibility that she had.

Especially if her anxiety got the best of her and the monsters from the past would push themselves into the forefront of her mind.

I sighed and the scent of pine and clean leather filled my nostrils and the confinement of the car was almost soothing. It was a welcome relief after having been stuck inside my father's office with the three men that I couldn't trust to have Bella's best interest at heart because their actions had proven the opposite in the past.

Demetri was straight forward enough but there was something about him I couldn't quite grasp. He seemed tough and untouchable but there was an obvious soft spot for Bella. Of course, that spot hadn't been great enough to protect her from Aro when he was her bodyguard.

And my father, I didn't know what to make of the part he played in all this. He had never denied his dislike and disapproval of Bella so it was hard to believe he was 100% on her side with this.

And Charlie Swan, well…

When I thought of Charlie Swan, the most prominent and obvious thing about him was the way he resembled Bella so much. His eyes and hair were Bella's. There was no way to deny he was her father.

_Her father._ It was such a foreign concept to me to see him that way and not just because he had played dead all these years.

I remembered from what Emmett had told me that fathers could be difficult when you were the one dating or marrying their little girl. My brother had once told me that the first time they met, Rosalie's father had told him to take care of Rosalie "or else". I had never understood the "or else" part but I supposed it was some sort of threat that Mr. Hale had made to Emmett to make sure he would cherish his daughter.

It was strangely bittersweet that I had met the father of my girl and the context couldn't be more different. He hadn't threatened me to love, honor and protect his daughter "or else" - in fact he had barely dared to look at me. When my initial shock had worn off I had noticed two things about Charlie Swan though.

One, he looked tough but I believed firmly he had a good heart. He had no ulterior motives and while he was a bad man for leaving his daughter in the hands of a monster all these years, he wasn't evil or conniving by nature.

His eyes had filled with remorse every time I mentioned Bella's name. I had done so on purpose to gauge his reaction and it did the trick.

Charlie Swan had no idea how to react to having a grown up daughter with a life. I was certain she had been no more than a statistical fact to him, a birth certificate, a known concept without an emotional attachment.

A dent would appear in his gruff exterior every time Demetri or my father mentioned "the greater good" also known as making sure Aro and Laurent would be stopped and arrested. It must mean a lot to him to catch this monster.

Too bad he had never put the same level of priority on his own daughter.

I didn't know whether to like Charlie Swan in general or focus on hating him for the way he had left Bella unprotected all these years. But this wasn't about my anger. I barely knew the man. This was between him and Bella and all I could do was support her if she needed me to.

That was, if she'd be around for me to support her.

* * *

**BPOV**

Twilight.

I hated twilight. The looming darkness reminded me of when I had run away from Chicago. Back then it hadn't scared me because it had served the purpose of hiding me from my surroundings, but for some reason it was different now. The darkness represented something else now. It protected the monsters I was trying to escape, instead of protecting me.

I walked faster as I hurried through the streets, strangely worried that the dark would catch up with me. And with darkness came monsters and memories I couldn't outrun.

Occasionally, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was following me because the risk of that happening was bigger around here. But the streets were deserted and I was all alone.

My shoulders slumped and my head felt fucking heavy. I was tired and wanted to take a shower to wash away all the fucking grime. I wanted to sleep. Sleep for a long time in the safety of Edward's arms. I didn't want to feel this helpless, powerless.

I wanted to be brave and face the monsters.

When I reached my destination and opened the door, there was an overwhelming and acute sense of relief. It was small, temporary and lasted no more than a few moments but it was there and for those few seconds I was my normal self again.

I was home.

I dumped my bag on the floor unceremoniously and pulled off my jacket.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water before I plumped onto the sofa and took a deep breath.

On the edge of the sofa lay Edward's hoodie and I took it, looking for his smell to comfort me. I pressed my face into the fabric and inhaled deeply. The result was instant comfort.

I put it on and lay back, my head resting against the cushions as I tried to gather my thoughts.

I hadn't run. I had stayed. I hadn't abandoned Edward out of fear that my past would catch up with me.

I'd been _brave._

There was a part of me that felt better knowing that I hadn't fallen back into old and destructive patterns but another part that was still terrified that Demetri could barge down that door at any second to take me away.

It had been so tempting to do what I had done before when things had gotten complicated. I had always run because that had been the only way for me to cope. But now that I was with Edward and we were a package deal - partners - running would be an act of cowardice. It wouldn't just make me suffer, it would make him suffer as well and that was even more unacceptable than the thought of Demetri, Doctor Deacon or anyone else threatening me.

The farther away from downtown Seattle I had gotten, the more torn I had felt. It was like the electricity that was always crackling between Edward and I, the feeling of being one, had disappeared and that was more terrifying than seeing Demetri earlier and scarier than what Edward's father had told me at the bakery.

The idea of having to run again I could handle, but the concept of having to be without Edward was unthinkable.

I was done with running. I wasn't that girl anymore.

I was braver now.

* * *

**EPOV**

I drove onto the street and my heart picked up the pace of an unsteady rhythm, like I'd been running a marathon and my heart was about to give out. The confinement of the car wasn't comforting anymore, it was suffocating.

After I had met Charlie and had come to my senses – as far as one could shake off the day's events to be able to function, I had declined my father's suggestion for Demetri to drive me home. Not only did I not want to be around him, but I also didn't want to spook Bella by showing up with Demetri.

Of course none of that would make a difference if she wasn't at our apartment. But I had to go home anyway. If not to make sure Bella wasn't there, then at the very least to gather my bearings before I'd take off to find her.

I sighed. I really wanted and needed her to be safe and sound in our home.

I parked and got out, thankful for the cool evening air. I moved on autopilot, like I was having an out of body experience. Every step was sluggish and weighed heavy, like my legs were made of lead.

The closer I reached that door, the more slowly I walked.

It was as if I wanted to prolong this moment, this belief that there was a chance that Bella would actually be here.

I had no idea what was waiting for me behind that door, so all I could do was hope that she was in fact there.

I halted and looked for my key and it took several attempts to dig it out of my bag. Once I found it, I stuck the shiny object into the lock which wasn't easy because of my shaking hands.

I listened to the clicking sound of the door unlocking; it seemed so loud and so final. Like the sound alone could determine my fate.

I pushed the door open and looked inside without immediately stepping in. I took a few calming breaths and walked into my own home.

I paused again in the small hallway that led to the living room. There was silence. Complete and utter silence.

I wanted to call her name but worried that if I did and she didn't answer, I would completely break down. I was stalling; still hoping that if I waited long enough Bella would magically appear somehow.

I turned and closed the door behind me before I pulled off my jacket with particular and delaying precision.

But the silence remained and there was only one conclusion.

She was gone. I was too late to stop her and now she was on the run again.

Feeling defeated, I walked over to the sofa, sat down and buried my head in my hands, as I allowed the tears to spill. Maybe it wasn't very masculine but they were unstoppable. I wanted to pray but there were no words that would suffice and I had too little energy to ask Him to bring her back.

If there had ever been a time to start losing myself in an impending crisis of faith this would've been it, but I knew that wasn't fair. This wasn't God's doing. I had to believe He was still righteous and fair and that it had been monsters like Aro and Laurent who had taken advantage of and abused His words and interpreted them to fit their own needs.

I sat there for what felt like hours, but really wasn't that long at all. And maybe, if I had been more observant, I would've noticed Bella's jacket on the chair. And maybe, if the moment hadn't been so typically "movie tragic", I would've spotted the satchel she always carried to work.

If I hadn't been so pathetic and wallowing, surrendering myself in the notion of losing the woman I loved to the monsters that had stalked her for so long, I would've heard her tiptoeing as she approached and would've instantly responded to the arms that wrapped around my shoulder.

But I was so lost in the false sense of loss that it took my scattered brain a few moments to understand what was happening.

Bella didn't leave. She was here.

"Bella?"

I looked up at her. Her hair was wet and dripping so I assumed she had just taken a shower. Her eyes were red and puffy, so she must have been crying.

Bella didn't say a word and simply climbed into my lap, despite the fact she was only wearing a towel.

I wanted to say something but her lips silenced mine. Taken aback it took me a moment to reciprocate the movement but then, when my brain and my body caught up, I kissed her back with all the passion I could muster.

There was need, acute need. From her, from me. And then we lost ourselves in the sensation of the electricity that hummed between us and redefined our indescribable bond.

Bella was home and she was safe.

I wanted to pull back to look at her but Bella refused to loosen her hold on me. We stayed like that for a long time, kissing, nipping, moaning and grunting until it was Bella who pulled away for a second to catch her breath.

I did the same but my eyes never left hers.

"Edward." She sighed softly.

"You're here." I breathed in relief.

I could feel her nod against my shoulder.

"I was worried you left."

Bella looked up and frowned. "Why?"

"I saw Demetri at campus... I figured that might have scared you..." I started.

Bella nodded in understanding. "I wanted to run, but I came back. I don't want to be a coward anymore."

There were questions burning and stories to tell but for some reason there were more important things to cover.

"I thought I'd never see you again," Bella murmured against my skin. And then her lips found my jaw before they moved up to my lips.

"I need you, Edward," she whispered against my lips. "All of you."

I nodded, because I knew exactly what she meant and I felt the same way.

"I want to make love to you."

* * *

**BPOV**

Edward wanted to make love. Have sex. He wanted to be inside of me. Maybe it was ironic that this scared me a little. I wanted to, and after the day I had and the way Edward must have felt when he saw Demetri, I believed we needed to be as close as possible.

Still… I had never made love to anyone. Sex, sure. Fucking, sure.

But love... to be consumed mind, body and soul... that was new. I was just as much a virgin there as Edward. I remembered when we were in Vancouver, how I had thought about initiating sex then because it seemed difficult for Edward to make that kind of bold move, but now I was glad I hadn't. For some reason this moment was perfect in all its desperation and need. For both of us.

I looked at Edward and it was like he could read my mind. "I won't hurt you," he said. "I am not like the... him."

I frowned and then snorted at my own silliness. This was Edward and it was crazy for me to be worried. He would be gentle because that's who he was.

A gentle soul.

Edward touched my cheek and then his hand dipped lower, tracing along my collar bone, my shoulder and down my arm until his hand reached my palm and he pulled me up.

"Let's go to bed," he suggested.

I nodded and followed him, our hands intertwined.

Once we were in the bed room, Edward halted and took off his sweater and the t-shirt underneath with one fluent movement.

I felt a little exposed standing there in nothing but a towel, but Edward seemed rather mesmerized.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered as he leaned in for a quick kiss.

I smiled and reached for his belt to unbuckle it, noticing the bulge that had already started to form underneath the fabric.

But my hands were shaking and Edward had to help me and once again I was struck by my own sudden shyness and misplaced inexperience.

I had done this so many fucking times, so to fucking freak out now was wrong. Especially with Edward.

"Are you sure?" Edward asked as his jeans dropped to the floor and he stood before me in tight black boxers that accentuated his erection perfectly.

I took a deep breath and answered by dropping my towel.

* * *

**EPOV**

I had been to plenty of museums. I had seen statues carved to perfection and portraits that had captured a woman's physical beauty in detail.

But it had never captured me before or at all.

Still, I was certain that the angel before me, _my_ fallen angel with her whirlwind mahogany hair fanning out, contrasting against her creamy skin and those chocolate eyes that bore into mine with so much love, and a little nervousness that didn't go unnoticed, was the most beautiful creation ever made.

My eyes trailed down her breasts, a perfect handful, and lower past her flat stomach, leading to her long creamy legs and hips that were wide enough for childbearing but slim all the same. My eyes followed the trail down further to the spot between her legs that was covered with a soft patch of mahogany curls. I knew the warmth that was there but never had I seen all of Bella on display like this before. It was glorious.

My penis seemed to agree because the erection I was sporting got impossibly harder.

"You're so beautiful," I repeated. "And I love you so much."

* * *

**BPOV**

Edward looked like a little boy in wonder, curiosity and awe mixed into one as his eyes drank in my naked form. It was endearing but it also made me blush to be watched like this. I beamed at hearing him call me beautiful and I was sort of surprised at the confidence he exuded.

That was new.

"You're pretty hot yourself," I murmured and walked over to bury my naked self into his arms.

Our skin touched and I was struck by an overwhelming sense of belonging. It was like the electricity between us spread across my skin like a blanket and the invisible cord that always kept Edward and I together pulled tightly around us, binding us together.

"I love you too," I told him before kissing his chest.

Edward lifted my chin and his jade eyes penetrated mine.

His cock lay against my stomach and I guided my hands down with the intention to pull the fabric away.

"Can I?"

Edward nodded with a smile and trailed his hands up my torso and right underneath my breasts. His fingers lingered on the sides and then slowly crept onto my nipples, causing me to moan a little.

He'd done this before but it still amazed me that his hands, which'd only ever touched one pair of breasts - mine- had so much skill. His thumbs grazed over my nipples and the loud moan that escaped my lips was embarrassing but genuine and it made Edward smirk in this sexy and confident way.

"You like that," he stated. There was no shyness, just the right amount of awe and amazement. I smiled at him and nodded. I liked that very, _very_ much.

He guided us to the bed and gently pushed me down until I was flat on my back and he was hovering over me.

Naked and glorious. If there was a God and he did create men then he sure did a ridiculously fine job on Edward.

His cock was standing proud and throbbing and it was a major turn on. I wanted to grab Edward, push him onto the mattress and mount him but this was his moment.

I had to let him lead.

* * *

**EPOV**

The way she lay there, naked and spread out like an angel was too much for me. I had known the effects of having an erection for a while now and knew what it was like to be extremely hard and incredibly turned on but never had it been this potent, this strong and overwhelming. It took plenty of self control to not crawl on top of Bella and push myself inside of her warmth.

But I had to be patient and take my time. She had a horrible day and while she knew plenty of sex, I wanted to show her this didn't have to be aggressive or wrong.

And while I had no idea where this new sexual confidence was coming from, I embraced it and reveled in it for as long as it lasted. I hoped it would be a while. A few months ago it would have been unthinkable but I liked this new side of myself.

And it certainly pleased Bella.

I hovered over her and leaned in to kiss her lips gently.

Bella giggled when I reached her eyelids and placed soft kisses on them. Next was her forehead and then her cheeks until Bella was squirming underneath me and giggling so loud it warmed my heart. She sounded so happy and carefree.

I always wanted to make her feel like that.

"That tickles," she said when her laughter died down.

"How about this?" I murmured suggestively as my mouth found her neck and I sucked and nipped at the skin, feeling her blood pulse against my lips. "Does that tickle?"

"It does," Bella said breathlessly.

I nodded against her skin as I made my way down to the tops of her breasts, placing kisses on her flesh along the way.

Bella moaned which meant she liked it. I had come to recognize these sounds and knew I was doing it right, although I still had no exact idea of what I was doing. I was going by some sort of instinct I never knew I had before. Of course, it had never been tested either.

All I knew was that after tonight, everything would change. In good and bad ways. I tried not to think of what I knew; about Charlie being alive and how it was kind of bad that I was thinking of sex when telling Bella about that should've been my first priority.

Could it wait? Was it excusable to wait and have sex first? Was that the right order of priorities? Or was I selfish for pushing this right now?

Bella didn't seem to think so, judging from the sounds of pleasures that were coming from her but of course she didn't have the full picture here.

I was about to halt my touches and ruin everything by blurting out Charlie was alive when Bella called out to me in the most beautiful and distracting way.

"Edward, don't stop..."

It was a seductive sigh that gave me enough incentive to push away all my worries and focus on Bella.

On us.

My mouth continued its path and found her nipples. The little pink buds were erect and perfect, and feeling them graze against my teeth as I nipped, licked and bit them and the way Bella responded to that made me lose myself in the moment, pushing aside all distractions. My focus was now solely on Bella.

My erection was solid and wedged between us and I could feel the pre-cum leaking from it. There was a time when that would have embarrassed me, when all of this would've rendered me incapable of enjoying it but right here, this moment was so right, so oddly perfect that it had washed away all my inhibitions.

My lips got acquainted with Bella's stomach and she started squirming again when they reached the soft brown curls between her legs.

"You don't have to..." Bella murmured but her protest was weak.

"I want to," I said firmly and then I started a trail of light kisses that began at Bella's hipbone and moved to the top of her right thigh and then lower to her knee, her ankle until I reached her right foot and five toes that were wiggling in anticipation.

"Edward," Bella chastised me with a smile. "Don't be a tease."

I chuckled as I switched to her other foot and repeated the pattern, except I went up now, closer to the center of her pleasure. Once I reached her left knee, I switched my trail. Instead of going up to the top of her leg, I started going inward, closer to her inner thigh, closer to her heat.

"Edward..." Bella moaned and I felt her fist the sheets beneath us as she could barely hold still.

And I hadn't even reached my real target yet.

My tongue darted out and licked the skin which was a little salty from the light sheen of sweat that had formed on Bella's skin.

Then my tongue found the crease between her inner thigh and her sex and there was wetness there.

Bella's skin was coated in her arousal and it was a stimulating scent that made me want her even more. I looked up to make sure Bella was still alright with all this but she wasn't looking at me. Her eyes were closed and my name escaped her lips.

Her brow was creased a little and I worried if maybe I had to stop but then Bella verbally assured me not to.

"Don't… stop." She breathed.

"Are you sure?" I asked her once more.

"No one has ever..." Bella trailed off before she nodded and gently pushed my head towards her warmth.

I was her first. The first to give her this type of pleasure. Emphasis on that; _pleasure._

That was all the invitation I needed and since I had no idea of how to specifically do this, I simply let my tongue dart out and touch the little pink nub that peeked out between the mahogany softness.

* * *

**BPOV**

Holy fucking... something... Edward's tongue touched my spot and again, for a moment I was fucking shocked at how he was doing this with such ease... like he was some sort of sex-god when in reality my perception was probably clouded by my feelings for him.

I couldn't say that I ever had better because I hadn't. Because I had never experienced anything like this before. If this was real love making was about, then no wonder people wanted to do it all the time. No wonder most people associated it with something positive instead the brutal things I had linked it with for so long.

Edward's lips covered my sex and he applied a little pressure. I could feel his wet tongue mingle with my own wetness and it was fucking difficult to stay classy and not moan like a cheap porn star.

But it was so good and I could feel something building in the pit of my stomach as he licked tentatively but with meticulous precision. I resisted the urge to push his face into my pussy and demand him to eat it but it was hard. My hands sought his cock but it was out of reach.

The feeling built as Edward nipped and kissed my sex and when I was about to get close to coming, I shoved against his shoulder to get him to stop.

This wasn't just about me, this was about us. I didn't want to come before him.

I wanted us to come together. Maybe it was strangely poetic or even sappy but this was something I wanted us to experience together.

Edward looked surprised and a little disappointed when he looked up but I reassured him instantly.

"I want you inside me of me," I explained softly. "Now."

Edward's eyes went a wide for a second but then he nodded and moved on top of me until his face was level with mine.

I smiled and stroked his cheek before leaning in to kiss him.

"That was amazing, but I want more."

"You didn't finish," Edward said, a little unsure, but I showed him what I wanted by grabbing his cock, which was already slick with precum and guiding it to between my legs.

"I want to finish with you," I said fiercely before I started rubbing his erection against my opening, which sparked something in both of us. I had to clench my thighs for a moment, effectively trapping his cock between my legs to make sure I wouldn't come right there and then and Edward... Edward looked between us to the spot where we were about to be connected

"Ready?" I asked.

"Are you?" he countered softly.

"Yes, I am ready."

"So am I," Edward said firmly before he pushed inside of me a little.

* * *

**EPOV**

Warm and tight.

That's how it felt. And I wasn't even fully inside of her.

But I had to keep still, _completely still,_ for a moment because otherwise I would come before I'd be fully inside of Bella.

And she wanted us both to come. _Together._

That wasn't going to happen if I didn't take a moment to collect myself.

I took a deep breath and looked at Bella, whose mouth was shaped into a little o. Her chocolate eyes were sparkling and her cheeks were flushed with a delicate pink.

She was stunning.

I pushed a little further and grunted. It would be so easy to get lost in the feeling, to embrace this warmth and the feeling of complete satisfaction.

But it was more. It wasn't just physical. The deeper I reached, the more connected we became and it was everything.

"Just a little more," Bella encouraged me, as her hand found my cheek again and started stroking softly.

I nodded and pushed a little more firmly until I was fully inside of Bella and we were completely linked and tied together.

It was heavenly. Pun intended.

It would be a cliché to say that I had some sort of epiphany in that moment, that God spoke to me again, just like he had done after Jacob's accident, but it was in fact sort of like that.

Our bodies were aligned and we both reveled in it; the electricity, the way things shifted between us. Before this moment, we had been boyfriend and girlfriend. Two people with issues who had chosen to love each other.

But most of it was based on Bella's past and my past and our need to transform ourselves into new people. It wasn't a full commitment until now.

Right in this moment, as I looked into her eyes, I could see the future. A future where all the bad things were behind us. Where there was gauzy white and golden rings. Promises of forever and a house with white picket fences. Little feet padding on the floor. Small giggles.

The goal of becoming a priest seemed so ridiculous and absurd now.

There had only ever been one purpose for me. And He knew it too.

I was meant to be Bella's.

And she was meant to be mine.

* * *

**BPOV**

Forever.

If you had told me before this moment that such a thing existed, I would have called you a fucking crazy person.

But there it was, in his eyes, and I was sure he could see it in mine too.

Forever.

And we weren't even moving. We were just lying there on top of each other; Edward was inside of me and it was perfect in all its imperfectness.

Edward kissed my forehead and then slowly, _agonizingly slowly,_ pulled out of me. For a moment, I was worried he would break the connection but then he pushed back into me again and the friction was amazing.

I wanted to encourage him to go faster but I knew he was restraining himself from coming too fast.

I had the same problem.

Still, our attempts to prolong this were seriously undermined by his grunts and my moans and the sloppiness with which we sought our release together.

Edward went a little faster and the way I was being stretched and the way our bodies rubbed together as we tried to find a proper rhythm made it hard to hold on.

"Bella..." Edward grunted. "This is... I can't..."

"I am close too," I offered, biting my tongue because I wanted to scream out.

Edward's eyes bore into mine and there was so much love there and everything that had happened in the past few hours meant nothing. Demetri and Aro, even Doctor Deacon couldn't touch us.

I wrapped my legs around Edward's waist which gave him a deeper angle and he seemed to understand what I was doing because instantly he went faster and the kisses he placed on my lips were becoming frantic and sloppy.

"Bella, I..."

"Fu...nk Edward..." was my brilliant response when I felt his muscles clench as my walls clamped down around his cock and he spilled inside of me.

"Bellaaaa."

He collapsed on top of me and our hearts hammered in unison, while our breathing was equally ragged. I stroked his hair while he softly kissed my neck.

We lay there for a while to calm ourselves, but Edward didn't pull out of me just yet and I liked that. It was nice to be covered by his body; it made me feel protected.

It was the most amazing feeling to be this close to someone. And it wasn't just sexual.

It was redefining.

"That was..." Edward started but there were no words.

It wasn't perfect and to an outsider our respective levels of inexperience were probably extremely obvious.

But it was us.

And that made it perfect.

_"Everything_," I said. "It was everything."

* * *

**EPOV**

I woke up the next day with a very naked Bella sprawled across my chest, while our legs were entangled. I tried to remain as still as possible because any kind of movement, any kind of brush from her silky skin with mine, would spark a fresh erection and after I had kept her up most of the night to reaffirm the love between us over and over, I wanted to allow her some rest before I would drop the bombshell of her father being alive.

The scariest thing was that I didn't know if it would frighten her or if she would be angry because I hadn't told her right away. Maybe both would happen.

I tried to focus on Bella's breathing and the way she clung to me in her sleep as I thought of how to break the news to her.

Charlie had said he wanted to see her as soon as possible and according to Demetri and my father it was essential that Bella was informed of everything that was going on right away.

Bella stirred and so did my penis. I had never understood why people wanted to have sex all the time - according to Emmett they did - but now, after what had transpired between Bella and me the night before, I understood the desire completely.

I longed for Bella physically but also emotionally because the closeness of being physically connected had its emotional purpose as well.

Bella moved a little more and opened one eye. "Is it morning?" she wondered quietly.

I nodded and pressed a kiss into her hair. "Yes, it is. How do you feel?"

Bella yawned and stretched, giggling as she noticed my obvious need for her. "Again?" She chuckled as her hand crept down my stomach to its obvious destination.

I was about to let her, because evidently my body was anticipating sex once again but then my brain stopped me when I realized there was no postponing the inevitable.

"Wait," I said. "We have to talk first."

Bella's hand halted and her head shot up. She scrutinized my expression and waited. She looked rejected.

"You don't want to?" she asked and she looked like a little girl who'd just gotten scolded about something. And I hated ruining the moment to dump fresh worries on her, but there was no choice. I had to tell Bella now before the damage of waiting too long would be too big to reverse.

"Believe me, I want to," I assured her. "You have no idea how much."

The frown on Bella's face disappeared and she looked pretty smug. "It was pretty good huh…"

"The best," I agreed with a smile.

"So… why not continue the good feeling?" Bella said suggestively and she leaned on to kiss my chest. "I believe I owe you a lecture on sex. What better way to do it than orally?" She winked before she slid down.

It was tempting to let her have her way with me, but I couldn't allow the distraction.

"No, Bella... wait…" I said.

"Why?" she demanded. "You know you want to."

She was right and my body betrayed my mind and before I could say another word, Bella had silenced me with her mouth and all too soon I was lost in the sensation of the feelings her lips elicited from me.

* * *

The shrill sound of my phone brought me out the sexually induced coma and Bella grumbled that I should turn it off.

After she had brought me to climax we had both dozed off again. Apparently sex made you lazy.

I grabbed my phone and pressed the receiver button with a sigh when I noticed it was my father.

"Yes?"

"Where are you?"

"At home, why?"

"Is Bella with you?"

Bella looked up. Her eyes curious as I stared at her while my father spoke.

"Yes, she is."

"Would you mind coming over to the house as soon as possible?" He posed his request as a friendly question but really it was more like a demand.

I knew there was no way I could postpone talking to Bella about her father any longer because it would be a bad idea to throw Bella to the wolves without preparing her first.

"I don't think that's a very good idea," I said. "We've had a bad day yesterday."

"It's important. We can't waste any time."

"What's wrong?" Bella mouthed.

I shook my head and listened to my father on the other side. "Edward, I don't know if you told her yet, but it is very important that she's informed as soon as possible."

"You said that already, Dad," I muttered before relenting. "Fine. We'll be there in an hour or so."

I hung up and stared at a confused Bella who had wrapped the sheet around her like a safety cocoon upon hearing my last promise to my father.

"What's going on?" she demanded as soon as I had hung up. "Was that your father?"

I nodded. "Yes, he wants us to stop by the house because he needs to talk to us. It's important," I added.

"Why?" Bella asked. "And why are you not surprised at his request?" she added with a frown.

I sighed. Happy times were over.

"Bella, we need to talk."

* * *

I paced back and forth as Bella looked at me expectantly from the sofa.

We had gotten dressed first and Bella had insisted on making some breakfast although I was too nervous to eat now.

My mind was racing a mile a minute as I tried to figure out how to break the news. There was no easy way to do it. And I couldn't protect Bella from the probable shock or the consequences.

"Could you stop pacing? You're freaking me out."

I halted and looked at the floor. My bare feet. And then Bella's feet as I watched one tapping on the floor in anticipation.

"You're going to hate me," I mumbled before looking up.

Bella's eyebrows were creased as she weighed my words. "I doubt that."

"Look, I don't know how to tell you this, so I am going to blurt it out and then I'll explain okay?" I said.

"O…kay…"

"I saw Demetri yesterday," I started.

"So did I," Bella interrupted me before I could proceed. "You already told me that, remember? Is sex affecting your memory?" she asked teasingly.

I took one more breath to steady myself before blurting it out, figuring that it was better to just say it instead of going by yesterday's events chronologically.

"I also met Charlie."

Bella frowned in confusion.

"Who's Charlie?" she asked.

I was a little taken aback. Apparently the name didn't have an instant effect on her. And I hated that I had to clarify this because the extra explanation felt like I would be rubbing salt in fresh wounds.

I gulped and murmured softly. "Charlie Swan. Your father."

Bella's eyes went wide in shock, like I had expected and she started to shake her head, instantly denying the fact based on her own knowledge. "That's impossible," she said. "He's been dead for years."

"I'm sorry but he's not. I met him yesterday," I persisted softly.

There was more headshaking and then Bella rose from the sofa and it was her turn to start pacing back and forth as she muttered to herself that I had to be mistaken.

"Bella, he looks just like you," I tried. "He has your eyes, your hair color. I don't know why he pretended to be dead all these years but I assure you that it's him."

"How is this possible? He… got killed. Demetri killed him," she murmured in shock.

"Apparently not. Like I said, I don't know the details about his... fake death. But I do know…"

"What?" Bella demanded. "Is there more?"

I nodded. "Demetri and your father are trying to get _him_ behind bars."

"Aro?" Bella spat. "How?"

"Well, they've been working together for a while. The FBI is involved too."

Bella shook her head again and I worried she would burst into tears but instead she got angry, which was actually an equally anticipated emotion.

"I don't understand any of this!" She practically shouted. "Demetri is part of Aro's entourage. He wouldn't risk betraying him. It's impossible. The FBI? Charlie is alive? This is insane!"

I grabbed her hand and tried to pull her into a hug, but Bella shook her head and turned away, which I took to mean as a sign she was angry at me for keeping this from her.

"I am sorry I didn't tell you right away," I offered in an apology. "I wanted to tell you last night but well... we got distracted."

"Is he going to be there… at your family's house?" Bella asked, ignoring my apology.

"My father didn't confirm it with many words, but I assume he will be. He wants to see you," I said.

Bella snorted wryly. "Does he now…"

"Look, there's a lot of details about all of this I don't know either. My father claims it's important that we know everything…"

She rolled her eyes. "_Now_ they want to share… un-be-lie-vable."

"Are you alright?" I asked, as I watched her. She was putting up a wall again.

Bella's eyes shot up and she looked incredulous. Obviously my question was a stupid one.

"I'm sorry, it's a silly question," I retracted immediately. "I just want you to tell me how you're feeling, without holding back. Don't hide from me. I am on your side."

Bella took a deep breath, her cheeks puffing as she released some of her anxiety.

"I don't know what to do with this. It's like everything I knew to be true is a giant lie except the part where Aro is an asshole and he did… what he did," she murmured. "That's still true. And I want to know if he… Charlie… knew… about… it.

"Fu..nk, it's so much to take in," Bella added in an afterthought.

"I should've told you last night," I said remorsefully.

"Yes, you should have. But like you said, we were preoccupied. I won't lie and say it's totally okay with me… but being angry about that, really it's not the most prominent thing on my mind right now…

"I guess we're expected at your parents' house?"

"We don't have to go," I said. "If it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's too bad for them."

"But there's a story there. Demetri and your dad… and my d… Charlie… they are all after _him_," Bella said.

I nodded. "Apparently the FBI finally has the chance to catch him, thanks to Demetri and your... Charlie," I caught myself, calling Charlie by his name instead of referring to him as Bella's father since she hadn't done that either.

"I want to go," Bella said and she sounded determined. "It's the only way to ever put all this crap behind me…

"Behind us."

I pretended not to notice Bella's fidgeting although it was hard to miss with the way she shifted in the passenger seat and from the multiple sighs that escaped her.

I wanted to reach out to take her hand to help soothe her nerves but she had made it very clear that she needed the space to process this.

And I couldn't fault her that, so I let her be.

"We don't have to do this. We could still turn around. We can do whatever you want," I pointed out once more.

Bella stopped looking out the window for a second and as her gaze met mine she looked determined. "There is no choice," she pointed out. "I have to see him. I have to know why he never came to find me and why he allowed… _that_ to happen.

"And that monster... if they can catch him-" she took a deep breath "-it has to end."

I nodded at her determination and breathed a sigh in relief when her hand searched for mine.

"Okay, just know that I'll be there with you, every step of the way. You're not alone anymore."

* * *

**BPOV**

The Cullen mansion looked bigger than I remembered although I was pretty sure its size hadn't changed. Maybe it was me who'd gotten fucking smaller, like a little girl in a giant dollhouse.

A little girl who was about to come face to face with a father who had never earned the title and had never done the things a dad was supposed to do, like protect his little girl.

But I was not a little girl anymore and I couldn't hide like one.

I took another deep breath and waited until Edward had parked the car.

I wasn't really angry with him for not telling me because that really wasn't entirely his fault since we'd both had set other priorities the night before.

And I really wouldn't have wanted it any other way because making love to Edward had connected us in indescribable ways and I was thankful that hadn't been ruined by the ghosts of my past.

"Ready?" Edward asked, pulling me from my reverie.

I nodded but waited for him to get out and move over to my side to open the door.

Once he did, I knew there was no going back. By now, they probably knew we were here anyway.

Edward took my hand and it was comforting though it couldn't dissipate my anxiety entirely.

"It's going to be okay," he promised me.

I wanted to believe him.

* * *

I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting beforehand but when I saw this man, my biological father, sitting on Esme's proper grey sofa, while she served him tea, I was instantly that little girl again. The girl with no presents on her birthday and no berry cobbler either. The girl with a spiteful bitch of a mother and a father who simply couldn't care less.

It fueled my hate and the determination to tell him to go to hell.

Charlie Swan looked older. There were streaks of grey in his brown hair and bags under his eyes that hinted that he hadn't been living the easy life all this time.

Well neither had I.

I ignored Demetri who was staring at me intently because I was pissed at him as much as I was bothered by my not-dead father.

Edward hovered around me but kept enough distance to give me space. He looked at me occasionally and touched the small of my back with his hand every few minutes to comfort me.

Esme acted nervous and kept offering everyone refreshments while Doctor Deacon was surprisingly quiet. Normally he had so many condescending things to say.

And he looked at me differently than before. Remorseful.

I wanted to laugh at the comedy that was playing out before me and the ridiculousness of this charade as if I wasn't a part of it. This was their show... the three wise men... who'd kept their secrets.

"Bella," Demetri spoke up, his voice pleasant. "How are you?"

I wanted to fucking punch him and from the corner of my eye I noticed how Edward was glaring at him too.

I shrugged instead, pretending to half-ignore him.

"Why don't you sit down," Esme suggested and she stirred me away from Edward and onto the sofa right next to Charlie who looked even more uncomfortable than before. Served him right.

"Perhaps we should leave Bella and Charlie alone." Esme smiled.

"No," Edward protested. "I am not leaving Bella."

"Edward," his mother chided him. "They need some time together."

"Bella?" Edward asked me, ignoring Esme's suggestion. "What do you want?"

I didn't know. I wasn't sure I was comfortable sitting alone with this man who was a stranger to me, this man who kind of made me sick knowing he had never stopped Aro from doing what he did to me but at the same time he had answers I wanted.

_Needed._

"I… guess it's okay," I said.

"I could stay..." Edward offered as he pulled me into a tight hug. I shook my head and lifted my face so I could look at him.

"No... it'll be fine," I said before briefly kissing his lips. "Just stay close."

Edward nodded before Esme gently pulled him away and everyone cleared the room, except for Charlie and me.

At first we both remained quiet and the tension was so fucking palpable that it made me even more freaking nervous and nauseous than I already was.

I wanted to open my mouth and say something random, anything to get the awkwardness out of the way but then decided against it.

There was no fixing this with a joke or a comment… and I wasn't the one who had to reach out anyway.

"Bella…"

It was weird to hear him say my name after all these years. It was like being transported back in time.

"Charlie."

His name sounded strange on my lips too.

"I… I am sorry," he murmured. "For everything."

I snorted, unable to stop myself. He was fucking priceless.

"You should be," I deadpanned.

"I never expected things to turn out this way. I thought you'd be safe. I mean… I never thought he would…"

I knew enough and didn't want to listen anymore.

"I really don't want to hear it," I interrupted Charlie angrily. "I don't want to hear how you played dead while your own daughter was molested by the man you've been trying to catch."

"Bells..."

"Don't fucking call me that." I hissed. "There is no excuse. Nothing you can say to make it better.

"Ever."

He sighed and hung his head for a moment. But then he looked up and his eyes, same as mine like Edward had said, were burning with determination.

"It's time you hear the full story."

"I said. I. Don't. Want. To. Hear. It," I said, raising my voice.

"Well, you need to...

"Because we need your help."

* * *

**Okay...once again I'm going to sit here in silence and hope that lemon(ade) quenched some thirst. As for Bella (not) running...it would have killed all the progress made if that had happened, so she went home where she belongs.**

**Just an FYI: upcoming chapters will switch back and forth between BPOV/EPOV some more. **

**On a more serious note. I am writing a brand new story/ one shot for this: fandomcause(dot)info(slash)our-cause/ It's a great cause. Please donate and/or join!**

**I can't stress enough how much all the support, reviews, shout-outs and knowing people read this means to me. It's very motivating and inspiring. So thank you so much :)**

**I am on Twitter, follow at your own risk: (at)bronzehyperion**

**Have a happy weekend!**


	53. Taking Flight

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 51: TAKING FLIGHT**

"This is ridiculous!"

"It's not ridiculous, it's important that..."

"Edward is right; it's a messed up, ridiculous plan."

I squeezed Edward's hand more tightly and he returned the gesture as I echoed his concern for the "brilliant" plan Demetri, Charlie and Doctor Deacon had come up with to catch Aro.

It all had to do with a girl named Bree.

**FLASHBACK**

"_My help…"_

_I tried the words out and wanted to laugh. So that's actually what I did. Laugh._

_I laughed and it totally confused Charlie, which suited me just fine. He deserved it because his request was insane. Surely I must've heard him wrong when he said he needed my help._

_That had to be some kind of twisted irony, given the fact I had never had any help to escape the monster myself. Even Demetri's "looking away" when I had finally escaped didn't really qualify as that much help in my book._

"_Bella…"_

"_You have a lot of nerve, you know, asking me for my help. So tell me this, where was **my** help all these years?" I spat angrily._

_Charlie looked uncomfortable, as he shifted back and forth in his seat on the sofa._

"_Look, I can't say or do anything to make that better right now. All I can ask of you is that you keep an open mind on what I am about to tell you. You can hate me, that's fine. I don't expect you not to. But I am sure you want him locked away for the rest of his life. And for that to happen, we need your help."_

_He sounded so practical. And it was so fucking annoying. He wasn't taking any responsibility for his actions; for his lack of being a good parent, or a parent at all. Charlie Swan didn't care beyond anything but catching Aro and while he was right when he said that I wanted that monster to be put away forever just like he did, the clinical approach he took bugged me._

"_I told you multiple times now… I don't care about whatever you want to tell me and whatever it is you think you need my help with. I don't owe you anything."_

_Charlie sighed and I wanted to punch him. What gave him the fucking right to be such a demanding bastard._

_I hated the twinge of disappointment I felt and wondered what exactly I had expected. More emotion? More guilt? Anything that would resemble some fucking kind of remorse?_

_I was his daughter, so you'd think he cared about me in some way, right? But there was nothing. Nothing except for that half hearted apology before. Even after all these years and he still "nothinged" me. I wasn't important to him. For a moment I was that five year old girl again, who had turned six without knowing, watching the berry cobbler in the box but never getting to taste any._

_Charlie was never going to be the dad I wanted and I had better accept that now before I ended up all bitter and disillusioned at the delusion that he wanted to make some kind of amends when it was clear I was solely a pawn in his game to catch the bad guy._

"_Would you rather listen to Demetri? Or your boyfriend's father?" he suggested._

_I snorted. Demetri and Doctor Deacon were just as bad as Charlie, so that wasn't going to win me over._

"_He's a good guy… Edward. Very protective of you," Charlie murmured._

_I rolled my eyes. I wasn't going to fall for this. _I _saw right through what Charlie was doing, he was trying to get some sort of ownership over me by mentioning Edward._

"_Unlike you," I pointed out. "But don't you dare drag him into this. Don't think you can use Edward to manipulate me. Anyway, I am done here. Do what you must with Aro but leave me out of it."_

_I was about to walk out the door and find Edward, although I had no doubt he was probably close by, when Charlie halted me._

"_There's a girl named Bree. She's fourteen… and Aro..."_

_I turned around like a slow motion movie character, taking my time to let his words sink in, knowing without any further elaboration where he was going with this._

_There was a girl named Bree..._

_Aro had found a new victim._

**END FLASHBACK**

"This isn't Bella's fight," Edward protested again. "I am very sorry for this girl… Bree, but you can't expect Bella to get in the middle of it. This is official police business. Not some under cover mission where Bella is to be used as some sort of bait."

"She is our best bet," Demetri argued. "If we want to catch him and get Bree out, we need her."

"Why can't you just raid the place and arrest him. Don't tell me the FBI is that incompetent," I muttered. "Oh wait... I guess they are, since it backfired six years ago."

"We need to play this right. If we don't act soon, he could get away again, he has connections everywhere," Charlie pointed out. "If we can surprise Aro Volturi by having Bella confront him it might take him out of his element long enough for us to get the girl out and bring her into safety before we arrest him."

"Doesn't Edward have a point though?" Carlisle wondered. "Isn't it very unusual to use a civilian for some kind of undercover police operation abroad without official approval from said country? How would that hold up in court, assuming the plan works, of course?"

It was like they were talking amongst themselves, which I suppose they were, and it was extremely frustrating. Edward seemed to echo my thoughts because he had to scrape this throat several times before we regained the attention of the three men who were discussing this like we weren't even a part of it.

"You know, it's very rude to talk about Bella like she's not even here. You want her to risk her life by becoming a pawn in your plan and yet you do not have the courtesy to be straight with her, to explain to her what this plan is. I mean, I am confused…"

"So am I," I echoed. "And that makes me very unwilling to help," I added sourly. "If I agree, which I am not saying I will, I'd like to know what exactly it is I am getting myself involved in."

Demetri sighed, while Charlie grumbled something about not wanting to waste too much time analyzing and strategizing, whatever that meant.

"Look," Demetri started. "Aro is currently in Italy with Bree and Renée. I had to explain my absence by telling him I tracked you in LA. So now he's expecting me to bring you to Chicago before he returns four days from now."

The idea of that made me nervous, even if it was a lie to keep Aro off Demetri's trail. The fact he knew where I was, even if the location was fake, made me feel stripped bare of a certain anonymity.

"Hold on," Edward intervened before Demetri could proceed. "So let me get this straight… Aro thinks Bella is in Los Angeles and he expects you to bring her back to him?"

"Basically, yes."

"But instead," Edward continued, "you want to shock him and bring Bella to Italy, to throw him off his game or whatever?"

"He will never see it coming."

"Well, that's great and all," Edward muttered sarcastically. "Except for the part where he probably will see it coming. The part where this sounds very amateurish. Does the FBI even have jurisdiction in Italy?"

Demetri sighed. "Alright, so this may not be a flawless plan."

"That's an understatement. You don't have jurisdiction, do you?" Edward guessed. "And this is not an official operation, is it?"

"We have tried it the 'official' way but it has never resulted in an arrest," Charlie explained. "And if we wait until he's back in Chicago, where most of his crew will be, where a hot shot team of lawyers are at his disposal, we lose the element of surprise and he'll get away again."

I listened intently and tried to make sense of their plan and the reasoning behind it, while Edward remained verbally skeptical of it.

"So to recap; you want the element of surprise on your side? Therefore, you are forsaking official FBI protocol and jurisdiction to fly to Italy, with Bella as some sort of decoy, knowing that if you catch Aro Volturi, he's probably not going to get convicted because you went on an illegal mission. Not to mention the absurd amount of danger you'll be putting Bella in. Well, bravo," Edward spat. "Brilliant plan. Frankly, I am really starting to wonder why Bella should even consider helping you with it. . In fact, I vote in favor of the two of us leaving and you sorting this out on your own because well, I don't trust you," he said and his determination wasn't just sweet, it was kind of a turn on.

But it was inappropriate to focus on that now.

"I think you're right. I don't want to listen to this another second," I echoed Edward's thoughts. He gave me a sad smile and then started to guide me away from the living room.

"What about Bree?" Demetri said. "We have to stop Aro from hurting her."

I flashed him an angry stare. No one had ever stopped him from hurting me.

"Like you did for me?" I hissed.

"Bella," Demetri started but I held up my hand to stop him. I wasn't in the mood for long overdue apologies or whatever lame excuse he had back then not to save me.

Still, it would be a lie to say I didn't care about this Bree. She was a fourteen year old girl who was suffering at the hands of Aro. Like I once had. It was hard to ignore that.

Also, none of this was her fault and it would be wrong to dismiss the abuse and her torment to get back at Demetri and Charlie for not making more of an effort to save me.

But at the same time, in order to save Bree and get Aro behind bars I had to face him.

The monster.

I wasn't sure if I was selfless enough to do that just so that this girl could be rescued.

And I didn't know if I could trust these two men enough to put that kind of faith into a plan that did seem amateurish, like Edward had described it.

I was lost in thought and ready to leave when a voice stopped me.

"Bella, please don't leave."

It wasn't the voice I was expecting.

Esme had been quiet since she had re-entered the room with the others. She had been listening quietly and this was the first time she actually spoke up.

"It's just a young girl. A young girl who is now in the same position that you were once in. I am well aware that you don't owe anyone anything but this girl is helpless and you are the only one who knows what she must be feeling. If anything, it could be a comfort for her."

I hated Esme's words in that moment, because they were true. Of course I felt for this girl and I felt sick at the idea that Aro was hurting someone else, someone who'd been younger than me when she had entered his household.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

_"Her name is Bree. She lived in a shelter until she was eleven. That's when Aro 'adopted' her, Charlie explained, using air quotes when he spoke the word adopted. "She's been living with him for three years now."_

_"Why are you showing me this?"_

_I looked at the photo of a girl who I suppose could've been my sister if I'd ever had one. Clearly Aro had a type. She had hair similar to mine, though it was cut in a shoulder length bob and it was a little lighter than my mahogany brown. Her eyes weren't golden brown like mine, but darker, almost black and she looked every bit the proper rich teenager with her designer jeans, polished black boots and cute white frilly top. The smile was coy but I recognized it just the same._

_It was a mask. To keep people away from what she was really feeling. From how she was truly suffering._

_"He's found another one," Charlie pointed out, as if she and I were just statistics. I guess to Charlie we were._

_"He's hurting her, Bella," he added for emphasis, as if that would persuade me to actually feel for this girl. But what Charlie failed to understand was that although I recognized this girl's pain, I wasn't sure I could be the one to end that kind of suffering. Maybe it was cruel but in that moment it didn't feel like it was my responsibility._

_"If you're so concerned about this... Bree, then perhaps you should put on your big cop pants and go confront Aro. You know, the opposite of what you did when it was your own daughter he was sticking his cock into."_

_Charlie's eyes went wide and I knew my provocation was successful. Maybe it was cruel to make him squirm but it wasn't like he had ever done a damn thing to save me and now he wanted to save this random girl he didn't even know. I hated that it mattered, that a part of me still yearned for some kind of acceptance even though it was clear Charlie didn't give a damn about me._

_And if somehow I mattered, it was because I was a part of the investigation, part of his need to put this monster behind bars._

_And while I wanted that too, we weren't on the same team and I refused to pretend we could play nice._

_"Bella," he warned me._

_"Save it," I spat. "I am sorry about this girl, but I am sure you can save her without me."_

**END FLASHBACK**

"Mom," Edward warned his mother. "Don't start. This isn't Bella's responsibility."

"It's not about responsibility alone, Edward. Bella has a good heart and I am sure she wouldn't want to regret not showing compassion-"

"I am right here, please don't talk about me like I am not in the room," I muttered, causing Esme to flash me an apologetic smile.

"I am sorry dear. I know it's not my place. But please don't punish this girl because you're angry with your father or Demetri. Remember, this Aro Volturi is the real monster."

"They are almost as bad with all the mystery," Edward pointed out angrily, which erupted into a discussion that made my head explode. Demetri and Charlie were arguing their case, while Edward and his mother kept going on about my well being and what I should do in regards to Bree. It was exhausting and soon I had enough.

I walked away from the group and to the window that looked out on the Cullens' backyard. I pressed my forehead against the cool glass and tried to tune out the sounds that were coming from behind me.

"Are you alright?"

Doctor Deacon. His concern sounded genuine. It was weird.

"I don't think you want to know the answer to that," I warned him.

"It's been a long day," Doctor Deacon commented.

I had to agree with him on that. "Yes, it sure has been."

"All of this must be a lot for you to take in. Your father. Demetri. Bree."

I nodded and continued to stare outside, trying to focus on the multitude of colored roses that had started to blossom.

Doctor Deacon came to stand beside me, staring at them as well.

"Esme's pride. Her roses. Every year she makes sure they bloom again. They make the garden smell wonderful and rich...

"Of course when Emmett and Edward were little, we had soccer balls and baseballs squashing the buds before they could open. Esme would scold the boys but she was never the disciplinarian. She tried to make Emmett and Edward more aware of plants and such by making them help her out in the garden but they both hated it. Two boys who loved to get dirty while playing sports, hated getting dirt on their hands from planting something."

I imagined a tiny Edward clumsily helping Esme and it was a cute picture. I wasn't fooled though. I knew that Doctor Deacon was trying to make peace with me by sharing a funny anecdote as if we were equals. As if he enjoyed sharing that story with _me._

Like an olive branch or whatever. But this wasn't him waving a white flag and trying to show acceptance.

I was certain he just wanted to absolve himself from any guilt for treating the poor sexually abused girl badly. If he felt anything toward me, it was just that: guilt and pity. There was nothing genuine or pure about any of it.

If it had been, he would have apologized.

"Cute story," I mumbled before I turned to face him. He flashed me a polite smile.

I turned to look over my shoulder to make sure the others couldn't hear me, not because what I was about to say was some sort of a secret, but because I didn't want to throw another argument in the mix.

But they were all still taking amongst themselves, unaware of Doctor Deacon and me standing here.

"Let's get something straight," I started, calm and without hostility. "I know you don't like me."

"Bella..."

"No. Please don't think you need to change your opinion now that you know about my past. I don't need your pity."

"I don't pity you," Doctor Deacon countered.

I snorted. "Yes, you do."

"Bella, I know you and I haven't gotten off on the right foot..."

"And whose fault is that?" I interrupted.

Doctor Deacon sighed. "Mine. I treated you unfairly. I know it doesn't make a difference but I was only looking out for Edward."

"That may be so, but that doesn't take away the fact that you don't like me. You can be polite with me and maybe you can learn to tolerate me in Edward's life, but if you had your say...

"If I had my say then yes, I would've liked to see Edward do different things. I do want him to become a priest. I don't expect you to understand that, given your experiences with church and clergymen-"

"What does that mean?" I muttered. I hated how he could be so patronizing, even when he was trying to be nice. "I think I respect you and your beliefs more than you will ever respect me in general."

Edward's father shook his head. "I am talking about Laurent. I can't even refer to him by his Catholic title, he doesn't deserve it..." Doctor Deacon muttered.

"Laurent?" I interrupted as I felt a strange new panic surge. How did he know about Laurent and why did it creep me out that he did?

"Edward didn't tell you?"

"_What_ did Edward tell _you?_" I countered accusingly, thinking Edward had blabbed to his father about the man who had raped me.

"Nothing. Demetri did. Since Laurent is, well was, part of the congregation in New Orleans."

New Orleans... Edward had mentioned there were issues with the church there. I didn't understand how Laurent factored in though.

"Laurent was a man at the club I used to… uh… work, I don't think he went to church, he didn't seem..." I started but then a voice from behind us interrupted me before I could deduce the clues lying out in front of me.

"Dad... don't. She doesn't know."

I turned and Edward stood there, his eyebrows knit together in worry, which in turn made me feel worried too. He sounded sad and remorseful.

"Edward?" I asked unsurely. "What's going on?"

He took my hand. "Come on... let's go take a walk in my mom's garden."

* * *

**EPOV**

So far Bella had been a trooper with all this. Meeting her father, hearing about this Bree girl that was apparently Aro's new "toy", she had dealt with it surprisingly well.

Of course, underneath all the bickering, that little but very significant piece of information about Laurent - the man who had done such unspeakable things to her- being a clergyman and Aro's cousin had gotten buried.

It seemedstupid now to not tell Bella about this sooner. For letting all this arguing and trying to convince one another of our own causes get in the way.

It meant I had been forced to drop another bomb shell on her.

"He's Aro's cousin?" Bella asked and her voice was meek. I often wondered how she could bear it; the memories, the nightmares. Having to live with what these monsters had done to her and still be able to get up in the morning and see the good sides of life.

"Yes. He is a Monsignor and belongs to the congregation in New Orleans. Apparently he's been breaking the rules but his church can't set the appropriate penalty because Rome prevents it."

"Rome, as in the Vatican."

I nodded.

"Because of his connection to Aro," Bella deduced quietly.

"Yes. Apparently that grants him an odd kind of immunity. Even from an arrest, it seems."

"Until they arrest Aro," she muttered. "Then he loses his protection."

We were walking in my mother's rose garden, her pride and joy, and while the sun was out and the atmosphere was scented with lovely fragrances, there was a dark cloud hanging overhead, hovering above us with constant shocks and bomb shells.

"I am so sorry for not telling you earlier. I know it's no excuse but there was so much focus on Charlie and…"

"It's fine," Bella muttered. "Every time I believe this can't get any worse, it gets worse. I don't know how much more I can take."

I stopped in front of her and forced her to look at me. Her chocolate eyes were brimming with unshed tears of frustration and her porcelain skin was splotchy. I traced the dried tear stains and leaned in to press my lips against her forehead.

"I am so very sorry." I said. "I wish I could make it all go away."

"So do I..." Bella murmured as she buried her head in my chest and I wrapped my arms around her tightly.

We stood there for a while, embracing the momentary silence. I looked toward the window and noticed my mother standing there. She flashed me a sad smile when our eyes met.

"I guess the church in New Orleans want to catch him too, no matter what the Vatican recommends. Is that why Father Masen went there all those times?" Bella wondered suddenly.

"I don't know, to be honest. I know he's met Demetri and... Charlie but I don't know if he is as involved as my father is. I suppose as spiritual leader of St. Joseph he was obligated to report back should Laurent contact him by any chance. Not that it would've made a difference, considering the fact Laurent is protected by Aro and even the congregation in New Orleans can't go against that."

"You can call him my dad you know," Bella pointed out, picking up on my ongoing hesitation to refer to Charlie as her father. "You won't step on my toes if you do."

"I don't want to call him that because I don't believe he deserves the title," I said.

"That makes two of us," Bella said.

"So, what happens now? Now that you know everything, or well, at least all the basics?"

"I want to go home. I am done with this day. With this entire thing." Bella sighed. "I just want to move on."

"I understand that. But can I point out that my mother had a point about Bree and how you would feel guilty about not helping to protect her… I mean, I am all for leaving Demetri and Charlie to deal with all this, but I don't want you to feel bad about this girl afterwards."

"I don't even know her," Bella huffed in protest. "And I don't want to be used as anyone's pawn or bait to catch him."

"But you don't want to let this girl down either, even if she's a stranger," I pointed out. "That's not who you are."

"I know." Bella sighed. "I want to be brave and a part of me wants to confront Aro, not just because of this girl, but because I want to see him and show him that he didn't break me and that he doesn't own me anymore."

I smiled, proud of her determination and her strength, even if she was scared to do this.

"You're very strong and courageous," I pointed out as I pressed my lips to her forehead once more.

"Well, I am going to need it."

"Bella, you know I support you in whatever you want, but going to Italy…it's a bad idea. If Demetri and Charlie want to go on a rogue mission, they should do it without you," I said.

"You're right. Therefore, if they want my help, they're going to have to play by the rules," she agreed cryptically.

* * *

**BPOV**

It was an insane plan, no matter if it had an official sign of approval or not. No matter what the chosen location would be. I would still have to see him, confront him and relive memories I wanted to keep buried.

But there was no choice. This wasn't just about that fourteen year old girl, who would be facing years of Aro coming into her room to violate her, if someone wouldn't be able to stop him. This was also about the fourteen year old girl in me that needed to face this monster and defeat him.

Well, at least I had to try.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the passenger seat of the Volvo. At least we were on our way home now. I welcomed that because I was exhausted and spending the day on an emotional roller coaster made me long for the simplicity of snuggling in Edward's arms while watching bad TV.

"Demetri said he can take care of the travel arrangements," Edward's voice pulled me from my thoughts as he drove us home. "He'll call as soon as he has the details."

I nodded, while I continued to wonder if this was actually a good idea.

"Bella, baby, you don't have to..."

"Baby?"

That was new.

"I am trying it out," Edward said sheepishly. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable…"

"Not really… it's just different..."

"You don't like it," Edward guessed.

"I've had men… call me that when they uh… yeah," I told him.

Edward nodded in understanding.

"Hmm, that's out then," he decided firmly.

"You don't _have to_ use a term of endearment, you know."

"I want to," Edward said. "What would you call me? And no funny names, please," he added teasingly.

I knew it was an attempt to try and lighten the mood.

"Choir boy," I deadpanned.

"I said term of endearment, Bella. Not a teasing nickname."

"Eddie?"

"Bella…" Edward warned me but there was a smile playing on his lips.

"Maybe Cullen. Like 'Yo, Cullen, get your fine ass out of bed…or into bed'."

"Fine ass?" Edward asked curiously. "Really?"

"Very Fine… hmm, that should be it. Very Fine Ass."

Edward chuckled. "That might earn us a few curious looks in public. Not to mention Emmett's everlasting torment if he knew."

"Well, no one has to know," I teased. "We could use it strictly in the comfort of our own… bedroom." I winked.

We both chuckled until the sound died down.

"About this plan...are you sure you want to go through with it?" Edward asked suddenly. "I mean, it may not be as moronic as what Demetri and Charlie initially wanted but it's still very risky."

"Didn't you say that this girl needed help and that I wouldn't feel good about not helping her in the end? So yes, I do have to do this. I have to help them, even if it's still an insane plan. I agreed to it on my own terms, Demetri and Charlie know that."

"Fine. But then, I am going with you," Edward declared suddenly and my instant reaction was to tell him that he wasn't. "You're not going to go through this alone."

I shook my head.

"No Edward, you're not coming," I protested.

"Of course I am. I am not going to let you go by yourself," he said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"There is no need for you to get involved. Besides, you have school and all that," I pointed out. "You're so close to graduating, it would be a shame to travel right now and risk not being able to hand in your dissertation in time because of it...

"Because of me."

"I don't care. I am not letting you go alone."

"Edward…"

"No, Bella. It's not happening. I don't care about school or anything else but making sure that you're safe."

"You don't have to protect me," I muttered.

I had to protect him.

"Let's talk about it later," he suggested. "Let's forget about it and relax for the rest of the evening. That's what you want right?"

I nodded before sinking back into my own thoughts about packing and traveling and Edward not going with me.

* * *

The apartment was like we had left it; half filled breakfast plates on the kitchen counter and an unmade bed that reminded me of the liaison that had taken place before all hell had broken loose.

I wouldn't mind going back to that.

"What do you want to do?" Edward asked, pulling me from my thoughts as he helped me pull off my coat, so he could put it away.

"I guess we have to wait until Demetri calls," I mumbled, dreading the moment he would because that would make the concept of actually confronting Aro all the more real.

"Might as well cook some dinner, watch some TV," I said.

"You know you don't have to do this, right?"

I sighed. "We've had this discussion before."

"Because you're being a martyr by thinking you need to do this alone," Edward pointed out. "I don't think it would be wise for you to be part of a confrontation with Aro in any case, but if you insist on going, it won't be without me there to support you."

What Edward said made sense. Except for the part where I didn't want him to be there because it would be too unsafe and he could get caught in the line of fire.

If Aro knew how important Edward was to me, he would try to do anything he possibly could to hurt him. He had that kind of power and influence.

"You're not going," I said wryly.

Although we had initially agreed not to discuss it any further tonight, I wanted to get it out of the way now.

A part of me wanted him to be there, but that was a selfish part. I had to do this by myself, to keep him safe.

"Stop being so stubborn!" Edward huffed, as he sat down on the sofa. "You think it's more safe for me to stay here but do you really believe that I can tolerate the idea of you going off by yourself, knowing you're there all alone and vulnerable. It's not happening, Bella."

"Edward…"

"No Bella, it's very simple; we either go together or we don't go at all and we'll let them fix it by themselves."

I sighed, as the effects of the day weighed on my shoulders. I just wanted to forget about everything. Edward was right, we should just relax.

"Maybe we should drop it, like you suggested earlier. My head is starting to hurt from all this and I don't want to fight."

"We can do whatever you want," Edward said. "Just tell me what you want. What you need."

I didn't tell him, I showed him by climbing into his lap and pressing my lips against his.

Edward didn't hesitate to put his arms around my waist and hold on to me tightly. I needed that, to be as close to him as possible because it was the only way I felt protected.

"Edward," I sighed contently when I pulled away to catch my breath.

"I love you," he reassured me. "I just want you to be safe."

"I know that. But you don't have to protect me," I repeated again.

"Then what do I do?" he asked.

"Just love me," I murmured and I knew he'd get the double meaning in my words.

Edward smiled. "I do love you."

* * *

**EPOV**

I picked Bella up bridal style and carried her to the bedroom. She giggled when I dropped her onto the mattress unceremoniously but was quick to drag me down with her, which resulted in us wrestling on the bed, laughing and tickling and touching and kissing. It was playful and stress free and in that moment that was exactly what we needed.

After a little while our kissing became less playful and more frantic and needy. All too soon clothes were shed and we were entangled and slick with sweat.

Our bodies responded to one another and my throbbing erection found Bella's warmth easily and without any hesitation I entered her fast. Bella cried out in pleasure while I echoed her feelings by grunting something unintelligibly.

We moved slowly at first, both of us savoring the closeness after this hectic and bizarre day. It was easier to control myself now and to last longer but I was still unprepared when Bella pushed me away and flipped us over. Suddenly she was in control although it wasn't aggressive. She pushed me down and climbed on top of me. I was a little taken aback by the boldness of her move and the way she guided my penis back into her warm folds.

This position was definitely different and when my initial shock wore off, I marveled in how this angle and the way Bella moved on top of me created new sensations in the pit of my stomach and lower regions.

I grunted and groaned and moved up a little, encircling Bella's waist to draw her into my arms while we moved in an equal rhythm.

When we both came, it was hard and fast and it illustrated the need for our release. But the underlining feeling was the same as the first time we made love, even if this was more aggressive. It was still affirming. Our connection, our love.

Like Bella had said before, it was everything.

* * *

"Wow." Bella giggled.

I had to agree with her. She was curled into my side, her head resting on my shoulder as we both caught our breath.

Her warm skin pressed against mine felt like I was wrapped in silk. There was really nothing like being this close to her, naked as we were.

"Sex is not so bad, huh," she teased.

"Nope," I told her, before kissing her forehead.

It was something I could see myself not getting enough of and while that was a little inconvenient in general because it was distracting to say the least, it was also one of the best ways to show Bella how much I loved her.

"Do you feel bad, because you're breaking some sort of Catholic vow?" Bella wondered.

"Why would that make me feel bad that I've chosen you and all that comes with it, including this?" I said, pulling her closer to emphasize my point. "I mean this," I emphasized as I kissed her cheek and pulled her closer, "is pretty amazing."

Bella sighed contently as she traced patterns on my chest.

"Tell me something," I spoke softly, breaking the silence.

"What?"

"Why don't you want me to go with you? And don't bring the school excuse into it again. We both know that's ridiculous. As is the safety excuse."

"But it's not an excuse. I want you to be safe. Which means you have to stay in Seattle," Bella said.

She sounded determined but I wasn't about to let that throw me off.

"That's not good enough. I'll be just as safe as you."

"No you won't. I told you before that Aro," - she said his name with obvious disgust, "is very powerful. He would know that hurting you would be my ultimate weakness and he won't hesitate to do so when he realizes how important you are to me."

"Bella, we'll be surrounded by FBI. Granted, I doubt their competence all together with the way they operate but I think we'd be relatively safe," I said. "Well at least I'll make darn sure you'l be."

She lifted herself up a little so she could face me properly. "That's not enough when it comes to you. It can't be _relatively_ safe. It needs to be completely safe and if that's not the case then you're not going."

"And you will? So you're allowed to worry about me and protect me, but I can't do the same?

"That's not really fair, Bella…" I muttered.

"You can't fight me on this," she said.

"I can and I will. I know you want to be stubborn, but we are a team and we need to do these things together," I said firmly. "Do you really want to be there all by yourself with Demetri and Charlie? In a place that holds so many bad memories for you?"

Bella frowned. I was certain she didn't want that.

"No, but when I am there and I have to worry about you as well, that's really not going to contribute in a positive way"

"Bella…"

"Edward…"

I sighed, as did she. We were in an impasse. I didn't want to force her to do something she didn't want to do but at the same time, it was difficult to process that she wanted to follow through with thiswithout me. I simply couldn't let that happen.

"Would you really stop me if I came after you?"

"I'd find you a tad stupid," she pointed out. "But I wouldn't stop you."

"So it's stupid to care for you, to want to protect you?" I said incredulously.

Bella sighed and shook her head. "That's not what I said. I don't find you stupid, but it would be reckless to be in Aro's vicinity. He can and will hurt you."

"It would be just as reckless for you," I pointed out. "I mean, how trustworthy are Demetri and Charlie? I can't even trust my own dad, let alone these two men who probably aren't even straightforward with us."

Bella yawned and I knew she was tired so I decided to drop it for now. Once Demetri would call with travel arrangements we could always decide what to do.

* * *

**BPOV**

The room was quiet with only a hint of moonlight streaming in. I snuggled close to Edward, as I listened to his light snoring. For some odd reason it was very soothing.

The light cast shadows on the walls and it lit Edwards face with a beautiful halo, the soft light high-lighting his chiseled jaw and pouty lips that suddenly looked very kissable.

Unable to resist I lifted myself up a little, leaning in to capture his lips with my own. He murmured something inaudible when our lips touched and sighed contently.

"I love you," I whispered to which Edward responded by whispering my name reverently.

I was about to sink back into the pillows and let sleep take me when there was an explosion of light and suddenly, I was no longer in the safety of our bedroom. I was walking down a corridor with stone walls and marble pillars. There were multi-colored windows high above me and the rainbow colored display was making iconic shapes on the pristine walls.

I kept walking, mesmerized by the beauty of it until I reached the end of the corridor, which had led me to a large room.

Situated in the middle of that room was a large wooden cross, big and threatening as it took up such a dominant spot. A space that looked dreary and cold, despite the sunlight that was streaming in.

I walked closer, following the sound of hammering. It wasn't just my own heart, it was actual hammering. Someone was slamming nails into the large wooden cross.

And then, as if my ears had been deaf to the sound before, I heard the piercing screams that were coming from the cross.

While I could only see the back of the thing, I noticed the outline of someone; someone hanging on the cross.

Someone was being nailed to the cross.

Standing next to the cross were three men, while a fourth kept slamming nails into this person's flesh, seemingly unaffected by their screams of agony.

Once I reached the cross, the man stopped hammering for a moment and the three others tore their eyes away from the person on the cross to look at me.

I took them in one by one. The first was tall with sandy blond hair and cool blue eyes. He flashed me an arrogant smirk but remained silent.

The second was almost as tall as the first but his eyes were a little warmer and the strangest hue between blue and green. His hair was a cool blond and his chiseled jaw and pouty lips made him look very attractive.

When our eyes met I noticed how sad he looked. He blinked a few times before he looked away and back to the cross, where the fourth man had started to slam nails into the flesh of the person hanging again.

The third man was the shortest and also the scruffiest. His eyes were a warm brown and a beard and a thick mustache covered his face.

When he met my gaze, there was a strange sense of recognition. I wanted to ask him if we had met before, but before I could, he simply shook his head and looked away.

The men seemed just as unaffected by the screams behind me as the person causing said agony. To me they became louder and louder. It was impossible to ignore them as the sound burned my ears and bled into my brain as an everlasting reminder.

I turned around and for the first time my eyes fell on the person hanging on the cross.

It was a boy, no older than thirteen or maybe fourteen. His face was pale but gorgeous and his beauty took my breath away.

His hair looked copper or bronze and it was brilliant, especially with the way the light played with the locks, the bronze turned to auburn and gold when the sun hit it in the right spot.

But the thing that captivated me the most were his eyes. They were the brightest green I had ever seen and despite his obvious pain, they still shone brightly.

The hammering stopped again, as did the screaming. But the damage was visible as I looked him over. Blood was dripping down his wrists, making a trail down his arms, which were spread horizontally.

His ankles displayed the same kind of wounds. His naked torso - still boyish but with a hint of building muscles - was covered in cuts and bruises.

I looked back at his face and he was looking at me. His full red but cracked lips were moving but there was no sound, so I couldn't hear what he was saying. I suspected he was asking for my help though.

I turned to the man who was watching this obvious pain with satisfaction, and grabbed onto his arm, forcing him to look at me.

At first he paid no attention to my pleas but when he realized I wasn't going to stop, he was forced to acknowledge me. His eyes met mine and they spat fire.

In those pitch black and angry irises I could read the sadistic nature of this man and the pleasure he gained from hurting this boy.

I knew the boy wouldn't survive.

"Isabella," the evil man spoke with annoyance, surprising me with knowing my name. "Please step back. I don't want you to ruin your pretty white dress. You need to remain pure."

I looked myself over and noticed the pretty white cotton and lace dress and the drops of blood on the skirt.

I recognized this look from a long time ago. When Aro and his church had declared me pure before he had defiled me so badly.

But there was no time to dwell. This boy was hurting and I had to save him.

"You have to get him down, he's bleeding!" I argued.

The man laughed sadistically and shook his head. "You always were so very naïve. He's not just bleeding, he's dying.

"And it's your entire fault."

I looked at the boy, who was now no longer fourteen. He was older now; a man. A man with copper and bronze hair and jade eyes I frequently lost myself in.

A man I knew so well.

A man I loved.

"Bella," he whispered. "I love…"

And then he went silent. The room went silent, except for Aro's piercing laughter.

"Edward," I screamed and my body shot up, straight into the safety of two strong arms.

"Sssh, my love," the voice I knew so well whispered. "I've got you. I won't let anything happen to you…

"I promise."

* * *

**EPOV**

She looked shaken up, trembling as I gently pushed her back down onto her pillow, stroking her cheeks to catch the tears and wipe them away.

"Sssh," I soothed her. "It's alright, everything is alright."

But I knew it was a lie. Things were far from alright. This nightmare had to have been one of the worst because I'd never seen Bella so upset.

"He killed you!" Bella kept murmuring frantically. "He killed you!"

"No one killed me," I tried to assure her. "I am fine. Everything will be fine."

But as she closed her eyes and tried to calm herself and I put my arms around her tightly to make her feel protected, I wasn't so sure if that was going to be the case.

* * *

**BPOV**

Edward looked peaceful in his sleep and it tugged at my heart when I thought of what I was about to do. I was betraying him in the worst way possible by leaving now but I had no choice.

I knew the chance of that fucking horrendous nightmare actually coming to pass was minimal but the symbolism and the conclusion I took from it had just as much impact.

Maybe it was just a dream with no sign of foreboding at all but there was no doubt that Aro was dangerous. He wouldn't hesitate to harm Edward in the most sadistic ways possible if he had the chance. He would relish in it.

Edward didn't see it that way because he didn't know what Aro was capable of. I did. I had seen how he treated people who crossed him. And I had experienced his wrath myself. That's why I had to do this alone even if it would seem to Edward and everyone else that I was running again.

And although I wasn't running and I would definitely be back, I was well aware that bysneaking off like this, I could potentially jeopardize the foundation of trust we had built.

Still, I had to take that risk because keeping Edward safe was much more important. I just had to hold on to the hope that he would someday understand.

It killed me to do it and I felt like I was irrevocably betraying him but this was something I had to do on my own.

I tiptoed to the living room and picked up the small carry-on bag with only a few items of clothing, because I wasn't planning on staying away for long. I would do whatever Charlie and Demetri expected me to do and then I would return back to Edward, as soon as possible.

I grabbed my phone and selected the last chosen number before pressing the green send button.

I waited until the person on the other side picked up.

"I need you to come pick me up."

* * *

**EPOV**

I instinctively knew something was wrong when I woke up. For starters, Bella wasn't there in my arms where she usually was. Where she belonged.

And my instincts were proven right when I reached out and touched the pristine piece of paper that was on Bella's pillow instead of Bella herself.

I didn't need to read it to know her message.

_Dear Edward,_

_I know you want to keep me safe, I want to do the same. Don't hate me. I'll do what needs to be done and then I'll come home, I promise. Don't be angry._

_I love you, always._

_Yours, _

_Bella._

She had left. Because she was so damn stubborn she had left.

I wasn't angry, I was disappointed. I thought she would know better by now but clearly I was mistaken.

Of course, I didn't have much time to let the feeling sink in because if I couldn't stop her, I at least had to follow her and I had no idea how much of a head start Bella had. Her pillow was cold and the apartment was silent, so she could have been gone for several hours possibly.

I had to follow her though, because there was no way Bella was going to face this alone. I grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled them on rapidly, before searching for a t-shirt and a hoodie. Last, I grabbed some socks that I put on as I stumbled into the living room to look for my chucks.

I looked around and found them by the sofa. Then when I looked up, I was surprised to find I wasn't alone.

On the sofa was a tiny brunette, looking angry as she kicked against the duffel bag that lay at her feet.

The situation might have been comical, had it not been so tragic.

"You didn't get very far," I muttered.

"Demetri says that if you're ready then we're leaving for the airport in thirty minutes. He's waiting outside."

"Judging from your note, I gather this put a kink in your plan to leave without me," I pointed out.

Bella's face morphed into something less angry, her features softening. She looked remorseful.

"I just wanted to protect you," she explained quietly.

"And you would have been gone by now, if Demetri had helped you?"

"Yes, but apparently he doesn't want to," she muttered. "He thinks I would be better off if you came with me."

I nodded. "Then he is right. Besides, I would have come after you."

I turned to walk away but Bella halted me. "I would have come back."

I turned back and nodded. "I know. But you still seem to think you're alone in all this. You're not. I'm disappointed you wanted to do this without me," I said before walking away to pack some things. "Without a proper goodbye."

"You wouldn't have let me leave!" Bella called out.

I halted at the door and looked over my shoulder.

"No, I wouldn't have. Because I love you and I refuse to let you face this all alone."

* * *

**BPOV**

Edward was angry and I knew he had every right to be. I had reverted back to the way my former self had used to deal with things. On her own. Ironically, it had been Demetri of all freaking people who had stopped me from making that mistake.

When I had called him, he hadn't been surprised and he had agreed to come and pick me up. Apparently travel arrangements hadn't been an issue.

But when Demetri had arrived, he hadn't stealthily alerted me he was downstairs with a call or text message. No, he had come upstairs, pounding on the door deliberately to make some noise. Clearly he'd had no intention of being discreet and allowing us to slip away quickly.

It hadn't instantly woken Edward but it was enough for Demetri to demonstrate that he wasn't going to take me anywhere without Edward.

"Have you learned nothing?" he had argued, not keeping his voice down and seemingly eager to awake Edward. "Cut the bullshit Bella and go wake up your boyfriend."

"I don't want him involved!" I had hissed. "We're going without him!"

"Newsflash, little one," Demetri had muttered. "He _is_ involved. And he loves you. And this trip is going to be freaking hard on you, weighing you down. You need him. So, go wake him up!"

I'd dropped my bag angrily and plopped down on the sofa.

Demetri wasn't impressed with my anger, so I had to resort to pitiful begging.

"Demetri, please, for me… I don't want Aro to know about Edward. He will kill him if he knew that was my weakness… please…"

"Bella…"

"Please…"

"What makes you think he'll be safe here? Trust me; if he comes with us, he is more protected. And I can't stress enough that you need him there."

"I..."

Before I could respond Demetri gestured for me to be quiet as he listened intently for a few moments.

There were soft sounds coming from the bedroom.

"I think Edward just woke up… so you tell him to get ready because we're leaving in thirty minutes."

"Demetri…" I had hissed but he had turned and left before Edward had stumbled into the living room, struggling to dress himself.

And now Edward was going with me, which a part of me was actually happy about. But another part – and I wasn't sure if that was the dominant part - dreaded it because it meant I couldn't keep him safe.

I could face the monster by myself, but I didn't know if I could face the monster and protect Edward from getting hurt.

* * *

**EPOV**

Sea-Tac was crowded and I could tell that it made Bella nervous. She was fidgeting as I pulled her along while Demetri pushed the luggage cart next to us. We were looking for Charlie who had agreed to meet us here.

"I don't see him," Demetri muttered and he sounded agitated. I kept a firm hold on Bella's hand as I led her alongside me. I wasn't going to let her escape again.

"We're flying private," he repeated absentmindedly, something he had mentioned a few times since we had left the apartment.

It took a while but eventually we found Charlie and the right gate where a private jet was awaiting us. Once we were checked in and boarded onto the plane without incidents, there was time to relax a little.

Bella and I didn't speak much as we sat next to each other during takeoff. She focused her attention on the small window where Seattle's landmarks became smaller and smaller while she occasionally snuck side glances at me.

"You're still angry?" Bella asked once we up the air, floating above the cloud deck.

In truth, I was. The disappointment I had felt earlier was now replaced with a combination of anxiety and anger that Bella was so darn stubborn and always wanted to do all these things by herself.

But then, when she looked at me with those wide chocolate eyes that were filled with worry and anxiety, I found it hard not to be affected. The anger dissipated and I reached out to cup her cheek.

"I understand your worry, but this isn't just about you anymore. This is about the two of us. We're a team," I pointed out as I drew her closer to me, which was easier now that there weren't any seatbelts in the way.

"I still think you shouldn't be here," Bella argued as she snuggled in my arms. "I can't believe Demetri sold me out." She grumbled.

"And I can't believe you decided to leave like that. A note on my pillow?"

"I was desperate," Bella said.

"I think you were foolish. I thought we were beyond this; beyond you running, even it's for my protection, as you claim," I pointed out.

"I stand by what I feel; I don't want you to get hurt…

"But I am glad you're here."

"No place I'd rather be," I whispered before leaning in to kiss her cheek.

We slipped back into silence after that. I held Bella close and stroked her hair while she picked at my t-shirt and played with the strings of my hoodie. We watched a movie and ate some breakfast which wasn't nearly as good as Bella's cooking.

Demetri and Charlie both flashed us occasional glances but we both ignored them.

Eventually, both Bella and I managed to doze off a little and weren't awakened until Demetri shook my shoulder and told us to fasten our seatbelts again and prepare for landing.

Bella yawned and stretched before she clicked the metal back into place. I did the same.

As her lucidity fully returned, so did the realization, that she was back at the place it all started.

Bella looked out the small window and gasped as the rising sun filtered in and the landing strip came into closer view.

"We're here….

"Chicago."

* * *

**Okay...well...this chapter is kind of all over the place, which fits in with the emotions and the motivations of all the players. Re: Charlie and Demetri's plan: Italy is out, Chicago is in, because FBI has jurisdiction and they could bring in Chicago PD too. That's Bella's condition to agree. That it's official business. The "brilliant" plan as presented here is also altered, but more about that next chapter. As for Bella's personal reasons to go through with it; it's not just about Bree. It's also about facing the monster, so she can finally let it go and heal/recover properly.**

**Charlie and Demetri and their plan to go to Italy on an "illegal mission" is desperation. They've been wanting to catch this man for a long time. But, more about that in future chapters too.**

**On a more serious note. I have been spamming this, but I am writing a brand new story/ one shot for this: fandomcause(dot)info(slash)our-cause/ It's a great cause. Please donate and/or join!**

**I keep repeating it but ****all the support, reviews, shout-outs and the knowledge people read this means the world to me. It's very motivating and inspiring. So thank you so much :)**

**I am on Twitter, follow at your own risk: (at)bronzehyperion (I am VERY annoying ;)**

**Have a happy weekend! Special shout out to my friend and BETA Parama: Get well soon! :)**


	54. Three Wise Men

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 52: THREE WISE MEN**

Chicago.

The windy city.

I had never been here before. From what little I had seen when travelling from the airport to the hotel, it certainly had a nice appeal with the way it lay stretched out on the banks of Lake Michigan and I wished I could fully appreciate it but it was difficult to enjoy these new surroundings, knowing this city was so strongly related to the trauma Bella had suffered.

The cab ride to the hotel had been quiet. In fact, Bella had been quiet ever since we'd touched down at O'Hare airport. I'd let her be, not wanting to push her to talk and share her feelings, but I did hold her hand and kept her close, so she'd understand that I was there for her when she needed me.

It wasn't until we were alone in our suite at the InterContinental hotel in downtown Chicago that Bella showed a sign of wanting to open up by letting out a deep breath before she buried herself in my arms.

"This is hard," she admitted, her words quiet and thoughtful. There was less emotion in her voice than I expected, although I could sense some anxiety. But there was something about her attitude; she was almost solemn. That was definitely an unusual attitude for Bella, who was usually very passionate and strong headed about her feelings, even if she didn't want to share them.

But now she seemed different. And the common, natural reaction was to tell her that I understood, but in reality there was no way I ever could. I could support Bella and try and protect her to the best to my abilities, but I would never be able to fully understand how being here again truly affected her.

To me, it was just the windy city. Chicago, a place I had never been and would have happily explored under different circumstances.

But to Bella, it represented years of agony and trauma. And no words I could offer her would be able to take that away.

So instead, I did the only thing I could.

I apologized.

"I am so sorry," I told Bella in earnest but she waved it off without a response.

"I want…" Bella started before shutting her mouth again and frowning.

"What do you want?" I said, almost eager. Whatever it took, whatever she wanted, I was willing to give it, desperate to make it happen. Just so I wouldn't feel so useless, while she was probably completely falling apart inside, even if she wasn't showing it.

"I want this to go smoothly. I want to catch him and have it over with," Bella said, her voice void of emotion, which frightened me a little. "It's bad enough we still have to wait more than two days before we can actually do something," she added bitterly. "Until then I just have to fuc...grin and bear it."

I nodded, not sure what I should tell her. I felt silly for not being able to support her better.

And stupid for pushing her. I had told her that she would feel guilty if she didn't at least try and help this girl. But at the same time, I wanted to keep her away from all of this. The two emotions collided and it wasn't helping Bella at all.

"You don't have to watch your mouth for me," I told her. "I am sure there are some colorful expletives you want to let out, perhaps you should. It might help."

At any other time, Bella would have probably done as I suggested, but like I'd said, she was different now. Reserved and introspective. Like her body was here, but her head was elsewhere.

"No, it's okay." She shrugged.

"I owe you an apology." I sighed, after the silence got to be too much.

Bella frowned. "Why? I mean you keep apologizing… It's kind of annoying to be honest."

She wasn't joking; there wasn't a hint of a smile playing on her lips.

"I want to apologize because I know I am being horrible at supporting you. I mean, on the one hand I told you it was your decision to come to Chicago, telling you that you didn't have to do this and on the other hand, I've been pressuring you by pointing out the guilt you'd feel if you didn't help this girl. A girl you know nothing about. That was wrong of me."

"Well, I know you only want to do what's best for me. I understand that there's a lot of conflicting emotions. And it's not like I haven't been difficult either. I tried to leave without you."

I frowned as I remembered how it felt when I thought Bella had left without me. I remembered the note she had written and how I had found a sulking and abrasive girl sitting on the sofa, after her plan had failed.

But that didn't matter anymore because it didn't change the fact that we were both here now.

"I suppose we both didn't handle this well, which is understandable, given what we're dealing with," I said, to which Bella nodded in response.

"How do you feel about being here?" I wondered. "And be honest…"

"It's scary and weird at the same time. I lived here for quite some time but I never really got the chance to get to know the city. He never let me. I was cooped up inside most of the time... but now that I am here... it's nothing like I had imagined. The city is not like how I remember it. Perhaps that's because it's always been a representation of bad things for me. Now I barely recognize it."

Bella wasn't usually this candid, so I let her talk. I had to admit that I was quite curious about some of the details from her former life though I would never want to pressure her to tell me. It was better if she told me because she wanted to.

"Were you home-schooled?" I asked, thinking it was a neutral question. "I mean, since you never got to see much of the city..."

Bella nodded. "I had the best of teachers. Which is ironic, right? Considering my foul mouth and lack in diplomas."

"I know you are smart," I pointed out. "The bad language is just a protection mechanism. And sometimes you use it when you're frustrated…

"…but you have toned it down, which proves it isn't really you."

Bella sighed as she looked out the window. We had a nice view of sky scrapers and the Chicago River. "I used to never curse. I guess you are right, I started using it to protect myself…" She chuckled. "Do you remember the one time you cursed?"

I remembered. Just like Bella, it had been out of sheer frustration. I had been so angry that she would risk her progress by going to some sleazy motel with some guy to punish herself and me in the process. I wondered if she had loved me then. I wanted to believe that she did, just like I had loved her from the start, even if it was a foreign emotion that I hadn't been able to recognize at first.

I had also been angry with myself for pushing her toward such a thing. To act so desperate that she would allow that vulgar man to take advantage of her.

"I remember."

"Is it strange that I found that kind of hot?" Bella whispered as she turned to look at me.

I chuckled dryly. "A little."

"You never did it again."

"I suppose it's just not who I am." I shrugged. "Maybe when I get angry or frustrated something like that would slip out, but it's not something programmed inside of me."

"Unlike with me." Bella sighed.

"I don't think it's natural for you either, I mean, you weren't raised to do it… or taught by example..."

"I had very little example, period," Bella pointed out.

"True," I agreed. "Speaking of examples, or a lack thereof… how do you feel about Charlie being here? About having to interact with him."

Bella shrugged before she turned back to the window. "He means nothing to me."

I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, resting my head on her shoulder. "I don't really believe that," I said.

Bella twisted her head so that she could look at me, her lips practically touching my cheek as she spoke. "Edward, he has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with me. He just wants to do his job, whether I understand it or like it or not. He is not looking to make amends or have a teary reunion."

"And you are?" I wondered. Bella untangled herself from me and sighed. "I don't know." She huffed. "I just…"

"Just what?"

"He's supposed to be a father, right? I mean, underneath it all there should be some sort of emotion toward me, the fact that I am his daughter. But there is nothing. Just like there never was," she muttered in a sad voice.

I realized that I knew little to nothing about her life as a child in Forks.

"Do you remember anything from those days? Growing up in Forks, I mean."

"Nothing that's worth remembering. Charlie was the sheriff in Forks and he was almost always gone, which had everything to do with my darling mother and nothing with an actual crime rate.

"Anyway, he was never there, so when I wasn't in school, I was at home, with her. And well, she hated me, so that wasn't fun…"

"Did you have any other relatives? Or friends?"

I hoped she would tell me yes, that there had been someone to make her days better because the thought of Bella being completely alone as a child was such a tragic and heartbreaking reality, that it was hard to fathom.

Of course she confirmed the worst in an almost blasé and bored tone.

"Nope, just me. I vaguely recall that Charlie would sometimes take me to the local diner where he usually ate. There was this woman there, I believe her name was Diane and she would always give me extra berry cobbler…"

Another sad sigh. "It doesn't matter. She was nice enough but she didn't know that my father was a jerk and my mother a bitc… horrible person. They knew how to keep up appearances quite well."

"I wish I would have known you back then… I would have been your friend."

Bella snorted. "That's such an Edward thing to say." She turned and flashed me a sweet smile. "Thank you. Although it is pretty naïve, it's also a very sweet thought."

"I am sorry I couldn't-"

"Stop with the apologies," Bella admonished me, but her voice was warmer.

"I was just going to say... I couldn't be there for you then, but I will do whatever it takes to make you safe now."

Bella sighed and wrapped herself in my arms.

"I love you," she whispered against my chest. "You are all that matters."

"I love you too."

We spent the rest of the day in our room, neither of us willing to venture out and face the city that had caused Bella such trauma before. We ordered room service and watched TV and occasionally Bella would walk toward the window to look out to watch life passing by below her in a world that had treated her so cruelly and let her down at such a young age.

A few times I contemplated asking Bella what she was thinking, curious to get another glimpse into her emotions, but I never actually followed through with it. While I wanted to know more about her past that had been shrouded in mystery for so long, I didn't want to push Bella.

Eventually she got tired and announced she wanted to go to sleep. After her bed time ritual, which took longer than usual, Bella curled up under the off-white sheets, facing away from me. It wasn't until I crawled in with her and gently touched her arm that she turned and buried herself in my arms.

We lay there, neither of us saying a word as the tension in the room was palpable. I wanted to take her discomfort away, but at the same time, there was very little I could offer her aside from holding her tightly.

Bella slept lightly that night and stirred frequently. Occasionally she mumbled incoherent things or call out my name. I tried to soothe her by holding her tight but I knew it would keep the monsters at bay at best. I couldn't permanently fight them off. That was something she had to do on her own.

There were a few nightmares, which affected her sleep and mine although Bella never fully woke and seemed to dive from one nightmare into the next without fully waking.

When morning came, I woke before Bella and knowing that she might feel uncomfortable having to sit in the hotel restaurant for a breakfast buffet, I decided to sneak out, grab some things and bring her breakfast in bed. Maybe that would make her feel better.

I showered and dressed quickly in dark blue jeans and a black button down. Then I checked on Bella once more before leaving the room and heading downstairs to the area of the restaurant where the breakfast buffet was being served.

I stopped the first waiter I could find and explained that I wanted to take some breakfast upstairs. He was instantly helpful and asked me what I would like, as he grabbed a tray and started walking towards the tables that had large trays of food.

I wanted to scoop up some things on a plate myself but the waiter was very willing to do it for me. I pointed to some toast and some scrambled eggs while I scooped up some strawberries in a bowl. I also chose some chocolate croissants and two glasses of orange juice. The waiter told me to stay put while he fetched me two fresh cups of coffee.

While I waited, I noticed Charlie sitting at the bar, sipping coffee and reading a newspaper. When he noticed me, he gave me a small nod, one I returned with little enthusiasm. I was in no mood to deal with him but I knew I couldn't pretend he wasn't there either.

"Morning, Edward," he greeted me quietly.

"Charlie," I gave him a polite greeting.

"Having breakfast upstairs?" He wondered. I wanted to roll my eyes at his attempt to make conversation but refrained from doing so.

"Yes, I think Bella would prefer it to having breakfast down here."

He nodded curtly. "If you say so."

"You really have no idea what your daughter is like or what she has been through, do you?" I couldn't help but speak my mind. I just didn't understand how this man could be so disinterested in his own daughter. It was repulsive and it made my father's bizarre behavior almost tolerable.

Charlie was shockingly different though. My father may be a difficult man but Charlie Swan didn't seem to have any fatherly feelings toward his daughter.

A daughter who wasn't just amazing and special but also extremely strong. Charlie Swan should be proud of that.

But for some reason it seemed like he just didn't care.

"Does it matter?" Charlie said. "I haven't seen Bella for years. I could pretend that I care about her oh so much but who would I be kidding? I was never the loving or doting dad, Edward." He sighed.

I nodded. He really wasn't. And I couldn't fault him entirely. Some people just weren't capable of being selfless the way a parent should be. Even my own father hadn't been selfless. He'd had hopes and dreams based on projections and I knew he was still, and would probably always remain, disappointed that I had chosen differently.

That I had chosen Bella.

But what bothered me immensely with Charlie wasn't so much that he didn't seem to know how he felt about Bella, he also seemed to simply not care about everything she had endured when she'd lived with Aro. As a human being, someone who, in theory, knew right from wrong, he ought to have some type of reaction to what his daughter had endured.

"So because you don't know how to love her, you're letting her play the bait so you can catch this man you hate so much. And not because of what he did to her but because he has outsmarted you all this time." I spat.

Charlie folded the newspaper he'd been holding and sighed deeply. "I don't expect you to understand," he started.

"I don't. I don't understand how you can't love your daughter. I don't understand why you have to be such a jerk." I interrupted.

"You don't know a damn thing," he warned.

"I know you killed his son," I said. "Aro's son."

"Bella told you that?"

"Yes."

"Hmm…"

"Is that why he took Bella? Out of revenge because of what you did to his son. Was she a victim because of your stupidity?"

Charlie took a deep breath. "I don't know Aro's specific motives. He knew Renée before we met and he kept tabs on her after we moved to Forks. I suppose he took Bella as revenge because I killed his son."

I was surprised at how blasé and non-caring he sounded. Like it didn't matter that he killed someone and that his daughter had paid the price. He had ruined his child and he didn't even care.

"This man took your daughter out of revenge and did despicable things to her. How can you not feel remorse?"

Charlie huffed. "Don't you see that it doesn't matter? That nothing you say is going to make me be a doting dad all of a sudden. It doesn't work that way, Edward. I am sorry for Bella if she expects otherwise."

"How did you and her mother even meet? Does Bella know?"

"She may have heard some things over the years but nothing concrete from me. And I don't think it matters anyway."

"Why not? She had a right to some type of explanation," I pointed out.

"Because it doesn't change history. It doesn't change the fact that Bella never had a good set of parents."

He was about to say more but then the waiter came back with a tray filled with breakfast.

"Sir?"

"Thank you," I said as I took it, declining his offer of help to carry it back to the room.

The waiter gave me a nod before he walked off.

I was about to turn and walk away when Charlie stopped me.

"You're a good guy. I can tell you love her."

I nodded. "I do love her. And I won't allow her getting hurt."

I didn't wait for his answer as I walked away.

When I returned to the room Bella was up and surprised to see me walking in carrying breakfast.

"What's this?" She wondered.

"I figured you wouldn't want to eat downstairs."

Bella nodded and walked over to me as I put down the tray on the coffee table.

"Morning," she whispered as she leaned in to kiss me. Her damp hair brushed against my cheek as I properly kissed her.

"How do you feel?"

"Ugh," Bella muttered to myself, which made me chuckle. "I had trouble sleeping. And the sheets were itchy."

"I suppose it was difficult for you to relax. You were stirring a lot. I take it there were no pleasant dreams?"

She nodded. "Lots of nightmares, and vague dreams. It was one big subconscious mess. I just want this to be over with. I hate that we have to wait so long before this thing takes place."

"I know. I hope the plan is solid."

Bella shrugged. "Well, at least it's my plan."

* * *

**FLASHBACK (DemetriPOV)**

"If you want to me help you with this insane plan, we are doing it the official way."

Her determination was no surprise, nor was the tremendous amount of strength she showed.

There was no doubt that the little one was brave. Of course, she always had been. I was well aware that Charlie didn't see it that way and that he was reluctant to bring her into this, not because of any fatherly emotions mind you, but I knew that if there was anyone who could bring Aro to his knees, it would be Isabella.

She was Aro's weakness, even if she didn't want to be or understand why she was. Even if it frightened her. In his own sick and twisted way, Aro loved her. And I knew how desperate he was about getting her back. Bree was a poor substitute for the daughter he missed, the woman he loved. It was sick, twisted and made me want to hurt him, but it was also his Achilles heel. Seeing Bella would throw Aro off his usual cool and collected game.

"What do you suggest?" I asked, ignoring Charlie as he rolled his eyes. He was an incredibly impatient man and had never wanted to bring Isabella into this.

"We can't go to Italy," Isabella started. "It will only end badly if you go on some sort of international rogue mission without an official seal of approval. Any type of mission is probably destined to fail but at least there will be some kind of protection when we remain in the United States. I assume we'd have some type of FBI protection here? "

She sounded businesslike and to the point. And she was right. Charlie and I had acted like desperate fools and had been so focused on catching Aro that we had slowly but effectively let go of all the protocol. And to think I wasn't even an official agent.

"So what do you propose we do?"

Isabella stood a little straighter but the uncertainty in her eyes was evident.

"We're going to his turf. Do what you should have done all those years ago.

"We're going to Chicago..."

**END FLASHBACK**

"You're doing it again."

I frowned and shook my head, as I tried to shake the memories off. Now that I had brought Isabella back with me, I almost regretted it. If only this could be done without involving her. But unfortunately that was simply no longer an option because I had told Aro that I was close to bringing Isabella back. He just didn't know when.

It was all about the element of surprise.

"You're so tense," she spoke again while her hands made small circles on my shoulders. I groaned as I felt the tension slip from my muscles.

"Thanks, Leah," I spoke softly.

"No problem. I just wish you would relax," she said in earnest. "I worry about you, you know."

Leah was a good person but she didn't know much about what my job entailed and I wanted to keep it that way. We didn't see each other beyond twice, sometimes three times, a week and to an outsider she was no more than an easy thrill; someone to distract me the way only a woman could.

I cared for her though. Not in that "it must be true love" kind of way, but enough to enjoy her company and respect her. That's why she could never know the specifics on my profession.

"I am fine," I muttered. I didn't like it when she focused on my wellbeing too much.

"You look tired."

I sighed and rubbed my face. "I am. But that's because I didn't get much sleep last night."

"You work too hard," Leah said as she continued to massage my shoulders. "You really ought to relax a little. Maybe go on a vacation?"

I wanted to snort, because what she said was so simple and yet so impossible. There wouldn't be any relaxation until Aro was behind bars. Until Isabella was guaranteed permanent safety.

This time it had to work. This time there was no room for failure. Aro had gotten away once, but that was not going to happen again.

When Charlie, or Agent Swan as he had introduced himself to me, had approached me to ask me for help, I had come face to face with a desperate man. At first, I had assumed he was broken because Aro had ruined his life, because his wife and daughter were gone, but when he had explained to me what would be expected of me if I agreed to infiltrate for the FBI, I had seen that this wasn't about his daughter.

He didn't want her back. He just wanted revenge on Aro. Correct the mistake of killing Aro's son instead of the man himself.

It wasn't hard to understand why he - and the FBI - would approach me like this, since I was probably the only one who could help him.

I could tell him how Aro Volturi operated, what his mindset was. After working for him for more than a decade I knew all his gestures, his reactions and mannerisms.

Still, I wasn't just a man who knew Aro through and through, I was also the man who had shot Charlie Swan two years prior to when he came to me with his offer. But when I had pointed that out to him, he had shrugged and quipped back that despite my orders I hadn't shot to kill.

He'd had a point there. Aro had wanted me to kill him but I had only badly wounded him instead. Precise gunshot wounds that would incapacitate him for a while but not enough to kill him.

That however, had not made me less reluctant to help Charlie, because I trusted the FBI about as much as I trusted my own boss. And considering I knew a whole lot more about Aro than Charlie, my first reaction had been to tell him off.

But then there was Isabella. The young girl blossoming into a young woman. A woman Aro desired in sick and unsavory ways. Ways I couldn't stop, not even if I wanted to.

And I wanted to. How could I not. I had never taken any pleasure in seeing him hurt her. Violate her.

There was no excuse for not saving her. For not helping her flee from that monster sooner, but back then I'd been certain that intervening would result in both of us getting killed. Instead I'd occasionally managed to divert Aro's attention; distract him so he wouldn't go into her room at night but too often he paid her a visit anyway.

So I had decided not to intervene, even if it disgusted me knowing what he put her through. I knew how far the tentacles of his powers reached. I had family in Russia, a family who had to be protected. He would kill them without a second thought if I went against him. I cared for Isabella but my family mattered just as much.

It wasn't right but none of it had ever been 'right' - what he did, how he hurt her for years... it was wrong, so very wrong.

And hopefully, if the universe or whatever was on our side, he'd pay for it soon.

This time we wouldn't fail like the last time, six years ago.

It had taken months to prepare the raid that was supposed to arrest Aro six years earlier. The FBI had all their ducks in a row and everything was settled. Aro would be arrested and convicted, as would some of his accomplices and Isabella would be safe. Free.

But the amount of time it took to prepare failed in comparison to the few minutes it took for that plan to crumble.

Aro wasn't a fool. He'd known about the plan, because someone had tipped him off. It had been a small relief to know that he was unaware of my part in it. At least that meant the FBI would still have someone in Aro's close vicinity.

Plus, Isabella had managed to escape because of all the commotion. Perhaps that made it a victory, although for the FBI it was a failure because Aro remained on the streets, free to go about his illegal business as he pleased.

So, while the immediate threat to Isabella had been removed, naturally the Feds still wanted to catch Aro.

And Charlie hadn't gotten his revenge, so he was determined to try again as well.

But in the past six years it was difficult to find the right opportunity. Aro had gotten more careful. He had outsourced some of his business and cleaned up the books of his primary business venues.

He paid off the right people and suddenly the entire case the FBI had built for years wasn't as solid as they had believed. They had to start over, be more precise and mostly, be more careful.

Then Bree happened. I knew she was the new Isabella when I met her for the first time.

I also knew that she could never be the new Isabella and that Aro, in his sick mind, still hoped she'd return to him. He had tried to indulge himself by sleeping with his assistant. He had tried with many other brunettes I'd seen come and go over the last few years.

Briefly, he even tried again with Renée as she looked like Isabella the most. But to him there was no one like Isabella.

That's why we needed her. That's why she was so crucial to this plan.

Only Isabella could guarantee Aro's demise.

And Charlie Swan knew it too.

* * *

**CharliePOV**

I hated these kinds of missions, if that's what you could call them. I hated having to watch my back 24 hours a day, which meant I was up at all hours of the day because sleeping would make me vulnerable. I took little ten minute naps at night, or whenever there was time to catch some shuteye but I could never indulge in some good six hours straight sleep.

Now when I was younger that had never been a problem but lately I was starting to feel it.

I glanced at my own reflection in the brown liquid in the large mug I brought to my mouth. At least they had good coffee here.

Anyway, I was visibly getting older as well. My hair graying, fine lines starting to appear around my eyes and mouth.

I was starting to look the way I felt: tired. Worn out. I was ready to have this son of a bitch behind bars, so I could transfer to a department where I could sit behind a desk and do paperwork for eight hours straight before heading to a bachelor pad and drink myself into a stupor to forget about the years I had wasted.

I wanted that. I wanted to put this endless quest to put Aro Volturi behind bars behind me.

Catching him had been my main focus for so long and now that we were so close to end this, it was hard to focus on it. I had trouble welcoming the thought that the bastard would finally end up where he belonged.

I couldn't deny that had everything to do with the fact Bella was such a huge part of our strategy. In this insane game, she was our most important pawn, our element of surprise.

We needed that advantage because the last time we'd tried to catch Aro and put him behind bars he had seen us coming. This time, there was no way he would know.

I rubbed my face, scratching at my stubble when I thought of her.

Bella. _My daughter_ Bella. On paper anyway. In every other aspect there was very little familiar about her.

When I looked at her my heart didn't swell with pride the way a father's heart should. I wasn't angry at her for going into prostitution - it would have made me a hypocrite anyway, if I had been. I wasn't wary about her boyfriend, worried he'd steal my little girl.

Those emotions, which would have been considered normal for a father, weren't mine. I didn't feel that way and I had no doubt I ever would. There wasn't some part deep down inside of me, somewhere buried, that would wake up some day and suddenly realize he'd loved his daughter all along.

In fact, I felt quite the opposite. I didn't hate or dislike Bella, she seemed like a strong independent good girl with a kind heart, but had the choice ever been mine, she would've never been born.

That was a harsh feeling and it wasn't based on anything personal. It was just that after looking back on the last twenty-six years in which I had tried to catch Aro, in which I had tried to save Renée and had tried to play the small town sheriff to protect a family that was so incredibly dysfunctional, I had come to realize that things should've been different. Including Bella's birth.

When Renee had told me she was pregnant, I hadn't been overjoyed or anything and neither had she. But I accepted it because I wasn't a monster. If Renée wanted this baby, then we would have it and try to be the best parents we could possibly be.

But Renée, like me, didn't want to be a parent. In fact, the only reason she hadn't terminated the pregnancy was because she had discovered it when she was well into her fifth month. Maybe she had been blind to the signs before but when she'd been sick and dizzy for weeks in a row, I had forced her to seek out a doctor.

She'd gone to an abortion clinic in Tacoma but they had told her there were serious risks about aborting a baby at that stage and that state law prohibited any clinic in the area to do it, unless there was a medical emergency.

I had never seen Renée as defeated as I had seen her that day. Still, she had resigned to the idea of becoming a mother and for a short period of time after Bella was born, we played the role of young new family well. Until it all went downhill and Renée decided that the fact she was stuck in a small town was Bella's fault.

Looking back, I wished we'd discovered the pregnancy sooner, I wished an abortion had been possible. We would have saved ourselves, and even Bella a whole lot of grief.

Perhaps that was cruel but it was the truth. Bella wasn't a wanted, welcomed baby and that was the cold and ugly truth.

And even now, seeing her as a grown woman, I didn't feel different. There were no overwhelming emotions; I hadn't missed her nor wished I had done things differently or that I could play a part in her life once things were over.

The primary emotion that I had felt all these years was the intense hate I felt for Aro Volturi.

I loathed him. Shooting his son Marcus had been a mistake but I didn't regret it. This man fucked with everything, everyone. He had manipulated Renée into a monstrous woman, taking away her childhood and innocence at a young age, much like he had done with Bella later on.

When I was twenty-three and a rookie cop, I had been put on my first mission to infiltrate into one of the casinos Aro operated. The FBI wanted to catch him and part of the plan was for me to butter up to this girl who gave burlesque shows at this casino. She was Aro's favorite girl, his most prized possession and I knew that if we could get to her, we could get to him.

Renée.

Now Renée in her early twenties was a beauty and I was without a doubt attracted to her. I was hired as her bodyguard because back then Aro was an up and coming businessman in the seedy underbelly of Chicago and had already made plenty of enemies who were eager to harm her.

I followed her everywhere and stood by the stage as she performed every night, mesmerized by the movements of her curvy body and entranced by the show she put on.

Of course I fell in love with her, which led to me wanting to save her.

That was the biggest mistake I could ever have made because as I would learn years later, Renée never wanted to be saved.

I hadn't realized that until we had packed up and moved to Forks per FBI orders, until small town life got to be too much for her and she showed resentment every single day for the fact I had taken her away from her old life.

She wanted the glamour, the thrill.

The money and perhaps the sex.

The things I couldn't give her.

She wanted her old life. A life where there was no place for me, or Bella. And that naive rookie cop turned into a bitter man because he had been stupid to act on a foolish whim, the blinding emotion of young love. That was a harsh reality.

Then came the day she left and took Bella with her. I'd known she'd been in contact with Aro through Demetri for a while, and that she was playing him in hopes he would take her back. What I didn't know, but should have, was that Aro had kept tabs on us all these years, meaning my small town sheriff cover had never been very effective.

He had waited for years to watch things play out, to have Renée contact him, begging for her old life back. By that time, he had no need or want for her anymore, but he was intrigued by Bella. Not only did she look like the girl Renée once was, but she was also my daughter and since I had killed his son, she would become the primary pawn in his game to get his revenge on me.

When I came home that day, finding it empty and coming face to face with Demetri who had been ordered to inform me of my family's departure before killing me, I couldn't help but feel relief. There was no more acting, no more playing pretend. Even in death I would be freer than to have to live knowing Aro Volturi had won. That the girl I had tried to save was gone and that the daughter who should've never been brought into this world, now belonged to him.

And yes, that made me an asshole. First class.

I cared about my ego and not about my daughter. I cared about losing out to a love rival; a man who wasn't ever actually a rival to begin with.

I cared about revenge and making sure he would end up behind bars. I was glad about not having to play pretend anymore.

But did I care about my daughter? Did she factor into my motivations to make sure Aro would be stopped, then and now?

No.

None of this had anything to do with Bella. That's why I wasn't thrilled when Demetri had suggested we bring her into this.

It was also a misconception to think I did in fact care about Bree, because in truth, I had never even met this girl. She was nothing but someone who was part of the equation, part of Aro's playing field. She didn't matter to me; I just wanted to succeed this time.

I had only used Bree's story to play on Bella's emotions, knowing she would probably care about this girl's safety because she could sympathize with her. Emotional manipulation; a means to an end.

Because this right here in Chicago was our last chance to get it right. The final chance we had to catch him.

"More coffee, sir?"

I repressed a yawn as I nodded and held out my mug, while I watched Edward walk out of sight, balancing a large tray of breakfast to bring upstairs to his girl.

I sighed, shaking my head as I watched him go. He was a good kid. Good for Bella. Still, I had to wonder what the consequences would be. How big the sacrifices would be once this all was done.

* * *

**EPOV**

Bella remained quiet and pensive as she ate her breakfast and I wasn't sure of what to say either. Having to wait for this plan to confront Aro to take place was quite excruciating and in my opinion, unnecessary too.

A part of me wanted to convince Bella to go back to Seattle, even if it would mean that we wouldn't be able to deal with the trauma that had haunted her for so long.

But I knew she would never go for it. The reason she was more introspective than usual was because she was preparing for what was to come.

Still, getting through these two days, today and tomorrow, watching the hours pass until the time to go ahead with the plan was finally here, was very difficult.

I couldn't even begin to imagine how she felt, counting down the hours until it was time.

Bella stopped picking at her food and went back to staring out the window. I watched and my heart ached. I wished there was more I could do. More to support her. But I was failing and she was retreating from me again after I had finally gotten her to open up a little last night.

"Are you finished?" I asked softly, as I pointed to the plate in front of her, which was still more than half filled with the food the waiter downstairs had piled on it.

"Sorry," Bella said, as my voice snapped her out of the trance she was in. "I am just not very hungry."

I nodded as I took her plate away.

"Is there anything you'd like to do today?" I asked, hoping Bella would give me some sort of incentive, a lead I could follow so I could distract her and hopefully cheer her up a little. "Anything to pass the time?"

But she shook her head and remained quiet, which once again affirmed my feelings that she was not really here with me, but trapped and lost in a time and place with emotions and fears I couldn't comprehend.

I walked towards her and kneeled in front of the chair she was sitting on, effectively blocking the view from the window to get her undivided attention.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I tried. "Don't shy away from me, please."

I could see that wall going up, the wall I had tried so hard to break down. She was rebuilding it now, brick by brick. I understood that, I just wanted to be inside there with her, have the wall protect and shield us both. I didn't want to be on the outside anymore, watching helplessly as she went through this on her own.

Bella's eyes found mine and while I tried to accurately decipher the wide range of emotions swimming in them, it was nearly impossible to do so. There was too much for me to understand and too much for her to speak in actual words.

"Tell me what I can do," I pleaded. "I just want to help."

Bella sighed, a long heavy sigh. "You can't. I know you want to but you can't. I can only ask you to be patient," she said. "Just like I need to be."

Patience. No easy feat. Perhaps that was the problem. I had to be patient when really I wanted to rush through things. I wanted this to be over with; to know the outcome without any fatalities.

I wanted Bella to stay safe.

"I am trying," I said. "I just wish I could do more."

Bella nodded. "I understand that," she said. "But you can't do more than be here for me. There are these thoughts… these images… moments I am reliving now that I am here… and it's hard to explain. Hard to tell you. I wish it was easy but after all these years, being here… even in the safety of this hotel is suffocating. It literally paralyses me. Yesterday was easier in a way and I almost felt brave, but today..."

I nodded. Even if I didn't understand her feelings, I was still sort of relieved she was at least talking to me again. That was better than the deafening silence.

"I am sorry I can't do more," I said, meaning every word of it.

"I know." Bella nodded. "I am sorry too. I know you want to help and I appreciate that but I just can't offer you much. I wish you weren't stuck here with me."

I smiled and touched her hand. "I have no problem being stuck with you."

Bella flashed me a tiny, but genuine smile. "I know, but still. This is all so overwhelming. Surely you are not thrilled about any of it."

I shrugged. "I want this over with and I want you to be safe. I'd rather we were at home in Seattle right now, but I understand why you want to and perhaps have to do this. To put an end to this."

Bella nodded and then went silent again.

"You want to stay in the room today? We could watch some movies," I suggested. "Or we could watch TV. They have the Food Network here. And the channel with that guy with all the big colorful cakes," I tried.

Bella frowned and remained pensive, almost wistful. "A part of me wants to be brave enough to go outside but somehow I doubt that's going to be very successful," she said. "I'd be too nervous about running into him, even if he's not in the city right now."

I could certainly understand that. I didn't know how big the chance would be that we would run into that monster but if we did, the entire plan would be pointless. According to Demetri and Charlie, the element of surprise was key here.

Also, if something like that were to happen, there was no guarantee that Bella would be safe and that was what mattered to me the most. She had to be safe, no matter what.

"So we stay in, hang out… be lazy. Or be active to get our mind off things. There's a swimming pool in the hotel and a fitness area."

Bella snorted. "Since when do either of us work out?" she pointed out. Then her eyes became hooded and she leaned in to brush her fingers again my lips. "Besides, if we want exercise, I can think of better ways," she added with a wink, which made me gulp.

It was nice to see her playful side come out, because it meant she was feeling a bit more relaxed.

"We can do whatever you want," I said, before leaning in and capturing her lips with mine.

I was a little taken aback by Bella's sudden aggression, as she climbed into my lap to get closer to me. It made me stumble backwards a little but I managed to steady myself on the floor as Bella held on tight.

Her lips wrestled with mine as her tongue searched for permission, which I gave eagerly.

Our tongues touched as our lips pecked and our hands searched for leverage to hold on to one another.

The sensations were different from when we usually kissed, there was definitely more desperation, more need to be close. I tried to pour all my love into the kisses, hoping the ministrations would show Bella how I felt about her. And I knew she was doing the same. For a few moments, there was just her and me and nothing and no one could change that or hurt us.

I was inside the walls with her.

After a few minutes we both had to pull away to catch our breaths.

"Wow." I sighed, pleasantly surprised by the intensity behind our kisses.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I know I have been a drag."

"It's understandable," I said.

"But that doesn't make it right."

I shrugged, thinking I'd rather have her like this, a little happier than before than to have her distracted by the troubles ahead.

"What happens now?" I asked as our breathing slowed. "What will you do?"

Bella's face morphed back into a mask of worry and I instantly regretted opening my mouth.

"I guess we have to go over the plan with Demetri and Charlie at some point. We still have two whole days. Hopefully, if we're lucky and everything goes according to plan, it'll be over soon." She didn't sound too convinced though and I had to admit it was hard to imagine whatever plan they had conjured up would be executed flawlessly. "Two more days."

"Do you want to talk to them today?" I asked.

Bella shrugged. "I guess I would like to know what it is they want to do. I mean… I'd have to go to his house... and..." She took a deep breath. I could see tears forming in her eyes, so I tried to quench the fear.

"We don't have to talk about this now. Maybe we need a day off, like I suggested. Just stay in and forget the world around us. Tomorrow we can focus on why we're here. Maybe it'll help too, once you're acclimated a bit more," I said.

"Perhaps. But on the other hand I want to know what's going to happen. I want to know what's expected of me. So I can be prepared."

I wanted to answer but then Bella's cell phone started ringing. She grabbed it from the table and looked at the display.

"It's Demetri."

* * *

"I am going to tell Aro that I found you," Demetri said as he paced around in our hotel room.

"You are going to hand her over," I asked incredulously. I was so very much not a fan of this plan. Not one bit.

"In a way, yes. I have to pretend to be on his side, that's the only way this is going to work."

"It's a dangerous way," I said. "It's unprofessional. Can't you just arrest him? Isn't that what the FBI does? How can Charlie's superiors go along with this?" I muttered. "Isn't the FBI supposed to be more professional?"

Demetri ignored me. "Look, this is the only way that this can go down. If Aro doubts me, even for a second, things will go haywire and it'll jeopardize the entire plan," Demetri refuted. "We can't arrest him before we have a confession from him."

"A confession you expect Bella to drag out of him?" I spat.

While it had been Bella's idea to go to Chicago, it was Demetri and Charlie's brilliant plan to use her as bait. Or rather, use her to make Aro confess to what he had done to her. That way he could be arrested and it even might give Bree the incentive to testify against him as well. Add in a whole set of proof that he conducted a lot of illegal business, making it a solid case. And with the element of surprise, Aro wouldn't be able to form a plan to get out of it this time.

Yes, it was a ridiculous and amateur plan. One that would surely fail.

And if it did, Bella would be the one in danger. Or worse. I wondered if Demetri and Charlie realized this. Or if they cared.

"Bella is a key player," Demetri said. "Everything will work out."

"That's a naive thought."

"Look, I admit that this isn't a solid plan, but it's our best shot."

"It's sad a supposedly professional organization is using an innocent girl as a pawn to catch the bad guy. Feels like you are correcting your own mistakes rather than actually giving Bella any form of closure."

"It's official FBI business. I am sorry but technically, this isn't about Bella," Demetri said. "Still, I will make sure nothing happens to her," Demetri said.

"Sure, until you get so caught up in all this, you put her in too much risk and something _will_ happen to her," I said icily.

"Edward, please…" Bella said softly. "You know I am not happy about this either but I agreed to this so now I have to follow through.

She had remained quiet until now while I had gone head to head with Demetri, as he had divulged the brilliant master plan. But now she seemed agitated and I hated that she disagreed with me.

"Bella, this plan… if anyone can call it that, it's a mess… it's not properly thought out," I argued.

Bella sighed and smiled. "I know you're worried and I understand your hesitation but there really isn't much we can do other than what Demetri suggested."

"What if he decides he wants to punish you, what if he hurts you?" I said.

Bella touched my cheek and smiled sadly. "That won't happen, I promise."

She sounded unsure, even if the smile plastered on her face was supposed to be reassuring.

"You can't be sure of that," I pointed out.

"We can't be sure of anything. But we have to believe this is the way to get him behind bars. I could be free of these demons, Edward," Bella said in a whisper. "Demetri will be there and Charlie will be close by. It'll work out."

"I know you want him gone, I understand that but there have to be other ways. Safer ways," I said.

Bella shook her head. "The only advantage we have is the element of surprise. Hoping that for once we are one step ahead."

"It's a huge risk. I couldn't bear it if something happened to you."

Bella nodded. "I know. But I have to take that risk," she said, reaching out to touch my cheek. "I don't want you to worry."

She flashed me a small smile, before excusing herself, telling me she needed a moment before retreating to the bathroom.

"I'll protect her, you don't have to worry," Demetri said as soon as she was out of earshot.

"You can try and I am sure you'd never purposely try to put her in harm's way but you more than anyone knows what this monster is capable of. Can you really protect her against his wrath?"

Demetri shrugged, as if he barely cared. Maybe he didn't. All I knew was that I cared. I wanted Bella to be safe. I wanted him to make sure that she was safe, if he was the one who was going to be with her.

"You don't have to worry," he said. "I have it under control."

His confidence, bordering on arrogance irked me. "You sound very sure of yourself, but who will pay the price when you fail… Bella. I mean, this failed before. Why would it work now?"

"We won't fail," he said. "There are never any guarantees but I am certain we'll get what we need."

"You don't know that and I refuse to let anything hurt Bella. I don't care about this plan; I don't care about this man. I just care about Bella making it through this unscathed. That's all that matters. No matter what it takes, she has to be safe."

Demetri smiled, his face transforming into a cocky grin. "I was hoping you'd say that."

"What does that mean?" I muttered.

"It means I have something to show you…"

I wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but before I could open my mouth, Demetri's phone started ringing loudly and he excused himself to pick it up.

I didn't know if it was the sound of a phone ringing, but Bella came out of the bathroom, mouthing 'what's going on?' to me in wonder, wanting to know what was happening.

I shrugged and asked her if she was alright in a whisper.

Bella nodded and flashed me a little smile before she walked to the window.

Demetri frowned as he listened to whoever was on the other side. I watched as his face morphed into a mask, a stance of authority and obedience at the same time. Bella meanwhile seemed engrossed in whatever she was looking at and didn't seem to pay a lot of attention to Demetri.

He nodded as the person on the other side spoke and I swore I heard him mention Bella's name.

That definitely peaked my interest, leaving me to wonder who Demetri was talking to and why he mentioned Bella. It still didn't grab her attention though.

I assumed that perhaps it was Charlie but since he was in the same hotel, he could've just come up here.

Demetri sighed and suddenly snapped his phone shut, letting out a string of profanities which definitely got Bella's attention.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"There is a change in plans."

"What?"

"That was Aro. He's back in town."

* * *

**Here it is...it's been a long time. I could sum up all the excuses but that's not important. I promise the next one won't take as long.**

**Thanks to everyone who stuck around and all the new readers. Special shout-out to my BETA Parama who always makes these chapters more readible. **

**Oh, the title of this chapter is ironic, obviously. It's also "filler-ish" for what's to come but gives you a little more insight into some things. Yes, Charlie is a rotten bastard. Also, this plan is stupid and one could argue that the FBI would never operate this way. I like to think they can be this stupid though, mixed in with some creative freedom on my part. **


	55. Beastly

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 53: BEASTLY**

"Aro is back?" I asked as I turned away from the window.

Suddenly the world below wasn't that important. Not when that world was crashing down around me.

Fuck. Aro was back. Back as in... back in town. In the same city limits, a closer vicinity.

A chill ran up my spine and I shivered at the thought of having to see him again after all these years. I forced myself to swallow down the bile that was pushing up in my throat and tried to keep my cool. I had to stay strong and remain focused. If I didn't, I would surely lose my mind.

Besides, this was what I wanted after all; to get it over with. Face the monster and put a stop to all of this once and for all.

"Yes," Demetri confirmed. "Apparently he came back early from Italy."

"Why?" Edward asked. "Is it something he does often? Suddenly change his plans, I mean?"

Demetri frowned but then shrugged it off. "The why doesn't matter. The fact is, Aro is back earlier than we had anticipated, so we need to act now. It's all about the momentum here. I should call Charlie and let him know there's been a change in plans. After that we're going to have to talk through the plan one final time. We need to think quick on our feet here, be flexible...

"We need to confront him today."

I stared at him, eyes burning with traitor tears that wanted to escape. But I couldn't cry. I had to be strong. Demetri eyed me curiously for a moment but didn't wait for a response. After a few moments he turned and walked onto the balcony, presumably to make that call to Charlie.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Edward approached me and I sunk into his arms. It felt like my legs were giving out so I clung to him like he was my only lifeline, which I suppose in that moment he was.

"I know it's a stupid question, but how do you feel?" he wondered softly.

I wanted to tell him I was alright but that would be a lie. I was falling apart inside and I felt weak. It had been stupid to think I would be able to prepare myself for any of this.

"I don't know if I can do this," I admitted. "I want to be brave and do what they want me to but it's not easy. I know essentially it doesn't matter if we do this now or in two days but the idea that I have to see him today is so fuc... hard to process."

Edward nodded as he held me tight. "I understand. Well, no… I probably don't understand but I want you to know that I am here for you. I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel safe again."

I looked up into his jade eyes. There was so much love there, it was fucking overwhelming. I'd never felt or been shown that I was worthy of love and here was this wonderful, amazing man who truly and undoubtedly loved me.

It was almost too good to be true. No one had ever loved me like Edward did. Where most of the people in my life had disappointed me or treated me like crap, there was Edward, my own personal savior, who always wanted what was best for me.

I worried though, because I didn't want Edward to be a part of this, I didn't want to put him at risk. See, Aro was always keen to know a person's weakness and Edward was definitely my weakness.

"I know you want to protect me," I said. "But you have to promise me that you'll stay out of the line of fire. There's no need to play the hero," I warned him.

Edward frowned at my words and I wondered why. I knew that he wanted to keep me safe and he was well aware that I wouldn't dare let anything happen to him. After all, I had meant to go without him in the first place.

"What is it?" I wondered.

"Nothing," Edward said. "It's nothing. No one will end up in the line of fire," he added, muttering. "That includes you. No need for you to play the hero either."

I frowned and was about to say something when Demetri came back into the room. "Charlie is going to give his superiors a heads up about recent developments. He'll be back in an hour or two."

"So, what's the plan?" I asked. "We go in at full force tonight? To the house?"

"Aro is going to mass tonight," Demetri announced. "And you and I are going to meet him there."

"Church?" I balked. Demetri knew very well how I felt about that place.

"Yes."

"Hold up," Edward intervened. "Bella hates churches. Being in one terrifies her. You can't expect her to do this."

Demetri sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, we have no time for this. Aro knows you are in town and thinks I am keeping an eye on you until he returns."

"You told him?" Edward asked, his voice an octave higher from the shock.

Ï had to. He was getting suspicious about why I wasn't responding to his calls. I have to make him believe I am on his side."

"Well you're doing a great job," Edward muttered sarcastically.

I watched them go at it verbally and wanted to beg them to stop. It was bad enough that Aro was now aware I was back in Chicago but to have people fight over this...

"Let's not forget this is Bella's plan," Demetri pointed out.

"It's your plan. Yours and Charlie's. And it's a stupid plan. At least Bella had the common sense to keep it within the United States, you two wanted to ship her off to Italy where the FBI doesn't even have jurisdiction. And now you want to take her to a church, a place that scares her so bad, to confront a man that scares her even more? That's not a plan, that's a catastrophe waiting to happen!" Edward practically yelled.

"I am starting to regret the fact that you have come along. We should have left you in Seattle," Demetri grumbled.

"You just know that I am right and I..."

"STOP!"

They both looked at me, mouths a little open. "I'll go to the damn church," I muttered. "There's no point in being scared of that now. Not when I have to face _him _one way or the other.

"Bella," Edward started but I held up my hand to stop him.

"Edward, we have to do this anyway. And you," I pointed at Demetri. "You have given me very little reason to trust you. Aro came back early because you told him about me, didn't he?"

Demetri nodded and looked a bit remorseful. "Like I said, I had to tell him. But I promise you it'll be okay. I know how you feel about churches and all but this could work to your advantage. He doesn't expect you to be there."

I took a deep breath and walked up to stand next to Edward. To show my support and to calm the tension in the room, I took his hand and held it tightly.

"When do we leave?"

"Service starts in six hours, so you have time to freshen up, maybe eat something," Demetri suggested. "Get some rest. You'll need your energy."

"What time will you pick us up?" I asked.

"No us. Just you," Demetri said. "Charlie will stay in the surveillance van. And Edward...

"He'll stay here."

"There's no way I am letting Bella go alone," Edward protested.

"I don't think I like the idea of having you around there. You obviously don't agree with any of it, which provides a risk. A risk we can't afford to take."

"I'll be there and I'll behave," Edward said.

"And I want him there," I pointed out, as I held up our entwined hands to emphasize my point."

Demetri sighed. It was obvious he was fed up. "Fine, Edward can stay with Charlie, if he's okay with it."

"No," I said firmly. "If you expect me to sit in a church, I want Edward to be right there next to me."

Demetri paused and looked angry. He kept quiet for a long time until he sighed.

"Oh. For the love of...

"Fine... but if that's the case, I want a word with Edward alone."

I looked at him in surprise, taken aback by his request. Edward looked mostly curious.

"Why?"

Demetri sighed. "It's a talking from man to man thing, Isabella. I just want him to understand what might go down and how to respond to that. I can't have him portray a risk here, even if he means well."

"And you can't do that here in front of me?"

Demetri shook his head. "It would only upset you."

I looked at Edward who was looking between Demetri and me.

"He has a point Bella," he finally said. "Besides, you know I will tell you whatever he tells me anyway."

* * *

**EPOV**

I could not tell her this. I told Bella I would. But I didn't think I could.

"What's this?" I asked again.

I knew exactly what it was, but for some reason I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

Demetri frowned but then composed himself and shrugged. "You said you wanted to do whatever it took to help Bella. Well that might help Bella."

He pointed at the gun in my hands.

That was supposed to help Bella? A gun?

The cold steel pressed against the overheated sweaty skin of my hand as I felt its weight in my palm... I was nervous and it didn't help to think I was armed.

This was what Demetri had meant when he'd told me he'd had something to show me. That he wanted to talk to me "man to man".

A gun.

A gun that I could potentially hurt someone with. Kill someone with.

I honestly didn't know how I felt about the idea of using it. It was so clinical and frightening. I mean, for starters I had never used a gun before so that made any attempt to use it very tricky.

Not to mention the fact that I didn't really believe in violence to begin with. It was one thing to want to protect Bella and another to carry a gun and aim it at anyone who would harm her. I was pretty certain I wouldn't have the guts to shoot anyway.

Then again, if someone were to potentially hurt Bella, say that someone be Aro, would I really hesitate to use it? For some reason, I wasn't so sure if I would choose the peaceful way out then or let any kind of nerves affect me.

But to tell Bella - and I had no doubt she would ask as soon as I returned to the room - I was certain I couldn't do that. She had made her reservations about me being here abundantly clear before, I was certain that the idea I was carrying a gun to protect her wouldn't receive a welcoming response.

"You want me to carry a gun?" I asked as Demetri waited until I'd seemed to process the news.

"It's no big deal really," he shrugged. "It could protect you. You and Bella. And perhaps it'll make you feel like you're a part of this... what did you call it? Catastrophe."

He sounded so convinced, like it was normal to carry a weapon with potential consequences. Of course, for him it probably was the norm to walk around armed.

"I don't even know how to use it," I said. "Besides, don't people need a license to carry one?"

Demetri sighed, clearly his patience with me was running out fast. "Look, Edward, I know you're the clean and proper choirboy who'd never hurt a fly, but it's really simple. You either carry the gun or you don't. It'd be easier and safer if you didn't, because like you said, you don't know how to use it. But, as much as Bella is supposed to be our element of surprise in catching this bastard, you are an equally surprising factor. Aro isn't expecting a boyfriend. He's expecting me to hand over Bella, like giving him his toy back. Should Charlie or I not be able to protect her, it's good to know you have a chance to."

"By shooting him? Why are you giving this to me anyway? Two seconds ago you basically told me to wait here, while you are handing Aro 'his toy' back."

"Bella wants you there. And initially, I thought that your presence would be comforting to her. Also, I believe that if you stop acting stubborn and just get aboard with the plan, you could be an asset."

I shook my head, trying to make sense of it all. "Fine. But still... I have no clue whatsoever how to use this."

Demetri rolled his eyes and pried the gun from my hands. In an odd way, where I was supposed to feel lighter, it felt like I was now missing a fundamental piece to properly play my part in all this. Could I be an asset in protecting Bella_ if_ I actually carried a gun?

"Look at me, okay," he said, as he started to load a compartment of the gun with shiny little objects.

Bullets.

"This is a safety catch. Now in its secured state, it blocks the firing pin channel. It is pushed upward to release the firing pin for firing only when the trigger is actuated and the safety is pushed up through the backward movement of the trigger bar," he said as he showed me.

I gulped as I watched him handle the weapon with ease and precision, knowing I would never be able to do that. I couldn't even understand what he was saying.

"It's a Glock 18," he explained as I tried to make sense of his 'Gun and Owner' speech. "It's a semi-automatic. It'll do the desired damage. Since you're inexperienced, I would simply say: try not to shoot anything that moves. Just aim and pull the trigger when you think you absolutely have no other choice. Like when Bella is in extreme danger."

My mouth must've dropped to my knees because Demetri groaned as he noticed my expression.

"This was a stupid idea," he muttered. "I can't expect you to handle a gun without anyone getting hurt. Well, the wrong people getting hurt."

I nodded. It was a stupid idea. _Then why are you feeling a tad disappointed, Edward_? I wondered to myself. I mean, I didn't want to carry a gun but if it could protect Bella...

"Look, Bella is probably wondering where you are so you should head back upstairs. Forget what I showed you. "

I stood there, unsure and unmoving. I wanted to tell Demetri to give me the gun, but I worried about safety and guns going off accidentally.

"You're right," I said eventually. "I do need to get back to Bella."

"Good. As soon as Charlie is here, we'll come up too to hammer out the details before we go."

I nodded as he let me out.

When I arrived back at our room, I found Bella standing by the window again, her usual spot now. She seemed completely lost in thought and it scared me. It felt like the connection between us was there but she didn't know how to reach out for it. She didn't even turn around at the sound of the door clicking shut.

As I watched her closer, I noticed her shoulders were shaking a little.

Bella was crying.

* * *

**BPOV**

I wiped at the tears furiously, as they made patterns on my cheeks and my eyes were starting to burn. I hated that I was actually this upset because I wanted to be stronger. What the fuck had ever happened to the girl who'd kicked ass on the streets. She had never been afraid of anything.

I blinked and dried off my wet hands on the fabric of my jeans.

Stupid traitor tears.

I still remembered the first time I saw Aro. To me, as someone who'd lacked any kind of parental guidance and affection, he was refreshing and much needed. Looking back I'd often wondered if maybe I had ever given him some incentive to do what he did to me. Maybe I'd been too needy and perhaps he had taken that as an invitation to take advantage of me.

Then again, that wouldn't justify the fact that he had abused me for years. Nothing could ever justify that.

I stared out the window as I processed Demetri's words once again. The plan. To be executed tonight. Aro was back in town already, which meant that instead of waiting more than a day to confront him, we would do it tonight.

I took a deep breath as I thought about the moment I would have to face him. It was hard to imagine, after running from him and hiding for so long. Now I had to be brave. I couldn't fail and my nerves couldn't get the best of me.

"Are you alright?"

I sighed as I felt Edward's presence behind me. I wanted to tell him to stop asking me that but I didn't want to take out my fears and frustrations on him.

He deserved better than that.

"I just want to get this over with," I repeated for what seemed like the millionth time.

"You're crying." He frowned as he reached out to grab a hold of me and take me into his arms.

"It's all just too much," I sobbed. "I feel like I am losing my mind or something. I am trying to keep it together but for some reason, it just seems like I can't."

"You don't have to keep it together," Edward said. "At least not in here when it's just the two of us. Don't hide from me," he emphasized.

A part of me did want to hide from him, because that part was the girl who'd allowed Aro to do such terrible things without ever fighting back. I didn't want Edward to see that part. To know about that part. He didn't even exactly know why I hated churches so much. What Aro had done to me in there... It would surely fucking repulse Edward and I didn't want to take that last part of innocence away from him.

However, a bigger part of me just wanted to get lost in the safety of Edward's arms and not even think about wandering down my former path of destruction again.

"I'm scared," I admitted.

"I know," Edward said. "I wish I could take it all away, but I can't."

"Promise me everything will be alright," I asked though my voice sounded so pitiful it was more like begging and I could feel Edward's hesitation. It would be impossible to promise me this and make good on it. I knew that and he knew it too.

But then I felt his lips in my hair and the gentle cadence of the way his hands rubbed my back almost made me believe him when he whispered. "I promise."

* * *

**EPOV**

Bella wanted me to promise her everything would be alright, so that's what I did even if we both knew that things weren't that simple. There were no magical words that could fix this.

Neither of us could guarantee a good outcome so I felt like I was lying when Bella asked me to promise her. But I owed her that much. I needed to tell her what she wanted to hear so she'd have something to hold on to.

"Maybe we need to lie down for a bit," I suggested. "Demetri was right when he said we should try to relax. You need some rest."

"But he and Charlie will be here soon and then we need to go over the plan one more time," Bella pointed out, her words muffled against my shirt.

"I'll tell them to go away," I said as I led her to the bedroom and the large spacious bed. "They can wait," I added with determination.

Bella hesitated but then nodded as she allowed me to pull her down into my arms onto the soft bouncy mattress.

She snuggled into me and I held her tight, rubbing her back and placing tiny kisses against her forehead.

It wasn't before long until Bella dozed off, lightly snoring as she held onto me tightly.

I continued touching her so she'd know I wouldn't leave and started drifting off myself when I was startled back into full consciousness by a blood curdling scream that was coming from the girl wrapped around me.

Bella was having a nightmare.

Her arms were locked around me and her body was shaking as she kept calling my name in a frantic voice.

"Edward… OH NO… EDWARD! PLEASE STOP… DON'T HURT HIM…"

Tears were streaming down her face in her sleep, as I tried to wake her up so she would see I was alright.

But it was difficult to pull her back from the edge, from the dark hole which she was threatening to fall into. I untangled myself first and then gently shook Bella, calling her name. First softly and then louder when I couldn't get through to her, but Bella kept thrashing and sobbing and I had to physically shake her until she shot up and into my arms, shaking uncontrollably as she tried to get a hold of herself.

"Ssh," I whispered. "It's okay. I am here… no one is going to hurt you and no one will get hurt," I vowed.

"Edward," Bella murmured as she clung to me and buried her face in my neck. "He… he hurt you… it was the same dream… it's… I hate that dream."

"What dream?" I asked, curious what could've upset her this much.

Bella looked up and into my eyes and for what seemed like the longest time she didn't move. She just held onto me as she looked at me and I did the same. Her eyes were still brimming with tears but she seemed to be getting a hold of herself.

Then she opened her mouth and closed it again before leaning in and pressing her lips against mine.

First she kissed me softly, only applying a little bit of pressure as my lips received hers. We pecked and nipped for a few moments but then the atmosphere changed and shifted to this crackling electricity with a sudden burning need, a frenzy that seemed to take control of both of us. Bella loosened her hold on me first only to lock her hands tightly around my neck to pull me closer.

Her tongue probed to find entrance in my mouth and got a welcome reception as our kisses became more heated.

I pulled her onto my lap and my fingers dug under the long sleeved shirt she'd been wearing to feel her overheated skin.

There was need_, so much need_, both physical and emotional. Every emotion: the worry, the anger and the uncertainty were poured into our kisses and touches.

My hands started roaming up Bella's back, caressing her naked flesh. She wasn't wearing a bra and by their own volition, my fingers moved closer to the front, to the sides of her breasts.

Bella moaned softly as they found their target and softly started kneading her flesh.

In response Bella started prying off my button down and t-shirt. I pulled away so that she would have better access and took the opportunity to do the same and peel off the shirt she'd been wearing, which revealed her breasts to me. Her nipples pebbled at the coolness of the room and firmed under my hands as I circled them with my thumbs.

"Edward." She gasped. I smiled and drew her closer and then leaned in to place little kisses where her heart was beating furiously. My mouth found one of her nipples and sucked gently, applying enough pressure to have Bella writhing.

It was evident that I wasn't that guy anymore, the inexperienced future priest who couldn't comprehend these things, these pleasures. By no means was I suddenly an expert either but Bella and I had learned together how to please each other.

I now knew that if you really loved someone, as deeply as I did Bella and she loved me, that there was nothing embarrassing about showing it. It wasn't kinky or freaky for us. It was love.

"I love you," Bella whispered as my tongue circled her other nipple. "So much," she added in a hiss.

I released her nipple and looked up and into the golden chocolate swirl of her eyes. "As I love you," I said, before I leaned in to capture her mouth with mine.

We made out like that for a while, skin to skin as our hands roamed and our mouths affirmed the declaration we had spoken.

We only parted when oxygen became a problem, both of us gasping for air but never losing contact.

"Make love to me," Bella said and then she frowned before blinking away freshly forming tears in her eyes. "We might never get to do it again."

Taken aback by her words, I grabbed her chin as gently as I could and forced her to look at me.

"Listen to me," I said. "Nothing is going to happen. We're both going to be alright. This will be over soon and then we go home and live happily ever after," I said determinedly.

I wanted her to believe it, even if it was foolish to make such promises. We had to believe in something and we had to believe in it together.

Bella sniffled and nodded before she searched for my lips and traced them with her fingers.

"Forever?" she whispered.

I nodded. "Forever," I vowed and kissed her again briefly, before I pushed her down gently and made my way to her jeans, which I unbuttoned and tugged down. I noticed Bella's panties were moist from her arousal.

Bella tried to make work of my jeans and boxers but I had to help her and pushed them down and kicked them off before climbing on top of her.

"Is this okay?" I asked as I felt her heat against my penis.

"Yes," Bella nodded as she held me close and gasped a little as I gently and slowly pushed into her warmth.

I wanted to move slowly to savor the moment, although it was difficult because of the sounds Bella was making.

"So good." She moaned, which made me smile because I wanted her to feel good, to forget about everything, if just for a little while.

I had to echo her sentiment too because being this close did feel very good.

Unable to hold out any longer, I went a little faster, burying myself in her warmth over and over while Bella met my every thrust and equaled the rhythm until we both reached our climax and I collapsed on top of her.

Slick with sweat and breathing heavily we laid there in silence, drifting off into oblivion until a firm knock on the door brought us back to reality.

"Crap," Bella muttered.

"It must be Demetri and Charlie," I said as I regretfully untangled myself from her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"I better answer it."

"You're naked," Bella pointed out teasingly and I grinned, happy she didn't revert back into her worried self instantly.

"That might scare them off." I winked as I searched for my jeans and t-shirt.

Once I was dressed, I sprinted towards the door, where the knocking had become louder, to open it.

"That took you long enough," Charlie muttered.

"Bella and I were taking a nap," I said coolly. "She needs all the rest she can get if she's going to do this," I pointed out as I allowed them to enter.

Just as I closed the door behind them, Bella came walking out the bedroom, her face weary again. She flashed me a sad smile, reminding me that she hadn't forgotten what had just passed between us, but the carefree moment was gone now.

"Are you ready?" Demetri asked.

She shook her head, frowning.

Of course she wasn't ready. How could someone be ready to face a monster?

"We have to go," Charlie muttered. "It's almost time."

Bella nodded and took a deep breath.

"So, let's go then."

* * *

**BPOV**

No, Demetri, I wasn't fucking ready...

And I was losing my mind. The closer we got to the point of no return, the more I was losing all sense of reality. I kept telling myself that I had to be brave, that there was nothing to be afraid of because I wasn't that girl anymore. That girl that had allowed herself to be scared of the monster.

There was this mantra in my head that kept telling me I was stronger now. That I had faced things on the streets that were so much fucking worse than Aro.

But it was useless. I was terrified. Because this was Aro and he was powerful, there was no denying that. He had a hold over me.

And of all places to go and confront him, this was the worst for me.

We were on our way to church. And not just any church. A church I was very familiar with.

A church where he had done unspeakable things to me.

I felt Edward's hand caressing the skin on the back of mine but it wasn't enough to soothe me. I tried to focus on it, to feel comforted by it but none of it did the trick. I tried to think of our lovemaking but for some reason it continued to lead me back to what had led to my need for him, which had been an excruciating nightmare where Aro had killed him...

I sighed. Allowing Edward to come with me was a mistake. But I couldn't send him away now. I was selfish and needed him too much.

I stared out the window and tried to find some sort of a landmark, something I'd recognize, but after six years, there was very little that looked familiar.

Until a building loomed before us. Green towers, large steps. I knew this place. Very well.

My heart started beating rapidly in my chest, hammering against my ribcage. I tried to breathe deeply to calm myself but when I saw the sign that welcomed us in the house of God, I felt like I was transported back in time.

**FLASHBACK**

I felt on edge. The choir was singing and everyone seemed lost in the words, the rhythm and the melody of the psalm and I wanted to close my eyes and drift away as well. To find peace of mind like those around me did.

But I was being watched closely. _By Aro_.

He was looking at me with such intensity, not paying attention to the choir at all. Instead he observed me, while his fingers made patterns that went from just above my knee to my thigh that was covered in white cotton and lace.

I tried not to notice and act casual but it was difficult. I was well aware that he was crossing some major boundaries here but on the other hand, I didn't know him very well and Renée seemed to like him, so I didn't want to anger him.

He had been kind to me, kinder than anyone ever had been. So maybe he was just trying to show me affection.

We'd been in Chicago for a few weeks and today was a big day. I was going to be welcomed in God's arms as Aro had called it.

I was being baptized.

I looked at the pretty white dress I was wearing. It was certainly the nicest and most expensive item of clothing I'd ever worn. I gently stroked the delicate ribbon around my waist that flowed out onto the skirt of my dress and tried to focus on the song.

I closed my eyes and the strangest thing flashed before my eyes.

Charlie.

My dad.

There was a pang of longing and hurt in my heart and I tried to shake it off. He didn't care. After all, he hadn't stopped Renée and me when we left.

He had simply let us go.

I opened my eyes again and found Aro staring at me with a smile gracing his lips. He seemed nice and caring but that smile... there was something about it. I think it frightened me. It was too perfect, too nice. He was hiding something behind it.

I was aware that he was powerful. The man had enough money to save half of Africa or something and owned houses and businesses all over the world, and maybe that smile belonged to a powerful man who always got what he wanted.

I flashed him a polite smile in return and tried to look back at the congregation but no one seemed aware of this exchange. So Aro held my gaze and tightened the grip on my knee a little.

This was definitely uncomfortable.

"Sei così innocente, Isabella," he murmured and I had no idea of what that meant but I picked up on the word 'innocente' which sounded like innocent. I guess he found me innocent, which at thirteen I was. How could I be anything but?

And he stole that from me...

"Bella?

I shook my head, trying to escape the painful memories and looked up to find an anxious Edward looking at me.

"Yes?"

"We're here."

Old St. Patrick's church.

The soft green towers, the steps leading up to the entrance. I remembered it all...

And just like that I was that thirteen year old girl again, that girl who was walking into a disaster without knowing.

Except this time... I was well aware of what I was walking into.

Demetri passed the church and parked the car a little further away, probably to stay inconspicuous.

"Okay, remember," he said as he cut the engine. "We go in, the three of us, while Charlie monitors from here. Bella, your wire still secure?"

The tiny little thing that was hidden in my bra - the irony - was secured tightly and kind of itchy. But it had to be done. I didn't know a thing about the technology but apparently this miniscule device was key to getting a confession from Aro. It was hidden under a band aid, deeply stuck in my cleavage and to be honest it made me feel very uncomfortable. Charlie had said that it would filter out sounds like breathing and heart beats but it still felt like the thing could record everything, including my thoughts and fears.

I nodded.

"Good. Charlie will turn it on as soon as we are inside the church. Edward, you can sit beside Bella but remember... you have to pretend not to know her, okay?" Demetri said.

Edward frowned, his lips pressed into a thin disapproving line. He hated this plan and I couldn't blame him because in terms of it being a logical or rational one, it was ridiculous. But what choice was there? Aro was a smart man, not someone who'd easily get caught. Extreme nonsensical measures seemed necessary here.

"And once he spots her and beckons both of you to go with him... to his house... I stay put until you leave and then go back here?" he said coolly.

Oh, yes Edward definitely hated the plan.

"I'll be waiting here," Charlie assured him.

Edward shrugged and grabbed my hand a little tighter. "I don't care about that," he said. "You," he turned to Demetri, "You better make sure she comes back in one piece."

Demetri flashed him a tiny smile and nodded. "I will."

The silence that followed was uncomfortable. Edward kept staring at me, while Charlie and Demetri looked away awkwardly in the front. I finally broke the silence when it became too much to bear.

"Can you give us a moment?" I asked them, to which they both grumbled before relenting and getting out of the car.

As soon as they were out of sight, I leaned in and nuzzled Edward's neck, desperate to have a few more minutes of normalcy before I would be dropped onto the monster's cage without knowing if I would be able to make it out.

"Bella... I have a bad feeling about this," Edward said as he kissed my hair. "I know I am being incredibly unsupportive and fickle right now but a part of me wants to grab you and take you away right this moment."

"I know. I wish we didn't have to do this either."

"No one is forcing you," Edward pointed out. "Those two men outside this car failed you, so you certainly don't owe _them_ anything. If they are so desperate to catch the bad guy, perhaps they should put themselves at risk instead of you."

"Edward, I know what you're saying and I know you are right but please... this is what I agreed to do. I don't like it any more than you do but I can't back out now."

Edward sighed and turned so he was facing me. He lifted my chin and leaned in to press his lips against mine. "Please be safe... please don't think you can fight this man by being a hero. You are strong, you survived before... but there is no need to do stupid things."

I smiled against his lips. "That goes for you too. Once Demetri and I leave with Aro - assuming that's what will happen - you have to let me go."

I hadn't meant for it to sound so final but for some reason that's the way the words tumbled from my lips and the terror that had been building all day was consuming me now and for a tiny moment, just before I could push it away, I wondered if I would ever see Edward again, after I'd left with Aro.

"Bella," he admonished me gently. "Don't say that. I won't ever let you go."

"Edward..." my voice was shaky and I tried desperately to keep it together.

"Look at me," he commanded softly. "Everything will be alright."

He'd said that a lot in the past few days and I was pretty certain he didn't really believe in it that much himself but was just trying to assure me.

"I love you so much," I told him. "Never forget that."

"I love you. And once this is all done... I think you and I need a break..."

I frowned. "A break?"

Did Edward want to break up with me?

He noticed the confusion in my eyes and stroked my cheek in assurance. "I mean a vacation. Together."

"What about school?" I pointed out.

It still bothered me that he was out here with me, instead of finishing his dissertation. The deadline was getting closer and there was only a small time frame for him to complete it so he could graduate in time.

"That doesn't matter." Edward shrugged. "I just want to be with you. That's all I ever want."

That was all I ever wanted as well. A small flash of white picket fences and gauzy lace and golden rings played through my head. Maybe someday we could have that. But none of those dreams could become a reality as long as Aro was still out there with this hold over me.

I looked at Edward and he looked at me. It reminded me of earlier in the day when we had made love. I drank him in and tried to remember every feature. The green of his eyes, the redness of those lips I loved to kiss. His unruly 'has mind of its own' copper locks and the innocence that was still radiating out of him.

He loved me.

I loved him.

That's why I had to be strong and protect him.

I pecked his lips once more before pulling away and shifting in my seat to put some distance between us. In that moment, I locked my heart away and willed myself to be strong. It had to be done, for his protection.

Edward frowned, obviously noticing the change but before he could comment on it, a loud knock on the window pulled us from the safety of the car's confinement and the moment to let understanding transpire between us vaporized.

Demetri opened the passenger door on my side, why Charlie got Edward's.

"You go ahead," Demetri pointed to Edward as he got out. "Remember, we can't be seen together. Just sit in the pew in the back and we'll join you shortly."

Edward stood on the pavement, looking at me, waiting for me to give him some kind of sign I supposed. I gave him a nod and he looked disappointed.

"I love you," Edward mouthed before he hesitantly turned around and started walking toward the church. I wanted to stop him and say it back but couldn't.

"So... are you ready, Little One?"

I frowned because that name brought back emotions I was trying to push down so desperately.

"Does it matter?" I asked him before I started walking toward the church, following the guy that was keeping my heart safe.

"Isabella..."

"This isn't a game, Demetri." I spat before striding away forcefully. "People could get hurt. Edward could get hurt."

He sighed as he caught up with me. "I know... believe me._ I know_."

"You have to promise me that no matter what, Edward stays out of harm's way. We both know what Aro is capable of and if he knows who Edward is..." I trailed off.

Demetri grabbed my arm to stop me. "Hey... listen... it'll all work out."

"You don't know that," I said. "So just promise me... promise me Edward will remain safe."

Demetri nodded. "You have my word."

* * *

**EPOV**

I had read about Old St. Patricks a long time ago and I'd seen pictures. I vaguely recalled that my father had visited Chicago and this church a few times. Still, it was strange walking in here, a place that didn't seem like a Catholic sanctuary at all. To me it resembled a dragon's lair.

The lair in which Bella would find herself facing the beast soon.

Bella. I touched my lips to find the ghost of her kiss but all I found was my own lips, dry because of the May warmth and general nerves that were forming in the pit of my stomach.

I wanted to turn around and walk back, grab Bella and run. But that would certainly not be appreciated. Even Bella would be angry with me if I ruined it at the last minute. She had marched herself into the cage now; she was solely focused on dealing with Aro once and for all. Right now, she wasn't my Bella. She was the Bella that was hiding behind her carefully constructed wall again and I was not inside the wall with her.

It hurt that she had shut me out, even if I understood why she'd done it. All she'd tried to do was protect me. And I was sure that she felt that any kind of emotions would distract her and make her weaker. But again, it hurt. It felt like a rejection when she'd moved away from me just now.

I stopped in front of the stairs and looked at the entrance.

This was supposed to be a safe haven, a _sanctuary_. The house of the Lord was supposed to protect people.

But it felt like there was no protection here. This felt like a minefield with booby traps and unanticipated surprises. Where every man could be your enemy and certainly not your friend.

How could I let Bella walk into this?

I looked back once more and saw Bella and Demetri coming my way. They looked like they were in some sort of discussion and again I fought against the temptation to walk back. But I didn't. Instead I looked up at the heavens and searched for some kind of strength to get through this.

For all of us to get through this.

I took one more deep breath and entered the church. People were coming in behind me, though none of them paid me any specific attention. I managed to secure a spot in the back, taking up a little more space than customary, so that Bella and Demetri could sit as well.

Then I waited and it felt like time stopped. Like I had been transported to a moment that lasted forever. I tried to distract myself by focusing on my surroundings, pretending to admire the church's architecture but my eyes kept going back to the entrance. And then, just as I was about to go mad with worry and frustration, Bella appeared, her face void of any expression.

It was evident, well to me at least, that she was locked inside herself. That was probably the only way she would be able to handle this.

Demetri followed after her and guided her to where I was sitting.

"Excuse me, are these seats taken?" he asked a little too loudly and formally.

I looked at Bella but she remained impassive and waited for me to move so both of them could take their seats next to me.

Bella slid in next to me, her thigh touching mine. She continued to look straight ahead and didn't acknowledge me once. I longed to grab her hand but was afraid to. It felt like I would have to approach an angry or frightened cat. You'd never know what it'd do and if it would wound you. I wanted to get her attention, to see a glimmer of something in her eyes but there was no opportunity because Demetri suddenly turned and looked at me, before nodding his head to somewhere upfront.

"He's here," he said lowly and for the tiniest moment Bella's facade broke and I felt her shiver beside me.

Out of instinct I reached for her hand but she pulled it away before I could touch her.

"Bella?" I whispered, but there was never any reaction.

The moment was gone.

* * *

**BPOV**

I needed his touch so badly... so fucking badly. But I couldn't allow myself the comfort. In here Edward had to be a stranger. Someone I had never met. That's what the facade needed to portray. Aro had eyes and ears everywhere and if anyone would see any kind of display of affection between us, I had no doubt it would get back to Aro instantly. That would make Edward a target.

I felt Edward's stare on me and I had to bite down hard on my lip, drawing blood, forcing myself not to meet his stare and reassure him that I loved him and that this was all for show.

I could only hope he knew that.

"He's here," Demetri suddenly muttered and for a moment I froze.

I was trapped. There was no turning back. I was inside the cage of the monster now. If I got up and fucking ran, I would make a scene and he would see me. If I remained in place, he would eventually see me as well.

The result would always be the same.

I forced myself to focus and to keep breathing. I had been here before; in this place, in this moment.

The dragon's lair, the lion's den.

But I had also survived before and I would survive now. I had to. Edward counted on me.

Demetri seemed to relax a little after a few moments. "Mass is about to begin. I don't think he saw you or me just yet," he murmured. "We'll wait until after it's finished until we go to him."

In that moment I wanted to hate Demetri. I could feel the choking fear that was crushing me inside pounding against the walls within; the walls where I was safe from letting any kind of emotion rule me.

But the growing panic was a strong competitor though and I seriously doubted if I could sit here in this place where such horrendous things had happened to me, and make it until the end of that, and then have to face him after.

The choir started singing and bitter, cruel memories filled my head one by one, slamming through the barriers of time and into the here and now.

Aro's hand on my knee.

Aro's fingers creeping closer to my upper thigh.

I was fifteen and no longer innocent. No longer pure.

He had taken that from me the night after I had been baptized.

The soft cooing in my ear as he kissed my cheeks and moved down further to kiss my fingers and wrists.

One could consider him a tender lover but the brutality with which he forced himself onto me and into me, had nothing to do with romance and tenderness.

It was beastly and disgusting and the bile started burning my throat as I relived every horrific moment I had ever spent with him.

The confessions in the booth that was located somewhere in this building.

The memory of me on my knees while he dropped his pants made me gag.

That had been my confession routine for a long time.

A blow job in the confession booth.

Or, if I had been a really bad girl in his eyes, he would fuck me there. And no one ever said a word or batted an eye. Those who knew kept fucking quiet.

My hands started shaking and time lost its essence.

I couldn't do this, panic was winning. I permitted myself a glance at Demetri who was stoically looking ahead, following the words of the priest upfront, and then allowed myself to look at Edward, whose eyes were on me.

He looked panicked too, reflecting what I felt.

"Bella," he mouthed and I shook my head. Edward couldn't be a part of this... he couldn't be in the cage with me.

This was between me and Aro.

He couldn't do this... he couldn't break me anymore. And he couldn't break some poor innocent girl either.

This had to stop.

And then it did.

Time stopped. The swirling stopped. The memories were gone. People rose and filtered out of the pews in front of us. And before I could protest, Demetri grabbed my hand and gave me a nod before he guided me through the leaving crowd.

I couldn't bear to look back at Edward.

Instead, I kept my head down and willed my legs to keep moving.

We walked and with every step the desire to yank my hand away and run back to Edward got stronger but Demetri's grip was strong and kept me firmly in place.

I looked at him questioningly, but he never met my stare. He looked ahead, eyes stone cold and unaffected, while his touch became more and more hostile. It was almost as if he was enjoying this. Presenting the sacrificial lamb to the hungry lion.

And then we halted and there were a few gasps that forced me to look up.

First I noticed Alec, who frowned disapprovingly. That was a change from the impassiveness I remembered from him.

Then my eyes caught Renée who for once in her life seemed to look at me with something other than hatred.

Though there wasn't anything maternal in her stare. Just surprise.

And then there was him.

The monster, the lion.

Grinning from ear to ear at his sacrificial lamb.

"Isabella."

The moment my eyes met his pitch black stare and I watched as his lips curled themselves around my name, I couldn't hold on to my strength any longer.

The last thing I remembered was the world going black.

* * *

**First and foremost thanks for all the continuing support and hi to all the newbies :). The next chapter isn't very far away though I am about to start a small vacation so I am not sure how much writing I'll get done. I'll try my best though. In the meantime check the story I wrote for Fandom for No Kid Hungry called "Shadowchild."**

**I think this chapter speaks for itself. **

**Note: Sei così innocente, Isabella = You're so innocent, Isabella**


	56. Better The Devil You Know

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 54: BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW**

"Let her be. She'll wake up soon."

"Perhaps we should throw some water in her face to speed up the process."

"Renée!" A voice spat icily.

_Renée?_

"What? They say it helps."

"Alec, please escort Renée out." The voice spoke with authority.

_Alec?_

"Aro, don't make a fuss. I was merely suggesting…"

"Renée, go!" The voice roared this time.

_Aro?_

Something deep down inside me recoiled, acknowledging that the names were familiar to me and that I should be afraid, but my mind was still fuzzy as I slowly regained consciousness so it was difficult to process it all.

As I fought to wake up, I could feel my head pounding, my brain beating in a steady but annoyingly throbbing rhythm against my skull. It hurt and I wanted nothing more but to sink back into oblivion. But my body forced me to be alert and open my eyes.

"She's coming to…"

Of course when I did open my eyes, I was nearly blinded by the harsh light that shone brightly. I squinted to lessen the effect but the brightness was blinding my vision.

"Dim the lights!" It was perhaps meant to sound tender and caring but it came out as a hiss.

I welcomed the subsiding brightness and allowed my eyes to adjust, my lids fluttering as I got accustomed to my surroundings.

The moment I did however manage to keep my eyes open, the moment I was confronted with reality. It all rushed back to me: where I was, who I was with, why I was here. And the names which familiarity I had questioned before slammed into me like a battering ram.

Renée. Slam!

Alec. Bam!

Aro...

Boulder crushing my body, my soul. Destroying everything like I was no more than Humpty-Dumpty who had fallen to thousands of tiny pieces.

Aro, my tormenter for so many years. The devil incarnated.

He was so close to me. I could feel his essence seeping into my pores and it made me feel dirty right away.

I looked up and there he was, hovering over me with his penetrating stare. His eyes were black as night and held promises of very bad things. The smile that graced his lips looked concerned and relieved on the surface, but I knew better. There was something a lot more sinister hiding behind his expression.

It was a look that had haunted me for years.

I wanted to get up so I could run but it was pointless. In one corner there was Felix, still big and bulky as always, strength and muscles hiding behind the fabric of a designer suit. He looked stoic and unimpressed but threatening at the same time with his black, cropped, short hair and the faded lines of a large scar on his left cheek.

In the other corner stood Demetri, who looked anywhere but my way. That was odd. I ignored the flicker of doubt his behavior caused inside me and focused back on the person closest to me.

_The monster_.

He was stroking my hand as he sat on the edge of the sofa I was lying on.

"Where am I?" I croaked. I knew I'd been out of it for a bit but I couldn't imagine they'd taken me far.

"We're still at the church," Demetri spoke before anyone else could. I tried to find extra meaning in his words, some hidden message there but it sounded cool and void of emotion.

I tried to sit up again, just to create a little distance from Aro and the touch of his body far too close to mine, but his cold hands pushed me back down.

"Distendere, Isabella," he spoke, deceptively soft, as he told me to stay put.

I shivered at the sound of his voice and his closeness. I gulped and closed my eyes, trying to will the panic away.

"Felix, go tell Alec to bring the car around. I am taking Isabella home."

_Home_. My home was elsewhere. My home was with Edward.

Edward! I wondered where he was, suppressing a whimper when I thought of how worried he had to be. I hoped he'd gone back to Charlie because at least that would mean he was safe and that Aro hadn't seen him.

I tried to make eye contact with Demetri again, hoping he'd give me some kind of clue but he still didn't pay me any attention. Instead, he busied himself with hovering around someone I hadn't seen until now.

Bree.

The girl who looked like me, but wasn't me. Now that I saw her in the flesh, I guess I understood why Aro had picked her – there was a definite resemblance.

She was pretty. The photo Charlie had shown me didn't do her justice. There was something angelic about her features. Feather light and graceful.

Her hair was a little frizzy and more of a chestnut color compared to my mahogany waves. Her eyes weren't as dark as mine, they seemed lighter, almost between ochre and dark fudge. Perhaps it depended on the lighting.

To be honest, and without sounding arrogant or fucking full of myself, it seemed that Bree, in comparison to me and with the probable purpose her resemblance to me served to Aro, was no more but an imitation to placate him. Keep the monster happy while he waited for my return.

But she wasn't me. However_, like me,_ she was a victim of his crimes. So while our looks weren't the same at all, that was one thing we had in common. There was a certain despair that lingered beneath the surface. I could tell as our eyes met.

Bree looked at me like I was a foreign object and she frowned as she noticed Aro's hand lingering on my arm.

While his touch sparked a fresh round of freaking out inside me, she seemed to think I enjoyed it. Which made her frown even more.

That was mildly intriguing.

Aro followed my gaze and noticed my exchange with the girl.

"Ah, Bree," he called her name in no more than a whisper, but she responded instantly, beaming as Aro addressed her. "Come say hello to Isabella...

"…your sister."

* * *

**EPOV**

My leg tapped against the floor, the sound uneven, showing how rhythmically challenged I was. It were nerves, biting and gut wrenching nerves that were making it hard for me to sit still and listen.

I knew I was annoying Charlie but frankly the feeling was rather mutual because he was irritating me too with the general disinterest and passiveness he displayed as he listened to the crackling voices of the people who currently held Bella captive.

Yes, captive. That's what it seemed like to me, even if all of this was part of the grand, master plan that was surely going to fail. Bella was with him now; the monster, _her abuser._

And she was alone because every person in that room was on his side. Except maybe Demetri though I wasn't too sure of that.

It was kind of perverted to listen in on them as they got reacquainted and it frustrated me immensely that I could do nothing but sit here in this slightly elevated chair with a coil spring poking in my behind in a beat up looking van with a logo that promised you "high quality seafood".

The van looked like one of those spy vans from the action movies Emmett liked to watch. There was all this equipment and so many buttons. The windows were tainted black and I was pretty certain that despite the friendly looking logo with a smiley salmon wearing a bow tie, we looked suspicious anyway.

And this wasn't a movie. This was reality. A painful reality where Bella was inside there somewhere with Aro. Trapped with the monster.

After Bella had fainted and the commotion had settled down, I had sat there in the back pew, unable to move. If it hadn't been for Charlie acting astute and dragging me out, I would've stayed there and might have even drawn attention to myself.

I'd been completely overwhelmed, in utter shock to see Bella react that way to seeing Aro again after all these years.

When I saw her faint, my heart had started pounding with a slamming force, every beat painful as I watched Demetri catch her before she'd hurt herself. It was the hardest moment in my life. It should've been me. I should've been the one catching her. It should always be me catching her, protecting her.

But it wasn't me. I'd been useless by sitting there; feeling numb as I watched the scene unfold in front of me like it was a terribly bad movie. I watched Bella be carried off somewhere by Demetri, while _he_ - the monster - gave directions. His entourage of people blocked my view and then Charlie grabbed me and dragged me back into the reality I'd most feared since this plan had been formed.

Bella was on her own now.

"You okay?" Charlie asked.

"No." I huffed at the stupidity of his question. "I am not okay. We have to go back, we can't just leave Bella with him… with them," I said in what had to be the tenth time in the last fifteen minutes.

Like I said, Charlie might be annoyed with me but the feeling was mutual.

"I told you, we can't. You have to have faith in Demetri; he'll make sure she stays safe while all this unfolds."

"Well, I don't have faith in Demetri," I said icily. "I am going back," I announced as I unbuckled my seatbelt and reached for the handle to open the passenger door. But Charlie wasn't having it. He acted quick and locked the door before I could make my escape.

"Don't even think about it," he warned as he pushed me back into the seat. "I can't have you doing anything stupid. It would not only ruin the chance to get Aro behind bars but it would also jeopardize Bella and surely you don't want that."

I hated that he played on my emotions, especially because he didn't seem to care about Bella himself. But of course, he had a point.

"Bella is not safe in there," I pointed out, defeated.

"Look, I understand this is hard, but I am sure Demetri will keep an eye on Bella. And she is a tough cookie. Besides," Charlie said, his voice a little softer as he pointed to some of the equipment in front of him. "We can listen in."

If that was supposed to make me feel better, it certainly didn't. I hated the idea of having to listen to Bella, knowing she had to be afraid, knowing that everything she had tried to escape in the past few years was now coming back to haunt her with no escape from it. I wanted her to be okay, to be safe. To be _with me._

"They're leaving," Charlie announced as he readjusted his headset, clearly marking our little discussion as over. "One of Aro's bodyguards is retrieving a car. Bella is alright; she just fainted and feels a little dizzy."

He handed me a headset, which allowed me to listen in as well. This is why Bella was equipped with a listening device, hidden as a tiny piece of fancy decoration; a shimmering fake diamond that decorated her bra.

I reluctantly grabbed the headphones and placed them over my ears. At first all I heard was crackling static but then, as the sound got better and my ears adjusted to it, I could hear a multitude of voices loud and clear.

Aro's voice was low and demanding, though masked by a strange pleasantness he most likely used to mislead people. He told the girl… Bree to come meet Bella, putting emphasis on the introduction by calling Bella the girl's sister.

This had me fuming. The audacity of this man. How dare he? My astonishment didn't last long however, because while it was very unpleasant to hear this man speak, I realized I had yet to hear Bella's voice. Charlie had said she was alright but I wanted to hear for myself.

"Boss, the car's here," a man suddenly announced.

"Excellent. Can you walk Isabella?" Aro asked, his voice still ever so soft and friendly. It wasn't real kindness though. It was the voice of a man who had spent a lifetime perfecting an image, a mask to fool people. To manipulate them into doing whatever he wanted to the point of taking away their dignity. And if they saw through him, like Bella, he used fear to make sure they still did what he wanted.

I was taught never to hate. To always forgive. But I hated this man and I didn't feel bad for it.

"Isabella?" his voice, smooth like butter dripped through the static. "Please answer me."

But she never did. And then, the next thing I heard was an audible gasp. A tiny sound that indicated shock, fear and extreme discomfort.

It was Bella. Had he hurt her? Was he displeased that she hadn't answered him?

I could hear jostling and looked to Charlie to see if he knew what was happening. But he simply shrugged and before I could go over possible options in my head, Aro answered my unspoken question.

"I suppose I'll have to carry you then."

Oh no. He was going to touch her. He was going to lift her into his arms and keep her close. I suppose an appropriate feeling would have been jealousy but I didn't particularly feel that way toward this man's actions. I was angry however, and also worried because I knew that Aro putting his hands on Bella was the last thing she wanted. I wondered how she'd be able to bear it and listened, almost eagerly, in hopes to find some kind of indication that she was keeping it together.

I listened in and from what I could tell, there wasn't any protest. There was silence, except for the thundering of a heart – Bella's heart. Though perhaps I was just imagining that sound. Still, I was certain her heart was hammering out of control right now.

"You have no idea how happy I am to have you home, la mia bella." I heard him tell her. I pressed my hands into the seat underneath me, feeling rough fabric scrape against my palm as I tried to stay calm. How I hated this man.

I yanked the headphones away and huffed in frustration. "We have to do something. We can't just allow him to take her away," I said. I knew I sounded like a broken record by now but I couldn't bear the idea of this monster dragging my Bella off to his lair where he could devour her. As soon as he brought her into his home, the place where she had faced so much agony for so long, he would have the power to destroy her and I could simply not let that happen.

Charlie sighed, his impatience becoming more evident. "Look, I know this is hard for you and that you got dragged into something bizarre, but you have to stop thinking about this from your own point of view because it isn't objective. You have to think strategically, even if it's difficult."

"You can't expect me to think 'strategically'," I muttered as I made air-quotes. "The woman I love is taken by a man who hurt her before. I know you couldn't care less about that, but I do. So excuse me if I am not thinking in terms of plans and succeeding. All I want is Bella. A safe Bella who can come home with me and leave all this behind."

Charlie rolled his eyes. "I know you want that, son. But the reality is that you will ruin the plan and put Bella in danger if you go running after her like a mad man. I mean, what do you expect will happen if you go after her? Let me paint you the not so pretty picture, Edward…

"Aro will see you and hurt you, because he can. And if he doesn't for whatever reason, someone else will. Remember, you'll be there unarmed and unprotected against Aro and his entourage. There is no chance for you to be the hero and save Bella. You have to let Demetri do what he has to do from the inside."

I crossed my arms and stared out the window to calm myself down. I hate that Charlie was right. And I wasn't sure if he wasn't somewhat wrong. Especially about Demetri. I didn't like him but I wanted to trust him. His behavior however was making that very hard.

"I don't like it," I said.

"You don't have to like it. You just have to remember that Demetri is with her and that he'll make sure Bella will be alright in there," Charlie said.

"But can we trust him?" I wondered. "Do _you_ trust him?" I specified the question.

Charlie shrugged. "Even if we can't, it doesn't change the fact Bella is wearing a wire with a GPS tracker. We'll always know where she's going."

"Until Aro finds out," I pointed out. "And you didn't answer my question; do you, as an FBI agent, trust Demetri?"

"Aro won't find out," Charlie said, his voice almost sounding bored now. "And it doesn't matter if I trust Demetri. When I approached him to become an insider for us, I took a chance. If I turn out to be wrong about him, meaning this plan will fail, so be it. I'll deal with it."

I wanted to scream. I didn't understand how this man could be so careless, so blasé.

"You don't care at all, do you? About your daughter. If she ends up hurt, or worse." I swallowed thickly at the thought of what "worse" could mean, before I continued, "you will just walk away, not giving a dam… darn like you always do."

He shrugged. "It's not my job to care. Right now all I want is to get that son of a bitch in jail. And I'll do whatever it takes to accomplish that. I can't have you running around like a headless chicken because you don't know what you're getting yourself into. If you can't handle this, I can drop you off at the hotel and you can wait there."

"What I want," I emphasized, "is to make sure I can take Bella home with me, safe and sound. You may not care, but I sure as heck do." I spat.

"If that's the case, then you have to trust that we all want the same end result, even if we have different objectives on how to reach it."

* * *

**BPOV**

I was in hell. This was really it. The deepest pits, flames licking at your skin, the devil laughing at you - hell.

I was in Aro's house. In an off white room with flower-patterned bed linens on oak furniture. With a large walk in closet with clothes that had once belonged to me.

There were books on a shelf and a desk filled with small knick knacks from a different time.

My old room. And nothing had changed. It was like I'd stepped into a time machine and had been transported back. Aro had kept everything the same.

"Eerie, isn't it?" a voice called from the doorway.

Demetri.

Those were the first words he had spoken to me since we had arrived back here. In the car ride over, Aro had kept a constant eye on me, not to mention a constant hand, as he insisted on holding mine the entire time. I had tried to ignore the sweatiness of his palm against mine and focused on one spot in front of me, which wasn't easy because with every brush of Aro's thumb against my skin, I felt the anxiety inside me rising.

But I knew that fighting it would ruin the chance of catching him and making sure he would never fucking hurt me again. Also, as much as I wanted to tap into that part of me that wanted to fight Aro, I couldn't. Every ministration was a reminder that he owned me that fear had its nasty grip on me.

Demetri hadn't been of much use until now. I tried to remember he too had a part to play to convince everyone here that he was on their side. That he had to convince them that he wasn't secretly siding with the enemy. But it was difficult to keep reminding myself of that when he made it all look so easy. It was hard to fucking discern if he was acting or if he was simply playing the game on two sides.

So to say I was a little pissed off at him when I turned around and saw him standing in the doorway, was a fucking understatement.

"What do you want?" I spat, still bitter that he had offered me so little support at the church by basically acting like I didn't exist.

"Just making sure you are alright. Aro wants me to stand guard at your door, while he makes sure Renée and Bree are settled in for the night. I am sure he'll come up here soon."

If his words were meant to sound like a warning, they sure missed the mark. They sounded ominous, foreboding. A very frightening promise.

I gulped. "And are you here as my former bodyguard, or as someone part of the plan? Someone who cares what happens to me while I am here?" I asked icily, which caused Demetri to frown.

"I am here to do as I am told. Perhaps you should do the same," he pointed out coolly.

"You are selling me out," I said accusingly, my voice surprisingly less shaky than I felt on the inside. That had to be it, he had to be on Aro's side, pretending to be on ours… on mine, only to make sure he could bring me back. Still, if that was the case then why had he waited for so long, if he'd kept track of me all these years? It didn't make sense, but then again none of this did and Demetri did little to set me straight and give me some peace of mind.

He just stood there, staring at me. Then, after what seemed like ages, he simply shook his head, muttering that I had trust issues. If that was supposed to comfort me, it sure didn't.

"Demetri," I pleaded, helplessly. "Tell me everything will be alright."

But he never got the chance, because when he started to open his mouth, there was a knock on the door behind him.

Aro. He looked between us, his eyes narrowing as he tried determine what was going on between us before he relaxed a little and dismissed Demetri.

"I see Isabella is bothering you with questions again. You'd think by now she would know that you are a non-talkative Russian." He chuckled darkly before he pointed to the door with his head.

"You can go," he said, to which Demetri nodded and turned to leave, closing the bedroom door behind him.

Realizing I was now alone with him, my heart picked up in rhythm, every beat louder as Aro got closer. I wasn't sure if he could hear but it wouldn't surprise me if he did. He had to be attuned to that sort of thing.

Like a hunter circling the hunted. The wild animal stalking its tiny, frightened, powerless prey.

"Isabella," he crooned. "It's been too long."

* * *

**EPOV**

They say time moves the slowest when you want it to speed up and I was certainly starting to understand why people believed that. Time was moving at a snail's pace and every time I checked the neon colored numbers on the clock that was built into the dashboard, it seemed like they hadn't changed.

I stared out the window toward the large mansion in the distance. It kind of looked the haunted mansion version of the White House, but without the friendly inviting green lawn and large American flag. Instead it had large wrought iron fences with sharp points and a gate that was probably more secure than the presidential residence.

A place fit for a monster.

And Bella was inside.

I was going mad. Hours had passed and Bella was trapped in there with no one to rescue her. I was aware that the plan had never detailed any kind of rescue operation and that any rescuing wouldn't take place until Bella got a confession out of Aro. I had my doubts about him ever admitting that what he'd done was wrong and confessing to the abuse, but Charlie and Demetri insisted that that's what was needed to secure a conviction.

Until then, I was forced to watch that house, knowing that whatever went on inside would hurt and possibly damage Bella for a long time. Swapping one trauma for another. Everything she had built in the past years, every progress she had made in the past months could be undone in just a few days of being stuck inside that place.

As I had suspected, Demetri didn't prove to be of much help, since he gave _no_ indication whatsoever that he was still in on the plan to put Aro in jail. And while Charlie tried to reassure me that Demetri just knew how to play his part really well, whenever I brought this up, which was almost as often as I glanced at that non-moving clock, I didn't believe him.

Just now I had heard Bella point out in a loud and clear voice that he was selling her out and he hadn't denied it. For a moment I'd been too relieved to hear her speak and with a little bit of fire in her voice too, but then, as he remained practically non responsive to her accusations and Aro had announced himself after that, I went back to worrying.

Charlie in the meantime maintained that everything was fine. According to him Aro seemed genuinely thrilled to have Bella return which meant he bought the charade. But Charlie was thinking with an analytical FBI brain. He didn't hear the fear in Bella's voice and how she tried to hide it. Of course, if he had managed to hear it, it probably wouldn't have mattered since he didn't care anyway.

"He's talking," Charlie suddenly alerted me, holding out the headphone for me to take them. He seemed to relish in this… in closing in on the beast, while all I could think about was Bella and how scared she must be.

"Isabella... you have no idea how happy I am that you have returned to me. I have missed you, angelo."

His voice was soft, almost gentle like a caress. A stranger would mistake this man for someone who cared.

"Did you?" she asked, her voice trembling slightly. I wondered if he would notice and if he would enjoy it. I was betting a yes on both counts.

"But of course. I was devastated when you left."

There was silence but the crackling of the audio device couldn't mask the discomfort that was seeping through the audio barriers.

"So beautiful," he whispered and I imagined he was touching her now, his hands on her skin, leaving invisible burn marks in their wake. I pictured how Bella would go rigid under his touch, while a war raged inside her. A war between the girl he had damaged so much and the street savvy girl that could fight him if she wanted to.

If she could. I'd seen her talk big and act tough but this man had a hold over her. A tight grip on her entire being. It was like she was powerless against him paralyzed by the fear he emanated.

Defeated, I took the headphones off, tired of listening. "Have you been able to reach Demetri yet?" I asked Charlie, while I looked out the tainted windows and to the large house that was standing tall, powerful and secluded a few hundred feet further down the road.

"I don't think he is in the position to be of much assistance right now. He can't answer his phone without looking suspicious, so I am not going to call him. I see no reason to anyway, since so far everything is going according to plan," Charlie said.

Of course, the stupid, ridiculous, dangerous, non effective plan.

"Isn't he supposed to provide Bella protection in there... why is he letting Aro get this close to her? You know she can't fight him. And there is no way she is going to get that confession you want out of him. Nor should she. She's a victim, not a cop."

"Well, she's just going to have to find the will to do what she needs to do," Charlie snapped. "Look, kid... I understand that this entire plan is bogus to you and that you'd rather see your girlfriend wasn't inside there, but she is. Need I remind you she is there by choice? This was her idea, therefore, it means she is willing to take this man down and she needs to try her hardest to make sure he doesn't suspect anything. If that means acting like a meek little lamb, I am all for it. If you can't handle it, I'll be happy to give one of my colleagues a call and have him escort you back to the hotel."

"You really don't care, do you?" I asked, still astounded that Charlie Swan didn't seem to have any emotion toward the fact that his daughter was in there with the man who had abused her for several years.

"I told you before that I don't so there is no use in you continuously pointing it out." Charlie shrugged. "It's not my job to care about anything but the grander scheme of things. I know that makes me an asshole, but I am not going to bullshit you."

I smiled involuntarily, thinking that Bella wouldn't take bull shit from anyone either.

Well in any other circumstance.

Of course, this was different. This was her own proverbial hell.

* * *

**BPOV**

I watched as his hands crept up, my eyes trained on the goose bumps that erupted on my skin as he touched me.

_Get your pervy hands off me, you fucking bastard_, I screamed in my head as his cool hands slid up my arm.

But I didn't stop him, not verbally nor physically. I was numb and paralyzed and it felt like I was slowly transforming back into the girl I was before I'd ran from this place. I didn't stop Aro then and I wasn't able to stop him now. It was like the strong will I had displayed whenever someone had tried to force me against my will on the streets was dormant, no longer existing.

And I hated it. I hated that this creep had such fucking power over me. That there was nothing I could do to stop him because I was so mentally weak. I wanted to scream at him... hurt him... claw his eyes out or kick him where it would most definitely hurt... but…

There was no fight in me. I did nothing but sit on the bed, the mattress sinking underneath me, hoping I'd be swallowed by it as I let it happen.

"I have to say... I am a little disappointed." Aro sighed, snapping me out of my little inner rant. He stared at me with such intensity, the bad kind, as his fingers made patterns on my skin.

"Why?" I croaked.

"I never thought you'd leave. But of course... as a father I should have known that it was bound to happen... my little girl exploring the world... I should just be thankful that Demetri brought you back."

His little girl? My father? I wanted to throw up and tried not to, though it was very difficult to keep myself from gagging. If he had been truly fatherly, he would've never done the terrible things he did.

A father was supposed to protect you from the monsters, not act like one himself. Of course, my real, biological father hadn't done that either. He'd been too cowardly to face the monster.

"You," I started, taking a deep breath, "are not my father."

I meant to say it more bitingly, to hurt him with some venomous words but it sounded small and muted. Still, I was surprised that I had spoken up, even if it didn't entirely come off the way I'd meant for it to sound.

Aro wasn't impressed, however.

"Ah, Isabella." He chuckled tauntingly. "Please don't tell me that in your time of rebellion you have come to the conclusion that good old Charlie Swan is suddenly your father. Because let me tell you, the man couldn't care less about you. We may not be blood related but I gave you everything... I gave you a life."

_You gave me nothing but despair_! I wanted to scream, but once again the words got stuck in my throat.

I tried to look him in the eye to show some kind of bravery, but it was more like the monster was keeping me, _its prey_, in a locked stare, ready to pounce when he wanted to. I was hypnotized by the darkness behind his irises, like the blackness from his soul was shining through.

I knew it was only a matter of time until he would stake his claim on my body and soul again and I tried to think of ways to fight him off when that time came. But how could I be brave enough to tell him off and face whatever consequences that kind of rejection would bring, when I couldn't even get my voice to sound stronger, when I couldn't push his arm away from touching me?

Even worse, how was I supposed to get a confession out of him?

Aro was my master, he commanded my every move and as his thumb stroked my cheek, I tried to imagine it was Edward to separate myself from the situation, but the idea of mixing a good memory with this kind of torture was fucking blasphemous and so I tried to endure it without crying or gagging.

"I must say, I am surprised." He frowned. "And very disappointed," he emphasized again.

I waited for him to elaborate but he never did. Instead, his lips curved into a sinister smile. "Oh, Isabella," he murmured as he leaned in, his mouth so close to mine, I was certain he was about to do something unsavory, something to send me over the edge.

I froze and so did time. Like so many terrifying memories, I got hit by flashes of nightmarish shadow lands where the branches of dead trees clawed at me, while Aro's mocking laugh followed me. It was nothing but a foolish metaphor but its effect made me shiver.

As I waited for Aro to take me and kill whatever spirit I had managed to rebuild for good, he just sat there. I realized he was taunting me, feeding on my fear as he relished in his power. And then, and quite abruptly too, he moved away. His hand left my skin and for a moment I could breathe again. I daren't look him in the eye, too afraid of what his reasoning would be, but I hoped that maybe I was too old to please him. Maybe he would move on to Bree, although the idea of that did repulse me too.

"Not tonight." He sighed and whatever momentary relief I'd been able to hold onto, vaporized instantly.

It was only a temporary reprieve. He had no intention of not following through, of not showing me that he still owned me after all these years.

It was a simple stay of execution… prolonging my anxiety. Lengthening my torment. He wanted to break me and this was how he was going to do it.

He was going to kill me slowly.

One brush of his hand against my cheek in warning and his dry lips against the back of my hand as a horrendous promise.

"Soon, Isabella," he whispered, before he left my room. As soon as the door was closed, I heard the click of a lock firmly put in place.

I was trapped in my cage… trapped until the monster decided he wanted to play with me again. Play with me until I died. He wasn't planning a merciful fucking death. No, he wanted to drag this out.

I sat there for ages, until my eyelids got so heavy that it became impossible not to give into my exhaustion, even if I knew before I hit unconsciousness that I'd get trapped inside my worst dreams anyway.

And of course, I did. In this nightmare, which played as if on a loop, Aro came back into my room but instead of taking me, he dragged Edward in with him. Edward, looking as if he was the reincarnation of Jesus, with a crown of thorns piercing into his forehead and bleeding wounds on his wrists and ankles. And everything the nightmare played out, I screamed and begged for mercy for Edward but it never came and I continued to end up muffling my agony into one of the pillows on the bed whenever I found my way back to consciousness.

After a particularly horrible ending where Aro stabbed Edward numerous times, I decided that sleep was pointless since it didn't bring me rest. I sat up and looked at the door, well aware it was still closed and wondered if maybe Demetri would be on the other side to stand guard.

Of course, if his words before would prove to be an indication, it'd be pointless to expect that. I was on my own here. Demetri had decided to play this in his own way, whatever that might be.

I got up and stared out the window, watching the pale moon as it shone brightly, casting a strange light on the front yard below and the wilted looking statues that had been strategically set up on the stone terrace. In the distance, I noticed the white van with a logo that promised you "high quality seafood" that captured my attention and made me think of Edward and his illogical love for salmon. I smiled despite the situation I was in and hoped that my dead beat ass father, who had never and would never deserve that title, was at least keeping Edward safe.

And then, like a sudden stroke of genius, or rather a much delayed afterthought, I realized that me being wired meant that Charlie and possibly Edward too were listening in. Now while that did nothing to comfort me because I hated for Edward to be part of this and hear these conversations, right now, I could use it to my advantage.

"Edward, I love you," I whispered hoping he would hear, or, if Charlie had, he would have enough fucking compassion to pass the message along.

It was all I could do for now, all I had to assure Edward I still thought of him every moment, even if we were separated now.

And I was glad for that fact because it meant that Edward was safe. Aro could do whatever he wanted to me, as long as he never suspected anything about the man I loved more than life.

He could own me, devour me, hurt me in the worst ways possible, heck even fucking kill me, as long as Edward would make it out unscathed.

I looked at the dark sky and how the moon got slowly swallowed by the dark skies and waited for morning to come. I dozed off a few times, leaning against the window pane, bumping my head against the glass as I tried to stay awake. Eventually, the sky lightened and morning arrived. And with it did a whole new round of anxiety, especially when Demetri walked into my room and told me to get dressed as soon as possible because Aro expected me for a family breakfast.

It was like nothing had changed, with one big exception: Demetri was cool and unpredictable. He seemed pissed at me and I didn't understand why. I knew he couldn't be too open with me because Aro had eyes and ears everywhere around here, but now he was just plain rude. Cold as ice.

In the past he'd always been nice to me, even if Aro had told him off for paying me too much attention. Right now however, it seemed like Demetri wasn't on my side at all. He had to know how terrible my night had been, but he offered me no comfort.

He waited outside the door while I got dressed. In a silly moment of defiance I ignored the black pressed pants and the pale white blouse that Demetri had dropped on my bed and kept on the dark jeans and long sleeved black shirt I'd came here in instead.

Demetri frowned as he noticed my attire but didn't say a word. Again I looked for any kind of reaction but his face morphed into a mask of disinterest.

I followed him down the stairs, every step weighing heavier than the one before. I was pretty certain I would not be having breakfast with just Aro. After all Demetri had called it a "family breakfast" which indicated that other people would be present as well. At least that would keep me safe for a while.

When I entered the dining room where breakfast was being served, I tried to keep my head down, not wanting to meet anyone's stare.

Demetri guided me to my seat which naturally was right next to Aro and left me to fend for myself.

"Good morning, Isabella," Aro said, his voice low. "Was there something wrong with the clothes Demetri brought you?"

I wanted to tell him off, but his anger wrapped around me like a tight rope and all the bravura I had felt when deciding to ignore the clothes he'd wanted me to wear, dissipated.

"Well?" he snapped but then turned his attention away when he realized I wasn't going to answer. "See, Bree. This is what happens when you let the outside world affect you," he said icily, looking at the girl across from me, who was wearing a light pink vest, with a frilly soft yellow blouse underneath. Her hair was perfectly coiffed and she smiled at Aro so widely, I worried her jaw would break.

"Is this the example you want to set for your little sister?" Aro asked me. "How can she look up to you when you defy me so?"

His words were comical and delusional and I really wished I could simply laugh in his face.

Was he for real?

"Oh, for Pete's sake." A voice on the other end of the table interrupted him, forcing him to break his holding stare on me.

Renée.

I hadn't really had the chance to look at her until now, since we hadn't interacted. She looked as coiffed and well kept as Bree. Older than I remembered but still pretty, I supposed. For some reason, it was less scary to face her now than it had been a few months ago when she'd been in that hotel in Vancouver. And she certainly gave no indication that she had recognized me then.

"Would you like to say something?" Aro asked Renée who seemed unimpressed.

"This is ridiculous." She huffed. "You can't expect these girls to act like sisters. And you certainly can't expect Isabella to be a good influence," she added bitingly, her words supposed to be stinging and hurtful.

Of course, she still hated me. That hadn't changed in all those years. In a way it was oddly comforting to know that, to know that some things never changed.

"Renée," Aro warned but it seemed she wasn't impressed by his tone. She simply rolled her eyes and shrugged before going back to spooning her poached egg.

"You must eat," Demetri chided me softly as he took his place next to me. I spared him one glance, and in that moment, I finally found what I had been looking for: a sign that he was still on my side. I still didn't know what his earlier irritation had been about and there was no time for me to ask but for now I settled with the idea that he was putting up an act to make sure Aro wouldn't get suspicious.

I grabbed a piece of toast, the rough crispy feeling chafing against my skin. It was still warm when I dropped it on my plate, wondering how the fuck I was going to force it down. I could feel Aro's eyes on me and it made my hands shake. I tried to ignore his staring as I put some butter on it, pretending I was going through a normal breakfast routine.

The room was eerily quiet while everyone ate their breakfast. I concentrated on my toast, breaking it into little pieces to distract myself. I thought about Edward and what he would be doing right now. No doubt it would be difficult for him to eat this morning, being without me, just like it was excruciating for me. I hoped he'd gotten my message somehow; he had to know how much I loved him.

I longed to be in the safety of his arms, to be done with all this so I could bury the past. I thought of what he had promised me, how we would go on a vacation as soon as this was over. I truly hoped we would make it that far, but I had to be realistic. There was a chance, and a good one at it, that this would fail.

I wondered what would happen if we did fail. If I would fail? Would Aro keep me here forever? Would he kill me out of rage? Probably not. He'd prefer tormenting me forever.

I could take it though. I would make the sacrifice of forever being owned by him if it kept Edward safe. As long as Aro didn't know about Edward, the rest didn't matter. Preferably it would be better if this plan worked and I'd manage to get a confession out of Aro; an admission that would land him in prison for the rest of his life. But if all failed and my worst nightmare came true, it would be a small relief to know Edward would walk away unharmed.

"After breakfast, I think Isabella and Bree should spend some time together," Aro announced out of the blue, which elicited a smile from Bree that was directed at me. I forced myself to smile back, if only to show this girl that I was on her side, even if I didn't believe in a word her monst... master said.

The whole point was to gain this girl's trust because we needed her on our side. If we wanted to be successful in getting Aro fucking convicted, than getting her to testify against him was crucial. My word wasn't enough but two against one would make our case much stronger.

More importantly, this girl deserved to be saved; she should not have to spend the rest of her life in a cage as a play thing to a cruel and ruthless monster. I wondered about her family, if she had any and what kind of life she could have if Aro was out of the picture.

I felt relief when Aro announced that the farce of a family breakfast was over and he summoned Demetri to escort Bree and I to the library.

I was glad for this break, to have the time alone with her so I could gauge her real opinion of Aro. Demetri seemed to feel the same way because he actually gave me a small nod when he closed the door behind us as soon as we entered the library. He stood off to the side, supposedly to guard us, but didn't say a word. I was certain Aro would ask him all about Bree and my bonding time later though.

But if we had hoped that Bree was terrified of Aro, terrified like I'd once been, we were mistaken because after she had hugged me forcefully, which was admittedly more than a little weird, she proceeded to sing his praises… almost as if she sensed that she needed to convince me that this man was a good person.

"Aro is so thrilled you are home," the girl gushed as she danced around the library in lithe steps. "He speaks of you all the time and I feel like I have known you forever."

She seemed genuinely happy and that was a bad thing. I was certain I'd seen fright and hurt in her eyes earlier but maybe I had projected my own feelings onto her. This girl wasn't afraid of Aro. She seemed to… _love_ him.

I flashed Bree a polite smile before giving Demetri a "what the fuck" look behind the girl's back. I mean, the way I had understood it was that Bree was a victim, like me. Someone who, like me, was terrified of Aro. But she didn't seem to be fazed by him.

Like I said, she seemed to fucking love the guy.

"What's your favorite book?" she asked as she darted around. Demetri kept his eyes trained on her but didn't interact and she seemed to pretend he wasn't even here.

I watched as she touched the spines of a few books dreamily and realized that this was her domain. She liked to be in here.

"I uh… am not sure," I admitted. "I guess I like… books with recipes," I answered hesitantly.

Bree stopped her movements and turned to look at me. "You like cook books?" she asked. "Really?"

I felt self conscious as she looked me over for a moment but then she shrugged and moved to a shelf and pulled out a book.

"This is my favorite," she announced before she shoved the book, which was fucking heavy, into my hands.

I wanted to snort when I read the cover but kept my face neutral as I moved the book in my hands and pretended to study it.

The Bible.

Was she freaking kidding me? Probably not.

"The Bible." I nodded. "Well, it's a great… book," I said dumbly, not sure what else I could tell her.

"Great book." Bree giggled. "Yes. Yes it is. A great book." She smiled before she reached out and grabbed it from my grip and placed it back into its rightful place on the shelf. "Aro likes things tidy," she explained before she moved into the middle of the room and sat down in one of the chairs.

I decided to do the same and sat down in the chair next to her.

"Why did you leave?" Bree asked as we were face to face. "Didn't you like it here?"

_No, Bree. I didn't fucking like it here one bit. And neither should you, I wanted to tell her. _But I knew I couldn't be so blunt and had to take a more subtle and careful approach. If this girl truly cared for Aro, she could get defensive if I tried to change her mind too abruptly.

Of course, that's exactly what happened. Bree got defensive.

"Look, Bree," I started gently, "I know that you must… care about Aro." I struggled to get that sentence out of my mouth. "But he's not the man he says he is… what he does… to you… it's not right."

Bree frowned. "What do you mean by 'what he does'?" she wondered. "He's always been kind to me," she added coolly.

"Kind to you?" I asked. "Can you define that for me?"

Bree shrugged as she picked at her denim skirt. "He bought me a pony; Sunshine. She's beautiful. White as snow." She smiled. "Didn't he buy you a pony as well? He said he did."

I nodded. "Yes. A long time ago."

"Well, that makes him nice, right," Bree pointed out. "I mean, it's not just the pony, or all the other things he gives me. He is also always very nice to me. When my parents died he took me in, because he said that's what my parents would have wanted," the girl spoke sadly.

"I am sorry they died," I offered. "You must miss them."

But Bree lifted her head and the sadness was replaced with a broad smile. "It's okay. Aro is my family now. And you can be part of that again, if you want to."

A nice person would have comforted the girl and told her that "sure, she'd want to be her family". But I wasn't nice and I wasn't looking for a sister. I wanted this girl to realize that the life Aro offered her was based on lies. Built on fear. Stripped from true freedom.

"Isabella? You are happy to be back, right?"

I glanced at Demetri who was listening intently but made no move to interrupt or weigh in.

"I… can't say I am," I told her. "I left for a reason and I never planned to come back."

Bree's lips formed in an 'O', displaying her surprise at my words. "You didn't want to come back?"

I shook my head.

"Then why did you?"

I looked at Demetri as I explained it. "Demetri found me, I was living in Seattle. He convinced me to come back, so I could confront Aro."

"Confront him?" Bree wondered. "About what?"

"About the abuse," I said harshly, my voice shaking a little as I spoke the word. "I wanted him to know that what he'd done all these years was wrong. That someone who cares about you, doesn't come into your room and rapes you! That confession is a place you talk to God and not a place where you are forced to do unsavory things to someone who is supposed to protect you!" I ranted, which earned me warning from Demetri.

"Careful there, little one. You're scaring her," he spoke quietly but sternly.

"I am confused," Bree admitted as she blinked and didn't know where to look. "You confuse me."

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. Demetri had a point, I could not afford to scare this girl. I had to be sensible about this and make her understand in a less aggressive way.

"He comes into your room," I said softly, "And he touches you in places where no man should touch you without permission. Especially not someone who pretends to be your father," I pointed out.

Bree looked at me and then dropped her eyes, fidgeting with her hands in her lap. I thought I was getting through to her, that she would finally admit that I was right, but when she looked up at me again, there was no fear, no recognition, nothing to indicate she knew exactly what I was talking about.

"I… don't get it," she finally said. "Aro has always been nice. He never comes into my room to do… bad things."

I turned to Demetri, looking for help. He had been here all this time, he was the one who had informed Charlie that Bree was being abused by Aro. Why was this girl not responding to anything I said?

* * *

**EPOV**

"This isn't going as planned," I muttered, as I listened to the young girl's response to what Bella had just said. "Bree doesn't seem to have a clue as to what Bella is talking about."

I'd listened to Bella's words, to how her voice had raised when she'd tried to get through to the girl. It was excruciating. The only upside was that Bella seemed more animated as she spoke. It was a small relief to know there was still a spark inside her that flared up when needed.

I yawned and rubbed my face. My night had been brutal and I would've completely lost it had it not been for those three simple words that had traveled through the airwaves the night before.

Bella's soft voice like a whisper in my ear.

_I love you. _

It had almost seemed as if she'd been right beside me in the comfort of our own bed, tucked into the safety of my arms. It had been comforting to know she was thinking of me but it also intensified the hurt and the longing to have her back.

After hearing her words, I'd been too riled up to sleep. I wanted time to move faster so we could move on, but the night had been long and the passenger seat in the van uncomfortable. Charlie had offered to drive me back to the hotel but I'd refused. If he stayed, then so would I.

I wasn't going to abandon Bella.

Of course, the lack of sleep didn't do me much good now. I yawned again and reached for the plastic cup of coffee. The black goo made from instant powder tasted horrible but at least there was caffeine in it. Plus, it kept my hands busy.

I listened as Bree announced that Bella's words confused her and looked at Charlie for some kind of reaction.

"Well?" I asked. "You said this girl needed Bella's help because Aro abused her but so far she doesn't seem to confirm that suspicion."

"Maybe she is protecting him," Charlie pointed. "It's not uncommon for victims to protect the person who's responsible for their suffering. Especially not if they feel like they have competition."

"Competition?" I frowned.

"It's possible that Bree is in denial about what Aro does to her because she sees Bella as her competition," Charlie explained.

I was still confused. "I'm sorry, I am not completely following. You think she is jealous of the fact Bella was abused by Aro and is pretending to be confused because of that?"

"No. I think that she doesn't like the idea of not being Aro's favorite."

"Favorite plaything to do despicable things to?" I muttered sarcastically.

"It might not make sense to us, but in a way Bree's life was turned upside down with Bella's arrival. She was Aro's favorite and now she has to make room for Bella. She may be a teenage girl with little life experience but I am certain she senses that Aro has a uh… special bond with Bella."

"And that would make her pretend like she doesn't have a clue about what Bella is talking about?"

To me it sounded farfetched. I understood what Charlie was saying, that there was some kind of warped sibling rivalry going on with Bree, but the girl sounded genuinely confused about all this.

Which made me wonder…

"What if she's not one of his victims? What if he never abused her? You heard what she said, he never comes into her room to do bad things. Would she really lie about that because she is jealous of Bella?" I asked incredulously. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe not. Maybe Aro groomed her well. Maybe she is too traumatized to see the truth. Demetri said that he's seen Aro go into her room and well, given Aro's past experience with going into girl's rooms, I doubt he goes in there with the purpose to read Bree a bedtime story," Charlie muttered, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"But what if he does just that," I pointed out. "What if he simply goes in there to tell her goodnight and the most incriminating thing he does is kiss her on the cheek or whatever?"

"I really doubt that, Edward," Charlie muttered. "A man like Aro doesn't just 'kiss on the cheek' if you know what I mean." He grimaced.

I mirrored his expression and sighed. Aro was an abusive man and had a taste for teenage girls. Bella was proof of that. And what he did to her made him a very poor excuse of a human being. He deserved to be locked up.

But what if Bella was his only victim? What if he treated Bree differently? Could Demetri have been mistaken in his assumption that Aro would go into the young girl's room to molest her?

If so, that would be a huge setback. In fact, that would be a catastrophe because it would make the entire plan pointless. Without an incriminating testimony from Bree, it would be Bella's word against Aro's and I had no doubt he'd be able to refute anything she'd accuse him of. Plus, he would probably make sure Bree would testify on his behalf, telling a judge without hesitation what a wonderful man he was.

"We need Bree," I said. "Without her it's just Bella's word against Aro's… and if he truly did nothing to Bree, he will use her to prove Bella is lying. That wouldn't only keep him out of prison, but also destroy Bella," I pointed out angrily.

"This is going to fail…" I muttered to myself.

"Okay, Negative Nelly," Charlie spat. "Just freaking relax, okay? Bree is a young girl and Bella came on way too strong. She has to be more subtle. Be more patient with this girl. On the bright side, Bella managed to plant a seed. Even if the girl is confused now, it might trigger something that can help us later. Now, can we go back to listening?"

"Bella is a human being, not a science project." I huffed. "I understand you don't give a hoot, but I sure do. If this fails then she is putting herself at risk for nothing."

"You need to be more patient too Edward," Charlie pointed out before he went back to listening.

Patience. How could I be patient when Bella was stuck in there, putting herself at risk for a girl that might not need saving. Sacrificing herself in a plan that was doomed to fail?

Maybe it was time for me to step in.

But how?

* * *

**BPOV**

"Bree," I tried, my voice soft and coaxing, "I know we don't know each other well but if you have a secret… a big secret you're not supposed to tell, I just want you to know you can tell me."

Another frown etched her face and there was no recognition, not a glimmer of connection to my words.

What if we were wrong? What if Aro was not abusing this girl? Was that possible? Or had he just groomed her that well?

"I don't have any secrets," Bree said, her face scrunched up.

"So Aro never hurts you?" I asked, trying to keep the edge out of my voice as I tried to ignore the flood of memories that washed over me as I spoke the words.

Aro pushing me down on the mattress, his weight nearly suffocating me. His leg in between mine to keep them apart. His ragged breathing…

His cock pushing its way through my most personal barriers.

I took a deep breath and pushed that all aside. I couldn't lose focus right now.

"Aro loves me," Bree said firmly. "He would never hurt me."

She sounded so convinced, as if the idea that he would ever harm her was ludicrous.

The look on her face went from distaste to confused and then to determined.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I told you, Aro hurt me. I am worried that he hurts you too and that maybe you don't realize it."

Bree stuck her chin out defiantly and shook her head. "Like I said, he loves me. He never hurts me. I am not stupid. I'd know if something was wrong."

Maybe it's you," she added fiercely. "Maybe you got hurt because you deserved it!"

I sat there, stunned. We'd gone from "almost sisters" to her plunging a knife into my heart. I knew the girl was young, no more than fourteen or so and probably slightly defiant at that age. Even I had been a little rebellious back then, although I usually behaved well whenever Aro was near. Teenagers were still teenagers and going through puberty and all that.

Besides, I was a virtual stranger to her. Of course she wasn't going to believe my words that easily. But telling me that maybe I had deserved it, even if she had spoken the words out of teenage defiance and typical puberty rebellion? That hurt.

A lot. Because it made me doubt myself, even if just for a moment.

Was she right? Was it me? Had I done something to deserve this?

No. I didn't. I knew what it had felt like when he had touched me, when he had forced me on my knees to take his cock into my mouth and made me gag as he pushed it in as far as it could go.

I gulped.

I was a victim, even if there was a chance this girl was in fact not.

Of course, it did raise a whole new set of questions. Why was I different? I'd been the same age as Bree and that hadn't stopped Aro. And she looked like me. Why would he take a girl into his home, a girl that was around the same age as I had been when he'd first started molesting me, a girl that even sort of looked like me… why would he do that if he didn't want to fulfill certain… needs?

And why did this girl look at me like I was nuts when I suggested that Aro had done bad things to her?

I felt discouraged, wondering if the entire plan was pointless now. If we couldn't get her on our side then Aro would win. It would be my word against his and he would spin them to make it seem like I was insane, I was sure of that.

"Perhaps I am mistaken." I sighed, defeated. "I didn't mean to imply..."

"Imply what?" A cold voice sounded behind me, causing chills to run down my spine. I hadn't heard him come in. How much had he heard?

"Isabella?" Aro prompted, as he looked between me and Bree. Demetri had made himself scarce again it seemed, because suddenly he was nowhere to be found.

"I uh…"

I expected Bree to cover for me, perhaps out of embarrassment but at the very least to keep the peace, but she stuck her chin out defiantly once again and looked me in the eye when she said, "Isabella was asking me strange questions about you. She meant to imply that you hurt me."

For someone so young she was definitely very articulate. And she didn't seem to be afraid of him either which was odd because I was simply terrified.

Was it really just me?

"So, Isabella had been tattling about me," Aro murmured, pretending to be pensive for a moment but it wasn't hard to tell that he was only putting on a show for Bree's sake.

She however seemed to buy it and nodded eagerly.

"I don't understand why she says these mean things about you." She pouted, which made me want to scream. Maybe this girl was as fucking insane as Aro.

"Isabella has been away from home for a while," Aro said soothingly. "She is simply confused. Bree, why don't you go and do some homework, I am sure you have some assignments waiting."

The girl looked at me and shrugged before nodding and turning to leave.

My heart started beating rapidly when Aro followed Bree to the entrance of the library and closed the door that Bree had just walked through with a deliberate thud.

He then turned around slowly, as if to prolong the moment and make it worse for me, which naturally he did.

Once we were face to face and he stalked closer like a wild animal hunting its prey, I noticed that his eyes were even darker than I had seen them before.

"So, you were chatting with Bree," he said, his voice controlled. "I can't say I appreciate you filling her head with delusions, Isabella."

I took a deep breath and thought of what to say. But what was there to say?

"I… was just making conversation," I started lamely.

Aro came even closer until he was right in front of me. "Is that so?"

"Yes." I nodded. "We were just chatting."

"That's not what it seemed like to me. And goes against what Bree just said," he admonished me.

"I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable," I apologized, which was ridiculous, because I had nothing to apologize for. I wanted to be the strong Bella and stand up to him, but somehow I simply couldn't.

If this had been a random dude on the street I would've kicked him in the balls without a doubt, But Aro had a hold over me and he knew that. He relished in it.

"I can't have you fill her head with lies," he spat before suddenly reaching out and grabbing my chin firmly. "I know you think that your time away justifies certain behavior, Isabella, but let me tell you right now I will not tolerate it. You may have been able to convince others with your lies but you need to leave Bree alone."

He kept a hold of my face and forced me to keep looking at him, to look into the dark abyss of his soulless eyes. I wanted to look away, but it was impossible because he kept a firm hold on my face.

"I know what you're doing." He hissed. "If you think I am stupid and blind then you're definitely underestimating me, Isabella, and we both know just how familiar you and I are... I own you. I know every little thought inside your head, every reaction of your body. Certainly you remember how I feel about you defying me?"

I gulped.

"Let's stop playing games," he commanded as he let go of my face. "I know this meek act is just that, an act. The Isabella underneath is a pit-bull, a street fighter... a common street whore."

I must've stopped breathing.

"I have to say, it's quite tragic to know you left all this," he said, his arms spread broadly to emphasize the space around us, "to live a life on the streets and selling your body in piss filled allies, much like your mother used to do."

He knew. All these years. He knew.

"Tell me, was it worth it? To run from me like that after I gave you everything?"

I stayed quiet, trying to process how much he knew and what he was going to do with the information.

"Answer me!" he shouted as he grabbed my arm. "Was. It. Worth. It?"

I tried to pull away from his strong grip as I nodded.

"Yes? It was? You'd rather be a whore?"

He laughed, a maniacal creepy sound. "Silly Isabella."

He calmed down then and started walking through the room as I sat there, completely in shock.

He'd known all along. Where I was, what I did.

"Now, I believe you were so keen on making conversation before. So… let's chat."

I stayed quiet and counted to ten in my head, over and over to distract myself from his anger, his joy at making me crumble. I tried not to think of the implications of what he knew. The plan was moot now, but maybe there was still something salvageable about it.

Maybe...

"So… tell me, Isabella… please share a day in the life of a whore." Aro paused until he chuckled and slapped his forehead in what was meant to be a comical gesture.

"Silly me, you're no longer in the business, are you? My mistake. Hmm, what could we talk about then?" He pretended to ponder until his eyes locked with mine and he grinned deviously.

"Ah yes, I know. Why don't you tell me about your boyfriend... I believe Edward is his name?

"Is he enjoying Chicago so far?"

_Fuck._

* * *

***Peeks in...* I know, I know...updates take long. I wish it was faster but working as a reporter during an economical/financial crisis leaves me with little spare time. Not an excuse but something I can't change. All I can promise is to keep trying :)**

**If you're still here, thank you. If you're new, welcome :) As always: every shout out & review means the world to me!**


	57. Bang, Bang

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 55: BANG, BANG**

_"Ah yes, I know. Why don't you tell me about your boyfriend...? I believe Edward is his name?"_

_Edward is his name…_

My name.

He knew my name.

I sat there, staring at nothing in particular, feeling like this monster had just reached out through the equipment in front of me to grab me and shake me.

Aro knew of my existence. He knew everything.

And so the plan, the stupid amateur plan that had never sat right with me, that ridiculous plan, came crashing down, which was easy considering the shoddy foundation of faults it had been built on in the first place.

Completely in shock, I listened to the cracking audio. We'd been utterly foolish and naive to believe that we'd stand a chance to outsmart this monster. Someone who was a master in manipulating people to get what he wanted. As someone who played the game so well himself, there was no doubt he knew instantly when he was being played himself.

And because of that, because Charlie and Demetri had been so determined to catch Aro, a reckless mission to begin with, Bella was trapped inside with that man.

I sighed and rubbed my face, tempted to claw at my skin out of sheer frustration. I had no doubt that things would only get worse from here on out.

I tried to breathe and keep it together but the silence that filtered into the space of the van – the type of silence that was so deafening it consumed everything - made it hard for me to concentrate on anything besides the sound of static coming from the equipment.

The sound of impending doom.

I looked over to Charlie who looked deep in concentration; eyes narrowed and brow creased. He stared at the audio equipment as if in trance.

"Edward." My name sounded again; cold and menacing. It caused me to lean back in the passenger seat and shy away from the underlying threat that was laced in Aro's voice.

"He seems to be quite intelligent. And a devout Catholic too. Well, he was until you came along," he muttered. "I guess you must have converted him. Wicked Isabella. Always driving men crazy. Some things never change, do they?" he mused.

"Is that how it went with Demetri all those years ago? Did you manage to put him under your spell as well? Tell him how I mistreated you, so he would let you go? Is that what this game is about?

"Let me tell you, Isabella, if you were hoping to trick me, someone who knows you through and through, someone who has given you a good life and everything your heart could desire.."

I frowned at his words and tuned out for a moment. It was evident that this man held on to some preposterous beliefs, thinking he had done Bella a favor by taking her in, like that excused all the horrible things he had done to her.

I looked at Charlie again, hoping for some guidance but he still paid me no attention.

"…Well, you are going to be very sorry you tried. You may have been able to escape me once, but this time, there will be no escaping."

The last thing I heard was a piercing scream.

"We need to go," Charlie said abruptly; the first time he spoke since we'd learned that Aro knew everything. I could hear the urgency in his voice, but I was still numb, shell shocked even and didn't know how to jump into action. My muscles were frozen, my brain on pause and all I heard was that scream; that gut wrenching, piercing scream that came from Bella. It echoed over and over and punctured my eardrums.

"Edward!" Charlie shook me, the motion sudden and startling, but providing exactly what I needed; namely to be snapped out of my momentary state of catatonia. "There is no time to waste. If he knows about the plan there's a good chance he knows or at least suspects we're close by."

I stared at him, giving my brain a moment to process what he was suggesting.

Charlie wanted to leave. Without Bella.

"NO!" I shouted, "We can't leave Bella there with him. He'll… punish her," I choked out. "You know what he'll probably do."

"There's no choice," Charlie said firmly. "If he finds us, we're all going to be in trouble. And then no one can help Bella."

"Can't you call someone?" I pleaded, my voice still raised a few octaves. "Your superiors? Agents? Anyone who can go inside that house to get Bella out?"

Charlie sighed, clearly exasperated. "Look, the plan failed, so we abort. Jump ship, whatever."

"But it's not that simple!" I wanted to shake this man, shake him out of his apathy. My hands itched to do so, but I kept them pressed to my sides.

"There are no superiors. No agents who are going to be willing to save the day."

"But surely if you call backup, any kind of support, they are forced to come. Serve and protect and all that." I tried, knowing it was probably futile.

"They may look the other way when it comes to this plan, but they sure as hell aren't going to get burned because of this," Charlie murmured, introspective. "They called me obsessed with this… catching Aro, and I suppose they were right. It went way too far."

"That's great and all." I hissed, "Great that you _now_ realize you have been an idiot, but that doesn't change the fact that BELLA IS IN THERE!"

"Keep your voice down," Charlie warned.

"Or what? You think you can do anything to me that's worse than knowing Bella is in there suffering and you want to do NOTHING about that?" I spat. "Does Demetri know you're about to abandon him too? Is he aware that this is your contingency plan?"

Charlie shook his head, as he reached to start the engine.

My hand snatched his and pushed it away.

"Don't!" I warned.

My voice must have contained enough venom for him to back down for the moment.

"Look, Edward, I don't expect you to understand. This man ruined me. My life, my career. I spent most of my working days trying to catch this man and he was always a step ahead, no matter what I tried. I wanted it to be over. It seems I have failed though."

"Well, sorry if I don't care about you. You made your choices. You decided to focus all your energy on this guy when you should have protected your daughter! And now Bella will be the victim of your stupidity!"

He looked at me for a moment, until he determinedly reached for the keys again and turned them. The engine roared to life and it was a terrible sound. It reminded me of a monster's growl, scary and intimidating.

"Stop the van!" I said, deliberating whether or not I should simply jump out of it if he didn't acknowledge my request.

"What are you going to do?" Charlie said, as if he could read my mind. "Jump out and get hurt? What good will that do?"

"Everything is better than to leave Bella there," I said. "Now stop the van!"

* * *

**BPOV**

Edward. He knew about Edward.

My heart, my soul. My everything. He knew. Which meant he now had the power to destroy me. Simply by destroying Edward.

My mind was stuck between begging him to leave Edward alone and wanting to scratch his eyes out and kick him in the mouth for the fact he dared to speak his name.

"Let me tell you, Isabella, if you were hoping to trick me, someone who knows you through and through, someone who has given you a good life and everything your heart could desire…" He sighed, shaking his head, "I kept you out of jail when you pushed that stupid cow, Jessica Stanley, down a flight of stairs..."

"You," I whispered. I knew it. All these years he'd been aware of everything I'd done, every step I'd taken. My entire shitty life, he'd kept track of. I bet he'd enjoyed seeing me so fucked too.

"You killed her?"

Aro chuckled. "She is in Florida somewhere, probably whoring herself out in Miami or Orlando. You'd be surprised what people do for money," He paused and then he chuckled. "Well, you would know. Anyway, all I did was make sure she wouldn't show up to tell a judge that you pushed her down the stairs. Who knew you could be so violent." Another chuckle and I wanted to punch him.

"Bottom line is... I protected you, even after you ran out on me. Your ungratefulness is very disappointing. And tricking me... well, you are going to be very sorry you tried. You may have been able to escape me once, but this time, there will be no escaping."

That did it. The menacing glare, the hate in his voice; suddenly a dam broke and I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I screamed.

And as I managed to produce as much noise as possible, Aro reacted quickly by grabbing me and putting his hand over my mouth.

This of course only made things worse and I tried to bite his fingers, suddenly desperate to fight him and harm him as best as I fucking could.

My hands found his chest and pounded against the spot where no heart could possibly be beating. But my attempts to fight him were short lived because Aro was strong and tackled me easily, bringing me to my knees at his feet with no effort.

His hand never left my mouth as he kneeled down with me, making sure our faces were at the same level. Aro grabbed me tighter and forced me to look at him. "I won't remove my hand until you stop throwing a tantrum like a little girl."

I frowned at him and tried to struggle but he wouldn't have it. "Will you be quiet, Isabella? Or are you going to make the kind of fuss that forces me to send Alec after your boyfriend right now. The Continental is it, where you are staying?"

Of course, his threat was enough to silence me and transform me back into a meek and weak fucking lamb. I tried to breathe to calm myself and tame the rage inside me.

"Well, will you behave?" Aro said, as his one arm locked around me while the other still pressed firmly on my mouth, cutting any kind of sound I might produce. "If I release you, will you stop making a spectacle?"

I nodded, knowing that making things worse right now would directly affect Edward because Aro's threats were never fucking idle.

Besides, I had to think strategically and stay calm. It was the only way to keep Edward safe.

Aro finally released me, his hands slipping to his sides. He still hovered though, keeping a close eye on me.

"Good girl." He hissed. "Or should I say… very bad girl?"

A wicked and triumphant glint burned in his eyes. "Oh, Isabella… you know what this means, don't you?"

My shoulders slumped.

I knew.

"I have to punish you."

His words were like a déjà vu; familiar and full of promises of wicked things.

Flashbacks assaulted my mind; the numerous times he had violated and raped me. It made me want to gag.

But it did something else. It made me want to fight. Even if it was unlikely I'd come out unharmed or as the ultimate winner, I still had to fucking fight.

If not for me, then at the very least for Edward. Enough was enough.

So I scrambled to my feet as Aro now had his back turned to me, probably thinking of the endless ways to torture me.

I backed away and calculated how easy it would be to get past him and reach the entrance. There wasn't much room, but it wasn't entirely impossible either.

Of course, the real challenge would present itself when I'd actually make it out of the library.

Who would help me then?

I took a deep breath and decided to cross that bridge when I'd get to it. Or jump off it if they'd force me to.

I started running to the entrance, expecting Aro to stop me, but he didn't. Instead I heard a clicking sound and his throat scraping. It forced me to halt and turn around.

"Try it, Isabella," Aro challenged me. "Run out of here like you did before. Last time you were lucky. This time, I predict you'll get shot before you can reach the hallway. If not by me, then well… by whoever is behind that door? I wonder if Demetri's loyalty for me goes so far that he might actually shoot you just to keep up the facade," Aro mused as he pointed the barrel of his gun at my heart.

"I was disappointed when he decided to let you escape six years ago. And I knew he was selling me bullshit every time he told me that you were in a different place. But he was also my only link to you. What he kept track of,_ I_ could keep track of. I just had to wait until he decided to bring you back. And I must say, he didn't disappoint. See, he thinks he's playing me and I am letting him think that because I am curious to see how far he'll take it. Will he protect you, will he kill you? Who knows where he stands now," Aro murmured. "I am sure he is very concerned about his ill mother in Russia. I bet he'd hate it if I stopped paying for her medical bills."

Of course. There was always something for Aro to hold over your head. For Demetri, it was his sick mother. Assuming that was actually true and not a fresh attempt of Aro to manipulate the people around him.

It didn't make me more sympathic about Demetri though. Aro had one fair point; no one knew where Demetri stood and what his current motives were.

"Oh well, he's not stupid," Aro continued. "He knows to watch his back. I am certain he also knows I'll kill him the moment he's no longer of use to me. And let me tell you, that moment is approaching quite fast."

While his rambling confused me, having the gun pointed at me was a distraction.

I didn't know how good of a shot he was from a reasonable distance but like I'd said before… his threats were never fucking idle.

"Go ahead," he encouraged me with a smile, a dark taunting smile. "Try it. Amuse me and try it."

Sick fucking bastard. This was what it was all about with him. The Great Game of Manipulation. Playing people, turning them against one another while he stood and watched the chaos with a twisted smile. Aro always got what he wanted, he'd make sure of that.

"You wouldn't shoot me," I challenged him as I moved to the side, closer to a row of bookcases.

Aro chuckled as he walked toward me, the gun never wavering. "Perhaps not. Perhaps I'd fuck you first and then shoot you. Surely all those years on the streets have taught you a few new tricks. Perhaps we should explore those first before I kill you." The obvious glee in his voice was sickening.

I trapped myself against a bookcase, the straight spines of thick volumes pressing into my back.

He wanted new tricks? Maybe I should give them to him. So I tried to remember the rules of living on the streets. Of how to defend myself against perverts.

Of course, those perverts had usually been drunks who'd settle down with a kick in the groin. Not crazy, maniac monsters with guns who relished in hurting you.

"What do we do with you now?" Aro mused. "I have to say it's very disappointing that you lied, Isabella," he muttered. "Pretending that you were coming home, when really, it was all a game. I suppose it's frustrating to know that you thought I was stupid enough to believe this act. You must believe I am quite gullible," he said. "I wish I could admire your moxie but frankly it's rather pitiful to see."

Aro inched closer until he halted right in front of me. He pressed the barrel of the gun against my throat and effectively trapping me against the bookcase.

I could feel the cold steel against my skin; the threat of a bullet ripping it open and killing me, but I wasn't scared. Compared to what Aro could do to me, death would be merciful.

"And then there's Edward... the boyfriend, the one who seemingly doesn't mind your former profession. Why did you have to bring him into this?" he continued, wondering. "Really, I probably would've left him alone, if you had chosen to keep him out of this. Now I am forced to deal with him too. It's such a shame."

His pretend-remorse made me angry. He enjoyed this; messing with me, playing up my ultimate weakness. _Edward._

"NO!" I shouted. "EDWARD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT!"

"Don't you raise your voice at me, young lady," Aro said, the gun pointing at my head now. "You know how I feel about that and so help me, Isabella, I will fucking kill you if you keep behaving this way. Show some respect."

I wanted to snort at the absurdity of his words. Respect was one thing he knew nothing about. He sure as hell never respected me.

But I was in a lose-lose situation. If I shouted he would hurt Edward and hurt me in the process, regardless of whether he would fucking shoot me too. If I did nothing, he would probably still go after Edward.

So I chose the pathetic route; a 'have to try it even if it's useless' attempt of trying to reason with him, hoping to reach some sort of humanity in him.

Ridiculous, yes. Still, I begged.

"Please don't, Aro…" I started, hoping that he would get pleasure from me demeaning myself like that and that it would lead to him leaving Edward alone. "It's my fault. I am the one who tricked you… I am the one who ran… I swear Edward has nothing to do with this!" I pleaded.

He frowned, contemplating my words. I could see the wheels turning in his head, processing my plea, possibly enjoying the fact he had such power over me.

"Well, I see then. He's your Achilles Heel. Your weakness. You would sacrifice yourself for this boy. How very romantic." He reached out and touched my cheek, his fingers making rough patterns on my skin. "And so terribly foolish, Isabella," he commented. "Pointless because there is no way I'll let you walk out of here. And there is no way to save your precious Edward either. So please stop begging...

...Or I will give you something to beg about."

My heart sank and I felt like getting sick.

I knew how this would end, what he would do, and no matter how hard I would try to fight back, Aro was going to destroy everything.

I felt foolish and fucking stupid for thinking this plan would work. For thinking people like Aro and Demetri could be trusted. Reality was cruel and like a bucket of ice water.

I sunk back against the bookcase and closed my eyes, foolishly hoping this was just a very bad dream.

But I never woke up.

* * *

**EPOV**

I was standing outside the gate of a monstrous house; a house that looked even more like the White House, well a sinister version of it, than it had resembled from afar. My hands were shaking and my head was full; full of thoughts and images, full of plans to try and free Bella, to be the hero and save her from the monster.

Of course, reality was cruel and sobering. Reality was me standing on the outside, praying for a miracle and hoping that I would be able to get Bella out. I was tired and anxious at the same time and while it felt like my senses heightened to the extreme, I wondered how long I was going to keep up before everything came crashing down.

Then again, maybe it already had.

I knew it was stupid to stand here alone – without backup - because Charlie was too much of a coward to save his daughter, and without a plan because no matter what I tried to come up with, it all seemed silly and useless.

Still, I had to try. I had to get inside that well secured house.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

I prayed.

"Dear Lord, my Savior. I don't know how to start this. I have never asked you for anything but your forgiveness. And maybe I don't deserve to call upon you now because I have been… absent lately and because it's selfish to call upon you for purely selfish motives but please… please protect my Bella," I nearly begged. "Please bring her back to me. I know that I have been lacking lately, that I haven't shown you my devotion as much as I used to, but I want you to know how thankful I am that you've brought Bella to me. For that reason alone, I know you are good and kind. Bella is my life and I love her so much," I whispered. It was strange to stand here and speak to Him like this. Praying had never been difficult for me and right now, I was struggling with the feeling that it was almost blasphemous to ask for something selfish and at the same time, there was no other way; I needed a miracle.

"All I ask... please keep her safe... please help me get her out of there... I just want to hold her... to make her feel safe again. Give me strength to accomplish that. Please. Amen."

I took a deep breath and looked back at the house. The front entrance, which I could see perfectly from where I stood, looked abandoned. I'd expected bulky looking men to guard it but the porch was deserted.

I looked at the high gate, which proved to be trickier. I wasn't very athletic so there was no way I could successfully climb it without getting hurt.

I contemplated the idea of trying to ring the little bell near the gate, the one that would probably invite bulky looking security guards to come and take a look.

Did I have another choice?

I was alone and I needed to get inside that house.

My finger found the black button and I pressed it.

The sound of crackling startled me and I jumped back.

"Who's there?" a cool male voice asked over the speaker.

"I am here… uh… with a delivery…" I tried, hoping I'd sound convincing.

"I don't see a package," the voice challenged.

Of course, there was a camera too. And surely, as I looked up, there it was… a tiny square black thing pointed at me.

"It's more the delivery of a message," I said unevenly, trying to be smart.

"Look kid, I don't have time for any bullshit, so you better leave," the voice said, obviously irritated.

I sighed and tried for one more attempt.

A foolish attempt.

The truth.

"My name is Edward Cullen. My girlfriend, Isabella Swan, is inside your house. I am sure you know who I am, so I'm asking you to open the gate. Whether I wait here for you to send out some strong looking men to harm me or you let me in and bring me to Aro Volturi… either way we know that the endgame is that someone will get…"

The gate opened.

"…hurt."

* * *

**BPOV**

I sat against the wall under the window, while Aro sat in one of the chairs. He was eyeing my every move, watching my chest rise and fall as I struggled to keep breathing.

Fucking pervert.

This mind game, whatever it was, was his finest to date. I knew he was going to hurt me and more importantly, I knew he was going to hurt Edward but just as I had expected he was going to drag it out. He was going to wait and wait until I was mentally weak and physically exhausted. That's when he would make his move and lunge at me.

Of course, that would only be phase one.

Once I was at his mercy completely – and really I wasn't far from that point - that's when he would strike… dangle me like a cat would do to a mouse, cover my body in endless wounds but stop just before I would succumb, only to start over again.

He would drag this out as long as he could. And he would enjoy it so fucking much.

"I can't believe you would think that Bree and I are intimate," Aro suddenly said, shaking his head. Surprisingly, he wasn't smiling now.

I looked up at him curiously. His words were chosen carefully.

"What do you mean?" I said, my voice quiet. "I just asked her if you hurt her, which I am sure you did."

Aro barked out a short cool laugh. "Ah yes, it's all based on your delusion that I have hurt you. I don't know why you wanted to pollute Bree's mind with such absurdities. She's a sweet girl. I would never harm her."

I wanted to protest but strangely enough, he sounded sincere. I knew Aro well enough to know he wasn't lying about this. There was something blasé and dismissive about the way he talked about Bree. Whatever she meant to him, it had nothing to do with a disturbing abusive relationship.

Unless, of course he was lying but I wanted to believe that I could read him well enough to recognize the few times he wasn't trying to play mind games.

"I don't understand," I whispered. I had been so sure. Okay, Demetri and Charlie had been. They were certain Aro was abusing Bree but now it really seemed like he hadn't.

Had Demetri lied about what he saw?

"What was that? You don't understand? Well, how could you?" Aro said as he rose and walked toward me.

I instinctively leaned back but there was nowhere for me to go. I was trapped.

Aro crouched down in front of me and reached out to touch my hair. I pushed his hand away and he relented, sitting down next to me.

"Bree is not you, Isabella. She is just a poor girl whose parents were unable to take care of her. Her father worked for me and I took her in as a favor. I don't care for her any more than I do for say… Renée…

"…but you… you were retaliation. Punishment. Charlie Swan killed my son. My only son. Marcus was innocent. A boy who got caught in crossfire. When Renée called me right after you were born and begged me to take her back, I refused at first. Ugh, she has always been so needy, so desperate; it was highly annoying and the thought of having her around me again… that's the one good thing Swan ever did, take her away," he said, grimacing as he spoke of Renée.

"But then, when she wouldn't stop calling I decided to use that to my advantage. I waited… waited for you to grow up and then one day… you were almost thirteen… I decided it was time."

It was strange to hear the story from him. Aro had always pretended; pretended that he was my father, that my life hadn't started until Renée and I had moved in with him, but to hear him talk about my life before that… even if it was just minor details… that meant something. For a moment, he acknowledged the truth. Well a part of it.

"You waited until I was old enough to violate," I muttered.

Aro shook his head. "I wanted Charlie Swan to know what it would feel like to have the one thing that you care about, the person that means the most to you… to have them being taken. He took Marcus' innocence, so I took yours."

"You raped me," I whispered.

Aro's hand shot out and grabbed my chin. "I loved you. And Charlie never gave a damn that you were here. You were supposed to be mine. And mine alone."

I yanked my head away. "I am not yours," I muttered. "I will never be yours."

Aro laughed, menacingly. "Right, you think you belong to your precious Edward. Foolish and naïve Isabella. You will soon see that there is only one who can claim you. That's me. I own you."

He grabbed my waist and pushed me down onto the thick carpet, holding my hands above my head. He hovered, his eyes filled with lust while I struggled to keep breathing.

He was going to do it; he was going to rape me, right here…

He leaned in and skimmed his nose against my cheek toward my ear.

"Make no mistake, Isaaaabella," he whispered as his lips pressed under my ear. "I can claim you any time I want…

"And right now…

_"I want."_

He pressed into me, his erection a sickening object against my stomach. I waited for him to pry my clothes away but it never happened.

Suddenly there was a loud stomp and then the door to the library opened.

* * *

**EPOV**

I tried to walk casually, like I wasn't a frightened little rabbit about to get trampled by a herd of elephants. I had asked for this, asked to be let inside this house and now every step brought me closer.

I was willingly walking into the lion's den.

The marble statues that were on each side of the patio mocked me; their stone faces a disapproving sight.

Maybe it was foolish, but I had to try. If God was good and I knew he was, then he would protect both Bella and I.

It wasn't a huge surprise that the front door was open when I reached it. I was invited after all. Well, sort of.

I reached out tentatively and pushed it open further, peering in to find the hallway empty.

I took a deep breath and walked in, looking around at the grand décor that reminded me of the large house where the hospital benefit had been held.

Bella had said back then she had recognized the taste as Aro's.

I wasn't certain of where to go, so I waited, expecting someone to come and fetch me. And surely, no less than a minute later, it was Demetri who walked in, a gun pointed at me. He wasn't alone though. Next to him stood another man; his shoulders broad and his face a mask of impassiveness.

"Edward," Demetri greeted me, the barrel aimed at my face. It was not the welcome I wanted. He turned to the guy next to him and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Alec, you go back to Renée, I've got it from here."

"You'll take him to Aro? Because I was supposed to..." the guy started but then shut his mouth.

Demetri flashed him a cool smile. "Believe me, I am going to take him to Aro, so he can decide what to do about this guy."

The guy named Alec gave me one more look, shrugged and then he disappeared, while Demetri advanced. He didn't lower the gun.

I thought how ironic it was, how he had once tried to teach me how to shoot one and now… he was going to use my inexperience against me.

Of course, none of what he had said or done before meant anything now.

"You played us," I said coolly, as Demetri grabbed my shoulder and pushed me into a different hall way.

"I think it's better that you keep quiet," Demetri said as he pressed the gun against my lower back.

"You know I won't fight you," I spoke evenly. "Just tell me why? Why did you pretend? You saved Bella before… why would you sell her out now?"

Demetri grabbed my arm to halt me in front of a large oak wooden door before he reached out and put me in a tight hold, the gun pointing at my neck, before he reached for the doorknob.

"Remember that," he said before he opened the door. "Remember that I saved her before."

* * *

**BPOV**

Aro jumped back as the door opened. I tried to get up but he pushed me back before he got up himself.

I blinked once, disoriented a little before I looked back at the door, which was slammed shut by…

Demetri.

And he wasn't alone.

There he stood... my hero, my angel.

Edward.

Slightly disheveled but in one piece. it was both scary and a relief to fucking see him and I wanted nothing more but to run into the safety of his arms but the fact that Demetri was pointing a gun at him, made it impossible to move.

"Look what we have here," Aro said, clearly amused. "An intruder."

* * *

**EPOV**

I stared the monster in the face, into eyes that seemed to have no pupils. They were just plain black. Soulless.

This man, if that's what he should be called, knew no compassion and while he may pretend to be a devout Catholic, I refused to believe God would see him as one of his followers.

Seeing him in person for the first time, I shivered involuntarily, but not because I was afraid of him. I was only afraid _for_ Bella. It was evident that he would have no qualms about hurting her. In fact, he would take great pleasure in it.

The thought of losing her, the possibility that Aro would take Bella, my heart and my soul... that was too much to bear. It was far worse than feeling the cool steel of Demetri's gun pressed against my carotid artery.

"This is wonderful," Aro mused, in his eyes a wicked glint. Oh yes, he clearly enjoyed this; the hunt and the torment.

He wasn't going to tell Demetri to shoot me, that would be too easy. He was going to drag this out. Punish us for trying to trick him. He clearly hated being defied.

I could feel my heart racing. It was pounding against my ribcage as I watched Aro's hand linger on Bella's skin as he held one hand on her shoulder, as if to keep her down. His thumb continued to brush against the small sliver of skin revealing her clavicle from under her sweater.

It made me want to gag. Bella was not his to touch. She may not be mine to touch either, at least not in the sense that I owned her, but seeing him acting like he commanded her every move was repulsive.

I looked back at Demetri, who in return pressed the gun against my throat with a little more pressure. I tried to hold on to his words, not sure what to make of them.

_Remember that I saved her before._

I could only hope that meant what I wanted it to mean. That he stood here and planned to fool Aro instead of us. That he had a plan to eliminate him.

But Demetri seemed so unaffected, so collected. Like he didn't have a care in the world. Like he wasn't an actual part of this. That made it hard to believe he was on our side.

I dropped my head for a moment and then looked up again, straight into the monster's eyes.

Aro looked me over and then waved his hand dismissively.

"Demetri," he said coolly. "Take the boy away. You know what you have to do. And if you don't, I am sure Alec or Felix will gladly set an example for you. They are close by," he warned.

I frowned. He didn't want me here. And then it hit me, like an AHA moment, a light bulb afterthought.

_Of course he doesn't want you here, Edward! _I chided myself. _He wants to be alone with your Isabella to do Lord knows what to her._

"As you wish," Demetri said in a monotone voice as he pulled me back toward the door.

"No wait!" I said, the words leaving my mouth before I even realized it.

"Look at that." Aro chuckled. "The boy speaks. Edward Cullen, child prodigy. You know, I can see how it's easy to admire you. You and your faith. You seemed to be such a good and wholesome boy before you met Isabella. You wanted to be a priest, yes?"

I didn't answer him and watched him as he paced around, talking with his hands, Bella momentarily forgotten. I could see how she slid along the wall underneath the windows, into a corner, where she clasped her arms around her knees and folded herself into a tiny fragile human ball.

"You must've believed this was your vocation, your calling. Everything you believed in. And then... Isabella came along. And you were naive enough to believe you could save her. It would be endearing if it wasn't so ironic that we find ourselves here right now... and not only will you not be able to save her, you have also lost your future."

I stared at him This man who wasn't actually a man, but a true monster. Not the one from bedtime storybooks but the kind that was so much worse and so much more vicious. I finally understood why Bella feared him so much.

But the thing was... Aro was wrong about one thing.

He said I couldn't save Bella, which wasn't true.

I _could_ save her. I _was going to_ save her.

I looked at Bella, my love, trapped with her back against the wall; chocolate eyes wide and fearful as they met mine.

It was all so clear. _This_ was my vocation. Saving her from this monster was my calling.

My mind presented flashbacks of me as a thirteen year old boy; a boy who had lost his best friend by something as silly and trivial as switching seats. It should've been me who had died that day, but for some reason I had been spared. I had always believed that it was His way of telling me that my future was to spread His word. But now I knew better. He had spared me so I could meet Bella. Meet her, love her and now save her.

I finally understood. Jf I were to do anything with my calling, if that was what this was... I would save her. I would free Bella from this monster for good.

While these months together had been the best of my life and I was sure she felt the same, in the grander scheme of things, it was obvious that overall Bella had had a rotten life. And she would never be able to leave all that behind if the monster kept haunting her.

So that would be my mission; I would save her.

I stared back at her, getting lost in the chocolate swirls of her eyes, the golden hues that were shining through the fear.

Her love for me.

My love for her would be what was going to save her, if it was the last thing I did.

* * *

**BPOV**

I knew that look. That look in those jade eyes I loved to get fucking lost in so much. There was determination. I could feel it from across the room. It was frightening and exhilarating at the same time. Edward had a plan.

Of course I had no idea what that plan could be, though I worried that it was probably some sweet but dangerous, possibly foolish, attempt to get us out of here.

How were we going to outsmart the master of mind games? And how did Demetri factor in? Where did he stand and what could he do to help us? Or were there two enemies in the room now?

It sure seemed like it with the way Demetri pointed that gun at Edward.

"Demetri." Aro sighed. "I am getting really bored now, so just take the boy away. Do with him what you must, I honestly don't care. Kill him. Let him go... either way, Isabella is not going anywhere."

Aro's dismissiveness was very much out of character. He never let things slide; he never let people walk away. So why would he now? What could possibly be the reason for that?

What was he up to?

I looked at Demetri but he kept his eyes downcast while he kept a firm grip on Edward. I was definitely not going to get any answers from him.

Edward gave me a look, a look of desperation. One that said 'we are running out of time' - which we were.

So much for a sweet but stupid plan.

As soon as Demetri took Edward away, it would mean he was either safe - if Demetri would keep his promise, or he would get killed - if Demetri turned out to be a lying, conniving bastard.

It was hard to fucking decide where he stood and he was certainly not giving any kind of hint himself.

Or was he?

Demetri reached for the door but hesitated. Then he scraped his throat...

"Aro?" he spoke, hesitantly and carefully.

"What?" Aro snapped. "I told you what to do, what else could there possibly be? Do I in fact need to call Felix to show you how it's done? You are testing my patience," he said, pointing a finger at him. "If you don't do as I say, I am afraid I need to have Felix come in here and give you a few pointers. And you know he likes to teach things the hard way."

The wicked smile was back. He totally enjoyed this.

"I was just thinking… if... if we let him walk, there is no doubt he'll inform the authorities. And while there may not be much to tell them, it could still get messy if someone comes snooping."

Aro huffed. "So kill him, then."

Demetri nodded, and I tried to suppress the urge to scream at both of them. Edward seemed to be taking things more solemnly. He had his head bowed, his eyes averting mine, which frankly, bothered me. But then, as I watched his chest rise and fall my eyes darted up and I noticed how his lips were moving slightly.

He was praying.

"Kill him, yes." Demetri nodded. "But wouldn't it be better to... make it look like an accident. His family, from what I can gather, has a reputation in Seattle. His father is..."

"A deacon, yes I know," Aro muttered.

This wasn't a surprise anymore. Aro truly did know everything about Edward's background. I wondered briefly how he knew, but filed that question away for later. Hoping there would be a later.

"Really, what are you trying to tell me, Demetri?" Aro asked him, agitated now. It was clear he was growing fucking impatient. "Are you telling me you can't do it? Is this task too complicated for you?"

Aro grabbed his gun and waved at Demetri with it.

" I think I was quite clear. You kill the boy or you let him go. I don't care either way. If you want to make it look like an accident, by all means. Again, I cannot express how little I care. I wanted Isabella and Isabella you gave me..."

"...so whatever happens now... is simply none of my concern anymore. If you let him go and he runs straight to the police, so be it. Like you pointed out, they might create a little fuss, but hardly anything to make an impact. If you kill him and people ask questions... I have lawyers who will laugh at whatever accusation they will throw at me. As far as I am concerned I never saw this boy. Now, am I clear? Or do I need to do this myself and shoot you after?" he said as he pointed the gun at Demetri.

Demetri nodded, seemingly unfazed by the fact he was staring straight into the barrel of Aro's gun. Meanwhile I was a mess inside.

"Crystal," Demetri muttered.

"Excellent. Now, go!" He gestured with his free hand as he turned around, his eyes landing on me.

"There is one more thing," Demetri said.

"Now what?!" Aro snapped.

"I think I should do it here," Demetri said before he fired one clear shot.

* * *

**DPOV**

One shot. One loud ear-shattering shot, a sound penetrating the atmosphere with its impact and then…

Silence.

The kind of silence that was just as loud as firing a gun. Like a bloodcurdling scream on mute.

I was kind of dazed, the power of the gun firing back had me slumped against the door. It was odd though. Unlike in the movies, where the smoke lifts and the commotion starts, there was actually nothing.

Nothing at all for a moment.

I crawled over to where my gun lay, still warm from the fired shot. Instinctively I grabbed it before I looked up and right into the eyes of a dead man.

They were half opened and looked empty. His mouth slightly hung open as well. The pool of red that was forming a growing stain on his crisp white shirt indicated that I'd been effective.

Years of target practice as a teenager with my father during the cold Siberian winters seemed to have paid off.

Ironically, this was the first time I fatally wounded someone and there was no remorse. No lingering emotion.

Perhaps in that way, the silence was fitting. A soundless goodbye to someone I didn't care about.

I knew better than to touch him to see if there was still a pulse. If he wasn't dead, he soon would be. A bullet through the heart was quite effective that way.

I rose and scanned the library. First the entrance; the door was still closed. I pressed my ear against the wood and listened for a moment but there was no sound coming from outside. At first sight, it would appear no one had heard what'd just happened in here.

Then the middle of the room, where he lay, bleeding onto the carpet.

And then, in the far corner, two lovers embracing, holding on for dear life.

It was perhaps the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen. And I wasn't a sappy person by nature.

As I watched, I realized that the room wasn't completely silent at all. There was sobbing; maybe his, but probably hers. He held her, more tightly than I'd ever seen anyone hold another person. Like I said: they were holding on for dear life. Isabella's face was buried in Edward's neck and to the unbeknownst bystander it seemed they were whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears.

But I knew better.

They were melting into one another, becoming one. This moment, this defining moment where the dragon had been slain, meant they were finally free.

"Hey," I spoke, my voice hoarse. "We need to move. They'll find him soon."

I looked back at Aro. "You're a disgusting bastard who deserves far worse than the merciful death from a bullet. But oh well..." I muttered, as I turned toward the door.

Isabella looked up and then back to Edward. He nodded and untangled himself, much to her protests. He got up and held out his hand, which Isabella grabbed eagerly. Once she was standing, he pulled her into his arms again, holding her close. I had a feeling they weren't going to let go of one another anytime soon.

"What happens now?" Isabella whispered.

"Now... you escape one last time, little one." I flashed her a sad smile.

* * *

**BPOV**

The gun going off was probably the most frightening thing I'd ever experienced and I'd seen some fucking sick things on the streets.

And it wasn't the first time I'd heard a gun go off either; it was business as usual that someone would get hurt on the streets and as a prostitute you were smart to stay away from that crap. That's what Mike was for - I vaguely recalled he did own a gun. Nothing too impressive but enough to keep fucking idiots away.

_Shut the fuck up Bella_, I chided myself.

Seriously, what was my problem. Someone had just been shot.

Fuck! Edward!

I looked up and he was already there... crawling to me, ignoring the man that had dropped to the ground in the middle of the room.

"Edward," I whispered, drinking him in. Every feature, his gorgeous face that was etched with worry, his jade eyes that undoubtedly mirrored my own emotions; fear, love, anxiety and hope. Hope that it was now all over. The emotions were one big jumbling mess.

"Bella," his lips mouthed and I sighed. I looked him over and he seemed to be in one piece. No wounds, no blood pooling, no damage.

Edward was... alive...

* * *

**EPOV**

Alive. Bella was alive. She was alright. Aro was dead... or soon would be and Bella was alright. We both were.

I looked her over from head to toe, trying to scan her for possible injuries but she appeared to be in one perfect piece. Her chocolate eyes were wide with shock but the choking fear I'd seen in them earlier was now – thankfully, gone.

I crawled over to her, worried that more bullets would follow and breathed a sigh of relief when I was close enough to touch Bella without having to worry that she would get shot. I was shielding her now.

"Edward," she whispered and I flashed her a tiny smile as my fingers brushed against her cheek.

"Bella," I uttered her name as I reached out to take her into my arms. As I held her tight, I tried to keep her as close to me as possible. Bella was holding on to me, her arms wrapped around my waist and her face buried in the crook of my neck. In return I pressed my nose into her hair and breathed in the fragrance of sunflowers and freesias and one hundred percent Bella.

"Are you alright?" I asked her, keeping my voice low. "You weren't hit?"

I could feel Bella shake her head before she pressed her lips to my jaw.

"I am okay," she said, before letting out a shaky breath.

We both tried to make the most of the moment and slowly the fear of more shots following faded to the background. But our sweet reunion was short because all too soon we were forced to separate as Demetri called out and told us we had to hurry.

"Hey," he spoke quietly, pulling us out of our moment. "We need to move. They'll find him soon," he pointed out.

I had to hand it to him; he had really come through. Demetri had done Bella a great service.

I got to my feet and reached out to help Bella stand. As soon as she did, I took her into my arms again, unwilling to let her go.

"What happens now?" she asked.

"Now... you escape one last time, little one," Demetri said.

* * *

**BPOV**

Demetri was going to help us escape. I took a moment to process this and tried not to think of the possible repercussions. "Okay, let's go." I nodded.

"Just follow my lead," Demetri said. "Whatever you do, as soon as we reach the door, you run. Okay? No hesitation. You simply run. No looking back!" he ordered.

"What about you? What will… ?" I asked but Demetri shook his head dismissively before I could get my question out.

"Don't worry about me. This is about getting you out."

He then pressed his index finger to his lips, indicating we had to be quiet.

We walked out of the library, which thank fuck was on ground level. It wouldn't be that far to the back door... the door I had escaped through before.

This time, I didn't have to worry about a monster following me though... because, the monster was fucking dead.

Edward and I were safe... we could go home and move on. We could finally start our lives together without the past casting its shadow.

Still, we had to get out of this house. We were so close to the door, so close to freedom that I could taste it. And it felt like déjà vu. I had done this before. I had run before.

But this time I wasn't alone. This time I was running with Edward.

"Demetri?"

My heart jumped into my throat, as I heard the voice of the woman who was my mother on paper. Of course that was just a technicality.

Time and reality had proven she was anything but a mother.

"Renée, go back!" Demetri urged, but stubborn as she was, she only got closer.

"Where are you taking Isabella? And who is that boy?" She pointed a finger in Edward's direction.

There was nothing but contempt in her words and disapproval in her expression. That was probably the only emotion I'd ever gotten from her.

Sensing my discomfort and growing anger, Edward pulled me closer.

"Renée, I have orders!" Demetri shouted before he pinched the bridge of his nose; a sign of exasperation and impatience. "Aro will be angry if you keep me from doing my job!"

Renée barked out a harsh and disapproving laugh, at least that's what it sounded like.

"I heard the gunshot, Demetri. I saw him lying there on the floor in a puddle of blood."

"I don't think…" Demetri started but Renée held up her hand to stop him. "Were you eavesdropping?"

"I was in the hall way, waiting for Aro to come out of the library. I knew he was there with Isabella and when I heard the shot I ran to the room. And low and behold; you were all gone and he was dead. You shot him," Renée spat.

She closed her eyes for a moment, as if to treasure his memory but then they flew open suddenly, landing on Edward and me.

"You," she said, looking straight at me with eyes that were shaped like mine but held a cool, grey color. "You did this! Once again, you ruined everything! But this time, you won't escape. You will pay!"

I could feel the anger that was bubbling up inside of me rising to the surface. I had to force myself to stay in place instead of walking over and slapping her. Fucking bitch. I clenched my fists and pressed them to my sides. Edward noticed my inner struggle and took one of my hands into his own to soothe me.

His grip on me tightened as well. Instinctively his body tried to wrap itself around me to shield me from her cruelty.

"How sweet… another person you have fooled, Isabella," Renée muttered as she observed us.

"Shut the fuck up, Renée!" Edward suddenly spat icily, leaving me stunned that he used this opportunity to curse again after he had done so once before when he had saved me from that creep in that seedy motel room back in Seattle.

"I beg your pardon?" she said, sounding just as surprised as I felt.

"You heard me," Edward muttered. "I told you to shut your mouth... in not so pleasant terms. You are a poor excuse for a mother, one that's never protected her daughter from getting hurt by a monster and you dare put any blame on her? You are utterly absurd!"

I wanted to give Edward a fist bump.

Renée looked like he had verbally slapped her. Which served her right, since the bitch deserved it. I'd preferred an actual slap but this worked too. Well, for a moment.

Of course, Renée being Renée bounced back easily and shrugged off Edward's wrist slap with some venom of her own.

"You know nothing about me, boy," she nearly shouted. "And you will make a huge mistake if you think that this girl is worth your time. She is useless… and will only cause you pain. Mark my words."

I was used to her words. Sure, they stung but really, I hadn't expected much else from Renée. Once a bitch, always a fucking bitch. But I could feel Edward tense beside me.

Just as he was about to say something, Demetri scraped his throat. "We have to go."

"You will not go anywhere," Renée warned. "The whore"- Yes, she meant me - "is responsible for Aro's death."

"Whore?" I chuckled, pretending to shrug it off easily. "It takes one to know one, doesn't it... _mother_," I reminded her.

"Isabella, Edward, we _really_ have to go," Demetri urged as he pushed Edward and me toward the door. "There isn't much time."

"Alec!" Renée yelled as footsteps sounded closer. "I found the people responsible for Aro's murder. Come quick!"

She flashed a triumphant smile. "You don't think I am alone, do you. Alec is like my shadow and he is only a few steps away from blowing your brains out."

I hesitated while Demetri drew his gun. "Go!" he ordered.

"What about you?" Edward asked.

"I did what I should've done ages ago." He shrugged. "Now I face the consequences."

"Demetri..." I choked back tears, knowing he would not make it out alive. Alec and Felix would take him out.

"It'll be okay," he said before he briefly touched my chin and then gestured for Edward to take me away.

"You'll get hurt," I pointed out lamely. "Or worse," I added in a whisper.

He nodded. "Probably."

I reached out and hugged him, which took him by surprise.

"I'm sorry I doubted you." I sobbed.

Demetri patted my back awkwardly. "I am sorry to ever give you a reason. To have you suffer for so long."

"Bella," Edward urged as he gently pried me away from the embrace. "Love, we have to go."

He gave Demetri a nod and mouthed a 'thank you'.

Demetri in return flashed him a smile and shrugged, before he drew his gun and moved into the direction of where Renée was eyeing us with disgust and where Alec would soon emerge.

Edward pulled me out of the door and the last thing I heard was gunfire while we ran to our freedom.

* * *

**Okay, here it is. I should apologize for the wait again, but it is getting tedious. Please know that this is not something I do purposely, so very often I plan to write and life gets in the way. It was easier last year when I was jobless for a while.**

**Anyway, some of you were critical of the last chapter, of the wait in between chapters etc. I want to thank everyone for taking the time to review. I know that I have been "failing" with updates and I am very sorry. I also know that for some the whole Aro thing is a little too "bad guy/fanfic" and I understand that. It's a choice I made and I respect that it's not everyone's cup of tea.**

**There are three chapters left. One BPOV, one EPOV and an epilogue. Since I will be going on a (well deserved?) holiday at the end of the week, I am hoping to at least give you a new chapter before that, but I can't guarantee it.**

**As always, thank you for sticking with me. This journey is almost over. **

**Happy Almost Weekend!**


	58. Worse Before Better - Part One

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 56: WORSE BEFORE BETTER - PART ONE**

Marzipan, fondant. Butter cream and icing powder. Dough, batter, baking pans and oven mitts.

Welcome to Cupcake Central.

I rubbed my jaw as it was straining under all the fricking smiling I had to do.

Sugar-coating got a whole new meaning for me here in Portland, Oregon.

"Bella, would you mind making another batch of chocolate cupcakes? We're running out," Maggie asked me sweetly, effectively pulling me from my sugar related frustration.

I mean, I loved cooking and baking and I didn't mind getting my hands dirty. But being at this showcase with hundreds of other bakers and store-owners, brand managers and most importantly, potential clients and random visitors who had nothing better to do on their Saturday, feeling like I was a monkey doing a trick with all the "oohs and aahs" whenever I decorated a plain cupcake into a small sugary masterpiece, that was torturous.

I hated attention, I hated being on display. Ironic with my former "profession," I know.

I shouldn't complain though. Maggie had hired me without any proper qualifications. She had put her faith in me and my flaws when hardly anyone else had, so sucking it up for a few hours during these events was a small price to pay.

Maggie thrived during these events because it was a way for her to put her skills on display and promote the store. And from what I could tell so far, she was well respected around here. Lots of people waving at her or coming over to our stand for some small talk.

"Sure, Maggie. No problem." I flashed her a smile.

She nodded and went back to talking to a middle aged couple wearing matching yellow and black parka jackets and equally matching smiles. They listened intently as she showed them how to decorate a vanilla cupcake with chocolate butter cream and colored sprinkles. I watched as the couple hung on Maggie's every word, impressed with her people skills.

I would never be able to do that. To impress people with a smile or a kind word. My body may have been impressive once, perfect to lure men in, but my personality was far less impressive.

I looked back at Maggie while I mixed the batter for another round. She was getting the couple to sign up for one of her workshops.

It was fun and hip now, thanks to Cake Boss and stuff. And with all due respect, Mr. & Mrs. Parka were the stereotype convention visitors; impressed with every gadget, eager to sign up for every workshop.

I watched as the husband's hand rested on his wife's lower back while she filled in the form. I had to smile at the loving gesture, hoping Edward and I would be like that in thirty-plus years.

Well, without the matching parkas.

Yeah, I was getting soft. The walls were crumbling. Slowly, but effectively.

Doctor Carmen should be proud. She had worked hard to get me to open up, to help me get through the extremely traumatic experience – her words - of being abused by Aro. To calm the inner turmoil inside me.

She had gone above and beyond to get through to me, to make me see that what I'd been through was a terrible ordeal but that I didn't have to keep reopening wounds and should live with fading scars instead.

She'd had her suspicions, telling me I was actually a "textbook" abuse victim. That of course had sent me over the edge, since in my opinion there was nothing "textbook" about being abused and handling the physical and emotional torment.

But Doctor Carmen had been relentless. She had wanted me to face my fears, my nightmares.

My past. Not just the part where a man had snuck into my bedroom every night to rape me, but also making my escape from that and ultimately ending up on the streets to allow other – random – men to claim my body.

We'd spent sessions talking about control. How I wanted to control my clients as much as I wanted to control my own body. She'd stressed that people who'd been molested often used sexual or otherwise provocative behavior as an outlet to cope.

Textbook behavior.

I hated that assessment.

Once we got passed the "analysis" of why I was so fucked up, Doctor Carmen had wanted to look for ways for me to Move Forward.

Yes, with capital letters.

One of the things she had recommended: I had to start writing in a journal.

A journal to catalogue my thoughts in. Any kind of thoughts. Good ones. Bad ones. _Very _bad ones. Memories from the past, hopes for the future. Essentially she wanted me to write down anything she could over-analyze.

At first, I had protested, rejecting the idea because I was stubborn as ever. Although I had been in therapy for months, I still hated the idea of having to share my thoughts. Hated to be the subject of analyses, even if that was her actual job.

I just couldn't get used to it. I couldn't bring myself to relax and feel comfortable enough to talk about my issues.

Also, having to write "Dear Diary" everyday in hopes it would lead to some profound material my therapist could use to overanalyze me, hadn't been something that thrilled me either.

I understood though, well _looking back_ I did, even if I had been so stubborn at the time. All the good doctor had wanted to do was help me deal with the past. Break down the wall I had so carefully built brick by brick.

And let's face it, that was a hell of a task.

When Edward and I had returned from Chicago and life was supposed to return to normal as well, it didn't. _I_ didn't. Things got worse than ever.

Looking back, it had been stupid to believe that Aro's death meant the past would instantly die with him. That I'd finally be able to live a normal life without the ghost of him following me around constantly.

Instead, the monster remained alive and roaring inside of me, haunting me every single night. At first Edward had let me be. He held me through my nightmares and tried to assure me that everything would be alright, but as days turned into weeks and time went on, I hadn't gotten better.

During the day I was tired and at night I was afraid to sleep. It took its toll. Not just on me, but on Edward as well, and while he never wavered and kept trying to be his loving supportive self, we'd slowly drifted apart.

At first it had been barely noticeable; Edward hid his feelings well. But after a particularly bad week of night terrors and waking up screaming, he'd finally spoken up and demanded that I talk to Doctor Carmen about it.

Naturally, at first I had refused, failing to understand why telling her anything would make a difference. I'd still foolishly hoped that with time the worst of it would fade. But I kept seeing the monster's face – dead or alive – and in most of my nightmares he haunted not only me but also Edward and it always ended with him nailing Edward to a cross as a makeshift Jesus.

Edward, his support never faltering, hadn't pushed me on my decision not to talk to Doctor Carmen although I knew it would mean a lot to him if I did. If only he had pushed me. If only I hadn't been so fucking stubborn.

If only.

But Edward hadn't put his foot down. And I'd been too far gone to be reasoned with.

So nothing had changed. And for a while we'd remained the status quo, allowing our rest to be interrupted by my screams every night, while running on very thin ice with each other during the day.

It had affected our entire life and naturally also our relationship.

Eventually, Edward had become distant. Needing distance and staying out some nights.

No, this wasn't the stereo type "he cheated" story.

It was worse.

In all my own drama, I'd failed to be supportive in his.

See, in the aftermath of what had gone down in Chicago, Edward had been struggling too. Not just with what happened there, but also with what lay ahead.

The future.

He was no longer going to be ordained, but he still had to graduate. And in the months after we'd returned from Chicago, that had proven to be a challenge.

First, there had been his dissertation. Initially, Edward was supposed to hand in a concept version right around the time we'd gone to Chicago. However, with everything that happened there, he had missed that deadline.

Not that it would've made a difference if we'd stayed in Seattle, because it hadn't even been finished.

Missing the first deadline, hadn't been a big problem at first. Once we'd returned from Chicago, Edward had talked to Kate and she had managed to pull some strings to get him an extension. He was an exemplary student and calling upon a "family emergency" had been enough to grant him a little more time.

But Edward had changed and his future wasn't as certain as before. Without the goal of becoming a priest, he had struggled with finishing his dissertation. He'd worked on it night after night to finish it in time but there was little progress. And that had frustrated him.

I'd watched him type in words, sentences, entire paragraphs only to see him delete them again with a sign of frustration. I'd watched, but I had failed to really _see_.

I'd been too caught up in my own drama and that made me useless to an Edward who had been getting more desperate every day and had needed my support.

If only I could've seen how much he'd needed me.

Ultimately, he had ended up missing the extension for handing in his dissertation too. In practice that simply meant he wouldn't graduate until he finished it. But in the months after, his work ethic didn't improve. He'd gotten stuck.

Stuck with his dissertation. Stuck without a clear prospect on his future.

_Stuck with me._

Someone who had failed to support him like a loving person should.

So he had started looking for it elsewhere.

No, not with another woman. Please.

Edward had found it with the Faith, Hope and Solace Center. He became friends with Liam, the guy who basically ran the center with his wife Siobhan. They had offered Edward the support I hadn't and long story short, when a missionary trip to Uganda and Namibia came up and Liam had suggested for Edward to go with him…

He went.

And so Edward and I had broken up.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

"_Africa?"_

_Edward nodded._

"_For_ t_hree months, yes. Liam was going to go with Siobhan, but now that she's expecting, it's not safe. He wasn't going to go because he worries about Siobhan, but she insisted he makes the trip anyway. And he wants to go now, before the baby is born."_

_It all made sense when he explained it like that, but the implications of his words frightened me. Because he was going too._

"_When would you leave?"_

"_Soon. In two weeks. I know it's short notice but Liam and Siobhan were surprised with the pregnancy news and ..."_

_Two weeks. In two weeks Edward would be gone. For three whole months._

_Three months without Edward and hardly any ways of communication. I wasn't sure I would be able to survive that._

_"Don't you need shots and stuff for malaria?" I ranted incoherently. "I think those need more than two weeks to take effect. I am no doctor but it's really short notice..." I kept babbling._

_I was starting to panic, obviously. Edward wanted to go on this bizarre adventure out of the blue, without the proper preparations. He wanted to leave._

_Leave me._

_"Liam says that if I start taking malaria pills now and get a shot for some other diseases like hepatitis within the next few days, I should be fine. He is emailing me the info."_

_I wanted to snort because it seemed so silly. It was entirely obvious he wanted to do this and whatever argument I would bring up would be brushed aside._

_"I could go with you," I suggested, thinking that Africa might be a good change for me too._

_But Edward had different ideas about that._

"_Bella, I don't think that's a good idea. This is a missionary trip. Partially sponsored by donations to the FHS-center. Most days will be filled with digging through mud to build a school and a small medical center. The circumstances will be very primitive…"_

_"I have lived on the streets, Edward," I pointed out. "I think I can handle 'primitive'."_

_He nodded but it wasn't an acknowledgement of my words._

_"I know that. But this is a church driven trip and you're…"_

_"I am what?" I challenged. "Not good enough?_

_Edward shook his head. "That's not what I meant to imply. It's just… I… This….I need to do this alone."_

_"You don't want me to come?"_

_When he shook his head and confirmed my worst nightmare, it felt like the ground had fallen away beneath me._

_Edward didn't want me anymore._

"_You want to break up," I tested the words. They couldn't possibly be coming out of my mouth. Edward and I couldn't break up. We belonged together. We weren't perfect and we'd weathered a butt load of storms together but breaking up was never an option._

_At least not for me. And I had always believed he'd felt the same._

"_I think it would be better, yes," he admitted._

"_Better. How could it possibly be better?" I muttered._

_Suddenly I felt_ _numb. Like all the feelings had been sucked out of me. I didn't understand it, it didn't make sense. I pinched my skin but I didn't feel it. I tried to cry but no tears formed in my eyes._

_I was neither here or there, my body was in one place, my mind in another. I couldn't connect the two as I stared at Edward, who looked at me expectantly._

"_We need space. We both have issues and it seems that together, right now, we are only making them worse."_

"_So breaking up will make it better?" I huffed. I crossed my arms and went for indifference. Edward hated that and I hoped that this type of manipulation, as evil as it was to play him, would make him change his mind. About breaking up and maybe even about going to Africa._

"_Okay, I guess that's that then. It's over." I shrugged. "By all means, go. See if I care."_

_Edward flashed me a sad smile. "Don't do that," he murmured. "Don't pretend you don't care because you think it can make me stay. You know I have to do this."_

_I rolled my eyes, childish as I was._

"_Bella," he said, reaching out._

"_You are really leaving," I whispered, hoping I didn't sound as lost as I felt. Or maybe the opposite. Maybe that would trigger some compassion and get Edward to change his mind._

"_I think we need some time. We both need to figure out what we want. And doing it together doesn't seem to be working. We've been back from Chicago for over three months and you are still waking up every night screaming, refusing to seek help. I am stuck with the question of what I want to do with my future. I am unable to finish my dissertation and…"_

"_And going to Africa will fix all that?" I said sarcastically. "I think you're just running."_

"_I'm not running. This is something that has come on my path now and I want to take this chance. Maybe it'll help me figure out what I want."_

"_Which is not me," I murmured sadly, choking back tears._

_Silly Edward, I knew what I wanted. Him. All I ever saw was him. And he was leaving me. Like I meant nothing._

"_We can do that together," I insisted, my voice thick. "You can have space; you can go to Africa. I'll wait."_

_Edward reached out and cupped my cheek. I wanted to push him away but my body had to betray my need for him, so instead I leaned into his touch too eagerly._

"_Bella," he whispered. "We can't go on like this forever. We are enabling each other. I love you so much; more than you might realize but we'll end up hating each other if we go on like this."_

_I hated to admit it, but of course Edward was right. We'd been sticking our head in the sand since we'd gotten back from Chicago._

_The situation with Aro had taken its toll and the aftermath of making back safely to Seattle, of having to read in the paper about Aro's death and that of his "wife" Renée, plus other casualties, including two of his bodyguards, had kept everything fresh in our minds. Doctor Deacon was the only one who knew some details but he never talked about it._

_And with Charlie, as always, "out of sight" had meant "out of mind", so he hadn't checked in once to see how we were doing._

_Bottom-line, we were battling against the ghosts of Chicago and the fact Edward's entire future lay wide open now that he wasn't going to pursue an ordination._

_And now Edward was leaving._

_I understood why he wanted to go with Liam… to Africa of all places. But what I didn't understand was why we had to break up because of it. I got that he needed space and that he believed he would find it half way across the world. But why be rash and end our relationship? That I didn't get._

_So I told him that. "We don't have to break up," I pointed out, practically begging because I was that pathetic. If manipulation didn't work, I could always sink lower and beg him to stay._

"_You can go to Africa and I'll wait here," I told him again._

_Edward smiled. "Believe me when I say that I wish it were that simple but you never know what might happen in the time that I am away," he said. "I can't ask you to wait for me, when I don't even know what will happen during my absence. We can't look into the future, Bella."_

_I snorted. "It is that simple. You want some time apart. I can give you that time."_

_Edward shook his head. "It's not just about time. It's about figuring things out. Look, I hate being selfish but I have no clue of where I stand or what I want."_

"_And that includes me," I whispered._

_Edward leaned in and pressed his lips to my cheek. "I love you. I want to be with you. But right now, our issues are slowly pulling us apart. It's not healthy. I wish I didn't have to leave. I wish we could go on and be happy, but I am not happy, Bella. And neither are you."_

"_You're not… happy?" I repeated dumbly. It wasn't exactly a secret that the going was getting tough but I didn't think that we couldn't fix that together._

"_No, right now… I am not." Edward shook his head, tears brimming in his eyes. "And neither are you."_

_I sighed, taking a deep breath. "That changes things."_

"_Maybe when I get back from Africa, we can reassess. Maybe things will be better then. But if we don't start working on things and keep on going like we are now, then eventually we will break up permanently. Taking a break now gives us a chance."_

_What he said made sense but I resented it. I didn't want logic. Love wasn't fucking logical._

"_It seems to be so easy for you to leave," I pointed out. "You have already made up your mind, so it's done. We break up and if in three months you return and decide that you need more time, what happens then?"_

"_I don't know," Edward admitted. "But you're wrong. This is not easy at all. It's incredibly hard. You think I want to leave you?"_

"_Then why?" I asked. I was confused and fucking hurt and nothing made sense anymore. He suggested leaving like it could provide a magical cure, a fix for all our issues but at the same time he didn't even want to. What the fuck was it?_

"_Why can't we be together?" I tried again and failing miserably at not sounding pathetic. "Like I said, I don't mind if you want to go away for a few months…_

_"I'd miss you, sure but I wouldn't demand that you call me constantly... I just want to be together," I offered lamely. "I want to be sure that when you come back… you come back to me..._

_"Please don't do this," I begged._

"_Bella, please," Edward begged in return. "Remember how you had to learn how to be independent in a healthy way… organically. You found your 'thing' in cooking... I need to find my thing too. Tell me you understand... Please give me time. For the past months I have given you the same respect…"_

"_Don't," I warned. "Don't turn this around. I know I have been a fucking mess since we've gotten back from Chicago. And I know you have always been there for me and that while I wish it were different I failed to be there for you. But don't talk to me about fucking respect. If you want to end things, end things. But don't try and make this into an agreement…._

"…_because I sure as fucking hell don't understand. And I don't agree."_

"_Bella."_

_I rose and put distance between us._

"_I am not evil or selfish and I am sorry if tried to influence you with my emotions to make you change your mind," I murmured. "If you want to go to Africa, go. I can't stop you and it would make me a fucking evil person if I held you back."_

"_Bella I…"_

"_Just go," I whispered._

_Edward came over and wrapped me into a hug, which broke the levies and brought out the water works._

"_Please don't do this," I sobbed. "Go to Africa, go find yourself and come back to me."_

_He hugged me tightly but never said a word._

_Two weeks later, he was gone. Leaving my heart shattered into a bazillion pieces._

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

Whatever kind of pain I had felt before, it had been nothing compared to what the loss of the person I loved the most did to me.

Not even getting raped every night as a teenager. Now, that was obviously not something I'd ever wanted to experience again, but I had always been able to compartmentalize it pretty well.

I had always been pretty good at pushing the thought of Aro's touch, his words, the disgusting feeling of his body, away in the smallest corners of my mind, whenever I truly needed to, just to be able to function. And while the nightmares about him and the lack of sleep his terror caused was no picnic, I would take that any day over the crippling pain of losing Edward.

It was excruciating. The inability to breathe and the hole that Edward's absence had created in my heart. There was no way to describe it, no way to live through it day after day and see a light at the end of the tunnel I'd been sucked into.

He left. He went halfway across the world, helping the sick and the poor… hoping to find himself. And I had remained in the apartment that was once solely his. The cold, grey, monotone apartment that overtime had turned into our home; that had been filled with color, with character, with new beginnings, with… life - it became my sanctuary, while he chased dreams elsewhere.

To this day, I couldn't fault Edward the need to find himself; after all I'd been the one who'd turned his world and his future upside down when I had entered his life. He had always been there for me and it would have been selfish to keep him from exploring and evolving. Ending our relationship may not have been a mutual decision but he had been right when he'd said we both needed to learn how to be independent.

I barely recalled the first week after Edward left. I remembered staying in bed with the covers curled around me. Every sound, every tick of the clock, every little sound drove me insane and frightened me at the same time because it proved that life went on without me, _that time_ moved without me, while I lay there completely broken.

When I'd closed my eyes, there was Edward. When I'd managed to succumb to sleep he starred in my dreams. Day and night ceased to have meaning during that time. There was only loss. The loss of my heart and soul.

By the third or fourth week, I couldn't pinpoint the precise moment, Angela and Rosalie had decided it was time to intervene. They'd dragged me out of bed and forced me into the shower while they straightened up the place. Then, when I had refused to talk to either of them, they had decided that I needed to go outside.

After a tantrum that rivaled a toddler, I had finally relented. But once outside, the pain had hit me like a battering ram. Once again, I'd been struck with the knowledge that everyday life was going on and on without me, which meant that Edward was probably doing the same.

Moving on without me.

The idea of that had made me decide I could move on as well. Determined to forget all about Edward, I busied myself with trying new recipes, with burying myself in work. Maggie had been very supportive and gave me the space to ease back into things but I had jumped right back in with full force, thinking cupcakes and frosting, bread and pastries would help me forget about… him.

I was wrong.

During the fifth week Doctor Deacon stopped by to pick up some pies. Well aware of the fact that my relationship with his son was over – this should thrill him, but he had acted surprisingly considerate. He'd flashed me a genuine smile when I had handed him his order and babbled on about something I didn't even listen to, in hopes to ease the tension.

But alas, despite his good intentions, looking at Doctor Deacon had been like watching an Edward from the future. They had a similar built, and while Edward had Esme's eyes, there was also a lot of Carlisle in him.

It had sucked to see him and envision Edward instead.

By the time Edward had been gone for over a month it had become apparent that burying my head in the sand and pretending I'd never met him was useless. Throwing myself into work had proven to be ineffective because I was burning batches of baked goods daily.

That had prompted my friends to intervene again. And this time, they'd brought some convincing ammunition.

Esme Cullen.

It was her, my former mother in law, who had forced me to go to Doctor Carmen and talk about the break up.

And everything else.

I had relented only because I knew, somewhere deep inside, that I couldn't go on like this.

During my first session since the break up, Doctor Carmen had brought up her idea of starting a journal again, after I had refused her suggestion before.

Naturally, it had pissed me off that she had wanted to turn the break up into a learning experience, when all I wanted to do was crawl into a whole and die.

But she pushed and pushed and after about three sessions of wallowing on her sofa, I had started writing in a journal. Not just some journal, a beautifully crafted, black leather covered journal that Edward had given me about a month before we'd broken up, in hopes it would encourage me to start writing in it.

It was ironic it had been his departure that had finally forced me to write down my thoughts.

The second month mark of Edward's departure passed and I had found a pretty strict routine of work and spending time with the people I cared for with intermissions of two weekly therapy sessions and filling up my journal with pages of unresolved issues, volatile emotions and worlds of pain.

There were days when I'd almost felt normal. When smiling took a little less effort.

But I didn't get better. Not really.

The only thing that changed was that the pain wasn't as crippling all the time. And every fraction of improvement had been better than feeling like I would succumb to the pain that accompanied every thought of Edward…

"Bella?"

I looked up at a curiously smiling Maggie, who was fanning herself with a brochure.

"Those cupcakes you wanted are just about ready," I assured her, as I checked the timer, feeling some embarrassment for spacing out like that out in the open for everyone to see. It was a good thing I hadn't burned any cupcakes this time.

"That's alright, dear. I only called your name because I think this gentleman would rather hear about the workshops we offer from you." She grinned as she gestured to the person standing next to her.

My eyes left her face and locked in with a dark jade penetrating gaze. My eyes lingered on them, before moving down to stare at a pair of full – very kissable - red lips, a strong jaw with a hint of scruff and a smile that probably matched my own.

Edward.

"I think I can handle baking an apple pie and maybe some chocolate chip cookies. With the help of an expert chef, of course. I'm not very good with anything that requires decorating stuff. My girlfriend tells me my hands are too big." He winked, which caused Maggie to snort before she turned to leave us alone.

Edward flashed me an adorable crooked and slightly smug smile as he held out one of the brochures to me.

"Where do I sign up? And can I put in the special request to be trained by you?" he added in mock seriousness.

"Edward." I breathed as I reached out to touch the collar of his jacket. "What are you doing here?"

"I am getting in touch with my inner pastry-chef. It has to be in there somewhere, given that my mom knows how to bake pies." He grinned before leaning in to peck my lips.

Did I mention the break up officially lasted for about three and a half months?

See, after two months, a week and four days - to be fucking precise, Edward returned home.

With the realization that what he'd been chasing half way around the world, was still waiting for him at home.

Ironically, he had returned on my twenty-fourth birthday. A day I had wanted to spend alone to sulk and drown in the pain of spending this special day without the man I loved.

My friends hadn't agreed with me. Rosalie, Alice, Angela and Esme had put their foot down and insisted taking me out on a birthday dinner.

After dinner, when I'd returned home, feeling melancholic and dreading to end the day alone, there he'd been.

Edward.

Sitting on the same sofa he had left me on months earlier.

He'd looked a little older, even though he had only been gone a few months. His kissable jaw had been framed with some blonde and bronze scruff. The green of his eyes had sparkled with an emotion foreign to me.

But underneath he was still Edward.

_My_ Edward.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

"_Bella..."_

_My name lingered between us, as I closed the door to my - or was it still our? - apartment behind me. I wanted to run into his arms, but decided that my heart wouldn't be able to take it if he rejected me._

_I looked for clues in Edward's eyes, in his body language. Had he come here to tell me he could live without me?_

_But he wouldn't do that on my birthday, would he?_

_There were so many questions but as I looked him over, my heart hammering, I realized Edward was really here. All these months I had wanted to see him, conjuring him up in my mind until it hurt too much and now… he was real._

_I smiled._

_Edward flashed me a dazzling smile in return and that sent my heart into overdrive. It was thumping very loudly and I was certain he could hear. If he did though, he was sure not letting it on. Edward just sat there and waited. Smiling big._

_The hole that had been there since he'd left didn't magically heal itself in that moment but there was more action in my chest than there had been in months._

_I felt… alive. And that was scary because it meant Edward could break me. He could yank everything away again if he'd reject me now._

_I tried not to stare, though I did wonder if maybe my brain had finally snapped and this boy on the sofa was nothing more than a figment of my imagination._

_It certainly wouldn't be a stretch, considering that in the first weeks after Edward left, I felt him everywhere. Not just at home, but also in every other place I went. I could feel his eyes on me, though there was no one actually watching. At night, when I battled the nightmares that had now shifted from Aro to a darker place where I was all alone and screaming for Edward, I could feel his protective embrace, but when I woke up, he was never there._

_But now he was here. Home._

_But was this still his home? Did he still want it to be? Did I still want it to be?_

_There were so many questions._

_I put down my satchel and nodded in greeting as I approached carefully. It was crazy to see him sitting there on the sofa as if the last three months hadn't happened._

_But they had happened. And the pain his absence had caused wasn't that easily erased._

"_Edward," I finally whispered, as I sought refuge in the armchair furthest away from him._

_Distance. Distance was safe._

"_Happy Birthday," he said softly, as he held out a tragic looking half wilted sunflower. "I uh... didn't have time to properly shop for you."_

_I flashed him a tiny smile as I took the flower, careful not to touch him._

_I wouldn't be able to handle that yet, what with my emotions all over the place. I was happy to see him, but there was also confusion._

_And anger._

"_How... uh… when did you get back?" I asked lamely, making sure we stayed on safe generic territory._

_Neutral. Neutral was safe._

"_Just now. I am sorry I look so sloppy. It was a bumpy ride." He chuckled before shaking his head. For a moment his eyes drifted to a place unknown, undoubtedly miles away from here, leaving me to wonder what it was that distracted him._

"_Well… welcome back," I offered. "Your mom will be thrilled you are home."_

_Edward nodded. "I tried calling her earlier… right after I tried calling you but no one answered."_

"_We were out… dinner… for my birthday. Esme was there," I explained._

_Edward smiled. "I figured as much. Did you have a good day?"_

_I wanted to tell him no, I wanted to tell him that ironically, my last birthday had been better, that despite spending it in jail, it was still less painful than having to spend it without him, but instead I just shrugged and flashed a tiny smile._

"_It was fine," I murmured._

_Edward looked at the clock before his eyes found mine again. Then he rose from the sofa and slowly moved toward me._

"Well, i_t's not over yet," he whispered, as his hand lingered, itching to touch me._

_"Happy Birthday Bella."_

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

We didn't get back together that night. That would've been way too easy. Too cheesy. This was not a romance novel. It wouldn't have been right if we had pretended nothing had changed and everything was alright.

Not that a part of me hadn't wanted to though. But a bigger part of me, the part that had suffered so much during Edward's time away, had been more rational and protective of my emotions.

We'd talked that night but had kept it generic. Safe topics...

And as the night stretched way past the end of my birthday, things had been surprisingly familiar and comfortable.

Still, my heart had sunk a little when Edward had announced his departure even if it was just for the night.

And I had been so fucking relieved when he had shown up the next day, clean shaven and carrying breakfast.

Edward had truly returned home with the determination to win me back.

He had been very transparent about that in the days that had followed his homecoming. When we'd finally had "the talk" he'd point blank admitted that going to Africa had not brought him what he had expected. Yes, he'd gotten a whole new perspective and appreciation for life seeing the poverty and the blankness in the eyes of people who had zero opportunities and lived in misery day after day.

And sure, spending time with Liam had put some of his future perspectives into focus.

But most importantly - and yes, I was still being a little smug about this part - he had missed me as much as I'd missed him and while there had been plenty of distractions during his adventure, there wasn't a night he hadn't thought of me and dreamt of me - his words.

I'd reluctantly told him about how his absence had made it seem there was a hole in my chest and Edward had told me without hesitation he had felt the same.

He'd told my about a particular bad time in which he'd caught a virus that had made him terribly sick with fever and vomiting. Lying in the tent he slept in for days, losing himself in a weeklong delirium had oddly enough opened his eyes to a truth that he had pushed down when he'd left.

He needed to go home._ I_ was his home.

But coming back didn't automatically mean the months he'd been away hadn't happened. Edward had moved in with his parents with the intention of finding his own place in due time. There hadn't been any doubt that we would work on getting back together, but living together would've been too much.

And when I told Doctor Carmen about Edward's return she had emphasized on all the progress I had made and how if our break up was good for anything, it was that; that I'd been forced to face my own problems.

She also advised me to take things slow and to let him know how much him leaving had hurt me, while at the same time keep an open mind about his feelings as well.

During one of the sessions in which Edward had joined me, Doctor Carmen had warned us to avoid the same old patterns - the same emotional dependency we had created before.

And at every session Dr. Carmen had emphasized that Edward and I kept communicating, even when angry or emotional.

Sometimes that went well and we listened to each other.

But sometimes…

**FLASHBACK**

_I tried not to slam the door as I entered, knowing Edward hated it when I did it. I was in a foul mood, mostly because Doctor Carmen had refused my request to scale back our appointments to twice a month, instead of every week._

_I felt like I was ready to cut back our sessions, that I had made enough progress but she didn't agreed with me. _

_I was tired of having to spill my guts over and over every week, even now that there wasn't that much to share anymore. The turmoil inside me had calmed and overall I was doing much better. I didn't mind still going to therapy because it was a safety net but doing it every week was becoming a bit much._

_Plus I hated how I had to take one afternoon a week off for it. I mean, Maggie was very understanding about it all, but I was getting tired of having my daily routine interrupted by an hour of Bella's Brain analysis._

_Bottom line: I was pissed. Pissed and tired and I so badly wanted to slam the door and so I did, which caused Edward, who was on the sofa working on his laptop, raise a brow when our eyes met._

_"What?!" I snapped, as I dropped my bag and shrugged out of my coat._

_"I take it you didn't have a good day," he guessed, to which I rolled my eyes._

_I knew I was being defiant and that it was completely unnecessary to take my bad mood out on him but I just didn't seem able to help myself._

_"Don't be a smartass," I warned as I headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. "Why are you here anyway?"_

_Technically, Edward still lived with his parents and looking for his own place. But we both knew it was only a matter of time before he'd officially move back in here. He was here every day and most nights too._

_Edward ignored my comment and continued typing._

_"Don't ignore me," I hissed._

_"My bad," he muttered._

_"Oh, you have more to say?" I came storming out of the kitchen, determined now to pick a fight._

_Edward remained calm and shrugged, focusing on his computer screen instead of me._

_"Now he goes quiet," I muttered as I took a seat opposite from him._

_There was something brewing, something under my skin… I hated that I wanted to call Edward out, that I was desperate to pick a fight with him, but I needed some kind of release after Doctor Carmen had propped and probed me._

_Obviously it was very childish to use Edward for that but I couldn't help myself. Doctor Carmen had once pointed out that I liked to challenge the people I felt emotionally safe with. According to her I did that to make up for the times in my childhood where I didn't have a safe and stable home to be in._

_"Bella, don't," Edward said sternly as if he seemed to be able to read my thoughts. "If you want to talk about your afternoon, by all means. You know I am glad to listen. If all you want to do is fight, then I am not going to indulge you in that. Besides, you'll only feel bad later if you don't stop this now."_

_He was right of course, but in that moment I hated how right he was._

_"This is your fault, you know," I started, ignoring his warning. "The reason I get so pissed off is because I am tired of being head shrinked by Doctor Carmen and she still insists upon talking about our break up over and over. If you hadn't left then she wouldn't even have the chance."_

_Edward snorted. "Ah, so this is my fault. Got it." He nodded before going back to his typing._

_He wasn't giving me anything; I knew he wanted to keep the peace. But I would have none of that._

_"Go ahead, act all indifferent. Just like you did when you left."_

_Edward looked up and then back to his laptop, clicking on something before putting it down._

_He took a deep breath before facing me again. "Alright, let's have it. Spill. You resent me for leaving. I can apologize again but I have a feeling that won't help."_

_I raised an eyebrow but kept my mouth shut._

_"Bella... this is a two way street. We agreed to communicate."_

_"I am communicating just fine, thank you very fucking much," I said, feeling smug._

_"You're acting like a child. This behavior is beneath you. You are better than resorting back to the girl that had to defend herself on the streets."_

_Edward was so much better at this analysis stuff than I was. Better communicator too._

_"Whatever." I shrugged. "Maybe I am just that girl from the streets."_

_Edward rolled his eyes and kneeled in front of me. When he looked up through his lashes his jade eyes staring back at me, I could feel the anger dissipating._

_"Maybe I am bipolar," I muttered as I reached out to touch his cheek._

_Edward chuckled humorlessly and shook his head. "You just use your temper as a defense mechanism. Years and years of habit. Must be hard to snap out of."_

_"Why are you so calm?" I asked as I leaned into his arms._

_"I am not stupid, Bella. I know what my absence did to you. I mean, if I wasn't observant enough myself, I've had it pointed out plenty of times by our family and friends. I know I hurt you, how I broke you. And while this little temper tantrum may just be related to you being cranky this afternoon, I know the pain still lingers. So what good would getting angry at you do me? I hate that I put you through those months, even if I believed in my choice to leave at the time. I know the pain, I felt it too and I'd never wish it upon anyone, especially you._

_"So for that, I am so terribly sorry. I will always be."_

_Edward's smile was soft, his eyes slightly watery. I leaned in and pecked his lips._

_"You're here now, putting up with my cranky ass," I teased, hoping to lighten the mood._

_It worked for a moment, but then he went serious again._

_"I am here. And I am never going to leave you again."_

**END FLASHBACK**

Like he had done before he left, Edward had shown patience and support whenever I flew off the handle about little and big things. But unlike before, he also continued to build that part of his future that didn't truly involve me, namely finishing his education and starting a career.

He wrapped up his dissertation; the focus entirely different from what he had planned before. But the committee that had to determine its quality had ruled in his favor and so he had graduated eight months after his peers did.

And while he wasn't going to become a priest, he did however want to offer guidance to people in need. Like he had once guided me.

As for us, slowly, in the time span of a few months, Edward and I grew closer again and that hole in my heart healed a little more with every day that passed.

He took me out on dates and we spent time at the apartment. Our reunion kiss was right there on the sofa he had left me and where I'd found him when he returned.

And then, without explicitly realizing the difference in one particular, we were completely together again.

And it was amazing.

"Bella?"

Right, the convention. Cupcake Central.

Edward was here. With me.

I left my thoughts and looked at an expectant Edward who was looking at me, his gaze lingering on my white apron and the remnants of batter and frosting that clung to the fabric. Maybe he was even checking out my boobs a little. And then his eyes back to my flushed cheeks; the effect of his kiss.

"You look very sweet," he murmured as he brushed away a stray lock of hair that had escaped from my pony tail.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him. "I thought you were going to be at the Center all day."

"I had a sudden craving for something sugary" He smiled, his eyes glinting and burning into mine before his lips made their way to my cheek and then back to my mouth.

"Good show, guys," I heard a voice beside us. Edward pulled away, grinning like a fool, which made me chuckle. I waved at Liam and took in Siobhan, who was going to town on a velvet cupcake.

"Liam!" she admonished him. "Must you always comment on them?"

There was no malice in her voice and he just winked before kissing her lips.

"Hmm, good frosting," he commented as he licked his lips while pulling away.

"These are so good, Bella," Siobhan said. "You must share the recipe. Or preferably, make me a batch," she practically begged.

Edward smiled proudly as he took my hand. "Bella is the queen of the kitchen."

I snorted. "It's all Maggie. I just help."

"Nonsense," Edward said, shaking his head. "You know your way around the kitchen."

I ignored his compliment and turned to the couple standing in front of my booth. "So, what brings you all here? I thought it was going to be a busy day at the Center?"

"Well, it was a slow day and Siobhan wanted cupcakes," Liam teased his wife, who huffed in response and shrugged. "That cupcake was too tasty to disagree with you so instead I am going to ignore the comment."

She flashed me a small smile before her eyes caught the stand where they were making fudge.

She squealed before dragging her husband away. He smiled apologetically before following her willingly.

Since he'd been back, Edward assisted at the Faith, Hope and Solace Center a lot, especially now that Siobhan was eight and a half months pregnant. He manned the front desk and gave people information about the center. He also helped Liam with chores around the building.

Next to that, he was also taking part time psychology courses with the goal of becoming a spiritual counselor at the Center in the future. He still wanted to use his faith in his profession but he also wanted to help people. Like he once helped me as a buddy.

Edward was still an active believer but he was no longer rigid about being a Catholic. If going to Namibia and Uganda had taught him anything; if spending time with Liam taught him anything...

If _I_ had taught him anything, it was that faith was more than a set of rules pushed upon you by one higher power.

Liam and Edward were close friends now and Siobhan and I got along too. We usually met up once every two to three weeks to have dinner or to go out.

I liked them and I liked how they helped Edward find a different perspective and a possible professional future. And while they were strong in their Catholic faith, they never pushed me about doing the same or judged me for feeling uncomfortable about anything religious. I didn't know how much Edward had told them about my past, though it was certain it wasn't much, but I liked how they were open minded.

"I guess Siobhan has found a new craving," I chuckled as I watched her drag her husband to a different stand with baked goods.

"Yeah," Edward nodded while he admired my cupcakes. As he fingered the instruments that were laid out and I watched him I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by my love for him.

I just had to kiss him.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to Edward's cheek and then moved on to his lips. He responded eagerly, the brochures, cupcakes and other stuff instantly forgotten.

He hummed against my lips and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

Knowing that we couldn't go too far, I pulled away. "We have an audience," I warned halfheartedly.

"We could go to the car, have a little make out session," he suggested as his lips found my neck.

I moaned a little as he nipped under my jaw, eager to take him up on his suggestion.

Ever since we'd gotten back together we were both rather insatiable. It was like our bodies couldn't get enough and we also had to reaffirm our love spiritually over and over.

Still, I couldn't just leave. I had a responsibility here.

"We'll have to wait until we get home," I said as I put some distance between us.

"But that won't be for hours," Edward pouted, as he tried to move towards me again.

"Sorry, that's just the way it has to be." I winked before getting back to frosting my cupcakes.

"Wanna help me, with those big hands of yours?"

* * *

Later, when we got home, Edward was all about making good on what I had refused to let happen earlier.

I didn't even have time to put down my stuff properly before he reached for me and his soft lips coveted mine. His hold tightened and the sexual tension rose to a maximum.

While we nipped and touched, Edward lifted me onto the kitchen counter, because that gave him better access to my lips.

I grabbed the black cable-knit sweater he was wearing and pulled him as close as I could. Our tongues touched and caressed as our kisses deepened.

It took little time to feel Edward's arousal, partially but not entirely restrained by his jeans.

We made out like that for a while until the necessity for oxygen forced us apart.

"Wow." I gasped, still amazed at how making out with Edward made me feel.

He chuckled as he brushed some loose strands that had fallen out of the messy pony tail out of my face.

"Yes, amazing," he agreed before he leaned in again to shower my neck with kisses.

I wanted to get lost in the sensation again but I also felt kind of gross and wanted to shower and change.

"I feel dirty," I announced, earning a chuckle from Edward. Before he could make a smart come back I held up a finger. "From the convention. I am covered in sticky stuff."

"Not the right kind." Edward winked, which earned him a chuckle from me.

Edward Cullen speaking innuendo. Who would have ever thought?

"I really want to freshen up," I said.

Edward nodded, lifting me off the counter effortlessly. He gave me one more peck before retreating back into the living room.

I followed him with the intention to head to the bathroom when he stopped dead in his tracks.

His eyes were glued to my journal, since I had left it there before I'd left this morning.

"You've been writing?" He wondered.

He asked me this every time he saw the thing. I knew why. He related it to the bad times we'd been through, including our break up and he always became wary when he saw my journal lay out in the open.

This time it had been a while and though I hardly ever wrote anymore, I sometimes wanted to read back.

It wasn't a big deal for me. It was something Doctor Carmen recommended. She said that even now that things were better between Edward and I and that the past was slowly sinking to the background, it was still a good idea to keep cataloguing my thoughts if I wanted or read back to remind myself how far we'd come.

This week I actually had to write though.

"Doctor Carmen gave me this assignment for next week, where I have to recollect every dream I had for a week," I explained. "Trust me when I say I hate it, but well... if the good doctor wants me to," I muttered.

Edward frowned. "You don't have that many nightmares anymore," he pointed out.

It was true. The monster still roared its ugly head occasionally, but he no longer lingered. Most night I could now sleep peacefully. The nightmares had diminished to a few times a month.

I grabbed his hand and flashed him a smile. "They have. It's just that she is fascinated with the dreams. I don't know... when you... were away, she believed that I dealt with that through my dreams... and the same goes for the history with Aro... apparently... according to her I deal with emotional stuff in my dreams... it's... I don't think I really get it but writing is no big deal. And sometimes it does help to put my thoughts in order. And sometimes I read back. You know you can read it too."

I had offered that to him many times but Edward had always refused because he felt that it would be like he was invading my most private thoughts. I suspected however, that it was difficult for him to read about the time during his absence.

"I don't want to. It's your journal. It's private," he gave me his standard answer.

I nodded as I grabbed the cool leather bound book and put it away.

"Just don't take it personally. It's got nothing to do with us now. We're fine," I pointed out with a smile. "I think our little make out session just now, proved that."

Edward nodded and leaned in to kiss me, but after some brief nipping, I pushed him away teasingly.

"I really need to shower," I said.

He chuckled. "I could join you."

Now that was an offer I simply couldn't refuse.

* * *

The water cascaded down on us, making our bodies slick and easily compatible.

Like ying and yang. Black and white.

Gray. But also flushed with pink under the scorching stream of water.

Edward kissed down my neck, nipping at my flesh. I could feel his arousal against my stomach.

His hands made work of my boobs, kneading them gently. Apparently, they were one of his favorite features now.

I reached for his erection, pumping it a few times.

"Bella." He groaned, as I stroked his cock.

I smiled, always eager to give Edward pleasure. He was the only one I wanted to covet, over and over. The past didn't matter, all there was, was here and now. Him and me.

Edward leaned in to capture one of my nipples in his mouth. He sucked and bit the pink bud gently, eliciting a loud moan from me.

He chuckled against my skin: this was his favorite game now.

Teasing Bella.

See, Edward didn't just make the occasional sex joke, he had also gotten quite playful when it came to sex.

It was a huge change from the boy once too shy to ogle a woman.

Speaking of huge… I could feel his cock swell as I stroked him, while his mouth tucked at my nipples in teasing movements.

"Edward," I warned him halfheartedly. "Stop teasing me."

Yeah, I loved it when he teased me like this.

He lifted his head and captured my lips with his while his hands roamed until they landed on my ass.

"Firm," he murmured before lifting me up a little. I could feel his cock at the entrance of my slit and all I had to do was guide him in and then we would be one.

I took a firmer hold of Edward and rubbed his cock against my sex, coating it with his precum.

Edward shuddered and his eyes turned dark as a low throaty moan escaped him.

I teased him a little like that until he couldn't take it anymore and peeled away my hand from his erection so that he could enter me.

Once he did, I moaned, enjoying the feeling of him stretching me to the maximum.

We went slow first, reveling in the feeling of being joined.

It was overwhelming to feel this complete. To feel this loved. I looked into Edward's eyes and I had no doubt he felt the same.

Sometimes when we were this close, it reminded me of what I had missed when he was away. Not necessarily the sex, but the feeling of being in tune. Of being one. Our hearts and minds in sync. It was the closest I could possibly feel to Edward and I relished in it every time we made love.

Affirming our feelings over and over as we joined, I could feel myself falling. Then Edward sped up the pace, faster and faster until I screamed and he matched my sounds of pleasure with each thrust.

Edward pushed into me, harder as our need for unified release became more frantic.

It was rougher than when we made love on a bed but for some reason Edward still managed to be gentle, careful to never make me feel objectified, like others had in the past.

When we came, it wasn't like magic, it was simple release. Often, when we went slow and took our time, it was magical, almost fucking tranquil, but sometimes we basically needed to fuck, just to feel close and fulfill each other's need.

We lingered in the shower for a while until Edward guided me out, wrapping me into a towel and leading me to our bedroom.

I lay down in his arms, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped in them so securely.

"That was wonderful," Edward hummed as he kissed my hair. I lay sprawled out on his chest feeling satiated and blissful.

"The shower or the sexy times," I teased as I traced patterns on his well sculpted chest.

Edward had discovered the gym. Along with Emmett he went in at least once a week and the shallow side of me enjoyed watching his already toned body even more firm and delicious.

"Both." He chuckled.

I chuckled too, thinking that the Edward who had once been so cautious about sex was now insatiable.

"What's funny?" he asked curiously.

"You. Or maybe me," I murmured.

"Why is that?"

I looked up, my eyes locking with those gorgeous green orbs of his and smiled.

"I was just thinking of when you were afraid of anything physical and I had a mouth and attitude that rivaled a sailor."

Edward laughed with me. "Good times," he teased.

"We have come a long way." I said. "The good and the bad… everything was worth it. Just to be together now."

He nodded and pulled me close, kissing the top of my head.

"Together," Edward agreed.

Laying there for a moment we enjoyed the comfortable silence between us. I felt my eyelids getting heavy as my exhaustion took over.

The last thing I felt was Edward kissing my temple as he tucked me in, while he whispered something that sounded a lot like…

"Together. Forever."

* * *

**Long overdue, I know *hangs head in shame* - I had some personal and work related issues that took up my time. Still aiming to wrap this up before 2013. So...Part 2 (EPOV) hopefully next week or week after, followed by an epilogue.**

**As always, thank you to those who have stuck with this story. It means so much to me. In a way it's good it's almost over. Dragging this out would only do harm.**

**Right, I better get back to writing (and working)**

**Happy Almost Weekend! :)**


	59. For Better Or Worse - Part Two

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving ****constructive criticism.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 57: FOR BETTER OR WORSE - PART TWO**

I felt in the pocket of my hoodie, relieved that the velvet box was still there. Not that I had expected it to be gone, but every now and then I needed the reassurance that it was still tucked away safely.

Inside was one of the most important things ever.

A ring. Not just any ring but the object that symbolized eternity. An eternity with Bella.

The ring I was going to propose marriage with.

I was going to ask Bella to become my wife.

I stroked the velvet of the box before opening it. Inside was my mother's ring. Given to her by my father when he had proposed to her decades earlier. It was actually his mother's ring and her mother's before that.

It had been in the family for a long time and now it was passed along to me. Well, to Bella. Perhaps she could give it to our future son or daughter someday, should we ever be blessed to have children.

Anyway, the bottom-line was that way back when my father had used the ring to propose marriage to my mother it had been a pretty big deal, because he - like me - was supposed to become a priest. He was supposed to dedicate his life to the greatest love of all: God. The church.

But then he had met my mother. And his entire future shifted. Like me, he had chosen love over duty.

Ironic, I know.

The fact he'd been allowed to use the ring to ask my mother to be his wife meant they accepted her in some form and the same went for my parents' approval for me to use the ring to ask Bella to spend the rest of her life with me.

Telling them about the proposal had been interesting though.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

"Father Masen is looking to slow down."

There was a pregnant pause. We knew this was coming. Father Masen was inching closer to 70 and Father Banner had a stroke a few months ago and had to step back as well.

"Well, his joints have been bothering him for a long time, right? So slowing down would definitely be better," I said, as I took a sip of the coffee my mother had brought me. "He's served the church for a long time."

"He has. I wonder who will replace him," my father said, wistful as he spoke. I knew he was trying to be subtle, that he didn't want to point out the obvious.

There was a time when I would've been the one to replace Father Masen. And my father, while trying to accept that this wasn't going to happen now, still had a hard time dealing with that fact.

"Well, I am sure they'll find someone," I answered politely. I wasn't about to delve into the subject, what with my plan to announce I was going to propose to Bella.

Perhaps the timing was off, considering the news he just shared and maybe it was cruel to put the final nail to the proverbial coffin that had held his future dream for me for so long.

A twinge of doubt ran through me.

Perhaps this was not such a good idea. Maybe I had ought to wait longer.

But then when would be a good time to break this news. To announce that I wanted to marry Bella? My father, although he was trying, was never going to be fully satisfied with my decision. He could accept it, respect it but it was never going to fit the picture he had painted in his head a long time ago.

So why spare him now? And why spare him to begin with? One way or the other I was going to marry Bella. With or without his approval.

"I am sure there will be someone who is qualified," my mother agreed with me. "What's that young man's name… the one who occasionally visits from Tacoma? He was ordained last year?"

"Father Benson," my father said. "I don't think he wants to move to Seattle though."

"Well, either way, the church will find someone who can take over some tasks from Bob," my mother said. "They need a new face, some fresh blood. Especially now that poor Father Banner has been ill too."

"Things are changing," my father mused in response.

I knew that wasn't a casual remark. My mother knew it too, because she smiled at me and winked.

"Carlisle, it'll all work out," my mother said. "The future is bright."

Another not so subtle remark.

That was my cue.

"Speaking of things working out… and bright futures," I started.

"...I am going to propose to Bella," I said, dropping the bomb.

My mother, well aware of my plans because we had talked about it more than once in the past few weeks, smirked and nodded.

"Finally!"

My father frowned and remained silent, quietly absorbing the news, it seemed.

"Well, this means you need the ring," my mother beamed.

Not a ring. But THE ring. Her ring.

"Ring?" my father inquired, his brow creased. "What ring?"

"The engagement ring you gave me when you proposed," she said. "I am going to give it to Edward. It is a tradition after all."

"You're giving it to Edward?" my father asked.

"Of course. You know Emmett wouldn't take it because he wanted to buy Rosalie a new one." My mother nodded. "So now Edward can give it to Bella," she said poignantly before she rose to hug me.

She then excused herself, presumably to find said ring.

The atmosphere was tense and quite awkward but I wasn't going to let my father bait me, if that's what his silence was meant to do. He'd tried that kind of manipulation before. This time he simply had to accept that Bella was going to be a permanent part of my life and nothing he'd say or do could change my mind or make me feel bad.

I had to give in to the silence though because it unnerved me. I had to know what he was thinking, even if his opinion wasn't going to change my mind.

I wanted things to be out in the open.

"You're not going to say anything?" I finally asked. "Nothing at all?"

My father flashed me a wry smile.

"What do you expect me to say? That this is the best news I have heard in a long time?"

"Preferably, yes," I said. "But if that's too much then at the very least I want you to accept Bella. To accept that this is my future."

He sighed, another visible sign how hard this was for him.

"What choice do I have?"

I wanted to get angry, as he acted like I had just broke some very bad news, when the opposite was true. When your son told you he was going to marry a wonderful woman, as a parent, weren't you supposed to be happy? Or at least be respectful?

"Look, Dad," I started, ready to give him a piece of my mind, but my mother, who must have overheard, came back into the room and beat me to it.

"What choice do you have? You have the choice between sulking and losing your son or accepting this and be happy for him," she pointed out. In her hand she held a tiny box.

Our eyes met and she smiled, opening the box. It was a simple elegant ring with an oval shaped, green, jade stone that was surrounded by small pearls.

"Here it is." She grinned.

"It's perfect," I said, my eyes glued to the emerald that was sparkling in the box.

"I think Bella will love it," my mother said, as she placed the box in my hands. "I am really happy you are doing this. You and Bella have been through so much, so it's a good thing this is happening now." She smiled, her eyes glistening with tears. She gave me another hug before she excused herself, muttering about being so darn emotional.

I stood there, box in hand, which my father now seemed to be transfixed on. I wished I could read minds just then, hoping to get a glimpse of what he was truly feeling.

But he remained silent and simply stared at the shiny object that had once sealed his own fate.

I decided that I could use that to my advantage. I mean, he couldn't change my mind regardless, but perhaps he could see things my way a little more if I played on his own past choices.

It was manipulative and unfair, I knew that, but still, It was something I had to do. I wanted this ring because it was perfect, but without my father's... approval... or at the very least respect for my decision to ask Bella to be my wife, it would always remain awkward if she wore it.

"I know this ring means a lot to you. That you once were in a similar situation..." I started, before my father snapped out of his trance and looked at me directly.

His blue eyes weren't harsh. They were surprisingly... warm?

"You want my blessing? Approval to use this ring?"

"I want you to respect my decision. You of all people must know what it's like. How I feel. You love Mom so much. You gave up a set future for her. A duty. You still serve the community as a doctor and I want to serve the community too. I want to help people. But even more so, and perhaps that's selfish but I don't care, I want to marry Bella.

"...and I would like for you to be happy for me," I said.

"Edward... I never wanted anything but for you to be happy. I know I have had different ideas of how to accomplish that and that I have treated Bella terribly...

"...I know the fact I apologized to her about that won't make a difference; that she was only graceful enough to accept because of you..."

I heard the words, which seemed sincere enough.

"I love you, you're my son and I respect any choice you make," he said before leaning in to give me a hug.

That surprised me and I felt kind of dazed as he pulled away.

"Besides, she is lucky to have you...

"...and you are lucky to have her too."

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

My father had given his blessing and it was nice, even if I could've done without it. It felt better this way. More harmonious.

Of course, now all I had to do was ask and that proved to be more difficult than I had anticipated. Not because I was nervous or backing out, but because I wanted it to be special.

I had contemplated to practice in front of a mirror but that didn't seem very natural. On the other hand I also didn't want to blurt out a random proposal like a rambling idiot.

Apart from the words I'd use, there was also the matter of location. I mean... this was a once in a lifetime thing, so the "where" was relevant to the entire picture.

I contemplated asking Bella at home, since that was the place we both felt most comfortable. We had been looking at some more "family friendly" houses, with white picket fences and a yard, possibly to raise children in some day, but for now we were both still content to live in what was once my dull, monotone, lifeless apartment.

It was truly our home now and asking Bella to become my wife there seemed befitting. But then, it was also rather plain.

However, if I had to "lure" her somewhere, I'd need a good reason to make sure she wouldn't be suspicious.

And Bella hated surprises.

"Edward? Is everything alright?"

I looked up and found a very pregnant Siobhan standing in the doorway of my office, looking at me expectantly.

The office was really a former large supply closet and since I only helped out here at the Faith, Hope and Solace center part time that was all I needed.

"Yes, I just spaced out." I chuckled.

"Happens to me too, but for different reasons," she said as she gestured at her bump.

I smiled. "Pregnancy brain?"

Bella had told me about that.

"It drives Liam nuts. Anyway, I probably interrupted you thinking about that proposal again?" She smiled as she shifted from foot to foot. She was big now... like almost ready to give birth and while it surely looked uncomfortable, Siobhan never complained.

I had to say, that stereotype of pregnant women glowing, was really true and sometimes, when I looked at Siobhan, glowing and beaming as she showed off her growing baby bump to people, I imagined Bella instead.

Something to look forward to in our future.

"Edward?"

"I did it again, didn't I?"

Siobhan laughed and nodded. "Yup. You know, I think you should just ask. From what I know of Bella, she doesn't care about making a big deal of things. Just ask her to be your wife and I am sure she'll say yes."

Siobhan had a point, but that was the exact reason why I wanted to make a big deal. Bella deserved for it to be a big deal and considering the fact I was only going to do this once in my life, because I only ever wanted to marry Bella and be with her forever, it had to be special.

It was strange how things had turned out for me, for us. Not just because only a few years ago I was ready to commit myself to the Catholic Church instead of a woman, but also because I had almost ruined our future together a few months earlier.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

"_Africa?"_

_I nodded. Africa. A continent of poverty, of helplessness. If there was ever a place where I could help out and get some perspective on life, it would be there._

"_For_ _three months, yes. Liam was going to go with Siobhan, but now that she's expecting, it's not safe. He wasn't going to go because he worries about Siobhan, but she insisted he makes the trip anyway. And he wants to go now, before the baby is born."_

_I gauged Bella's reaction, expecting her to… I wasn't sure of what I was expecting. Anger, sadness... all the five stages of grief. Surely she understood though, that something had to give between us. That we couldn't go on like this forever. WE had to force a change._

"_When would you leave?"_

"_Soon. In two weeks. I know it's short notice but Liam and Siobhan were surprised with the pregnancy news and ..."_

_Two weeks. In two weeks I would leave this place. My comfort zone. My home._

_There was a part of me that was screaming for me not to do this. Telling me not to go. That I could expand my horizon right here. That leaving Bella was ridiculous._

_But the larger part, the part that even felt a little excited to go on this adventure - the obviously selfish part - convinced me that this was the right thing to do._

_"Don't you need shots and stuff for malaria?" Bella started babbling "I think those need more than two weeks to take effect. I am no doctor but it's really short notice..."_

_I could sense her panic and I wanted to take it away. I wanted her to understand. I needed her to._

_"Liam says that if I start taking malaria pills now and get a shot for some other diseases like hepatitis within the next few days, I should be fine. He is emailing me the info."_

_"I could go with you," Bella suggested._

_I watched her as she spoke the words and I could tell she was completely serious. I had no doubt she meant what she said. And a part of me certainly wanted to say yes._

_But the reality wasn't that simple. Bella couldn't travel with me. There was a practical aspect; this was a charity trip that was partially paid for by church donations and barely covered travel expenses for two people, let alone three. Bella made enough money and I had a trust fund so it wasn't that expenses were a huge issue but..._

_Okay, the practical aspect was bogus. But still, there was a "church" - aspect. This was an initiative that was built on Catholic beliefs. Something that Bella - justifiably so - couldn't exactly relate to._

"_Bella, I don't think that's a good idea. This is a missionary trip. Partially sponsored by donations to the FHS center. Most days will be filled with digging through mud to build a school and a small medical center. The circumstances will be very primitive…"_

_"I have lived on the streets, Edward," Bella pointed out. "I think I can handle 'primitive'."_

I_ nodded. She'd seen and experienced enough tragedy to be able to handle dire circumstances. And she was obviously not going to make this easy for me._

_I probably would have been offended if she had though._

_"I know that. But this is a church driven trip and you're…"_

_"I am what?" Bella challenged. "Not good enough?"_

_I shook my head. "That's not what I meant to imply. It's just… I… This….I need to do this alone."_

_"You don't want me to come?"_

_Hearing the words coming from her lips was heartbreaking. Words I never expected to be exchanged between us. Bella and I were not supposed to break up. Things were not supposed to end between us._

_And here I was. Ending things between us. Willingly so._

"_You want to break up," Bella tested the words and I could tell she had a hard time uttering them._

_I couldn't blame her; they were awful, painful, gut wrenching words. But that didn't stop me from seeing this through._

"_I think it would be better, yes," I admitted._

"_Better. How could it possibly be better?" Bella muttered._

_I could feel her retreating, as her body showed all the signs of someone having a hard time keeping their emotions in check. I could almost sense the start of the pain that was starting to build. The idea of not seeing her on a daily basis was extremely painful._

_But there was also the greater good. The greater good being our individual wellbeing. Right now, we were enabling each other; slowly sucking each other into a dark hole. That wasn't the happy life we both wanted._

"_We need space. We both have issues and it seems that together, right now, we are only making them worse."_

"_So breaking up will make it better?" Bella huffed, as she crossed her arms, clearly trying to give off the posture of someone not caring._

_But I knew her well enough to know it was all for show. The walls of protection going high up to prevent her true feelings from escaping._

"_Okay, I guess that's that then. It's over." Bella shrugged. "By all means, go. See if I care."_

_I flashed her a sad smile. "Don't do that," I murmured. "Don't pretend you don't care because you think it can make me stay. You know I have to do this."_

_Bella rolled her eyes but in those eyes, those doe eyed chocolate orbs I noticed glistening tears._

_She was not as indifferent as she pretended to be. Nor was I..._

"_Bella," I said, reaching out._

"_You are really leaving," she whispered, sounding so lost. Her true feelings were seeping through and they tugged on my heart strings. Maybe I was wrong for doing this… maybe I should stay._

_But if I stayed, what would happen then? I would continue to be lost in my inability to secure a future and Bella would continue to be haunted by her past. We would end up resenting each other. And once that happened, there would be nothing left for us to return to. All the good, still salvageable now, would be destroyed._

"_I think we need some time. We both need to figure out what we want. And doing it together doesn't seem to be working. We've been back from Chicago for over three months and you are still waking up every night screaming, refusing to seek help. I am stuck with the question of what I want to do with my future. I am unable to finish my dissertation and…"_

"_And going to Africa will fix all that?" Bella said sarcastically. "I think you're just running."_

_Was I running? Perhaps? But I denied it anyway._

"_I'm not running. This is something that has come on my path now and I want to take this chance. Maybe it'll help me figure out what I want."_

"_Which is not me," Bella murmured sadly, as she seemed to choke back tears._ "_We can do that together," she insisted, her voice thick with emotion. "You can have space; you can go to Africa. I'll wait."_

_I reached out and cupped Bella's cheek, wanting to touch her, to feel her. I could see her hesitation, but she ultimately leaned into me._

"_Bella," I whispered. "We can't go on like this forever. We are enabling each other. I love you so much; more than you might realize but we'll end up hating each other if we go on like this."_

_It was the truth. A harsh terrible truth. The love that was supposed to heal her... love that was supposed to teach me... it was destroying us now._

_"We don't have to break up," she pointed out, showing she was willing to do whatever it took to salvage our relationship._

"_You can go to Africa and I'll wait here," Bella emphasized again._

_I flashed her a sad smile. "Believe me when I say that I wish it were that simple but you never know what might happen in the time that I am away," I said. "I can't ask you to wait for me, when I don't even know what will happen during my absence. We can't look into the future, Bella."_

_Bella snorted. "It is that simple. You want some time apart. I can give you that time."_

_I shook my head "It's not just about time. It's about figuring things out. Look, I hate being selfish but I have no clue of where I stand or what I want."_

"_And that includes me," Bella whispered._

_More truths. Cold, harsh truths. I was lost and Bella was no longer enough of a sanctuary._

_I leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I love you. I want to be with you. But right now, our issues are slowly pulling us apart. It's not healthy. I wish I didn't have to leave. I wish we could go on and be happy, but I am not happy, Bella. And neither are you."_

"_You're not… happy?" Bella murmured. It wasn't exactly a secret that the going was getting tough but I didn't think that we couldn't fix that together._

"_No, right now… I am not," I said, hating how the words sounded. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes and willed myself not to cry. "And neither are you."_

_Bella sighed, taking a deep breath. "That changes things."_

"_Maybe when I get back from Africa, we can reassess. Maybe things will be better then. But if we don't start working on things and keep on going like we are now, then eventually we will break up permanently. Taking a break now gives us a chance."_

"_It seems to be so easy for you to leave," Bella pointed out. "You have already made up your mind, so it's done. We break up and if in three months you return and decide that you need more time, what happens then?"_

"_I don't know," I admitted. "But you're wrong. This is not easy at all. It's incredibly hard. You think I want to leave you?"_

_Then don't leave, you fool! A part of me screamed. Don't be an idiot! Stay and work on things!_

_I hated ignoring that voice because it was tempting to give into the desire to stick my - our- heads in the sand once more and hope that time would be enough to fix things. But reality was cruel and I was selfish._

"_Then why?" Bella asked. _"_Why can't we be together? Like I said, I don't mind if you want to go away for a few months…"_

_She was trying... trying to be accommodating. To show her support. Trying to hold on to me. To us._

_"I'd miss you, sure but I wouldn't demand that you call me constantly... I just want to be together," Bella offered lamely. "I want to be sure that when you come back… you come back to me..._

_"Please don't do this," Bella begged._

"_Bella, please," I begged too. "Remember how you had to learn how to be independent in a healthy way… organically. You found your 'thing' in cooking... I need to find my thing too. Tell me you understand... Please give me time. For the past months I have given you the same respect…"_

_Could I ask this of her? Ask her for understanding. For allowing and accepting my selfishness?_

_It was a huge sacrifice on her part, but had I not sacrificed things too?_

"_Don't," she warned. "Don't turn this around. I know I have been a fucking mess since we've gotten back from Chicago. And I know you have always been there for me and that while I wish it were different I failed to be there for you. But don't talk to me about fucking respect. If you want to end things, end things. But don't try and make this into an agreement…_

"…_because I sure as fucking hell don't understand. And I don't agree."_

"_Bella."_

_Bella rose and put distance between us._

"_I am not evil or selfish and I am sorry if tried to influence you with my emotions to make you change your mind," she murmured. "If you want to go to Africa, go. I can't stop you and it would make me a fucking evil person if I held you back."_

"_Bella I…"_

"_Just go," she whispered._

_I moved towards Bella and wrapped her into my arms, feeling the shaking of her body as she cried. _

"_Please don't do this." Bella sobbed. "Go to Africa, go find yourself and come back to me."_

_I hugged her tightly, hoping this was all worth it._

_Of course, only time would tell._

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

The break-up, initiated by me, had been a foolish attempt to regain control of a future that had shifted so permanently and a life that had been turned upside down completely when Bella had come into it. It wasn't that I didn't love her, I did… so much, it was about finding myself and I had gone about that in a rash and idiotic way.

I didn't fully regret going though. When I had left, I'd been convinced it was the right thing to do. And while it didn't feel that way looking back now, I still believed that my absence had served some purpose for both of us.

During my time away, Bella had finally started dealing with her problems and while a lot of my time in Africa had been spent regretting my decision to leave and missing Bella, it had also offered a new perspective.

Now we were stronger than ever and I was going to ask her to become my wife.

I had certainly not expected that when I'd left.

**FLASHBACK**

_Thud Thud Thud._

_My head banged against the side of the plane as it landed on the gravel runway. I gazed out the window and watched at least a dozen young African children ran toward what had to be an iron monster to them. I could hear their cheers, their beckoning and noticed some who stayed back and looked suspiciously at these strangers to their habitat._

_I turned and noticed how Liam's pose was similar to mine. He was glued to the window, waving at the people that had gathered on his side of the small plane. He looked calm and amused, while I felt as though my stomach was tied in knots._

_I felt momentarily stupid and dazed as the plane halted to a stop. What had I been thinking coming here on a whim? Liam had been very enthusiastic when he told me about his previous travels and two weeks ago that enthusiasm had been infectious. But now, as reality started to sink in, all I could think of was Bella._

_What was she doing? How was she feeling? Did she hate me now? Did she miss me?_

_I definitely missed her._

_I sighed and shook my head. I shouldn't be thinking like this, it wasn't fair to her. I wanted to be here, this had been my choice. Looking back in regret would serve no one. Bella and I both needed time to figure things out, to escape the monsters from our pasts. It was right to be here, I just had to focus on that._

_"You okay?"_

_I looked at Liam and nodded, plastering a smile on my face as I unbuckled._

_"Bumpy ride, no?"_

_I nodded. He had no idea_.

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

After arriving in Uganda, we'd been taken to Kyazanga, the village we'd be staying for about six weeks before moving on to Namibia, also for six weeks.

Our accommodation had turned out to be appropriately primitive. A small cottage that was made of mud and straw.

The circumstances had been similarly primitive. During the day it was hot and at night it was cool enough to need a blanket. Working to help build a school for the village had not been an idyllic, missionary experience. We had to be aware of militants raiding villages in the area. There were deadly mosquitoes. The sun had been a powerful enemy as well, as several workers had fallen ill to sunstroke.

And that had only been the first week.

But no one had complained. There hadn't been any time to anyway, but also, it would've been incredibly inappropriate and insensitive. The village people struggled to try and stay afloat in life, often without fresh water or enough food.

So who would we have been to complain about the dire circumstances, when their entire life was like this day in, day out?

The first week had been a blur of impressions for me. There had been so much to take in, so much to experience. We'd met the local people and worked with them, planning the build of the school.

It had been exciting and exhausting and my initial worry that it had been the wrong decision to go on this adventure somewhat dissipated.

There had been moments, albeit fleeting, where I had missed Bella, but overall I'd been so overwhelmed with everything, that there had been little time to dwell.

Except at night. The nights had been tough. The time spent alone, in my tent, staring at the shadows on the cotton, thinking of what Bella might be doing, calculating the time difference over and over...

That had been excruciating. And in the weeks after, that feeling had only become stronger. I'd been missing something; a vital part of myself.

It just took me some time to figure that out.

The second, third and fourth week had been spent knee deep in mud, brick and stones, surrounded by enthusiastic Ugandans who were eager to help us strange Americans with building the school. We hadn't been the only volunteers in the village though and worked together with a project called "House of Hope".

With my days filled with working hard, you'd think I would've been too tired to think about anything at night. That everything I'd left behind in Seattle would move to the background. That I would slowly forget about Bella completely.

But the opposite had happened.

We had been in Namibia for a few weeks, after leaving Uganda where we had finished building the school.

In Namibia, we had been welcomed just as warmly and the first few weeks had been similar to the ones in Uganda. During the day I had thrown myself into the routine of helping to build a medical center, while at night all I thought about was Bella.

At the end of the third week in Namibia, I'd gotten sick. Fever, sweating, not being able to eat and drink a lot. I'd been absolutely miserable. Even more so because I'd been alone, in my tent, drenching in my own body odor, while life – if that's what one could call it, went on without me.

The fever induced delirium I had found myself in, made me see Bella everywhere.

And not just Bella…

**FLASHBACK**

_The cotton of the tent showed strange shadows. Unnerving shadows. They weren't the shadows I had gotten used to during my time here._

_I tried to make sense of their shape, but they changed so swiftly, that it made me nauseous. Why was the tent spinning?_

_Or was it me?_

_I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I tried to concentrate on something positive but my mind couldn't find anything good to focus on._

_My skin felt clammy and my throat was dry. But the idea of drinking even more water made me want to vomit. I felt full and empty at the same time and the mattress I lay on and the mosquito net that was protecting me from catching deadlier diseases, felt like my pyre._

_I felt trapped and I wanted to go outside to get some fresh air._

_But getting up was impossible._

_Making sense of time was impossible._

_When I opened my eyes again, everything was still spinning. It was like being on a carousel, except without the colorful horses to sit on and the carnival music to accompany the ride._

_I was dizzy and I was seeing things. Rapidly moving images shifted in front of me. It felt like watching a slide projector._

_My father. My mother. Emmett. Rosalie, but only briefly before everything stopped with the next mirage._

_Bella._

_She was here, in the tent with me._

_"Bella?" I whispered._

_A small rational part in my brain reminded me she wasn't actually here. But given the fact that time had lost its meaning to me and I had no idea how long I'd been feeling this way, it was easier to believe she was here._

_I called out to her image again, but she didn't answer. So I took a moment to drink in her perfect heart shaped face, full lips that were smiling at me. That kissable mouth that seemed to whisper my name, although I couldn't actually hear it._

_My eyes landed on hers; those doe eyes that were boring into mine, beckoning me for something though it was difficult to decipher what it was._

_They were shining at first but then, as I stared a little longer, they seemed to grow sadder._

_"What's wrong?" I managed to choke out, but Bella just shook her head, never answering my question._

_And then, as fast as she had appeared, she was gone._

_In her place was Jacob. Smiling cheekily like only my childhood best friend could._

_"Looking good, man," he spoke, trying to hold back laughter._

_I wondered briefly why it was him who actually spoke to me and not Bella. I was vaguely aware that it was the fever that made me see them to begin with and that none of this was real, but still._

_"I feel like crap," I whispered, causing Jacob to chuckle._

_"You look like crap too, Eddie."_

_"I hate that name," I muttered._

_"I know you do," he said, as he stretched out beside me, fingering the cotton of the tent. "So… Africa?"_

_"Yes, Africa."_

_"Gotta say, man, I liked your last choice better."_

_"Last choice?"_

_"Bella. She's pretty hot, smart, kinda mouthy. I like that she challenges you."_

_"You can't know that… you're… dead," I said, my voice hoarse._

_"Maybe so, but you're the one who's talking to me."_

_"I am sick," I pointed out. "You're not real…_

_"Are you?"_

_He shook his head. "Figment of your imagination. Or dream… I am not sure how this completely works. Anyway, like I said… I prefer Bella over Africa."_

_"I… had to go."_

_Jacob snorted. "You didn't. But you have always been good at running."_

_His comment surprised me, because if there was one thing I never did – at least not to my own knowledge - was run. But Jacob seemed to disagree. So had Bella. When I had told her I was going to Africa she had accused me of running too, something I had dismissed at the time._

_"I am not running," I countered weakly. "I'm not."_

_Okay, so I was still dismissing it now..._

_"Then why are you here? What's it you think you'll find?"_

_That was the million dollar question. Was I looking for something, or was I truly just running from what I had left behind?_

_"I... a future I guess."_

_My friend nodded but didn't speak which I interpreted as him being angry for me bringing up the fact I still had opportunities in life while he never would. I also wondered if he disapproved of the fact I was giving up a future as a priest, because he had sacrificed himself for that exact reason._

_"I am sorry, Jake. I... I decided I don't want to be a priest. So you died for nothing."_

_Jake snorted. "You believe that? You believe I died so that you could become a priest? Or is it the fever talking?"_

_I frowned as I watched my best friend chuckling to himself, briefly wondering if he would disappear if I reached out to touch him._

_"Probably both," I said._

_"Well, fever or no fever, you have to stop blaming yourself for something out of your control. My death was an accident. It sucked, but it had nothing to do with you or your future._

_"And for the record, your future is not here. It's in Seattle, with Bella."_

_With those words he absolved me of a burden I'd carried all these years. And suddenly it all made sense._

_Leaving Bella, running to Africa._

_Yes, I was running, running from the guilt of feeling responsible for my best friend's death. Running from the guilt of abandoning a future that had been designed to honor his memory._

_For so long I had believed that becoming a priest was a calling. God's way of telling me that I was chosen to spread His word. Chosen because he had spared me._

_By choosing another future, subconsciously it had felt as if Jacob had died in vain._

_The truth, of course, was much simpler. Jacob's death had been an accident. A tragic and sad accident. Even Bella had pointed out at some point that it didn't have some profound message._

_With that realization, delirium induced or not, I knew my future lay wide open and that was not a bad thing._

_Not something to run from._

_"I need to go home," I whispered._

_Jacob nodded. "You do. And so do I."_

_"I miss you, Jake."_

_He smiled. "Still an emo boy I see."_

_"Jake..."_

_"Since this is all in your head anyway, I can tell you I miss you too." He grinned before patting my shoulder._

_And then he was gone, his laughter echoing through the tent - or was that my head - long after._

****STILL A (DIFFERENT) FLASHBACK****

_I watched as Liam played soccer with a group of kids. He was laughing and teasing; his usual open, spontaneous self. I wondered how disappointed he would be when I told him it was time for me to go home._

_Jacob's appearance, while a side-effect of my fever and illness, had made an impact and left me with an epiphany._

_All week, as I slowly recovered and physically felt better every day, I had been contemplating, weighing my options but the conclusion had never changed._

_I had to go home._

_Home to Bella._

_Since I had seen her and Jacob when I was sick, I'd been seeing her everywhere. When I closed my eyes, she was there; her image etched into my memory._

_My love. My life._

_I didn't fully regret my time here; how could I? I had done some good after all by helping build the school and now the medical center. Although I wouldn't see it finished._

_Still, the decision to come here had been made on a whim, thinking it would fix Bella and me. But the truth was, I had no idea what I'd find when I'd get home._

_I could only hope Bella would still want me like I wanted her._

_I got shaken out of my thoughts by a sweaty Liam who was clasping my shoulder, smiling broadly._

_"You're not joining in?"_

_I shook my head. "I… need to talk to you."_

_He chuckled as he brushed off some sand. "I have been wondering when this was coming."_

_I frowned. "What do you mean?"_

_"Edward, man, no offence. But you are very transparent."_

_"So you know…" I started._

_"That you are about to tell me that you are going home? Yes, I know." He smiled._

_"I am sorry, I just… need to go. Though I hate not finishing what I started."_

_Liam smiled. "You know, in a way it's good you're leaving. You came here to experience something new and you did. It's always good to get a few new impressions about life and the world."_

_"But I am not exactly closer to figuring out what I want from life... I mean, besides Bella…" I struggled. "Professionally, there is no new perspective."_

_Liam nodded. "You're a smart guy Edward. Wise beyond your years. But that's just it; you are also 'just' 24. You have your life ahead of you. There is no need to figure it all out right now. It'll all come to you in time."_

_"I know, but all I ever thought about becoming was a priest but that entire future has shifted now."_

_"Do you regret that?"_

_I shook my head fiercely. "No. No, absolutely not. I know what I am giving up and Bella is my life now. But…"_

_"But you still want to be involved in Catholicism. Professionally, I mean?"_

_I nodded. "I always enjoyed being involved in church activities. Aside from wanting to become a priest at one time, I was very active at St. Joseph's. I sang in their choir. Joined in on discussion groups, charity events... but then Bella came into my life and I focused all my energy on her..._

_"...I don't regret that one bit and she has taught me to look at things less rigidly... a lot less rigidly, but still..."_

_"Edward, there is always a place for you with God. In whatever form or shape you want," Liam tried to assure me._

_I nodded. "I know that, but Bella... She... has issues with religion, so it's hard to unify the two."_

_"You know, you can have a dual relationship; with Bella and with the church... I mean, look at me and Siobhan..._

_"...She was the proper, literal Catholic schoolgirl when I met her and I was the motor cycle driving, bad boy that was a supposed bad influence on her, despite the fact I sat in a church pew across from her every Sunday."_

_I nodded, although it wasn't that simple for Bella and I._

_Unlike Siobhan, Bella wasn't religious and didn't want to be._

_Her Catholic upbringing wasn't associated with good things, only bad._

_I knew the whole gruesome tale now, about the times Aro had violated her IN church._

_Therefore I couldn't - and didn't - expect her to join in my faith the way Siobhan and Liam did._

_After we had returned from Chicago and the nightmares had gotten worse, Bella had told me more about the despicable things that monster had done. After that, I had fully understood why she disliked church and everything related to it so much._

_"My point, Edward, is that at that age, all I wanted was that girl. Right now; all you are sure of, is your girl..._

_"So... go home to her."_

* * *

_I fidgeted, waiting. What would Bella say or do if she saw me here? Would she be happy? I really doubted that._

_I had left her to chase the unknown only to come to the conclusion that I wanted her._

_While the idea of seeing Bella again thrilled me, I worried about her reaction._

_How was I to explain that I loved her and wanted her back? Would she accept that or kick me out?_

_I sighed, hoping to keep the nerves at bay; an impossible feat because nausea was building in the pit of my stomach. That might be a partial effect of having a jetlag but for the most part I was worried about how Bella would react._

_And I was about to find out._

_I heard the door click and there she stood._

_My love, my life._

_Her rosy cheeks were giving off a deceptively healthy image. But that was just the effect of the cool outside air._

_An illusion._

_I wasn't oblivious to the fact that she had lost weight. Nor could I ignore the dark circles under her eyes._

_I had done that to her._

"_Bella..."_

_Her name filled the void between us and I couldn't help but love the way it felt rolling off my tongue. I realized just how much I had missed her._

_Bella closed the door of the apartment. I could see her hesitation as she turned back to face me. I wondered if she was angry that I had used my key. Or that she would ask me to leave._

_I watched her as she watched me. And waited. Despite the effects of our break up on her physique, she still looked stunning._

_Thick mahogany hair, deep soulful eyes._

_She was still Bella._

_But was she still "my" Bella?_

_I wanted her to be so very much. I wanted to run toward her and tell her that I had been a complete fool. A fool that didn't deserve her forgiveness but wanted it just the same. I wanted everything but wasn't sure if I could ask._

_Seconds passed and Bella remained silent and thoughtful as she remained by the door. For a moment I thought she might turn around and leave._

_Like me, she watched. And waited. Drinking me in, like I was reacquainting myself with every part of her._

_Her chocolate eyes, the ones that had haunted me so many nights, observed; narrowing and widening, softening and hardening all at once._

_Bella was weighing her options._

_And then she smiled and I felt relief course through me._

_A smile wasn't an immediate rejection._

_I flashed her a wide smile in return, although I knew it was too soon to appropriately determine the gesture. Perhaps she was happy to see me; perhaps she was just polite because I was in her home._

_But was this still my home too? Did she still want it to be?_

_There were so many questions._

_Bella put down her satchel and nodded in greeting as she approached me carefully._

_She didn't come closer and chose the armchair that was furthest away, keeping enough distance between us._

_Bella wanted distance. I certainly couldn't blame her for that, but it hurt._

_Perhaps it had been presumptuous to think that a smile meant the door to her heart was still ajar._

_"Edward," she said._

_I wanted to smile again because it was so wonderful to hear my name coming from her lips._

"_Happy birthday," I said softly, as I held out a sunflower; wilted and tragic looking, which I had purchased at the airport._

_I knew I couldn't make up for anything I'd done with a dying flower and that showing up on her birthday might actually do more damage than good, but I still had to try. Bella had to see I loved her and that I was here to win her back, even if I had let her down before._

_Bella smiled slightly as she took the flower. She grabbed the edge of the stem, obviously careful not to have our hands touch._

_It was obvious she wasn't going to fall into my arms and that she was dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions, as was I._

_Although of one thing I was dead certain; I wanted to be in her life._

_I watched as Bella's hands shook, the flower bobbing from side to side. Her eyes darted from me to the wall behind me, as I waited for her to be the one to speak again._

_I was relieved once more when she finally did._

"_How... uh… when did you get back?" Bella asked, her voice steady but slightly unsure._

"_Just now. I am sorry I look so sloppy. It was a bumpy ride." I chuckled, shaking my head._

_I had travelled from Windhoek, Namibia to Johannesburg in South Africa in a tiny airplane that had been barely equipped to handle the slightest of turbulence. Once I had arrived in Johannesburg, I had to wait for ten hours before I could catch a flight to London._

_The flight to London was long and drawn out by a woman seated next to me who kept asking me why I looked like a bum. Granted, the stubble was severe and I probably smelled. Freshening up in Johannesburg had done little good, it had seemed._

_When I had arrived at Heathrow airport I was exhausted and dying to go home. I didn't remember much about the flight to Seattle as I had spent most of it sleeping._

_In total, it had taken me more than 24 hours to come home, excluding time differences._

_Over a day to be reunited with Bella. But it had been worth it._

"_Well… welcome back," Bella offered. "Your mom will be thrilled you are home."_

_I nodded. "I tried calling her earlier… right after I tried calling you but no one answered."_

"_We were out… dinner… for my birthday. Esme was there," Bella explained._

_I smiled; glad my mother had not rejected Bella after our break up. "I figured as much. Did you have a good day?"_

_Another tiny smile that told me she was not prepared to give me an honest answer._

"_It was fine," she murmured._

_I looked at the clock and noticed it wasn't even 10 PM yet._

_I could still salvage this part. Her birthday could still end on a good note; if she would let me._

_I rose and walked over to the armchair where Bella was sitting, still fidgeting. Her eyes went wide as I approached._

_I kneeled in front of her, still keeping some distance, even though I wanted nothing more but to touch her. But frightening her would do me no good._

_"Well, it's not over yet," I whispered_ _"Happy Birthday Bella."_

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

"Edward...

"...Edward!"

"You are spacing out again. Seriously... what do I need to do to keep your attention?" Siobhan chuckled.

I apologized once again with a cheeky smile. If there was one thing that I'd been doing lately was think of our past, Bella and mine, especially now that I was asking her to become my wife.

"I am sorry."

"You're forgiven." Siobhan winked. "Anyway, the reason I popped in here, is that there is someone here to see you."

Before I could ask who it was, my brother popped up next to Siobhan.

"Hey there, brother!" He greeted me with a grin before he formally introduced himself to the pregnant woman standing next to him.

Siobhan smiled and after some polite small talk she left us alone.

"So... this is the office. It's... like a closet."

I chuckled. "That's because it used to be one. I only work here part time and don't need much more," I explained.

"And what is it you do again?" my brother asked as he went around the tiny space to touch things.

"For now, I am just an extra set of hands. I help Siobhan, who as you can see is very pregnant, with administrative things. And this building is not in the best state, so Liam and I are doing some repairs."

"So, you're a handyman now." My brother chuckled. "Well, Jesus started out as a carpenter, so perhaps it's fitting."

"That has never actually been proven. And I wouldn't compare myself to the son of God..." I trailed off.

"You once did."

I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, Dad once did," Emmett relented. "Anyway, so you're Jack of all trades now. That's cool, so am I."

"I want to help people, Emmett. I am taking part time classes and online courses to become a counselor..."

My brother nodded. "Mom mentioned that. She said you are getting a Psych-degree. Isn't that sort of... weird what with you studying Theology first? Like... can you even do that? Aren't you breaking some holy laws." He chuckled.

I knew he was teasing, because my brother was always teasing.

"It's actually quite common to study both. During my Masters I took a course of Psychology too, you know."

Emmet shrugged. He was never one to care too deeply about details.

"Whatever, man. As long as you're happy. Speaking of happy... when are you going to officially make Bella my sister-in-law?"

"Huh? What do you mean? How did you... Mom?" I guessed.

"Yup. Rosalie and I had dinner with her last night. She said you got 'THE ring' - which I assume is her old engagement ring."

"I do. But only because you never wanted it," I hastened to say.

Emmett smiled. "No worries. Rosalie wanted a real diamond when I proposed, so Mom's little bauble was never of use to me. Anyway, have you asked her yet?"

I shook my head. "Not yet."

"But you're going to... soon?" Emmett pressed.

I hesitated, my earlier dilemma pushed to the forefront. I wanted the proposal to be meaningful. I wanted it to be perfect and that had thus far prevented me from planning an actual moment.

"I uh..."

"Edward, I know you," Emmett said, his voice surprisingly strict. "If you wait too long, you'll start second guessing and then that ring will end up in a bottom drawer somewhere, while you run off to Africa or whatever... again," he pointed out.

Before I could answer, he held up his hand, signaling he wasn't done.

"I mean it, man. You better not mess this up. Bella is the best thing that has ever happened to you. You have come alive around her. I know that you love her. So why wait? Besides I want her as my sister. So, what you'll do is ask her... soon. Like... soon-soon. Or else," he warned halfheartedly.

"Or else what?"

"Or else I am going to do it for you next time I see her. Put you on the spot. And tell her all the horribly embarrassing 'When Edward was a baby' stories Mom ever told me...

"When Edward was a baby, he used to poop his pants whenever he was seated on anyone's lap. Could be nerves, could be he wanted to piss people of," Emmett started rehashing.

"Please stop," I grumbled.

Of course, he didn't.

"When Edward was a baby, he had an odd fascination with carrots and bananas. Hey... in Psychology, aren't phallus-shaped objects associated with-"

"Emmett, stop! If you are done irritating me, should we go to the gym? I assume that's why you are here, to pick me up?"

My brother chuckled and nodded. "Yes. But first... I have some news too..."

"News?"

My brother's face broke out in a wide grin, so I assumed it had to be good news.

"Rosie is pregnant again. We just passed the thirteen week mark." He grinned.

I couldn't help but smile with him. After the tragedy with their last pregnancy, this was wonderful news. A gift.

"That's wonderful news. Congratulations, Emmett," I said as I moved to hug my brother.

"Thanks! We're so happy. As is Mom. She's getting a wedding and a grandbaby...

"...assuming you ask soon," he said poignantly.

"I will," I promised. "I will ask Bella to be my wife soon."

* * *

After Emmett and I had our weekly work out session at the gym - his idea of some brotherly bonding time, which actually I enjoyed - I returned home.

Home. To Bella. To our apartment.

I wasn't surprised to find her by the door. Ever since I had officially moved back in, Bella would often wait by the door for me as soon as she heard the key in the lock.

An after-effect of the trauma that my leaving had caused with her.

She did this to make sure I was really here or maybe there was still a part of her that worried I wasn't coming back at all.

"I heard the key," she explained before she reached out to hug me. I hugged her back fiercely, engulfing her in my embrace, wanting her to feel how much I loved her.

"Hi." she whispered.

"Hi." I smiled, before leaning in to kiss her.

As our lips melted together, I thought of what Emmett had said, of how I supposedly always ran from everything.

Bella and Liam had told me the same thing.

But this time, I wasn't going to run. And I wasn't going to wait.

I just had to come up with a plan to ask. And fast.

"How was your day?" Bella asked as she pulled away only to scrunch her nose as she sniffed.

"You smell." She chuckled, as she took in my attire.

"I didn't shower at the gym," I told her.

It was the everlasting prude inside me, especially when it came to showering with strangers. Unless one of the individual cubicles was available, I still preferred to shower at home. And tonight they had all been occupied.

Unlike Emmett who didn't seem bothered by standing naked with other men, I wasn't a fan.

"Too crowded?" Bella guessed.

I nodded. She knew me well.

"Hmm, that's a shame. Although, perhaps it's not. I don't suppose you now happen to need someone to wash your back?" She smiled seductively as she tugged at my shirt.

I grinned. "It is hard to reach." I pouted, before I dragged her down to the shower.

I guess I wasn't that much of a prude around Bella.

That night I watched Bella sleep contently, her head on my chest and her arms wrapped around me tightly. There was still the occasional nightmare, but for the most part she was doing much better, thanks to therapy and keeping a journal.

I thought about all the nights we had spent apart. My nights in Uganda and Namibia had always been restless, as they had been filled with longing and regret.

I never wanted to feel that way again.

I never wanted to make her feel that way again.

A sudden thought or memory flashed through my mind, as I lay there.

_"Promise me that you'll remember this day. No matter what happens between us, no matter how messy things get, you'll remember? Today can't become a fading memory."_

I remembered that day, on top of the Space Needle. I had promised Bella that I'd never forget it. That it wouldn't become a fading memory.

And that's when I found the perfect location for forever to start.

* * *

The Space Needle was brightly lit and with spring around the corner, the temperature wasn't bad up here.

Perfect for a proposal.

Bella stared at me as the elevator carried us up, curious why I had brought her here. I had told I wanted to take her somewhere special, so perhaps she suspected something but she had yet to ask me questions.

Once we were up there, all alone, we walked to the southwest side which overlooked Puget Sound.

Bella leaned against the railing, while I stood beside her, the ring burning a hole in my pocket. I watched her as she stared into the distance, her chocolate silky hair dancing around her. Her cheeks slowly filled with color as the wind licked at her porcelain skin.

She was breathtaking and as I stared, I considered myself the luckiest man in the world for getting to spend the rest of my life with her.

I briefly wondered what would have been, if we had never met that day at the community center. If she hadn't been standing there in a barely there outfit, drawing my attention.

Bella had turned my life upside down. Stole a future and replaced it with a better one.

My eyes found her lips and I watched as they slipped into a small smile of contentment.

Bella was happy.

"You're staring," she commented. "Stop doing that."

I reached around and moved behind her so I could wrap my arms around her waist. "I like watching you."

"So... why did you bring me up here?" she finally asked. "You mentioned 'special' and I agree. It is special. But what's the occasion?" she wondered.

"Do I need a reason?" I asked her coyly.

"No, you don't. But when you tell a girl you are taking her somewhere special, she is going to wonder just what the reason is?"

I frowned. I still had a hard time following relationship rules sometimes. Bella did too, but she was a lot more up to date on 'normal' couple behavior.

Maybe we weren't normal though and I was more than okay with that.

"I am sorry," Bella said as she turned to look at me, taking in my confused look. "I am glad you brought me up here, I like it."

I held her tighter and kissed her in my favorite spot under her earlobe.

"I love you," I whispered against her skin before I pulled back to look at her.

"I love you too." Bella smiled but there was a flicker of pain that was so brief it could have gone unnoticed but I saw it.

I was the cause of it.

"I am sorry," I said, the words so familiar now. I had apologized a lot in the last six months.

"For what?" she asked, seemingly confused.

"For leaving. For hurting you so much," I told her. "For..."

Bella shook her head and held up her hand to stop me.

"Edward, stop. It happened, it's over. We don't need to revisit," she warned me. "You have apologized enough."

I knew it was painful for her to think about, which was the exact reason I wanted to.

She had to know how much I loved her and that I was never going to leave her again.

"But I nearly destroyed us and the thought of that..." I whispered. "I have been such a fool."

"Please. Don't do this. We have talked about this over and over. It's done. You needed time to figure out what you wanted, and you did, and you came back to me... It hurt but I also needed a good kick in the butt to work through my issues..."

She touched my cheek and smiled a little. "Look at us; we have been through so much. But we have come out stronger and the time is now Edward," she pointed out. "I am done living in the past."

It was like she was encouraging me to ask.

I nodded. "I couldn't agree more," I said.

I dug in my pockets and my fingers found the box that contained the treasure I'd use to claim my own.

_Bella's heart._

I pulled it out, keeping a death grip on it while I sank to one knee.

Bella's eyes went wide as she watched what I was doing. As she spotted the box in my hand.

"Edward?"

I took a deep breath and started talking. There were no rehearsed words, it was all right there "in the moment", straight from my heart.

"Isabella Swan. The last time we were up here, you made me promise you I would never forget that day and I never did...

"I remember your awe at the view; I remember how your hair danced in the wind, like it is doing now. How your cheeks flushed and - while I didn't wanted to admit it then, how badly I wanted to kiss you."

Bella's eyes were getting misty and shifted between my face and the box in my hand.

"I love you," I told her. "I think, somehow, maybe I have always loved you..."

Another deep breath.

"I remember Bella, I remember everything. The first time I saw you, the first time you spoke to me. You haunted me instantly. Your beauty, your voice. Even your attire," I said. "I was attracted to you so badly, even if I dared not admit it to myself or anyone else," I admitted, to which an emotional Bella flashed a brief smirk.

"I knew it," she teased but then her expression shifted. The smirk was replaced by a serious look. A determined look.

"Edward, get up," Bella urged, as she grabbed my jacket sleeve to pull me up. "Don't do it. Not like this."

I frowned, and felt the sting of rejection. It made me nauseous.

Was Bella going to say no? I mean, we hadn't ever really specified our beliefs about marriage but I'd never gotten the impression she was against the institution.

My heart hammered and I worried it would beat out of my chest.

"Bella?" I asked meekly, acutely aware of how she could break me with one word.

_No._

"Edward, I spent years on my knees and seeing you do it, even if its tradition just doesn't seem right. Please get up and ask me while I can look you in those gorgeous, jade eyes." She smiled.

I sighed deeply, relief coursing through me.

"Like I'd ever say no," Bella huffed playfully, as if she could read my mind.

And I understood. She didn't want me on my knees because she associated that with a past she so desperately wanted to leave behind.

I rose and took her hand, while balancing the velvet box in my other palm.

"Can I continue now?" I winked.

Bella nodded, her eyes getting watery again. "Please," she whispered.

"I can use pretty words to tell you how I feel. Before you, my life was essentially like an endless ocean in which I was coasting. Drifting…

"...I was waiting for something. I think I was waiting for you."

Tears streamed down Bella's flushed cheeks now.

"Everything I thought I knew flew out the window when you came into my life. And now the thought of not knowing you, of not having you in my life... that wouldn't be a life worth living... You turned my life upside down and I never want it to shift focus again...

"...I am rambling." I chuckled, my voice starting to get thick with emotion. Bella chuckled too.

"I like it," she said. "Tell me more."

"I think you were my destiny. It wasn't not becoming a priest because of Jacob's death. It wasn't to devote my life to spreading His word because that was what was expected of me. It was you. Meeting you, helping you.

"And you helping me. But that's over now. We are no longer buddies in a self-help program. You are not an example of what my life could be like… You _are_ my life."

"You're mine too," she said.

I let go of her hand for a moment to cup her cheek.

"I want the for better or worse. In sickness and health. To love and to cherish," I whispered as I leaned in close. "I want you forever, Bella, for as long as that is. I want to call you my wife and someday the mother of my children. I want all that and I hope you want that too."

My hand left her cheek so I could open the box. Then, I took her hand again. I held the box up a little, so Bella could see the ring. My mother's ring. The ring that had burned in my pocket for weeks as I'd waited for the right moment to ask.

"Edward," Bella gasped. "It's... like the color of your eyes," she whispered as she reached out to touch it softly.

"It's the ring my father proposed to my mother with," I said as I took it out of the box, which I gently tossed onto the ground. "He too probably thought it resembled her eyes. It was his mother's and hers before that.

"Bella," I said as I held it out.

She still had to say yes.

"A family heirloom," she whispered. "Does your family... how do they feel about you using it?"

"They know. My mother was simply delighted to give it to me. And my father knows. I could care less of what he truly thinks but he said he wants me - us - to be happy…

"…so please, make me happy." I chuckled nervously.

"I love you," Bella said as she stared at me. Her hand reached out to cup my face. "You don't know how long I have waited for you," she murmured.

"Tell me yes," I whispered as I pried her hand from my cheek and held it out, so I could put the ring in place as soon as she said the word.

"Yes," Bella whispered as more tears escaped her eyes. "It'll always be yes."

I smiled, choking back my own tears as I slid the ring onto her hand.

"Perfect fit," I smiled through my tears.

"Just like us," Bella whispered as she eyed it for a moment, before looking back at me.

I grinned and reached for her waist, pulling her close to me.

"Just like us," I agreed before kissing her for the first time as my fiancée.

* * *

**Okay, here it is...final regular chapter (with lots of flashbacks, sorry if that confused anyone ;)**

**Not going to say goodbye just yet, we still have an epilogue left. And thanks to the suggestion of thisusernameisnottaken (brilliant name by the way) to do some outtakes of Bella's diary, I am considering extending this story just a little, with a few outtakes in the future. But the main story will wrap with the epilogue, which I hope to publish before or on Dec 31st. **

**As always, many thanks for all the support. Thank you to everyone who either reads, comments, suggests, recs, or does all those things. Special thanks to my BETA and friend Parama, who managed to check this chapter before Christmas.**

**Happy Holidays! I hope you all get to spend it with your loved ones :)**


	60. Epilogue: The Face of Love

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

**This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.**

* * *

**EPILOGUE: The Face of Love**

_Bring on the wonder  
Bring on the song  
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long_

_Susan Enan – Bring On The Wonder_

My mother and these boxes. I didn't mind being charitable and I knew how much it meant to her to help out at the community center, but I was starting to feel like an old man with a bad back from carrying all these boxes.

_Stop, complaining, Edward. There are people who have nothing_, I chided myself. _No need for self pity._

"Excuse me," I spoke, when I realized someone was blocking the entrance of the community center. I spotted a blur of mahogany but the box I carried was large and almost entirely blocking my view.

"Sorry," a voice muttered.

It was a girl.

I shifted the box, so I could see her properly. It seemed like the polite thing to do, instead of talking through the barrier of carton in my hands.

Once my vision was clear, I might as well have been blinded instead.

The girl... she looked like an angel. But then she was also the devil in disguise.

Her face was the angelic part. Heart shaped and porcelain. Symmetric and beautiful.

_Huh?_

What was I doing? I never looked at girls this way. I spent time with them, sure, at campus or in church, but I never ascertained their beauty. I never let my eyes wander and linger. That was not me.

This girl however... it seemed impossible not to drink her in and get lost in her features.

My eyes roamed over her full lips which had been colored with some bright red lipstick.

And then there were _her_ eyes; a swirl of gold and chocolate. Warm, alluring.

_Inviting._

But then there was the devil part. If you got past the face; the softness, the appetizing cream and roses of her skin, there was her body.

A well proportioned body, no doubt. But the way it was accentuated.

In leather. Sinful, dangerous leather. And it barely covered the girl appropriately.

Her legs, which were very long, were practically bare. She wore boots with high heels, but they didn't reach much higher than her mid calves. There were pants, if that's what you could call them, since they were very short.

Very short. I had never seen a woman wear them.

At least her upper body seemed to be covered a little more. The leather jacket was protecting her arms from the cold air, but the shirt underneath showed... _cleavage._

_Inviting._

"Isn't that outfit a little chilly?" I blurted, feeling completely out of my element.

"I uh…" she stuttered in response. Clearly my rudeness had caught her off guard.

_Obviously not, Edward._

I smiled, trying to salvage my moment of idiocy, of having the audacity to mind this girl's business. But still... why would someone, in this weather, intentionally dress as if it were summer?

It made no sense to me.

Still, it wasn't my business, now was it? If the girl wanted to dress this way...

I debated whether or not I should apologize but her outfit proved to be a distraction. It provoked something deep inside me, awakening unfamiliar sensations.

I couldn't place it; the strange physical reaction this girl elicited from me.

I tried not to look at her but failed and allowed my eyes to roam her body once more. That only strengthened the sensations. It was like I was being pulled into an abyss. A glorious abyss.

And then it hit me. Why she was dressed that way.

She did it to lure men. It was her job, the way she made a living.

A sinful living.

She was a prostitute.

I looked away, nodding to myself.

This girl was the devil. A dangerous, enticement that I shouldn't allow myself to be affected by.

Despite the angelic face.

I could feel my cheeks burning and willed the strange feelings in my stomach to disappear. This was wrong.

I wanted to move away from this girl. But I also wanted to stay.

The box was getting heavy in my arms, however. I could feel my muscles straining, trying to hold the weight.

It was very tempting to drop it to the ground and stay in place, to spend more time with this girl.

_Why stay, Edward?_ I asked myself. That's what this girl wanted. She wanted to be sinful.

We were opposites. Complete opposites. With no connection.

Why did that make me feel strangely sad? Why was there a part of me that wanted to know this girl?

It made no sense and I had never felt more confused.

I flashed her one more smile, a reflection of the sudden despair I felt for her. What would happen to her tonight? What would she face? Would the men who'd take up her invitation be gentle with her?

Would they show kindness? Was she aware of the cruelties that she would face on the street?

_Obviously, Edward. She is doing this on purpose._

I felt naive and suddenly I needed to get out of there. This wasn't my life. And the answers shouldn't mean anything to me. I was only here to drop off some boxes.

The girl must have picked up on the fact I was about to walk inside because she reached out to the door handle, obviously with the intention to open it for me.

"Let me get that for you," she spoke. Her voice was surprisingly soft. It matched her face, yet not her body.

"Thank you," I whispered, as I walked in.

Once inside I turned on a whim, facing the girl one more time.

"Be careful, please," I pleaded, not knowing if she would take my warning to heart but hoping she would. Then I walked away, certain I would never see this broken girl again.

I didn't even know her name.

**END FLASHBACK**

I knew her name now. It was etched into my heart. My soul.

Bella.

"Edward?"

I felt someone nudge me.

I shook my head and found myself looking at the love of my life.

Bella.

I smiled.

"You were miles away, where did you go?" she asked curiously.

"It's... I was just thinking. Remembering some things."

"Well, tell me later." She smiled. And then she pointed to something behind me.

"Looks like you are up next."

* * *

"Hello?"

I tapped on the windscreen of the microphone to make sure it was on.

My finger tapping echoed with a crackling sound, as did my voice, so obviously it worked.

I took a deep breath and looked up, straight into the hundreds of eyes that were on me.

I was being watched, scrutinized as the audience waited for me to speak.

So I did. Speak.

"I'm Edward Cullen," I introduced myself.

Another deep breath.

"I know the program says that Father Liam McLaren is scheduled to tell you about Divinity but a few nights ago he and his wife were blessed with the birth of a beautiful daughter. So I am here as his replacement."

I waited for a moment to let the announcement sink in with the audience. It also allowed me another moment to breathe.

When Liam had asked me to replace him as a speaker at the annual Catholic Youth Convention in Seattle, I had hesitated. I obviously wanted to help him out and fully understood that he wanted to spend time with Siobhan and their new daughter, Erin, but a few days was such short notice for someone who came so incredibly unprepared and had never faced a crowd like this before.

I felt kind of nauseous, and I didn't know if it was the good kind; the kind that was based on nerves and felt sort of accelerating, or the bad kind that you felt all the way down in the pit of your stomach; the kind that might force you to spill your guts... in a very visual, unpleasant and above all literal way.

If this was stage fright, I might choke up at any moment. Hopefully, though, it were simple nerves that would disappear slowly as I got more comfortable talking to the audience.

It wasn't the easiest crowd though. I spotted teens and preteens, most were with their parents.

Kids at an impressionable age.

Kids that were easily bored or distracted. I noticed a few had their phones out, toying with the buttons, glued to the small screens.

If I was going to "reach" them, the way I had seen Liam reach the people he preached to, then I had to make an effort.

And although I wasn't quite certain on what impression I was hoping to make, I did want to leave them with something profound. A new perspective perhaps or so called food for thought.

So I couldn't let my nerves get the best of me. I would have to "suck it up" as Emmett would say.

One thing I most certainly wasn't going to try to make myself feel more at ease was picturing the crowd with little to no clothes on. Another one of my brother's suggestions.

"Everybody does it, Eddie," he had said.

Everybody most certainly did not.

"So... let's talk about Divinity," I started. "When we think of the word Divine, or Divinity, of what it means, we think of something otherworldly, something unchanging. Superior and transcendental. The word is heavily intertwined with our faith, our beliefs...

"...but it also means something more ordinary. We use it to describe something as 'supremely good or beautiful'," I said. "Now, I am not here to give you a list of dictionary-definitions." I chuckled, which earned me a few smiles... but really only a few.

"I just want to keep it simple."

Keep it simple. Easier said than done.

The stares were starting to unnerve me, which didn't help with my nausea. The lack of attention from some didn't do me much good either.

I decided to pause again and take a sip of water to calm myself. And buy myself some time to think.

So far, this wasn't going the way I wanted.

My eyes roamed the crowd. They didn't seem very impressed with me. I could tell from the looks of some of the people up front. Unimpressed. Bored.

They went back to their phones or talking to the person next to them. The whispers were surprisingly deafening, even if I couldn't make out their conversations.

I sighed, exhaling deeply. A wave of disappointment washed over me. I had always believed I'd be able to do this. That speaking in front of a crowd, something a priest had to do all the time, would come naturally to me once I'd been ordained.

But now that I was standing here as myself, not as Father Cullen, I realized I wasn't very good at it. And that it didn't come naturally to me at all.

That was a letdown because I wanted to be inspiring. Not because that would feed my ego. I simply wanted to offer people something, be it advice or comfort. If I was going to be a spiritual counselor that was a crucial element after all.

But I wasn't standing up here with confidence and an engaging story.

I struggled.

I failed.

In that moment, I felt like I had transformed back into that insecure, inexperienced guy who had never bared his soul to anyone. The guy who knew his Bible from front to back because he read it every night and could quote every passage.

The guy who had never looked at a girl, let alone a girl clad in leather, with legs that went on for miles and miles.

I'd been thinking about our first meeting a lot lately, especially with our wedding day inching closer. Back then, I couldn't have dreamt of marrying that girl. The angelic-demon girl who was willingly selling her body.

Of course, she probably wouldn't have married me - the otherworldly Golden Boy - either.

But we weren't the same people now.

And it made all the sense in the world to marry Bella.

She was my best friend, my lover. My partner and my greatest supporter.

She had incredible faith in me.

"I know you can do this, Edward, and let me tell you why," she had said when I had told her about Liam's request to speak at the convention. "You are a loving, compassionate man. All you have to do up there on that stage is be yourself. It may seem scary but I have no doubt you can win them over."

I searched the crowd until my eyes founds hers. Hers were the only pair that looked at me softly, perhaps even proudly. Undoubtedly lovingly.

I smiled as our eyes locked.

It was a big deal for Bella to be here. This wasn't a church, so the chances of triggering bad memories were quite small. But in general, her opinion on religion hadn't changed much.

The fact she was here to support me, meant the world because of that.

_All you have to do up there on that stage is be yourself._

And suddenly it fully hit me. Her words, her faith in me.

I knew what I wanted these people, these kids to know.

I scraped my throat and focused on Bella, and slowly the hundreds of eyes staring back at me fell away from my vision. They no longer mattered; all I could see was her.

My love. My fiancée.

"For the longest time, I wanted to be a priest. It was something I believed I was born to do. My vocation. A calling from God, because he had spared me during an accident in which my childhood friend died.

"I devoted my teen years to this future; the years in which most of you find yourself now. I never went out; I didn't have any real friends. I didn't have much fun. I stopped playing sports actively and read the Bible from front to back instead.

"And I was alright with that. I didn't mind investing in my future that way...

"I grew a little older and headed to college where I picked an education that would support my future ordination and put all my focus on becoming a priest.

"But then, one day, as I was standing in front of a community center here in town, I met this girl...

"Now, she was a brave girl, even then. Brave to face the coolest of weather, as her chosen attire had not been appropriate to protect herself from the cold."

_Or the wandering eye of lingering men_, I thought.

"She was also brave enough to face the chaos and evil of the streets. She held her head up high and tried to survive in bad circumstances."

I looked at Bella, who sat there, her eyes never leaving mine. She listened to my words but didn't appear to be bothered that I was telling the story of our first meeting.

"So, this girl, on the outside she pretended to be tough, but inside, she was broken. Shattered. Robbed of her spirit and robbed of the free will to own her body. She masked her pain by selling her body. Night after night. In some ways she was a modern day Jezebel."

There were a few gasps but I ignored them. I kept watching Bella, who looked neutral and continued to pay attention. I was waiting for a signal, a gesture for her to stop me, but she nodded instead, urging me to go on.

So I did. I told the audience our story.

"I allowed myself to get to know this girl. To learn that her spirit wasn't completely broken. I realized that her body had its marks and scars but that they could heal. That she could heal both inside and out...

"And I can tell you, she is no Jezebel. To me, she is a fallen angel and the strongest person I know."

There were some murmurs, some hubbub. I didn't care though, as my attention was captured by Bella, who was looking at me curiously. A small smile played on her lips.

"This beautiful woman is Bella," I continued. "She is my fiancée. My love. My life. I met her when she was in her darkest hour and while I do believe that I helped her to find her spirit again, I am also convinced that she helped me find mine. Perhaps it was Divine Intervention.

"So I stand before you today, not as a priest. I am not part of a clergy. I am a mere man of faith. Faith in God. And faith in love.

"One of the most important things Bella has taught me about faith, although she doesn't practice religion herself, is that it's not as rigid as the church teaches us. The long existing rules of the Catholic Church, the words from the Bible can guide us, but we don't have to follow them blindly all the time. You can make your own choices and you are responsible for them. And if they deviate from what Catholicism teaches us, it doesn't make us a bad person or a sinner by default."

The murmurs were louder now and I could see some people - mostly adults - shaking their heads. They didn't agree with me.

"I know I was meant to talk to you about Divinity and that Father McGraw had an entire speech prepared that would have been far more engaging than mine... I am not here to ruffle feathers or insult you.

"I am only offering my perspective. I am not trying to be blasphemous. For me, God is absolute. He is everything. In dire times, we turn to Him. We gather strength from putting our faith in Him. When we are happy, we are thankful to and for Him.

"I don't consider myself a sinner or a selfish worthless person because I chose love over actively serving God. I am still his servant and I don't believe He loves me less because I didn't become a priest. I let myself be guided by Him, by His words.

"But I have also learned the importance of love. And I don't believe one excludes the other. For me, it's equal. Love and religion complement each other and help me be the best I can be.

"I am not here to tell you that you should do the same. But if I have to leave you with any kind of message, it's that; be the best you can be. For yourself, for others.

"For God. Thank you."

I walked off the stage, accompanied by the faint echo of applause. Behind the podium, I was complemented by Father McGraw who said I had a "way with words" before he excused himself to go up on the stage to lead in the joint prayer that was scheduled next.

As I stood silently behind the podium, eyes closed and hands folded into prayer as I listened to his words, I felt clarity. I knew that my words wouldn't go over well with everyone, but I'd never been surer of anything.

Things happened for a reason. Bella was my reason. She was my Love. And that love could coexist with my love for Him, because they weren't at odds, or mutually exclusive.

"Those were some words, Mr. Cullen," I suddenly heard behind me.

* * *

**BPOV**

I watched him as he stood there, hands folded and in complete silence. It always bemused me when I watched Edward pray. He was often discreet about it because he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, but that didn't mean I wasn't aware of it when he did.

And it didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. In fact, when Edward prayed it was kind of beautiful. His eyes closed, face scrunched up in concentration. His lips murmuring words no one but God could hear.

It was sort of mesmerizing.

Observing him, made me think of his words just now. For Edward, love and faith coexisted.

He had found a way to have both in his life.

Could I do the same?

I mean, I hadn't always hated church.

**FLASHBACK**

I hummed softly as the choir sung, the hymn echoing off the stone walls. The acoustics were different here, in this small chapel.

I was used to going to grand cathedrals, so this was a welcome change. It reminded me of the small church in Forks that Charlie had taken me to once or twice when I'd been a small child. That must have been around Christmas time because I vaguely recalled a wreath on the church door that'd had small jingle bells attached to it.

That must have been about ten years ago.

I wondered if Charlie remembered that moment. If he... well he probably never thought of me, because he was dead.

I closed my eyes and tried to hum in my head, instead of aloud, because Aro didn't allow any noise during mass.

Of course, Aro wasn't here today. And this was a different church.

So, today was a good day, much like yesterday because Aro was out of town for a week. It seemed to relax everyone, including Demetri, who had taken me out into the yard yesterday to throw snow balls with me.

And today, Sunday, he took me to church. His church. The one he went to when he wasn't at work.

"Pretty music, huh, Little One?" he whispered.

I opened my eyes and nodded.

"You're not supposed to talk during mass," I pointed out in a quiet voice. He chuckled and shrugged.

"Relax, Aro is not here to enforce the rules."

I smiled and nodded, glad for the reprieve, even if it wouldn't last.

I closed my eyes again as I played with the red velvet bows of my dress. I hummed gently, almost without a sound, and while I couldn't be sure, I could have sworn Demetri was doing the same.

**END FLASHBACK**

Demetri. My loyal protector in the end. He'd given his life for me. For us. I sighed, feeling a moment of sadness for his mother. He had tried to protect her from Aro's reign of power for years and now her son was dead. I wondered if she even knew.

Demetri had told me about her that day, how she always made his favorite stew on his birthday. How she had always tucked in his scarf when he went to play outside during the freezing Siberian winters.

It had been a unique moment, since Demetri never engaged in long conversations.

He'd never shared what Aro held over his head, but I knew it was about his mother. That's why he had never stopped Aro from what he did to me.

If he had, his mother would have paid the price. All of us would have probably paid the price.

Besides, in the end, Demetri had paid the price.

His life for mine.

Mine and Edward's.

Edward.

He was still standing there, praying silently, listening to the timbre of Father McGraw's words, who was praying with the masses.

I wondered if I could ever sit in a church pew and not be afraid of past memories or annoyed by present day hypocrisy.

That would be difficult, but I could try. For Edward. For myself. Heck, maybe even a little for Demetri.

And also because people like Aro, and to a lesser extent Laurent, had ruined enough. They could no longer control or ruin me. Aro is dead and Laurent was facing criminal charges in New Orleans for raping two girls there. He hadn't been excommunicated yet, but according to Edward, who had heard from Doctor Deacon, that was bound to happen.

I could have pressed criminal charges against Laurent too but I refused. For starters, I never wanted to find myself in court again, not after the debacle with Jessica - who had been paid off by Demetri, another heroic gesture on his part - and because I wasn't going to relive my past again to get some sort of justice.

Justice was to never let these monsters control me again.

Of course, there were lingering questions. On where to Charlie had disappeared. Or how that girl Bree was doing.

But I didn't need to know the answers to live life. It wasn't something that kept me up at night. Very little did nowadays, aside from the occasional nightmare or Edward's snoring.

I kid. Edward didn't really snore.

I sighed and watched him. The man I was going to marry in two months. He was lost in his prayer until he lifted his head, signaling he was done.

When I was certain I wasn't interrupting anything, I spoke, using his last name to tease him a little. That got him to turn around.

"Thank you, Almost Mrs. Cullen," he beamed.

Two more months. Then I would be Mrs. Cullen. Isabella Marie Swan no more. But simply Bella Cullen.

I loved that name.

And I really couldn't wait.

In the past few months, I had twice gotten a glimpse of what it would be like to be married. Once during Jasper and Alice's wedding and just last week I had walked down the aisle myself as a maid of honor when Angela had gotten married.

Wearing soft yellow silk, I had escorted my best friend down to the gazebo where she and Ben had exchanged vows. It was a beautiful ceremony and they had looked so happy.

But nothing would compare to walking down an aisle to Edward.

Like I said… two more months. Two long months.

"You were amazing." I smiled. "Given my bad experiences" – I frowned slightly – "I thought you were powerful and captivating."

"You're biased." He winked.

"I am not. You were convincing. Maybe you should become a motivational speaker."

"Only if you are in the audience every time. That really helped calm my nerves."

I sighed. "You know I was just thinking about that."

"About what?" Edward wondered.

"About supporting you. About faith. Your faith. And what you said up there."

"Wow, you have been thinking a lot," he teased, before growing serious again. He brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face.

"I want to try..."

"Try what?"

"Try to be more involved in your church activities. Starting with..."

"With?"

"A church wedding."

Edward's eyes went wide and a smile slowly formed on his lips.

"Really?" He beamed.

I nodded. "I know we haven't really talked about it, or maybe we have avoided talking about it, but I know how much it would mean to you. So I want that too."

Edward touched my cheek, his smile a full grin now. "You never cease to amaze me, you know that."

I blushed. Only his words could do that to me.

"But this is _our_ day and I want us _both _to feel comfortable. I don't need a church wedding. Not a traditional one anyway. Did I not just speak of love and God and nontraditional things?" He chuckled. "I am sure we can find a way for it to work for both of us."

"A compromise," I said.

He nodded. "Exactly."

I smiled and leaned into his touch.

"Do you really consider me your fallen angel?" I asked suddenly.

Edward smiled before capturing my lips with his in a brief kiss.

"Yes," he said as he pulled away.

"You know I am hardly an angel, right?"

"You are more. You are... the face of love."

He had such a way with words. Made me blush, made me cry.

"Edward..." I whispered.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" he whispered back, before pressing his lips against the crease above my nose.

I smiled and pulled back, holding my arms wide. "This much?" I teased.

He chuckled and took my widened arms to wrap them around me.

"More..."

"How much more?" I asked, enjoying the feeling of his embrace.

"More than anything," he told me and I knew he was completely sincere.

"More than God?"

The worlds had tumbled out and now I couldn't take them back.

Fucking foot in the mouth, Bella.

"Don't answer that," I hastened to say. "I didn't mean to ask. I would never make you choose."

He pulled back a little and smiled reassuringly.

"It's alright. I could live without the church. But not my faith. Because my faith brought me you," he answered. "I love you more than anything. But I am thankful to Him for sending you my way."

That made sense.

"I feel the same, you know. I may not be thanking God, but I know it took more than mere coincidence to bring us together. And there is no measure of time, nothing that appropriately defines how much I love you. It's... immeasurable."

"Immeasurable," Edward agreed with a smile.

"For as long as we both shall live. And uh... hopefully beyond," I spoke fiercely.

"Beyond? So does that mean you believe a little?" he teased. "I mean, if you believe in an afterlife, surely you believe in some sort of heaven as well?"

The only heaven I could think of was being with Edward.

For the longest time I had believed we were opposites. From different spheres of a very fucked up spectrum.

Heaven and hell. Angel and demon. Saint versus sinner.

But I wasn't a prostitute anymore and he hadn't become a priest.

And we really hadn't been that different to begin with. Both of us had been lost when we had found each other.

"I believe in you," I said.

Edward smiled.

"I believe in you too. Always."

I agreed.

"Forever."

**THE END**

* * *

**Where to begin...**

**First off, I want to thank Parama, my brilliant friend and BETA who has 'stood by me' for two years, checking every chapter, always up for a good brainstorm. **

**Without her, this story wouldn't be the same.**

**Then, there is you; you who read, reviewed, reccomended, commented, sometimes criticised and gave me food for thought. I know I never responded to many of you individually, but please know I have always appreciated the effort you made to take the time to write down your thoughts.**

**What happens next?**

**I will write outtakes. One of them will probably be Bella and Edward's wedding. I chose not to go the cliche route and spend a chapter on it, but heck...I kinda want to be invited to their nuptials and I am sure most of you do too ;)**

**The outtakes will be posted on Bring On The Outtakes, so you won't find them here :)**

**Now that BoTW is done, I am going to continue Eternally Intertwined 2. And, while I haven't decided on which one, I am also thinking of contuining either "Between Peace & Purgatory" or "Shadowchild" (they are currently one shots)**

**Finally, I'd like to say a little something about religion. I always tried to make EPOV as authentic as possible and throughout the years, many of you have shared your own stories and experiences with faith and religion. I am really thankful for that.**

**Many chapters ago someone asked me what my own religion is. My father is Catholic and my mother Protestant (both don't practice) so that makes me... Cathostant? Protestic? Nah. I simply believe. I am not in church every week and I don't pray every night. But I know He is there. And I respect that many people find solace in their faith. Like Edward, I also believe in love. **

**As long as there is love and respect in the world, it's a good place!**

**I wish you all a wonderful 2013 and hope to see you on some other stories! :)**


	61. Message From Bronze

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own PriestwardNoMore and Jezebella.**

**All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The (Wonder) Outtakes belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.**

**©2011-2013 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide**

**This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.**

* * *

Just to let people know, I posted a Bring On The Wonder Future-take on the Bring On The Outtakes page.

~ Bronze


	62. Very Important Message

I am donating an outtake - well future take - from Bring On The Wonder to a very good cause. The Fandom4LLS was formed to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!

If you want to know what happens next with Edward and Bella, but more importantly, want to support a great cause: PLEASE DONATE!

**You can find links with more info and the teaser I wrote in my profile.**

Thank you.

~ Marleen (Bronze)


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